I don't think this is what Gregg Popovich meant when he said he wanted some nasty.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: After the Spurs imposed their will on the Thunder in Game 1 -- especially over the final 12 minutes -- Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks was shelled by bloggers and media experts for not giving Serge Ibaka enough fourth quarter burn. Well, Serge logged a fat 39 minutes last night, and the Thunder looked even more helplessly overmatched by a Spurs team that apparently has no flaws. Unless you count Tiago Splitter's haircut. And you should.

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Matt Bonner, Oklahoma City Thunder, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

No KD, that's the wrong ball. It's over, just...look, you're making this hard on both of us...

Kevin Durant's acne: Good morning readers of Basketbawful! We started off the night with some excellent close-up KD interview acne....bleegh. Eh, the ESPN pre-game is crap anyways, I'm turning it off until 9.

But I couldn't resist hearing what "bold predictions" would be made tonight:

Magic: KD 50 in a loss
JB: J.J. with 25-8 in DAL win
Wilbon: OKC win tonight

Sadly, it was obvious that JB made the most reasonable guess. And so it was.


The Chokelehoma City Blunder: Here we go again. Up by 7, 5 minutes to go, close out by getting out-scored by 17-6. How did this happen? Again?

The game started ugly, with Dirk's failed attempt at Kevin Love Outlet, and for the whole game Dallas was TERRIBLE at recognizing Nick Collison on the baseline just outside the paint. But the tide first changed with yet another Harden flop attempt. Only this time, the home crowd did not buy it at all, and neither did the refs.

(video?)

But that didn't stop the refs from sucking in general. Poor Dirk, up until the first minutes of the 4th, was getting hammered harder inside than Tori Black. Didn't the refs get the memo that the 2006 rematch hasn't officially started yet? In related news, Nick Collison set an NBA single game record with 9 personal fouls.

Yet thus is the value of experience, and Dirk yet again did his thing. More on this later. Marion put on a throwback defensive performance, and hell even his floater makes and 4 ft misses brought me some nostalgia of his Suns days. Okay back to Dirk. Check out how he ended the 3rd:

Dirk "German Doctor J" Nowitzki.

Mark Jackson, quote machine: "No disrespect, but I'm gonna disrespect Chandler!"


Jeff Van Gundy, quote machine: "Brendan Haywood is stroking it!"

Really though, would you even believe me if I told you that Brendan Haywood sinking free throws helped keep the Mavs afloat?


Russell "please don't start calling him by the nickname Mark Jackson made up 'Wild Thing'" Westbrook: Granted, the OKC choke was more evenly distributed tonight, but it seems only fair to start with Westbrook. Starting with that terrible play in the third, when dribbling it up the court on the sideline with Jason Terry defending. I think a whistle was blown almost simultaneously as Terry tried to reach in for the steal, but Westbrook just lost it and elbowed Terry directly into referee Monty McCutchen. You could see him visibly stunned and pausing for a second, like "wait, aren't I supposed to be giving you the benefit of the doubt on these whistles? Sorry bro, I gotta T that, because that was completely dumb". Westbrook finished with a Heroic Kobeian 31 points on 11-28 shooting.


Oklahoma in the last 5 minutes: Let's look at the numbers: 6 PTS, 2-10 FG, 2-2 FT, 9 REB, 7 TO (including a double dribble!), 6 PF (only 1 intentional). And although they got some good rebounds, they also gave up some terrible ones, including giving Dirk a second chance to try another wide open 3, which had a 107.12% chance of going in based on my calculations. And the terrible rebound that led to a Marion essentially-go-ahead fast break dunk, only Marion is Marion and kinda awkwardly bumbled and decelerated, allowing Durant to catch up and foul him while having no chance at preventing the score. Just wow.


Oh and Westbrook left the court early, which is kinda becoming no longer faux pas to do. Or the media will bring it up and compare it to the Pistons or LeBron or whoever doing it, which is giving him way too much credit. Or some other shit I don't really care.


Doris Burke, quote machine: "Mark [Cuban], if it's possible to be conspicuously inconspicuous, while there are no complaints out of New York, you have been remarkably quiet. Why?"


The Dallas Mavericks: For leaving behind the trophy, leading to Jason Terry awkwardly walking back out to the court to pick it up. But props on everyone walking away from Doris Burke at the end, prompting her to display the most emotion she's ever expressed, wondering why everyone was abandoning her.


Scott Brooks post-game press conference: Wanted to get the fuck out of there (and did so)


Kevin Durant post-game press conference: First words: "What up."

And did someone actually ask him how he felt about Dirk getting back to the Finals? I can't even joke about this ironically, because I know someone will twist this sound clip negatively against KD.

Harden was there sporting a backpack too, (DOUBLE BACKPACK, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!), and was probably only there in the first place because Westbrook was being "u mad" on the team bus. But more on the backpack. What a terrible collage of colors. The Durant bag is simple and conveniently functional, the Harden bag was just trying too hard. May this press conference be the harbinger (including the reason for Westbrook's absence) for OKC's over-hyped future.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm gonna miss the backpacks. Please don't use HGH in the offseason, Durant.


The Los Angeles Lakers: LOS ANGELES (AP) --In the boldest move big business has seen since Domino's adopted their Maoist self-criticism marketing strategy, the Los Angeles Lakers have signed Mike Brown as their head coach in a 4 year $18 million deal. Sadly, there's no improved spices on the crust of this deal, however legions of Celtics, Spurs, Jazz and Pacific Division fans have taken to the streets in jubilation upon hearing this news, some crying with palms upwards towards the sky.

"It's a miracle," proclaims one Phoenix resident. "The second coming; it's glorious. We're all saved."

Ticket sales for Lakers away games have skyrocketted across the nation (and Toronto I guess), as people want to get a first glimpse of this historic moment. Meanwhile, discussions and general anxiety have rapidly spread, as the rate of Twitter tweets and blog posts from greater Los Angeles area IP addresses has increased tenfold over the past 24 hours.

"Yea, that Campang guy was right, this is pretty much the rapture," one fan bemoans outside of Staples Center, his Kobe 8 home jersey swaying listfully in the smog as he uses his smartphone to update his Facebook status on a network he thinks is 4G because 4G is in the name but is actually far slower than the real 4G standard specifies. A small group of self-proclaimed "real Lakers faithful" have gathered in front of the stadium with signs of protest against the decision. Other vocal fans seem to have quickly moved into their acceptance stage of grief.

"Well I mean, his record isn't THAT bad, and he led LeBron and the crappy crap Cavs to like, 69 wins and a bunch of Finals and stuff, and he can fix the Lakers's defensive problems!" posts an anonymous fan on some forum. Sources say a few tried to "white knight" for the relatively reasonable poster before being overwhelmed by requests to STFU.

Mike Brown could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy spouting metaphors on ESPN's half-time show, and developing a game plan to not have Kobe hate him within 24 hours.

Former Lakers head coach Phil Jackson could not be reached for comment, although we think we heard him snickering and choking on his own spittle before hanging up his cell.


Novak Djokovic's opponents: Play the entire game assholes, there's already enough accusations of throwing matches in tennis as it is.


Lay's Lightly Salted Chips: Curse your magic, making me type with one hand until I finished consuming you! You're not even that delicious, why can't I stop...


Marriage: One word - Humpdashian.


-AnacondaHL

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, I freaking hate the Lakers, LOL, Mike Brown, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook

If this is "homecourt advantage," no wonder Thunder lost.
The Oklahoma City Thunder: With five minutes and five seconds left in the fourth quarter, Kevin Durant drilled a three-pointer to put the Thunder up 99-84. The 15-point bulge was Oklahoma City's biggest lead of the night. Durant's triple seemed like a knockout blow and Dallas coach Rick Carlisle immediately called a timeout to rally his troops.

But, c'mon, seriously. The Oklahoma City Arena was going bonkers. The Thunder had all the momentum. And, anyway, the Mavericks had accomplished their goal in Game3: They had stolen a road game and reclaimed homecourt advantage. It was time to pack their bags and try to get back to it at home in Game 5. Right?

Said Brendan Haywood: "You're lying if you're not surprised. Down 15 with 5 minutes to play you're thinking hopefully something can happen. You're just kind of wishing."

Wishing, huh? Well, somebody on the Dallas roster must have rubbed a genie the right way or something, because the Mavericks closed out the fourth with a 17-2 run to force overtime.

Let's check out OKC's "offense" during that final five minutes of fail: Russell Westbrook missed three; Serge Ibaka missed 6-footer; Westbrook missed 17-footer; Westbrook turnver and foul on Jason Kidd (giving Kidd two free throws); Durant missed 22-footer; Durant missed three; Nick Collison offensive rebound; Westbrook made two-pointer; Westbrook 0-for-2 at the line; Westbrook missed 15-footer; Durant turnover; Westbrook missed 16-footer; Westbrook loose ball foul (giving Shawn Marion two free throws); Thabo Sefolosha missed three-pointer; Durant missed desperation three from 30 feet (blocked by Marion at the buzzer).


