Hey all, I didn't know if Bawful was going to get a chance to give a how-you-doin, so I thought I'd give y'all a quick post-Traveling nugget of enjoyment today. Can't go wrong with Onion sports. Well, you can, but not usually.
Today's "Lockout Positive" feature highlights a good thing that will result from the current NBA lockout. Hmmm, I smell a series here that could mesh well with my fiction sensibilities...
Anyway, Lockout Positive #234 (I'm sure we could do an entire countdown to #1 with plenty of time to spare, given how much confidence I have in David Stern to compromise) is that Timmy Duncan will have tons more time to develop and nurture platonic relationships with women.
Wilt, eat your heart out.
Today's "Lockout Positive" feature highlights a good thing that will result from the current NBA lockout. Hmmm, I smell a series here that could mesh well with my fiction sensibilities...
Anyway, Lockout Positive #234 (I'm sure we could do an entire countdown to #1 with plenty of time to spare, given how much confidence I have in David Stern to compromise) is that Timmy Duncan will have tons more time to develop and nurture platonic relationships with women.
Wilt, eat your heart out.
Labels: The Onion, Tim Duncan
Schrodinger's playoff team (schruh'-deeng-uhz pla'-of teem) noun. Term describing a playoff team which exists in a state being simultaneously dead and alive.
Usage example #1: While the series was still anyone's to take, that Duncan three turned the Suns into a Schrodinger's playoff team.
Usage example #2: Game 1 against Cleveland confirmed Chicago's status as a Schrodinger's playoff team.
Word trivia: A higher-than-usual-brow hat-tip to the famous Schrodinger's cat thought experiment. For the NBA Playoffs, it would describe the state of a team being alive in the playoffs, yet simultaneously dead due to whatever reason. Thus by definition, a Game 7 or series ending game does not generate a Schrodinger's playoff team, as the state of said team would clearly be defined as dead, perhaps in a different form of denial such as a playoff apocalypse. Conversely, many Schrodinger's playoff teams are defined just before or after a Game 1 of a series, in high correlation with the series win percentage of the first game winner.
Fans of a Schrodinger's playoff team generate this quantum superposition by attempting to objectively reason how their team still has a chance to win the series, etc. In other words, they can figuratively not observe the contents of the "box" by denial or some other mechanism, thus creating the simultaneous states. As more losses accumulate and a hopeless enviroment begins to affect the system, a Schrodinger's playoff team shifts towards a more typical "dead man walking" team, a subtle yet distinct difference.
Further Usage: I suppose the term could be generalized and expanded, such as a Schrodinger's playoff franchise (e.g. Jazz, Phoenix), or even simply a Schrodinger's NBA team (e.g. Pacers post-2004), further investigations are suggested.
Additional Notes: No, I don't know where you can purchase a LeBron James geiger counter.
Additional Notes #2: Yes, the Duncan 3 still haunts my dreams. I'm not even going to post the YouTube of it because it makes me sadface.
-AnacondaHL
Labels: Chicago Bulls, guest author, Phoenix Suns, quantum mechanics, Schrodinger's cat, Tim Duncan, Utah Jazz
Sorry, but I had to open strong today. Gotta celebrate since I bowled my fourth sanctioned 300 game last night in league. What makes it even better is that my dad rolled his first 300 game last week in the same league! I'm really proud of him. And I can't think of any better way to celebrate (other than partying with Turkoglu) than watching the video for The Humpty Dance again. Yeah, I'm a little bit pissed they for some reason bleeped out the classic "Burger King" reference, but whatever.
It's nice to know I'm not alone on this one... Not only did Bawful pass along his respect for Tim Duncan in last night's BAD comments, but now Sports Illustrated's fantastic Joe Posnaski has written a counterpoint to Dan Shaugnessy's ridiculous article I wrote about yesterday. Stats don't always tell the whole story, but they go a long way in many discussions, and this is one such example. Duncan is a basketball machine, and that's all there is to it.
Worst of the Night in Pictures:
Warriors at Jazz: A chance to see Don Nelson on ESPN? Count me in!
All The Other Games:
Lakers at Hawks: Will the Lakers actually give a shit? (shakes Magic 8 ball) Sources point to "no."
Bucks at Crabs: Forget that piece of crap 3D movie. The REAL Clash of the Titans is here: The Fish versus King Crab!
Clippers at Raptors: B-Dizzle will miss this game. Without the strength of his beard, the poor Clippers have a tough battle ahead. Not that they wouldn't anyway, but still.
76ers at Bobcats: This theoretically should be a relatively easy game for the Bobcats. But then again, this is the team that dropped two to the Nyets, so I can't put anything past them.
Thunder at Celtics: After that
Heat at Pistons: It's so cold in the D, even when the Heat come to town.
Suns at Nyets: If the Nyets win this game, I'm going to start a new business selling hot coffee and ice skates in Hell.
Mavericks at Grizzlies: I didn't realize that the Mavs were just one game away from notching their tenth-consecutive 50 win season. Holy crap. That's pretty impressive, really. Nice to have a little anti-bawful every once in awhile!
Rockets at Spurs: Conversely, the Spurs are looking at potentially ending their own 10-season 50 win streak this year. (And for reference, the Showtime era Lakers are the only other team to do that!) Hopefully the Spurs show up feeling like they have something to prove after that abomination of a game against the Nyets...
Bricks at Frail Blazers: Well, now that Eddy Curry has officially been ruled out for the rest of the season, the rest of the Bricks can fine-tune their gameplan and start winning. Right? (Wrong.)
Labels: Bawful After Dark, Tim Duncan, Vinny Del Negro
The San Antonio Spurs: Nothing makes a team look old and creaky quite like facing a young, running, gunning team on the road on the second night of back-to-backs. And that's exactly what happened to the "new-look" Spurs last night.
Sure, Tim Duncan (28 points, 16 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 3 blocks) tortured the Bulls like they had just cut off his mom's head, Mrs. Voorhees-style. But the rest of the Spurs? Well, if you're a San Antonio fan, watching them get walked all over by a less-talented Bulls team had to be almost as disturbing as these Robert Pattinson underwear:
On the subject, come on, Twighlight fans. Is this kind of stuff really necessary? Isn't it bad enough that your beloved book-turned-movie series has finalized the emasculation of the American vampire -- which was begun by Anne Rice, by the way -- turning the former terrifying creatures of the night into day-walking teddy bears who spend more time planning for the prom than kicking ass without plastering your hunky star's vamp face onto the casing intended for a male crotch? Why not just write some fan fiction where Edward blows somebo...oops, too late.
How did all this start, anyway? Oh, right. So the Spurs not named Tim Duncan sucked ass last night. Tony Parker (former Finals MVP) and Manu Ginobili (who really, really needs to just shave his damn head) combined to shoot 7-for-22. The team was slaughtered on the offensive boards in the first half, giving up 10 for 19 second-chance points going Chicago's way. For the game, the Bulls (a notoriously bad rebounding team last season) outrebounded the Spurs 52-44 (including 15-8 on the offensive glass) and had a 23-12 edge in second-chance points.
Despite Ducan's 13-for-19 performance, the Spurs shot 42 percent for the game, 19 percent from downtown (4-for-21) and only 65 percent from the line (15-for-23).
Richard Jefferson: He was San Antonio's biggest offseason acquisition...and through two games, he's their biggest bust. This went somewhat unnoticed because the Spurs thrashed the Hornets on opening night, but Jefferson stunk it up in his first game for his new team (5 points, 1-for-7). He wasn't much better in his second game, scoring only 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting. I understand that it's going to take him time to adjust to Pop's system, but Jefferson has looked like a poor fit so far.
