If it looks like a marshmallow and it plays like a marshmallow...
The Miami Heat: The record: 5-4. Countdown to Failure: 6.

Said Heat coach Erik Spoelstra: "No one's happy about it right now."

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Erik...


Thanks to Basketbawful reader Paul for the image.

This game as a grab bag of bawfully goodness. Ray Allen drilled his first seven three-pointers and finished with a game-high 35 points. Kevin Garnett (16 points, 6-for-8, 13 rebounds) and Paul Pierce (25 points, 10-for-16) pretty much had their way. Rajon Rondo dished out 16 assists.

How is that bawful, you ask? Well, because those guys did that against the vaunted Heat defense. In fact, as a team, the Celtics scored 112 points on 54 percent shooting (including 56 percent from downtown). Boston built a 20-point lead before letting Miami back into the game.

Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade (2-for-12, 0-for-5 on threes) was poking through garbage cans looking for his jump shot and the Heat offense was devolving into Cleveland 2.0 as LeBron dominated the rock (21 shots, 22 free throw attempts, 9 assists) while his teammates were allowed to watch him go.

Chemistry. It ain't there yet.

Here's some more dogpiling from the BAD comments section:

SirGirthNasty:

Does anyone else think that the Miami offense is atrocious. The beginning of the second quarter interview with Doc Rivers started with him being asked, "How do you stop Eddie House."

72-10 my ass.

stephanie g:

At half I expected LeBron to hold another hour long special where he announcers he's taking his talents to Beantown.

Best moment of the game so far: Jesus for 3 smooth as butter, smirk to Reggie, LeBron "retaliates" by airballing it, probably killing a baby or something, cut to a confused Riley and a distraught woman.

eljpeman:

Lebron's 3 pt shot hit the side of the backboard against the C's with time winding down and with a slim (stressing on SLIM) chance to win. I don't know how much more bawful you can get with that.

More stephanie g:

R.I.P. Dwyane Tyrone Wade, Jr.
1982-2010
Cause of death: LeBron James

kazam92:

I'm just appalled. Starting Center. No points No rebounds. Starting PG. No assists

And the offense is atrocious. Its on Spotard (as we dubbed him). Last year, I complained a lot with the iso/pick and roll = whole offense. I thought it would change. Just disgusting.

And Bosh is pillowly soft. I see that now.

Jason D:

Wow, clutch fail by LeBron. Off the side of the backboard? Really? Guess they should've let Eddie House shoot the last shot again.

nightdreamer:

How about Lebron's proof of being clutch?

7 secs left, down by 5 points, inbound pass to Lebron. He spun, then dribbled then shot like he has all the time in the world. And of course he missed.

LeBron James: His near triple-double didn't mask the fact that his clutch play was a series of lolz. With 4:45 left and the Heat down 106-97, LeBron bricked two free throws. With 2:59 left and the Heat down 108-99, King Crab missed a three. With 1:17 left and the Heat down 110-103, he tricked a layup. With 1:04 left and the Heat down 110-103, he bonked a triple attempt off the side of the backboard. With 14 seconds left and the Heat down 110-105, he missed another layup. James completed this festival of fail by misfiring on another long jumper at the buzzer.

"Mwwwaah! My vagina hurts!"
"EXCUSE ME! I SAID MY VAGINA HURTS! LOVE ME! COMFORT ME!"
*sniff* "...my vagina..." *sniff*
Dwyane Wade, quote machine: "We're the best 5-4 team in the league. How about that?"

Chris Bosh, quote machine: "There's no need to be frustrated. We're nine games into the season and we can't play perfect basketball right off the bat. We're up against a lot."

Here's some extra Boshmallowy goodness from Dan B:


Erik Spoelstra, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Several of you pointed this out: "We just gotta keep on grindin' with passion."

Big Baby, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Wojnarowski via Czernobog: "No one can spoil this night. Good for us to come in and spank that ass."

ESPN: From Basketbawful reader Aaron:

From TrueHoop: "The Heat now face the very real prospect of falling to .500 on Saturday, because there doesn't appear to be any reason why the Raptors won't be capable of exposing Miami's defense the way the Celtics did on Thursday and the Utah Jazz did two days earlier."

Is ESPN serious? I mean, I am not big fan of the Heat or anything. But come on, the Craptors?

The Golden State Warriors: What an ass-kicking. The Warriors had pretty much nothing left to give on their second night of back-to-backs. The Bulls -- who came in ranked 20th in Offensive Rating -- scored 120 points on 55 percent shooting. Chicago scored 37 fast break points and 58 overall in the painted rectangle. The Bulls' transition game benefited from Golden State's team epidemic of fumblitis: The Warriors gave up 31 points off 19 turnovers.

Did the Bulls score at will? Allow me to answer that question graphically:


Said Golden State coach Keith Smart: "You know. You can see the juice is just not there. You want to play your starters as long as you can because sometimes, they may fool you. No question the Bulls had the upper hand in terms of the energy department."

The Warriors attempted only seven free throws. From the AP Recap: "Perhaps most indicative of the Warriors' lack of energy was the fact that Chicago committed a franchise-low seven fouls. The Bulls committed an average of 25 fouls during their first six games, more than all but three NBA teams. Golden State took only seven free throws in the game."

To wrap this up, I have to say: The Warriors 6-2 record was something of a mirage. Before the Bulls game, Golden State's first eight opponents -- the Rockets (1-6), Clippers (1-8), Grizzlies (4-5), Jazz (5-3), Raptors (1-7) and Knicks (3-5) -- had a combined record of 15-34.

I'm just sayin'.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakers -- trying to win their first nine games for the first time since the 1997-98 season -- finally had to play a road game against a good team. Guess what?

They lost.

It was a classic Lakers loss. Pau Gasol grabbed 20 rebounds but got pushed around on offense, missing 11 of his 17 shots. Kobe scored a season-high 34 points but went all Mamba, trying (and failing) to shoot the Lakers to a win. The result: 11-for-32 from the field and 3-for-10 from beyond the arc.

Said Kobe: "We took what the defense gave us. When they collapsed, I made shots."

Uh huh.

If it wasn't for the hot shooting of Ron Artest (18 points, 7-for-11) and Shannon Brown (19 points, 7-for-14), the Lakers might have gotten blown out. Instead, L.A. was up 95-85 with 11 minutes left in the game. That's when George Karl went with a small lineup. Behind Ty Lawson, the Nuggets went on a 16-0 run that gave them a 101-95 lead.

Said Gasol: "With a small lineup, they open the floor and they're more of an attack mode. They're very capable of making runs and getting hot, especially at home."

Marshmallowy inside alert: Denver scored 54 points in the paint and shot 23-for-33 (70 percent) at the rim.

Chris's lacktion report:

Celtics-Heat: New Celtic Semeh Erden had a trey in 8:18, but fouled four times and lost the rock once for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

For Miami, Joel Anthony served as starting center - and promptly rewarded Spolestra and Riley with a singular foul in 7:52 for a +1 suck differential and a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Warriors-Bulls: Chicago's James Johnson bricked twice in 3:31 and also fouled once, adding a rejection for a +4.