Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Dwyane Wade, Indiana Pacers, Miami Heat

Don't be sad, Roy. There's always nex...oh, wait, you're on the Pacers. Nevermind.
The Atlanta Hawks: Let's see, despite being savaged by Dwight Howard for four straight games, the Dirty Birds managed to build a 3-1 series lead. With a chance to finish the Magic off in Game 5, they (and foul trouble) limited Howard to 8 points on 1-for-4 shooting and 8 rebounds in only 29 minutes.

Said Joe Johnson: "I'm looking forward to playing in the second round of the pla..."

Wait. Hold on a second.

Atlanta trailed by as many as 32 points and lost 101-76? Ooooooooo...I feel a "they are who we thought they were" coming on. Must. Resist.

But, honestly, the Hawks were bawful in so many bawful ways. They scored only 13 points (on 3-for-19 shooting) in the first quarter and finished the half down 58-35.

And, just like that, the game was over.

Atlanta's offense was, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, like watching a bunch of retards try and hump a doorknob. The Hawks shot 36 percent from the field, shanked 12 of their 16 three-point attempts and bricked 10 free throws. The committed 13 turnovers to only 6 for Orlando, which was a franchise playoff record for the Magic.

Getting back to Atlanta's first quarter of fail, check out this snippet from the AP recap: "The Magic were leading 10-8 when Howard picked up his second personal foul of the night with 5:40 left in the first, but Orlando closed with a 16-5 run without him. Redick had the hot hand, going 5 for 5 in the period and scoring the Magic's last 11 points."

Yes, you read that correctly, Redick shot the Hawks right out of the air.

Quick impression for you: Caw! Caw! Bang! Fuck I'm dead!

(I assume everybody's seen The Crow. If not...what the hell?)

Said Atlanta coach Larry Drew: "We're in a situation where we still feel good about ourselves. We'll go back home. We still have an opportunity. Our fans are gonna be behind us, just as their fans were behind them. So we're gonna put this game behind us as fast as we can."

I have no idea how the Hawks could possibly feel good about themselves. They won Game 3 thanks to an unintentionally banked three by Jamal Crawford and Game 4 thanks to Jason Richardson's suspension. Then they didn't even bother to try in Game 5. Plus...they're the Hawks. They have a long and storied history of playoff chokes. If any team in this postseason was going to surrender a 3-1 series lead, my money would be on Atlanta. It's in their franchise DNA.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: On his team's shooting: "We're a good shooting team. This is more of us than what we showed in the first four games. ... This isn't an aberration. We've been doing this for four years. The first four games were the aberration."

Stat check: The Magic shot 41 percent (34-for-83) for the game.

Joe Johnson: The 119 Million Dollar Man finished with 5 points on 2-for-12 shooting. And the Hawks were outscored by 28 points when he was on the floor. Only Jamal Crawford (-30) had a worse plus-minus score.

The Indiana Pacers: It happened. It finally happened. The Bulls started doing Bulls things, and the Pacers became the Pacers again. After a reasonably competitive first half, Indy got outscored 62-43 over the final 24 minutes. As a team, they shot 39.2 percent from the field and gave up 34 points off 21 turnovers. They also gave up 17 fast break points and got their eyebrows singed off as the Bulls shot 14-for-31 from downtown.

The beating truly began thanks to an MVP-like stretch from Derrick Rose, who erupted out of the slump he was in during Games 3 and 4.

With 5:52 left in the third quarter and the Bulls leading 61-57, Rose dished to Taj Gibson for an 18-footer. On Chicago's next possession, Rose drilled a three-pointer to push the lead to 66-57. On the other end, Rose made an amazing block on Roy Hibbert (see below). With 4:31 to go in the third, Rose nailed another three. Five seconds later, he stole the ball from Darren Collison, sprinted the other way, drew a foul from Tyler Hansbrough, and converted one of two free throws. Then, with 2:47 left in the quarter, Rose lobbed in yet another three-bomb to make it 75-60.

And the rout was on.

Rose wasn't the only slump buster. As a team, the Bulls pulled out of the dreadful offensive funk they were in. Well, everybody except Carlos Boozer, that is. To wit: Boozer, who suffered a turf toe injury during the second quarter, finished with fewer points (2) than Rasual Butler (3).

Boozer aside, the Bulls literally blew the lid off the rim. Not figuratively. Literally. There was an actual explosion. With fire. And stuff.

Luol Deng scored 24 points on 7-for-14 shooting, adding 6 rebounds, 7 assists and 3 steals for good measure. With his grandfather and hot sister watching from the stands, Joakim Noah had 14 points, 8 rebounds, 4 blocks and 3 steals. Chicago's Bench Mob added 36 points and 15 rebounds. Taj Gibson in particular delivered a strong performance (10 points and 7 boards) in relief of Boozer.

And Keith Bogans -- yes, that Keith Bogans -- went 5-for-7 from downtown and finished with 15 points. For those who enjoy random stats: The Bulls are now 27-2 when Bogans scores at least 6 points.

Oh, and did I mention yet that Kyle "The Four-Inch Vertical" Korver dunked?

Yep. It was that kinda night for the Bulls. And that kinda loss for the Pacers.

I have to tip my hat and offer a firm handshake to Frank Vogel and his boys, because Indy really gave the Bulls all they could handle. But, in lieu of TNT's "gone fishin'" act, I must nonetheless present "The Lonely Man" theme:


Ah, now, if only the Pacers could have lost with a little more dignity...

Josh McRoberts, lover: Okay. I have no real proof that McBob is a lover...but I have to assume he is because he sure ain't a fighter. Case in point: Watch him try to punch at Joakim Noah and hit...nothing but air.


Said McRoberts: "I was trying to shove back to defend myself."

Uh huh. Right.

For his shadowboxing efforts, McBob was booted and Noah got free throws. That probably should have been the end of this embarrassing spectacle. But it wasn't...

Danny Granger, whine machine: After the game, Granger couldn't let the McRoberts-Noah skirmish go. Couldn't or wouldn't.

Said Granger: "[Joakim Noah] pulled a cowardly move. He cheap-shotted a couple of my teammates, and one gets thrown out ... The refs never catch what he did ... it's cowardly. And I'm going to say something about it. I wanted to say something about it all the way to the game was over. I just don't think the game should be played that way. You can play hard and fight and battle, but when you start cheap-shotting people it gets out of hand."

Uhm, okay. As Shakespeare might say, the lady doth protest too much, methinks. Or did Granger forget about this:


Or this:


Or this:


The Pacers kept this series competitive by making it extremely physical and, at times, dirty. They grabbed. They pushed. The hacked. They threw elbows and committed fouls that were borderline flagrant (or deemed flagrant by the league after the fact) in every game. The Bulls finally retaliate and...they're the dirty ones?

As Stacey King said: "Now, the rabbit's the one holding the gun, and the Pacers don't like it."

Granger continued: He's a dirty player, honestly." What's more, Granger apparently had to be restrained from going after Noah as the teams exchanged handshakes on the court after the game.

Really, Danny? Really?

Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau's response? Whatever.

Said Thibs: "It's just heat of the battle stuff."

Added Noah: "I played dirty? Ok. I'm just trying to win basketball games, man. It's the name of the game. I'm just out there trying to do what I gotta do. Like I said, I give a lot of credit to their team. The play hard as hell. They were competitive. I don't have anything bad to say about them. Everybody saw what happened out there. Now you want to call me a dirty player? I don't think I've ever been a dirty player. It is what it is. It's ok."

Look, the Pacers wanted the games to resemble urban warfare when it benefitted them, and they made a mess in their panties when, after four games, the Bulls started using their tactics against them. I'm just sayin', if you live by the sword, you don't get to complain when somebody runs you through with one.

What makes Granger's sniping worse is that, despite the showering of cheap shots and hard fouls, the Bulls took the high road all series long. They refused to call Foster dirty even after he pulled a Randy Savage on Deng's head. Thibodeau's general response to Indy's bullying tactics: "They're just playing hard. Period."

Then, in defeat, Granger takes the low road with accusations of "cowardly" and "dirty" play. Not Danny's finest hour.

Carlos Boozer: He finished off a nightmarish series by getting outscored by Rasual Butler and suffering a turf toe injury. Now even his own teammates won't high five him. Fail.

H/T to Dan B. for the link.

Roy Hibbert: The officials are bringing out the chains. Okay. The measurements are: Derrick Rose 6'3", Roy Hibbert 7'1". This is important because...


Paul George, layup master: Basketbawful reader gf provided the video for this great moment in Pacers playoff history:


Bulls fans: For whatever reason, the bloggers (other than myself) and commenters at ESPN's Daily Dime Live chat really love to give Bulls fans crap. Because, apparently, only non-Bulls fans get to talk crap.

Anyway, pictures like these aren't going to shift the paradigm:

This shouldn't happen. Ever.
The New Orleans Hornets: Look, we all knew the Hornets were going to have to play another perfect game to win in L.A. last night, and it didn't happen. They some things right, shooting 49 percent from the field and going 10-for-21 from three-point range.

