"On Saturday morning, Sept. 23, 2006, many police vehicles appeared in our driveway. Men in black with flak jackets ran to and around our house. Men ran at me, dropped into shooting position, double-handed semi-automatic pistols pointed at me, and made me put my hands against my truck. I was held at gunpoint, searched, taunted, and led into the house. Our home was searched by a para-military search-and-seizure team.Our computers, digital camera, disposable cameras, DVD's, and VHS tapes were seized.We were held in our home under guard for five hours.Our children came home and were also interrogated.It was awful. We were accused of horrible crimes, crimes that even the mention of would ruin our reputations."Now personally, I've never been menanced by police officers, let alone police officers who were accompanied by a giant man who could kill me with a single, clubbing blow. But it doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to figure out that it would be pretty scary. Then you add the accusations of child pornography on top of it, and it turns into one big day of suckitude for Mr. Nuckols and his family. Even more amazing, the investigation will apparently go on for six to nine months. Fantastic...the fun never ends.
"Today's criminals are hiding behind computer screens, fake names and fraudulent identities, all with the intention of exploiting and harming our youth. I'm proud to help the Safe Surfin' Foundation get the word out to parents, kids, and communities about Internet safety and help law enforcement track down and lock up sexual predators."I'm sure that quote was in no way written by Shaq's publicist, and that it came straight from the heart buried deep within his massive chest cavity, which could probably house a small family of four (who, if they know what's good for them, won't surf for kiddie porn). According to recent studies, four to five child predators have died of fear each day since Shaq was deputized. That's scientific fact. To learn more about Shaq's effort to destroy all child molesters in this universe, visit www.SafeSurfinCentral.org.
"You can spend the night out with Dennis Rodman for the Scores Las Vegas Halloween Party. One winner can bring 2 guests, for time of their life with Dennis Rodman. The night will be spend at Scores Las Vegas, a gentleman's club located in the heart of Sin City. Scores is Las Vegas' one stop shop where your fantasy will become reality. A sit down dinner with Dennis will kick off the night and then to the VIP section of Scores for the duration. Wild would not give this night enough credit. Pictures will be allowed. The winner and their guests will each receive an autographed photo of Dennis. Includes airfare and accommodations."So there you have it. For the low starting price of $7,500 USD, you can have the Halloween strip club adventure with Dennis Rodman that you've been secretly dreaming about since puberty. According to the auction description, "100% of all proceeds will be donated to the Asthmatic League." So even though a gyrating stripper will probably transmit her gonorrhea right through your jeans, at least you'll know that the swollen testicles, painful urination, and thick, copious, urethral pus discharge are simply part of your contribution to a good cause.
"This auction is for a night out for dinner with legendary former WWE superstar Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake. The winner and their guest will be picked up in a limo and taken out to dinner with Brutus. They will also receive signed pictures from Hulk Hogan, Hawk from Legion of Doom, 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine, and 3 different shots of Brutus himself signed to the winner. The winner will also receive a signed Brutus doll from his WWF days. Take this chance to meet one of wrestlers [sic] biggest superstars and get all the wrestling dirt you always wanted to know from the man closest to Hulk. The winner must live in Massachusetts or provide their own transportation to Massachusetts and anyone under the age of 18 must have an adult as their guest. Please e-mail me with any questions and certain dates are not available due to other wrestling commitments."It was tragically depressing. Not only was the man selling himself on public auction, he was trying to bribe potential buyers with pictures of other wrestlers. The auction had a picture of a giant, sloshing pork beast I can only assume was Brutus. He was wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers t-shirt and zubaz pants, and he was giving a cheesy "thumbs up" sign, as if to say, "I am very happy to be selling what's left of my dignity and self-respect. Now please help me...help me...." The auction ended after only one bid of $500. Was that a little pricey for a used-up, over-the-hill wrestling barber? Maybe. But still, a little piece of my soul died that day.
"Wade said after a whirlwind offseason that included six weeks with the U.S. national team that his legs feel like he's already 60 games into the season."Miami Heat fans need to take action. And by "action," I mean they need to buy a few hundred tubes of Vagisil and send it to American Airlines Arena...and fast. Because the real problem has nothing to do with fatigue, it has to do with Wade being an enormous, heaving, itching vagina.
"Although I've been playing in the U.S. for a number of years, London will always be my home. It's the city I grew up in and where my family lives today."A truly heartwarming tribute. Isn't it funny how proud and excited some athletes get about playing for the honor of their home country, regardless of whether they'll win or (most likely) lose? Do you also notice how those players don't spend the next couple seasons complaining about how the international competition wore them out so much they can't play five minutes of a crummy exhibition game to bring a smile to the face of some small, unhappy child?
