Editor's Note: Originally, I was going to publish a single entry listing the players I hate most. However, I apparently can't write anything short, so it's going to be a series of posts.

As most of you already know, there are plenty of reasons to hate Isiah Thomas, from his one-man decimation of the CBA to how he mismanaged the Knicks into a hilarious running joke.

Oh, wait, that last feat almost made me like him again.

Still, my enmity for the so-called "Baby Faced Assassin" goes all the way back to May 30, 1987 when, after the Celtics had eliminated the Pistons in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, Isiah responded to rookie teammate Dennis Rodman's claim that Larry Bird was overrated because of his skin color by uttering the following very unfortunate statement:

"I think Larry is a very, very good basketball player. An exceptional talent, but I have to agree with Rodman. If he were black, he'd be just another good guy."

His dumbass statement ignited an instant firestorm. As dumbass statements often do.

Now, looking back, the adult me can understand why Isiah jammed a sweaty foot in his mouth and proceeded to choke on it. After all, his team had just lost to a hated rival in a brutal playoff series during which a teammate was punched in full view of an official without the offending player getting ejected or even called for a foul, and he himself had probably cost his team the series by throwing one of the most ill-advised inbounds passes of all time.

I can feel the crackling frustration even through the mists of time.

That said, 12-year-old me wasn't nearly as forgiving. As far as I was concerned, Isiah had committed an unforgivable blasphemy. To the adolescent me, Larry Bird was the Basketball God. And nobody takes a whiz on Basketball God without an instant and immediate death by lightning strike. Nobody.

Of course, Isiah didn't help matters by not just saying, "I was frustrated and made a verbal poop," and leaving it at that. He claimed the remark was made "sarcastically and humorously."

Said Isiah: "In print, you don't get the laughter. In print, you don't get the sarcasm. In print, you get what you get."

In print you don't get the laughter. Or complete double rainbows. You only get pure, unfiltered, undiluted honesty (read that: idiocy).

"My mistake was in joking in a manner and with someone who did not fully understand that I was joking. I'm really hurting about this."

Poor Isiah. Sad face for him, everybody.

Zeke's comments were so clearly bullshit that he then went on to make a clumsy commentary on racism and stereotypes in sports:

"The big controversy isn't about my saying professional athletes are stereotyped. The controversy is that I said Larry Bird, if he was black, would be just another good guy. But I think you would all agree that the stereotypes do exist.

"Larry definitely had to work hard to get where he is at, but so many times it's been said about black athletes that their talent is 'God-given' or that it's 'natural ability.' I had to work just as hard to get where I am. It's not God-given or instinctive. Basketball is a game where you do things over and over again. When someone makes a great play it's not a matter of instinct, but how quickly you can recall."

If only he had stopped there. But, of course, he didn't:

"What I was referring to was not so much Larry Bird, but the perception of stereotypes about blacks. When Bird makes a great play, it's due to his thinking, and his work habits. It's all planned out by him. It's not the case for blacks. All we do is run and jump. We never practice or give a thought to how we play. Magic and Michael Jordan and me, for example, we're playing only on God-given talent, like we're animals, lions and tigers, who run around wild in the jungle, while Larry's success is due to intelligence and hard work."

Lions and tigers. Running wild in the jungle. Rawr.

Isiah still wasn't finished:

"Blacks have been fighting that stereotype about playing on pure instinct for so long, and basically it still exists -- regardless of whether people want to believe it or not. Maybe I was more sensitive to it because Boston has more white players than any other pro team, and maybe because it's so hard to win in Boston Garden. I feel that it's not so much the fouls the referees call there, but the ones they don't call.

"Like the punches that Parish hit Laimbeer with. I guarantee you that if it was in Atlanta, and Tree Rollins did that to Laimbeer, Rollins is thrown out of the game so fast you wouldn't believe it."

So the Celtics had too many whites and therefore Parish, a black player, was allowed to pummel Laimbeer, a white player, with no penalty. Such was the amazing Bizarro logic of Isiah Thomas.

Hey, again, adult me can understand what he was getting at. But 12-year-old me -- and most people following basketball at the time -- construed Isiah's comments as whining at best and racist (or reverse racist) at worst. Beaten by a better team, unable to go down with dignity and respect, he blindly attacked a man who was, at the time, considered the best and most beloved player in the league. Then flopped all over himself trying to talk his way out of it.

Somewhat ironically, Bird himself could have cared less about Isiah's comments. To help diffuse the situation, Bird appeared with Isiah at a press conference and basically gave the press a big "whatever."

Said Bird: "If what he said doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother anybody. He's my friend and if he said he was joking around, I believe him."

Even after Larry's presidential-style pardon, Isiah couldn't stop whining:

"It was definitely one of the worst days of my life. I lost a game, was accused of being a racist and I'm a bad guy now."

That woe-is-me, it's-not-my-fault attitude has followed Isiah the rest of his life. Mismanage the Raptors? Not my fault. Destroy the CBA? Not my fault. Fired as coach of the Pacers? Larry was getting back at me. Accused of sexual harassment? Not guilty. Mismanage the Knicks into NBA oblivion? I actually did a pretty good job there. Accidental drug overdose? It was my daughter.

The saddest (or, depending on your outlook, funniest) part of all this? Isiah is still taking swipes at Larry all these years later:

"I have no problem saying this at all. [Larry and Magic were] 6-(feet)-9 and Jordan was 6-6 and a half. If they were all 6-1, it wouldn't even be a question. They wouldn't even fucking rate. If they were all my size, shit, they wouldn't even be talked about.

"I beat the shit out of them when they were that big. If we were all the same size, fuck. Make them 6-1 and let's go on the court."

It's actually the ultimate irony that, decades after complaining the accomplishments of black athletes were overlooked due to their physical attributes, Isiah completely minimized Bird's (not to mention Magic's and MJ's) accomplishments...because of their physical attributes.

And that's why I hate the guy.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Players I Hate

"Can you believe how much I'm paying your teammates not to play?"
With all the poor play and questionable officiating in the playoffs, it's easy to forget about the bawful nature of the rest of the NBA right now. However, I need a break from the Celtics doing their best to rip out my heart and drive over it with a truck that has snow chains on its tires. So why not take a look back at one of the greatest sources of bawful comedy in recent memory?

It goes without saying that Isiah Thomas was an absolute joke during his time as president of the New York Knicks. He spent money and got nothing in return to show for it. He presided over the worst possession in basketball history. He was involved in a ridiculous sexual harrassment lawsuit. He had "an accidental overdose of a prescription sleeping pill." The list goes on and on.

However, do you truly understand just how spectacularly bawful his leadership was? This story is required reading for anyone who would ever go to this website. (h/t Jonah Keri for the link). The man wasted so much money, I'm willing to believe he was trying to recreate the movie Brewster's Millions. Let's break it down:

Isiah Thomas' fiscal irresponsibility became so extreme during his time as Knicks president from 2003-08 that he paid $120 million for a total of 82 games played. [The seven players responsible for that sum] averaged 10.6 points per game over the combined 82-game span.

Well, when you put it in those terms, it almost seems like an investment (even if a horrible Enron-ish one). His players actually scored some points! However...

Isiah Thomas effectively lit $50.6 million on fire by paying Jerome Williams, Maurice Taylor, Dan Dickau and Stephon Marbury for seasons in which they did not play for the Knicks.

Devastating. (And that list doesn't even include Jerome freaking James!)

Perhaps the worst part of the entire situation lies in the fact that Zeke did not actually initiate any of these contracts. No, some other sucker general manager in the Association decided it was a good idea to, for example, give Jerome Williams a salary cap crippling seven year, $41 million contract. (And you wonder how we got into financial crisis. The subprime mortage stuff is all just a front! NBA front offices did it!!) However, Thomas was more than willing to graciously give the Bulls a mulligan and instead saddle his own team with this unfathomable debt simply to get one Jamal Crawford. Yes, they eventually waived Williams, but the Knicks were still on the hook for $21 million over three years (Hey, it's only half of the entire contract! A bargain!)

And I haven't even brought up Eddy Curry, or drafting Renaldo Balkman one spot ahead of Rajon Rondo, or trading away countless other draft picks...

