Happy New Year everyone! I hope you like people getting hit in the nuts.

It's now open season on Pookie's huevos

The Bobcats: You got to give it to Dwyane Wade, sensing how little the viewers would care to stick around for the foregone conclusion of the Heat beating the Bobcats, he offered the audience a comedic bit that's slayed for centuries—the kick to the groin. Say what you will about the man, but that's an entertainer. The NBA was not amused and suspended Wade for a game. I guess they didn't get the fine points of Wade's nuanced wit, or perhaps David Stern was unaffected because as Pablo Neruda says, "laughter is the language of the soul", and well, you know...

Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair was at hand in Charlotte, and expressed his disappointment that Wade didn't finish Sessions off with a knife-edge chop. 

The Wizards: The logic displayed by those who coach the league's most dreadful teams must exist in some sort of parallel universe, keeping it safe from the comprehension of earthly minds. How else can you explain Randy Wittman's choice to bench the leading scorer on the league's worst team? Disciplinarians might argue that Jordan Crawford had it coming after being late to Wednesday's shoot around, yet even Wittman himself hints that shooting isn't a top priority for the perennial bottom-dweller.

We've got too many guys that worry just about shooting the basketball and not about the other parts of the game.

So...let me repeat this, just so I can make sure I've gotten it straight: Randy Wittman thinks that his players care too much about shooting the ball, so he benched the guy who shoots the ball most often, because he was late for shooting the ball. That almost makes sense. On the bright side, Crawford still played close to 27 minutes off the bench and did what he does best—shot the ball. In the process he led the team in scoring with 17 points on 15 attempts. Despite a +25 Lenovo score from Nene, the Wizards lost to Cleveland by 3 points. I'm no mathematician, but I think that means that without Nene on the court the Wizards really, really suck.

They don't call them the Magic for nothing.

The Magic: According to the box score Robin Lopez had 29 points and 3 rebounds, but I'm pretty sure it was actually his brother Brook in a curly wig. That sounds more like something he would do.  Meanwhile for the Magic, Gustavo Ayon failed to fill a rather rotund Big Baby shaped hole in the Orlando roster, compiling 4 points and 3 assists. This is the third straight loss for the Magic since Big Baby was injured, which continues to foster an uncomfortable feeling of respect within me for the NBA's answer to Chubbs from Teen Wolf. Orlando is clearly at a loss for how to score without the big lug, as the Hornets kept them they were unable to score a field goal for the game's final 6 minutes. Just imagine how terrible this team would be without Jameer Nelson's 28 points and 10 assists. On 2nd thought, you don't need to imagine, just wait a day or so.

The Grizzlies: Their bench scored a mere 19 points, which is probably a season-high; Rudy Gay missed the game for personal reasons; and Memphis let Dorrell Wright explode for 28 points on 11 attempts, while Spencer Hawes and his facial hair went Hulk Hogan on them with 20 points, 5 blocks, and 3 steals. I'm not a betting man (I'm far too broke to offer anybody a bet they might be interested in), but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that this is just the beginning for Hawes and Wright's statistical dominance.

Evan Turner: Considering they coach in different conferences, Doc Rivers should really try giving Lionel Hollins a call and asking him how to contain Evan Turner. Turner has now totaled 13 points in the 4 games he's played in his career against the Grizzlies, exemplified by Wednesday's single point in 40 minutes and 43 seconds. 

The T-Pups: Back during the Linsanity era, the one knock on Lin was that he turned the ball over a lot. Well, Linsanity made a return on Wednesday, just without all those pesky points and assists, as the Rockets' leader in all-star votes complemented his 7 turnovers with 8 points and 1 assist. However, the Rockets were playing the Timberwolves so it didn't matter, not with James Harden (over 200,000 less all-star votes than his backcourt partner) scoring 30 points, and Kevin Love missing 11 of his 14 shots. Minnesotans showed up in droves to support Kevin McHale, resulting in the third-largest crowd ever at the Target Center (at least I assume that was why, it might've just been for the opportunity to see neither team reach 90 points. People are pretty nostalgic for the 50's.)  

The immortal battle of Youth vs. Tinsley

The Jazz: Utah played Jamaal Tinsley, zero points, 21 minutes and 19 seconds...against the Warriors...who are good...at basketball. Moving on.

The Nyets: A 15 point loss to the Bucks without Deron Williams doesn't seem like the kind of game that would get Avery Johnson fired, but keep in mind the Barclay Center continues to have technical issues, and someone, Deron Williams, recently sent Nets CEO Brett Yormark some photoshopped images of Avery Johnson skulking around the maintenance room with a screwdriver. Yormark clearly took those pictures to heart, tweeting:

Nets fans deserved better today. The entire organization needs to work harder to find the solution. We will get there.

And by, "the solution", Yormark apparently meant P.J. Carlesimo.

The Raptors: After winning 5 straight games, the Toronto Raptors ran smack into the bitter face of reality, also known as the San Antonio Spurs. Not playing Andrea Bargnani can get a team pretty far in this world, but eventually most teams have to grow up and face the fact that they're not in the same arena as the Spurs, figuratively. Unfortunately for the Raptors, they were in the same arena as the Spurs literally, and the result was a 20 point ass-whooping.

The Raptors didn't have a single starter reach double-digits, while the Spurs had three. This resulted in a 55-27 discrepancy between the two teams' starters, or as the AP called it, a 54-25 discrepancy. Seriously AP, it's simple addition, and you got both numbers wrong. If anybody had bothered to check either number, instead of just drunkenly eyeballing the figures, this would've been clear. People are still getting paid for this stuff, right?   

The Suns, fortune's foil: The Suns should've never killed J.R. Smith's family in front of him when he was a small boy. It looked like Phoenix was about to snap their most recent losing streak, when J.R. finally got his revenge, first tying the game, and then hitting a shot at the buzzer to seal it.


See what happens when it's not Christmas, and Kidd's inbounds pass actually lands inbounds? J.R.'s twin jumpers essentially doomed a career night from Jared Dudley to futility. The politically correct forward scored a career-high 36 points, prompting speculation that he's getting good enough to consider playing basketball professionally. 

The Sacramento Kings-well, mostly Keith Smart: It's not often that you can say a coach should thank his lucky stars that he doesn't play somewhere where the ownership gives a fuck, but that's exactly the situation currently facing the ironically named Coach Smart. I don't know what DeMarcus Cousins said to him in the locker room, but it's hard to imagine that it's worth the team losing its leading scorer and rebounder for two games. Although, truth be told, all that it resulted in was a win and a loss to the Blazers.

Still, Smart was basically brought in because he seemed to get along with Cousins, if he can't do that, or consistently win, you've got to wonder what he's basing his feelings of job security on—that is, beyond mismanagement and general apathy. I recognize that some sort of disciplinary action might've been justified, but that's what fines and laps around the gym are for; there's no need to take it out on the handful of fans who are struggling to maintain interest in this franchise—or, more importantly, the tens of thousands of fantasy owners who could've drafted Kenneth Faried instead.

