Ball.
To start your evening, go check out this link. Now. Do it. It's Brian Scalabrine getting a spray tan (which we will get to see in action tomorrow night!). (Thanks to JE Skeets for passing that link along on his Twitter feed)

We all know the Kings Purple Paupers are a mess. Remember when Excremento was playing .500 ball for several weeks? Now they're only slightly better than the Nyets. Coach Paul Westphal has taken a little heat from his players about this, and now he's bullying Spencer Hawes, while Tyreke Evans gets off scot-free, even though he had much harsher words for Coach Westphal. Great way to build team chemistry and improve morale, Coach!

The fine folks over at Cowbell Kingdom have put together a recreation of just how this conversation may have gone down. Take a look:

"Precisely."

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I guess the good news is that he only sprained the ankle instead of turning it into a fine paste of shattered bone and shredded ligaments. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

The last time I saw someone get violated like this, it involved Carl and Hand Banana.

Woah! That hand is even more screwed up than mine!!

"Oh my God. I see this team every day and even I can't believe what I'm seeing."

Wow. Yi's dunk face is about as scary as a Teletubby.
...Then again, I dunno. That purple Teletubby looks kinda shady.
Yeah, a Teletubby is scarier than Yi's dunk face.

Shaq is one gigantic human being. That is all.

Sergio Rodriguez gives us another example of dying slug defense
Nationally Televised Games:
Lakers at Mavericks: Well, Kobe hit another game-winning dagger. Now he can be a SWAC for the next few games and the Laker faithfuls won't mind that much.

All The Other Games:
Timberwolves at Hawks: Sure, the Timberpoops beat the Heat last night. But that's like beating up on a high school team since D-Wade was out, so shouldn't that only count as half a win or something?

Grizzlies at Wizards Generals Bullets: Tweet of the day: "Josh Howard will miss the season after tearing the anterior cruciate ligament. Once again, he has a problem with his joints." Damn. Totally kicking myself right now for not thinking of that joke.

Frail Blazers at Raptors: Last night, Chris texted me while I was at the bowling alley to let me know Camby was hurt, and the Curse of Bill Walton had struck again. I was most decidedly not incredulous. I mean, who didn't see this one coming? You can never fully wash off the stink of the Clippers, and being a big man on the Frail Blazers is like wearing a red shirt on Star Trek. No good can come from it.

Pacers at Bulls: Just go away, Pacers. You're too boring to make fun of, and not good enough to hate.

Hornets at Bucks: Brandon Jennings only went 1-of-9 from the field in a four point effort against the Bricks' defense on Monday. The Bricks!!

Magic at Rockets: FYI, Daryl Morey was on Bill Simmons' podcast earlier this week. Well worth a listen.

Thunder at Spurs: The Thunder had their win streak blown last night. A little good scheduling luck for the Spurs?

76ers at Suns: Well, the Suns managed to win last night in come-from-behind fashion on the road. Watch them blow this theoretically easy home game.

Bobcats at Jazz: As we know, the Bobcats get up for big games. This might actually be an entertaining one.

Pistons at Clippers: Oof.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Marcus Camby, Paul Westphal

I had a few things to say about the (horrible/ridiculous/hilarious) Marcus Camby trade over at Deadspin. So if you want to know what I think and enjoy gratuitous Star Wars references, go read it.

In the meantime, enjoy this little gaffe committed by the Chicago Tribune (via ChicagoSports.com). Oh, and thank Basketbawful reader Frank for catching it and sending in the picture...because it has since been corrected.

Labels: Chicago Tribune, Denver Nuggets, dumb trades, Los Angeles Clippers, Marcus Camby

The Golen State Warriors versus the Enver Nuggets: These two D-less teams are in a brutal dogfight for the title of "Worst Defensive Team in the League." The Warriors gave it their best shot by letting the Sacramento Kings score 122 points on 58 percent shooting, but the Nuggets hit first and hardest by giving up 136 points to the Pistons, who shot 60 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. The 1990-91 Denver Nuggets are officially getting nervous.

