The Miami cHeat: In the BAD comments, AnacondaHL said: "Tomorrow's post could just be an in-depth play-by-play of the last 5 minutes." We'll start with a basic play-by-play of Miami's offensive possessions over the final six minutes and 50 seconds:
6:50: Chris Bosh missed 18-footerTo sum up: missed jumper, missed jumper, turnover, turnover, turnover, missed jumper, missed jumper, missed jumper, missed layup, two made free throws, missed jumper, one made free throw, dunk, missed jumper.
6:05: Bosh missed 18-footer
5:15: Bosh turnover
4:48: Dwyane Wade turnover
4:18: Mike Miller turnover
3:33: Miller missed three-pointer
2:59: Wade missed three-pointer
2:25: LeBron James missed 17-footer
2:25: Miller offensive rebound
2:17: Miller missed layup
2:16: Wade loose ball foul
1:53: Bosh 2-for-2 from the line
1:09: Haslem misses jumper
0:30: Wade 1-for-2 from the line (missed tying free throw)
0:09: Wade dunk
0:01: Miller airballed desperation three-pointer
Remember: Miami's offense feature two of the top five players on the planet. And another All-Star to boot.
Also remember: LeBron James is either the Next Michael Jordan or destined to be even greater. Speaking of which...
LeBron James: Remember how Jason Terry's trash talk was supposed to "fuel the Heat's fire"? And how, when Terry questioned whether LeBron could consistently shut him down in the fourth quarter over seven games, Bosh said:
"You have to let sleeping dogs lie sometimes. It's motivation. For us, it is an opportunity to not let up. Guys are talking and it fuels you.Well then.
"If he wants LeBron to turn it up then that's great motivation for LeBron," Bosh said. "Guys remember that when we're out on the floor. LeBron is going to remember that late in the game when it is close and Terry is going to try to get going. LeBron is going to guard him and we'll see who comes out on top."
From ESPN Stats and Information:
One of the big storylines heading into Game 4 was the comments made by Jason Terry and how LeBron James would guard him in the fourth quarter. Terry backed up his talk and nearly outscored the Heat's Big Three by himself down the stretch. Terry had eight points in the final quarter and didn't turn the ball over while Wade, James and Bosh combined for nine points and five turnovers.LeBron's final line: 46 minutes, 3-for-11, 8 points, 9 rebouns, 7 assists, 2 steals, 4 turnovers, 4 fouls, -6. And, of course, that big old goose egg in the fourth quarter.
LeBron had eight points and it was the first time in his 90 career playoff games that he was held to single-digit points. His teams are now 0-7 when he scores 15 points or fewer in a postseason game. James attempted just one shot in the fourth quarter and failed to score despite playing all 12 minutes. This is just the second time he's failed to score in the final period of any playoff game.
Dirk's dominating performance and LeBron's disappearing act in the fourth quarter this game continues a trend from the entire series. Nowitzki has now outscored James 44-9 in the final period while making as many field goals as James has attempted while making six times as many free throws.
Said Bosh: "He struggled. Point blank, period."
Continued LeBron: "I've got to do a better job of being more assertive offensively. I'm confident in my ability. It's just about going out there and knocking them down."
Added cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra: "We'll have to look at the film. Obviously we would like to get him involved. He's a very important piece to what we do. So we'll work to help make it easier for him next game."
Wait, what? Miami's coaching staff needs to look at the film to get LeBron James more involved in the team's offense?
Anyway, back to...
The Miami cHeat: I highlighted the final 6:50, but check out Miami's fourth quarter totals: 14 points on 5-for-15 shooting (33 percente) with 6 turnovers. LeBron went scoreless. Bosh went 8-for-12 in the first half but only 1-for-7 over the final 24 minutes, and he clanked consecutive jump shots down the stretch. Wade missed a freebie that would have tied the game with half a minute to go.
Then, after Terry knocked down two free throws with 6.7 seconds left to put Dallas up 86-83, Spoelstra called a 20-second timeout to get possession in the frontcourt. Miller inbounded to D-Wade, but Wade (who was curling around a screen) took his eyes off the ball and it bobbled off his hands. Pookie barely managed to recover the ball and fling it to Miller for what may have been the crappiest and most hopeless last second shot attempt I've ever seen in a Finals game: A 30-footer over Tyson Chandler while falling out of bounds.
Said Wade: "I saw an opening. Mike threw the ball and I was trying to get to the opening, probably before I caught it. That's how I lost it. Obviously I would love to have that play back. We would love to have a lot of plays back."
Another fourth quarter collapse. And this is a trend, folks.
Jeff Fogle of Hoopdata writes:
Let's take a look at the final six minutes from each of the four games played so far. That will give us a 24-minute "half" of basketball we can use for a crunch time comparison.Some people are citing fatigue, which sounds reasonable considering the Nazgul keep logging 40+ minutes a game. But then how do you explain Dirk's 44 fourth quarter points over four games? Nowitzki's logging epic minutes, too, and he scored 10 points down the stretch last night despite a sinus infection and a reported fever of 101 degrees.
FINAL 6 MINUTE "SCORES" IN EACH GAME:
Game One: Miami 17, Dallas 15
Game Two: Dallas 20, Miami 5
Game Three: Dallas 12, Miami 7
Game Four: Dallas 11, Miami 7
Total: Dallas 58, Miami 36
How's that for a "halftime score?!" Let that register for a minute. Dallas is up 22 points IN CRUNCH TIME, putting points on the board consistently against a defense that now, suddenly, isn't looking so scary. And, Miami should be pretty humiliated that they just popped 5, 7, and 7 points in the final six minutes of the last three games. It took a huge first game just to get them to 36! Dallas is up 43-19 in the final six minutes of action during the last three games.
By the way, during these Finals, Dallas is now +30 when Dirk is on the floor and -35 when he's not. With all due respect to Henry Abbott and Rick Reilly, in my humble opinion, the MVP of the playoffs so far is seven feet tall and blond.
Dwyane Wade: Pookie was Miami's player of the game (32 points, 13-for-20, 6 rebounds) but he bricked three freebies -- including one that would have tied the game -- and blew the final play of the game to hell. As stephanie g pointed out: "LeBron looked like a big armless Rondo out there and Marion is arguably outplaying him for the series, or at least playing him to a draw. All the same, imagine if LeBron missed a critical freethrow and had butter fingers on the inbound pass like Wade did."
Three-point shooting: Clink. Clank. Clunk. Dallas went 4-for-19 from downtown and Miami was 2-for-14. The two starting lineups combined to go 0-for-13. Is fatigue setting in on both sides? Sure looks like it.
Peja Stojakovic: His NBA Finals minutes were stolen by...Brian Cardinal.
Wow.
Brendan Haywood: How poorly did he play in his three-minute stint? His only stat was one foul committed and the Mavs were outscored by 10 points while he was on the floor, prompting Tyson Chandler to jump up and ask Dallas coach Rick Carlisle to be subbed back in.
Said Chandler: "I told Coach, 'You have to get me back out there, I will play 48 (minutes) if I need to.'"
Speaking of Chandler...
Tyson Chandler: We call this an ego-ectomy:
LeBron James, flop machine: Didn't James Harden get crucified for shenanigans like this? Memo to LeBron: You're too good for theatrics like this.
Dirk Nowitzki, quote machine, Part 1: "Just battle it out. This is the finals. You have to go out there and compete and try your best for your team. So that's what I did."
Dirk Nowtizki, quote machine, Part 2: "There's no long term. I'll be alright on Thursday. ... Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight, take some meds and be ready to go on Thursday."
Tyson Chandler, quote machine: "The average person, you know, has sick days and battling 100-something (fever), it's just tough to get out of bed. This guy is playing against the best athletes in the world."
Chris Bosh, quote machine: "There is not an illness report before the game or anything. I've never been out there and somebody pointed and said, 'He's got a fever!' "
Erik Spoelstra, quote machine: "This series is a jump ball. These guys live for these type of moments. It's about execution and disposition in the fourth quarter, being able to close out. We have a golden opportunity in the next game."
Jason Terry, quote machine: "The aggression was there for me personally. And I like that, that I was on the attack, which I said I would be. But as far as that relating into baskets, it didn't really happen for me."
Brian Cardinal, quote machine, Part 1: From TrueHoop: "It's The King vs. The Custodian! It's an unbelievable player against ... me."
Brian Cardinal, quote machine, Part 2: Also from TrueHoop: "[The Custodian is] a nickname from back in the day. Now I'm just happy if people call me Brian."
Chris' NBA Finals Lacktion Report: Brendan Haywood hobbled his way to a foul in 185 seconds, earning a +1 suck differential and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Fellow Texan Peja Stojakovic had only two seconds of playing time for a celebratory Super Mario!
Labels: 2011 NBA Finals, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, Lebron James, Miami Heat, Worst of the Night
Kevin Durant's acne: Good morning readers of Basketbawful! We started off the night with some excellent close-up KD interview acne....bleegh. Eh, the ESPN pre-game is crap anyways, I'm turning it off until 9.
But I couldn't resist hearing what "bold predictions" would be made tonight:
Magic: KD 50 in a loss
JB: J.J. with 25-8 in DAL win
Wilbon: OKC win tonight
Sadly, it was obvious that JB made the most reasonable guess. And so it was.
The Chokelehoma City Blunder: Here we go again. Up by 7, 5 minutes to go, close out by getting out-scored by 17-6. How did this happen? Again?
The game started ugly, with Dirk's failed attempt at Kevin Love Outlet, and for the whole game Dallas was TERRIBLE at recognizing Nick Collison on the baseline just outside the paint. But the tide first changed with yet another Harden flop attempt. Only this time, the home crowd did not buy it at all, and neither did the refs.