The Lakers: Speaking about the Manimal, people who failed to draft this undying source of offensive rebounds aren't the only ones who've had enough of his sass. This was made clear with 5 minutes left in the third, when Pumaman's hand had a message it just couldn't wait any longer to tell Faried's face. Dwight denied any malicious intent saying, "I like the young fellow"—not the young fella mind you, because apparently the AP thinks that Dwight Howard is British. He also elaborated that Faried was the finest ol' chap he knew, and hopefully they'd get together soon to play some croquet and enjoy some crumpets. I'd show some footage of the flagrant 2 that got Howard ejected, but we've all seen it by now. Plus, I have another clip that exemplifies the game more precisely.


Corey Brewer matched a career-high with 27 points and made 4 of his 6 threes in the final period. Luckily for his face, Howard was in the locker room by then.

Lacktion:

Magic-Hornets: Andrew Nicholson was underutilized by the Magic for a 2 trillion.

Bucks-Nets: Tornike Shengelia picked up the slack with Josh Childress registering a DNP-CD, resulting in somebody on the Nets getting a trillion. Doron Lamb and John Henson did the same for the Bucks.

Warriors-Jazz: Speaking about picking up the lacktion slack, with both Jeremy Tyler and Ken Bazemore putting up useful stats, the eyes of the Golden State Warrior faithful turned to Richard Jefferson who didn't disappoint with a highly disappointing +1 suck differential in 3 minutes and 6 seconds.

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Evan Turner, Jamaal Tinsley, Keith Smart, Linsanity, Randy Wittman, The Bobcats, The Lakers, The Magic, The Nets, The Wizards

So, guys, if you had predicted that South Beach would've held the aging, fragile C's to only 32 points after halftime...and that Game 4 would come down to a final shot in which Dwyane Wade was covered by Marquis Daniels...and got an open look at the arc...


You wouldn't have expected this outcome, would you?

Coming off the heels of Rondo missing one of two free throws (and notice how he never runs across to help Marquis Daniels out!), not long after a Mickael Pietrus rebound sequence which burned about 50 seconds off the clock...against all odds, we have ourselves a new series!


We also have, for the first time, King Crab fouling out in a Miami uniform:




And pure class from Boston's assist machine:

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Boston Celtics, Dwyane Wade, Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron James, Marquis Daniels, Miami Heat, Rajon Rondo

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Dwyane Wade, Indiana Pacers, Miami Heat

That silly Dwyane Wade... Always on the cutting edge of fashion with his crazy accessories!
If you haven't already done so, go read Bawful's stuff over at TrueHoop from today.

Quick complaint: Tomorrow is the annual rivalry grudge match between the University of Louisville and University of Kentucky basketball teams. So of course it's at noon on a weekday when I'll be at work since New Year's Eve is only a kinda sorta holiday. Great planning there, guys.

Here's an interesting NY Times piece on the "Mark Price Shooting Lab." The money quote from the article:

“I can’t think of a single guy who hasn’t improved working with us,” Kreutzer said.

Betterment cannot always be measured statistically. The season after Rondo’s graduation, his 3-point shooting declined 10 percentage points and his free-throw percentage by 2 points. His 2-point number rose by almost 2 percentage points.

This year, Rajon’s field-goal figures are improved. But his free-throw shooting has plunged to 43 percent, suggesting he may need a checkup.

So you can't measure how much better someone's shooting is by their shooting percentage? I think we need to reconsider the defintion of "better" shooting.

The best part about Tyreke the Freak's half-court buzzer beater? Check out Donte Green's reaction. He KNEW that shot was going in. What does this mean? We finally have proof that Donte Green is the real-life version of Biff Tannen. I wonder how much he wants for his copy of Gray's Sports Almanac...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Don't let that beard touch me, man! It's like 180 grit sandpaper!"

"God, this is worse than watching an episode of That 80s Show"

The sadness, it is overwhelming!

Nationally Televised Games:
Knicks at Magic, TNT, 7pm: I don't know about you, but after yesterday's video, I plan on watching Stan Van Gundy's face whenever Hedo shoots a jumper. Guaranteed entertainment!

Spurs at Mavericks, 9:30pm: Dallas is one of the few teams who have cracked the code to beating the Spurs this year. Unfortunately for them, Dirk is still banged up and will not play tonight. As far as MVP talks go, doesn't Dirk need to be pretty high on that list? The Mavericks look just godawful without him most of the time.

All The Other Games:
Jazz at Frail Blazers, 10pm: File this one under "things that make no sense and threaten to destroy my brain (or at least the parts of it I still use)" -- the Utah Jazz are 6-2 on the second night of back-to-backs this season. And you could make that number 7-2 if they win tonight. DOES NOT COMPUTE. This goes against everything we've ever been taught as basketball fans.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Dallas Mavericks, Dwyane Wade, Orlando Magic

Dwyane Wade's Halloween costume... Yeah...
Sorry to have to cut this one a little short. Schedule didn't go quite as planned today, so I wasn't really able to include anything that wasn't written last night.

Well, except for one thing. Footbawful news of the day: The Vikings have waived Randy Moss. Aside from this being absolutely hilarious in and of itself, here's a fantastic tweet from NotJayCutler about it: "Irony: Randy Moss getting cut before Tom Brady's hair."

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:
No caption really necessary here. Everything about this photo is amazing

Mario West may not be currently on an NBA team, but at least we have another Mario

Even when receiving NBA Mascot of the Year award, Bango looks depressed. Come on, Bango. I've been to Wisconsin. It's not that bad.

Vinny Del Negro and the Clippers... Yeah, I can see it being a good fit

See what I mean?

Our first John Kuester facepalm this season -- the Pistons season has officially begun

...Okay then.

The Prokhorov dishing out an awkward high five? Oh hell yes.

Nationally Televised Games:
Trail Blazers at Bulls, 8pm: With three wins to start the season, Portland is off to their best start in a decade. Part of the Blazers' success so far this year the Blazers have rebounded well, with LaMarcus Aldridge averaging 9.7 boards. This is spite of missing big men Joel Przbilla (right knee) and Greg Oden (left knee). Did they combine the two healthy knees from their injured big men and give them to Aldridge to create a Frankensteined super player?

All The Other Games:
Craptors at Kings, 10pm: Anyone else excited to see DeMarcus Cousins' home debut? Meanwhile, I still can't get a feel for how good this Toronto team is this year. (It's somewhere between "godawful" and "surprisingly mediocre.") Perhaps we should consult our new Craptors correspondent The Philosoraptor for his insight?


Um, okay. Thank you for the thoughtful analysis that had nothing whatsoever to do with this game, Philosoraptor.

Spurs at Clippers, 10:30pm There are, however, no doubts that the Clippers are who we thought they were. Well, for now at least. They might be able to get as far as "bad, but not embarrassingly so" thanks to Blake Griffin being, you know, really friggin' good.

Well, on second thought, they're still super Clippery, and now have the NBA's worst shooting percentage at an unfathomably bad 37.7% after three games. (Yes, I totally have the old NBA Jam announcer's voice in my head right now saying "Puts up a brick!") Considering the Spurs have won 24 of the last 25 meetings with the Clippers, I don't hold high hopes for The Other LA Team getting anything going soon.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Dwyane Wade, Los Angeles Clippers, Toronto Raptors

To nobody's surprise, there is yet another story about the Wade/LeBron/Bosh situation on an NBA website. This Tim Povtak article on NBA Fanhouse is another example of some of your generic "this Heat team will be really good" fare. However, what's this?

