I'm starting to understand why LeBron felt
the need to blindside his boss - heretofore known as
The Mayor of Crazytown.


Dear Commissioner,

I've been sitting in my mansion for the past year watching old DVR'd Cleveland Cavalier games, and you know what I learned? I learned that my team was WAY F***ING BETTER with LeBron James on it. So I write you today with an empassioned plea to follow through on your commitment to maintain competitive balance in this league and force Chris Paul stay right where he is. And go ahead, put it to a vote. I'm pretty sure we can summon a majority of teams who don't want to see the Lakers suck the best talent from the rest of the league like a giant yellow and purple black hole.

What? You tell me that I'm forcing the New Orleans Hornets to suffer the same injustice that I did by losing a superstar and getting nothing in return? Pishaw. I want the best player to stay with the small market team. I have confidence that at the end of the shortened season and even shorter playoff run, Chris Paul will see the error in his public statements and in his internal desires and realize he should stay put. And if he doesn't, if he goes to the Knicks or the Lakers for less money with nothing in return, so the hell what? I had to deal with that, and I managed just fine.

But this isn't about me. This is about the integrity of the League. And I submit that the most upstanding thing for the League to do is squash trades that do not fit with our own narrow-minded definition of what is fair and just.

So not to get too personal or anything, but my therapist tells me I have a God complex. I don't really see how I'm like that. I am all about others. I was not even remotely thinking about my own agenda when I sent my first-born son to represent me in my effort to cleanse the world of its sins.

Nope. Wasn't thinking of myself at all. That wasn't a PR move. That was me being a magnanimous, good-hearted, family man. I think God would agree. In fact, I just talked to Him, and He does.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. F*** the Lakers. They're even setting themselves up to go get Dwight Howard after securing Chris Paul, and if you think that's competitive balance, then maybe I've forgotten the definition of it since we "resolved" this lockout situation. Some idiots might say that's all "good, forward-thinking team management," or "a willingness to give up talent to get talent," but those people didn't get massively hammered in the keister by LeBron's gigantic ramrod. No seriously - again, not about me - I bought stock in Vaseline right after the "Decision," and am quite happy I did.

So to sum up:
1.) F*** the Lakers.
2.) I hope LeBron James dies in a house fire. Drowning would also be acceptable.
3.) If I propose a trade - Chris Paul for Andersen Varajao and Baron Davis, I don't expect any flak. Yeah, yeah, Hurricane Katrina and all that - but if you're about to compare a little wind and water with the thoughtless, tragic departure of an all-time great Superstar, then it sounds to me like I'm not the only one being accused of God complexity. (That's because I just accused you of it - I wanted to explain that because it's clever and I didn't want you to miss it).

Sincerely,
Dan Gilbert

P.S.> A few of my friends are affixing their signatures to this document, as they feel the same way I do.


Take that, Buss.
Signed, Mark Cuban


Not a player anymore. Sorry, Chris.
Thought this 'stache was just a coincidence?
Signed, God


Not really famous, not attractive, and I own the Knicks. Life sucks.
Signed, James Dolan

Labels: Charlotte Hornets, Chris Paul, dan gilbert, Lakers, letter to david stern, Los Angeles Clippers

Yikes. I think Doug's still pissed about those four-point plays...
Mavericks-Bulls: Allow me, if you will, to quote myself. From By The Horns:

It was a real defensive battle out there, folks. The kind where it looked like both teams were wading through invisible mud. Chicago hit only 36.9 percent of their shots. Dallas converted on 35.6 of theirs.

The Bulls scored 12 points in the third quarter. That represented the team’s season-low for a single quarter.

The Mavs finished with 77 points. That was their third-lowest output of the season. On December 28, minus leading scorer Dirk Nowitzki, they scored 76 points against the Raptors. On January 15, in Dirk’s first game back, they managed only 70 points against the Grizzlies in Memphis.

The teams combined for two fast break points. Chicago had none.

Nowitzki — who is a legitimate MVP candidate — went 6-for-16 from the field, missed both of his three-point attempts, and pulled down only two rebounds in 38 minutes. In case you forgot, the dude is seven feet tall and has averaged 8.4 RPG over his 13-year NBA career.

Derrick Rose had a stellar stat line: Game highs in points (26) and assists (9) to go with 7 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. Of course, he went 9-for-28 from the field, including 5-for-20 in the second half, and committed a game-high 4 turnovers.

Rose was the only Bulls player to score in double figures.

Now allow me to supplement myself. According to Hoopdata, Dallas was 5-for-12 at the rim (41.7 percent), 2-for-7 inside 10 feet (28.6 percent), 6-for-14 from 10-15 feet (42.9 percent) and 6-for-18 from 16-23 feet (33.4 percent).

Chicago was 7-for-21 at the rim (33.4 percent), including 1-for-6 by Derrick Rose and 1-for-5 by Omer Asik. The Bulls also went 4-for-10 inside 10 feet (40 percent) and 10-for-32 from 16-23 feet (31.3 percent).

My point? I'm surprised people in the United Center didn't have this reaction:


The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs get their own entry for the way they delivered some bad news to poor Alexis Ajinca. Apparently, Dallas is working on a trade that would send Ajinca to the Raptors to create a roster spot for Peja Stojakovic without having to cut Sasha Pavlovic, whom they just signed. Ajinca was dressed and warming up at the United Center last night when Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle had to tell him to turn in his uniform and head back to the hotel.