(video?)
But that didn't stop the refs from sucking in general. Poor Dirk, up until the first minutes of the 4th, was getting hammered harder inside than Tori Black. Didn't the refs get the memo that the 2006 rematch hasn't officially started yet? In related news, Nick Collison set an NBA single game record with 9 personal fouls.
Yet thus is the value of experience, and Dirk yet again did his thing. More on this later. Marion put on a throwback defensive performance, and hell even his floater makes and 4 ft misses brought me some nostalgia of his Suns days. Okay back to Dirk. Check out how he ended the 3rd:
Mark Jackson, quote machine: "No disrespect, but I'm gonna disrespect Chandler!"
Jeff Van Gundy, quote machine: "Brendan Haywood is stroking it!"
Really though, would you even believe me if I told you that Brendan Haywood sinking free throws helped keep the Mavs afloat?
Russell "please don't start calling him by the nickname Mark Jackson made up 'Wild Thing'" Westbrook: Granted, the OKC choke was more evenly distributed tonight, but it seems only fair to start with Westbrook. Starting with that terrible play in the third, when dribbling it up the court on the sideline with Jason Terry defending. I think a whistle was blown almost simultaneously as Terry tried to reach in for the steal, but Westbrook just lost it and elbowed Terry directly into referee Monty McCutchen. You could see him visibly stunned and pausing for a second, like "wait, aren't I supposed to be giving you the benefit of the doubt on these whistles? Sorry bro, I gotta T that, because that was completely dumb". Westbrook finished with a Heroic Kobeian 31 points on 11-28 shooting.
Oklahoma in the last 5 minutes: Let's look at the numbers: 6 PTS, 2-10 FG, 2-2 FT, 9 REB, 7 TO (including a double dribble!), 6 PF (only 1 intentional). And although they got some good rebounds, they also gave up some terrible ones, including giving Dirk a second chance to try another wide open 3, which had a 107.12% chance of going in based on my calculations. And the terrible rebound that led to a Marion essentially-go-ahead fast break dunk, only Marion is Marion and kinda awkwardly bumbled and decelerated, allowing Durant to catch up and foul him while having no chance at preventing the score. Just wow.
Oh and Westbrook left the court early, which is kinda becoming no longer faux pas to do. Or the media will bring it up and compare it to the Pistons or LeBron or whoever doing it, which is giving him way too much credit. Or some other shit I don't really care.
Doris Burke, quote machine: "Mark [Cuban], if it's possible to be conspicuously inconspicuous, while there are no complaints out of New York, you have been remarkably quiet. Why?"
The Dallas Mavericks: For leaving behind the trophy, leading to Jason Terry awkwardly walking back out to the court to pick it up. But props on everyone walking away from Doris Burke at the end, prompting her to display the most emotion she's ever expressed, wondering why everyone was abandoning her.
Scott Brooks post-game press conference: Wanted to get the fuck out of there (and did so)
Kevin Durant post-game press conference: First words: "What up."
And did someone actually ask him how he felt about Dirk getting back to the Finals? I can't even joke about this ironically, because I know someone will twist this sound clip negatively against KD.
Harden was there sporting a backpack too, (DOUBLE BACKPACK, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!), and was probably only there in the first place because Westbrook was being "u mad" on the team bus. But more on the backpack. What a terrible collage of colors. The Durant bag is simple and conveniently functional, the Harden bag was just trying too hard. May this press conference be the harbinger (including the reason for Westbrook's absence) for OKC's over-hyped future.
Oh who am I kidding, I'm gonna miss the backpacks. Please don't use HGH in the offseason, Durant.
The Los Angeles Lakers: LOS ANGELES (AP) --In the boldest move big business has seen since Domino's adopted their Maoist self-criticism marketing strategy, the Los Angeles Lakers have signed Mike Brown as their head coach in a 4 year $18 million deal. Sadly, there's no improved spices on the crust of this deal, however legions of Celtics, Spurs, Jazz and Pacific Division fans have taken to the streets in jubilation upon hearing this news, some crying with palms upwards towards the sky.
"It's a miracle," proclaims one Phoenix resident. "The second coming; it's glorious. We're all saved."
Ticket sales for Lakers away games have skyrocketted across the nation (and Toronto I guess), as people want to get a first glimpse of this historic moment. Meanwhile, discussions and general anxiety have rapidly spread, as the rate of Twitter tweets and blog posts from greater Los Angeles area IP addresses has increased tenfold over the past 24 hours.
"Yea, that Campang guy was right, this is pretty much the rapture," one fan bemoans outside of Staples Center, his Kobe 8 home jersey swaying listfully in the smog as he uses his smartphone to update his Facebook status on a network he thinks is 4G because 4G is in the name but is actually far slower than the real 4G standard specifies. A small group of self-proclaimed "real Lakers faithful" have gathered in front of the stadium with signs of protest against the decision. Other vocal fans seem to have quickly moved into their acceptance stage of grief.
"Well I mean, his record isn't THAT bad, and he led LeBron and the crappy crap Cavs to like, 69 wins and a bunch of Finals and stuff, and he can fix the Lakers's defensive problems!" posts an anonymous fan on some forum. Sources say a few tried to "white knight" for the relatively reasonable poster before being overwhelmed by requests to STFU.
Mike Brown could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy spouting metaphors on ESPN's half-time show, and developing a game plan to not have Kobe hate him within 24 hours.
Former Lakers head coach Phil Jackson could not be reached for comment, although we think we heard him snickering and choking on his own spittle before hanging up his cell.
Novak Djokovic's opponents: Play the entire game assholes, there's already enough accusations of throwing matches in tennis as it is.
Lay's Lightly Salted Chips: Curse your magic, making me type with one hand until I finished consuming you! You're not even that delicious, why can't I stop...
Marriage: One word - Humpdashian.
-AnacondaHL
Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, I freaking hate the Lakers, LOL, Mike Brown, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook
The Oklahoma City Thunder: With five minutes and five seconds left in the fourth quarter, Kevin Durant drilled a three-pointer to put the Thunder up 99-84. The 15-point bulge was Oklahoma City's biggest lead of the night. Durant's triple seemed like a knockout blow and Dallas coach Rick Carlisle immediately called a timeout to rally his troops.
But, c'mon, seriously. The Oklahoma City Arena was going bonkers. The Thunder had all the momentum. And, anyway, the Mavericks had accomplished their goal in Game3: They had stolen a road game and reclaimed homecourt advantage. It was time to pack their bags and try to get back to it at home in Game 5. Right?
Said Brendan Haywood: "You're lying if you're not surprised. Down 15 with 5 minutes to play you're thinking hopefully something can happen. You're just kind of wishing."
Wishing, huh? Well, somebody on the Dallas roster must have rubbed a genie the right way or something, because the Mavericks closed out the fourth with a 17-2 run to force overtime.
Let's check out OKC's "offense" during that final five minutes of fail: Russell Westbrook missed three; Serge Ibaka missed 6-footer; Westbrook missed 17-footer; Westbrook turnver and foul on Jason Kidd (giving Kidd two free throws); Durant missed 22-footer; Durant missed three; Nick Collison offensive rebound; Westbrook made two-pointer; Westbrook 0-for-2 at the line; Westbrook missed 15-footer; Durant turnover; Westbrook missed 16-footer; Westbrook loose ball foul (giving Shawn Marion two free throws); Thabo Sefolosha missed three-pointer; Durant missed desperation three from 30 feet (blocked by Marion at the buzzer).
As Chuck Barkley would say: TURRIBLE.
Things didn't improve much for the Thunder during the five-minute overtime period. Here's their "offense" in OT: Durant missed three; Sefolosha made jumper; Westbrook missed three; Westbrook turnover (stepped out of bounds); Ibaka made 17-footer; Durant turnover; Westbrook missed jumper; Durant missed desperation three; Durant missed desperation three.
Again: TURRIBLE.
Make it a total of 6 points over the final 10 minutes and five seconds of playing time in this game. At home. With a playoff series on the line.
According to ESPN Stats and Information: "The Mavericks are the only team in the last 15 seasons to win a playoff game in which it trailed by 15 or more points with 5 minutes remaining in the fourth quarter."
Said Jason Terry: "There's times and situations where they are going to test the courage and the mental inner strength of your team. This was one of those times. This was a defining moment in our season where we look back and say, 'Hey, that was the game.'"
Meanwhile, when the Thunder look back on their season, this will probably be the defining moment where they look back and say, "Hey, that was the game where we blew our chance to go to the NBA Finals."
Bummer.
Said Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks: "There's no doubt it was a tough loss. If this loss did not hurt, there's no such thing as a loss that can hurt you. ... It goes without saying that it was a tough loss to accept, but it is a loss and we have to learn from it. I thought our guys played as hard a basketball game as you can play. They were physical, we challenged shots, we struggled a little bit down the stretch with execution and throughout the game we struggled with turnovers."
No kidding.
Oklahoma City's ball-handling: The Thunder gave up 26 points off 26 turnovers, offsetting hefty advantages in rebounds (55-33), points in the paint (54-36) and fast break points (19-6).
Kevin Durant's butter fingers: KD committed 9 of his team's 26 bumblefucks, including what may have been the biggest of the game. With 1:01 left in OT and the score tied at 101-101, J-Kidd stripped Durant as he was going up for a shot. On the other end, Kidd pump-faked Westbrook out of his shorts and then nailed a three with 40.3 seconds left. And that was pretty much the ball game.
Man, for a dude who can't shoot worth a damn, Kidd hits some big shots.
Speaking of threes...
