Damnit, Deng, stop trying to impress Jordan
After a sucky, stress-filled week, I was all set to return to writing BAD posts the other day. And then I woke up and felt a violent stabbing pain in my right eye. I somehow managed to scratch my cornea just opening my eyelids after waking up. Unbelievable. I'm fine now (already wearing my contact lenses again, in fact) thanks to the cornea being the fastest-healing part of the human body, but that's still just ridiculous. Not only was it extremely painful, but it felt like something some random NBA player would do to miss a game during the season so we could make fun of him.

Here is by far the most random thing I've seen all year: the NES game based on The Great Gatsby. Yes, you can play it online. Yes, it will hurt your brain. Because, naturally, reading the book makes me want to throw hats at butlers in an 8 bit game.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I'm not facepalming! I have an itch!"

"Woah, what the hell? (squints eyes) Is MJ all up on Scottie Pippen??"

Nationally Televised Games:
Nuggets at Bucks, ESPN, 9pm: Behold: ESPN's Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine.. Do yourself a favor and read the comments from the WOTN post about it before your brain explodes.

All The Other Games:
Wizards Generals at Magic, 7pm: Well, so much for that. The Generals finally got their first road victory and no longer have to worry about being winless on the road all season. So this means they can totally give up and just mail in the rest of the season, right?

Heat at Craptors, 7pm: My prediction for the night: Dwyane Wade will try to throw a 90 foot alley oop lob for LeBron, only to lose his grip and hit the Craptors mascot in the head, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs and face-first onto the court.

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: Yes, the Celtics have taken down the Nyets 14 of their last 15 times at home. That being said, they still managed to lose to them last February even though that was one of the worst teams in the history of organized basketball. So I still feel a lump in my throat whenever I see this matchup.

Lakers at Cadavers, 7:30pm: The Lakers just got their asses handed to them by the Bobcraps. Stepping back in time just a few weeks, the Lakers handed the Cadavers one of the most brutal losses the league has ever seen. Footage of that game is the closest thing to a snuff film most people will ever see. So yeah, I'm not too worried about the Lakers' chances tonight.

Pacers at Pistons, 7:30pm: Good news, Detroit! It sounds like you're going to be finally getting that sweet Robocop statue. I'm kind of surprised they didn't opt for the Clarence Boddicker statue instead. He could have provided useful warning for anyone entering the town: "Bitches, leave!"

Hawks at Knicks, 7:30pm: Surprisingly interesting game. The last meeting between these two teams got a little chippy.

Also, per Will: "Man, Wally "The Arctic Pimp" has really fallen off the fucking face of the Earth hasn't he?"

Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: And (aside from the possibility of Blake Griffin destroying the world with a Barkley-style chaos dunk) this game is considerably less interesting.

Kings at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Where's that towel Donte Green was facepalming under the other night? I'd rather hide behind it than watch this game.

76ers at Rockets, 8:30pm: While going through the spreadsheet of lacktion stats Chris has compiled for this season, I noticed something: Jason Kapono has become a truly bawful player this season. Seven Marios already this year! After doing a little more digging, I saw his PER is 2.1 (which is somewhere between "legally deceased guy doing the Weekend at Bernie's routine" and "folding chair" on the PER reference guide), and he actually has a negative win shares value despite barely ever being on the floor. Impressive. And, unsurprisingly, there's a headline on ESPN Insider that says "Kapono could be out in Philly -- If he's not traded, a buyout could come." (I'd tell you more, but I don't subscribe to ESPN Insider.)

Warriors at Jazz, 9pm: I'd just like to point out something about the post-Jerry Sloan era: this is one of the very few times we haven't seen a dead coach bounce after a mid-season coaching change in a long while. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

Hornets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: In David Stern's latest apperance on Bill Simmons podcast (as recapped by Marc Stein here), we learned that some owners would not be opposed to contracting the Hornets. Considering how wildly the Hornets have flucuated from one extreme to the other this season, I can only assume this means whenever they hit another winning streak, team owners would suddenly be in favor of giving New Orleans a second team?

Also, ugly news for Blazers fans: "Consulting surgeon on Brandon Roy says he has 1-2 years left." Yes, his knee problems might really be that severe.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, dumb injuries, Jason Kapono, Wally Szczerbiak

There was a Grade A meat party going on in Cleveland last night, and only LeBron James and Wally Szczerbiak were on the guest list. I can't decide which is more titillating: Wally's possessive "he's mine, bitch!" expression or LeBron's "get off me, pimpmeister!" look.


Here's another angle. Note how Wally's pout is equal parts longing and regret. (His contract is expiring, after all. Once that happens, he'll never be allowed within 20 Oliver Miller's of LeBron ever again.) Note also that 'Bron is desperately trying to convert the man-hug into a fist kiss.


Here's another shot from last night's game, in which Wally seems to be going for the dual hand-hold and butt slap. Man, LeBron's lucky that Wally has only two hands.

Labels: Lebron James, man love, Wally Szczerbiak

Remember when Basketbawful reader Ryan M. sent in the picture of Wally Szczerbiak rockin' that fabulous eskimo outfit in a postgame interview? Well, Ryan caught Wally World in the act again. Only this time, well, yeah. Said Ryan: "I really hope Zerbs can get it together soon so I can stop sending you emails. But I thought you might enjoy Wally's fierce staredown of all the robot penises in his face. If only he could do that to all the robot penises on the court! And who else can transition so seamlessly from a Playa Pimp press conference to a Gay Porn press conference." Well, better robot penises than tentacles, I guess...

Labels: fan submissions, straight pimpin', Wally Szczerbiak

The following screen shot was sent in by Ryan M, who said: "Wally Szczerbiak. Looking like a P.I.M.P. If pimps were gay." I'm sorry, Ryan, but I have to completely disagree with you on this one, since that's a totally unfair insult to pimps and gay men everywhere. I can only hope that Wally has a good excuse for that ensemble, like maybe he suffered a near-fatal head would immediately before dressing himself with clothes he found in the drop-box outside a nearby homeless shelter. Otherwise, well, I'm sending his name to the Stacy and Clinton...

Labels: fan submissions, straight pimpin', Wally Szczerbiak, What Not To Wear

Okay. Let me preface this post by saying that I doubts that I'd be able to do a full WotN entry with only one game on the slate. But man oh man...this particular game came through in spades.

Cleveland Cavaliers: They scored only 72 points, shot 30 percent from the field, committed 17 turnovers, and added to their the all-time worst record in Game 1 road games (0-for-14). Yay, team.

Boston Celtics: They scored only 76 points, had more turnovers (21) than assists (18), and barely beat the Cavaliers in Boston on a night when LeBron James had the worst game of his career (more on that below). That's a pretty bad sign, right?

LeBron James: Poor LeBron. On the same day the King found out that he finished a distant fourth in MVP voting, he went out and had the worst game of his NBA career: 12 points, 2-for-18 shooting, 10 turnovers. He scored only 2 points in the second half and missed his last six shots. He also was one assist or rebound away from the shameful triple bumble (as several of you quickly pointed out).

And with all due respect to the Celtics defense...Bron-Bron was just flat-out bonking shots and tricking layups. And he knew it. "I missed a lot of shots I know I can make. I missed layups. Those layups I've made my whole life." (That's right, boys and girls; LeBron came out of the womb hitting layups.)

Fun fact #1: The stat checkers at ESPN.com compiled a list of LeBron's four worst shooting performances. Last night's was the worst, followed by a 3-for-20 performance against the Sixers on March 18, 2005; a 2-for-13 night against the Clippers on December 3, 2003; and another 2-for-13 brickeroo on February 11, 2004. Note that those last two games happened during LeBron's rookie year and none of them occurred during the playoffs.

Fun fact #2: Sorry, ESPN. You missed one. Fortunately, Yahoo caught it. The worst shooting night of LeBron's career came on December 29, 2004 against the Houston Rockets, when he went 0-for-5 in 17 minutes. However, there were circumstances. Said LeBron: "I fractured my cheekbone."