Even to a guy like me, that's cold.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Man. Check out their last six games:

112-109 OT road loss to the Pistons
111-103 home loss to the Pacers
95-94 home win over the Bucks
96-92 OT home win over the Bobcraps
99-98 OT road loss to the Magic
100-97 road loss to the Bobcraps

Losses that were almost wins. Wins that were almost losses. But their 2-4 stretch typifies their 17-25 record and their average point differential of -0.6. On the one hand, they're losing a lot of close games. On the other hand, they're losing a lot of close games.

And it's the little, mental lapses that keep haunting the Sixers. In their previous loss, an overtime defeat in Orlando, they gave up two big four-point plays, one in regualtion and one in the OT session. Last night, they lost (in part) because they couldn't adjust to a single play.

From the AP recap:

The Bobcats' owner had to love what he saw from [Gerald] Henderson down the stretch.

Henderson, a bit player under former coach Larry Brown, has become part of the rotation though he is hardly known for his shooting. But he hit three consecutive jumpers on the same curl play from the right wing in the final 1:40. The last came with 26 seconds left to put Charlotte ahead 96-93.

"It was the same exact play all three times," said Henderson, who scored 11 points. "We call it 3-down and everybody in the NBA runs it. But it works because if you get two screens it's hard to defend. I came off ready to shoot, D.J. made a good pass every time and I just knocked the shots down."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times...

Andre Iguodala: I don't mean to pick nits or anything, especially when the guy led his team with 19 points on 7-for-11 shooting to go along with 5 boards, 5 assists and 4 steals. But Iggy bricked a free throw that would have tied the game with 40 seconds left. Then, with 11 ticks on the clock, he shanked a jumper that would have brougth Philly to within a point.

And when you consider the fact that Andre gave up the four-point play in the fourth quarter of that loss to the Magic, well, it seems like he's kind of the Anti-Clutch...

...with all due disrespect to Vince Carter.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "It's always disappointing when you lose. I texted Michael [Jordan] the other night after they had beaten Chicago and congratulated him. He said 'Yeah, we can't beat you though.' So I'm sure Michael reached out to the guys for them to beat his old coach today. He probably gave them a little pep talk."

Ah, that Doug. He's the kind of friend you'd write a song about. I love how he loves to name drop MJ. I also love that his text might have moved Jordan to fire up his team.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Jordan Heimer of the TrueHoop Network wrote the lead story for today's Daily Dime. No, I'm not bitter he relegated my Derrick Rose piece to the second spot by writing about the Clippers' playoff chances (currently zero-ish percent). Not at all. Hey, the Clippers are 10 games below .500 and coached by Vinny Del Negro. They're obviously a bigger story than Derrick Rose and his burgeoning MVP candidacy.

I keed.

Actually, the Clippers are a big story. I know 16-26 doesn't sound all that impressive. But subtract the 1-13 start and you have a team that's...15-13. Which, again, doesn't sound all that impressive until you realize we're talking about the Los Angeles Clippers. And let's not forget the two most exciting words in the English language: Blake Griffin.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because people have been getting so excited about The Other L.A. Team's recent hot streak -- 11 wins in 15 games -- that people have begun talking about...the playoffs. And you know what that means:


The stat curse was in. I mean putting the words "Clippers" and "playoffs" in the same sentence...it just can't end well. Sure enough, the Clips submitted one of their patented "They are who we thought they were" performances, choking away an early 14-point lead and ultimately losing by 15. The Other L.A. Team shot missed 17 three-pointers, shot 43 percent for the game, and gave up 20 poitns off 16 turnovers. Meanwhile, the Brandon Roy-less Frail Blazers hit 56 percent of their shots. Although, about that Bradon Roy-less part...

Brandon Roy: Did you know Portland is 14-7 without Roy this season? Which means they were 10-13 with him. Huh.

Vinny Del Negro, super-exciting quote machine: "I thought the Blazers executed much better than we did, in the second half especially. Our defense was not good enough or tough enough."

Chris's amazing one-line lacktion ledger: Jason Kapono punched out 26 seconds of time for a Mario, while Eduardo Najera gathered up a 2.05 trillion (2:03) for His Airness.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Los Angeles Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

Constipation: It's Serious Business
Uka pointed this out in WOTN comments:

So Marc Stein is not basketbawful reader. Not surprisingly given the nature of this blog and the fact that Marc Stein is the huge NBA player ass-kisser

"Not sure if he's the first to say it, but the new nickname for Roy, Oden & Co. spotted in John Canzano's column in the Oregonian -- Frail Blazers -- rings as harsh as it is true. Just like Jail Blazers from another era to forget."

How disappointing. I don't claim that we invented the nickname, since I'm sure 800 other people have used it at some point or another (it's so obvious!). However, how can you be that out of touch, Stein? I called him out on Twitter -- we'll see if he responds.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"Mmm... Snuggle fresh..."

"Why did I take this job again?"

"And why did I take this job again?"

If I had to guess which game would have a picture like this...

I guess the phrase "For Nothing" is implied in that poster?

"Been awhile since I celebrated, don't remember how, gotta concentrate..."

Nationally Televised Games:
Mavericks at Heat, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Just a reminder: the last time these teams met was the "LeBron bumps into Spoelstra" game. Revenge game possibilities, anyone?

All the Other Games:
Magic at Hawks, 7pm: Hey Orlando, I'm truly sorry, but I have to say it: Ball.