(Speaking of Balkman-over-Rondo, here's a fantastic line from Pat Forde's article I linked to in yesterday's BAD post:

By that point, Ainge wasn't capable of exhaling. He had arranged for his old team, the Phoenix Suns, to draft Rondo if Rondo was still there when the Suns were to pick at No. 21. He and the Celtics were sure that the Knicks' boss, Isiah Thomas, would ruin everything and draft Rondo at No. 20. But Thomas, himself a point guard, elected to go with Renaldo Balkman at No. 20.

This should surprise none of you.)

Are we cherry-picking some of the worst things possible and ignoring any good things Zeke did during his tenure? (Not that this is a hard thing to do... Zing!) Sure. But facts are facts, regardless of the circumstances. Isiah Thomas, we miss you and your reign of terror and failure at the New York Knicks, but at least your legacy will live on forever. Or at least until Donnie Walsh gets done cleaning up your mess and getting rid of the last of your horrific contracts.

Labels: Eddy Curry, Isiah Thomas, legendary failure, New York Knicks

Clearly this was not what Stephen Jackson had in mind whenhe said he was "made for the playoffs and championships."
Allen Iverson: Three games. The Allen Iverson Experiment in Memphis lasted only three games before Iverson left the team for "personal reasons," which probably had as much to do with him coming off the bench as anything else. Now the Grizzlies have cut The Not Answer loose. Ironically, the team's acquisition of Jamaal Tinsley -- whom the Indiana Pacers had spent the better part of the last two seasons paying millions of dollars to just stay away -- sealed Iverson's fate. According to Memphis GM Chris Wallace: "Because of personal matters that forced him to leave the team on November 7, Allen will step away from the game at this time, allowing him to focus on those matters. As a result, we will be ending our contractual agreement with Allen, which will allow both parties to move forward. We wish Allen the best."

Iverson never even played a game on the Grizzlies' home court.

It was a doomed marriage to begin with. Iverson seems to truly believe he's still a superstar who deserves carte blanch...which means a starting role and 20-25 shots per game. The Grizzlies, meanwhile, are building around young players like Rudy Gay, O.J. Mayo, Hasheem Thabeet and DeMarre Carroll. For better or worse, those players are the future in Memphis. Iverson, on the other hand, was a stop gap at best. And besides, he had no real interest in playing for a celler dweller like the Grizzlies. They were simply the only team willing to sign him, and he was trying to reboot his career in the hopes of maybe hooking up with a contender once he'd proved himself again. Well...REBOOT FAIL.

Iverson clearly doesn't feel like he should have to prove himself at all. He looks in the mirror and sees a four-time scoring champion, 10-time All-Star and former MVP who recently became only the 16th player in NBA history to score 24,000 points. On paper, he looks like a real catch. Kind of like Paris Hilton. But in reality, he's a flawed, inefficient player with a me-first attitude. Well, maybe me-first is the wrong way to put it. He wants to win, truly desires team success, but only on his own terms. Wait...I guess me-first was the right way to put it after all.

A few years ago, Iverson and Kevin Garnett were two of the great "what if" players in NBA history, and perhaps the two greatest of the last decade. Everyone always wondered: "What if AI and KG had quality teammates? What would happen then?"

Well, we found out, didn't we? Garnett, once he was paired with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, steamrolled to a championship. Meanwhile, Iverson failed to lift the Nuggets (who improved immensely when he was exchanged for Chauncey Billups) and then completely bombed in Detroit (and there's no question that the Pistons were and are better off without him). And now his three-game stint in Memphis has further stained the reputation of someone who, until recently, was often talked about as one of the all-time greats.

Personally, I never quite understood that. In the end, was Iverson effectively any greater than, say, Dominique Wilkins or Pistol Pete Maravich? Those three players were all brilliant showmen, high-powered scorers, outstanding on an individual basis. They all could have won a lot of tropies if the NBA was a one-on-one league in which games were played to 11 by 1s aned 2s. But it's not. It's a team sport. And Iverson's best season happened only because Larry Brown coached the hell out of a Sixers team full of roleplayers who were willing to kill themselves despite never touching the ball. Iverson benefitted from the perfect storm of circumstances that season. And you'll notice that he never came close to reaching that level of team success ever again. It was an abberation more than an indication of greatness.

Is Iverson finished in the NBA. Maybe. Probably. Although I read that the New York Knicks have expressed interest. Fitting, huh? You'd think that Donnie Walsh would be smart enough to avoid the possibility of another Stephon Marbury-type situation. Of course, if anybody can resurrect Iverson's career, it's Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni. You can bet he'd be willing to start Iverson and let him chuck 'em up without remorse...just like everyone else on the Bricks.

My biggest regret in this whole mess is that the league won't be able to give Iverson a bogus spot on the All-Star team. Which is too bad, because Basketbawful reader Jordan sent in the perfect promo poster:


Stephen Jackson: In the ultimate example of "be careful what you wish for" -- not to mention poetic justice -- Captain Jack was finally traded to the Charlotte Bobcats. Of course, that wasn't exactly was S-Jax had in mind this summer when he made his much-publicized trade demands and said: "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." His wish list included Cleveland, New York, or one of the Texas teams.

Well, New York was out of the question (they're still saving cap space for next summers doomed-to-failure run at Lebron). The Mavericks are on fire and don't need him. The Rockets and Spurs go after character guys, so they probably don't want him. There was talk about the Cavaliers trying to deal for Jackson, but their supposed offer included a sign-and-trade of Wally Szczerbiak (who's still recovering from a major knee surgery and currently out of the league indefinitely) and Delonte West (who could end up in jail on gun charges). The Warriors wanted Jackson gone...but not that badly. So they were willing to take Charlotte's deal which included Raja Bell and Vladimir "Space Cadat" Radmanovic. One, two, three, pass the trash!

Jackson, for his part, is taking the moral low ground and blaming the Warriors for the whole mess: "I wanted to be out pretty bad. Things were going bad. I was getting blamed for everything. I wasn't seeing eye to eye with the team. I got fined in preseason, which was ridiculous. It was just a lot of things that I didn't agree with that was going on."

One thing in Captain Jack's favor is that he'll be coached by Larry Brown, the same guy who managed to squeeze some blood out of the Allen Iverson turnip. And let's face it, Charlotte is the league's lowest scoring team...so they need the help. Said Brown: "I know Stephen, he loves to play, and we've got to make it work out -- and I'm confident it will."

S-Jax was pretty thrilled to hear about that, and anxious to take a stab at Don Nelson: "The kind of coach I want that has your back. That's something that's big to me. If a coach has my back, then I don't mind playing 110 percent for him." You might wonder where Jackson's going to get that extra 10 percent. Well, since he's been giving about zero percent on the defensive end for the last couple seasons, he's got plenty of percents to give.

Mark Stevens: You may not know him, but he's Stephen Jackson's agent. You know, the man who got his client traded to the Bobcats. Well, Jackson wanted to be on a contender, and that's what he got. Of course, the 'Cats are contending to become the lowest scoring team of the shot clock era...but that's still contending! Stevens, predictably, is on spin control: "He's happy about the trade, delighted about the trade. This is what he wanted, a new start, and this gives him a chance to compete. Plus he's a huge fan of that team's president, Michael Jordan." Riiiiiight. And let me guess...you have some swamp land in Florida to sell me, too, right?

The Charlotte Bobcats: Let's hope the Captain Jack trade breaths some life into this depressing team. Last night, they managed to shoot over 50 percent and outscore the Magic (who, of course, have All-Star center Dwight Howard) 40-36 in the paint, but failed nonetheless thanks in part to 11 missed free throws and the 21 points they gave up on 17 turnovers. What a waste of a career-high-tying 31-point effort from Flip Murray. The 97-91 setback was Charlotte's fifth straight loss and their 11th consecutive defeat on the road dating back to last season. The 'Cats are now 1-10 all-time when playing in Orlando.

By the way, Jackson's debut with his new team was highlighted by 13 points in 14 shots and a game-high 4 turnovers.

The Oden Watch: Another game, another 5 personal fouls for Big Greg. It's also worth noting that The Next Great Center (11 points, 5-for-9, 7 rebounds, 1 block, game-high 4 turnovers) was thoroughly outplayed by his Atlantean counterpart Al Horford (15 points, 7-for-10, 10 rebounds, 2 blocks, no turnovers). Heck, even Hawks pine rider Zaza Pachulia (7 points, 9 boards) outrebounded him despite playing 14 fewer minutes. As always, I'm just sayin'...