Marcus Camby: His Defensive Player of the Year award looks more and more ridiculous with every passing game. Rebounding and shot-blocking do not make you the best defensive player in the league. Let me put it this way: If you had to choose one defensive player to save your grandma's life, would you pick Camby or, say, Shane Battier? That's what I thought.

Detroit Pistons equipment manager: Who's that Hamiltion guy who was playing for the Pistons last night? Did they sign him out of the D-League on a 10-day contract or something? Wait, that was NBA All-Star Rip Hamilton? Oh, okay. I thought he looked kinda familiar. (Via Ball Don't Lie.)


Taurean Green: Mr. Green won the Mario West Award for least PT of the night, clocking in at a mighty 18 seconds.

Fun fact: Did you know that Taurean is the son of former NBA player Sidney Green? Well, now you do. Go here to download a Taurean Green widget.

Milwaukee Bucks: Way to choke one up to the worst team in the league, guys. And you get extra points for doing it at home. Said said Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak: "I don’t feel like guys have turned me off. People are still paying attention, but that’s a rough question to ask a coach." I hate to be the one to break this to you, Larry, but they started tuning you out a while ago.

Pat Riley: Is it just me, or does anybody else think Riley went a little crazy over his team's 12th win of the season? Either that, or he did a line of coke after the game, because insanity and drug use are the only plausible reasons I can come up with for why Riley comparied Jason Williams and Chris Quinn to Hall of Famers Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. And I really don't think he was joking, since basketball scientists have proven that Riley hasn't had a sense of humor since the early 1980s.

The New Jersey trade gang: Sure, Jason Kidd played like crap last night (see below), but that doesn't mean the Nets "won" in the blockbuster trade game. Devin Harris wasn't playing particularly well (4 points, 2-for-6, 3 assists, 3 turnovers, 17 minutes) even before he left the game with an ankle injury. DeSagana Diop (4 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 block) did not inspire awe. And Trenton Hassell was 2 personal fouls and an unlikely assist away from a seven trillion.

Jason Kidd: Last night was the worst game of Kidd's second stint with the Mavericks: 1 point (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 7 assists. He played so badly that Avery Johnson left him on the bench from 6:27 of the third to 5:51 of the fourth. Doesn't The Little General know you can't leave old guys on the bench that long? They get all stiff and useless. Or in Kidd's case, useless-er.

Dirk Nowitizki's unclutchtasticness: Yes, he brought the Mavs back from a 25-point third quarter deficit, but -- in the final seconds with the game on the line -- he bobbled an inbounds pass and ducked out of the way of an airborne Lamar Odom to put up a wild, off-balance three-point attempt that wasn't even close. Charles Barkley freaked out over this after the game, and with good reason. Because while refs are reluctant to call ticky-tac fouls at the end of close games, once you get your defender into the air, you need to go into him and force the whistle. Most of the time, the refs are going to make that call, even in end-of-game situations, and especially when you're playing at home.

Josh Howard: Okay, it's not all Dirk's fault. Howard threw that inbounds pass way too low for Dirk to get a clean catch. If Howard really considers himself an All-Star-caliber player -- and he does -- then he needs to learn how to put the ball into play when it really matters.

Shane Battier's critics: After the Rockets beat the Lakers on Sunday, some people -- including "NBA historian" Charley Rosen of FOX Sports -- blasted Battier for "face guarding" Kobe Bryant. But what Battier did, which was put a hand in Kobe's face to contest his jump shots, was perfectly legal. And Rosen, who often displays an utter disdain for people who don't know their stuff, should realize that. Kudos to the guys at The Dream Shake for doing their homework. (Via The 10-Man Rotation at Ball Don't Lie.) Update: Don't you just love it when people freak out about something and bombard you with lots of meaningless facts but have no idea what they're talking about? Blogger "Tom7" over at FOX sports -- could there be a Charley Rosen connection?! -- drones on for quite a while about face guarding, noting that it is explicitly outlawed in high school rules, NCAA rules, and FIBA rules. Well...so what? This is the NBA. Tom7 should go check out page 41 of the Official Rules of the National Basketball Association, which clearly states that face guarding (or "eye guarding") is illegal only when guarding the offensive player from behind. They're called books people. Read 'em. On second thought, don't read 'em. Ask me and accept my answer as gospel. That'll work out better for both of us. (Thanks to Basketbawful reader reuben for the link.)