Jazz at Cavaliers, 7pm: The Jazz have gotten into the "zig-zag" pattern that Vegas sharps love to bet in the playoffs. Win one, lose one. Win one, lose one. Do they not realize they have a few months to go before it's even time for the playoffs? Anyone looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the Jazz, get them a calendar.

Hornets at Pacers, 7pm: Let's just say this game isn't giving me the itch to order NBA League Pass.

Bobcraps at Wizards Generals, 7pm: All right, Washington. You finally got rid of Gilbert Arenas' awful contract! And in return you got... Rashard Lewis' likewise awful contract and five to seven fewer points per game. Hurray? Well, less chance of gun-related arrest action, so you've got that going for you, which is nice.

Suns at Spurs, 8:30pm: When I first saw the news about the Suns/Magic trade, I was disgusted. Then the more I thought about it, I began to convince myself maybe it's not the end of the world. They're not a championship contender this year anyway. Why not get rid of Hedo and his contract for any other warm body? Plus, Pietrus's catch-and-shoot threes are a good fit and maybe he can play some defense, and Gortat could give them the inside presence they need if he can handle playing lots of minutes. And Vinsanity's an expiring contract from what I understand, so maybe that won't be too bad? Am I just delusional and lying to myself at this point?

Bucks at Frail Blazers, 10pm: We have officially reached the point where it's nearly impossible to come up with new ways to say "the Blazers are a goddamn trainwreck of injuries."

Rockets at Warriors, 10:30pm: Good news, Houston fans! The Rockets have won seven of their 10 games this month. Bad news? They're still three games under .500 at this point. If they were in the Leastern conference, that wouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Timberwolves at Clippers, 10:30pm: The Clippers have stopped being who we thought they were for a brief time, and are riding a two game winning streak. National media begins referring to them as "surging" in three... two... one...

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Hedo Turkoglu, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers

"Our interior presence! It's hideous!"
Lots and lots of picture bawfuly goodness from this weekend to share, so I'll try to keep this one short.

Here's one from Basketbawful reader Will: "After reading this article, I've come to the conclusion that Isaiah Thomas is actually the world's foremost character actor and his ongoing role is a delusional nutcase. See what he says about the sexual harassment suit the Knicks lost because of him."

And as linked on Deadspin: NBA Player Visualization. Cartoon caricatures of NBA players are created with the size and shape of their legs, arms, heads, eyes, etc. based on different stats. Once you look at it, the whole thing makes sense. It is far more entertaining than I ever anticipated. It's also great proof that Chris Duhon is a terrible basketball player.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Caption this!What's going on with The Big Facemaker?

This poor lady (right) just could not be consoled after her husband was tragically crushed by Baby's fat ass(Caption via the Anonymous reader in BAD comments)

Big Baby really looks like he's listening to whatever expletives KG's dishing out

If only Hedo Turkoglu was still with the Craptors, this could have been one of the best "Ball" moments of all time

How long until an usher comes by and kicks Sonny Weems out of that seat for not having a ticket?

"(insert your expletive of choice here)"

It's a battle of awesome coaching faces! Which do you think has been more successful this year? (If you answer Jim O'Brien, you are either Jim O'Brien or Jim O'Brien's mom)

Speaking of success... these guys have no idea what that's like

"I am so fired..."

Air guitar solo!!
Pops approves with an air high five!

Nationally Televised Games:
Magic at Spurs, NBA TV, 8:30pm: The Spurs are off to their best start ever, and averaging 107.8 points per game. Are people still throwing out that cliché that the Spurs are a boring team to watch? Just curious.

All The Other Games:
Celtics at Hawks, 7pm: Rajon Rondo's expected to sit out this game. Noooooooooooooooo!! Not another loss!!!

Pacers at Heat, 7:30pm: Udonis Haslem's ligaments. Dwayne Wade's hand. The Countdown to Failure continues to escalate! Like the Jelly of the Month Club, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Timberwolves at Thunder, 8pm: So, wait a second. Kevin Durant, the team's star player, gets injured and suddenly the team wins two straight games?? Ewing Theory overload! Ewing Theory overload!! Someone go check on Bill Simmons and make sure his head hasn't exploded Scanners-style.

Suns at Rockets, 8:30pm: Two broken, beaten down teams with uneven rosters that can't play defense enter, one team leaves with a victory. It's like the lamest version of the Thunderdome ever.

Kings at Jazz, 9pm: The Jazz are averaging an NBA-worst 44.1% in the first half, and an NBA-leading 48.8% in the second half. Does ANYBODY on this team realize that an NBA game is 48 minutes long? Do they need to hang posters in the locker room to remind everyone? I mean, it's not like the NFL's concussion posters where you expect everyone to forget things. (Because they have concussions, you see.)

Nuggets at Warriors, 10:30pm: I just always find it entertainingly goofy when a team can average 3.7 fewer points per game than they allow, yet they have a winning record. The Golden State Warriors, everyone!

