I don't know about you, but it felt like a good day to post videos of Michael Jordan repeatedly jamming wieners into his mouth.

"They plump when you cook 'em!" Tell me that's not a double-entendre...




Note: Have you ever read the textbook definition of "wiener"? Here it is: "A smoked sausage of beef or beef and pork, etc., enclosed in a membranous casing and made in cylindrical links a few inches long." Gak. Yet another reason to never eat a hot dog again.

Labels: Ball Park Franks, Michael Jordan

So... how many more months until NBA 2K11 comes out?
Ever wonder how Jordan would fare in today's NBA? With the hand-checking rules on defense changed so that you are no longer allowed to do everything just short of clubbing your opponent upside the head with an aluminum bat, people have long speculated that Jordan could average 40 or even 50 points per game if he was able to play in today's game during hs prime. Well, here is your chance to find out.

For all the fun I've had playing NBA 2K10, I've always wanted to see more than just a handful of old-school players available, and of course we all have heard by now that 2K Sports is delivering just what we want. NBA 2K11 will feature Michael Jordan with old-school teams, old-school players, and even recreating 10 specific games from Jordan's career. However, this article informs us that 2K Sports is taking a step further. After beating all 10 of NBA 2K11's Jordan challenges, you will have the opportunity to play an offline-only, single player game mode called Creating a Legend.

In this game mode that operate in similar fashion the My Player mode that made last year's game so amazing, you are able to draft a raw rookie version of Michael Jordan onto any current NBA team:

"The idea behind MJ: Creating a Legend is that you're going to step into today's NBA with a rookie Michael Jordan," Boenisch says. "He is rated a 79 overall, which gives you plenty of room to improve, but he has all of the physical tools of Michael as a rookie -- the fast speed, the high jumping, the quickness -- but he lacks a lot of the shooting skills and the offensive and defensive awareness. So you're playing with a raw prospect who can do just about anything, but can't deliver in the clutch just yet.

"And the cool thing about this mode is that you're player-locked to Michael Jordan, so you're kind of recreating the career and the legend of Michael Jordan."

Young Michael Jordan? Getting pissed off at inept teammates and punching them during practice? Making ridiculous buckets look stupidly easy? Getting books written about being such a demanding, overcompetitive asshole? Sign me up!

Also exciting is the news that Jordan's physical appearance will transform as he ages in the game. Adds Boenisch: "When you start out as a rookie, you're going to start out with the short fade, the short little hair. Then as he gets older you're going to see him go with the bald look, then the mustache in the middle years, and his body will bulk up a little bit as he slowly becomes the older Jordan. For fans of Jordan, it's really cool to see the progression and play as Michael and see what it is like to relive that skill that he had to takeover any game."

The game will let you play all the way up from Jordan's rookie year until age 40. I guess this means you won't get to wear Hanes t-shirts under your jersey with a weird little Hitler mustache. Also, you don't get to spend a year and a half playing MLB 2k11 because David Stern suspended you for gambling because you are bored of dominating basketball and want to take a baseball sabbatical. Then again, maybe that's not a bad thing. You also are spared the pain of being majority owner of a fairly crappy expansion franchise -- but, hey, if you want to draft Jordan onto the Bobcats so that he can play for them, be my guest. Just don't come crying to me when Virtual Jordan tells you to get bent and demands a trade after playing with teammates like Erick Dampier and Nazr Mohammed. And if you draft Jordan onto the Washington Wizards, you are a sick bastard.

(And Lord knows what happens if you try to draft him with the poor New Jersey Nets...)

And no, there's no truth to the rumor that the game comes packaged with playing cards, a cigar, and a golf ball. Sorry. We can only hope they include a hidden mini-game where you get to play $10,000-a-hand blackjack in Vegas with Antoine Walker until 'Toine goes broke and goes to the buffet to eat away his sorrows.

Labels: Michael Jordan, NBA 2K11

About two seconds after LeBron James made "The Decision" to pull a Hollywood Hogan on the city of Cleveland so he could team up with the Super Friends of South Beach -- hereafter referred to as "The Nazgul" -- the Internet almost crashed under the electronic weight of newspaper articles and blog posts proclaiming that: Michael Jordan never would have wimped out like that...he wanted to beat his opponents not join them.

Because of course nothing LeBron has ever done or apparently will ever do -- no 50-point performance, no triple-double, no buzzer beater, no playoff performance, and now no contract decision -- is complete until the Michael Jordan comparisons are made. It's like the huge glop of cheese on top of an order of cheese fries. If LeBron's tree falls in the woods, nobody will hear it unless it gets compared to how loud Jordan's tree was when it fell.

Anyway, all that "MJ wouldn't have done that" stuff was all idle speculation until now. The GOAT has spoken:

"There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry, called up Magic and said 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team. But...things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."

So Jordan has officially confirmed what we were all already thinking. Thanks for that, MJ. Personally, I was tired of all that thinking. My brain is more paper weight than functioning organ. Mind you, this latest pronouncement comes on the heels of His Airness stating that (in his opinion) Kobe is better than LeBron.

So...how does it feel under that dogpile, LeBron? Do you have enough, ahem, air in there?

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time MJ has fired a few warning shots across LeBron's bow. This has been forgotten in the annals of NBA lore, but check out Jordan's comments about the soon-to-be-a-rookie version of King James:

"He may think he's great enough to be on this level now. But when he gets on this level and plays against guys who've been competitive and very good on this level, he's going to find it's a big difference from that 5-10 high school kid.

...

"I think he's talented for 18 years old. Once he gets to this level, I don't think he's in the upper echelon of two guards or small forwards. I think he's toward the bottom -- respectively so, because there's so much about his game that he's going to have to adapt to. He has unbelievable potential. I think that's what everybody is looking at, everybody is raving about. But he hasn't played against competition consistently, college or pros. He's played against high school kids ... You have to give that some credence.