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was the only player who truly played well last night (although Zydrunas Ilgauskas came pretty close). Garnett -- who came in third in MVP voting -- had 28 points (13-for-23), 8 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals in nearly 40 minutes. More importantly, though, he hit a clutch shot with 22 seconds left to break a 72-72 tie and put the Celtics up for good. So much for KG shrinking from the big moments, eh?

But here was how Garnett described last night's celebration of suck: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." Uh, if you say so, KG. If you say so. And toxic sludge really is good for you...

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World outscored and outshot LeBron James! And while that would normally be cause for celebration, last night was a definite exception. Szczerbiak missed his first five shots en route to a 13-points, 5-for-14 shooting night. Which once again raises the question: How, exactly, was he an upgrade over Larry Hughes?

Ray Allen: Can we have Ray-Ray digitally removed from He Got Game? Because last night's lack-tion would certainly justify it: Zero points, 0-for-4, and 4 turnovers in 37 minutes. Memo to the MVP voters: Remember how you unjustly disqualified KG because his team was "too good"? I hope you watched this game and wet your pants with shame.

Delonte West: Where's Eric Snow when you need him? West scored 4 points (2-for-10), had more fouls (3) than assists (2), and threw the ball away twice. Not a bad night's work, eh? Actually, yes it is.

Paul Pierce: Remember that post on TrueHoop about Truth's rivalry with LeBron? If not, then go read it. Anyway, their personal competition has gotten so heated that apparently if LeBron sucks, Paul is going to try and suck more. Let's here it for one-downsmanship! Pierce scored 4 points, shot 2-for-14, had his shot fed back to him twice, committed a team-high 6 turnovers, and had Boston's worst +/- score (-14). And he wasn't the least bit embarrassed about it.

"Me and Ray, we figure if we play [LeBron] to a standstill...we give ourselves the best chance. He's not going to go 2-for-18 every game but, hey, we're going to do our best to try to make him." So in one fell swoop Pierce took co-credit for LeBron's craptacular game and justified his and Ray Allen's sucktasticness. Wow. The only thing missing was a megalomaniacal declamation:


Anderson Varejao: And here, my friends, is Exhibit V in the case against ridiculous contract holdouts. Sideshow Bob -- who was so instrumental in Cleveland's run to the Finals last season, by the way -- was so ineffective you'd think he was getting paid to not play: 1 point, 0-for-1, 1 rebound, zero assists, 2 steals, and zero blocked shots in 11 minutes. Cap killer, anyone?

Glen Davis: Big Baby played like an actual baby last night, accomplishing exactly nothing in four diaper-filling minutes. That's right. I'm talking about a four trillion. (And no, that's not a fat joke. Although it could be.)

Mike Brown: Any good coach -- or in Brown's case, even a bad coach -- is going to get his star player's back. But Brown took that to a kind of ridiculous length last night. "[LeBron] had a tough night, and he is entitled to it." I'm sorry, but...what?! Since when did players start earning entitlement to horrific performances in critical playoff games? I'm sorry, Mike, but there's no such thing as a Get Out Of Sucking Free card.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Z-Man was the only Cavalier who registered a pulse last night (22 points, 12 rebounds), but he also stepped on Sam Cassell and "inadvertently" kicked him in the head. Sorry. I've played enough basketball and stepped over enough clumsy players to know that stuff rarely ever happens on accident.

Labels: Anderson Varejao, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, NBA playoffs, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Wally Szczerbiak, Worst of the Night

Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans: I've said over and over this season that guard play was going to doom. Well, after the first two games of the Raptors-Magic series, I was left enjoying the salty taste of my own foot. But no more. Nelson (6 points, 2-for-8, 5 fouls) and Evans (zero points, 0-for-3, zero assists, 3 turnovers) finally lived back down to my expectations. Even worse, they got burned by T.J. Ford (21 points, 7-for-11) and Jose Calderon (18 points, 7 rebounds, 13 assists).

Rasho Nesterovic: The Yugoslavian Terror has been on fire since March -- and I have proof -- but he still got exiled to the bench and played only 10 minutes last night. His line: 2 points, 1-for-3 shooting, 1 turnovers, 4 fouls. Why the reduced role? Some say that putting Jamario Moon back in the starting lineup rejuvenated a listless Raptors team. Me? I think Bryan Colangelo got Rasho's Contract Year Phenomenon vibe and told Sam Mitchell to sit him. That way he'll be cheaper in the offseason. See, as a GM, you've always got to be thinking ahead...

The Cavaliers' butterfingeritis: The Wizards put the pressure on Cleveland, and the Cavs responded by turning the ball over 23 times. Those turnovers translated to 30 points for Washington. Ouch.

LeBron James: With the Washington crowd chearing "OVER-RATED," LeBron chuckled and then boned a freethrow. If I was a Cleveland fan, I would have preferred to see King James adopt a look of steely-eyed determination, sink the freethrow, and then go off on the Wizards. But that didn't happen, which kind of surprised me. Maybe the presence of an angry Soulja Boy took LeBron out of his game.

Wally Szczerbiak: The line: 6 points, 3-for-9 shooting, no three-pointers, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. And while Wally World struggles, the Cavaliers are still waiting for the guy who was supposed to be such a big upgrade from Larry Hughes to show up.

Ben Wallace: Can somebody -- anybody -- tell me how having Big Ben (5 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnovers, 2 blocked shots) for $15.5 million is better than having Drew Gooden for $6.4 million? Since I haven't picked on him in a while, I am morally obligated to once again point out that John Hollinger said of the Chicago-Cleveland trade "This one works, big time (for Cleveland)."

Daniel Gibson: I said he was going to need to step up and hit some big threes for the Cavs. He didn't (0-for-3).

Devin Brown: Amazingly, he was Cleveland's second-best player last night (10 points, 8 rebounds), yet he shot 2-for-8 from the field. That's the kind of night it was for the Cavaliers. Speaking of which...

Dwayne Jones: He was a mere two seconds shy of achieving a seven trillion. Even at six, it's still the highest trillion of the playoffs so far.

Gilbert Arenas: On a night in which almost everything went Washington's way, there was one little cause for concern: Agent Zero reinjured his surgically-repaired left knee. The Wizards claim that Arenas only has a bone bruise and he's listed as day-to-day. But still...it feels a little ominous, doesn't it?

DeShawn Stevenson: Yes. We get it. You can't feel your face. Or whatever. But did you have to steal Hulk Hogan's ear-move too? The Locksmith has officially gone from "mildly amusing" to "unbearably annoying."

But here's a question. What exactly is up with Stevenson's hand gesture? Caseta said: "Here's some material for your WotN: the announcers of the Cavs-Wizards game. Stevenson kept doing the 'can't feel my face' thing, and they kept talking about how no one can see him. They were thinking his gesture meant he was hiding or something. Quite annoying. especially after all the talk during the past couple of weeks. I wonder what they think Mutombo's wagging finger means...perhaps 'do you want to smell my finger ?'"

And this was Mike's response: "Actually, and I'm getting quite annoyed at this, the Hand-Waving-Infront-Of-The-Face gesture is 'You Can't See Me' started by one John Cena of WWE and The Marine fame. He started using it as part of his gimmick about two, two and a half years ago now. Those announcers were actually spot on. Everyone else who thinks that it means that he can't feel his face or he's cooling off his hot hand is just plain wrong."

Can we get a ruling on this? Has Stevenson ever explained it? Does anybody know?

Carlos Boozer: I guess Boozer is taking those Karl Malone comparisons pretty seriously? Remember the trail of broken bodies left behind by The Mailman? Well, last night Boozer decided to begin his own trail, starting with Carl Landry.

Mehmet Okur: He had a double-double (12 points, 11 rebounds), but he also missed 10 of his 13 shot attempts. And his bricklaying did not help Utah's cause.