Hornets at Clippers, 10:30pm: Let me get this straight. The Hornets shot 32.2% from the field and won a game?? I don't care if it's against the Purple Paupers, that's still unbelievable. A middle school team wearing blindfolds could put up a better shooting percentage than that against Suckramento. And yet they still won that game! This has to be a sign for the kind of season New Orleans is going to have. You might as well put money on them to make it to the NBA Finals at this point. (NOTE: not liable for any and all gambling losses you will undoubtedly suffer if you listen to my advice. If I knew anything about gambling, 1) I wouldn't be working a 9-to-5 job, and 2) I wouldn't share my knowledge on a blog, especially one that pays me $0 a year)

Oh, and just for the record, the Clippers are who we thought they were, and I am sad for Blake Griffin.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Jose Calderon air guitar solo, Los Angeles Clippers

Labels: Dwight Howard, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash, Vinny Del Negro

"What's that? You want me to box out and rebound??"
Today has sucked for yours truly. I don't really have much to say right now, but it is my duty as a Basketbawful writer to update you on the Tony Parker divorce proceedings. First, Basketbawful reader Scott noted in WOTN comments: "According to a statement from the show, Longoria tells Lopez that she found "hundreds of text messages" from a woman on Parker’s phone, and that this woman was revealed to be the wife of one of Parker’s teammates." Now I'm hearing Tony Parker allegedly cheated with Brent Barry's wife. Okay then.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Playing for the Sixers makes my brain hurt"

It's entirely too early in the season to be looking that broken and demoralized

Rudy Fernandez is too busy staring at those sweet kicks to bother fighting for the ball
Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Heat, ESPN, 7pm: Actual line from the STATS LLC preview: "The Heat may have begun lessening the criticism by beating Toronto 109-100 on Saturday." I'm sorry, but beating the Craptors by single digits doesn't prove a damn thing.

Bulls at Spurs, ESPN, 9:30pm: In the WOTN, Bawful noted that Joakim Noah looked "like ass" last night. Unfortunately, he gets to play against the Spurs tonight -- he's only averaged 4.8 boards per game in the six total games he's played against San Antonio. And considering the Spurs have started the season 8-1, that's probably not a good sign for tonight's game. Throw in the second night of a back-to-back on the dreaded Circus Trip, and... ouch.

All The Other Games:
Craptors at 76ers, 7pm: Jeez. This game is like a car wreck -- hard to look away it's so terrible. Speaking of which...



Wizards Generals at Celtics, 7:30pm: Betcha $20 we won't see anything this cool in this game:

(h/t Deadspin)
Lakers at Pistons, 7:30pm: With the news that Ben Wallace wants to be a defense attorney after he retires, the Lakers have changed their gameplan to having their bench players hold up pictures of Judge Judy, random Law & Order characters, and Matlock -- surely this will distract Wallace enough for the Lakers to win the game! Or they could just play them outright and beat the hell out of them because they're the Pissed-Ons, but whatever. Where's the fun in that?

Also, I can't wait to buy the Ben Wallace Inflatable Courtroom Defender.

Mavericks at Hornets, 8pm: On Monday, the Mavs ended the Hornets' quest for 82-0. Could this be a revenge game???

Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: Since Blake Griffin's already lost the will to live after being forced to witness Clippers games first-hand every night, this game won't have anything worth watching. Well, except for Darko. You gotta keep an eye on him just in case he sends a random botched pass or bricked shot in your direction.

Rockets at Thunder, 8pm: Amazing how these two teams are playing this year, isn't it? All offense, no defense, all the time! Durant could go off for 40 tonight.

Nyets at Jazz, 9pm: If the Jazz actually have to come back from their usual halftime deficit in this game, I will be greatly saddened.

Bricks at Kings, 10pm: Sadly, one of these teams has to win this game, meaning that either a 5 game losing streak or a 6 game losing streak will be broken. Thankfully, one of those two losing streaks will be increased, so I guess not all is lost.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Los Angeles Clippers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Tony Parker

Don't forget about...the...Hawks...oh, never mind.
The Orlando Magic: Memo to the rest of the NBA: If you pull ahead of the Utah Jazz by 18 or more points...they have you exactly where they want you.

Down 18 points to the Clippers on Saturday: They won.

Down 22 points to the Heat in Miami on Tuesday: They won.

Down 18 points to the Magic in Orlando on Wednesday: They won.

What's the deal? Ancient Chinese secret?

Said Paul Milsap: "I guess, getting behind. I guess that's what it takes to show all our talents."

The Jazz got behind while the Magic were getting it from behind. Utah put on a 24-2 run between the third and fourth quarters and then outscored Orlando 39-20 in the fourth to win 104-94, completing a staggering 28-point turnaround. On the road. Against a supposed contender. On the second night of back-to-backs. After beating the Super Friends of South Beach.

Said Stan Van Gundy: "Ridiculous professional basketball."

By ridiculous, SVG must be referring to the 25 points his team gave up off 21 turnovers (including 6 TOs for Dwight Howard). Or maybe it was the 11 missed free throws (including 8 by Pumaman). Or maybe it was the defense, which, well, yeah.

Balls.
Bonus bawful from reader William W.:

Watching Jazz vs Magic out of the corner of my eye, with ~3:50 left in the fourth quarter Rashard Lewis drove to the basket and then kicked out to the corner for a three... but the pass bounced off the legs of one of his teammates on the bench who was half standing up. Best part, the intended recipient (Redick I think) was wearing a towel. Cut to Stan Van Gundy mouthing "you've got to be f***ing kidding me". When the Magic were next on the offensive end Redick had a warm-up jacket on.

Great success!

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "Improbable? We're supposed to be able to play. It wasn't probably, it was just a matter of trying to come and play and worry about what happened later."

Also, regarding whether Miami-Orlando was the toughest back-to-back road combination the Jazz could have faced:

"You mean because of the weather? It's a 20-minute flight. It's not so bad."