"When you look at the skill level and his maturity at his age, he's definitely talented enough. Five years from now? If he takes on the dedication of being the best basketball player he can be, and continues to improve and accept challenges and not get comfortable with what's been given to him or what the expectations may be, he could definitely be a good pro."

Well, I guess MJ was right...LeBron is definately a good pro.

There was also this exchange between MJ and Charles Barkley:

With cigar in hand and sarcasm dripping from his words, Michael Jordan posed a question for Charles Barkley.

"Charles, what would you have done if Pip (Scottie Pippen) and I called you up and asked you to come join us in Chicago?" Jordan asked.

A look of disgust flashed on Barkley's face. Not in a million years, he scoffed, and his colorful language made Jordan smile with pleasure.

It was nothing more than a humorous exchange between close friends on the driving range of the American Century Championship. Yet it spoke volumes of how the NBA's old guard views LeBron James and his ignoble departure to Miami.

"Let me just tell you this," Barkley said. "Mike and I are in 100 percent agreement on this. If you're the two-time defending NBA MVP, you don't leave anywhere. They come to you. That's ridiculous.

"I like LeBron. He's a great player. But I don't think in the history of sports you can find a two-time defending MVP leaving to go play with other people."

Speaking of Sir Charles, The Round Mound had this to say to 790 the Ticket in Miami last week:

"He'll never be Jordan. This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to.

"There would have been something honorable about staying in Cleveland and trying to win it as 'The Man' ... LeBron, if he would've in Cleveland, and if he could've got a championship there, it would have been over the top for his legacy, just one in Cleveland. No matter how many he wins in Miami, it clearly is Dwyane Wade's team."

Just like with MJ, Chuck is simply saying what we were all already thinking. But here's the thing: Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe, in part, this was LeBron's way of saying, "I know I'm not Michael Jordan. And I don't want to try to be Michael Jordan."

Personally, I think LeBron wants to be "Mega Pippen." Back in the day, Scottie Pippen wanted to be considered equal to Michael Jordan without shouldering the responsibility of being Michael Jordan. I mean, he tried (when he wasn't getting a migraine or refusing to check into the game because the game-winning play was written up for somebody else), but Pippen simply wasn't that kind of player. And, frankly, he wasn't Jordan's equal.

However, LeBron is at least D-Wade's equal. And yet now he has a teammate who has killer instinct and championship pedigree. Now, King Crab can do his "a little bit to a lot of everything" act -- ala Pippen -- and potentially turn to Wade when things get ugly. And, as Barkley said, it's always going to be Dwyane's team, so the greatest burden of responsibility will always been on Wade.

At any rate, it all comes back to the same thing, and I've said it over and over on this site: All comparisons between LeBron and MJ should stop immediately (if they haven't already). If not because they were ridiculous to begin wtih, then because LeBron himself made has made "The Decision" not to be like Mike.

Labels: Lebron James, Michael Jordan, The Nazgul

Sad swept bench photo!
The Charlotte Bobcats: Everybody who wondered why I've been so dismissive of the Bobcats as a first round dark horse...

...this is why.

Dwight Howard -- who re-nicknamed himself Foul-On-You -- was limited to 23 minutes and fouled out yet again. What's more, the Magic shot only 41 percent, bricked 12 free throws and scored only 16 points in the paint. It didn't matter. Over the second half of the season, I kept flatly stating that you really don't have to worry about a team whose number two guy is Stephen "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." Jackson.

Sure enough, Big Shot Jack laid an rotten egg (2-for-11 and a game-worst 4 turnovers) and the Bobcats became the only team to get swept out of the playoffs. As always, I'm just sayin'.

"Some advice from a champion to anon-champion? Hit some fucking shots.And no, your Spurs title doesn't count."
Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: On Pumaman's constant foul trouble: "If you would have told me that he would have averaged well under 30 minutes for the series and we would sweep, I would have said you're crazy. I think it's a testament to our other guys." That's right. Credit for Orlando's first round sweep of the Bobcats officially goes to "Everybody not named Dwight Howard."

So, yeah, maybe I was wrong about that Dwight for MVP thing...

The agony of Michael Jordan: I know what you're thinking, MJ, but the answer is: No. NBA teams do not have a 90-day return policy.




Dwight Howard, quote machine: "We're going to be well rested. I'm going to be well rested." Ooooooh, I get it! All those stupid fouls -- 22 in four games, limiting you to about 26 minutes per game -- was strategy. It was all about staying rested. Look out, second round of the playoffs!

Larry Brown, rumor machine: Earlier this season Brown -- who is an NBA coaching gypsy -- was rumored to be considering a job with the Clippers. The latest rumor is that he might bolt for Philadelphia, where his wife and kids live. Brown always seems confused about why these rumors follow him. Well, that's what happens when you're a job jumper, Larry.

Said Brown: "I'm not coaching anywhere but Charlotte. Now am I going to go home and talk to my wife and kids? I'll be 70 years old with two young kids. Am I going to talk to them and find out what I need to do and am I going to talk to Michael? Yeah, absolutely."

See how he's giving himself some wiggle room? Classic Larry Brown.

The Atlanta Hawks: Everybody who wondered why I've been so dismissive of the Hawks as a championship contender...

...this is why.

Everybody got so excited about their season sweep of the Boston Celtics. Well, the Celtics were up and down all year, and the Hawks remain an inconsistent team that sucks on the road. I mean, Atlanta is easily more talented than the Andrew Bogut-less Bucks, right? And yet the series is now 2-2. What sense does that make?

