And the rough lockout offseason continues.

Ben Wallace has been arrested and faces felony charges. He was pulled over at 3am (because, like momma always said, nothing good ever happens after midnight) for erratic driving. He failed a field sobriety test and later a breathalyzer test... and police also discovered an unloaded pistol in his Escalade. Oops! For those scoring at home, that's a misdemeanor drunken driving charge, and a five year felony charge for carrying a concealed weapon.

This is terrible news, but I'm left with just one thought: Will he be using Inflatable Defender Ben Wallace as his representation in court? I can't wait for him to pop open the valve to deflate it, then say "the defense rests, Your Honor."

Labels: Ben Wallace, drunken driving, gun charges

As the poet / philosopher duo Matt Stone and Trey Parker once wrote: Freedom isn't free. No, there's a hefty fucking fee. And if you don't throw in your buck oh five, who will?

The NBA equivalent to the $1.05 they were talking about is practicing free throws. Some guys like Ray Allen do it. Others...don't. Here are my personal picks for the worst of the "don'ts."

The Winner: Chris Dudley

Christen Guilford Dudley once said: "So I wasn't good at free throws. Neither is Shaq. So really, you could describe my game as Shaq-esque." Based on how Shaq treated Dudley when they played against each other, it's probably a good thing Chris uttered this quote after retirement.

Dudley's career free throw percentage of 45.8 isn't the lowest among the players in this list. So why does Dudders rank first among my worsts? It's not simply because he 817 of 1,508 freebies over his (gulp!) 15-year career. What sets Dudley apart are some of his dubious fouls shooting accomplishments.

For instance, according to his NBA.com bio: "On April 14, 1990, he missed 17 of 18 free throws in a 124-113 loss to the Indiana Pacers. In that game he broke Wilt Chamberlain s NBA record by missing 13 straight free throws, one of them an airball. Dudley wound up with a league-worst .319 free-throw percentage."

Yep: 1-for-18 with 13 consecutive misses. Here's the box score.

But you know what? When that most bawful of charity stripe performances happened, it was only the second-worst free throw shooting moment of Dudley's career. From SportCenter's This Day In Sports:

January 29, 1989 — Cavs center Chris Dudley stepped to the free throw line and did something no one in the NBA had ever done. And that wasn't a good thing. Dudley, a celebrated defender, rebounder and shot-blocker, was a somewhat below-average free throw shooter. OK, he was a somewhat awful free throw shooter, with a career average of 45.8 percent, which is better than Ben Wallace but worse than Shaq. But in a January game against the Washington Bullets, he took poor free throw shooting to a new level.

Dudley got fouled, stepped to the line and missed both shots. NBD. But the ref called a lane violation on a Bullets guard, so Dudley shot a third. Which he missed. Another lane violation (this one by Bullets center Dave Feitl) brought another attempt and another miss (that's four for those counting at home). Amazingly, Feitl was called for another lane violation. And amazingly, Dudley missed his fifth and final (of the series) free throw attempt, becoming the first player to miss five free throws in one trip.

The bottom line is that when Dudley went to the line, the results were like jamming your hand into a running blender. You knew something bad was going to happen, but the variations of horror were nearly limitless.

The Runners Up: Ben Wallace, Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain

How did Big Ben miss out on the top spot? Well, for starters, he actually made significant non-foul shooting contributions to a Pistons team that made two NBA Finals and won a title. He also doesn't hold the two amazing records Dudley has.

Still, Ben earning top Worst Evers honors wouldn't have been a traveshamockery. After all, his lifetime FT% of 41.7 was accomplished by missing 1,501 of his 2,575 career FT attempts. It got to the point where NBA arenas started seriously considering handing out crash helmets and safety goggles to every fan sitting in the 100 level seats when Wallace came to town just to reduce their liability.

To top things off, here's a snippet from a Worst of the Night post I published in March:

When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.

With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)

Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.

Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."

I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.

Okay, I lied about topping things off. Here's Big Ben airballing consecutive freebies...with the game on the line:


Click here for a funnier fan-made video of those misses.

Then there's Shaq. His career FT% of 52.7 seems almost ridiculously high compared to Dudley and Wallace. But he's sure got them in sheer volume. The Big Clanky has missed an astounding 5,259 foul shots (out of 11,121 attempts) in his 18 NBA seasons. That's more than most players ever get to take. For example, Shaq's former teammate Derek Fisher has only 2,200 career FTAs despite playing 1,028 games over 15 seasons. At this rate, Fish will retire having attempted fewer than half of the foul shots Shaq missed.

Shaq's inability to convert freebies have us one of the great quotes -- not to mention one of the greatest fallacies -- in NBA history:

"I don't care about my [free throw shooting] percentages. I keep telling everyone that I make them when they count." - Shaquille O'Neal, in post-game interviews recorded by WOAI-TV on November 7, 2003

Yeah, right. Try to ask the 2007-08 Phoenix Suns whether Shaq hits them when they count without getting punched in the groin.

In a larger sense, The Big Misfire's inaccuracy at the line gave us the immortal Hack-a-Shaq strategy. Not only is it memorable, it can (and has been) transferred to other lousy foul shooters: Hack-a-Bowen, Hack-a-Dwight, Hack-a-Ben, etc.

Last but never, ever least, we have Wilt Chamberlain. Everything about this man was larger-than-life. Everybody knows about the 100-point and how he averaged 50 PPG during the 1961-62 season. And then there's the claim that he shagged 20,000 women. What people don't know is that, while he was still in the NBA, Wilt tried to miss one free throw for every woman he violated with what we have to assume was an enormous and terrifying penis.

The Big Dipper ranks second all-time in free throws attempted with 11,862. (Karl Malone is the all-time leader with 13,188, but he played four more seasons than The Stilt.) Unfortunately, Chamberlain ranks only 14th in free throws made with 6,057.

For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Wilt had 5,805 clanks in 14 seasons. This means that even though he's played four more seasons than Wilt did, Shaq is still almost 600 missed FTs behind Chamberlain. Ouch.

Speaking of ouch, Wilt was such a turrible foul shooter that Chamberlain -- a true giant of a man -- was often forced to run away from players who were trying to intentionally foul him. And the NBA had to institute rules changes because of it:

Chamberlain was such a great player and dominant force that he would be certain to be on the floor in late-game situations if the score was close. However, he was such a poor free throw shooter (51% over his career) that if the opposition needed to employ intentional fouling late in the game, Chamberlain would always be that team's target. Just as the opposition was eager to send Chamberlain to the free throw line because of his ineptitude there, Chamberlain himself was reluctant to go for that same reason. This led to the spectacle of virtually an entire other contest being held away from the ball and almost completely outside of the basketball game being played, as Chamberlain essentially played a de facto game of tag with defenders, attempting to run from and dodge them as they chased him trying to foul him.

The NBA decided to address this undesirable situation by instituting a new rule regarding off-the-ball fouls—that is, committing a personal foul against an offensive player who neither has the ball nor is making an effort to obtain it. The new rule stated that if the defensive team commits an off-the-ball foul within the last two minutes of the game, the offensive team would be allowed to keep possession of the ball after the awarding of either one or two free throws. Since the entire reason for employing intentional fouling as a strategy was to quickly terminate the offensive team's possession, this new rule, when in effect, forced the team using intentional fouling to foul only the offensive player who had the ball. This brought an end to the need for Chamberlain, or any other poor free throw shooter, to play "hide and seek" with opposing defenders in intentional fouling situations.

"The reason they have that rule is that fouling someone off-the-ball looks foolish...Some of the funniest things I ever saw were players that used to chase [Wilt Chamberlain] like it was hide-and-seek. Wilt would run away from people, and the league changed the rule based on how silly that looked." - Pat Riley

So Wilt couldn't hit his freebies...so what? Chicks dug him.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chris Dudley, Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain, Worst Evers

"Huelo bolas sudorosas!"
The Boston Celtics: When last we saw the Celtics, they got owned by the New Jersey Nyets in Boston. As bad signs go, that's right up there with the Titanic sticking straight up out of the water or the nasty, pimply rash in your nether regions that just won't go away. (Seriously, get that checked out. Immediately.) So what better way to restablish their presumed championship dominance than by dropping the shillelagh on a Pistons team headed for their first 50-loss season in a decade?

Only Detroit (21-39) was up 77-73 early in the fourth quarter.

The Luckless Leprechauns were saved by a trio of treys by Nate Robinson -- who scored 14 points (5-for-7) in 15 minutes -- but the end result still smells pretty fishy. After all, Boston allowed 100+ points for the fifth straight game...which is their longest streak in the Kevin Garnett era. Meanwhile, the Celtics were 9-for-18 from downtown while the Pistons shot 15 percent (3-for-20) from long distance, which was their worst three-point percentage of athe season (with a minimum of 20 attempts).

I'm just sayin'...the C's were a few missed or made shots from losing this one, so Boston fans shouldn't get too excited over this one.

Ben Wallace: When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.

With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)

Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.

Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."

I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.

Kendrick Perkins: Perk missed the game with flu-like symptoms!

The Miami Heat: The Human Torches snapped their four-game losing streak behind 56 points in the paint, a 50-35 rebounding advantage, and a huge game from Dwyane Wade (35 points, 12 assists, 5 boards, 4 steals). But they also missed 10 free throws and barely pulled out a four-point home victory over a crappy Golden State Warriors team that was without Monta Ellis (strained lower back), Andris Biedrins (athletic pubalgia...heh) and Corey Maggette (ham sandwich).