Editor's Note: Because of a transcription error, an earlier version of this story contained an incorrect quote from Dwyane Wade. The full and accurate version of the quote is contained in this story. We deeply regret the error.

Wait, what? What could be so bad?

Courtesy of tweet by Pete Gaines, here is a screen capture of the original story:


...Okay then. Wow. Way to be sensitive there, D-Wade. I think the national Terror Alert Level just went up from yellow to a-kinda-sorta-orangey-yellow. And I'm sure conspiracy theorists have already decided D-Wade was somehow involved in the September 11th attacks.

So, Fanhouse claimed there was a "transcription error." Not really sure how you can have a transcription error that egregious slip through the editors, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt. So what was the actual quote, NBA Fanhouse?

"Plus, there's going to be times when we lose 2-3 games in a row, and it seems like the world has crashed down. You all are going to make it seem like the World Trade is coming down again, but it's not going to be nothing but a couple basketball games."

Oh, because that's so much better without the parenthetical "(Center)."

Labels: conspiracy theories, Dwyane Wade

BALL.
The Miami Heat: After his team scored only 13 points in the fourth quarter en route to a 102-86 loss to the Crabs in Cleveland, Dwyane Wade said: "This team is just better than us. You have to be realistic. I understand this team has NBA championship aspirations. We don't have that. We're focusing on trying to get to the playoffs and this team is trying to get to the championship. It's totally different."

Translation: We suck.

Okay, maybe that interpretation is a tad harsher than what Pookie actually meant, but it's true.

Meanwhile, King Crab pulled a reverse Magic Johnson. Instead of going from point guard to center, LeBron went from forward to point guard. This was necessary because Mo Williams and Delonte West are both MIA, and Boobie Gibson was scratched from the starting lineup and didn't enter the game until the second half after joining his pregnant fiancee, singer Keyshia Cole, who was hospitalized for precautionary reasons.

Said James: "I knew I was going to have the ball in my hands a lot because I was the starting point guard or point forward, whatever you want to call it. Like Magic [Johnson]. I can go coast to coast and do a lot of things with the ball that point guards in this league can't do. I was aggressive, they fouled me and I continued to be aggressive."

Agressive. Yes. That's one way to put it. LeBron (36 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists) finished with 21 free throw attempts. Meanwhile, D-Wade -- who went 11-for-26 from the field and committed a game-high 6 turnovers -- finished with only two foul shots. Has it really been that long since the 2006 NBA Finals?

Make no mistake: The Crabs were roughing Wade up, but the refs kept choking on their whistles. Home cookin'? What do you think? And Pookie's old teammate, Shaq, dropped Wade twice without a response from the officiating crew. For example:


By the way, in case you've forgotten, this isn't the first time these former teammates have bumped into each other...


Said Wade: "I went into him a couple times and nothing got called. I do what I normally do and that's be aggressive. He stepped up and delivered a couple body blows, but he knows I'm not going to break. So it's fine. He got a little blood, but it wasn't nothing."

Replied Shaq: "I'm not going to move and I ain't going to flop. So I'm just going to stand there. They're either going to call a foul or let us play."

I guess they decided to let 'em play. Unless somebody looked cross-eyed at LeBron, that is.

Dwyane Wade: As if everything I already mentioned wasn't enough, Pookie got straight up posterized in the first quarter by J.J. Hickson. Wade tried to get Hickson back in the third quarter, but J.J. rejected him at the rim.


Fail.

Quentin Richardson: In 28 minutes, Q went 0-for-7 from the field, 0-for-3 from downtown, and finished with a whopping zero points. On the bright side, he didn't have any turnovers.

The San Antonio Spurs: On TrueHoop, John Hollinger spun about how Tony Parker's inability to check back into the game might have been responsible for the Spurs loss to the Frail Blazers in Portland:

All Tony Parker could do was sit and watch. Marooned at the scorer's table while he waited for a whistle to get him back in the game, he saw the clock tick inside 4 minutes ... and 3 ... and 2 ... while a six-point San Antonio turned into a dispiriting 96-93 defeat to Portland.

Parker's whistle never came, courtesy of a 3:32 stretch without a dead ball, and by the time Parker got back in his team was trailing 88-87 and he was ice cold after spending five fourth-quarter minutes on the bench. San Antonio went 3:29 without scoring, encompassing five entry trips, until Manu Ginobili's lay-up with 18.5 seconds left and the outcome largely in hand.

Okay, sure. Maybe the Spurs pull this one out if Parker gets back into the game earlier. Or maybe they don't. But the fact is, the Spurs -- who entered the season as championship contenders -- were facing a team without its best player (Brandon Roy) and its two best centers (King Schlong and the Vanilla Godzilla). All things being equal, shouldn't this have been an easy win for San Antonio?

It would have been if these were the Spurs of old. But they are not. Tim Duncan (15 points, 12 rebounds) was outperformed by LaMarcus Aldridge (28 points, 13 boards). Juwan Howard's mummy (10 points, 5-for-5, 8 rebounds) played better than any of San Antonio's non-Duncan big men. Keith Bogans, Matt Bonner and Michael Finley combined for 28 scoreless minutes. Richard Jefferson finished with 8 points on 3-for-8 shooting.

Speaking of which...is anyone else tired of hearing announcers say that Jefferson "hasn't yet been worked into the mix"? The Spurs are 48 games into the season. What's the holdup? There was a time when San Antonio operated like the Borg, seamlessly assimilating players into their collective. Which is why when they restocked the shelves last summer -- adding Jefferson, Antonio McDyess, DeJuan Blair and Theo Ratliff -- everybody thought the Spurs were going to be okay.

But they aren't. They really aren't. I mean, they're probably good enough to win close to 50 games by beating up on bad teams. But plus-.500 teams have stymied them all season. The Frail Blazers became the second team -- after the Utah Jazz -- to sweep the season series against the Spurs. That never used to happen.

San Antonio has plenty of talent. That's not the problem. And while injuries to Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili have been a popular excuse from San Antonio fans, the fact is the Spurs have lost plenty of games in which their big guns have all been present and accounted for. Including contests in which their opponents have been without one or more of their top guys. Chemistry is a funny thing. Teams either have it or they don't. The Spurs always used to have it. Now? Not so much. And this has been particularly evident down the stretch.

Said Jefferson: "This year we've lost to the Blazers twice without Brandon Roy, lost to Denver without Carmelo. We just haven't played well and hit shots the last six minutes of the game."

I've said it before and I'm saying it again: The Spurs championship era has ended.

The Los Angeles Clippers: So the Clippers...what...fired Mike Dunleavy as their coach while retaining him as their general manager? I mean, I can't blame them in the least. Dumbleavy has been a turrible coach for, well, ever. But...why now? And why keep him around at all? Apparently, for the same reason he relieved of his coaching duties any earlier: To save money. And not some astronomical amount, either. We're talking about $5.5 million. According to USA Today, Clippers owner Donald Sterling was worth $500 million back in 2005. I'm pretty sure he could afford to give the team a completely fresh start, right?