John Salmons: The Fish Man is supposed to be the Bulls' replacement for Ben Gordon (and Gordon's 20+ points per game). Well, Chicago fans who freaked out when management let Gordon walk had their fears partially justified last night. Salmons went 3-for-15 from the field and 1-for-9 from three-point range. It was like Gordon had left behind his shot selection but not his shot-making ability. For John's sake, let's, uh, hope it was the San Antonio defense.
Greg Oden: Last night featured a classic Greg Oden game. Minutes limited by foul trouble? Check. (22 minutes, 5 fouls) Limited offense? Check. (6 points, 2-for-5 shooting) Enough rebounding and shot-blocking in abbreviated PT to seemingly justify the continuing myth that Oden could be a elite center? Check. (9 boards, 2 blocks) But still, that's pretty disappointing for a former number one overall pick's third season, right?
But wait, there's more. With Portland trailing 95-94 with five seconds left, Greg stepped up to the line with a chance to tie the game or give his team the lead. And he shanked 'em both. Oh dear, free throw fail. And, yeah, it kinda cost his team the game. Said Oden: "This is a tough one. I definitely stepped up there with confidence thinking I was going to hit both and it didn't go that way. I put this loss on me. I need to step up and make those."
The Portland Trail Blazers: Don't put 100 percent of this loss on Oden, though. The Blazers shot 34 percent from the field. It's a little hard to win when you shoot that poorly, especially when your top two players (Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge) combine to go 10-for-31. So I'm wagging my finger at the whole team here.
Nate McMillan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: This nomination comes from Alex B., who lives all the way in Romania. After his team lost last night, Nate paid some unintentionally dirty homage to Carmelo Anthony's 41 points: "The guy showed tonight what he's all about. [The Nuggets] basically gave him the ball and rode him."
The Official (Short) Lacktion Report (by Chris): No night is too brief for lacktion:
Spurs-Bulls: Theo Ratliff's unproductive stint expired after 2:43, but not before he dropped down a foul for a +1 suck differential, also good for the very first Madsen-level Voskuhl of the year at 1:0!
Nuggets-Blazers: While the living embodiment of Geritol bricked from the charity stripe, Denver's Malik Allen mushroomed into a four-second Super Mario!!!!!!
Labels: Chicago Bulls, creepy underwear, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan
There has been a long delay in completing the Livin' Large Epilogue, and the feelings about that seem to be ranging from "disappointed" to "hostile." But here's the deal: I have to undergo semi-emergency eye surgery tomorrow. The doctor says it'll take me about a week to recover.
So here's my ironclad promise. The Livin' Large Epilogue will be published by the end of next week...no matter what. That's the best I can do under the circumstances.
Labels: Karl Malone, Livin' Large, Tim Duncan
No, no, no, Timmy. The correct call was "Right hand Genitals." KG wins.
Thanks to Sky Flakes for the picture.
Thanks to Sky Flakes for the picture.
Labels: All-Star Game, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Twister
The Suns versus the Mavericks: My oh my how things have changed. It seems like ancient history now, but does anybody remember when the Mavs and Suns were tearing up the league just two seasons ago? Their two-team regular season tour de force climaxed in an epic double-overtime showdown on March 14, 2007. Dirk Nowitzki finished with 30 points, 16 rebounds and 6 assists, but Steve Nash showed him up with 32 points, 16 assists, 8 rebounds. More importantly, Nash scored 10 points in the final minute of regulation, capped by a game-tying 3-pointer with 2.7 seconds left. Honest-to-goodness, that was The Game of the 2006-07 season. The regular season, anyway. But, as everyone knows, the Mavs got upset in the first round of the playoffs by the Golden State Warriors, while the Suns got knocked out by the San Antonio Spurs thanks to some untimely suspensions.
It's been all downhill from there.
Both teams have fallen from being the class of the Western Conference to fighting for table scraps at the bottom of the playoff contender dog pile. And last night's 112-97 stinker was yet another reminder that what was once so amazing is now just an awkward, fumbling heap of mediocrity. It's like watching two over-the-hill porn stars making the beast with two backs. I literally couldn't make myself watch the game for more than a few minutes at a ime. Every time I turned it on, something I saw pissed me off. Like as Shaq's lumbering in the post/clogging of the lane. At one point, I flipped to the game and saw Amare Stoudemire blow a dunk and then, on the very next possession, watched Nash dish a turnover on a pick-and-roll. I blacked out at that point and woke up covered in blood with somebody's finger in my mouth. Best not to ask questions.
And kudos to Terry Porter for killing the transition game in the name of defense. The ne attitude sure is working out, isn't it? Dirk blew up on them for 39 (and might have had 50 if the game hadn't been a blowout). Dwyane Wade wacked 'em for 43 and Devin Harris spilled 47. Said Porter: "We haven't done a good job of taking the challenge and guarding their guys. There's no doubt we'll get better." No doubt, Terry? No way. I have doubt. Lots of it.
After last night's game, Nash said last season "feels like six years ago" and added "Right now, we're in a dark place." Thoroughly depressing stuff.
Amare Stoudemire and the Phoenix front court: From Wild Yams: "Amare needs to probably get a mention for tomorrow's WOTN for his 5 rebounds tonight. At least he didn't have more fouls (5) or turnovers (4) than rebounds tonight, but it was damn close. Just like yesterday though, the whole Phoenix frontcourt deserves to be taken to task. For the second straight game, Matt Barnes led the Suns in rebounds (with 6), and Shaq and Amare combined for only 10 boards in 59 minutes of playing time. Not only were they outboarded by Shawne Williams, a SF off the bench (12 boards in 26 minutes), but also by one of Shaq's favorite targets for ridicule: 'Erika' Dampier (14 boards in only 25 minutes). If the Suns keep this up they're gonna finish near the bottom of the league in rebounding; and it's tough to imagine a team that is routinely led in boards by Matt Barnes making the playoffs."
I couldn't agree more, even if you'd managed to insult Kobe in that paragraph of woe. However, you omitted a few important factoids. Like how Stoudemire had FOUR of his shots blocked. Or how Shaq took the previous night off so he'd be fresh for the Mavs game...then shot 1-for-6. Oh, and let's not overlook the fact that Stoudemire -- who regarding Terry Porter's edict that the Suns improve on defense said "We wanted this" -- was the guy defending Nowitzki. If you can call "standing around listlessly just kinda hoping Dirk would miss" playing defense. Seriously, I could not have been more disgusted if Amare showed up drunk at my house and threw up on me.
Robin Lopez: Two words: Four trillion. Another wasted draft pick for the Suns. Too bad they didn't take, say, Mario Chalmers or Ryan Anderson or George Hill or Luc Mbah a Moute (sorry, make that Jean Luc Richard).
Al McCoy, the human pain pill: Basketbawful reader Clifton let's us know how McCoy -- the "Voice of the Suns" for 620 KTAR in Phoenix -- helped him get through last night's debacle:
Re: The Suns, and wheels becoming dislodged. Tonight they had both Nash and Shaq... wonder what the excuse will be this evening? I saw elsewhere that Robin Lopez trillionated tonight. Sigh.And your comments almost got me through it too. Almost.
I was listening on the radio at work, and midway through the third quarter, when Dirk Nowitzki scored his 36th and 37th points, Al McCoy dropped this gem (not verbatim, but close): "Novinsky inside, and he scores! Wow. 37 for Novinsky tonight. I tell ya, Tim, it sure seems like the Suns catch a lot of these players when they're having career nights lately," speaking to color 'analyst' Tim Kempton. Tim mumbled some response about bad luck.