But two things went wrong: They committed 19 turnovers and got outrebounded 42-25. That rebounding deficit included a 15-3 drubbing on the offensive glass. Between the TOs and the offensive boards, the Lakers got eight more field goal attempts and nine more foul shots.

Want more stats? I've got more stats.

From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Lakers finally took advantage of their size inside, outscoring the Hornets 42-30 in the paint. The Lake Show held a 15-3 advantage in offensive rebounds, 22-2 advantage in 2nd-chance points and 7-3 advantage in blocked shots."

Yes, it's true. The Lakers are tall.

Moreover, L.A. got balanced scoring, with six players in double figures: Kobe (18), Andy Bynum (18), The Spanish Marshmallow (16), Derek Fisher (13), The Candy Man (13) and Mr. Citizenship (11). L.A.'s bench outscored the New Orleans reserves 29-14. The Lakers weren't exactly overpowering, but they assumed control in the second quarter and semi-cruised to a 106-90 win.

And, more importantly, a 3-2 series lead.

Said Trevor Ariza: "They got 15 offensive rebounds. They were in the paint all day. They were more aggressive, and they took it to us. They played well. There's nothing that we can say."

Emeka Okafor and Carl Landry, poster boys: One of the most ridiculous and overblown subplots of this game was the status of Kobe's ankle and how he bravely refused an MRI because he doesn't want to know how badly he's hurt. The way Lakers fans were talking, Mamba needed his entire leg amputated, but he was gonna play through it through sheer force of will.

"He's Kobe Bryant! All he cares about is winning! Winning! WINNING!!!"

Reality check: No amount of will power would allow anyone to do this on a broken ankle. The human body doesn't work that way.


Said Hornets coach Monty Williams: "All this talk about his ankle. Did it look like his ankle was hurting? OK then."

Added Kobe: "I just had a lane to the basket. It looked like he was going to challenge me at the rim, and I decided to accept the challenge. ... It's a message for us that this was important. It's time to raise up and do what we've got to do. They're not saved dunks. I don't have much of those left."

I'm not saying Kobe's ankle wasn't sore. But I also think he likes to, ahem, help craft his legend.

Chris' Playoff Lacktion Report: Sorry, folks. Forgot this on the first pass.

Hawks-Magic: Jason Collins collected a board and assist in 14:04 as starting big man, only to brick once and foul twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Pacers-Bulls: Jeff Foster's last playoff game of the year managed to generate two boards in 9:44, but also three fouls and two turnovers for a 5:2 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Lakers: Jason Smith soured a field goal in 8:01 with three fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Labels: 2011 NBA Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers, Kobe Bryant, New Orleans Hornets, Worst of the Night

Why do pictures of Pacers fans always leave me feeling depressed?
Footbawful! Only one end zone will be used at Wrigley Field for tomorrow night's Northwestern/Illinois football game. Here are the rules that will be followed to accomodate such a ridiculous effort. Big Ten Commissioner James E. Delany explained: “Both Illinois and Northwestern did significant due diligence over the past 18 months, but after seeing the actual layout of the field, all parties felt that it was appropriate to adjust the rules to further enhance the safety of our student-athletes." Well, apparently their due diligence wasn't significant enough! What did they do? Forego actually measuring stuff out and drawing up a blueprint or a CAD model? I mean, I'm sure it was cheaper to just have some guy walk onto the field and go "yeah, this looks like it'll fit," but there's got to be a better due diligence strategy than that.
Some of the best Twitter reactions to this news:

espn_page2: This seems... less than ideal.
bruce_arthur: First rule of Northwestern-Illinois game: Nobody throw any interceptions! Second rule: Nobody fumble! Third rule: No blocked kicks! #christ
bomani_jones: so i understand: it actually took someone PUTTING THE GOALPOST ON THE BRICK WALL to see what a bad idea this was?
bomani_jones: i also imagine that field, someone making a horrified face, and an engineer saying, "wait, you don't like it?"
espn_page2: Maybe Northwestern-Illinois can be like old-school video games, where when a player intercepts a pass, the whole field spins around.
HardyVision: Big deal, Ron Zook's played plenty of games where there only was scoring in 1 endzone...

Of course, this isn't the only epic fail seen this week in Chicago. Behold:



Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I really missed seeing you go 0-for-8 from the field, Hedo!""Ball."

You already saw this picture like eighty times in the WOTN comic, but damnit, it's worth seeing againAlso, we really need to start a pool on "When will VDN be fired?"

Aww man, why did I have to go and waste my Saturday Night Fever reference on last night's post?

Demoralizing.

The rest of the Suns were taking it from behind last night, might as well do it to Josh Childress as well

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Thunder at Celtics, ESPN, 7pm: Per Lisa Salters: "Kevin Durant tells me he is 50-50 for tonite. Turned his left ankle WED v. Houston. MRI yesterday negative." And suddenly this game threatened to become 800% less interesting.

Bulls at Mavericks, ESPN, 9:30pm: The Circus Trip continues! You know you want to watch.

All The Other Friday Games:
Bucks at 76ers, 7pm: This game on the other hand... you know you don't want to watch.

Grizzlies at Wizards Generals, 7pm: John Wall's ankle can't heal fast enough for the poor Generals. You never want Gilbert Arenas leading you into battle.

Rockets at Craptors, 7pm: Speaking of injuries, it sounds like Yao Ming will be out at least another two weeks. So that means it'll be three weeks until he begins his next stint on the injured list.

Bobcraps at Heat, 7:30pm: From what I gather, the Heat will need the guys at The Basketball Jones to make a smack video about Chris Bosh every gameday to motivate him. Good luck with that.

Cavaliers at Hornets, 8pm: Food for thought: the Cavaliers bench has been leading the league in bench scoring at 44 ppg. Maybe all the stuff about LeBron never having a good supporting cast was just a tiny bit overblown?

Lakers at Timberwolves, 8pm: And thus ends the miraculous two-game stretch of Darko not playing like Darko.

Spurs at Jazz, 9pm: Anyone else excited to see Tony Parker the next few games? I'm going to keep an eye out for pictures of him trying to seduce women in the stands, particularly in the wives and girlfriends section.

Nyets at Kings, 10pm: The Nyets' defense has been surprisingly good. Unfortunately, their offense is offensively horrible. They must be overjoyed to get a chance to play against the Purple Paupers to help turn things around!

Bricks at Warriors, 10:30pm: _efense! (clap clap) _efense! (clap clap) Also, this video cracks me the hell up.


* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Mavericks at Hawks, NBA TV, 8pm: Interesting stats... Dallas is not a terribly high scoring offense (23rd in the league at 97.3PPG), but they are 6th in the league in assists (22.7 APG). By the numbers, that is efficient, quality ball movement. However, I haven't actually sat down and watched a Mavs game yet this year. Can anyone confirm?

All The Other Saturday Games:
Magic at Pacers, 7pm: Well, at least we have an entertaining coach to make this game interesting. (Thank you, Stan Van Gundy) Speaking of entertaining coaches, why was I unaware of this coach until after he retired? This guy is awesome:
(via Deadspin)
Suns at Bobcraps, 7pm: Oh please please please tell me Nash will be healthy for this game. I don't think I could stand another embarrassing loss right now.

Heat at Grizzlies, 8pm: Do people in Tennessee really even care about the Grizzlies? (I suppose I could drive the 4 hours to Memphis to find out, but why???) College sports are huge in this general area, however, so I assume this would be of bigger news to Tennessee basketball fans: Bruce Pearl has been suspended for the first 8 SEC games of Tennessee's season. All because he had some kid over for a barbeque. (Gross oversimplifcation, but just go with it) All I can say is that better damn well have been one awesome barbeque. If they smoked some ribs and a whole pork shoulder or something, it's totally worth it.

Thunder at Bucks, 8:30pm: Good time for the Bucks to catch the Thunder. They'll be on the second night of a back-to-back (both road games) after a game against the Celtics, not to mention Durant isn't 100%. If they have anything resembling offense, now would be a good time to prove it.

Cavaliers at Spurs, 8:30pm: Cleveland is pretty awful at rebounding at the moment (28th in the NBA). Have fun, Tim Duncan, DeJuan Blair, and Antonio McDyess!

Nyets at Nuggets, 9pm: Anyone else just not that interested in seeing Melo go through the motions like a prostitute on her fourth john of the day?

Jazz at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Just FYI Jazz fans, Baron Davis has got this shit under control. Great scott!

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Hornets at Kings, NBA TV, 6pm: According to Bill Simmons, "...I never realized how much Cousins would struggle to stay on the court. Through nine games: 196 minutes, 40 fouls. That's 9.8 fouls per 48 minutes, which (if it held) would be the highest number for anyone averaging 16-plus minutes since Danny Fortson's legendary 12.0 in 2005." Greg Oden might be hurt, but his foul-the-bejesus-out-of-everyone spirit lives on.