I guess Sterling thinks assistant coach Kim Hughes -- who has been named interim head coach -- can do better than Dumbleavy. Or maybe it's just another cost-saving move. But if that's the case, I ask again, why now? The Clippers could have started over before the season started. You know, maybe give the team a fighting chance. Assuming Sterling even noticed that was necessary.

As J.J. Adande noted on TrueHoop:

[The Clippers] stayed with [Dunleavy] while the team dropped seven of its first 10 games, even though eight of them were played in Staples Center. They stayed with him through a four-game losing streak in January that included a 40-point loss to the Lakers and a blown 13-point lead in the final 15 minutes against the Cavaliers. They even allowed him to finish off this last eight-game road trip after back-to-back losses to New Jersey and Minnesota -- the two worst teams in the league -- in the fourth and fifth games. Maybe Sterling didn’t want to buy another airline ticket for Dunleavy to come home when the charter flights were already paid for.

So the Clippers wound up dropping seven of the eight games and plummeted to seven games below .500. They are seven games behind Portland for the final playoff spot in the Western Conference. Yes, those would be the same Portland Trail Blazers who lost both of their centers for the season, as well as an assortment of injuries that kept out every member of their rotation except Andre Miller and Martell Webster at one stage or another of the season. So that wipes out the injury excuse Dunleavy liked to trot out as often as possible.

Houston started the season without Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, but the Rockets are still ahead of the Clippers. So is New Orleans, which has had Chris Paul in and out of the lineup. Yes, the Clippers have been hit, most notably by the broken kneecap that kept No. 1 overall draft pick Blake Griffin from playing a single game. But they also have been done in by uninspired play, bad substitution patterns and a general malaise that indicated a lack of confidence in the head coach. If they were going to try to make a run at the playoffs they needed a jumpstart, not the setback that was this final trip under Dunleavy's watch.

Dunleavy hasn't been the answer for a long time. The Clippers seemed to be the last to realize that.

In which case they're probably also be the last to realize that Kim Whateverhisnameis isn't the answer either. But I'm sure they'll be preparing for the NBA Draft lottery by then.

In other words: They are who we thought they were.

On a personal level, I'm sad to see Mike leave the sidelines. Pictures of Dunleavy -- facepalming, looking shocked, looking annoyed, or just plain looking like he has no idea what he's doing out there -- have been a staple of this site for years. So I am hearby challening all Basketbawful readers to scour the Interwebs for the best Dumbleavy pictures you can find. Next week, I will post a special pictorial retrospective of Dunleavey's coaching career with The Other L.A. Team.

Michael Wilbon: The same 'tard who brought us "Kobe Bryant should be the new NBA logo and get Jerry West's old nickname" had another beauty last night, as reported by AnacondaHL: "Oh my God, on PTI did Wilbon just suggest Utah and Memphis switch names? Utah Grizzlies, and Memphis Jazz? WORST OF THE NIGHT."

Get Loud: Presenting -- courtesy of AnacondaHL -- the official theme song of the 2009-10 Sacramento Kings:


Bad baby names: From chris: "In a world where Mario West plays CONTRIBUTORY BASKETBALL...SOME KID WAS NAMED 'ESPN.' Not 'Espen' like the former hockey player, but ESPN as in, the network that brings you mediocrely-produced Association coverage, and the insights of Hubie Brown. Seriously."

Lacktion report: After recovering from his baby name shock, chris submitted his daily lacktivity update:

Heat-Crabs: Jamaal Magloire countered two points with a pair of fouls and a giveaway in 5:41 to earn a 3:2 Voskuhl, while Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson clawed his way into a missed field goal for a +1 suck differential in 2:15!

Spurs-Frail Blazers: Matt Bonner rocketed into riches tonight with a 4.7 trillion (4:42), while Michael Finley found himself filed in the lacktion ledger with a surprising +5 in 6:06 after taking two fouls, losing the rock to Rudy Fernandez on a bad pass, and bricking twice from Pioneer Place (including a potential game-tying shot at the end!!!!).

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Mike Dunleavy Sr., Portland Trail Blazers, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

Labels: Dwyane Wade, Lakers, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trailblazers, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors

"Hmmmmm.....You Got Served it is!!!"
Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Vanessa Bryant: According to the news: "Family housekeeper Maria Jimenez claims Bryant's wife, Vanessa, routinely harangued her -- calling her "lazy, slow, dumb, a f**king liar and f**king sh*t" -- and ordered her to stick her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a price tag for a blouse that had been thrown away with the pet poop. In a suit filed in California's Orange County Superior Court, Jimenez said the abusive Lakers wife made the disgusting demand after the maid put an expensive blouse in the washing machine. Vanessa -- who insisted Jimenez reimburse her for the frock wanted to show her how much it cost, the papers allege. When Jimenez tried to quit, Vanessa Bryant told her she 'had to work until payday to pay for the $690 blouse, which she did.'" Wow. All I have to say is that if Vanessa had just let Kobe make Luke Walton or Adam Morrison stick THEIR hands in the poop like Mamba suggested, none of this ever would have happened.

(Actually, that's not true. According to the lawsuit, Vanessa has accused Jimenez of stealing her dental retainer, and "badgered, harassed and humiliated" the housekeeper by "yelling and screaming" at her in front of Bryant, the couple's kids, and other people in the house. So I guess making her handle doggy doo was just the last straw.)

Agent Zero's retirement: Don't freak out. He's going to play basketball again...some day. What he's retiring from is blogging. You know, that thing he hasn't done since November. His reasoning: "It's just like the double-(edged) sword thing: Eventually your words is going to kill you. ... I started looking at it as, before, it was fun, and everybody has fun reading it. And then it's like everything I said, everybody started using it as firepower, instead of saying it's just entertainment. You know, people started using it, trying to take bits and pieces instead of enjoying the blog. So once I started seeing that, I just started visualizing, eventually, this is going to be the double-(edged) sword thing. It made me and it's going to kill me, so I might as well stop."

I can't quite decide what's worst here: The fact that Gil is so insecure and thin-skinned that the ham-fisted judgments that inevitably levied against high-profile public figures have caused him to give up something he so clearly loved, or that this whole knee injury cycle has seemingly sucked the fun out of the clown prince of the NBA. I mean, do we really want a quiet, introspective period out of Agent Zero?

The Miami Heat: Last night's 2-point road loss to the Pacers served to illustrate just how vulnerable this Heat team is. Basically, the can't win minus a superhuman performance from Dwyane Wade, even against conference "rival" that's 12 games below .500, missing a key player (Troy Murphy) and just killing time until the offseason. Remember the old "Incredible Hulk" TV show? Yeah, David Banner only turned into the Hulk like twice an episode. This season for Wade has been the NBA-equivalent of a 12 or 13-transformation episode. I'm not sure how radiation-induced transformations work, but Pookie probably has no choice but to let out his inner David Banner every once in a while. Speaking of which...

Dwyane Wade's shooting: He still made his usual all-around contributions (4 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals), but his misguided shooting would have made Larry Hughes wince: 5-for-24, 1-for-6 from behind the arc. Maybe he had something in his eye. Like a Buick.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain gave his former team a little taste of what they gave up: 6-for-14 shooting and only 2 rebounds in 31 minutes. Oh, and three of his shots got blocked. It's like he never left.

