"Huelo bolas sudorosas!"
The Boston Celtics: When last we saw the Celtics, they got owned by the New Jersey Nyets in Boston. As bad signs go, that's right up there with the Titanic sticking straight up out of the water or the nasty, pimply rash in your nether regions that just won't go away. (Seriously, get that checked out. Immediately.) So what better way to restablish their presumed championship dominance than by dropping the shillelagh on a Pistons team headed for their first 50-loss season in a decade?

Only Detroit (21-39) was up 77-73 early in the fourth quarter.

The Luckless Leprechauns were saved by a trio of treys by Nate Robinson -- who scored 14 points (5-for-7) in 15 minutes -- but the end result still smells pretty fishy. After all, Boston allowed 100+ points for the fifth straight game...which is their longest streak in the Kevin Garnett era. Meanwhile, the Celtics were 9-for-18 from downtown while the Pistons shot 15 percent (3-for-20) from long distance, which was their worst three-point percentage of athe season (with a minimum of 20 attempts).

I'm just sayin'...the C's were a few missed or made shots from losing this one, so Boston fans shouldn't get too excited over this one.

Ben Wallace: When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.

With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)

Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.

Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."

I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.

Kendrick Perkins: Perk missed the game with flu-like symptoms!

The Miami Heat: The Human Torches snapped their four-game losing streak behind 56 points in the paint, a 50-35 rebounding advantage, and a huge game from Dwyane Wade (35 points, 12 assists, 5 boards, 4 steals). But they also missed 10 free throws and barely pulled out a four-point home victory over a crappy Golden State Warriors team that was without Monta Ellis (strained lower back), Andris Biedrins (athletic pubalgia...heh) and Corey Maggette (ham sandwich).

Said Pookie: "There's no easy wins in the NBA."

Yeah, but there should be, Dwyane. There really should be. I mean, the Warriors had only eight players in costume -- which barely met the league minimum, and they had to call up a D-Leaguer to even do that -- and six of them scored in double figures. Plus, Golden State hit better than 51 percent of their field goal attempts.

Said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra: "Where we are, any win is a good win for us. It wasn't a great game for us, but we got the win, so we'll take it. The only thing that matters right now is that we stay in this fight. However. By whatever means to get it done, we just need to stay in the fight and keep on swinging."

As always, good luck with that, Erik.

The Golden State Warriors: After the loss -- the Warriors' 14th in their last 18 games -- Nellie said: "We made them play, didn't we? We've got no complaints. We played our behinds off. We were able to stay in the game and have a chance to win. We'll take it."

When you're 25 games under .500, you've got to enjoy the little things.

The Sacramento Kings: Good news: The Purple Paupers shot 53+ percent for just the fifth time this season! What's more, Sacto became only the seventh team this season to make more than half of its shots against the Oklahoma City D. In fact, their FGP of 53.9 was the second highest shooting percentage this season against the Thunder, who entered the game with a league-best Opponents FGP of 43.7.

Bad news: They lost anyway, falling to 5-26 on the road and 20-40 overall.

The Thunder's 17 offensive rebounds might have had something to do with the outcome. Sacramento coach Paul Westphal sure thinks so: "To me, we came in against a top level, playoff team in their gym in a game that they really wanted and we played a great game. We played good enough to win, except we couldn't keep them off the glass, so we lost."

Thanks for the stirring analysis, coach. Speaking of Westphal...

Paul Westphal: The Paupers pulled to within 111-107 on a Carl Landry dunk with 34 seconds left, but Westphal instructed his team not to foul. The Thunder then used the entire 24-second shot clock before Kevin Durant missed a baseline jumper. The Best Sacto could manage was an ugly, forced and contested trey by Francisco Garcia in the final five seconds. And, uh, yeah...it didn't go in.

The Indiana Pacers: Kobe Bryant continues to struggle with his shooting -- last night Mamba went 5-for-14 from the field and 0-for-4 from downtown -- but the Pacers are so bad that Bryant could have gone 0-for-40 and the Lakers probably still would have won by double-digits. As it was, L.A. outscored Indy 38-17 in the third quarter to transform a mildly competitive game into the kind of ridiculous joke you'd expect from a ridiculous joke team like the Pacers.

During that third quarter, Indy shot 7-for-20 and committed 7 turnovers for 10 points going the other way. In related news, the Pacers haven't beaten the Lakers in Los Angeles since February 14, 1999. Reggie Miller led the Pacers with 26 points in the win, while Shaq lit up poor Rik Smits for 36 points and 17 rebounds (including 8 offensive).

Bruce Bowen, fashionista: From Basketbawful reader Emmett S.: "Tucker Carlson and Bruce Bowen: Almost universally disliked, renowned for their ackery...and now they have bowties in common, too. Wow."

Bruce Bowen: Too sexy for his pants.And he isn't wearing any.
Questionable Promotions Part 1: Go to a Nyets game! Please! We're begging you! We'll even have your taxes done for free if you do!

No, I'm not kidding.

The best part of this promotion? Roni Deutch -- the tax attorney who's willing to crunch numbers for anybody brave enough to sit through two-plus hours of horrifying basketball -- said: "The hallmark of a strong company is one that aligns with young companies. I'm a betting woman, and I think the Nets are going to win a championship this decade."

I wonder if Roni knows what a "decade" is? Mental note: Do not let Roni Deutch do my taxes. Or balance my checkbook. Or count my loose change.

Questionable Promotions Part 2: I'm guessing the Memphis Grizzlies are going to remove "Fan Trampoline Dunk" from their in-game promotional series. Of course, they're doing it about one near-decapitation too late. [Thanks to chris for the link.]

Michael Jordan: The Greatest Player of All Time just lost two games of H-O-R-S-E to a rookie who's shooting less than 34 percent from the field. Oh yes he did. Maybe MJ should stick to picking on old, sick people. And Bryon Russell.

Clutch the Bear: Belated but worth it: Clutch gets nekkid to disrupt a free throw. This Bear will do anything to win! [Thanks again to chris for the link.]


Laction report: Despite the Paupers' near miss in OKC, chris still found the will to give us our daily lacktion fix:

Celtics-Pistons: Brian Scalabrine was spooked after only 8 seconds in Castlevania, leading to a Super Mario! Meanwhile, DaJuan Summers bounced around a level of Araknoid in 24 seconds for a regular Mario. (In non-lacktion related news, Kevin Garnett was clearly *word that KG mouths on the sidelines*-ing around with 9 boards and 14 points for a Calvin Murphy.)

Kings-Thunder: Ime Udoka rescued Princess Peach and earned a 30-second speed date that counted as a Mario, while Dominic McGuire continues to make his case for the All-Lacktion Team with tonight's cashout of 2.45 trillion (2:27), his first non-productive moment for the Paupers!!!

Labels: Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Lakers, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

I once posted a list of the basic staples of American comedy, the gimmicks that are always used for (and seem to always get) a cheap laugh. These include (but are not limited to):

1. Monkeys
2. Midgets
3. Fat people
4. Farts and/or poop
5. The Amish
6. Men dressed as women
7. A man getting punched/kicked/shot/etc. in the nuts
8. White people attempting to act like black people
9. Old people trying to behave all young and hip
10. Some random combination of the elements listed above

Now, you get to see one or more (usually more) of these comedic devices during the typical NBA halftime show. However, one of them actually occurs -- with alarming frequency -- during the course of the game itself. Here's a hint: It's number seven. I don't know what the sport of basketball has against the man region, but ballers sure do suffer an extraordinary number of nutshots. (Or worse. Just ask Mo Williams).

In this video, for instance, Danny Granger forgets that he's not playing soccer, and that Antawn Jamison's family jewels are not, in fact, the game ball.


From the YouTube description: "Chandler gets a feel in the 'Smoky Robinson.'"


Hey, remember when Royal Ivey got suspended for an attack on Aaron Gray's meat 'n taters? Of course you don't. You probably don't even know who those guys are. But here's what happened.