Said Pookie: "There's no easy wins in the NBA."

Yeah, but there should be, Dwyane. There really should be. I mean, the Warriors had only eight players in costume -- which barely met the league minimum, and they had to call up a D-Leaguer to even do that -- and six of them scored in double figures. Plus, Golden State hit better than 51 percent of their field goal attempts.

Said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra: "Where we are, any win is a good win for us. It wasn't a great game for us, but we got the win, so we'll take it. The only thing that matters right now is that we stay in this fight. However. By whatever means to get it done, we just need to stay in the fight and keep on swinging."

As always, good luck with that, Erik.

The Golden State Warriors: After the loss -- the Warriors' 14th in their last 18 games -- Nellie said: "We made them play, didn't we? We've got no complaints. We played our behinds off. We were able to stay in the game and have a chance to win. We'll take it."

When you're 25 games under .500, you've got to enjoy the little things.

The Sacramento Kings: Good news: The Purple Paupers shot 53+ percent for just the fifth time this season! What's more, Sacto became only the seventh team this season to make more than half of its shots against the Oklahoma City D. In fact, their FGP of 53.9 was the second highest shooting percentage this season against the Thunder, who entered the game with a league-best Opponents FGP of 43.7.

Bad news: They lost anyway, falling to 5-26 on the road and 20-40 overall.

The Thunder's 17 offensive rebounds might have had something to do with the outcome. Sacramento coach Paul Westphal sure thinks so: "To me, we came in against a top level, playoff team in their gym in a game that they really wanted and we played a great game. We played good enough to win, except we couldn't keep them off the glass, so we lost."

Thanks for the stirring analysis, coach. Speaking of Westphal...

Paul Westphal: The Paupers pulled to within 111-107 on a Carl Landry dunk with 34 seconds left, but Westphal instructed his team not to foul. The Thunder then used the entire 24-second shot clock before Kevin Durant missed a baseline jumper. The Best Sacto could manage was an ugly, forced and contested trey by Francisco Garcia in the final five seconds. And, uh, yeah...it didn't go in.

The Indiana Pacers: Kobe Bryant continues to struggle with his shooting -- last night Mamba went 5-for-14 from the field and 0-for-4 from downtown -- but the Pacers are so bad that Bryant could have gone 0-for-40 and the Lakers probably still would have won by double-digits. As it was, L.A. outscored Indy 38-17 in the third quarter to transform a mildly competitive game into the kind of ridiculous joke you'd expect from a ridiculous joke team like the Pacers.

During that third quarter, Indy shot 7-for-20 and committed 7 turnovers for 10 points going the other way. In related news, the Pacers haven't beaten the Lakers in Los Angeles since February 14, 1999. Reggie Miller led the Pacers with 26 points in the win, while Shaq lit up poor Rik Smits for 36 points and 17 rebounds (including 8 offensive).

Bruce Bowen, fashionista: From Basketbawful reader Emmett S.: "Tucker Carlson and Bruce Bowen: Almost universally disliked, renowned for their ackery...and now they have bowties in common, too. Wow."

Bruce Bowen: Too sexy for his pants.And he isn't wearing any.
Questionable Promotions Part 1: Go to a Nyets game! Please! We're begging you! We'll even have your taxes done for free if you do!

No, I'm not kidding.

The best part of this promotion? Roni Deutch -- the tax attorney who's willing to crunch numbers for anybody brave enough to sit through two-plus hours of horrifying basketball -- said: "The hallmark of a strong company is one that aligns with young companies. I'm a betting woman, and I think the Nets are going to win a championship this decade."

I wonder if Roni knows what a "decade" is? Mental note: Do not let Roni Deutch do my taxes. Or balance my checkbook. Or count my loose change.

Questionable Promotions Part 2: I'm guessing the Memphis Grizzlies are going to remove "Fan Trampoline Dunk" from their in-game promotional series. Of course, they're doing it about one near-decapitation too late. [Thanks to chris for the link.]

Michael Jordan: The Greatest Player of All Time just lost two games of H-O-R-S-E to a rookie who's shooting less than 34 percent from the field. Oh yes he did. Maybe MJ should stick to picking on old, sick people. And Bryon Russell.

Clutch the Bear: Belated but worth it: Clutch gets nekkid to disrupt a free throw. This Bear will do anything to win! [Thanks again to chris for the link.]


Laction report: Despite the Paupers' near miss in OKC, chris still found the will to give us our daily lacktion fix:

Celtics-Pistons: Brian Scalabrine was spooked after only 8 seconds in Castlevania, leading to a Super Mario! Meanwhile, DaJuan Summers bounced around a level of Araknoid in 24 seconds for a regular Mario. (In non-lacktion related news, Kevin Garnett was clearly *word that KG mouths on the sidelines*-ing around with 9 boards and 14 points for a Calvin Murphy.)

Kings-Thunder: Ime Udoka rescued Princess Peach and earned a 30-second speed date that counted as a Mario, while Dominic McGuire continues to make his case for the All-Lacktion Team with tonight's cashout of 2.45 trillion (2:27), his first non-productive moment for the Paupers!!!

Labels: Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Lakers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

"Yeeeeaaaaaargh!!"
The New Jersey Nyets: Despite giving up almost 58+ percent shooting -- Cleveland's best shooting performance of the season -- the Nyets played the Crabs pretty close. But David Stern still hasn't put a "Moral Victory" column in the NBA standings, so the end result is still the same: 2-23.


If only Devin Harris had realized the kind of dystopian future he was creating when he said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" last December. The Nyets are now 25-63 since then. Speaking of Harris...

Devin Harris: Harris is frustrated. That's obvious. I mean, players don't start jawing with the team owner during games unless they're frustrated, right? Well, the frustration seemed to get to Harris last night when -- after getting picked clean by a lumbering Shaq -- Devin clubbed Jamario Moon on a layup attempt.


Shaq, quote machine: On his role in getting things calmed down: "I just wanted to make sure nobody got into a squabble. A grab here, grab there, everywhere a grab-grab."

Fun fact: From the AP game notes: "The Cavaliers have reached a deal to sell Tsingtao, a popular Chinese beer, inside Quicken Loans Arena. The team is close to finalizing a sale of 15 percent of the franchise to Chinese investors."


The San Antonio Spurs: For years, it seemed like the Suns were destined to play "bitch" to the Spurs' "pimp hand." Well, the roles finally reversed, for one night at least. Amar''''''e Stoudemire (28 points, 14 rebounds, 3 steals) played Tim Duncan (34 and 14) to a standstill, Steve Nash (25 points, 11-for-20 13 assists) showed up Tony Parker (15 points, 4-for-11, 3 assists) and the Suns hit 61 percent of their treys (11-for-18) in a double-digit win over their former nemesis.

The real problem for the Spurs, though, was that they got Dragic'd! Goran Dragic -- dubbed Goran Tragic by this site last season -- scored a career-high 18 points (7-for-9) and hit a career-best 4-for-5 from beyond the arc. That's right: Goran Dragic shot down the Spurs. Said Timmy D: "Steve and Amare did what they do. They played well. Dragic kind of shocked us."

He shocked us all, Tim. He shocked us all.

Here's some bonus bawful from NarSARSsist:

The Spurs are showing some absolutely embarrassing examples of how not to defend the pick and roll, and it's only 10-5.

1. Nash gets a pick at the top of the arc from Frye, goes right. McDyess comes out and shows, but doesn't really get there in time. Nash ends up going right past him. Parker? He got picked off by McDyess. Fail.

2. Nash gets a pick from STAT, and drives. Duncan shows, but is blown right past. Parker takes waaaay too wide of an angle, and Nash gets a layup with nobody within 5 feet of him.

3. Nash gets a pick again from Amar'''''e from the same position. This time when he drives, Duncan decides to stay back. Parker, though, doesn't seal off the passing lane, and sticks around too close to Nash, who passes it to a freed up Sun Tzu for an open dunk.

Timeout. Clinic is open.

More clinic-ry from the Suns. Nash gets a pick from Frye up high, and Duncan retreats all the way to inside the FT line. Nash drives, Parker follows, and Nash drops it back for Frye, who hits an open 3. Seriously guys, read your scouting reports; only one guy has hit more 3s than Frye.

Gregg Popovich, tough love machine: "I thought Phoenix did a great job coming out aggressively and keeping the aggressiveness for 48 minutes. We had too many pathetic games from too many people. You can't do that against a team like Phoenix."

"Well...fuck.
The Sacramento Kings: The Sactowners were apparently so juiced about their performance through three quarters that they forgot one important little thing: basketball games are still four quarters long. By the time the Kings realized this, it was too late. The Portland M.A.S.H. unit outscored their Queenly counterparts 29-15 in the final 12 minutes to eke out a 95-88 win. Afterward, LaMarcus Aldridge accused the Kings of forgetting about him too, which might explain why he had 19 points and 8 boards in the Ail Blazers' second-half comeback.

Said Sactown coach Paul Westphal: "I'm just extremely disappointed. We did not play smart basketball in the fourth quarter. We didn't do anything we had been doing the first three quarters to get that lead." Hey Paul, remind me again, who's responsible for making sure the team plays smart basketball...?

The New York Knicks: Charlotte coach Larry Brown described his team thusly after their first three quarters against the Bricks: "acting like spoiled children trying to wish and hope our way back in the game."

