The Boston Celtics: For a half, the Celtics looked like they just might steal Game 2 in New York. They shot 50 percent (8-for-16) in the first quarter and 61 percent (11-for-18) in the second. And during that second quarter, they limited the Knicks to 4-for-17 shooting and led by as many as nine points (48-39). It honest-to-goodness looked like coach Doc Rivers had made all the defensive and offensive adjustments necessary for his team to win.

Labels: 2013 NBA Playoffs, Boston Celtics, Brandon Jennings, Denver Nuggets, Milwaukee Bucks

So, guys, if you had predicted that South Beach would've held the aging, fragile C's to only 32 points after halftime...and that Game 4 would come down to a final shot in which Dwyane Wade was covered by Marquis Daniels...and got an open look at the arc...


You wouldn't have expected this outcome, would you?

Coming off the heels of Rondo missing one of two free throws (and notice how he never runs across to help Marquis Daniels out!), not long after a Mickael Pietrus rebound sequence which burned about 50 seconds off the clock...against all odds, we have ourselves a new series!


We also have, for the first time, King Crab fouling out in a Miami uniform:




And pure class from Boston's assist machine:

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Boston Celtics, Dwyane Wade, Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron James, Marquis Daniels, Miami Heat, Rajon Rondo

So yeah, the Clippers AND Lakers are finished, with only one 2nd round game win (from the Lakeshow) between the two squads.  Who knew coming into this spring that...the ONLY sport being played past mid-May in downtown Los Angeles would be...Los Angeles Kings ice hockey?!

To quote Bawful himself from a text message at 11:41 PM in his time zone: "Bye, Kobe."

The speculation over Pau Gasol's future - hey, wasn't that a linchpin of the initial CP3 trade talks - begins anew.  The final day of Laker basketball in Year One of the Mike Brown Era involved the newly christened "Indiana Ron" encountering the Temple of the Reputation Call, one even getting Mamba T'd up...and one Russell Westbrook fluke that will be remembered by Zombie Sonics fans for decades to come.
The Clippers?  After blowing a 24-point lead in Game 3, they got edged out (again at home) in the series-closer...so, with the recently pinkslipped Stan Van Gundy available, who knows how long the Notorious VDN will be cruising down the hallways of Staples Center.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: 





Sure, turnovers being handed out by Philly faster than a Pepperidge Farm outlet, that was the big story of Boston's comeback...that and the surprising emergence of Brandon Bass, what with 27 points to lead the C's to the series lead.

But the Sixers still had the scoreboard advantage, 57-53, midway through the 3rd.  That's when The Truth laid out a clear path armbar foul on a breaking Andre Iguodala.


Wrong.



Two bricks later, the momentum turned in favor of the Celtics for good.  Was that really the pivotal moment in Game 5?

Why don't we ask Iguodala himself, after his eight point, 3-of-10 from the floor performance -

“It seemed to be the turning point for us,” Iguodala said of missing the two clear-path foul shots. “That’s the way the game goes sometimes. "

Woops.

LACKTION REPORT
Lakers-Thunder: Josh McRoberts jacked up a final brick this season in 98 seconds for a +1, while Andrew Goudelock, Darius Morris (despite an assist) and Troy Murphy had 58 seconds of Smash Brothers action as MARIO TRIPLETS!

For Oklahoma City, Daequan Cook heated up one piece of nougat-covered masonry in 315 seconds for a celebratory +1, while Lazar Hayward went all in against Jerry Buss with pocket aces and came away 1.6 trilion (97 seconds) richer.

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Boston Celtics, oh those poor Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Ron Artest, Sad Mamba, the Lakers are DONE

So the Orlando Magic, they of the missed playoff free throw variety, have been done for a few days.

Never fear, for our fill of free throw fail was provided by...


lacktion artist Omer Asik...

and...


nearly-hero Al Horford of the Hawks, whose momentary lapse of concentration (seen at 2:44 of the above clip) bailed Marquis Daniels and the Celtics out!  Woops.

The Association: where charity stripe hijinks deciding not one, but TWO playoff series happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, free throws, Omer Asik, oops baby, Philadelphia 76ers

Okay, does LeBron look more like a 'tard...
...or an Orc from The Lord of the Rings?
The Boston Celtics: It didn't really happen during the regular season. Not consistently. But it's happening now. Right before our eyes. I'm talking about the fulfillment of Pat Riley's vision. And by "Pat Riley's vision" I'm actually talking about Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade and LeBron James getting together and deciding to join forces on one superteam.

Now that it's playoff time, there's no holding back, no "For me, 44 minutes is too much, I think coach Spo knows that." In fact, LeBron played 44 minutes last night. D-Wade and the Boshtrich both logged around 40. Those three combined for 80 of their team's 102 points. As a three-man unit, they attempted 55 of cHeat's 75 shot attempts and 32 of their 36 free throw attempts. The Nazgul were +10 in FTA versus all 10 Celtics who saw PT.

I was listening to ESPN's Mike and Mike this morning. Their contention was that James and Wade beat the Celtics with jumpers. And, yeah, LeBron went 2-for-4 from downtown. But he went 2-for-7 from 16-23 feet and D-Wade was 0-for-5 from that zone (and 1-for-3 on triples). By contrast, they were 10-for-13 at the rim and 16-for-21 from the free throw line.

According to ESPN Stats and Information: "Dwyane Wade and LeBron James scored 48 of their 63 points (76.2 percent) at either the foul line or inside of 15 feet of the basket on Tuesday. For the series, the two All-Stars have combined for 83 points from these locations."

The free throw line. That's where the cHeat are winning this series. Miami won Games 1 and 2 by a combined 20 points. In those two games, the Floridians have a 68-40 advantage in attempted freebies. That's not to say that the officials are handing this series to the cHeat. I'm not trying to draw that conclusion. I am saying that Boston is struggling to keep King Crab and Pookie out of the paint and off the charity stripe. The Celtics are lacking in both interior defense and toughness right now. This, more than any other time, is when they're missing Kendrick Perkins.

But, really, I'm not sure Perk could have turned the tide. This is what Riley and cHeat fans banking on: Two of the NBA's top five players being virtually unstoppable at the same time. Before this season, the Celtics never totally shut down either of them, only slowed them down. Dealing with both simultaneously is proving impossible. Again, maybe if they had a second indomitable big man closing down the painted rectangle...but they don't.

Said Wade: "I believe in my ability, but it's very hard to win [alone]. Having another guy, with Chris [Bosh] as well, that takes over games is a burden off of you. We can come at them as a team."

Added LeBron: "In the past, I knew that if I didn't bring my A-game, there is a pretty good chance we weren't going to win. Having guys on the court that can take over the game, that takes a load off of you. That is the vision I had during the free-agent period when I decided to come."

What can the Celtics do?





Yes, the forearm in KG's chest helps.
Said Glen Davis: "Their stars are being stars. Wade and James are willing their way to the win."

