Basketbawful

Friday, December 09, 2011

I'm starting to understand why LeBron felt
the need to blindside his boss - heretofore known as
The Mayor of Crazytown.

Dear Commissioner,

I've been sitting in my mansion for the past year watching old DVR'd Cleveland Cavalier games, and you know what I learned? I learned that my team was WAY F***ING BETTER with LeBron James on it. So I write you today with an empassioned plea to follow through on your commitment to maintain competitive balance in this league and force Chris Paul stay right where he is. And go ahead, put it to a vote. I'm pretty sure we can summon a majority of teams who don't want to see the Lakers suck the best talent from the rest of the league like a giant yellow and purple black hole.

What? You tell me that I'm forcing the New Orleans Hornets to suffer the same injustice that I did by losing a superstar and getting nothing in return? Pishaw. I want the best player to stay with the small market team. I have confidence that at the end of the shortened season and even shorter playoff run, Chris Paul will see the error in his public statements and in his internal desires and realize he should stay put. And if he doesn't, if he goes to the Knicks or the Lakers for less money with nothing in return, so the hell what? I had to deal with that, and I managed just fine.

But this isn't about me. This is about the integrity of the League. And I submit that the most upstanding thing for the League to do is squash trades that do not fit with our own narrow-minded definition of what is fair and just.

So not to get too personal or anything, but my therapist tells me I have a God complex. I don't really see how I'm like that. I am all about others. I was not even remotely thinking about my own agenda when I sent my first-born son to represent me in my effort to cleanse the world of its sins.

Nope. Wasn't thinking of myself at all. That wasn't a PR move. That was me being a magnanimous, good-hearted, family man. I think God would agree. In fact, I just talked to Him, and He does.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. F*** the Lakers. They're even setting themselves up to go get Dwight Howard after securing Chris Paul, and if you think that's competitive balance, then maybe I've forgotten the definition of it since we "resolved" this lockout situation. Some idiots might say that's all "good, forward-thinking team management," or "a willingness to give up talent to get talent," but those people didn't get massively hammered in the keister by LeBron's gigantic ramrod. No seriously - again, not about me - I bought stock in Vaseline right after the "Decision," and am quite happy I did.

So to sum up:
1.) F*** the Lakers.
2.) I hope LeBron James dies in a house fire. Drowning would also be acceptable.
3.) If I propose a trade - Chris Paul for Andersen Varajao and Baron Davis, I don't expect any flak. Yeah, yeah, Hurricane Katrina and all that - but if you're about to compare a little wind and water with the thoughtless, tragic departure of an all-time great Superstar, then it sounds to me like I'm not the only one being accused of God complexity. (That's because I just accused you of it - I wanted to explain that because it's clever and I didn't want you to miss it).

Sincerely,
Dan Gilbert

P.S.> A few of my friends are affixing their signatures to this document, as they feel the same way I do.