As Chuck Barkley would say: TURRIBLE.

Things didn't improve much for the Thunder during the five-minute overtime period. Here's their "offense" in OT: Durant missed three; Sefolosha made jumper; Westbrook missed three; Westbrook turnover (stepped out of bounds); Ibaka made 17-footer; Durant turnover; Westbrook missed jumper; Durant missed desperation three; Durant missed desperation three.

Again: TURRIBLE.

Make it a total of 6 points over the final 10 minutes and five seconds of playing time in this game. At home. With a playoff series on the line.

According to ESPN Stats and Information: "The Mavericks are the only team in the last 15 seasons to win a playoff game in which it trailed by 15 or more points with 5 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter."

Said Jason Terry: "There's times and situations where they are going to test the courage and the mental inner strength of your team. This was one of those times. This was a defining moment in our season where we look back and say, 'Hey, that was the game.'"

Meanwhile, when the Thunder look back on their season, this will probably be the defining moment where they look back and say, "Hey, that was the game where we blew our chance to go to the NBA Finals."

Bummer.

Said Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks: "There's no doubt it was a tough loss. If this loss did not hurt, there's no such thing as a loss that can hurt you. ... It goes without saying that it was a tough loss to accept, but it is a loss and we have to learn from it. I thought our guys played as hard a basketball game as you can play. They were physical, we challenged shots, we struggled a little bit down the stretch with execution and throughout the game we struggled with turnovers."

No kidding.

Oklahoma City's ball-handling: The Thunder gave up 26 points off 26 turnovers, offsetting hefty advantages in rebounds (55-33), points in the paint (54-36) and fast break points (19-6).

Kevin Durant's butter fingers: KD committed 9 of his team's 26 bumblefucks, including what may have been the biggest of the game. With 1:01 left in OT and the score tied at 101-101, J-Kidd stripped Durant as he was going up for a shot. On the other end, Kidd pump-faked Westbrook out of his shorts and then nailed a three with 40.3 seconds left. And that was pretty much the ball game.


Man, for a dude who can't shoot worth a damn, Kidd hits some big shots.

Speaking of threes...

Oklahoma City's three-point shooting: The Thunder had a historically bawful night from beyond the arc in Game 3, going 1-for-17, thanks largely to Durant's 0-for-8 festival of clank. Things didn't get much better in Game 4 as OKC went 2-for-13. KD hit the only two triples his team made. He also missed five others. But, in all fairness to him, three were desperation shots.

James Harden: He fouled out in only 23 minutes of PT. And his absence might have cost the Thunder the game. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

As mentioned the Thunder were outscored by 15 points in the final minutes of regulation, and a lot of that was because their offense changed drastically when James Harden fouled out at the 4:48 mark. Prior to Harden fouling out, the Thunder focused their offensive attention on the inside game. After Harden fouled out, though, the Thunder settled for long-range shots, missing their only two field goal attempts inside of 15 feet in the last nine minutes and 48 seconds of the game.

The Thunder's lackluster offense without Harden was also exposed in the pick-and-roll game. The Thunder ran 25 pick-and-roll plays prior to Harden fouling out but ran just two afterward. The transition offense also stalled, with the Thunder picking up 17 points on 14 transition plays prior to Harden fouling out. Afterward, the Thunder failed to score on their only transition play. This postseason, Harden has scored the eighth most points as a pick-and-roll ball handler and the sixth most transition points.

Best of the Night: Dirk Nowitzki: More from ESPN Stats and Info:

A huge part of the Mavericks comeback was Dirk Nowitzki who finished with his second 40-point game this postseason (both this series) and seventh of his career. After shooting 60.0 percent from the field in Game 4 and 80.0 percent in Game 1, the Elias Sports Bureau tells us that Nowitzki is the first player to record two games with 40 points while shooting at least 60.0 percent from the floor in the same playoff series since Shaquille O'Neal had a pair of games like that for the Los Angels Lakers in the 2000 Finals against the Indiana Pacers. For his playoff career, Nowitzki is 10-1 when he scores more than 35 points with his only loss coming in a 42-point performance in 2001 against the San Antonio Spurs.

Oh and if that's not enough, Nowtizki is 48-for-50 from the free throw line this postseason including the two clutch game-tying free throws he drained with six seconds left in regulation of Monday’s win.

Give Dirk his props. Dude is awesome.

Dirk: "Fuck you, Physics."
Jason Kidd's matador defense: Why even put a hand out there, Jason?


Kevin Durant, quote machine: "It's not over."

No it's not. It will be after Game 5, but it's not over yet.

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Report: Daequan Cook baked a gold brick worth 5.6 trillion (5:38).

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder

James Harden's flop: All I can say is: Wow.


Okay, "wow" isn't really all I can say. If there was such a thing as basketball prison, and players were sentenced to it for crimes against the sport, I would want Harden serving a life sentence with no chance for parole.

It wasn't just the flop, mind you, it was the "OH MY GOD NOT MY FACE!" reaction that went along with it. There's selling a flop, there's overselling a flop, and there's pretending someone shot you in the head. Too much, James. Too much.

The worst part was that Tyson Chandler received a technical foul for arguing the call. The league actually showed some wisdom by rescinding the tech. But damn, people. It never should have come to that. And Harden's flop-a-rooni started an 8-0 run that pulled the Thunder to within 65-52, which was the closest they'd been since the end of the first quarter.

Which brings me to...

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Playing at home with a chance to take complete control of the series, the Thunder forced Dirk Nowitzki (7-for-21) and Jason Terry (3-for-12) into bad shooting games. Ditto for Jason Kidd (4-for-10) and Peja Stojakovic (3-for-7). In all, the Mavs shot 43.9 percent and went only 7-for-21 from downtown. They also lost the rebounding battle 45-37 and had a 36-18 disadvantage in free throw attempts.

Dallas also led by as many as 23 points and held on down the stretch for a 93-87 win. Thanks to a team-wide offensive pants-wetting by Oklahoma City.

The Thunder shot 36.5 percent as a team and went 1-for-17 on threes. That is not a misprint. According to ESPN Stats and Information, OKC tied for the second-worst three-point percentage in a playoff game in the last 20 years (5.9 percent), trailing only the 2005 Mavericks, who shot 5.6 percent (1-for-18) in a 119-102 loss to the Phoenix Suns. You know, back when the Suns were relevant and Steve Nash was the MVP.

*sob*

Anyway, Kevin Durant bricked his way to a 7-for-22 night and Russell Westbrook went 8-for-20 and committed 7 turnovers. And you know what? Westbrook has me totally confused. I can't tell if he's Oklahoma City's best player or their worst nightmare. Is he keeping them in games or shooting the Thunder out of them? I have no idea at this point.

Maybe it's a little of Column A, a little of Column C.

On the subject, courtesy of AnacondaHL, a "flawed yet interesting take on why Eric Maynor should be point over Westbrook."


So now let's backtrack to that "since the end of the first quarter" reference I made in the entry for Harden's flop. Oklahoma City got outscored 27-12 in the first 12 minutes, and that pretty much defined the game. According to ESPN Stats and Information, "they turned the ball over 7 times and made just 4-17 from the field. The Mavericks meanwhile assisted on 8 of their 12 made FG."

Bad D. Bad O. Bad everything.

Said Durant: "Frustrating. It's tough to start a game, not make shots and you give teams easy baskets. That's like a backbreaker."

Added Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "There's no question they started the game really hitting us and knocking us out of our offense. And we missed a lot of 3s. Those 3s weren't all contested."

Sometimes you’re hitting. Sometimes your not. On Saturday, the Thunder were not. It wasn't just three-pointers, either. According to Hoopdata, OKC went 4-for-9 from 3-9 feet, 3-for-10 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-9 from 16-23 feet. And they missed 13 of their 29 attempts at the rim.

Bonus video: More adventures in officiating courtesy of Refcalls:


The Chicago Bulls: I didn't think it would be Chris Bosh.

He was the Ringo of these "Heetles," right? The oft-criticized, occasionally forgotten third wheel. The butt of all the "Two and a Half Men" jokes that swirled around Miami this season. The Boshtrich. The guy who went 1-for-18 against the Bulls during what's turning out to be an utterly meaningless regular season game.

I didn't think it would be Chris Bosh.

I just didn't think he would be the Heat player beating the Bulls.

Bosh scored 34 points on 18 field goal attempts.

According to Hoopdata, e went 5-for-6 at the rim, 2-for-2 from 3-9 feet, 1-for-1 from 10-15 feet and 5-for-9 from 16-23 feet.

He hit open shots.

He hit contested shots.

After starting the game 0-for-3, he went 13-for-15.

Bosh also earned more foul shots (10) than LeBron James (9), Dwyane Wade (6) or Derrick Rose (3).

And he knocked down eight of them.


