Crabs-Bobcats: Delonte West ordered 2.45 trillion (2:28) in bling for the royal crustacean's entourage!Saturday lacktion report: Did I mention that I'm thankful Chris kept sending lacktion reports from vacation?
Hawks-Sixers: Zaza Pachulia gave the dirty birds a +2 suck differential in 4:27 via giveaway and foul, also counting as a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Raptors-Celtics: Sonny Weems made a significant fossil fuel find for a 2 trillion for the dinos, while Brian Scalabrine negated an assist in 2:08 with two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Clippers-Pistons: Steve Novak continues to rack up the riches with a 2.05 (2:04) trillion that brings him to 7 trillioncombined in two straight games! Teammates Mardy Collins and Ricky Davis took some of Novak's new-found wealth to purchase a couple of Game and Watch collectors sets as 14-second Mario Brothers.
Spurs-Rockets: Theo Ratliff's stock options expired with a 1.05 trillion (1:04) return in capital gains, while fellow San Antonio resident Malik Hairston rode Yoshi briefly for a 19 second Mario.
Bucks-Thunder: Francisco Elson had a nationally-televised +1 via foul in 6:17, which also counted as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.
Suns-Wolves: Jarron Collins earned two boards for Phoenix in 8:42, only to give up the rock once and foul twice for a 3:2 Voskuhl.
Nyets-Kings: Sean Williams made two blocks and two boards in 12:26, but bricked once and added a turnover and three fouls for a 4:2 Voskuhl.
Bobcats-Generals: As Larry Brown took a break from begging the Canswer to return to his life as a professional SWAC, using some free time to coach Charlotte's basketball charlatans, he found his evening a relaxing and pleasant vacation from his current vocation due to the "matchup" against Washington. Gerald Henderson bricked once in 3:53 for a +1 suck differential, while DeSagana Diop joined the fray as a human victory cigar with a +2 via brick and foul in 2:41 that also counted as a 2:0 Voskuhl.Sunday lacktion report: And finally...
Mavs-Crabs: Matt Carroll did Mark Cuban proud by finding himself in a wonderland of wealth after a 2.8 trillion (2:47) takedown, while teammate Rodrigue Beaubois started a sloppy 9:14 stint with three bricks (one from the Terminal Tower) and a rejection for a +4. Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson did not live up to his name tonight by pinching out a needless assist, so fellow crustacean Jawad Williams stepped up to the plate and cooked a catch of 1.8 trillion (1:48).
Blazers-Jazz: Kosta Koufos provided celebratory tobacco for Jerry Sloan tonight, bricking once in 2:15 for a +1.
Magic-Bucks: Dan Gadzuric's starting appearance as Milwaukee's big man netted him a board in 4:01, but two bricks and four fouls led to a 4:1 Voskuhl.
Hawks-Pistons: Joe Smith tossed an unmemorable brick in 4:48 for a +1 suck differential.
Suns-Raptors: As solar power put the dinos to extinction yet again, Robin Lopez gained enough garbage time to accrue negative stats, losing the rock four times in 6:26 and adding two fouls for a +6 that provided what appears to be an Association-leading Voskuhl ratio of 6:0!!!!!!!!
Grizzlies-Clippers: Steve Novak makes it three straight nights of lacktion by setting Tetris on turbo mode for a 9 second Super Mario!!!!!
Magic-Knicks: Brandon Bass used sleight of hand to pull 2.4 trillion (2:25) out of a hat.
Celtics-Heat: Despite a field goal in 6:29, Miami's Joel Anthony fouled thricely for a 3:2 Voskuhl.
Hornets-Kings: Ime Udoka unwrapped his copy of Ms. Pac-Man for a 30 second Mario to celebrate Sacramento maintaining its .500 record.
Clippers-Pacers: Steve Novak continues to prove himself a challenger to Dominic McGuire as least productive player of the year, with a 5 trillion (5:01) that no doubt has Donald Sterling thinking of charging him for the team bus's electricity some time soon.
Sixers-Celtics: Lester Hudson seems to come from the same family that brought us "Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu" in cartridge form, as evidenced by tonight's celebratory 21 second Mario!
Crabs-Pistons: Chris Wilcox became the latest to don a Tanooki Suit, with a 4 second Super Mario for Detroit!Bucks-Hornets: Milwaukee's Jodie Meeks spent a mere 7 seconds with the power-up mushroom for a Super Mario. (EDIT, 11/30/09 - apparently Meeks's night-before-Thanksgiving performance made him the 100TH LACKTATOR OF THE 2008-09 SEASON! Congratulations!) Morris Peterson spent three of his nine lives on bricks (twice from the French Quarter) in 4:17 for a +3 suck differential.
