"Why is the insect talking to me?"
The Sacramento Kings: I love how the AP recap of this game is titled "Wallace, Bobcats beat short-handed Kings 104-88." Yes, the Kings were missing Kevin Martin (sick of how badly his team sucks) and Andres Nocioni (rabies), and then they lost Rashad McCants (who surprisingly scored 30 points) to an ankle injury late in the fourth quarter. But let's face it: This team was destined to lose no matter how many healthy bodies they had to throw at the Bobcats. When a team is stuck on 14 wins a few short days before the vernal equinox, it's long past the time for making excuses for their ongoing craptastrophe. Now, if you haven't read that Kings fan's open letter to Bill Simmons, you should. That's some serious fandom right there. I'm stunned, literally stunned, that someone could still feel that much well-reasoned passion for this pitiful squad.

Update! Ash Haque left the following comment: "So the Kings are now 0-28 games against Eastern conference teams, with games against New York and Philly left from that conference. If they go 0-30 they should get a season long Bawful award for getting shut out by an entire conference for a whole 82 game season." Done. There absolutely will be a special award given out should that happen.

Gerald Wallace: From dunkside: "In the Kings-Bobcats game, all 5 of the Kings blocks came against Gerald Wallace. And they came from 4 different Kings players. I wonder if it ever happened before that a team has at least 5 blocks by at least 3 different players and they are all against the same player. It's like a block gangbang or something. Don't get me wrong, I do like Gerald Wallace's game, but I found this funny (as in kinda weird), especially since he's pretty athletic so he should be harder to block than, say, Adam Morrison's shot." But there's a difference there. Opposing team's WANT Morrison to shoot, whereas they want to stop Wallace from doing it, so they're more likely to try and stuff Gerald than Adam.

DeSagana Diop: Dude has a serious, perhaps terminal case of Shaqnopsis. Diop airballed not one, but two straight free throws in a 4-minute span of the second quarter. He eventually did hit one (going 1-for-4 on the night), which elicited a frenzy of joy from the Charlotte crowd. He is now 5-for-24 at the line since becoming a Bobcat.

Heat-Celtics: No Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen or Dwyane Wade. I'm pretty sure that's not what ESPN envisioned when they scheduled this game for prime time. But hey, it went to overtime, so it was a good game. Right?

Bill Walker: Basketbawful reader Sturla is not a fan. "Meet Bill Walker, Suckmachine. He plays about 12 minutes against the Heat and his +/- is -24. Meanwhile Big Baby of all people is +27." Bill just needs more shots.

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers clinched their fourth consecutive losing season by getting crushed at home by the Trail Blazers. (And trust me, the game wasn't as close as the final score indicates.) Indy has now dropped four straight games, the last three of which they've lost by a combined 47 points. So much for those dreams of a postseason appearance. Said coach Jim O'Brien: "We're quickly playing ourselves out of a playoff race is what it's coming down to. I would say the last three games it did not seem like we played with an urgency that the situation calls for. We as a group have to figure out why."

By the way, the Associated Press gets a wag of the finger in this entry for stating that the Pacers had clinched a "non-winning" season. Non-winning? That's still called losing, right? Or aren't we allowed to say that anymore? Maybe I won't say teams like Sacramento suck anymore. I'll just state that they provide extreme and consistent inward force. How's that?

The New York Knicks: They scored only 89 points and lost by 26 at home to a bad team that was missing an All-Star. They missed 15 of their 17 three-point attempts. They allowed the Nets to shoot nearly 60 percent from the field. Basically, it was an all-around failfest for the Knickerbockers. Said coach Mike 'Antoni: "It's very hard to point out one thing. I thought we were horrible in every facet of the game. We just didn't play." Not-so-random note: Larry Hughes scored 10 points on 3-for-11 shooting (i.e., he is who we thought he was).

The Milwaukee Bucks: The Bucks got pounded 106-80 at home by the Magic last night, and, believe it or not, this is a team that's fighting tooth and nail to earn the East's final playoff spot. Or I thought they were anyway. Milwaukee is five games into their season-high six-game homestand...and they're 2-3 in that stretch. Coach Scott Skiles provided the following cryptic explanation for his team's latest stink bomb: "I think there's a lesson learned here for us. Most sporting events are over before they even start, based on the mind-set of the teams that are playing and the players that are playing in it." Translation: My players didn't try. And people wonder why Scott's teams turn on him. (I'm not saying he's wrong, either. Just that pro ballers don't like their deficiencies pointed out in honest ways.)

Update! Ramon Sessions or the refs (depending on your point of view): From Junior: "No comments about the play #7? For me it was goaltending, but since it wasn't called it, the play becames a ego-ectomy that Sessions will never forget and will think twice before trying a jumper in front of D12." That was a close one, so I can see why the refs blew it. (Unless, of course, it was a belated makeup call for that three-seconds violation from the Magic-Crabs game.) But, since the goaltending was allowed, then yeah, I'll go with the ego-ectomy.


The Memphis Grizzlies...or the refs? Rubes commented: "So I know it is easy to pick on the Griz. I fully expect them to be on the site each and every day. However they do not belong on your WotN list for blowing a 10-point lead at home to Denver. They played great and deserved the win, but the 4th quarter was decided by the refs. The best example is at the 2:06 mark when Balkman bear hugs Gasol. Foul? Haha of course not, it's a jump ball. Hopefully you can get video evidence." I could't. Anybody got our back on this one?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: Regarding how his team managed to pull out a comeback victory over a 17-win squad: "Defense, like it always is. Just defense. Just grinding. Buckling down. Having pride." Note that the Griz scored 109 points by shooting close to 50 percent from the field and almost 60 percent from downtown. But I guess the Nuggets approach defense the way Shaq deals with foul shooting: They play it when it counts.

The New Orleans Hornets: A win's a win, I guess. But a 1-point home victory over the Minnesota Timberpups isn't exactly a confidence-builder. And mind you, the Hornets nearly lost this game. They were down a point until David West dunked one home with 12.6 seconds left. (Randy Foye missed a 17-footer at the buzzer.) Remember, this is a team with, essentially, a one-man bench (maybe a two-man bench)...and Peja Stojakovic has been out eight games with a sore back.

Timeout entertainment gone wrong: From the AP game notes: "A Hornets employee appeared to dislocate his ankle after using a trampoline to dunk a ball during a timeout in the third quarter. His left leg was folded under him as he landed awkwardly on padding below the hoop. His foot was turned sideways as he dangled his leg and he had to be helped off the court. Team officials said they could not discuss the injury because of privacy concerns." Update! There are some gruesome pictures available for you "Faces Of Death" types.

The Houston Rockets: The Pistons were missing Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace and Allen Iverson -- although A.I. being out might have actually helped Detroit -- and it still took the Rockets two overtimes to get the win, despite a mega-game from Yao (31 points, 15 rebounds and 4 blocked shots). Speaking of which, didn't Yao just miss a game with flu-like symptoms? Nice recovery...

Box score lulz: I couldn't help but notice that, in the Pistons-Rockets box score, Knee-Mac is listed as DNP-CD. That made me laugh for some reason.

Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Drake: "Hubie Brown can't seem to stay away from unintentionally dirty quotes. From last night's Rockets-Pistons game: '...he SPLITS it, and shoots it right in Scola's face' -- talking about a replay of Rodney Stuckey's drive to the hoop during overtime, but may very well be talking about a climatic scene in some gay porno. Hubie also had another gem in double overtime which I can't remember that well. It went something like 'he scored in his defender's face.'" Man, Hubie's hits just keep on coming. (Get it?) But you can't blame the guy. Remember, he was one of the first creatures to crawl out of the sea five billion years ago or whatever. I don't think God had invented homosexuality yet, so Hubie doesn't really know what he's saying.