Then there's that whole bizarre Reggie Evans/Chris Kaman incident...


Not even the crotches of our team mascots are safe, as Utah's Bear proves here.


And, of course, no rundown of junk assault would be complete without Bruce "The Master of Groin Disaster" Bowen. Watch BTMoGDB give Steve Nash a little [Canadian euphemism for knee in the groin].


Update! How could I forget about the time Avery Johnson cup-checked Josh Howard? Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Anonymous.


Update! Thanks to Reginald from Wasilla and the second Mr. Anonymous for reminding me of that time Chris Paul gave Julius Hodge the five-knuckeled junkblaster.

Labels: Antawn Jamison, Bear, Bruce Bowen, Chris Kaman, comedy staples, Danny Granger, NBA mascots, nutshots, Reggie Evans, Steve Nash, Tyson Chandler

The New Orleans bench: Astute readers of this site know that I've had a hairy eyeball on the Hornets' reserves for most of the season, particularly after Jeff Bower "strengthened" the team's bench by trading away Bobby Jackson for Pit Bull and The Bonz. Which, honestly, should have been enough to disqualify Bower from NBA Executive of the Year voting, not a reason for him to finish third.

As the risk of going all Basketball 101 here, the lack of solid and reliable bench play will wear a team down over the course of a long season and extended playoff series (for further reading, see the 1984-85, 1986-87 and 1987-88 Boston Celtics). Because that means the coach is basically asking his starters to log all the big minutes, play great (or at least solid) defense with little rest, withstand various and sundry injuries without time off, carry the rebounding load, and score 80-90 points a game every game for 80-100 games. It's an impossible task, even for the young.

Gregg Popovich knows that, which is why none of his big guns average more than 34 minutes a game. And it doesn't hurt that they play at a pace that's a little easier on the feet, knees, legs and back than what the helter-skelter Suns and Hornets go through. Of course, it helps that he has multiple championships on his resume, which means the Spurs management and owners trust him when he sacrifices some regular season games here or there to save his team from unnecessary wear and tear.

And just check it: Chris Paul played 47 minutes. David West logged 46. Peja was in the game for 44. And Tyson Chandler played 42. Take away Jannero Pargo -- more on him below -- and the New Orleans reserves contributed 1 point (0-for-3), 1 rebound, 1 steal and 2 fouls in nine minutes. Greg Kite could have gotten more done in nine minutes. I mean, at least he would have finished with 6 fouls and probably a couple turnovers.

Fun fact: Bonzi's real name is Gawen Deangelo Wells. The nickname Bonzi originated from the cravings his mother had for ice cream bonbons during her pregnancy with him. (Apparently, he inherited those cravings.) His parents called him "bonbon" until the age of two, when it evolved to what it is today.

The New Orleans Starters: The Hornets were giving me 2001-02 Sacramento Kings flashbacks last night, and it wasn't just the presence of Peja Stojackovic (although he really, really helped). Whether it was fatigue or nerves -- or some combination of the two -- New Orleans' "Fantastic Four" looked like they were afraid of the ball in the fourth quarter.

Peja -- who's been a non-factor since Popovich unleashed Bruce Bowen on him -- shot 3-for-11 from the field and 1-for-5 from downtown, and he even airballed an open three down the stretch. David West finished with 20 and 9, but he boned an open 12-footer, and it was hard to tell whether it was because of a sore back or a tight scrotum. Chris Paul (18 points, 8 rebounds, 14 assists, 5 steals) had an outstanding game, but even he caught a case of don'twannashoottheballitis in the final four minutes or so. And as for Tyson Chandler, well, he's not exactly an offensive option, is he?

Jannero Pargo: Pargs was the only New Orleans player who didn't treat the rock like a hot potato in the fourth quarter. And he went off for 16 points in the final stanza, single-handedly leading the Hornets back from 17 down to within three points. But damn, Jannero...you weren't even letting the ground touch the ball, dog. He was jackin' from the left to the right to the left to the right again. He was not shy. He put up 13 shots in those fateful 12 minutes. And like Ryne from Odenized, I'm not sure whether he was the hero or the goat.


I guess it's like Obi-Wan Kenobi told Luke after Yoda kicked it: Either could be true, depending on your point of view. Which was a pretty slick way of getting out of totally lying to Luke about his father. I've always thought Obi-Wan used the Jedi Mind Trick on Luke in that scene. I mean, it went from "But you told me Vadar betrayed and murdered my father!" to "What I told you was true...from a certain point of view." And Luke just bought it.

Chistastrophe: I don't know who he is, but since he left the following comment, I will let him be the official representative of overreactive Spurs fans everywhere. "I eagerly await whatever bullshit response Basketbawful has for the Spurs resounding victory tonight. Perhaps the Spurs employed some special kind of flop that allows their bench players to drain three pointers. Maybe they flopped so hard it forced CP3 to choke in the biggest game of his life. Or maybe, just maybe, the Spurs are really really good at playing basketball."

Thanks, Chistastrophe, because I myself eagerly await douchey comments from every angry spaz who gets all bent out of shape by one or two posts I make and then freaks out about it. But before the next time you start whining and crying bullshit, do me a favor: Go back and actually read what I have to say. The entire Basketbawful archive is here for your perusal. You show me where, exactly, I ever said the Spurs weren't a good basketball team. Have I ever, anywhere, at any time, ever seriously suggested that the Spurs won four championships through their flop-a-riffic adventures and cheap-shottery? Of course I didn't. You're insane if you think otherwise, and you've got nothing to go on other than your own righteous indignation.

You can't change the fact that, in a league full of floppers, the Spurs are the most flop-tastic. Nor can you change the fact that Tony Parker got outted by his own wife for faking injuries on the court to get calls. You can't pretend the Duncan face doesn't happen over and over and over again every game the Spurs play. Nor can you undo Cheap Shot Rob's thuggary or Bruce Bowen's long, long history of grabbing, elbowing, hitting, kneeing, wacking people in the groin, putting his foot under their feet when they come down from a jump shot, and a thousand other little things that would get his bony ass kicked seven ways to Sunday if it happened anywhere other than on a professional basketball court...where Bruce "Lee" Bowen is protected by the very rules he repeatedly violates.

So honestly, don't blame me for pointing out what's going on right in front of you. I didn't create all that ugliness; I just held a mirror up to it. When Gregg Popovich goes to the Hack-A-Whoever strategy -- which I see as an affront to the sport -- I'm going to point it out. When the Spurs use an array of flops to draw five iffy fouls in three minutes and get the opposing team's two best players in foul trouble in the playoffs where physical play is the rule rather than the exception, I'm going to point it out. When one of their players launches himself directly into the back of an injured player during a 20-point blowout, I'm going to point it out.

Here's the thing: It's not like I'm not making this stuff up. This isn't me saying, "You know how I know the Spurs are gay? Because Robert Horry still has Will Smith's haircut from 1989." These things have happened. It's out there for public consumption. Everybody sees it. Everybody knows about it. No, it doesn't mean that the Spurs don't play smart, fundamental, championship-winning basketball, nor does it change the fact that they are the model any and every team should emulate. But no matter how hard you and other Spurs fans try to rewrite history, all that other stuff is just as much a part of their legacy as all the hardware in their trophy case.

So please, stop ragging on me for pointing that out and ask yourself why you think it's all okay? If winning at any cost is cool with you, then fine. As a fan, that's your choice to make. But if that is, in fact, the case, I can't help but wonder why me shining a flashlight on all the dirty stuff bothers you so much.

Random note: Those of you who claim I never say anything positive about the Spurs or their winning ways obviously didn't ready today's NBA Closer column.

Damon Stoudamire: Anybody else notice he's not even on the Spurs game roster since Game 5?