Nuggets-Wolves: Wayne Ellington was in a sentimental mood for some lacktion as he bricked once from Hennepin Avenue and lost the rock twice in 2:58 for a +3.Warriors-Spurs: Malik Hairston missed a field goal for a +1 in 3:41 for San Antonio.Grizzlies-Suns: Alando Tucker dug out some desert diamonds with a 2.6 trillion (2:35) mountain of moolah for Phoenix.
Nyets-Blazers: As the team from Jimmy Hoffa's final underground swimming hole continues to experience its struggles, Sean Williams tried to stem the tide with one board, steal, and block in 14:40 - but four fouls have kept him longing for rubles in a potential Long Island future.
And just so you know, posting may be a little limited here the next few days. We're celebrating the holiday weekend just like the rest of you. But don't be afraid to stop by and post in the comments section from time to time. Good conversation is always appreciated.
Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Magic - Dwyane Wade owns the Magic when it comes to putting up big numbers. His career scoring average there is higher than against any other team. Yet the Magic have won 12 of the past 13. That's an excellent reminder there's more to winning basketball games than individual scoring efforts.
All The Other Games:
Clippers at Pacers - The Pacers have lost four straight. The Clippers have won two straight. But they're still the Clippers, and Donald Sterling is still delusional.
Raptors at Bobcats - Toronto is averaging 107.4 points per game. They are also losing quite a bit. When oh when will NBA teams learn that defense is good?
76ers at Celtics - The Celtics may be slowing down, and Sheed may be jacking up threes without second thought, but these 76ers just aren't very good. Andre Iguodala leads his team in points, boards, assists, AND steals. Doesn't Elton Brand play for this team? Didn't he used to be kinda good?
Bucks at Hornets - Alright, I'm halfway on the Brandon Jennings bandwagon. He had a crappy night his last game, but he's still impressive. Unfortunately, he gets to play against the rejuvenated Hornets tonight. And the Hornets have won seven straight against the Bucks. Good luck with that, Brandon.
Crabs at Pistons - Remember when the Pistons were good? 2004 sure seems like a hell of a long time ago now, doesn't it?
Nuggets at Timberwolves - Remember when the Timberwolves were good? Yeah, me neither. But they're one win ahead of New Jersey!!
Mavericks at Rockets - Does anybody else expect the Mavs to be angry enough after losing to the Warriors to play hard early on in this game? Unfortunately, they're tired, and the Rockets have plenty of rest. Not good.
Warriors at Spurs - The Spurs may not be an elite team at the moment, but they at least have more rested players than the six player lineup the Warriors trotted out last night.
Grizzlies at Suns - Memphis has won four of five games lately. Phoenix has won fourteen consecutive home games. For some reason, I can see Phoenix coming out ahead in this battle of statistics. (By the way, Steve Nash is kind of a good point guard. Who knew?)
Nyets at Trailblazers - Oh, no. New Jersey on the road? Really? This would be my pick for Bawful Game of the Night, except for...
Knicks at Kings - New York and the Maloofs, everybody!
Sixers-Generals: DeShawn Stevenson conjured up a 1.6 trillion (1:36) for the not-so-magical illusionists (whose illusion of being an Association-worthy team has vanished much of this season).
Nyets-Nuggets: Sean Williams bartered a mere board in 10:47 (as well as two blocks), but fouled and lost the rock thricely each for a sucktackular 6:1 Voskuhl!!!!
Thunder-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko found a trove of 2.1 trillion (2:07) as the rest of the beboppers in Salt Lake City failed to improvise a win around such a lacktive arrangement.
Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Jazz – Amazing stat from the Stats LLC preview: "Oklahoma City, which is 4-4 on the road this season, didn't win its fifth away game in 2008-09 until March 10."
All The Other Games:
76ers at Wizards - Washington Wizards owner Abe Pollin passed away earlier today at age 85. No jokes this time -- R.I.P. Abe.
Pacers at Raptors - The Dinos have dropped four of their last five. A visit from the slumping Pacers might just help with that problem for the moment.
Warriors at Mavericks - According to Accuscore simulations, New Jersey has an 18% chance of beating Denver. Golden State only has an 11% chance of beating Dallas. So, um, yeah...
Nyets at Nuggets - You know, with a season average of 84.9 points per game for Jersey so far, that 18% chance sure seems like an awfully small 18%, doesn't it?
