The Washington Wizards: Well, they lost to the Portland Trail Blazers at home last night, which is no shame in and of itself. After all, in case you haven't noticed, the Blazers have quietly won six games in a row and accumulated a 14-6 record...second-best in the West and fifth overall in the league (behind the Celtics, Lakers, Cavaliers and Magic). Still, the loss dropped the Gandalfs to only 2-7 at home and an Eastern Conference worst 3-11. That's right: The Wiz are a full THREE games worse than the Charlotte Bobcats.

But, hey, at least they came within six points of the Blazers and were right there at the end. That's gotta count for something right? Or maybe not. Interim coach Ed Tapscott said: "Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, you know?" Well, it also counts in nuke, gunshot wounds...okay, "close" is looking pretty scary, so I'll quit while I'm, uh, alive.

Brandon Roy, going-left machine: "My whole life, guys send me left. I come to the bench, and my teammates are joking, 'Oh, you went left.' I'm like, 'Which way did he give me? He gave me left.' You give me right, I'll take right. But right now they're giving me left, and I do whatever I can to make plays out there." Just so everybody knows: Brandon can score go left.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Despite forcing 19 turnovers and a 42-31 rebounding edge -- including a 16-3 advantage on the offensive glass -- the Timberpups STILL suffered a double-digit loss to the Magic. Mostly 'cause Orlando shot a season-high 57 percent...despite the fact that their starting backcourt is still out with injuries. Memo to Minny: You have to do more than just hope the other team misses. Sometimes you actually have to participate in a little thing we call "hand in the face." It actually kinda works sometimes. But hey, I'm no expert. Go ahead and keep using the "wish defense" if you like.

Of course, Wolves coach Randy Wittman thinks his team's problem is on the offensive end of the floor. "Through three quarters we got great looks, we just couldn't put it in. You've got to score against this team." And that, Randy, is the kind of attitude that has helped your team earn the league's sixth-worst mark in field goal percentage defense (46.7) and the fifth-worst mark in three-point defense (37.8). You might want to consider leaving the "We'll just outscore the other team" strategy to Mike D'Antoni.

Brian Cardinal: The line: Seven minutes, 43 seconds and zero-for-everything...a near eight trillion. Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse said: "Probably the closest we'll ever see anyone come to Damon Jones' hallowed 12 trillion." Maybe, maybe not. After all, yesterday Basketbawful reader 747 left the following comment: "Though not as epic as the Damon Jones game, on April 2, 2002, my sister's birthday no less, Carlos Arroyo had a 12 trillion." So don't worry, Ben. There's always hope for greater trillions!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Remember how about a month ago the Grizzlies won a few games (two against the Warriors and one against the Kings) and everybody got all excited about how this team was "ahead of schedule" and all that. Okay, "excited" is a strong word, because anybody who can't be referred to as "mom," "dad" or "baby mama" by somebody affiliated with this team is medically incapable of being excited about them. But anyway, all that early optimism has [SHOCK ALERT!!] given way to 11 losses in their last 12 games, including the current 7-game streak of futility. But there's good news: Two of the baby bears' next four games are against the Clippers and the Thunder, and I'm going to go way out on a limb and predict they go at least .500 in those two games. You heard it here first.

Darko Milicic: Nothing's really changed. Darko continues to be one of the most disappointing second overall picks of the last, well, forever. But here's an update anyway: The Dark One played 19 minutes last night, shooting 0-for-1 and finishing with more fouls (4) than rebounds (3) or points (2). He was 2-for-2 from the foul line, though. Just so you understand I can sometimes see that the glass is half full. Of crap.

Maurice Evans: No points in 16 minutes is kind of embarrassing...but shooting 0-for-7 (including 0-for-5 from downtown) is downright shameful. Shame, Maurice! Shame! And I've got a rolled up newspaper with your name on it.

Mario West: Lived up to his name by putting in a 19-second Mario. ADORABLE SAD FACE.

The Klahma City Thunder: Better grab hold of those socks so they don't blow off your feet, but the Thunder showed actual signs of offense last night: The NBA's worst shooting team (at 42.4 percent) blistered the Bobcats with 54 percent sniping. And yet still managed to lose. They are now a league-worst 2-17.