Chicago's defense was designed to slow down the scoring exploits of LeBron (6-for-13) and D-Wade (6-for-17). That mission was accomplished. But Bosh's frightening accuracy from everywhere on the floor stretched that D to its breaking point. It allowed James to drive, draw the double team, and kick the ball out. Six of LeBron's game-high 10 assists were dished to Bosh and Wade...four of them to Bosh.

That's the value of Miami's three-star system.

How can you possibly guard all three of them on every possession? The answer, it's turning out, is that you can't. Bosh now has two 30-point outbursts in three playoff games against the Bulls. And in the one game he didn't go for 30, James and Wade had big scoring games.

It's hard not to compare LeBron's floor game and assist totals to that of Derrick Rose. Of course, when Rose tried to run the pick and roll with Joakim Noah, the Heat defense stuck to Rose like it was made of Velcro. That's because Noah is no threat to score. Last night, Jo finished with a single point on 0-for-4 shooting.

Speaking of which...

Joakim Noah: Let's put it this way: Noah finished the game with more alleged gay slurs than field goals.


Oh, man. Listen to Grant Hill and think before you speak, Joakim!

Back to the game, Noah has never been a primary or even secondary scoring threat. The Bulls count on him to rip down rebounds and make an impact on defense. Only he didn't do either last night. Not even close. Jo totaled a mere 5 rebounds, only one of which came on the offensive end, when he missed a tip shot.

And he was the unfortunate victim of several Bosh jumpers.

Noah finished with five fouls. He committed three of them trying -- and failing -- to stop Bosh. He couldn't even slow Bosh down. That wasn't just a hiccup in the game plan. It blew the game plan to hell.

Said Noah: "We didn't finish well at the rim. I feel like I could definitely do a better job on the boards, and I need to finish better. I'm really disappointed in myself with the way I played tonight."

You can tell Noah is frustrated. You can also tell he's lost all faith in that little 15-footer he had developed before his thumb surgery. Now, when left unguarded with the ball on the outside, Noah looks like he's holding the world's hottest potato. He can't get rid of that thing fast enough.

Juxtapose Noah's fear of getting the rock outside the paint with Udonis Haslem's confidence. Haslem went 4-for-5 from the field in the second half, which included jumpers from 15, 16 and 18 feet. Haslem's ability to hit those shots opened up the floor for James to drive and kick, drive and kick, drive and score.

Back to the Bulls... The Bulls aren't opening similar lanes for Rose. Carlos Boozer finally made a jail break -- 26 points, 10-for-12 at the line, 17 rebounds -- but Deng went 2-for-7 when he wasn't shooting from point blank range. Keith Bogans hit one and missed two. Ronnie Brewer was 2-for-6 and hasn't earned any respect for his jump shot. Kyle Korver attempted only two field goals in 11 minutes. Omer Asik -- who's less of a threat to score than anyone else on this team -- went 0-for-3 before leaving with a leg injury.

In short, the Bulls couldn't stop Miami's Big Three -- who scored 73 of the Heat's 96 points -- and couldn't get anything consistent out of their offense outside of Boozer. Haslem, Mike Bibby (2-for-4 on threes) and Mario Chalmers (2-for-3) spaced the floor just enough for their superstar teammates to go where they wanted to go.

Chicago won the rebounding battle (41-32) and outscored Miami in the paint (36-31), but the Heat nearly 51 percent from the field and went an outrageous 10-for-19 from 16-23 feet (52.7 percent). That can't happen.

Said Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau: "They're making shots. We have to get up and challenge their shots better. We have to finish our defense. The rebounding was good. Challenging their shots wasn't."

I guess. Although there were a couple times Noah's hand was so far up in Bosh's face he could have wiped Bosh's nose, but Miami's big man knocked the shots down anyway. What more can Noah do to challenge? Hit Bosh with a brick?

Shouldn't be a problem. The Bulls have plenty of bricks to go around.

Kyle Korver: This was just...embarrassing. All I can say.


Chris' Weekend Playoff Lacktion Ledger:

Mavs-Thunder: Eric Maynor bricked once and lost the rock once as well for a +2 in 5:54, while Daequan Cook baked two bricks from...uh...Bricktown and fouled thricely for a +5 in 14:03.

Bulls-Heat: Gee, Mr. Joakim Noah, the fact you are in the lacktion report probably means you didn't help the moo machine beat out South Beach.

In 29:04 as starting big man, five boards and six assists were negated by four bricks, two turnovers, and five fouls for a 7:6 Voskuhl. yikes.

Omer Asik also represented the windy city well with two fouls countering a board in 15:21 for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Meanwhile, Miami's Mike Miller fouled and bricked twice each (once from...uh...Brickell) and lost the rock once in 12:54 for a celebratory +5 suck differential.

Labels: 2011 NBA Playoffs, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, James Harden, Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Try to sedate your brain and consider the following: The Thunder finished last night's game with an Offensive Rebound Rate of 30.6, an Effective Field Goal Percentage of 52.1, a Free Throw Rate of 59.7 and an Offensive Efficiency of 120.4...and they lost the game.

Or maybe it's more accurate to say the Mavericks won it. And they sure didn't do it by stopping Oklahoma City. Dallas scored with the kind of efficiency that must have had John Hollinger biting his lip and silently caressing his calculator.

The Mavs shot 53.3 percent from the field -- including 9-for-23 from downtown -- and converted 34 of their 36 free throw attempts (94.5 percent). That gave them an eFG% of 59.6 and allowed them to score 130.1 points per 100 possessions.

With all due respect to Jason Terry (24 points, 8-for-16), J.J. Barea (21 points, 8-for-12) and Jason Kidd (11 assists), this one was all about Dirk Nowitzki.

From ESPN Stats and Information:

Dirk Nowitzki scored 48 points, his sixth career 40-point playoff game, finishing two points shy of his playoff career-high.

Among active players, only Shaquille O'Neal (12), Kobe Bryant (11) and LeBron James (nine) have more career 40-point playoff games.

Nowitzki set an NBA record by going 24-for-24 from the free throw line, the most free throws made in a single game without a miss -- regular season or postseason.

He drew fouls from seven different Thunder defenders, including all five of Serge Ibaka's. Dirk went 7-for-9 when guarded by Ibaka, including 6-for-8 on post-up plays.

Combining field goal attempts and free throw attempts, the ball left Dirk Nowitzki's hand 39 times tonight; 36 of those times, it went in the hoop.

Nowitzki attempted just 15 shots, the second-fewest field goal attempts in a 40-point playoff game in NBA history.

Only Terry Porter, back in 1992 for the Portland Trail Blazers, needed fewer attempts (41 points on 14 attempts) to reach the 40-point plateau. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, his field-goal percentage of 80.0 is tied for the highest ever in a Conference finals game (minimum 15 FGA).

I think Luc Richard Mbah a Moute needs to rewrite his scouting report to read simply: HIDE YOUR WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND ALL YOUR VALUABLES. YOU CANNOT STOP DIRK NOWITZKI.

Seriously, Mbah a Moute said: "Dirk is a shooter, that's what he does. That's his game. So when you have a guy who shoots, you can contest his shots, you can body him up and you can take him out of his shots making it tough for him to get in a rhythm. ... You want a player like Dirk to drive all night. You want to give him the drive and make sure the help comes or try to take a charge."

Well, the Thunder took that advice to heart, and they made Dirk drive. The end result was that record-setting night at the foul line. When he wasn't doing stuff like this that is:

SCOUTING REPORT FAIL.
Said Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks: "I thought we defended him as close as we can -- obviously, too close."

Obviously. Think about this: Nowitzki scored 48 points on 15 shots.

According to Dirk, he spent the nine-day break between sweeping the Fakers and starting the Western Conference Finals engaging in late-night shooting sessions. I'm sure he wanted to add something like "and the voodoo rites necessary to make it so I never miss another shot ever again." What? Nowitzki only went 12-for-15 from the field, you say? I'm sure he realized he'd have to miss a few shots now and then just so people wouldn't realize dark magic was involved. Probably decided that while he was washing the pig's blood off his ceremonial wizard's robe.

Said Nowitzki: "I was really looking to shoot early and was able to get my rhythm after the first couple of shots. I kept attacking and my teammates kept feeding me and feeding me and I was able to take advantage over some smaller players."

Kevin Durant -- whose 40-point, 8-rebound, 4-assist, 2-block night was completely overshadowed by what Dirk did -- said: "We can't get discouraged. He's going to make shots. He's going to make off-balanced shots with a hand in his face."

Added Ibaka: "He was hot. It's tough. You can't get frustrated. I'll watch film and we'll come back the next game."

I'm not sure Ibaka really wants to review that film. It would be like watching a home video of your own violent murder. Then Ibaka will realize he was a ghost the whole time, Sixth Sense-style. Actually, you know, that would explain a lot about his defense last night.

Memo to the Thunder: Smacking Dirk around the way you did to Zach Randolph might not work in this series. Not when he shoots free throws like this:


Said Durant: "After playing a physical series with Memphis, I think we were a little too physical with him. We have to make adjustments, be smarter. It's a learning experience, just feeling it out and seeing how we're going to play."

