"What's that? You want me to box out and rebound??"

Today has sucked for yours truly. I don't really have much to say right now, but it is my duty as a Basketbawful writer to update you on the Tony Parker divorce proceedings. First, Basketbawful reader Scott noted in WOTN comments: "According to a statement from the show, Longoria tells Lopez that she found "hundreds of text messages" from a woman on Parker’s phone, and that this woman was revealed to be the wife of one of Parker’s teammates." Now I'm hearing Tony Parker allegedly cheated with Brent Barry's wife. Okay then.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Playing for the Sixers makes my brain hurt"

It's entirely too early in the season to be looking that broken and demoralized

Rudy Fernandez is too busy staring at those sweet kicks to bother fighting for the ball

Nationally Televised Games:
Suns at Heat, ESPN, 7pm: Actual line from the STATS LLC preview: "The Heat may have begun lessening the criticism by beating Toronto 109-100 on Saturday." I'm sorry, but beating the Craptors by single digits doesn't prove a damn thing.

Bulls at Spurs, ESPN, 9:30pm: In the WOTN, Bawful noted that Joakim Noah looked "like ass" last night. Unfortunately, he gets to play against the Spurs tonight -- he's only averaged 4.8 boards per game in the six total games he's played against San Antonio. And considering the Spurs have started the season 8-1, that's probably not a good sign for tonight's game. Throw in the second night of a back-to-back on the dreaded Circus Trip, and... ouch.

All The Other Games:
Craptors at 76ers, 7pm: Jeez. This game is like a car wreck -- hard to look away it's so terrible. Speaking of which...

Wizards Generals at Celtics, 7:30pm: Betcha $20 we won't see anything this cool in this game:

(h/t Deadspin)

Lakers at Pistons, 7:30pm: With the news that Ben Wallace wants to be a defense attorney after he retires, the Lakers have changed their gameplan to having their bench players hold up pictures of Judge Judy, random Law & Order characters, and Matlock -- surely this will distract Wallace enough for the Lakers to win the game! Or they could just play them outright and beat the hell out of them because they're the Pissed-Ons, but whatever. Where's the fun in that?

Also, I can't wait to buy the Ben Wallace Inflatable Courtroom Defender.

Mavericks at Hornets, 8pm: On Monday, the Mavs ended the Hornets' quest for 82-0. Could this be a revenge game???

Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: Since Blake Griffin's already lost the will to live after being forced to witness Clippers games first-hand every night, this game won't have anything worth watching. Well, except for Darko. You gotta keep an eye on him just in case he sends a random botched pass or bricked shot in your direction.

Rockets at Thunder, 8pm: Amazing how these two teams are playing this year, isn't it? All offense, no defense, all the time! Durant could go off for 40 tonight.

Nyets at Jazz, 9pm: If the Jazz actually have to come back from their usual halftime deficit in this game, I will be greatly saddened.

Bricks at Kings, 10pm: Sadly, one of these teams has to win this game, meaning that either a 5 game losing streak or a 6 game losing streak will be broken. Thankfully, one of those two losing streaks will be increased, so I guess not all is lost.

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Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger stephanie g said...
I wonder which Celtic's mom Delonte will bone this season. Surely not KG's, because KG is a lunatic. Pierce would sic his gang friends on him. That leaves poor Ray Ray, meek and mild. Plus his mother is such a seductress, what with flaunting herself in the stands every game. Delonte is on the hunt!

Anonymous Czernobog said...
Holy shit, she does make Eva look like a failed genetic experiment by comparison.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"It's entirely too early in the season to be looking that broken and demoralized"

I know you keep insisting that the Bucks are in the post-honeymoon phase, but you do realize their 6 losses include:

Portland, Boston, Hornets (twice) and The Lakers? Not exactly creampuffs.

They are also leading the league in defensive efficiency.

The only loss they have where they definitely should have won was The Timberwolves.

They are integrating lots of new players into an intense defense and flowing offense. This will take time, and it doesn't help that they have lead the league in back-to-back games thus far.

Blogger Will said...
AnacondaHL- that site has convinced me to take up a career in Italian football.
stephanie g- The only problem with that is Ray Ray and his mom are just about identical. But who knows, maybe Delonte gets off on the idea of screwing his teammates (literally speaking).

Anonymous Aaron said...
how the hell did Brent Berry bag a chick like that? Wait...Brent Berry's dad was also a basketball pro, right?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Actually they are second in defensive efficiency, which is still good. On the other hand, they are second to last in offensive efficiency. So there's that.

Blogger Mr. Too Nice Guy said...
There's a good look at the hottest NBA wives / girlfriends on the bleacher report from a while back. Erin Barry is #7 and Longoria comes in at #2. The best part of the article explains how Erin Barry is a model mother and citizen. But that French accent and deep brooding eyes - it's like Unfaithful. Is Brent going to have to snowglobe somebody?

Blogger Dan B. said...
I know you keep insisting that the Bucks are in the post-honeymoon phase, but you do realize their 6 losses include:

Portland, Boston, Hornets (twice) and The Lakers? Not exactly creampuffs.