Oklahoma City's three-point shooting: The Thunder had a historically bawful night from beyond the arc in Game 3, going 1-for-17, thanks largely to Durant's 0-for-8 festival of clank. Things didn't get much better in Game 4 as OKC went 2-for-13. KD hit the only two triples his team made. He also missed five others. But, in all fairness to him, three were desperation shots.
James Harden: He fouled out in only 23 minutes of PT. And his absence might have cost the Thunder the game. According to ESPN Stats and Information:
As mentioned the Thunder were outscored by 15 points in the final minutes of regulation, and a lot of that was because their offense changed drastically when James Harden fouled out at the 4:48 mark. Prior to Harden fouling out, the Thunder focused their offensive attention on the inside game. After Harden fouled out, though, the Thunder settled for long-range shots, missing their only two field goal attempts inside of 15 feet in the last nine minutes and 48 seconds of the game.Best of the Night: Dirk Nowitzki: More from ESPN Stats and Info:
The Thunder's lackluster offense without Harden was also exposed in the pick-and-roll game. The Thunder ran 25 pick-and-roll plays prior to Harden fouling out but ran just two afterward. The transition offense also stalled, with the Thunder picking up 17 points on 14 transition plays prior to Harden fouling out. Afterward, the Thunder failed to score on their only transition play. This postseason, Harden has scored the eighth most points as a pick-and-roll ball handler and the sixth most transition points.
A huge part of the Mavericks comeback was Dirk Nowitzki who finished with his second 40-point game this postseason (both this series) and seventh of his career. After shooting 60.0 percent from the field in Game 4 and 80.0 percent in Game 1, the Elias Sports Bureau tells us that Nowitzki is the first player to record two games with 40 points while shooting at least 60.0 percent from the floor in the same playoff series since Shaquille O'Neal had a pair of games like that for the Los Angels Lakers in the 2000 Finals against the Indiana Pacers. For his playoff career, Nowitzki is 10-1 when he scores more than 35 points with his only loss coming in a 42-point performance in 2001 against the San Antonio Spurs.Give Dirk his props. Dude is awesome.
Oh and if that's not enough, Nowtizki is 48-for-50 from the free throw line this postseason including the two clutch game-tying free throws he drained with six seconds left in regulation of Monday’s win.
Jason Kidd's matador defense: Why even put a hand out there, Jason?
Kevin Durant, quote machine: "It's not over."
No it's not. It will be after Game 5, but it's not over yet.
Chris' Playoff Lacktion Report: Daequan Cook baked a gold brick worth 5.6 trillion (5:38).
Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Try to sedate your brain and consider the following: The Thunder finished last night's game with an Offensive Rebound Rate of 30.6, an Effective Field Goal Percentage of 52.1, a Free Throw Rate of 59.7 and an Offensive Efficiency of 120.4...and they lost the game.
Or maybe it's more accurate to say the Mavericks won it. And they sure didn't do it by stopping Oklahoma City. Dallas scored with the kind of efficiency that must have had John Hollinger biting his lip and silently caressing his calculator.
The Mavs shot 53.3 percent from the field -- including 9-for-23 from downtown -- and converted 34 of their 36 free throw attempts (94.5 percent). That gave them an eFG% of 59.6 and allowed them to score 130.1 points per 100 possessions.
With all due respect to Jason Terry (24 points, 8-for-16), J.J. Barea (21 points, 8-for-12) and Jason Kidd (11 assists), this one was all about Dirk Nowitzki.
From ESPN Stats and Information:
Dirk Nowitzki scored 48 points, his sixth career 40-point playoff game, finishing two points shy of his playoff career-high.I think Luc Richard Mbah a Moute needs to rewrite his scouting report to read simply: HIDE YOUR WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND ALL YOUR VALUABLES. YOU CANNOT STOP DIRK NOWITZKI.
Among active players, only Shaquille O'Neal (12), Kobe Bryant (11) and LeBron James (nine) have more career 40-point playoff games.
Nowitzki set an NBA record by going 24-for-24 from the free throw line, the most free throws made in a single game without a miss -- regular season or postseason.
He drew fouls from seven different Thunder defenders, including all five of Serge Ibaka's. Dirk went 7-for-9 when guarded by Ibaka, including 6-for-8 on post-up plays.
Combining field goal attempts and free throw attempts, the ball left Dirk Nowitzki's hand 39 times tonight; 36 of those times, it went in the hoop.
Nowitzki attempted just 15 shots, the second-fewest field goal attempts in a 40-point playoff game in NBA history.
Only Terry Porter, back in 1992 for the Portland Trail Blazers, needed fewer attempts (41 points on 14 attempts) to reach the 40-point plateau. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, his field-goal percentage of 80.0 is tied for the highest ever in a Conference finals game (minimum 15 FGA).
Seriously, Mbah a Moute said: "Dirk is a shooter, that's what he does. That's his game. So when you have a guy who shoots, you can contest his shots, you can body him up and you can take him out of his shots making it tough for him to get in a rhythm. ... You want a player like Dirk to drive all night. You want to give him the drive and make sure the help comes or try to take a charge."
Well, the Thunder took that advice to heart, and they made Dirk drive. The end result was that record-setting night at the foul line. When he wasn't doing stuff like this that is:
Said Oklahoma City coach Scott Brooks: "I thought we defended him as close as we can -- obviously, too close."
Obviously. Think about this: Nowitzki scored 48 points on 15 shots.
According to Dirk, he spent the nine-day break between sweeping the Fakers and starting the Western Conference Finals engaging in late-night shooting sessions. I'm sure he wanted to add something like "and the voodoo rites necessary to make it so I never miss another shot ever again." What? Nowitzki only went 12-for-15 from the field, you say? I'm sure he realized he'd have to miss a few shots now and then just so people wouldn't realize dark magic was involved. Probably decided that while he was washing the pig's blood off his ceremonial wizard's robe.
Said Nowitzki: "I was really looking to shoot early and was able to get my rhythm after the first couple of shots. I kept attacking and my teammates kept feeding me and feeding me and I was able to take advantage over some smaller players."
Kevin Durant -- whose 40-point, 8-rebound, 4-assist, 2-block night was completely overshadowed by what Dirk did -- said: "We can't get discouraged. He's going to make shots. He's going to make off-balanced shots with a hand in his face."
Added Ibaka: "He was hot. It's tough. You can't get frustrated. I'll watch film and we'll come back the next game."
I'm not sure Ibaka really wants to review that film. It would be like watching a home video of your own violent murder. Then Ibaka will realize he was a ghost the whole time, Sixth Sense-style. Actually, you know, that would explain a lot about his defense last night.
Memo to the Thunder: Smacking Dirk around the way you did to Zach Randolph might not work in this series. Not when he shoots free throws like this:
Said Durant: "After playing a physical series with Memphis, I think we were a little too physical with him. We have to make adjustments, be smarter. It's a learning experience, just feeling it out and seeing how we're going to play."
Russell Westbrook: Westbrook was aggressive looking for his shot and getting to the free throw line. The good news is that he went 14-for-18 at the charity stripe. The bad news is that he went missed 10 of his first 11 field goal attempts and ultimately ended up 3-for-15. And, as the AP recap pointed out, "Despite his poor aim, he had taken more shots than Durant at one point late in the third quarter, fueling the critics who say he's too much of a scorer and not enough of a distributor."
What? Because he attempted 15 shots and 18 free throws while finishing with more turnovers (4) than assists (3) despite playing with one of the league's most prolific scoring machines, who was on his way to scoring 40 points on 10-for-18 from the field and 18-for-19 at the line? Are those critics really suggesting he should have been feeding Durant instead of looking to score?
Said Brooks: "He was attacking the basket. That's what we want Russell to do."
I bet. Especially when he shoots 1-for-6 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-1 from 10-15 feet and 0-for-3 from 16-23 feet. At least he didn't jack up any threes.
Kendrick Perkins: Okay. It's official. I'm sick of Perk's tough guy act. Exactly one minute and 11 seconds into the game, he grabbed Tyson Chandler's arm while they were jockeying for position under the hoop, and then he got in Chandler's face after Durant knocked down a 15-footer. For some bizarre reason, the official called a double technical even though, as far as I could tell, Chandler didn't do anything other than stand there looking sour.
Exactly two minutes later, again while they were establishing position under the basket, Perkins basically brought his elbow through Chandler's head. It wasn't a swing so much as a push, but the refs caught this one and Perk was whistled for his second personal and had to go to the bench.
Kendrick didn't commit another foul, but he ended up logging only 28 minutes, during which the Thunder were outscored by 14 points. And yes, in case you were wondering, Perk did in fact have the worst plus-minus score of the game.
Peja Stojakovic: Peja is a shooter. He's there to shoot. Which he did, squeezing off eight shots in 21 minutes, six of which were three-point attempts. He hit exactly one of those shots. Man, it feels like 2002 all over again, doesn't it?
The Dallas D: Do you realize that, if you subtract Westbrook's 3-for-15 brick-a-palooza, the Thunder shot 54 percent from the field? The other starters were on fire: Durant (10-for-18), Ibaka (7-for-11), Perkins (3-for-4), Sefolosha (2-for-2). Oklahoma City went to the line 43 times and shot 43.8 percent from beyond the arc. Oh, and they had 22 fast break points.
If Dirk hadn't been so legendary, this game really might have swung the other way.
Dirk Nowitzki, poster boy: It wasn't all violins and roses for Dirk.
Kevin Durant's post-game fashion statement: Was he on his way to his sixth grade yearbook photo shoot or something?
Magic Johnson, quote machine: This one was submitted by Will R. of Two Middles Up. Here's Magic on Dirk's performance: "He might have three legs tonight the way he was shootin'!"