Andre Kirilenko: He is Utah's X-Factor. When the Russian Rifle is on his game -- scoring, rebounding, passing, playing defense, doing all the little things -- the Jazz seem unstoppable. The only problem is, you never know which Kirilenko is going to show up: The do-everything defensive ace, or the can't-to-anything moper? Last night he was more or less the latter: 5 points, 2-for-7, 2 rebounds, zero assists, 2 turnovers, 1 blocked shot, and 4 fouls. How can such a useful guy be so useless in such a big game? Update! Dunpizzle had this to add: "More AK47 WotN - he had the audacity to try to win a 2nd straight game with a flop." Oh my stars and garters, he did. How did I miss that?! Have...have I become desensitized to Andre's flopping??


Some random Jazz fan: Memo to front row spectators everywhere: Bob Delaney will not tolerate your potty mouth. [From Odenized.]


Tracy McGrady apologists: An anonymous reader left this comment on yesterday's Tracy McGrady: Responsible for the world and all its woes post: "Well, last night was, pretty much, T-Mac's fault that the Jazz lost the game."

However, another anonymous reader begged very much to differ: "Uh, not based on what I see. Sure he brought the Rockets close, but he almost bricked the game at the end as well. It was Carl Landry's drawn foul that gave the Rockets a 93-86 lead (opposed to 92-86). Tracy's screwup offensive foul allowed the Jazz to to pull within 93-92 (opposed to 92-92). Then Landry's block saved the lead for the win (no OT). It's annoying that most media members just blindly give McGrady a free pass, other than maybe Tony Kornheiser on Pardon The Interruption. That's 'why y'all hatin' on T-mac so much,' because at some point seven first round exits has to mean something."

It should be noted that McGrady scored 7 points in the final 3:29 of the fourth, and those were very important points. However, the win wasn't all Tracy, as Lipsome123 pointed out: "I keep seeing things about T-mac being great in the 4th quarter...really?! 2-8 shooting, bad fouls, leaving Okur wide open for a three is good? He was saved by his teammates." Keep in mind too that the win hardly absolves McGrady of several seasons worth of big game disappearances. As JR commented -- fairly or unfairly -- "T-Mac is just a real life exhibition of learned helplessness. I think its gotten to the point where we have to recognise T-Mac as the bizarro Kobe." Personally? I'd like to see Tracy put an end to all that. Just not against my Jazz, please.

ESPN caption writers: Basketbawful reader Quinton sent this in an email: "Big Q here, lover, fighter, die hard rockets fan. Thought you'd be interested in ESPN mislabeling not one of our role players, but our star shooting guard as a center." He's not wrong. Here's ESPN's caption for the lead picture of today's WotN post: "Houston Rockets center Tracy McGrady loses the ball as he heads against Utah Jazz guard Ronnie Brewer (9) during the first quarter of Game 3 of a first-round NBA basketball playoff series Thursday, April 24, 2008, in Salt Lake City." Center? So what, does that mean Yao is out of a job when his foot heals?

Labels: Andre Kirilenko, Ben Wallace, box score madness, Carlos Boozer, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeShawn Stevenson, Gilbert Arenas, Lebron James, Orlando Magic, Rasho Nesterovic, Tracy McGrady, Wally Szczerbiak

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith held "Mr. Overrated" to 32 points on 12-for-19 shooting...and most of those 12 makes were layups. Stevenson countered by shooting 1-for-9 and scoring only 3 points. Memo to DeShawn: Next time, wait until the series is safely over -- and your team has won -- before talking smack to LeBron. Actually, scratch that. It's probably best not to rile him up at all. For any reason. Ever.

The Washington bench: Okay, Agent Zero scored 24 points on 8-for-16 shooting, and he even connected on four of his five three-point attempts. But I think we can all agree that he won't be coming off the bench much longer, right? The rest of the Wizards' reserves - Andray Blatche, Darius Songaila, and Roger Mason - combined for 3 points (1-for-10), 7 rebounds, 1 assist, and 7 fouls in about 40 minutes of lack-tion.

Wally Szczerbiak: If Mike Brown thought that inserting Wally into the starting lineup was going to get him going, then Brown was wrong. Very wrong. Galactically wrong. Sczczerbiak shot 2-for-10 from the field and 1-for-6 from beyond the arc. He scored 8 points to go along with 2 rebounds, 2 assists, and 3 fouls in 29 minutes. Say, is it too late to get Larry Hughes back?

Irrational excitement: Over the weekend, BadDave was sure that some announcer had an on-the-air joygasm after some big play, but he couldn't remember which one it was. This morning, he remembered: "It was when LeBron had a nice dunk. The announcer cried out his name like he had just gotten the facial. It was a nice dunk and all, but we've all seen better. 'LeBrooooon!' Splat." Listen for yourself.


Tim Duncan: What sort of unholy pact did Duncan forge with The Dark Lord to hit the three-pointer that sent Game 1 of the Suns-Spurs series into overtime? Because I think his soul wouldn't be worth nearly enough to pull that one off. I'm guessing several children, a couple virgins, and at least one goat had to be involved. Shame on you, Tim! That goat had a future!

You have to feel for the Phoenix Suns. That was the exact shot they wanted the Spurs to take in that situation. I mean, Duncan hadn't hit a three-pointer all season. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to me in pickup ball. I'll be playing against some dude with no offensive skills whatsover, and I'll leave him open one time from way outside his range...and he'll hit it. It's almost like the Basketball Gods are punishing me for slacking on D. And they certainly punished the Suns.

You know, a similar thing happened in Game 2 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals. The Boston Celtics were down by three at the end of the first overtime. They botched a play that was intended for Larry Bird, and the ball got batted to Kevin McHale, who shot and hit his only three of the season. The Celtics prevailed in the second overtime, but the Pistons left Boston Garden utterly convinced of their superiority. And they did, in fact, go on to win the series. It'll be interesting to see if that happens with the Suns.

Update! As Caseta points out: "Regarding timmy's 3 pointer, I have to ask: Wasn’t it a traveling violation?! I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...." Well, technically speaking? Probably, yes. He shuffled his feet. But that'll never be called, ever. On a related note, I was watching a special about Michael Jordan's greatest moves this weekend, and I couldn't help but notice that when he used to juke his defenders, he almost always switched or shuffled his pivot foot...or in some cases, pivot "feet." But the announcers always missed this and would simply scream something like "What a move by Michael Jordan!" You know, it's a lot easier to flabbergast a defender when you get to travel on a whim. Like Caseta, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Bruce Bowen: His line from Saturday's game: 21 minutes, zero points, 0-for-2, 1 rebound, 2 turnovers, 1 steal, and 2 personal fouls. And he didn't exactly stop Steven Nash (25 points, 13 assists). He's going to have to thug somebody pretty soon if he wants to stay relevant.

ESPN box scores: Sky Flakes continues to keep an eyes on the box scores, and ESPN keeps rewarding him with strange things. Such as the fact that the Suns-Spurs game was 11-6 at the start of the first quarter...


Dirk Nowitzki: I think a man should be legally required to turn over his testicles to some sort of government testicle collector if he flops as obviously and pathetically as Nowitzki did here. Dirk is no hombre, that's for sure.


Jason Kidd: At one point in Saturday's game, he slapped the ball away from Chris Paul and then got this smug little look on his face. He didn't look quote so smug after Paul lit him up for 35 points (15-for-23) and 10 assists, though.

NBA.com: Looks like they got a little confused while updating their brackets. The Hornets play in New Orleans now, guys. New Orleans, not Charlotte. The gaffe was fixed, but not before Basketbawful reader Frank sent me the following screen shot:


Houston Rockets: It's not that they weren't trying, it just that they got thoroughly outplayed by the Jazz. Houston shot 36 percent to Utah's 52 percent. Now the Rockets have to win one at Energy Solutions Arena, where the Jazz are an NBA-best 37-4. I hope the Houston training staff is stocking plenty of Kleenex for T-Mac. I'd hate for him to have to cry into his jersey.

By the way, this is when the Rockets are going to miss Bonzi Wells the most. They couldn't get anything going against the Jazz, and they really could have used a low-post presence.

T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon: They did a good job of setting the table for their teammates -- 14 assists and zero turnovers between the two of them -- but they couldn't dropkick it into the ocean (4-for-20 combined), and the Maurice Evans/Jameer Nelson combo lit them up for 38 points on 12-for-20 shooting.