Added Boston's head cheese Doc Rivers: "Nothing we can do about it. We've got a third game and we've got to take care of that. Whatever the past is, it is. They've won two games at home. But we can't allow them to play like this, or it's going to be tough at our place."

Ray Allen, quote machine: "Being down 2-0 doesn't scare any of us, doesn't make us nervous. It's just an opportunity to come out shining."

The Memphis Grizzlies: You know what? I kind of want to give the Grizzlies a "Best of the Night" even though they lost Game 2 of their series 111-102. I also want to give a lot of credit to Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol even though they combined for a miserable 5-for-22 shooting night.

Here's why: The Thunder got a lot of latitude from the officials in this game. That may sound strange considering the fact that Memphis had a slight edge in free throw attempts (34-33). And, yeah, Oklahoma City was sizzling at the rim (17-for-23) and from beyond the arc (8-for-14). Plus, the Thunder shut down the paint, limiting Memphis to 42.4 percent shooting at the rim (11-for-26). Oh, right, and James Harden (21 points, 5-for-9, 11-for-11)? Where did that come from?

Here's what I was meant by the "latitude" comment. The Thunder did everything they could do to knock the hell out of Gasol and Randolph. They grabbed and shoved. At one point, Z-Bo had his arms locked by two OKC players. Zach's response? After he got free, he nodded and patted them on the ass. At another point, for no reason whatsoever, Perkins dipped his shoulder and ran full force into a stationary Gasol. Marc's response? A "Fucking really?" eye roll and nothing more.

That kind of stuff went on all night, which is a big reason why Randolph went 0-for-5 at the rim. Hell, Gasol pulled a page out of his big brother's book and didn't even attempt a shot at the rim. The paint became a butcher's shop. And make no mistake: That benefitted the Thunder. For further proof, Memphis finished with a playoff-low 34 points in the paint.

Amazingly, despite the exceedingly rough play, the Grizzlies never lost their composure. Never backed down, either, fighting to the very end.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "It was a classic desperate team, more aggressive team. I say the desperate team usually wins, and they were the desperate team in their play, which was a sense of urgency and aggressiveness. They came out and attacked."

Attacked. That's the right word...because many of OKC's defensive plays looked like muggings. I wouldn't be surprised if Randolph got back to his hotel room and found his wallet missing.

Said Gasol: "It's going to be a physical series and it's going to be long. We didn't think it would be easy."

Added Hollins: "We just didn't have enough fight in us."

They also had too many buttery fingers. The Griz gave up 20 points off 16 turnovers. Those miscues got the Thunder out and running...they would finish with 17 fast break points.

Said Hollins: "You can't turn the ball over and play good defense at the same time. It just doesn't work that way."

No, it doesn't, Lionel.

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Report: Nenad Krstic klutzed one shot attempt in 11:19 for a +1 while Von Wafer produced a gold bar worth 2 trillion (122 seconds).

Labels: Boston Celtics, Memphis Grizzlies, Worst of the Night

The San Antonio Spurs: I already covered the death of the Spurs here and here. That 61-win season was a fantastic last gasp for the Duncan era. But Zach Randolph slammed the window shut.

R.I.P.

Tim Duncan, non-quote machine: Basketbawful reader Zach B. sent in this non-quote which, as he put it, works on so many levels: "Duncan left the court five days after turning 35 for what might have been the last time, not that he said anything to his teammates."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Before Oklahoma City opened the second round with a Game 1 loss at home to the Grizzlies, Thundermania had been building to a fever pitch. It's actually been building ever since they acquired Kendrick Perkins from the Celtics. After all, Perk was supposed to be the elusive "final piece" that would push the Thunder past the Lakers and into the NBA Finals.

Right?

Only, last time I checked, Oklahoma City is going to have to make it to the Western Conference Finals before they get a shot at L.A. And that might not happen.

Zach Randolph may see to that.

I never thought I'd type those words outside of some sort of hostage situation. Nor did I ever think I'd be cutting and pasting anything like the following quote into a Basketbawful post. It's from Kevin Durant. About Randolph.

"You can't stop him. You've got to make them shoot tough shots like he's been doing, but if he's making them, he's tough to stop. He's an animal."

Durant also believes Z-Bo is "the best power forward in the league."

Replied Z-Bo: "I've got to agree with that. Thanks, KD. I appreciate that."

I am still on planet Earth, right? Third rock from the sun?

Randolph continued: "I've felt like I don't get a lot of respect I deserve. It's nothing personal or nothing. I just try to come out and be the same player, consistent during the regular season and during playoffs. I just try to be this way all the time, play my way all the time, and not be up and down. The good players be consistent and stay consistent, not just playoffs but during the regular season, also."

Added Thunder coach Scott Brooks: "The one thing that I admire in his game is he's relentless. He's always playing the game. You just know that the loves the game. We have to do a better job of controlling him and making him miss some shots.
It's not going to be easy, and we know that going into it, and we knew that going into this game. He scores, and he scores in bunches, and we have to do a better job with that."

I'm not on Earth anymore. I can't be.

I may be way off here, but it may be time for NBA teams to wake up and smell the reality. The Lakers won the last two league championships not because of how awesome Kobe Bryant is. They won because they have two quality big men to throw at people. And, frankly, that's why they're going to beat the Mavericks in that second round series. Thanks to David Stern's "touch me not" legislation, perimeter players have dominated the league the last half dozen years or so. To the point that GMs haven't been assembling dominant frontcourts like the old days.

Except for the Lakers, that is. They have back-to-back titles to show for it. Now the Grizzlies have one, too. And they have become a nightmare for their opponents.

Make no mistake. It's not just Zach, though. Randolph was awesome -- 34 points, 12-for-22, 1-for-1 from downtown [!!], 9-for-9 from the line, 10 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 assists -- but the presence of Marc Gasol (20 points, 9-for-11, 13 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 blocks, 1 steal) means that Oklahoma City's defense can't key in on Z-Bo. Not with another kickass big roaming the paint.

Memphis won the rebounding battle, hauled in 17 offensive boards and scored 52 points in the paint.

That said...let's not count the Thunder out just yet. This could be an aberration game. After all, according to ESPN Stats and Information, Gasol and Randolph went 11-for-15 on shots from 10 feet and beyond. That's a conversion rate of 73+ percent. Against the Spurs, they went 20-for-50 (40 percent) from 10+ feet.

What's more, Memphis surrendered a mere 8 points on only 8 turnovers, while scoring 23 points off the 18 turnovers committed by Oklahoma City.

The hot outside shooting by the Grizzlies' big men and disproportionate turnover margin won't happen every night. Of course, the one night it did happen may turn out to be enough. We'll see.

Kendrick Perkins: The Thunder traded him to dominate the paint and shut down opposing big men, right? Amiright?

Russell Westbrook: Westbrook's line looks great -- 29 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists -- as long as you don't include the 9-for-23 shooting, 7 turnovers and 5 personal fouls. When one player barely wins the turnover battle against the entire other team, you know somebody's got the butterfingers.