No, really. Here's video:
The Human Heat-ipede: My buddy Gauvin is a surgery nurse and recently watched The Human Centipede out of professional curiosity. His curiosity quickly turned to horror and the nearly unstoppable urge to barf. Which, of course, translated into the need to tell all his friends about the movie in exacting detail. In case you don't know about it -- and I'm not sure how any regular Internet users could have at this point -- here's a one-sentence summary: A mad doctor kidnaps three people and sews them together ass-to-mouth to create a human centipede.
This Deadspin link was provided by reader inkybreath at my By The Horns blog. Apparently, some guys made the following poster for Game 1 of the Heat-Bulls series. Security didn't let them into the United Center, unfortunately, but no amount of security could keep it off the Internet.
The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let the conspiracy theories begin:
The Minnesota Timberwolves have had the worst history of any team in the NBA Draft Lottery.The Los Angeles Clippers: But wait. There's more:
Despite finishing in the lottery in 14 of their 22 seasons, the Minnesota Timberwolves have never had the No. 1 draft pick.
In fact, after losing out on the first pick to the Cleveland Cavaliers last night, this will be the first time they've even had the No. 2 pick
The Wolves have had zero luck. In the 14 years they've been in the lottery, they have never moved up and 8 times they've moved down.
In 1992, they had the league's worst record and ended up at No. 3. Picks One and Two were Shaquille O'Neal and Alonzo Mourning
GM David Kahn said what everyone was thinking after Cavs owner Dan Gilbert sent his 14-year-old son (who has a rare nerve disorder) to represent Cleveland.
"This league has a habit, and I am just going to say habit, of producing some pretty incredible story lines," said Kahn. "As soon as the 14-year-old kid joined us, we were toast."
We assume he's only (half) joking? Though more than a few NBA fans are still convinced that the Knicks didn't win the very first Lottery (and Patrick Ewing) on an entirely fair draw.
The worst part is that the Cavs, who were stabbed in the heart by LeBron James last summer, didn't even win with their own pick. (As the second worst team, they had has a 19% chance of nabbing No. 1 overall.) They won with a Clippers pick that they got in a trade ... that had a 2.8% chance of winning. Cleveland now has two of the top 4 picks.Ah, the Clippers. No matter what happens, no matter the circumstances, they are and always will be who we thought they were. On the bright side, they got Mo Williams and Jamario Moon in the trade that sent that pick to Cleveland...
Chris' Playoff Lacktion Ledger: Nate Robinson obeyed his thirst for lacktivity by bricking thricely in 5:41 (twice from the JPMorgan Chase Tower) and taking a rejection for a +4!
Labels: 2011 NBA Playoffs, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook, Worst of the Night
In a hurry today, guys. Gotta keep it short (like a Bobcats playoff appearance).
Need a bawful gift for a kid? Today only on kids.woot.com, you can pick one or more of these bad boys for cheap (like $10 cheaper than the nba.com store).
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
All The Friday Games:
Hawks at Bucks - ESPN, 7:00pm
Bucks lead series 3-2
Bad news, Bango. The old Sonics mascot already outdid your puny 16' ladder backflip dunk with a 20' ladder backflip dunk!
However, some good news if you're a Bucks fan. (And horrible news if you're a fan of fair, competitive basketball). Bill Simmons tweets: "Best sign if you're a Bucks fan: Bennett Salvatore is tonight's crew chief. An all-time "get swept up by the home crowd" ref."
Lakers at Thunder - ESPN, 9:30pm
Lakers lead series 3-2
An elimination game for the Thunder could be interesting. Only three of their players have ever been in the playoffs before this season. Seriously, I am looking forward to this one. Hopefully the Thunder don't get cockblocked by Luke Walton.
Nuggets at Jazz - ESPN2, 10:00pm
Jazz lead series 3-2
Okay, Denver did look pretty good the other night. However, Nene is out with a hyperextended knee. Also, Jerry Sloan has coaching experience dating back to the days of showing Grog and his caveman buddies how to throw a rock inside the hole in the cave wall. That has to be an advantage.
* * *
All The Saturday Games:
Celtics at Crabs - TNT, 8:00pm
Series tied 0-0
I am greatly enjoying following LeBron's Elbow on Twitter. However, I keep waiting for him to link to this:
* * *
All The Sunday Games:
Bucks at Hawks - ABC, 1:00pm
Series tied 3-3
Jazz at Lakers - ABC, 3:30pm
Series tied 0-0
Labels: Bawful After Dark, cockblocked by Luke Walton, Dirk Nowitzki, Roddy Piper
LeBron dislikes when the spotlight isn't on him,
and poor Yuna is concerned with what's happening in that banner
Welcome, Basketbawful's loyal readers, to an exciting emasculated AHL edition of Worst of the Night! Let's just be honest here: you're damn right I watched figure skating last night. I love me some dominating performance, just like I wish for the Knicks/Bulls/Heat super team next year. Anyways, lets get to the bawful.
That game literally no one watched: It was a sports filled night, with the TNT slate of superstar suckup, a gritty USA-CAN gold medal hockey showdown, and Yuna Kim dominating her pathetic competitors with sassy yet humble confidence. (You know you love it.). Brandon Jennings scored 9 of the 'sconsin Male Deer's 13 points in the last six minites to hold off a Pacers mini comeba-...ugh, this is just depressing to talk about.
Brandon Jennings: Speaking of The Gumby, you guys have been following this rookie's splits, right? No? Check out his monthly FG% progression: 51.6%, 42.0%, 37.6%, 32.4%, to 30.3% this month. So I guess technically his 6-18 shooting performance was an improvement.
But fear not, readers! This Yung Buck rookie Euro-trotter is figuring his stuff out. Via AP, “I’m starting to learn more as I go how to take care of the ball in late situations,” Jennings said. “Fourth quarter, with three minutes or four minutes to go, I want the ball in my hands.” The mic cut at this point, but I'm pretty sure I saw him mouth that he wants more air-fives in Andrew "20-20-5" Bogut's hands.
The Cleveland Cavaliers: Although they put up a few lazy mini-pushes here and there, mostly consisting of LeBron jacking up threes, the game was pretty much over after the 1st Quarter, where the TNT mics picking up the *word KG actually says during the game very loudly* seemed to inspire the Boston team. Sadly, I missed LeBron's missed dunk due to egregious channel surfing, but was able to catch some nameless skater biff it on a triple axle. Shaq left in the 2nd with a
There's so many ways to skin this crab. The Cavs are 1-4 with Whiner "Waah I Deserve To Be An All Star" extraordinaire Mo Williams back, 1-2 since Jamison's 12 miss performance, 1-3 since the heart and soul of the team was traded, whichever.
March 21st: Speaking of trades, this would be the day Big Z can return to the Cavs. Which everyone and their mother is already talking about as an inevitability, possibly due to all sports media's contract to fellate LeBron every 49 minutes. This 30 day rule is a joke.
...
...wait what? The Cavs kept whittling away and fought back? And won by how many points? And Mo Williams played goodish? Ughhh, *KG word*-it, I'm not re-writing the above section...
The Boston Celtics: Speaking of leaving, as in leaving a 44% 3pt shooter wide open multiple times and leaving your offensive game plan to get locked down by the Cavs defence, way to score 30 to Cleveland's 58 in the 2nd half to blow the lead towards a pathetic 106-88 outcome. Now I haven't followed the Celtics as close as Bawful has, but I think they are doing someting similar to Suns style blown leads recently. Well Celtics fans, there's my inkling of sympathy for your situation. Just watching a striking contrast in effort by those Nordic Combined skiiers compared to the Celtics down the stretch could make even the least patriotic puke a little in their mouths.
But now that they actually played a not sucky opponent like the Knicks, seems like they're going to really be missing Paul Pierce. 16 4thQ points Tuesday, and 14 tonight, so I guess you could say that.
Arkansas: For losing to the LSU tigers, where former Tigers alums Big Baby and Big Geritol discussed pregame their alma matter not being winless in the SEC anymore at the Razorbacks expense. Way to fight for that dance spot.
PAC-10: Projecting just California to make it? What the hell guys.
Every skater not named Yuna Kim: You all fail. For not being Yuna. Just stop trying. This is a massacre.
The Golen State Warriors: Speaking of missing the first half of this game, maybe the high pace Warriors were too busy rooting for one of the other skating scrubs as they entered halftime behind 61-42.
...
...wait, what? They cut it to 65-56? eventually leading to a... oh they still lost. But boy, the crowd is incredible. There's no obnoxious house pop music, and you can actually feel the excitement when Curry pulled off his fakeout swoop shot, then left-handed hook in the 3rd. And when they boo, it's not shallow and angsty like Dallas or Phoenix crowds. Or maybe they're more Taco Bell'd, and just simply accept their 112-127 loss.
Says Barkley: "They're like an untalented Phoenix team". Then again, Sir Charles also claims he's leaving recreational golf for tennis. Anyways, I was curious how often the SSOL Suns gave up 127 points. Turns out, 24 times with a record of 4-20, including OT games. 18 games where 127 was reached in 4 quarters. Golden State over the same time? An uncanny 27 times with a record of 5-22. So I guess my advice to Warriors fans is, even if you end up with an All-Star loaded roster, somehow you'll still get screwed by crappy management and freak injuries.
The "Mr. Big Shot" nickname: Speaking of crappy, okay, does sinking 3s in the 3rd quarter to extend a lead still qualify you for this nickname? Ugh to everyone.
Dirk Nowitski merchandising: Oddly, this is actually pretty bawesome, in a so-far-beyond-the-donut-shaped-universe-it-circles-back-onto-itself way:
Lacktion Report: While not parsing lacktion in Element and Component scores, chris double checks that Russian judge for tonight's short program.