The Philly defense: Clifton wrote in to say: "This shot from the Suns-Sixers game looks like pickup basketball defense at its finest to me. 'I thought he was your man!' 'Naw, man. I switched off of him when Backwards Hat Guy came in.'" He's not wrong. Check this out:


Actually, there wasn't much defense played at all in the Sixers-Suns game: Philly shot 55 percent and Phoenix shot close to 58 percent. But you've gotta love these quotes from the Sixers. Philly coach Tony DiLeo said: "We tried different defenses, zones, pick and roll defenses, and it just seemed like they were scoring every time. We just couldn't stop them." (Hey, Tony, which of those defenses were you guys playing in the picture Clifton sent in?) Added Andre Iguodala: "We just never got them out of rhythm. They just kept scoring and all their guys had it going, it seemed." Yes, it sure seemed alright.

Oh, and check out this tidbit from the AP game notes: "The Suns’ average of nearly 120 points per game since the All-Star break is the best in the NBA, nearly seven points better than any other team." You just know the author wanted to write "since Terry Porter got canned" instead of "since the All-Star break." Or maybe that's just me. Note also that the writer didn't mention how many points the Suns have been giving up in that stretch...

The Washington Wizards Generals: Beaten. Again. This time by the Clippers, who still are who we thought they were but, in this case, were lucky enough to play a home game against the Wicked Worst of the East. The Other L.A. Team shot nearly 60 percent from the field. I guess you can't really expect a bunch of millionaires on a 16-win team to "play defense" or "try to win winnable games" or anything like that. I mean, next thing you'll be asking for is the moon on a stick or mega-corporations that aren't run by hordes of rich and unscrupulous douchebags. In other words, the impossible. Random quote from a reader: Sturla emailed in to say: "Who gets blown out by the Clippers in the fourth quarter by 15 points?"

Oh and hey, Basketbawful reader Andy had this to say: "Thought I'd highlight this bit from the Wizards-Clippers sucktacular (which I'm privileged enough to get on CSN): 3rd quarter, Andray Blatche is dribbling right side just past the half court line and goes behind his back, faking his defender big time. However, he proceeds to bumble his dribble around for a few seconds before throwing a lazy, crosscourt, underhand pass which is easily intercepted. Clippers going the other way throw an alley-oop to Eric Gordon, who lets it slip harmlessly between his fingers for another turnover. The Clippers also get an extra dose of suck for letting Antawn Jamison look like Magic Johnson out there in the first quarter, throwing a no-look pass and getting 4 assists (he averages 1.9 on the year). The Wizards also look like they're afraid getting anywhere near Steve Novak, who has at least 6 threes so far, only one of which I've seen contested in any way." NBA action. It's FAN-tastic.

Al Thornton, quote machine: Regarding teammate Steve Novak, who nailed six triples against the Wizards Generals: "Novak is like a video game. His shot is a beautiful thing to watch, and I am definitely surprised he is left open and unguarded so much." Al was later rumored to have made sweet, sweet love to Novak's shooting hand.

Lacktion report: Chris provided the following spoonful of lacktion to help the bawful medicine go down.

Heat-Celtics: Yakhouba Diawara took home a 3.4 trillion prize from tonight's loss at the TDBanknorth Garden -- another case of an All-Lacktion selection living up to all the expectations!

Kings-Bobcats: Spencer Hawes' three bricks and lack of rebounds in a starting stint lasting over half the duration of the game (25:18!) led to one of the more staggering Voskuhls in recent memory, a 7:2 (fouling out with a turnover against two made free throws) despite a few positive stats.

Blazers-Pacers: Travis Diener missed once from downtown for a suck differential of +1 in 9:54.

Nets-Knicks: With the Nets devastating the Knickerbockers at their home court, Chris Douglas-Roberts had a 14-point slump participating in garbage time. So Maurice Ager served as a replacement human victory cigar for the night, taking a foul and a brick for +2 in 1:42.

The real story though was Cheikh Samb's reappearance in uniform after many weeks of uncertainty following the Clippers' dismissal of the All-Lacktion choice. In a brilliant return to unproductivity, he went all out for masonry in 3:34, bricking once on the shot clock and twice at the charity stripe for a well-earned +3. Welcome back to the Association, Mr. Samb!

Magic-Bucks: Francisco Elson eked out a Voskuhl for the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit in an 11:34 appearance as starting big man, going 6:4 (five fouls and one giveaway against one made field goal and two boards).

Pistons-Rockets: Amir Johnson is starting to emerge as Detroit's favorite lacktator, tonight earning a 1.4 trillion .

Wizards-Clippers: Oleksiy Pecherov did get a rebound tonight, but that's not particularly relevant when he was busy wearing out his gamepad trying to knock out Glass Joe in Punch-Out after a 42-second Mario!

NBA.com standings fail: Rainier wrote in to say: "I didn't know the Wolves were second in the West...." Me neither. But NBA.com thinks so. I guess that's their reward for handing over Kevin Garnett to the Celtics last season.

ESPN.com front page fail: From Rob: "I just went to the ESPN NBA front page a couple minutes ago and I got kind of confused; the screen capture is attached. They corrected the error soon after, so I'm glad I got there in the nick of time." Take a look. It's funny. (Basketbawful reader -sEan also noticed this and emailed in to say: "Better signing for the Celtics: Stephon Marbury or Roger Federer? I'd say its a toss up.")

Kobe Bryant: Mamba stuffed Nermal into a box and tried to send her to Abu Dhabi.

Labels: DeSagana Diop, fan submissions, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, New Orleans Hornets, Sacramento Kings, utter defenselessness, Washington Wizards

Voskuhl (voss-cull) noun. When a big man's combined fouls and turnovers exceed his combined points and rebounds over the course of a game.

Usage example: With Michael Redd out for the season, the Bucks need Dan Gadzuric to contribute more than his usual Voskuhl.

Word history: The term was coined in a dormitory television lounge at Dartmouth College in March of 1999, when several friends were rooting for UConn to defeat Duke for the NCAA men's basketball championship and bemoaning the limited contributions of UConn starting center Jake Voskuhl. In three of UConn's six tournament games, Voskuhl came very close to achieving a Voskuhl -- including a 2-point, 2-rebound, 3-foul effort in UConn's narrow title game win over Duke. The blog Be the Three (written by one of the men present in the dorm room in 1999) mentioned the term in a post earlier this month in a post titled Field Trip! Suns at Raptors, Nash's Game and What's a 'Voskuhl'?

Voskuhl, selected by the Bulls in the second-round of the 2000 draft, has continued to pile up Voskuhls during his NBA career. Voskuhl has appeared in 427 games and recorded a Voskuhl in 54 of them -- a Voskuhl rate of about 12.6 percent. Seven of those Voskuhls have happened this season.

But a look through Voskuhl's Voskuhls shows that there actually are two different kinds of Voskuhls: One in which the big man plays just a minute or two and has little time to accumulate any stats (this may be more accurately termed a "Madsen"), and another in which the big man records a Voskuhl despite playing enough minutes to at least pull down some boards.

Two of big Jake's six Voskuhls from the 2002-03 season serve as good examples of the two archetypes. On April 6, 2003, against the Lakers, Voskuhl played three minutes and recorded 2 fouls, zero points and zero rebounds. A couple of weeks earlier, in a loss to Dallas, Voskuhl played nearly half the game (21 minutes) but scored just 1 point and recorded a paltry 3 rebounds. He committed 5 fouls and 3 turnovers. This may be termed a "True Voskhul."

(One note in that box score: Suns reserve guard Casey Jacobsen nearly recorded a Voskuhl, with 2 points, 1 foul and 1 turnover. The stat is meant for big men, though).

On Dec. 18, 2003, Voskuhl set a personal high for minutes played in a Voskuhl. He started for Phoenix against Portland and played 34 minutes, but recorded zero points and 5 rebounds before racking up the maximum 6 fouls. He also committed a turnover.

Voskuhl, however, is not at the top of list of Voskhuls among current players. At least one fellow back-up big, Mark Madsen, has recorded them at a higher rate: 84 in 443 games played, for a Voskuhl rate of about 19 percent. Madsen only played a minute or two in many of those games, meaning they do not rise to the level of the True Voskuhl.