First of all, Al has always called Nowitzky "Novinsky." Shrug. But moreover, I've been listening to Al McCoy call Suns games since I was in the womb. On the surface, sure, that SEEMS like a Captain Oblivious statement. However, Al can get bitingly sarcastic when things aren't going so hot for "the Purple Gang," and his tone and timbre change just ever-so-slightly when he's being this way. The above statement was one of these references. S'why I love Al McCoy. He's as big a fan as the rest of us schmoes, and manages to find a loophole in his professionalism to vent his frustrations. I got it; Tim Kempton didn't.
You can also tell when he's making a comment about the officiating -- usually after the Suns have been boned repeatedly in that department -- right when an official is in front of the announcers' table (when they're courtside, anyway); he raises his voice a little and enunciates more clearly, as if speaking to a retard. He'll suddenly change track right in the middle of a thought and blurt out, "But you know, Tim, the Suns have only been to the free-throw line four times tonight...while The Jazz Have Gone Fifteen Times...THAT'S QUITE A DISCREPANCY."
Seriously. Al almost made tonight's game bearable. Almost.
Denver Nuggets: Yes, Chauncey Billups has made them better. No, they are not contenders. I'm glad we've gotten that out of the way. Now, to let you know how our readers feel about it, here's Sam Sung: "Alright, I just got done watching the first half of the Nuggets-Spurs game. I think it should be a rule, if your team is down by 20 points you should automatically have to boo. Also, does George Karl ever call a timeout? We were down 18 points and the camera zooms to Karl and he is at his usual spot...on the bench. I think George Karl is the only paid fan in basketball. I don't want my ball club paying for someone to sit in their chair and watch a game. The game is about to come back on and I'm sure Karl never left his seat." Speaking of George...
George Karl, excuse machine: "To me you had a very angry team, a very mad team and we were a happy team. Arrogance, cockiness, happiness, contentment, they're all different, there are very thin lines and tonight we probably thought we were a little bit better than we were and we got embarrassed. Not embarrassed, but we got beat." No, Karl, you were right the first time: You guys got embarrassed. At home, no less. But at least your team is happy. They've got that going for them.
Chauncey Billups, stat curse machine: After the Nuggets extincted the Raptors, Mr. Big Shot said: "Throughout the season you usually get two or three of those games. Unfortunately, you usually get two or three on the other side, those games where nothing really works." STAT CURSE. After his team got it handed to them by the Spurs, Billups said: "I might have talked it up on us, I don't know. That was an ugly game. Games like that you have to wash them off in the shower and just forget about them as soon as possible. They picked us apart. They just outplayed us all over the place." Scrub hard, Chauncey. Scrub hard.
Kenyon Martin: Owned. Owned. Owned. Let me say it again. Owned. As Raza put it: "Since K-Mart said after the Nuggets beat the injury-ridden Spurs the classic quote "I don't let Tim do what he wants to do. Never have and never will," I was hoping you guys would bring up Duncan's stat line tonight (21 points, 12 rebounds, 7 assists, 5 blocks, and a steal) to go with that idiotic quote." Consider it done, Raza.
Mike Dunleavy: Maybe he's just bitter, or maybe he's trying to draw some attention away from his awful coaching, but Dunleavy called Dwyane Wade a cheater the other day. No, really. "His ability to carry the ball right now, he's getting away with that," Dunleavy said. "He [carries] left to right, right to left, but he just does it fast so nobody sees it, I guess." And I guess the Clippers are doing so well this season that Dunleavy can take time off from coaching to campaign against the D-Wade Palming Menace. Thanks for working so hard to make the world a better place, Mike.
Channing Frye, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Brian S: "This quote was so funny it threw me into shock. I was unable to laugh or even respond with anything other than a open, gaping mouth. From Oregonlive, regarding the Blazers loss to the reviled Boston Celtics:
In the second meeting, Feb.24 at the Rose Garden, the Blazers built a 17-point lead in the second quarter only to see it turn into a 19-point deficit that ended in a 112-102 loss. "It was like being at a club and being with [the] baddest chick in there," Frye said. "Then you turn your head and she's gone. It's like, 'Dang, I should have had that! I should have done this or done that.' Because we had them. But I think everybody feels that way. That's why they are the world champs.""There you have it. Channing Frye is a man's man in that he equates winning basketball games to hooking up with hot chicks at clubs." Yes, Channing certainly is a MAN-type man...even though, to me, that loss was more like an elementary school bully getting beaten up and having the lunch money he just stole from someone get taken away by a high school bully.
Jalen Rose: Basketbawful reader Geert noticed that Jalen thinks Tony Parker is the best point guard in the league. Which has no merit in my eyes, since TP isnt' really a PG at all; he's a tiny SG who handles the ball for the Spurs. And anyway, Jalen's argument is pretty lame: It's pretty much "Because he's on the Spurs." As Geert said: "Isn't that a bit like saying Brian Scalabrine is the best forward because he plays with the Celtics?"
Basketbawful reader Mark G: I received an email yesterday with a subject line of "Luke Walton minus the stalker." Inside was the following unusual request:
Dear Mr. Basketbawful,Wow. Well, congrats, Mark. You're an official Worst of the Nighter here at Basketbawful. If you ever get a trillion, please send me the box score so I can post it. And I'm even going to give you a nickname: The Belgium Waffle. You rock! (But not really.)
I would like to be included in the 'Worst of the Night' section. WHY? Because I just realised I'm the second coming of Luke Walton.
I'm white, I have no range, I'm a small forward but my coach is letting me play UNDERSIZED PF like Luke, my father was WAY better than me (and still is while he's 35 years older), I barely average a point a game and on a positive note, I'm also thinking 'pass-first.'
But to make things worse than Luke's situation: I'm from Belgium, I'm never getting a ring, I'm playing MORE than Walton (but still have the same per-game averages!) and, oh yeah, did I mention that I have to pay to play instead of getting paid to sit??
I never thought I was going to say this but I wish I had a (ugly) stalker like Luke just to make me feel important.
Thank you for reading this.
The crazy, crazy world in which we live: This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? So explain to me why some poor kid had to escape from the couple who had imprisoned and tortured him for a year. Or why some dude posing as a baby sitter used a couple's two-year-old in a porn film. Or why Boy George of all people was sentenced for handcuffing a male escort to a wall and beating him with a chain because the guy wouldn't sleep with him. Or why a Florida man assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. Or why an Arizona man felt the need to attack a speed camera with a pickaxe. Or why Tina Turner had to take a huge, steaming poo all over my awesome Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome memories by appearing in concert as Aunty Entity. Oh yes she did.
Update! Kobe Bryant: He had plans to steal Birdmas. Fortunately, that's impossible.
Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, fan submissions, Kenyon Martin, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Tina Turner, Worst of the Night
Like I mentioned a few days ago, I've gotten a handful of amusing submissions that I hadn't had time to do anything with. So I figured I'd mash them all together into one big basketbawfully stew...kind of like a nice Hungarian goulash.
First, here's O.J. Mayo getting a little booty love after a very manly dunk on the Hornets in summer league action. [From Caleb.]
Next up is an example of what happens when somebody hijacks a Wikipedia page. See if you can figure out what's what with Tim Duncan's biography. It has since been fixed. You can go here for a larger version. [From Michael.]
Did you know the WNBA keeps track of who's hot and who's not? I presume they're talking about stats and not, uh, other stuff, but still. [From Rich.]
Is Dirk Nowitzki a fan of the movie Men In Black? Because he's got Will Smith's subtle flip-off technique down pat. The question is: What did Chris Kaman do to piss Dirk off? Maybe he's just jealous that Chris gets to play for the Clippers. [From Anne.]
