Santa Larry green

On December 7, 1956, the Hoop Gods gave us their only son, Larry Joe Bird, the Basketball Jesus, to save the National Basketball Association from greed, selfishness and exceptionally low television ratings. And save the NBA he did, even though he had to sacrifice his heart, his back, and his ability to speak the English language to do it.

And so every year on December 7th, we at Basketbawful celebrate the greatest of all holidays: Birdmas (originally "Bird Mass"). But the celebration actually begins the night before, on Birdmas Eve, when Santa Larry travels across the world on a magic parquet floor pulled by 80's Celtic roleplayers -- On Carr and Robey and Henderson and Buckner! On Kite and Wedman and Sichting and Vincent! -- delivering jump shots and no-look passes to all the good little boys and girls who believe that he was the greatest player to ever rock short-shorts and a blond afro-mullet.

Just remember, dear readers, making everyone's basketball dreams come true in a single night is hard work, so leave a little something next to the fire place for Santa Larry and his reign dears. But not milk and cookies and carrots. Leave a plate of steak and potatoes for Larry...and don't worry about the reign dears. They're used to feeding off his table scraps.

It's also important to observe certain hallowed Birdmas traditions, such as wearing green and white, reading selected passages from The Holy Bird Bible, and watching Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend at least four or five times. You can also spend a little time in quiet contemplation of how much you hate the Lakers, even destroying something yellow. (This can be almost anything, from something as simple as a mustard-colored shirt or, for more hard core Birdmas celebrations, a live canary.)

In honor of this year's Birdmas, which falls on Sunday, we have prepared a very special video tribute to the season of basketball giving. Written and videographically presented by Evil Ted, and narrated by yours truly, this video is sure to bring a tear to the eye of even the most time-hardened cynic. So sit down, grab a wad of tissues, and prepare to be amazed by...The Night Before Birdmas!

EVIL TED UPDATE (12/6/08 - 12:30 PM CST): After 1,500 views and 24 hours, The original Night before Birdmas was removed from youtube, perhaps due to the brief NBA video segments that were included in it. Below is a revised version. If THIS one gets nixed, further attempts will be made... nobody should be deprived of their proper enjoyment of Birdmas.



If the youtube Grinch tries to steal Birdmas once again, here is an alternate location of the greatest video ever made (about Larry Bird, in December)...

The Night Before Birdmas

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33 Comments:
Blogger Basketbawful said...
For those of you who might want the poem's lyrics...here they are. Note the intentional misspelling of Isiah Thomas' first name, which was done as a sign of disrespect.

The Night before Birdmas

T’was the night before Birdmas, when all through the Garden,
Not a Piston was stirring, not even a Rodman.

The banners were hung by the rafters with care,
In hopes a new banner soon would be there.

When last they were great, the Celtics were quick,
To admit success rested on the hick from French Lick.

Before Garnett and Allen and Pierce restored glory,
A bumpkin named Larry was the Celtics’ best story.

Though hardly a specimen rippling with muscle,
He could beat his opponents with resolve and with hustle.

He shot with precision and was fierce under pressure,
There was no doubt at all he was the Celtics’ great treasure.

He showed from the start he was a very tough cookie,
Improving the Green by 32 games as a rookie.

But a winning record did not make Larry feel graced,
Without rings he deemed his career was a waste.

With Kevin and Robert and Max in the mix,
He earned banner fourteen ‘gainst the Rockets in six.

But beating the Sixers, down 3-1, was a story much greater,
“Moses really does eat sh*t,” Bird told adoring fans later.

Superlatives came over land and sea,
‘Bout the Celtics’ forward who wore thirty-three.

Who passed like he had eyes all over his head,
And caused teams ‘cross the league to quiver with dread.

Though he drained more game-winners than there are stars in the sky,
The next ring eluded him and no one knew why.

Perhaps he needed just the right rival on just the right day,
a power of destiny to stand in his way.