Have I mentioned I have a man crush on this crotchety old bastard?

Carlos Boozer: From Basketbawful reader Stockton:

Utah's Paul Millsap is one of three players in the league averaging at least 20 points and 10 rebounds per game. Millsap is posting a team-high 24 points and 10.9 boards per outing, joining Howard and the Lakers’ Pau Gasol in the esteemed category.

As for Boozer, he leads the league in injuries caused by bags.

The Atlanta Hawks: Okay. Where are all those "Don't forget about the Hawks!" articles and blog posts now?

There's no sugarcoating this one: The Bucks flat out pummeled the Dirty Birds. Milwaukee won the second quarter 33-14. The Bucks' reserves outscored Atlanta's bench 35-6...in the first half. Milwaukee led by as many as 30 points and the Hawks had to outscore them 32-20 in the fourth quarter to make the final score (108-91) simply "humiliating and pathetic" instead of "totally retarded."

By the way: The game was in Atlanta.

Said Al Horford: "It's hard to explain. I don't understand what happened."

Added Josh Smith: "When adversity hit us in the face, we went our separate ways."

And Hawks coach Larry Drew said: "When it gets a little tough, we have a tendency to hold our heads down. I don't want to see our guys hang their heads."

Uh oh. Is somebody going to warn him or should I?

Joe Johnson: The line: 13 points, 5-for-13, 0-for-3 from downtown, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. The contract: Six year, $119 million.

The Houston Rockets: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

The Rockets and Wizards Generals had their own Short Bus version of the Thunderdome last night. Houston was 1-5 and Washington was 1-4. Somebody was coming out of this with two wins...and somebody wasn't.

The Rockets were the wasn'ts.

John Wall went into Rookie God Mode (19 points, 13 assists, 10 rebounds, 6 steals) and poor Yao Ming -- SHOCK ALERT! -- got injured (strained tendon) six minutes and 14 seconds into the game. The Rockets shot 39 percent, gave up 25 fast break points and further tarnished the money ball genius of Daryl Morey.

Said Rick Adelman: "I was disappointed again. Every game we've had this year -- except for the one we won -- right down to the fourth quarter, we have a chance to win, and we don't get it done."

The Celebration of Chinese Heritage: From Basketbawful reader Myles N.:

Watching the Wizards game? Asian Heritage Night makes for pretty funny commentary.

During a commercial break they did a tiny piece on 'Dray learning more about Yi's "culture" by going to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I'm not sure how familiar you are with "Chinatown" in DC - but it's pretty much two blocks. So this is already a little funny for me. They then cut to show 'Dray and Yi sitting down and eating together, and the narrator drops a choice quote - "This kinda reminds me of Rush Hour!".

High five!

The Toronto Raptors: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

There was another Thunderdome brewing in Toronto last night as the 1-6 Bobcats took on the 1-6 Craptors for the rights to a 1-7 record.

Well, the Craptors "won" that right.


Toronto actually kept it close by scoring 36 points on the fast break. Of course, they gave up 21 points off 17 turnovers. The most costly turnover came at the end. With the 'Cats holding a three-point lead and only five seconds to go, Stephen Jackson stripped the ball from Andrea Bargnani. And that was Game Over.

Andrea Bargnani: "I lost the ball. There's no more to describe. He tipped it away."


The Cleveland Cavaliers: There were some feel-good vibes going down in Cleveland. And why not? The so-called Unamazing Cavaliers had defied the early-season odds by opening the year 4-3 and leading the Central Division. The Nyets came into the game riding one of the longest November losing streaks in league history.

So naturally, the Cavs -- playing at home -- lost.

What can I say? It was a close game. Mo Williams got hurt (again) and Devin Harris was really good (31 points, 9 assists). The Cavs gave up 15 offensive boards and 35 free throw attempts.

The New York Knicks: Throw in a classic revenge game for David Lee (28 points, 11-for-17, 10 rebounds, 4 steals, 2 assists) and a mind-boggling 74 points in the paint and you have a pretty standard 122-117 homecourt loss for Mike 'Antoni's Bricks.

That's three losses in a row for New York.

Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "We just can't get comfortable with losing. That's the mentality that we can't have. So we've got to make sure that we understand how important it is to look at film and look at ourselves in the mirror and try to improve individually, and then ultimately we'll get better as a team. Hopefully we all as players will understand that and move on."

Speaking of STAT...

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: In many ways, Sun Tzu or whatever he calls himself had his best game of the season: 33 points, 9-for-15 from the field, 10 rebounds. But he was also the heart of an interior defense that gave up 74 points.

I'm just sayin'.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers were without Andre Iguodala (Achilles tendinitis) and Jason Kapono (personal reasons), yet they still managed to play tough on the road against the Oklahoma City Thunder. In fact, Philly was down only 99-96 with 2:35 to play and seemed poised for a key defensive stop considering the Thunder had to inbound the ball with only one second left on the shot clock.

Well, one second and one Thabo Sefolosha lob pass to Russell Westbrook later, the Sixers' wills were pretty much broken. That's been Philly's season. Mental lapses, communication breakdowns, sloppy play. Hey, who's coaching these guys, anyway?

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 1: "We've just got to be better in those crucial situations, and let's not take anything away. Durant's the leading scorer in the league and Westbrook is unbelievable, so it's not like we got beat by two guys who aren't great, great players. These guys won gold medals this summer."