Milwaukee scored 111 points on 55 percent shooting. The Bucks outscored the Hawks 44-26 in the paint despite not having a single inside scoring threat right now. The Atlanteans couldn't stay in front of or keep from hacking John Salmons (10-for-10 from the line), nor could they get a hand in the face of Brandon Jennings (23 points, 9-for-16) or Carlos Delfino (22 points, 6-for-8 from downtown).

Defensive fail. Toughness fail. Everything fail.

Said Joe Johnson: "It's very frustrating, man. We just don't have the toughness. They are getting all the loose balls, all the big rebounds. We can't get stops when we need to and it's killing us."

This is standard operating procedure for the Dirty Birds. Over their past three postseasons, the Hawks are 1-10 on the road, while averaging 80.8 PPG (on 38 percent shooting) and giving up 100.6 PPG (on 48 percent shooting). That's right. They average a 20-point blowout on the road in the playoffs. A sure sign of championship non-contender-ness.

Seriously, what is up with their crappy road play?

Said Jamal Crawford: "I wish I knew. I wish I could figure it out. We're two totally different teams. I think it's been like that in the past for this team. We play well at home, we feed off the crowd, but you can't play every game at home. We have to figure this out. That's what winners do, that's what champions do."

Another sad Blazers bench photo? Our third of the playoffs? Yep.
The Portland Trail Blazers: The Suns now lead this series 3-2, with all three wins being blowouts. The latest was a 107-88 pounding in which Phoenix scored 20 points off 15 Portland turnovers, won the rebounding battle (41-29, including 15-9 on the offensive boards), had a 17-6 edge in fast break points and outscored the Frail Blazers 40-28 in the paint.

Of course, you expect Amar''''''e Stoudemire (19 points, 7-for-11) and Steve Nash (14 points, 9-for-9 from the line, 10 assists) to do damage. What you might not expect is a combined 39 points from Channing Frye and Jared Dudley. The dynamic duo shot 13-for-21 from the field and 8-for-14 from downtown. Thanks to their explosion, the Suns bench outscored the starters 55-52.

Crazy, huh?

Said Nash: "When they get going like that, we're a really good team. I think it's great for their confidence because we have a lot of confidence in them."

As for the Frail Blazers, well, they got caught trying to play Seven Seconds or Less basketball. It worked early on, as Portland started out 7-for-7 and built a 23-9 lead. But going away from you do best while playing to the other team's strength is a dangerous thing...as the Blazers found out.

Said LaMarcus Aldridge: "Even when we were winning, we were playing their game. We were taking quick shots. They were going in so we felt good about it. But it really wasn't our style of play and I think the law of averages caught up. We don't really play that style of play. We should have slowed it down and played more of a halfcourt game."

Brandon Roy: His Game 5 line: 19 minutes, 5 points, 4 fouls, 1 turnover, no assists, 2-for-7 shooting.

Roy blames coming off the bench: "It's hard to get involved. I don't think the guys are quite used to me coming off the bench. It's hard for me to kind of get my touches and get into a rhythm."

Yeah. I'm sure that's it.

Update! Joey Crawford: David Stern won't let me talk about the officiating, so this entry is free of comment, except for thanking the anonymous commenter who posted the link to this video.


Channing Frye, quote machine: "To be honest, if I go 0 for 10, I could care less. It's not going to happen twice. That's how I feel every time I go out there, that it's only going to take one shot for me to get hot."

Steve Nash, quote machine: "They were making everything so it made it feel like we were running uphill, but I just felt like we had to think of this thing as long-term and think of it as the stock market. We're not day traders, we want to be very conservative and long-term in our investment in transition. You've got to stick with it from the start to finish."

J.R. Smith: Yet another reason the Nuggets probably won't make it out of the first round. After all, their X-Factor is also an X-Factor for the other team. For instance:

According to The Denver Post, Nuggets guard J.R. Smith posted a message on his Twitter page Sunday night that read, "You play selfish you lose selfish that's all I'm saying about the game!"

When asked about Smith's tweet, Nuggets interim head coach Adrian Dantley appeared uncomfortable. "What do you want me to say? That he shouldn't have made that comment? I don't know. He shouldn't have made that comment."

Nuggets team leader Chauncey Billups has this to say, "It's frustrating to lose, and people can say what they want, but at any rate, when we win, we win together. ... I don't think we've been specifically selfish."

Smith didn't speak with the media Monday, but did respond to the controversy on his Twitter page and wrote, "yo i got the twitter goons on my back!"

Crazy Kobe fans: This video speaks for itself. And speaks. And speaks. And speaks. Thanks to the anonymous commenter who posted the link.


Lacktion report: chris came through with a surprising amount of lacktion for only three games. Good to see playoff lacktion going strong.

Magic-Bobcats: Closing out this lackluster playoff series with celebration, Ryan Anderson pulled 4.3 (4:19) trillion out of a hat.

For Charlotte, Derrick Brown and Stephen Graham each cued up Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis, with Famicom wizardry: Derrick drilling for just one second at the free throw lane for a SUPER MARIO and Graham crumbling at the sight of a goomba in 55 seconds for a regular Mario! Theo Ratliff's postseason expired with a 5:2 Voskuhl in 7:55 via two boards countered by two bricks and five fouls - three Voskuhls in the four-game series!

Hawks-Bucks: As Atlanta's road woes continue, their traveling lair of lacktion continued to produce - Zaza Pachulia negated a field goal and two boards in 18:54 with four fouls and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl. THE Mario West now has enough money for Virtual Boy repairs with a 1.35 trillion (1:22) and Jeff Teague lived up to his teammate's reputation by tossing a Koopa shell in just 5 seconds for a Super Mario!!!!

