Larry Bird isn't just one of the greatest basketball players to ever squeeze into a pair of short-shorts (looking like a huge tube of white dough in the process). He's also responsible for some of the best basketball-themes commercials in this universe or any other.
And I'm not referring to that commercial where he played HORSE with Michael Jordan, or even the follow-up with Charles Barkley. Those were all hype. No, I'm talking about the ones where he taught us what to eat, how to dress, and what it means to be...a hero.
7. Larry Bird and Friends versus Converse Shoes: I hope whoever came up with the concept for this commercial got buried so deeply in money and supermodels that he still hasn't been able to dig his way out.
6. Larry Bird versus Heart Disease: Try not to get too emotional as you watch Larry use his legendary acting skills to benefit the American Heart Association. I'm surprised this commercial didn't go back in time and cure every case of heart disease that ever happened.
5. Larry Bird versus Lays Potato Chips: This commercial co-starred Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and introduced us to the horror of Larry's bald head.
4. Larry Bird versus the NBA Catalog: This commerical will transport you into the magical past when NBA fans had no other choice but to send $1 through snail-mail for the chance to buy butt-ugly basketball-themes sweaters.
The sad part is, the NBA made a similar commercial that was ruined by Rick Barry's shoddy acting. This is the NBA catalog commercial equivalent of Marlon Brando (Bird) having to act alongside the guy who played Stifler in the American Pie movies (Barry).
3. Larry Bird versus A Good Meal: Have you ever dreamed of going out to dinner with a legendary basketball player and his almost equally legendary team? If so, this commerical will change your mind.
2. Larry Bird versus a Nasty-ass Hamburger: The fact that Larry became so awesome despite eating habits that are best described as "frightening" or "Jesus Christ what is he putting in his mouth?!" may be his greatest achievement ever.
1. Larry Bird versus the Hip-huggers: The best of Larry's commercials also doubles as the most bizarre. Plus, it's so 80s that just watching it will probably feather your hair and cover your shoelaces in friendship pins.
Honorable mention -- Larry and Magic versus Age: Yes, this commercial gave me chills the first time I saw it. But I could have done without seeing what Larry has transformed into. Did somebody dunk his head in toxic waste or something? Couldn't the NBA have gotten George Lucas to CGI this one?
And I'm not referring to that commercial where he played HORSE with Michael Jordan, or even the follow-up with Charles Barkley. Those were all hype. No, I'm talking about the ones where he taught us what to eat, how to dress, and what it means to be...a hero.
7. Larry Bird and Friends versus Converse Shoes: I hope whoever came up with the concept for this commercial got buried so deeply in money and supermodels that he still hasn't been able to dig his way out.
6. Larry Bird versus Heart Disease: Try not to get too emotional as you watch Larry use his legendary acting skills to benefit the American Heart Association. I'm surprised this commercial didn't go back in time and cure every case of heart disease that ever happened.
5. Larry Bird versus Lays Potato Chips: This commercial co-starred Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and introduced us to the horror of Larry's bald head.
4. Larry Bird versus the NBA Catalog: This commerical will transport you into the magical past when NBA fans had no other choice but to send $1 through snail-mail for the chance to buy butt-ugly basketball-themes sweaters.
The sad part is, the NBA made a similar commercial that was ruined by Rick Barry's shoddy acting. This is the NBA catalog commercial equivalent of Marlon Brando (Bird) having to act alongside the guy who played Stifler in the American Pie movies (Barry).
3. Larry Bird versus A Good Meal: Have you ever dreamed of going out to dinner with a legendary basketball player and his almost equally legendary team? If so, this commerical will change your mind.
2. Larry Bird versus a Nasty-ass Hamburger: The fact that Larry became so awesome despite eating habits that are best described as "frightening" or "Jesus Christ what is he putting in his mouth?!" may be his greatest achievement ever.
1. Larry Bird versus the Hip-huggers: The best of Larry's commercials also doubles as the most bizarre. Plus, it's so 80s that just watching it will probably feather your hair and cover your shoelaces in friendship pins.
Honorable mention -- Larry and Magic versus Age: Yes, this commercial gave me chills the first time I saw it. But I could have done without seeing what Larry has transformed into. Did somebody dunk his head in toxic waste or something? Couldn't the NBA have gotten George Lucas to CGI this one?
Labels: commercials, Larry Bird
Watching Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh win the Gold Medal in women's beach volleyball last night reminded me of this old Kevin Garnett/Brandi Chastain commercial. Yeah, I know it had nothing to do with the Olympics -- Chastain famously exposed herself during the 1999 Women's World Cup, not the 2000 Summer Games -- but what the heck. It's still funny and well worth another viewing.
In this ESPN interview, Mary Buckheit asked Chastain "Who won your foosball game with Kevin Garnett?" Chastain said: "I whupped him! I beat him so badly, he was really down about it. He told me if I was a guy he would have thrown the whole table right over. He had to get himself a table of his own so he could start practicing."
Huh. I wonder whether KG ever got a rematch.