Jamario Moon: The Other Guy from the Toronto trade sure has cooled off lately. Last night he went 2-for-7 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Minus that 17-point game at Detroit on the 22nd, he's gone for 5, 9, 0, 6, 3 and 3 points in his last seven games.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Last night's loss to the Craptors, in which Andrea Bargnani scored a game-high 23 points on them, was another nail in the coffin of their playoff hopes. And unless they pull some serious Bela Lugosi sh*t, the following comments by Richard Jefferson might serve as the eulogy: "Right now, when we need to be playing our best basketball, our most competitive, we're not. We're playing subpar basketball at a time when teams are picking it up. Even some of the teams that might not be in the hunt are picking up their intensity and we haven't done that the last couple of weeks." The 10th place Bucks are now a full three games behind eighth place Chicago. Cue the Undertaker music.

The New Jersey Nets: They are now 19-33 since the injured Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." New Jersey is currently ranked 11th in the East, 3.5 games behind the eighth place Bulls.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader Brendan P: "Well it looks like the 2009-10 season (or the 2009 draft) started early for the Timberwolves today against Philly, starting Bobby Brown, Rodney Carney and Craig Smith. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a T-Wolves fan and these guys could be the future of the team (by the way Carney shot 7-for-8 from downtown so woo!) and they do need game experience, but to start them? Why not give them some burn off the bench? Then again, with Mike Miller's an epic failure at point guard, Sebastian Telfair's macaroni and paste ankles and Jefferson out for the season I guess I can forgive them. Bring on the season home opener??"

The Atlanta Hawks: So much for their homecourt dominance. The Spurs were missing Tim Duncan (resting his aching knees) and the newly-returned Manu Ginobili went 1-for-7 and missed all three of his triples. Didn't matter. San Antonio shot almost 55 percent as a team and Tony Parker (42 points, 18-for-25, 10 assists) destroyed any and all who daried to guard him. Said Maurice Evans: "It's disappointing because we are right there and we have lost to two elite teams in Cleveland and San Antonio. That's the true test, how you stack up against the best in the league." Indeed it is.

Update! Josh Smith: From Edgar: "I'd like to offer up a WotN nomination for Josh Smith. I was at the Hawks v. Spurs game last night and the stats don't fully explain how terrible Smoove played. It started in the first when he injured Joe Johnson's ankle (of course Woody still played Joe for 44 minutes). Later in the half, Smoove pivoted into Al Horford, resulting in one of his game-high four turnovers. After that nugget of brilliance, Smoove charged down court, hacked Tony Parker and then walked away from Mike Woodon's earful. Tony Parker tore it up last night, but it helped that Smoove failed consistently to pick up the switch in time to deny Parker from getting to the basket (though Smoove did come up with a team-high three goal-tending violations). Smoove also missed five of 11 free throws (the Spurs missed 1 as a team) and went 3-12 from the floor for 12 points. To drive the point home, with Duncan out for the Spurs, the Hawks used a small lineup at times featuring Horford, Zaza Pachulia, Flip Murray, Joe and Mike Bibby/Mario West. Zaza was only really on the court when Smoove sat on the pine. Zaza's +/- was +7. Smoove's was -14. It's a bad sign when your team plays better when Zaza Pachulia is siphoning off minutes from your $60 million power forward."

Mike Woodson, knowing who's who machine: Regarding the play of Joe Johnson, who scored a team-high 30 points: "Joe was Joe."

The New York Knicks: Remember how the Sacramento Kings pummeled them at Madison Square Garden last week? That probably would have qualified as the nadir of their season until last night's home flop against the Clippers...particularly since New York had built a 19-point lead about six minutes into the game. I'll give the Knicks this much though: They were more competitive. Offensively, anyway. But The Other L.A. team put up 140 points. And yes, I realize the game went to overtime, but still...when your defense makes the freaking Clippers look like the Suns on a good night, then something has gone very, very wrong.

By the way, the utter defenselessness of this game probably would have killed Bill Russell if he'd watched it. The Knicks shot 55 percent and the Clippers -- THE CLIPPERS!! -- shot nearly 58 percent. Defense is a choice, people. Just like murder and parachute pants. Which now that I think of it are probably bad analogies. Anyway, coach Mike 'Antoni said: "We didn't guard anybody, that's pretty obvious. Somehow, somewhere the game's got to be a little more important than just going out there and playing. We're just not there." I'm not even gonna touch that one...

Update! Al Harrington: Look, folks, sometimes I make mistakes. Today, I made a doozy, accidentally omitting Al from WotN. Fortunately, luman corrected this unforgivable gaffe: "Whoa, how could you have not mentioned ANYTHING about the bawfulness that was Al Harrington's dunk with 30 secs to go? He made a great move, got open, went up, and slammed it home with both hands for safety. 3 point lead, game in hand right? Nah. The Genius-That-Is-Al Harrington (can we make this his nick?) then proceeded to do a pull up on the rim and *possibly* slap the backboard. He argued the T vehemently, but just looking like you did something T-worthy is enough these days (Former teammate S-Jax knows this from his inexplicable T last night). Apparently he committed the same atrocity against the clips in LA a month ago, and both times the clips came back to win. Has anyone made Mike D'Antoni go to Defcon 5 more than Al?"

Basketbawful reader Karc was similarly nonplussed: "Al Harrington is a moron, a flat out moron. In the last game against the Clippers, he dunks the ball for a three-point lead with less than 30 seconds left, then gets a technical foul for hanging on the rim and slapping the backboard like the game is over. Of course, the Clippers win the game in OT. So what does Harrington do? He makes a dunk last night with less than 30 seconds left to give the Knicks another three point lead, then kicks his legs over the top of a Clipper while hanging on the rim to showoff, and is hit with ANOTHER technical foul. And again, the Clippers win in OT. It's just too funny, that a professional basketball player gets the same technical foul in the same scenario against the same team twice. And this one wasn't like a frustration thing where he got hit in the face. He was trying to show off and do a pullup on the damn rim, and just happened to go over a Clipper. If he had done that in the open court, he still would have been T'ed up. What an idiot."

And, finally, DDC provided "photographic evidence of Al's bawfulry":


Zach Randolph, delusions of grandeur machine: Regarding his escape from New York: "I don’t know why they traded me. I didn't understand it, but it's a business, you know. I feel like I'm one of the best power forwards, underrated power forwards in the league, too." Oh, I can think of a few reasons why they traded you, Zach. In related news, Randolph currently has 14 blocks on the season. To put this into perspective for you, Sebastian Telfair and Steve Nash both have 10, Sasha Pavlovic has 16, Kirk Hinrich has 17, Jason Terry has 18, and Ben Gordon has 21. See where I'm going with this?

Basketbawful Yiping wrote in to add his two cents: "Someone's really got to show Mr Zach 'I'm one of the best power forwards' Randolph those video clips that you have posted of him launching those threes. Apparently he is now as good as Duncan, Nowitzki and Garnett." Yeah, but hey, you've gotta give him points for believing in himself. I mean, did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply Whitney Houston had 4 number one singles on it? Did you know that, Yiping? It's hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but "The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really. And it's beautifully stated on the album. [/Patrick Bateman]

Update! Basketbawful reader Victor commented: "Oh it gets better. Zach Randolph says he's better than Chris Bosh. From this article."