This next one is from Martin, who said: "We know nobody likes the Pacers and the Oklahoma team needs a logo and all. I guess that's the reason the SI team decided to stick Oklahoma season ticket holders story to the Pacers' tab. Or maybe after Bennett stole a whole team, now he will just steal another team's logo."
My buddy Craig from The Association -- a big-time Lakers fan -- was a little, shall we say, displeased when he ran across this t-shirt. "I am constantly haunted by the 2008 NBA Finals. I saw this and other Celtics gear at the Adidas Outlet near my house...IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!! You can use this email as evidence against me after I firebomb the place." That, my friends, is what we call bitterness.
BadDave emailed me this link to a blog post called The Utah Jazz: A Stiff White Retrospective. Funny stuff. The most stunning thing about the post, however, is that I hadn't already written it. To celebrate that post, I submit a Greg Ostertag man love special. (I'm not sure, but I think he might have found the link at Ball Don't Lie. Update! Actually, he found it at TrueHoop.)
And finally, here's a screen capture of the official Web site of NBA officials. [From Stephanie G.]
First, here's O.J. Mayo getting a little booty love after a very manly dunk on the Hornets in summer league action. [From Caleb.]
Next up is an example of what happens when somebody hijacks a Wikipedia page. See if you can figure out what's what with Tim Duncan's biography. It has since been fixed. You can go here for a larger version. [From Michael.]
Did you know the WNBA keeps track of who's hot and who's not? I presume they're talking about stats and not, uh, other stuff, but still. [From Rich.]
Is Dirk Nowitzki a fan of the movie Men In Black? Because he's got Will Smith's subtle flip-off technique down pat. The question is: What did Chris Kaman do to piss Dirk off? Maybe he's just jealous that Chris gets to play for the Clippers. [From Anne.]
This next one is from Martin, who said: "We know nobody likes the Pacers and the Oklahoma team needs a logo and all. I guess that's the reason the SI team decided to stick Oklahoma season ticket holders story to the Pacers' tab. Or maybe after Bennett stole a whole team, now he will just steal another team's logo."
My buddy Craig from The Association -- a big-time Lakers fan -- was a little, shall we say, displeased when he ran across this t-shirt. "I am constantly haunted by the 2008 NBA Finals. I saw this and other Celtics gear at the Adidas Outlet near my house...IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!! You can use this email as evidence against me after I firebomb the place." That, my friends, is what we call bitterness.
BadDave emailed me this link to a blog post called The Utah Jazz: A Stiff White Retrospective. Funny stuff. The most stunning thing about the post, however, is that I hadn't already written it. To celebrate that post, I submit a Greg Ostertag man love special. (I'm not sure, but I think he might have found the link at Ball Don't Lie. Update! Actually, he found it at TrueHoop.)
And finally, here's a screen capture of the official Web site of NBA officials. [From Stephanie G.]
Labels: Celtic Pride, Chris Kaman, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, Indiana Pacers, man love, O.J. Mayo, referees, Tim Duncan, Wikipedia, WNBA
One little tap of the Stern Button and the Spurs are on the brink of playoff Armageddon. But while Timmy Duncan is facing it down with his typically stoic calm, Luke Walton is...wetting his little pink princess panties in abject terror. And he's not even on the same team. I mean, Luke is making funny faces we've never seen from anybody -- from any planet. And that's terrrrrrrible!
Labels: funny faces, Los Angeles Lakers, Luke Walton, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan
Prepare for the kind of awesome that might very well blow an appendage right off your body. This old Sprite commercial was submitted by Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who said: "Speaking of awful commercials, I'd like to present my all-time favorite worst basketball commercial in which Kobe and Tim Duncan square off against each other with their posses for a rap-off, then Missy Elliot shows up to take over while Kobe and Tim play a game of one-on-one."
He is so not kidding. But I guess this is how you had to obey your thirst back in 1998.
He is so not kidding. But I guess this is how you had to obey your thirst back in 1998.
Labels: commercials, Kobe Bryant, Missy Elliot, rapping, Tim Duncan
Basketbawful reader ari responded to today's Spurs-Lakers love post with the following comment: "You missed one crucial man love incident, but I couldn't find a picture for you. Duncan was close to getting a technical for arguing, and Pop came over and grabbed him by the front of his shorts, right on his junk, and pulled him away. If you could find this picture...oh man. Or maybe somebody recorded the game and could get a still shot? I think it happened in the 2nd quarter."
I knew exactly what ari was talking about, and I'd been looking for a picture -- with no luck -- all day. Then reader Trev stepped up to the plate and got me the money shot. Note that Timmy looks totally mesmerized. Could grabbing his junk be the secret to stopping him? Only Popovich knows for sure...
Trev also found a bigger, clearer picture of the incident on SpursTalk.com.
I knew exactly what ari was talking about, and I'd been looking for a picture -- with no luck -- all day. Then reader Trev stepped up to the plate and got me the money shot. Note that Timmy looks totally mesmerized. Could grabbing his junk be the secret to stopping him? Only Popovich knows for sure...
Trev also found a bigger, clearer picture of the incident on SpursTalk.com.
Labels: genitals, Gregg Popovich, man love, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan
Manu Ginobili: In today's NBA Closer column, I called Manu "Shoeless Joe Ginobili" because it sure seemed like he was trying to throw the game: 10 points, 3-for-13 shooting and 4 turnovers. And at least three of those turnovers came during critical stages of the fourth quarter. Manu kept running into traps or jumping into the air with nowhere to go and then just throwing the ball up for grabs. During the postgame press conference, Ginobili said: "There's no excuse for how I played today." He's not wrong.
Tim Duncan: If you checked Timmy's line in the box score -- 30 points, 18 rebounds, 2 steals, 4 blocked shots -- and/or stopped watching the game with four or five minutes to go, you'd think he had a spectacular game. But Duncan was just as guilty of choking down the stretch as Manu was. Maybe it was fatigue, but the Lord of the Rings sure looked scared in those final, fateful minutes: Scared to attack Pau Gasol's defense, scared to take open jumpers, scared his team was going to give up their lead and lose the game.
Seriously, at one point Timmy passed up an open 15-footer to force the ball into Tony Parker underneath the hoop, only the Lakers came away with it and, naturally, scored off of it. This is the same guy who broke the Suns' will with a game-tying three-pointer in the first round? Really?
The San Antonio bench: Thanks for next-to-nothing, guys. Ime Udoka was the "best" Spur reserve, and he finished with 7 points (3-for-7), 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 turnover and 4 fouls in 25 minutes. Michael Finley played 21 minutes and had zero points (0-for-5), 2 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Brent Barry (2 points, 1-for-3), Robert Horry (zero points, 1 block, 1 foul), Kurt Thomas (2 points and nothing else) were next to useless. And Jacque Vaughn -- who notched a five trillion -- was completely useless. But I guess that's what happens when most of the guys on your bench qualify for the senior citizen discount at McDonald's. (Thanks to Charles and Paul from France for alerting me to Jacque's five trillion.)
Update! The Spurs and Basketbawful: Did I mention San Antonio's ginormous collapse? I didn't?! Gak. Well, good thing Silly Bitch was around to do it. "I would hate for someone to come across this site not having watched the game and assume that this was just an average loss by the Spurs. You completely forgot to mention how they blew the 20 point lead they had halfway through the 3rd quarter. I know the Lakers are good but 20 points?? That's like letting a fat kid steal your cake when all you had to do was run!"
Derek Fisher: He shot 1-for-9 and finished with more fouls (5) than points (4). At times, he made even the Spurs look young and healthy. Which I guess is a pretty big accomplishment, but still.
Lamar Odom: Did he leave one of his bags behind in Utah? Because if so, his shot must be in it: 8 points on 3-for-12 shooting for Lamar.