Knicks at Lakers - Bawful history lesson for the day: On 2/2/2009, The Knicks gave up 31 points to Pau Gasol and 61 to Kobe. Per ESPN.com, "Bryant made 19 of 31 shots and all 20 free throws to set a Madison Square Garden record."
"It must be worrisome for the Wolves, to say the least, that they've played
almost into Thanksgiving and somehow Ricky Rubio has tasted victory in the NBA
only one fewer time than fellow Wolves lottery pick Jonny Flynn."
Kings-Grizzlies: Ime Udoka can now sit in the same suites as the Maloofs, with a 2.7 trillion (2:41) for the purple paupers; for Memphis, Marcus Williams powered up his Game Boy Advance in a mere four seconds for a Super Mario!!!Bill Simmons: Wild Yams forwarded this one to me: ESPN grounded Bill Simmons from using Twitter for two weeks. Boston Bill referred to Boston radio station WEEI as "deceitful scumbags." (Here's some history.) However, they are deceitful scumbags that have a partnership with ESPN. Whoops. Not too surprising, really. Simmons is the same guy who bends stats and even reality to sync up with opinions he's alrerady formed, and who incorrectly reasoned he could talk himself out of any speeding ticket in Seattle because "Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked the team and moved it elsewhere." He can also turn water into wine...hadn't you heard?
Bucks-Spurs: Malik Hairston lost the rock once in 3:26 for a +1 suck differential.
Bulls-Blazers: James Johnson bricked twice (once from the Sears Tower) and fouled once in 7:20 for a spin into suck differential territory of +3.
Wolves-Clippers: Brian Cardinal dedicated two fouls for the Clotheslines for a +2 in 2:20, while Steve Novak bricked once from Broadway for a +1 in 3:04.
All the other games:
Bucks at Spurs - Who would have thought that the Bucks would be three games up on San Antonio after almost a month into the season? Probably the same people who would have predicted the Spurs would be under .500 just days before Thanksgiving while still searching for that first road win, while also predicting that the Bucks would be setting the world on fire with fewer losses than the Celtics at this point in the year. In other words, nobody. Tune in tonight to see if the Spurs restore the natural order of things.
Kings at Grizzlies - On many nights, this would be the Basksetbawful Game of the Night, but not tonight because there's a special treat on the schedule (see below). The Kings have been on something of a tear since losing Kevin Martin, and understandably the Grizzlies have improved since Allen Iverson's dark cloud has moved away from their franchise. Still, two sub-.500 teams meeting like this should provide plenty of fodder for chris's lacktion report tomorrow.
Timberwolves at Clippers - You know, it almost doesn't get any better than this. After all, this is without question the Basketbawful Game of the Night. If you are one of the rare few who tune in, try to keep from being mesmerized by all the empty seats and actually pay attention to the lacktion going on on the court. And also, please don't rat on the announcers if they go off script for a minute or two on the wise presumption that nobody's watching anyway.
Smith: "Look who's in."Mind you, Lawler has been doing this for 31 years, and Smith has been around for 12. How could they not know better than that? I mean, sure, they probably assumed that nobody was watching because it was a Clippers-Grizzlies game, but still. I mean, at least two or three of the players' moms were probably tuning in. They should have realized that and limited their conversation to the discussion of farts and penis jokes...or whatever Clippers fans talk about to distract themselves from the pain.
Lawler: "Hamed Haddadi. Where's he from?"
Smith: "He's the first Iranian to play in the NBA." (Smith pronounced Iranian as "Eye-ranian," a pronunciation that offended the viewer who complained.)
Lawler: "There aren't any Iranian players in the NBA," repeating Smith's mispronunciation.
Smith: "He's the only one."
Lawler: "He's from Iran?"
Smith: "I guess so."
Lawler: "That Iran?"
Lawler: "The real Iran?"
Lawler: "Wow. Haddadi that's H-A-D-D-A-D-I."
Smith: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?"
Smith: "If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."
Lawler: "Here's Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball."
Smith: "Especially the post players.
Lawler: "I don't know about their guards."
Crabs-Pacers: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson burned up the court tonight by launching a fire flower for a 5 second Super Mario!!!
Grizzlies-Sixers: Jamal Tinsley tediously took up a spot in the lacktion report, fouling once in 4:55 for a suck differential of +1.
Rockets-Hawks: Maurice Evans lucked into becoming tonight's human victory cigar for Atlanta, taking home a 2.05 trillion! (Based on a correction by Soydeedo in the comments: Evans came in at the start of the 4th when the Hawks were only up by 5. He came right out when the Rockets tied the game up at just under 10 minutes left. That's not really a victory cigar. That game went down to the wire too.)