Don't hold back, Larry. Tell us how you really feel?

Well, the Bobcats outscored New York 28-13 in the fourth quarter -- and 15-2 in the last 2:32 -- to win 94-87. So much for the Bricks' four-game win streak. And now it was Mike D'Antoni's chance to rip his team: "We win four in a row and we had a chance to win five. I think that's probably the most important thing in the world at that point. We didn't play like it was."

I'm won't go so far as to say "they are who we thought they were," but, you know?

Seriously, though, it was a sloppy game that neither team deserved to win. Somebody must have coated the basketball with baby oil, because the Bricks and 'Cats combined to give up 53 points off 43 turnovers. Maybe going shirts and skins would have helped keep these guys from passing to the wrong team.

Eddy Curry sighting: Fat Shaq showed up for a game, finishing with 2 points and a rebound in a six-minute stint. I now expect him to miss another 10 games or so with a sore [insert body part here].

Nate Robinson: Remember all the drama the Bricks went through about re-signing this guy? And now he can't get out of D'Antoni's doghouse. Last night was another DNP-CD for Krypto-Nate.

The Chicago Bulls: It's hard to fault the Bulls -- who really aren't any good this season -- for coming up short in a game against the defending champs. I mean, they gave one hell of an effort last night, especially Joakim Noah, who got his hands on a mind-boggling 14 offensive boards. The Lakers still have Andy Bynum and Pau Gasol, right? Those guys played, didn't they? That said, a team that shoots as badly as the Bulls do from outside -- they went 2-for-11 from downtown -- absolutely has to hit their in-close shots. Too bad Chicago went 11-for-29 on layups/tip-ins. Think about that: 18 misses right at the bucket.

The Toronto Raptors: I was asked to pass this message along:

Dear Craptors,

Thanks for giving me the fourth quarter off. It'll really help me prepare for Thursday's game against the Magic. You guys rock!

Sincerely,

Dwyane Wade

Toronto's fast-paced offense managed only 95 points on 45 percent shooting. That's not terrible, but it was the first time in seven games that the Heat managed to hold an opponent under 100 points. Past that, the Craptors' defense did their usual Dance of Fail, allowing Miami to hit 52 percent of their field goals and drop 115 points on the night. Said Jarret Jack: "When a team gets 60 in the first half, they are in a pretty good offensive rhythm. And it's tough to knock guys out of that rhythm." Oh, I dunno, Jarret. I hear "hand in the face" can help with that.

Update! AnacondaHL with some rather ugly (for the Craptors) perspective: "Raptors still holding a scintillating 115.8 DRtg. Historic Fail."

Wait, wait, wait. The Craptors have a worse defensive rating than the legendary 1990-91 Denver Nuggets?! Remember, that Nuggets squad they never -- not once in 82 games -- held an opponent under 100 points. In fact, they held an opponent under 110 points only four times. And these Craptors might be even worse defensively? I...I don't know what to say.

Note also that the Craptors were outscored 52-30 in the paint. Said Chris Bosh: "It was a key part of the game, but everybody outscores us in the paint. What makes it disappointing is we have been talking about it for so long. ... We have to take the attitude that it's not going to happen anymore. Until that happens, we are going to be a so-so team." Speaking of Bosh...

Chris Bosh: On the one hand, the RuPaul of Big Men scored a team-high 28 points (9-for-13 from the field, 10-for-11 from the line). On the other, the man he was ostensibly guarding (Michael Beasley) matched his career-high with 28 points (11-for-19). And while Beasley was snagging 11 boards, Bosh grabbed a season-low 2 rebounds in 32 minutes. Who does Chris think he is, Amar''''''e Stoudemire?!

The Detroit Pistons: Holy crap! A Knee-Mac sighting! Tracy McGrady showed up to the game last night probably expecting to shoot around, do some stretching, maybe get some treatment from the Rockets' medical staff. But after being exiled for most of the season, McGrady was in for a shock: PT.

Said Knee-Mac: "It surprised me. I went in there and talked to [coach Rick Adelman], he said he was going to play me about seven minutes and just try to work our way through this. Tonight was that night."

Of course, I'm sure it's only a coincidence that McGrady's return coincided with Trevor Ariza's one-game suspension for trying to DeCapitate DeMar DeRozen.

Maybe Knee-Mac's return inspired the Rockets, because they shot a season-high 54.7 percent from the field (including a season-best 60 percent in the first half) and Houston scored 100+ points for the first time in five games. Meanwhile, Detroit had to kind of pour it on in the fourth quarter just to reach 96 points. Of course, the Pistons are still without Ben Gordon and Tayshaun Prince. Man, if this team can ever get healthy, they might actually be dangerous. Too bad it looks like they'll never be healthy.

By the way, it was Brick-a-Palooza from beyond the arc last night, as Detroit and Houston went 6-for-37 from three-point range. You know, if you're not hitting 'em, you guys can stop shooting them. Really.

Ben Wallace: Somewhere Chris Dudley is following Big Ben's final seasons and praying that certain downward trends continue so that Wallace can earn the dubious distinction of being the Wost Free Throw Shooter in NBA History. Wallace -- who's hitting an above-average (for him) 53.7 percent at the line -- went 1-for-4 from the charity stripe last night, including two hella ugly air balls.

Rick Adelman, whining beyotch: From the ESPN NBA Rumors page:

Head coach Rick Adelman is not happy about the Rockets schedule in December and he vented Monday.

"We have a horrendous stretch here," Adelman told the Houston Chronicle. "I don't know if the league really understands that they gave us four back-to-backs. It's awful.

"And it's not just the back-to-backs. We play at home (tonight), then travel to Denver for the next one. Then the next week we play at home, then travel to Orlando for the next one. To me, it's just utterly ridiculous. But that's the schedule we have."

Adelman also is frustrated at the lack of time players and coaches will be at home around Christmas.

"I just think every team should have a chance when they're home a little bit to spend time with their families, and we have no chance," Adelman said. "This is the most ridiculous schedule I've ever seen. I wouldn't even know Christmas was coming unless someone told me, because that's all we're doing is traveling and playing games."

Gee, Rick, I'm sorry David Stern can't schedule all home games for every team in December. I'm also sorry we can't all live in the giant vagina you crawled out of. It must be fearsome to behold.

Kevin McHale, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Lucas drew my attention to McHale's proposed old-school solution to LeBron's dance of joy against the Chicago Bulls:

"If a guy was doing the Riverdance like that, coach would come over and say, 'Who's got the fewest amount of fouls of my big fellas?' " said ex-Celtic and TNT analyst Kevin McHale. "If you raised your hand, he would say, 'We will let him drive and then we will throw him on the ground.'

"When he is laying there we would say, 'Do you feel like dancing now?'

"And that pretty much solved the dancing problem."

My name is Basketbawful, and I approve this message.

Lacktion report: One last lacktion report before Chris drinks the golden nectar that is $1 beer...

Nets-Crabs: Jawad Williams earned a date with Princess Peach in just 26 seconds of courtship, scoring yet another Mario - his third in a week!!!!

Knicks-Bobcats: DJ Augustin took a singular foul for His Airness's pet project, resulting in a +1 suck differential in 10:33.

Spurs-Suns: Earl Clark used solar power to melt 2 trillion (2:02) in gold bars for Alvin Gentry!

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Devin Harris, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot: See that picture? Bango got hurt! During All-Star game festivities. No, really.


It's all fun and games until a man dressed as an animal tears his ACL falling through a basketball hoop. The Bucks, of course, released a statement: "While gazelle-like dunks and agile maneuvers around the court will be impossible for a time, the heart of Bucks game-night entertainment and the emotional leader of Bucks fans of all ages will continue to lead fan enthusiasm at home games."

Take-backs: Just when the people of Oklahoma City had something (other than Kevin Durant's scoring) to get excited about, Tyson Chandler magically became a Hornet again. If you consider "failing a physical because of turf toe" to be magical. Wow. This is the first time -- in any sport -- I've heard about a turf-toe condition killing a trade. And he failed a physical because of it? I guess that physical had a lot of toe-related tests. ("Okay, Tyson, we need to you push this two-ton granite slab across the court and then fight off a pack of wild dogs...using only your toe. Now: GO!") Why do I get the feeling that Thunder GM Sam Presti rather have expiring contracts than Chandler's salary, which will be close to $12 million next season?

And now Chandler is heading back to New Orleans. I'm sure he'll be totally psyched to get healthy and play hard for a team that was willing to give him away for table scraps. Can't you just imagine Byron Scott calling him and saying, "Tyson, we NEED you!" and Chandler responding, "Sorry, coach, my toe...it's still pretty sore." I can then envision him hanging up before erupting into evil laughter as he destroys a marble bust of James Bond using the laser attachment on his new bionic toe implant.

The Indiana Pacers: Honestly, they didn't have much of a chance to beat the Bobcats after Danny Granger left the game with a sprained right foot. Granger scored 12 points in 10 minutes before he went down. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "Not enough weapons. When we lost Danny, obviously that hurts a great deal. We just didn't make enough shots. We had a lot of open shots in the fourth quarter, point-blank shots, and didn’t make them." By the way, Granger is currently sixth in the league in scoring (behind D-Wade, LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Durant and Dirk Nowitzki) at 25.0 PPG. But he plays for the Pacers, so it's like those points don't even exist. I might as well say he's averaging 43 snipe per game and has collected two pieces of the Triforce so far this season.