The Boston Celtics: Dwyane Wade was super hot -- 38 points on 14-for-21 shooting plus 8-for-9 from the line -- and his production was most definitely not the norm. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

Wade shot 6-for-11 from 15 feet or farther in Game 1; his six field goals from that range were two more than he made in his previous four games against Boston.

During the regular season, Wade had the lowest field goal percentage of the 69 players who attempted at least 15 field goals from at least 15 feet against the Celtics.

You know what? That's fine. Superstars catch fire. It happens. I can forgive that. Especially when LeBron James and Chris Bosh are held to 11-for-29 from the field.

What I cannot forgive is Boston's defense on James Jones. JJ exploded off Miami's bench to score 25 points on 5-for-7 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. Yes, that's right. In a game featuring Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen...James freakin' Jones had a game-high in FTA.

I'm so not on planet Earth. Where the fuck am I?

According to ESPN Stats and Information, Jones set the cHeat franchise record for points off the bench in a playoff game. What's more, he went 4-for-5 on threes in the second quarter, tying Miami's postseason record for three-pointers in a single quarter. Oh, and get this: He launched all seven of his FGA without taking a dribble. And he was unguarded on six of his seven attempts. And all five of his makes. Nice rotations, Celtics.

Said Ray Allen: "There's so many things we need to do to get better. I think everybody in that locker room knows that, just from a small conversation we just had."

Jeez, no shit, Ray.

Bottom line is this: Boston can't afford to get beaten by Miami's roleplayers. That's what happened. In the first half, cHeat coach Erik Spoelstra benched LeBron and Wade at the same time, which is ultra-rare. Jones ended up leading a 9-0 run. And Jones ended up outscoring the Celtics bench 25-23. Man oh man, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Still, cHeat fans shouldn't feel too confident. The Celtics played like ass -- Boston's bigs were 13-for-32 in the paint and got seven shots blocked, Rajon Rondo played only eight minutes in the first half due to foul trouble, and Paul Pierce got ejected (see below) -- and still cut a 19-point lead down to 90-82 with 4:22 left. And it was Rondo's careless passing (four TOs in six possessions down the stretch) that killed any hope of a comeback.

But the comeback was a distinct possibility.

I say that the Celtics will play much better in Game 2. Of course, it may not matter, because they may be without the services of...

Paul Pierce: Yes, Pierce's ejection has caused some angst around these parts, no doubt about it. Here's my take.

With 7:58 remaining, James Jones committed a flagrant foul on Pierce. Wasn't called a flagrant, which happens sometimes, so you just have to live with it. Only Pierce couldn't or wouldn't live with it, going face to face with Jones and then head-something-ing him. Was it a headbutt? A headbump? A facerub? I'm not sure what to call it. I do know that Zaza Pachulia was recently suspended one playoff game for what the league felt was a headbutt on Jason Richardson.

You can't do that, Paul. You're the team captain. You can't get a technical when you're team is trying to make a comeback -- your free throws cut the lead to 10 and there was plenty of time remaining -- and you can't do something that could risk suspension in a playoff series versus a real championship contender. I understand your frustration. I would've been pissed, too. But you've won a championship, Paul. Been the Finals MVP, even. You know better than that. You do.

Less than a minute later, Pierce was setting a pick on Wade, who lowered his shoulder and tried to blast right through Pierce's pick. Yeah, Pookie could have (and probably should have) been called for a foul on the play, but the nearest official didn't have a clear view and, frankly, probably wouldn't have made the flagran call Doc Rivers wanted anyway. Not in Miami. That's the reality of playing on the road in the playoffs, Paul. You're not new to these games. You know better. Or you should. Instead you said something inflammatory with referee Ed Malloy standing, what, five feet away?

Crew chief Danny Crawford said: "And in the rulebook, that is a verbal taunt. And it just so happened to be Pierce's second technical foul."

For the record, Crawford also said: "He approached Jones and got right in his face. There wasn't a head-butt, but he got right into his face after a hard foul."

Crawford's statement might save Pierce from a suspension, if only because Stern hates to contradict his officials. But, as much as I understand why Pierce was upset, I have to agree with ESPNBoston's Jackie MacMullan: "It was an appalling development for the team captain and supposed leader, who, instead of helping Boston scratch back from a deficit that was as high as 19 points, lost his composure and was forced to watch the remainder of the game from the locker room in disgrace."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Oklahoma City Thunder, Paul Pierce, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Weekend, Zach Randolph

"Wait, don't pass it to Jeffr...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I hate my life."
The New York Knicks: This should've been a blowout, right? Chauncey Billups was in street clothes because of a strained knee and Amar''''''e Stoudemire logged only 18 minutes because of back spasms. As a result, Roger Mason was pulled out of mothballs and Jared Jeffries ended up playing clutch minutes for the Knicks.

That wasn't part of the plan.

But for the most part, none of that mattered, because Carmelo Anthony activated Beast Mode and nearly beat the Celtics single-handedly. Afterwards, Charles Barkley said Anthony had one of the greatest playoff performances he had ever seen. And man, I have to admit, it was up there.

'Melo tied his career playoff-high for points (42) and set a new career high for rebounds (17) while dishing out 6 assists and blocking two shots. He played 44 minutes and went 14-for-30 from the field, 4-for-8 from downtown and 10-for-11 from the line.

I know that 14-for-30 number may not look super impressive. It's not even 50 percent. But the degree of difficulty on some of those shots was off the charts. It's not like the Celtics weren't playing good defense. They absolutely were. I mean, the Knicks shot 35.6 percent as a team and bricked 17 of their 25 three-point attempts. And believe me, guys were contesting Anthony's shots. He just wouldn't miss. With 2:36 remaining and the game tied at 88-88, 'Melo went body-to-body with Paul Pierce, bounced off him and drilled a three with a hand way up in his face.

There's no defense for that.

Actually, you know what, that's not true. There is a defense for that and Boston coach Doc Rivers finally went to it: Aggressive double-teaming. Make somebody else beat you. And with 19 seconds, it almost happened, as Jeffries broke free for a layup that gave the Knicks a 93-92 lead.

A clutch bucket from Jared Jeffries? Yes. It happened.

The Celtics came out of a timeout and posted Garnett on Jeffries. New York's defense seemed to expect KG to pass back out to Pierce or Ray Allen. Or maybe the Knicks D just sucks. Whatever the case, Garnett easily backed Jeffries down and tossed in a hook shot to put the Celts back up one.

Honestly, the Knicks probably wanted KG taking that shot. He was 5-for-15 at the time and has a history of, uhm, testicular shrivel in crunch time.

Said Garnett: "I wasn't really in a nice rhythm. I just remained calm, went to a shot I knew I could make."

Admittedly, it's probably easy to remain calm when Jeffries -- and not Stoudemire -- is guarding you. Actually, it's probably easy to remain calm when either guys is guarding you, since neither of them can guard anyone. Anyway.