In this ESPN interview, Mary Buckheit asked Chastain "Who won your foosball game with Kevin Garnett?" Chastain said: "I whupped him! I beat him so badly, he was really down about it. He told me if I was a guy he would have thrown the whole table right over. He had to get himself a table of his own so he could start practicing."
Huh. I wonder whether KG ever got a rematch.
Labels: Brandi Chastain, commercials, Kevin Garnett
Anybody remember this Yard Fitness commercial from a couple years back?
Playing Basketball Naked Has Advantages - The best video clips are here
I swear that I'm not trying to flagellate a dead horse here...but isn't it funny how this commercial was (as far as I can tell) almost universally hailed as hilarious while the Nike Hyperdunk ads were considered (by some) to be homophobic? Particularly since this commercial made an explicit point of showing both the naked guy's genitals/ass(though they were digitally obscured) and the corresponding disgust/fear/paranoia displayed by the other players.
Maybe the difference in perception comes from the fact that the Yard Fitness commercial was so clearly meant to be humorous while the Hyperdunk ads were shot in a faux dramatic style. Where, exactly, is the imaginary line that separates "funny" from "offensive"? Does anybody really know?
Me? I've always loved this commercial. And it certainly would be an interesting social experiment to show up to pickup ball and play naked...I wonder how the other players would actually react?
Playing Basketball Naked Has Advantages - The best video clips are here
I swear that I'm not trying to flagellate a dead horse here...but isn't it funny how this commercial was (as far as I can tell) almost universally hailed as hilarious while the Nike Hyperdunk ads were considered (by some) to be homophobic? Particularly since this commercial made an explicit point of showing both the naked guy's genitals/ass(though they were digitally obscured) and the corresponding disgust/fear/paranoia displayed by the other players.
Maybe the difference in perception comes from the fact that the Yard Fitness commercial was so clearly meant to be humorous while the Hyperdunk ads were shot in a faux dramatic style. Where, exactly, is the imaginary line that separates "funny" from "offensive"? Does anybody really know?
Me? I've always loved this commercial. And it certainly would be an interesting social experiment to show up to pickup ball and play naked...I wonder how the other players would actually react?
Labels: commercials, naked basketball
Trying to get young men and women to join the Army can be a tough sell, especially with an average salary of about $15K a year for new recruits. On the upside, you can earn fat cash for college for a mere three to five years of indentured servitude. Assuming that, you know, you don't get blown up in Iraq first.
Today's Army recruitment videos are dramatic and inspirational. In 1987 they were...a little silly and nonsensical. Take this one, which uses Magic Johnson as an example of "being all that you can be." While I can't argue that Magic did indeed get the absolute most out of his physical abilities, I'm not sure how the message "See how this talented athlete has become the best player in his sport and is making bags and bags of money?" was supposed to inspire anyone to earn poverty-level wages for the right to have scary old guys scream and spit all over you. But what do I know about military psychology? Besides, I bet those yummy field rations make it all worthwhile.
Random sidenote: Basketbawful reader Wormboy mentioned (and vehemently agreed with)another criticism leveled against Magic in the article I referenced in yesterday's post: "While imploring the kids to 'Make sure that you make the right decisions' and underscoring that remark with 'You know what's right from wrong,' the NBA legend never took ownership of his monumental mistake of contracting HIV. With this disease rampant in the black community, it seems only appropriate that Johnson's act include one measly mention of his poor decision-making."
Here's the thing, though: Magic's wide-ranging campaign against HIV has been well-chronicled. (Go to the I Stand With Magic site for more details.) He has spent a great deal of time since his fateful retirement announcement owning up to his mistake and speaking out about the dangers of HIV and AIDS. Realistically speaking, how long does Magic need to keep apologizing? Is he really responsible for bringing it up at each and every single speaking engagement he does? Really?
While I agree with the general sentiment -- that it is important to continue to inform and educate the black community (and all communities) about the threat HIV poses to the world -- I also think there is a time and place for it. And Magic has done it many times in many places, and continues to do so. So, in my opinion, that criticism was a trifle unfair.
Today's Army recruitment videos are dramatic and inspirational. In 1987 they were...a little silly and nonsensical. Take this one, which uses Magic Johnson as an example of "being all that you can be." While I can't argue that Magic did indeed get the absolute most out of his physical abilities, I'm not sure how the message "See how this talented athlete has become the best player in his sport and is making bags and bags of money?" was supposed to inspire anyone to earn poverty-level wages for the right to have scary old guys scream and spit all over you. But what do I know about military psychology? Besides, I bet those yummy field rations make it all worthwhile.
Random sidenote: Basketbawful reader Wormboy mentioned (and vehemently agreed with)another criticism leveled against Magic in the article I referenced in yesterday's post: "While imploring the kids to 'Make sure that you make the right decisions' and underscoring that remark with 'You know what's right from wrong,' the NBA legend never took ownership of his monumental mistake of contracting HIV. With this disease rampant in the black community, it seems only appropriate that Johnson's act include one measly mention of his poor decision-making."
