Ameer Ali: I'm not big on including NCAA stuff here, but sometimes I have to make an exception. Like in the case of Ali. His team (Morgan State) was in the process of getting blown out by Blake Griffin's team (Oklahoma) when the two men got tangled up. So Ali did what any self-respecting Cobra Kai would have done: He showed no mercy, flipping Griffin -- who was just named SI.com's Player of the Year -- WWE-style over his back.
Mind you, Griffin missed most of two games this season getting concussed on February 21. (Not surprisingly, the Sooners lost those two games.) If you want to earn a reputation for extreme superdickery, go ahead and flip-slam the Player of the Year, who recently suffered from a concussion, on national television during March freaking Madness. That's about as brilliant as an inflatable male mannequin groin. And yes, they exist.
Ali was ejected and Griffin suffered a bruised tailbone. And even though it's pretty clear that this wasn't an accident, Ameer idiotically insists that it was: "Nah, it just looked worse than it was. I didn't do it intentionally. Just got locked up." Right. And O.J. accidentally cut his ex-wife into fish bait. Whoopsie! (I'm just kidding. We all know O.J. was innocent.)
Jordan Hill (Arizona) unintentionally dirty man love quote machine: Okay, one more college submission. AnacondaHL provided this quote from Hill, regarding Utah's Luke Nevill" "He's real long, real big -- way bigger than me." Takes a real man to admit that. Update! More from AnacondaHL: "Bawful I think you took the wrong stance on what I was trying to imply with Jordan Hill's quote. It's more like, 'Uh, did he just imply that he's not only seen Nevill's stuff, but has compared them to his own? Hey, anything can happen in a 5-12.'"
Dallas Mavericks: If some uber-powerful superbeing could make it as though the second and fourth quarters of last night's Mavericks-Hawks game never happened, Dallas totally would have won. As it was, the Mavs were outscored 33-16 (which included an 18-0 run) in the second and then forgot how to shoot the ball in the fourth. During that final period, Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Terry went 2-for-10 and, and Terry and Jason Kidd combined to miss all eight of their three-point attempts. (Dallas missed 25 of their 31 threes on the night, by the way.)
Said Kidd: "I think we got off to a good start in the first quarter. We kind of forgot all of that in the second quarter, and that's when the game shifted in the Hawks' favor. From then on, it was an uphill battle. We were able to get some stops defensively, but we just couldn't make any 3s when we needed to." But that didn't keep you from chucking them up did it, Jas?
To be fair, the Mavs were missing starters Josh Howard (sore left ankle) and Erick Dampier (swollen left knee). And I'm sure Dampier's long-range marksmanship could have tipped the balance. How's that for subtle-as-a-brick sarcasm?
Rick Carlisle: Rick Rude got tossed by Derrick Stafford with 2:46 left in the second quarter. The cause: Bitching at the officials. Said Carlisle: "I thought Dirk was being held and pushed and got fouled repeatedly. I kept asking for a foul to be called, but it wasn't. I turned to the official and just got thrown out." I'm not sure that accomplished much. Dirk finished the night with four free throw attempts...only two more than the Hawks got to shoot for Rick's double technicals.
The Portland Trail Blazers: Despite King Crab's seventh triple-double of the season (26 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists), the putative "Team of the Future" very nearly almost just about put the second blemish on Cleveland's amazing home record. It might have helped their cause if they'd done a better job pressuring the ball: The Crabs committed only 2 turnovers, thereby setting a franchise record and matching the mark set by Milwaukee against Indiana on April 1, 2006. Bonus trivia: Andrew Bogut and Toni Kukoc committed those two turnovers for the Bucks. (I know, right? I couldn't believe Kukoc was still in the league in 2006 either.)
Mo Williams: It's not so much the 12 points he scored on 15 shots, it's more that he committed both of the Crabs turnovers last night. Don't be so careless with the ball next time, Mo!