By the way, Indiana's Troy Murphy is averaging 13.1 PPG, 11.4 RPG and 43 percent three-point shooting. Meanwhile, New York's David Lee is averaging 16.4 PPG, 11.8 RPG and 56 percent shooting (all layups). Only nobody (outside of the beat writers covering the Pacers for the Associated Press) is talking about Murphy while many people are all like, "OH MY GOD, DAVID LEE!" I'm not trying to agree with Bill Simmons or anything, but Mike D'Antoni sure has changed the perception of Lee's career.

Update! I swear I'm not talking out of my you-know-what here. Take a look at Lee's advanced stats. Now look at Murphy's. Lee is a couple points ahead in PER, but he's played almost 200 more minutes and has a higher Usage Rate (19.1 to 16.1). But their Per 36 Minute numbers are pretty much the same, as are their Offensive/Defensive Ratings and True Shooting Percentage. Lee's one big advantage over Murphy, as Wild Yams pointed out, is contract size: Lee's contract is $4.47 million for this year and next year while Murphy's is $33.14m for the next three years. But keep in mind that Lee will be a restricted free agent this summer...and people will be throwing money at him. I guarantee it. So that advantage may not be so advantageous six months from now...

Ben Wallace: AK Dave turned me on to this story: "Wallace explained Wednesday how he cut his right arm crashing through a car window during a street football game in Richmond, Va., over the All-Star break. Wallace needed 14 stitches to close the cut, then had more glass removed from his arm at the Cleveland Clinic the following day. ... Asked who won the collision with the car, Wallace said he did, then paused. 'I guess,' he said. 'The window didn't bleed. I don't think it was made to bleed.' The play didn’t go down as a reception, either. 'That was the biggest disappointment,' Wallace said. 'I dropped the ball. That's good D.'"

As AK Dave put it: "Riiiight...that's the biggest disappointment? How about cutting the shit out of your arm and injuring yourself playing a game that thousands of school children manage to play everyday withOUT ramming into parked cars?" One good thing did come out of the injury, though...

Delonte West, advice machine: Also pointed out by AK Dave. Said Wallace: "Delonte told everybody, 'When you go on this break, don't do anything that's going to stop you from coming back and being with the team. Be careful, get a couple of workouts in and just enjoy the break.' I should have taken his advice." Who would have guessed that listening to Delonte West could help anyone avoid tragedy.

Shawn Marion: Finally! Finally The Matrix is out of the shadows of guys like Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Dwyane Wade. And with Chris Bosh still out with a knee injury, the Craptors became Marions team...if only for a night. Well, I know what you're thinking, Shawn, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since your bitched and moaned your way out of Phoenix: Why, oh why didn't you take the blue pill? Marion scored only 10 points on 4-for-9 shooting to go with 6 rebounds, 6 assists and 2 blocked shots in a game-high 40 minutes. Not exactly the kind of superstar impact you might from a guy who whined and pouted his way into a trade last year when Steve Kerr didn't give him a max contract extension. As an aside, the Craptors shot 36 percent, scored only 76 points and lost by 17 at home to the Craboliers. And Marion didn't have much impact on Toronto's team defense, either, since the Crabs shot almost 60 percent for the game.

Here's some bonus Matrix, regarding his unhappiness in Miami (via dunkside): "The game is supposed to be exciting. I'm tired of playing that boring style in the half court, watching everybody just go up and run plays, call this play. That's boring. The fans don't enjoy it either. People like to see you get up and down, have high-scoring games and dunks and all that stuff. That's what it's about." Reminder: This is the same guy who WANTED OUT OF PHOENIX. Wow. Still, it could have been worse. The Craptors could still have...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Heat are a mere one game into the Jermaine O'Neal Era and Pat Riley is already finding out why I call him "The Drain." O'Neal scored 13 points (6-for-9), but he only grabbed a single, lonely rebound in 27 minutes. One board, Jermaine? Really?! To put that into perspective, Brian Cardinal -- yes, that Brian Cardinal -- grabbed 10 rebounds in 16 minutes as part of 49-24 Minnesota's 49-24 rebounding advantage. And then there was The Drain's in-game injury: "[O'Neal] sustained a right eye injury in the third quarter and missed 13 minutes before returning late." Yeah, it was a freak accident. But for a guy who couldn't say healthy if you locked him in a plastic bubble...not too surprising, either. Said The Drain: "I would not have scripted this for my first game. Absolutely not."

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had his routinely spectacular game -- 37 points, 12 assists, 4 steals, only 1 turnover -- but the Heat lost at home to the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves. The reasons included poor rebounding (as described above), bad defense (Minny shot almost 54 percent) and an inability to stop Sebastian Telfair, who had a career-high 30 points and 8 assists. Said Wade: "It's a terrible loss." And that's a terrible understatement.

Kevin McHale (via Sebastian Telfair), quote machine: After the game, Telfiar described McHale's pregame motivational speech: "He asked us if we were going to be pros or punks. We decided to be pros." Can you imagine McHale, who looks like an elderly Herman Munster, asking a bunch of young ball players if they want to be punks? That's comedy.

The Philadelphia 76ers: What happened to the run? What happened to the fun? The previous night's road loss to the Pacers was followed up by a double-digit home loss to the Nuggets. Philly shot only 32 percent and missed 10 free throws. And you know who hurt the Sixers the most...?

Andre Iguodala: The Sixers were recently "re-Branded" Iggy's team. Last night, fouled out after only 27 minutes during which he scored 10 points (1-for-6), matched Jermaine O'Neals rebounding effort for the Heat and committed 3 turnovers. Way to lead by example, Andre. Assuming you're leading your team to Failsville.

The Orlando Magic: You know what hurts? I'll tell you: 32-point losses in which a team shoots 37 percent while "limiting" their opponent to just under 60 percent accuracy. And the 16 missed free throws? Salt in the gooey wound. Oh, and you can squirt some lemon juice on it too, since Dwight Howard's double-double streak was stuffed and mounted. And yes, I realize I stat cursed him yesterday. My bad. But in all fairness, Stan Van Gundy sat him when the game got out of hand. He would have gotten those extra two rebounds if he'd played more than 29 minutes.

Stan Van Gundy, excuse machine: Chris Paul sliced and diced the Magic for 36 points (14-for-22), 6 rebounds, 10 assists and 3 steals. And apparently, beyond the numbers, he also caused Orlando's entire roster to forget how to play the game of basketball. Said Stan the Man: "It was one of those nights a player just obliterated us. You can complain about your defense all you want, but sometimes great players just make you look worse than you are." Sorry, Stan. Paul didn't make your team look bad. He just held up the mirror.

P.S. The Magic need Jameer Nelson back. Badly.

The Milwaukee Bucks: If you were going to guess that someone on the Bulls beat the Bucks with a season-high 31 points that included an 18-point fourth-quarter explosion, you'd probably assume it was Ben Gordon, Derrick Rose or even Luol Deng. But nope: It was Kirk Hinrich, who shot 8-for-14 from the field, 5-for-6 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. He also had 4 steals, two of which came on back-to-back possessions during a crucial stretch in the final period after Milwaukee had pulled to within three points. Kirk went the other way for a layup after the first steal, hit a triple after the second, and then hit a jumper the next time Chicago had the ball to put the Bulls up by 10. That was the game-breaker. So, to sum up: Milwaukee was owned by Captain Kirk Hinrich. Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles: "Kirk had a great game, obviously shooting the ball and scoring. He just took our guards and made us look pretty silly on several occasions because he was playing so hard." Substitute "silly" for "sad," and you're right on the mark, Scott.

The New Jersey Nets: They were blasted by the Mavericks and Jason Kidd (23 points, 7-for-10, 10 assists) made Mark Cuban look like a genuis...for a night. Kidd also hit five of his six three-pointers, whereas Devin Harris, Kidd's All-Star replacement in New Jersey, missed all six of his triples and shot 5-for-18 overall (and he had a game-high 4 turnovers). When you get beaten, and soundly, because of Jason Kidd's SHOOTING, well, it's time to start putting hands in people's faces. Sidenote: Vince Carter scored 15 points on 21 shots and had a plus-minus score of -19.

The Sacramento Kings: J-Kidd wasn't the only player to have a revenge game last night. Mike Bibby tormented his old team by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting and going number two in the visitors locker room without flushing the toilet. Sacto now has the NBA's worst record at 11-44. But hey, at least they have Andres Nocioni and his giant contract that runs through, what, 2017?

Kevin Martin, "I know who that guys is" machine: Regarding Bibster's performance: "Bibby was Bibby tonight." True. But who knows? Maybe tonight he'll be Juan, the naughty cabana boy...

Portland Trail Blazer fans: Get this: They booed Darius Miles last night, presumably because he cost them all that cap room by, you know, getting healthy and resuming a career that the Blazers tried to prevent him from resuming. What a bastard. Said Miles: "I got booed when I had a Portland jersey on. It's not the first time I’ve heard them."