Here's the thing, though: Magic's wide-ranging campaign against HIV has been well-chronicled. (Go to the I Stand With Magic site for more details.) He has spent a great deal of time since his fateful retirement announcement owning up to his mistake and speaking out about the dangers of HIV and AIDS. Realistically speaking, how long does Magic need to keep apologizing? Is he really responsible for bringing it up at each and every single speaking engagement he does? Really?
While I agree with the general sentiment -- that it is important to continue to inform and educate the black community (and all communities) about the threat HIV poses to the world -- I also think there is a time and place for it. And Magic has done it many times in many places, and continues to do so. So, in my opinion, that criticism was a trifle unfair.
Labels: commercials, Magic Johnson, United States Army
You've gotta love this Mountain Dew Code Red commercial sent in by Basketbawful reader AK Dave. It kind of reminds me of the time I blocked the hell out of a 10-year-old's layup attempt during a pickup game. From now on, I will refer to all merciless blocked shots against unsuspecting and/or inferior opponents as "Code Reds."
Labels: commercials, fan submissions, Mountain Dew
Even as Sam Presti prepares to select the fourth overall pick in tonight's NBA Draft, the battle wages on to determine whether the SuperSonics will be moving to Oklahoma City or staying put in Seattle. Anything can happen, but I personally think the Sonics are going to be seeing a lot less rain very shortly.
So I'd like to take a few minutes and harken back to everything the Seattle SuperSonics have given us over the years: Those back-to-back finals appearances, the 1979 league championship, that improbable run to the '87 Western Conference Finals, the most epic first round failure of all time (until the Mavericks trumped them last year), the follow-up failure, that NBA Finals appearance against the Bulls, the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, and an unforgettable cast of characters: Dale Ellis, Dennis Johnson, Detlef Schrempf, Gary Payton, Gus Williams, Jack Sikma, Lenny Wilkens, Nate McMillan, Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, Sam Perkins, Shawn Kemp, Spencer Haywood, Xavier McDaniel, and...
...Predrag Drobnjak?!
Yes, Predrag "the other Peja" Drobnjak. He was a Sonic for two largely forgettable seasons (2001-02 and 2002-03). And while his averages (about 8 PPG and 3 RPG) were nothing to write back to Montenegro about, he did make one lasting contribution to the franchise that may even surpass the extreme awesomeness of that '79 title: A series of commercials promoting the "Super Sonic Seat Sale."
Prepare for space bears, a cat named Jinkies, third-degree burns, a Brent Barry talking bobblehead, lines like "Don't probe my body," and the acting skillz of Jerome James. Originally posted at Fan IQ and With Leather (and maybe some other places I don't know about).
So I'd like to take a few minutes and harken back to everything the Seattle SuperSonics have given us over the years: Those back-to-back finals appearances, the 1979 league championship, that improbable run to the '87 Western Conference Finals, the most epic first round failure of all time (until the Mavericks trumped them last year), the follow-up failure, that NBA Finals appearance against the Bulls, the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, and an unforgettable cast of characters: Dale Ellis, Dennis Johnson, Detlef Schrempf, Gary Payton, Gus Williams, Jack Sikma, Lenny Wilkens, Nate McMillan, Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, Sam Perkins, Shawn Kemp, Spencer Haywood, Xavier McDaniel, and...
...Predrag Drobnjak?!
Yes, Predrag "the other Peja" Drobnjak. He was a Sonic for two largely forgettable seasons (2001-02 and 2002-03). And while his averages (about 8 PPG and 3 RPG) were nothing to write back to Montenegro about, he did make one lasting contribution to the franchise that may even surpass the extreme awesomeness of that '79 title: A series of commercials promoting the "Super Sonic Seat Sale."
Prepare for space bears, a cat named Jinkies, third-degree burns, a Brent Barry talking bobblehead, lines like "Don't probe my body," and the acting skillz of Jerome James. Originally posted at Fan IQ and With Leather (and maybe some other places I don't know about).
Labels: commercials, litigation, Predrag Drobnjak, Seattle Supersonics, space bears
That new Magic-and-Larry promo for the Lakers-Celtics Finals got me thinking about some of the great Magic Johnson commercials from the 80s and early 90s. Those ads did more than just brainwash us into mindless consumerism; they taught us things, too. Like the fact that spicy chicken can give you superpowers and diet soft drinks are best enjoyed while wearing a tuxedo.
The commercial Magic teaches some white kid how to hit a reverse layup and then does a magic trick.
The lesson: That it's possible, even for America's goofy white youth, to learn Magic Johnson's signature moves on the first try. Also, that all it takes is a towel and Magic's crotch to transform a basketball into a bottle of 7-up.
Update! Basketbawful reader Five Pound Bag has informed me that the goofy blond dude in Magic's 7-up commercial was actually Ann Meyers, one of the most notorious serial killers of...wait, sorry, that was Michael Meyers. Ann Meyers was one of the greatest female basketball players of all time. She was so good that she actually signed a contract with the Indiana Pacers in 1980 (seriously). So, you know, my bad. But you have to admit, she was very mannish in that video.