Danny Ainge: Considering all their frontcourt injuries and how unimpressive Mikki Moore has been for them so far, Ainge's lack of patience in waiting for Joe Smith to be released by the Thunder is looking more and more damning, right up there with trying to save a few million dollars by letting James Posey walk. Last night, Smith gave Cleveland 12 points, perfect 5-for-5 shooting, 3 rebounds and 2 blocked shots off the bench. And every shot he hit made me think he totally could have been this year's P.J. Brown for the Celts.
The Los Angeles Lakers: On Sunday, the Lakers blew a 15-point lead and had to rally from 6 points down in the fourth quarter to beat the Mavericks. On Tuesday, they choked away a 14-point advantage and lost to the Sixers on a buzzer-beating three by Andre Iguodala. Last night, they frittered away an 18-point lead and (thanks to a three-point miss by Kelenna Azubuike) barely held off the Warriors. And these were all home games, by the way. I know a win's a win and all that, but they aren't playing well. All things being equal, they should have destroyed Golden State. Instead, they built a cushion and then got sloppy, committing 22 turnovers for 23 Warrior points. And while they won the rebounding battle 50-42, they still let Golden State -- a notoriously poor rebounding team -- grab 12 offensive boards, despite the absence of Andris Biedrins, their leading rebounder.
Said Phil Jackson: "We talked about that yesterday. We had a list of seven items up there on the boards that were haunting us, starting with turnovers in transition plays and offensive rebounds, which are dead-giveway types of things, and understanding our rotations that we have to do when we get into screen-roll situations." Seems like that talk didn't get through. It'll be interesting to see if the Lakers get their focus back on this seven-game road trip they start on Saturday.
Ronny Turiaf: Posterized by...The Son of Walton?! Getting YouTubed by Cool Hand Luke just might earn Ronny automatic entry into the Basketbawful Hall of Shame.
Kobe Bryant: Mamba shot 9-for-25 and committed a game-high (tied with Bad Porn Maggette, anyway) 5 turnovers (compared to only 2 assists). Not a strong showing against a team that doesn't practice, play or have any regard whatsoever for defense. And was it just me, or did he look a little, I don't know, tired last night?
Lacktion report: Chris -- a little less conversation, a little more lacktion, please.
Mavs-Hawks: The Mavs' Matt Carroll bricked twice from downtown in 2:49 for a +2 suck differential. And while THE Mario West ruined a potential four trillion with a board, Acie Law laid down a 1.1 trillion as Atlanta's human victory cigar.
Blazers-Cavs: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson's double-zero jersey represents how many field goal attempts he made tonight in 6:13, fouling twice to claw out a +2 suck differential for the Crabs!
Warriors-Lakers: With Los Angeles facing the efensive-minded Nellieballers, Phil Jackson once again had the occasion to bring out a human victory cigar. But as anyone knows, the master of zen likes to one-up the rest of the Association when he can, and he did so tonight by bringing out not one, but two addictive bench celebrators! DJ Mbenga technically didn't lack it up with a block and two boards - but in 7:24, that wasn't enough to overcome a foul and three giveaways against no shot attempts for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Shannon Brown went all out as a lacktator with a brick and foul in 5:12 for +2.
Spencer Pratt: I have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, but apparently he's an actor who appears on "The Hills," which seems to be a TV show that -- and I'm just guessing here -- is probably loved by people I can't stand. Anyway, he attended the Warriors-Lakers game. It's bad enough he looks like a douche, but check out that shirt. What, does his agent insist that Spencer get paid in food stamps or something?
If I'm every making enough money to afford primo tickets to a Lakers game in L.A. and I show up to the Staples Center dressed like Bill Bixby in a 1970s episode of "The Incredible Hulk," you have permission to kill me by atomic wedgie.
Donte Stallworth: Since Footbawful is taking an offseason siesta, I have to mention this here. I never thought anybody would make Plaxico "I shot myself in the leg at a dance club and then tried to cover it up during a season in which my team was trying to defend its NFL title" Burress look not-as-stoopid this quickly. But that's what Stallworth -- who recently inked a seven-year, $35 million contract with the Cleveland Browns -- did when he struck and killed a pedestrian at seven in the morning while, you guessed it, driving under the influence. Seriously, when are professional athletes going to learn to stop jumping behind the wheel after a bender?