Greg Oden: Okay. It's official. The Blazers should have taken Durant.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, the Clippers are a joke. We know that. But damn: They gave up 140 points for the second night in a row to the same team, only this time it happened at home. In professional wrestling terms, that makes them a jobber. What, does Mike Dunleavy Sr. have some stake in keeping Amare Stoudemire in Phoenix? Not only did his team make Steve Kerr look like a genius for firing Terry Porter and putting Alvin Gentry in charge, they pretty much killed any possibility that the Suns will deal STAT. Amare scored 41 points on 15-for-20 shooting, and 29 of those came in the first half. The Suns shot almost 60 percent and commmited only 7 turnovers. Oh, and Goran Dragic dunked on them AGAIN (on his way to scoring 12 points on 5-for-7 shooting). Way to be a bunch of shooting props, Clippers.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: Thanks to Clifton for providing this one: "Camby, who had his ear drained Wednesday, is awaiting work on whether he'll get medical clearance to fly to Portland for the Sunday's game. 'We're inventing new ways to get hurt,' Dunleavy said. 'I mean, in the annals of the league, what's the percentages of one of your players flying on an airplane and his ear drum caves in? I mean, it's like, what other kind of injury can happen?'" Wow. I hope he knocked on some wood when he said that. As Clifton put it: "Ohhhhh. Stat curse, Señor Dunleavy. I'm calling it. How wacky can we go? Frostbite from a freak liquid-nitrogen accident? Critically infected papercut on the tongue from licking an envelope longways instead of up-and-down? Or will they just start listing 'apathy' as a documented reason for missing games?"

The Golden State Warriors: They led against the Lakers for most of the game, and could have won with only a few defensive stops in the final minutes. Defensive stops? The Warriors?! Bwahahahahaha! Yeah. L.A. went on a late 17-3 run that began with back-to-back threes by Trevor Ariza, who padded his stats by scoring 17 points on 7-for-12 shooting. Said Ariza: "I just hit open shots, that was it. The ball came to me, and I had nothing but time, so it was like playing in practice." That's the Warriors' D for you: It's like playing in practice.

Lacktion report: Chris came here to report lacktion and chew bubble gum. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Nuggets-Sixers: Renaldo Balkman gave Denver a 1.7 trillion payday!

Pacers-Bobcats: Juwan Howard pressed "Start" on his bawful evening with a 37-second Mario for Larry Brown.

Grizzlies-Blazers: Greg Buckner may have gone against form with three lacktion-ruining boards, but luckily Marko Jaric saved the day as a substitute lacktator, bricking twice for a suck differential of +2 in 4:04.

Hawks-Kings: The statline difference between sometimes-lacktator Acie Law and THE Mario West shows why one Hawk will be on a first-name basis for years, while the other needed a failed bet to get on the news. Law laid down a brick, but then handcuffed himself with an assist, while Mr. West once again dusted off a cartridge with his namesake stat, a 12 second Mario that somehow included a foul!

Lakers-Warriors: Don Nelson had Jermareo Davidson stomp a Goomba tonight with a single-brick 40-second Mario.

Tom Ziller, quote machine: Mr. Ziller recently had this to say about our intrepid lacktion reporter: "That Chris guy is hilarious. I didn't know we had funny people in Sacramento. Send my thumbs up."

Siohvaughn Wade: Pookie is suing his ex-wife for defamation after she claimed he cheated on her and gave her an STD. You can't make this stuff up.

Rick Adelman: Adelman got upset at Knee-Mac for not informing the team of his decision to shut down for the season and get microfracture surgery for his achy-breaky knee before he went to the media. Said Rick: "There should be a protocol, there should be a procedure where we have a chance to sit down and talk about the situation and not be announced in the press. I don't know why that happened, why he did that. Certainly, that is not the way things should be handled." True. But then, the Rockets probably should have noticed that their was something worse than "general soreness" going on with McGrady's knee for the past several months. They told him he just had to play his knee back to health. Whoops.

Stuart Scott: I got the following email from Basketbawful reader William:

This didn't happen on the court, but I think it qualifies for a "Worst of." Background, I'm a C's fan, watching the Hornets-Magic game on ESPN. At halftime Stuart Scott tosses out this gem:

"Here's another reason why Boston might need to make a trade, because last year they had the best record in the East, and it took them seven games to beat Cleveland. Right now, the Cavaliers have the best record in the East. And they are running away with the East."

Last time I checked the standings (which was after the Cav's win tonight) they looked like this: Boston 44-11, Cleveland 41-11.

I know everyone hates the Celtics, but is it really fair to just flat-out lie about the standings? Or is he just too lazy to check said standings? Being behind by three in the win column is not 'running away with the East.' And can we please drop the 'seven games' bull? Yes, the Cavs took us to a decisive seventh game. The Hawks did too. That is not an accomplishment. Getting a ring is an accomplishment.

Penn State versus Illinois: This is a real final score: Penn St. 38, Illinois 33. Dear God. And Rush the Court pointed out that: "...as ESPN’s copy editors put it, Penn St. powered past Illinois." I'm getting cold chills. Not the good kind, either. (Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, rescinded trades, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler

"Bloargh!"
Thanks to Martin for the pic.

Larry Brown: His Bobcats fell to 2-5 -- and 1-2 on their current six-game home stand -- and you can already see the first signs of the patented Larry Brown Discontent (TM). Said Brown: "I have never been with a team where you're trying to figure out whether we drive the ball, whether we post the ball, whether we run pick and roll. It's a real puzzle right now." Larry did, however, take a break from his puzzling to crack on Sean May, who had been on the inactive list since Charlotte's first game due to unsightly fatness (seriously, take a look at his player profile picture). Regarding May's two-minute, 27-second stint -- in which he went 0-for-1 and had an assist -- Brown said: "It took him four seconds to shoot a jump shot." Aw, cheer up, Larry. At least Adam Morrison's shooting a career-high 39 percent! In all seriousness, I think Brown might set a personal record for growing weary and leaving a team this season. And if he does indeed dump the 'Cats, I would like Larry to know that, based on these and other comments he's made over the years, that he'll always have a job at Basketbawful. Only it will be unpaid and he'll have to fetch me my morning coffee. Café latte. Twist of lemon. Sweet 'n' low.

J.R. Smith: He's supposed to be instant offense -- just add water!! -- but I guess somebody forgot to add the water yesterday. Smith finished with 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting (0-for-3 from downtown) and a couple turnovers in 17 minutes. It's the third time in the last four games that he's scored 5 or fewer points. On the season, he's hitting a career-low 36 percent of his shots. But at least his defense has been...never mind.

Emeka Okafor: I sure do love to watching guys underachieve after signing huge offseason contract extensions! Okafor scored 2 points on 1-for-5 shooting and had three of his shots returned to sender. He's almost averaging a double-double (10.1 PPG and 9.9 RPG), which is good I guess. Just not six-year, $72 million good. Man, if only there was someplace I could go to discuss how much I don't like this guy...hey, it's the Emeka Okafor Sucks Forum! Perfect!

Ben Wallace: He had his fourth scoreless game (out of eight) of the season last night. He shot 0-for-3 and had only 4 rebounds. And get this: He's Cleveland's highest paid player this season at $14,500,000. Yes, you read that correctly. He makes more money than teammate LeBron James. [Insert maniacal laughter here.] Oh, and here's a little retroactive WotN: Two games ago, against the Pacers, Big Ben had zero points and zero rebounds in 19 minutes of lack-tion. It becomes increasingly unbelievable that, only two seasons ago, he was the hottest free agent acquisition in the league. Pretty soon, the sound technicians at Quicken Loans Arena are going to be ringing that gong for things like "sitting down to rest aching knees" and "rubbing Icy Hot on back to reduce spasms."

Wally Szczerbiak and Boobie Gibson: They combined to score zero points on 0-for-11 shooting (and 0-for-8 from beyond the arc). But they did contribute 3 rebounds and 6 fouls in almost 50 minutes of composite PT. You've gotta love one-dimensional shooters who can't shoot the ball. It's like having a garbage man who leaves trash instead of picking it up.

Mike Brown, quote machine: After the game, the Cleveland coach showed off his acute perceptiveness by observing that: "LeBron is LeBron." You know, in case you didn't realize who LeBron was. He's LeBron. Got that?

Mo Williams, quote machine: After a successful game against his old team, Williams said: "I had fun...and 'Bron was 'Bron." Has everybody got that? Lebron James was and still is LeBron James. I hope this finally clears up all the confusion.

The Philadelphia 76ers: After watching his team score 80 points and shoot only 38 percent at home -- falling to a very disappointing 2-5 in the process -- Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks said: "I just think our offense is out of sync." Well, thanks for that penetrating insight, Captain Obvious. Here are the raw numbers, in case you keep track of these things: Philly currently ranks 17th in shooting (43.9) and 22nd in scoring (94.9), which isn't what everybody expected when the team broke their giant piggy bank to sign Elton Brand over the summer. I mean, Brand was supposed to hit a high percentage of his shots and create easy buckets for everybody else wasn't he? Yet they scored more and shot better last season without him. This is a sign that, Boston's success last year notwithstanding, you can't always dump an All-Star onto a decent team and expect immediate success.

Kyle Korver: Speaking of shooters who can't shoot, Korver was 1-for-7 from the field last night. I guess he should spend more time practicing and less time signing autographs. Congrats on the successful coat drive though, Kyle.

The Dallas Mavericks: Sure they were without Josh Howard, and yeah they gave it their all last night, but they squandered a great opportunity to hand the Lakers their first loss of the season. (They also wasted a turn-back-the-clock performance by Jerry Stackhouse, who not only lit it up offensively but put the locks on Kobe over the last couple minutes of the game.) Their biggest bust: Letting L.A. erase a 10-point deficit and take a small lead while Kobe Bryant was on the bench.