The New Jersey Nyets: Basketbawful reader Alex K. sent in one of the most depressing e-mails a basketball fan can ever receive from his team. Said Alex: "In case you didn't see this already, this pretty much sums up what it's like to be a Nets fan. Ugh."


Isiah Thomas: Like Sugar Ray said: it never ends...it never ends.

Pau Gasol: I didn't see Pau on CSI last night, but Dan B. sent me the link to the KenTremendous Twitter, which has some funny Pau-on-CSI-themed jokes. Can anybody let me know how it was?

Lacktion Report: After watching Derek Anderson compile a fourth-quarter passer rating of 3.1 on Monday Night Football, Chris somehow had the strength of will left to report on the NBA lacktion:

Blazers-Hawks: Joe Smith and Maurice Evans each gave the dirty birds a +2 suck differential, through differing means: Evans via two bricks in 5:53, and Smith via two fouls in 3:58.

Mavs-Bucks: James Singleton fouled twice and missed one shot for a +3 in 2:33.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Charlotte Bobcats, fan submissions, Golden State Warriors, Greg Oden, Isiah Thomas, Pau Gasol, Stephen Jackson, team cancers

The original man love pic. I guess now we know why Isiah avoided the lips...
As you may or may not know, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson have "co-written" a book together. (That is, they probably did a lot of talking while author Jackie MacMullen did the actual writing.) It's called When The Game Was Ours, and it comes out on November 4th. However, it's already making headlines...by making Isiah Thomas want to kick Magic's ass. The two main points of contention are:

1. Isiah spread rumors that Magic was gay or bisexual...or so Magic believes: Remember back in 1991 when Magic tested positive for HIV and had to retire? Magic's agent Lon Rosen claims Isiah told him: "I keep hearing Magic is gay." When Rosen reminded Isiah that the two men were friends and that Isiah knew him better than anyone, Isiah allegedly replied, "I know, but I don't know what he's doing when he's out there in L.A." In the book, Magic responds to this story by saying, "Isiah kept questioning people about it. I couldn't believe that. The one guy I thought I could count on had all these doubts. It was like he kicked me in the stomach.''

2. Magic (along with Michael Jordan) co-blocked Isiah from making the 1992 Olympic Dream Team: Said Magic: "Isiah killed his own chances when it came to the Olympics. Nobody on that team wanted to play with him. ... Michael didn't want to play with him. Scottie [Pippen] wanted no part of him. Bird wasn't pushing for him. Karl Malone didn't want him. Who was saying, 'We need this guy?' Nobody.''

You can kind of see how this happened, right? Magic hears that Isiah might kinda-sorta wonder whether he's gay in 1991, because science at that time had proven that only homosexuals and junkies got AIDS. When he hears what Isiah might have kinda-sorta said, Magic gets pissed but doesn't say anything, because it's uncomfortable to address rumors that your best friend thinks you might want to put his penis in your mouth. When 1992 rolls around and it's time for him to stand behind Isiah's inclusion on the Dream Team, Magic exacts his revenge by helping to keep one of the best point guards of all time off the greatest team of all time. And now, after all these years, Magic decides "clears the air" in a book about his rivalry with Larry Bird. Without telling Isiah in advance.

Sounds pretty fifth grade, right?

There's only one problem with Magic's claims and assumptions. Isiah denies questioning Magic's sexuality, mostly because his own brother, Gregory Thomas, had HIV. Said Thomas: "What most people don't know is, before Magic had HIV, my brother had HIV. My brother died of HIV, AIDS, drug abuse. So I knew way more about the disease, because I was living with it in my house.''

Whoops.

You know what this reminds me of? More fifth grade stuff. You have two best friends (Magic and Isiah) and one bitter enemy to both of them (Bird). Only, by some strange twist of fate, one of the bosom buddies (Magic) becomes friends with the enemy (Bird). Suddenly, the other bosom buddy (Isiah) is on the outside looking in...and wondering what in the hell happened. But of course boys don't talk about their feelings, so the two former friends just drift apart. By 8th grade (or in this case almost two decades later), one former friend (Isiah) finally hears through the grapevine (or in this case a book prepared for mass distribution) that his old buddy thinks all kinds of bad things about him based on stuff that may not even be true.

Ah, children.

Here are some of Isiah's responses to all this. Regarding the Dream Team cock-block:

"I'm glad that he's finally had the nerve and the courage to stand up and say it was him, as opposed to letting Michael Jordan take the blame for it all these years. I wish he would have had the courage to say this stuff to me face to face, as opposed to writing it in some damn book to sell and he can make money off it.''

Regarding the "I said Magic's gay" rumors:

"Magic acted and responded off some really bad information that he got. Whatever friendship we had, I thought it was bulls--- that he believed that. Let me put it to you this way: If he and I were such close friends, if I was questioning his sexuality, then I was questioning mine too. That's how idiotic it is.

"They weren't going to let Magic play in the All-Star Game; all the players were coming out [against him]. You know how that all got turned around? I had a meeting with all of the players -- because I was president of the players' association -- and I told them not only was he going to play, but we were going to shake his hand and give him a hug. And I was the first to shake his hand and hug him and give him a kiss, to let people know that's not how the virus is spread. And you can go back and check at the players' association. Call Charlie Grantham [the former union executive director and COO] and ask him how Magic got to play in the All-Star Game. Ask him who called the meeting.

"I don't discriminate. I don't believe any race or ethnic group or social group should be discriminated against, because I have been discriminated against, and I know it would be wrong for me to discriminate. I think Magic has been misled on a lot of things, and unfortunately this has been another one of them. I am hurt and disappointed that he has chosen to believe others as opposed to his closest friends. And I think you can go back and look in that era and see who his closest friends were, and who his closest friends are now. At that time, I don't consider Lon Rosen to be one of his closest friends; he was one of his business advisers making money off him."

Believe it or not, I feel a little bad for Isiah. The dude has been having a pretty rough decade or so. Misfortune and tragedy -- much of it self-imposed -- have dogged him at every turn. If you think about it, this all started in 1987 when he said that if Larry Bird was black he's be just another good player. Then, after a couple championships, he walked off the court without congratulating the Bulls after the 1991 Eastern Conference Finals. Then he bombed as Toronto's GM. Then there was the CBA debacle. Then Larry Bird fires him as coach of the Indiana Pacers. Years later, he gets fired again after almost destroying the New York Knicks. Then he allegedly tries to commit suicide and says it was actually his daughter who did it. Now this.

Bad times all around.

It's hard to blame 1991 Magic Johnson for being upset. After all, back then being diagnosed with HIV was like a death sentence. And, frankly, it was easy to believe that Isiah would say something stupid like "I don't know what he's doing when he's out there in L.A." in light of his previous comments about Bird. And yeah, maybe he was too emotionally wrung out to deal with it by the time the original Dream Team was being put together. I get all that. What I don't get is why it's taken Magic -- who's healthy and has seemingly long since come to terms with his HIV-positive status -- so long to speak up. And, really, he should have told Isiah directly before putting it into a book that's not even about Isiah.

But if The Magic Hour taught us anything, it's that Magic doesn't always make the best decisions. Oh well. I guess it's better to have man-loved and lost...than to have never man-loved at all.

Update! I had to add this comment from BleedingHeartPessimist: "I can just picture Larry Bird, sitting in his Birdcave, looking at a giant flow chart entitled "Plan to Destroy Isiah and Magic", crossing off another box, and chuckling to himself."

Update again! More high comedy from Hilary:

Michael Jordan probably saw it as Magic letting him take credit, not the fall.

Top Secret Meeting of Dream Team Players

Magic: He's not my BFF anymore. That is so 1990.

Larry: I never liked him either.

Karl Malone: Speaking of manlove, if he gets on, my basketball other half is probably going to be left off. Down with Isiah!

Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen: We vote however Michael says, and everyone knows how he froze Michael out during that All-Star game.

Jordan: I want him off the team, too, but on one condition.

All: What?

Jordan: He thinks I'm the one behind everything. He gets to sit at home all summer and think about how if he would have acknowledged my greatness, he could have been on the greatest team ever. The biggest mistake anyone can ever make is not acknowledging my greatness, you know. And I never forget, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to humiliating anyone foolish enough to motivate me by -- anyone got a pen? This is good stuff, and I want to save it for my hall of fame induction speech.

Malone: Make sure John gets to be the other point guard, and he'll make up something about wanting to be brought into the hall of fame by another small dominant guard so Isiah can be there in person when you make the hall of fame speech!