Chris: Before we begin tonight's ledger of lame, I would like to make a shout out to 2009's 2nd overall pick (same spot as Sam Bowie, Shawn Bradley, Stromile Swift and Darko Milicic!) Hasheem Thabeet, the HIGHEST PICKED PLAYER EVER DEMOTED TO THE D-LEAGUE.
Thabeet's career of lack (the 36th player in the Association to garner unproductivity) started on November 2nd with a 54 second Mario, followed with two more somnambulent appearances in the next four days. While he did not go completely unproductive again until February 10th, he earned 6 Voskuhls to that point.
Thabeet's fifth and final appearance in pure unproductivity so far this year was rather recent - a 59 second Mario on February 21st (which also included a +3 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl, giving him a +7 suck differential total for the season). Let's hope it's not the last time his draft bust status reveals itself in the big show!
But wait...there's more - enjoy this quote of motivation and hunger from a man whose current best night in the Association totaled a mere TEN POINTS:
Me being the No. 2 pick doesn't mean I have to go and contribute right away. There's a reason they drafted me. I just have to work hard, get better and then one day be able to answer the call.
Hey, not every 2nd overall disappointment gets the opportunity to earn one more ring than John Stockton or Reggie Miller by sulking on the bench for a championship team! Of course, instead of sulking on the bench, he'd rather Tweet from the mall, so no surprise here...
UPDATE: So this is supposedly only a ten day stint in Dakota. Like ten days are needed to see how astronomically bawful this guy is? One minute perusing the lacktion report is more than enough, I say...
Bucks-Pacers: Royal Ivey may now be in southeast Wisconsin, but that doesn't mean he's abdicated from his spot on the ledger - two fouls combined with two bricks from the charity stripe led to a +4 suck differential in 5:23!
Crabs-Celtics: In 2:50 of garbage time, the senior citizens appropriately played out the ancient fariytale of The Three Lacktators - former Knickerbocker Marcus Landry bricked twice from the Custom House Tower for a +2, while Brian Scalabrine glowed in the wake of a 2.8 trillion prize, and Shelden Williams countered a steal and block with two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Labels: Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dirk Nowitzki, ice skating, Indiana Pacers, manliness, Yuna Kim
So, it's Mardi Gras. And yet I'm stuck looking at snow for either the 11th, 12th, or 13th consecutive day (I lost count. Sigh.) Meanwhile, our head writer/editor is in a warm weather climate, drinking until most of his fine motor skills cease to function properly. No, I'm not bitter, why do you ask?
It's the first night of NBA games since the All-Star break. Let's get to it.
Bawful Trade of the Day:
Today's trade is, sadly, a real trade.
Frail Blazers receive: Marcus Camby
Clippers receive: Steve Blake, Travis Outlaw, $1.5mil cash, and Portland will be responsible for $2mil in Camby's incentives
Portland is obviously delighted to get a big man to help fill in the gap created by injuries to Greg Oden and Joel Pryzbilla (and no, Juwan Howard's mummified remains aren't a very reliable stopgap). However, this trade is just an abomination from the Clippers' point of view.
Marcus Camby did not want to be traded, and the Clippers did not inform him in advance that they were going to move him. And even worse, what exactly does LA stand to gain from this trade? A backup point guard, and someone who has been injured this season. Shouldn't a 7-footer who is a reasonable defender and excellent rebounder be a fairly prized commodity? Shouldn't you be able to set his value pretty high just by waiting a little closer to the deadline and negotiating deals between several different teams?
Oh, wait. As noted by Bill Simmons, the $1.5 million in cash "covers 55% of Sterling's racial discrimination settlement." So there you go. Now the trade makes perfect sense!
(And isn't it nice just to see Mike Dumbleavy continuing to bring us bawful entertainment even if he isn't coaching anymore?)
Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
(via Steve Nash)
Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Grizzlies: I don't give a crap about this game. I just want to see what team gets suckered into taking Amar''''e and gives him a max contract he doesn't deserve. The sooner, the better!
All The Other Games:
Heat at 76ers: Bad news: the Heat have dropped six straight in Philly. Good news? Iverson's back, so Philly can now go back to losing games.
Nyets at Bobcats: Come on, 4-49! Come on, 4-49!
Timberwolves at Pistons: I have to quote this preview because it made me laugh: "With a sub-.500 record, the Detroit Pistons find themselves in an atypical position coming out of the All-Star break. There's nothing unusual about the Minnesota Timberwolves having a losing record at All-Star weekend, though."
Knicks at Bulls: Rose is tight and sore after playing in the All-Star game while hurt, and Joakim Noah still is battling plantar fasciitis. New York is still battling a case of being the Knicks, so that kinda balances things out.
Mavericks at Thunder: Will Dallas benefit from the Caron Butler trade (which helped further turn the Bullets into a real-life version of our Null-Star team)? This is our first chance to see if it helps them remember how to play defense.
Jazz at Rockets: Rumors have Knee-Mac getting shipped to New York. I'm sure the Rockets players will be on Cloud 9 and will play their asses off in this game if the trade suddenly goes down this afternoon.
Clippers at Frail Blazers: I like how the Clippers/Blazers trade happened when the Clips were already in Portland. It saved Donald Sterling a few bucks in long distance phone charges, and I'm sure he appreciates that.
Celtics at Kings: It has now been one year since Kevin Garnett jacked up his knee and began Boston's gradual decline. Excuse me while I go drink until I can't feel feelings.
Warriors at Lakers: Ellis an Maggette both are questionable at best for this game. At what point do we have to start pulling random fans out of the stands to fill the bench for the Warriors?
Labels: Bawful After Dark, Bawful Trade of the Day, Chris Kaman, Dirk Nowitzki, Donald Sterling, Mike Dunleavy Sr.
Note: Last night at my pickup league, I suffered my 278th busted lip and what might have been a mild concussion (which might explain why I spent the next several hours feeling nauseous and woozy). As a result, I couldn't spend my usual three-four hours researching and writing Worst of the Night. Yeah, sorry. So this is what I've got: something I threw together on the way into work.
Have you taken a look at the season standings lately? The Atlanta Hawks (10-2) are the best team in the East. Out West, things are looking a little retro. And I mean retro circa 2005-06. The Phoenix Suns (10-2) have the top spot, and the Dallas Mavericks (9-3) are in second.
It doesnt make any sense. Going into the season, the Suns lineup appeared to be fatally flawed. They had traded away an All-Star center (Shaq) for two Walking Waivers (Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic), signed Steve Nash (35 years old, bad back) to an extension, and re-signed Grant Hill (37 years old, a history of debilitating injuries). Amar''''''''e Stoudemire (multiple knee surgeries, bum eye) was going to be back, but he was an incomplete player to begin with, and now he's slightly damaged goods. Leandro Barbosa's skills aren't a match for his speed. Jason Richardson is a gunner. Robin Lopez isn't half as good as his brother, Brook, and now he's out 6-8 weeks following left foot surgery. Channing Frye is a castoff. The bench -- Alando Tucker, Earl Clark, Goran Dragic, Jared Dudley, the immortal Jarron Collins, Louis Amundson, and Taylor Griffin -- probably wouldn't make a very good D-League team. No, seriously. Go back and reread the names of the Phoenix reserves. That's the kind of supporting cast that would make some people demand a trade and then freak out in a parking lot.
Meanwhile, the Mavericks looked like a team that could win 50-ish games, but they've been plagued by injuries to Erick Dampier (mystery illness), Josh Howard (out indefinitely with a sore left ankle), Shawn Marion (sprained ankle), and Tim Thomas (knee surgery). Okay, the Thomas injury has really only cost them 3-5 terrible three-point attempts per game. But the other guys...that's three-fifths of the team's projected starting lineup. Imagine if the Lakers were without Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Derek Fisher's corpse. Or maybe you switch Ron Artest with Fisher's corpse, but you see where I'm going with this.
And yet, both teams have risen to the top of the league. Why? Because Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash are playing out of their fucking minds. Statistically speaking, they aren't quite matching their best seasons...but they're coming pretty damn close. Captain Canada has had seven double-doubles, including two 20-assist games. He's shooting 50.7 percent from the field, 45 percent from downtown, and 92..5 percent from the line for a True Shooting Percentage of 63 percent. Dirk has had six double-doubles, including two 40-point games. He's not shooting as well as Nash (44/36/90), but he's actually become a clutch player. Suddenly, he's hitting buzzer-beaters (as he did against the Milwaukee Bucks on Monday) and dominating overtimes (Dirk scored 11 of the Mavs' 15 OT points against the Spurs last night). Honestly, when I was watching last night's SAS-DAL game, I honestly thought, without a single drip of irony, "Wow, Nowitzki is unstoppable."
As much sense as it's not making that the Mavs and Suns are doing so well, it makes even less sense (to me) that Nash and Nowitzki aren't being overwhelmed in kudos. Nash is getting some recognition, I guess. Both Basketball-Reference and ESPN.com have them at or near the top of their respective MVP trackers. Meanwhile, BBR has Dirk listed third and ESPN has him sixth...three spots behind Dwyane Wade. And I'm sorry, but Nowitzki has been better than Wade this season. I mean, the Mavs are still winning despite starting Drew Gooden (another castoff) at center. Let me repeat for emphasis: Drew Gooden is starting at center for the Mavericks. Dogs, cats, living together...mass hysteria!