Kris Humphries: The Toronto forward has the dubious distinction of scoring the first one trillion of the 2008 NBA Playoffs. Somebody buy him an exploding cigar.

Derek Fisher: "Coach Jackson said we need to slow Carmelo Anthony down. I'm on it." [From Odenized.]


Marcus Camby: Pau Gasol decimated the Nuggets with a playoff career-high 36 points. He also had a playoff career-high 8 assists and 16 rebounds. He even blocked 3 shots. Did I mention that he was being guarded by the 2006-07 Defensive Player of the Year? Meanwhile, Camby scored 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting and turned the ball over 4 times.

Lakers fans: From FireGeorgeKarl.com via TrueHoop: "Whenever Carmelo stepped to the free throw line at Staples Center, the fans chanted 'D-U-I, D-U-I.' Ha, ha, very clever, Lakers fans. Well I hope we Nuggets fans greet Lakers' star Kobe Bryant with a similar chant about his past infractions with the law when he arrives at Pepsi Center on Saturday. How about 'SETTLE-MENT, SETTLE-MENT?' I'm open to any ideas you've got." Way to stay classy, Lakers fans. That one will be enshrined in the Hall of Infamous Sports Chants, right along with that time Celtics fans aimed a "Wife beater!" chant at Jason Kidd a few years back.

Detroit Pistons: When are they going to start taking lesser teams seriously? Memo to Detroit: Your opponents aren't going to just roll over and die because they're facing The Mighty Pistons. You're going to have to actually play the games. And 39 percent shooting at home? That's probably not going to get it done. I suggest less time joking around with Flip Murray and more time focusing on the Sixers.

Rodney Carney: He trumped Kris Humphries by notching a three trillion against the Pistons. It's good to see guys step down their games.

Joe Johnson, quote machine: The Boston Celtics had a pretty easy time of it against the Hawks in Game 1 of their first round series, and the only person who seemed surprised by it was Joe Cool. "I didn't expect it to be like this, but I'm glad we got it out of the way," he said. His teammates, now have "the playoff experience and they pretty much know how it's going to be. Game 2 I expect pretty much a different reaction." I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, Joe. Unless you're just tired of the whole "living" thing.

Update! Mike Bibby (Hawks) and Bobby Jackson (Rockets): This is from an anonymous poster: "Where is Mike Bibby(2-for-10, 5 points, 1 assist) and Bobby Jackson(3-for-15, 7 points)!? I don't think these guys were brought in mid-season to produce those numbers." You're absolutely right. I should have included them both. My bad.

Labels: DeShawn Stevenson, Detroit Pistons, Dirk Nowitzki, Houston Rockets, Joe Johnson, NBA playoffs, Tim Duncan, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

Jeremy Richardson: He played only 10 seconds and, of course, went zero-for-everything. Makes sense, since I can't even unwrap a stick of gum in 10 seconds. Super Mario West -- who actually got onto the floor for a buck and some change -- said: "I feel your pain, bro."

DeShawn Stevenson: Al Horford gave him a little of The Mutumbo Treatment in the fourth quarter of Washington's home loss to the Hawks. Watching him flail around in an attempt to get the foul was kind of funny, and kind of sad. Seemed worth a mention.

New York Knicks: They let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them almost single-handedly. Funleavy matched his career-high of 36 points for the fourth time this season. Two of those four scoring explosions came against the Knicks.

Isiah Thomas: He looks so sad, I almost want to give him a hug. Around the neck. With a chain.

My own stubbornness: Several of my readers have been calling me out on this, and I'm finally ready to concede to the facts: Mike Dunleavy Jr. doesn't totally suck anymore. You can read my formal concession speech in my NBA Closer column on Deadspin. But until further otice, I am going to officially retire the Basketbawful adage that "You can't trust any team that gives up a career night to Mike Dunleavy Jr." His good games just aren't a fluke anymore. I guess it's not too surprising when you think about it. I mean, he's being coached by Jim O'Brien this season, the same Jim O'Brien that made Antoine Walker an All-Star. Twice. I'm guessing he turns water into wine in his spare time.

Wally Sczcerbiak and Ben Wallace: I'm not going to bother mentioning how John Hollinger and several other NBA experts said the trade that brought these fleshbags to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. (Oops! I mentioned it!) Wally's numbers have plummeted across the board. That trend continued last night, as he barely even played (5 minutes, 46 seconds) and had the productivity to show for it (2 points, 1-for-4 from the field). As for Big Ben, well, here's how Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm put it in an email to me: "23 minutes. 2 points. 4 rebounds. 1 block. 3 Fouls. What's amazing about Ben Wallace isn't that he's terrible. It's that he's non-existent. The man is a freaking ghost. It's like he's the ghost from Super Mario Brothers. He disappears if you look at him in any way." One slight correction: The ghosts in SMB didn't disappear when you looked at them, they just froze in place. But that only makes the comparison even more appropriate.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: I know it can't be easy to play with a bulging disc in your back, especially when you're playing against a monster like Dwight Howard. But Big Z couldn't have been eaten alive any more if a group of tribal cannibals had cooked him alive in a big copper pot. He shot 2-for-10 and almost fouled out in 29 minutes. (Okay. The cannibal joke might have been a little too much, since Superman shot only 6-for-14.)

Jameer Nelson: The Basketbawful broken record keeps skipping on this one, but the Orlando Magic's fatal flaw is their flawed backcourt. Last night, Nelson shot 2-for-12 from the field for his 6 points. And yeah, he hit a big three-pointer with two and a half minutes left to help seal the deal, but even that one rimmed out and hit the backboard before the hoop choked it back down. To be fair, though, Meer Meer did have 7 assists.

Charlotte Bobcats: It's not like I develop unrealistic expectations for 24-win teams, but I did sort of figure that the 'Cats were better than an 18-point drubbing by the Memphis Grizzlies. My bad. What's more, Charlotte's best player last night was Derek Anderson (17 points, 7-for-10). Raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still in the league. Okay, raise your hand if you knew Anderson was still alive.

Funtastic extra: More randomness from Hardwood Paroxysm's Matt: "If you're the Charlotte Bobcats, how do you lose to Memphis by 18? How? How is that even possible? Is it like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where Ferris says they have to drive home backwards? Is that what Charlotte did? You know what I want to do? I want to watch that game like Memento. I want to see it backwards. Have it begin with the Bobcats losing by 18, and then watch how they self-destruct a little bit at a time, until finally they're at 0-0. That will leave me much more satisfied."

Update: Basketbawful reader Kevin confirmed that the Super Mario Brothers ghosts -- which are called Boos -- do indeed turn invisible when you look at them. The Super Mario Wiki has an entry for the Boos. You can learn all sorts of interesting Boo facts, such as that they have their own system of government (a monarchy), several sub-species (which include Atomic Boos, Balloon Boos, Big Boos, Boo Buddies, Dark Boos, Fishin' Boos, and many others), and a whole list of "notable" Boos (Boolossus, Bootler, Franky, King Boo, The Creepy Steeple Boo, et al.).

Brian Cardinal: He couldn't even get on the floor in a blowout. What's one level below Human Victory Cigar? Human Paperweight? I mean, even Kwame Brown played. Kwame Brown!

Smush Parker: Welcome back, Smush! Based on your stat line -- zero points on 0-for-4 shooting in 10 minutes of lack-tion -- it's like you never left us!

Los Angeles Clippers: I just get this feeling that they've chosen to tank the rest of the season. I mean, they not only signed Smush Parker, they're playing him too. That's a wee bit suspicious, don't you think?

Chicago Bulls: So much for pulling off the upset. Man, that 33-13 fourth quarter was brutal. And so was Kirk Hinrich's cameo (zero points, 0-for-6, 5 assists).

Chris Duhon: Du-Du gets extra special mention for missing the game -- and not even travelling to New Orleans with the team -- due to the ever-popular flu-like symptoms.