After a New York timeout, Boston's double-teaming tactic once again forced 'Melo to give up the rock, which went to Jeffries under the basket. Unfortunately for the Knicks, Jeffries was at a bad angle to attempt a shot, so he tried to dish to a cutting teammate. Physics being the bitch that it is, the pass couldn't phase through Garnett's hands. Both players went down but KG had possession and called timeout.

Jared fucking Jeffries.
Said Jeffries: "When I caught it my initial route was there, but I felt like KG was coming and closing down. I should have went ahead and shot the ball."

After the break, the ball was inbounded to Delonte West, who was fouled and hit both freebies. New York's final shot was a three-ball by Bill Walker, who channeled his inner John Starks and finished the night 0-for-11.

In fact, for the night, Knicks not named "Carmelo Anthony" combined to shoot 18-for-60 from the field. I'll save you calculator time and tell you that works out to a 30 percent conversion rate. Which would be a great batting average. Shitty shooting percentage, tho'.

Boston's rebounding: The Celtics really did play excellent initial defense...even on Anthony. But the Knicks absolutely killed them on the offensive glass. New York ripped down 20 offensive boards, and those second chances kept them in the game as much as 'Melo's heroics did.

New York's interior defense: Rajon Rondo, not exactly an offensive force, scored a team-high 30 points. According to ESPN Stats and Information, 22 of those points were scored inside five feet. Which mean's layups. According to the ESPN play-by-play, Rondo had 11 layups. He has six of those in the first quarter alone, and he scored three straight layups in the fourth.

Which forces me to ask the following question: If you know a guy can't shoot jumpers, why not lay back and, you know, force him to shoot jumpers?

Bill Walker: In 33 minutes, he went 0-for-11 from the field, including 0-for-5 from beyond the arc. Oddly enough, he finished with the best plus-minus score (+10) on his team. Meanwhile, none of New York's starters had a positive plus-minus. 'Melo was -5.

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "The Celtics didn't do anything special. They won two games on their home court. Now it's our turn to go to our home court and try to do the same thing."

The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds were once again tormented by Dwight Howard (48 minutes, 33 points, 19 rebounds, 2 steals, 1 blocked shot) but managed to put the clamps on his teammates. Dwight was 9-for-12 from the field. His support staff went 18-for-64, which means they played even worse than 'Melo's backups.

DWIGHT SMASH!
DWIGHT SMASH AGAIN!
But, despite holding the Magic to 34.6 percent shooting (including 5-for-23 from long range), the Hawks could not capitalize. They didn't help their cause by shooting 39.5 percent or going 7-for-20 on threes. Or getting outrebounded 52-39 and giving up 20 offensive rebounds. That was key. According to ESPN Stats and Information:

On the season, the Magic ranked 16th out of 30 teams in offensive rebound percentage, grabbing 26.1 percent of their missed shots. On Tuesday, the Magic grabbed 43.5 percent, their fourth highest mark of the season. After being down six points after the first quarter, the Magic took a 12-point lead into halftime, due to their ability to create extra opportunities and never trailed thereafter.

Another huge difference was Orlando's 36-17 advantage in free throw attempts. As usual, Howard got most of his squad's opportunities (19). Not as usual, he actually knocked down 15 of them. And, as a team, the Hawks were worse at the line than Dwight (11-for-17).

Ryan Anderson, possibly inflammatory quote machine: "Atlanta's a team that if things aren't really going their way, they're going to struggle a little bit. We're different in a sense where if we're down we kind of know how to fight our way back into it."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "There's no matchup for him that creates the excitement. If you got back to when the centers were king, you have Chamberlain-Russell and people say 'Wow, that's a matchup you look forward to.' Now people look forward to Chris Paul against Derrick Rose. ... People have played good games against Dwight, but still, where's the anticipated matchup?"

Joe Johnson: The line: 14 points on 6-for-15 shooting. Remember: The Hawks will be paying him $25 million in 2015-16.

The Portland Frail Blazers: After the Blazers lost Game 1, I said they'd be fine as long as they didn't 1) let Jason Kidd shoot them down again and 2) allow Dirk Nowtizki to get a zillion free throws and do another fourth quarter ravaging of their defense. And, to be perfectly honest, it seemed inconceivable both of those things would happen again no matter what Portland did.

I mean, I thought it was about as likely as a Greg Ostertag comeback.

Well, then. Kidd went 7-for-11 from the field and 3-for-6 from downtown, finishing with 18 points and 8 assists in 33 minutes. Meanwhile, Dirk went 15-for-17 from the foul line and scored 14 of his game-high 33 points in the fourth quarter. In fact, Nowitzki scored the Mavs' final 11 points. Portland started the final 12 minutes down by a single point. After Dirk went all Mega Shark on them, they ended up losing 101-89.

And here I predicted another annual playoff choke.

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned yet how Peja Stojakovic returned from the grave, scoring 21 points on 8-for-13 shooting (5-for-10 on threes).

Not being able to defend Nowitzki, that I can understand, but not being able to stick J-Kidd or Peja? Those guys were legally declared "immobile" two years ago.

Memo to the Blazers: Dirk is going to score no matter what you do. Getting a hand in the face of the guys who can't move might be a better bet.

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Ledger:

Knicks-Celtics: Nenad Krstic collected a pot of gold worth 3 trillion (2:59).

Hawks-Magic: Jason Collins claimed a free throw and board in 18:55 as starting big man for the dirty birds, while fouling thricely for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Hilton Armstrong checked into the ledger by countering a board with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:1 Voskuhl in 6:33.

Orlando's Quentin Richardson bricked and fouled in 12:39 for a +2.

Frail Blazers-Mavs: Looks like Brandon Roy doesn't like being lacktive, having gone a frustrating +4 in 7:59 via three bricks (two from the charity stripe) and a lost rock.

Meanwhile, fellow infirmary resident Armon Johnson snagged a board in 0.3 seconds at the end of the first half for a non-lacktive SUPER MARIO GALAXY!!!!!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night

It's tough to watch such a thorough beat down of your favorite team, and even tougher to write about it afterward. So, with Bawful needing a break from a "How about those crappy Celtics?" post, it is left to me to handle the duties. So...

How about those crappy Celtics?


A left arm frowny-face tattoo is gonna look so bad. Sniff.

I had the (honor / misfortune) of actually being there (my dad came into town to treat me and my oldest son to the game) and I must say, it was a pure end-to-end crap fest from a Boston fan's point of view. Games like that are tough to interpet: How much of it was the Celtics' being flat, uninspired, not wanting to get injured, and disinterested because it's not a playoff game, and how much of it was that they were simply outclassed?

If you have the game on DVR, check this out:
There's a play that occurs just before the time out with 2:49 left in the first quarter where I think Jeff Green actually thinks he's on defense during an offensive possession. I can't confirm it - it's a close call, but I swear for a good second or two, he's actually trying to stay with his own defender. Seriously. For me, that's the only part of the game that stands out - that's how bad the Celtics were.


