"Hmmmmm.....You Got Served it is!!!"
Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Vanessa Bryant: According to the news: "Family housekeeper Maria Jimenez claims Bryant's wife, Vanessa, routinely harangued her -- calling her "lazy, slow, dumb, a f**king liar and f**king sh*t" -- and ordered her to stick her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a price tag for a blouse that had been thrown away with the pet poop. In a suit filed in California's Orange County Superior Court, Jimenez said the abusive Lakers wife made the disgusting demand after the maid put an expensive blouse in the washing machine. Vanessa -- who insisted Jimenez reimburse her for the frock wanted to show her how much it cost, the papers allege. When Jimenez tried to quit, Vanessa Bryant told her she 'had to work until payday to pay for the $690 blouse, which she did.'" Wow. All I have to say is that if Vanessa had just let Kobe make Luke Walton or Adam Morrison stick THEIR hands in the poop like Mamba suggested, none of this ever would have happened.

(Actually, that's not true. According to the lawsuit, Vanessa has accused Jimenez of stealing her dental retainer, and "badgered, harassed and humiliated" the housekeeper by "yelling and screaming" at her in front of Bryant, the couple's kids, and other people in the house. So I guess making her handle doggy doo was just the last straw.)

Agent Zero's retirement: Don't freak out. He's going to play basketball again...some day. What he's retiring from is blogging. You know, that thing he hasn't done since November. His reasoning: "It's just like the double-(edged) sword thing: Eventually your words is going to kill you. ... I started looking at it as, before, it was fun, and everybody has fun reading it. And then it's like everything I said, everybody started using it as firepower, instead of saying it's just entertainment. You know, people started using it, trying to take bits and pieces instead of enjoying the blog. So once I started seeing that, I just started visualizing, eventually, this is going to be the double-(edged) sword thing. It made me and it's going to kill me, so I might as well stop."

I can't quite decide what's worst here: The fact that Gil is so insecure and thin-skinned that the ham-fisted judgments that inevitably levied against high-profile public figures have caused him to give up something he so clearly loved, or that this whole knee injury cycle has seemingly sucked the fun out of the clown prince of the NBA. I mean, do we really want a quiet, introspective period out of Agent Zero?

The Miami Heat: Last night's 2-point road loss to the Pacers served to illustrate just how vulnerable this Heat team is. Basically, the can't win minus a superhuman performance from Dwyane Wade, even against conference "rival" that's 12 games below .500, missing a key player (Troy Murphy) and just killing time until the offseason. Remember the old "Incredible Hulk" TV show? Yeah, David Banner only turned into the Hulk like twice an episode. This season for Wade has been the NBA-equivalent of a 12 or 13-transformation episode. I'm not sure how radiation-induced transformations work, but Pookie probably has no choice but to let out his inner David Banner every once in a while. Speaking of which...

Dwyane Wade's shooting: He still made his usual all-around contributions (4 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals), but his misguided shooting would have made Larry Hughes wince: 5-for-24, 1-for-6 from behind the arc. Maybe he had something in his eye. Like a Buick.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain gave his former team a little taste of what they gave up: 6-for-14 shooting and only 2 rebounds in 31 minutes. Oh, and three of his shots got blocked. It's like he never left.

Jamario Moon: The Other Guy from the Toronto trade sure has cooled off lately. Last night he went 2-for-7 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Minus that 17-point game at Detroit on the 22nd, he's gone for 5, 9, 0, 6, 3 and 3 points in his last seven games.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Last night's loss to the Craptors, in which Andrea Bargnani scored a game-high 23 points on them, was another nail in the coffin of their playoff hopes. And unless they pull some serious Bela Lugosi sh*t, the following comments by Richard Jefferson might serve as the eulogy: "Right now, when we need to be playing our best basketball, our most competitive, we're not. We're playing subpar basketball at a time when teams are picking it up. Even some of the teams that might not be in the hunt are picking up their intensity and we haven't done that the last couple of weeks." The 10th place Bucks are now a full three games behind eighth place Chicago. Cue the Undertaker music.