Russell Westbrook: Westbrook was aggressive looking for his shot and getting to the free throw line. The good news is that he went 14-for-18 at the charity stripe. The bad news is that he went missed 10 of his first 11 field goal attempts and ultimately ended up 3-for-15. And, as the AP recap pointed out, "Despite his poor aim, he had taken more shots than Durant at one point late in the third quarter, fueling the critics who say he's too much of a scorer and not enough of a distributor."

What? Because he attempted 15 shots and 18 free throws while finishing with more turnovers (4) than assists (3) despite playing with one of the league's most prolific scoring machines, who was on his way to scoring 40 points on 10-for-18 from the field and 18-for-19 at the line? Are those critics really suggesting he should have been feeding Durant instead of looking to score?

Said Brooks: "He was attacking the basket. That's what we want Russell to do."

I bet. Especially when he shoots 1-for-6 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-1 from 10-15 feet and 0-for-3 from 16-23 feet. At least he didn't jack up any threes.

Kendrick Perkins: Okay. It's official. I'm sick of Perk's tough guy act. Exactly one minute and 11 seconds into the game, he grabbed Tyson Chandler's arm while they were jockeying for position under the hoop, and then he got in Chandler's face after Durant knocked down a 15-footer. For some bizarre reason, the official called a double technical even though, as far as I could tell, Chandler didn't do anything other than stand there looking sour.

Exactly two minutes later, again while they were establishing position under the basket, Perkins basically brought his elbow through Chandler's head. It wasn't a swing so much as a push, but the refs caught this one and Perk was whistled for his second personal and had to go to the bench.

Kendrick didn't commit another foul, but he ended up logging only 28 minutes, during which the Thunder were outscored by 14 points. And yes, in case you were wondering, Perk did in fact have the worst plus-minus score of the game.

Peja Stojakovic: Peja is a shooter. He's there to shoot. Which he did, squeezing off eight shots in 21 minutes, six of which were three-point attempts. He hit exactly one of those shots. Man, it feels like 2002 all over again, doesn't it?

The Dallas D: Do you realize that, if you subtract Westbrook's 3-for-15 brick-a-palooza, the Thunder shot 54 percent from the field? The other starters were on fire: Durant (10-for-18), Ibaka (7-for-11), Perkins (3-for-4), Sefolosha (2-for-2). Oklahoma City went to the line 43 times and shot 43.8 percent from beyond the arc. Oh, and they had 22 fast break points.

If Dirk hadn't been so legendary, this game really might have swung the other way.

Dirk Nowitzki, poster boy: It wasn't all violins and roses for Dirk.


Kevin Durant's post-game fashion statement: Was he on his way to his sixth grade yearbook photo shoot or something?


Magic Johnson, quote machine: This one was submitted by Will R. of Two Middles Up. Here's Magic on Dirk's performance: "He might have three legs tonight the way he was shootin'!"

No, really. Here's video:


The Human Heat-ipede: My buddy Gauvin is a surgery nurse and recently watched The Human Centipede out of professional curiosity. His curiosity quickly turned to horror and the nearly unstoppable urge to barf. Which, of course, translated into the need to tell all his friends about the movie in exacting detail. In case you don't know about it -- and I'm not sure how any regular Internet users could have at this point -- here's a one-sentence summary: A mad doctor kidnaps three people and sews them together ass-to-mouth to create a human centipede.

This Deadspin link was provided by reader inkybreath at my By The Horns blog. Apparently, some guys made the following poster for Game 1 of the Heat-Bulls series. Security didn't let them into the United Center, unfortunately, but no amount of security could keep it off the Internet.


The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let the conspiracy theories begin:

The Minnesota Timberwolves have had the worst history of any team in the NBA Draft Lottery.

Despite finishing in the lottery in 14 of their 22 seasons, the Minnesota Timberwolves have never had the No. 1 draft pick.

In fact, after losing out on the first pick to the Cleveland Cavaliers last night, this will be the first time they've even had the No. 2 pick

The Wolves have had zero luck. In the 14 years they've been in the lottery, they have never moved up and 8 times they've moved down.

In 1992, they had the league's worst record and ended up at No. 3. Picks One and Two were Shaquille O'Neal and Alonzo Mourning

GM David Kahn said what everyone was thinking after Cavs owner Dan Gilbert sent his 14-year-old son (who has a rare nerve disorder) to represent Cleveland.

"This league has a habit, and I am just going to say habit, of producing some pretty incredible story lines," said Kahn. "As soon as the 14-year-old kid joined us, we were toast."

We assume he's only (half) joking? Though more than a few NBA fans are still convinced that the Knicks didn't win the very first Lottery (and Patrick Ewing) on an entirely fair draw.

The Los Angeles Clippers: But wait. There's more:

The worst part is that the Cavs, who were stabbed in the heart by LeBron James last summer, didn't even win with their own pick. (As the second worst team, they had has a 19% chance of nabbing No. 1 overall.) They won with a Clippers pick that they got in a trade ... that had a 2.8% chance of winning. Cleveland now has two of the top 4 picks.

Ah, the Clippers. No matter what happens, no matter the circumstances, they are and always will be who we thought they were. On the bright side, they got Mo Williams and Jamario Moon in the trade that sent that pick to Cleveland...

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Ledger: Nate Robinson obeyed his thirst for lacktivity by bricking thricely in 5:41 (twice from the JPMorgan Chase Tower) and taking a rejection for a +4!

Labels: 2011 NBA Playoffs, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook, Worst of the Night

Editor's note: The top pic was created by The Big Nowitzki and sent to me by Shayan Mannan of Sports Haze. Evil Ted will be writing about the Celtics game.

The Los Angeles Lakers: You know what? In hindsight, the most shocking part about what just happened to the Lakers is how not shocking it should have been. L.A.'s season was a mishmash of up-and-down play. At times, they looked unstoppable. Other times, they looked helpless and lost. But their fans never quite lost that air of cocky arrogance and the non-fans never felt totally comfortable predicting the collapse that seemed inevitable. The Lakers had, after all, turned it on before.

But not this time.

The talent was there. No question about it. But something vital was missing and we may never know exactly what it was. Chemistry? That seems impossible given that the core group of back-to-back championship teams remained intact. Motivation? That doesn't feel quite right. The Lakers wanted to win.

I guess maybe it was desire. I can't presume to know what was going on inside their hearts, but this Lakers team felt different than the squads who won the last two league titles. Two seasons ago, they played pissed off after the way the Celtics had manhandled them in the 2008 NBA Finals. Last year, they played with a chip on their shoulder, because they still seemed to feel they had something to prove.

I never felt that this season. They played well in stretches but never inspired. At least, that's what it looked like from the outside. I think Kobe sensed it. I think that's why, after the Lakers lost to the Heat in Miami, he pulled that crazy "I'm going to shoot around until they kick me out of the arena" stunt. Kobe's a control freak. That's a large part of what's made him great. He could see the Lakers weren't competing the way they needed to if they wanted to defend their title. So Kobe controlled what he could control: His own maniacal effort.

Only that never inspired his teammates. No amount of ribbing in practice or public, no black swan / white swan comparisons, nothing lit a fire under the other Lakers. Basically, they lost the eye of the tiger.

Man, did they lose it.

I've always been a card carrying Lakers Hater. I wanted them to lose. I didn't want them to match the Celtics championship total. I didn't want Kobe to get his sixth ring or Phil Jackson to close out his career with a fourth three-peat. I wanted the Lakers to fail.

But like this? Swept. Demolished in Game 4. Meeting defeat in shame -- with cheap shots and elbows -- rather than facing it with dignity.

Look, I hate the Lakers, but I also respected them. They were champions. But, when the walls came tumbling down, they stopped acting like champions. They gave up in Game 4. They quit. They abandoned all the principles that won them back-to-back titles and started acting like a bunch of common thugs. For example:


And, not long after, this happened:


This fall from grace was about as graceless as it gets. It got to the point where Pau Gasol had to address Internet rumors about his personal life, while Jackson was forced to explain why he was smacking Pau in the chest during timeouts and had to resort to bitching about the officials. Kobe wondered out loud whether he was sick in the head for thinking his team could still win the series. Turns out, his teammates were just sick in the heart.

I mean, Andrew Bynum's post-ejection tearing off of his jersey while being escorted by the locker room by Ron Artest -- who himself had been suspended for Game 3 because he pulled a cheap shot on the same guy Bynum whacked -- was the lowest of the low moments of this series.

Championships are won. They aren't handed out because you're the best team on paper. The Lakers learned that lesson in 2008 and went on to win two titles in a row. I'm not sure what happened. Maybe Men in Black showed up and gave them a group mind wipe. "What you experienced wasn't back-to-back championships. It was swamp gas."

Bad form, Lakers. Bad form.