...which is why I said it's too early to look demoralized and broken down. They aren't that bad of a team. (And they're in the crappy East, which helps.) And saying once before the season started that the Bucks would probably fall off a little this year is hardly the same as "keep insisting." Don't feel too upset -- I don't hate the Bucks or anything. (Though I do hate John Salmon for being autodrafted onto my fantasy team and murdering my team until I waived him)

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Anonymous Czernobog said...
@Stephanie g: It's funny, I actually pictured LeBron's mom seducing Delonte, Graduae style, rather than Delonte being some sort of sexual predator.

Of course, it stands to reason that LeBron's Dad couldn't go for more than 44 minutes in a single night either, even when he was at his prime.

Blogger Passives Abseits said...
may be Erin Berry bagged Brent... to get closer to other Basketball-Player... Just google Wayne Bridges wife, if you want to know how Soccer-Wifes handle situations like that... did I just suggest, that the whole Suprs Roster slept around with that one women? THE TIM DUNCEN TOTALLY BORING SPURS?
oh, and why I'm really here: was I the only one who saw that awful miss by Joel Anthony? Yeah, that ONE miss (it was so bad, he probably wont attempt another one today... or ever)

Anonymous kazam92 said...


Blogger Dan B. said...
Knee-Mac is hurt again??? NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Blogger Jason D said...
There's been more man-love between Kobe and TMac tonight than competitiveness in the game. Must really suck to be a Pistons fan right now.

Blogger Dan B. said...
kazam92 -- That is, indeed, bawful.

Blogger Jason D said...
Whoever is guarding Bosh (can't watch the game, only got the stats) is making him look like Toronto Bosh again; i.e. lot of points, no rebounds. I'm gonna assume that Frye or Warrick was guarding him

Blogger Will said...
kazam92- i like the part where haslem gets the "rebound" between the two suns.

Anonymous Eric said...
Man, I cry for the Suns now.

Blogger Henchman #2 said...
Tomorrow, columnists everywhere will be talking about how this was the night Chris Bosh found his stride with the Heat, by putting up 35 on the Suns. It'll be the NBA equivalent of parents clapping and cheering because their toddler found an Easter egg after they led them to it, pointed at it and said "I wonder if there's anything in that bucket!".

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Passives, Joel did make a short hook in garbage time.

Still screw him. Respect for working this hard but high school big men have a better offensive game than you. Get out of the league

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Jon Barry acknowledged this game meant nothing vs the Suns. I don't think anyone will rave over Bosh's performance. it was a really well rounded game but would still like to see more boards

Anonymous Marc d. said...
After watching the Sixers/Raps game tonight, I'm starting to think no one should be making fun of Doug Collins anymore. Dude's not well.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
Greg Oden out for the season with impending Microfracture surgery unrelated to injury

Just wow. I'm so sorry Portland.

Anonymous Torgo said...
Killer Beas! simply unstoppable when he actually got the ball, and every shot he made came at the absolute best possible time.

Plus two good games straight out of the Manna from Heaven! pinch me, I must be dreaming.

p.s. Koufos really deserves mention for his utter fail on the court. just total garbage.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
The score does not reflect the game. The Suns played like assy ass and should have lost by 50. Fucking awful.

Blogger The Dude Abides said...
ROFL. On ESPN's halftime show, Stuart Scott just said, "Tony Parker...maybe gets to the hole better than anyone..."

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
The Purple Paupers built a 15-point lead and then pissed it away in 5 minutes. In the first half! Bawful-tastic!

And yeesh good God can Amar''''''e not play defence or box out. It's a clinic on what not to do.

Anonymous Sorbo said...
Oden is an anagram for Done.

Well, I'd say it's going to be two years before we hear anything from the Odong again. That sucks. He was dope in college, a freakin' beast when he played. We may joke about it, but the guy could ball when he was healthy. I genuinely feel bad for the guy. Blazers fans, oof! First JailBlazers now Frailblazers. It's like the town is cursed. Good thing they have Aldridge.

Blogger 49er16 said...
The Kings have to be the worse defensive team in the league. They've perfected the 7/11 defense.

Blogger chris said...
The Other Chris:


The Purple Paupers' fail tonight was so predictable, I'm not even sure there's anything I can say that would cover how typical it is.

(Thanks, Dan, for your wish for a longer losing streak has been granted. :p )

Sorbo: That is one of the most amazing one-liners of ALL time. :D

BTW, they were the Frail Blazers way before they were the Jail Blazers (cue up Walton, Bill). When a player DEMANDS to go to the Clippers instead of staying with a championship-level team...all due to (perceived) mishandling of medical condition...that's bad.

Blogger chris said...
Torgo: Kosta Koufos has been a lacktion report regular for what, more than 18 or 19 months now?