The ’84 Finals brought an opponent of old,
The Lakers all dressed in their purple and gold.

This time no Wilt and no Jerry to fight,
But Kareem and Magic would show plenty of might.

The Lakers went up two games to one as expected,
Running the "showtime" offense they'd perfected.

But the Celtics played blue-collar ball in game four,
Marked by the sound of Kurt Rambis hitting the floor.

Larry and the Celts won the series in seven,
Sending Beantown faithful to basketball heaven.

And perhaps those heroics were the cause to be heard,
One Magic Johnson say: "I fear no one - but Bird."

Though he would fall to L.A. in following seasons,
Bird battled on for all the right reasons.

For Larry Bird played for the love of the game,
He did not play it for fortune and fame.

His heart was rewarded in the '86 year,
The addition of Walton made for a team all others would fear.

Larry felt it the best basketball team he'd ever seen,
That gave him ring three and banner sixteen.

Despite age and wear and an always sore back,
Larry kept his team feared and on the attack.

It was during his twilight that Bird showed his true fight,
Saying no matter how old, "I gotta play like that every night."

Thanks to Bird there are games about which people still speak,
Like "The Steal" on Isaiah and "The Duel" against 'nique.

Chants of "Larry" will live with those who still know,
That the term "Big Three" was coined decades ago.

And yet there is room for the Celts of '08,
To build on the lore that made Larry so great.

The best part is their victory came 'gainst the team,
That expected to prove gold is better than green.

Larry himself would be the first to admit,
That others before him lived up to his grit.

Celts' Pride did not start with Bird's drive and hustle,
It began with the greatest – a man called Bill Russell.

Somewhere in heaven, Red lights a cigar,
To salute the team Danny and Doc took so far.

Some nights in the Garden, the smoke is still there,
Red’s victory signal for an opponent laid bare.

To all of the men who have worn Celtic green,
We the fans thank you. You know what we mean.

And for the best franchise, and for basketball's sake,
Happy Birdmas to all, and to all a fast-break.

Blogger The Chhamanator said...
Hey dude, have you seen the Yao Transformer its right here:
http://www.faniq.com/blog/Yao-Ming-Transformer-Blog-15337

Blogger Cortez said...
"...watching Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend at least four or five times."

HAHAHAHAHA! I just watched this DVD the other day. I had the VHS tape first and if they release on Blu-ray I'm getting that also.

I also watched the Larry Bird basketbal skills video, needless to say, my girl wasn't pleased at all.

Finally, a holiday to replace Festivus!

Blogger amanda said...
Awesome. very creative

Anonymous Trevor said...
Replace Festivus? Why replace it? We need as many holidays as possible! I just need to go find my aluminum pole...

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Absolutely brilliant!

Anonymous Pablo said...
The player you hate most wants to meet your idol, interesting that he's never met him. Scroll to the bottom of this article.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/printedition/la-sp-lakersfyi5-2008dec05,0,6795243.story

Blogger BJ said...
Is there a corresponding holiday for the Laker faithful? Magicween, Shaqanahkah, Kobewanza?
-BJ

Blogger Vankov said...
Nicely done, with a touch of that special you-know-what we all like about this blog....

Blogger Wild Yams said...
15 years to the day after Pearl Harbor was bombed Larry Bird was born? There's probably some significance there, but I don't see it.

Question: is it OK to watch one of Bird's Hollywood movies (Space Jam, Blue Chips or Celtic Pride) instead of Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I think it's more appropriate to leave out popcorn and 7-up for Santa Bird instead of the steak and potatoes.

Anonymous Elpollo said...
I would not have problems with people killing live canaries if it weren't cause... i'm from canary islands. If something happens to me or my family a group of nicaraguan mercenaries will... kill somebody or sthing like that ¬¬

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Yams - I worship Larry Bird to an unhealthy degree. Were he to sneer at or even spit on me while walking down the street, I would likely justify his behavior with "Oh, he's just probably having a really bad day." And yet even I have only, in passing (probably on a TV at a Sears), seen him in Space Jam. If that is any indication of his work in Blue Chips and Celtic Pride, then no - you may not watch any of Bird's Hollywood fare.

