Larry Brown attempts to gouge out his eyes after watching his Bobcraps play. Good thing he no longer has that problem!
Is anyone actually surprised by Larry Brown getting the hell out of Charlotte? I look forward to Michael Jordan doing what Bawful reader JJ suggested and becoming an owner/coach. The comedy would be endless!

Since the sun rose in the east this morning, that means we have yet another example of Ron Artest doing what Ron Artest does best. Here is a post from Trey Kirby at The Basketball Jones where Ron Artest tells us what stats Jesus Christ put up when he played in the NBA. Unfortunately, these numbers do not match up with those The Onion gives us. All I know is that this story made me immediately fire up Youtube to rewatch this video.

Via The Other Chris, check out this insane high school dunk contest.

Thanks for reminding me that I can barely reach the bottom of the net, guys
And some brief footbawful: oh for the love of God, they want to make a movie about the Madden Curse. So, is whomever they put on the poster doomed to break his ankle filming a scene for the movie? (h/t chris)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Noah making a goofy face and Scalabrine doing Scalabrine-like things. This is what this website is all about.

If I lost to the Bucks, I'd want to hide too

"Maybe I shouldn't have flashed that 'choke' sign..."

What's with the pouty faces? Nobody's forcing you to hug each other

Nationally Televised Games:
Bulls at Wizards Generals, 7pm: The story of the night for Washington is they will finally get to play their newest acquisition, Rashard Lewis. Because I'm sure that's the difference-maker that will vault them to the top of the standings.

All The Other Games:
Cavaliers at Hawks, 7pm: I know they don't have LeBron and all, but damn, when did Cleveland become something resembling an unholy Eastern Conference version of the Purple Paupers or Clippers? Something needs to light a fire under their asses. You know, other than their river.

Pistons at Craptors, 7pm: Well, at least a couple people will be enjoying this game. Per The Other Chris: "Bawful field trip tonight: Craptors vs. Pissed-Ons. I'm taking a friend with whom I have a bet about which team will have a worse record this year. Much drinking and yelling will ensue. 'Tis the season to be jolly!"

76ers at Celtics, 7:30pm: I still can't get over the fact that the Sixers have quietly been amazingly mediocre lately. I mean, 6-4 in their past 10 games? That's playing like a #4 seed in the Leastern Conference! (Good to know there's no way they can keep this up. Right? Right...?)

Thunder at Knicks, 7:30pm: Nice to see the schedule balancing out for New York. After a stretch of games softer than Charles Barkley's fat rolls, they're now getting their share of tough games, and the results haven't been pretty.

Nyets at Hornets, 8pm: Let's be honest, folks. Does anyone really see the Nyets landing Carmelo Anthony? How much longer do we have to entertain this storyline?

Jazz at Timberwolves, 8pm: Look out. This is the first time Al Jefferson will be facing his former team. I mean, you already don't want to lose to the Timberpups anyway just because that's humiliating, but especially when you've got some history with them.

Nuggets at Spurs, 8:30pm: Sad news: Carmelo won't be playing tonight due to a death in the family.

Rockets at Clippers, 10:30pm: What astronomical odds! Both of these teams are riding three game winning streaks! The only thing I expected them to be riding was an express train to the NBA draft lottery.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Charlotte Bobcats, Larry Brown

Note: With Basketbawful himself unavoidably detained, I am making my WotN debut, with Chris chiming in for a couple quotes and providing the usual lacktion report.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Another game, another horrendous loss. Washington put up one of its usual sloppy displays while doing nothing in crunch time en route to a 90-76 loss to the Heat, led by a 41 point effort from the poorly spelled Dwyane Wade. (This is the second time this season D-Wade has put up 40+ points in a game. Yes, both times were against the Wizards Generals, just in case you expected anything less from this team.)

Washington pissed away an 11-point second half lead, and a final turnover snagged by D-Wade with 27 seconds left on the clock could be considered the nail in the coffin, but I’m pretty sure simply being the Washington Wizards Generals is the more realistic nail in the coffin. The loss was the fifth straight for Washington, and the sixth consecutive time that the Heat have pummeled them. The Washington bench provided all of two points, and Randy Foye left the game after just over 6 relatively non-contributory minutes (one foul, one brick, but a team-leading +5!) with a sprained ankle.