But you know what? A low moment for the Lakers was a high point for the Mavericks. Faily or unfairly, they have spent the past several seasons fighting a quiet war against accusations of being soft and mentally fragile. Well, they blew all those accusations to smithereens during this series. Sweet redemption after years of bitter torment. It kind of reminds me of when Phoenix swept the Spurs in the second round last year. Of course, we know how that turned out. Hopefully, the Mavs will have a better fate.

Possibly the strangest facepalm ever...
...but this is more like it.
Ron Artest, Dunk Master: Oh. My.


Kobe Byrant, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Charles Y:


Experts: More fail from stephanie g:


The Chicago Bulls: The Bullies won Game 3 thanks to an all-out attack by Derrick Rose: 44 points (a career-high), 16-for-27 from the field, 4-for-7 from downtown, 8-for-9 at the line, 7 assists, 5 rebounds, a steal and a block. And as ESPN Stats and Information noted: "One of the more impressive aspects of Rose's performance was that he was scoring from everywhere. He scored 12 points in the paint, 12 from three-point range, and 12 from mid-range, adding eight points at the free throw line."

Rose was undeniably awesome in nearly every sense of the word. But the Bulls also dominated the glass, pulling down 18 offensive rebounds, and got great production out of their bench. And blowing out the Hawks in Atlanta just felt right.

But the performance was not repeated in Game 4. So...what happened?

For starters, Chicago's interior defense was poor. The Hawks went 22-for-34 (64.8 percent) at the rim and outscored the Bulls 56-40 in the paint. Horford was 6-for-6 at the rim. Joe Johnson was 3-for-3. Jason Collins was 2-for-2. Crawford 1-for-1. Teague was 4-for-6. Smith was 6-for-11.

Teams don't earn many wins by giving up that many good looks around the basket.

They also got shot down by Johnson (24 points, 9-for-14, 3-for-5 on threes) and picked apart by Smith (23 points, 16 rebounds, 8 assists). Smith didn’t shoot well (8-for-22), but he got to the line (7-for-9) and created extra offense though his passing and work on the offensive glass (5 offensive boards).

Overall, Chicago's defense simply wasn't that good. Atlanta finished with an Offensive Efficiency of 108.7. That’s too high for a team that relies on defense to win. Speaking of which...let's talk about their offense.

Rose finished with game highs in points (34), assists (10), free throw attempts (11) and shot attempts (32). It's that last stat that worries me. Especially considering the rest of the starting unit combined for two fewer shots than Rose took.

It's tempting to think the shot distribution wouldn't have been a big of a deal if Derrick had converted more than 12 of his attempts. But it was a big deal. And not because Rose's shot selection was terrible. After all, 22 of his 32 attempts came inside 10 feet. But he went only 6-for-14 at the rim and 2-for-8 from 3-9 feet.

To be completely honest, I thought there was a significant amount of uncalled contact on several of Rose's drives. Which isn't all that surprising, considering Hawks coach Larry Drew talked publically about his team getting more physical with Rose after Game 3. That's what happened. The Hawks forced Rose into several misses and got away with bumping him off a handful of shots that might have otherwise gone in or resulted in free throw attempts.

Said Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau: "He kept driving the ball. I'm anxious to see the replays. From my perspective, I thought he was getting fouled. Maybe he wasn't going hard enough."

But here's the thing: Even if Rose hit more shots and earned more trips to the lines, and even if the Bulls had pulled this one out, I would still have a problem with the offense. Or, at least, what it devolved into.

Here's what the Bulls offense looked like in the fourth quarter:

Carlos Boozer missed layup; Rose made 10-footer; Rose made 14-footer + 1 free throw; Rose made layup; Rose missed layup (blocked by Teague); offensive rebound; Rose missed 14-footer; offensive rebound; Rose missed 8-footer; Rose missed layup; Kyle Korver made 17-footer (Rose assists); C.J. Watson turnover; Taj Gibson 2-for-2 at the line; shot clock violation; Rose turnover; Luol Deng missed three-pointer; offensive rebound; Rose made 7-footer and the foul; Rose misses free throw; Rose made layup; Rose missed layup; Rose missed 6-footer; Rose turnover; Salvatore’s blown call; Korver missed three-pointer; Deng made layup (Rose assists); Korver turnover; Rose made layup.

In summary: The Bulls' fourth quarter offense consisted of only 2 assists (both by Rose), 4 free throw attempts, 5 turnovers and 17 field goal attempts...12 by Rose.

Said Thibodeau: "You know, when he's making the plays and he's scoring, everyone's saying how great he is. So tonight, he was aggressive. I didn't have any problem with the way he played. ... It's a make or miss league. If they go down, we're talking about the great plays and how unselfish he is."

Countered Kyle Korver: "I think when Derrick gets it going, he should shoot every time. But when it's not there, we got to work it as a team. We got to do a better job of getting open so he can see us, and he probably needs to do a better job sometimes of finding us, but it's a team thing. You can't out it on one person. Obviously, when he has it going, he is the best basketball player in the world, and we want him to take every shot that he feels like he's going to make."

Korver's right. The offense cannot become "Rose dribbles and drives while everybody else stands around watching." That's what happened in the fourth quarter of last night’s game, and it’s no wonder the Bulls scored only 19 points over those final 12 minutes. Look, Derrick has become a tremendous closer, one of the best in the game. But no matter how good he is, Most Valuable Player or not, the Bulls still need to execute an actual offense down the stretch.

That didn't happen last night. And it was costly. More so even than Bennet Salvatore's "inadvertent whistle" (see below). Much more so because officiating is out of a team's control. The way an offense runs is.

Take Boozer’s night. Carlos finally broke out of his offensive slump -- 18 points, 7-for-10 from the field, 4-for-4 from the line -- but attempted one shot in the fourth quarter. The first one, as it turned out, and he never shot again. That's ridiculous. Boozer is supposed to be the team's second offensive option. If the team isn’t going to go to him when he’s hot, when are they going to go to him? This is just a for instance. Deng is the team's third option and he took only two shots in the fourth.

Good offense requires ball movement and total involvement from all five guys on the floor. I'm perfectly okay with Rose taking 30+ shots as long as they come within the flow of the offense. When there’s no flow to the offense...that's when the problems crop up.

Everybody is at fault. Thibs is at fault for not running more plays that get players other than Rose good looks. Rose's teammates are at fault for not being more aggressive, getting open, and calling for the ball. And Rose is at fault for not generating more offense for the other guys wearing red jerseys.

It'll be interesting to see if they get it cleaned up in Game 5.

Officiating: With 2:27 left in the fourth quarter and the Bulls trailing 90-84, Derrick Rose made a nice ball fake, got Jamal Crawford into the air, and then drew obvious contact on a three-point attempt. Official Bennett Salvatore blew the whistle...

...then said it was inadvertent and ruled a jump ball. Josh Smith won the tip, Jeff Teague gained possession, and Atlanta’s possession ended with a dunk by Al Horford that increased Atlanta's lead to eight points.

That’s a big swing. It was also a bit mistake.

And Salvatore admitted as much.

Said Salvatore: "An inadvertent whistle is when a referee blows his whistle and didn’t mean to. That's exactly what happened. I blew my whistle and didn't mean to, I didn't think it was a foul. Having watched the replay after the game, it was a foul and I should have called it. I made a mistake."

He blew his whistle. But he didn’t think it was a foul. Okay.

Salvatore continued: "I blew my whistle. I was positive it was not a foul. I blew my whistle by accident. Which is an inadvertent whistle. That's why I disallowed it ... Having watched replay. It was a foul. I made a mistake. I was wrong."

Said Rose: "It's basketball. Hopefully next time they call it."

Added Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau: "At that time of the game, I've never seen that. But look, Bennett's a good official. He said he made a mistake. He's human. So that's what he did. He's a good official. He got him in the air, he came down on him. I thought it was a foul. But you know, sometimes it goes your way, sometimes it doesn’t.

You don't have to be a math major to realize how costly Salvatore’s mistake was for the Bulls. Assuming Rose hit all three of the free throws he should have gotten, the Bulls would have been down only three points with two and a half minutes remaining. Instead, after it was all said and done, they were down eight with two minutes to go.

And, watching the game, you could tell the sequence demoralized them.

If that call had been made correctly, the Bulls could have won this game. But it's not why they lost the game. They lost because they played poorly.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: If the Thunder could have scored 11 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3, they would have won and reclaimed homecourt advantage.

Instead, OKC got outscored 23-10 in the fourth and ended up losing in overtime.

The Grizzlies are brutal savages. They're a scary team, man. Never thought I'd say it, but it's true. But still...the idea that a team with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook got held to 10 fourth quarter points after beginning the period with a 13-point lead is stunning.

Said Mike Conley: "I think once we looked up at the clock and saw how many points we were down, a little bit of desperation hit. We were like, 'Man, we cannot lose this game.' And guys amped up their game, made some changes here and there, and we were able to just be scrappy and play our game, and fortunately we got the win."

Countered Durant: "This is a tough loss. I'm trying to stay positive, but it was tough. This was tough. We were up 13 going into the fourth, had a good roll going. It was tough."