Besides, Birdmas is about Larry's basketball prowess. If you want to celebrate Birdmas by watching Larry act, you might as well celebrate Jack Nicholson day by watching a highlight tape of Jack on the sideline at a Laker game instead of taking in A Few Good Men and Chinatown.

As for the Pearl Harbor coincidence, I do think there's something very X-Files about the whole thing...will investigate and report in a future post.

Blogger Evil Ted said...
One other thing, the annual Birdmas tradition shall be that there will be 33 - EXACTLY 33 - comments on the annual Birdmas post.

Not just FILLER comments either - they must be a legitimate sharing of how Larry Bird, Birdmas, or the sacred Night before Birdmas poem has enhanced your life.

Begin.

The best post will win a recording of Basketbawful reciting the Birdmas poem for your answering machine.

-ET

Anonymous Drehog said...
I am a born and bred Celtics fan now living and coaching a high school ball team in West Virginia. My team's first game was tonight. We were ahead by 33 with 3:33 to go in the game. (No, I really am not making this up.) I will be showing this video to my team before practice on Monday.

I had the awesome privilege of being at games 1 and 6 of the Finals this year. It was an experience I'll never forget.

LONG LIVE KING LARRY, AND THE BIG GREEN MACHINE!!!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
ET, I'm shocked that a big Bird fan like yourself hasn't gone out of your way to see all of his movies repeatedly! I saw two of them in theaters and have the other one on DVD. In light of the fact that you're uneducated about Bird's "other career", here's a compilation of (I think) his entire career as a Hollywood film star: link

Bonus mostly unrelated video: here's Chris "The Birdman" Andersen's hilariously miserable performance at the Slam Dunk Competition a few years back: link

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Drehog - awesome. I love that you're going to show this to your team before a game...

Yams - Thanks for the link...I looked last night and had no luck finding an LB compilation.

UPDATE: It appears that the video has been removed - perhaps due to some of the VERY brief snippets of NBA video I used...

...apparently the NBA isn't interested in its fans. This morning I will replace the video with stills and see if we have the same problem...a search for "Birdmas" on youtube should always work...

...sadly, while Larry is clearly basketbawesome, the NBA and its legalities are Basketbawful. We have, quite accidently, stumbled across yet another unfortunate aspect of the NBA...keeping true fans from enjoying "what greatness is all about."

I will post a new video this morning, and one after that...I shall take a hint from Larry and never quit...

ET

Blogger Clifton said...
Evil Ted-- Host it on MySpace Video. Anything goes there.

My verification word is "nonoed". Isn't that what Dikembe Mutombo used to do to guys after he blocked them? And who doesn't love the clip of Mt. Mutombo giving the finger-wag to the crowd while the ball was still in play, and someone from the other team picks it up and dunks on his back while he's waggling?

Blogger Peter Robert Casey said...
Make sure you check out the Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend 25th Anniversary edition. It includes the full game recording of his duel with 'Nique.

BTW:

I have initiated an idea to create a sports blogroll where bloggers from all sports disciplines could participate. All you need to do is to add my blog link to your blog and I'll do the same. That way, we could have a mutual partnership and we could refer visitors to each other's blog. Please let me know if you would be interested: basketballcolumnist@gmail.com. Thanks!

Yours in hoops,

Peter Robert Casey

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Thanks Clifton,

I will resort to Myspace if my revised video gets the axe. Long live Birdmas!