Fun fact: Lamar was named after the gay nerd from Revenge of the Nerds. (Okay, I can't back that up. But he totally was.)
Pau Gasol: His transformation into one of the Geico cavemen is almost complete.
Luke Walton: Everybody who's suddenly all up in Mitch Kupchak's jock should remember two things: First, David Stern made the Grizzlies give up Pau Gasol so there would be a Lakers-Celtics Finals. I will always believe that. And second, he signed The Son of Walton to a six-year, $30 million contract extension last summer. I'm just sayin'. (Luke played 10 minutes last night, missing both of his shots and scoring zero points. He did have three rebounds, but man...those are expensive rebounds.)
Update! Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Jimmy shared a nice out of context quote from the Mamba. "I can get off at any time. In the second half, I did that." That's...quite the handy ability there, Mr. Bean. I don't suppose you could, you know, teach me that?
Charles Barkley: On Inside the NBA, Charles said that Reggie Miller was the best shooter he ever played with (the two played together on the 1996 U.S. Olympic Basketball Team). Mind you, Barkley also played with Larry Bird and Chris Mullin on the original Dream Team. So, you know, I guess this is just Chuck's week for vast and drastic overstatements.
Reggie Miller: So much for humility. Rather than correcting Chuck's outrageous ignorance, he responded with: "I always said that only Drazen Petrovic had a better shot than me." Wow.
Look, I'm as big a Reggie Miller fan as anybody, but, yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree all the way around. But, you know, Reggie has been going a little crazy these days.
Update! Reggie Miller, Part II: An anonymous commenter left the following golden nugget of awesome. "How about the latest Reggie-ism? Last night he said something like 'It's amazing how well the Spurs played in lieu of their flight delay...' That's twice I've heard that -- someone needs to tip him off."
Update! Yahoo: Rob from Upside And Motor noticed something amusing from our good buddies at the Y. "The Yahoo! Sports basketball NBA front page has the following headline: 'Bulls likely to draft Rose or Beasley." Groundbreaking stuff coming from the newsrooms of AP and Yahoo these days." I know what you mean. I was pretty shocked to read that the Bull were likely to use the number one pick on one of the two guys who are considered to be the consensus first and second picks in the draft. My world is freaking rocked. If they want to report some real news, they should mention how John Paxson is likely to screw this one up by once again passing up on a scoring big man for a speedy, shoot-happy guard. Because I personally would love to see a starting lineup of Kirk Hincrich, Chris Duhon, Ben Gordan, Larry Hughes and Derrick Rose.
Labels: bench play, Charles Barkley, Derek Fisher, Los Angeles Lakers, Manu Ginobili, NBA playoffs, Pau Gasol, Reggie Miller, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, Worst of the Night
Basketbawful reader Mike sent me this saucy picture of Tony Parker getting a little face time with Tyson Chandler's junk while Tim Duncan turns away in...what? Disgust? Jealousy? Who knows. But at least it's clear that Eva doesn't have to worry about Tony cheating on her. With another woman, anyway.
Labels: fan submissions, man love, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Tyson Chandler
Basketbawful reader Jesse provided a nice little follow-up to the Duncan face post. The following video proves that the Duncan face is, in fact, a contagious disease...and all the Spurs have it. Hmm. It might be time to quarantine the greater San Antonio area before this thing spreads.
And just to prove I'm a good sport -- and an equal-opportunity cynic -- here are a few Duncan face copycats:
1. The "Gah! A giant spider is eating Shaq!" face. Because that foul was pretty freaking blatant, and now I have to watch a mutant insect crush Shaq in its enormous mandibles. [Also from Jesse.]
2. The "Don't you know who I am?!" face. Because I'm LeBron James, bitch! [From Shrugz.]
3. The "Du verdammter Arschficker! Ich bin ein Berliner!" face. Because I really am a jelly doughnut, complete with a thin, doughy outside and a thick, gooey inside. [From anne.]
The rest of these are from The Spurs Report:
4. The Sheed face. Because he was doing it long before Duncan was. And that's Guaran-sheed.
5. The "I've grown a second, evil head!" face. Because oh my God, IT'S ALIVE!! (And it looks just like Kevin Garnett. Huh. That's pretty weird.)
6. The "Ray-Ray don't play that!" face. Because he really doesn't play that. Never. Not even once.
7. The "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong Marine!" face. Because Popovich can be kinda scary.
And just to prove I'm a good sport -- and an equal-opportunity cynic -- here are a few Duncan face copycats:
1. The "Gah! A giant spider is eating Shaq!" face. Because that foul was pretty freaking blatant, and now I have to watch a mutant insect crush Shaq in its enormous mandibles. [Also from Jesse.]
2. The "Don't you know who I am?!" face. Because I'm LeBron James, bitch! [From Shrugz.]
3. The "Du verdammter Arschficker! Ich bin ein Berliner!" face. Because I really am a jelly doughnut, complete with a thin, doughy outside and a thick, gooey inside. [From anne.]
The rest of these are from The Spurs Report:
4. The Sheed face. Because he was doing it long before Duncan was. And that's Guaran-sheed.
5. The "I've grown a second, evil head!" face. Because oh my God, IT'S ALIVE!! (And it looks just like Kevin Garnett. Huh. That's pretty weird.)
6. The "Ray-Ray don't play that!" face. Because he really doesn't play that. Never. Not even once.
7. The "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong Marine!" face. Because Popovich can be kinda scary.
Labels: Brad Miller, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, funny faces, Gregg Popovich, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan
Duncan face (dunk'-uhn fas) noun. A look of incredulous, googly-eyed mock surprise that is directed at a referee by a player any (and every) time a call does not go that player's way. Note that the Duncan face can be enhanced by raising the hands in an "I didn't do it!" gesture and should be followed up with a steely-eyed glare.
Usage example: On to my frustration: The Spurs are huge babies. This applies to Popovich, Duncan, and seemingly every other player on the court. Duncan has his Duncan Face everytime he doesn't get a call. [By "Isaac," via TrueHoop.]
Word history: It's impossible to pinpoint exactly when this term was invented, but it's been popular for at least the last three or four seasons, during which time the Duncan face has become a parody of itself. I mean, how can the officials possibly take Duncan -- or any player who utilizes the Duncan face -- seriously anymore? If I was an NBA referee, I would make one call or non-call against a player for each time he used the Duncan face. (This could quite possibly be the reason I am not currently employed as a referee.)
Great Duncan faces throughout history: In addition to the standard or "classic" Duncan face shown above, there are several other Duncan faces that can be used when the situation warrants it:
1. The "Dear God, it hurts!" face. Because that foul could have killed me, man!
2. The "Holy crap ref, you cannot be serious!" face. Because, damn it, you totally would have made the right call if you'd seen what I saw.
3. The "I saw that shit was wrong from the bench!" face. Because I saw that shit all the way from over here.
4. The "I'm gonna make a sarcastic face!" face. Because you, Mr. Referee, are an idiot.
5. The "But I'm Tim Duncan's teammate!" face. Because I really am Tim Duncan's teammate! (Starring Manu Ginobili as himself.)
6. The "Get yer filthy hands off me!" face. Because seriously, ET TU, MANU?! [From Basketbawful reader Phenominal Cosmic Power.]
7. The "Why is my life so damned hard?" sad face. Because you all know I didn't do it, so why do you have to make me cry? [From Black Jesus Disciples.]
8. The "Cheaters really do prosper" goofy grin face. Because it feels sooooo good to cheat and win. [From an anonymous Spurs fan.]