All The Other Sunday Games:
Celtics at Craptors, 1pm: Rondo's going to be handing out more dimes than the people passing by the Salvation Army bucket going into the grocery store.

Wizards Generals at Pistons, 6pm: Just go Google Image Search "facepalm" and save me the trouble.

Warriors at Lakers, 9:30pm: While I am pleasantly surprised to see the Warriors are actually halfway good this year, I have to admit... it's really a bummer to go through the game pictures each day and not have guaranteed comedy from pictures of Don Nelson coaching.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Footbawful, Hedo Turkoglu, Indiana Pacers, Vinny Del Negro

Naturally, Boozer was injured shortly after this picture was taken. I'm kinda surprised he got through the press conference without a strained hammy.
The Chicago Bulls

The Bulls have nine new players and a new coaching staff. Sure, management whiffed on their attempts to sign LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and/or Chris Bosh. But all is not lost. They have a former All-Star (Carlos Boozer), a couple of possible future All-Stars (Joakim Noah and Taj Gibson), and a budding Superstar (Derrick Rose). They imported shooters (Kyle Korver, C.J. Watson, Keith Bogans), an athlete (Ronnie Brewer) and a crafty veteran (Kurt Thomas). Oh, and they have Luol Deng. For 60-65 games anwway. If they're lucky.

Of course, Boozer set a personal record by getting injured before he'd even played a single preseason game. By falling over a bag. At home. Seriously. The dude probably won't be back until December. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brewer (sore hamstring), C.J. Watson (strained left quadriceps), Taj Gibson (sore right heel) and now Kyle Korver (cyst in his left ankle) have all had ticky-tac injuries. If a window mysteriously slams shut on Noah's hands or a piano falls out of the sky and lands on Rose, I'm going to start thinking the Curse of the Billy Goat has been transferred from the Cubs to the Bulls (with a brief layover at Soldier Field to hit Jay Cutler with another 23 sacks).

With Boozer out, the Bulls might be a casualty of their schedule: In November -- a stretch of 13 games -- Chicago faces eight playoff teams and a Houston squad that should return to the playoffs if Yao Ming can stay healthy for a change. After a tough opening stretch in which they face the Trail Blazers (home), Celtics (road) and Nuggets (home), the Bulls close out the month with a brutal seven-game road trip that features two sets of back-to-backs and consecutive games against the Rockets, Spurs, Mavericks, Lakers, Suns and Nuggets.

And did I mention this team has a league-high 23 sets of back-to-back games?

There's really no figuring out how good the Bulls will be until Boozer is back and manages to shake off the rust from his layoff. But injuries -- seriously, can we just schedule Deng's 15-game absence in advance? -- and a rugged calendar of events will cap this team's potential at 40-45 games. Unless Rose and Noah can make a big leap up. Without falling back down and landing on their heads.

The Cleveland Cavaliers

At this point, it's hard to tell which would have been more devestating to Cleveland: LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach or just dropping a couple nukes on the city. I'm going to go with the LeBron thing. At least the nukes would have been quick and less heartwrenching. Who wouldn't prefer instant incineration or death by radiation poisoning to the hopeless pining for your former hero? Let's face it, King Crab didn't just stab Cleveland in the back, he treated the wound with a lemon juice and acid drip. Every triple-double he has for the Heat will just be another shot to the city's crotch. That's what Clevelanders are in store for: 82 games worth of kicks to the groin.

So what's left? Even with a back-to-back MVP, this squad couldn't make it to the NBA Finals. Heck, last season, the Cavs didn't even reach the Eastern Conference Finals. Now it's Mo Williams, Anthony Parker, Antawn Jamison, J.J. Hickson and Anderson Varejao against The World. I don't know about you, but my money's on The World. And I'm betting big.

It's hard to determine what kind of ceiling this team has -- will they be runny, oozing poop or the hard, calcified kind? -- but I can tell you this much: When new coach Byron Scott falls asleep on the bench this season, he'll be dreaming wistfully of his past firings and begging for the sweet, sweet release his next axing will bring.

The Detroit Pistons

During the summer of 2009, Joe Dumars lost his damn mind and dropped $90 million on Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva. (Every time I type that sentence, I have-wonder whether I've lost control of my fingers.) Mind you, those signings happened in the immediate aftermath of trading Chauncey Billups -- only the heart and soul of the freaking team -- for Allen Iverson, who basically quit the team after being relegated to a bench role (a fact that Dumars actually tried to hide by citing a back injury). Anyway, after Dumars obliterated the team's cap space for the foreseeable future, the Pistons suffered all sorts of injuries and essentially fell apart.

And you know what? For Dumars, that was the best thing that could have happened. The injuries provided a smokescreen and built-in excuse for failure. "But, but, but...we were injured, man! Wait 'till next year!"

Yeah, well, next year is here, Joe.

Take a gander at this team's roster. The starting point guard (Rodney Stuckey) isn't a point guard (according to ESPN's John Hollinger, Stuckey ranked 64th out of 71 point guards in assist ratio). Their starting shooting guard (Rip Hamilton) is in the midst of a steady decline and his backup (Gordon) is a defenseless gunner. Tayshaun Prince still does a little bit of everything well, but nothing great. Villanueva is a spotty shooter (who loves to shoot!) and a lousy defender. Ben Wallace is the team's starting center. I know he was better than expected last season, but that was mostly in comparison the dead, rotting body everybody thought he was. Trust me, he won't have a second rivival year.

The bench -- Jason Maxiell and Will Bynum in particular -- used to get a lot of hype, but the shine's off the apple. And Dumars brought in Tracy McGrady for...what exactly? Does the team get some kind of tax relief for taking on crippled players?

Detroit's offense is going to revolve around isolations, clearouts, relentless chucking of outside shots and whatever Big Ben can scrape up on the offensive glass. As for the defense, I hope Dumars spent whatever was left in the petty cash jar on matador capes. This team will be lucky to win 30 games. And trust me, those are going to be 30 of the ugliest games you're going to see this season.

The Indiana Pacers

Larry Bird's master plan for rebuilding the Pacers took a major blow this offseason when Bird willingly sacrificed one of his slow white players (Troy Murphy) in return for two African American players (Darren Collison and James Posey). It was a rare smart move by Bird, which makes me wonder whether he fell asleep at the Trade Machine, accidentally mashed some keys, and didn't wake up in time to cancel the deal. Larry, what happened? Didn't you realize there are still some white players in the league who aren't on your roster? I mean, did you even try to sign Kyle Korver? What's going on here?!

In all seriousness, I like the Collison acquisition for Indy. This team has been searching for a reliable point guard since Mark Jackson left. That's been a long time, by the way. Danny Granger is a strong scorer who doesn't do much else. (Me being me, I don't like the fact that he shot 42 percent from the field last year. Plus his durability is in question -- Granger has missed 15 and 20 games the past two seasons.) After those two guys, the Pacers have...uhm...what exactly? Think about it. Think really, really hard. Don't pop a vein or anything, though.

That's what I'm talking about. In 2003-04, the Pacers finished 61-21, which was the best record in the league. In 2004-05, Ron Artest lost his mind and destroyed the team, maybe forever. Since The Malice at the Palace, the Pacers have won 44, 41, 35, 36, 36 and 32 games. This season, they'll probably be just plucky enough to win another 35 games or so. If Larry keeps this up, they'll be a 35-win team for the rest of the decade.

I've said it before: God hates the Pacers.

The Milwaukee Bucks

The Bucks are generating some serious darkhorse buzz. And on paper, there's reason for optimism. Their starting lineup -- Brandon Jennings, John Salmons, Corey Maggette, Drew Gooden and Andrew Bogut -- are projected to be worth about 100 PPG this season. Plus, the Bucks have some reserves (Carlos Delfino, Luc Richard Mbah A Moute, Kenyon Dooling and Chris Douglas-Roberts) who can make some noise off the bench. And hey, what if Michael Redd regains what is known as "human function" in his surgically repaired knee? The sky is the limit, dear readers.

Oh, who am I kidding? Last season, Scott Skiles somehow kept from losing his shit despite the wildly misdirected shooting of Brandon Jennings. This year, he's going to have to deal with perennial underachievers in Maggette and Gooden. I can tell you from experience that Skiles doesn't handle underachievers very well. If his head hasn't exploded -- Scanners-style! -- by the trade deadline, we need to check his basement for Body Snatcher pods.

Should other NBA teams "Fear the Deer"? Maybe. The team's got talent (although I wonder where their three-point shooting is going to come from). And they overachieved last season even in the face of adversity and injuries. My take: This team looks better on paper than it actually is. The Bucks could win 45 games or so -- have you taken a look around the Eastern Conference? Blech! -- but do you think guys on the Celtics, Heat or Magic are quaking in their very expensive sneakers? Yeah. Me neither.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Milwaukee Bucks, NBA season preview

An era of horror in New Jersey finally, mercifully comes to an end.
The Indiana Pacers: So much for the "surging" Pacers. Indy had won 11 of its last 14 games including 10 of 11 at home. And, in their final home game of the season, the Pacers treated their fans to a 118-98 stink-bomb loss in which they had a 43-24 disadvantage in free throw attempts and got outrebounded 53-38. So...when do the Butler Bulldogs start playing again?