The commercial: Magic Johnson hangs out with some kids and tells them: "Don't foul out, say no to drugs."
The lesson: That -- with apologies to Josh Howard -- drugs are bad. Very, very bad. However, the subtext is that having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection isn't just okay, it's freaking awesome. (Right up until you contract a deadly STD, anyway.)
The commercial: Several people, including Magic Johnson, drink Diet Pepsi in what one presumes is their "natural environment."
The lesson: That anybody -- regardless of race, creed, or social standing -- can enjoy the cool, refreshing, calorie-free deliciousness of Diet Pepsi. Even if it does taste like ice-cold ass. Also, that Magic's "natural environment" is suspended from a backboard while wearing a tuxedo.
The commercial: Magic plays some pickup ball before rehydrating with some Slice.
The lesson: That Gatorade is for sissies (or it was in 1990). Nothing restores complex carbohydrates and electrolytes quite like a can of vaguely orange-flavored soda. Also, Magic isn't above using his basketball powers in petty, frivolous ways to amaze young children who barely recognize him.
The commercial: Magic Johnson selfishly eats an entire bucket of chicken at a pickup game. Then breaths fire.
The lesson: That running into Magic Johnson at a dreary, local gym is less exciting than the prospect of sharing greasy, deep-fried chunks of slaughtered farm animals with him. Additionally, pyrotechnics are the best way to get people to back the hell off when you're eating. Oh, and (as karma pointed out) black men like to play basketball and eat fried chicken...who knew?
The commercial Magic teaches some white kid how to hit a reverse layup and then does a magic trick.
The lesson: That it's possible, even for America's goofy white youth, to learn Magic Johnson's signature moves on the first try. Also, that all it takes is a towel and Magic's crotch to transform a basketball into a bottle of 7-up.
Update! Basketbawful reader Five Pound Bag has informed me that the goofy blond dude in Magic's 7-up commercial was actually Ann Meyers, one of the most notorious serial killers of...wait, sorry, that was Michael Meyers. Ann Meyers was one of the greatest female basketball players of all time. She was so good that she actually signed a contract with the Indiana Pacers in 1980 (seriously). So, you know, my bad. But you have to admit, she was very mannish in that video.
The commercial: Magic Johnson hangs out with some kids and tells them: "Don't foul out, say no to drugs."
The lesson: That -- with apologies to Josh Howard -- drugs are bad. Very, very bad. However, the subtext is that having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection isn't just okay, it's freaking awesome. (Right up until you contract a deadly STD, anyway.)
The commercial: Several people, including Magic Johnson, drink Diet Pepsi in what one presumes is their "natural environment."
The lesson: That anybody -- regardless of race, creed, or social standing -- can enjoy the cool, refreshing, calorie-free deliciousness of Diet Pepsi. Even if it does taste like ice-cold ass. Also, that Magic's "natural environment" is suspended from a backboard while wearing a tuxedo.
The commercial: Magic plays some pickup ball before rehydrating with some Slice.
The lesson: That Gatorade is for sissies (or it was in 1990). Nothing restores complex carbohydrates and electrolytes quite like a can of vaguely orange-flavored soda. Also, Magic isn't above using his basketball powers in petty, frivolous ways to amaze young children who barely recognize him.
The commercial: Magic Johnson selfishly eats an entire bucket of chicken at a pickup game. Then breaths fire.
The lesson: That running into Magic Johnson at a dreary, local gym is less exciting than the prospect of sharing greasy, deep-fried chunks of slaughtered farm animals with him. Additionally, pyrotechnics are the best way to get people to back the hell off when you're eating. Oh, and (as karma pointed out) black men like to play basketball and eat fried chicken...who knew?
Labels: commercials, lessons, Magic Johnson
Prepare for the kind of awesome that might very well blow an appendage right off your body. This old Sprite commercial was submitted by Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who said: "Speaking of awful commercials, I'd like to present my all-time favorite worst basketball commercial in which Kobe and Tim Duncan square off against each other with their posses for a rap-off, then Missy Elliot shows up to take over while Kobe and Tim play a game of one-on-one."
He is so not kidding. But I guess this is how you had to obey your thirst back in 1998.
He is so not kidding. But I guess this is how you had to obey your thirst back in 1998.
Labels: commercials, Kobe Bryant, Missy Elliot, rapping, Tim Duncan
Reggie Miller may not be able to speak, but he can read. Watch everybody's favorite color man garnish some attention by picking up a full steam of head in his amazing book adventures. (One question: What, exactly, was up with the rasberry beret? It's the kind you'd find at a second-hand store. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.)
Labels: commercials, mockery, Reggie Miller
I guess this must be the week for uncovering unintentionally hilarious Larry Bird commercials from the 80s. Check out this spot for the American Heart Association starring Larry Legend and the creepiest heart doctor you'll ever see. Who knew working on alternatives to bypass surgery could win you a place on Bird's pesonal All-Star Team.
And here I thought Larry hated doctors...