ET

Anonymous chone said...
Worst of the weekend nominee: Check out Glen Davis crying on the bench (http://tinyurl.com/5sq96d) after getting chewed out by KG. Rumor has it that Garnett said,
"Yo mama so fat she can't make a consistent contribution in the rotation on a team that's thin in the frontcourt after its starters, despite being touted as a possible lottery pick at one point while in college." That kind of stuff hits too close to home.

Anonymous Wormboy said...
BJ: "Is there a corresponding holiday for the Laker faithful? Magicween, Shaqanahkah, Kobewanza?"

Hallowkareem :)

You could also try "Larryween" as another celebration of Bird's prowess. Though, sadly, these days it would mean dressing up as a fat, out of shape and ugly white guy. Best thing is that I don't even need to get dressed up!




EvilTed: "Besides, Birdmas is about Larry's basketball prowess. If you want to celebrate Birdmas by watching Larry act, you might as well celebrate Jack Nicholson day by watching a highlight tape of Jack on the sideline at a Laker game instead of taking in A Few Good Men and Chinatown. "

What, not 'Something's Gotta Give?' ;)

Please bring the video back! I missed it bc I was at work yesterday, and was crushed not to see it today!

Anonymous Barry said...
"Rondo turning up heat after ribbing from The Glove"

http://www.nba.com/2008/news/12/05/rondo.better.ap/index.html

Now that ain't right.

Blogger eileen said...
Evil Ted,
I think I love you.

Anonymous Nick F. (Buck Nasty) said...
Number One: There should be a Larry Bird as Santa T-Shirt. Put a production company on that.

Number Two: I love Larry Bird the way I hate what Mike Dunleavy has done as the coach of the Clips and what Terry Porter is doing as the coach of the Suns.

If Steve Nash doesn't get a ring, it is no fault of his own.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Definition of home cookin':

Noun,

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/boxscore?gid=2008120713

Anonymous karl said...
Nominee for Worst of the Weekend:

The Milwaukee Bucks, who, according to this ESPN recap: http://scores.espn.go.com/nba/recap?gameId=281207013 "has shot under 50 percent from the field in all 22 games this season." Isn't Scott Skiles an ex-point guard? Shouldn't he know SOMETHING about running and offense?

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Wormboy - For the moment, we shall keep Birdmas as the holiday of choice...not sure I can get quite so juiced for Larryween (It comes too close to Birdmas, has no birthday connection, and detracts from the good cheer and Celtic worship I put into into Birdmas)...and I was going to go with "The Witches of Eastwick," but couldn't bring myself to needlessly subject anyone to Cher.

eileen - That is what Birdmas is all about. I think I love you too. Don't forget to distribute this any and all Bostonians/Celts fans you know...

5 more comments before this string is closed (at 33, of course).

Blogger Wild Yams said...
In response to Anonymous above saying last night's Laker win was a result of "home cookin", let's be honest: when your starting 5 combine to only score 18 points, you've got no one to blame but yourselves. If that kind of performance isn't a WOTN, then I don't know what is.

Look, the 15 FTA differential wasn't the difference in the game. The Lakers were up by 27 before they took their foot off the gas and emptied the bench, so this thing wasn't anywhere near as close as the final score would lead you to believe. There's a reason Sun Yue not only got his first NBA minutes last night but also scored more points than he did all preseason. Last night's Lakers-Bucks game was a laugher, and the free throws had nothing to do with it.

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Finally got to see the video. Pure, unadulterated awesome!

Blogger Evil Ted said...
Thanks, wormboy.
Two more posts to get to 33!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I'm not even a Celtic or Bird fan, but that video made me pump my fist in awesome and shed some manly tears of burning spirit.

Happy Holidays

Anonymous Nick F. (Buck Nasty) said...
One more, the pressure is on to get that recording.

This is obviously the best one. See, even Larry says no one should post after this. Case in point:

http://tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:FDPX9Kt9Lf1ERM:http://www.cnnsi.com/2007/sioncampus/05/09/graduate.east/p1_bird.jpg

Merry Birdmas Everyone!

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