Quality big men are not immune to the Voskuhl. Suns star Amare Stoudemire suffered a Voskuhl against Boston earlier this month when the Celtics held him to 3 points and 1 rebound while he committed 4 turnovers and 4 fouls. This was the day after Amare declared that he was about to "get my gorilla game on." Greg Oden recorded two Voskuhls in December.

Other frequent Voskuhl-ers include Gadzuric (10 already this season), the Spurs' Fabricio Oberto (four this season) and new Bobcats center DeSagana Diop (five last season, four this year).

About the author: Zach Lowe covers law and business for a magazine in New York and recently started the NBA and Celtics-themed blog Be The Three. He grew up in Connecticut but inexplicably became Georgetown fan and rooted against UConn. But he cheered for them anyway when they faced Duke for the national title

Labels: Dan Gadzuric, DeSagana Diop, Jake Voskuhl, Mark Madsen, The Fabulous Oberto, Word of the Day

Thanks to Sturla for providing today's top picture.

Elton Brand: His addition to the Philadelphia 76ers was supposed to transform them from plucky overachievers/up-and-comers to Eastern Powerhouse and potentially The Team to challenge Boston for conference supremacy. Yeah. That didn't work out so well. And the day after his injury, this is what I had to say: "Now, here's a little theory I have. Let's assume Brand misses, say, a month. You just watch. Philly will start fast breaking again -- which was their bread and butter last season -- and go on a little mini-streak in Brand's absence. Seriously."

Then they struggled through that 1-5 road trip and I felt like an idiot. Well, turns out it just took the team some time to adjust. But now they're running again and knocking down their threes -- including a season-high 11 of them against the Blazers -- and, wouldn't you know, they're on a season-best five-game non-losing streak. And the streak has included three victories against winning teams (Houston, Atlanta and Portland). So the evidence is right there in front of us: The Sixers play better and with more confidence minus Brand. Seriously, there were some grumpy mugs on that team up until they sped things up and Brand's shots got redistributed. Now, everybody's so darn happy again. Just ask Andre Iguodala: "Guys are just playing with a lot of confidence right now. We feel like we can make any shot. We're shooting with a rhythm, we're shooting with confidence, and more than likely, it's going to go in." Translation: "We don't have to walk it up the court and force-feed Brand anymore...and he's not really a 20-10 guy anymore anyway. Running and shooting is brought us success last year. Not a clunky halfcourt game." It'll be interesting to see how they'll work Elton back into the mix, and whether he'll be able to accept a lesser role in an offense that's running more and operating in the half court less.

The Portland Trail Blazers: They were down 16 after one quarter, 22 at halftime, and despite a 10-0 third-quarter run, they ended up losing by 21. That cost them the chance to move 10 games above .500 for the first time since 2002-03. Hopefully Darius Miles will play his 10th game soon so they can put that distraction behind them. [drips sarcasm]

The Detroit Pistons: One night after failing to close out a game against the Bobcats (15-24), th Pistons failed to close out a game against the Pacers (14-25). Okay, hold on. I have to throw up in my mouth a little because Charlotte has a better record than Indy. BLOARGH! Okay. I'm done. Anyway, just add "back-to-back losses to teams that are hovering around 10 games below .500" to the list of Reasons Why The Allen Iverson Trade Destroyed The Pistons. (And I only mean that the trade killed their chances to contend for the Eastern Conference crown. They're still 22-15. Just not a scary 22-15.) Rodney Stuckey, who had a game-high 30 points on 12-for-20 shooting, said: "We've got to finish game. That's pretty much it. We're kicking ourselves in the butt. We keep losing games like this, it's going to hurt us at the end of the season. Hopefully, we can figure it out and get it turned around."

Danny Granger: The Pacers might have put the Pistons away a little earlier had it not been for Danny's 6-for-20 shooting. In fact, I was positively cringing Granger was setting up the shot that sent the game to overtime. It was definitely one of those "NO, NO, NO...YES!" shots for me. Which was a good feeling, since the Pacers have typically had "NO, NO, NO...NO!" fourth quarters this season.

The Toronto Raptors: In the titanic showdown slapfest between two 16-teams, only one squad can reach win number 17. And normally, I'd pick the home team, particularly since the away team only had four road wins on the season. But, once again, the Craptors proved me way wrongo. Toronto fell victim to a 17-point fourt-quarter supernova from Derrick Rose. The Great Poohdini finished with 25 points (12-for-20) and 10 assists. But then, he HAD to step up his game in the absence of...

Big Shot Larry: Look who earned himself a DNP-CD last night. So, in the wake of his complaints about PT, Hughes has played seven minutes and zero minutes in back-to-back games. And here's what Bulls coach Vinny D had to say when asked about the situation after the game: "We'll figure it out as we go. Kirk will be out there. He takes pressure off Derrick [Rose] and puts defensive pressure on the ball. And we always get leadership." Notice the conspicuous lack of the words "Larry" and "Hughes" in Vinny's response? Yeah, me too.

Chris Bosh: He had a chance to tie the game with under 10 seconds left but, instead, all he got was an outpatient ego-ectomy from Dr. Joakim Noah. Yeah. Start watching at the 1:50 mark.


The Washington Wizards Generals: The Generals' freefall to nowhere continued last night as they shot nearly 60 percent from the field and scored 122 points. And lost. Mike James said: "It was almost like pickup basketball. We were talking at halftime. Some people said they've seen more defense on video games. You joke about that, but it's not a laughing matter." Unless you read Basketbawful, in which case it is very much a laughing matter. But I find that comment pretty interesting, coming, as it did, from a man known as "The Amityville Scorer." James, in case you're interested, has a career defensive rating of 109. That's points allowed per 100 possessions. This season, his defensive rating is 114.1 For some perspective, the worst defensive rating in the league (123.2) belongs to Golden State's Jermareo Davidson. And James is six spots ahead (which means behind) defensive stalwart Ricky Davis (113.1). I'm just sayin'.

In other news, Nick Young scored 33 points for Washington, setting a new career high for the third time in four games. Why, exactly, aren't they starting this guy? Do they just enjoy losing that much? And one last epithet: The Wizzers are now tied with the Thunder in wins with 7. But more on that below...

The New Jersey Nets: They shot 38 percent, committed 19 turnovers and got blown out in Boston by 32 points. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "They kicked us real good." That's not strong enough an analogy. Better to say, I think, that: "They kidnapped us, tortured us, and kept us locked up in a hole like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction." Okay. Fixed.

Paul Pierce, justification machine: Regarding Boston's "resurgence" against the Raptors and Nets after their 2-7 slump: "I thought we had a really big bump in the road these last couple of weeks with consistency, something we didn't have a year ago. Maybe it's something we needed to give us a gut check. When you go through something like that, you really find out what kind of team you are." You mean, like, not as talented or as deep as last season and suddenly a few steps behind the Cavaliers, Lakers and Magic in the race for this year's league title? That kind of team?

The Utah Jazz: This is the kind of travesty that the phrase "I'll be cow-kicked and hornswoggled" was invented for. As well as several other foul four-letter words I won't type out right now. A 21-point loss to the Klahma City Thunder?! I wouldn't be surprised to hear John Stockton dropped dead after he heard about his most shameful of losses. Heck, even Felton Spencer was probably embarrassed. And so was Deron Williams: "They outhustled us, they outrebounded us. We just didn't play tough at all." Think the Jazz missed Paul Milsap, who was out (again) with a bruised right knee? Put it this way: Nenad Krstic had 14 points and 11 boards. I guess Mehmet Okur isn't much of a frontcourt stopper. Speaking of which...

Mehmet Okur: After he scored his career-high 43 points against the defenseless Pacers, BadDave emailed me to say: "Okur blew his wad...for his career." His words seem pretty prophetic after Mehmet's follow-up against the Thunder: 9 points on 3-for-12 shooting.