Despite the fact that Phoenix is the feel-good story of the season -- a team left for dead against all odds is playing like the league's best team -- people are still pointing to their blowout losses to the Magic and Lakers as proof that they aren't for real (despite the fact that both games took place on the road on the second night of back-to-backs, and the Lakers game was the Suns' seventh in 10 days). The Lakers recently got their asses whupped in Denver and then lost at home to the star-less Houston Rockets despite having a couple days worth of rest. Last night, the Cavaliers got bitchslapped 108-91 by a rather pathetic Wizards team thanks in part to a LeBron James meltdown. But, for some reason, losses don't count against the Cavs and Lakers. There are excuses for both teams. The Lakers are without Pau Gasol, and Kobe has a cranky groin. LeBron hurt his left wrist trying to dunk last night, and Cleveland is playing without Shaq and Anderson Varejao.
But I've already listed the handicaps of the Mavs and Suns, so those excuses ring a little hollow. And, frankly, I don't want to hear about Kobe's groin and LeBron's wrist. I mean, Nash has been playing with a congenital back condition for years. I don't get it. When Mamba or King Crab tweak something, it's Big News. So much was made of Kobe's bum pinky a couple years back even though it never seemed to affect him. (And, honestly, it shouldn't have. As someone who has several mangled digits from years of playing pickup ball, I can tell you that bum fingers are just part of the sport.) But Nash's creaky back is treated rather routinely. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the average NBA fan probably doesn't even know about it. Let me ask you this, though. Have you ever tried to play basketball with a bad back? Or do anything else with a bad back, for that matter? My back goes out periodically, and simple things like breathing and walking become difficult. I can't even imagine playing pro ball, or performing like and MVP under those circumstances.
I can't help but feel as though, if Kobe or LeBron had a congenital back problem, it would be relentlessly crammed down our throats. Seriously, would we ever hear the end of it? Tales of their bravery would be spun into Legend.
Steve and Dirk have more MVPs (three) than Kobe and LeBron (two), and yet, amazingly, that seems to actually count against them. Nash's MVPs caused a firestorm of controversy that still gets brought up and dissected, mostly because the Suns never could get by the Spurs in the playoffs. Bill Simmons even listed Steve's MVPs in the "Bullshit MVPs" section of his new book. Dirk's MVP raised eyebrows intially and then got ripped to shreds after his Mavericks (who had won 67 games during the regular season) got upended by the eight-seeded Golden State Warriors. Yet Kobe didn't suffer the same scrutiny when, during his MVP season, the Lakers entered the 2008 NBA Finals as the favorites and yet endured what some sports writers called "a six-game sweep." During LeBron's MVP season, he took less heat for getting eliminated in the Eastern Conference Finals than he did for not shaking hands afterward.
To sum up: playoff failures count against Nash and Nowitzki. They do not counnt against Kobe and LeBron. Why is that?
It's silly, really. In the last decade, five teams have won NBA titles: the Celtics, Heat, Lakers, Pistons and Spurs. Four teams out of 30. It makes no sense to discredit a player based on whether they won a championship. Championships are team accomplishments, maybe even organizational accomplishments. I mean, do the Celtics win in '08 if Danny Ainge doesn't somehow acquire Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in the offseason? Do the Lakers win last year if Mitch Kupchak doesn't fleece the Grizzlies for Pau Gasol? And let's not forget the Shaq deal, which brought in Lamar Odom, who was a key player in L.A.'s playoff run. Oh, and we all know how well the Spurs and Pistons have been managed. (And I mean the Pistons before the Iverson-for-Billups trade.)
Meanwhile, Robert Sarver has repeatedly cost the Suns quality players by making enemies of guys like Joe Johnson and trading away first-round draft picks for minor cash savings. Seriously, the Suns could have added Luol Deng and Rajon Rondo to a cast that included Nash, Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson, Leandro Barbosa, Quentin Richardson (back when he was good), and Paul Shirley. (Okay, I was kidding about Shirley. But still.) And let's not forget Mark Cuban, who spends recklessly but let Nash walk over a few million dollars then broke the bank for Erick Dampier. And remember when Cuban traded for Antoine Walker?
Some people have claimed that Nash's MVPs were the result of racism. Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald infamously wrote: "No one who looks or plays like Steve Nash has ever been basketball's MVP. Ever. In the history of the award, a tiny, one-dimensional point guard who plays no defense and averages fewer than 16 points a game never has won it. But Nash just stole Shaquille O'Neal's trophy, even though O'Neal had much better numbers than Nash in just about every individual statistical measurement except assists, so it begs the question: Is this as black and white as the box scores that usually decide these things?" (Emphasis mine.) There were similar rumblings when Nowitzki's MVP followed up Nash's.
Remember back in 1987 when Isiah Thomas said that if Larry Bird was black, he'd be "just another good guy." And Dennis Rodman -- who's "Bird is overrated because he's white" comment inspired Isiah's faux pas -- wrote in his autobiograpy that: "When you talk about race in basketball, the whole thing is simple: a black player knows he can go out on the court and kick a white player's ass."
It's not just NBA players who think that, you know. Fans and the general public believe it as well. So it's impossible for most people to put Dirk and Steve in a special category right below the Kobes, LeBrons and Dwyane Wades of the league. Even a lot of my knowledgeable, basketball-loving buddies get more excited over a LeBron dunk or a low-percentage two-handed scoop shot by Kobe. To my knowledge, these friends have never showed up raving about a Steve Nash bounce pass or a Dirk Nowitzki rainbow jumper.
Kobe, LeBron, Wade...they look more impressive than the other two ever could. And there's something about someone looking physically dominant that's compelling. I see this happen all the time in pickup ball. Most guys would rather play with an athletic-looking black man than a pasty, undefined white guy...even if the white guy is significantly better.
Look, I'm not trying to make any grand statements about race here. Nor am I trying to argue that Dirk and Steve are better individual players than Kobe and LeBron. After all, as the folks at BBR are quick to point out, the Nash and Nowitzki have their issues on the defensive end. But they are unquestionably great. All they do -- night in, night out -- is give their absolute all and win. They've won a lot in the 2000s. No, they haven't won a championship, but that's not all their fault.
My point is: let's appreciate these guys. It's dangerous to take players for granted. Let me put it this way. I'm a Colts fan. Therefore, I hate the Patriots, and I really, really hate Tom Brady. But some time last year, Evil Ted -- who's a Patriots fan and, believe it, somewhat more level-headed than I am about the Colts-Pats rivalry -- said: "I know you don't like Brady and the Patriots, but the Colts-Patriots games are the best football you're going to see. We get to watch living legends duke it out. We get to spend the rest of our lives knowing we got to watch two of the greatest quarterbacks ever in their prime. Try to enjoy it, or you'll regret it 10 years from now."
Much as I hate to admit it, he was right. Last weekend's game between those two teams was a prime example of what he was talking about. I'm not asking you to switch allegiances or write "I Heart Steve Nash" on your Trapper Keeper. But maybe we can all stop shooting holes in what they've accomplished and pointing fingers at what they haven't...and just enjoy what they're giving us. It'll be worth remembering 10 years from now.
Labels: Dirk Nowitzki, my semi-annual Steve Nash lovefest post, Steve Nash
Update! Celtics-Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader A:
No Celtics-Timberwolves bawful? Oh Lord, speaking as a Celtics fans, let me count the fail:
Paul "Best Player in the World" Pierce goes off against the Timberwolves' "defense" to the tune of 10 points on 3-of-12 shooting. 4 of those 10 points came from superstar calls, such as when Pierce shouldered Oleksiy Pecherov in the chin and inexplicably went to the line.
Speaking of Mr. Pecherov, he apparently lost the memo that the Celtics were the Best Defensive Team Evah, scoring 24 points to lead all scorers on very efficient 9-of-14 shooting, adding 8 rebounds to the stat line. Oleksiy Pecherov. I wish I was making that up.
The Wolves, though, were not immune to the rampant suckage. Apparently deciding that home victories against elite teams are highly overrated, the Wolves decided to let Rajon Rondo go off to the tune of 14 points in the third quarter, letting the Little Big Man singlehandedly bring the flat, lifeless Celtics back into the game. I guess the first 6 points he scored weren't enough, they just had to let him tack on 8 more.
Boston, after shooting lights out from beyond the arc against Philly, lay a 5-for-19 brick wall around the Target Center. Rasheed Wallace -- whose field goal attempts were all threes, by the way -- contributed by bricking 5 of his 7. And he picked up his second technical of the season. From the bench.
And still, the T-Wolves could have won the game, if Corey Brewer -- who played a pretty good game -- understood that the best way to get a high-percentage, game-tying shot isn't to go right at Kevin Garnett. Because I hear that this Garnett guy is pretty good at defense.
The Phoenix Suns: Sure, they were missing Leandro Barbosa (sore right wrist), but the Magic were minus two former All-Stars: Rashard Lewis (suspension) and Vince Carter (sprained ankle). That should have evened things out, right? Wrong. The Suns simply couldn't keep their men in front of them, letting Orlando shoot 52 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. Phoenix kept things close in the first half, but fatigue rendered oldies-but-goodies Steve Nash (12 points, 5-for-11, 4 assists, 3 turnovers) and Grant Hill (0-for-5 for zero points, 3 boards and an assist) ineffective as the Suns lost by 22. By the way, their combined plus-minus score was -42.
Note that I called this in the comments section of yesterday's post. It's not that I don't like the Suns. I root like hell for them. But I've watched a lot of my favorite players get older: Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Kevin McHale, Reggie Miller, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Charles Barkley...so on and so forth. Even when they were "old" in basketball terms, those guys could still rip off big games and lead their teams to 50-win seasons. In fact, their teams might have won close to 60 if not for long road trips and back-to-back games. But scheduling is a bitch. I couldn't help but notice, while watching those players age, that they would struggle mightily on the second night of back-to-backs, especially on the road. Bird's Celtics and Malone's Jazz lost to some truly awful teams and got destroyed by good teams under those circumstances. On paper, with all things being equal, those teams should have been competitive every night. But all things aren't equal. Fatigue sets in. Now that I'm into my 30s, I get that in a way I never understood before. If I play basketball on back-to-back nights, I'm hurtin'. (It doesn't help that I'm one of those "dive for every loose ball" and "sprint down the floor on every possession" guys.)