Added Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "We stopped doing [what they did for the first three quarters]. The last seven or eight minutes, we just stopped doing it, and we gave into their play. I give them credit. They really stepped up and got into us and made us take tough shots."

No kidding. From ESPN Stats and Information: "The end-of-game dynamic between Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant reared its ugly head again on Saturday. Entering Game 3, Durant had been tremendous in the final 5 minutes of regulation and OT, shooting over 50 percent from the floor compared to just 26 percent for Westbrook. Both struggled down the stretch on Saturday, combining to go 0-10 with the lone points coming on a pair of Russell Westbrook free throws."

As a team, the Thunder shot 36 percent, with Durant (10-for-24) and Westbrook (7-for-22) shitting bricks. Westbrook has 12 assists...but he also committed 5 of his 7 turnovers in the fourth quarter and overtime before fouling out of the game.

Bonk.

By the way, according to ESPN Stats and Information, that 10 points is tied for the fourth-lowest fourth-quarter playoff point total since 2005. I'm just sayin'.

Panathinaikos basketball fans: Nobody should get shot by an AK-47 over basketball. But it happened.

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Report:

Bulls-Hawks: Omer acquired a board in 14:12, but buried it in three fouls for a 3:1 Voskuhl. Rasual Butler had 121 seconds of prime rib pricing for a 2 trillion.

Meanwhile, Atlanta's Zaza Pachulia countered a free throw and board in 9:03 with a turnover and four fouls for a 5:2 Voskuhl, and both Jason Collins (in 1:45 via two fouls) and Josh Powell (in 4:07 via brick and turnover) got +2 suck differentials, with Collins getting a 2:0 Voskuhl and Powell earning a Madsen-level 1:0 ratio.

Lakers-Mavs: Joe Smith unmightily fouled in 3:23 for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while Corey Brewer matched that suck differential for Dallas in 68 seconds via brick from the Stemmons Freeway.

Thunder-Grizzlies: Daequan Cook fried up three bricks from the Sterick Building, along with two fouls, to earn a +5 in 8:15!

El (Oh El) Heat-Celtics: Von Wafer plugged in his Super Nintendo for a mere four seconds, earning a celebratory Super Mario!!!!

Bulls-Hawks: Damien Wilkins bricked once in 58 seconds for a +1 and a Mario! And as commenter Batmanu notes...

Should we make mention in the Lacktion Report that Damien Wilkins' missed FGA was on a blown dunk at the end of the first half?

Yes, we will make mention of it. :D

Labels: 2011 NBA Playoffs, Andrew Bynum WTF, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers, Oklahoma City Thunder, Worst of the Weekend

The San Antonio Spurs: I already covered the death of the Spurs here and here. That 61-win season was a fantastic last gasp for the Duncan era. But Zach Randolph slammed the window shut.

R.I.P.

Tim Duncan, non-quote machine: Basketbawful reader Zach B. sent in this non-quote which, as he put it, works on so many levels: "Duncan left the court five days after turning 35 for what might have been the last time, not that he said anything to his teammates."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Before Oklahoma City opened the second round with a Game 1 loss at home to the Grizzlies, Thundermania had been building to a fever pitch. It's actually been building ever since they acquired Kendrick Perkins from the Celtics. After all, Perk was supposed to be the elusive "final piece" that would push the Thunder past the Lakers and into the NBA Finals.

Right?

Only, last time I checked, Oklahoma City is going to have to make it to the Western Conference Finals before they get a shot at L.A. And that might not happen.

Zach Randolph may see to that.

I never thought I'd type those words outside of some sort of hostage situation. Nor did I ever think I'd be cutting and pasting anything like the following quote into a Basketbawful post. It's from Kevin Durant. About Randolph.

"You can't stop him. You've got to make them shoot tough shots like he's been doing, but if he's making them, he's tough to stop. He's an animal."

Durant also believes Z-Bo is "the best power forward in the league."

Replied Z-Bo: "I've got to agree with that. Thanks, KD. I appreciate that."

I am still on planet Earth, right? Third rock from the sun?

Randolph continued: "I've felt like I don't get a lot of respect I deserve. It's nothing personal or nothing. I just try to come out and be the same player, consistent during the regular season and during playoffs. I just try to be this way all the time, play my way all the time, and not be up and down. The good players be consistent and stay consistent, not just playoffs but during the regular season, also."

Added Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "The one thing that I admire in his game is he's relentless. He's always playing the game. You just know that the loves the game. We have to do a better job of controlling him and making him miss some shots.
It's not going to be easy, and we know that going into it, and we knew that going into this game. He scores, and he scores in bunches, and we have to do a better job with that."

I'm not on Earth anymore. I can't be.

I may be way off here, but it may be time for NBA teams to wake up and smell the reality. The Lakers won the last two league championships not because of how awesome Kobe Bryant is. They won because they have two quality big men to throw at people. And, frankly, that's why they're going to beat the Mavericks in that second round series. Thanks to David Stern's "touch me not" legislation, perimeter players have dominated the league the last half dozen years or so. To the point that GMs haven't been assembling dominant frontcourts like the old days.

Except for the Lakers, that is. They have back-to-back titles to show for it. Now the Grizzlies have one, too. And they have become a nightmare for their opponents.

Make no mistake. It's not just Zach, though. Randolph was awesome -- 34 points, 12-for-22, 1-for-1 from downtown [!!], 9-for-9 from the line, 10 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 assists -- but the presence of Marc Gasol (20 points, 9-for-11, 13 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal) means that Oklahoma City's defense can't key in on Z-Bo. Not with another kickass big roaming the paint.

Memphis won the rebounding battle, hauled in 17 offensive boards and scored 52 points in the paint.

That said...let's not count the Thunder out just yet. This could be an aberration game. After all, according to ESPN Stats and Information, Gasol and Randolph went 11-for-15 on shots from 10 feet and beyond. That's a conversion rate of 73+ percent. Against the Spurs, they went 20-for-50 (40 percent) from 10+ feet.

What's more, Memphis surrendered a mere 8 points on only 8 turnovers, while scoring 23 points off the 18 turnovers committed by Oklahoma City.

The hot outside shooting by the Grizzlies' big men and disproportionate turnover margin won't happen every night. Of course, the one night it did happen may turn out to be enough. We'll see.

Kendrick Perkins: The Thunder traded him to dominate the paint and shut down opposing big men, right? Amiright?

Russell Westbrook: Westbrook's line looks great -- 29 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists -- as long as you don't include the 9-for-23 shooting, 7 turnovers and 5 personal fouls. When one player barely wins the turnover battle against the entire other team, you know somebody's got the butterfingers.

The Boston Celtics: Dwyane Wade was super hot -- 38 points on 14-for-21 shooting plus 8-for-9 from the line -- and his production was most definitely not the norm. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

Wade shot 6-for-11 from 15 feet or farther in Game 1; his six field goals from that range were two more than he made in his previous four games against Boston.

During the regular season, Wade had the lowest field goal percentage of the 69 players who attempted at least 15 field goals from at least 15 feet against the Celtics.

You know what? That's fine. Superstars catch fire. It happens. I can forgive that. Especially when LeBron James and Chris Bosh are held to 11-for-29 from the field.

What I cannot forgive is Boston's defense on James Jones. JJ exploded off Miami's bench to score 25 points on 5-for-7 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. Yes, that's right. In a game featuring Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen...James freakin' Jones had a game-high in FTA.

I'm so not on planet Earth. Where the fuck am I?

According to ESPN Stats and Information, Jones set the cHeat franchise record for points off the bench in a playoff game. What's more, he went 4-for-5 on threes in the second quarter, tying Miami's postseason record for three-pointers in a single quarter. Oh, and get this: He launched all seven of his FGA without taking a dribble. And he was unguarded on six of his seven attempts. And all five of his makes. Nice rotations, Celtics.

Said Ray Allen: "There's so many things we need to do to get better. I think everybody in that locker room knows that, just from a small conversation we just had."

Jeez, no shit, Ray.

Bottom line is this: Boston can't afford to get beaten by Miami's roleplayers. That's what happened. In the first half, cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra benched LeBron and Wade at the same time, which is ultra-rare. Jones ended up leading a 9-0 run. And Jones ended up outscoring the Celtics bench 25-23. Man oh man, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Still, cHeat fans shouldn't feel too confident. The Celtics played like ass -- Boston's bigs were 13-for-32 in the paint and got seven shots blocked, Rajon Rondo played only eight minutes in the first half due to foul trouble, and Paul Pierce got ejected (see below) -- and still cut a 19-point lead down to 90-82 with 4:22 left. And it was Rondo's careless passing (four TOs in six possessions down the stretch) that killed any hope of a comeback.

But the comeback was a distinct possibility.

I say that the Celtics will play much better in Game 2. Of course, it may not matter, because they may be without the services of...

Paul Pierce: Yes, Pierce's ejection has caused some angst around these parts, no doubt about it. Here's my take.