Gilbert Arenas, Turnover Machine: Say, wasn’t a healthy Agent Zero supposed to be the answer to the Wizards Generals’ woes? Unfortunately, as we all know, Gilbert Arenas comes with a curse. While he did drop 21 points on the Heat (that’s good!), Agent Zero built a brick wall, going 7-for-20 from the field. (That’s bad.) He also managed a meager 4-for-8 performance from the free throw line to prove his shooting woes couldn’t be stopped; they could only be contained. He brought down 5 defensive boards to go with 8 assists and 2 steals. (That’s good!)

However, as said best in the NBA Coast to Coast show on ESPN2, “he had a little turnover issue…” to the tune of 12 turnovers. (That’s bad.) Ten of those turnovers came in the second half of the game, and the rest of his team combined for only 10 additional turnovers. Not the best way to get your team out of a funk there, Gilbert. (Do all those turnovers at least come with a free frogurt?) As noted by the Associated Press game recap: “Arenas was the first NBA player with that many giveaways since Feb. 1, 2007.” Do I really need to say it? …The hell with it, I’m saying it anyway: FAIL.

But hey, at least his +/- stat was only a -9. That’s certainly better than…

DeShawn Stevenson: The line on the box score for +/- for this fine young player displayed a whopping -25. Yep, by far the team leader in letting guys put up points while on the floor. Granted the plus/minus stat is a flawed metric, but I’m just sayin’…

Magic-Bobcats: DeSagana Diop dropped the rock twice for a +2 suck differential in 3:29 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl, while fellow Bobcat Gerald Henderson bricked once from downtown for a +1 in 2:30.

Wizards-Heat: Nick Young bricked once and took down a foul for a +2 in 2:32, matched by Randy Foye in 6:30. while Randy Foye's ledger appearance has been reassessed as it came due to injury. A third Wizard appeared in tonight's report, as the fabulous Fabricio Oberto did score a board in 16:49 but nullified that with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Mavs: Brian Cook fried up a 3.35 trillion for Houston, while Dallas's Quinton Ross earned a +5 in 13:19 by fouling thricely, bricking once and taking a rejection as well.

Nuggets-Bulls: Had Brad Miller been given an extra tenth of a second for the game-winning shot, he wouldn't be in the ledger for his 14:10 appearance, in which he had also made a field goal earlier in the night, as well as rebounding twice. But four fouls and two giveaways result in a 6:4 Voskuhl upon video review!!!!

Thunder-Kings: Kevin Ollie puppeted three fouls for a +3 in 10:55.

Labels: Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Gilbert Arenas, guest author, Houston Rockets, Larry Brown, Memphis Grizzlies, Oklahoma City Thunder, Washington Wizards, Zach Randolph likes hitting people

Michael Jordan: The Bobcats' part owner was back in his courtside seat for a second straight game after a two-week absence. Active. Involved. Interested. None of these words describe Michael Jordan The Owner.

Al Jefferson: Big Al was strong on the glass (9 rebounds) and actually played a little interior defense for a change (6 blocked shots), but he let his team down on the offensve end, where he shot 3-for-11 and finished with only 8 points...13 below his season average. Said Jefferson: "They're doing a great job of just acting like they're going and stunting. It's messing me up." Uh...can anybody translate that from Big Al to English for me?

Jason Collins: The line: Zero points (0-for-1), 1 rebound, 1 block against and 4 personal fouls in 13 minutes and 13 seconds. Truly some unlucky numbers. And mind you, HE IS MINNESOTA'S STARTING CENTER. It was Jason's fourth scoreless game in 10 appearances this season. He's also shooting only 24 percent on the year, despite the fact that 99 percent of his shots are taken within a foot of the basket. And this isn't just a rough start because of his offseason golf cart injury (and no I'm not making that up): Last season, he went off for zero points in 33 out of 74 games, including one stretch in which he scored zero points 12 times in 15 games while STARTING for the Nets. That's a real waste of seven feet worth if height.

Kevin Love: 10 points and 8 boards is pretty good for a rookie, but kinda sad when compared to O.J. Mayo's recent 30-point explosions. That sound you hear? It's Kevin McHale. Weeping.

