Go ahead. Shoot me. Just, uh, aim for the hanky, okay?
Now that I've fully recovered from my annual turkey coma, it's time to move on to highly important and life-altering matters: Providing you with ideas of what to buy me for Christmas. (Quick hint: When in doubt, choose "ridiculously expensive" over "fiscally responsible." Just to be safe.) I'll be giving you plenty of ideas over the next 20 days or so, but keep in mind that I still haven't received half of the things from last year's list. I'm not saying you owe me anything for all the free humor I make available on an almost-daily basis, but you totally do. What are you waiting for? Next Christmas?

Anyway, when I'm out on the town rocking a totally awesome suit, I still feel a little naked. And I finally figured out why that is: My suit can't repel gunfire, which seems like a pretty major design oversight for a crimefighting champion of justice like myself. But what can I do, short of hiring Tony Stark as my personal tailor? I have a two-word answer for you: bulletproof hanky.

The bulletproof handkerchief, provided exclusively by Liborius, is made out of military grade Kevlar Arimid and can be folded into squares that fit into most breast pockets. I know you'll agree that it's a damn shame Stephon Marbury didn't have one of these when his teammates were shooting him in the head. Also, I bet the Giants wish they'd wrapped Plaxico Burress in one of these before he went clubbing. However, before you drape one of these babies over your chest and start waging a one-man war on crime, you should probably know that there's a disclaimer: "The store and designer take NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way." So you can feel secure in the knowledge that your gentleman's square can stop a bullet if necessary...but it's probably best for you and the body you live in if it's never, ever necessary.

I know what you're saying. What's the fun in being invincible if you're stuck in a stuffy suit all the time. Well, if you're more of a "business casual" kind of guy, then you're in luck: There's also a bulletproof polo shirt on the market. The shirt -- offered by Columbian designer Miguel Caballero, who has been dubbed the "Armani of armor" -- is made of ultra-lightweight, bullet-proof fabric and features removable ballistic panels designed to offer protection from weaponry ranging from a 9mm pistol to an Uzi. Let's see the humanoids mock your "preppie" attire when you're wading through Uzi blasts without a scratch.

The bulletproof polo retails for about $12,000 and it's part of Caballero's Black Label line, which includes a bulletproof tuxedo shirt. You know, in case you want to attend a wedding without suffering all that "I might get shot in the chest" anxiety. (Although, to be fair, you probably should have thought about that before you slept with your best friend's fiance.)

Because even douchebags like this guy should be freefrom the threat of unplanned gunshot wounds.

Labels: bulletproof, Christmas list, handkerchiefs, polo shirts, suit up, tuxedos