This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there. I'm taking over today's Worst of the Night post, so you people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if I'm not back by dawn... call the president.

The Indiana Pacers: Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it." Well, turns out the Pacers aren't Jack Burton. The Raptors -- well, Chris Bosh aside -- gave the Pacers their best shot and pretty much knocked 'em the hell out. Everybody not named Bosh shot 66 percent (38-for-58) for Toronto, so the Raptors scored 74 points in the first half and eventually beat Indy 123-112. It was the Pacers' fourth straight defeat...and not really the way their coach wanted to follow up their double-digit loss to the Bobcats the other day.

Said Jim O'Brien: "I'm very disappointed. I thought we were horrible at Charlotte and I think the first half here was just like Charlotte. We just did not play with any defensive force and, as a result, we got pounded. ... You can't play one good quarter on the road and expect to win." Added Troy Murphy: "This was an unacceptable performance for us. We have aspirations of making the playoffs and this is definitely not getting us going in the right direction. We have to come out and play a lot better. ... We have to stop it, regardless of what it is. We have to figure it out quick."

Yeah, good luck with that, big guy.

Here's something I like to think of as a "secret stat" from the Pacers-Raptors game. Both teams committed 13 turnovers, but the Pacers gave up 20 points off theirs compared to 12 for the Raps. That's probably pretty meaningful.

Chris Bosh and Danny Granger: Two teams, two stars, plenty of bricks. These guys combined to shoot 16-for-46. Hey, you know what ol' Jack Burton says. If you can't hit a damn thing, it's time to either stop shooting or find a new gun. So my advice to these two guys would be "stop shooting." For God's sake, stop shooting.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Wizards stopped bickering like little girls fighting over the last Rob Pattinson poster long enough to pull out a 108-107 home win over an equally lousy Sixers team. What turns the tide in a battle of two bad teams? In this case, there was apparently something supernatural at work. See, Washington owner Abe Pollin kicked the bucket a few hours before the game, so the Wiz wanted to win one for the Gipper, if you catch my drift. And when Philly's Louis Williams threw up a three-pointer at the buzzer and it rimmed out, the only reasonable explanation seemed to be that ol' Abe's ghost slapped it off the rim.

Said Washington coach Flip Saunders: "I guess Mr. P, he probably contested that last shot better than anybody." Added Philly coach Eddie Jordan: "Maybe Abe's spirit knocked that out."

I know what you're probably thinking: is that even possible? Well, ya see, I'm not saying that I've been everywhere and I've done everything, but I do know it's a pretty amazing planet we live on here, and a man would have to be some kind of fool to think we're alone in this universe. So, yeah, it's possible. Of course, it's equally possible that the Sixers lost because they shot 40 percent, gave up 52 points in the paint, let Washington's backup center JaVale McGee block a career-high 6 shots, and just plain old suck. But, sure, it coulda' just been the ghost thing.

The New Jersey Nets: When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if you paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have you paid your dues, Jack? Yessir, the check is in the mail."

Speaking of which, are the Nets mailing in this season or what? Their 101-87 defeat in Denver was their 14th straight loss to start the season. That's pretty bad, right? The Nets are a few games away from going 0-17, which'll match the Clippers 0-17 start from back in the day. And you don't need ol' Jack Burton to tell you that you don't wanna do anything the Clippers ever did. Unless you want a one-way ticket to hell.

New Jersey got Courtney Lee back from injury, but that was about the last thing that went right for 'em. They shot 39 percent, got outscored 60-32 in the paint, got outscored 29-13 on the break, and gave up 20 points on 24 turnovers. Just think about everything you know about basketball, and then imagine the opposite. That's what the Nets did last night. At this point, I'd sooner admit one 'a my dumps clogged my buddy's toilet than tell people I was a Nets fan. But New Jersey coach Larry Frank is trying to put on his happy face: "It's your choice what you're going to focus on. What we choose to focus on is just today -- get better today. ... The future -- who knows? But right now, we know we have today and we're just going to focus on that."

What? Am I supposed to buy this shit? Fourteen games and you haven't gotten your focus straight? C'mon, Larry, you must be doing something seriously wrong!

