bulletproof hanky
Go ahead. Shoot me. Just, uh, aim for the hanky, okay?

Now that I've fully recovered from my annual turkey coma, it's time to move on to highly important and life-altering matters: Providing you with ideas of what to buy me for Christmas. (Quick hint: When in doubt, choose "ridiculously expensive" over "fiscally responsible." Just to be safe.) I'll be giving you plenty of ideas over the next 20 days or so, but keep in mind that I still haven't received half of the things from last year's list. I'm not saying you owe me anything for all the free humor I make available on an almost-daily basis, but you totally do. What are you waiting for? Next Christmas?

Anyway, when I'm out on the town rocking a totally awesome suit, I still feel a little naked. And I finally figured out why that is: My suit can't repel gunfire, which seems like a pretty major design oversight for a crimefighting champion of justice like myself. But what can I do, short of hiring Tony Stark as my personal tailor? I have a two-word answer for you: bulletproof hanky.

The bulletproof handkerchief, provided exclusively by Liborius, is made out of military grade Kevlar Arimid and can be folded into squares that fit into most breast pockets. I know you'll agree that it's a damn shame Stephon Marbury didn't have one of these when his teammates were shooting him in the head. Also, I bet the Giants wish they'd wrapped Plaxico Burress in one of these before he went clubbing. However, before you drape one of these babies over your chest and start waging a one-man war on crime, you should probably know that there's a disclaimer: "The store and designer take NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way." So you can feel secure in the knowledge that your gentleman's square can stop a bullet if necessary...but it's probably best for you and the body you live in if it's never, ever necessary.

I know what you're saying. What's the fun in being invincible if you're stuck in a stuffy suit all the time. Well, if you're more of a "business casual" kind of guy, then you're in luck: There's also a bulletproof polo shirt on the market. The shirt -- offered by Columbian designer Miguel Caballero, who has been dubbed the "Armani of armor" -- is made of ultra-lightweight, bullet-proof fabric and features removable ballistic panels designed to offer protection from weaponry ranging from a 9mm pistol to an Uzi. Let's see the humanoids mock your "preppie" attire when you're wading through Uzi blasts without a scratch.

The bulletproof polo retails for about $12,000 and it's part of Caballero's Black Label line, which includes a bulletproof tuxedo shirt. You know, in case you want to attend a wedding without suffering all that "I might get shot in the chest" anxiety. (Although, to be fair, you probably should have thought about that before you slept with your best friend's fiance.)

Because even douchebags like this guy should be free
from the threat of unplanned gunshot wounds.

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Blogger Victor said...
There must be a lot of paranoid, rich white people to make these businesses profitable.

So I'm looking over last year's list again and there's just so much sheer awesomeness. Flying Screaming Monkey? Privacy Scarf?! INSTRUMENT SHIRT?! Some of that's gonna be real hard to top.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Victor -- Never fear. I've actually spent the last few weeks researching things that should be close to as awesome as last year's offerings. (Well, except for flying screaming monkey. Can't top that.) Bulletproof hanky wouldn't have made the list if not for Starbury and Plax.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Just the other day I said to myself "I really can't do without a bulletproof handkerchief"

After all, this somewhat ambitious yet rural town is close to Amsterdam and if there is a g..wait, what? Flying Screaming Monkeys?

And too think I was contemplating asking socks and chocolate this year.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This is pretty classic.

The Denver Post showed how second rate they truly are by using Melo's mugshot for their article about Melo's elbow injury... Still funny I guess...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
All I want for Christmas is a bottle of fresh "chowdah" flavored tears of bandwagon Celtics fans

Blogger Dr. Pym said...
Didn't S.H.I.E.L.D. make one of those? Shit, Fury had everything.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Lord Mamba uses his dark side powers to block bullets, he doesn't need a sissy-fied douche-rag to stop them. And Sith Heel O'neal repels them with his force-fat. In fact, Plaxico didn't shoot himself, he was attempting to assassinate Lord Mamba before he slayed all the jedi knights and took over the NBA, a much similar plan to what was worked out between Eli and Peyton years ago....Anyway, Kobe blocked the bullet and it deflected back at Buress. Lord Mamba then used the sith mind trick to convince Plaxico that he shot himself, a fitting punishment, as now the whole world thinks he's an idiot.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Oh yeah, fun with Mamba and crew!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Is that David Hasselhof wearing the bulletproof poloshirt?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
lordhenry: That has to be one of the best damn spoofs of that animated gif I've ever seen.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"bullet-proof fabric and features removable ballistic panels designed to offer protection from weaponry ranging from a 9mm pistol to an Uzi."

A "9mm pistol" and an UZI fire the EXACT SAME cartridge: 9mm Parabellum. I really trust my life to a manufacturer of body armor who doesn't grasp this simple concept.