Jordan: Deal!

Labels: AIDS, feuds, HIV, Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, man love

Symptoms of Retired Legenditis may include becoming the targetof humiliating banners flown over southern California beaches.
Retired Legenditis (re-tird' lej'-uhnd-it'-is) noun. An acute psychological disorder that causes some (but certainly not all) NBA legends to lose their damn minds during retirement. At best, the ensuing erratic and unpredictable behavior embarrasses both them and their families. At worst, it sullies their legacy forever.

Usage example: Reggie Miller is the latest former NBA great to contract Retired Legenditis.

Word History: The term was coined last night (August 11, 2009) by Statbuster while we were discussing Reggie Miller's very public feud with Alex von Furstenberg, a Malibu surf shop owner and son of fashion legend Diane von Furstenberg. Apparently, Reggie spent several months flirting with von Furstenberg's fiancé -- clothing designer Ali Kay -- which caused von Furstenberg to go apeshit. It probably didn't help that Kay sent Reggie a couple sizzling pics via text message. Restraining orders were filled out by both parties but never filed, and von Furstenberg paid a small plane to fly a banner over the beaches of Malibu to warn Reggie off of married women. Bad times all around.

This mess was of course preceded by Reggie having a tramp stamp tattooed around his belly button and pouring vodka down the gullet of some barely-legal babe while wearing a ghastly sweater vest. Remember when NBA legends retired with dignity?

Oh, right. You probably don't. Not with Charles Barkley getting busted for DUI and then telling the arresting officer "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." (Later at the police station, Sir Charles told another officer "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if he helped "get him out of the DUI.") Oh, and let's not forget Chuck's gambling addiction or that time he had a civil complaint filed against him for a $400,000 gambling debt he accidentally forgot to pay. He also joked about Isiah Thomas' alleged suicide attempt at a press conference (more on that below).

Hey, I guess it's tough being a basketball legend who doesn't play basketball anymore. Julius Erving made a sex tape with a woman who was not his wife, and that tape was mysteriously released during his messy divorce trial. Elgin Baylor spent a couple decades ruining the Clippers. (And after Elgin was FINALLY fired, he filed an employment discrimination lawsuit against the Clippers, team owner Donald Sterling, and the NBA. He alleges that he was underpaid during his tenure with the team and then fired because of his age and race.) Kevin McHale completely McFailed as GM of the Timberwolves. Larry Bird is still running the Pacers into the ground. Magic Johnson made a couple ill-fated comebacks (the second of which featured an ejection and suspension for bumping a referee and then claiming the ref bumped him), embarrassed himself with an ugly 16-game coaching stint with the Lakers (during which the team went 5-11), and then totally bombed as host of The Magic Hour (after which he blamed his failure on a lack of support from African American celebrities).

Michael Jordan completely mismanaged the Washington Wizards (epitomized by his selection of Kwame Brown with the number one overall pick in the 2001 NBA Draft) until he was fired by owner Abe Pollin. The sacking came despite MJ's two-season comeback with the Wiz, during which he "led" the team to back-to-back 37-win seasons and utterly failed to make the playoffs (despite guaranteeing a postseason berth). Things have gone only slightly better with the Bobcats...seeing as how Mike only wasted the third overall draft pick of the 2006 NBA Draft on Adam Morrison. But that's the sole improvement. MJ also likes bumping and grinding with the barely-legals. And here's some more evidence that his divorce didn't exactly break his heart.

And then there's Isiah Thomas. First, he destroyed the CBA. Second, he got fired as coach of the Pacers by his former rival Larry Bird. Then he became GM and later the coach of the New York Knicks...otherwise known as The Greatest Epic Fail in NBA History. Shortly after the Knicks finally canned him, Isiah apparently tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. He then claimed it was his daughter who tried to kill herself. The truth was never made clear, but when asked about the situation during a press conference, Isiah couldn't deny it was a suicide attempt.

The moral of this post? Maybe it's better NOT to become an NBA legend.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Word of the Day

Since ESPN is doing that whole Mount Rushmore of Sports thing, Evil Ted and I decided there needed to be a Mount Rushmore of Basketbawful. After nearly seven seconds (or less) of furious non-debate, we chose the faces and ET Photoshopped the graphic. All hail.

Update! Hey. What's that...up in the clouds... (thanks Tonewise.)


Editor's note: I really, really wish the real Mount Rushmore had five heads so that we could have included Antoine Walker. In fact, based on extra cogitation and reader suggestions, additional Basketbawful Rushmorians could include (but not be limited to): Bill Laimbeer, Clay Bennet, the Clippers logo, Darko Milicic, Dennis Rodman, Duncan face, Eddy Curry, Joey Crawford, John Hollinger, Lamar Odom, Latrell Spreewell, Mario West, Ron Artest, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter. Am I missing anybody?

Labels: ESPN, Greg Ostertag, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, Mount Rushmore, Stephon Marbury

Donyell Marshall's wardrobe malfunction: Marshall amused his teammates and horrified fans in attendance when he took off both his warm-up shirt and jersey while subbing into a game. Good times. Now watch Lebron go absolutely bonkers over it. I mean, sweet breakdancing Jesus, he was laughing so hard you'd think that Marshall had just gotten a pie in the face and then slipped comically on a banana peel.


Reggie Miller invents a word: On January 31, 2008, Miller coined a term during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." What a wet blanket.

Kobe Bryant has a career lowlight: Mamba scored 39 points (a team high) and grabbed 10 boards (another team high) in a 90-89 loss to the Detroit Pistons. Brilliant game, right? Sure, if you overlook his severe case of fumbleitis. For much of the game, Kobe handled the rock like somebody had replaced his hands with two honeybaked hams. He coughed up the ball a career-high 11 times -- 7 of which came in the first half -- on his way to his first career triple bumble. He also unleashed some of his trademark "subtle" criticism of his teammates: "What are you going to do when guys are open? If I catch the ball, what am I going to do, go one on three? We made the right play, we just didn't complete it." I ran this one through the Kobe-to-English translator in my Batcomputer, and apparently that comment means, "Hey, not my fault. Go talk to Lamar. He airballed the final shot." But this also begs the question: When has Kobe ever shied away from going one-on-three?

Christmas comes early for the Lakers: You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach the moment you you realize something disastrous just happened? Well, we had that feeling for a full weekend after the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown. Did Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace accidentally click "accept" in his Yahoo Fantasy NBA Trade Manager? The world may never know. Needless to say, the Lakers made off like bandits, but what did Memphis gain from this? An expiring contract, a backup point guard, a slow-footed low-jumping center, and two bench players to be named later. Thank goodness that Kevin McHale saved him by handing over O.J. Mayo (and, er, Antoine Walker...).

The Phoenix Suns trade machine: With the best record in the Western Conference, the Suns become a statistic in the tsunami of 2007-08 panic trades, getting The Big No-Longer-Sherrif-in-Maricopa-County Shaq for Marcus Banks's bloated contract and an inexplicably disgruntled Shawn Marion. Result: limping into the playoffs as a 6th seed and a quick first round exit. [Submitted and written by anacondahl.]

The trade didn't quite work out how Kerr and the Kool-Aid drinking faithful (myself included) had hoped. Instead of finally slipping on that elusive championship ring, the Suns were bounced in the first round by you guessed it, the Spurs, and are now left with the lyrical stylings and massive contract of the one and only Big Cactus. [Submitted and written by Mark of Black Jesus Disciples.]

For knifing fans of the game by trying to become Spurs II. [Submitted and written by jaz.]

And finally, from Brandon of Ballerblogger: "If it works, I'm a genius," Kerr said. "If it doesn't, I'm a moron, I guess." - Steve Kerr

Bonus quote: "In my experience, it takes two or three years to get a group of guys together that could possibly get it done,” O’Neal said. “When I was in Orlando, we had a group of guys who couldn’t get it there, and we added the piece in Horace Grant and it took us over the top. I think I was the piece that they (the Suns) were missing. Next year, we’ll have a full season, and things look pretty good."

"Over the top?" Is he referring to his win over the Birmingham Baron Bulls in 1995? Or the toal humiliation he suffered at the hands of Hakeem Olajuwon in the next round?

Extra info that you might find interesting: Kerr and company brought O'Neal in to be a force defensively. Tim Duncan averaged 25 points, 14 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocks, and shot 50% from the floor in San Antonio's 4-1 first round victory.