Meanwhile, Charlie Bell rang up 50 seconds worth of playing time on the Wii for a Mario that also garnered a +2 suck differential via foul and brick from the Third Ward.

Frail Blazers-Suns: Juwan Howard's crutches needed readjustment, with one made field goal in 8:37 avoiding a fully lacktive evening, only to counter those points with five fouls and a giveaway for a 6:2 Voskuhl.

Earl Clark crunched into the ledger with a two-turnover +2 in 5:39.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Dwight Howard, Michael Jordan, Portland Trail Blazers

LeBron came to Milwaukee to chew bubblegum and kick ass sit on the bench in street clothes
Put on your Snuggie -- it's time for BAD.

And actually, it's almost vacation week for me! I'm out of here after tomorrow night bowling in a tournament in Reno and will be back next week. No, I don't expect to do particularly well, but it'll be a fun vacation. I'm just not looking forward to waiting to see what kind of mood the TSA agent will be when I get to the airport. Hopefully they'll let me bring a couple of my bowling balls on as carry-on luggage to avoid checking them (which costs $50 and puts them at risk of being cracked or damaged). Southwest is fine with it. However, TSA doesn't specifically have any stance on bowling balls, so sometimes they allow it, and sometimes they don't, just depending on the particular TSA agent at the checkpoint. It's a crap shoot. I'm not even going to be in Reno before I have to start gambling!

As noted by AnacondaHL, "It's Monday 2pm EST, you know what that means: MORE NBA JAM VOTING. This week: Lakers, Does voting for Vince Carter mean 2001 Carter, and a hilariously bad list of Wizards"

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I guess we finally have an explanation for why the Bobcats have owned the Lakers -- the power of Ric Flair. Woo

"C'mon! I've got $5000 on this game!!"

Drew Gooden skips right over the facepalm and goes right for the headpalm

Look, two reanimated corpses hanging out together! Can we go ahead and bury them together? Thanks.

"I love your eyes"

Woah! When did The Great One become The Scary Looking One?

Don Nelson reminisces about the two foot sandwich he ate earlier that day

Nothing says "intimidation" quite like a couple Utah Jazz fans

Rick Adelman uses his mind powers to control the refs
Nationally Televised Games:
Spurs at Crabs: LeBron might sit out this game with a sore ankle. Well, I'm sure that will go well. It's not like he's the only source of offense on the Crabs, right?

*crickets*

All The Other Games:
Hawks at Knicks: For whatever reason, the Bricks have managed to beat Atlanta four of their last five meetings. This somehow makes even less sense than the Bobcats owning the Lakers.

Warriors at Hornets: Both of these teams have lost four straight. However, the Warriors are the Warriors, and Don Nelson is Don Nelson, so I think we can declare the Hornets the favorites in this one.

Mavericks at Timberwolves: The Mavs are on an 11-game winning streak, but are playing their third game in four days with a depleted roster. When your winning streak is in doubt, the Timberpoops are here to save the day!

at Grizzlies: Uh oh. The Grizzlies haven't won at home in five weeks. The Nyets have won three consecutive road games. What the hell is going on here? Memphis, PLEASE restore some sense of normalcy! Keep the dream alive!

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Lebron James, Michael Jordan

I don't know about you, but I am in mourning after the US Olympic hockey team squandered an opportunity for gold last night. Zach Parise's overtime-forcing goal with just seconds left in regulation even had my dad (who never watches hockey at all) jumping up and down. Netminder Ryan Miller was playing out of his freaking mind and the US team had tons of momentum. Then they came out in overtime and looked a little sluggish, had a defensive lapse, and Miller let Sidney Crosby score on a relatively soft, sloppy shot. Sonofabitch. Thankfully, since I'm a Penguins fan, I can go back to not hating Crosby starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, the NHL trade deadline looms. I'm still exhausted from covering the NBA's trade deadline. (Thank God I've got a vacation coming up in just a few short days. Hello, Reno!)

In basketball blogosphere news, JE Skeets is leaving Ball Don't Lie. Well, there's one less reason to visit Yahoo. (Sorry, forgot the awful exclaimation mark that makes every sentence featuring that website name feel awkward as a Chuck Hayes free throw. Let's try this again) Yahoo! (Okay, there we go. I feel dirty now.)

Speaking of Ball Don't Lie, here's a story they passed along: Michael Jordan might rename the Bobcats once he completes his purchase of the team. The suggestions by the Yahoo! commentariat are, for the most part, horrifically bad. Anyone here have any good team name suggestions?

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!
What is Scott Skiles doing?

Darko Milicic just makes everything better

"OOOOH I love my Abraham Lincoln neck tattoo!!"

Wow, this is really... awkward. And homoerotic.

This isn't really bawful, but I had to post it:
The Nyets actually successfully executing the high screen!!

Yet another reason to hate the Lakers...

"Look! My best years are way behind us!"

Terrell Owens on Kobe's ice-cold shooting performance:
"That's my shooting guard. *sniffle*"

"Ooh, look at the buns on that one..."
"Yeah, he must work out."
Nationally Televised Games:
Magic at 76ers: I went through every picture from Orlando's Sunday night game, and as surprising as this is, I was not able to find a single picture where icicicles were hanging off the Pumaman's hands. Weird.

All The Other Games:
Bricks at Crabs: Enjoy this one, New York fans. It's the closest you'll get to having LeBron for a long, long while.

Mavericks at Bobcats: The Bobcats have never beaten the Mavericks. Ever. Think about that for a second. That's kind of impressive, actually. You know, in an "impressive as a trainwreck" kind of way.

Spurs at Hornets: Both teams are not performing as well as they'd hoped before the start of the season, and both are 5-5 in their last 10 games. I'm just going to pick the home team on this one and be done with it.