Magic-Celtics: Orlando's JJ Redick flew into the ledger with a +1 via foul in 5:52, while Jameer Nelson's first appearance after an injury provided Stan Van Gundy with a payment of 1.4 trillion!
Generals-Thunder: Okay, Oklahoma City is over 500 and thus able to trot out the tobacco, and the Wizards still want to lack it up in a losing effort? The scouts for the all-lacktion team (read: myself, Dan, NarSARSist and AnacondaHL) certainly should've had a twenty seven-year-old Zenith TV antenna'd up for this festival of forgettability:
For Washington, Dominic McGuire continued to make his case as the Association's most valuable lacktator with a perfect 1 trillion, sharing the spotlight with two +1-via-brick suck differentials in the same timespan from Javale McGee and Nick Young (the latter coming from Bricktown).
For the ex-Sonic-zombies, Nick Collison crashed into a +1-via-foul in 2:21 (also earning a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl).
Bucks-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson spent 33 seconds in Castlevania for a Mario. Inspired teammate Stephen Graham wanted to get a newer video game system, and had a 64-second stint for a Mario 64! (Of course, since that's not ACTUALLY a Mario, he will be credited with the market value of the gaming system - 1.05 trillion.) For Milwaukee, Dan Gadzuric made a shot in 15:18 and took down three boards, only to lose the rock twice and foul four times for a 6:5 Voskuhl.
Blazers-Warriors: In 5:15, Mikki Moore had four assists as a starting center - but pairing that with three fouls results in a 3:0 Voskuhl.
Nuggets-Clippers: Mike Dunleavy had his long-standing hunger for a victory celebration satisfied, sending Steve Novak on the court to yell out "Yo Noid!" for a slice of pizza in a 34 second Mario. And Denver's Malik Allen helped provided the Clippers some rare momentum, as noted by LotharBot in comments:
How can you have missed the most truly bawful player from the Nuggets@Clippers game?
Malik Allen came in with the Nuggets leading 26-14. By the time he left 7 minutes later, the team was trailing 39-32. The Clippers went on a 25-6 run during that span, and the momentum held for the rest of the game.
Malik Allen got dunked on by DeAndre Jordan twice in a row, conceded 3 layups, and put Craig Smith on the line, for a total of 12 points he gave up by not playing a lick of defense... and he looked worse on offense. He was totally lost on both ends of the court.
In 7 minutes, he negated a rebound and an assist with a missed shot, 2 turnovers, and a foul (a Madsen-level 3:1 Voskuhl) and had a game-worst -18 in a 7-point loss.
Knicks-Nyets: In the battle for the worst team this side of the Hudson River, the Knicks somehow lost out by, well, winning. (Despite an intentional own field goal!) Sean Williams's foulout in 15:41 combined with five bricks and two giveaways earned him a 8:5 Voskuhl for the ruble-run enterprise.
Sixers-Crabs: Royal Ivey crowned himself the king of wishful thinking by a hopeful shot from Euclid Avenue, resulting in a +1 suck differential in 4:05 for Philadelphia.
Bucks-Grizzlies: In 9:05, Dan Gadzuric scored a basket and made two rebounds, but four fouls and a giveaway edegd him into the Voskuhl category with a 5:4 ratio.
Kings-Rockets: Jon Brockman banged a question mark box with his head for a 18 second Super Mario!!!!
Pistons-Jazz: Austin Daye dawned into the Oakland County who's who with a 1.45 trillion (1:27) for Detroit.
Bulls-Nuggets: Lindsey Hunter modeled some expensive garb in his 2.6 trillion (2:37) take tonight.
Wolves-Blazers: Wayne Ellington improvised a couple of bricks (one from the Marquam Bridge) for a +2 in 3:46.
Celtics-Knicks: Toney Douglas gave Madison Square Garden a show of mediocrity with a +1 suck differential via giveaway in 6:10.
Pacers-Bobcats: In 8:23, Indiana's Jeff Foster composed three fouls against one board for a 3:1 Voskuhl. Michael Jordan's experiment in team mismanagement shockingly came out victorious, thus allowing for Larry Brown to trout out the celebratory human tobacco. Alexis Ajinca took down a rejection and a brick for a +2 in 3:18, while DeSagana Diop dove into a treasure trove with a 2.55 trillion (2:32).
Hornets-Heat: Joel Anthony avoided pure lacktivity with a block in 7:20, but fouled twice and lost the rock on two occasions for a 4:0 Voskuhl!
Pistons-Suns: Jarron Collins stirred together a foul and a brick in 3:15 for a +2, also counted as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Labels: Worst of the Weekend