Contribute to the cause! If you know of a Duncan face that I forgot and have photographic evidence to prove it, forward the info to me and I'll use it to update this post...with credit to you, of course.
Labels: bad calls, googly eyes, Manu Ginobili, referees, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, whining, Word of the Day
DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith held "Mr. Overrated" to 32 points on 12-for-19 shooting...and most of those 12 makes were layups. Stevenson countered by shooting 1-for-9 and scoring only 3 points. Memo to DeShawn: Next time, wait until the series is safely over -- and your team has won -- before talking smack to LeBron. Actually, scratch that. It's probably best not to rile him up at all. For any reason. Ever.
The Washington bench: Okay, Agent Zero scored 24 points on 8-for-16 shooting, and he even connected on four of his five three-point attempts. But I think we can all agree that he won't be coming off the bench much longer, right? The rest of the Wizards' reserves - Andray Blatche, Darius Songaila, and Roger Mason - combined for 3 points (1-for-10), 7 rebounds, 1 assist, and 7 fouls in about 40 minutes of lack-tion.
Wally Szczerbiak: If Mike Brown thought that inserting Wally into the starting lineup was going to get him going, then Brown was wrong. Very wrong. Galactically wrong. Sczczerbiak shot 2-for-10 from the field and 1-for-6 from beyond the arc. He scored 8 points to go along with 2 rebounds, 2 assists, and 3 fouls in 29 minutes. Say, is it too late to get Larry Hughes back?
Irrational excitement: Over the weekend, BadDave was sure that some announcer had an on-the-air joygasm after some big play, but he couldn't remember which one it was. This morning, he remembered: "It was when LeBron had a nice dunk. The announcer cried out his name like he had just gotten the facial. It was a nice dunk and all, but we've all seen better. 'LeBrooooon!' Splat." Listen for yourself.
Tim Duncan: What sort of unholy pact did Duncan forge with The Dark Lord to hit the three-pointer that sent Game 1 of the Suns-Spurs series into overtime? Because I think his soul wouldn't be worth nearly enough to pull that one off. I'm guessing several children, a couple virgins, and at least one goat had to be involved. Shame on you, Tim! That goat had a future!
You have to feel for the Phoenix Suns. That was the exact shot they wanted the Spurs to take in that situation. I mean, Duncan hadn't hit a three-pointer all season. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to me in pickup ball. I'll be playing against some dude with no offensive skills whatsover, and I'll leave him open one time from way outside his range...and he'll hit it. It's almost like the Basketball Gods are punishing me for slacking on D. And they certainly punished the Suns.
You know, a similar thing happened in Game 2 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals. The Boston Celtics were down by three at the end of the first overtime. They botched a play that was intended for Larry Bird, and the ball got batted to Kevin McHale, who shot and hit his only three of the season. The Celtics prevailed in the second overtime, but the Pistons left Boston Garden utterly convinced of their superiority. And they did, in fact, go on to win the series. It'll be interesting to see if that happens with the Suns.
Update! As Caseta points out: "Regarding timmy's 3 pointer, I have to ask: Wasn’t it a traveling violation?! I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...." Well, technically speaking? Probably, yes. He shuffled his feet. But that'll never be called, ever. On a related note, I was watching a special about Michael Jordan's greatest moves this weekend, and I couldn't help but notice that when he used to juke his defenders, he almost always switched or shuffled his pivot foot...or in some cases, pivot "feet." But the announcers always missed this and would simply scream something like "What a move by Michael Jordan!" You know, it's a lot easier to flabbergast a defender when you get to travel on a whim. Like Caseta, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Bruce Bowen: His line from Saturday's game: 21 minutes, zero points, 0-for-2, 1 rebound, 2 turnovers, 1 steal, and 2 personal fouls. And he didn't exactly stop Steven Nash (25 points, 13 assists). He's going to have to thug somebody pretty soon if he wants to stay relevant.
ESPN box scores: Sky Flakes continues to keep an eyes on the box scores, and ESPN keeps rewarding him with strange things. Such as the fact that the Suns-Spurs game was 11-6 at the start of the first quarter...
Dirk Nowitzki: I think a man should be legally required to turn over his testicles to some sort of government testicle collector if he flops as obviously and pathetically as Nowitzki did here. Dirk is no hombre, that's for sure.
Jason Kidd: At one point in Saturday's game, he slapped the ball away from Chris Paul and then got this smug little look on his face. He didn't look quote so smug after Paul lit him up for 35 points (15-for-23) and 10 assists, though.
NBA.com: Looks like they got a little confused while updating their brackets. The Hornets play in New Orleans now, guys. New Orleans, not Charlotte. The gaffe was fixed, but not before Basketbawful reader Frank sent me the following screen shot:
Houston Rockets: It's not that they weren't trying, it just that they got thoroughly outplayed by the Jazz. Houston shot 36 percent to Utah's 52 percent. Now the Rockets have to win one at Energy Solutions Arena, where the Jazz are an NBA-best 37-4. I hope the Houston training staff is stocking plenty of Kleenex for T-Mac. I'd hate for him to have to cry into his jersey.
By the way, this is when the Rockets are going to miss Bonzi Wells the most. They couldn't get anything going against the Jazz, and they really could have used a low-post presence.
T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon: They did a good job of setting the table for their teammates -- 14 assists and zero turnovers between the two of them -- but they couldn't dropkick it into the ocean (4-for-20 combined), and the Maurice Evans/Jameer Nelson combo lit them up for 38 points on 12-for-20 shooting.
Kris Humphries: The Toronto forward has the dubious distinction of scoring the first one trillion of the 2008 NBA Playoffs. Somebody buy him an exploding cigar.
Derek Fisher: "Coach Jackson said we need to slow Carmelo Anthony down. I'm on it." [From Odenized.]
Marcus Camby: Pau Gasol decimated the Nuggets with a playoff career-high 36 points. He also had a playoff career-high 8 assists and 16 rebounds. He even blocked 3 shots. Did I mention that he was being guarded by the 2006-07 Defensive Player of the Year? Meanwhile, Camby scored 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting and turned the ball over 4 times.
Lakers fans: From FireGeorgeKarl.com via TrueHoop: "Whenever Carmelo stepped to the free throw line at Staples Center, the fans chanted 'D-U-I, D-U-I.' Ha, ha, very clever, Lakers fans. Well I hope we Nuggets fans greet Lakers' star Kobe Bryant with a similar chant about his past infractions with the law when he arrives at Pepsi Center on Saturday. How about 'SETTLE-MENT, SETTLE-MENT?' I'm open to any ideas you've got." Way to stay classy, Lakers fans. That one will be enshrined in the Hall of Infamous Sports Chants, right along with that time Celtics fans aimed a "Wife beater!" chant at Jason Kidd a few years back.
Detroit Pistons: When are they going to start taking lesser teams seriously? Memo to Detroit: Your opponents aren't going to just roll over and die because they're facing The Mighty Pistons. You're going to have to actually play the games. And 39 percent shooting at home? That's probably not going to get it done. I suggest less time joking around with Flip Murray and more time focusing on the Sixers.
Rodney Carney: He trumped Kris Humphries by notching a three trillion against the Pistons. It's good to see guys step down their games.
Joe Johnson, quote machine: The Boston Celtics had a pretty easy time of it against the Hawks in Game 1 of their first round series, and the only person who seemed surprised by it was Joe Cool. "I didn't expect it to be like this, but I'm glad we got it out of the way," he said. His teammates, now have "the playoff experience and they pretty much know how it's going to be. Game 2 I expect pretty much a different reaction." I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, Joe. Unless you're just tired of the whole "living" thing.