Said Troy Murphy: "No excuses. We just didn't have it tonight from start to finish."

In related news, the Pacers are 27th in attendance, ahead of only the Grizzlies, Kings and Nyets. The only surprise there is that Indy wasn't dead last. But then again, the only other thing to do in Indiana is watch corn slowly grow, so maybe it makes a little sense.

Pictured: Why I don't like telling peoplethat I'm originally from Indiana.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Speaking of last home games of the season, the Sixers -- who rank 26th in attendance -- tried to go out on a high note against the "surging" Heat. But not even the Curse of Surge could help Philly, who lost on a Udonis Haslem jumper with 1.3 seconds left despite shooting 55 percent for the game.

Andre "The Other 80 Million Dollar Man" Iguodala, who missed five free throws in the two-point loss (including two straight with 2:41 left and his team down two), said: "We had the game in our hands, but we let it slip away. We made some mistakes down the stretch and we don't give ourselves an attempt to try to win or tie the game up."

There's no better way to sum up Philly's season. Short of an interpretive seizure that ends with uncontrollable vomiting and defecation.

The Detroit Pistons: Speaking once again of final home games of the season, the Pistons -- who inexplicably rank 8th in attendance -- got to wrap up their home schedule against a Chris Bosh-less Craptors team that had lost five in a row and 18 of their last 25 games. Oh, and Toronto was also playing the second of back-to-back games, the first of which was a 104-88 home court fail to the equally hapless Chicago Bulls.

So of course the Craptors got 33 points from Andrea Bargnani and a career-high 26 from Amir Johnson to win 111-97 in the Palace of Auburn Hills.

Defense was a problem. As summed up in the AP recap: "The Raptors had assists on 21 of their first 22 field goals, finished with a season-high 37 assists, and made 60 percent of their shots overall and on 3-pointers." In other words, there weren't any hands in any faces in Detroit last night.

In the process, the Pistons (26-55) have guaranteed their worst record since going 20-62 in the 1993-94 season. What's more, this will be the first year Detroit hasn't made the playoff since 2001.

Said Tayshaun Prince: "It's really disappointing."

Don't worry, Detroit fans. Only a few short months before the Lions open training camp!

Charlie Villanueval: Charlie V. -- one half of Joe Dumars' $90 million offseason spending spree -- had this to say on his Twitter account hours before his team's tipoff against the Craptors:

Toronto tonight at the palace, sorry Toronto fans, have love for u fans but Detroit is going to win

Guarantee win tonight, yeah I said it

And this is what he tweeted a few hours after the game:

Thank God I don't gamble cause I will be terrible at, lol

LOL!!!!

And this is what Villanueva told the press: "I don't think that fired them up because they had something to play for. I thought we would come ready to play, and I'm shocked we didn't after the way we've played lately."

I wonder if Charlie V. realizes his team has won 26 games this season. This loss isn't all that shocking. What's shocking is that Detroit fans haven't started chucking bricks during games.

The New Jersey Nyets: Speaking yet again about final home games of the season, the Nyets -- a mortal lock for this season's last place attendence record -- finished their run at the Izod Center with a double-digit loss to the Charlotte Bobcats in which they shot 39 percent and missed 20 of 24 three-pointers. As the AP recap put it: "The New Jersey Nets opened their 29-year NBA stay at the Meadowlands with a loss and they ended the run the same way."

How very fitting.

Devin Harris -- whose team is 35-109 since he said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" in December of 2008 -- said: "It's disappointing losing the last game at Izod. But it's been like that for us all season."

Remember how the Nyets supposedly "fleeced" the Mavericks by getting Harris and DeSagana Diop in the Jason Kidd trade? Man, that seems forever and a week ago. Maybe Mark Cuban knew what he was doing after all...

Larry Brown, quote machine: As the AP recap pointed out: "The constant in both events was Larry Brown. He coached the Nets that night in 1981 against the Knicks and he was back for the final game to guide the Charlotte Bobcats over New Jersey 105-95 on Monday night."

To which Larry responded: "I was here for the first and the last. What does that tell you? How dumb are these people who keep hiring me? I'm sure over my career I've been in a lot of buildings and outlasted them. Me. Nelly [Don Nelson] and Lenny [Wilkens]. Coach [Jerry] Sloan. I don't know if that's a good thing."

The Milwaukee Bucks: Still speaking about final home games of the season -- do you sense a theme here? -- the previously surging but currently Andrew Bogut-less Bucks couldn't defend (giving up 53 percent shooting) or throw the ball into the ocean (shooting 38 percent as a team). As a result, they lost to the Hawks 104-96 and got dumped to sixth place in the Eastern Conference playoff race. Ah, but what does playoff seeding mean, anyway? Just ask rookie Brandon Jennings, veteran of exactly zero playoff games.

Said Jennings: "It's either Atlanta or Boston. I think they are both beatable for us. We've been hanging with them the whole year."

Aw! Rookies are so cute when they're being stupid.

Update! The Sacramento Kings: Hey, have I mentioned any last home games of the season yet? Well, the Paupers lost theirs. And it was a classic revenge game, as Kevin Martin -- who got voted off Excremento Island in favor of 'Reke the Freak -- had his second-highest scoring game of the season: 39 points on 11-for-20 from the field and 16-for-16 from the line.

Meanwhile, Evans -- thanks to some shot happiness and ball-hoggery -- joined Oscar Robertson, Michael Jordan and LeBron James in the 20-5-5 Rookie Club, which probably doesn't take that much of the sting out of Sacto's 25-56 record. Although, because of that record, 'Reke's record was pretty much the only reason the fans showed up. Just ask Paul Westphal: "This game was more about extraneous things more than the actual wins or losses. I think the players sensed that."

Yeah. I think the players have sensed that for a while, Paul. In related news, the Kings picked up the option on Westphal's contract for 2011-12 before the game.

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "I didn't even know what was going on. Then finally they put 20-5-5 up there. I was more than happy to let him have that and we will take the win and go home."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. One more "losing their final home game of the season" entry...which is what the Clippers did in getting pounded by the Mavericks 117-94. Okay, okay. Technically, The Other L.A. Team will finish up their season with a "home game" against the Lakers on Wednesday night, but that's the same as a game on the moon for the poor Clips, who were officially eliminated from the "30-Win Club" race. The best they can do is finish 29-53.

In related news, The Other L.A. Team is 20th in attendence despite being in freaking Los Angeles.

In all fairness to the Clippers, they were minus both of their starting guards -- Baron Davis (quitter sprained wrist) and Eric Gordon (sick of the Clippers viral infection) -- but that doesn't change the fact that they've lost eight of nine games and 18 of 21 to ensure their 17th losing season in the last 18 years. Abandon hope all ye who play or root for the Clippers!

Yep. They are who we thought they were.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: And finally a team wins their final home game of the season! And their 133-111 victory over the Timberpoops -- during which Minny committed 19 turnovers, gave up almost 60 percent shooting and fell behind by as many as 30 points -- gave the Spurs their 11th straight 50-win season. Feel the surge!

Minny's season ends Wednesday at home against the Pistons, and we have some potentially historic fail in the works. If the Timberwolves lose, they'll tie the Tony Campbell-led 1991-92 squad for worst record in the 21-year history of the franchise.

Said Al Jefferson: "If it happens, it was just meant to happen. That's how I look at it. Of course we don't want it to happen, but it's life."

Added Timberpoops coach Kurt Rambis: "This team was not built to win this year. We knew that."

So...the T-Poops were supposed to suck this season? I just love it when a team fulfills their potential!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Their 123-101 loss in Denver bumped the Griz back to a game below .500, which just feels about right for this team, doesn't it? Memphis shot 39 percent, gave up 39 free throw attempts and surrendered 27 fast break points. I thought bears came out of hibernation in the spring.

Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins: "I didn't like nothing about the whole game. They pretty much had a party here. A going-away party. The last game for the fans. They had a party with it."

Party dance!


Zach Randolph: Now here's the Z-Bo we knew and loved! Near the end of the third quarter, Randolph got tagged with foul numero cinco for sending Nene to the floor during the battle for an offensive board. Admittedly, Nene might have done a little grabbing and acting, but losing your cool over iffy calls usually doesn't help. And of course it didn't. Zach's blabbing earned him a double-technical and an automatic ejection. Nene drilled all four free throws (two for the initial foul and two for the techs) to increase the Nuggets' lead to 90-72. Game over.

And did I mention Randolph is looking for mo' money? (Thanks to Basketbawful reader Hajt for the link.)

Now, just for shits and giggles, here's a classic Z-Bo booboo from the Isiah Thomas Era in New York. Gods, how I miss that era.