Rockets critics: After the Celtics ended The Streak, I got a flurry of e-mails and a couple texts telling me I was "wrong" about the Rockets. Which is funny because I never said how long The Streak would last nor that it was anything other than a cool, fun, historic run by a tough, scrappy team. And saying the Rockets didn't play well last night doesn't address the fact that Boston's defense was absolutely overwhelming, especially in the second half. With all the talk about the Western Conference playoff race, I think some people have forgotten, or never realized, how scary good the Celtics are this season.

Joel Przybilla: Look, I know it's important to stand up to Shaq and play him physically, but the constant pushing, shoving, and jersey-grabbing was a little much. Of course, the officials have let Shaq's defenders get away with that stuff for years. And, in all fairness, The Big Elbow has gotten away with his fair share of rough play. But now that the refs are starting to blow the whistle when Shaq gets a little too free with his flailing arms, shouldn't they stop letting his defenders wrassle him around so much? And also, isn't it interesting how officiating changes over the course of a player's career?

Update! Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor: Sometimes the best way to draw attention away from your crappy stewardship of the crappy team your crappy GM assembled is to take a cheap shot at your former stuperstar player. That way you're not a bad judge of basketball talent, you're just an idiot. And boy oh boy did Taylor let his stuperosity take center stage when he suggested that Kevin Garnett laid down on the job last season. In responding to a reporter's suggestion that the T-Wolves had tanked last season, Taylor said: "I don't think that. I don't like that so much. I don't like that. It was more like KG tanked it (for missing the final five games of the regular season). I think the other guys still wanted to play. But it sure changed the team and didn't make us (as good)." Now, some people think that experts and fans baby Garnett, and maybe we do...to a degree. But in this case, I'm going to let KG's intensity and work ethic speak for themselves. I mean, Garnett missed only 23 games in 12 seasons as a Timberwolf. Dude straight up brought it.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Mark submitted the best out-of-context Kobe quote of the week: "We got our hands on balls. We stretched them out offensively and we attacked them." I know this is from a while back, but still very much worth mentioning. Edit: I don't know why I didn't double-check that NBA.com link. Mark point out that Kobe's quote was, in fact, in reference to the Lakers/Mavericks game on Tuesday night.

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Dirk Nowitzki, Golden State Warriors, Jason Kidd, Joel Przybilla, Kobe Bryant, Marcus Camby, Milwaukee Bucks, Pat Riley, Shane Battier

The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Atlanta Hawks: When you hold your opponent to five points on 6 percent shooting in the first quarter, you're probably well on your way to a nice, easy win. Unless, of course, you are the Atlanta Hawks, who have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1968. And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort. The Hawks shot 33 percent as a team and committed 22 turnovers. All-Star Joe Johnson hit only 5-of-12 shots and threw the ball away 6 times. Mike Bibby couldn't throw a ping pong ball in the ocean (1-for-11). Josh Smith shot 2-for-12 and lost the ball 8 times. Mario Williams scored a one trillion. Say it with me once again: They are who we thought they were.

Marquis Daniels: A woman was allegedly raped at Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

Travis Diener: I'm not going to going to mention the whole "name rhymes with wiener" thing -- oops, I mentioned it -- because the real issue was his 2-for-10 shooting performance. What, the Pacers miss Jamaal Tinsley so much they replaced him with sombody who shoots even worse? Diener's hitting 33 percent of his shots on the season. He's only hit 50 percent of his shots once in 10 games this month, and he's had nights of 2-for-8, 1-for-7, 2-for-8 again, 1-for-7 again, 2-for-6, and 3-for-9. I thought white guards were supposed to be able to shoot. That's what they do, right? Shoot?