Update! Charles Barkley: In an effort to get things back on their usual funny track, loyal reader Wild Yams reminded me of something I should have remembered on my own. "I meant to mention earlier that Charles Barkley probably shoulda been included in the WotN for a couple things last night. First for his very unintentionally funny bit with EJ about his gambling. Not only was it just really weird to see those two all alone on the set trying to have a serious moment (especially with Barkley's glaringly white sneakers and socks to go with his suit), but Barkley said he was never going to gamble again, which he immediately clarified to mean 'in the next year or two.' That was priceless, and so was EJ trying to bait him into breaking it by saying 'wanna bet?' Inside the NBA is the wrong place for serious talk like that from the Chuckster, I'm afraid.

"Chuck's second big gaffe was saying that this Laker team is the best one Kobe's ever been on, although him saying that was totally worth it for Webber's fantastic reaction of wanting to walk off the set in disbelief. I love how Barkley shoots from the hip like that and doesn't think through the things he's about to say (see above), because every now and then he'll let fly with a Bill Walton-esque bit of hyperbole like that. God bless Barkley."

Right you are, Mr. Yams. Right you are. Although I'd probably say that Chuck shoots from the lip rather than the hip, but potato, tomato, as Joy Turner might say. Here's his "apology" for gambling:


And here's where he slams his giant, club foot in his mouth about Kobe's "best team":

Labels: bench play, Bruce Bowen, Chris Paul, David West, flopping, New Orleans Hornets, Peja Stojakovic, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Washington Wizards: They talked trash. They said they wanted Cleveland in the first round, that the Cavaliers couldn't defeat them three years in a row. They called LeBron overrated. They thugged the King at every available opportunity. End the end, they weren't just eliminated, they dropped the final game at home in a 105-88 blowout. The Wiz shot poorly (39 percent), had lousy ball movement (11 assists, 9 turnovers), and their defense was a joke: They let the Cavs shoot 50 percent, they forced only 6 turnovers, and Wally Szczerbiak hit 6 threes and scored a career playoff-high 26 points. Talk about going out with a whimper.

Antonio Daniels, quote machine: Regarding his team's third straight playoff ousting by the Cavaliers, Daniels said: "Three times in a row. It's tough. But who knows what happens if we have a healthy team? A healthy Gilbert Arenas? If we had Darius Songaila for Game 6 -- who knows what happens?" Okay, the Gilbert Arenas thing I understand...but does anybody think that Darius freaking Songaila could have prevented a blowout? Seriously?

Damon Jones: He's the current all-time record holder in trillions, with a 12 trillion in Game 1 of the 2007 NBA Finals. From that perspective, Friday's one trillion was pretty lame...but still worth mentioning.

Dominic McGuire: The Wizards might have lost Game 6 and gotten eliminated from the playoffs, but at least they countered Damon Jones with McGuire's one trillion. It was a moral victory.

Boston Celtics: I wasn't thrilled with the officiating in this game, especially the Hawks' 47-25 freethrow shooting advantage and the sequence in which Paul Pierce fouled out. But to be totally honest: It shouldn't have mattered. The Celtics never rose to the challenge in any of the three games they played in Atlanta. I can't remember a number one seed ever get challenged this effectively by a team that didn't even win 40 games, let alone that number one seed actually winning a championship. It was a great step for the maybe-up-and-coming Hawks, but a really bad sign for the Celtics' championship hopes.

Joe Johnson and Sam Cassell: Ooooo, tough guys. (From Odenized.)


Eddie House and Tony Allen: These guys got the Mario West treatment on Friday night: House played only 11 seconds and Allen played 9. And they really only got that PT because Boston needed three-point shooters at the end of the game.

Mario West: He played 3 seconds on Friday.

Houston Rockets: They finally got overwhelmed by the Jazz. If you think about it, though, it's sort of amazing they pushed the series to six games. The Rockets were, quite frankly, undermanned...especially after Rafer Alston went down (again). Dikembe Mutombo (2 points, 6 rebounds) looked really old, Shane Battier (5 points, 2-for-7) couldn't find the mark, Bobby Jackson (6 points, 2-for-12) shot like he was blinded by science, and Houston's youthful reserves -- Carl Landry (zero points, 0-for-2), Aaron Brooks (5 points, 0-for-5), Luther Head (zero points, 0-for-2) and Mike Harris (zero points, 0-for-0) -- gave the Rockets nothing off the bench.

Trady McGrady: That was one sad dude. And who could blame him. He had another great game -- 40 points, 10 rebounds, 5 assists -- but once again failed to make it out of the first round of the playoffs. Although, honestly, it was more a case of his team failing him and not the other way around.

Jarron Collins: He did his brother Jason proud by notching a two trillion against the Rockets on Friday. Oh, to be seven feet tall and talentless.

Dwight Howard: Superman played more like the Dazzler on Saturday. His 12 points and 8 rebounds were a far cry from the 20-20 games he was dropping on the Raptors. He also sounded awfully depressed after the Pistons got done blowing the Magic out. "I don't think I even looked up at the scoreboard for a while. It's disappointing." Well, yeah, it is...but I would have liked to hear a little more fire from Dwight after that ass-whoopin'.

Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans: They had dull games -- a combined 11 points (5-for-11), 5 assists adn 5 turnovers -- and got eaten alive by Chauncey Billups (19 points, 7 assists) and Rip Hamilton (17 points, 7-for-14). I guess this series is going to be the point at which all my doomsaying about Orlando's backcourt is revealed as Truth.

Orlando's three-point shooting: The Magic live and die by the three, and on Saturday they definitely died: 2-for-15, including 0-for-4 from Rashard Lewis and 1-for-3 from Hedo Turkoglu. If they don't hit from beyond the arc, they don't win. Period.

Amir Johnson: He had a two trillion against the Magic. Damn, Amir. Even Walter Herrmann scored a point and committed 3 fouls. Fun fact: "Herrmann" literally means "Mr. Man."

Tim Duncan: After the way Timmah manhandled Shaq and the Suns in the first round, I was really starting to think he was some kind of basketballing super soldier. Kind of like Captain America, only taller, blacker, and Duncan facier. (Do you think Captain American made the googly eyes at Hitler? Hell no. He punched that Nazi bitch in the face. And I bet his fist tastes just like justice.) Anyway, Duncan got his lunch money stolen by Tyson Chandler. Not only did Tyson have a huge game -- 10 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocked shots -- he helped put Timmy in a corner (5 points, 1-for-9, 3 rebounds). Duncan looked old and tired, but then, so did Kareem in Game 1 of the 1985 Finals. And Cap ended up winning the Finals MVP. I'm just sayin'.

Damon Stoudemire and Ime Udoka: They had identical statistical lines on Saturday: 1:47 of PT and nothing else. Hey guys...championship piggybacking is fun, isn't it?

Bruce Bowen: This guy is such an dick. He's about this close from surpassing Bill Laimbeer as the number one player all-time that everybody would like to punch in the face.


Reggie Miller, broadcasting savant: This is from Basketbawful reader Brandon. "Quouth the most: 'It gives Chris Paul another option offensively. You've got two shooters in Peterson and Stojakavic on opposite ends of the court.' I know what he's trying to say, but endline to endline is where the two baskets are. It sounds like he's saying one guy shoots for the other team. I wonder if this guy's trash-talking was just as incomprehensible. Seriously, was Cheryl the only one in the family who could talk without mangling the English language every 30 seconds?" I kind of think it all started when Michael Jordan mangled Reggie's face. I mean, everything's Michael Jordan's fault, right? Unless it's Tracy McGrady's fault.

Atlanta Hawks: Their plucky, can-do spirit got crushed in Boston. The Hawks shot 29 percent from the field and were more efficient in throwing the ball away (16 turnovers) than passing it (11 assists). Moreover, they just looked beaten -- and beaten badly -- by about the midpoint of the first quarter. I haven't seen that many stoney faces since Ben Grimm's family reunion. Yikes.