Hawks at Bulls: Every time I see the Bulls' win/loss record, I always have to do a double-take. It seems like it should be a lot worse with their erratic bipolar play, especially considering that early winter stretch of games that was uglier than Joakim Noah's face.

Frail Blazers at Grizzlies: It's been an entire month since the Grizzlies won at FedEx Forum. Doesn't that make FedEx a delightfully ironic sponsor? FedEx delivers, but the Grizzlies sure as hell don't.

Raptors at Rockets: When Chris Bosh is not in the game, I think we can safely resume calling them the Craptors. No hard feelings, Toronto fans. It's just the truth. As Chris noted, "Chris Bosh remains on the shelf, an opportunity for Discount Store to anonymously redeem a coupon good for thirty points."

Nuggets at Suns: Jason Richardson on his blown dunk that effectively destroyed the Suns' chances of victory on Sunday: "I don't like to miss dunks." Really? Insightful.

Jazz at Clippers: Articles referring to the Clippers as "surging" following this game? Zero.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Michael Jordan

Labels: Hall of Fame, Michael Jordan, speeches

I've already described how popular Reggie Miller is with the ladies. And it's a good thing that's the case...because he won't be ready to join the UFC circuit any time soon. It's not surprising, really. The dude's arms look like a couple old pipe cleaners wrapped in boot leather. You know why he teaches children to read? So they'll help him with all the jars he can't open. Look, all I'm saying is that when old ladies see him out in public, they don't ask for his autograph, they offer to help him across the street.

Okay, I'm done. I think. Here's Reggie's most famous fight: a heated donnybrook with Michael Jordan. A major wag of the finger goes to MJ, who resorted to the cat-fighting tactic of trying to claw Reggie's eyes out. Was that really necessary, Mike? I mean, if a 10-year-old picked a fight with me, I wouldn't try to throw dirt in his face or kick him in the junk. That's just wrong.


And because he has to obsessively copy everything Jordan did, Kobe Bryant also picked a fight with Reggie...leading to a testy rumpus in which Austin Croshere almost lost his jersey. Sorry, ladies. I said "almost."

Labels: Austin Croshere, cat fights, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller

Symptoms of Retired Legenditis may include becoming the targetof humiliating banners flown over southern California beaches.
Retired Legenditis (re-tird' lej'-uhnd-it'-is) noun. An acute psychological disorder that causes some (but certainly not all) NBA legends to lose their damn minds during retirement. At best, the ensuing erratic and unpredictable behavior embarrasses both them and their families. At worst, it sullies their legacy forever.

Usage example: Reggie Miller is the latest former NBA great to contract Retired Legenditis.

Word History: The term was coined last night (August 11, 2009) by Statbuster while we were discussing Reggie Miller's very public feud with Alex von Furstenberg, a Malibu surf shop owner and son of fashion legend Diane von Furstenberg. Apparently, Reggie spent several months flirting with von Furstenberg's fiancé -- clothing designer Ali Kay -- which caused von Furstenberg to go apeshit. It probably didn't help that Kay sent Reggie a couple sizzling pics via text message. Restraining orders were filled out by both parties but never filed, and von Furstenberg paid a small plane to fly a banner over the beaches of Malibu to warn Reggie off of married women. Bad times all around.

This mess was of course preceded by Reggie having a tramp stamp tattooed around his belly button and pouring vodka down the gullet of some barely-legal babe while wearing a ghastly sweater vest. Remember when NBA legends retired with dignity?

Oh, right. You probably don't. Not with Charles Barkley getting busted for DUI and then telling the arresting officer "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." (Later at the police station, Sir Charles told another officer "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if he helped "get him out of the DUI.") Oh, and let's not forget Chuck's gambling addiction or that time he had a civil complaint filed against him for a $400,000 gambling debt he accidentally forgot to pay. He also joked about Isiah Thomas' alleged suicide attempt at a press conference (more on that below).

Hey, I guess it's tough being a basketball legend who doesn't play basketball anymore. Julius Erving made a sex tape with a woman who was not his wife, and that tape was mysteriously released during his messy divorce trial. Elgin Baylor spent a couple decades ruining the Clippers. (And after Elgin was FINALLY fired, he filed an employment discrimination lawsuit against the Clippers, team owner Donald Sterling, and the NBA. He alleges that he was underpaid during his tenure with the team and then fired because of his age and race.) Kevin McHale completely McFailed as GM of the Timberwolves. Larry Bird is still running the Pacers into the ground. Magic Johnson made a couple ill-fated comebacks (the second of which featured an ejection and suspension for bumping a referee and then claiming the ref bumped him), embarrassed himself with an ugly 16-game coaching stint with the Lakers (during which the team went 5-11), and then totally bombed as host of The Magic Hour (after which he blamed his failure on a lack of support from African American celebrities).

Michael Jordan completely mismanaged the Washington Wizards (epitomized by his selection of Kwame Brown with the number one overall pick in the 2001 NBA Draft) until he was fired by owner Abe Pollin. The sacking came despite MJ's two-season comeback with the Wiz, during which he "led" the team to back-to-back 37-win seasons and utterly failed to make the playoffs (despite guaranteeing a postseason berth). Things have gone only slightly better with the Bobcats...seeing as how Mike only wasted the third overall draft pick of the 2006 NBA Draft on Adam Morrison. But that's the sole improvement. MJ also likes bumping and grinding with the barely-legals. And here's some more evidence that his divorce didn't exactly break his heart.

And then there's Isiah Thomas. First, he destroyed the CBA. Second, he got fired as coach of the Pacers by his former rival Larry Bird. Then he became GM and later the coach of the New York Knicks...otherwise known as The Greatest Epic Fail in NBA History. Shortly after the Knicks finally canned him, Isiah apparently tried to commit suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills. He then claimed it was his daughter who tried to kill herself. The truth was never made clear, but when asked about the situation during a press conference, Isiah couldn't deny it was a suicide attempt.