And, actually, it's like Wild Yams has been saying in the comments: The Lakers are beating people with their bench. I mean, check out all the +/- scores. All the Laker starters (except Andrew Bynum) were down, while all the bench players (except Luke Walton) were up: Trevor Ariza was +16, Lamar Odom and The Machine were +13, and Jordan Farmar was +9. The L.A. Pine Riders scored 36 points, grabbed 18 rebounds, dished 4 assists, stole the ball 7 times and had 2 blocked shots. But even more important than those numbers were the energy and defensive tenacity they brought (particularly Ariza, who's starting to look like as much of a steal as Pau Gasol).

The Mavericks' bench: Outside of Jerry Stackhouse, the Dallas Bench Raiders pulled a collective no-show. Most disappointing, though, was (and has been) the play of Brandon Bass, who was nearly transparent in 11 minutes. He had an assist. That's it. How does that happen? Even Jose Juan Barea had a rebound in his limited PT (four minutes). I had Bass tagged as a breakout player at best and, at worst, one of those energy/intangible players. I have no idea what happened to him.

Jason Kidd: His triple-double (16 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists) was mitigated by his 1-for-7 three-point shooting. Uh, Jas, they're leaving you open out there for a reason. I would like to point out, though, that Kidd is having a mini-renaissance this season. He's shooting a career-high 47 percent and looks much more comfortable running the Mavs' offense than he did last season. In fact, they look kind of lost without him when he's out of the game. In fact, Dallas is starting to develop one of those "Steve Nash and the Suns" sort of deals where the offense grinds to a halt when Kidd is out of the game...and there's no serviceable backup in sight.

Dirk Nowitzki: He didn't just miss a late three-pointer that could have tied the game, he launched a shot that hit nothing but air. And he was wide open. So in case you were wondering, the answer is: Dirk still cannot be trusted in clutch situations.

Dirk Nowitzki versus Pau Gasol: It was a real joy watching these to marshmallows go head-to-head. I've never witnessed a more diverse display of arm flails, pissy looks, pained expressions and verbal flops in all my years of watching basketball. The weird thing was, Gasol was getting more love from the refs. At one point, Gasol used a particularly aggressive verbal flop to draw a delayed whistle even though it looked like Dirk had slapped all ball. Meanwhile, Dirk received only four FTAs despite the fact that the Lakers were roughing him up all night.

Andrew Bynum: He got his numbers -- 11 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocked shots -- but his post game was "meh" and he had some ugly misses. But worse than that was the seeming lack of fire in his belly. He loped up and down the floor. He let Erick Dampier (12 offensive rebounds) push him around. Watching the game, I kept thinking, "Man, if this kid played with Trevor Ariza's passion, there'd be no stopping him." But I'm not sure Bynum has that passion. And he's already been extended, so you probably can't expect any Contract Year Phenomenon-style play out of him. Remember, he was supposed to be The Story of L.A.'s predicted early season success. Instead, it's been their bench.

Derek Fisher: Last night's 1-for-8 shooting performance is part of a larger trend: Fish is shooting 32 percent from the field and has yet to hit 50 percent of his shots in a game this season. It's taking all the veteran leadership he can muster to keep his spot in the rotation. That and the compromising pictures he has of Phil Jackson modeling a Native American headdress...and nothing else.

Luke Walton: Three minutes, 0-for-1, and a suck differential of +1.

Update! Sasha Vujacic: Taken out by a chest bump. Congrats, Sasha. You've supplanted Pau as the biggest wuss on the team. You must be proud. (Thanks to Jodial and the anonymous poster for the link.)


Joakim Noah: He got his first start of the season and responded with a lackluster 2-point, 8-rebound performance. More distressing than his stat line, though, was the lack of energy he brought to the floor...since, you know, he's supposed to be Chicago's energy guy and all that. I don't know if Noah's out of shape or what -- how is that even possible? -- but he did a lot of loping up and down the floor last night. And Al Horford, his old college teammate, ate his lunch (27 points, 17 rebounds).

Tyrus Thomas: In 21 minutes, he scored 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting and had almost as many turnovers (3) as rebounds (5). He also had more blocks against (3) than blocks (1). He's not shooting 28 percent on the season. Meanwhile, here's how the player the Bulls could have had is doing...

Officiating: It wasn't so much the 36-25 advantage in free throw attempts that got my attention -- the Hawks were the more aggressive team, after all -- but there was one play Zaza Pachulia received a pass and took three long steps without a dribble before laying it in. And there was a ref right there to see it. How do you blow that call? It's not like that was LeBron James or anything. It was Zaza Pachulia!

Basketbawful: Okay. I have to admit. Derrick Rose is looking pretty impressive.

Acie Law IV: Nominated by Bret of Peachtree Hoops: "-17 in just over 8 minutes of playing time, 0-1 FGA (that shot was blocked) and a personal foul. It's not his fault that Woodson too often last year played him alongside Tyronn Lue and this year alongside Flip Murray rather than letting him run pick-and-roll with the second unit but he's been impressively ineffective thus far." Hm, 1.5 PPG on 23 percent shooting and 1.5 RPG over six games. I'd say "ineffective" is being pretty generous.

Othello Hunter: He had a one trillion against the Bulls.

Mario West: His 14-second stint earned Mario his first Mario of the season. And there was much rejoicing.

Mike D'Antoni: He still can't figure out a way to stop Tim Duncan or score against the Spurs. Last night, his team scored 80 points and shot only 38 percent. I can only hope that, for D'Antoni's sake, that money does indeed buy happiness. I wouldn't know myself.

Kurt Thomas: He played almost 10 minutes and didn't grab a single rebound. Did he shrink? It's the second time this season he failed to snare a board.

Matt Bonner: He managed a 28-second Mario against the Knicks. Which, to be honest, was 28 more seconds than I thought he'd get.

The Sacramento Kings: They pressed the fourth quarter self-destruct button last night, thus squandering an early 15-point lead and missing out on the chance to reach .500 for the first time since December 4, 2006. As Reggie Theuss screamed and fumed on the sidelines, the Kings committed 5 turnovers in four minutes, which allowed the Pistons to go on a 12-6 run to ice the game. Theuss -- who yelled "NO!" during one doomed possession -- said: "None of [the turnovers] were caused by the other team. [It was] just carelessness on our part. Our guys -- give them credit -- I really felt like they outplayed (Detroit) for 42 minutes." Sadly, NBA games are still 48-minute affairs. Theuss was also upset about the free throw disparity. "Thirty-six free throws to our 17 is ridiculous. Their stars got the calls down the stretch." Mmmm. Sour grapes.

Brad Miller: Prepare to throw up in your mouth a little: Brad scored 7 points on 16 shot attempts and have five of his shots blocked. Uh, he's still seven feet tall, right? Was he shooting the ball while sitting down or something? Said Miller: "That was one of the worst games I've had since high school, college, pros, summer league...[while playing] PlayStation, [Nintendo] Wii, you name it." Well, at least he's self-aware.

Jason Maxiell: Am I missing something? I figured he was due for some extended PT and an expanded role after 'Tony McDyess got shipped to Denver. But he's played 14, 17 and 11 minutes since the trade, scoring zero, 2 and 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. He's also snatched only 7 rebounds in those three games. Is he hurt? Dying of some rare Mediterranean disease? What happened?

Rasheed Wallace: Last night's 7-point, 7-rebound, 3-for-8 shooting performance is indicative of the 2008-09 'Sheed thus far. He's currently averaging only 11.4 PPG on a career-low 39 percent shooting. In a contract year.

Kevin McHale: It looks like Kevin Love (9.6 PPG, 7.0 RPG, 1.4 APG) is going to be a solid (if unspectacular) pro. But O.J. Mayo (21 PPG, 5.0 RPG, 2.4 APG) is already an awesome pro. So, you know, wrong again, Kevin. But at least you got Antoine Walker off the payroll. So you've got that going for you.

Mark Madsen: Two minutes, 1 foul, suck differential of +1.

Big, flapping vaginas: Al Harrington missed his third straight game with a strained lower back and Corey Maggette sat out his fourth consecutive game wtih a strained left hamstring. Once again: Money well spent, Chris Mullin. Money well spent.

Kobe Bryant: He used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll.

Labels: Ben Wallace, bloargh, Emeka Okafor, Kobe Bryant, Larry Brown, Mario West, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans: I've said over and over this season that guard play was going to doom. Well, after the first two games of the Raptors-Magic series, I was left enjoying the salty taste of my own foot. But no more. Nelson (6 points, 2-for-8, 5 fouls) and Evans (zero points, 0-for-3, zero assists, 3 turnovers) finally lived back down to my expectations. Even worse, they got burned by T.J. Ford (21 points, 7-for-11) and Jose Calderon (18 points, 7 rebounds, 13 assists).

Rasho Nesterovic: The Yugoslavian Terror has been on fire since March -- and I have proof -- but he still got exiled to the bench and played only 10 minutes last night. His line: 2 points, 1-for-3 shooting, 1 turnovers, 4 fouls. Why the reduced role? Some say that putting Jamario Moon back in the starting lineup rejuvenated a listless Raptors team. Me? I think Bryan Colangelo got Rasho's Contract Year Phenomenon vibe and told Sam Mitchell to sit him. That way he'll be cheaper in the offseason. See, as a GM, you've always got to be thinking ahead...

The Cavaliers' butterfingeritis: The Wizards put the pressure on Cleveland, and the Cavs responded by turning the ball over 23 times. Those turnovers translated to 30 points for Washington. Ouch.