At any rate, as long as the Suns rely so heavily on Steve Nash, they're going to be at their best when Captain Canada has a little rest going for him.
As a sidenote, Phoenix gave up 25 points on 18 turnovers. That didn't help.
The "We're not going to go 82-0" watch: Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "Well, dreams of an undefeated season have gone down."
By the way, Dwyane Wade joined the "We're not going 82-0" club yesterday via his Twitter page. Thanks to Basketbawful reader gf for the head's up and the pic:
Stan Van Gundy, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We don't let people bang on them like that." Van Gundy was actually talking about how his team defends perimeter players like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.
Vince Carter: He looks a little too happy to be not playing...doesn't he? By the way, nice fucking suit, but I feel sorry for the homeless guy you mugged to get it.
Gilbert Arenas: The Agent formerly known as Zero scored a team-high 32 points, but he went 9-for-27 and missed six of his eight three-point attempts. He also blew two crunch-time plays: losing the ball on a layup attempt with 17 seconds left and tossing a lob pass off the rim at the end of the game. Of the latter play, Gil said: "It hit the rim. That's it. It's not rocket science -- it hit the rim." And see, that last quote is the real reason I'm including Arenas in WotN. He just become so joyless these days. Sure, sometimes his clowning around seemed counterproductive to winning, but it was also part of what made him so much fun to follow and watch. The league has enough grim and depressing heroes. I miss the old Gilbert Arenas.
DeShawn Stevenson: Speaking of goats in Washington Wizards uniforms...DeShawn shanked two free throws with 44 seconds left, after which Dwyane Wade knocked down the go-ahead jumper.
Mike James The Amityville Scorer started 50 games for the Wizards last season. This season, he has five DNP-CDs in five games.
The Detroit Pistons: You know what I love? When, early in an NBA season, a team pulls out an improbable win and therefore generates buzz it probably can't live up to. That's what happened the previous night when the Pistons -- minus Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton -- beat the Rashard Lewis-less and Vince Carter-less Magic in Detroit (thanks in part to some pretty serious home cookin'). Well, a change in venue didn't agree with the Pistons last night. In Toronto, they were outscored 44-28 in the second quarter and that was pretty much the game. Ben Gordon, who had a season-high 30 points, said: "Needless to say, you let anybody in the league score that many points and it's going to be tough to counter that. It seemed like every possession they got a good shot or got to the free throw line. It's tough to win like that, when you're not really stopping them at all. They're either going to get a good look or get some free throws."
The New Jersey Nyets: Folks, when you watch the Nyets, you may be watching the worst team in professional basketball. And I'm including the pro clubs in countries like Kerplackistan. Yes, yes, I know they were minus Devin Harris (groin strain) and Yi Jianlian (right knee sprain), and I also know they were playing a team on fire (the Denver Nuggets). But 28-point home losses give everyone The Sad. The biggest lowlight of the game was when the Nyets were outscored 44-26 in the third quarter. Said Eduardo "Yes, I'm still in the league" Najera: "Every game, including the preseason, we struggle in the third quarter. I don't know what it is but we have to figure it out. We can't come out every third quarter and basically let the other team do whatever they want." True, Eduardo. But, then, you can't really stop them either...because you guys suck. I'm just sayin'.
Fun fact: The Nyets are off to their worst start in franchise history, matching the 0-5 mark of the 1996-97 squad. HISTORIC FAIL.
The New York Knicks: Going into last night's game, the Pacers were winless and, frankly, looked hapless. But nothing acts like an antidote for crappy play quite like a trip to the Big Apple! In an ugly game that featured a combined 6 fast break points (4 for Indy and 2 for New York), the defenseless Pacers held the Knicks to 39 percent shooting. How can this happen to a team coached by Mike D'Antoni, a.k.a. "The Man WHo Made Steve Nash"? I mean, the Knicks went without a field goal for the final nine-plus minutes last night. That's some serious offensive fail for such a genuis of offense.
Said David Lee: "Our problems in this game started and ended on the offensive end. We talk a lot about our defense, but our offense in the second half, for us to shoot under 40 percent isn't a good sign." Added D'Antoni: "For whatever reason, it seems every time we get stuck or whatever, instead of having a little more determination or patience, we just jack one up and that kind of got us in trouble in the second half." I thought just jacking one up was the D'Antoni Philosophy at its most crystalline. Oh well. For the record, Chris Duhon, who supposedly became nearly as good as Nash under D'Antoni last season, finished with 10 points (4-for-13) and 6 assists.
Dirk Nowitzki: How did Der Blond Bombermeister do last night against defenders not named Mehmet "The Prop" Okur? Here's how: 12 points, 4-for-15 shooting, 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 6 fouls. So can we please all just calm down about that 29-point fourth quarter against the Jazz? I could probably score 29 points in a quarter if I was being guarded by a Turkish statue.
Jason Terry and Juan Jose Barea: The Mavs had a 97-94 lead over the Hornets with 10 seconds to go. And they could have clinched the game had Terry and Barea been able to connect on a free throw. However, Terry missed a technical free throw and Jose Barea missed two more foul shots, setting up a game-tying three-pointer by Stojakovic (who had been 0 for 5 from long range before that by the way). Dallas then went on to lose in overtime. Said Terry: "It's a lost opportunity. We showed a lot of heart and a lot of determination. The key things we talk about all of the time and the little things ... free throws, getting out on shooters and fouling when we are up three. Those things are what championship teams do. Obviously, we're not there yet. We'll learn from this." Wait, wait, wait...hasn't this team been to the NBA Finals? Hasn't your point guard, Jason Kidd, been to two more NBA Finals? Yet you guys need to learn to hit foul shots, get out on shooters and not foul when you're ahead? Really?!
Ron Artest: Bottom line...he's still crazy. Here's some prose from the AP recap of the Lakers-Rockets game:
Artest guarded Ariza from the opening tip, and the two were immediately jawing at one another. They earned offsetting technical fouls with 9:11 left in the first quarter.Poor, poor, poor Ron Artest: the most persecuted man in the NBA. By the way, Ron, trying to put your hand around someone's neck? That's called "reacting." Just, you know, FYI.
At one point, Ariza said Artest tried to put his hand around Ariza's neck.
"I don't have hard feelings," Ariza said. "It was emotional, I guess you could say."
Artest said he thought about giving Ariza a hard shot, but backed down for fear of a fine or a suspension.
"You know if somebody hits me, I'm going to react," the famously temperamental Artest said. "I got hit with about three elbows. It's just not fair. I don't want to fight, I don't feel like doing it. If you throw an elbow into Ron Artest's chest, do you know who you're hitting?
"But I give up, I just give up," he said. "I'm not fighting anymore. You could elbow me, smack me, use me as a punching bag. I'm not reacting anymore, I'm tired."
Derek Fisher: Can't believe I missed this one, but 49er16 didn't: "In the Lakers game, Derek Fisher some how played 34 minutes and recorded no points, assists, or rebounds. He did pick up two fouls and two steals."
Update! Trevor "Arizona": From NarSARSsist: "No love for Trevor Ariza, Bawful? In this first A-A meeting between he and Artest, he was absolutely desperate to stick it to his former teammates. The problem is, he was gunning so poorly that I couldn't help but wonder if the Lakers did it to plant a mole in the Rockets. The Rockets did nab 17 offensive boards, so maybe he was just serving up some KBAs learned from his old pal MambaKobe (in fact, 9 of those shanks resulted in offensive rebounds). It's just amazing to me that with five teammates shooting 4/10, 5/12, 7/15, 7/9, and 9/12, he opted to just jack up shots like crazy. Sure he made the game-tying 3PT in regulation, but you know, had he been serving up real assists instead of KBAs earlier, the Rockets might have, you know, won? Thank you, Ariza, for helping the Lakers win yet another game."
The Memphis Grizzlies: The Golden State Warriors have officially exited the ranks of the NBA's winless teams, thanks to a victory over the Grizzlies. Memphis got strangely efficient shooting from Allen Iverson (8-for-12...off the bench!), but there was no defense to be seen or heard as Golden State shot 54 percent from the field and 58 percent from downtown.
Now here's where I go on a rant. It's not secret that NBA teams circle games against inferior defenses and go into those games with an attitude that, "Hey, I'm gonna drop a season or career-high on these guys." I've heard and read countless anecdotes to that effect. But you know what you rarely ever hear or read about? Guys going into games against poor, inefficient or undisciplined offenses and saying, "We're gonna lock their asses down." That happens with teams like Boston, Cleveland and San Antonio...and that's about it.
The Warriors are one of the least disciplined offensive teams in the league. Yeah, they can drop a lot of points, but usually only on the unprepared or unwary. If I was facing the Warriors, I would take delight in shutting them down. Wouldn't that attitude lead to a decent handful of wins every year, even for sad sack teams like the Griz?
Lacktion report: Chris continues to work harder on lacktion reports than many NBA ballers work in the games.
Pistons-Raptors: DaJuan Summers seasoned up his Excite Bike cartridge with the Game Genie, for a glitchy 40 second Mario!!!!
Suns-Magic: Jarron Collins took down one board in 12:24, only to foul twice for a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl.
Heat-Wizards: Dominic McGuire's streak of suck came to an ignominous end tonight with a DNP-CD, but teammate Javale McGee provided a walking, breathing analogy for the biggest industry in the nation's capital, missing a shot for a +1 suck differential in 8:16.