Random update: Here's an imaginary starting five for the Larry Bird honorary All-Stars: Creepy heart doctor guy, Kenny Rogers, the person who invented the bathroom door baby hanger, the man (and I know it was a man) who came up with the idea of equipping a car with a flamethrower, and this dude.
And here I thought Larry hated doctors...
Random update: Here's an imaginary starting five for the Larry Bird honorary All-Stars: Creepy heart doctor guy, Kenny Rogers, the person who invented the bathroom door baby hanger, the man (and I know it was a man) who came up with the idea of equipping a car with a flamethrower, and this dude.
Labels: commercials, Dr. J, Larry Bird, YouTube
You can tell Tim Duncan was really fired up for this commercial. And Manu? Well, all I can say is that if you were wondering what to get him for his next birthday, I'd go with balloons.
The Gunn people knew following up that commercial was going to be hard. I mean, what could be better and funnier than Manu Ginobili? Why, two Manu Ginobilis of course! This is the same theory that says that if one Leprechaun movie was good, six Leprechaun movies would be Princess Leia in the gold bikini good!
Oh, and apparently, Manu likes brisket too. Enough to bring a little beef to the team huddle. And no, that wasn't a double entendre.
Also, did you know that Manu has a creepy puppet? Well, he does.
Lastly, how about a little mouth harp from Manu? Now that Heath Ledger has tragically passed away, I think we've found his replacement for Brokeback Mountain II.
The Gunn people knew following up that commercial was going to be hard. I mean, what could be better and funnier than Manu Ginobili? Why, two Manu Ginobilis of course! This is the same theory that says that if one Leprechaun movie was good, six Leprechaun movies would be Princess Leia in the gold bikini good!
Oh, and apparently, Manu likes brisket too. Enough to bring a little beef to the team huddle. And no, that wasn't a double entendre.
Also, did you know that Manu has a creepy puppet? Well, he does.
Lastly, how about a little mouth harp from Manu? Now that Heath Ledger has tragically passed away, I think we've found his replacement for Brokeback Mountain II.
Labels: commercials, Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan
For years, basketball experts and fans have wondered why Dominique Wilkins and Patrick Ewing never won an NBA championship. Were they too selfish? Did they choke under pressure? Or was it simply a case of better teams (Celtics, Pistons, Bulls, et al.) and better players (Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, et al.) standing in their way?
This commercial suggests that 'Nique and Ewing were simply too concerned with getting the last can of Minute Maid. It also proves, yet again, that Isiah Thomas is a dick.
This commercial suggests that 'Nique and Ewing were simply too concerned with getting the last can of Minute Maid. It also proves, yet again, that Isiah Thomas is a dick.
Labels: commercials, Dominque Wilkins, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale Patrick Ewing, Minute Maid, soda
I'm currently writing an impassioned plea to the Suns to stop sucking -- and yes, a 24-10 team can and does suck -- but in the meantime, here's a brief Worst of the Night post with a little something extra: What is possibly the worst and most bizarre Larry Bird commercial of all time (as previously discovered by Matt Watson of the AOL Fanhouse).
This commercial was apparently shot in 1982. Nothing really made sense back then: Parachute pants, friendship pins, wacky wallcrawlers, jelly shoes, the fact that men actually wanted to see Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini. But even stranger than any of those things is the fact that Larry Joe Bird, the Hick from French Lick, endorsed French designer jeans. Anybody who knows anything about Larry Bird knows that the only "designer" jeans he would have worn in the 80s would have been a pair of Wranglers. Maybe.
I also found it exceedingly strange that Bird barely even appears in the commercial. Now, I'm not a French designer jean commercial expert, but I do know this: If I'm paying money to film a commercial starring Larry Bird, that commercial is actually going to star Larry Bird. After watching it 20 times or so, I'm not convinced Larry even realized he was in a commercial. He was probably just hanging out at the local arcade in his French designer jeans, playing with his basketball and watching girls ride around on their roller skates...you know, just like everybody else in the 80s was doing. The commercial just kind of got shot around him. Seriously. I have to believe that.
Worst of the Night
Denver Nuggets Defense: The Nuggets are, amazingly, the eighth best team in the league in field goal percentage allowed (44.4). That fact is even harder to believe after the way the Suns shot against them last night (53.8). The Suns scored 46 points in the first quarter en route to a 137-points sandblasting of the hapless Nuggets. I'm not a mathematalogist -- in fact, I still count on my fingers -- but even I know you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.
Boris Diaw: On a night in which it seemed like every single Suns player had it going, Diaw still sucked, scoring 4 points (on 2-for-8 shooting) and almost fouling out. Seriously, someone needs to go to Diaw's house and check his basement for body snatcher pods.
San Antonio Spurs defense: The Spurs are the third-best team in the league in terms of PPG allowed (92.5), yet last night they surrendered 130 points to the Warriors. Sure, it was an overtime game, but the Warriors still had 112 points by the end of regulation. As I might have mentioned before, you don't win many games by giving up 130 points.