The Larry Brown Kool-Aid: The Bobcats are on fire, having won three of their last five games, and Charlotte's players are lovin' Larry because of it. Jason Richardson, who had a game-high 25 points, said: "It's pretty difficult because there are so many demanding things that he wants you to do. But we're a team that's willing to learn, was ready to listen and looking for something different. We still don’t have everything down, but the things we're doing are heading toward it." Emeka Okafor, who finished with a season-high 24 points on 9-of-14 shooting, said: "That's his history with teams. When he first comes in it takes some time to adjust. There's a learning curve. Once everybody learns it, people get going."

Now, it might be worth pointing out that those three wins came against the slumping 76ers, the always-ready-to-give-up-a-lead Pacers, and sadsack Timberwolves. But whatever. It's cute that they 'Cats think they're "getting it." However, if Okafor's talking about Brown's history, he should probably also mention that things usually end ugly.

Adam Morrison: Wanna see Adam getting posterized? Well, here you go. Morrison also got flushed on by Rashad McCants (who apparently McCan dunk on Adam). In fact, if you check out his Yahoo Profile, there are seven pictures of Adam: Two of him getting dunked on, two of him getting shot over, and three of him committing a foul. Including one foul that's inexplicably described as Morrison getting dunked on by Luke Ridnour (who's not even in the picture). Good times.

The Orlando Magic defense: I know they're the Boston Celtics and everything, but the Magic sure didn't do a very good job of staying in front of anybody. The C's shot 60 percent in the first quarter and 54 percent for the game. Paul Pierce shredded them for 17 points in the third quarter. Said Stan Van Gundy: "We didn't do a very good job on the pick and rolls in the second half. I think more than anything it was a problem with our schemes and preparation." Hmm. Now, Stan, remind me again: Who's responsible for the schemes and preparation?

Anthony Johnson, excuse machine: The Magic were without their starting backcourt last night: Jameer Nelson missed his fourth straight game with a hip flexor and Mickael Pietrus is on injured reserve with a torn right thumb ligament. This caused Johnson to offer the following observation: "Yeah, they smacked us tonight. But with two healthy squads I feel very good." Right. Well, uh, sorry, Anthony, but while I admit having those guys back would make the team better, I'm still not sure you guys are one Jameer Nelson and Mickael Pietrus from being better than (or even as good as) the Celtics. But I'm glad you'd feel very good. That's something.

Bob Delaney, David Guthrie, Gary Zielinski: Things got a little wacky at the Garden last night as the refs demanded that everyone present respect their authori-tah. I'll let Basketbawful reader Garron take this one: "The officiating crew last night was weird. The calls were fine, but technicals were everywhere. Eight were called in total, four by referee Bob Delaney. In fact, during a timeout Delane called a double technical on Sam Cassell, who was just sitting at the end of the bench and had to be sent out. Still no word on what actually happened. Then during the next timeout there was a technical called on Rondo...in the MIDDLE of a timeout while Rondo was in the huddle. Other weird technicals were called on Stan Van Gundy (for arguing a call) and Rashard lewis who, after making a very difficult behind the backboard circus shot, pumped his fist in the air."

When asked why he received his technical, Rondo said: "I don't know. Everyone got a technical." Added Doc Rivers: "This was one interesting game. A lot of technicals. I better be quiet before I get a technical." Now, regarding Same Cassell...

Sam Cassell: Sam now has more technicals (2) and ejections (1) than minutes played (zero). Last night, he was apparently bounced from the bench for complaining about a foul that David Guthrie called on Perkins. Said Rivers: "I told him he took a bullet for me, because I thought it was on me and I wasn't saying anything, so I was upset. I think they were trying to clean the game up. There was a lot of complaining going on. Unfortunately, when that's happening, the first guy who talks gets the tech. And Sam was that guy."

Cleaning up the game is one thing. Last night's techfest was a big much. Anyway, on the subject of Sam I Am, he decided to weigh in on the whole Stephon Marbury Fiasco going on in New York. Cassell thinks the whole deal is "bad for the league" and believes (like just about everybody else) that the Knicks need to get 'er done with regards to cutting Starbury loose. Said Sam: "They really need to get that thing resolved. It doesn't look good for both parties. Steph wants to play and he's better than the guys playing ahead of him. I don't understand it."

Uhm...not sure about that "better than the guys playing ahead of him" part, Sam. But I'm totally with you on the rest of it.

Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings registered two minutes, a missed shot, and a suck differential of +1. Not a bad night's work...for Jason Collins. And check out Scal's Yahoo Profile: The lone picture is of him getting scored on by Jamal Crawford. Even in his own world, he's the "other guy" in the poster.

And now, as an added bonus, Brian's theme song:


The Golden State Warriors: At this point, the Warriors are inventing new and fascinating ways to lose on an almost nightly basis. If only they could use their amazing creative powers to cure cancer or develop a truly everlasting Gob Stopper. Or, you know, win a game.

Last night -- the Warriors' seventh straight defeat, by the way -- the Golden Staters blew the game in a variety of ways. First, they let Udonis Haslem score off an offensive rebound/putback at the buzzer to send the game to overtime. (And that was only one of several second-chance buckets the Warriors surrendered.)

The Warriors were leading by 3 points with less than 10 seconds left in OT when Chris Quinn hit a tying three-pointer at the 7.1-seconds left mark. Michael Beasley then stole the ensuing inbounds pass, got fouled and made the game-winning free throw. Gah. Said Don Nelson: "Well it was a whale of a game, wasn't it? We sure gave it away at the end. Couple of breakdowns just at the wrong time. I thought we had the game won. It will be a hard loss to get over." Don't worry. I'm sure Nellie was feeling better by the fifth or sixth post-game beer. Anyway, I can hardly let this one go without giving a WotN mention to...

Andris Biedrins: He had 17 points (7-for-10), 15 rebounds and only 2 turnovers. However, the second turnover was the inbounds pass that was snatched by Beasley and cost Golden State the victory. Good job, Andris.

Dwyane Wade's butter-soaked fingers: Pookie was once again magnificent -- 37 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists -- but, as usual, he had trouble holding onto the rock and finished with a game-high 7 turnovers. Fittingly, this allowed him to take back the lead in turnovers per game from Golden State's Stephen Jackson (who had 4 last night). Currently, Wade is averaging a league-worst 4.0 TOs per game while Captain Jack is averaging 3.9. I think this is going to be a season-long battle, folks. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Quote machinery and stat cursery: Basketbawful reader Garron informs me that one of the Warriors broadcasters made the following quip last night: "Timeout miami. 125-123 to the Warriors. First to play defense wins." However, according to the official game log, after that timeout Ronny Turiaf blocked Dwyane Wade's shot...and the Warriors went on to lose anyway. Ergo, Golden State got stat cursed by their own commentator. Whoops.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba advised Donnie Walsh not to buy out Stephon Marbury's contract. Said Mamba: "Don't give in to Steph's demands. Make him beg."

Labels: Al Jefferson, Brian Scalabrine, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Kevin Love, Larry Brown, Sam Cassell, theme songs, Worst of the Night

"Bloargh!"
Thanks to Martin for the pic.

Larry Brown: His Bobcats fell to 2-5 -- and 1-2 on their current six-game home stand -- and you can already see the first signs of the patented Larry Brown Discontent (TM). Said Brown: "I have never been with a team where you're trying to figure out whether we drive the ball, whether we post the ball, whether we run pick and roll. It's a real puzzle right now." Larry did, however, take a break from his puzzling to crack on Sean May, who had been on the inactive list since Charlotte's first game due to unsightly fatness (seriously, take a look at his player profile picture). Regarding May's two-minute, 27-second stint -- in which he went 0-for-1 and had an assist -- Brown said: "It took him four seconds to shoot a jump shot." Aw, cheer up, Larry. At least Adam Morrison's shooting a career-high 39 percent! In all seriousness, I think Brown might set a personal record for growing weary and leaving a team this season. And if he does indeed dump the 'Cats, I would like Larry to know that, based on these and other comments he's made over the years, that he'll always have a job at Basketbawful. Only it will be unpaid and he'll have to fetch me my morning coffee. Café latte. Twist of lemon. Sweet 'n' low.

J.R. Smith: He's supposed to be instant offense -- just add water!! -- but I guess somebody forgot to add the water yesterday. Smith finished with 3 points on 1-for-7 shooting (0-for-3 from downtown) and a couple turnovers in 17 minutes. It's the third time in the last four games that he's scored 5 or fewer points. On the season, he's hitting a career-low 36 percent of his shots. But at least his defense has been...never mind.

