I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I couldn't stop being awesome even if I wanted to. So it kinds of goes without saying that I receive lengthy, appreciative applause from almost everyone I meet almost everywhere I go. But, believe it or not, there's a dark flipside to the type of universal acclaim I enjoy: I've come to kind of expect it.

Unfortunately, even I can't be surrounded by admirers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That would be physically impossible. I mean, a moth flies to close to the flame and it's gonna get burned, you know? And -- I understand this is going to be difficult -- forget about me for a second. What about all the poor schmucks out there who NEVER get cheered on because of what I'm assuming is their lame and inescapable non-awesomeness? I know you'll agree that there's nothing sadder than the sound of one hand clapping while the other one wipes away tears that will never fade. Luckily for me and those other humanoids, there's a solution to our unique but strangely similar problems: Applause machines!

clapper
Pictured: The "live audience" used for SNL screenings.

The Applause Machine was designed by British artist Martin Smith "for when your ideas are great but no one else agrees." Constructed of powder-coated steel, brass, Walnut wood, and plastic, the device claps at the push of a button using a motor that runs on two AAA batteries. Available in a range of five simple colors, the Applause Machine is small enough (about 18 inches tall) to fit almost anywhere you might deserve to be applauded: By the toilet, in the shower, near the bed where you have sex (or the desk where you masturbate furiously to Internet porn), next to the World of Warcraft gaming station in your parent's basement, and so on.

The Applause Machine is currently available online at Laikingland (and a limited number of retail stores in the UK and the Netherlands) for £195.00. I have no idea what that is in real money (known as "American dollars"), but seriously, are you going to let price stand in the way of having instant approval any time you want it? Or, more importantly, any time I want it? I think not. And you'd better hurry; according to the Laikingland site, the last date to place an order for Christmas is December 12th. You can either have it sent directly to my secure PO box or give it to me in person, hopefully wrapped in super models.

Bonus video footage: Watch in rapt astonishment as the Applause Machine...claps.

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15 Comments:
Anonymous Al James said...
Um, I couldn't hear it clap. All I heard was the motor running. Epic fail.

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
Starbury lines his house with these.


Also: Andrew Bogut is intrigued.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
You could custom make the Bogut version by switching the arm connections and making the palms face outwards

Anonymous Arlen said...
Sweet, I could use these to turn on and off my "the clapper"-powered lights.

Blogger Tim said...
Dampier didn't play much in the Mavs-Clippers game because he was too slow on defense to keep up with Zach Randolph. Diop did a better job on him defensively once he game in, so for the remainder of the game Carlisle went with Diop or Bass for a small-ball lineup.

Anonymous Merlin Olsen said...
Basketbawful is friends with me, too, and I come over... on occasion.

Anonymous Tonewise said...
I think Sam Mitchell could use a few of these for xmass...

Blogger Kevin said...
TOO LATE. Later Sam Mitchell! As a Raps fan, this is good news.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
not being able to keep up with zach randolph seems like a severe problem in anyones game. we aren't talking about steve nash

Anonymous your mom said...
I think we should have a tracker on how sucky Malik Rose is and why he continues to get playing time. I mean, he averages 2 points in 9 minutes shooting 25%! not only that but 1 turnover and 1.7 files. He would average more turnovers than Wade if he played his minutes, except Rose doesn't handle the ball, pass it, or have as many touches. Hell, he manages to have a turnover almost every time he gets it.

Anonymous Phoenix Snow said...
Hey, Brian Cardinal a near EIGHT TRILLION tonight! Epic suckiness!

Blogger 747 said...
Though not as epic as the Damon Jones game. http://www.basketball-reference.com/fc/pgl.cgi?player=arroyca01&year=2002
April 2, on my sister's birthday nonetheless, Carlos Arroyo completes a 12 trillion.

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
Hey mom!

To answer your question: Malik Rose is getting pt because the Knicks barely have any players on their roster right now. They hardly give him the minutes...well because you see why.

That said, Malik Rose might get some burn on some other teams. Never question how desperate coaches get for that "veteran presence." Seriously, it's the reason why the Mike Doleacs, Antoine Walkers, Jamaal Magloires, Juwan Howards, and Malik Roses get even a little burn.

PS- I look forward to seeing you around for the holidays!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Lordy! Starting Portland forward Nick Batum was 1 REB away from an almost SIXTEEN minute suck of +3! Mario notches a Mario!

And did you write the Dec 4 Suns team report? It's almost exactly your writing style:

"The Suns beat the Kings in Sacramento without Steve Nash, and the Thunder in Oklahoma City without Shaquille O'Neal.

But could they beat the Hornets without Nash and O'Neal against the Hornets? Um, no."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
stop stealing quotes from liston...
unless you are liston....
HOLY COW!

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