Rudy Gay: Even though he took a team-high 14 shot attempts, Gay finished with more fouls (4) than field goals (3) and more turnovers (2) than assists (1). Every time I've seen Rudy turn in one of these sub-par performances over the second half of the season, I always think the same thing: I wonder who's going to end up overpaying him this summer? I hope to God it's not the Bulls.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Spider-Man's balls! Will Portland's misery never end? As if they hadn't been through enough this season -- including the loss of both centers, the Vanilla Godzilla reinjuring himself in the shower and their coach rupturing an Achilles tendon at practice -- the Frail Blazers have lost Brandon Roy to a torn meniscus in his right knee. Roy says he wants to play in the postseason, but that seems like borderline lunacy to me. Sure, his doctors say he probably can't hurt it any worse, but it's a fucking torn meniscus, Brandon! Take a seat, get healthy, and bring it next season.

Did I mention that a total of 13 Blazers have missed a combined 307 games this season?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. The Thunder. They ended up getting locked into the eighth seed and a first-round playoff date with the Lakers by losing 103-95 to the Roy-less Blazers, who got a season-high 30 points and 13 rebounds from Marcus Camby. Not only did the Camby Man go 12-for-16 from the field, but he submitted his highest scoring output since going off for 33 points against (of course) the Phoenix Suns on December 2, 2005.

More fun facts: Oklahoma City got pounded 60-40 in the paint and gave up 27 points off 16 turnovers.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: The Bullets were up by 10 points with about 10 and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter...but the Bricks ended up winning that quarter 40-21 as Washington lost 114-103.

Said Shaun Livingston: "Both offensively and defensively, it was just a total meltdown."

Added "Mr. Responsible" Andray Blatch: "We weren't disciplined in the fourth quarter. Plain and simple. They hit a couple of shots and we just lost our mind. We were like a chicken without a head out there."

Update! Andray Blatch: From AnacondaHL: "Extra bit from the Whizz-Bricks game: With Washington up 92-83, about 9 minutes left in the game, the Blatche Watch (hurrdurf) began. Having picked up his 5th PF, but having already collected a 17/10/7, Blatche started upping the amount of forced passes to teammates (this had been going on since the 3rd period), shooting for that triple-double. This of course opens a 20-2 run for the Knicks, eventually leading to the 40 point 4th quarter and a NY win. If the camera were any closer, I would have loved to see each sneer made when teammates missed shots and layups on potential assists."

Wow. It's like Blatch is channeling Wilt Chamberlain from the season the Dipper lead the league in assists. (It was 1967-68 in case you're interested.)

Tracy McGrady: Mr. "Sixth man? I don't see myself being a sixth man. I mean, I haven't fallen off that...much. I've been hurt the last two years. But I ain't fallen off that much." missed last night's game with a "DNP Knee" because he still can't handle back-to-back games.

But he hasn't fallen off that much.

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine: Regarding the "hope" the Bricks have after completing their franchise record ninth consecutive losing season: "The fans need to hang in there a bit with us and hopefully we'll get the job done. It's going to be a tough summer, but they've hung this long so they might as well wait a few months and see what happens."

Paul Pierce and his delusions of grandeur: From Basketbawful reader winnetou: "Paul Pierce, Dunning-Kruger effect representative, when asked about the Celtics' playoff ambitions and chances: 'We want to be the champs. That’s the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don’t care what our record is. I don’t care how we’ve played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That’s been our goal since we brought the team together, and that’s not changed.' But is it realistic? 'Yeah,' Pierce said. 'Without question.' (Boston Herald via TrueHoop)."

Update! Lacktion report: Evil e-mail gremlins sent chris's brilliant lacktion report to my Spam folder. I guess the Yahoo! e-mail administrators don't like lacktion.

Heat-Sixers: Joel Anthony made one steal in 19:23 as Miami's starting big man, yet bricked twice, took a rejection, and gained two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Raptors-Pistons: Rasho Nesterovic lost the rock once in 4:35 for a +1 suck differential, also worthy of a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Marcus Banks collected on a single-giveaway +1 as well, but in 1:24.

Bobcats-Nyets: Nazr Mohammed spent 18:07 collecting two boards, only to take a rejection and three fouls and giveaways each for a 6:2 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Bucks: I guess it's time for the raccoon tail, as THE Mario West and Randolph Morris have become Mario Brothers for the THIRD time in about a week, in 10 seconds of screen time shared with Fred Savage and Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis!

Dan Gadzuric fouled twice and bricked once in 4:27 to earn a +3 that also garnered a 2:0 Voskuhl. Primoz Brezec brought home the bacon with a 3.9 trillion (3:55) for Milwaukee.

Wolves-Spurs: Damien Wilkins bricked twice (once from the Riverwalk) and fouled twice in 8:02 for a +4!

Rockets-Kings: With Discount Store returning to Sactown for his first capital-area blue light special in months, Ime Udoka was able to save up 1.25 trillion (1:15)!

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

The Leastern Conference playoff battle
It seems like just yesterday that the regular season kicked off and I still was naive enough to think the Celtics might be legitimate contenders. Ah, memories...

And yet, here we are, just days away from the end of another regular season. While we will get to see some hopefully entertaining basketball in the playoffs, we will have to bid adieu to teams such as the Clippers, Timberwolves, Kings, and Bullets for many long months. Oh, darn.

I have good news for Antoine Walker and Latrell Sprewell -- they've got a new buddy to hang out with in the former-NBA-player-poorhouse! Derrick Coleman is $5 million in debt. As noted by the brilliant NotMikeDunleavy, "Derrick Coleman is bankrupt? Unbelievable! He was so responsible in every other aspect of his life." He also wondered: "Who was better at handling money: Derrick Coleman or Derrick Coleman's NBA Jam character?"

I dunno. This is a total shock to me. You can't tell me buying a fur coat five fur coats isn't a great investment!

(You really didn't think I could say that with a straight face, did you? Yeah, you're right. I couldn't. But I tried, so give me credit for that much. That's better than half the NBA teams can say about the past week.)

Now, with that out of the way, let's move on so I can get out of here and go to the golf course. I need to get a head start since nearly half of the league will be doing it in just a couple days. The NHL already ended its regular season, so it's probably getting harder to get a good tee time.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Free T-Shirt Excitement
Second only to Free Taco Excitement

"Oh my God! That ball is going to fall on my head!!"

Either Kendrick Perkins is being held down, or he is constipated. Or both.

"I can't believe I just let the Clippers beat us..."

Yes, you just lost to the Bullets. Feel shame.

When not getting in epic fights over bad coupons, this guy likes to play with rubber chickens at Pacers games
Nationally Televised Games:
Craptors at Pistons: A riveting battle of Eastern conference powerhouses. (Okay, I apologize. Sarcasm is fun, but that was just too over the top)

Mavericks at Clippers: ...Because of course when the schedule makers decided to throw this one on national TV, they thought "Hey, I bet the Clippers will be battling for a playoff spot!!"

All The Other Games:
Magic at Pacers: The Pacers have averaged almost 109ppg in the past dozen games, and 119ppg over the last four. Someone really should tell the Pacers that the preseason doesn't last all the way into March.

Heat at 76ers: The Sixers are about to play their last home game of the season. This is good considering they've won more games on the road than at home this year.

Bobcats at Nyets: Since I have nothing of interest to say about this game, go laugh at this terrible jersey.

Wizards Generals Bullets at Bricks: The more I look at the Bullets' depth chart, the more I wonder how David Stern hasn't intervened. You know how much he hates for his league (and, by proxy, David Stern) to be embarrassed, and any team that trots out Livingston, Young, Miller, Blatche, and Oberto for a starting five is a damn embarrassment.

Hawks at Bucks: A potential playoff preview and a battle for seeding. This game might actually not suck!

Timberwolves at Spurs: Oh, what the hell. Here's another horrifically bad jersey. (The comments are almost as funny as the picture itself)

Grizzlies at Nuggets: OJ Mayo's hurt, so he may be replaced by Marcus Williams. Yes, I just linked to his old Nets jersey a couple lines ago. And yes, this is the most exposure he has ever had in his career.

Thunder at Frail Blazers: Both teams are playing for 50 wins and for playoff seeding. So, remind me again, why isn't this game on national TV, yet the Clippers are?

Rockets at Kings: Tyreke Evans is just 24 points shy of joining the rookie 20/5/5 club with Oscar, Michael, and LeBron. Too bad his team still can't win.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Derrick Coleman, giant chicken, Indiana Pacers, nostalgia

Is Posey a zombie trying to poke Captain Jack's brain out for a nice snack?
(Via Basketbawful reader StottsEra)
Good news/bad news time. The good news? The '92 Dream Team is being inducted into the Hall of Fame! The bad news? That means Christian Laettner is going to be forever enshrined in the Hall of Fame as a member of that team.

Christian. Laettner.

Sonofabitch.