This was last night's rebounding:
Bulls aggressively ripping the ball away from...other Bulls.

News flash:
Derrick Rose is a beast. There were at least five plays on which the entire United Center crowd collectively twisted in their seats and threw up their arms like an entourage at a slum-dunk contest. He is the MVP, entourage homie hands down. I got into a little argument with my dad that went like this:

Evil Ted Creator (ETC): "The Bulls offense is great."
Evil Ted Creator Spawn (Evil Ted): "Well, Derrick Rose is great. The rest are good, solid role players."
ETC: "That's ridiculous. A team isn't 1 player and 4 players. It's five players."
ET: "Well, Rose is both and amazing scorer and facilitor, and if you take him off this team, it's mediocre."
ETC: "Again, ridiculous. The fact is, Derrick Rose is on this team, so you can't take him off it like you have in this fictional situation of yours. He's on it, and the offense is great."
ET (lower lip quivering): "I'm just saying..."
ETC: "As your father, I have deemed your opinion crap. My advanced years are irrefutable proof that I am correct and you are an ass. Write that in your buddy's little blog."
ET (sobbing): "Maybe...I...will."
ETC: "Go get me a hot dog...mustard, relish, onions, and Evil Ted tears on it."
ET: "I'm your son. Could you just call me Ted?"
ETC: "No. Tonight you're evil. Begone."

So if you're wondering where I get my edge from, there ya go. But I'll just work through that in therapy. Let's get back to the game...

Aaaaanyway, when a team like the Mavs give up 110 points, we at Basketbawful like to write "_allas Mavericks" to indicate a lack of D. But there's no "D" in Boston Celtics, and maybe it's appropriate that you don't have to alter their name have an absence of "D." The Celtics' Defense was abyssmal, and Rose's mastery in the lane is no more certain indicator that the Celtics will need both O'Neals healthy to make a deep playoff run.

Half time tribute to Scottie Pippen:
Bulls announcer Neil Funk introduced John Paxson, who introduced Scottie Pippen and his family, who were on hand for the unveiling of a bust of...what I can only assume is Scottie's cousin dressed in a Pippen jersey.


Scottie's Cousin Snottie

UPDATE:
D. Highmore commented: Is it wrong that the first thing to pop into my head when I saw that Pippen bust was the video for Lionel Richie's "Hello"?

At first, I thought "Is that what Lionel Richie looked like at the time?" And then I realized "Hello" was that video about the blind girl student who sculpts the face of her adoring perv teacher out of clay, and says: "This is how I see you." So fitting, D. Highmore, well done. The Pippen statue, and the student's scupture, and the music video itself all have one thing in common: being simultaneously well-intentioned and yet very, very creepy. The clay likeness of Lionel Richie rears its ugly head, literally, at the 4:56 mark, but I recommend watching this vid in its entirety for full spine-tingling impact:



Anyway, Scottie made a classy, albeit brief and generic, speech. So good for him. Being immortalized (or at least your cousin being immortalized) is awesome by any standard. Speaking of which, if any of you are sculptors, I'm looking to commission an Evil Ted bust to be unveiled this summer at LarryLand.

As for the second half, it was barely worthy of discussion:


The red hairy one played the entire fourth quarter.

It's really depressing to be at a game and realize "Well, at home, this is about the time I would turn off the TV and go do something else," but not be able to do so.

Then there's the inevitable bathroom stop after the game, and being subjected to random "Boston Sucks" and "Fuck Boston" shout outs. I wasn't wearing any Celtics regalia at the game, and generally avoid doing so. Outside this Web site, I'm not big on drawing attention to myself, particularly when said attention could result in fisticuffs with a drunken fan of an opposing team. I just smile, high five, and silently wish a slow, painful death on those around me - standard stuff.

It will be interesting to see if the Celtics have another gear for the playoffs, like they did last season. They're a veteran bunch, and the playoffs are a different animal, but by all accounts, this should have been a game where both teams were in a playoff mentality, trying to send a message to the other in anticipation of said playoffs.

Last night, both teams sent a message, but only Bulls fans went away satisfied by what they heard.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls

UPDATE: To all you Kevin McHale lovers out there...I spent my formative years in Boston during a time when you didn't have the full basketball story until you heard it from, first, Larry Bird, and second, Kevin McHale. In the 80's, reporters would flock to Larry, and then Kevin, after a big game. And Kevin never disappointed. So my Kevin McHale expectations are pretty damn high. Doesn't mean I don't like him. It means I expect a lot from him. After being a front office guy for so many years, the relaxed, easygoing, shoot-from-the-hip McHale is now stiff and uncertain in front of the camera. He is not the KM I adored lo so many years ago. I think he has the potential to be great (much in the way that Barkley is great, or in the way Conan O'Brien, who in his first year as a talk show host was awful, became at ease in the limelight, and turned his tall, angular frame into a comedic asset rather than a freak-show detriment). Yes, I'm making fun of Kevin, but it's just tongue-in-cheek. Stay cool, my babies, as Conan would say. My criticism comes from love, and the sincere hope that he can return to being what he once was.

Ok, enough of this smarmy love letter. On to the Live Blog.

*********************

Here's your Kevin McHale-style intro to this live blog:
Let's play ball, folks!

Commentators: Kevin Harlan / Kevin McHale

When did Kevin McHale (heretofore referred to as the “personality drain,” and “KM”) become uncool? I remember like 25 years ago he did some promotional appearance at Bank Five in Arlington, Massachusetts, and there was nobody there to see him. I could have talked to him for an hour, but I was a doofy teenager and didn’t have the nerve, and didn’t have anything to say. Now I feel like Kevin and my “something to say” roles are reversed:

His opening analysis? “Both teams want to win this game tonight.” Brilliant.


God, I still wish I had found the nerve to chat with him 25 years ago, or at least managed to build a time machine so that my 40-year-old self could chat it up with him. Oh, well, today’s Kevin will have to do. One thing I did gain from doing this live blog is the realization that he can be funny and enlightening if you:
- Squint really hard.
- Pay close attention to what he says, then immediately disregard it and make up your own commentary.
- Imagine Bill Walton in his place.

1st quarter

11:05 – Pierce gets called for his first foul for letting Tony Parker run into, and fall onto, him.

10:50 – KG jumper rattles in.

10:11 – KG gets called on a moving pick on Ginobili, who “sells it well” according to the personality drain. McHale points out that Ginobili was voted second-best flopper in the league. I saw that in my Sports Illustrated, so Kevin only gets a ½ point for “enlightening comment.” Number one vote getter in that flop contest? Derek Fisher. True enough, but Ginobili is still the most creative and versatile flopper, and he has the best flop video dedicated to him.

9:20 – Pierce tries to go up for a weak dunk off a rebound. Duncan stops the shot effortlessly, making Pierce look like a runt amateur.