The New Jersey Nets: They are now 19-33 since the injured Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." New Jersey is currently ranked 11th in the East, 3.5 games behind the eighth place Bulls.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader Brendan P: "Well it looks like the 2009-10 season (or the 2009 draft) started early for the Timberwolves today against Philly, starting Bobby Brown, Rodney Carney and Craig Smith. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a T-Wolves fan and these guys could be the future of the team (by the way Carney shot 7-for-8 from downtown so woo!) and they do need game experience, but to start them? Why not give them some burn off the bench? Then again, with Mike Miller's an epic failure at point guard, Sebastian Telfair's macaroni and paste ankles and Jefferson out for the season I guess I can forgive them. Bring on the season home opener??"

The Atlanta Hawks: So much for their homecourt dominance. The Spurs were missing Tim Duncan (resting his aching knees) and the newly-returned Manu Ginobili went 1-for-7 and missed all three of his triples. Didn't matter. San Antonio shot almost 55 percent as a team and Tony Parker (42 points, 18-for-25, 10 assists) destroyed any and all who daried to guard him. Said Maurice Evans: "It's disappointing because we are right there and we have lost to two elite teams in Cleveland and San Antonio. That's the true test, how you stack up against the best in the league." Indeed it is.

Update! Josh Smith: From Edgar: "I'd like to offer up a WotN nomination for Josh Smith. I was at the Hawks v. Spurs game last night and the stats don't fully explain how terrible Smoove played. It started in the first when he injured Joe Johnson's ankle (of course Woody still played Joe for 44 minutes). Later in the half, Smoove pivoted into Al Horford, resulting in one of his game-high four turnovers. After that nugget of brilliance, Smoove charged down court, hacked Tony Parker and then walked away from Mike Woodon's earful. Tony Parker tore it up last night, but it helped that Smoove failed consistently to pick up the switch in time to deny Parker from getting to the basket (though Smoove did come up with a team-high three goal-tending violations). Smoove also missed five of 11 free throws (the Spurs missed 1 as a team) and went 3-12 from the floor for 12 points. To drive the point home, with Duncan out for the Spurs, the Hawks used a small lineup at times featuring Horford, Zaza Pachulia, Flip Murray, Joe and Mike Bibby/Mario West. Zaza was only really on the court when Smoove sat on the pine. Zaza's +/- was +7. Smoove's was -14. It's a bad sign when your team plays better when Zaza Pachulia is siphoning off minutes from your $60 million power forward."

Mike Woodson, knowing who's who machine: Regarding the play of Joe Johnson, who scored a team-high 30 points: "Joe was Joe."

The New York Knicks: Remember how the Sacramento Kings pummeled them at Madison Square Garden last week? That probably would have qualified as the nadir of their season until last night's home flop against the Clippers...particularly since New York had built a 19-point lead about six minutes into the game. I'll give the Knicks this much though: They were more competitive. Offensively, anyway. But The Other L.A. team put up 140 points. And yes, I realize the game went to overtime, but still...when your defense makes the freaking Clippers look like the Suns on a good night, then something has gone very, very wrong.

By the way, the utter defenselessness of this game probably would have killed Bill Russell if he'd watched it. The Knicks shot 55 percent and the Clippers -- THE CLIPPERS!! -- shot nearly 58 percent. Defense is a choice, people. Just like murder and parachute pants. Which now that I think of it are probably bad analogies. Anyway, coach Mike 'Antoni said: "We didn't guard anybody, that's pretty obvious. Somehow, somewhere the game's got to be a little more important than just going out there and playing. We're just not there." I'm not even gonna touch that one...

Update! Al Harrington: Look, folks, sometimes I make mistakes. Today, I made a doozy, accidentally omitting Al from WotN. Fortunately, luman corrected this unforgivable gaffe: "Whoa, how could you have not mentioned ANYTHING about the bawfulness that was Al Harrington's dunk with 30 secs to go? He made a great move, got open, went up, and slammed it home with both hands for safety. 3 point lead, game in hand right? Nah. The Genius-That-Is-Al Harrington (can we make this his nick?) then proceeded to do a pull up on the rim and *possibly* slap the backboard. He argued the T vehemently, but just looking like you did something T-worthy is enough these days (Former teammate S-Jax knows this from his inexplicable T last night). Apparently he committed the same atrocity against the clips in LA a month ago, and both times the clips came back to win. Has anyone made Mike D'Antoni go to Defcon 5 more than Al?"