Continuing on with the "glass half full of crap" theme, Kevin Durant said: "Tonight was better than most losses because we did some things well." Huh. Maybe, for the mental health of everybody in the Thunder franchise, the NBA should add a new column in the season standings for "Losses That Are Better Than Most."

Matt Carroll: A big tip of the hat goes out to Carroll, whose 13-second Mario for the Bobcats should make Mario West feel less like a complete human failure and more like an only almost-complete human failure. [Basketbawful realizes Mario West is making $700,000 this season while Matt Carroll is making over $5,000,000...then weeps silently to himself.]

Emeka Okafor: I know what you're saying: Basketbawful, how can you possibly bust on a guy coming off his best two games of the season? (Emeka scored 25 points on 8-for-11 shooting and snared 13 boards last night, while on Monday he scored 24 on 9-for-14 from the field and grabbed 10 rebounds.) Well, it's because Basketbawful reader Jacob C sent me the following email after Monday's game: "Are you aware that this man has played 569 minutes this year and has 6 assists? How can those be real numbers? That is only 6 assists more than I have on the season. That's one assist every 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure that those can't be real numbers. Don't you accidentally pick up more assists than that? I realize those 'Cats are not good but that is completely absurd."

True enough, and it only got more absurd last night when Okafor played another 38 minutes without registering an assist. So, the numbers are: 607 minutes, 141 shot attempts, 36 turnovers and only 6 assists.

I relayed this information to my buddy Statbuster last night, and he said, "Wow. Those numbers make Kevin McHale look like John Stockton. Or they make Yinka Dare look like Kevin McHale." (Dare, you may remember, was named Basketbawful's Worst Passer Ever for playing 1,002 minutes in 110 games over a four-year career and dishing out only four assists.) Good times. I guess his given name, "Chukwuemeka," is Nigerian for "Doesn't pass."

Michael Jordan, the concerned owner: Sean May, who had his best game of the season last night (10 points, 11 rebounds), was taken out of last night's game during the third quarter because of extreme out-of-breathness. Fortunately, part-owner Michael Jordan was there to mock him: "Mike said, 'Do you need an oxygen mask?'" May said. "I said, 'No, just give me a couple minutes and I'll be fine.'" I'm surprised MJ didn't ask if May needed a bra for his man-boobage.

The New York Knicks: What can you say about a 36-point drubbing in which Quentin Richardson got himself ejected and Chris Duhon (1-for-9, 4 assists, 6 turnovers) played less like Steve Nash and more like, well, Chris Duhon? If you're Mike D'Antoni, I guess you can talk about how tired your team is. Said D'Antoni: "This is the thing you run into when you run into a good team without any gas in your tank and it showed. Things just unraveled. I think everyone was frustrated. I think you get frustrated when you're tired." You know what else is frustrating? When you suck.

Update! Man love in Cleveland: Basketbawful reader Edgar C found this on TrueHoop: "After the game nearly the entire Cavs team stayed in the shower area for an hour. They were leaning against walls, sitting on counters and enjoying adult beverages all in towels. They were talking, making fun of each other, hanging out. It may seem like normal locker room behavior, but it isn't. Maybe these guys go hang out with each other in groups after the games at restaurants or their houses. But in my six years covering the Cavs I'd never seen that after a game. The season is long, trying times are certainly ahead, but the team is more than just winning, they are enjoying doing it with each other." And the title of the article this came from? "Cavs enjoying each others' company." Oh yes it is. According to preliminary estimates, this event ranked just after Clay Aiken on the Gay Scale.

The Philadelphia crowd: So far this season they've ignored their team, and booed their team, and last night they cheered and chanted "M-V-P!" for longtime Philly villain Kobe Bryant. Ah, sweet Philadelphia, providing the Sixers all the comforts of playing on the road. Of course, it might have helped if their team hadn't let the Lakers shoot 58 percent and beat them by double digits. More details from Wild Yams: "Speaking of Philly, and since you mentioned their crowd chanting 'MVP' for Kobe last night, it should be pointed out that at the start of the game they were loudly booing him every time he touched the ball, and it was only at the end of the game when the Lakers had it in hand and Kobe went off for a couple playground type moves that they started cheering for him. Fickle Philly fans."