Atlanta's starters: Bad, bad, bad. Only Joe Johnson reached double figures (16 points, 5-for-17). The rest of them were ridiculously inept: Mike Bibby (2 points, 1-for-3), Al Horford (8 points, 3-for-12), Josh Smith (7 points, 3-for-11), Marvin Williams (7 points, 3-for-11). Way to bring it, guys. Oh, and hey, speaking of Williams...

Marvin Williams: Nothing like trying to kill somebody while your team is in the process of being completely destroyed. I don't think even Bill Laimbeer pulled anything like that.


Mike Woodson, quote machine: After his team got colon-blasted in Beantown, Woody said: "I wish we could have played all of our games in Atlanta." Well, that's just brilliant, coach! And I wish I could poop out solid gold bricks, but it just isn't in the cards. (Check that: I'd rather be able to just make them appear out of thin air; passing them through my intestines would probably be an excruciating process.)

Mario West: He played 1:36 in Game 7...thanks to the fact that it was a brutal blowout...which raised his MPG in the playoffs to exactly 1:00. That's right: He played seven minutes in seven games. Super Mario!

Kevin Garnett: He doesn't get a free pass just because he's on my all-time favorite basketball team. So KG: Please, no jersey-popping for barely escaping the first round against a 37-win team. Although looking at the picture again, maybe Kevin was desperately fighting against an alien symbiote that was trying to graft itself to his body. Or something. But at least he got in one last shot on Zaza Pachulia.

Utah Jazz: They put up a good fight, but man it looked like they had tired legs. They couldn't have drop-kicked the ball into the ocean (37 percent shooting, 4-for-19 from three) and they couldn't stay in front of their men. Of course, even that couldn't quite explain...

L.A.'s freethrow attempts: Holy Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals, Batman! The Lakers shot 49 freethrows yesterday -- including 19 in the fourth quarter -- and Kobe connected on a franchise playoff-record 21 (of 23). Even Phil Jackson seemed a little embarrassed. "It's an incredible night to have 23 foul shots. I know that Utah's not going to be happy about it. We'll probably see about half that in the next game, if not less."

DJ Mbenga: He joined the Mario West Sub-Minute Man Club by playing 3 seconds against the Jazz.

Fox Sports widgets: This is from Shayan of Time Intact. "This is the Fox Sports widget that I have and this is what it shows right now...I'm not even gonna bother pointing out what's wrong, the only thing that's right is the first game between the Magic and Pistons."

NBA.com: Basketbawful reader Tom noticed that the Hornets crushed the Magic this weekend. Wait...what?!

More NBA.com: This is from Basketbawful reader Vert. "Struggling playing at Boston in their deciding game 7, the Hawks used several different six-man lineups so they could have a chance against the awoken Celtics." Well, playing six men would definitely give them a decided advantage...

Even more NBA.com: This is from Basketbawful reader Jin. "I know sometimes you like to post these little mistakes in advertising or box scores from Yahoo/ESPN, so I thought I'd pass this one along. Apparently the Jazz are facing off against the Jazz in the second round. I guarantee you the Jazz will in. I'd bet my life on it."

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Bruce Bowen, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, NBA.com, officiating, Orlando Magic, Tracy McGrady, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Weekend

thug (thuhg) 1. verb, -ged, -ging. The act of committing an unnecessarily hard foul or fouls; this includes both those that are called and those that are either missed or ignored by the referees. 2. noun. One who commits an act of thuggery.

Usage example: Long before Bruce "Lee" Bowen was roaming the hardwood, Bill Laimbeer was the undisputed master of thugging.

Word trivia: We really do love the 80s, don't we? The 2008 Playoffs have been filled with so much acrimony and so many hard fouls that somewhere out there Kurt Rambis' neck is tingling...while Kevin McHale is smiling wistfully. And David Stern -- The Iron Boot responsible for stomping out physical play in The League -- must be okay with it, because the commish has been uncharacteristically forgiving through it all, from the near death of Jannero Pargo...


...to the extra little shove Hedo Turkoglu gave Chris Bosh...


...to Kevin Garnett's throwdown with Zaza Pachulia...


...to Brendan Haywood sending LeBron into the crowd...


...to DeShawn Stevenson headhunting Lebron...


...to Darius Songaila's "accidental" punch to LeBron's mug. Update! Oops. Wrong. Songaila got suspended.


Note that three of these examples involve somebody thumping Lebron James, which is less Rambis versus McHale and more Bad Boy Pistons versus Michael Jordan. This goes way beyond hombre-ism and straight into the realm of cheap-shotery. And you know what? I love it. I never realized much I enjoyed this kind of tooth-rattling, bone-jarring it's-okay-to-hate-your-opponents intensity until -- all of a sudden, out of nowhere -- it was back. Tell the truth: Doesn't this make the playoffs way more interesting? The word you're searching for is: Yes.

Thugtastic extra: No thug post would be complete without a Bill Laimbeer mix, now would it?

Labels: Bill Laimbeer, Brendan Haywood, Bruce Bowen, DeShawn Stevenson, Kevin McHale, Kurt Rambis, Lebron James, Word of the Day

Boston Celtics: I'm not saying that that this team has lost focus now that there's nothing left to play for...actually, you know what? That's precisely what I'm saying. The Celtics turned their effort on and off all night, cruising here, making a run there, hitting big shots and then committing careless mistakes (they had 20 turnovers). The up-and-down, sometimes lackadaisical play led to a 109-95 defeat that gave the Wizards, a potential playoff opponent, more confidence than they probably deserve. Not a big deal, maybe, but you never want to give your foes any type of psychological advantage going into the postseason.

Doc Rivers: Doc couldn't quite decide whether to rest his stars or go all out to beat Washington, so he did the worst possible thing: He yanked The Big Three but then put them back in the game because the score was still close in the fourth quarter. The end result? He didn't rest his stars or win. Paul Pierce played 37 minutes, Ray Allen logged 36, and Kevin Garnett put in 30. Okay, KG got some rest, but what in the name of Lincoln's wart was Ray-Ray doing on the floor that long? We've been hearing all season that Allen's fragile ankles now have the relative durability of two dowel rods wrapped in toilet tissue. If there's one Celtic -- besides Sam Cassell, that is -- who should be sitting, it's Ray Allen. Save him for the playoffs, Doc.

Brian Scalabrine: Everybody's favorite candlepin bowler-slash-instructional video star actually got some PT last night. He would have scored a one trillion, but he gonked a shot and committed a turnover. Which, now that I think about it, is even sadder than getting a trillion.

Maurice Ager: There's our one trillion of the night. Thanks, Maurice.

Ben Wallace: It's good to see Big Bum disappoint somewhere other than Chicago. Wallace's line against the Nets: 1 points (0-for-2), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 turnovers and the worst +/- score on the team (-12).

The Nets' fourth quarter: New Jersey started the quarter down by two points, but they quickly went up by one when Bostjan Nachbar hit a three-pointer. The Nets didn't know it at the time, but their first field goal of the period would also be their last; they went 0-for-19 the rest of the way. And so New Jersey got outscored 28-9 in that final stanza and lost 104-83. Mind you, their very playoff lives were at stake. You hear that, Nets? It's a bell tolling for thee.

Chicago Bulls: It's official. They're not even really trying to win at this point. And Ben Gordan -- who last summer announced that he's the best player on the team -- said it's hard for the players to motivate themselves with nothing to play for and no reason to care. Said Gordan Gordon: ''Anybody who says it isn't, is not telling the truth."

Well, you're wrong, Ben. There's at least one Bull who still cares: Rookie Joakim Noah. And he had some strong (and refreshingly frank) words after the game. Said Noah: "'Losing is like a disease, it spreads throughout the whole team,. It's really hard right now, because regardless of what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season. I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. You can talk about Florida, but if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. We're losers. That's all there is to say." He's not wrong."