Emeka Okafor: I sure do love to watching guys underachieve after signing huge offseason contract extensions! Okafor scored 2 points on 1-for-5 shooting and had three of his shots returned to sender. He's almost averaging a double-double (10.1 PPG and 9.9 RPG), which is good I guess. Just not six-year, $72 million good. Man, if only there was someplace I could go to discuss how much I don't like this guy...hey, it's the Emeka Okafor Sucks Forum! Perfect!

Ben Wallace: He had his fourth scoreless game (out of eight) of the season last night. He shot 0-for-3 and had only 4 rebounds. And get this: He's Cleveland's highest paid player this season at $14,500,000. Yes, you read that correctly. He makes more money than teammate LeBron James. [Insert maniacal laughter here.] Oh, and here's a little retroactive WotN: Two games ago, against the Pacers, Big Ben had zero points and zero rebounds in 19 minutes of lack-tion. It becomes increasingly unbelievable that, only two seasons ago, he was the hottest free agent acquisition in the league. Pretty soon, the sound technicians at Quicken Loans Arena are going to be ringing that gong for things like "sitting down to rest aching knees" and "rubbing Icy Hot on back to reduce spasms."

Wally Szczerbiak and Boobie Gibson: They combined to score zero points on 0-for-11 shooting (and 0-for-8 from beyond the arc). But they did contribute 3 rebounds and 6 fouls in almost 50 minutes of composite PT. You've gotta love one-dimensional shooters who can't shoot the ball. It's like having a garbage man who leaves trash instead of picking it up.

Mike Brown, quote machine: After the game, the Cleveland coach showed off his acute perceptiveness by observing that: "LeBron is LeBron." You know, in case you didn't realize who LeBron was. He's LeBron. Got that?

Mo Williams, quote machine: After a successful game against his old team, Williams said: "I had fun...and 'Bron was 'Bron." Has everybody got that? Lebron James was and still is LeBron James. I hope this finally clears up all the confusion.

The Philadelphia 76ers: After watching his team score 80 points and shoot only 38 percent at home -- falling to a very disappointing 2-5 in the process -- Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks said: "I just think our offense is out of sync." Well, thanks for that penetrating insight, Captain Obvious. Here are the raw numbers, in case you keep track of these things: Philly currently ranks 17th in shooting (43.9) and 22nd in scoring (94.9), which isn't what everybody expected when the team broke their giant piggy bank to sign Elton Brand over the summer. I mean, Brand was supposed to hit a high percentage of his shots and create easy buckets for everybody else wasn't he? Yet they scored more and shot better last season without him. This is a sign that, Boston's success last year notwithstanding, you can't always dump an All-Star onto a decent team and expect immediate success.

Kyle Korver: Speaking of shooters who can't shoot, Korver was 1-for-7 from the field last night. I guess he should spend more time practicing and less time signing autographs. Congrats on the successful coat drive though, Kyle.

The Dallas Mavericks: Sure they were without Josh Howard, and yeah they gave it their all last night, but they squandered a great opportunity to hand the Lakers their first loss of the season. (They also wasted a turn-back-the-clock performance by Jerry Stackhouse, who not only lit it up offensively but put the locks on Kobe over the last couple minutes of the game.) Their biggest bust: Letting L.A. erase a 10-point deficit and take a small lead while Kobe Bryant was on the bench.

And, actually, it's like Wild Yams has been saying in the comments: The Lakers are beating people with their bench. I mean, check out all the +/- scores. All the Laker starters (except Andrew Bynum) were down, while all the bench players (except Luke Walton) were up: Trevor Ariza was +16, Lamar Odom and The Machine were +13, and Jordan Farmar was +9. The L.A. Pine Riders scored 36 points, grabbed 18 rebounds, dished 4 assists, stole the ball 7 times and had 2 blocked shots. But even more important than those numbers were the energy and defensive tenacity they brought (particularly Ariza, who's starting to look like as much of a steal as Pau Gasol).

The Mavericks' bench: Outside of Jerry Stackhouse, the Dallas Bench Raiders pulled a collective no-show. Most disappointing, though, was (and has been) the play of Brandon Bass, who was nearly transparent in 11 minutes. He had an assist. That's it. How does that happen? Even Jose Juan Barea had a rebound in his limited PT (four minutes). I had Bass tagged as a breakout player at best and, at worst, one of those energy/intangible players. I have no idea what happened to him.