Celtics-Wolves: Brian Scalabrine has returned to his tobacco-friendly ways, serving as the human victory cigar in a rather close match by fouling once for a +1 in 3:50. On the other end of the court, Minnesota's Wayne Ellington elegantly conducted a song of securities tonight, earning himself a 3.9 trillion.
Lakers-Rockets: Despite a board, David Andersen earned a Voskuhl of 3:1 due to three fouls and a brick in 5:51.
ALSO, in comments, Rich Muhlach writes:
"Hey Chris, dunno if you watched the Lakers vs Rockets game last night but former Laker Brian Cook did enter the game during a free throw (if I remember correctly, it was when Chuck Hayes fouled out) and the commentators were even saying something like he was a former Laker a few years back. But then after the free throw, he was subbed out again. That's why the box score reads DNP-CD, coz he never actually got playing time. But what do you call that Mario of getting sent into the game during a dead ball and getting subbed out again before the clock even starts?"
Rich, I think Mr. Cook here has just powered up his Wii for the greatest Super Mario Galaxy in the history of the Association. But is "Super Mario Galaxy" vast enough to describe what Rick Adelman just created last night!? Stay tuned.
Dan B. chimes in...
"A dead-ball situation Mario, so short that it doesn't even register on the game clock... maybe we should call it a Luigi since it's like a Mario, only less relevant?" Promising suggestion right there, man...
Mavs-Hornets: Quinton Ross got a stock tip from Mark Cuban and returned from the boilerroom with a 2.5 trillion. Meanwhile, Hilton Armstrong checked into the chamber of contribution with a steal and an assist in a 6:35 stay, only to foul twice and brick thricely for a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Hawks-Kings: Although the purple paupers were reduced to poverty by the birds from Georgia, Paul Westphal made sure to provide as much lacktion as he could. Desmond Mason had a barrow on Market Boulevard but didn't bring home wealth, instead fouling once for a +1 in 3:24 while Sean May provided the Maloofs' their inspiration for the evening with a 5.85 trillion.
Grizzlies-Warriors: Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet turned the rock over twice and fouled once for a +3 in 3:51, also good for a 3:0 Voskuhl. Trey Gilder sprinted on RC Pro Am for a mere 42 seconds, leading to a Mario.
Labels: DeShawn Stevenson, Detroit Pistons, Dirk Nowitzki, Gilbert Arenas, Jason Terry, Juan Jose Barea, Memphis Grizzlies, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, old teams, Phoenix Suns, Stan Van Gundy
In honor of Francisco Garcia's physioball nightmare, I have updated my original dumb injuries post into an official Hall of Shame post! Because laughing at stupid injuries never gets old.
Update! Did I miss one? Provide a story and citation, and I'll add it to the list!
Amare Stoudemire: On February 18, 2009, STAT suffered a partially detatched retina in his right eye against (of all teams) the Clippers, which caused him to miss the rest of the season. That doesn't sound all that dumb until you consider that fact that Stoudemire injured that same eye earlier in the season and was told he'd probably need to wear goggles for the rest of his career. Only Amare soon stopped wearing the goggles...and, well, you know what happened.
An unnamed Timbersolves fan: On February 26, 2006, during a game against the Memphis Grizzlies, a frustrated Kevin Garnett (then with the Timberwolves) launched a basketball into the Minnesota crowd and pulped an unnamed fan's face in the process. Garnett was ejected (and later fined $5,000) and the fan was wheeled out of the Target Center on a gurney (during which the other fans booed him). According to a friend, the fan missed work the next day. Added that friend, "He is a victim, not a villain. ... He was not mad for a second at [Garnett]. He's mad at anybody who portrayed it that way. ... He's embarrassed about the whole thing. The only thing he's angry with is how the crowd reacted to him." (Thanks to Basketbawful reader Story for the reminder.)
BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]
Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]
Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.
Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.
Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.
Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.
Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.
Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.
Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract.
Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)
Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.
Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."
Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.
Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.
Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.
I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.
Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...
Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.
Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.
Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm. While lifting weights. On a physioball. No, really. Said Garcia: "'Just a regular day, lifting weights. I was out there, on the PhysioBall. We've got an understanding that the exercise was good. We'd been doing that, and it exploded on me. I didn't have time to react or anything. It's crazy, man. I keep reflecting in my head. It's crazy."
George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]
Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]
Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.
Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.
Jeff Hornacek: Here's a good one from Marc: "You need to include Jeff Hornacek for tripping over a rake during the break the Jazz had between the 1998 Western Conference Finals and the NBA Finals. He had to get seven stitches. If Horny would have been full strength the Jazz would have won the title. Or so I tell myself every night." Finally a reason for everybody to get off of Karl Malon's case!
Here's the full story: "During the 10-day layoff between the Jazz's sweep of the Lakers in the Western Conference finals and the start of the NBA Finals against the Bulls in 1998, Hornacek tried to stay busy by doing household chores. While maneuvering a heavy ladder over and around the cars parked in his garage, he stepped on a rake, causing him to fall and drop the ladder on his head, opening a large gash. He yelled to his wife, Stacy, who rushed out and found him lying in a pool of blood. 'Blood was everywhere,' she said. 'I thought he was dead.' He was only mostly dead. Seven stitches closed the wound."
Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.
Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)
Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"
Jermaine O'Neal: BadDave nicknamed him "The Drain" because of his propensity for getting injured. And it all began back in December of 200, when he got injured...by a sneeze: "Jermaine O'Neal may have an NBA first: Injured while blowing his nose. The pressure on the sinus caused the Indiana Pacers center's right eye to swell last week, leaving him with blurred vision. He played only 10 minutes at Boston on Friday night, then logged 38 minutes in Saturday night's overtime victory over Charlotte despite the limited vision. 'It was an old nose injury plus sinus problems,' O'Neal said. 'When I blew my nose it made a small hole in my sinuses.'" (Thanks to thebigticket.my for the head's up and the link.)
John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Over the course of his 162-year NBA career, Kareem broke his hand twice. But that wasn't just the law of averages in operation, folks. Both injuries were cases of extreme dumbosity. From Kareem's Wikipedia page: "While remaining relatively injury-free throughout his NBA career, Abdul-Jabbar twice broke his hand. The first time was during a pre-season game in 1974, when he was bumped hard and got his eye scratched, which angered him enough to punch the basket support stanchion. When he returned, after missing the first 16 games of the season, he started to wear protective goggles. The second time he broke his hand was in the opening game of the 1977-78 season. Two minutes into the game, Abdul-Jabbar punched Milwaukee's Kent Benson in retaliation for an overly aggressive elbow. He was out for two months."
Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.
Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off the court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.
Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]
Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.
Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!
Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.
Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.
Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.
Luc Longley (again): Back in the 1999-00 season, Luc got stung the the scorpion...and I'm not talking about the Spider-man villain: "The runaway winner for injury of the year goes to Phoenix C Luc Longley, who was stung twice by a scorpion while sitting on the floor at his home sorting through his CD collection -- once on the foot, once on the buttocks. 'If I was unable to play,' Longley said, 'I'll be the first player ever to have DNP-ass bite on the box score.'" Oh how I wish that would have happened. (Thanks to goathair of the Blowtorch -- great, great site, btw -- for the stinging reminder.)
Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.
Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.
Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.
Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.
Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."
Pat Riley: As the NarSARSsist pointed out, back in January of 2007, while his NBA champion Miami Heat were falling apart around him, then-coach Pat Riley had to take an indefinite leave of absence after having surgery on his right knee. The cause? Nobody's quite sure, but he had apparently kicked a locker room door following a loss in Chicago the previous week. While that kick hadn't caused the problem, it certainly exaccerbated it. Allegedly. Riley still never has admitted to kicking that door. Said Riles: "What I do in the locker room really has always been my business." Here's what Alonzo Mourning had to say: "Typical Riles. All the years that he's coached me I've seen him tear a lot of things up." As always, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Pervis Ellison: From Roger Williams: "In his second to last season with the Celtics, Pervis 'Out of Service' Ellison missed the entire season after dropping a table on his toe while helping then teammate Greg Minor (he of SI cover story fame) move to a new apartment." Yep. It happened.
Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.
Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.
Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)
Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.
Slobodan Jankovic: From chris: "This ain't NBA, but it is (no pun intended) mind-numbingly dumb: 'Published: May 1, 1993. A Serbian basketball player was reported to be improving yesterday after spinal surgery to repair a neck injury suffered when he slammed his head into a concrete block in anger at a referee's decision. Doctors at KAT Hospital in Athens said Slobodan Jankovic, a 30-year-old center, may recover use of his arms and legs as a result of the operation late Thursday. Jankovic rammed his head against a cement support of the basket after being called for a fifth foul that put him out of a semifinal game in the Greek championship playoffs on Wednesday night. The blow fractured his neck, damaged Jankovic's spinal cord and left him paralyzed from the waist down.'"
Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]
Tracy Murray: Courtesy of Damon: "Don't forget the Tracy Murray / Rod Strickland 'he's gay!' dispute, which led to a Get Shorty-style punch that left Murray with seven stitches. From Sports Illustrated: 'Rod Strickland vs. Tracy Murray, 1997: Murray told a lady friend, who was tape-recording the conversation, that he thought Wizards teammate Strickland was gay. The woman then replayed the words on Strickland's answering machine. Later that day, a few hours before a game in Charlotte, Strickland knocked on his teammate's hotel door. When Murray answered, Strickland landed a haymaker to Murray's left eye. Murray needed seven stitches to close the wound; both players were fined $25,000 by the team. In addition, the girlfriends of both players were reportedly upset by the reports linking their men to the tape-recording woman.'"
Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]
Labels: Brad Miller, Charles Barkley, Corey Maggette, Darko, Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowitzki, Drew Gooden, Eddy Curry, Monta Ellis, The Official Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame
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