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 2: "Basketball is a game of mistakes but you have to minimize them under pressure. We had a couple turnovers, loose with the ball, and then those two critical [plays] -- the three-point play and then Scotty Brooks drew up a great play, and we did not communicate."

Lou Williams: Let's see: 6 points on 2-for-11 shooting including 1-for-5 from beyond the arc. Oh, and Philly got outscored by 12 when he was on the floor.

The Memphis Grizzlies: What did Memphis coach Lionel Hollins think about his team's 106-91 home loss to the Mavericks: "Even if you are shooting 20 percent, you can still compete by playing defense, rebounding and make the other team have one less point than you. You can't just quit and not compete."

Aaaaaand...

"It's just one in 82 [games]. You try to win as many as you can. You try not to have a whole lot of these stinkers. That's what this was. A stinker."

For the record, Dallas shot 54 percent, scored 18 fast break points and led by as many as 21 points. Shawn Marion had a "back in my Phoenix days" performance with 20 points on 10-for-15 shooting and Jason Terry hit for 25 on 11-for-16 from the field. Hell, Brian Cardinal even had 5 points.

And, sweet baby Jesus, I know this will end up on the lacktion report but Hasheem Thabeet had a six trillion! I love this game!

Rick Carlisle, quote machine: "This guy is so tough, it is ridiculous."

Carlisle was talking about Dirk Nowitzki. No, really.

Dirk Nowitzki, pain management specialist: "It's usually the initial pain that hurts a little bit."

Initial pain hurts a little. Not always. But usually.

The Los Angeles Clippers: No Eric Gordon (shoulder). No Chris Kaveman (sprained ankle, painful ugliness). No Baron Davis (fat). No Randy Foyes.

Still, The Other L.A. Team kept the game reasonable close despite playing on the road against a good team. They were down only 95-90 with a few minutes to go when the camera panned to Vinny Del Negro calmly drawing up a play during a timeout with seemingly nobody looking on. If that's not Game Over, I don't know what is.

Check out this little snippet from the AP recap:

Injuries have decimated the Clippers, who are off to another horrendous start for the woebegone franchise. They fell to 1-8, so far showing no signs of the playoff potential that first-year coach Vinny Del Negro felt he had.

Vinny Del Negro + the Clippers = No playoffs ever.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 1: "It's not like we're going out there and giving up. It's tough. We've already lost more games than we lost my last year in college, and [Oklahoma] played almost three time the amount of games we've played."

Welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 2: "We got five guys hurt. It's weird; we came out of the locker to warm up and it was like half our team out there. It's like going into a battle with half your guys."

Again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin: 11 points on 18 shot attempts.

And once again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Richard Jefferson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "You look at Manu [Ginobili] and Tony [Parker]; they have the balls in their hand the majority of the game."

The Sacramento Kings: The morbidly depressing Timberwolves -- losers of six straight games -- brought their fail wagon to Sacramento to take on the previously 3-1 Purple Paupers. Minny was 0-5 on the road and playing the second night of back-to-back roadies following a tough loss to the Lakers.

This shoulda been a gimmie, right?

Instead, the Sactowners fell victim to a career night by Michael Beasley: 42 points on 17-for-31 shooting (including 7-for-10 from the line) to go with 9 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Sebastian Telfair -- yes, Bassy's still alive -- added 16 points on 8-for-14 shooting and Darko Milicic even submitted a near double-double (9 points, 8 boards).

Meanwhile, the Paupers shanked 12 free throws and surrendered 25 points off 19 turnovers. But hey, at least they held the T-Wolves to zero fast break points. So they have that going for them, which is nice.

Tyreke Evans: Wow. Rough night for the Freak: A season-low 5 points on 1-for-5 shooting to go with 9 assists and 5 turnovers. He even airballed a free throw attempt in the third quarter. Oh, and he fouled out with 9:02 left in the fourth.

Said Evans: "I just couldn't get into a rhythm; it was hard to play with foul trouble and coming out of the game. They were playing good defense and making me pass the ball."

Whaaaaa...? A point guard passing the ball?! Unheard of!

Darko Milicic: From Basketbawful reader 49er16:

Watching Darko is something everyone needs to do at least once this year. He's the Mona Lisa of bawful. Just truly terrible to watch.

Example: Darko grabbed an offensive rebound against the Paupers and immediately turned the ball over. The ball wasn't stolen or anything. Darko tried to pass the ball, but he threw it to no one. And I mean, there was none of his teammates near the general vicinity where Darko was passing the ball.

Paul Westphal, coach of the year candidate: "Obviously Michael Beasley was someone we didn't have any success at all guarding tonight. We tried pretty much everything we could try, and he had the answer [for them all]."

Bonus bawful: Joakim Noah vs. Kevin Garnett: From ESPNChicago via Wild Yams:

"Kevin Garnett will not -- will not -- get a Christmas gift from me. I don't like him."

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

"I had his poster in my room, I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down."

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don't know why, but that's who he doesn't like. He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

Yeah. It's always a good idea to give the Celtics bulletin board material.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Bucks-Hawks: Jarron Collins avoided pure lacktivity in 10:21 with an assist, but fouled and lost the rock three times each for a 6:0 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Magic: For the bebop cowboys, Francisco Elson treated them to a ledger appearance by countering a board in 5:11 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, fellow improviser Gordon Hayward bricked and fouled once in 4:10 for a +2 suck differential.