Update! Mike Bibby (Hawks) and Bobby Jackson (Rockets): This is from an anonymous poster: "Where is Mike Bibby(2-for-10, 5 points, 1 assist) and Bobby Jackson(3-for-15, 7 points)!? I don't think these guys were brought in mid-season to produce those numbers." You're absolutely right. I should have included them both. My bad.
Labels: DeShawn Stevenson, Detroit Pistons, Dirk Nowitzki, Houston Rockets, Joe Johnson, NBA playoffs, Tim Duncan, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend
Here's an early-morning dose of soul-soothing man love via Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm. Hopefully, it'll curb your Basketbawful craving until we publish the Powerless Rankings later today.
Two observations: 1. Timmy totally hearts Turkoglu. 2. I think that's Duncan's O-face -- rarer even than Bigfoot's power scepter -- captured on film for perhaps the first time. Also, is it just me or does it look like Hedo's left hand is doing something decidedly naughty? If so, that's definitely Tim's O-face. Why else would Mr. Stone Face finally crack a smile?
Anti-man love sentiment from Blogger.com? The following commentary and image were provided by Basketbawful reader Sun Devil: "The man love feature seems to have upset the blogspot Gods. Check out my word verification.
Sorry, blogspot Gods. You can't stop our man love. Nothing can. It's here to stay.
Two observations: 1. Timmy totally hearts Turkoglu. 2. I think that's Duncan's O-face -- rarer even than Bigfoot's power scepter -- captured on film for perhaps the first time. Also, is it just me or does it look like Hedo's left hand is doing something decidedly naughty? If so, that's definitely Tim's O-face. Why else would Mr. Stone Face finally crack a smile?
Anti-man love sentiment from Blogger.com? The following commentary and image were provided by Basketbawful reader Sun Devil: "The man love feature seems to have upset the blogspot Gods. Check out my word verification.
Sorry, blogspot Gods. You can't stop our man love. Nothing can. It's here to stay.
Labels: fan submissions, Hedo Turkoglu, man love, Tim Duncan
Yao Ming: Shaquie Chan shot just 3-for-17 against the imposing defense of...Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Which means a traffic cone probably could have held him to 2-for-17 shooting.
Tracy McGrady: Wasn't he supposed to be resting over the All-Star break? That 6-for-21 shooting line suggests that T-Mac must have spent the weekend at Camp CHEN-A-WANDA.
Larry Hughes: He's baaaaaack...by which I mean 33 percent shooting (5-for-15).
LeBron James: Bron Bron had a triple double (26 points, 13 rebounds, 11 assists), but his 0-for-7 first half shooting put the Cavs in a pretty big hole. And they didn't recover.
The New York Knicks: Zach Randolph threw a cup of water at Nate Robinson. Nate then threw a towel at Zach. In other words, it was just another night at the office for Team Dysfunction. Rather than disciplining his players, coach Isiah Thomas praised their "feistiness" and "nastiness," which is kind of like praising your crazy ex-girlfriend's "passion" after she burns down your apartment building. Amazingly, the Knicks transformed their malaise into a 113-100 overtime win, proving that, at least once in a while, insanity works.
The Washington Wizards: You know that Knicks victory I was just talking about? It was gift-wrapped and delivered with a card signed "The Wizards." Too bad coach Eddie Jordan wasn't in a giving mood. "It's just unacceptable, our approach to the game. We just didn't play hard enough. We didn't play with a lot of purpose, and maybe we thought they were just going to give us the game, and it was just the opposite. There was just no enthusiasm." There also was no Caron Butler or Gilbert Arenas. That might have had a little something to do with it.
Eddy Curry: [Spoiler Alert!!] Remember how at the end of The Sixth Sense we finally found out that Bruce Willis had been a ghost the whole time? I think the same thing is going to happen with Eddy Curry at the end of this season. Curry started the game, but played only 15 minutes and scored 4 points (1-for-4). I guess he just wasn't feisty or nasty enough for his coach. Time to start throwing things, Eddy.
The Detroit Pistons: It was a rough night in the Motor City. Detroit's starters combined to shoot 19-for-49, and the Pistons got blown out at home by the Magic. Now, I ask you, is that any way to reward Bon Jovi for coming out to the game?
Dwight Howard: Superman must have left his cape in New Orleans. Howard scored ony 8 points 2-for-9) and committed 6 turnovers. He was a monster on defense, though.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Getting blown out by the Minnesota Timberwolves definitely qualifies for Worst of the Night status.
Antoine Walker: The former NBA champion - okay, I just threw up in my mouth a little - played 8 minutes and scored zero points on 0-for-3 shooting.
Gerald Green: Some Minnesota fans - most of whom will probably never have sex with a woman without the use of a major credict card - saluted Green's now famous cupcake dunk. Too bad Green never got off the bench. For all you stat geeks out there, that means he played 8 fewer minutes than Antoine Walker.
Tim Duncan: Timmah! must must have had something in his eye last night - like a water buffalo - because he couldn't have wished the ball into the basket (2-for-12). Fortunately for Tim and the Spurs, they were playing the Bobcats.
Gerald Wallace: Mr. Wallace showed everybody why he was left off the All-Star Team by scoring 4 points on 0-for-9 shooting. Those are Brad Lohaus numbers.
The Golden State Defense: The Jazz dropped 77 points on the Warriors during the first two quarters, and that total was a mere six points off of Utah's franchise record for a half. The Jazzercizers shot 68 in that first half - and 53 percent for the game - on their way to putting up 119 points. Said Baron Davis: "Our motto is keep the score tight and keep the game as close as possible and under double-digits going into the fourth quarter. We weren't able to do that tonight." Uh, yeah. I think it's time for a new team motto, Baron.
Jarron Collins: You can call him Mr. Two Trillion.
Kwame Brown: His stat line: 1 DNP-CD. And to think they only had to give up Pau Gasol to get him...what a bargain!
Kevin Durant: Hm. He came back from N'awlins with flu-like symptoms. Okay, suuuuuure.
The Boston defense: Their defense - which normally holds opponents to 90 PPG on 42 percent shooting - is the number one reason they have a league-best 41-10 record. But why live off your bread and butter when you can get into a shootout with a high-scoring team on the road? Oh, right, because that would be totally stupid. Still, that's exactly what the Celtics did, giving up 51 percent shooting to a team with Allen Iverson on it and losing 124-118. Said coach Doc Rivers: "We didn't want to get into an offensive shootout." Oh, right. And I guess the coach has nothing whatsoever to do with that.
Bennie Adams: Just what the NBA needs - another rogue official. Adams called Carmelo Anthony for goaltending when he jumped up to grab a three-point airball by Ray Allen. That ridiculous call cut the Denver lead to 121-118 with 13 seconds remaining. As you can probably imagine, Nuggets coach George Karl was a wee bit upset about the call. "Wow. He (Adams) likes making big calls and bad calls at the end of the game. How can you call goaltending when the ball is halfway below the rim?" Not that Karl had much room to talk. His team was gifted with a season-high 49 freethrow attempts, 21 more than the Celtics got.
Kevin Garnett: KG was juiced up after his nine-game vacation. "It was good to get back. It felt good. I felt like I was 27. I felt young." Of course, he didn't play as well as he claimed to have felt: 4 points (2-for-7), 8 rebounds, and 4 turnovers. When asked to appraise Garnett's performance, coach Doc Rivers said, "Not very good." But he felt young, Doc!
John Salmons: Even with Mike Bibby in Atlanta, Salmons remains the forgotten man in Sacramento: Zero points (0-for-3) in 18 minutes of "lacktion." [Hat tip to Tonewise]
Mike Bibby: He joined up with his new team to a resounding poop noise, scoring 5 points (1-for-5), grabbing zero rebounds, dishing 3 assists, and committing a couple turnovers in 16 minutes. Derek Fisher shut his ass down, man!
