Note: above image is 23.9% more humorous when

Grant Hill and Channing Frye weren't much better. When they aren't scoring (and they weren't, 8-26 shooting) they comprise a sieve-like defensive combination of age and softness. Enter Peja Stojakovic, who is in a 10 ppg, 37% FG slump to start the season. Stojakovic realizes this and licks his chops, or whatever a guy like Peja would lick in this situation, and proceeds to drops 25 points and seven 3s.

Misguided Overconfidence: After starting 3-7, the Hornets have put together a mildly promising 2-1 win streak. But before you declare the Hornets comeback "official" and dust off your Rex Chapman jersey, realize that the Dead Coach Bounce and the Wounded Tiger Theory are both in effect. And yes, these are stackable.

Update! Chronic Loserization: As AnacondaHL pointed out, "The Suns have now lost 15 straight games when televised on TNT. As an East Coaster, seeing as how TNT provided most of my live Suns coverage, it now makes more sense, these feelings of pessimistic fandom." Since we all know the Knicks are the Brooklyn Brawlers of nationally televised games, does this make the Suns the Iron Mike Sharpes?

Forgotten Suckitude: The Jazz got their first road win against the Spurs in ten years. Time to party like it's 1999! And by "party like it's 1999" I mean listening to the timeless sounds of Smash Mouth, watching the President almost get impeached over a blow job, and wondering when Howard Eisley and Jacque Vaughn will steal old man Stockton's starting job.

Michael Finley: Coughed up an 0-for-6 shooting night, along with one board and a plus/minus of -12 in 23 minutes of lacktion. Now is a good time to point out that Finley is the oldest player on one of the league's oldest teams. Since Parker and Ginobili are both out, next time they ask Finley to pick up the slack, they should give him a Reach Grabber. Right after they install a chair in the locker room showers for him. I wonder if he calls dinner "supper"? Ok, I'm done.

Luol Deng: fell back to earth in spectacular "we should have totally traded you for KG" fashion against the Lakers. Six points on 3-for-11 shooting in 36 minutes. The Bulls could have used his barrage of 18-foot jumpers, since the rest of the guys looked not-quite-as-bad-as-usual on offense (48% shooting, 24 assists and 12 turnovers). Up until this year, Ron-Ron calling himself a "defensive stopper" held about as much credibility as winning a Slammy. But this year, the Lakers are a full 16 points better on defense with him on the floor, not including the above Ron Mercer-like night he forced out of Luol Deng. Speaking of..

Ron Artest: Artest apparently made amends with John Green, the Detroit fan that threw the cup of Diet Coke that led to the damndest thing anyone has ever seen at a live sporting event. Since then, the Pacers franchise is now synonymous with thug athletes and bad attitudes, despite a jersey change and a complete roster house-cleaning since 2004. Attendance is down 15% and there are talks of the team relocating or folding. But as long as Ron Artest and some guy in Michigan feel better about the mess they created, that's a relief.

Update! Lacktion Report: My bad for forgetting to forward Chris' lacktion report to Statbuster. Maybe I should include myself in the report? -Basketbawful

Suns-Hornets: Jarron Collins took a board in 4:38, only to foul twice and lose the rock once for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Spurs: As Jerry Sloan's team finally won in San Antonio for the first time since the Alamodome was remembered, Kosta Koufos celebrated as the human victory cigar with a +2 suck differential via foul and turnover in 3:49, also counting as a 2:0 Voskuhl. Kyrylo Fesenko's 11:18 stint as starting big man produced a steal, board, and two assists - but also generated four fouls and a giveaway for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Bulls-Lakers: Sasha Vujacic machined multiple bricks - three from the Library Tower to be exact - to annoyingly add a +3 in 4:34 to the ledger!!!

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, dead coach bounce, Indiana Pacers, old teams, Ron Artest