This is a sad day for basketball. (And for anyone else who was a University of Kentucky fan back in March of 1992, join with me in saying "Fuck Christian Laettner!" Ah, that feels better)

In other news, Basketbawful reader Joseph Radzevick was kind enough to apparently read my mind. I had planned on writing today about the Pacers, but last night he submitted something in the same vein of what I had planned to do, except he actually bothered to do research so he definately one-upped me. Here's what he had to say:

Hopefully the good citizens of Indiana were too swept up in Butler fever to notice the Pacers trying to play their way out of a Top 10 draft pick. Check out this list of the records of the lottery teams over their last ten games and notice the staggering difference between Indiana and the other dregs of the league.

Team ... W L
Chicago: 6-4
Detroit: 2-8
Golden State: 5-5
Houston: 4-6
Indiana: 8-2
LA Clippers: 2-8
Memphis: 3-7
Minnesota: 1-9
New Jersey: 4-6
New Orleans: 2-8
New York: 4-6
Philadelphia: 2-8
Sacramento: 1-9
Washington: 3-7

The only teams with .500 or better records in their last ten are Chicago (playing for the last playoff spot, a.k.a. the right to get swept by Cleveland in Round 1), Golden State (playing to get Don Nelson the all-time wins record so he will go back to Maui and leave them the hell alone), and Indiana (playing for...what exactly?). Meanwhile the rest of the list features a host of 2-8 and even 1-9 teams that will beat the Pacers to the bottom.

In theory, I guess we should commend the Pacers for playing out every game and maintaining their competitive integrity. Of course we all know that in theory, communism works. In theory.

Excellent point. There's something to be said for morale and trying to end the season on a good note. However, there's also something to be said for landing Evan Turner, John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, or somebody like that in the draft lottery. Which is going to do more for the long-term future of the team: some garbage victories, or a blue chip player? (Well, any legitimately good player is going to bolt for a better team and market as soon as they can get the hell out of Indiana, so that may invalidate my point...)

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

CAPTION THIS!
What the hell is going on with Jamal Crawford?


Houston's "Dress like an Empty Seat" promotion was obviously successful

"Man, my shirt stinks as bad as our game!"

Why are you trying so damn hard, Troy Murphy? Do you not like draft picks?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the winningest coach in the NBA. I feel as if we have failed as a society.
Nationally Televised Games:
Crabs at Bulls: The Bulls really need to win this game to help their chances of losing to the Crabs in the first round of the playoffs.

Lakers at Nuggets: Andrew Bynum is still out and the Lakers still don't give a shit. Meanwhile, the Nuggets are on the second night of a back to back and Carmelo may have slightly scrambled his brains last night. Does all of this just cancel out and we have a good, close game?

All The Other Games:
Clippers at Kings: If this game had somehow ended up on national television tonight instead of the Lakers' game, DirecTV, DISH, Comcast, etc. customer service phones would be ringing off the hook with demands from angry customers to take TNT off their channel lineup. This is going to be ugly, folks. Ugly.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Don Nelson, Indiana Pacers

"Huelo bolas sudorosas!"
The Boston Celtics: When last we saw the Celtics, they got owned by the New Jersey Nyets in Boston. As bad signs go, that's right up there with the Titanic sticking straight up out of the water or the nasty, pimply rash in your nether regions that just won't go away. (Seriously, get that checked out. Immediately.) So what better way to restablish their presumed championship dominance than by dropping the shillelagh on a Pistons team headed for their first 50-loss season in a decade?

Only Detroit (21-39) was up 77-73 early in the fourth quarter.

The Luckless Leprechauns were saved by a trio of treys by Nate Robinson -- who scored 14 points (5-for-7) in 15 minutes -- but the end result still smells pretty fishy. After all, Boston allowed 100+ points for the fifth straight game...which is their longest streak in the Kevin Garnett era. Meanwhile, the Celtics were 9-for-18 from downtown while the Pistons shot 15 percent (3-for-20) from long distance, which was their worst three-point percentage of athe season (with a minimum of 20 attempts).

I'm just sayin'...the C's were a few missed or made shots from losing this one, so Boston fans shouldn't get too excited over this one.

Ben Wallace: When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.

With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)

Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.

Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."

I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.

Kendrick Perkins: Perk missed the game with flu-like symptoms!

The Miami Heat: The Human Torches snapped their four-game losing streak behind 56 points in the paint, a 50-35 rebounding advantage, and a huge game from Dwyane Wade (35 points, 12 assists, 5 boards, 4 steals). But they also missed 10 free throws and barely pulled out a four-point home victory over a crappy Golden State Warriors team that was without Monta Ellis (strained lower back), Andris Biedrins (athletic pubalgia...heh) and Corey Maggette (ham sandwich).

Said Pookie: "There's no easy wins in the NBA."

Yeah, but there should be, Dwyane. There really should be. I mean, the Warriors had only eight players in costume -- which barely met the league minimum, and they had to call up a D-Leaguer to even do that -- and six of them scored in double figures. Plus, Golden State hit better than 51 percent of their field goal attempts.

Said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra: "Where we are, any win is a good win for us. It wasn't a great game for us, but we got the win, so we'll take it. The only thing that matters right now is that we stay in this fight. However. By whatever means to get it done, we just need to stay in the fight and keep on swinging."

As always, good luck with that, Erik.

The Golden State Warriors: After the loss -- the Warriors' 14th in their last 18 games -- Nellie said: "We made them play, didn't we? We've got no complaints. We played our behinds off. We were able to stay in the game and have a chance to win. We'll take it."

When you're 25 games under .500, you've got to enjoy the little things.

The Sacramento Kings: Good news: The Purple Paupers shot 53+ percent for just the fifth time this season! What's more, Sacto became only the seventh team this season to make more than half of its shots against the Oklahoma City D. In fact, their FGP of 53.9 was the second highest shooting percentage this season against the Thunder, who entered the game with a league-best Opponents FGP of 43.7.

Bad news: They lost anyway, falling to 5-26 on the road and 20-40 overall.

The Thunder's 17 offensive rebounds might have had something to do with the outcome. Sacramento coach Paul Westphal sure thinks so: "To me, we came in against a top level, playoff team in their gym in a game that they really wanted and we played a great game. We played good enough to win, except we couldn't keep them off the glass, so we lost."

Thanks for the stirring analysis, coach. Speaking of Westphal...

Paul Westphal: The Paupers pulled to within 111-107 on a Carl Landry dunk with 34 seconds left, but Westphal instructed his team not to foul. The Thunder then used the entire 24-second shot clock before Kevin Durant missed a baseline jumper. The Best Sacto could manage was an ugly, forced and contested trey by Francisco Garcia in the final five seconds. And, uh, yeah...it didn't go in.

The Indiana Pacers: Kobe Bryant continues to struggle with his shooting -- last night Mamba went 5-for-14 from the field and 0-for-4 from downtown -- but the Pacers are so bad that Bryant could have gone 0-for-40 and the Lakers probably still would have won by double-digits. As it was, L.A. outscored Indy 38-17 in the third quarter to transform a mildly competitive game into the kind of ridiculous joke you'd expect from a ridiculous joke team like the Pacers.

During that third quarter, Indy shot 7-for-20 and committed 7 turnovers for 10 points going the other way. In related news, the Pacers haven't beaten the Lakers in Los Angeles since February 14, 1999. Reggie Miller led the Pacers with 26 points in the win, while Shaq lit up poor Rik Smits for 36 points and 17 rebounds (including 8 offensive).

Bruce Bowen, fashionista: From Basketbawful reader Emmett S.: "Tucker Carlson and Bruce Bowen: Almost universally disliked, renowned for their ackery...and now they have bowties in common, too. Wow."

Bruce Bowen: Too sexy for his pants.And he isn't wearing any.
Questionable Promotions Part 1: Go to a Nyets game! Please! We're begging you! We'll even have your taxes done for free if you do!

No, I'm not kidding.

The best part of this promotion? Roni Deutch -- the tax attorney who's willing to crunch numbers for anybody brave enough to sit through two-plus hours of horrifying basketball -- said: "The hallmark of a strong company is one that aligns with young companies. I'm a betting woman, and I think the Nets are going to win a championship this decade."

I wonder if Roni knows what a "decade" is? Mental note: Do not let Roni Deutch do my taxes. Or balance my checkbook. Or count my loose change.

Questionable Promotions Part 2: I'm guessing the Memphis Grizzlies are going to remove "Fan Trampoline Dunk" from their in-game promotional series. Of course, they're doing it about one near-decapitation too late. [Thanks to chris for the link.]

Michael Jordan: The Greatest Player of All Time just lost two games of H-O-R-S-E to a rookie who's shooting less than 34 percent from the field. Oh yes he did. Maybe MJ should stick to picking on old, sick people. And Bryon Russell.

Clutch the Bear: Belated but worth it: Clutch gets nekkid to disrupt a free throw. This Bear will do anything to win! [Thanks again to chris for the link.]