Jason Kidd: His triple-double (16 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists) was mitigated by his 1-for-7 three-point shooting. Uh, Jas, they're leaving you open out there for a reason. I would like to point out, though, that Kidd is having a mini-renaissance this season. He's shooting a career-high 47 percent and looks much more comfortable running the Mavs' offense than he did last season. In fact, they look kind of lost without him when he's out of the game. In fact, Dallas is starting to develop one of those "Steve Nash and the Suns" sort of deals where the offense grinds to a halt when Kidd is out of the game...and there's no serviceable backup in sight.

Dirk Nowitzki: He didn't just miss a late three-pointer that could have tied the game, he launched a shot that hit nothing but air. And he was wide open. So in case you were wondering, the answer is: Dirk still cannot be trusted in clutch situations.

Dirk Nowitzki versus Pau Gasol: It was a real joy watching these to marshmallows go head-to-head. I've never witnessed a more diverse display of arm flails, pissy looks, pained expressions and verbal flops in all my years of watching basketball. The weird thing was, Gasol was getting more love from the refs. At one point, Gasol used a particularly aggressive verbal flop to draw a delayed whistle even though it looked like Dirk had slapped all ball. Meanwhile, Dirk received only four FTAs despite the fact that the Lakers were roughing him up all night.

Andrew Bynum: He got his numbers -- 11 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocked shots -- but his post game was "meh" and he had some ugly misses. But worse than that was the seeming lack of fire in his belly. He loped up and down the floor. He let Erick Dampier (12 offensive rebounds) push him around. Watching the game, I kept thinking, "Man, if this kid played with Trevor Ariza's passion, there'd be no stopping him." But I'm not sure Bynum has that passion. And he's already been extended, so you probably can't expect any Contract Year Phenomenon-style play out of him. Remember, he was supposed to be The Story of L.A.'s predicted early season success. Instead, it's been their bench.

Derek Fisher: Last night's 1-for-8 shooting performance is part of a larger trend: Fish is shooting 32 percent from the field and has yet to hit 50 percent of his shots in a game this season. It's taking all the veteran leadership he can muster to keep his spot in the rotation. That and the compromising pictures he has of Phil Jackson modeling a Native American headdress...and nothing else.

Luke Walton: Three minutes, 0-for-1, and a suck differential of +1.

Update! Sasha Vujacic: Taken out by a chest bump. Congrats, Sasha. You've supplanted Pau as the biggest wuss on the team. You must be proud. (Thanks to Jodial and the anonymous poster for the link.)


Joakim Noah: He got his first start of the season and responded with a lackluster 2-point, 8-rebound performance. More distressing than his stat line, though, was the lack of energy he brought to the floor...since, you know, he's supposed to be Chicago's energy guy and all that. I don't know if Noah's out of shape or what -- how is that even possible? -- but he did a lot of loping up and down the floor last night. And Al Horford, his old college teammate, ate his lunch (27 points, 17 rebounds).

Tyrus Thomas: In 21 minutes, he scored 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting and had almost as many turnovers (3) as rebounds (5). He also had more blocks against (3) than blocks (1). He's not shooting 28 percent on the season. Meanwhile, here's how the player the Bulls could have had is doing...

Officiating: It wasn't so much the 36-25 advantage in free throw attempts that got my attention -- the Hawks were the more aggressive team, after all -- but there was one play Zaza Pachulia received a pass and took three long steps without a dribble before laying it in. And there was a ref right there to see it. How do you blow that call? It's not like that was LeBron James or anything. It was Zaza Pachulia!

Basketbawful: Okay. I have to admit. Derrick Rose is looking pretty impressive.

Acie Law IV: Nominated by Bret of Peachtree Hoops: "-17 in just over 8 minutes of playing time, 0-1 FGA (that shot was blocked) and a personal foul. It's not his fault that Woodson too often last year played him alongside Tyronn Lue and this year alongside Flip Murray rather than letting him run pick-and-roll with the second unit but he's been impressively ineffective thus far." Hm, 1.5 PPG on 23 percent shooting and 1.5 RPG over six games. I'd say "ineffective" is being pretty generous.

Othello Hunter: He had a one trillion against the Bulls.

Mario West: His 14-second stint earned Mario his first Mario of the season. And there was much rejoicing.