Update - Atlanta Hawks: Basketbawful reader Wild Yams made a good point in the comments section: "How can the Hawks as a team not be up for yesterday's worst? In the first half yesterday (some of which was officially not 'garbage time'), the Hawks went through a stretch from the six minute mark of the 1st quarter till just before the half where they were outscored 56-16 by the Lakers, culminating in a 41 point lead at one point. That's a 41 point lead in the first half! Before the Hawks hit three 3-pt shots in the last minute of the half, the lead was 69-28, and at the half the Hawks had at least 19 turnovers. If that isn't awful, I don't know what is." Mr. Yams, you are absolutely right.
Labels: Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Eddy Curry, Golden State Warriors, Kevin Garnett, Larry Hughes, Lebron James, Philadelphia 76ers, Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Washington Wizards, Yao Ming
Shooting stars? Guards shoot, big men dunk. That's the formula, right? Well, Saturday Night's Shooting Stars Competition gave us all a little lesson in New Math and - as Reggie Miller put it - set back shooting 100 years. Team Detroit (Chauncy Billups, WNBA Player X, Bill Laimbeer) were the defending champs, but they got ousted in the first round, and the finals pitted guard-heavy Team Chicago (Chris Duhon, WNBA Player Y, B.J. Armstrong) against center-laden Team San Antonio (Tim Duncan, WNBA Player Z, David Robinson). So naturally the team with two seven-footers won the thing, thanks to a top-of-the-key three from Duncan and a half court shot from The Admiral, who looks better in retirement than most guys look while playing. Seeing my man David made watching this travesty of shooting a little less painful.
They've got skills. Well, some of them: The Skills Challenge turned into a somewhat exciting battle of one-upsmanship between two emerging superstar point guards, with Deron Williams setting a new even record (25.5 seconds) to upset Chris Paul in the finals. However, Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade just embarrassed themselves. Kidd's woeful lack of shooting touch was on display when he clunked all five three-point attempts and got tossed after round one with a time of 39.7 seconds. Wade, though...Wade had a full-on ego-ectomy. After electing not to even practice the course, the two-time defending Skills Competition champion lost his dribble out of bounds, botched four straight jumpers before just giving up and flinging the fifth at the hoop, and then missed two layups before ending the round with a score of 53.9 seconds...a time even Stephen Hawking could have beaten.
Steve Nash has no rhythm: Nash admitted before the Three-Point Shootout that the only reason he was taking part in the event was because the Collective Bargaining Agreement says he has to. (Said Nash: "They hold me to it every year.") So naturally he went out and performed like a man who didn't care and wanted it to all be over as quickly as possible, hitting only eight of 25 shots and scoring a lowly nine points. Maybe that'll teach David Stern not to force unwilling former MVPs to compete in meaningless contests they couldn't care less about.
The dunk contest requires dunks, right? Okay, let me open by saying that I have a serious case of the man love for Dwight Howard, and I freaked out when he pulled out the Superman cape for his first dunk. But...he didn't dunk that ball, he just sort of threw it in. Of course, everybody was so juiced about the cape - even David Stern was standing and yelling - that nobody seemed to notice that Howard failed to slam it home. I was also a little bummed that the Superman routine and Gerald Green's cupcake dunk got used up in the first round, because everything after that felt a little anticlimactic.
Gerald Green lost his invitation to planet Lovetron: I can't believe I forgot about this one. Thanks to flohtingpoint for the reminder: "While all of this was great stuff, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, came close to Gerald Green taking off his shoes, signing them for Darryl Dawkins, then having Chocolate Thunder bat them off the table when Gerald basically performed the same dunk twice in a row." You know, while I was watching that dunk, I thought: You know, doing a running dunk in socks would be pretty difficult. Unfortunately for Green, the dunk may indeed have been difficult, but it just looked stupid.
The Bibby Trade: So...Mike Bibby finally gets traded...to the Hawks?! Excuse me for totally not caring. I guess it improves the Hawks and all, but it's probably only the difference between not making the playoffs and first-round sweep. I was really hoping the Bibster would end up in Cleveland. And so was LeBron James.
The All-Star Game script remains unchanged: This is the way almost every All-Star Game seems to go: Ridiculously sloppy first quarter, followed by one team running up a big lead in the second quarter, followed by the other team staging a rally in the third quarter, followed by a fairly competitive fourth quarter (except for the occasional blowout). And this year's game followed that time-tested script to a T.
Three-point shooting: There were a lot of airballs last night despite the fact that no one was playing any defense until the fourth quarter.
Freethrow shooting: I understand that it's just the All-Star game and the level of focus and concentration maybe isn't as high as usual. But the FT shooting numbers were a Shaq-like 57 percent (8-for-14) for the West and a Chris Dudley-like 42 percent (6-for-14) for the East.
Yao Ming: Not only did the big man attempt a couple threes - the second of which was a step-back airball after the game had started to get serious - he was posterized at least two or three times by Howard. Maybe it's just me, but Yao always looks like he's moving in slow motion, especially when he's surrounded by All-Stars.
Kobe Bryant: He played only 2:52 in the first quarter and then sat out the remainder of the game to rest his pinkie finger. And yes, those are some of the lamest words ever strung together in the English language. My real disappointment, though, was the fact that he couldn't take part in the Three-Point Shootout, because then at least there would have been one score lower than Steve's.
Allen Iverson: The Answer scored only 7 points (3-for-7) and committed 6 turnovers. I wouldn't have even bothered to mention him, except that he apparently jumped everybody's case during halftime about taking the game seriously and playing to win. Come on, A.I., we're talking about All-Star Games!
Tim Duncan: Does this man ever smile? TD didn't crack one after the Shooting Stars Competition, and his face didn't so much as move during the ASG intros, despite the fact that his fellow starters were hamming it up for the camera. Okay, fine, Tim. We all get that you don't want to be there. But you don't have to act like your puppy just died, okay?
Dirk Nowitzki: It was a rough night for the reigning regular season MVP. He airballed a three, shot 5-for-14, got posterized by LeBron, and then got his junk stuffed by Dwyane Wade.
Chris Paul: I have nothing bad to say about this kid. He was huge (16 points, 14 assists) and probably would have won the MVP if his team could have pulled it out. Which would have rocked the house, since he was playing at home.
Rasheed Wallace: The one man who wanted to be at the All-Star Game less than Tim Duncan. He might have been dancing a little jig during the intros, but the expression on his face said, "I'm about to choke a bitch." 'Sheed then went out and hoisted out three or four left-handed threes, only, just like Inigo Montoya, he's not left-handed.
Chauncy Billups: I cringe every time somebody calls him Mr. Big Shot. Last night's line: 3-for-10 from the field, 0-for-6 from three. Can't we just call him Mr. Occasionally Hits A Tough Shot?
Jason Kidd: It was awkward to watch him in a New Jersey Nets uniform during the Skills Competition, and it was even more awkward to listen to trade updates throughout the All-Star game...including when David Aldridge tried to bug Dirk about it, and Dirk was afraid to even comment on it.
LeBron James: He had a great night put up some big-time numbers - 27 points, 8 rebounds, 9 assists - but he didn't deserve the MVP award. Ray Allen did. And you could kind of see it in LeBron's face when he was accepting the trophy from David Stern. But he cut through the Western Conference All-Stars like a knife through butter and crammed one down into Nowitzki's face, which immediately became the signature play of the game. And that's what the fans were thinking about while casting their MVP votes, I'm sure.
Labels: All-Star Game, Chauncy Billups, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace Rule, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan
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