BTW, this is one time I wish we had a clip of the Kings' mascot falling down the stairs on rollerblades, just to match up with the Craptors' famous clip. (Sadly, the latter cannot be used tonight as Toronto WON)

Anonymous BenWallaceAttourneyAtLaw said...
If Ben Wallace can be convinced to team up with famous local lawyer Bo Schimers, they would form the penultimate legal defense team. This is a real commercial that actually aired on local channels in Detroit, and is possibly the best commercial ever


Anonymous BenWallaceAttourneyAtLaw said...
And just in case the awesomeness wasn't fully realized, here's Bo Schimer's other famous commercial:


Blogger Bakes said...
Absolutely need a WOTN for Eva Longoria Parker, now Eva Jacqueline Longoria.


When I read the headline, I thought "Aw damn, I was thinking just the other day that it was cool the two of them were still together and now I read this. Oh well, kinda sad."

...then I read further into the article.

"Longoria asked the court to require each side pay its own attorney fees. She also wants to receive spousal support from Parker but not pay any to him."

Sweet jumping Jesus on a bigwheel, she wants spousal support?! She stars in arguably one of the more popular shows on television (which is still going, mind you, it's a continuous paycheck), she does product endorsements, AND she's starred in/going to star in movies. How could she possibly justify asking for SPOUSAL SUPPORT? I mean, if they had kids then she could at least use them as a flimsy excuse, but they don't. Stay classy, Eva.

WV: Dedeli - The game of basketball is proving to be dedeli to Greg Oden

Anonymous Torgo said...

Has he? there were times where it seemed (to me, anyway) like he was decent* in the playoffs last year (I mean, come on! "Boom, bitches!"), but this year he has done nothing but suck it up - and I mean really, noticeably sucked it up. and I think that is impressive on a team with Darko and Pekovic; though, admittedly, the latter is still getting his NBA legs under him.

*as a garbage time center, anyway.

Anonymous SirGirthNasty said...
Oden, out for the season - http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/columns/story?columnist=adande_ja&page=Oden-101118

I'm almost forced to feel terrible for this guy at this point. He looks middle-aged and now his knees ARE middle-aged. Fuck, what is his knee cartilage made of? Jello and the tears of orphans?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Oden may be out for the season (again), but at least he can be happy that he hasn't been compared looks-wise to Calibos from the original Clash of the Titans.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
BTW, I know we always say that the Clippers are who we thought they were, but I have to be honest, even I didn't think they'd be this bad this year. They're dead last in the league with only one win against 11 losses, and tonight's loss to the Timberwolves extended their losing streak to 7. Be honest, did anyone here really think they would be this bad? I figured the Clips would be better than last year, what with Blake Griffin actually gonna play, and Eric Gordon having looked so good in the summer. Maybe I should have been suspicious when I saw they signed Brian Cook over the summer. Before people go labeling the Blazers a cursed team, they should have a look at what a cursed franchise really looks like. The Clippers: they're worse than we thought they were.

Anonymous Stockton said...
Is it too early to point the Oden over Durant pick as one of the top 5 dumbest draft moves EVER????
Blazer's management get all the praises since that Tyrus-Aldridge switch, but let's not forget they passed over Paul/Williams and got a mummy with a big schlong and no knees instead of a guy who can become one the marquee players of the decade!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@ Sorbo:
Hahaha brilliant, let's call him Greg O-Done.
I do feel bad for him though. The Blazers are falling apart, literally.

Omg haha wv is protheo, this is perfect.

Anonymous Reignman said...
Oh, what could have been...that's a contender right there

Seriously, the Frail Blazers need to fire their medical staff immediately and hire/kidnap whoever does the same stuff for the Suns. I mean, Steve Nash and Grant Hill are like 35-40 years old and they're still runnin' an' gunnin'.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yams - Be honest, did anyone here really think they would be this bad?



My first guess gave them 23 wins and 13th in the West. My adjusted prediciton gave them 24 wins and 15th in the West. Given how teams make up wins in the second half, Beasley's rise to keep Minny from the last spot, and Cousins doing just enough to keep the Kings afloat, that's looking on target so far. As I quote myself:

"Another year looking strong on paper, another year of disappointment."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Just so I can help you all understand the feminine psychology.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"...which is why I said it's too early to look demoralized and broken down. They aren't that bad of a team. (And they're in the crappy East, which helps.) And saying once before the season started that the Bucks would probably fall off a little this year is hardly the same as "keep insisting." Don't feel too upset -- I don't hate the Bucks or anything. (Though I do hate John Salmon for being autodrafted onto my fantasy team and murdering my team until I waived him)"

Well...OK, then.



Anonymous Anonymous said...
I think I'm starting to understand how these women think! (/runs out to get barrel of hair gel and spiky bracelet)

Seriously though, Longoria seeking spousal support = lol. Then again, does anyone in texas know whether it is a "no-fault divorce" State or not? Regardless, if my gut is correct, she is like every other woman, who starts out thinking "I just want to move on..", until she goes into her lawyer's office. The attorney tells her how horribly she's been treated, and how much money OTHER women have gotten in similar situations, and then she leaves thinking "That sonofabitch OWES ME everything from now until the rest of his LIFE!! I HATE HIM!!"

I've seen it happen to otherwise sane women.