LeBron James: With the Washington crowd chearing "OVER-RATED," LeBron chuckled and then boned a freethrow. If I was a Cleveland fan, I would have preferred to see King James adopt a look of steely-eyed determination, sink the freethrow, and then go off on the Wizards. But that didn't happen, which kind of surprised me. Maybe the presence of an angry Soulja Boy took LeBron out of his game.

Wally Szczerbiak: The line: 6 points, 3-for-9 shooting, no three-pointers, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. And while Wally World struggles, the Cavaliers are still waiting for the guy who was supposed to be such a big upgrade from Larry Hughes to show up.

Ben Wallace: Can somebody -- anybody -- tell me how having Big Ben (5 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnovers, 2 blocked shots) for $15.5 million is better than having Drew Gooden for $6.4 million? Since I haven't picked on him in a while, I am morally obligated to once again point out that John Hollinger said of the Chicago-Cleveland trade "This one works, big time (for Cleveland)."

Daniel Gibson: I said he was going to need to step up and hit some big threes for the Cavs. He didn't (0-for-3).

Devin Brown: Amazingly, he was Cleveland's second-best player last night (10 points, 8 rebounds), yet he shot 2-for-8 from the field. That's the kind of night it was for the Cavaliers. Speaking of which...

Dwayne Jones: He was a mere two seconds shy of achieving a seven trillion. Even at six, it's still the highest trillion of the playoffs so far.

Gilbert Arenas: On a night in which almost everything went Washington's way, there was one little cause for concern: Agent Zero reinjured his surgically-repaired left knee. The Wizards claim that Arenas only has a bone bruise and he's listed as day-to-day. But still...it feels a little ominous, doesn't it?

DeShawn Stevenson: Yes. We get it. You can't feel your face. Or whatever. But did you have to steal Hulk Hogan's ear-move too? The Locksmith has officially gone from "mildly amusing" to "unbearably annoying."

But here's a question. What exactly is up with Stevenson's hand gesture? Caseta said: "Here's some material for your WotN: the announcers of the Cavs-Wizards game. Stevenson kept doing the 'can't feel my face' thing, and they kept talking about how no one can see him. They were thinking his gesture meant he was hiding or something. Quite annoying. especially after all the talk during the past couple of weeks. I wonder what they think Mutombo's wagging finger means...perhaps 'do you want to smell my finger ?'"

And this was Mike's response: "Actually, and I'm getting quite annoyed at this, the Hand-Waving-Infront-Of-The-Face gesture is 'You Can't See Me' started by one John Cena of WWE and The Marine fame. He started using it as part of his gimmick about two, two and a half years ago now. Those announcers were actually spot on. Everyone else who thinks that it means that he can't feel his face or he's cooling off his hot hand is just plain wrong."

Can we get a ruling on this? Has Stevenson ever explained it? Does anybody know?

Carlos Boozer: I guess Boozer is taking those Karl Malone comparisons pretty seriously? Remember the trail of broken bodies left behind by The Mailman? Well, last night Boozer decided to begin his own trail, starting with Carl Landry.

Mehmet Okur: He had a double-double (12 points, 11 rebounds), but he also missed 10 of his 13 shot attempts. And his bricklaying did not help Utah's cause.

Andre Kirilenko: He is Utah's X-Factor. When the Russian Rifle is on his game -- scoring, rebounding, passing, playing defense, doing all the little things -- the Jazz seem unstoppable. The only problem is, you never know which Kirilenko is going to show up: The do-everything defensive ace, or the can't-to-anything moper? Last night he was more or less the latter: 5 points, 2-for-7, 2 rebounds, zero assists, 2 turnovers, 1 blocked shot, and 4 fouls. How can such a useful guy be so useless in such a big game? Update! Dunpizzle had this to add: "More AK47 WotN - he had the audacity to try to win a 2nd straight game with a flop." Oh my stars and garters, he did. How did I miss that?! Have...have I become desensitized to Andre's flopping??


Some random Jazz fan: Memo to front row spectators everywhere: Bob Delaney will not tolerate your potty mouth. [From Odenized.]


Tracy McGrady apologists: An anonymous reader left this comment on yesterday's Tracy McGrady: Responsible for the world and all its woes post: "Well, last night was, pretty much, T-Mac's fault that the Jazz lost the game."

However, another anonymous reader begged very much to differ: "Uh, not based on what I see. Sure he brought the Rockets close, but he almost bricked the game at the end as well. It was Carl Landry's drawn foul that gave the Rockets a 93-86 lead (opposed to 92-86). Tracy's screwup offensive foul allowed the Jazz to to pull within 93-92 (opposed to 92-92). Then Landry's block saved the lead for the win (no OT). It's annoying that most media members just blindly give McGrady a free pass, other than maybe Tony Kornheiser on Pardon The Interruption. That's 'why y'all hatin' on T-mac so much,' because at some point seven first round exits has to mean something."

It should be noted that McGrady scored 7 points in the final 3:29 of the fourth, and those were very important points. However, the win wasn't all Tracy, as Lipsome123 pointed out: "I keep seeing things about T-mac being great in the 4th quarter...really?! 2-8 shooting, bad fouls, leaving Okur wide open for a three is good? He was saved by his teammates." Keep in mind too that the win hardly absolves McGrady of several seasons worth of big game disappearances. As JR commented -- fairly or unfairly -- "T-Mac is just a real life exhibition of learned helplessness. I think its gotten to the point where we have to recognise T-Mac as the bizarro Kobe." Personally? I'd like to see Tracy put an end to all that. Just not against my Jazz, please.

ESPN caption writers: Basketbawful reader Quinton sent this in an email: "Big Q here, lover, fighter, die hard rockets fan. Thought you'd be interested in ESPN mislabeling not one of our role players, but our star shooting guard as a center." He's not wrong. Here's ESPN's caption for the lead picture of today's WotN post: "Houston Rockets center Tracy McGrady loses the ball as he heads against Utah Jazz guard Ronnie Brewer (9) during the first quarter of Game 3 of a first-round NBA basketball playoff series Thursday, April 24, 2008, in Salt Lake City." Center? So what, does that mean Yao is out of a job when his foot heals?

Labels: Andre Kirilenko, Ben Wallace, box score madness, Carlos Boozer, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeShawn Stevenson, Gilbert Arenas, Lebron James, Orlando Magic, Rasho Nesterovic, Tracy McGrady, Wally Szczerbiak

Boston Celtics: I'm not saying that that this team has lost focus now that there's nothing left to play for...actually, you know what? That's precisely what I'm saying. The Celtics turned their effort on and off all night, cruising here, making a run there, hitting big shots and then committing careless mistakes (they had 20 turnovers). The up-and-down, sometimes lackadaisical play led to a 109-95 defeat that gave the Wizards, a potential playoff opponent, more confidence than they probably deserve. Not a big deal, maybe, but you never want to give your foes any type of psychological advantage going into the postseason.

Doc Rivers: Doc couldn't quite decide whether to rest his stars or go all out to beat Washington, so he did the worst possible thing: He yanked The Big Three but then put them back in the game because the score was still close in the fourth quarter. The end result? He didn't rest his stars or win. Paul Pierce played 37 minutes, Ray Allen logged 36, and Kevin Garnett put in 30. Okay, KG got some rest, but what in the name of Lincoln's wart was Ray-Ray doing on the floor that long? We've been hearing all season that Allen's fragile ankles now have the relative durability of two dowel rods wrapped in toilet tissue. If there's one Celtic -- besides Sam Cassell, that is -- who should be sitting, it's Ray Allen. Save him for the playoffs, Doc.

Brian Scalabrine: Everybody's favorite candlepin bowler-slash-instructional video star actually got some PT last night. He would have scored a one trillion, but he gonked a shot and committed a turnover. Which, now that I think about it, is even sadder than getting a trillion.

Maurice Ager: There's our one trillion of the night. Thanks, Maurice.

Ben Wallace: It's good to see Big Bum disappoint somewhere other than Chicago. Wallace's line against the Nets: 1 points (0-for-2), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 turnovers and the worst +/- score on the team (-12).

The Nets' fourth quarter: New Jersey started the quarter down by two points, but they quickly went up by one when Bostjan Nachbar hit a three-pointer. The Nets didn't know it at the time, but their first field goal of the period would also be their last; they went 0-for-19 the rest of the way. And so New Jersey got outscored 28-9 in that final stanza and lost 104-83. Mind you, their very playoff lives were at stake. You hear that, Nets? It's a bell tolling for thee.

Chicago Bulls: It's official. They're not even really trying to win at this point. And Ben Gordan -- who last summer announced that he's the best player on the team -- said it's hard for the players to motivate themselves with nothing to play for and no reason to care. Said Gordan Gordon: ''Anybody who says it isn't, is not telling the truth."

Well, you're wrong, Ben. There's at least one Bull who still cares: Rookie Joakim Noah. And he had some strong (and refreshingly frank) words after the game. Said Noah: "'Losing is like a disease, it spreads throughout the whole team,. It's really hard right now, because regardless of what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season. I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. You can talk about Florida, but if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. We're losers. That's all there is to say." He's not wrong."

And Noah wasn't done. ''There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about approach to every game; the things that are going to be tolerated and the things that aren't going to be tolerated. Not the little, stupid things. I'm talking about winning; the sacrifices that need to be done in order to win.'' Amen, brother. Amen. Say whatever you want about his maturity or his hideous jump shot, but the kid is focused, intense, and dedicated to winning. I wish whatever he has would spread through that lineup. In the meantime, the Bulls have stolen the Chicago Cubs' mantra: Wait 'till next year.