Damon Stoudemire: DNP-CD, baby. If the Spurs actually do manage to defend their title this season, he's going to be playing the role of "Glenn Robinson: Championship Remora."

Robert Horry: He let a potential game-winner fly with a couple seconds left instead of calling timeout (as coach Popovich wanted) in one of those classic "He's a genius if he hits it and an idiot if he misses" situations. And I hate to ruin the ending for you, but he was an idiot.

Toronto Raptors: They need Chris Bosh back. Badly.

T.J. Ford: Dude, chill out. Seriously.


Jason Hart: This kid really came through for me; I was afraid I was going to get through a Worst of the Night post without awarding a trillion. And Jason had a two trillion! Woo hoo!

Rafer Alston versus Sasha Vujacic: This one's a day late but worth reviewing. Near the end of the Lakers/Rockets game on Sunday, Rafer Alston went all NBA Street on Sasha Vujacic, Sasha hacked him for it, and Rafer responded by sticking a finger in Sasha's mug before getting restrained by a referee. It's kind of a shame that Alston had to transform back into Skip 2 My Lou at the tail end of his best game as a pro. It's also kind of a shame that Vujacic is such a douche. (Thanks to everybody who commented or e-mailed me about this one.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Rafer Alson, Sasha Vujacic, Smush Parker, Toronto Raptors, Wally Szczerbiak, Worst of the Night

Mario West: From Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse. "West posted 2 points and 1 rebound in two minutes of action (not lacktion, for once!), but pointlessly extended the game by poking the ball out-of-bounds on two occasions with under 20 seconds left, when all the Magic were trying to do was inbound the ball so they could run the clock out. Dude, everyone in the arena wants to go home! Give up! Of course, if I were an NBA player struggling to earn more than 40 seconds of playing time a night for the Atlanta freaking Hawks, I'd probably do everything I could to stay on the floor, too."

Dwight Howard: More from Mr. Rock. "Dwight lead the Magic with 26 points and 16 rebounds, but he padded his rebound total by snatching balls away from his teammates, including Hedo Turkoglu, who at the time of one Dwight-swipe was just one rebound away from his second career triple-double. Turk eventually got that elusive tenth rebound, but he shouldn't have had to wait that long." Ben even provided this image of Superman bogarting a board from his frontcourt mate. Even Hedo didn't think he was going to get the last rebound he needed for the triple-double. "Not when you've got to battle Dwight Howard to get it. I kept telling Dwight I only needed one, but he's the No. 1 rebounder in the league and it's hard to get one off him."

One last note: Howard almost killed Zaza Pachulia during one rebound battle. That dude is serious about rebounding.

John Hollinger: In his review of the Bulls/Cavs/Sonics trade, Hollinger made it seem as if Cleveland GM Danny Ferry was making off like some kind of cartoon bandit: "This one works, big time. Answer me this: Would you rather have Hughes (12.0 player efficiency rating) or Szczerbiak (16.0)? Brown (8.5) or West (10.1)? Marshall (8.5) or Wallace (12.1)? Gooden (12.8) or Smith (17.4)?"

I thought this assessment was a wee bit bogus, mostly because Hollinger fiddled somewhat with the comparisons. After all, juxtaposing the PER of Shannon Brown and Delonte West didn't seem particularly fair, considering that Brown had appeared - and briefly - in only 15 games while West had played in 35 and gotten more minutes. Furthermore, Marshall was a seldom-used reserve who had made a mere 11 cameo appearances for the Cavs, whereas Ben Wallace was a starter who had played 50 games at a rate of more than 32 minutes per. And wouldn't Wallace versus Drew Gooden had make a better one-for-one comparison anyway? I guess what I'm saying is that, at the time, if felt as though Hollinger arranged the player matchoffs so he could use his PER numbers to support his "Cleveland won this one" argument.

But here's a little post-script to Hollinger's "This one works, big time" declaration. Wally's PER has plummetted from 15.8 to 9.1 while Larry Hughes' has soared from 11.8 to 15.3. Wallace's has dropped from 12.0 to 10.9 while Drew Gooden's has gone from 12.7 to 15.0. So, based solely on the PER numbers, does this mean that Hollinger was wrong, big time? I'll be interested to see whether he has anything to say on the subject.

Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak: Big Ben - or "Big Bum" if you follow the Chicago newspapers - scored zero points (0-for-4) and grabbed 5 rebounds before leaving the game with back spasms, a common malady among the elderly. Meanwhile, Wally World played 27 sizzling minutes, scoring 8 points (2-for-5) to go along with 2 rebounds and an assist. Szczerbiak is now shooting 32 percent since the trade, which is roughly equal to Larry Hughes' post-trade shooting numbers.

Jarrett Jack and James Jones: The play of these two guys, Jones especially, is absolutely critical to the Blazers' success. So it's not surprising - considering their combination of 6 points on 1-for-12 shooting - that Portland scored only 80 points in a tough loss.

Sam Cassell's Boston debut: This is what the Celtics have been waiting all season for? Sam-I-Am went scoreless (0-for-2), committed a couple of turnovers, and got whistled for 4 fouls in 5 entirely unimpressive minutes. But Sam's not sweating it. "My timing is off. Not knowing the sets, not knowing where to go on the court is tough. I know I’ll play more than 5 minutes. I'm not even worried about it."

Josh Powell and Quinton Ross: These guys started last night for the Clippers, and they both with scoreless (0-for-8) in a combined 42 minutes of lacktion. And Mario West is pissed about it.

Pat Riley: Why did it take Riles so long to shut Wade down for the year? Seriously, he should have done it 10 or 15 games ago, at least. Of course, Heat fans - assuming there are any left - can't be all that excited about the prospect of watching Ricky Davis get 15-to-20 shots a game for the rest of the season. But hey, maybe Shawn Marion will actually learn how to create his own shot over that time.

New Jersey Nets: Yeah, I know they caught the wrong team at the wrong time. The Rockets are clearly peaking right now. But still: 30 percent field goal shooting, zero percent three-point shooting, only 12 assists. Ugly. Very, very ugly.

Vince Carter and Devin Harris: These two men are the future of the franchise. And that might be a big problem. Vince scored 13 points on 5-for-15 shooting. Harris scored 10 on 3-for-10 shooting and dished out one lonely assist. I feel the need to point these things out again: Vince is not a franchise player, and Harris is not a point guard - he's a two-guard trapped in a point guard's body.

Nate Robinson: Last night's 2-for-14 shooting performance is a sure sign that he won't be scoring 45 again any time soon. Unless, you know, he shows up to my Wednesday night pickup league. And maybe not even then.

Isiah Thomas: Dude is so ready to be fired. Not only did he get booed on the road again, he answered only one question in his postgame press conference - and it was about Jason Kidd - before running out the door without a word. Here is the full text of Isiah's postgame commentary, in case you're interested: "[Kidd] gets them out in transition. He gets them a lot of easy baskets. In that first quarter, every time we missed a shot - we came out cold - and every time we missed a shot, it was a fast-break layup, and everything was initiated by Kidd. He's a great player." This transcript does not include the sound of footsteps or a slamming door, but it could.

Chris Duhon: Remember how Duhon got fined and suspended for one game for missing the Bulls' Sunday morning shootaround and then basically said he didn't care? And then we all found out that he'd overslept because he'd flown to North Carolina on Saturday night to attend the Duke/North Carolina game? You might wonder why a professional basketball player who's already on the verge of being out of the league in a couple of months would do something so stupid. Well, now we know: "I wanted to go to a place where I felt comfortable and be around people who can boost my self-esteem." Wow. Hey Chris, I hope that little ego-boost is worth standing in an unemployment line this summer. For the record, Duhon is making $3.2 million this season. I don't know about you, but making that kind of green in a single year would go a long way toward raising this man's self-esteem. So John Paxson, if you're reading this, not only am I available but I also know how to set an alarm clock. Call me.

Mark Cuban: He has banned "bloggers" from the Mavericks' locker room. Ironically enough, the announcement was made on his blog. This is, of course, a response to the "Fire Avery Johnson" campaign. A petulant and immature response, but a response nonetheless. And this isn't the first time Cuban has given the stink-eye to a blogger. Why does Cuban hate bloggers so much, when he, himself, is a blogger? Is this a sign of some festering self-hatred? Let's hope so.