Andrea Bargnani: His 25-point discharge against the Knicks had me a little worried. I thought I was going to lose one of my favorite human dartboards. But, again, he is who we thought he was: 2 points (1-for-5) and 3 turnovers. Not his worst game by any stretch of the imagination, but it merits Worst of the Night mention since it immediately followed so many foolishly raised expectations.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" last night, scoring zero points (0-for-2) to go along with 2 assists and 3 turnovers in 11 minutes of playing time. Oh, and did I mention he got tossed near the end of the first half for arguing with referee Monty McCutchen that a loose ball was knocked out of bounds by Jason Kidd. Getting yourself ejected when your team is up by 30 is kind of stupid, but getting thrown out when your team is in a dog fight against a good team on the road is [puts on Bill Walton hat] selfish, irresponsible, self-aggrandizing, and just plain terrible.

Luol Deng: He scored 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting, which isn't the strongest case for Worst of the Night status, until you consider that John Paxson absolutely refused to trade for Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, or even Kobe Bryant if Deng was to be included in the trade. How'd that work out for you, Pax?

Bill Simmons: The man who consistently loses out to his wife on NFL picks bashed the Jason Kidd trade because Kidd can't shoot (5-for-7 last night), can't get to the hole anymore (3-for-4 on layups), can't make things any easier for Dirk (29 points, 10 rebounds), and Jerry Stackhouse is washed up (23 points, 7-for-11). Good calls, one and all, Bill. Sure, it's only one game, and it was against the Bulls. But still...

J.R. Smith: He faked Chauncey Billups out on a crossover and drew a foul with 6.5 seconds remaining and the Nuggets down by two. Then he went and gonked both freethrows and the Pistons went on to win 98-93. Hey, maybe the Detroit fans distracted hi...wait, what? They were playing in Denver? Never mind, then. Said Smith: "I feel awful." No. You feel basketbawful. Edit: My bad, guys and gals. Basketbawful reader Andrew correctly informed me that the Nuggets were down three when Smith got fouled on a three-point attempt. Smith made the first 'throw, boned the second, then intentionally missed the third. It is, nonetheless, still awful.

Marcus Camby: While I'm dissing on the Nuggets, let's not forget Mr. "I shoulda been an All-Star" Camby, who shot 1-for-8 last night. He was 0-for-1 on layups and 1-for-7 on jumpers. Only one of his shots -- the layup -- came in the paint. He's a center, right? Thinks he should have been an All-Star center, right? Okay. Just checking.

The Los Angeles Clippers: You know what? Forget it. They've been through enough.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Bill Simmons, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Clippers, luol deng, Marcus Camby, Marquis Daniels, San Antonio Spurs

Memphis Grizzlies defense: Were they even trying to stop the Mavs last night? Dallas shot almost 54 percent from the field and nearly 42 percent from beyond the arc, and they outrebounded Memphis 47-33. In Memphis. Look, I know it's depressing to play for the Grizzlies, but come on now. You're all professionals. Well, sort of.

Darko Milicic: The Serbian Scarecrow submitted a signature performance against the Mavericks: 2 points (1-for-4), grabbed 5 rebounds, and committed 4 personal fouls in 23 minutes. This probably isn't the last time I'm going to have to say this, but take note anyway: When people expect a player to have a breakout year for six straight seasons, chances are that player will never, ever have a breakout year. Well, unless he's Hedo Turkoglu.

Mike Miller: I didn't forget about you, Mike. The 3-for-10 shooting could maybe be overlooked, but the +/- score of -26 -- which is a team-worst, by the way -- sticks out like a sprained left pinky finger.

DeSagana Diop: This guy has just about fallen out of Avery Johnson's rotation. He played only 7 minutes last night, second fewest on the team next to Maurice Ager (see below). Even Devean George got more minutes. That's something worth crying yourself to sleep over.

Maurice Ager: Cha-ching! That's a one trillion for Mr. Ager.

Denver Nuggets defense: Defense? What's that? Yup, it's just waiting to get back on offense. The Nuggmeisters did their best to impersonate the French in WWII by surrendering 117 points on 50 percent shooting with nary a sign of defiance. Or defense. One problem was that the New Orleans Hornets are actually pretty freaking good. Another is that...