The Klahma City Thunder: How can I tag them with WotN honors after they clobbered the Jazz? Because of something Dan L. wrote in to say: "The team that used to be the Sonics actually beat the Jazz last night, but the ESPN headline about that game read: 'Three reach 20's as lousy Thunder thump Jazz.' They are so bad that even when they win by 21 they're still called lousy." Yup. Ouch.

Dwyane Wade: The Heat won, yes, but I could hardly overlook his 17 points on 5-for-20 shooting, could I? But there's a reason! Just ask Pookie. He'll tell you. "Every shot I shot they hit me on my arm. That's why my shots were short." Awh. That gives me sad face, Dwyane. On the bright side, Wade had only 4 turnovers, so that's something. He continues to lead the league in that category, by the way.

Mario Chalmers: Did he accidentally drop his game in the toilet or something? The kid is falling off the map and out of Erik Spoelstra's rotation. He's 1-for-13 in his last three games and has scored zero, 4 and zero points. And he played less than 10 minutes in the two zero-point outings.

The Dallas Mavericks: Oh, hey, look. They lost at home to a better team. That's a surprise. And Jason Kidd's 7/7/7 line looked pretty feeble next to Chris Paul's triple-double (33 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists...plus 7 steals!!). According to Mavs coach Rick Carlisle: "We just didn't play as good as a game that we needed to play." That's some pretty succinct insight, coach. Thanks.

DeSagana Diop: I haven't beaten this dead horse in a while, but some days you wake up cranky and just want to beat a dead horse. So here goes. I noticed that Diop earned himself a DNP-CD last night. It was his third in the last five games. On the season, Diop has scored 56 points and committed 55 personal fouls. He's averaging 3.5 rebounds and has accumulated only 25 blocks. Think Mark Cuban regrets signing DeSagana to that five-year, $32 million contract over the summer? Don't worry. It's just one of the many regrets he should have regarding his mismanagement of the Mavs over the last several years.

David Guthrie, Michael Smith, Sean Corbin: Much as it pains me to defend the Lakers, they got hosed by the officials twice in the final 12 seconds of the fourth quarter last night...which kind of sucks because it really detracted from a very exciting and well-played game. First, Roger Mason drew foul on Derek Fisher on what I like to call the Jump Flop, that move (invented by World B. Free and perfected by Reggie Miller) where a jump shooter kicks out his legs and flails during the shot. Fisher clearly tried to evade contact but got tagged with the foul anyway. Mason dropped the free throw to give the Spurs a one-point lead. Then, on the Lakers' final possession, Trevor Ariza got called for a travel after taking only two steps. Plus, it sure looked like he got tripped up a little. Go ahead and take a gander at both plays.


Now, the Ariza play might not have mattered all that much since he missed the shot and the clock would have expired during the ensuing battle for the rebound. But Mason's three-point play turned out to be the game-winner. If the ref hadn't fallen for his Jump Flop, then AT WORST (for the Lakers)the game goes to overtime. Big win for the Spurs, but it doesn't exactly convince me that I'm wrong to say they aren't a true contender anymore. I mean, L.A. was playing the second of back-to-back games with a bench shortened by injuries. I'm just sayin'.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Hey, look, the Clippers lost by 17 at home. We all know who they are.

The Golden State Warriors: They dropped a triple-overtime decision to a Kings team that, coming into the game, was stuck on nine wins. Home court fail.

Yahoo! box scores: According to the box score from the Kings-Warriors game, Jamal Crawford had a Super Mario. All I can say is: Wow...35 points in six seconds? Without doing any research whatsoever, I have to say that's the most efficient performance in NBA history. Thanks to Panki for sending in this graphic:


Lacktion report: Via Chris, who I think has become the official Basketbawful intern:

Blazers-Sixers: Ike Diogu earned a solid two trillion jackpot for Portland, while Philadelphia's Kareem Rush was a +1 (brick) in 2:38.

Bulls-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl is once again the Craptors' repeat offender for the lacktion report, turning the ball over once and taking a foul for +2 in a 2:42 nonperformance.

Wizards-Knicks: One foul and a missed three turned a potential Mario for Washington's Oleksiy Petrov into a 38 second session of suck at +2.

Heat-Bucks: Yakhouba Diawara continues to log lacktion for the Heat, taking a foul and throwing three bricks from downtown for +4 in 7:21. With 30 seconds to go in the game - in a game Miami was only leading by TWO POINTS, mind you - he entered the game again to relieve Chris Quinn, presumably to increase his total duration of on-court catatonia. And in a bizarre exchange of bench jockeys, Diawara went back to the pine with 16.4 remaining for Quinn to return, only for the two to switch off again with 14.7 ticks on the clock left (in the middle of two D-Wade free throws). That wasn't the end of it though, as Diawara went back to the bench with 9.8 seconds remaining, after a timeout. Oh, and Yakhouba's teammate Mario Chalmers put in a surprisingly unimpressive near-lacktion sequence as a starting guard: one rebound barely provided a positive effect on the scoreboard, with a brick, foul, and three giveaways littering a nine and a half minute run of fail.

Jazz-Thunder: In a shocker, the Klahoma (one O!) City Thunder thwacked the Jazz around, 114-93. Morris Almond and Jarron Collins played the role of sucky siblings for the night, each giving Utah a +1 in 2:07 of concurrent pointlessness (Almond via a missed shot, and Collins via turnover).

Hornets-Mavs: Hilton Armstrong turned the ball over once and fouled twice for New Orleans, a +3 SD in 4:16.

Lakers-Spurs: The world of lacktion does not revolve around Sun Yue, and in 1:21 of floor time, he showed why by breaking up a potential trillion with one annoyingly positive contribution (a steal). However, in one of the bigger names to show up in the lacktion report so far, Bruce Bowen missed from downtown and fouled twice for +3 in 6:04!

Kobe Bryant: After the game, Kobe turned to Luke Walton and said, "Hey kid, sorry I've been so hard on you lately. Wanna go out, maybe get a beer, just kinda get to know each other better?" Luke, taken aback, said: "Really?" To which Mamba replied with a sneer, "Hell no, not really. How could you have possibly thought I was being serious? Jesus." Then Kobe walked away shaking his head. The he came back a few minutes later, looked Luke right in the eyes and said, "You really thought I was serious?" Then he walked away again, looking even more disgusted.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, DeSagana Diop, Elton Brand, Los Angeles Clippers, Mario Chalmers, New Jersey Nets, officiating, Paul Pierce, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Seriously, doesn't it look like Doug Collins ispimping Ronnie Price out to some dirty old man?
The Washington Wizards: Sure, it would be easy to give the Wizards a mulligan on this one. I mean, the defending champs are on a hot streak -- 13 in a row and counting -- so losing to them was sort of expected. That said...the Wiz lost by 34. At home. They shot 43 percent and had more turnovers (22) than assists (16). Meanwhile, Boston singed their forearm hair off with 56 percent shooting (and 53 percent from distance) and beat them bloody on the boards (41-26). The Celtics also had seven players in double figures, and Big Baby almost had a double-double (9 points, 7 rebounds). Brian Scalabrine played most of the fourth quarter.

Remember: This is, essentially, the same Washington team that showed so much spunk last year. They were, in fact, the only team in the league to beat the Celtics three times during the regular season. And now? The Wiz are 4-16, which matches the 1966-67 Baltimore Bullets for the worst start in franchise history. That's some historic fail right there.


Mind you, I almost mentioned the Wizards in yesterday's Worst of the Night because they traded FOR Mike James, the shoot-first point guard whom Byron Scott didn't trust to play the three or four minutes a game that Chris Paul sits out. The so-called Amityville Scorer, who's something of a homeless man's Gilbert Arenas, played 10 minutes, shot 0-for-6, and finished with a point, an assist, a steal and a foul. But I'm sure he just needs time to adjust to Ed Tapscott's system. That and some kind of magic potion that can transform him into a real NBA player. Oh, and here's a bonus picture of James getting the ball knocked away by Big Baby. That's right: James has regressed to the point where he isn't faster and more mobile than Glen Davis.