"I got to focus on my health right now and how I feel. I can't worry about if guys are looking forward to seeing me play or anything like that. I'm sorry for the fans here, but I've got to do what's best for my team and my teammates."Jesus, Lebron. I'm a fan and all, but that's easily the pussiest statement you've ever made. In fact, you should probably check your jock strap to make sure your genitals are still attached. Do you really expect people to believe that you aren't healthy enough to play five to six half-hearted minutes of basketball? Because, seriously, that's all the fans expected. That's all it would have taken to avoid the 20,000 stories about what a dick you are for not playing. And, frankly, you -- and every other NBA player who isn't really injured -- do owe it to the fans. And the whole "I've got to do what's best for my team" excuse is the purest form of distilled bullshit.
"Prosecutors said Jackson kicked a man who police said has a deformed arm. Jackson told police that the man, Quentin Willford, started the brawl."I only wish I could say I don't believe it. But seriously, how does a wealthy professional athlete end up picking a fight with a dude who has a deformed arm? Did Jax drown any kittens on his way to the strip club? Maybe bitch slap a homeless guy? Imagine if you had a deformed arm. Imagine if you couldn't even talk to a woman without having to give your credit card number. Imagine if you went out for a little topless, heaving, grinding entertainment. Then imagine you get picked on by a psychotic basketball player. Now I can sort of understand why the guy ran Jackson over with his car.
"I want to apologize to my teammates, to the fans and to this organization. It was a very unfortunate incident. I definitely take responsibility for my actions and everything I've done. I'm definitely blessed to be here today. I didn't really think I'd be up the next day after I got hit by a car and be walking. But I'm definitely blessed. I'm glad to be on the court. I'm happy to be alive and be able to be with my teammates and my family."An "unfortunate incident"? That's like calling the Holocaust "a minor ideological misunderstanding." But whatever. Despite the public support offered by his teammates, at least one person hasn't blithly accepted Jax's actions: the Marion Country prosecuter, who today charged Jackson with criminal recklessness, disorderly conduct, and battery.
"I'm ashamed of that entire night. I'm ashamed that Jermaine O'Neal's name is going to be connected with this for the rest of my life."I don't know about you, but I'm inclined to believe him, because talking in the third person is a universal sign of shame. But although he started out all humble and contrite, O'Neal quickly shifted the blame away from Jermaine O'Neal.
"It became an extremely scary and unbelievable situation. I am the leader of my team. I am responsible for my team at all times as long as I am with my team. In a situation where it's a melee and people are really trying to hurt you, you have no time (to think)."Notice how O'Neal qualified his statement of responsibility to his team so that it only included those times he's actually with his team. So, you know, if there's a fight and a shooting outside of a strip club and he's not there, well, then he's not really responsible for punching anyone involved.
"That's ridiculous. That is a black cloud. That is a punch in the gut for (team CEO) Donnie Walsh and (team president) Larry Bird. You shouldn't stand behind a player that's slapping you guys in the face during the middle of training camp, being out at a strip club at 3 o'clock in the morning shooting it up like it's the Wild, Wild West."We have to agree with Reggie, because as anyone who's anyone knows, Reggie Miller is always right. In addition to being a true God among mere mortals. Shame on you, Stephen Jackson.
"The incident Friday morning involving some of our players is currently being reviewed by the proper authorities. All parties involved are cooperating with the authorities. Since this is an ongoing review of the matters that took place Friday morning, the Pacers will have no further comment at this time."That was pretty informative. Thanks, guys.
Earlier this week, on this very blog, I described how terrified I am to read any news articles involving the Pacers. They've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time, the news is bad every time. And I know that doesn't make sense, but it still fills me with dread, because I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Being a Pacers fan is like having unprotected sex and not using any method of birth control: you end up spending all your time sitting around, twitching nervously, afraid to answer your phone or check your e-mail, living in mortal fear of the words "My period is late."
"I'm just about done with the Pacers"
"Indiana Pacers player Stephen Jackson was hit in the mouth, struck by a car and fired a gun outside a strip club early Friday, police said."
Jackson, 28, told officers he fired his 9 mm pistol four or five times in the air in self-defense after he was punched and hit by a car outside the club, said Sgt. Matthew Mount, spokesman for the Indianapolis Police Department.Holy back-flipping break-dancing Christ!! This is particularly amusing (in the sad and completely frustrating way) in light of the fact that NBA.com recently ran an article about Jackson's new "positive attitude." Said Jackson:
Jackson went up onto the hood of the car, Mount said.