Laction report: Despite the Paupers' near miss in OKC, chris still found the will to give us our daily lacktion fix:

Celtics-Pistons: Brian Scalabrine was spooked after only 8 seconds in Castlevania, leading to a Super Mario! Meanwhile, DaJuan Summers bounced around a level of Araknoid in 24 seconds for a regular Mario. (In non-lacktion related news, Kevin Garnett was clearly *word that KG mouths on the sidelines*-ing around with 9 boards and 14 points for a Calvin Murphy.)

Kings-Thunder: Ime Udoka rescued Princess Peach and earned a 30-second speed date that counted as a Mario, while Dominic McGuire continues to make his case for the All-Lacktion Team with tonight's cashout of 2.45 trillion (2:27), his first non-productive moment for the Paupers!!!

Labels: Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Lakers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

LeBron dislikes when the spotlight isn't on him,
and poor Yuna is concerned with what's happening in that banner
Welcome, Basketbawful's loyal readers, to an exciting emasculated AHL edition of Worst of the Night! Let's just be honest here: you're damn right I watched figure skating last night. I love me some dominating performance, just like I wish for the Knicks/Bulls/Heat super team next year. Anyways, lets get to the bawful.


That game literally no one watched: It was a sports filled night, with the TNT slate of superstar suckup, a gritty USA-CAN gold medal hockey showdown, and Yuna Kim dominating her pathetic competitors with sassy yet humble confidence. (You know you love it.). Brandon Jennings scored 9 of the 'sconsin Male Deer's 13 points in the last six minites to hold off a Pacers mini comeba-...ugh, this is just depressing to talk about.

Brandon Jennings: Speaking of The Gumby, you guys have been following this rookie's splits, right? No? Check out his monthly FG% progression: 51.6%, 42.0%, 37.6%, 32.4%, to 30.3% this month. So I guess technically his 6-18 shooting performance was an improvement.

But fear not, readers! This Yung Buck rookie Euro-trotter is figuring his stuff out. Via AP, “I’m starting to learn more as I go how to take care of the ball in late situations,” Jennings said. “Fourth quarter, with three minutes or four minutes to go, I want the ball in my hands.” The mic cut at this point, but I'm pretty sure I saw him mouth that he wants more air-fives in Andrew "20-20-5" Bogut's hands.


The Cleveland Cavaliers: Although they put up a few lazy mini-pushes here and there, mostly consisting of LeBron jacking up threes, the game was pretty much over after the 1st Quarter, where the TNT mics picking up the *word KG actually says during the game very loudly* seemed to inspire the Boston team. Sadly, I missed LeBron's missed dunk due to egregious channel surfing, but was able to catch some nameless skater biff it on a triple axle. Shaq left in the 2nd with a pulled pork sandwich significant right thumb sprain.

There's so many ways to skin this crab. The Cavs are 1-4 with Whiner "Waah I Deserve To Be An All Star" extraordinaire Mo Williams back, 1-2 since Jamison's 12 miss performance, 1-3 since the heart and soul of the team was traded, whichever.

March 21st: Speaking of trades, this would be the day Big Z can return to the Cavs. Which everyone and their mother is already talking about as an inevitability, possibly due to all sports media's contract to fellate LeBron every 49 minutes. This 30 day rule is a joke.

...

...wait what? The Cavs kept whittling away and fought back? And won by how many points? And Mo Williams played goodish? Ughhh, *KG word*-it, I'm not re-writing the above section...

The Boston Celtics: Speaking of leaving, as in leaving a 44% 3pt shooter wide open multiple times and leaving your offensive game plan to get locked down by the Cavs defence, way to score 30 to Cleveland's 58 in the 2nd half to blow the lead towards a pathetic 106-88 outcome. Now I haven't followed the Celtics as close as Bawful has, but I think they are doing someting similar to Suns style blown leads recently. Well Celtics fans, there's my inkling of sympathy for your situation. Just watching a striking contrast in effort by those Nordic Combined skiiers compared to the Celtics down the stretch could make even the least patriotic puke a little in their mouths.

But now that they actually played a not sucky opponent like the Knicks, seems like they're going to really be missing Paul Pierce. 16 4thQ points Tuesday, and 14 tonight, so I guess you could say that.

Arkansas: For losing to the LSU tigers, where former Tigers alums Big Baby and Big Geritol discussed pregame their alma matter not being winless in the SEC anymore at the Razorbacks expense. Way to fight for that dance spot.

PAC-10: Projecting just California to make it? What the hell guys.

Every skater not named Yuna Kim: You all fail. For not being Yuna. Just stop trying. This is a massacre.


The Golen State Warriors: Speaking of missing the first half of this game, maybe the high pace Warriors were too busy rooting for one of the other skating scrubs as they entered halftime behind 61-42.

...

...wait, what? They cut it to 65-56? eventually leading to a... oh they still lost. But boy, the crowd is incredible. There's no obnoxious house pop music, and you can actually feel the excitement when Curry pulled off his fakeout swoop shot, then left-handed hook in the 3rd. And when they boo, it's not shallow and angsty like Dallas or Phoenix crowds. Or maybe they're more Taco Bell'd, and just simply accept their 112-127 loss.

Says Barkley: "They're like an untalented Phoenix team". Then again, Sir Charles also claims he's leaving recreational golf for tennis. Anyways, I was curious how often the SSOL Suns gave up 127 points. Turns out, 24 times with a record of 4-20, including OT games. 18 games where 127 was reached in 4 quarters. Golden State over the same time? An uncanny 27 times with a record of 5-22. So I guess my advice to Warriors fans is, even if you end up with an All-Star loaded roster, somehow you'll still get screwed by crappy management and freak injuries.

The "Mr. Big Shot" nickname: Speaking of crappy, okay, does sinking 3s in the 3rd quarter to extend a lead still qualify you for this nickname? Ugh to everyone.

Dirk Nowitski merchandising: Oddly, this is actually pretty bawesome, in a so-far-beyond-the-donut-shaped-universe-it-circles-back-onto-itself way:



Lacktion Report: While not parsing lacktion in Element and Component scores, chris double checks that Russian judge for tonight's short program.

Chris: Before we begin tonight's ledger of lame, I would like to make a shout out to 2009's 2nd overall pick (same spot as Sam Bowie, Shawn Bradley, Stromile Swift and Darko Milicic!) Hasheem Thabeet, the HIGHEST PICKED PLAYER EVER DEMOTED TO THE D-LEAGUE.

Thabeet's career of lack (the 36th player in the Association to garner unproductivity) started on November 2nd with a 54 second Mario, followed with two more somnambulent appearances in the next four days. While he did not go completely unproductive again until February 10th, he earned 6 Voskuhls to that point.

Thabeet's fifth and final appearance in pure unproductivity so far this year was rather recent - a 59 second Mario on February 21st (which also included a +3 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl, giving him a +7 suck differential total for the season). Let's hope it's not the last time his draft bust status reveals itself in the big show!

But wait...there's more - enjoy this quote of motivation and hunger from a man whose current best night in the Association totaled a mere TEN POINTS:

Me being the No. 2 pick doesn't mean I have to go and contribute right away. There's a reason they drafted me. I just have to work hard, get better and then one day be able to answer the call.

Hey, not every 2nd overall disappointment gets the opportunity to earn one more ring than John Stockton or Reggie Miller by sulking on the bench for a championship team! Of course, instead of sulking on the bench, he'd rather Tweet from the mall, so no surprise here...

UPDATE: So this is supposedly only a ten day stint in Dakota. Like ten days are needed to see how astronomically bawful this guy is? One minute perusing the lacktion report is more than enough, I say...

Bucks-Pacers: Royal Ivey may now be in southeast Wisconsin, but that doesn't mean he's abdicated from his spot on the ledger - two fouls combined with two bricks from the charity stripe led to a +4 suck differential in 5:23!

Crabs-Celtics: In 2:50 of garbage time, the senior citizens appropriately played out the ancient fariytale of The Three Lacktators - former Knickerbocker Marcus Landry bricked twice from the Custom House Tower for a +2, while Brian Scalabrine glowed in the wake of a 2.8 trillion prize, and Shelden Williams countered a steal and block with two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dirk Nowitzki, ice skating, Indiana Pacers, manliness, Yuna Kim

So...McGrady's knees are already hurting after two gamesand he may miss tonight's matchup in Boston. Shocking.
The Charlotte Bobcats: Chug, chug, chug, chug...can you hear that? It's the Clipper Train, baby! The Other L.A. Team is now 2-0 in their last two games. Who knew Drew Gooden and Steve Blake were the answers?

Well, okay, it helps to play a bad team (like the Kings) and then another squad that tends to dog it against "inferior" opponents (like the Bobcats). Remember: Charlotte has won three straight against the Cleveland Craboliers.

Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "Our biggest problem now is sometimes we don't realize that every game's a big game. We get up for certain games and not others. When you look at these teams that are winning a lot of games, they don't take nights off because their opponent is always bringing their A game. The good teams in this league have to play well every night because everybody's pointing to them. The teams that struggle don't realize that you have to play at a high level every night in order to be successful. And we haven't realized that yet."