Mike D'Antoni: He still can't figure out a way to stop Tim Duncan or score against the Spurs. Last night, his team scored 80 points and shot only 38 percent. I can only hope that, for D'Antoni's sake, that money does indeed buy happiness. I wouldn't know myself.

Kurt Thomas: He played almost 10 minutes and didn't grab a single rebound. Did he shrink? It's the second time this season he failed to snare a board.

Matt Bonner: He managed a 28-second Mario against the Knicks. Which, to be honest, was 28 more seconds than I thought he'd get.

The Sacramento Kings: They pressed the fourth quarter self-destruct button last night, thus squandering an early 15-point lead and missing out on the chance to reach .500 for the first time since December 4, 2006. As Reggie Theuss screamed and fumed on the sidelines, the Kings committed 5 turnovers in four minutes, which allowed the Pistons to go on a 12-6 run to ice the game. Theuss -- who yelled "NO!" during one doomed possession -- said: "None of [the turnovers] were caused by the other team. [It was] just carelessness on our part. Our guys -- give them credit -- I really felt like they outplayed (Detroit) for 42 minutes." Sadly, NBA games are still 48-minute affairs. Theuss was also upset about the free throw disparity. "Thirty-six free throws to our 17 is ridiculous. Their stars got the calls down the stretch." Mmmm. Sour grapes.

Brad Miller: Prepare to throw up in your mouth a little: Brad scored 7 points on 16 shot attempts and have five of his shots blocked. Uh, he's still seven feet tall, right? Was he shooting the ball while sitting down or something? Said Miller: "That was one of the worst games I've had since high school, college, pros, summer league...[while playing] PlayStation, [Nintendo] Wii, you name it." Well, at least he's self-aware.

Jason Maxiell: Am I missing something? I figured he was due for some extended PT and an expanded role after 'Tony McDyess got shipped to Denver. But he's played 14, 17 and 11 minutes since the trade, scoring zero, 2 and 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. He's also snatched only 7 rebounds in those three games. Is he hurt? Dying of some rare Mediterranean disease? What happened?

Rasheed Wallace: Last night's 7-point, 7-rebound, 3-for-8 shooting performance is indicative of the 2008-09 'Sheed thus far. He's currently averaging only 11.4 PPG on a career-low 39 percent shooting. In a contract year.

Kevin McHale: It looks like Kevin Love (9.6 PPG, 7.0 RPG, 1.4 APG) is going to be a solid (if unspectacular) pro. But O.J. Mayo (21 PPG, 5.0 RPG, 2.4 APG) is already an awesome pro. So, you know, wrong again, Kevin. But at least you got Antoine Walker off the payroll. So you've got that going for you.

Mark Madsen: Two minutes, 1 foul, suck differential of +1.

Big, flapping vaginas: Al Harrington missed his third straight game with a strained lower back and Corey Maggette sat out his fourth consecutive game wtih a strained left hamstring. Once again: Money well spent, Chris Mullin. Money well spent.

Kobe Bryant: He used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace the roll.

Labels: Ben Wallace, bloargh, Emeka Okafor, Kobe Bryant, Larry Brown, Mario West, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

No caption. I just love the look on Vince Carter's face.
Mike D'Antoni: Last week, I said: "I really hope that coach D'Antoni keeps playing [Brian Skinner]...but my guess is that once Grant Hill gets back, Skinner's going back into cold storage." Well, Hill came returned from organ removal last night and played 27 minutes. Skinner played five minutes. Now, I know Skinner's abilities are limited, but I tend to think the Suns need at least one player who likes to bang and do the dirty work. And nobody else is doing it.

Boris Diaw: Yeah, Diaw played well against the Lakers and Nets, but let's not pronounce him "back" just yet. Last night he shot 2-for-6 and had a team-high 4 turnovers. Yet he got 24 minutes and Brian Skinner got five. Why? You'll have to ask the coach.

Mo Williams: The Bucks starting point guard missed last night's game against the Suns due to injury. What kind of injury, you ask? A sprained left pinky finger. Seriously. Don't laugh. I once sprained my left pinky. It was terrible. Never healed right, either. Now I have a little baby arm. True story.