8:54 – Glen Davis with a nice little 8-foot hook shot. The C’s would be dead without his ability to play taller than he is. And his ability to exude emotion that goes way beyond what is necessary.


7:43 – Rondo hits his second consecutive jumper. Wow. Are the planets aligned or something? Moon full?

Celtics 15 – Spurs 15

Jermaine O'Neal is in the game. Apparently he’s 12 pounds lighter to keep the extra weight off his knees. This may not seem like much, but I recently learned that every pound lost supposedly takes 4 pounds of weight off the knees. Seems like BS – not sure if it’s true, but it sounds good. I was watching some cable show called HEAVY about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight (did you know one-third of all shows on TV are now about morbidly obese people trying to lose weight? True fact), and the doctor told this enormous woman that very thing. Maybe he was just feeding her lines to make her feel better (and because she needed to be fed something). The doctor said something nice to her to encourage continued weight loss, but it would have been so awesome if instead he said something like “You’ve gone from 375 pounds to 345 pounds, Melinda. So before, it was like you were carrying the weight of the Eiffel Tower on your knees, but now, it’s like you’re carrying the weight of a...well...slightly smaller Eiffel Tower.”

Unintentionally dirty KM line of the evening: “I’m excited about O’Neal’s shape.”

4:28 – Parker slices through some we-can’t-play-defense-because-Perk-is-gone-even-though-he-was-injured-most-of-the-season-anyway-and-well-really-we’re-just-using-it-as-an-excuse-to-conserve-energy-and-limp-into-the-playoffs Celtics’ defense.

Spurs 21-17

3:32 – George Hill 3-pointer.

3:06 – Delonte West jumper. Can almost imagine him saying “I’m contributing!” in an over-excited, Downs Syndromy voice.

2:27 – Parker drives, gets foul call. KM is calling him “the best guard finisher since Nate ‘Tiny’ Archibald.” Is KM looking to compete with Bill Walton for the crown of King of Overstatement?

1:50 – Pierce follows a Rondo miss with an aggressive rebound between two spurs, hits the shot, foul call. Pierce asks for new ball to free throw, because it’s wet with sweat. KM provides a wonderful things-most-people-can’t identify-with comment: “Get my golf towel.”

:42 – Rondo with great, hanging up and under layup. KM comments that Rondo is “the best guard finisher since Tony Parker.” No he didn’t. Just kidding.

2nd quarter

11:11 – Ginobili three pointer

Spurs – 36-31

8:56 – Jeff Green follows his own miss. Teammates collectively give him a nice-shot-but-we’re-still-mourning-the-loss-of-Kendrick-Perkins look.

Movie ad Alert: The dragon-and-flagon comedy Your Highness. What is promising: Danny McBride is in it. Not Promising: “From the makers of Pineapple Express.” Marketers are actually using this as a selling point? Did they see Pineapple Express? I did. In the theater. It was a Date Night movie, and I picked it. Paid money and everything. When it was over, I had to look at my wife and say, simply, “Sorry.” So I would revise the ad to say “From the makers of Pineapple Express, but don’t worry – they learned from it, and this is way better, and not 20 minutes too long.”

6:35 – Ginobili makes KG look silly, faking a pass inside around KG’s right flank, turning KG full around, and hitting a layup over him. KM calls it the “Larry Bird Okeydoke” – and says “I always used to fall for that in practice.” I’m starting to realize what KM has decided his commentator “thing” is – self-deprecation. This will come up again later.

4:56 – Rondo goes coast to coast – then gets T’d up for “excessive hand gesturing.” Question: can you give a ref the finger and get the same call? Because I think flipping the bird would really be getting your money’s worth.

4:37 – Nenad Krstic pokes the ball from Duncan. Apparently, he can, in fact, play defense…against old men.

2:19 – The Lord giveth (in the form of Jermaine O’Neal), and the Lord taketh away. Krstic goes down with mysterious, disturbing no-contact knee injury. The other Celtics show zero emotion about the loss. There is a brief shot of Rondo on the bench twisting a needle into the knee of a Nenad Krstic Voodoo doll. I think this development could actually be good for the Celtics – with all their depression over losing the well-liked Perkins, is it helpful to have him replaced by a big, balding, European who plays mediocre defense, good offense, and can hit his free throws? He’s like the anti-Perkins, and a constant off-putting reminder of the trade. Krstic and Perkins are complete polar opposites, alike only in that English is their second language.

Half – 49-49

Halftime comment: My appreciation of Kevin McHale automatically rises ten-fold at the sight of brand new TNT commentator, Rick Fox. His slicked back hair and annoying good looks scream L.A., and yeah, I know he was a Celtic for a while, but he was overrated, and always had that God-I-wanna-play-in-LA look about him. And what kind of world do we live in where appearing on Dancing with the Stars is an effective springboard to career rejuvenation?Although I must admit, I love you, Ralph Macchio.

3rd Quarter

10:58 – Parker drives the lane and finishes for what seems like the tenth time. I’m starting to think his guy is the best finisher since Tiny Archibald.

9:08 – Glen Davis rebounds Allen miss, hits patented undersized-but-somehow-can-finish layup.

Unintentionally dirty KM quote #2: “That was a nice rim-run by Davis.”

8:20 – McDyess leaves with what appears to be an ankle sprain.

7:31 – After great Rondo finish, Parker right back for an And One, getting the foul call on Glen Davis.

6:34 – Bonner hits his second three in a row.

Spurs – 65-61

5:08 – Rondo defensive rebound, full length pass to Green for a lay up.

4:10 – Rondo jumper falls. Startling to see Rondo nailing outside shots. It’s like watching a panda juggle. 67 apiece.

3:45 – Rondo coast to coast, layup under Bonner’s armpit. KM calls it the “Right Guard shot.”

3:12 – Rondo jumper. KM proclaims: “It’s the Rondo show.” This is the same man who essentially said that it’s not a problem that Rondo can’t hit jumpers, because defenders lay off him and give him better looks at driving and passing lanes. Interesting theory, but Rondo is showing that actually hitting jumpers is kind of an effective tool for a guard to have.

1:46 / 1:17 – Jeff Green hits two difficult, contested lay-ups, shows why the Celtics wanted him. He has 8 points…4 of 6 from the floor.

Shot of Rondo sucking wind and drinking water on the bench after carrying the C’s for several minutes.

:14 – Ginobili makes nice move for lay up. KM calls it the Euro-step, which is essentially a side step that looks a little like traveling. KM’s self-deprecation rises from the ooze. “I’d pull a groin if I tried that.” And then adds that if he were an official, he’d be a crap one: “I’d call a travel on that all the time.”

4th quarter

McDyess is back.

Celtics – 79-70

10:40 – George Hill gets called for being out of bounds. He’s out by a foot. KM leans on the self-dep: “Even I coulda made that call and got it right. I’d be a bad ref too, by the way.”