And Noah wasn't done. ''There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about approach to every game; the things that are going to be tolerated and the things that aren't going to be tolerated. Not the little, stupid things. I'm talking about winning; the sacrifices that need to be done in order to win.'' Amen, brother. Amen. Say whatever you want about his maturity or his hideous jump shot, but the kid is focused, intense, and dedicated to winning. I wish whatever he has would spread through that lineup. In the meantime, the Bulls have stolen the Chicago Cubs' mantra: Wait 'till next year.

Patrick Ewing: From Odenized. You know that fat lip Dwight Howard's sporting these days? It's a little something Ewing likes to call "payback." Still, I figure Stan Van Gundy might prefer if his assistant coach didn't endorse injuries to the team's superstar until after the playoffs.


Isiah Thomas, quote machine: With his team riding a three-game winning streak -- and yes, that's a season-high -- Isiah is all bright eyes and wistful smiles. "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they’re a team now. A little late, but nevertheless." Wow. It took him only four years to make them a real team. Congratulations, Zeke.

Mark Madsen: We had a Mark Madsen signing! He played 4 minutes and had 1 rebound. That's it. Did you know this is Madsen's 8th NBA season? Wow. And I said Kwame Brown was going to be out of the league soon? What was I thinking?! There's obviously always room at the end of an NBA roster for a big, talentless stiff.

Seattle SuperSonics: In the two games they've played since dropping 151 points on the Enver Nuggets, the Sonics have scored 83 (on 38 percent shooting) and 80 (on 36 percent shooting). A few more bricks, and they'll be ready to build their new stadium from scratch!

San Antonio Spurs: Memo to Gregg Popovich: Shaq is not dead quite yet. Pop decided to stick with single coverage on The Big Resurrection, and his team paid the price for it. Shaq scored 8 points in the fourth quarter, including two huge hooks over Tim Duncan that gave the Suns what turned out to be an insurmountable lead over the defending champs.

Matt Bonner: Ugh. Three trillion. You, sir, are a disgrace to the name "Matt." I say you return that name for something for fitting, like maybe "Poindexter" or "Booger."

Bruce Bowen: What? Bowen pulled a move out of his Dirty Player Aresenal especially for his team's game against the Suns? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I can totally believe it.)


Amare Stoudemire: After getting the old atomic elbow from Bowen, Stat tried to go all hombre on him. "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in my rib cage. You know, definitely wasn’t a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn’t appreciate it. So, I let him know about it." Stoudemire is crazy athletic, and he's an amazing scorer. But he is so not a tough guy. Button the lip, Amare, and let Shaq be your hombre, okay?

Shaq: The Big Cactus played well, but he got a little grandiose after the game (as he is wont to do). Said Shaq: "I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created." No offense, Shaq, but you're wrong. The baddest 36-year-old ever created was Karl Malone. Take a look: 25.5 PPG (on 51 percent shooting), 9.5 RPG, 3.7 APG, and -- if you're into advanced stats -- a PER of 27.1 which, according to John Hollinger's handy reference guide, would have made him a "Strong MVP Candidate." Nobody has ever played better at 36. Not even Kareem. (Seriously.)

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Chicago Bulls, Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas, Joakim Noah, New Jersey Nets, Patrick Ewing, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics

"Quit yer damn blubbering, Frenchy."

JamesOn Curry: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who's currently serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry will most likely miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's game against the Austin Toros on Sunday.

Bruce Bowen: He scored 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting last night. That makes Bowen 5-for-31 (16 percent) over his last six games. His best performance during that stretch was a 6-point, 2-for-8 performance against the Warriors. As I've said before, I know the Spurs don't keep him around for his offense or his good looks, but the dude's shooting the ball like somebody replaced his hands with oozing squid tentacles.

Francisco Elson: He was only 0-for-2 in limited action, which doesn't sound that bad, but trust me, it was. First of all, Elson's two shots were a 15-footer from the left wing and a 17-footer from the right wing. According to most NBA scouts, those shots were about 14 and 16 feet outside his range, repectively. Second, I have rarely seen a jumpshot so awkward and ugly. It would make a blind goat weep. I swear, the way his limbs splay out and freeze during his jumper, it's like he's getting electrocuted mid-shot. Francisco, if you're wondering why Gregg Popovich yanked you after only three minutes, go back and watch film of those shots.

Sasha Pavlovic: Cleveland's shooting ace went 1-for-4 last night, including 0-for-2 from three-point range.

Damon Jones: How about Damon's new hairstyle? The sides are mostly shaved but he still has the hair on top. What do you call that, exactly? A fohawk? Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Brad Miller's cornrows or Scot Pollards, well, anything. But still.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Speaking of hair, Ilgauskas was sporting the freshly-shaved head look last night. You know, minus the somewhat manly noggin-stubble, the Z-Man's shorn scalp makes him look kind of like the Metaluna mutant, or maybe Sloth from The Goonies.

Tony Parker: TP missed two ginormous freethrows with 29.4 seconds to play...freethrows that would have tied the game at 90. Instead of tying it up, the Spurs lost 90-88. At home. Said Parker: "They both felt good. They just didn't go in," Parker said. "I shoot 200 free throws every day. It was a good chance to show my improvement. They just didn't go in." Actually, Parker is shooting only 73 percent from the line this season after hitting a career-high 78 percent last year. You know, just FYI.

Utah Jazz: Hmm. Do you think defense is a problem for the Jazz? They gave up 120 points, 16 offensive rebounds, and a career-high 41 points to...Linas Kleiza?! How has Jerry Sloan not gone freako apeshit yet? I'm telling you, if he doesn't get berzerky soon, somebody needs to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Paul Millsap: For the most part, I'd say Millsap has exceeded expectations for a guy who was picked 17th in the second round of the NBA draft. But 1-for-8 shooting wouldn't exceed anybody's expectations, unless maybe Millsap was actually a labradoodle.

[Update] Marcus Camby's shooting: The people -- or at least a reader named Five Pound Bag -- have spoken: "You could have added 'Marcus Camby's shooting,' as he missed on the rare dirty triple by two points on account of going 4-13 from the floor. His 11 (!) blocks and 24 (!!) boards will just have to be a dirty double." Five Pound Bag, you are absolutely right. Thank you for correcting my shortsightedness.

Brian Skinner: I don't know what to make of Skinner's performance last night. On the one hand, he grabbed 9 rebounds and blocked 4 shots. On ther other, he was the only Suns player to go scoreless (0-for-3) and he committed 4 turnovers. I mean, how do you play 22 minutes in the Phoenix run-and-gun offense and not score a point? That said, I really, really hope that coach D'Antoni keeps playing this guy. Phoenix desperately needs gritty roleplayers who are willing to sacrifice their own offense, bang people around, and get their hands dirty. And Skinner's the only guy on their 12-man roster who fits that bill. But my guess is that once Grant Hill gets back, Skinner's going back into cold storage.

Derek Fisher: I cannot stress enough how important Derek Fisher has been in the Lakers' resurgence this season. Not only is he providing heaping helpings of much-needed veteran leadership, he's also scoring 12 PPG on a career-high 47 percent shooting. And he was huge in the L.A.'s previous two wins over the Suns (14 and 19 points, respectively). But last night he was very, very small: 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 3 turnovers.

Kwame Brown: Yup, I still think this guy is the worst first overall draft pick of all time, worse even than The Kandi Man. He shot 3-for-8, missed two layups and a dunk (sounds like a job for the Mikan Drill), committed 5 fouls, and had more turnovers (7) than rebounds (6). And the Staples Center crowd was booing him. Most of the time, I'm not sure the Staples Center crowd is even awake. But they were awake last night, and acutely aware of how sucktastic Brown can be. Still, the booing was pretty harsh. When even I feel sorry for a Laker, you know something is horribly wrong.

Luke Walton: He had a career season last year, signed a nice new contract with the Lakers over the summer, and now his numbers have dropped in pretty much every category. Man, I haven't heart that story before. (Another textbook case of the Contract Year Phenomenon.) Walton's downward spiral continued last night, as he scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting.