Shaq's First Round Stats: 15 points, 9 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 blocks, 44% from the field, 50% from the free throw line. Marion's #'s against San Antonio in 2006-2007: 16 points, 11 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 blocks, 52% from the field, 47% from the 3-point line, 71% from the free throw line.

And let's not forget that O'Neal has two years ($40 million) left on his contract, while Marion's deal expires after the coming season. The Matrix's deal will either come off the books and Miami will have $17 million in cap space. Or they'll trade his expiring contract for young talent.

Update! Shawn Marion's wish is granted: Despite the fact that he was the highest paid player on a team that included both Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire and was a legitimate championship contender, Shawn Marion wanted out, out, out. Despite being the team's biggest money maker and second-leading shot getter, Shawn felt unloved and disrespected by Robert Sarver, Mike D'Antoni, his teammates, the ballboys, fans and the media. Did I miss anybody? Oh yeah, he didn't get the endorsements he deserved, either. The previous season, during an interview for ESPN the Magazine, he was asked if he'd rather be an MVP candidate and a 30-point scorer on a lesser team than hooping it up alongside Nash and Stoudemire. Here's what he said: "Wow, that's interesting. I've never been asked that. That would be an interesting situation to be in, to really show people what I can do. [Pause] But we'd be in the playoffs, right?"

Then, before the next season could even start, apparently angered by hearing his name mentioned in trade rumors, Marion demanded a one-way ticket out of The Valley of the Sun...even suggesting a deal with the hated Lakers. And this is what the drama king had to say: "Sometimes, it's just time, and it's time to go. It's been like a nightmare. It hurts me making this phone call. It's hurting me in my stomach. I'll do what I've got to do. I'm a professional. I'm not bitter. I love the fans but I've got to take care of me."

Nothing happened at the time; Marion shut his mouth and played, and Suns fans watched and waited for the inevitable move. And then it came: Shaq arrived in Phoenix and Marion was shipped to Miami to play for what would end up being a 15-win team. He ended up averaging 14 PPG and 11 RPG in 29 games with Miami before shutting it down for the season due to Pat Riley wanting his team to tank a cryptic back ailment. And now it looks like he'll be on the move again, with the greatest liklihood being that -- if he is moved -- he'll wind up playing for a non-contender and performing well below his ceiling with the Suns. Congratulations, Shawn. I hope the weather is nice in NBA Hell.

Isiah continues to lose his grip on reality, Part 17: With his team squatting on a 14-35 record -- the fourth-worst mark in the league -- and in the midst of a seven-game losing streak, the Baby-faced Assassin claims the Knicks are improving. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." And that, my friends, is what we like to call denial.

T-Mac's All-Star Game hooky: The man simply did not want to play.

Allen Iverson waxes poetic regarding his ink: In an interview about his tattoos, The Answer said, "I put shit on my body that means something to me." He puts shit on his body?

Brad Miller versus Brian Cardinal: The two former Boilermaker teammates face each other on the court. Hilarity ensues.

Devean George blocks Mark Cuban's cock: This was something nobody could have seen coming. The Mavericks pull off a blockbuster trade for prodigal son Jason Kidd, only to have the deal blocked by one Devean Jamar George. George had a "virtual no-trade clause" that allowed him to reject the trade because he's on a one-year contract and would lose his "Early Bird" rights. That's a stipulation that would allow Dallas -- and only Dallas -- to go over the salary cap to sign him. Basically, it would maximize his money should Mark Cuban decide, after the season, that he wants to go balls out to sign George to another, more lucrative contract. Yeah. Not gonna happen. But he may get signed by the Celtics?! Because, yeah, he's the next best thing to James Posey...

D-Wade has skillz (but not really): The NBA All-Star Skills Challenge turned into a somewhat exciting battle of one-upsmanship between two emerging superstar point guards, with Deron Williams setting a new even record (25.5 seconds) to upset Chris Paul in the finals. However, Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade just embarrassed themselves. Kidd's woeful lack of shooting touch was on display when he clunked all five three-point attempts and got tossed after round one with a time of 39.7 seconds. Wade, though...Wade had a full-on ego-ectomy. After electing not to even practice the course, the two-time defending Skills Competition champion lost his dribble out of bounds, botched four straight jumpers before just giving up and flinging the fifth at the hoop, and then missed two layups before ending the round with a score of 53.9 seconds...a time even Stephen Hawking could have beaten. [Nominated by dumbgenius.]

Steve Nash doesn't give a @#$%&! about the three-point contest: Nash admitted before the Three-Point Shootout that the only reason he was taking part in the event was because the Collective Bargaining Agreement says he has to. (Said Nash: "They hold me to it every year.") So naturally he went out and performed like a man who didn't care and wanted it to all be over as quickly as possible, hitting only eight of 25 shots and scoring a lowly nine points. Maybe that'll teach David Stern not to force unwilling former MVPs to compete in meaningless contests they couldn't care less about.

Dirk gives a @#$%&! about it, but fails: He was a late addition to the Three-point Shootout because of Kobe's tender mangina sore pinkie finger...but Dirk was shooting 29 percent from three at the time. So why'd they add him? Star power, baby! But not quite enough. He failed early and often.

Reggie Miller says "titty" on national TV: Oh yes he did.


The Knicks redefine "team unity": During a timeout, Zach Randolph threw a cup of water at Nate Robinson. Nate then threw a towel at Zach. In other words, it was just another night at the office for Team Dysfunction. Rather than disciplining his players, coach Isiah Thomas praised their "feistiness" and "nastiness," which is kind of like praising your crazy ex-girlfriend's "passion" after she burns down your apartment building. Amazingly, the Knicks transformed their malaise into a 113-100 overtime win, proving that, at least once in a while, insanity works. Reactions below. [Nominated by karma.]


Danny Ferry's "blockbuster" trade: I'm pretty sure this trade was not what LeBron James had in mind when he asked for more help. Kobe threw a hissy fit and got Pau Gasol, while LeBron played the good soldier and got Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West. Doesn't give King James much of an incentive to play nice next time, does it? I've heard that the deal was a "win now" move for Danny Ferry and the Cavs. Win now? In the D-League, maybe.

John Paxson's "blockbuster" trade: Well, he got rid of Ben Wallace...for Larry Hughes. Oh dear God.

Greg Oden's hair adventure: In a turn of events only slightly less devastating than his season-ending knee surgery, Greg Oden now has gets a frohawk. Or maybe the frohawk has him. I'm hoping Steve Blake follows suit and sports a Red Rooster.

Candace Parker's career move: Candace Parker announces that she will leave college early to play in the WNBA! So she should be making six figures for, oh, about five seasons. I hope she invests wisely.

Anthony Parker praises the Knicks: He had some...interesting things to say after his team lost to the Knicks: "I don't think you can look at their record and say, 'Oh, it’s a bad team.' I think they’'e shown they can go into D.C. and get a win. They are capable of going into Philly and getting beaten pretty badly. They've got a lot of talent and a lot of options. I think they played well tonight." I don't know about you, but I can look at a 17-win team and say TThat's a bad team." I can even say, "They're a very bad team." In fact, I can say "They're a crap-coated poopsicle" and not feel as though I've overstated things.

The worst basketball possession of all time: Thank you, Zach Randolph. [Nominated by pretty much everybody, link from sun devil.] Update! It has been suggested that I undersold this entry. So let me recap it for you:

1. Randolph, New York's titular big man, receives the ball outside of the three-point line. This is the point where you would expect ball rotation...from any team not called "The Knicks."

2. He attempts to break down his defender by dribbling the hell out of the ball, sort of like Isiah Thomas circa 1989, only without the mad handles. I promise you that a small piece of Hubie Brown's soul died that night.

3. He totally loses the rock like a retarded child trying to use the freestyle control on NBA Live during a seizure and has to run almost out to halfcourt to retrieve it. For the record, this is what happened to me back when I was using Austin Croshere (then with the Pacers) while playing NBA Live 2004. It's like the programmers thought Croshere was born with rusty coat hangers for hands.

4. Then, instead of passing the ball to a teammate, he shambles to the arc and launches an airball...with seven seconds left on the shot clock!

The best part is when the camera pans to Isiah, who looks about ready to choke a bitch. Can you imagine what would have happened to Scott Hastings if he'd ever pulled something like that when he was on those Bad Boy Pistons teams? I promise you he'd still be digging atomic wedgie out of his butt crack.