Update! Elton Brand: I overlooked this, but Wild Yams didn't: "I'm surprised to see Elton Brand didn't make this list, what with going 1-7 for 3 points in 25 minutes last night. Money well spent there, Philadelphia." Yams, are you suggesting that's not $80 million worth of production?

Ed Stefanski: Philly's team president said before the game that he isn't surprised the Sixers are struggling to adjust to the new roles necessitated by Elton Brand's arrival. But then he indicated heads might be on the chopping block if they don't start adjusting, and pronto. "You'll never hear patience come out of my mouth." So yeah, he expected them to have problems, but he won't stand for them having problems. More Leadership 101.

Phil Jackson, Super Obvious Man: "If Kobe shoots the ball that well, we're going to have a good winning percentage because he's going to take most of the shots." In other news, if you don't drink Drain-O, you won't die from drinking Drain-O.

The Indiana Pacers: A night after their inspirational and hope-lifting win over the Lakers, they lost by 18 to the Celtics in Boston. So, you know, it seems unlikely that the road to this year's championship will be running through Indianapolis.

Kevin Garnett, hyperbole machine: Regarding teammate Rajon Rondo, who notched a triple double by scoring 16 points, grabbing 13 rebounds and dishing out a career-high 17 assists: "He was amazing. It was like there was three Rondos. I looked up and it came off the rim and he is grabbing a rebound, then I got back on defense and he beat me back. He was everywhere tonight." Garnett then looked down at his pants only to see Rondo's head pop out from the open zipper, proving that Rajon was, indeed, everywhere.

The Chicago Bulls: Forget the fact that they got only one home game after their circus trip before being forced to hit the road again...no team should let Dan Gadzuric (11 points, 14 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) control the paint. Unless you're the Chicago Wheelchair Bulls or something. And even then I'd expect maybe half as many rebounds.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Sure, they beat the Bulls, but according to Forbes, they're the least valuable NBA franchise at $278 million. Chicago is the third-most valuable at $504 million. Suck it, Milwaukee!

The "Phoenix Suns": The "Suns" played without Steve Nash (flu-like symptoms!) and Shaq (resting his weary flab). As a result, the Suns were outrebounded 46-30 (including a season-high 17 offensive rebounds for the Hornets) and outscored by 104-91. But that'll happen when Robin Lopez is your starting center.

Update! Amare Stoudemire: One more addition from Wild Yams: "How does Amare Stoudemire manage to get only 4 rebounds last night when he's only competing with Robin Lopez for boards? When your supposed MVP candidate at power forward has more fouls (5) and turnovers (6) than rebounds, something isn't right. Actually, I should just criticize the entire Phoenix frontcourt for their lack of rebounding last night. Stoudemire, Boris Diaw and Robin Lopez combined for 8 total rebounds in a combined 86 minutes of PT. Matt Barnes off the bench had 7 by himself in 32 minutes of play."

Goran Dragic: He registered a DNP-CD despite the fact that Nash was absent. Wow. How did the Suns not know he was this bad when they signed him?

The Los Angeles Clippers: Now 3-15 and thanking God that the Klama City Thunder are around to distract the world from how truly awful they are. But at least they were competitive. So, you know, put last night's loss to the Rockets in "Losses That Are Better Than Most" column. Particularly since Houston was +23 in FTAs. (What's that smell, you ask? Home cookin'!)

Baron Davis, sick machine: B-Diddy had to sit down for a spell in the first quarter due to what was apparently food poisoning. Said David: "I must have ate something before the game and it didn't want to come down or out." Gah. I wonder where it finally went...? But maybe it's better I don't know.

The Utah Jazz: It looks like all the injuries are finally catching up with them. Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko and Matt Harpring were all out, and Kyrylo Fesenko strained his lower back during warmups. No, I'm not making that up. The Jazz shot 39 percent, committed 17 turnovers and fell into a 16-point hole before climbing out to lose by only 4. Said Kyle Korver: "We just don't have a whole lot of rhythm right now." I'm sure Jerry Sloan would happily sacrifice rhythm for a few healthy bodies.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He spent almost half an hour in a handicap bathroom stall at the Staples Center while a man confined to a wheelchair sat outside waiting patiently but fighting not to mess himself. The kicker? Kobe didn't even have to go to the restroom. He just wanted to catch up on his text messaging.

Labels: Brandon Roy, Darko, Emeka Okafor, Mario West, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night