I know there's a lot of Big Baby to get around,Mike, but you should still be able to do it.
Speaking of that trade, TehJay pointed out that Javaris Crittenton played 6 minutes last night, contributing 4 turnovers and nothing else. Added TehJay: "Washington got a steal with this trade!"

Also, here's a question for the Basketbawful faithful: Are the Cavs, Celtics and Lakers just incredibly awesome or does the rest of the league just kinda suck this season? I'm leaning toward the latter. Discuss.

Brian Scalabrine: Here's a gold nugget from the AP game notes: "Rivers put in the players at the end of his bench for most of the fourth quarter, and what was left of the sellout crowd of 20,173 kept chanting reserve forward Brian Scalabrine's last name, apparently hoping to see him score, or at least shoot. He put up his one and only attempt with 3 seconds left -- and it was blocked." I promise you I'm not ghost writing for the AP under the pseudonym "Howard Fendrich." As far as you know. For the record, it was JaVale McGee who decided to ego-ectomize Scal on that final play. It's just like John Kreese said: We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

Here's another bonus pic. The caption: "Brian Scalabrine of the Boston Celtics plays a game with a child from Boston Medical Center during a Boston Celtics Holiday Party on December 9, 2008 at the Dick's Last Resort in Boston, Massachusetts." Have you ever seen someone look so bewildered during a game of Jenga?

Jeez, Brian. It's Jenga, not rocket science.
The Dallas Mavericks: They barely held off the Bobcats in Dallas. Woo hoo! Yes, that's sarcasm. Worse is that Charlotte was missing Gerald Wallace (who has not returned to the team following the death of his grandmother) and just traded away their leading scorer, therefore they were playing with a bench so short that Adam Morrison logged 20 minutes...and scored 9 points on 4-for-6 shooting. I'm not going to bother to check, but I'm guessing that's a season-high for the 'Stache. Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "We played a lot of guys who've never really played before." Which, of course, is Larry's passive-aggressive way of mocking the Mavs while making excuses for his team. That's what coaching experience is all about, baby.

Countered Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle: "It was about defense tonight. They're a difficult team because they're very persistent." Really, Rick? Really? So persistent they rank dead last in PPG (89.8) and darn close in field goal percentage (43.7). Although I suppose I should credit Dallas for holding them to only 0.2 points above their scoring average. That's something.

DeSagana Diop: The Mavs sure are lucky they managed to resign Diop last summer! I got into some pretty heated arguments with some commenters last year when Diop was included as an add-on in the Jason Kidd trade. My stance: He's a nearly useless, seven-foot stiff. My opponents' stance: He's an invaluable rebounding and defensive presence. Well, his performance this season has been a little thing I like to call "checkmate." Last night's line: 3 minutes, 2 fouls, and a suck differential of +2. By the way, that contract he signed? It's worth more than $32 million over five years. So, in considering Diop's free agent deal, the Harris-for-Kidd trade and the fact that the Mavs chose to give Erick Dampier a seven-year, $72 million contract instead of re-signing Steve Nash...can we all just agree once and for all that Mark Cuban isn't quite the genius he thinks he is and leave it at that?

Emeka Okafor: The Okafor watch continues! Oaky had a season-high 27 points and 17 rebounds. And zero assists. Again. That's another 41 minutes without a dime. The current season numbers stand at: 781 minutes, 195 field goal attempts, 98 free throw attempts, 48 turnovers and 7 assists in 23 games. And since his season-high is 1 assist, that means he's played 16 games without one. To which I say: Damn, dawg. You're not even letting the GROUND touch the ball. [Opens Okafor's closet and watches in stunned silence as thousands of balls spill out.]

Matt Harpring's defense: C'mon, Matt. I'm pretty sure that's against some sort of rule...

Memo to Matt: It's "hand in the face," not "fistful of jersey."
Deron Williams' shooting: "Dear, Deron. Including last night's 5-for-16 shooting performance, you're now hitting 37 percent of your field goals on the season. This is killing my fantasy team. Please put in some extra practice or take better shots. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Basketbawful."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Hm. They've quietly lost three of four, and it would be four in a row if not for Steve Blake's three with 8 seconds left against the Raptors. I'm just sayin'. Meanwhile, what's up with this quote from Brandon Roy? "They did a great job and we've got to give them all the credit, but now it's our turn when we face them again to protect our home court." When I read that, I figured maybe they had a home-and-home with the Jazz. Nope. They don't face the Jazz in Portland until January 31st. I wonder if there was some trash talk going on during the game. But be careful what you wish for, Brandon. Utah should have Carlos Boozer back by then, so I'm guessing they'll be a little tougher.

Update! Brandon Roy: Not sure how I missed this, but Ben did not: "Shouldn't Brandon Roy earn some malaprops for his Okafor last night? Sure he had 33 points on 12-22 shooting, but when your starting PG gets no dimes in nearly 43 minutes, your team's chances of winning are going to be just south of diddley-squat." Good point. Although, technically speaking, Steve Blake is the startin PG while Roy starts at the two-spot. But still, Roy averages 5 APG and a lot of the Blazers' offense goes through him...so, yeah, he gets a mention. But honestly, Ben, you had me at "malaprops."

Update! Kobe Bryant: He called Mo's Bar and said: "Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie."

Death: Bettie Page passed away last night. She was 85. She was an amazing woman who lived an amazing life. She really changed the world. I'm bummed.

Thanks for the memories, Bettie.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Brian Scalabrine, Charlotte Bobcats, Dallas Mavericks, DeSagana Diop, Emeka Okafor, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

"Forever's gonna start tonight, baby."
Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Emeka Okafor: See above. Get a room, ladies.

The Associated Press: From last night's game recap: "Branded a one-man team in the past, the Cavaliers showed they can survive without their superstar." Uhm, yeah...against the Bobcats. The Charlotte Bobcats.

In all fairness, it wasn't just the AP. Zydrunas Ilgauskas was also really excited the Cavs could handle the Bobcats while LeBron was getting a long breather in the fourth quarter. "It was kind of weird seeing LeBron on the bench. We got away with it, and if we can do that it will only help us and help his career." Wait. Did I fall into a coma and wake up at a time when the Bobcats are actually good? That didn't happen, did it?

More from LeBron. "We had a lot of guys contribute and I got a lot of rest. Coach believes in our roster and I believe in our roster. I don’t have to average 42 minutes like I have in the past because of our depth." IT WAS THE BOBCATS, PEOPLE! They didn't even win a game during the exhibition season. Calm down. Seriously.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Ugh. Just...ugh.

Raymond Felton: Going 1-for-10 will always earn you a place in WotN. Congratulations!

Sean May: His long awaited return was...kinda sad, actually: 2 points on 0-for-6 shooting in 15 minutes. Three of his shots were blocked. Speaking of which...


Thanks to Basketbawful reader Garron for the video.

Linton Johnson: Brett from Queen City Hoops brought Johnson's line to my attention: 10 minutes, 1 foul, and zero-for-everything-else. Regarding this, Brett said: " I know he is not supposed to be scoring much, he was signed to bring some defensive intensity to a Bobcats squad lacking in it. Yeah, when he was on the court the Cavs scored 166.7 points per 100 possessions, as compared to 110.3 overall. Tough defense. I love supporting the Bobcats." If this keeps up, Basketbawful might have a new mascot.


Mike Fratello: Near the beginning of last night's Rockets-Mavericks game, the Czar of the Telestrator chuckled smugly and assured us that Josh Howard was probably in for a rough night, what with Ron Artest guarding him and all. Well, Josh struggled so badly that he scored 28 points (on 11-for-19 shooting), grabbed 11 rebounds and dished out 4 assists without committing a single turnover. So, you know, good call, Mike.

(By the way, I remember thinking last season: "When was the last time Ron Artest really shut out an uber-talented offensive player?" I mean, he still plays aggressive defense, but is he still a lock-down defender? I'd have to go back and check the box scores, but it always seemed like the scorers usually got their numbers against him, and Kobe flat-out lit him up a couple times. I'm going to keep my eye on this as the season goes on...)