Basketbawful reader Karc was similarly nonplussed: "Al Harrington is a moron, a flat out moron. In the last game against the Clippers, he dunks the ball for a three-point lead with less than 30 seconds left, then gets a technical foul for hanging on the rim and slapping the backboard like the game is over. Of course, the Clippers win the game in OT. So what does Harrington do? He makes a dunk last night with less than 30 seconds left to give the Knicks another three point lead, then kicks his legs over the top of a Clipper while hanging on the rim to showoff, and is hit with ANOTHER technical foul. And again, the Clippers win in OT. It's just too funny, that a professional basketball player gets the same technical foul in the same scenario against the same team twice. And this one wasn't like a frustration thing where he got hit in the face. He was trying to show off and do a pullup on the damn rim, and just happened to go over a Clipper. If he had done that in the open court, he still would have been T'ed up. What an idiot."

And, finally, DDC provided "photographic evidence of Al's bawfulry":


Zach Randolph, delusions of grandeur machine: Regarding his escape from New York: "I don’t know why they traded me. I didn't understand it, but it's a business, you know. I feel like I'm one of the best power forwards, underrated power forwards in the league, too." Oh, I can think of a few reasons why they traded you, Zach. In related news, Randolph currently has 14 blocks on the season. To put this into perspective for you, Sebastian Telfair and Steve Nash both have 10, Sasha Pavlovic has 16, Kirk Hinrich has 17, Jason Terry has 18, and Ben Gordon has 21. See where I'm going with this?

Basketbawful Yiping wrote in to add his two cents: "Someone's really got to show Mr Zach 'I'm one of the best power forwards' Randolph those video clips that you have posted of him launching those threes. Apparently he is now as good as Duncan, Nowitzki and Garnett." Yeah, but hey, you've gotta give him points for believing in himself. I mean, did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply Whitney Houston had 4 number one singles on it? Did you know that, Yiping? It's hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but "The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really. And it's beautifully stated on the album. [/Patrick Bateman]

Update! Basketbawful reader Victor commented: "Oh it gets better. Zach Randolph says he's better than Chris Bosh. From this article."

Randolph laughed when I asked him if he felt the Knicks made a mistake in trading him away.

"Yeah," he said with a big smile beaming. "It was definitely a mistake."

But the decision was an obvious one. The Knicks wanted to dump Randolph's contract off the 2010-11 payroll (and also moved Jamal Crawford that day) to make room for a big play in free agency in 2010. The LeBronathon has lost some steam since then, but Randolph says he thinks it could happen.

"It's gonna be interesting," he said.

If they wind up with LeBron, Zach says he can understand moving him. But Chris Bosh?

"I'm better than Chris Bosh," he said.

Told that line will make headlines, Zach gave a dismissive wave and said, "I'd tell him to his face."

Them's some mighty big words there, Z-Bo. And they might contain a small kernal of truth if NBA players weren't also expected to play defense during the course of a game.

The Los Angeles Clippers: I received a link to this frightening news from Basketbawful reader Mark L. in an email titled "oh dear god." From ESPN: "Isiah Thomas is actively seeking work again, and he spoke several weeks ago with Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling in a meeting arranged by current coach/general manager Mike Dunleavy, ESPN.com learned Wednesday. Several NBA sources confirmed the February meeting between the former president and general manager of the New York Knicks, adding that there were follow-up discussions between Thomas and other high-ranking club officials -- but also stressing that no job has been offered.
Discussions between former Knicks GM Isiah Thomas and the Los Angeles Clippers were described by one source as informal yet substantive. Sterling is said to be considering adding another executive to the Los Angeles front office to alleviate some of Dunleavy's responsibilities in his dual role as coach and general manager. Former Lakers and Grizzlies general manager Jerry West was linked to a possible Clippers front office job before he publicly disavowed any interest."

A marriage of Zeke and the Clippers? Urivaled terror. As Basketbawful reader jhaig said: "That's gotta be up there with that time the Ghostbusters had to cross the streams in terms of threats to the very fabric of our Universe."

Doc Rivers: He essentially conceded the game -- and second place in the Eastern Conference -- to the Magic by limiting Kevin Garnett to 16 minutes and 31 seconds. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce's minutes continue to climb. He's logged 40+ minutes in six out of 13 games this month, and he's played 37+ four other times. So it's great that KG will be all springtime fresh for the playoffs, but poor Paul is going to be a withered husk.