The moral of this post? Maybe it's better NOT to become an NBA legend.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Word of the Day

Mike on the proper defensive stance: "What I'm always taught, I was always taught, is to try to be shoulder width apart. I like to put my right foot forward so that I can either direct the defensive player uh offensive player where he wants to go. And I can react a little bit better if I'm not too wide, if I'm just shoulder width apart, I think I can react a little bit easier. If I'm on the ball [sic] of my feet, then I'm active, I can move a lot quicker. If I'm on the heels of my foot [sic], then that means I have to get to the ball [sic] of my feet and then react to the offensive player. Sounds complicated, which is probably why most people [chuckle] don't want to play defense."

Basketbawful recap: Put your right foot forward, keep your feet shoulder width apart, and stay on the balls of your feet. Is that too compicated for people to follow? Only if Michael Jordan's teaching it.

Labels: defense, instructional videos, Michael Jordan

Note: According to YouTube, this video has been viewed over 18,000 times. I'm probably responsible for at least 17,500 of those views.

Labels: bloopers, Michael Jordan, missed dunks

That's Amare: It looks like Amare Stoudemire is having arthroscopic knee surgery today. The Suns are insisting that this is a simple procedure, and that Stoudemire will (probably) miss only two to three weeks and still be ready for the season opener on November 1. It's a pretty ominous portent for the Suns' championship aspirations, though. Kind of like the how the human finger I found in my Fruity Pebbles this morning was a portent of a bad breaksfast. Anyway, think the Suns want to punch Shawn Marion's "Get Out Of Phoenix Free" card now? Sorry, Lakers fans; you won't be getting Marion of the Suns' value menu.

Free Agent Jackpot: Apparently, Gilbert Arenas isn't that impressed by the Celtics' offseason moves. In fact, he's predicting imminent doom when the Wizards travel to Boston for the C's home opener. That's because Washington countered the Kevin Garnette / Ray Allen acquisitions by signing their own "Little Three": The pitifully ancient and herertofore retired Tony Massenburg, Jamon Gordon (who?), and Willie Deane (who??).

For the record, Massenburg last played in 2004-05, averaging 3.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 37 games for the Spurs. But I hear he waves a mean towel, so good pickup for the Wiz. Gordon is an undrafted rookie from Virginia Tech; he averaged 11.4 PPG, 4.5 RPG, and 4.5 APG as a senior last year. (Did you hear that? It's the sound of nobody in Boston giving a crap.) Most mystifying of all is the Deane signing. He graduated from Purdue in 2003 but went undrafted. According to his NBA.com prospect profile, Deane 17.8 PPG and 5.1 RPG during his senior season, and even "erupted" for a career-high 36 points against Michigan. Impressive. I doubt he'll play much, but having an extra "Willie" on your roster never hurts.

Michael Jordan has the power: BusinessWeek released a list of the 100 Most Powerful People in Sports. NBA commissioner David Stern came in third, behind both NFL commissioner Roger Goodell (1) and Tiger Woods (2). No surprises there. What did come as a surprise is that Michael Jordan was number 11.

Jordan is a part owner and "Managing Member of Basketball Operations" for the Charlotte Bobcats. Let me highlight the "Charlotte Bobcats" part of that last sentence. That kind of "power" wouldn't get you a handout on the street, even if you were missing both legs and had a sign that said "Jesus luvs you." It's also important to note that, after Jordan was fired by the Washington Wizards, no legitimate NBA would touch him with a 10-meter cattle prod. Make no mistake: Charlotte hired him because they needed money and Jordan had it to spend. The power he wields within the confines of his sport is negligible at best.

But according to BusinessWeek: "No athlete -- active or retired -- has a higher Q Score than his Airness." The Q Score is a way to measure the familiarity and appeal of a brand, company, celebrity, cartoon character or television show. So okay, Jordan can sell stuff; we already knew that. But how, exactly, does that translate to power in sports? Remember, this is the same guy who drafted Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison, failed spectacularly as both a player and an executive for the Wizards, and didn't even get voted onto the All-Star team during his final "farewell tour" season. That all sounds pretty weak to me.

Other notable NBA power brokers: Lebron James (19), Jerry Reinsdorf (47), Mark Cuban (50), Shaq (78), Kobe Bryant (88), Yao Ming (89), and Magic Johnson (95).

"Hey, I look...pretty gay right now."

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Jordan, NBA, Phoenix Suns, Shawn Marion, Tony Massenburg, Washington Wizards

Sometimes, something happens in your life that reminds you there are still some good folks walking amongst us in the human race. That happened to me, Evil Ted, over the summer.

But let me take you back: years ago, I would annually attend one of my local art fairs. One of those years, I met Jerome Fulton, an artist whose work drew me immediately for its unique style, not to mention it's basketball angle. Jerome would take pro basketball imagery and integrate it into his painted outdoor scenes...tough to explain, easier to show...

Here's one of Jordan, rightfully head and shoulders above Barkley and Rodman.
One year, I said to Jerome "You should do that with Larry Bird. It's a perfect style, with Larry being a country boy from Indiana and all." (I quietly added "and with me being a huge Larry Bird fan and all."). Jerome told me to find him some cool pictures of Larry, and said he might give it a try. On the off chance that something would come of it, I noted Jerome's address on my receipt, left the pictures in his mailbox, and forgot about it.

Jerome disappeared from my local art fair very soon after, moving on to bigger and better things. Then, one day a few months ago, I received a call. It was Jerome. After lo those many years, he re-opened an envelope he hadn't touched since after he had first received it. Inside, he found those Larry Bird pictures, a note from me, and some inspiration. The rest is history.