KM notes they’ve put Ginobili on Rondo to put some size on him.

9:46 – Ginobili snakes in for a nice floater. KM: “It's almost Manu time.”

9:15 – Glen Davis and KG lock arms make a giant, football-style wedge screen for Rondo to shoot. KM says: “Look at the big green wall!” and he’s not even at Fenway. Who’d a thunk the C’s would be working to get Rondo to take a jumper?

Celtics – 86-78

7:44 – Allen hits big three. Big for him, as he’s been terrible tonight.

Celtics’ Defense is picking up. Must be the absence of that distracting anti-Perk European dude.

5:15 – Another Rondo jumper. 22 points, 0 turnovers. Not a typo. 0.

4:32 – After Glen Davis jumper to make it 93-81, see a brief glimpse of what appears to be the sexiest Celtics fan ever. Rewind DVR…not as good as I thought, but I was fooled by the form fitting lady-version Celtics jersey. Lady Jerseys. Best. Invention. Ever.

4:20 – Tim Duncan rises over Big Baby, who isn’t big enough to stop a grown man. KM states: “Big Baby did everything he could, besides grow.” Funny. Yay, old-style Kevin. Duncan has 9 in the quarter. Swallows a fly on one of his jumpers.


4:00 – KG jumper, which is deadly tonight – he’s 7 of 9

2:52 – Pierce drives, misses, rebounds own miss and puts it in. Big play.

2:19 – KG money jumper. Celtics: 99-90

1:46 – KG money jumper: Celtics: 101-92

Unintentional dirty quote from Harlan: “What a stroke for Kevin Garnett!”

1:29 – Rondo to Big Baby for reverse lay up. Celtics: 103-92. Game over.

Duncan called for goaltending. Game overer.

1:24 – Rondo shooting freethrows. KM calls it “Hack a Rondo” time. But Rondo doesn’t touch the ball from this point.

Rondo 22 points, 14 assists, 0 turnovers, 5 rebounds.

The game sign off sounds a little like an Airplane movie bit:

“Good working with you, Kevin.”
“Good working with you too, Kevin.”
“We have clearance, Clarence.”
“Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?”
“Tower's radio clearance, over!”
“That's Clarence Oveur. Over.”
“Over.”
“Roger.”
“Huh?”

Update:

This Division III guy is only 3 inches taller than me. Talented bastard. After his youtube dunk vid went viral, he proceeded to win the NCAA dunk contest. Props, homey.



Oh, and this mass hysteria happened. Hate everybody's behavior in this vid...Blake doing his best Manu Ginobili impression, Terry not letting it go, Barnes being one serious street thug who needs to be in every altercation. After the game, a guy in the parking lot was arguing with a hot dog vendor about the cost of a weiner, and Barnes went out and got involved in that too:

Labels: Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, Live blog, San Antonio Spurs

Gordon Hayward explores the possibility of a transition to football if this whole basketball thing doesn't work out
Real life has (unfortunately) interrupted my ability to track all the insane trade deadline action this year. (Boston's moves alone would have required four hours of typing I think) I'll let you guys talk about it in the comments. But in the meantime, I WILL share this with you: an amazing letter Dr. Dre wrote to his then-girlfriend/now-wife back in 1995. (Via Jamie Mottram) All I know is that I wish I was bad enough to end a letter "Wish I was up in that ass."

Oh, and congratulations Memphis. You have managed to be even more bawful than I ever could have dreamed. Way to miss the trade deadline while updating your Facebook and Twitter feeds, guys.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Javale McGee's weak shit = OUT OF HERE.

No matter how bad things get, at least I'm not a Generals fan

Aha! So it IS true! Marc Gasol is really just a giant pufferfish in a basketball jersey!

This pretty much sums up why this blog exists

The result of Carmelo eating a Caramello

Bryan Colangelo didn't respond well to being made fun of earlier today by us

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Bulls, TNT, 8pm: Hey Bulls players, please play some defense before Tom Thibodeau pops a blood vessel and/or his voice gets any more hoarse.

Celtics at Nuggets, TNT, 10:30pm: Watch out, Celtics. The Nuggets are finally ready to play -- they've acquired Kosta Koufos!!!

Also, trading away Kendrick Perkins means two or three fewer moving pick violations per game. So that's nice. Too bad the rest of their money-saving trades are like getting a Tiger Electronics handheld game instead of a Gameboy.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Boston Celtics, trade deadline

Pictured: A guy who went 1-for-7 from the field last night.
The Boston Celtics: After the Celtics had an offensive meltdown in Chicago last Saturday -- on a night in which the Bulls outrebounded them 48-27 -- Paul Pierce said: "They wanted it more truthfully. They got all the loose balls. They attacked it."

That's the Truth. The Bulls did want it more. The same could be said of the Houston Rockets last night. The result was the same, a loss for the Celts, this time a 108-102 setback in Boston that dropped them out of first place in the Eastern Conference.

And, really, that's the biggest things the Celtics miss without Kevin Garnett. It's not the scoring or the rebounding or even the defense. It's the manic desire KG has to win every game. It's contagious. Without him, the Leprechauns have a tendency to coast against lesser teams.

The Rocketeers definitely qualify as a lesser team. They entered the game 16-21 overall and only 6-14 on the road. Meanwhile, Boston was 28-8 and 16-2 at home.

Didn't matter. Didn't matter that Houston was without Yao Ming, Brad Miller and Kevin Martin. Didn't matter that Rajon Rondo had 12 assists, or that Ray Allen was icy-hot (19 points, 8-for-13, 2-for-2 from downtown), or that Marquis Daniels provided a big spark off the bench (19 points, 7-for-8, 7 rebounds, 2 steals and an assist). Didn't matter that the Celtics outscored the Rockets 48-22 in the paint, either.

Houston won the rebounding battle 38-31 and shot nearly 53 percent from the field (including 10-for-20 from beyond the arc) against the league's best FGP defense. (Although, minus Garnett, that stat could be a bit spurious.) They scored 58 points in the second half.

Doc Rivers is justifiably worried about his team starting to coast. After all...it's only January.

Said Doc: "I've got to somehow figure out a way of getting them to see the urgency of the whole season, and not the single game. Playing Game Seven on the road ... and not just in the finals, if you make it there, but in the playoffs, in the East, which is going to be difficult. This year's not like last year, where you can coast. If you don't have home court this year, you could go home."

So if you were wondering whether Rivers has been coaching for the league's best record, the answer is yes.

According to the AP game recap, "Paul Pierce...sat at his locker after the game, still in his game shorts, staring at a stat sheet before crumpling it up and tossing it on the floor."

That's an unhappy Truth.

Said Pierce: "These games mean a lot. We have to put our hard hats on and take advantage of it. It has to come from everybody. They have to look at themselves and ask themselves, 'Are we giving enough as a team?'"

In related news, Pierce went 5-for-12 and finished with more fouls (4) and turnovers (2) than rebounds (3) and assists (2).