Yao Ming: He was great last night -- 30 points (11-for-15), 13 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocked shots -- but two things bothered me. First, he didn't win the opening tip. I was like, "Whaaaaa...?!" How in the name of Lincoln's wart does a nine-foot man lose the tip to Erick Dampier? I mean, Damp was never one of the great leapers, and I'm not sure I've seen him actually leave the ground since '06. Shouldn't Yao be able to just stand there with his arms raised and win the tip against pretty much anybody? Then...there was this...


Stuffed by the rim, Yao? Really?! That would be like me getting my shot sent back by the Jordan Jammer. Again, a man who is nine feet tall should not have these problems. It makes no sense.

DeSagana Diop: I openly scoffed at all the people who said that Dallas had made a critical error by including Diop in the Jason Kidd trade. He was too valuable, they said, for defense and rebounding. Some even said he was the Mavs' Center of the Futures (TM). Am I the only person who sees Diop for the awkward stiff he is? Well, me and the Nets, because they sure didn't want anything to do with him when his contract expired over the summer. But the Mavericks tried to redress their "mistake" by re-signing Diop in the offseason. There reward for such amazing forward thinking will be many nights like last night, when he contributed zero points and one foul committed for each rebound grabbed (3 of each) in 11 lackluster minutes. Oh, and his defense was so great that Yao was shooting over him like he wasn't even there. And, really, he might as well not have been.

Jerry Stackhouse: Stack (2 points, 1-for-6, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 turnover, 1 foul in almost 18 minutes) is D-U-N.

Reputation calls: In the fourth quarter, Josh Howard elbowed Yao Ming. Naturally, they got in each others' faces and Ron Artest rushed in to play peacemaker. Of couse, Ron-Ron got T'd up. Not cool. But on the upside, that proved to be a relationship building moment for Yao and Artest. The big guy defended Artest to the officials, and after the game he said: "Ron's a very good teammate. That happened once in the preseason and he did the same thing. He's trying to help a teammate, sacrificing himself." Has Artest finally grown up? I'll be keeping my eye on that this season as well...


The Phoenix Suns' handles: I once participated in a basketball drill where we had to work on ball handling and precision passing while wearing big, thick mittens. As you can probably guess, it's nearly impossible. Anyway, I'd like to pretend that's what the Suns were doing last night. They committed 24 turnovers that were converted into 21 points for the Hornets. Steve Nash was the primary culprit with 7 turnovers.

The Suns in the first seven minutes of the second quarter: Let's see...1-of-7 shooting and seven turnovers. No wonder they fell so far behind. Did somebody spike their Gatorade during the first quarter break or something?

Leandro Barbosa: The line: 2 points, 1-for-6 from the field, 0-for-5 from downtown, 2 rebounds, zero assists, 3 turnovers and 3 fouls in 21 minutes. It makes me sad that somebody so young, quick and talented can be so ineffective. It's the same kind of disappoint I feel when my pet monkey just sits there eating bananas instead of picking his nose or comically scratching his butt.

Robin Lopez: It was a rough night for Bozo the Rookie. He played one minute and 35 seconds, contributing zero points, zero rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. That's impact! The way accidentally setting your own pants on fire is "impact." By the way, that happened to my friend Dave D. once. He was goofing around with a pack of wooden matches when one he had just lit popped out of his hand and dropped under the table. We all just assumed it went out, but maybe half a minute later we smelled smoke: The match had lit the frayed edges of his pant cuffs. Fortunately, the fire was quickly extinguished and nobody was hurt. That kind of stuff always happens to Double D. Once, I swear, a wasp flew down the the neck of his shirt, then, when he yanked it open so the wasp could fly out the bottom, it went down his pants. Some people just have bad luck. He's one of them.

Mike James: The Hornets are good, there's no question about that. But they are not deep. That's their "Walton's foot." (By the way, I've decided that "Walton's foot" is going to replace "Achilles’ heel" in all future posts.) Yeah, they beat the Suns last night. But Terry Porter is clearly working hard on establishing a 10-man rotation. Trust me, that's going to make Phoenix better in the long run. The Hornets? They could very well run out of gas by the time the playoffs roll around. Chris Paul played 38 minutes last night while his backup, Mike James, put in about nine and a half minutes of -- you guessed it! -- lack-tion: Zero points, 0-for-2, 2 rebounds, and zero assists. Yeah. You'll might also notice that while CP3 had 10 assists, the rest of the buzzing bugs produced only 6...and 4 of those belonged to David West.

The New Orleans defense: Before you get all excited about those 24 forced turnovers -- most of which were the result of poor and misguided "passes" by the Suns -- keep in mind that Phoenix shot 54 percent from the field.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Oops. Almost forgot. Thanks for the reminder, Yams. Last night, Kobe spent the night collecting a huge pile of rocks to hand out to Trick-Or-Treaters tonight. He also took a few hours to complete his costume, which is make of real, living human flesh.

Update! Rec League losers: From Basketbawful reader Trev: "I got a Worst for the Night for you, even though it doesn't involve the NBA. Last night in our Rec League game, 3 of our 4 top guys for whatever reasons decided not to show up, leaving us with 4 guys. Me (29 and about 65 pounds over my high school, read prime, playing weight) 2 guys in their mid-30's and our 2nd best player overall, an actual real-life baller. Up against a team with not only the 5 starters that are usually a given but also 2 bench players (all of which where younger than me by the way). Anyway it's decided by the powers that be that we will play 4 on 5 and all was going as you would expect with team cinco going up by 15 at one point, but the old guys cut it to 8 by the half and then open the second half on something like a 16 to 2 run to not only improbably catch team cinco but actually take a 6 point lead. We held onto win by 4. How humiliated would you be to let a team with only 4 players hang around let alone beat you? Pretty bad right? Wrong!! Team cinco was talking trash THE ENTIRE GAME even though they had one extra guy on the court and where losing!! They even complained about an injury time out when one of our four got a bloody nose taking a charge. If that doesn't get a Worst of the Night I don't know what does."

Labels: Associated Press, Charlotte Bobcats, DeSagana Diop, Jerry Stackhouse, Leandro Barbosa, Linton Johnson, Mike Fratello, Mike James, reputation calls, Worst of the Night, Yao Ming

Houston versus Atlanta: Who knew 20 in row could make me feel so nauseous. I already described this nightmare once...and I'm not sure I have the iron will necessary to do it again. So here's another take on it from Matt (via email) at Hardwood Paroxysm: "7:10 in the third. 43-43. Rockets shooting 28%, Hawks shooting 33%. Scola goes up, gets blocked. Goes up again, miss. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Misses the tip. Dikembe grabs it. Goes up. Misses it. Is fouled. Rafer Alston drives, goes baseline, runs out of room. Jumps, goes nowhere underneath the basket, and somehow manages to underthrow on the pass to a guy under the basket. It's like watching paraplegics play tether-ball. Make it end."

Jeremy Richardson: A mere 9 seconds of playing time. He must be the new Mario West. (Mario got 7 minutes and 37 seconds. Go Mario!)

Al Thornton: I like this kid. I really do. But I don't like the fact that he scored 17 points on 24 shots. I like my big men to be like my high-priced call girls: Fast, efficient, and discreet. Or the first two, anyway.

Dwight Howard: Mr. Butterfingers had 7 turnovers (to 1 assist) against the Clippers. It was Dwight's 14th game this season with at least 5 turnovers. May I suggest some Stickum?

New York versus Miami: I didn't think a Knicks/Heat game could possibly be any harder to watch than it did in the mid to late-90s. Hoooooo-boy, was I ever wrong! Ricky Davis and Mark Blount combined to shoot the ball 35 times. That's pretty much all I have to say about this one.