Fun fact: This kind of shocked me, but the Spurs are only 21st in the league in field goal percentage defense (45.7), which is barely better than the Heat (45.8) and Warriors (also 45.8). The fact that they're one of the best teams in PPG allowed but one of the worst teams in FGP allowed tells you pretty much all you need to know about the pace of their games.
Bruce Bowen: Great players always want to redeem themselves after bad games. Embarrassed by his 1-for-8 shooting performance against the Clippers, Bowen came back to shoot 2-for-8 against the Warriors. Way to turn it around, Bruce!
Robert Horry: Unless my eyes decieve me, the Spurs started him at center last night. He played 13 minutes, shot 0-for-1, and committed one turnover for each point he scored (3).
Tim Duncan: Yeah, he had 32 points, 13 rebounds, and 3 assists, but he had the game-worst +/- score of -13. Are the Spurs better without Tim Duncan?? Ha, ha, okay, I'm kidding. But seriously, I don't get this +/- thingie.
Matt Barnes: It's never a good sign when you have a career year but your team only wants to sign you to a one-year contract. That's what happened with Barnes this summer, and it's starting to look like the Warriors knew what they were doing. His numbers are down in scoring (9.8 to 7.3), shooting percentage (43.8 to 38.5), three-point percentage (36.6 to 32.7), and freethrow percentage (73.2 to 68.6). Meanwhile, all his other number are about the same. Basically, that one-year contract was the Warriors way of saying, "Prove it," and Barnes isn't. His line against the Spurs last night: Zero points (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in eight minutes of playing time.
Austin Croshere: He hasn't played since scoring a season-high 12 points on December 16th.
Labels: Austin Croshere, Boris Diaw, Bruce Bowen, commercials, Denver Nuggets, Larry Bird, Matt Barnes, Robert Horry, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night
Pau Gasol and tennis star Rafael Nadal would do anything for a TIME FORCE concept wristwatch. And I do mean anything. Would they whack each other in the face with their (tennis and basket) balls? Yes. Would they compete (and lose) in a tricycle race with a chihuahua? Double yes. Would they allow themselves to be terrorized by a rampaging sumo warrior? Oh, hell yes.
These commercials may be in Spanish or whatever, but they're still hilariously worth watching. If you absolutely need words to enjoy them, just imagine the dialogue from any episode of Three's Company. Anyway, Gasol's facial expressions are truly classic. He's like the Spanish Jim Carrey.
Note: Gasol is the 25th highest paid player in the NBA this season ($13,709,375) and Nadal is currently the number two tennis player in the world, but they apparently have summer jobs as bartenders at some Spanish beach. Who knew?
These commercials may be in Spanish or whatever, but they're still hilariously worth watching. If you absolutely need words to enjoy them, just imagine the dialogue from any episode of Three's Company. Anyway, Gasol's facial expressions are truly classic. He's like the Spanish Jim Carrey.
Note: Gasol is the 25th highest paid player in the NBA this season ($13,709,375) and Nadal is currently the number two tennis player in the world, but they apparently have summer jobs as bartenders at some Spanish beach. Who knew?
Labels: celebrity endorsements, commercials, Pau Gasol, Rafael Nadal, wristwatches
Hey, The Big Guy didn't just give the Celtics two future hall of famers for a bunch of crap and Al Jefferson. The Almighty One is also using the weather to abuse the fans of opposing teams. Man, that's superdickery on a grand and cosmic scale. I mean, as if Nets and Knicks fans hadn't already suffered enough...
As for this one...well, I don't know if it's for real, but I like it.
As for this one...well, I don't know if it's for real, but I like it.
Labels: Boston Celtics, commercials, God, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks
I learned 97 percent of what I know from the feral wolves that raised me. The other three percent I learned from Internet porn and the Nike Fun Police commercials. Despite the fact that they starred a group of professional basketball players with a combined contractual worth of over $200 million, the Fun Police taught me that life isn't about fame, fortune, or gaudy statistics. It's about living life the right way. It's about the team over ego. And, most importantly, it's about cuddling.
Fortunately, some of the Fun Police commercials have made to YouTube. Unfortunately, the best of the group has not (so far). It's the one where the Fun Police interrogate a fat white kid who won't pass to his teammates. Someone (I believe Damon Stoudemire) inspects the kid's ball with infrared goggles and determines that "There's only one set of prints on this ball" while Gary Payton just keeps saying, "C'mon, dawg...pass the ball...pass the ball!" Then someone else (Jason Kidd?) cries "Look!" and opens a closet door to reveal hundreds of basketballs. Great stuff.
These are the Fun Police commercials I was able to find. In this one, Kevin Garnett, Tim Hardaway, and Alonzo Mourning force a rich white couple to sit in the nosebleed section so a group of black teens can have their courtside seats. But don't get the wrong impression. This isn't about race relations. This is about fun. (And apparently getting one up on Whitey is how NBA players have their fun.)
Here, Damon Stoudemire, Gary Payton, and Jason Kidd discuss what is and isn't fun at a laundromat. No look passes? Fun. You get the idea. Kidd's final suggestion draws a little hairy eyeball from Stoudemire and Payton, but honestly, what did they expect? They're a group of grown men wearing matching black turtlenecks and slacks, and they're hanging out at a local laundromat in the middle of the night. Cuddling is the least I would have expected in that situation.