New Jersey Nets: Another night, another brutal beating for the joyless Nets. They've now lost seven of their last eight games. And the lone win in this latest stretch was against the Sonics, so that doesn't really count. The Nets average margin of defeat: 17 points. They were lethargic on offense and absolutely lifeless on defense (the Kings shot 57.5 percent and pounded them on the boards 41-29). All that and Vince Carter, not Jason Kidd, led the Nets in assists (he had 8). As New Jersey coach Lawrence Frank put it: "Just a dismal performance. We are simply playing very poorly."

Jason Collins: Scoreless again. And in the 10 minutes he played, he contributed nothing beyond a pair of hard fouls. But Collins wasn't the only inept New Jersey roleplayer; Josh Boon (0-for-5), Bostjan Nachbar (1-for-5), Marcus Williams (1-for-7), Jamaal Magloire (0-for-2) all sucked pretty hard, too. Another sad note is that little Darrell Armstrong (6'1") outrebounded Collins (7'0") and Magloire (6'11") 2-to-1 in oly four minutes (compared to their combined 16 minutes).

Shaq: The Big Injury out again, for at least two weeks. Speaking of Shaq, here's a look at The Big Spender's monthly expenditures: $1,500 for cable TV, $110,000 for vacations, $17,000 for clothing, $26,500 for babysitting, and $23,000 at gas stations. Man, I need to quit my job and get hired on as Shaq's nanny. That has "hit sitcom" written all over it.

Larry Brown: The former Knicks coach thinks that management had spies "throughout the arena" to keep in eye on him. Sure, Larry. Look, I know conspiracy theories are a lot of fun and all, but it didn't take a spy to see that the team sucked and your players hated you. A 90-year-old woman watching from home could have come to the same conclusion. Let it go.

Peter Vecsey: I've never really liked Peter Vecsey. He's not quite important enough to enter into the Rogue's Gallery of Basketbawful Villains, but he is a douchebag of the highest order. He's arrogant, imperious, looks like he should be managing a professional wrestler (think Jimmy Hart, but not as cool), and his "witty insults" usually sound like a bunch of nonsense (like when he said that Mike Bibby went to Wendy's to figure out why he was shooting poorly; don't ask, just read it).

But my biggest problem with Vecsey is his history of blatant inaccuracy. How many of his trade scoops* have actually happened? He spent five or six years publishing "100 percent true" trade rumors concerning Karl Malone (to the Knicks, to the Mavericks, etc.), and yet Malone was never traded. I know I make mistakes from time to time, but this is a not-for-profit blog. Hell, I may actually be operating at a loss. But Vecsey gets paid to do what he does. Shouldn't he do some fact-checking? Take this article, for instance. In it, Vecsey criticizes Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson's misuse of Mike Dunleavy Jr. prior to his trade to the Pacers. And while that's totally true, Vecsey goes on to say: "It should be noted, in 28 years of coaching some exceptionally talented teams, Nelson's brilliance has yet to shimmer on a single conference final."

*I call them "trade poops." Mostly because I think poop is funny.

There's one problem with that statement. Nelson's Milwaukee Bucks made it to the Western Confernece Finals in 1978. (Yes, the Bucks were in the Western Conference back then, along with the Bulls, Pistons, and Pacers.) The Bucks also made the Eastern Conference Finals in 1983, 1984, and 1986. Furthermore, Nellie's Dallas Mavericks went to the Western Conference Finals in 2003. Now, I'm no arithmeticologist, but I still have fingers to count on. And that looks like five conference finals appearances for Don Nelson, which is five more than the zero Vecsey claimed. So Peter, next time you feel the need to bust on somebody, could you at least make sure you know what the hell you're talking about first? Thanks.

George Bush: According to a new study conducted by two nonprofit journalism organizations, George Bush and top administration officials "issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks." Furthermore, the study "counted 935 false statements in the two-year period. It found that in speeches, briefings, interviews and other venues, Bush and administration officials stated unequivocally on at least 532 occasions that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or was trying to produce or obtain them or had links to al-Qaida or both." Turns out none of that was true? Really?! That's one seriously cutting edge study. Anyway, you know you're a big, lying jerk when a bunch of poorly paid journalists spend a few years tabulating your lies for free.

Yi says: "NBA action really is FAN-tastic!"

Labels: Boris Diaw, George Bush, Jason Collins, Larry Brown, Mike D'Antoni, New Jersey Nets, Peter Vecsey, Shaq