More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part I: A woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

The Spurs' first quarter explosion: On February 25, 2008, the defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session. Of course, they were playing the Atlanta Hawks, so they won anyway.

Ron Artest gets quote-tastic: Regarding a proposed trade to the Denver Nuggets that fell through, Ron-Ron said: "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft." Awesome.

Pat Riley gets quote-tastic: The Heat end an 11-game losing streak and Riles gives us a classic quote: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part II: According to the AP game recap, "Pacers F Shawne Williams (personal reasons) left at halftime and didn’t return." Well, here are those reasons: "A man wanted for murder in Memphis, Tenn., was arrested Wednesday night after leaving the home of Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams on the Northeastside, according to Indianapolis metropolitan police." It doesn't get much more "personal" than harboring a murdering fugitive from justice, does it. For his part, Williams said, "I feel like I let my organization (and) my teammates down, along with the Simon brothers (team owners Mel and Herb) and my family." Williams also said that he "wasn't very close" with Rollins, and would be more careful in the future. Mind you, this incident came only a few days after a woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home (though not by Daniels) during a "small gathering." Man, the Pacers really need to start making better friends.

'Toine's "passport problems": Basketbawful reader Jochem de Graas was quick to pick up on the rather laughable pretext for Employee #8's absence from the Timberwolve's matchup against the Raptors: "The reason Antoine Walker didn't play last night: Minnesota forward Antoine Walker didn't travel to Toronto because of what Wittman called 'a passport problem.' On the bottom under game notes. That's more creative then flu-like symptons." True enough, Jochem. If the NBA ever expands to Europe, I predict that "passport problems" will become the new "flu-like symptoms." You heard it here first, folks.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, NBA Worsties, Pat Riley, Phoenix Suns, Shaq

This is part 3 of our ongoing Worsties coverage. It runs through the end of last January. More parts to follow.

Isiah continues to lose grip on reality, Part I: A day after 2007 gave way to 2008, Isiah Thomas had this to say about his godawful team: "I believe that one day we will win a championship here. And as I sit here and I say it today, I know people will laugh even more at me, but I'm hell bent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I'm not leaving until we get it done." Emboldened by their coaches strong words, the Knicks promptly went out and got blown out at home by the Sacramento Kings (13-18), who were without Kevin Martin, Ron Artest, and Mike Bibby. After the game, Thomas altered his stance ever so slightly: "I don't necessarily just want to win a championship. I want to leave something that's going to stand for a long time. I want to leave a legacy, I want to leave tradition. I want to leave an imprint, a blueprint in terms of how people play, and how they coach and how they respond when they put on the Knick uniform. And I want to leave what I left in Detroit. Every person that walks through that door as a Piston, when they put on that uniform, there's a certain pride that they carry. And I want to put that here and I want to leave that here in New York. I want to leave a championship legacy." Seriously, I know people who got put in padded cells for less crazy than this.

Knicks try to stifle "Fire Isiah" movement: A 22-year-old college student was arrested outside Madison Square Garden for selling t-shirts that said, "Don't Hate The Player Or The Game. Hate The Coach." The man in question, one Ivan Cash, thinks the arrest was meant "to put a lid on all the demands by fans for a new coach.'' No kidding? erhaps we should just tattoo "Duh" on his head and get it over with.

Scottie Pippen requests head coaching position (world laughs): During the 2006-07 seasons, Pippen wanted to come back and play in the NBA, even going so far as to say, "The fans who understand the game, the GMs and coaches, I think they'd rather have a Scottie than a Michael [Jordan]. Because I'm an all-around player. Coaches would rather have a Scottie-type player than a Michael. I was an all-around player. I made people around me better." Surprisingly enough, nobody -- and I mean nobody -- was interested in his services. In 2008, Pip decided he wanted to coach the Bulls. "What's my disadvantage? No NBA coaching experience? [Scott] Skiles' record with the Bulls wasn't that great. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do what you've done your whole life. I've played basketball, run teams and won. They didn't put me at point guard because I could dribble good. They put me there because I could run a team. I wasn't the best dribbler, the best shooter. I wasn't a point guard. But I knew how to run a team." Actually, I seem to remember guys like John Paxson, B.J. Armstrong, Ron Harper, and even Steve Kerr playing point for the Bulls back then, but whatever. Pippen continued: "With a guy [Jordan] who loved to touch it and shoot all the time, I was able to keep him under control. That didn't come from the bench, it came from making the right decisions. You try to make the game fun for everyone and then we were able to find Mike. The games I felt he was getting off too much, I'd find a way to get other guys off. And then guys weren't running at him all the time and he could take off in the right place." Uh, yeah. I don't really want to hear about Pip getting other players off. Beyond that, his assertion that it was he, and not Phil Jackson or Jordan himself, that reigned Jordan in is patently ridiculous. As is most of everything else Pippen is saying these days. Particularly when you consider that, right after announcing he wanted to coach the Bulls, he started ripping into the players. On Tyrus Thomas: "He doesn't know how to play the game. He's great from the neck down." On Ben Wallace: "You don't pay a rebounder $15 million. OK, they did. He doesn't know the game like Dennis Rodman did." On Kirk Hinrich: "He's not that talented...you can't have midgets running your backcourt." On Luol Deng: "he's trying to show 28, 29 teams what he's about instead of going out and playing." On Andres Nocioni: "He's turning into Rasheed Wallace with the kinds of things he does on floor." I don't care about his six championships or his place in the 50 Greatest NBA Players. He's an idiot if he thinks talk like that is going to land him a head coaching job anywhere in the NBA, let alone for the Bulls. Does he really think the players would listen to him after he blasted them in the press like that? Ben Gordon sure wasn't listening. "I don't really care what Scottie has to say. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn't have anything to do with anything."

Chauncey Billups gives us a sign of things to come: "Mr. Big Shot" missed three freethrows in the fourth quarter of the Piston's 92-85 loss to the Celtics. He also missed a critical three-pointer in the closing minutes that could have given his team the lead (he was 3-for-9 from three-point range for the game). Then, rather than giving the Celtics credit afterward, he tried to diminish the impact of their victory. "They're a little more happy than we were when we won our game at their place. It was just a regular game for us with two good teams playing. They were kind of playing like it was the Super Bowl. There was probably a little more at stake for them and their psyche than it was for us." And see, that's why the Pistons have failed to make it back to the NBA Finals the last few years. That arrogant, lackadaisical makes for great soundbytes...and disappointing playoff exits.

The Suns' Achilles' heel revealed by...us: Frustrated by the Suns' relative underperformance, I wrote a letter to them to please stop sucking. In that letter, I disclosed that they were, by far, the worst rebounding team in the league. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't written this letter. I'm not saying Steve Kerr read it or anything, but if he did, it's the kind of thing that could push a GM into making a panic trade...

Pat Riley starts eyeballing the "Quit" button: Even as the Heat lose their ninth game in a row and fall to 8-28, rumors start circulating that Riles might retire after this season. Somewhere, Stan Van Gundy laughs in equal parts delight and bitterness.

Isiah continues to lose grip on reality, Part II: The NBA's walking punchline continued to deliver. A few days after stating his intent to win a championship in New York, he was quoted in the New York Daily News as giving himself "two votes of confidence" in his dual role as the Knicks coach and general manager. ''There could be smarter people [than me], but in terms of determination and passion to make it right, I know I'm not going to find anybody [better] out there. I am determined to fix this and make it right.'' He then basically conceded that this season sucks big time, but that ''...you stick around long enough, it happens. You just have to fight your way through it. Through these tough times, you still have to set the example and be the leader. Because there's a locker room full of men looking for direction, and my job is to provide that.'' Isiah then went out and provided that example by coaching the Knicks to yet another home loss in which he got ejected for (possibly) making contact with an official. What terrible crime against humanity compelled Isiah to rush out onto the floor and get himself tossed? He felt Yao Ming should have been called for a three-second violation. Way to choose your battles there, Isiah.

Gordan Giricek earns does not earn respect: After getting traded away from the Jazz, Giricek announces that he was not respected "as a man." He then goes out and averages 3.3 PPG on 26 percent shooting in his first several games with his new team, the Sixers, who suddenly realize, "Wait, we traded Kyle Korver for this guy?!"