And seriously, you're telling me that Garnett couldn't have played an extra five minutes down the stretch? I get that Doc wants KG healthy for the playoffs. I do, and to a certain extent, I support trying to keep his minutes down. But this is a little farcical. If Kevin's not ready to play 20 minutes in a really important game, then maybe he shouldn't be playing at all.

Stan Van Grumpy, grump machine: He's gone after Shaq for flopping. He crucified the Knicks for not throwing Patrick Chewing a coaching bone. Now he's going after the press for discussing Boston's injury problems: "I want to know how some teams get on the list, where they get excuses and other teams are not on that list. All I've been hearing about is all the injury problems the Celtics have had this year." Seems Van Grumpy is a tad bitter about how nobody is giving him and his team props for trudging on sans Jameer Nelson. And it's a fair point. But it would have sounded better if Stan wasn't such a front runner. I hate those guys.

Update! Bobcats-Wizards: Man, I blew another one. But Andrei had my back:

I know that this is a mega post already, but I just wanted to point out the sequence that occurred at the end of the Bobcats-Wizards game.

With 1:23 left in the game the Wiz were up 4 and looking to wrap up the game. The Wizards secure an offensive rebound and promptly turn the ball over and foul Raymond Felton. With the possibility of closing the gap to 2 points, Raymond bricks both free throws and the Wiz call time out.

The Wizards then can't carry out a simple inbound play and turn the ball over. The Bobcats are feeling generous and give the ball right back. What is the next play you ask? Mike James manages to catch the inbound pass and dribbles into a double team resulting in a turnover.

The Bobcats call a time out and once play resumes get a miss match of Nick Young (a guard) guarding Boris Diaw (a forward), the end result as you can guess is that Young stuffs Diaw's jump hook, retrieves the ball and gets fouled. Young hits both free throws and the Wiz are up 6.

The Wiz are now in control and just need to not foul and hit free throws to secure their 17th win. What do they do? They foul DJ Augustin and he hits both free throws, 4 point game. Washington calls time out and advances the ball to half court.

After discussing strategy (one would hope) in the huddle, the Wizards turn the ball over on the inbound play (that's the 3rd time in less than 2 minutes). The Bobcats score and it's 2 point game. The Wizards promptly turn the ball over again.

The Bobcats do not want the Wiz's charity and Gerald Wallace misses a lay-up. The Wizards can finally put the game out of reach by making 2 free throws with 13 seconds left. The veteran Antawn Jamison steps to the line and calmly bricks one of the two to keep Charlotte in the game down by just 3.

Coming out the timeout Gerald Wallace drives to the hoop, if he doesn't get fouled and scores it's a one point game with 6 seconds left and the Wizards almost assured of a win. Wallace gets hit by Dominic McGuire in mid air and makes the hoop, giving himself the chance to tie the game with the coming free throw. At this point I knew that there was no way in hell he was going to hit that shot and something spectacularly awful was going to happen.

Wallace takes his time and sets up at the free throw line...he doinks it hard off the back of the rim. The Wizards can't secure the rebound and the ball gets volleyballed around until Emeka Okeafor gets the ball and misses a tough layup. Of course no one bothered to block out Diaw and he comes flying untouched to retrieve the ball in mid air. Instead of hitting the game winning put back from point blank range, the frenchman airballs his layup attempt. The Wiz get the ball with .3 seconds left and Jamison misses the second free throw on purpose and the game is over.

That was the worst 1:23 of basketball I have ever seen, it took me hours to clean up the vomit from my couch after watching this gut churning Bawfulness.

I'd also like to give a little extra wag of the finger to the 'Cats, who supposedly are fighting for that last playoff spot. You don't make the postseason by losing to the worst team in your conference during the stretch run.

The New Orleans Hornets: Last night's 101-88 home loss to the Nuggets was, to me, symptomatic of a larger problem: The Hornets just aren't playing that well. And don't give me that "But they just had a three-game winning streak" crap. They beat the Timberwolves, Grizzlies and Warriors. That's like three extra practices, nothing more. And yes, I know Tyson Chandler is out -- I guess he wasn't as healthy as we thought -- but the team has so little depth that I'm starting to get that smoke-and-mirrors feeling. Chris Paul is amazing, yes, and David West is a stud, no doubt. Chandler is pretty good when he's able to lace 'em up. Past that? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, right, Peja Stojakovic used to be on this team, too. But he's been out 11 straight games...and it feels more like 20+. I don't think it's their year.