With 7:58 remaining, James Jones committed a flagrant foul on Pierce. Wasn't called a flagrant, which happens sometimes, so you just have to live with it. Only Pierce couldn't or wouldn't live with it, going face to face with Jones and then head-something-ing him. Was it a headbutt? A headbump? A facerub? I'm not sure what to call it. I do know that Zaza Pachulia was recently suspended one playoff game for what the league felt was a headbutt on Jason Richardson.

You can't do that, Paul. You're the team captain. You can't get a technical when you're team is trying to make a comeback -- your free throws cut the lead to 10 and there was plenty of time remaining -- and you can't do something that could risk suspension in a playoff series versus a real championship contender. I understand your frustration. I would've been pissed, too. But you've won a championship, Paul. Been the Finals MVP, even. You know better than that. You do.

Less than a minute later, Pierce was setting a pick on Wade, who lowered his shoulder and tried to blast right through Pierce's pick. Yeah, Pookie could have (and probably should have) been called for a foul on the play, but the nearest official didn't have a clear view and, frankly, probably wouldn't have made the flagran call Doc Rivers wanted anyway. Not in Miami. That's the reality of playing on the road in the playoffs, Paul. You're not new to these games. You know better. Or you should. Instead you said something inflammatory with referee Ed Malloy standing, what, five feet away?

Crew chief Danny Crawford said: "And in the rulebook, that is a verbal taunt. And it just so happened to be Pierce's second technical foul."

For the record, Crawford also said: "He approached Jones and got right in his face. There wasn't a head-butt, but he got right into his face after a hard foul."

Crawford's statement might save Pierce from a suspension, if only because Stern hates to contradict his officials. But, as much as I understand why Pierce was upset, I have to agree with ESPNBoston's Jackie MacMullan: "It was an appalling development for the team captain and supposed leader, who, instead of helping Boston scratch back from a deficit that was as high as 19 points, lost his composure and was forced to watch the remainder of the game from the locker room in disgrace."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Oklahoma City Thunder, Paul Pierce, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Weekend, Zach Randolph

And this was one of the Bulls' better moments last night.
The Chicago Bulls Defense: This ball-buster can be summed up by one simple stat:

16-for-24.

That's what the Bricks, er, Knicks shot from three-point range last night. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 66 percent rate of accuracy.

Can you say "outlier"? No, really. Let's compare that to how well New York shot threes in their first three games: 7-for-24 (29 percent), 9-for-27 (33 percent) and 7-for-28 (25 percent). As a whole, that's 23-for-79 (29 percent).

So...yeah. Still, you'd think that, at some point, the Bulls would have come at them with some aggressive hand-to-the-face action, right?

Wrong.

Then there was the whole Danilo Gallinari situation. Check out the kid’s game log. Going into last night's game, he had scored a total of 18 points on the season while going 5-for-25 (20 percent) from the field and 2-for-11 (18 percent) from downtown. Against the Bulls, Gallinari scored 24 points -- 21 in the first half -- on 7-for-11 (63 percent) shooting, including 4-for-4 (100 f**king percent) from beyond the arc.

It doesn't stop there. It's just getting started.

In all fairness, Toney Douglas had been playing better than Gallinari. He'd scored a total of 32 points in New York's first three games while going 14-for-28 (50 percent) from the field...although only 3-for-12 (25 percent) from three-point range. Last night, Douglas wet 9-for-14 (64 percent) from the field and 5-for-9 (55 percent) on threes. He finished with a career-high 30 points.

Said Douglas: "I make sure that every time I shoot it that I have confidence that it’s going in. I can miss 10 in a row. I’m going to shoot the next one and make it."

Allen Iverson would be proud. But I can guarantee Tom Thibodeau isn't.

The crazy thing is, it's not like the Bulls weren't playing any D. They held New York to 42 percent shooting (24-for-56) inside the arc (thanks largely to Amar''''''e Stoudemire -- see below). Yes, they were slow to rotate on several three-point attempts. And some rotations were missed entirely. But several of those threes were contested. The Knicks were just unconscious. Raymond Felton -- a 32 percent career three-point shooter -- went 4-for-6. Bill Walker and Landry Fields each went 1-for-1.

It was demoralizing. Especially at the end of the first half, when everybody in a Bulls uniform looked shell-shocked. What can you do when your opponent is shooting beyond lights out? Every Chicago run was answered by another three-pointer or two or three or...they just kept coming. Next thing you know, the Bulls were leaving their feet, reaching in, and hacking their way to giving up 29 free throw attempts.

The Knicks were even on fire from the line, going 24-for-29 (82 percent) after shooting 18-for-27 (66 percent) and 14-for-25 (59 percent) in their previous two games.

The Bulls further hurt their cause with careless passing, giving up 26 points off 20 turnovers. The starters combined for 14 of those turnovers. Don't get me wrong. The extra passing was leading to offense -- Chicago had 27 assists on their 42 buckets -- but you don't want it leading to offense for the other team too.

Well, that's what happened last night. Especially during the final minutes of the second quarter. With the Knicks leading by 20-ish and closing in on a 70-point first half, the Bulls looked sluggish and confused, leading to one of the worst four-possession sequences I've ever seen: Possession 1: Noah was called for a three-second violation. Possession 2: Gibson traveled. Possession 3: Deng had the ball stolen by Gallinari. Possession 4: Deng committed an offensive foul.

The saddest part of the whole mess is that Thibs had to bench Deng, Noah and Rose to fire up his team. And Chicago's reserves very nearly made a game of it. A three-pointer by Korver cut New York's lead to 95-87 with 11:21 to go in the fourth. Of course, Douglas nailed a trey on the Knicks' next possession.

That's just the kind of night it was for the Bulls.

The New York Knicks defense: Let me be clear about this: The Knicks beat the Bulls because they drilled nearly 70 percent of their three-point attempts. They didn't win because of their defense.

The Bulls actually had a great offensive night themselves, shooting 52 percent from the field and nearly 50 on threes (9-for-19). Derrick Rose was great (24 points, 14 assists), Kyle Korver was on fire (18 points, 7-for-10), Taj Gibson was hitting on all cylinders (18 points, 10 rebounds) and Joakim Noah was Joakim Noah (12 points, 13 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 steals, 2 blocks).

Sure, the Knicks had 12 steals, but a lot of those were the results of really sloppy passes by the Bulls.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: Before the game, the TNT crew (Ernie, Kenny and Charles) were discussing STAT's season-to-date. I don't remember the exact quotes, but I believe Ernie asked whether Stoudemire misses Steve Nash on offense, and Kenny replied that Nash was missing Amar''''''e more.

Really?

Sure, Stoudemire came into the game averaging over 20 PPG. But he was also shooting 45 percent...down from almost 56 percent last season and 54+ percent for his career. Against the Bulls -- and on a night when seemingly every other Knicks player had it going -- STAT went 5-for-21 (23 percent). All that three-point shooting should have opened up the inside for Amar''''''e to g to work, right?

In theory. And if Stoudemire had actual inside moves and stuff. His entire post-up menu seems to be composed of 1) beat defender off the dribble or layup or dunk, and 2) fumble around the paint until I can force up an awkward jumper/scoop/chuck/etc.

But hey, at least he had 8 turnovers and 6 personal fouls.

Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith, quote machine: While discussing Amar''''''e:

Chuck: "What do you call a power forward averaging 7 rebounds a game?"

Kenny: "A small forward."

C.J. Watson: 1-for-7 and rapidly losing confidence in his jumper. As well he sould be.

Derrick Rose's respect for human life: Out of the Bulls many lowlights against the Knicks comes this one highlight: D-Rose trying to destroy anyone within a five-foot radius of the rim. Thanks to AnacondaHL for providing linkage.


And now again in HD...with replays:


Eddy Curry sighting: Did you know: Eddy Curry's $60 million contract was simply a clever ruse by Isiah Thomas to sign LeBron James? I'm dead serious. More on this below.

Admit it. You just squeed.
Ozzie Guillen: With no regard for human life fashion.


The Portland Trail Blazers: I can't bust on the Frail Blazers too much.

Typical of this team's luck, they were already minus two centers (Greg Oden and Joel Przybilla) before Fabricio Oberto retired on them (see below). Portland also announced on Thursday that rookie Elliot Williams is likely out for the season because of surgery to repair a dislocated right patella. Oh, and then Rudy Fernandez missed the game because of back pain.

So it's not too surprising they were outlasted by the Thunder.

Still, Portland coach Nate McMillan thought his team wimped out a little bit: "I just think we settled. I thought there were lanes to drive and get to the basket against this team. There were a few times where we settled for the jump shot. We shot the ball well in the first half. In the second half, we continued to rely on the jump shot as opposed to attacking, being aggressive, playing from the inside out. We played on the perimeter tonight."