Leandro Barbosa: He shot (8-for-12) and scored (team-high 22 points) well, but his floor game was lacking. The Suns offense dries up when he's playing the point. He dribbles too much, forces up tougher-than-necessary shots, and throws the ball away (4 turnovers). D'Antoni should use him exclusively as a shooting guard. Of course, that would be easier if the Suns actually had a backup point guard...

Labels: Brian Skinner, Bruce Bowen, Damon Jones, Derek Fisher, Francisco Elson, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, Paul Millsap, Sasha Pavlovic, Tony Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Denver Nuggets defense: The Charlotte Bobcats are 20th in the league in scoring (95.4 PPG), but Denver let them score 119 points. That's the most points the Bobcats have scored since late last season, when they dropped 122 on the Wizards. Memo to the Nuggets: If you want to be legit, you can't let teams like Charlotte score 119 points on you. Still, despite all that, Denver would have won the game if not for...

Carmelo Anthony: With 9.5 seconds left and the Nuggets trailing 117-115, 'Melo went to the line with a chance to tie the game. He made the first free throw, but clunked the second. Still, Anthony did manage to snag a deflected rebound...then shuffled his feet. Tweet! Game over. Said Anthony after the game: ""I probably did travel. I didn't think they would call it, though."

Boston Celtics: Wow. Going into this game, the Celtics had already lost two of three, including a home game against the Bobcats. And after losing to the Wizards in Washington on Saturday, I bet a lot of people were forecasting a little Boston payback last night. Only, oddly enougn, it was the Wizards who got payback for the way they got spanked in the C's home opener. But it's not the fact that the Celtics lost that's alarming -- every team loses winnable games here and there -- it's the way they lost. Boston was leading 77-63 with 6:24 left to play but got outscored 25-6 the rest of the way. The Celtics had their chances in the final minute, but Garnett missed a three-pointer and then clanked a turnaround jumper, and Ray Allen came up way short on a three on what turned out to be the Celtics final meaningful possession. When you have not one, not two, but three superstars on your team, you should really be able to hold onto a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter at home against a lesser team.

One note on Boston's "failure": The Celtics played the first 30 or so games like they were playoff games. That's the kind of intensity and determination that the Garnett, Pierce, and Allen were bringing to each and every game. So, really, it's not surprising that there's been a little bit of a letdown. It's hard to maintain that degree of focus and concentration over the course of an 82-game season. Especially when you consider that these guys had never even played together before (All-Star Games don't count). The team looks a little gassed right now, probably because they've been playing basketball like their lives depended on it for the last three months or so. They'll recover.

Caron Butler: I love his scrappy play, I love the way he's helped rally the Wizards to a 20-16 record without Gilbert Arenas, and I really love his crazy nickname ("Tough Juice"). But I'm not sure what to make of his post-kicking-Boston's-ass comments: "Our eyes are on winning a championship." You know, I expect a certain amount of absurd confidence from professional athletes. And yeah, the Wizards have played way better than anybody thought they could, minus their superstar leader. But, that said, and the back-to-back victories against Boston aside, does anybody think the Wizards have what it takes to win a championship this season? Or even make it to the Eastern Conference Finals? I mean, it's great to dream and all, but come on. Oh well, like Ricky Bobby said, "If yer not first, yer last."

New Jersey Nets: I know the Blazers have been on fire lately, but that doesn't explain why the Nets just laid down and died at home. They only scored 12 points in the first quarter and 73 points in the game. The team shot 33 percent (26-for-77), and effort "led" by the Nets' Big Three of Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson, who shot a combined 7-for-33. This team should be so much better than it is.

Gordan Giricek: That's two straight DNP-CDs. Yeah, I know he wasn't happy on the Jazz, but you really have to be careful what you wish for in this league.

Bruce Bowen: He was 1-for-8 last night, and he's 4-for-27 over his last five games (including 2-for-16 from three-point range). Granted, the Spurs don't count on him for scoring, but hitting a shot now and then sure would help their cause.

Milwaukee Bucks: The Bucks shot 57 percent through the first three quarters, then nearly got blanked in the fourth. They ended up shooting 2-for-18 in the fourth quarter, after going the first seven-plus minutes without a field goal. And I know it sort of goes without saying, but they coughed up the lead, and the game, to the Jazz.

Kevin Durant: When he looks back to his team's 2-point overtime loss to the Lakers, I hope he realizes that his 6-for-26 shooting performance is what doomed his team.

Kobe Bryant: Yes, he led his team to victory by scoring 48 points...on 44 shot attempts. With 2 assists. Now that Bynum's out for a couple months, could this be the return of the last season's Kobe? I kinda hope so.

Dallas Mavericks defense: The Mavs were great offensively: 120 points, 57 percent shooting, 28 assists. Too bad they gave up 122 points. To the Kings. Kevin Martin, who hasn't played basketball in six weeks, scored 39 points (14-for-16) in just under 28 minutes. Said Avery Johnson: "We are not going to win many games giving up 122 points." I guess that's why he's the coach.

DeSagana Diop: In a game in which the two teams combined for 242 points on 164 shot attempts, Diop contributed...5 fouls in 5 minutes of "action." He is not making Senegal proud. [Thanks to Bob for the heads up.]

Labels: Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Carmelo Anthony, Caron Butler, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Gordon Giricek, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Milwaukee Bucks, New Jersey Nets

I'm currently writing an impassioned plea to the Suns to stop sucking -- and yes, a 24-10 team can and does suck -- but in the meantime, here's a brief Worst of the Night post with a little something extra: What is possibly the worst and most bizarre Larry Bird commercial of all time (as previously discovered by Matt Watson of the AOL Fanhouse).

This commercial was apparently shot in 1982. Nothing really made sense back then: Parachute pants, friendship pins, wacky wallcrawlers, jelly shoes, the fact that men actually wanted to see Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini. But even stranger than any of those things is the fact that Larry Joe Bird, the Hick from French Lick, endorsed French designer jeans. Anybody who knows anything about Larry Bird knows that the only "designer" jeans he would have worn in the 80s would have been a pair of Wranglers. Maybe.

I also found it exceedingly strange that Bird barely even appears in the commercial. Now, I'm not a French designer jean commercial expert, but I do know this: If I'm paying money to film a commercial starring Larry Bird, that commercial is actually going to star Larry Bird. After watching it 20 times or so, I'm not convinced Larry even realized he was in a commercial. He was probably just hanging out at the local arcade in his French designer jeans, playing with his basketball and watching girls ride around on their roller skates...you know, just like everybody else in the 80s was doing. The commercial just kind of got shot around him. Seriously. I have to believe that.

Worst of the Night

Denver Nuggets Defense: The Nuggets are, amazingly, the eighth best team in the league in field goal percentage allowed (44.4). That fact is even harder to believe after the way the Suns shot against them last night (53.8). The Suns scored 46 points in the first quarter en route to a 137-points sandblasting of the hapless Nuggets. I'm not a mathematalogist -- in fact, I still count on my fingers -- but even I know you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Boris Diaw: On a night in which it seemed like every single Suns player had it going, Diaw still sucked, scoring 4 points (on 2-for-8 shooting) and almost fouling out. Seriously, someone needs to go to Diaw's house and check his basement for body snatcher pods.

San Antonio Spurs defense: The Spurs are the third-best team in the league in terms of PPG allowed (92.5), yet last night they surrendered 130 points to the Warriors. Sure, it was an overtime game, but the Warriors still had 112 points by the end of regulation. As I might have mentioned before, you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.

Fun fact: This kind of shocked me, but the Spurs are only 21st in the league in field goal percentage defense (45.7), which is barely better than the Heat (45.8) and Warriors (also 45.8). The fact that they're one of the best teams in PPG allowed but one of the worst teams in FGP allowed tells you pretty much all you need to know about the pace of their games.

Bruce Bowen: Great players always want to redeem themselves after bad games. Embarrassed by his 1-for-8 shooting performance against the Clippers, Bowen came back to shoot 2-for-8 against the Warriors. Way to turn it around, Bruce!