The Trade Gang: Paging Mr. Hollinger, Mr. Hollinger to the front desk please. Here's what the "new guys" did for the Cleveland Cavaliers last night: Ben Wallace had a DNP-CD (back spasms). Delonte West scored 5 points (1-for-3), dropped 2 dimes, and lost the ball 5 times. Wally World was 3-for-8 from the field, and 0-for-2 from The Land of Three. Joe Smith scored 5 points (2-for-6) and had 7 rebounds. Update: And, as Basketbawful reader Coonejrj4 reminded me: "Don't forget, Joe Smith also managed to give up an offensive rebound to the always hard-working Vince Carter off a free throw late in the game that essentially locked up the game for the Nets." Remember, that trades was a "big time win" for Cleveland. Just sayin'.

Sasha Pavlovic: Welcome back, Sasha. I think that Mike Brown was hoping for more than zero points (0-for-3) and a turnover, though. But I'm sure you'll get your rhythm back. Pretty sure.

DeSagana Diop: He was the hidden gem in the Kidd trade, but the Nets are still waiting for him to shine. Last night: 2 points, 2 rebounds, 1 assists, zero blocked shots, 2 personal fouls. This situation kind of reminds me about how Ike Diogu was the hidden gem in that Pacers/Warriors trade last season. And we all know how that's turned out. (Actually, nobody follows the Pacers anymore, so you probably don't.)

Seattle SuperSonics: They got routed so thoroughly that Boston's Big Three each played only 25 minutes or less, and everybody on both teams got some PT. Even Donyell Marshall and Francisco Elson. (They combined for 4 points on 2-for-8 shooting.)

Sam Cassell and P.J. Brown: You can't spell "veteran" without "old." Actually, you totally can, but that's not the point. These guys are creaking louder than the Tin Man before Dorothy lubed him up. (A combined 9 points on 4-for-13 shooting.) Brown you can kind of understand, because a few weeks ago he was watching NBA action from what I'm assuming is a large, luxery sofa. Sam-I-Am has been playing all season, hasn't he?

Detroit Pistons: That home loss to Philly was kind of inexplicable for a team that everybody and Bill Simmons thinks is going back to the NBA Finals this season. Here's hoping their Playoff Alarm goes off a few weeks early.

Kevin Ollie: Thanks, Kevin. I haven't handed out a one trillion in a while.

Craig from The Association: This is just a little good natured ribbing. But we were exchanging emails yesterday and he was pretty hard on the New Orleans Hornets. Seems he doesn't think they're really a "top team" in the West, despite the record and despite the fact that they've beaten every other Western Conference playoff team at least once. Well, if last night's 25-point spanking of the defending champs doesn't convince him, nothing will. (Unless they beat the Lakers on Friday.)

The San Antonio bench: They contributed 12 points on 6-for-27 shooting, 4 rebounds, and 4 assists. And those numbers were split up among seven guys. That's what I call the opposite of depth.

Utah Jazz: They scored 114 points - including 40 in the first quarter - on 52 percent shooting and had 30 assists (to 12 turnovers) and still had to rally to beat the Bucks in Milwaukee. Why do the Jazz struggle on the road? Do they miss their teddy bears that much? What's the deal?

Bobby Simmons: He crawled back into the starting lineup and then slithered back into his dark hole after only 13 minutes. This is probably because he scored zero points (0-for-3) to go along with 2 boards, 2 assists, and 2 turnovers. Oh, and 5 personal fouls.

Darko Milicic and Jason Collins: These big men combined for a sum total of zero points on 0-for-3 shooting in about 30 minutes of PT. But we know how mighty the Nuggets are on defense...wait...they gave up a season-high 12 points to Brian Cardinal...

Denver Nuggets: They gave up a season-high 12 points to Brian Cardinal.

Update!! Elgin Baylor: The Clippers found a replacement for the recently bought out Sam Cassell. And his name is Smush Parker. Wooooow. Well, I guess the Clips finally got a former Lakers guard, but I'm pretty sure this isn't exactly what Donald Sterling originally wanted. Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who drew my attention to the signing, said: "Are the Clippers trying to get Elton Brand to opt out this summer or something?" It makes you wonder...

Update!! Bruce Bowen: Congrats on 500 consecutive games played, Bruce. I also like to celebrate special occasions by kicking Chris Paul while he's on the ground. What a coincidence. Dick. (Thanks to the mighty Farfa, who kicked my butt for not including this earlier.)


Bizarre and passive-aggressive complaints: We recently received what may be the strangest letter in Basketbawful history. Here's one version of it. In case you don't have eagle eyes, you can go here to read a larger version. Now, I don't know Tank McNamara, I've never spoken to him, and I have no idea why he has a beef with our site, but I think his complaints are groundless and, frankly, pretty lame. So yeah, I think we're just gonna ignore this one.

Labels: Al Thornton, Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, DeSagana Diop, Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz

DeSagana Diop: The Man The Mavericks Should Not Have Given Up had yet another sucksational game last night: Zero points (0-for-0), 3 rebounds, 1 blocked shot, and 5 fouls in 9 minutes of lack-tion. For the record, those are Greg Kite-like numbers.

Vince Carter: Half-Man, Half-I-Hate-Physical-Contact led the Nets with 26 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. And according to the shot chart, 18 of those attempts were jumpers...seven of which were catapulted from at least 27 feet out. I'll give him a mulligan on the 42-footer he launched at the end of the second quarter, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not even trying to take it to the rim anymore.

Sacramento Kings: Well, it had to happen at some point. Some unlucky team was going to hand the Miami Heat their 10th win of the season, and that unlucky team was the Kings. And they did it in truly craptacular fashion, scoring 11 points in the third quarter on 2-for-20 shooting en route to a 21-point blowout.

Ron Artest: If you haven't already read about Ron Artest's soon-to-be-famous "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft" quote, you have now. Now that Mike Bibby is out of the picture, Artest finally has the chance to be the Big Cheese in Sacramento. But last night, he was just the Big Cheez Whiz, shooting 3-for-14 and getting lit up on defense.

Pat Riley: I know it's been a long time between wins, but that doesn't really explain the following post-game quote from Riles: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

The Cleveland Cavaliers' end-of-game defense: LeBron James hit a layup with 5.9 seconds left, after which the Bucks inbounded to Michael Redd, who drove unmolested down the length of the court before hitting the game-winning shot at the buzzer over the outstretched hands of Wally Szczerbiak. Said LeBron: "There's nothing you can do about that. The guy made a 35-footer fading away." Well, first of all, it was a 27-footer, and second of all...nothing you can do about it?! There were less than 6 seconds left in the game. They knew Redd would have to take the ball at least 70 feet and take a quick shot, so why not double-team him or use a full-court press to get the ball out of his hands. Why give the opposing team's best player a chance to win the game?

Wally Szczerbiak: Not only did he get immortalized in Redd's poster, Wally World shot 5-for-18 from the field. You know, when the Cavs acquired him to fill Larry Hughes shooter/scorer role, they didn't intend for him to actually shoot like Larry Hughes. How's that PER comparison looking now, Mr. Hollinger?

Yi Jianlian: Haven't heard Yi's name in the highlights lately? There's a reason for that. He sucks. Last night Yao's heir scored 2 points (0-for-1) in 15 minutes of off-the-bench lack-tion. Kwame Brown and Andrea Bargnani had better look out...Yi is starting to eye the "Worst Draft Pick Ever" crown.

ESPN's NBA Playlist: Can you find Waldo in ESPN's playlist of videos from last night's NBA action? Here, let me help you...


Raja Bell: On a night in which his team shot almost 60 percent from the field, Raja missed all his two-point field goal attempts and hit only 3-for-12 overall. Didn't Shaq say he was going to make Raja the best shooter in the league? He's only 8-for-29 in the four games he's played with the Big Cactus.

Kwame Brown: From starting center to DNP-CD in just one game.

Marc Iavaroni: After his Grizzlies got caught in the Suns' bear trap, the former Phoenix assistant said: "I think they were just trying to outscore us." There's some crack analysis, huh? First off, it's the Phoenix Suns. Secondly, isn't the goal of every basketball game to outscore your opponents? Just checking, but I'm pretty sure that's the case.

Utah Jazz: There is no excuse whatsoever for a Western Conference playoff contender and division leader to lose to the Minnesota Timberwolves. For today, I am ashamed to be a Jazz fan.

Antoine Walker: You'll notice he hasn't been on the Minnesota roster for a few games. That's because Fatoine wants the T-Wolves to buy him out so he can go get more playing time for a contender. You might be tempted to think that last sentence was the result of all the glue I sniffed this morning, but I promise you that it's the God's honest truth.

Fickle Fate: Yao Ming, injured again, this time with a stress fracture in his left foot. It's not easy being a giant, it just isn't. And it looks like Yao may require surgery to implant a couple screws in his foot to hold the bones together. I'm guessing that wouldn't do a lot to improve his already limited mobility. I can't tell you how much Yao's injury saddens and disappoints me.

The Washington Wizards: The Wiz scored a franchise-low 23 points in the first half, shot 31 percent for the game, and received a 94-69 spanking from the now Yao-less Rockets. Remember all those "They're playing so well without Gilbert Arenas" stories? Man, that seems like a long time ago.

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith followed up his first-ever game-winning shot with an ugly 5-point, 2-for-12 performance. I guess he celebrated a little too hard the night before.

Dikembe Mutombo: The ancient center had this to say after starting in place of the injured Yao: "I believe I set the tempo early and everybody just followed." Now, don't get me wrong, because Mount Mutombo played pretty well for an old guy. But well past the point of setting tempo, unless it's for a funeral march. Edit: Oops. I was wrong. He really did set the tempo.

Seattle SuperSonics: It's not so much that they lost -- I stopped expecting anything out of the Sonics months ago -- it's that they let Austin Croshere beat them (14 points, 6-for-6 shooting, all in the second half). You can never trust a team that gets beaten by Austin Croshere.

Al Harrington: He scored 5 points on 2-for-9 shooting last night. That's not his worst game of the season, but it is a reminder that the Harrington-for-Dunleavy Jr. swap has -- so far -- been a bigger benefit for the Pacers than the Warriors. And that's bad.

Kelenna Azubuike: This second-year man out of London, England was last night's one trillion award winner. Congratulations, Kelenna!

Derek Fisher: Fish was a big part of the Lakers' resurgence earlier this season, but he's been The Forgotten Man in L.A.'s offense since the Pau Gasol trade. And last night's 2-point performance was the first game this season he failed to hit a single field goal (0-for-4).

Labels: Antoine Walker, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeSagana Diop, Dikembe Mutombo, Pat Riley, Ron Artest, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards

Memphis Grizzlies defense: Were they even trying to stop the Mavs last night? Dallas shot almost 54 percent from the field and nearly 42 percent from beyond the arc, and they outrebounded Memphis 47-33. In Memphis. Look, I know it's depressing to play for the Grizzlies, but come on now. You're all professionals. Well, sort of.

Darko Milicic: The Serbian Scarecrow submitted a signature performance against the Mavericks: 2 points (1-for-4), grabbed 5 rebounds, and committed 4 personal fouls in 23 minutes. This probably isn't the last time I'm going to have to say this, but take note anyway: When people expect a player to have a breakout year for six straight seasons, chances are that player will never, ever have a breakout year. Well, unless he's Hedo Turkoglu.

Mike Miller: I didn't forget about you, Mike. The 3-for-10 shooting could maybe be overlooked, but the +/- score of -26 -- which is a team-worst, by the way -- sticks out like a sprained left pinky finger.

DeSagana Diop: This guy has just about fallen out of Avery Johnson's rotation. He played only 7 minutes last night, second fewest on the team next to Maurice Ager (see below). Even Devean George got more minutes. That's something worth crying yourself to sleep over.

Maurice Ager: Cha-ching! That's a one trillion for Mr. Ager.

Denver Nuggets defense: Defense? What's that? Yup, it's just waiting to get back on offense. The Nuggmeisters did their best to impersonate the French in WWII by surrendering 117 points on 50 percent shooting with nary a sign of defiance. Or defense. One problem was that the New Orleans Hornets are actually pretty freaking good. Another is that...

Marcus Camby: A lot of people are campaigning for Camby -- the reigning Defensive Player of the Year -- to be named as a reserve on the Western Conference All-Star team. He had a chance to prove he was worthy of the honor last night, particularly since he was facing off against one his his primary competitors in Tyson Chandler. Well, Chandler used Camby like a jock strap on his way to 10 points (4-of-5) and 16 rebounds (8 of which were offensive). Not only did Chandler outrebound Camby 16-5, he matched the output of the entire Denver front line. Meanwhile, Camby struggled on defense (1 blocked shot, no steals) and forgot how to score on offense (3 points, 0-for-5).

Tim Ducan's handles: TD singlehandedly kept the Spurs in the game last night, but somebody must have replaced his talcum powder with Vaseline. Because 7 turnovers (to 2 assists) in one game? That's kind of a lot. And whatever butter-finger disease Duncan contracted must have been contagious, because the Spurs turned the ball over 20 times and only dished out 11 assists. That's not the 2-for-1 ration you want.

Tony Parker: Eva Longoria finally admitted to something that everyone who follows the NBA already knew. No, not that Tony Parker has a very small penis (although that's true too). The dude totally fakes fouls and injuries. Gee, I'm so very shocked. Remember in last year's playoffs when Parker obliterated Steve Nash's nose with his bulbous head? I mean, Nash's poor beak freaking exploded, yet he just stood there and took it like a man while Parker was writhing around on the court in totally bogus agony. Last night, TP played like the little girl he is, scoring only 5 points on 1-for-7 shooting and committing 4 turnovers.

Michael Finley: These days, when Finley walks by, you can actually smell the formaldehyde. And I've gotta tell you, the rigor mortis is affecting his shooting: 2-for-8 last night and 19-for-54 in his last seven games.

Jarron Collins: This guy is like the Western Conference version of Jason Collins. Which I guess makes sense, since they're related or something. The seven-footer spent almost 10 minutes on the floor last night, yet failed to score a single point (0-for-1) or snare a single rebound. He did commit 1 foul though. Strangely, he had a +/- score of +9, which is yet another example of why I don't trust that stat.

Los Angeles Clippers defense: The Charlotte Bobcats prowled their way into the Staples Center and shot almost 57 percent (and 44 from three-point range). Not the Suns, the Bobcats. Mind you, Charlotte was 3-13 on the road heading into this game. Now, granted, the Clippers were without hideous center Chris Kaman, the league's third leading rebounder and shot ejector, but that's no excuse. The Clippers were just flat out bad. Hey, when Billy Crystal leaves the game early, you know something is very wrong. It's not like he's out filming City Slickers III first thing in the morning.

Brevin Knight: Aren't the Clippers just thrilled they signed this guy over the summer? Talk about your season savers! Knight played 15 minutes, scoring zero points (0-for-1), snagged a rebound, tossed out a couple of assists, and threw the ball away twice. I take particular delight in pointing this out because some dork actually emailed me in the offseason and said, I quote, "The Phoenix Suns would be just as good with any competant point guard. They'd win 60 games with Brevin Knight starting at point guard." Whoever you were, if you're reading this, can you please tell me how those words tasted? Salty? Bitter?

Tim Thomas: How can I criticize the guy, you ask? He totally stepped up his game in Chris Kaman's absence, scoring a season-high 29 points (13-for-23), grabbing a season-high 13 rebounds, and handing out 5 assists. Hell, he even blocked a shot! But this bothers me because Thomas could do this all the time. Okay, okay, not all the time. But he could bring a lot more to the table on a nightly basis than he does. Which has always been the case for him. But he only wakes up once or twice a season to submit a fantastic "What If" performance. What a waste.

Don't forget! There's more Basketbawfully goodness at Deadspin. Key word: NBA Closer.

Labels: Darko, Denver Nuggets, DeSagana Diop, Los Angeles Clippers, Marcus Camby, Memphis Grizzlies, Mike Miller, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Worst of the Night