Bobcats-Raptors: DeSagana Diop dropped into Voskuhl territory again by negating one block in 3:58 with a foul, earning a 1:0 Madsen-level ratio.

Rockets-Generals: Hilton Armstrong asked room service to unmake his two boards in 9:29, and two fouls with one giveaway certainly undid a mildly productive night with a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Nets-Cavs: Quinton Ross's +3 in 4:50 via two bricks and a foul actually worked out for a celebratory cause, along with Joe Smith's 4.35 trillion and Damion James's 36 second Mario.

Warriors-Knicks: Timofey Mozgov moseyed into the ledger by countering a 100% free throw percentage (on two shots) in 1:59 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Mavs-Grizzlies: For Mark Cuban's collective, Ian Mahinmi had himself a +1 via foul in 3:52, also earning a 1:0 Voskuhl. Speaking of riches, former #2 overall pick Hahseem Thabeet found a gold mine worth 5.85 trillion (5:52)!

Sixers-Thunder: Cole Aldrich came into tonight's game ready to play some defense, and he did do so with two boards in 9:04. He lalso however fouled four times and lost the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl!

Clippers-Spurs: Chris Quinn continues to be the lacktive good luck charm for Gregg Popivch - with San Antonio not only 3-0 in his appearances, but richer tonight with a 1.2 trillion (1:11)!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

"If I sit here quietly without moving, maybe nothing will break for a change..."
The Portland Trail Blazers: Let's take a quick peek at Portland's Defensive Fail checklist:

Point 1: Let opponent shoot 60+ percent at a team.

Check!

Point 2: Surrender a whopping 27 fast break points.

Also check!

Point 3: Give up 48 points in the paint to a team with no inside scoring threats (Carlos Boozer is still out with a busted claw).

Very check!

Point 3: Allow a perennial underachiever (Luol Deng) to set a new career-high in scoring (40 points) while shooting at a blistering rate (14-for-19 from the field, 3-for-5 from downtown, 9-for-11 from the line).

Double super ultra check!

Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "We definitely need to play with more energy. Our first unit gave up 32 points in the first and third quarters. Defensively, I think we're playing soft."

Portland's defense: Roast 'em, toast 'em, or just munch 'em!
By the way, this loss shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. Not to anybody paying attention anyway. Sure, the Frail Blazers entered the game 3-0, but two of those wins were against the Clippers and Knicks, and New York was playing on the second night of back-to-backs after a close loss in Boston the night before. And Portland had to come from behind in all three wins.

I'm just sayin'.

Portland's three-point shooting: This deserves its own entry: The Blazers entered the game ranked first in three-point percentage (45%) and then went 0-for-14 from beyond the arc. Memo to the Portland shooters: You're supposed to aim at the rim, guys. The rim.

Update! "We're not gonna go 82-0" Watch: From Basketbawful reader Andrei: "Good thing the Blazers lost, otherwise they might have gone 82-0 and never gotten any better." The quote:

"I think it's kind of good to get that whole 3-0 thing out of the way," Roy said. "Now we won't be playing to that, instead of playing to get better. We can put that behind us: The season has started now."

Update! Luol Deng, truth machine: Regarding his career night (via Basketbawful reader Heretic): " think it's just a coincidence."

Neil Funk, unintentional dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Mike G: "And Rose with some thrust!" I could actually assemble an entire archive of dirty quotes for all the times Funk and Stacey King thrill to Rose's penetration.

The Toronto Raptors: Even though they were playing in their home opener, the Purple Paupers fell behind 33-16 in the first 12 minutes. During the third quarter, they were still down 16 and Tyreke Evans was in the locker room with a timid vagina tummy ache.

The situation certainly looked grim.

However, the Kings were playing the Craptors. And against the Craptors, no deficit is ever safe. Sure enough, Evans made his Willis Reed-like return and the Sactowners came back for a win that lifted their record to 3-1.

Historical note: It's the first time the Kings have opened the season winning three of their first four games since 2003-04.

Reality check: The Sactowners have been down by double-digits in all three of their wins. And their first four opponents have been the Timberwolves, Nyets, Cavaliers and Craptors. And they lost to the Nyets. Their next game? Against the Lakers.

Sorry to be a wet blanket and all. I'm just sayin'.

Bonus video: Watch the Craptors unveil their patented "Stand and Watch" defensive scheme:


Sacramento's first half defense: During the first two quarters, the Craptors shot 58 percent and scored 62 percent. Have you seen their roster? That shouldn't happen unless the opposing team has been swallowed by the earth.

Tyreke Evans, sick machine: "I drank a lot of fluids and felt a little sick, but I went out there and played." Uh, what kind of fluids were you drinking, Ty?

Speaking of Evans, he's nearly unstoppable when allowed to take extra steps:



Paul Westphal, quote machine: "If I had my choice between the first and second half, I would take the second half."

Oh, what a wonderful world this would be if we could pick and choose our own basketball reality. For instance, if I had my choice between the first 3.5 quarters of the 2010 NBA Finals and the final six minutes, I'd take the first 3.5 quarters. Boom, baby! The Celtics just won the title!

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, yeah, technically speaking the Clippers lost another game and dropped to 0-4 on the season. But they lost their first three games by double digits (10, 18 and 16 points)...and last night they lost by only 9 points. And last season, the Spurs beat the Clippers by an average of 22 points in four games, and never by fewer than 16...

...so this is progress!