Randolph laughed when I asked him if he felt the Knicks made a mistake in trading him away.

"Yeah," he said with a big smile beaming. "It was definitely a mistake."

But the decision was an obvious one. The Knicks wanted to dump Randolph's contract off the 2010-11 payroll (and also moved Jamal Crawford that day) to make room for a big play in free agency in 2010. The LeBronathon has lost some steam since then, but Randolph says he thinks it could happen.

"It's gonna be interesting," he said.

If they wind up with LeBron, Zach says he can understand moving him. But Chris Bosh?

"I'm better than Chris Bosh," he said.

Told that line will make headlines, Zach gave a dismissive wave and said, "I'd tell him to his face."

Them's some mighty big words there, Z-Bo. And they might contain a small kernal of truth if NBA players weren't also expected to play defense during the course of a game.

The Los Angeles Clippers: I received a link to this frightening news from Basketbawful reader Mark L. in an email titled "oh dear god." From ESPN: "Isiah Thomas is actively seeking work again, and he spoke several weeks ago with Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling in a meeting arranged by current coach/general manager Mike Dunleavy, ESPN.com learned Wednesday. Several NBA sources confirmed the February meeting between the former president and general manager of the New York Knicks, adding that there were follow-up discussions between Thomas and other high-ranking club officials -- but also stressing that no job has been offered.
Discussions between former Knicks GM Isiah Thomas and the Los Angeles Clippers were described by one source as informal yet substantive. Sterling is said to be considering adding another executive to the Los Angeles front office to alleviate some of Dunleavy's responsibilities in his dual role as coach and general manager. Former Lakers and Grizzlies general manager Jerry West was linked to a possible Clippers front office job before he publicly disavowed any interest."

A marriage of Zeke and the Clippers? Urivaled terror. As Basketbawful reader jhaig said: "That's gotta be up there with that time the Ghostbusters had to cross the streams in terms of threats to the very fabric of our Universe."

Doc Rivers: He essentially conceded the game -- and second place in the Eastern Conference -- to the Magic by limiting Kevin Garnett to 16 minutes and 31 seconds. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce's minutes continue to climb. He's logged 40+ minutes in six out of 13 games this month, and he's played 37+ four other times. So it's great that KG will be all springtime fresh for the playoffs, but poor Paul is going to be a withered husk.

And seriously, you're telling me that Garnett couldn't have played an extra five minutes down the stretch? I get that Doc wants KG healthy for the playoffs. I do, and to a certain extent, I support trying to keep his minutes down. But this is a little farcical. If Kevin's not ready to play 20 minutes in a really important game, then maybe he shouldn't be playing at all.

Stan Van Grumpy, grump machine: He's gone after Shaq for flopping. He crucified the Knicks for not throwing Patrick Chewing a coaching bone. Now he's going after the press for discussing Boston's injury problems: "I want to know how some teams get on the list, where they get excuses and other teams are not on that list. All I've been hearing about is all the injury problems the Celtics have had this year." Seems Van Grumpy is a tad bitter about how nobody is giving him and his team props for trudging on sans Jameer Nelson. And it's a fair point. But it would have sounded better if Stan wasn't such a front runner. I hate those guys.

Update! Bobcats-Wizards: Man, I blew another one. But Andrei had my back:

I know that this is a mega post already, but I just wanted to point out the sequence that occurred at the end of the Bobcats-Wizards game.

With 1:23 left in the game the Wiz were up 4 and looking to wrap up the game. The Wizards secure an offensive rebound and promptly turn the ball over and foul Raymond Felton. With the possibility of closing the gap to 2 points, Raymond bricks both free throws and the Wiz call time out.

The Wizards then can't carry out a simple inbound play and turn the ball over. The Bobcats are feeling generous and give the ball right back. What is the next play you ask? Mike James manages to catch the inbound pass and dribbles into a double team resulting in a turnover.

The Bobcats call a time out and once play resumes get a miss match of Nick Young (a guard) guarding Boris Diaw (a forward), the end result as you can guess is that Young stuffs Diaw's jump hook, retrieves the ball and gets fouled. Young hits both free throws and the Wiz are up 6.

The Wiz are now in control and just need to not foul and hit free throws to secure their 17th win. What do they do? They foul DJ Augustin and he hits both free throws, 4 point game. Washington calls time out and advances the ball to half court.

After discussing strategy (one would hope) in the huddle, the Wizards turn the ball over on the inbound play (that's the 3rd time in less than 2 minutes). The Bobcats score and it's 2 point game. The Wizards promptly turn the ball over again.

The Bobcats do not want the Wiz's charity and Gerald Wallace misses a lay-up. The Wizards can finally put the game out of reach by making 2 free throws with 13 seconds left. The veteran Antawn Jamison steps to the line and calmly bricks one of the two to keep Charlotte in the game down by just 3.

Coming out the timeout Gerald Wallace drives to the hoop, if he doesn't get fouled and scores it's a one point game with 6 seconds left and the Wizards almost assured of a win. Wallace gets hit by Dominic McGuire in mid air and makes the hoop, giving himself the chance to tie the game with the coming free throw. At this point I knew that there was no way in hell he was going to hit that shot and something spectacularly awful was going to happen.

Wallace takes his time and sets up at the free throw line...he doinks it hard off the back of the rim. The Wizards can't secure the rebound and the ball gets volleyballed around until Emeka Okeafor gets the ball and misses a tough layup. Of course no one bothered to block out Diaw and he comes flying untouched to retrieve the ball in mid air. Instead of hitting the game winning put back from point blank range, the frenchman airballs his layup attempt. The Wiz get the ball with .3 seconds left and Jamison misses the second free throw on purpose and the game is over.

That was the worst 1:23 of basketball I have ever seen, it took me hours to clean up the vomit from my couch after watching this gut churning Bawfulness.

I'd also like to give a little extra wag of the finger to the 'Cats, who supposedly are fighting for that last playoff spot. You don't make the postseason by losing to the worst team in your conference during the stretch run.

The New Orleans Hornets: Last night's 101-88 home loss to the Nuggets was, to me, symptomatic of a larger problem: The Hornets just aren't playing that well. And don't give me that "But they just had a three-game winning streak" crap. They beat the Timberwolves, Grizzlies and Warriors. That's like three extra practices, nothing more. And yes, I know Tyson Chandler is out -- I guess he wasn't as healthy as we thought -- but the team has so little depth that I'm starting to get that smoke-and-mirrors feeling. Chris Paul is amazing, yes, and David West is a stud, no doubt. Chandler is pretty good when he's able to lace 'em up. Past that? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, right, Peja Stojakovic used to be on this team, too. But he's been out 11 straight games...and it feels more like 20+. I don't think it's their year.

The Golden State Warriors: Let's see...they gave up 128 points on nearly 60 percent shooting in a loss to the Mavericks in Dallas. Yep. The Warriors have officially acheived "They Are Who We Thought They Were" status. Said Stephen Jackson: "It was one of those tough nights. We didn't get calls, things were going their way, our defense was terrible. They stayed on it the whole game and we were never able to get back." He probably could have just said "our defense was terrible" and left it at that.