The Golden State Warriors: Let's see...they gave up 128 points on nearly 60 percent shooting in a loss to the Mavericks in Dallas. Yep. The Warriors have officially acheived "They Are Who We Thought They Were" status. Said Stephen Jackson: "It was one of those tough nights. We didn't get calls, things were going their way, our defense was terrible. They stayed on it the whole game and we were never able to get back." He probably could have just said "our defense was terrible" and left it at that.

The Utah Jazz: From Basketbawful reader DKH: "I'm filing a worst-of nomination for the Utah Jazz: for their clutch ability to give up fast break points to the Suns. On three consecutive possessions, the Suns got easy plays at the basket off fast breaks (J-Rich boned a dunk, though). That wouldn't be so bad, except that Shaq beat the entire Jazz team down the court for a fast break dunk. This came at the end of the game, when the Suns were making me incredibly tense every time they went into a half court set. They almost never got it into Shaq. Instead it'd be some isolation for a wing player. Amazingly, the wing player (Hill against Korver and Barnes against Brewer) would make the basket, but it wasn't pretty."

In all fairness to the Jazz, they looked a little gassed at the end of the game, probably because of the previous night's win over the Rockets, which I guess makes that victory a little Pyrrhic. Note that they also went 16-for-27 at the line. Said Jerry Sloan: "And when you shoot free throws like that in a game like this, that's the ball game. It makes it very difficult. Plus, we gave up too many points in the paint. They scored 68 points in the paint, and I don’t know when any team has scored so many points in the paint against us."

Lacktion report: No WotN post is complete without Chris's lactivity update:

Heat-Pacers: Daequan Cook fried up a brick for a +1 suck differential in 6:10 of playing time for the Heat.

Meanwhile, Indianapolis native Josh McRoberts gave the home fans a statline to sleep on -- one brick, block against, and foul each for a +3 in 4:15.

Bobcats-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov stopped saying "nyet" to lacktivity with a solid return to form in 6:02, bricking once from downtown and fouling twice for a +3.

Meanwhile, DeSagana Diop provided Charlotte a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl (two each of giveaways and fouls against three boards) in 14:31.

Bucks-Raptors: While Patrick O'Bryant stayed in his warm-ups, the youngest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity put on a sideshow for the Paleolithic. Nathan Jawai waved a Power Glove at the crowd with his 34-second Mario!

Nets-Cavs: Tarence Kinsey had faded from his fine non-contributory play in recent games, but is back on track with a tax return processed in Quicken that was worth 1.7 trillion!

Wolves-Sixers: Bobby Brown was randomly placed as a starter by Kevin McHale, but unlike most bench jockeys forced into the anti-lacktive position of starting, he reached all the right notes in continuing to lack it up in his 9:19 stint. One turnover and two bricks provided the melody for a +3.

Spurs-Hawks: Gregg Popovich took the opportunity presented by a late-game thwacking of the Hawks to bring out two renowned human victory cigars. Fabricio Oberto did get credit for a board, but three fouls in 6:41 paved the way for a 3:1 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, former trillionaire champion Bruce Bowen's renaissance as a lacktator continues with a one-giveaway +1 in 4:09.

Clippers-Knicks: You know it's a strange night at the Garden when 275 points are scored, and the Clippers' starting center Marcus Camby didn't even factor into any of them - but got just enough rebounds to negate a potential Voskuhl! Stranger still, Mike Dunleavy got the chance to have Steve Novak play as the human victory cigar, bricking from behind the arc for a +1 in 7:01 -- meaning that he was the only other player to not contribute a single point.

Celtics-Magic: Bill Walker probably wishes he had been called up earlier in the season, as he is making a case to be one of the emerging star lacktators this year -- fouling twice for a +2 in 3:12 tonight. Meanwhile, Shaq's least favorite coach in the history of the universe got to relish a win over the defending NBA champions with human victory cigar JJ Redick, who earned 1.5 trillion.

Nuggets-Hornets: Jason Hart checked into Hotel Mario for a 36-second stay!

Warriors-Mavs: Matt Carroll sang a tune of two bricks (once from downtown) for a +2 in 4:02.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Vanessa Bryant, Worst of the Night