There were no reports of anyone being struck by the gunfire, and police did not make any immediate arrests. Police are looking for the car that hit Jackson and others involved.
An argument involving patrons, Jackson and other members of the Pacers began inside the club, Mount said. The players said they left the club, but patrons followed them outside.
"At some point when leaving the club, a verbal altercation ensued that turned into a physical altercation," Mount said.
"I had a lot of soul-searching to do this summer. The last two years was probably not the best years but the biggest learning years of my career. Everything we've been through as far as me stepping up and being a leader on a team, me basically taking a lot of heat from the team and me having the most ups and downs I've ever had, I think this year I'm approaching it trying to be more positive in my game, getting back to the San Antonio Steve Jackson. A lot of the stuff the last two years, it was hard for everybody to deal with. All the negative stuff that was going on took a toll on everybody in the organization and it showed in our play – a lot. My biggest thing this summer was being more focused on the positive things, helping other people and helping my game and staying on the court."Less than a month after saying these words into some PR guy's tape recorder, Jackson goes to a strip club, gets in a fight, gets run over by a goddamn car, then goes all trigger happy. Yeah, that's a real focused, positive attitude, Steve. Fuck. More on this later, if I can find the will to go on.
"We're trying to acknowledge things are going to change and go back to the value system that we've had for most of the time in the last 15-20 years."Then the article noted how Stephen Jackson had "promised the Pacers he's not the same moody malcontent who questioned everyone from game officials to [coach Rick] Carlisle last season." Then Walsh said:
"The reason I believe he'll be different is because he approached me and said he spent the ummer evaluating himself. He said he knew he had to change some of the things he's done in the past and he's determined to do that."Pfft!! Good call Donnie!!
"Ben Wallace is a man. It's good to have some men on the team."New flash, everybody: Ben Wallace has a penis. I never realized that before today. As for the rest of the team, well, I didn't get a chance to do any chromosome testing last year, but I'm pretty sure nobody would have come up double Xs. I guess this year's team slogan should be something like, "Your Chicago Bulls -- now with 30 percent less vagina!"
"He's a warrior. He's a man. I'm just excited to be on his team. He's the type of big guy you love to have on your team. He gets down and dirty."We are still talking about basketball here, right guys? Because all this excitment about getting down and dirty with Wallace's manhood is starting to sound a little too homoerotic for my tastes. I get it already: he's a dude, a guy, a man, a Hercules, a titan, a brute, a monster, the heaving, sweating, throbbing embodiment of virility. That's great. But has he learned how to hit a freethrow yet? I'm just saying.
"He's not a boy anymore. He's got that man-type body."Huhn. Phil must be a Republican.
1. A boring speech by the CEOSince points 1 and 2 are boring and therefore suck, we the employees sustain ourselves on points 3 and 4. Especially point 4. And since I'm an emotional drunk, a post-meeting malaise often sets in, during which I can be found sitting disconsolately in a cubicle Googling my college girlfriend because maybe, just maybe, after all these years we can actually make it work.
2. A financial review by the CFO
Daniels is dealing with occasional problems following a procedure to remove a toenail on his left big toe. "Doctors decided to remove the toenail permanently," [Pacers coach Rick] Carlisle said. "It's a healing process that's taken time." Daniels, acquired for Austin Croshere from Dallas in July, has participated in offseason workouts but has been limited.How do you suppose Pacers GM Larry Bird feels about this? Bird had a history of (stupidly) playing with injuries that were so physically debilitating that he actually had to spend time in traction between playoff games in 1991. And let's not forget Bird played alongside Kevin McHale when McHale limped through the 1987 Playoffs with a broken foot. (According to Peter May's book The Big Three, McHale's navicular bone "split like a piece of firewood" during that classic Celtics/Pistons series. And yet McHale somehow managed to average 21.1 points -- on 58 percent shooting -- and 9.2 rebounds during the playoffs. That, my friends, is tough.)
10. Betrayed America by playing for the French National Team.Another plus: we can resume admitting the fact that Eva is totally hawt. I mean, seriously, she is.
9. Turns out is actually French.
8. Disguises French heritage with apparently American name.
7. Reminds us of hated elementary school rival, Ernie Parkin, who also was French.
6. Fuck you, Ernie!
5. Achieved high shooting percentage despite lack of jump shot; deal with Satan suspected.
4. Piggybacked on Tim Duncan for a pair of NBA championships; deal with Satan suspected.
3. His mother, Pamela Firestone is a Dutch model. For some reason this annoys us.
Has disproportionately hot girlfriend; deal with Satan suspected.
1. He's still French.