Now you face Doom! Dr. Doom took over my NBA Closer column today. Read it. Or else Doom won't be happy. And you really want him to be happy.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chris Duhon, Dwight Howard, Isiah Thomas, John Hollinger, New Jersey Nets, Pat Riley, Sam Cassell, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak

Atlanta Hawks: The dirty birds' drive to miss the Eastern Conference playoffs continued on Friday night with their fourth loss in a row, courtesy of the Charlotte Spoilers Bobcats. For the record, all four of those losses were by double-digits (10, 17, 15, and 15). But a crappy conference will always have the last laugh, and Atlanta probably won't miss the playoffs no matter how hard they try, thanks to back-to-back wins against the Heat on Saturday (more on that below) and the fact that the teams behind them (New Jersey, Chicago, and Indiana) might be even worse than they are. If it's possible to make the playoffs by default, the Hawks might be the team to do it.

Bonzi Wells and Mike James: So much for beefing up the Hornets' bench. Bonzi missed both weekend games (bruised Achilles' tendon) and James totalled 3 points (1-for-6) and 1 turnover in just under 11 minutes of lack-tion. If it hasn't yet dawned on New Orleans GM Jeff Bower why the Rockets were so willing to go two-for-one on the Bobby Jackson trade, then somebody needs to check his pulse, and fast.

Chris Duhon: C-Du is the winner of this weekend's Golden Poopy award. He was fined and suspended for the Bulls' Sunday evening matchup against the Pistons after missing the team's morning shootaround. Now, you'd probably assume that a roleplayer who's trying desperately to cling to the tattered remains of his NBA career would be at least somewhat humble and apologetic after an incident like this. But you'd be totally wrong. Said Duhon: "It wasn't my fault. I didn't get my wakeup call." Now there's a heaping helping of personal responsibility for you. But it didn't stop there. "I haven't been playing the last six or seven games," said Duhon, conveniently forgetting the 25 minutes he played on Friday night against the Celtics. "Ususally, I don't play anyway, so it doesn't have that much of an effect on me." Of course, Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordan both picked up two fouls in the first six minutes of the game, and Thabo Sefolosha is still out with a strained left groin. In other words, the Bulls needed Duhon, but Duhon wasn't available. Of course, he was available to fly to North Carolina to watch Saturday night's Duke-North Carolina game, which didn't end until 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And the daylight-saving time changover made the night an hour shorter. Duhon chartered a flight to Detroit, but he still got in pretty late, which, you know, might have made him a little sleepy. Keep in mind, though, it's still not his fault. He didn't get his wakeup call. And he hasn't been playing anyway. So get off his back.

DeSagana Diop: Hmm, quite a weekend for Captain Senegal: He scored 1 point (0-for-3) and grabbed 7 rebounds in two games. That sound you just heard was a soft, self-satisfied chuckle from Mark Cuban.

Devin Harris: He sure showed the Mavs what they're missing, huh? With the chance at a revenge game against his old team, Harris sunk to the occasion by scoring 9 points on 3-for-12 shooting and dishing out only 2 assists. As a team, the Nets had a total of 12 assists…one fewer than Jason Kidd had for the Mavs. When asked about the difference between playing point for the Nets, Harris said: "There’s a lot more freedom, I'm more off the leash." Uh, somebody better get that leash back on him. Quickly. Critics of the trade should probably note that Dirk Nowitzki has been on fire since Kidd joined the team.

Devean George: Captain Cockblock sure had a weekend to forget. He scored zero points (0-for-5), grabbed a couple rebounds, and had his shot blocked twice in just under 8 minutes of playing time against the Nets. Good thing he held onto those Larry Bird rights...

The Denver Nuggets: I didn't think anybody could play worse defense against the Jazz than the Suns did on Friday. Leave it to the Nuggets to totally prove me wrong. Utah scored 132 points on 60 percent shooting, including 73 percent from beyond the arc. Once again, there's no D in Enver.

Jason Kapono: On Friday night, the NBA's reigning Three-point King failed to convert a three-pointer for the ninth straight game. In fact, he didn't even attempt one. Kapono finally broke the seal on Sunday by hitting 2-for-3 from beyond the arc against the Sonics, but before that he'd hit only two threes in the last 22 games. But look at the bright side: He was shooting 50 percent during that stretch (2-for-4). But seriously, when you're a three-point specialist, why would you suddenly stop doing what you do best? That would be like if Dwight Howard stopped dunking, or if Kwame Brown stopped sucking.

Joakim Noah, quote machine: After the Pistons held off the Bulls' second-half rally, the reckless rookie had this to say: "With our style of play, there's no reason we shouldn't have beaten that team. I think Detroit's a great team, but I still think we are better than them, really. I feel like we're a better team." Ooookay. I guess Joakim didn't learn very much in that extra year at college. No time for class. Too sleepy.

Kobe Bryant: The NBA's "best closer" got closed out in the second half of the Lakers' 114-113 loss to the Sacramento Kings. Mamba scored 26, but only 6 of those came in the second half, during which he shot 1-for-7. He also missed a potential game-winner at the buzzer. What's more, Pau Gasol and Sasha Vujacic got most of the shots down the stretch, prompting a little passive-aggressive agression from Kobe. "I'm okay. I'm moving on. We'll make adjustments offensively." In case you haven't brushed up on your Kobe-to-English translations, this means he'll be getting more shots next time.

Los Angeles Clippers: The Clippers went 0-for-the-weekend, and they did it in true Clipper fashion. On Friday, the Lakers beat them by 37 points, and even that losing margin doesn't do justice to the brutality of the groin-kicking they received. On Saturday, their ego-ectomy was completed by a 99-96 home loss to the 14-win Timberwolves.

Mario West: After four straight games of at least one minute and three seconds of PT, Super Mario got only four seconds on Saturday night against the Heat.

Miami Heat: Wow. This was a catastrophic weekend, even by Heat standards. On Friday night, they lost by 35 points at home to the Golden State Warriors. (In honor of the Heat and their pooptastic season, I'm adding "35-point home loss" to the list of things that earn an automatic Worst of the Weekend bid.) Then, on Saturday night, they lost not once but twice to the Atlanta Hawks. And I'm not even exaggerating. First, they replayed the last 51.9 seconds of the "dispute game" and lost 114-111 (and since they lost this game 117-111 the first time, that means they lost the same game on two differenct occasions). Then they went out and lost their regularly scheduled game to the Hawks 97-94. So that's three losses in two nights, including one game they got to lose for the second time. That could be considered a four-loss weekend, which has to be some kind of NBA record. Go Heat.

Nate Robinson: Nate the Great scored a career-high 45 points against the Portland Trailblazers. And he was pretty happy about it. I mean really happy about it. As in totally freaking the hell out about it. As much as I hate to be a wet blanket, somebody should probably remind him that 1. he still plays for the New York Knicks and 2. his team didn't even win that game. Oh, wait, somebody did tell him. Said Robinson: "Forty-five pretty much washed away." Yep, that about sums it up.

New York Knicks: Normally, there's no shame in losing to the Detroit Pistons. But there is when Rasheed Wallace misses the game (sprained left ankle) and leading scorer Rip Hamilton gets ejected in the first half. And the Knicks were playing at home. What would it have taken for New York to come away with the win, for Detroit's entire starting five missing the game? Things both improved and didn't improve on Saturday: The Knicks played some of their best basketball of the season without Eddy Curry (sore right knee), Jamal Crawford (right hand), and Zach Randolph (bruised right foot), but they lost anyway. Note that the Knicks lost all four of their games at Madison Square Garden this week. Yikes.