Saint Louis Billikens remind me why I hate college basketball: I'm not a big fan of college basketball (unless it's my alma mater or March Madness), but I couldn't not mention this travesty: The Billikens set a modern Division I record for fewest points in a game with 20. Saint Louis went zero for their first nine shot attempts. At one point, they missed 23 consecutive shots and finished 7-for-48 (14.6 percent) from the field, including 1-for-19 from 3-point range. They had scored only 7 points by halftime, a performance that made their 13-point second half look positively scintillating. What does a coach even say to his team after a performance so historically dreadful? Well, Rick Majerus, the Billikens' coach, noted after the game that this was his first year with Saint Louis and that he did not recruit the team. "It's like being a stepparent. I didn't pick them. They didn't pick me." Wow. Feel the love.

Update! Basketbawful reader deej pointed out that our boy Larry Hughes was a Billiken, and Johnny Drama provided this wonderful and related link. Turns out the Billikens were, in a way, paying tribute to their most famous son.

The Dark Lord is stunned as it snows in hell: Seriously.

The inmates start running the asylum in Chicago: First, Joakim Noah screamed at assistant coach Ron Adams at practice, after which interim head coach Jim Boylan suspended Noah for one game for his behavior. Then a cabal of Bulls players -- led by Ben "I am killing this team with my huge contract and lousy play" Wallace and Adrian "He's still on this team?" Griffin -- vote to suspend Noah for an additional game. Stunningly, Chicago's coaching staff and management supported this move. Bulls GM John Paxson appeared on the Mike North Morning Show on WSCR-AM (670), and said that everyone in the Bulls' organization, including team chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, thought that the players' group decision to bench Noah was ''outstanding.'' Mind you, these were the same players who tuned out and quit on Scott Skiles, leading to the "coach who turned things around" getting fired on freakin' Christmas eve.

JamesOn Curry decides the entire world is his bathroom: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who was serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry -- due to suspension -- was forced to miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's next game against the Austin Toros.

Lakers fans turn on Kwame Brown: During L.A.'s 106-98 loss to the Suns, Lakers fans played The Giant Falling Anvil to Kwame Brown's Wile E. Coyote, booing him with a pitiless rage that would make even Hannibal Lecter a little uneasy. Kwame played so badly -- 3-for-8 shooting, two blown layups, one missed dunk, and 7 turnovers -- that one wonders whether he has the manual dexterity necessary to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, like using a remote control or unwrapping a piece of gum. Update! Basketbawful reader dunpizzle provided some video.


And it happened again.


More Knicks drama unfolds: Former Knicks coach Larry Brown revealed that management had spies "throughout the arena" to keep in eye on him. As a result, he never felt fully comfortable viewing Internet porn in his office. I mean, he still did it and everything, but it wasn't nearly as satisfying as it could have been.

Shaq's wallet fuels our economy: Thanks to his ongoing divorce issues, the press gives us an insider's view of The Big Spender's monthly expenditures: $1,500 for cable TV, $110,000 for vacations, $17,000 for clothing, $26,500 for babysitting, and $23,000 at gas stations. Man, I need to quit my job and get hired on as Shaq's nanny. That has "hit sitcom" written all over it.

Tony Parker's dark secret revealed: Eva Longoria finally admitted to something that everyone who follows the NBA already knew. No, not that Tony Parker has a very small penis (although that's true too). The dude totally fakes fouls and injuries. Gee, I'm so very shocked. Remember in last year's playoffs when Parker obliterated Steve Nash's nose with his bulbous head? I mean, Nash's poor beak freaking exploded, yet he just stood there and took it like a man while Parker was writhing around on the court in totally bogus agony.

Magic Johnson makes bold (read that "stupid") prediction: The man who gave us harmonism and fundamativity has now offered up the following insane prognostication: The New York Knicks (who were at that time 14-31) were going to make the playoffs. In fact, Johnson said, "I think that they’re going to be a tough eight or seven seed, too." Why would Magic think something so, you know, stupid? "Because you can see that they’ve turned the corner. Now everybody knows their roles, their minutes. I watch every game." Well, there you have it. Magic watches every Knicks game. No wonder he's lost his damn mind.

Chris Webber returns (waaaah waaaah waaaaaaaah): [The following was submitted and written by Justin from Birdmonster.] Warrior fans have a long, hate-flavored memory. And while I will always have a special place in my charcoaled soul for Mike Dunleavy, Todd Fuller, and the unforgettable Uwe Blab, only Chris Webber had the ability to pull his shorts past his bionic knees and crap all over our faces twice.

A brief history: Webber famously forced a trade after his first season in the Bay, a trade which netted the Warriors the unstoppable manbeast known as Tom Gugliotta. C-Webb would become a perennial all star and the cornerstone of those enjoyable turn of the millennium Sacramento teams while Tom Guglitta would earn the nickname "The Grub."

Then, last season, right before the Shaq & Pau trades, our lovable Warriors signed Webber after more than a decade of wear and tear. Warriors fans enjoyed the hallucination that Webber, with his smooth passing and crafty old-man-game, could be a valuable piece in Don Nelson's ever fluid line-up. I know I talked myself into it.

Then I saw him play.

It was a tragedy.

Webber played a staggering nine games and averaged 3.9 points and 3.6 rebounds a game before his android joints rusted. While Warrior fans begged to see us some Brandan Wright, C-Webb got 14 minutes a night to bog down the Warriors offense and make a defense built on scrappiness into one built on crappy-ness. I was actually upset he was taking minutes from Austin Croshere.

So thanks CWebb. We'll let you know when that statue outside Oracle is up.

Labels: Chauncy Billups, Chris Webber, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson, NBA Worsties, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Scottie Pippen, Tony Parker

Note of apology: I misplaced Wild Yams' submission regarding Smush Parker and wrote my own entry about it. Mine has been replaced by his. Sorry, Yams.

There were way too many Worsties from the recently deceased NBA season to fit them all into one post, unless you happen to enjoy blog articles that are 20 pages long. So I'm going to break this baby up into multiple posts over the course of the week. Here's the first one. It runs from the preseason through November only, so never fear: Those of you who made contributions will be recognized in due time.

Gilbert Arenas and his (cracked) crystal ball: Back in October, Agent Zero made the following bold prediction on his blog: "On November 2nd, we're going to go into [TD Banknorth Garden], we're opening up Boston. Right now I'm telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It's not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn't winning in Boston for the season opener. I'm sorry." A few days and several thousand "He has got to be kidding" newspaper articles and blog posts later, Gil amended his prediction somewhat. But not really. "I mean, when you look at that Celtics team, that's a powerful team...on paper. Once those guys get going, you're in trouble. You can’t guard that team...on paper. You still have to play the games.... But November 2 for them, that’s going to be truh-bull. Trouble."

It was trouble, all right. For the Wizards. The Celtics thumped them 108-83. Washington shot 35 percent and committed 20 turnovers (to only 11 assists). They were "led" by Gilbert's 5-for-19 shooting and 4 turnovers. After the game, Agent Zero was unusually quiet: "They have a great squad. You can see that they have what it takes." Too bad (for him) that he couldn't have seen that a little earlier.

Ben Wallace finally gets his way: After spending most of the 2006-07 season proving he couldn't play worth a damn without a headband, Wallace forced convinced Bulls coach Scott Skiles to change his "zero tolerance" policy for headbands to a "one tolerance" policy. Surprisingly enough, that did not affect the cadaver-like quality of Big Ben's play.

Brad Miller's hair adventures: After dropping 25 pounds of soggy fat during the offseason, Brad Beefcake decided to spruce up his image a little bit. During training camp, he unveiled a suave, parted-down-the-center haircut with sweeping bangs and a striking, come-hither gaze that caused the virginity of several thousand Sacramento teens to spontaneously combust. But he wasn't done there. Oh dear Gods no. He soon unleashed upon the world a beautifully cornrowed cocunut that set a new Gold Standard for white boys trying to look like black men.


Josh Howard punks Brad Miller: Speaking of Brad the Bad, during a preseason game between Sacramento and Dallas, he and the tiny Devin Harris got tangled up. The shoving match between the seven-foot center and the wee little guard ended pretty much the way you'd expect: With Miller knocking Harris to the floor like a bop bag. The situation escalated when Harris' teammate, Josh Howard, ran the length of the floor and dropped an atomic forearm onto the back of Miller's head. It was another incident in the fad of one player cheapshotting another player from behind, as popularized by Carmelo Anthony. According to Howard: "I was protecting my teammate -- that's about as simple as you can put it. It was a dirty play, and it wasn't even Devin [who was at fault]." Note that the Nazis at YouTube have taken down the video of this event. If anyone has it or can find it, please send it on. Edit! Here's the video. Thanks, foolioami!