On the phone, Jerome told me of an art fair where he was presenting that weekend, and he wanted me to have the original painting he had made from the pictures I had left in his mailbox so long ago. I was stunned and thrilled.

"Art In Motion"
Look close and you'll see Larry and Magic fighting for position on the lower right, Larry and Dr. J on the lower left (Basketbawful loves the image of Larry grabbing at Dr. J's wrist, as it shows some of the "dirty work" Larry had to do). What does Mona Lisa have to do with basketball? Beauty. Art. The art of the game. Call it what you want. Larry's playing was a work of art to me, so the connection easily holds up.

Thanks to Jerome. And to the rest of you bawful readers out there, I hope you have the good fortune to come across at least one Jerome in your lifetime.

Jerome (http://www.fultonsart.com/) told me he would manage to ship orders to anyone who is interested in purchasing a print. And if you tell him Evil Ted sent you, he will give you a whopping zero percent discount.

Ok, time for me to slither into a corner, weep like an infant, and watch Little House on the Prairie.

Labels: Jerome Fulton, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan

shug (shug) noun. A simple gesture of good will that begins as a handshake and seamlessly transitions into a hug-like, semi-embrace. This act should last no more than one to three seconds, and it is often accompanied by a firm slap on the back and whispered words of affection, encouragement, or challenge. Also referred to as a "man hug," this gesture is used both as a pre-game greeting and as a sign of post-game celebration (with a teammate) or courtesy (for an opponent).

Usage example: Today's NBA players always shug before the opening tip.

Word Trivia: I could write an expansive list that outlines the do's and don'ts of shugging another man, but what's the point? Let your schlong be your guide, my friends. If your Buster McThunderstick remains as cold and unmoving as an ancient Egyptian obelisk, then all is well. If, however, your purple-headed meat scepter begins to shrivel and squirm around like a kitten dropped into a bucket of acid, then something has gone terribly wrong and the shug should be aborted immediately (if not sooner). In case you're a eunuch, here are a few simple examples that may assist you in future shugging endeavors.

Wrong: The following shug starts out with far too much intimacy. Gazing longingly into another dude's eyes is more like the prelude to sweaty, man-on-man action than a stouthearted sign of virile camaraderie.

"I'll never forget those sunny Dallasdays...or those hot Dallas nights."
Right: You can see that Manu Ginobili is about to slap Tony Parker on the back -- always a plus -- and that his eyes are rolled up in a disdainful look of "I do not enjoy touching other men in this way, but sportsmanship demands it." This is a textbook shug.

"I am doing this only because I must."
Wrong: Here Kevin Willis commits the cardinal sin of shugging: Going too far too fast into a double-armed bunny hug complete with his head dipping down onto Tim Duncan's shoulder. You can tell Tim is trying to disassociate himself from this womanly act, as well he should.

"Uh, you need to get off me man..."
Right: Michael Jordan wasn't just one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history, he was also one of the best shuggers of all time. Notice that his hands never open during the shug; they remain resolute fists of fury that can, if needed, be used to bludgeon his fellow shuggee into a shapeless, pulpy mass. Note also that he's sharing a few words with Reggie Miller, probably something along the lines of "I hope you're ready for a serious ass-kicking."

"You know I have to kick your ass now, right?"
Wrong...and right: This is a full-bodied, head-gripping embrace between Kobe Bryant and former teammate Robert Horry wacko-madman Stephen Jackson. This is about as wrong as a shug can possibly get, short of the two men actually grinding their genitals together. However, astute observers will notice that Kobe is clearly wracked with anguish and (!!) crying. And there's everything right about that.

"It's so cold. Please hold me."

Labels: Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Willis, Kobe Bryant, manliness, Manu Ginobili, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Word of the Day

Allan Houston. Charles Oakley. Penny Hardaway. Reggie Miller. These and other former All-Stars are either making a comeback or are thinking about making a comeback. Even Greg "Dancing Queen" Ostertag is contemplating a return to the NBA, and he wasn't any good to begin with.

Nostalgia is fun. It's why we hang on to old toys and watch ESPN Classic. Spiderman #300 is a collector's item, but that's not why I keep it sealed in a plastic bag and stored inside a moisture-protected box. I do all that so I can see Spiderman punch Green Goblin* in the face any time I want. Reliving our happiest memories is one of the highlights of human existence, so it's totally natural to get excited when a living legend crawls out of the mothballs. Although he retired in 1973, Wilt Chamberlain made an annual "I just might come back someday" announcement up through the late 80s...and people would wet themselves every single time. Seriously, stock prices for adult diapers would skyrocket whenever Wilt did a television interview.

We all want to see the great ones play again, but once the initial nostalgic blitz fades, we're left with one incontrovertible fact: Comebacks never end well. Not for George Mikan (who averaged 10 PPG and lasted half a season), or Bob Cousy (who scored 0.7 PPG and lasted only seven games), or Dave Cowens (who averaged 8 PPG in 40 games), or even Michael Jordan** (who compiled a 74-90 record and zero playoff appearances in two seasons with the Wizards).

I guess Magic Johnson did "okay" in '96 -- 14 PPG, 7 APG, 6 RPG, 32 games, and a first round playoff exit -- but he came back fat and sassy; his once-slender body was covered in 40 pounds of excess blubber, he feuded with his younger teammates, and he even got suspended for chest-bumping an official. Watching the greatest point guard of all time play power forward and waddle up and down the court -- leading my college roommate to quip "Hey, the Lakers are running the FAT BREAK!!" -- ruined about 50 percent of my childhood memories. (The other half were ruined when I accidentally walked in on my grandparents playing "Queen of Pain." Don't ask).