This last one shows Kevin Garnett menacing former teammate Cherokee Parks about the length of his shorts (two-and-a-half inches above the kneecaps, I believe). The video doesn't have any sound, but that makes it funnier somehow, especially at the end when Parks points an accusing finger at Tom Gugliotta and Googs almost kills him. In the closing shot, Parks looks like a guy who just got put in jail for tax fraud and has to share a cell with a couple guys nicknamed "Velvet Anvil" and "Bluto the Ass Blaster."
Fortunately, some of the Fun Police commercials have made to YouTube. Unfortunately, the best of the group has not (so far). It's the one where the Fun Police interrogate a fat white kid who won't pass to his teammates. Someone (I believe Damon Stoudemire) inspects the kid's ball with infrared goggles and determines that "There's only one set of prints on this ball" while Gary Payton just keeps saying, "C'mon, dawg...pass the ball...pass the ball!" Then someone else (Jason Kidd?) cries "Look!" and opens a closet door to reveal hundreds of basketballs. Great stuff.
These are the Fun Police commercials I was able to find. In this one, Kevin Garnett, Tim Hardaway, and Alonzo Mourning force a rich white couple to sit in the nosebleed section so a group of black teens can have their courtside seats. But don't get the wrong impression. This isn't about race relations. This is about fun. (And apparently getting one up on Whitey is how NBA players have their fun.)
Here, Damon Stoudemire, Gary Payton, and Jason Kidd discuss what is and isn't fun at a laundromat. No look passes? Fun. You get the idea. Kidd's final suggestion draws a little hairy eyeball from Stoudemire and Payton, but honestly, what did they expect? They're a group of grown men wearing matching black turtlenecks and slacks, and they're hanging out at a local laundromat in the middle of the night. Cuddling is the least I would have expected in that situation.
This last one shows Kevin Garnett menacing former teammate Cherokee Parks about the length of his shorts (two-and-a-half inches above the kneecaps, I believe). The video doesn't have any sound, but that makes it funnier somehow, especially at the end when Parks points an accusing finger at Tom Gugliotta and Googs almost kills him. In the closing shot, Parks looks like a guy who just got put in jail for tax fraud and has to share a cell with a couple guys nicknamed "Velvet Anvil" and "Bluto the Ass Blaster."
Labels: Alonzo Mourning, Cherokee Parks, commercials, Damon Stoudemire, Fun Police, Gary Payton, Jason Kidd, Kevin Garnett, Nike, Tim Hardaway, Tom Gugliotta
Remember earlier when Isiah was "looking forward" to taking the stand to debunk the "pretty wildly fabricated" sexual harassment allegations levied against him? What ever happened with that?
Well, A New York jury has declared that Anucha Browne Sanders is not a B-word, regardless of what Isiah Thomas says, forcing the Madison Square Garden owners to pay to the tune of $11 million dollars in punitive damages. But, according to Zeke's not-so-smug-anymore press conference, things went differently. Very differently. Didn't he get the memo?
In our fine tradition of (pretty wildly) kicking people when they're down (very down), check out this list of Isiah's wrongest wrongs during his Knick days. That list seems long. Has it only been four years? Ugh.
Well, A New York jury has declared that Anucha Browne Sanders is not a B-word, regardless of what Isiah Thomas says, forcing the Madison Square Garden owners to pay to the tune of $11 million dollars in punitive damages. But, according to Zeke's not-so-smug-anymore press conference, things went differently. Very differently. Didn't he get the memo?
In our fine tradition of (pretty wildly) kicking people when they're down (very down), check out this list of Isiah's wrongest wrongs during his Knick days. That list seems long. Has it only been four years? Ugh.
Labels: commercials, Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks
Check out this commercial starring the 1986-87 Boston Celtics. They get so excited over their dinner that they actually perform the wave. Priceless stuff. By the way: nice shirt, Larry.
Note: The sound isn't very good, so you might need to turn up the volume.
Note: The sound isn't very good, so you might need to turn up the volume.
Labels: Boston Celtics, commercials, Larry Bird
Remember those awesome "Nothin' But Net" commercials where Larry Bird and Michael Jordan played HORSE for a Big Mac? Of course you do, but here's a reminder anyway...
McDonald's is in negotiations to remake the commercial, only with current stars Dwyane Wade and Lebron James instead of Larry and Michael. "The idea is to contemporize 'Nothin' but Net' to 2007 and make it relevant for the two best players in the NBA today and fit their personalities and relationship," said Bill Lamar, chief marketing officer for McDonald's USA.
The two best players in the NBA? That's an interesting statement, considering that neither of them are being seriously considered for this year's MVP award. And, given his string of 50-point games this season, I'd say Kobe is a step or two ahead of them in the "best player" race. Maybe what Lamar should have said is the two most marketable players in the NBA today. Because they aren't the best players (although they're at least in the discussion), or even the best shooters (and not even close on that count). I'd be much more interested in seeing a HORSE shootout between Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki (the MVP frontrunners and 50+ percent shooters), or even Nash and Kobe, whose relative values are continuously debated by NBA fans and analysts.
