The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Atlanta Hawks: When you hold your opponent to five points on 6 percent shooting in the first quarter, you're probably well on your way to a nice, easy win. Unless, of course, you are the Atlanta Hawks, who have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1968. And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort. The Hawks shot 33 percent as a team and committed 22 turnovers. All-Star Joe Johnson hit only 5-of-12 shots and threw the ball away 6 times. Mike Bibby couldn't throw a ping pong ball in the ocean (1-for-11). Josh Smith shot 2-for-12 and lost the ball 8 times. Mario Williams scored a one trillion. Say it with me once again: They are who we thought they were.

Marquis Daniels: A woman was allegedly raped at Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

Travis Diener: I'm not going to going to mention the whole "name rhymes with wiener" thing -- oops, I mentioned it -- because the real issue was his 2-for-10 shooting performance. What, the Pacers miss Jamaal Tinsley so much they replaced him with sombody who shoots even worse? Diener's hitting 33 percent of his shots on the season. He's only hit 50 percent of his shots once in 10 games this month, and he's had nights of 2-for-8, 1-for-7, 2-for-8 again, 1-for-7 again, 2-for-6, and 3-for-9. I thought white guards were supposed to be able to shoot. That's what they do, right? Shoot?

Andrea Bargnani: His 25-point discharge against the Knicks had me a little worried. I thought I was going to lose one of my favorite human dartboards. But, again, he is who we thought he was: 2 points (1-for-5) and 3 turnovers. Not his worst game by any stretch of the imagination, but it merits Worst of the Night mention since it immediately followed so many foolishly raised expectations.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" last night, scoring zero points (0-for-2) to go along with 2 assists and 3 turnovers in 11 minutes of playing time. Oh, and did I mention he got tossed near the end of the first half for arguing with referee Monty McCutchen that a loose ball was knocked out of bounds by Jason Kidd. Getting yourself ejected when your team is up by 30 is kind of stupid, but getting thrown out when your team is in a dog fight against a good team on the road is [puts on Bill Walton hat] selfish, irresponsible, self-aggrandizing, and just plain terrible.

Luol Deng: He scored 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting, which isn't the strongest case for Worst of the Night status, until you consider that John Paxson absolutely refused to trade for Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, or even Kobe Bryant if Deng was to be included in the trade. How'd that work out for you, Pax?

Bill Simmons: The man who consistently loses out to his wife on NFL picks bashed the Jason Kidd trade because Kidd can't shoot (5-for-7 last night), can't get to the hole anymore (3-for-4 on layups), can't make things any easier for Dirk (29 points, 10 rebounds), and Jerry Stackhouse is washed up (23 points, 7-for-11). Good calls, one and all, Bill. Sure, it's only one game, and it was against the Bulls. But still...

J.R. Smith: He faked Chauncey Billups out on a crossover and drew a foul with 6.5 seconds remaining and the Nuggets down by two. Then he went and gonked both freethrows and the Pistons went on to win 98-93. Hey, maybe the Detroit fans distracted hi...wait, what? They were playing in Denver? Never mind, then. Said Smith: "I feel awful." No. You feel basketbawful. Edit: My bad, guys and gals. Basketbawful reader Andrew correctly informed me that the Nuggets were down three when Smith got fouled on a three-point attempt. Smith made the first 'throw, boned the second, then intentionally missed the third. It is, nonetheless, still awful.

Marcus Camby: While I'm dissing on the Nuggets, let's not forget Mr. "I shoulda been an All-Star" Camby, who shot 1-for-8 last night. He was 0-for-1 on layups and 1-for-7 on jumpers. Only one of his shots -- the layup -- came in the paint. He's a center, right? Thinks he should have been an All-Star center, right? Okay. Just checking.

The Los Angeles Clippers: You know what? Forget it. They've been through enough.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Bill Simmons, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Clippers, luol deng, Marcus Camby, Marquis Daniels, San Antonio Spurs