Which brings me to my next point. I don't know what's more depressing: Watching formerly great players come back and fail, or watching them transmogrify into disgusting fatties. What exactly happens when NBA players retire? Do they invest their entire pension on Twinkies and Moon Pies? According to sports-nutrition and weight-loss experts, the answer is obvious: Active athletes need more calories than they get, while retired athletes gobble up more calories than they need. Ex-pros transform into lumbering ham monsters the same way the rest of us do: Too much food, not enough exercise.

Magic and Charles Barkley are prime examples of this. If you ever watch the TNT Pregame Show and Halftime Report, you'll notice those guys are always on opposite ends of the broadcasting table. That's to keep the studio from tipping over. Even Michael Jordan's getting into the fat act; last season he was spotted in a skybox at a nationally televised Bulls game sporting a tragic yellow turtleneck and a jiggly paunch. And let's not forget Larry Legend. This picture was taken at a Celtics/Pacers game last November.

Why, Larry? Oh god, why?
Brett over at The Association thought it was a fat guy in a Larry Bird costume. I can only wish that was true. It's all there: The turtleneck (which people apparently think is some sort of "fat camouflage"), the double-chin, the 12-pack abs. Holy god, his head is so bulbous his hair doesn't even fit on it anymore. I didn't know that was even possible. WTF??

There's a simple answer. Larry's a junk food junkie. This is obvious from the products he endorses. Take this old commercial for Lay's brand Potato Chips. The premise is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar bets Larry that he can't eat only one lard-soaked grease chip. And of course he can't. This commercial also introduces us to the nameless horror of Larry Bird's bald head.


There are others, but my personal favorite is a McDonald's clip for the "Big 33" burger. The commercial opens with Bird citing his height and what we must assume was his playing weight, and explaining that he's a "big guy" and an "awful big eater." Next, Larry confides that he loves "hambuggers," which is why he typically eats six regular burgers and/or three Quarter Pounders in a single sitting. He then introduces us to his personalized burger: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese that's wrapped in bacon and soaked in barbeque sauce. Finally, we're treated to a montage of Larry stuffing his face full of Big 33 burgers, followed by glowing praise delivered in his trademark Midwestern drawl: "Purty tastee."


The burger, or bugger, actually doesn't look half bad. I'm sure that it is, as Bird helpfully pointed out, pretty tasty. But that doesn't mean you have to eat a plateful of them. I don't know. The greats ones are always described as having a burning hunger for winning. Maybe it's just a burning hunger, period. I can only hope that Larry, Magic, and the others hook up with the NutriSystem Diet. Hey, it worked for Dan Marino.

* Spiderman actually punched Venom in the face in issue 300. I just wanted to say Green Goblin.

** Let's get something straight: I don't count Jordan's first comeback as a true "comeback." Mike took a year off in his prime and came back in his prime. That's not a comeback, it's a vacation.

Labels: Charles Barkley, comebacks, fat guys, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Wilt Chamberlain

Here's a hypothetical situation for you:

1. Your old man is the most famous basketball player of all time.

2. As a consequence, you're filthy freaking rich.

3. Oh, and you're high school age.

Now let me ask you this: Think you might go out and do a little partying? Yeah, I thought so. Apparently Michael Jordan's sons are just like you and me...and they have gone wild. MediaTakeOut has published photos of Marcus Jordan smoking, drinking beer, and passed out in a puddle of his own puke involuntary personal protein spill. There are also several photos of Jeffrey "dancing suggestively" with various hot babes and eyeing a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Oh. My. God. I can hardly stand it.

Maybe their parents' divorce is hitting them harder than we thought, or maybe they're just normal kids doing normal, stupid kid things. I'll let you be the judge.

He's...dancing with a girl! Scandalous!!

Labels: kids gone wild, Michael Jordan

Remember those awesome "Nothin' But Net" commercials where Larry Bird and Michael Jordan played HORSE for a Big Mac? Of course you do, but here's a reminder anyway...


McDonald's is in negotiations to remake the commercial, only with current stars Dwyane Wade and Lebron James instead of Larry and Michael. "The idea is to contemporize 'Nothin' but Net' to 2007 and make it relevant for the two best players in the NBA today and fit their personalities and relationship," said Bill Lamar, chief marketing officer for McDonald's USA.

The two best players in the NBA? That's an interesting statement, considering that neither of them are being seriously considered for this year's MVP award. And, given his string of 50-point games this season, I'd say Kobe is a step or two ahead of them in the "best player" race. Maybe what Lamar should have said is the two most marketable players in the NBA today. Because they aren't the best players (although they're at least in the discussion), or even the best shooters (and not even close on that count). I'd be much more interested in seeing a HORSE shootout between Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki (the MVP frontrunners and 50+ percent shooters), or even Nash and Kobe, whose relative values are continuously debated by NBA fans and analysts.

But instead, we'll be forced to watch two players with clunky, inconsistent jumpers both shooting and (probably) swishing one ridiculous shot after another, even though we all really know they can't shoot that well. Bird, obviously, always had a fantastic outside shot, and by 1993 Jordan had transformed himself into one of the best shooters in the game (inside the arc, anyway), so the original commercials kind of made sense. The new one (as proposed) doesn't, except from a marketing standpoint. So while the goal is to capture the spirit of the original commercial, they really won't be able to with the players they've chosen.

Labels: commercials, Dwyane Wade, Larry Bird, Lebron James, McDonald's, Michael Jordan

I've already reminisced about the NBA on NBC, which was a huge part of what made me love basketball in the early to mid-90s. This was (to me) their best and most iconic intro: Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan passing the ball back and forth to the Roundball Rock theme. Still gives me the chills...

Labels: Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, NBA on NBC