The word out of Dallas was that this wasn't the first time Miller had taken a shot at Harris. Harris claimed that it had happened three other times, and that he was even knocked out of a game one of those times. Personally, I think Harris is a bit of a drama queen. I saw the video, and Harris put a little extra mustard on his fall. Also, things had calmed down right after Howard's sneak attack, but Harris still decided to take an extra shot at the dazed Miller after said sneak attack.

Isiah Thomas' grasp on reality continues to weaken: Remember how Isiah was "looking forward" to taking the stand to debunk the "pretty wildly fabricated" sexual harassment allegations levied against him? Er, that didn't work out quite the way he planned. On October 2, 2007, the jury returned a verdict finding Thomas and Madison Square Garden liable for sexual harassment. The jury also levied $11.6 million in punitive damages against MSG. But despite being found exceedingly guilty in a court of law, Isiah was not the least bit humble or repentent: "I'm innocent, very innocent, and I did not do the things she has accused me in this courtroom of doing. I'm extremely disappointed that the jury did not see the facts in this case. I will appeal this, and I remain confident in the man that I am and what I stand for and the family that I have." Uh, yeah, how's that appeal going for you, Isiah?

LeBron gives Cleveland the middle finger: Those looking for evidence that King James is going to bolt for New York at the first possible opportunity need look no further than last October, when Bron Bron was seen in Cleveland rooting for the New York Yankees, and thus against the hometown Indians. Lebron was even wearing a Yankees hat, and fans started jeering him and chanting "Take of the cap!" One fan even screamed "Go to New York, then" (another fan heard that and said "No, no, please don't"). Naturally, the blogosphere went bonkers, calling James things like "traitor" and "betrayer." The thing is, Lebron's allegience had never been in question; he's a lifelong Yankees fan. But it sure would be easier to root for them if he was wearing a New York Knicks or Brooklyn Nets uniform, wouldn't it?

Bulls fans quickly turn on their team: Lofty preseason expectations of reaching the NBA Finals turned to rage and hatred only two games into the season as, during what would become a loss to the Philadelphia 76ers in the Bulls' home opener, Chicago fans started chanting for Kobe Bryant. (At the time, there were, of course, rumors that Kobe wanted to be traded to the Bulls. Oh, how times change.)


Phil Jackson psyches out Mike D'Antoni: It was only the second game of the season, but Suns coach Mike D'Antoni nearly popped a blood vessel after the Zen Master called a timeout immediately after a mandatory Phoenix timeout with 4:45 to play and the Lakers leading 111-81. D'Antoni and Jackson, uhm, "exchanged words."


Said D'Antoni: "You mean the eight minutes he took over there to explain maybe one play that he probably didn't run? Yeah, I was pretty upset. I thought he disrespected our players. But he likes to play mind games, and that's fine. He might want to try to do it in playoff time when we bust them every year. We have them three more times. That's fine." And, for the record, the Suns lost two of those three games and flopped in the first round of the playoffs while the Lakers were cruising to the Finals. I'm not saying that Mike's manic, hyper-sensitive nature is why he couldn't coach the Suns to a title...actually, no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

The Big Tamed Tiger: Things looked pretty bleak for the Miami Heat as they looked to start the season without injured superstar Dwyane Wade. But the Big Braggadocio made some pretty bold promises during the preseason. Specifically, he said he was going to return to his old dominating ways until Wade returned. "As a tamed tiger now, you always go back to what you know, a la Siegfried and Roy. I've been tame the last couple years, but here’s a chance for me to go wild again." Unfortunately for Pat Riley and the Heat, "going wild" meant 14 points and 7 rebounds per game before quitting on his team going down with a hip injury that mysteriously and immediately healed after he was traded to the Phoenix Suns.

Most Volatile Player: Paul Pierce is now, finally and officially, a part of Celtics lore, thanks to an NBA championship and a Finals MVP award. But there was a time, early in the season, when The Truth almost picked a fight with a young fan outside a Toronto night club.

Isiah versus Starbury: Stephon Marbury bailed on the Knicks right before a big road game against the Suns, supposedly because Isiah Thomas was going to yank him from the starting lineup in favor of second-year gaurd Mardy Collins. Starbury blew up on the team plane and reportedly said, "Isiah has to start me. I've got so much (bleep) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (bleep) me. But I'll (bleep) him first. You have no idea what I know." Thomas of course shed absolutely no light on the subject by saying, "That is an in-house matter and we will continue to keep it in-house. Make no mistake about it -- we do want him as a member of this basketball team. He is welcomed back." In the midst of all this dysfunction, the Knicks lost to the Suns 113-102 despite the fact that Steve Nash scored a season-low 5 points on 2-6 shooting.

Phil Jackson thinks "gay" means "funny": I assumed that after whole "Tim Hardaway hates gay people" controversy, somebody as intelligent as Phil Jackson would know better than to make a gay joke during a postgame press conference. Well, I was wrong. After a mid-November loss to the San Antonio Spurs, Jackson said: "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts. It was one of those games." The NBA didn't find the joke funny and reprimanded Jackson, who responded with the following incredibly sincere apology. Note that the Zen Master apparently doesn't understand the meaning of alliteration.


Ha, ha, ha...I hate us: Midway through the first month of the season, Jason Kidd was already opening hating his team to the press. That's the kind of situation that rarely ends well, and sure enough, it didn't. But more on that in an upcoming installment.

The Mavericks continue to struggle with bowel ball movement: I "broke" the story about the Mavs' passing woes, and while it didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time, it had the kind of ominous overtones that suggested the team might, at some point, make a panic trade to address the situation. But more on that in an upcoming installment.

Mike Dunleavy Jr. invokes the name of God: On November 27, 2007, the Pacers got a huge road victory last night, winning 112-110 in Denver. But the officials almost stole the game from them by awarding J.R. Smith three freethrows for swinging out his leg and kicking Mike Dunleavy Jr. on a last-second, desperation shot. That awful call gave Smith a chance to tie the game, but the Nuggets were doomed by a little thing we like to call cheater's proof: Smith hit the first two freethrows, then missed the last one. Said Dunleavy: "What was going through my mind was, 'I'm a Christian, I go to church and God may not be a Pacer fan, but he gives us fairness and he was going to come through. The basketball never lies. I knew he was going to miss one of those, but it should have never got to that point." I hate it when athletes go all God-crazy, especially in this came. I mean, we can all agree that God hates the Pacers, right?

Carmelo Anthony chokes a bitch: 'Melo got ejected with 6:18 remaning in what would become a 127-99 loss to the Lakers for giving Sasha Vujacic a chop block to the throat away from the ball. Anthony claimed it wasn't intentional (but it was) and that Vujacic drew attention to the foul by flopping (which he did, laughably so). Said Vujacic: "I think I've got to give him a DVD of European soccer. Then he can really see flops. I think it was frustration on his part. He's one of the best players in the league. But we did an amazing job on defense against him by double-teaming him -- and that's why he tried to choke me. I was surprised that he grabbed me with his hand." Ha, ha, yeah, you go ahead and try to give Carmelo a soccer DVD and you'll probably get choked again, Sasha. Or at the very least he'll bitchslap you from behind and then run away. Anyway, here's the video:


The Miami Cold, Part I: Minus D-Wade and with Shaq playing like an apathetic senior citizen, the Heat finish November with a 4-11 record in what will, incredibly, be their best month of the friggin' season. Pat Riley not only thought he could do better than most of his players, he said it out loud. To the press. "I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad." Making matters even worse, the Riley and the Heat had to deal with a ridiculous off-court distraction...

Smush's Parking Disaster: After self-combusting last year on the Lakers (prompting Phil Jackson to remove him from the starting lineup 80 games into the season), he was given a new shot at an NBA career in Miami this season... until he physically attacked a female valet over a disputed $12 parking fee. This essentially ended his season with the Heat (the league's worst team), and after a couple month hiatus from playing he was eventually sent to NBA Hell for what probably marks the end of his career. [Submitted and written by Wild Yams.]

Labels: Brad Miller, Chicago Bulls, Isiah Thomas, Lebron James, NBA Worsties