Or maybe not. According to the AP recap, the Clips lost 25 of their last 26 games against the Spurs, including the last 17 in a row.

By the way, Blake Griffin is finding out what so many Clippers before him already knew: No matter how well a young star may play for them, the Clippers are going to lose most of their games. That's just the way it is.

Craig Smith: Early in the second quarter, Smith undercut San Antonio's George Hill on a layup attempt, taking him down and injuring his right shoulder. Smith was hit with a flagrant 2 foul and ejected. Mind you, the whole sequence started when Hill intercepted a pass by Smith.

Said Tony Parker: "It was dirty. Just a dirty play. That was dangerous. There's no need to do that." Remember: Parker is French. He knows dirty.

Hill was too hurt to shoot his free throws, which made him ineligible for the rest of the game. And it sounds like Hill has some whiplash.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "It's his [trapezius] muscle. It's not like his shoulder's out of joint or out of place, I don't think. He's just stiff and he can't turn his head or his neck. It could take a while, but it could be a whole lot worse."

Vinny Del Negro, boring quote machine: "I liked Eric Gordon's aggressiveness tonight. He has the ability to be aggressive as a point guard. Eric Bledsoe worked hard and made some steals."

Baron Davis: Missed the game due to a sore left knee. Well, that didn't take long.

Sad trombone.
Worst Player of the Night: The Clippers bench. The Other L.A. Team's pine riders were outscored 32-7 by San Antonio's reserves. In fact, they were outscored 16-7 by Gary Neal. I know this may seem like a cop out, but when six players manage only 7 points on 3-for-13 shooting in a combined 56 minutes of lacktion...they're earning WPotN dishonors.

Lacktion Report: Chris somehow overcame the dizzying joy of watching his Paupers get to 3-1 to deliver our daily dose of lacktion:

Frail Blazers-Bulls: Fabricio Oberto found himself back in lacktion tonight with a 4:1 Voskuhl in 10:20, countering a rebound with three fouls and a giveaway.

Raptors-Kings: Antoine Wright celebrated a close Purple Pauper victory with one brick in 2;46 for a +1 suck differential!

Spurs-Clippers: DeJuan Blair barely made it into the mark of mediocrity as starting big man, turning out 5 rebounds in 19:45 but also fouling four times and losing the rock thricely for a 7:5 Voskuhl.

For the Clippers, DeAndre Jordan was deflated in 14:40 by five fouls and two giveaways eating at two rebounds, leading to a 7:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Craig Smith and his foul/giveaway pair in 1:20 earned a +2.

Halloween Bonus Picture: Because you demanded it -- okay, because Wild Yams demanded it -- here's a picture of the Spartan Warrior costume I put together for Halloween. It's hard (if not impossible) to tell from this picture, but that's real leather armor, a steel helmet with a real horse hair plume, and brass vambraces. And that's Evil Ted as the Larry Bird circa 1986.

Labels: Los Angeles Clippers, Portland Trail Blazers, Worst of the Night

Dwyane Wade's Halloween costume... Yeah...
Sorry to have to cut this one a little short. Schedule didn't go quite as planned today, so I wasn't really able to include anything that wasn't written last night.

Well, except for one thing. Footbawful news of the day: The Vikings have waived Randy Moss. Aside from this being absolutely hilarious in and of itself, here's a fantastic tweet from NotJayCutler about it: "Irony: Randy Moss getting cut before Tom Brady's hair."

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
No caption really necessary here. Everything about this photo is amazing

Mario West may not be currently on an NBA team, but at least we have another Mario

Even when receiving NBA Mascot of the Year award, Bango looks depressed. Come on, Bango. I've been to Wisconsin. It's not that bad.

Vinny Del Negro and the Clippers... Yeah, I can see it being a good fit

See what I mean?

Our first John Kuester facepalm this season -- the Pistons season has officially begun

...Okay then.

The Prokhorov dishing out an awkward high five? Oh hell yes.

Nationally Televised Games:
Trail Blazers at Bulls, 8pm: With three wins to start the season, Portland is off to their best start in a decade. Part of the Blazers' success so far this year the Blazers have rebounded well, with LaMarcus Aldridge averaging 9.7 boards. This is spite of missing big men Joel Przbilla (right knee) and Greg Oden (left knee). Did they combine the two healthy knees from their injured big men and give them to Aldridge to create a Frankensteined super player?

All The Other Games:
Craptors at Kings, 10pm: Anyone else excited to see DeMarcus Cousins' home debut? Meanwhile, I still can't get a feel for how good this Toronto team is this year. (It's somewhere between "godawful" and "surprisingly mediocre.") Perhaps we should consult our new Craptors correspondent The Philosoraptor for his insight?


Um, okay. Thank you for the thoughtful analysis that had nothing whatsoever to do with this game, Philosoraptor.

Spurs at Clippers, 10:30pm There are, however, no doubts that the Clippers are who we thought they were. Well, for now at least. They might be able to get as far as "bad, but not embarrassingly so" thanks to Blake Griffin being, you know, really friggin' good.

Well, on second thought, they're still super Clippery, and now have the NBA's worst shooting percentage at an unfathomably bad 37.7% after three games. (Yes, I totally have the old NBA Jam announcer's voice in my head right now saying "Puts up a brick!") Considering the Spurs have won 24 of the last 25 meetings with the Clippers, I don't hold high hopes for The Other LA Team getting anything going soon.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Dwyane Wade, Los Angeles Clippers, Toronto Raptors