Reality check: The Blazers outscored the Thunder 50-34 in the paint. According to the shot chart, they attempted 28 layups. According to Hoopdata, NBA teams average 22.3 shots at the rim per game...and Portland averages 22.6. Of course, Oklahoma City currently leads the league in giving up shot attempts at the rim (31.0) and their opponents shoot the ninth-highest percentage from that range...so maybe Nate has a point.

Seattle Super Sonics fans: I appreciate their pain. I do. But at this point, it's kind of like Mike Tyson asking for another shot at Buster Douglas.

Poor Chewbacca still hasn't gotten over theImperial blockade of his home planet Kashyyyk.
Isiah Thomas: Has the man lost his mind? The answer is "yes" of course, but I'll let you be the judge. From ESPNNewYork:

Isiah Thomas thought he would be dead by age 20, so at 49 he offers no apologies for betting on himself. Exiled in Miami, haunted by his proximity to LeBron James, Thomas embraces his articles of blind faith like one would a baby in a storm.

Isiah believes James (and perhaps Dwyane Wade) would be starting for the New York Knicks if Isiah had remained president of the team.

Isiah believes he can recruit James out of Miami and into Madison Square Garden in 2014.

Isiah believes that, with or without James, he will someday help the Knicks win their first NBA title since 1973.

"I want to be on the float and I want to get my ring," Thomas said.

Whaaaaaa...? But wait. There's more.

Asked if he hopes to replace Donnie Walsh whenever the 69-year-old Knicks president retires, Thomas said, "Every single day of the week.

"When I look at my GM/executive record, if I'm evaluated on that, then whoever's after Donnie, if you're not talking about some of the top people in the game, I'll put my draft evaluation record up against anyone's."

Not done yet.

Vin Baker, Jerome James, Jared Jeffries.

There's no defending that, and Thomas knows it.

"But there were 24 All-Stars last year," he said, "and I left New York with two of them, David Lee and Zach Randolph. Jamal Crawford became a sixth man of the year."

Thomas believes injuries cost the Knicks a playoff appearance in 2007, the year he replaced Brown on the bench. "Before the trial," he said, "people weren't saying bad things about the Knicks. They were saying, 'Watch out for the Knicks.'"

Yeah, as in: "Watch out, whatever nasty shit they have all over them might get on you."

Here's the best part though.

Thomas said he needed to make the trade for Stephon Marbury to resuscitate a dead franchise. He blamed Brown for moving Trevor Ariza in the deal to acquire Steve Francis. Surrendering the draft picks that became LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah for Curry?

Curry played at a high level for Thomas for a bit, but soon enough devolved into a symbol of everything that went wrong between Seventh and Eighth avenues.

"There was a method behind the madness," Thomas said. He was confident Curry would opt out in 2010 to clear the necessary space for a fellow client of Leon Rose, name of LeBron James.

"My instincts always told me LeBron would be great in New York," Thomas said. "I remember talking to Jerry West about when he was going after Shaq and how he mortgaged the team and what he went through. I kept saying to Jerry, 'I think if I position this right, I'll have a shot at LeBron.'"

So let me get this straight. Wildly overpaying for Eddy Curry was all part of Isiah's master plan to bring King Crab to New York. He can't be serious. He just can't. It's not medically possible to be that retarded...is it?

Okay, I might have been wrong. This is probably the best part.

"In Toronto, Indiana and New York," Thomas said, "I've never actually gotten fired for a basketball reason."

Fun fact: During Isiah's reign of terror as the New York's President of Basketball Operations, the Knicks went 151-259 -- including 56-108 during his two-year stint as head coach -- and had zero playoff appearances. But he's never been fired for "a basketball reason."

Heart problems: They've robbed us of the Fabulous Oberto, who has officially retired because of a cardiac condition that caused heart palpitations and, presumably, totally awesome hair.

In a statement, Oberto said: "I made this decision to put my health and my family in front of basketball. It was a tough decision to make after playing for so many years, but it was the right one."

We at Basketbawful wish Oberto -- and especially his hair -- well.

Lacktion report: Chris had one brief entry from the Thunder-Blazers game: "Cole Aldrich combined currency for a 4.1 trillion (4:08) celebratory collection!"

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Chicago Bulls, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night

Oh, how I've missed you, Yao Ming
(Via @jose3030)
(Video version at Deadspin)
We're only one night into the season, and I'm already yawning and feeling braindead while writing this. Good to see I'm already in midseason form! Lots of material today, let's get to it.

Brief footbawful crossover: Lovie Smith sucks. Per Mike Lombardi, "Smith is among the worst replay-challenge coaches in the NFL; since 2009, only four of his 16 challenges have been overturned." Also, Lovie's logic for his botched challenge/no challenge sequence this past Sunday is pretty much the definition of footbawful.

And one last brief thing before get to the pics and previews. Here are a couple of my favorite NBA-related Twitter posts of the day.

Bobby_BigWheel: I switched from Celtics-Heat to the season premiere of 16 and Pregnant. I wanted to see more scoring.

bruce_arthur: At a Knicks shootaround. Seeing Eddy Curry is like spotting a whale, in more ways than one.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I reiterate: oh, how I've missed you, Yao Ming

It may look like an awkward position for man love, but LeBron and Paul Pierce certainly seem to be enjoying it

Our first photographic evidence of _efense this season!

(nature documentary guy voice)
"When threatened with competition, the rare White Basketball Player will bare his teeth to show dominance"

Nationally Televised Games:

Bulls at Thunder, ESPN, 8pm: I'm glad this game is on national TV. Kevin Durant is appointment television viewing, as you have hopefully figured out by now. And I'm excited to see the revamped roster in action for the Bulls. You can read Bawful's full game preview at By the Horns since I'm sure he knows much more about the Bulls than I do.

Trail Blazers at Clippers, ESPN, 10:30pm: The Clippers on national TV? That's so sad, it can make an adorable bunny facepalm.

See what you've done, Donald Sterling? You should be ashamed.

Who else should be ashamed? Greg Oden, because his favorite TV shows include 90210 and Gossip Girls. No 58 year old man should watch those shows.

All The Other Games:

Celtics at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Celtics took down Cleveland's most hated man last night. Standing ovation from the Cleveland crowd, anyone? You know that's going to be the highlight of their season. Also, recommended reading: Trey Kirby from The Basketball Jones recently posted about Dan Gilbert's infamous Comic Sans letter that he does not regret.

Pistons at Nets, 7pm: You may be wondering why I didn't call them the Nyets. Well, I figured it's a new season and all, they deserve a fresh start, right? I mean, sure, they have a chance to suck again very soon, but they're going to start with a home win against the woeful Pistons, so I don't feel comfortable making fun of them until they lose.

Heat at 76ers, 7pm: Per the STATS LLC preview of this game, "The Sixers need forward Elton Brand to finally break out after two disappointing seasons since coming over from the Los Angeles Clippers." Yeah, good luck with that, Philly.

Knicks at Raptors, 7pm: Oh, Toronto. Over in hockey land, the Maple Leafs are -- beyond any reasonable explanation -- not godawful this year so far. Thankfully the Craptors are capable of carrying on the tradition of failure for what has lately been Loser City. Look, I don't want Toronto to continue to suck at basketball. I have nothing against their fans. However, I despise the Leafs, so I'll take what I can get right now. And when your team is based around Andrea Bargnani...

Bucks at Hornets, 8pm: Are we still supposed to Fear the Deer? I'm sorry, but I don't trust any Scott Skiles-coached team after the honeymoon period is over and the players start to resent him.

Kings at Timberwolves, 8pm: Oof. Ugly game. However, the constant potential for DeMarcus Cousins to lose his cool and strangle somebody makes pretty much every Purple Paupers game this year worth watching. (I look forward to him getting eight hundred technical fouls for my fantasy team this year while being a double-double machine.)

Hawks at Grizzlies, 8pm: Our first chance to see Larry Drew's new offensive scheme for the Hawks should be interesting. I don't expect much from the Hawks this year, but... "Memphis is 2-13 all-time in season openers, and has dropped nine straight since defeating Seattle to begin the 2000-01 season."

Bobcats at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Did you know Larry Brown is 70? That's almost as impressive as the Mavs winning 50+ games for 10 straight seasons, yet continually being worthless in the playoffs. Also, again citing the STATS LLC game preview, "The Bobcats, who waived Dampier and his $13 million non-guaranteed contract, still have a dynamic frontcourt with Stephen Jackson, Gerald Wallace and Boris Diaw." I think that sentence pretty much says it all.

Pacers at Spurs, 8:30pm: I will be the first to admit that the Spurs are getting old in a hurry (that's about the only thing they can do in a hurry at this point...). However, they just absolutely own the Pacers right now. The last time the Pacers won a game at San Antonio? January 4, 2002. That's just turrible.

Jazz at Nuggets, 9pm: An undertalented, overperforming Jazz team rocking their new old-school logo versus a sulking Melo? Awesome.

Rockets at Warriors, 10:30pm: As shared by AnacondaHL: "Have this pic courtesy of Jeremy Lin for tonight's BAD." And there you go. Lookin' good, Mr. Lin.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trail Blazers