Phoenix Suns: You know the drill. Their defense sucks. It sucks large, hairy ape testicles. The Jazz scored 126 points – including 41 in the final quarter – and shot 57 percent as a team. In Phoenix. My problem with the Suns remains the same. It's not that they can't play defense, which they proved against San Antonio on Sunday, it's that they won't. Look, they may not have a lot of great individual defenders, but defense is less about physical skill than it is about focus, determination, and all-out effort. The Suns' players and coaches all keep saying the right things about needing to stop people, but it's time to stop paying the lip service and start laying the wood on somebody. Not just once in a while, but every game. Their offense is fine, but they can't just hope to outscore their oppoents every night anymore. It's time to start stopping people.

Oleksiy Pecherov: He may sound like one of the red-shirted extras on Star Trek, but he actually plays – well, sometimes, and sparingly – for the Washington Wizards. Against the Raptors, he scored a one trillion for every vowel in his last name. (I can't count, and I don’t know what a "vowel" is, but I think it was three.)

Sacramento Kings: If back-to-back losses to the Clippers and Timberwolves – the latter of which happened in Sacramento – don't humble this team, then they've officially stopped caring. About anything. Those losses were rendered even more mystifying on Sunday night when they pulled off a big-time road win over the Lakers. Said Ron Artest: "Wow, we just stepped up against the good team. It's unfortunate we can’t step up against the bad teams." Pretty much, yeah.

Seattle SuperSonics: I know they suck, and I know that the 76ers have been playing great lately, but 34 point losses to sub-.500 teams always merit a mention in Worst of the Weekend. Especially when Samuel Dalembert dunks you into a bleary-eyed submission. On Sunday, the Sonics continued to get their junk handed to them by heretofore comatose big men when they were defeated by the Rasho Nesterovic-led Toronto Raptors. (Don't bother to schedule an appointment with an ophthalmologist; you read that correctly.)

Wally Szczerbiak: Everyone in Cleveland is still waiting for Wally to be the shooter they traded for. But he's hit only 27-for-85 (31 percent) since getting traded to the Cavs, including 8-for-25 this weekend versus the Bulls and Pacers. For the record, his PER has dropped from 15.8 to 9.0 since the trade. On the flipside, Larry Hughes' PER has gone from 11.8 to 15.3. So, ahem John Hollinger. You have some 'splaining to do.

Yahoo box scores: Check out this box score from the Kings/Lakers game. I find it rather amazing, and amusing, that Yahoo has a picture of Beno available for their "Top Performers" box, but they didn't have one for Pau Gasol. Unless of course Pau had his face surgically altered to look like a Lakers logo. Which wouldn't totally surprise me, now that I think about it.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chris Duhon, Denver Nuggets, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Wally Szczerbiak

Antoine Walker: Basketbawful reader Jochem de Graas was quick to pick up on the rather laughable pretext for Employee #8's absence from the Timberwolve's matchup against the Raptors: "The reason Antoine Walker didn't play last night: Minnesota forward Antoine Walker didn't travel to Toronto because of what Wittman called 'a passport problem.' On the bottom under game notes. That's more creative then flu-like symptons." True enough, Jochem. If the NBA ever expands to Europe, I predict that "passport problems" will become the new "flu-like symptoms." You heard it here first, folks.

The Orlando Magic starting backcourt: Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans combined to score only 2 points (1-for-6) in 43 minutes of lack-tion. Nelson at least dished out 7 assists; Evans' line of zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists, 1 turnover, 1 steal and 1 foul made me wonder whether something tragic had happened to a close family member. His mind obviously wasn't in the game, and his body was barely there either.

Kevin Martin: We did mention that he's The Man in Sacramento now that Mike Bibby's gone, right? Well, when's he going to start playing like it? Speedracer scored a mere 6 points on 2-for-9 shooting against Bibby's new team. And the rest of his stat line was just as uninspiring: 1 rebound, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, 2 steals, 2 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -19...worst on the team. Also, the Atlanta backcourt lit the place on fire (Bibby had 24 points and 12 assists, Joe Johnson scored 26). I do like me a good revenge game. Congrats, Bib. It's too bad that, at the end of the day, you're still a Hawk.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" once again. Two night after getting ejected for arguing an out-of-bounds call, Hinrich got benched 56 seconds into the third quarter -- for Larry Hughes, no less -- and never returned. Said Chicago coach Jungle Jim Boylan: "I said there's competition out here. Bring your 'A' game or come down and sit next to me. That's the way that went tonight. I just didn't like the way the first couple possessions went. Everybody's accountable and there are no exceptions." Hinrich scored 6 points (2-for-3) and dished 3 assists in the 16 minutes and 35 seconds he was on the floor. After the game, he left the locker room "quickly without commenting."

Shawne Williams: According to the AP game recap, "Pacers F Shawne Williams (personal reasons) left at halftime and didn’t return." Well, here are those reasons: "A man wanted for murder in Memphis, Tenn., was arrested Wednesday night after leaving the home of Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams on the Northeastside, according to Indianapolis metropolitan police." It doesn't get much more "personal" than harboring a murdering fugitive from justice, does it. For his part, Williams said, "I feel like I let my organization (and) my teammates down, along with the Simon brothers (team owners Mel and Herb) and my family." Williams also said that he "wasn't very close" with Rollins, and would be more careful in the future. Mind you, this incident comes only a few days after a woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home (though not by Daniels) during a "small gathering." Man, the Pacers really need to start making better friends.

Travis Diener: This is how I put it in my NBA Closer column over at Deadspin: "After Larry Hughes lit the Pacers up for 29 points (10-for-19) in Chicago's 113-107 victory, Dick Diener's little nephew shamelessly abused the English language by stringing the following nonsense words together: "[Hughes] is a good player. There's a reason he has a big contract. They don't just throw money away to [bad] players." Oh yes they do, Travis. They most certainly do. Exhibit A: Stephon Marbury is currently making $20,109,375 (the third highest salary in the league). Exhibit B: Raef LaFrentz (1.7 PPG, 1.6 RPG) is making $11,813,750. Exhibit C: Antoine Walker and Kwame Brown are both making around $9 million this season...and Employee #8 still has three years and $30 million left on his contract! (Have fun choking down that buyout, Kevin.) So I think it's been pretty firmly established that "they" do indeed reward bad players with fat contracts."

Wally Szczerbiak: Wasn't Wally World supposed to be an upgrade over Larry Hughes? On a night in which Hughes led his new team to victory on the road by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting, Szczerbiak scored 12 points on 3-for-13 shooting...a performance so close to the Cleveland Cavaliers version of Larry Hughes that I'm starting to wonder if the two players didn't just switch bodies or something.

Dwyane Jones and Billy Thomas: These two men arose from the Cleveland bench to play 29 seconds a piece and go zero-for-everything. Yet, amazingly, they both had a +/- score of +5, which tied for second-best on the team -- and much, much better than LeBron's -13. So I guess that means the Cavs would have won if those guys had just gotten some more playing time, right? Riiiiight. I just love these New Age stats.

Brian Scalabrine: A few weeks ago, Brian was Boston's starting power forward. Now that Kevin Garnett has returned to the lineup, he's racked up six straight DNP-CDs. Of course, we're supposed to believe he has a strained right groin and not a case of the "Thanks for filling in and everything, but now that KG's back we don't really need you anymore."

LeBron James: The King scored the 10,000th point of his NBA career, becoming the youngest player in league history to reach the 10K mark (23 years and 59 days). But James' misguided shooting (7-for-24) sunk the Cavs' chances of upsetting the Celtics in Boston. (And yes, I know he sprained his ankle.)

The Charlotte Bobcats: They didn't just lose to the Knicks, they got blown the hell out. Sure, Gerald Wallace was out and Jason Richardson left early because he got poked in the eye. But we at Basketbawful have exacting standards, and every loss to New York warrants a mention in Worst of the Night.

Eddy Curry: On a night when the Knicks were lighting up the scoreboard like an old-school pinball machine, E-City scored zero points (0-for-3) and grabbed 3 rebounds in 15 minutes of listless lack-tion before getting intimately acquainted (again) with the Madison Square Garden bench.

The Phoenix Suns defense: This is probably a bogus Worst of the Night entry, since there is no Phoenix Suns defense. Also, Boris Diaw continued to suck, so badly in fact that I'm not even going to give him his own entry. He is officially dead to me.