The Utah Jazz: From Basketbawful reader DKH: "I'm filing a worst-of nomination for the Utah Jazz: for their clutch ability to give up fast break points to the Suns. On three consecutive possessions, the Suns got easy plays at the basket off fast breaks (J-Rich boned a dunk, though). That wouldn't be so bad, except that Shaq beat the entire Jazz team down the court for a fast break dunk. This came at the end of the game, when the Suns were making me incredibly tense every time they went into a half court set. They almost never got it into Shaq. Instead it'd be some isolation for a wing player. Amazingly, the wing player (Hill against Korver and Barnes against Brewer) would make the basket, but it wasn't pretty."

In all fairness to the Jazz, they looked a little gassed at the end of the game, probably because of the previous night's win over the Rockets, which I guess makes that victory a little Pyrrhic. Note that they also went 16-for-27 at the line. Said Jerry Sloan: "And when you shoot free throws like that in a game like this, that's the ball game. It makes it very difficult. Plus, we gave up too many points in the paint. They scored 68 points in the paint, and I don’t know when any team has scored so many points in the paint against us."

Lacktion report: No WotN post is complete without Chris's lactivity update:

Heat-Pacers: Daequan Cook fried up a brick for a +1 suck differential in 6:10 of playing time for the Heat.

Meanwhile, Indianapolis native Josh McRoberts gave the home fans a statline to sleep on -- one brick, block against, and foul each for a +3 in 4:15.

Bobcats-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov stopped saying "nyet" to lacktivity with a solid return to form in 6:02, bricking once from downtown and fouling twice for a +3.

Meanwhile, DeSagana Diop provided Charlotte a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl (two each of giveaways and fouls against three boards) in 14:31.

Bucks-Raptors: While Patrick O'Bryant stayed in his warm-ups, the youngest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity put on a sideshow for the Paleolithic. Nathan Jawai waved a Power Glove at the crowd with his 34-second Mario!

Nets-Cavs: Tarence Kinsey had faded from his fine non-contributory play in recent games, but is back on track with a tax return processed in Quicken that was worth 1.7 trillion!

Wolves-Sixers: Bobby Brown was randomly placed as a starter by Kevin McHale, but unlike most bench jockeys forced into the anti-lacktive position of starting, he reached all the right notes in continuing to lack it up in his 9:19 stint. One turnover and two bricks provided the melody for a +3.

Spurs-Hawks: Gregg Popovich took the opportunity presented by a late-game thwacking of the Hawks to bring out two renowned human victory cigars. Fabricio Oberto did get credit for a board, but three fouls in 6:41 paved the way for a 3:1 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, former trillionaire champion Bruce Bowen's renaissance as a lacktator continues with a one-giveaway +1 in 4:09.

Clippers-Knicks: You know it's a strange night at the Garden when 275 points are scored, and the Clippers' starting center Marcus Camby didn't even factor into any of them - but got just enough rebounds to negate a potential Voskuhl! Stranger still, Mike Dunleavy got the chance to have Steve Novak play as the human victory cigar, bricking from behind the arc for a +1 in 7:01 -- meaning that he was the only other player to not contribute a single point.

Celtics-Magic: Bill Walker probably wishes he had been called up earlier in the season, as he is making a case to be one of the emerging star lacktators this year -- fouling twice for a +2 in 3:12 tonight. Meanwhile, Shaq's least favorite coach in the history of the universe got to relish a win over the defending NBA champions with human victory cigar JJ Redick, who earned 1.5 trillion.

Nuggets-Hornets: Jason Hart checked into Hotel Mario for a 36-second stay!

Warriors-Mavs: Matt Carroll sang a tune of two bricks (once from downtown) for a +2 in 4:02.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Vanessa Bryant, Worst of the Night

Dwyane Wade: I waxed poetic about Wade's amazing game at By The Horns, but now I'm gonna vent. What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?! The Bulls played one of their best games of the season, but Wade went all God Mode on them, scoring 48 points on 15-for-21 from the field [!!] and 5-for-6 from downtown [!!!]. And let's talk about those threes. One was a 32-footer to beat the halftime buzzer. One tied the game with 11.5 seconds left in regulation to force overtime. And his final triple -- which came off a steal that robbed the Bulls of their final possession and a chance to win it at the end of the second overtime -- was a crazy running lightning bolt of a buzzer beat that won the game. This wasn't just crazy, it was crazy-insane. Seriously. Just watch this:


That is not fair. I can think of only a handful of ways Wade’s game could have been more epic: If it had come against the Cavaliers, Celtics or Lakers; if it had happened in the playoffs (preferably a seventh game); if he had simultaneously saved all the children and a puppy from a burning orphanage; or if it had caused the fall of the Dark Lord Sauron’s tower of Barad-dûr. I'm not sure what else the Bulls could have done. It's awfully hard to gameplan against fate.

Bonus footage: Let's hear what Wade had to say about his deus ex machina game:


Ben Gordon: It's hard to fault a guy who almost outdueled Dwyane Wade in one of Wade's most epic performances to date. BG finished with 43 points (14-for-23) on the strength of 8 (out of 11) three-pointers. But he had a pretty big goat moment. The Bulls were up 103-101 at the end of regulation when Miami was forced to foul Gordon with 20.7 seconds left. BG bonked the first foul shot and then hit the second, giving Chicago a 104-101 lead that was in no way safe. As amazing as Wade is, even he can't hit a four-pointer, since such a shot doesn't exist. But a clutch three? No problem. All I could think of afterward was "What if Ben had just hit that damn free throw?!"

Tyrus Thomas: Remember this guy? Yeah, neither does Vinny Del Negro. He used to play for the Bulls, but not anymore, apparently. Brad Miller got 46 minutes of daylight. Tyrus "I thought he was the future" Thomas, on the other hand, played only 22 minutes, contributing 4 points (2-for-5), 5 rebounds, 4 turnovers and 4 fouls. Miller's arrival is causing Tyrus to fade, like a foul vapor. Of course, Tyrus didn't help his cause by getting into foul trouble and then picking up a technical with 2:28 left in the third quarter. The reason? He threw his gum at an official after picking up his fourth foul. Not a good idea, Tyrus.

Funny-looking celebrations: Sky Flakes sent in the following pic. Wonder Twin Powers...ACTIVATE! Shape of: A dork! Form of: A spaz!


Tyson Chandler: This guy has been en fuego since the deal that was going to send sentence him to Oklahoma City fell through. But someone must have hit him with a fire extinguisher last night -- not the flame-smothering foamy stuff, but the actual metal tube -- because he finished with 2 points (1-for-6) and 5 boards. Or, to put it another way, the same number of rebounds as Mike Bibby. That's worse than good. Of course, a lot of the blame for New Orleans' 89-79 loss goes to...

The Hornets' bench: The reserve corps scored 7 points, and 5 of those points came from James Posey. None of New Orleans' pine riders other than Posey grabbed a rebound. They had as many fouls as assists (4). To put it bluntly, they suck. Said Byron Scott: "It's putting too much pressure on our starters. I can't sit there and continue to watch this." And you're going to do what, exactly, Byron? You can pretend they're All-Stars or dress them as women, but Hilton Armstrong and Sean Marks are still Hilton Armstrong and Sean Marks. Good luck squeezing blood from THAT turnip.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Their home battle against the Washington Wizards Generals was a matchup of two teams that had lost a combined 14 straight games. That, my friends, is what we call scalpers night off. And even though it would have been fitting for both teams to lose, that doesn't happen in today's NBA. So it was Minny -- the home team -- who lost to the Wicked Worst of the East and lost their 10th consecutive game. They are now 8-24 at the Target Center.