Robert Horry: Unless my eyes decieve me, the Spurs started him at center last night. He played 13 minutes, shot 0-for-1, and committed one turnover for each point he scored (3).

Tim Duncan: Yeah, he had 32 points, 13 rebounds, and 3 assists, but he had the game-worst +/- score of -13. Are the Spurs better without Tim Duncan?? Ha, ha, okay, I'm kidding. But seriously, I don't get this +/- thingie.

Matt Barnes: It's never a good sign when you have a career year but your team only wants to sign you to a one-year contract. That's what happened with Barnes this summer, and it's starting to look like the Warriors knew what they were doing. His numbers are down in scoring (9.8 to 7.3), shooting percentage (43.8 to 38.5), three-point percentage (36.6 to 32.7), and freethrow percentage (73.2 to 68.6). Meanwhile, all his other number are about the same. Basically, that one-year contract was the Warriors way of saying, "Prove it," and Barnes isn't. His line against the Spurs last night: Zero points (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in eight minutes of playing time.

Austin Croshere: He hasn't played since scoring a season-high 12 points on December 16th.

Labels: Austin Croshere, Boris Diaw, Bruce Bowen, commercials, Denver Nuggets, Larry Bird, Matt Barnes, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night

Miami Heat: How best to sum up Miami's latest loss (which dropped them 10 games below .500)? Well, for starters, Chris Quinn (??) was their leading scorer with a career-high 22 points. Shaq was limited to 26 minutes due first to foul trouble and then to plain old ineffectiveness as the Heat played better using a small lineup (i.e., without him). The newly crowned MDE (Most Decrepit Ever) finished with 7 points, 6 rebounds, 1 assist, and three turnovers. Dwyane Wade continues to prove that he isn't back to 100 percent after returning from shoulder and knee injuries. And worse, he's trying too hard to do too much, as evidenced by his season-high 8 turnovers. It's the ninth time in the 15 games he's played this season that Wade has had at least 5 turnovers. And let's not overlook Jason Williams, who contributed zero points (0-3), 1 rebound, and 2 assists in 14 Eric Snow-like minutes. Have we mentioned the Heat's embarrassing lack of depth? Daequan Cook came off the bench to play 10 mintues and all he could manage was zero points (0-1) and 2 personal fouls. Seriously, it's getting to the point where reading through a Miami Heat box score is like perusing the obituaries. Actually, I have more fun reading obituaries, but maybe that's just me. Speaking of grave, the Heat are now 2-7 at home, the second worst road record (to the Timberwolves) in the league. Have we mentioned these guys are just a couple seasons removed from an NBA championship?

Fun fact: Wade's career-high in turnovers is 12. It happened on February 1, 2007, in a 92-89 win over the Cavaliers. Of course, at least he scored 41 points (thanks in part to his 25 FTAs) and led the Heat to a victory in that game.

Dominic McGuire: As bad as the Heat were -- and they were very, very bad -- I still noticed that Washington's rookie guard notched a one trillion last night. Congratulations, Dominic! But I suppose we shouldn't expect that much from a second-round draft pick with a career-high of 2 points. And hey, he scored as many points as Jason Williams and Daequan Cook, and those guys actually got some PT.

Shaq: Okay, I can't let this go. I've brought this up several times over the last couple years, but the Big Washed Up once promised us that he would retire if he was ever "only as good as David Robinson." Well, I'd absolutely and without question take the end-of-his-career David Robinson over today's Shaq. At least The Admiral was still a sturdy rebounder and (more importantly) a defensive presence. And he could stay on the floor more than 20 minutes a game. Moreover, Robinson was able to understand that his skills were declining and accepted a lesser role for the betterment of his team. Shaq, on the other hand, thinks the Heat's problems would be solved if he was getting 20 shots a game. Yet when you watch the Heat consistently make runs with a smaller, faster, more defensively-oriented lineup, it becomes clear that's just not true. In fact, the question doesn't even seem to be whether Shaq should be getting more shots, but whether he should be starting or backing up Alonzo Mourning. The Diesel has officially entered into the "Washington Wizards Michael Jordan" phase of his career; he's no longer even close to what he once was, but he can't accept it, and yet for some strange reason nobody feels completely comfortable in writing him or his team off. Speaking of which...

Fun fact: Tomorrow is the five-year anniversary of the night Michael Jordan matched his career-low with 2 points (1-9) in Washington's 95-82 win over a terrible, Vince Carter-less Raptors team.

Tony Parker: Sprained ankle? Sprained ankle?! Yeah, I kinda don't think so.

Los Angeles Lakers: Their game log for this season will forever show a win against the world champs, which will look impressive to the untrained eye. But what I saw last night was a Lakers squad that struggled mightily at home to finish off a Spurs team that was missing its two best players (Tim Duncan and Tony Parker) and suffering through an off night for its third best player: Manu Ginobili shot 5-17, including 1-7 from three-point range, and committed a season-high 7 turnovers. Of course, that was in part because the officials let the Lakers grab his arms and push him around. But whatever. The fact is, LA almost let Bruce Bowen's offense -- yes, his offense -- beat them. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed. I predict a classic revenge game for the Warriors when the Lakers travel to Golden State tonight.

Andrew Bynum: Bynum earned himself double technicals and an ejection for popping Fabricio Oberto in the face with an elbow. And it didn't happen in the heat of action; it happened during a dead ball situation while Oberto was making his way downcourt. What made the situation even more pathetic was how Bynum raised his hands after the fact to make it look like he didn't actually intend to hit Oberto, then actually complained about getting teched up (which earned him a second technical). And of course Kobe had to stick his nose into it, running downcourt to argue with the the ref. And of course Phil Jackson, ever the smug one, commented to the sideline reporter between the third and fourth quarters that the officials had evened things out between the two teams (since Duncan and Parker were out) by kicking Bynum out of the game. See, these are perfect examples of why it's so easy to hate the Lakers.

Matt Bonner: He followed up a 25-point, 17-rebound game with zero points (0-2) and 3 rebounds in 15 minutes against the Lakers. I guess he's back to being a poor man's Brian Scalabrine.

Ruban Patterson: The man once known as "The Kobe Stopper" (by himself at least) was waived yesterday. By the Clippers (8-13). Patterson, who was coming off a "career year" (14.7 PPG and 5.4 RPG), was the Clippers' big free agent acquisition last summer, and the Clips were freaking excited about it. Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Balyor said: "We are thrilled to add Ruben to our team. Ruben plays hard every single night. He is an aggressive defensive player and has a real enthusiasm for the game. He gives 100 percent every game." The gushing continued when head coach Mike Dunleavy said: "I am really excited by our signing of Ruben Patterson. He is a great competitor. I have always admired the intensity he brings from game to game. His versatility will help improve our team." Apparently, all of that changed in the brief span of 21 games. So...what? Patterson wasn't giving 100 percent every game? He doesn't play aggressive defense anymore? He's no longer intense and enthusiastic? How about this: He was statistically unproductive in the 16 minutes per night that Dunleavy felt safe giving him. The fact is, Patterson is the prototypical Intangible Man. If the Clippers had a healthy Elton Brand and Shaun Livingston, a quality role player like Patterson would be a perfect fit. But right now the Clippers are searching for answers...and a guy who can contribute in the kind of ways you can actually see on a stat sheet.

Labels: Andrew Bynum, Bruce Bowen, Los Angeles Lakers, Manu Ginobili, Miami Heat, Ruben Patterson, San Antonio Spurs, Shaq, TNT, Tony Parker, Worst of the Night

The 2007 NBA Playoffs have forced almost daily updates to my "Dead To Me" list. Here's the current listing:

10. Reed Richards and Tony Stark
9. Seventeen-year cicadas
8. People who misuse ellipsis points
7. I-290 East (prior to the Austin Blvd. exit)
6. Hugh Jackman
5. Linear algebra
4. Kobe Bryant*
3. StubHub
2. Stu Jackson
1. San Antonio Spurs

*This is the first time Kobe's been out of the top 3 since the fall of 2001.

