I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I couldn't stop being awesome even if I wanted to. So it kinds of goes without saying that I receive lengthy, appreciative applause from almost everyone I meet almost everywhere I go. But, believe it or not, there's a dark flipside to the type of universal acclaim I enjoy: I've come to kind of expect it.

Unfortunately, even I can't be surrounded by admirers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That would be physically impossible. I mean, a moth flies to close to the flame and it's gonna get burned, you know? And -- I understand this is going to be difficult -- forget about me for a second. What about all the poor schmucks out there who NEVER get cheered on because of what I'm assuming is their lame and inescapable non-awesomeness? I know you'll agree that there's nothing sadder than the sound of one hand clapping while the other one wipes away tears that will never fade. Luckily for me and those other humanoids, there's a solution to our unique but strangely similar problems: Applause machines!

Pictured: The "live audience" used for SNL screenings.
The Applause Machine was designed by British artist Martin Smith "for when your ideas are great but no one else agrees." Constructed of powder-coated steel, brass, Walnut wood, and plastic, the device claps at the push of a button using a motor that runs on two AAA batteries. Available in a range of five simple colors, the Applause Machine is small enough (about 18 inches tall) to fit almost anywhere you might deserve to be applauded: By the toilet, in the shower, near the bed where you have sex (or the desk where you masturbate furiously to Internet porn), next to the World of Warcraft gaming station in your parent's basement, and so on.

The Applause Machine is currently available online at Laikingland (and a limited number of retail stores in the UK and the Netherlands) for £195.00. I have no idea what that is in real money (known as "American dollars"), but seriously, are you going to let price stand in the way of having instant approval any time you want it? Or, more importantly, any time I want it? I think not. And you'd better hurry; according to the Laikingland site, the last date to place an order for Christmas is December 12th. You can either have it sent directly to my secure PO box or give it to me in person, hopefully wrapped in super models.

Bonus video footage: Watch in rapt astonishment as the Applause Machine...claps.

Labels: applause machines, Christmas list, I am so freaking awesome, I'm sorry you aren't as awesome as I am it's not your fault, self-love