To make matters even worse for the already Al Jefferson-less 'Wolves, Randy Foye sprained his ankle during the fourth quarter and had to be carried to the locker room. How'd that happen? Well, Foye went up to grab a lob pass from Mike Miller, but came down funny and collapsed in a heap. Yet another problem caused by Miller's newfound reluctance to shoot the damn ball.

The Denver Nuggets: Okay, what happened? These guys were good, right? I mean, they spent most of the season as the second-best team (record-wise) in the West. Now they can't win, not on the road, not at home. A night after losing to the Wicked Worst of the West -- otherwise known as the Sacramento Kings -- the Nuggets dropped a home game to the Houston Rockets. Mr. Big Shot was 9-for-21, 'Melo was 8-for-21 with 4 turnovers, Nene scored 10 points on 15 shots, the Birdman played 22 minutes...need I go on? It was Denver's eighth loss in their last 11 games. And that second seed they had? Yeah, now they're slipped to SEVENTH. Yikes. Said George Karl: "The clouds will go away, the sun will come up again. I don't think there's anyone in that locker room that's afraid of the challenge that we have. It's just the funk of not playing very well for seven, eight games. I'm not going to make excuses, but there seems to be at times to be a mental fatigue to our team." What, they're THINKING too hard? Are you making them do math at practice? C'mon, George. Seriously?

The Rockets free throw shooting: Their 2-point was way closer than it needed to be, mostly 'cause the Rockets missed 15 of their 35 free throw attempts. Said Ron Artest: "That is very strange. But that was our fault. We were up so big. That's our next step right there, being able to keep a team down. We make those free throws we win by 10, nine points." They must have had shaqnopsis. Hey, speaking of Ron-Ron...

Ron Artest, alien doppelganger: On Houston's win, in which he accounted for only 22 of the team's 97 points: "We're going to win together or lose together. I'm not winning this thing by myself. Yao's not going to win by himself. You're either going to win with your team or lose with your team. It took a lot of years to understand that. But that's how it's going to be." Who is this guy and what did he do with Ron Artest?!

The Los Angeles Lakers: Like Keanu Reeves would say: "Whoa." I guess when Brandon Roy said the Blazers were looking past the Timberwolves on Saturday night, he wasn't kidding. L.A. took such a pounding that they had to outscore Portland 38-27 in the fourth quarter just to lose by "only" 15 points. The Lakers haven't won at the Rose Garden in their last seven tries; their last win there was on February 23, 2005...when Chucky Atkins was starting for them. It was L.A.'s third straight road fail. Oh yeah, and the Lakers' 38 points in the first half? A season low.

Lamar Odom: Jacob C. wrote in to say: "I don't even know what to make of this quote, really. It's pretty ridiculous...this Blazers fan is not pleased. 'We have to respect our opponent and play them like they're Boston or Cleveland,' Lakers forward Lamar Odom said. 'They play us like we're a tough team, or one of the best teams in the league, so why not play against every team like that? It would be smart for us to do.'" In all fairness, Jacob, Lamar is insane. And then there's that whole pot-smoking thing...

(Sidenote: Lamar finished with 2 points, zero rebounds and 3 assists. Sounds like he needs to take his own advice. Update! I goofed on Odom's stat line, as Justin pointed out: "Hi, when you quoted Lamar's stat line, that was actually your buddy Luke Walton's stat line. Odom had 7 points, 8 rebounds, 1 assist, and 1 block. Definitely the quality of his post-Bynum injury performances, but not QUITE as bad as quoted.")

The continuing wussification of the league: Okay, so late in the third quarter, Rudy Fernandez was fast-breaking tot he hoop when he got thwacked by Trevor Ariza. Fernandez took a pretty nasty spill and "remained prone on the court" for more than 10 minutes before being taken out on a stretcher. Here's the video:


Now, I'm very sorry that Rudy got hurt. It's a real shame. But that was a hard foul and nothing more. Guys like Anthony Mason, Bill Laimbeer, Charles Oakley, Dennis Rodman, Rick Mahorn, et al. used to deliver fouls like that AT LEAST a half dozen times PER GAME. Hell, Rodman once wrestled Karl Malone to the ground during the NBA Finals IN FRONT OF AN OFFICIAL and their was no call. I'm not kidding.

I just can't believe that Trevor was trying to put the hurt on Rudy. And I'm even a little on the fence as to whether that should have been a Flagrant -- although I guess any head contact these days warrants that -- but Ariza certainly shouldn't have been ejected. Maybe I'm biased because I grew up in an era where McHale clotheslining Kurt Rambis was considered an example of tough, gritty, I'd-eat-nails-and-broken-glass-to-win basketball. Not that I'm condoning that kind of behavior these days -- well, not usually, anyway -- but this isn't ballet or golf. Basketball is a contact sport. And the only reason people are outraged is because Rudy was hurt (which, as I said, is unfortunate). I mean, if somebody hit Shaq that way -- and trust me, it happens all the time -- would anybody have even noticed? Speaking of the rough stuff...

Kurt Rambis: From Basketbawful reader Jordan: "As if Rudy Fernandez getting carted out of the Rose Garden on a stretcher wasn't enough, check out this video from about 1:45 - 1:55. If you look closely at the left part of the screen, you'll notice a not-so-discreet Kurt Rambis first clotheslining and then throwing, by the nape of his neck, an innocent Blazers towel boy. Pure, unadulterated Rambis genius." Hey, Kurt: Didn't you call McHale a "thug" for doing that to you back in '84...?


Kobe Bryant: Mamba shot 11-for-29 (including 2-for-9 from three) and finished with more fouls (5) than either rebounds (3) or assists (3). Then, after the game, he left without speaking to reporters. Sore loser, anyone?

Lacktion report: Chris's mad, passionate fling with lacktion continues:

Hornets-Hawks: New Orleans's Hilton Armstrong had room service deliver him a called foul for a suck differential of +1 in 2:05, also charging him with a 1:0 Voskuhl fresh out of the mini-bar. Meanwhile, is any Hawks game complete without a Mario from THE Mario West? Tonight he celebrated the legend of Link with a 45-second stint!

Bulls-Heat: Joel Anthony may have rebounded twice, but the desire to avoid shooting the ball in 5:13 led to a slight Voskuhl of 3:2, comprised of two fouls and one giveaway.

Rockets-Nuggets: Anthony Carter recovered nicely from a left hip strain on March 5th to come back for George Karl and pan 1.25 trillion worth of gold specks!

Lakers-Blazers: Shavlik Randolph made money for Paul Allen's team faster than an Internet Explorer crash, releasing a service pack worth 2.95 trillion! In that same time period (2:58), Jerryd Bayless passed the rock to a Laker and bricked for a +2.

Labels: bench play, Denver Nuggets, Dwyane Wade, fan submissions, flagrant fouls, free throws, Los Angeles Lakers, Minnesota Timberwolves, the wussification of the league, Worst of the Night