Patrick Ewing: From Odenized. You know that fat lip Dwight Howard's sporting these days? It's a little something Ewing likes to call "payback." Still, I figure Stan Van Gundy might prefer if his assistant coach didn't endorse injuries to the team's superstar until after the playoffs.


Isiah Thomas, quote machine: With his team riding a three-game winning streak -- and yes, that's a season-high -- Isiah is all bright eyes and wistful smiles. "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they’re a team now. A little late, but nevertheless." Wow. It took him only four years to make them a real team. Congratulations, Zeke.

Mark Madsen: We had a Mark Madsen signing! He played 4 minutes and had 1 rebound. That's it. Did you know this is Madsen's 8th NBA season? Wow. And I said Kwame Brown was going to be out of the league soon? What was I thinking?! There's obviously always room at the end of an NBA roster for a big, talentless stiff.

Seattle SuperSonics: In the two games they've played since dropping 151 points on the Enver Nuggets, the Sonics have scored 83 (on 38 percent shooting) and 80 (on 36 percent shooting). A few more bricks, and they'll be ready to build their new stadium from scratch!

San Antonio Spurs: Memo to Gregg Popovich: Shaq is not dead quite yet. Pop decided to stick with single coverage on The Big Resurrection, and his team paid the price for it. Shaq scored 8 points in the fourth quarter, including two huge hooks over Tim Duncan that gave the Suns what turned out to be an insurmountable lead over the defending champs.

Matt Bonner: Ugh. Three trillion. You, sir, are a disgrace to the name "Matt." I say you return that name for something for fitting, like maybe "Poindexter" or "Booger."

Bruce Bowen: What? Bowen pulled a move out of his Dirty Player Aresenal especially for his team's game against the Suns? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I can totally believe it.)


Amare Stoudemire: After getting the old atomic elbow from Bowen, Stat tried to go all hombre on him. "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in my rib cage. You know, definitely wasn’t a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn’t appreciate it. So, I let him know about it." Stoudemire is crazy athletic, and he's an amazing scorer. But he is so not a tough guy. Button the lip, Amare, and let Shaq be your hombre, okay?

Shaq: The Big Cactus played well, but he got a little grandiose after the game (as he is wont to do). Said Shaq: "I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created." No offense, Shaq, but you're wrong. The baddest 36-year-old ever created was Karl Malone. Take a look: 25.5 PPG (on 51 percent shooting), 9.5 RPG, 3.7 APG, and -- if you're into advanced stats -- a PER of 27.1 which, according to John Hollinger's handy reference guide, would have made him a "Strong MVP Candidate." Nobody has ever played better at 36. Not even Kareem. (Seriously.)

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Chicago Bulls, Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas, Joakim Noah, New Jersey Nets, Patrick Ewing, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics

Jeremy Richardson: He played only 10 seconds and, of course, went zero-for-everything. Makes sense, since I can't even unwrap a stick of gum in 10 seconds. Super Mario West -- who actually got onto the floor for a buck and some change -- said: "I feel your pain, bro."

DeShawn Stevenson: Al Horford gave him a little of The Mutumbo Treatment in the fourth quarter of Washington's home loss to the Hawks. Watching him flail around in an attempt to get the foul was kind of funny, and kind of sad. Seemed worth a mention.

New York Knicks: They let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them almost single-handedly. Funleavy matched his career-high of 36 points for the fourth time this season. Two of those four scoring explosions came against the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas: He looks so sad, I almost want to give him a hug. Around the neck. With a chain.

My own stubbornness: Several of my readers have been calling me out on this, and I'm finally ready to concede to the facts: Mike Dunleavy Jr. doesn't totally suck anymore. You can read my formal concession speech in my NBA Closer column on Deadspin. But until further otice, I am going to officially retire the Basketbawful adage that "You can't trust any team that gives up a career night to Mike Dunleavy Jr." His good games just aren't a fluke anymore. I guess it's not too surprising when you think about it. I mean, he's being coached by Jim O'Brien this season, the same Jim O'Brien that made Antoine Walker an All-Star. Twice. I'm guessing he turns water into wine in his spare time.

Wally Sczcerbiak and Ben Wallace: I'm not going to bother mentioning how John Hollinger and several other NBA experts said the trade that brought these fleshbags to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. (Oops! I mentioned it!) Wally's numbers have plummeted across the board. That trend continued last night, as he barely even played (5 minutes, 46 seconds) and had the productivity to show for it (2 points, 1-for-4 from the field). As for Big Ben, well, here's how Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm put it in an email to me: "23 minutes. 2 points. 4 rebounds. 1 block. 3 Fouls. What's amazing about Ben Wallace isn't that he's terrible. It's that he's non-existent. The man is a freaking ghost. It's like he's the ghost from Super Mario Brothers. He disappears if you look at him in any way." One slight correction: The ghosts in SMB didn't disappear when you looked at them, they just froze in place. But that only makes the comparison even more appropriate.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: I know it can't be easy to play with a bulging disc in your back, especially when you're playing against a monster like Dwight Howard. But Big Z couldn't have been eaten alive any more if a group of tribal cannibals had cooked him alive in a big copper pot. He shot 2-for-10 and almost fouled out in 29 minutes. (Okay. The cannibal joke might have been a little too much, since Superman shot only 6-for-14.)

Jameer Nelson: The Basketbawful broken record keeps skipping on this one, but the Orlando Magic's fatal flaw is their flawed backcourt. Last night, Nelson shot 2-for-12 from the field for his 6 points. And yeah, he hit a big three-pointer with two and a half minutes left to help seal the deal, but even that one rimmed out and hit the backboard before the hoop choked it back down. To be fair, though, Meer Meer did have 7 assists.

Charlotte Bobcats: It's not like I develop unrealistic expectations for 24-win teams, but I did sort of figure that the 'Cats were better than an 18-point drubbing by the Memphis Grizzlies. My bad. What's more, Charlotte's best player last night was Derek Anderson (17 points, 7-for-10). Raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still in the league. Okay, raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still alive.

Funtastic extra: More randomness from Hardwood Paroxysm's Matt: "If you're the Charlotte Bobcats, how do you lose to Memphis by 18? How? How is that even possible? Is it like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where Ferris says they have to drive home backwards? Is that what Charlotte did? You know what I want to do? I want to watch that game like Memento. I want to see it backwards. Have it begin with the Bobcats losing by 18, and then watch how they self-destruct a little bit at a time, until finally they're at 0-0. That will leave me much more satisfied."

Update: Basketbawful reader Kevin confirmed that the Super Mario Brothers ghosts -- which are called Boos -- do indeed turn invisible when you look at them. The Super Mario Wiki has an entry for the Boos. You can learn all sorts of interesting Boo facts, such as that they have their own system of government (a monarchy), several sub-species (which include Atomic Boos, Balloon Boos, Big Boos, Boo Buddies, Dark Boos, Fishin' Boos, and many others), and a whole list of "notable" Boos (Boolossus, Bootler, Franky, King Boo, The Creepy Steeple Boo, et al.).

Brian Cardinal: He couldn't even get on the floor in a blowout. What's one level below Human Victory Cigar? Human Paperweight? I mean, even Kwame Brown played. Kwame Brown!

Smush Parker: Welcome back, Smush! Based on your stat line -- zero points on 0-for-4 shooting in 10 minutes of lack-tion -- it's like you never left us!

Los Angeles Clippers: I just get this feeling that they've chosen to tank the rest of the season. I mean, they not only signed Smush Parker, they're playing him too. That's a wee bit suspicious, don't you think?

Chicago Bulls: So much for pulling off the upset. Man, that 33-13 fourth quarter was brutal. And so was Kirk Hinrich's cameo (zero points, 0-for-6, 5 assists).

Chris Duhon: Du-Du gets extra special mention for missing the game -- and not even travelling to New Orleans with the team -- due to the ever-popular flu-like symptoms.

Damon Stoudemire: DNP-CD, baby. If the Spurs actually do manage to defend their title this season, he's going to be playing the role of "Glenn Robinson: Championship Remora."

Robert Horry: He let a potential game-winner fly with a couple seconds left instead of calling timeout (as coach Popovich wanted) in one of those classic "He's a genius if he hits it and an idiot if he misses" situations. And I hate to ruin the ending for you, but he was an idiot.

Toronto Raptors: They need Chris Bosh back. Badly.

T.J. Ford: Dude, chill out. Seriously.


Jason Hart: This kid really came through for me; I was afraid I was going to get through a Worst of the Night post without awarding a trillion. And Jason had a two trillion! Woo hoo!

Rafer Alston versus Sasha Vujacic: This one's a day late but worth reviewing. Near the end of the Lakers/Rockets game on Sunday, Rafer Alston went all NBA Street on Sasha Vujacic, Sasha hacked him for it, and Rafer responded by sticking a finger in Sasha's mug before getting restrained by a referee. It's kind of a shame that Alston had to transform back into Skip 2 My Lou at the tail end of his best game as a pro. It's also kind of a shame that Vujacic is such a douche. (Thanks to everybody who commented or e-mailed me about this one.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Rafer Alson, Sasha Vujacic, Smush Parker, Toronto Raptors, Wally Szczerbiak, Worst of the Night