The Utah Jazz: I'm a reasonable guy. But, I've just experienced some very unreasonable things, not the least of which has been the dual rise of the Oklahoma City Thunder and fall of the Utah Jazz. The Jazz use 'ta be pretty near invincible at home, but that ain't the case any more. Take last night's 104-94 loss to the Thunder for instance. Utah was down by 19 at one point in the fourth quarter. Yeah, they came back, but they still lost by double digits.

Looks like they got pretty careless with the basketball, too, 'cause they gave up 25 points off 24 turnovers. That ain't what you expect from a Jerry Sloan team, is it? And their star players, Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams, combined for 12 of those TOs. You know what ol' Jack Burton says. When the shit hits the fan, it's time to put the ball in your main guys' hands and roll the dice. Well, the dice came up snake eyes for the Jazz.

The Dallas Mavericks: All I know is, this Monta Ellis character comes out of thin air in the middle of the goddamn court while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for the Mavericks to try and get a hand in his face with light coming out of his mouth! At least, uh, at least that's what it felt like. Ellis scored 13 of his season-high 37 points in the fourth quarter, and Stephon Curry added 11 of his 18 points in the final 4 minutes as Golden State -- who had been down 96-87 with just over seven minutes to play -- finished the game with a 24-7 run to win 111-103. And they did that in Dallas, putting the breaks on the Mavs' five-game win streak despite becoming only the third team since the 1976-77 ABA/NBA merger to play six players in a game. You heard me. Six players...and one 'o those guys was Vladimire Radmanovic.

Said Dirk Nowitzki: "There are bad losses, and this is one of them." Well, no shit, big guy.

Monta Ellis: Ellis didn't just set a new season-high in scoring. He also committed a career-high 11 turnovers, which made him the first Golden State player to have that many bumbles since Chris Mullin threw the ball away 13 times against the Jazz on March 31, 1988. Ol' Jack Burton, he says, better slow down there, Monta. Like I told my last wife, I says, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes."

The New York Knicks: How did ol' Jack Burton feel going up against Lo Pan? Felt pretty good. I wasn't, uh, I wasn't scared at all. I just felt kind of... felt kind of invincible. I figure that's what it's gotta feel like playing against the New York Knicks. Those guys couldn't defend somebody with a loaded shotgun and a bag full 'o dynamite. I bet somebody like Kobe Bryant, he must circle games against the Knicks on the schedule and say, "Yeah, I'm gonna score 30 against those guys." Which is what he did, going off for 34 on 14-for-20 shooting. The Lakers also used their size to get in the Knicks' mugs, forcing New York to shoot about 38 percent. Oh, and the Lakers outrebounded them 60-34, which totally made up for the fact that L.A. coughed up 20 points on 25 turnovers.

"Big Shot" Larry Hughes, who was his typical 3-for-9 self, said: "We were trying to be tough and aggressive on the defensive end and make it tough for them early in the game, but they used their length and were able to get a lot of looks right in front of the basket. We took a lot of contested jump shots and didn't score, and it puts pressure on us when we're not getting stops." When you're not getting stops? Well, shoot, then I guess you're always under pressure. You know what ol' Jack Burton says when somebody needs to get stops? Try a hand in the face sometime.

Eddy Curry: I'm gonna tell you about an accident, and I don't wanna hear "act of God." Eddy Curry played six minutes last night, and he's already hurt. Tweaked a knee. Hell, if some crazy Chinese wizard used his amazing magical powers to transform Curry into, I don't know, an egg shell or a piece of peanut brittle, I think Eddy would actually be tougher than he is now.

Lacktion report: Ol' Jack Burton says here's a lacktion report from ol' Chris.

Sixers-Generals: DeShawn Stevenson conjured up a 1.6 trillion (1:36) for the not-so-magical illusionists (whose illusion of being an Association-worthy team has vanished much of this season).

Nyets-Nuggets: Sean Williams bartered a mere board in 10:47 (as well as two blocks), but fouled and lost the rock thricely each for a sucktackular 6:1 Voskuhl!!!!

Thunder-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko found a trove of 2.1 trillion (2:07) as the rest of the beboppers in Salt Lake City failed to improvise a win around such a lacktive arrangement.

Labels: Big Trouble In Little China, Dallas Mavericks, Golden State Warriors, guest celebrity, Indiana Pacers, Jack Burton, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night