But instead, we'll be forced to watch two players with clunky, inconsistent jumpers both shooting and (probably) swishing one ridiculous shot after another, even though we all really know they can't shoot that well. Bird, obviously, always had a fantastic outside shot, and by 1993 Jordan had transformed himself into one of the best shooters in the game (inside the arc, anyway), so the original commercials kind of made sense. The new one (as proposed) doesn't, except from a marketing standpoint. So while the goal is to capture the spirit of the original commercial, they really won't be able to with the players they've chosen.
McDonald's is in negotiations to remake the commercial, only with current stars Dwyane Wade and Lebron James instead of Larry and Michael. "The idea is to contemporize 'Nothin' but Net' to 2007 and make it relevant for the two best players in the NBA today and fit their personalities and relationship," said Bill Lamar, chief marketing officer for McDonald's USA.
The two best players in the NBA? That's an interesting statement, considering that neither of them are being seriously considered for this year's MVP award. And, given his string of 50-point games this season, I'd say Kobe is a step or two ahead of them in the "best player" race. Maybe what Lamar should have said is the two most marketable players in the NBA today. Because they aren't the best players (although they're at least in the discussion), or even the best shooters (and not even close on that count). I'd be much more interested in seeing a HORSE shootout between Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki (the MVP frontrunners and 50+ percent shooters), or even Nash and Kobe, whose relative values are continuously debated by NBA fans and analysts.
But instead, we'll be forced to watch two players with clunky, inconsistent jumpers both shooting and (probably) swishing one ridiculous shot after another, even though we all really know they can't shoot that well. Bird, obviously, always had a fantastic outside shot, and by 1993 Jordan had transformed himself into one of the best shooters in the game (inside the arc, anyway), so the original commercials kind of made sense. The new one (as proposed) doesn't, except from a marketing standpoint. So while the goal is to capture the spirit of the original commercial, they really won't be able to with the players they've chosen.
Labels: commercials, Dwyane Wade, Larry Bird, Lebron James, McDonald's, Michael Jordan
Dig this crazy 1974 commerical for Bradlees, a now-defunct department store chain that was popular in New England during the 1970's. It features John Havlicek, Dave Cowens, and Don Nelson (not Don Nelson the pasty, bloated coach; this was Don Nelson the pasty, bloated player). The commercial was narrated by the late Celtics broadcaster Johnny Most, before his voice had been reduced to a hoarse, croaking whisper by years of drinking coffee drinking, smoking cigarettes, and gargling with broken glass.
For some reason this commercial is broken into two parts. In part one we learn that Don Nelson cannot handle his balls.
In part two, an angry Nelson returns a defective basketball. Strangely, he doesn't notice that the customer service representative is none other than his teammate, Dave Cowens, who was probably working at Bradlees part-time because Red Auerbach was cheap*. At the end of the commercial, the three Celtics commit a blatant act of petty larceny by walking through the checkout lanes without paying for their merchandise. They follow this up by committing an even more blatant act of cheese by shooting a ball into a shopping cart.
*Actually, Cowens' salary in 1974 was around $161,000 (which, believe it or not, was a lot of money back then). And while I'm pretty sure he never worked at Bradlees, he did spend a day working as a cab driver and once took two months off from playing basketball during the 1976-77 season to sell Christmas trees on the family farm. Interestingly enough, Cowens' behavior isn't too different from Ron Artest, who once applied to work at Best Buy and later asked the Pacers for a couple months off to promote his rap album. But if Artest took December off to sell Christmas trees, journalists and bloggers all over the country would go absolutely apeshit.
For some reason this commercial is broken into two parts. In part one we learn that Don Nelson cannot handle his balls.
In part two, an angry Nelson returns a defective basketball. Strangely, he doesn't notice that the customer service representative is none other than his teammate, Dave Cowens, who was probably working at Bradlees part-time because Red Auerbach was cheap*. At the end of the commercial, the three Celtics commit a blatant act of petty larceny by walking through the checkout lanes without paying for their merchandise. They follow this up by committing an even more blatant act of cheese by shooting a ball into a shopping cart.
*Actually, Cowens' salary in 1974 was around $161,000 (which, believe it or not, was a lot of money back then). And while I'm pretty sure he never worked at Bradlees, he did spend a day working as a cab driver and once took two months off from playing basketball during the 1976-77 season to sell Christmas trees on the family farm. Interestingly enough, Cowens' behavior isn't too different from Ron Artest, who once applied to work at Best Buy and later asked the Pacers for a couple months off to promote his rap album. But if Artest took December off to sell Christmas trees, journalists and bloggers all over the country would go absolutely apeshit.
Labels: Boston Celtics, Bradlees, commercials, Dave Cowens, Don Nelson, John Havlicek, Red Auerbach, Ron Artest
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