Brown wasn't done: "I mean, who would have suspected us to beat Cleveland three straight? And last year, we beat the Lakers twice and still had a lot of bad losses. We have 27 games where we'll decide whether we deserve to be in the playoffs or not. So if we don't make it, it will be on us."

Larry is feeling pissy because after a 12-4 January, his Bobcats have gone 3-6 in January. What's more, 11 of their 28 defeats are against sub-.500 teams, which includes two losses against the 5-51 New Jersey Nyets, two losses to the Knicks, and losses to the Bucks, Pacers and Pistons.

Proof is in the pudding, and this is some poo pudding.

In all fairness to Charlotte, they were without three seven-footers -- Nazr Mohammed (back spasms), Tyson Chandler (sore left knee), and DeSagana Diop (sprained right knee) -- which might explain the 48-34 rebounding disadvantage. And on the bright side, if the Bobcats do end up making the playoffs, they're destined (read that: doomed) to be a low seed, which means they're probably end up playing the Crabs and Magic, which is a good thing since, in theory, they only get up for the bad teams.

Yeah, I know. I'm reaching.

Stephen Jackson: Captain Jack must have run into his own personal Davey Jones before the game, because he was turrible: 1-for-16, 5 turnovers, 6 fouls. Like I said a week or so ago, when Stephen Jackson is a team's second-most important player, that team is fundamentally flawed.

The Clippers' transition game: Did you know The Other L.A. Team's interim coach, Kim Hughes, is trying to implement an up-tempo offense? Well, he is. And yet the Clips had exactly zero fast break points last night. Way to get 'em runnin', Kim.

The Utah Jazz: The Mormon Musicians celebrated their 25-point comeback against the Frail Blazers in Portland on Sunday by losing to the Hawks in Utah on Monday. And get ready for this: it was the Atlanteans have won in Salt Lake City in 17 years. 17 years!!

I shit you not. The Hawks hadn't won in Utah since February 13, 1993, when The Human Highlight film dropped 43 points (15-for-25) in Atlanta's 121-112 win. (John Stockton led the Jazz with 32 points, 9 assists, 5 steals...and 8 turnovers. So close to a triple bumble!) That equates to a 15-game road losing streak to the Jazz.

Joe Johnson -- who knocked in 11 of his game-high 28 points in the decisive fourth quarter -- said: "It's about time. The last time our team won here, I was just a little kid watching Dominique and dreaming I might play in the NBA someday. ... The streak was brought to our attention before the game, so we wanted to come out early and establish ourselves. We wanted to make sure they knew it wasn't going to be the same type of game they are used to seeing out of us."

Utah's loss only adds credence to my "second night of back-to-backs" theory. Of course, the Jazz were also without their best player (Deron Williams) and (in theory) their best defender (Andre Kirilenko), the latter of which (along with the weary legs) could explain why the Hawks shot 54+ percent for the game. Plus, the Jazz just weren't crisp in the end game. Carlos Boozer followed up the previous game's Animal Style double-double (22 points, 23 boards) with a more modest double-double (12 points, 10 rebounds) plus a season-high 8 dimes. BUT...he couldn't hit down the stretch and bobbled a ball out of bounds in the final minute on a possession in which the Jazz could have tied the game.

Said Kyle Korver: "You could tell we played an overtime game last night. In the end, we couldn't make shots, and we couldn't get stops and Joe Johnson just played really, really well."

The Indiana Pacers: Chug, chug, chug, chug...can you hear that? It's the Mavs Train, baby! The Mavericks are now 4-0 with Brendan Haywood as their starting center. Who knew Haywood (13 points, 20 rebounds, 3 blocks) was the answer?

Of course, it always helps when you play the Pacers.

It was an ugly-ass game, tho'. Dallas shot 38 percent and Indy hit 36 percent. The teams also combined to go 7-for-37 from beyond the arc.

Said Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "We played a sloppy game. The ball movement wasn't crisp, and we had questionable shot selection. Defensively, we had too many breakdowns. We have to get better."

Don't you just love it when the winning coach gets all grumpy about the way his team just won? Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that the Mavericks play the Lakers in Dallas on Wednesday. The way they played against the Pacers won't cut it against L.A. And I mean regardless of whether Kobe plays.

The New York Knicks: Well...huh. Maybe the Knicks should have traded for an old priest and a young priest before the deadline, because these dudes still have some bigtime demons to exorcise. But hey, everybody should have seen this coming, right? In New York's last game -- the first with their new players -- David Lee was fantastic, Eddie House scored a season-high, and Knee-Mac had his best game in a very long while. And the Bricks lost that one.

Things definitely de-improved last night.

At halftime, the Bricks celebrated the 40th anniversary of their 1970 NBA championship team. Willis Reed was there. Walt Frazier was there. It was good times...good times...

But not for the 2009-10 Knicks. They came out and scored only 26 points in the second half, finishing with a grisly 67 points on 33 percent shooting. It was New York's worst offensive output in more than two years. You know, back in the Isiah Thomas era. Man, it's a good thing the Knicks brought in Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni!

"I don't want to make too many excuses," said Bricks coach Mike D'Antoni, who then went on to do just that, "but obviously we weren't familiar with what we're doing and with each other. The first night, we ran on a lot of adrenaline and kind of got us through. I just thought we just didn't really have a lot of pop down there. The ball didn't really move and stopped. Guys were hesitating. They seemed lost."

Isn't that how this team has seemed all season? I mean, weren't you guys 18-35 before the trades, Mike? And you guys were pretty familiar with each other, right? I mean...right?

And right on cue, Knee-Mac banged knees a couple times...and he might not play tonight in Boston. Well, that was fast. Said McGrady: "Hopefully it's not sore tomorrow," he said. "I may lace them up and play tomorrow, but we'll see."

Uh huh.

David Lee: Okay, seriously, I don't care about all his double-doubles and whatever. The dude got spit-roasted by Andy Bogut (24 points, 20 boards, 5 blocks). Maybe he's just been drinking too much of 'Antoni's poisoned Kool-Aid, but Lee plays no defense. None. Not even by accident. He's like a superhero who can become intangible to avoid contact with his enemies and then does it all the time.

The Chicago Bulls: Uh oh...


That's right. And the Bulls walked right into it. With little more than a halfhearted effort, Chicago built a 56-46 lead over the seemingly hapless Wizards Generals Bullets...and, frankly, it felt like the lead could have been 20. But it wasn't, and the Bulls paid for letting Washington hang around. Sure enough, the Bullets outscored Chicago 31-16 -- including a ball-busting 14-0 spurt -- in the third quarter as the Bulls shot 7-for-21 from the field.

From that point, Washington was in control. And you can lay a lot of the blame for that cruddy quarter at the sensible shoes of...

Vinny Del Negro: First off, here's what the Bulls managed to accomplish out of Vinny's well-concieved timeouts. Yes, that was sarcastic. Anyway: 1st timeout: Jannero Pargo turnover; 2nd timeout: Luol Deng made 16-footer; 3rd timeout: Kirk Hinrich missed 19-footer; 4th timeout: Rose made jumper (Hinrich assists); 5th timeout: Brad Miller missed thee-pointer; 6th timeout: Flip Murray missed three-pointer; 7th timeout: Miller missed three-pointer.

So to sum up: After seven called timeouts, the Bulls were 2-for-6 from the field (including 0-for-3 from downtown) with a turnover. And you'll notice every shot was a long jumper...which means that, coming out of their timeouts, the Bulls didn't get a single high-percentage shot.

You know what else was damning about those timeouts? Not a single one was called during Washington's 14-0 game-breaking run. As By The Horns reader Tony C. put it: "VDN's time out selection was also quite poor. Notice that when the Wzard's went on a 14-0 run, VDN sat with his hands under his ass. When the Bulls went on a (later) mini-run, Flip Saunders called an immediate time out to stop the momentum. This is coaching 101; why hasn't VDN figured it out yet?"

Good question.

Lacktion report: Chris celebrated Pebbles Flintstone's birthday the same way he always does: by reporting lacktion.

Bucks-Knicks: Toney Douglas can now party it up with the Dolans after a 3.5 trillion (3:31) investment matured!

Pacers-Mavs: Jose Juan Barea continues his streak of non-contribution with a stunning set of stats in 5:02 - 2 fouls, 2 rejections, and a trio of bricks (once from the West End Historic District) for a +7 suck differential! Also sucky tonight was Matt Carroll, who missed twice for a +2 in 2:51.

Hawks-Jazz: Joe Smith boringly made 100% of his shot attempts (once!) and also garnered a singular board in 11:18, only to foul four times for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Jeff Teague bricked once and fouled once for a +2 in 3:16. And Mario West can now afford to get his Virtual Boy fixed, after collecting a 1.6 trillion (1:38)!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, David Lee, Indiana Pacers, Knee-Mac, Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night