Rasheed Wallace: 'Sheed had another one of "those games," shooting 2-for-12 from the field and 0-for-5 beyond the arc. There's no word as of yet how many of those three-point attempts were left-handed.

The Seattle SuperSonics defense: Yet another nonexistent D. The Sonics played defense with the passion and fire of a bunch of cardboard cutouts of the Wizard of Oz munchkins, giving up an NBA season-high in points (138) and a Denver franchise record in field goal percentage (67). If we find out later today that Bill Walton's head exploded last night, I promise you this game will be the reason why.

Kevin Durant: I just hate this guy's game. I hate it. I read yesterday that a TrueHoop reader compared Durant to Pistol Pete Maravich and I swear to my savage pagan gods that I projectile vomited on the spot. Are you kidding me? No, seriously, are you kidding me?! The comparison is valid only insomuch as any high-scoring, heralded rookie who has a rough start in the league could be compared to Pete. The exact same thing could have been said about Adam Morrison last year. The difference is, Pete Maravich was an absolute sensation in college, and in the NBA, even if his first season went much more poorly than expected. Durant does not possess the Pistol's artistry nor his flare for the dramatic, not to mention his crazy handles. Maravich was one-of-a-kind..he revolutionized the way the game was played! Yeaargh! Okay. Okay, I'm done. Michael from Seattle, I know you'll never see this, but please, for the love of all that's pure and good about the sport of professional basketball, do not ever blaspheme the name of Pete Maravich like that again. (Sidenote: Durant scored 16 points on 17 shots last night. Potential ROYs should be able to average at least one point per shot, in my book.)

Blazers versus Clippers: This ended up being a very exciting game, but the first three quarters, well, they weren't exactly easy on the eyes. As Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm put it in an email to me: "Hragnn...Clippers...39...Portland...42...with 7:45 gnarhc...in 3rd quarter...negativ basketbooool, maiking...meee stooopid..."

Labels: Antoine Walker, Charlotte Bobcats, Eddy Curry, Kevin Durant, Kirk Hinrich, Lebron James, Phoenix Suns, Wally Szczerbiak

DeSagana Diop: The Man The Mavericks Should Not Have Given Up had yet another sucksational game last night: Zero points (0-for-0), 3 rebounds, 1 blocked shot, and 5 fouls in 9 minutes of lack-tion. For the record, those are Greg Kite-like numbers.

Vince Carter: Half-Man, Half-I-Hate-Physical-Contact led the Nets with 26 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. And according to the shot chart, 18 of those attempts were jumpers...seven of which were catapulted from at least 27 feet out. I'll give him a mulligan on the 42-footer he launched at the end of the second quarter, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not even trying to take it to the rim anymore.

Sacramento Kings: Well, it had to happen at some point. Some unlucky team was going to hand the Miami Heat their 10th win of the season, and that unlucky team was the Kings. And they did it in truly craptacular fashion, scoring 11 points in the third quarter on 2-for-20 shooting en route to a 21-point blowout.

Ron Artest: If you haven't already read about Ron Artest's soon-to-be-famous "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft" quote, you have now. Now that Mike Bibby is out of the picture, Artest finally has the chance to be the Big Cheese in Sacramento. But last night, he was just the Big Cheez Whiz, shooting 3-for-14 and getting lit up on defense.

Pat Riley: I know it's been a long time between wins, but that doesn't really explain the following post-game quote from Riles: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

The Cleveland Cavaliers' end-of-game defense: LeBron James hit a layup with 5.9 seconds left, after which the Bucks inbounded to Michael Redd, who drove unmolested down the length of the court before hitting the game-winning shot at the buzzer over the outstretched hands of Wally Szczerbiak. Said LeBron: "There's nothing you can do about that. The guy made a 35-footer fading away." Well, first of all, it was a 27-footer, and second of all...nothing you can do about it?! There were less than 6 seconds left in the game. They knew Redd would have to take the ball at least 70 feet and take a quick shot, so why not double-team him or use a full-court press to get the ball out of his hands. Why give the opposing team's best player a chance to win the game?

Wally Szczerbiak: Not only did he get immortalized in Redd's poster, Wally World shot 5-for-18 from the field. You know, when the Cavs acquired him to fill Larry Hughes shooter/scorer role, they didn't intend for him to actually shoot like Larry Hughes. How's that PER comparison looking now, Mr. Hollinger?

Yi Jianlian: Haven't heard Yi's name in the highlights lately? There's a reason for that. He sucks. Last night Yao's heir scored 2 points (0-for-1) in 15 minutes of off-the-bench lack-tion. Kwame Brown and Andrea Bargnani had better look out...Yi is starting to eye the "Worst Draft Pick Ever" crown.

ESPN's NBA Playlist: Can you find Waldo in ESPN's playlist of videos from last night's NBA action? Here, let me help you...


Raja Bell: On a night in which his team shot almost 60 percent from the field, Raja missed all his two-point field goal attempts and hit only 3-for-12 overall. Didn't Shaq say he was going to make Raja the best shooter in the league? He's only 8-for-29 in the four games he's played with the Big Cactus.

Kwame Brown: From starting center to DNP-CD in just one game.

Marc Iavaroni: After his Grizzlies got caught in the Suns' bear trap, the former Phoenix assistant said: "I think they were just trying to outscore us." There's some crack analysis, huh? First off, it's the Phoenix Suns. Secondly, isn't the goal of every basketball game to outscore your opponents? Just checking, but I'm pretty sure that's the case.

Utah Jazz: There is no excuse whatsoever for a Western Conference playoff contender and division leader to lose to the Minnesota Timberwolves. For today, I am ashamed to be a Jazz fan.

Antoine Walker: You'll notice he hasn't been on the Minnesota roster for a few games. That's because Fatoine wants the T-Wolves to buy him out so he can go get more playing time for a contender. You might be tempted to think that last sentence was the result of all the glue I sniffed this morning, but I promise you that it's the God's honest truth.

Fickle Fate: Yao Ming, injured again, this time with a stress fracture in his left foot. It's not easy being a giant, it just isn't. And it looks like Yao may require surgery to implant a couple screws in his foot to hold the bones together. I'm guessing that wouldn't do a lot to improve his already limited mobility. I can't tell you how much Yao's injury saddens and disappoints me.

The Washington Wizards: The Wiz scored a franchise-low 23 points in the first half, shot 31 percent for the game, and received a 94-69 spanking from the now Yao-less Rockets. Remember all those "They're playing so well without Gilbert Arenas" stories? Man, that seems like a long time ago.

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith followed up his first-ever game-winning shot with an ugly 5-point, 2-for-12 performance. I guess he celebrated a little too hard the night before.

Dikembe Mutombo: The ancient center had this to say after starting in place of the injured Yao: "I believe I set the tempo early and everybody just followed." Now, don't get me wrong, because Mount Mutombo played pretty well for an old guy. But well past the point of setting tempo, unless it's for a funeral march. Edit: Oops. I was wrong. He really did set the tempo.

Seattle SuperSonics: It's not so much that they lost -- I stopped expecting anything out of the Sonics months ago -- it's that they let Austin Croshere beat them (14 points, 6-for-6 shooting, all in the second half). You can never trust a team that gets beaten by Austin Croshere.

Al Harrington: He scored 5 points on 2-for-9 shooting last night. That's not his worst game of the season, but it is a reminder that the Harrington-for-Dunleavy Jr. swap has -- so far -- been a bigger benefit for the Pacers than the Warriors. And that's bad.

Kelenna Azubuike: This second-year man out of London, England was last night's one trillion award winner. Congratulations, Kelenna!

Derek Fisher: Fish was a big part of the Lakers' resurgence earlier this season, but he's been The Forgotten Man in L.A.'s offense since the Pau Gasol trade. And last night's 2-point performance was the first game this season he failed to hit a single field goal (0-for-4).

Labels: Antoine Walker, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeSagana Diop, Dikembe Mutombo, Pat Riley, Ron Artest, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards