"Forever's gonna start tonight, baby."
Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Emeka Okafor: See above. Get a room, ladies.

The Associated Press: From last night's game recap: "Branded a one-man team in the past, the Cavaliers showed they can survive without their superstar." Uhm, yeah...against the Bobcats. The Charlotte Bobcats.

In all fairness, it wasn't just the AP. Zydrunas Ilgauskas was also really excited the Cavs could handle the Bobcats while LeBron was getting a long breather in the fourth quarter. "It was kind of weird seeing LeBron on the bench. We got away with it, and if we can do that it will only help us and help his career." Wait. Did I fall into a coma and wake up at a time when the Bobcats are actually good? That didn't happen, did it?

More from LeBron. "We had a lot of guys contribute and I got a lot of rest. Coach believes in our roster and I believe in our roster. I don’t have to average 42 minutes like I have in the past because of our depth." IT WAS THE BOBCATS, PEOPLE! They didn't even win a game during the exhibition season. Calm down. Seriously.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Ugh. Just...ugh.

Raymond Felton: Going 1-for-10 will always earn you a place in WotN. Congratulations!

Sean May: His long awaited return was...kinda sad, actually: 2 points on 0-for-6 shooting in 15 minutes. Three of his shots were blocked. Speaking of which...


Thanks to Basketbawful reader Garron for the video.

Linton Johnson: Brett from Queen City Hoops brought Johnson's line to my attention: 10 minutes, 1 foul, and zero-for-everything-else. Regarding this, Brett said: " I know he is not supposed to be scoring much, he was signed to bring some defensive intensity to a Bobcats squad lacking in it. Yeah, when he was on the court the Cavs scored 166.7 points per 100 possessions, as compared to 110.3 overall. Tough defense. I love supporting the Bobcats." If this keeps up, Basketbawful might have a new mascot.


Mike Fratello: Near the beginning of last night's Rockets-Mavericks game, the Czar of the Telestrator chuckled smugly and assured us that Josh Howard was probably in for a rough night, what with Ron Artest guarding him and all. Well, Josh struggled so badly that he scored 28 points (on 11-for-19 shooting), grabbed 11 rebounds and dished out 4 assists without committing a single turnover. So, you know, good call, Mike.

(By the way, I remember thinking last season: "When was the last time Ron Artest really shut out an uber-talented offensive player?" I mean, he still plays aggressive defense, but is he still a lock-down defender? I'd have to go back and check the box scores, but it always seemed like the scorers usually got their numbers against him, and Kobe flat-out lit him up a couple times. I'm going to keep my eye on this as the season goes on...)

Yao Ming: He was great last night -- 30 points (11-for-15), 13 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocked shots -- but two things bothered me. First, he didn't win the opening tip. I was like, "Whaaaaa...?!" How in the name of Lincoln's wart does a nine-foot man lose the tip to Erick Dampier? I mean, Damp was never one of the great leapers, and I'm not sure I've seen him actually leave the ground since '06. Shouldn't Yao be able to just stand there with his arms raised and win the tip against pretty much anybody? Then...there was this...


Stuffed by the rim, Yao? Really?! That would be like me getting my shot sent back by the Jordan Jammer. Again, a man who is nine feet tall should not have these problems. It makes no sense.

DeSagana Diop: I openly scoffed at all the people who said that Dallas had made a critical error by including Diop in the Jason Kidd trade. He was too valuable, they said, for defense and rebounding. Some even said he was the Mavs' Center of the Futures (TM). Am I the only person who sees Diop for the awkward stiff he is? Well, me and the Nets, because they sure didn't want anything to do with him when his contract expired over the summer. But the Mavericks tried to redress their "mistake" by re-signing Diop in the offseason. There reward for such amazing forward thinking will be many nights like last night, when he contributed zero points and one foul committed for each rebound grabbed (3 of each) in 11 lackluster minutes. Oh, and his defense was so great that Yao was shooting over him like he wasn't even there. And, really, he might as well not have been.

Jerry Stackhouse: Stack (2 points, 1-for-6, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 1 turnover, 1 foul in almost 18 minutes) is D-U-N.

Reputation calls: In the fourth quarter, Josh Howard elbowed Yao Ming. Naturally, they got in each others' faces and Ron Artest rushed in to play peacemaker. Of couse, Ron-Ron got T'd up. Not cool. But on the upside, that proved to be a relationship building moment for Yao and Artest. The big guy defended Artest to the officials, and after the game he said: "Ron's a very good teammate. That happened once in the preseason and he did the same thing. He's trying to help a teammate, sacrificing himself." Has Artest finally grown up? I'll be keeping my eye on that this season as well...


The Phoenix Suns' handles: I once participated in a basketball drill where we had to work on ball handling and precision passing while wearing big, thick mittens. As you can probably guess, it's nearly impossible. Anyway, I'd like to pretend that's what the Suns were doing last night. They committed 24 turnovers that were converted into 21 points for the Hornets. Steve Nash was the primary culprit with 7 turnovers.

The Suns in the first seven minutes of the second quarter: Let's see...1-of-7 shooting and seven turnovers. No wonder they fell so far behind. Did somebody spike their Gatorade during the first quarter break or something?

Leandro Barbosa: The line: 2 points, 1-for-6 from the field, 0-for-5 from downtown, 2 rebounds, zero assists, 3 turnovers and 3 fouls in 21 minutes. It makes me sad that somebody so young, quick and talented can be so ineffective. It's the same kind of disappoint I feel when my pet monkey just sits there eating bananas instead of picking his nose or comically scratching his butt.

Robin Lopez: It was a rough night for Bozo the Rookie. He played one minute and 35 seconds, contributing zero points, zero rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. That's impact! The way accidentally setting your own pants on fire is "impact." By the way, that happened to my friend Dave D. once. He was goofing around with a pack of wooden matches when one he had just lit popped out of his hand and dropped under the table. We all just assumed it went out, but maybe half a minute later we smelled smoke: The match had lit the frayed edges of his pant cuffs. Fortunately, the fire was quickly extinguished and nobody was hurt. That kind of stuff always happens to Double D. Once, I swear, a wasp flew down the the neck of his shirt, then, when he yanked it open so the wasp could fly out the bottom, it went down his pants. Some people just have bad luck. He's one of them.

Mike James: The Hornets are good, there's no question about that. But they are not deep. That's their "Walton's foot." (By the way, I've decided that "Walton's foot" is going to replace "Achilles’ heel" in all future posts.) Yeah, they beat the Suns last night. But Terry Porter is clearly working hard on establishing a 10-man rotation. Trust me, that's going to make Phoenix better in the long run. The Hornets? They could very well run out of gas by the time the playoffs roll around. Chris Paul played 38 minutes last night while his backup, Mike James, put in about nine and a half minutes of -- you guessed it! -- lack-tion: Zero points, 0-for-2, 2 rebounds, and zero assists. Yeah. You'll might also notice that while CP3 had 10 assists, the rest of the buzzing bugs produced only 6...and 4 of those belonged to David West.

The New Orleans defense: Before you get all excited about those 24 forced turnovers -- most of which were the result of poor and misguided "passes" by the Suns -- keep in mind that Phoenix shot 54 percent from the field.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Oops. Almost forgot. Thanks for the reminder, Yams. Last night, Kobe spent the night collecting a huge pile of rocks to hand out to Trick-Or-Treaters tonight. He also took a few hours to complete his costume, which is make of real, living human flesh.

Update! Rec League losers: From Basketbawful reader Trev: "I got a Worst for the Night for you, even though it doesn't involve the NBA. Last night in our Rec League game, 3 of our 4 top guys for whatever reasons decided not to show up, leaving us with 4 guys. Me (29 and about 65 pounds over my high school, read prime, playing weight) 2 guys in their mid-30's and our 2nd best player overall, an actual real-life baller. Up against a team with not only the 5 starters that are usually a given but also 2 bench players (all of which where younger than me by the way). Anyway it's decided by the powers that be that we will play 4 on 5 and all was going as you would expect with team cinco going up by 15 at one point, but the old guys cut it to 8 by the half and then open the second half on something like a 16 to 2 run to not only improbably catch team cinco but actually take a 6 point lead. We held onto win by 4. How humiliated would you be to let a team with only 4 players hang around let alone beat you? Pretty bad right? Wrong!! Team cinco was talking trash THE ENTIRE GAME even though they had one extra guy on the court and where losing!! They even complained about an injury time out when one of our four got a bloody nose taking a charge. If that doesn't get a Worst of the Night I don't know what does."

Labels: Associated Press, Charlotte Bobcats, DeSagana Diop, Jerry Stackhouse, Leandro Barbosa, Linton Johnson, Mike Fratello, Mike James, reputation calls, Worst of the Night, Yao Ming

Avery Johnson: His Mavs got treated like a pair of large, dangling testicles at a nutshot convention by Chris Paul in Game 1. Since the Little General likes his nuts the way they are, he opted to double-down on Paul at every possible opportunity. And it sounded like a good idea at the time...until CP3 disregarded the double-teams and rained fire on all those who dared oppose him. Paul finished with 32 points (10-for-16), 5 rebounds, 17 assists and 3 steals, thus becoming (I think) the first person in NBA history to record at least 30 points and 10 assists in his first two career playoff games. More importantly though, the Hornets delivered a 127-103 colon-blasting to the Mavericks.

The Dallas defense: I doubt it was all Avery's fault that his team couldn't have stopped a corpse (or even Greg Ostertag) from scoring the basketball. New Orleans shot 60 percent from the field, almost 56 from beyond the arc, and they had 30 assists while committing only 6 turnovers.

Jason Kidd: He was supposed to be The Difference, the final piece of Mark Cuban's championship jigsaw puzzle. Now he's being spit-roasted and eaten alive by Chris Paul. Unless something radically changes, this is going to be a series-long ego-ectomy for J-Kidd.

Dirk Nowitzki: What's wrong with this guy? Remember his tempter tantrum after Game 5 of the NBA Finals, when he couldn't even bully a helpless stationary bicycle? Well, last night we got more of the same, with Dirk grumping all over the court and screaming into thin air a couple times. Look, if my team consistently let me down and failed to live up to expectations, I'd be pissed too. But MVPs do not -- cannot -- act like that. That sort of behavior does not evoke confidence from your teammates. Which sort of explains why Jason Terry never seems to totally trust Nowitzki down the stretch...


Random Dallas players: The suck bong was being passed around liberally by the Mavericks last night, wasn't it? Kidd shot 3-for-10. Ditto for Josh Howard. Jerry Stackhouse was 4-for-10. Malik Allen played 11 minutes and contributed 4 fouls and 1 missed shot. Eddie Jones played 10 minutes, scored 3 points on 1-for-3 shooting and committed a couple fouls. Antoine Wright got 7 minutes of PT and had 1 rebound and 2 turnovers. Then there was Juwan Howard, who got into the game for 3 minutes to miss 1 shot, bone 3 freethrows, commit one foul, and finish with 1 point.

Mike James: Two seasons ago, he was scoring 20 PPG for the Toronto Raptors. Now he can't even get off the Hornets' bench in an obvious blowout. Oh how the "mighty" have fallen.

Toronto's starters (except Chris Bosh): No wonder Bosh doesn't trust his teammates. Anthony Parker scored zero points (0-for-4) in 38 minutes. T.J. Ford shot 1-for-8 and had 4 turnovers in 24 minutes. Rasho Nesterovic -- who's been on fire lately -- played only 5 minutes. (I guess the alien overlords returned the real Rasho.) Andrea Bargnani scored 9 points (4-for-9), grabbed 1 rebound and committed 4 fouls.

Jamario Moon: He finally looks like a rookie again: 3 points (1-for-7), 5 rebounds.

Sam Mitchell and/or Chris Bosh: The Raptors actually had a chance to steal this game, which ended with a 19-foot desperation jumper by Chris Bosh. That's the best play Sam could draw up? Seriously? Of course, it might have been Bosh going rogue. Bosh had been pretty clearly fouled on his previous drive to the basket but got no whistle, and after the game he indicated that was why he chose to fire it up from outside. "The time before I drove the basket and I didn't get a call. I didn't want to put it in the referee's hands. I wanted to get a clean look -- I felt like I did a decent job. I got a decent look and just missed the shot." Good choice. [/dripping sarcasm]

Hedo Turkoglu: Now, now, Hedo. Don't give us the Duncan face. We all saw that little push you gave Bosh after the foul. You're not fooling anybody. [From Odenized.]


Grant Hill: Well, we all knew it was too good to be true. Hill made it through the season only to fall victim to a nagging groin injury. And so the story goes. Hill played last night, but you could hardly tell it: 19 minutes, zero points (0-for-1), 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 1 foul. This man was absolutely critical to the Suns' playoff hopes...and he's clearly moving at half speed. That's bad news for Phoenix.

Leandro Barbosa: He's supposed to be the X-factor, right? The Brazillian Blur...speed and scoring off the bench...running the offense when Steve Nash needs a rest. Epic fail. Last night's line: zero points, 0-for-7 from the field, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists in 23 minutes.

Mike D'Antoni: I have lost all faith in him. I honestly don't know what else to say.

Tony Parker: Man, I hate Tony Parker. I can't even pretend to be objective about the tiny Frenchman. He is such a huge, flapping vagina. I'm sorry; that's an insult to huge, flapping vaginas everywhere. Remember in last year's playoffs how Parker's head destroyed Steve Nash's nose? Yet Nash barely flinched while Tony flopped to the court and writhed around like he'd just been shot in the head.

Now watch him do the exact same thing after running into Shaq last night. Same fetal position, same agonized clutching of his head. For God's sake, Tony, grow a pair, okay? Your wife already told us about your fake flopping tactics. And speaking of Mrs. Longoria, Tony had a special but impossible for anybody else to understand message for his wife last night. It's official: He has become Doug Christie.


Epilogue: Despite the fact that he crumpled like a wet paper bag the split second he hit Shaq, Parker turned all tough guy after the game. "He was trying to play physical. But that's not going to stop me." Oooooo...scary.

NBA.com: First off, congratulations to Kevin Garnett for being named Defensive Player of the Year. It was well-deserved. But would you like to know the real secret to Boston's defensive magic? According to NBA.com's official DPoY announcement, Shane Battier is a secret Celtic. I was as shocked as you are. (Thanks to Basketbawful readers Charles and Arjun, who were all over this.)


Don C. Kalant Senior: [Frivolous Lawsuit Alert!!] This "prominent" dentist from Naperville, Illinois is suing the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull. Apparently, Benny gave Kalant a crippling high-five during a February 12th Bulls game that hyperextended Kalants drilling arm. As a result, Kalant has been unable to work since the incident. And he apparently won't be able to spot-check for cavities again until sometime in May. Not to belittle a man's brave fight against the injustice of fate, but if you're so incredibly fragile that a high-five from a man dressed in a furry bull costume can take you out for five months, then you have no one to blame but yourself. What are you doing at a Bulls game? Or even leaving the house, for that matter? I suggest that you cover yourself in a few thousand layers of bubble wrap, fill your home with packing peanuts and lost of nice, soft pillows, and never go outside again.

Labels: Avery Johnson, Chris Bosh, Dallas Mavericks, frivolous lawsuits, Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Leandro Barbosa, Phoenix Suns, Sam Mitchell, San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker, Toronto Raptors

Something's wrong in the Valley ofthe Sun. And Nash is pissed about it.
The Suns suck. Relatively speaking, of course. I mean, they're still one of the league's elite teams. At 24-10, they have the best record in the Western Conference, and the third best record in the NBA, behind only Boston (29-3) and Detroit (26-8). In truth, they're only a couple victories off last season's 61-win pace; after 34 games last year, the Suns were 26-8, en route to the league's second-best record. But there's something wrong, something off about the team. I really believe that.

I'm no John Hollinger, but I decided to do a basic statistical comparison, determined to find the smoking gun:


Well, okay. Wow. No smoking guns there. The Suns' scoring and shooting numbers are nearly identical to last season. Their assist and rebounding numbers are up slightly, as are their steals and blocked shots. Alrighty then, let's look at what the Suns' opponents are doing this season:


Now we have something to go on. Teams are scoring and (especially) rebounding better against the Suns this season. Just for the hell of it, let's look at the Suns' differentials:

So the Suns' biggest problem (and I'm not the first person to mention this) seems to be rebounding, where their negative differential has dropped from -2.3 to -5.6. And in case you were wondering -- and even if you weren't -- the answer is yes: The Suns have the worst rebounding differential in the league. Only the Golden State Warriors (-5.3) are nearly as bad on the boards; the next closest team is the Clippers (-2.8).

The Suns really miss Kurt Thomas. And not just his numbers. They have rebounders; Shawn Marion is pulling down 10.1 rebounds per game, and Amare Stoudemire is grabbing 9.1 per. What they miss is a big man who plays solid interior defense, who's willing to put a body on people and mix it up in the paint. Stoudemire may be averaging 2.3 blocked shots per game, but he's a paratrooper; he likes to fly through the air and send shots into the crowd. He's not a physical player. Every team needs at least one big man who likes the rough stuff, even if that player doesn't contribute in obvious ways. Take Portland's Joel Przybilla. His 4.6 PPG and 6.9 RPG aren't going to get him onto the All-Star team, but his toughness inside the paint is a game-changing element for the Blazers.

The Suns don't have that toughness inside. Physically or emotionally. We all know Shawn "I think it's time for me to move on" Marion wants more money and more acclaim, preferably elsewhere. It's as if his $16,440,000 salary (good for 12th in the league and 1st on his team) isn't real, and his four All-Star appearances and two All-NBA Third Team honors never happened.

Stoudemire, as everybody knows, wants to be The Man in Phoenix. He leads the team in PPG (22.0) and FGA (14.0), but he also gets visibly frustrated when he isn't getting his shots. Amare claimed that he missed the Suns' 45-minute practice on Sunday because his kids were ill, but the reality seems to be that Stoudemire himself was sick about only getting 11 shots in Saturday's tough 118-113 loss to the New Orleans Hornets. In that game, Stoudemire went shotless in the third quarter, and then went shotless again for the final six minutes of the game until a last-second three-point attempt. After the game, he punched his palm and told reporters, "We've got to all get on the same page!"

Steve Nash is still Steve Nash, the best point guard in basketball (although Jason Kidd is still a triple-double machine, and young guys like Chris Paul and Deron Williams are hot on Nash's heels). But he doesn't command the respect, or fear, of other great players have. Scottie Pippen might have secretly hated Jordon, and envied his position as the Bulls' Alpha Dog, but he never seriously tried (or expected) to supplant him, just as Kevin McHale and James Worthy had no misconceptions about their respective places in the pecking order behind Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. For whatever reason, Nash's teammates -- Marion and Stoudemire at least -- don't have the same level of reverence for their two-time MVP. After Stoudemire's missed practice, Nash said, "If that stuff is going on, it needs to be stopped or else we can kiss it goodbye, because you can't win at this level if you don't have great chemistry and you don't pull for each other. If you're worried about your shots or about yourself or making excuses and pointing fingers at other players, that's for losers."

Bird, Jordan, and Magic used to say stuff like that, and their teams (usually) responded. After the Celtics lost to the Lakers by 33 points in Game 3 of the 1984 NBA Finals, Bird called his teammates (and himself) "a bunch of sissies." The next game, Kevin McHale clotheslined Kurt Rambis, Bird hip-checked Michael Cooper into the stands, and the Celtics beat the Lakers in overtime (after which Bird, assessing his team's improved performance, said, "Yeah, we [only] played like a bunch of women tonight."). I just don't see the Suns reacting the same way to Nash's sometimes frequent critiques.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the Suns did respond to Nash's tough love. After all, they came out on Monday and dropped 137 points on the Nuggets. Marion hit five three-pointers on his way to a season-high 27 points. Stoudemire got 13 shots and had 20 points and 10 rebounds. Even the much-maligned Marcus Banks got into the game, and into the act, scoring 23 points (7-for-8) in almost 20 minutes of action.

The question is: Will it last? Are the Suns chemistry issues over? I doubt it. Marion will become a free agent at the end of this season. The Suns clearly haven't decided what they want to do with him, and he knows that. Marion doesn't know whether he wants to remain loyal to the Suns or seek more money and glory somewhere else, and the Suns know that. Stoudemire wants to be The Man on his team and one of the best centers in the league, but he doesn't want to to the dirty work (blocking out, getting physical inside, laying the wood on the opposing team's big men) that centers are supposed to do. And Nash, well, no one really knows how long he's going to hold up. Meanwhile, Raja Bell's health has been spotty and his numbers are down. Leandro Barbosa has taken a small step back this season, and Boris Diaw has taken a huge leap back. Nobody knows how long Grant Hill's body is going to hold up (although the Suns are no doubt praying for a miracle "Bill Walton in 1986" season from him). And nobody knows whether D'Antoni will ever feel completely comfortable utilizing his bench.

I know I might be overreacting. The Suns are still good. Really good. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe seeing them get mandhandled twice by the Lakers got me too worked up. And maybe seeing the chemistry and joy in Portland reminds me of how much fun the Suns were having during their big winning streaks last season, and the season before that, and the season before that. I guess, in the end, I just want a little more fun in the Suns. Is that too much to ask?

Quick fixes: Personally, I think Kerr should trade Marion (before he bolts in the off-season) for a sturdy, defense-oriented big man, and move Stoudemire to the power forward position (which is his natural position). Then you can slide Grant Hill to the small forward (as long as his body holds up), and play Nash and Bell at the guard spots. Play Brian Skinner as much as you can, even if he isn't putting up big numbers. And D'Antoni needs to develop a set rotation.

Update: Is Shawn Marion just too good for the Suns? The gentlemen at Hardwood Paroxysm think so. And you know what? They may be right.

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boris Diaw, Leandro Barbosa, Mike D'Antoni, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Shawn Marion, Steve Nash, sucking