Marcus Camby: A lot of people are campaigning for Camby -- the reigning Defensive Player of the Year -- to be named as a reserve on the Western Conference All-Star team. He had a chance to prove he was worthy of the honor last night, particularly since he was facing off against one his his primary competitors in Tyson Chandler. Well, Chandler used Camby like a jock strap on his way to 10 points (4-of-5) and 16 rebounds (8 of which were offensive). Not only did Chandler outrebound Camby 16-5, he matched the output of the entire Denver front line. Meanwhile, Camby struggled on defense (1 blocked shot, no steals) and forgot how to score on offense (3 points, 0-for-5).

Tim Ducan's handles: TD singlehandedly kept the Spurs in the game last night, but somebody must have replaced his talcum powder with Vaseline. Because 7 turnovers (to 2 assists) in one game? That's kind of a lot. And whatever butter-finger disease Duncan contracted must have been contagious, because the Spurs turned the ball over 20 times and only dished out 11 assists. That's not the 2-for-1 ration you want.

Tony Parker: Eva Longoria finally admitted to something that everyone who follows the NBA already knew. No, not that Tony Parker has a very small penis (although that's true too). The dude totally fakes fouls and injuries. Gee, I'm so very shocked. Remember in last year's playoffs when Parker obliterated Steve Nash's nose with his bulbous head? I mean, Nash's poor beak freaking exploded, yet he just stood there and took it like a man while Parker was writhing around on the court in totally bogus agony. Last night, TP played like the little girl he is, scoring only 5 points on 1-for-7 shooting and committing 4 turnovers.

Michael Finley: These days, when Finley walks by, you can actually smell the formaldehyde. And I've gotta tell you, the rigor mortis is affecting his shooting: 2-for-8 last night and 19-for-54 in his last seven games.

Jarron Collins: This guy is like the Western Conference version of Jason Collins. Which I guess makes sense, since they're related or something. The seven-footer spent almost 10 minutes on the floor last night, yet failed to score a single point (0-for-1) or snare a single rebound. He did commit 1 foul though. Strangely, he had a +/- score of +9, which is yet another example of why I don't trust that stat.

Los Angeles Clippers defense: The Charlotte Bobcats prowled their way into the Staples Center and shot almost 57 percent (and 44 from three-point range). Not the Suns, the Bobcats. Mind you, Charlotte was 3-13 on the road heading into this game. Now, granted, the Clippers were without hideous center Chris Kaman, the league's third leading rebounder and shot ejector, but that's no excuse. The Clippers were just flat out bad. Hey, when Billy Crystal leaves the game early, you know something is very wrong. It's not like he's out filming City Slickers III first thing in the morning.

Brevin Knight: Aren't the Clippers just thrilled they signed this guy over the summer? Talk about your season savers! Knight played 15 minutes, scoring zero points (0-for-1), snagged a rebound, tossed out a couple of assists, and threw the ball away twice. I take particular delight in pointing this out because some dork actually emailed me in the offseason and said, I quote, "The Phoenix Suns would be just as good with any competant point guard. They'd win 60 games with Brevin Knight starting at point guard." Whoever you were, if you're reading this, can you please tell me how those words tasted? Salty? Bitter?

Tim Thomas: How can I criticize the guy, you ask? He totally stepped up his game in Chris Kaman's absence, scoring a season-high 29 points (13-for-23), grabbing a season-high 13 rebounds, and handing out 5 assists. Hell, he even blocked a shot! But this bothers me because Thomas could do this all the time. Okay, okay, not all the time. But he could bring a lot more to the table on a nightly basis than he does. Which has always been the case for him. But he only wakes up once or twice a season to submit a fantastic "What If" performance. What a waste.

Don't forget! There's more Basketbawfully goodness at Deadspin. Key word: NBA Closer.

Labels: Darko, Denver Nuggets, DeSagana Diop, Los Angeles Clippers, Marcus Camby, Memphis Grizzlies, Mike Miller, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Worst of the Night