By the way, the last time the C's lost at home was to the Kevin Durant-less Oklahoma City Thunder. Another home loss was to the Cavaliers...right after beating the Heat in Miami. So maybe getting fired up for lesser teams in a problem regardless of whether Garnett plays.

Said Rivers: "This game had nothing to do with Kevin Garnett. It's a mental mindset, and it starts with me."

Wait..."mental mindset"...?

If I was playing, I would own you. Totally own you. Hard.
The Memphis Grizzlies: Ah...a classic example of scalpers night off. The official attendance for last night's Care Bears-Bobcraps game was 10,188, but that figure is based on tickets distributed. In reality, there were about 1,000-ish fans in Time Warner Cable Arena.

Matt Carol, who was supposed to throw a free-t-shirt into the crowd, said: "I was looking around and I couldn't find anybody. So I said I was going to throw it up to a zone and see if somebody can get it."

I can think of no better quote to describe Charlotte's current offensive philosophy.

Anyway, as much as I would love to blame the lousy matchup for the lack of warm bodies in the stands, the sparse crowd was actually the result of a "snowstorm" that hit the area. Or, as Basketbawful reader The Other Chris put it:

Also about 12 people showed up to the Charlotte game, it probably snowed two inches in North Carolina and every got a case of giant flapping vaginitis... either that or they remembered how terrible Charlotte is.

Said Stephen Jackson: "We knew we had a job to do, that's come out and play and get a win regardless. You can't expect everybody to come out in this weather and drive."

Especially to see the Grizzlies get blown out.

Memphis actually won the rebounding battle 48-40 -- their total included 17 offensive rebounds -- and outscored the Bobcraps 58-28 in the paint. The Care Bears racked up another 17 points off 18 Charlotte turnovers.

Unfortunately, the Griz missed 33 of their first 42 shots, managed only 31 points in the first half, and fell behind by as many as 23 before losing 96-82.

Mike Conley shot 6-for-17. Rudy Gay was 5-for-16. O.J. Mayo went 1-for-8. Memphis shot 39 percent as a team. Yep. I'd call that an offensive fail.

By the way, I think it's fucking adorable as hell how excited people are getting over Charlotte's 5-2 record under Paul Silas. Let's see, they've beaten the Pistons (12-25), Cavaliers (8-29, Timberwolves (9-29), Wizards (9-26) and Grizzlies (17-21). And their only road outing in the last seven games was in Minnesota.

As always...just sayin'.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "We took bad shots, missed them. They took good shots, made them. That was the game."

Stephen Jackson, quote machine: Did they give up on Larry Brown? Um, yes.

"It's kind of like losing a team. Nobody wanted to play no more," Jackson said. "Everybody wanted to play a different style than we were playing. We didn't agree with what was going on. Obviously, it wasn't working, so we needed a change. We had to figure something out..."

"We're younger and we have to play a little faster," Jackson said. "The makeup of the team is different and I think now with Paul (Silas) as coach the young guys have more confidence to go out there and play basketball and not worry about coming out of the game."

"You can't blame Coach Brown because we have to play the games," Jackson said. "But at the end of the day, when you make a change like that it has the domino effect of getting everybody up and loving the game. It's definitely worked so far."

The phrase "inmates running the asylum" comes to mind. You know, it wasn't too many years ago when LeBron James, er, the Cleveland Cavaliers fired Silas with 18 games to go in the regular season. The Cavs were the fifth seed at the time.

At the time, LeBron said: "You could kind of tell the way the air was, how things were going around here, there was going to have to be a change." Translation: I wasn't happy.

Then-GM Jim Paxson said: "We're 64 games into the season and we still don't have a consistent rotation, substitution pattern, those type of things. We didn't see that changing." Translation: LeBron wasn't happy.

I'm just sayin'...the Bobcraps are all happy now. But just wait until they start losing again. We'll see how happy they are then.

The Detroit Pistons: Despite being one of the league's worst offensive teams -- they rank 25th in PPG (95.2) and 23rd in Offensive Rating (104.6) -- the Pistons scored 55 first half points against the Bulls. That feat is more impressive than it may sound. After all, Chicago has been holding opponents to about 91 PPG in the United Center this season. And they had been giving up only 82.5 PPG over their last six home games, which included three games in which their opponents scored fewer than 80 points.

What's more, despite being one of the league's worst defensive teams -- Detroit ranks 25th in Defensive Rating (110.2) -- the Pistons held four Bulls players scoreless. That's four out of 10. And starter Keith Bogans managed only three points on one measly field goal.

At the end of the first half, Detroit had a 12-point lead.

Unfortunately, the Pistons are the Pistons. Destination: Doom, right? Sure enough, Detroit was outscored 33-15 in the third quarter and then scored only 12 points in the fourth. The result: a 95-82 loss that dropped them to 12-25 overall and a depressing 3-17 on the road.

So...did the trade rumors affect the Pistons? Remember, Richard Hamilton is part of that hot trade rumor involving Carmelo Anthony.

Said Rip: "That's part of the game. You hear stuff like that all the time. It's not the first time I've heard it in my career since I've been here. It's part of the game. You just come out and try to play basketball. It's out there. It's nothing that I think about."

Really, Rip? Well, okay then. In totally unrelated news, Hamilton finished with 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting in 21 minutes off the bench.

Bonus stats: The Bulls ran out for 18 fast break points and the Pistons gave up 23 points off 16 turnovers.

Ben Wallace: He got injured on the opening tip and missed the rest of the game. So...old...

Derrick Rose, quote machine: Derrick Rose dropped THE HAMMER on the Piston last night:


Nooooo. Not that hammer. This hammer.


After the game, Rose sounded awfully humble for a guy who's dunk created a parallel universe full of tiny, dunking Derrick Roses.

"A dunk, to me, is a dunk."

"I just jump high."

"I'm getting pretty old in this league. I just try to save my legs as much as possible."

For the record, Rose is 22 years old.

Chris's Lacktion Report: Omer Asik mooed one foul in 4:37 for a +1 and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while fellow heifer CJ Watson garnered two bricks and a foul for a +3 in 4:39. Kyle Korver also joined the lackfest with two bricks (once from Wacker Drive) for a +2 in 4:28.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Memphis Grizzlies, snowstorms, Worst of the Night

Merry Birdmas, everyone! This year we have a real treat for you - an exclusive tour of LarryLand, a vast theme park located on the outskirts of French Lick, Indiana, devoted to Larry Legend. We visit the top attractions of this amazing park, like Bill Russell Title Town, DJ's Science Circle, and the Larry Coaster. We even get an inside look at some of the quirky, but devoted fans who visit LarryLand. Prepare for a Larrylicious amount of fun. - ET


Editor's note: For those of you missing the usual bawful, Worst of the Night will return tomorrow.

Labels: amusement park, Basketbawful, Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, Larry Bird, larryland, theme park