So...what have the NBA playoffs taught us so far? That it's okay to sweep a leg (Bruce Bowen), knee an opponent in the frigamajig (Bowen again), mash somebody's face with an elbow (Baron Davis), and clothesline a guy nearly to death (Jason Richardson) -- none of those plays resulted in a suspension (and lest anyone forget, Kobe Bryant got suspended this season, twice, for doing less). It is not okay, however, to step over a painted line after somebody shoulder-tackles your two-time MVP teammate into the scorer's table. Way to maintain order, David Stern!

This is a textbook example of traveshamockery. A roleplayer from one team thugs the best player on the opposing team, and the team that gets punished is the one that was victimized in the first place. NBA executive vice president of basketball operations Stu Jackson had the audacity to say, ""It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness."

Really, Stu? Is that right?

Here's what I want to know. How is the "can't leave the bench" edict the only true zero tolerance rule in the NBA? Everything other rule is open to some manner of interpretation. If a player charges into the stands after an abusive fan, he might get suspended 11 games (Vernon Maxwell), 73 games (Ron Artest), or only 1 game (Antonio Davis). If a player punches somebody, he might get suspended for five games, or he might get 25. Every situation is unique and must therefore be judged on its own merit. I mean, referees are forced to make judgement calls all the time on what consitutes a hand-check, a travelling violation, a charge, a flagrant foul, and so on. Why can't there be a judgement call in this type of situation? There's also supposed to be a zero tolerance policy for post-whistle complaining, but players bitch and moan about fouls (and non-fouls) all the time. The fact is, NBA officials have always been able to pick and choose how and when they enforce the rules.

But that's all beside the point. "Zero tolerance" rules are designed by people in positions of power who want to absolve themselves of the need to use logic or wisdom. They can always fall back on this excuse to disarm their critics. The granddaddy of all zero tolerance rules is that the referee is always right, but when Joey Crawford threw Tim Duncan out of a game for laughing at his calls from the bench, the league decided that Crawford needed to be punished for his behavior. Apologists for the NBA can say that Crawford was punished because he asked if Duncan wanted to fight, but asking "Do you want to fight?" is the lamest of aggressive things ever said on a basketball court, even by officials. Crawford was punished because, against all reason, he chose to eject one of a team's critical players during one of the league's critical matchups. And now the NBA is doing the exact same thing.

This is not a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for the NBA. The following would be a completely legitimate statement by Commissioner Stern regarding this incident:

"In light of the fact that there were no punches thrown and that this incident began as a result of aggressive action taken by the Spurs, I consider it more prudent to follow the spirit of the law. Following the letter of the law in this case would create a very high incentive for teams to send thugs onto the floor to fight in an effort to get opposing benches suspended. I cannot in good conscience allow such a precedent by rewarding bad behavior. In a related story, Robert Horry has been suspended for the next Spurs/Suns game."

That didn't happen though, and it won't. And in the meantime, the Spurs have become the new Bad Boys. They've very quietly played rough and dirty for years, to the point where their behavior is now an irrevocable part of the institution. Trying to combat their tactics is like trying to stop a tank by blowing on it with a straw. You can't talk about it without being labeled a whiner, you can't react without being punished, and you can't count on the league to protect you.

You know what I'd like to see? Retribution. If I was coach Mike D'Antoni, I'd send Pat Burke into the game and instruct him to guard Duncan. I'd tell Burke to do his best Bill Laimbeer impersonation and pull every dirty trick in the book. I'd have him grab, hold, and trip. I'd tell him to step on Duncan's feet and undercut him at every opportunity. Then I'd tell him to deliver five of the hardest possible fouls whenever it looked like Duncan might shoot the ball. Then, for foul number six, I'd order Burke to level Duncan. Just drop him to the floor. Let's see whether any of the Spurs lose their cool and jump off the bench. I'm sure the Phoenix players would be more than happy to donate the money needed to pay Burke's fines.

Would that be a petty, rotten, dirty thing to do? Maybe. But it's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness.

[Many thanks to Evil Ted for his contributions.]

Labels: Baron Davis, Bruce Bowen, Jason Richardson, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, rules, San Antonio Spurs, Stu Jackson, Tim Duncan

Does it really take that many armsto restrain Steve Nash? Seriously?!
I can't believe Phoenix pulled off that win last night.

The Spurs did almost everything right. They set the tempo. They clogged the lane. They ran out at the three-point shooters. They worked the ball around and continously got high-percentage shots. They dominated almost the entire game and held double-digit leads for long stretches of the third and fourth quarters. The Suns made a run -- as everybody knew they would -- but when the Spurs pushed their lead back to 97-92 with a couple minutes to go, I figured it was over.

Guess I was wrong.

How'd the Suns do it? Well, first off, they got a little road cookin' in that all the critical calls went their way in the 4th quarter. There were some iffy charges and at least one ticky-tac "and 1" in which Leandro Barbosa clearly initiated the contact with Tony Parker. But even more telling is the fact that Tim Duncan got called for travelling twice. Now mind you, both calls were absolutely correct. He shuffled his feet. But Duncan always shuffles his feet...it just doesn't get called, certainly not in the 4th quarter of a home playoff game. But they got him last night.

Of course, even though the Suns got a lot of favorable whistles night, I'd like to point one thing out. You know those handchecking rules that David Stern enacted to free up perimeter players and fast breaking teams? Apparently those rules apply to everybody but the Spurs. They handcheck on every possession. In fact, I think Steve Nash should stencil some hand outlines on his jersey so it's easier for Bruce Bowen to remember where to grab on.

Anyway, it's funny how a few calls here and there will get a team going. Because to tell you the truth, the only Suns player who looked like he really believed they could win during the second half was Steve Nash. The rest of the team looked scared and tentative. Guys were even passing up shots. It was kind of embarrassing, and I think Nash looked a little pissed off about it. But once the whistling winds of change started blowing their way, the Suns got that "We Believe" look in their eyes.

Then it was just a plain, old-fashioned gut check, symbolized by not one, but two behind-the-back passes from Steve Nash to Amare Stoudemire for layups (and not easy ones), the second of which gave the Suns their first lead since it was 38-37 in the first half.

But even when the game was basically decided, the Spurs chose not to go down quietly. That's when Robert Horry -- who for the last few years has been playing the role of the "lovable grandpa" everybody can count on -- channeled his inner Bill Laimbeer and blasted Nash out of bounds. It was a sucker punch worthy of Ric Flair, but I'll give Horry some credit. He didn't pull a Bruce Bowen, which is when you cheapshot somebody, then adopt a look of purest innocence and pretend it was unintentional. No, Horry pistol-whipped Nash and gave him a look like, "That's right, I did that to you."

It's hard to say what Horry's intention was. It sured seemed like he was trying to bait somebody into a fight, which almost happened when Raja Bell charged onto the scene. And of course Nash's teammates on the bench, primarly Stoudemire and Boris Diaw, jumped to their feet and onto the court. Now we have to wait and see if those players get suspended. Yeah, they violated the letter of the law (no leaving the bench during altercations), but not the spirit of the law (which is to prevent brawls). Personally, I think it would be unfair of Stern to suspend anybody on the Suns, particularly after the brutality of Horry's hit and all of Bowen's dirty little tricks. We'll see.

Great win for Phoenix, though. They regained home court advantage and now they [CLICHE ALERT!!] once again control their own destiny.

Labels: Bruce Bowen, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan

Did Bruce Bowen really mean to knee Steve Nash in his fleshy man parts? Of course he did.


Did Steve Nash really mean to execute a "Smash of the Seven Assasins" on Kobe's fandangled mandangler? I certainly hope so.


Extra: Bowen has also been pulling off his infamous "foot defense" during these playoffs...

Labels: Bruce Bowen, kickball, Kobe Bryant, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash