Editor's note: Many thanks to Rudy W. for the top picture and to stephanie g for most of the other pics.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: What can I say? I was stunned last night when the Celtics eliminated the Craboliers, and I'm still stunned today. Not only was Cleveland the league's best regular season team led by the best player in the Nine Realms, but Boston was supposed to fail. I mean, the Celts had been failing all season...they were a bunch of broken down (or breaking) old geezers who didn't give a shit anymore. I've seen bugs explode on my windshield that weren't as left for dead as the C's were at various points over the past six months.

And yet they're moving on while the Crabs have gone fishin'. The mighty Crabs couldn't make it out of the second round...couldn't even force a seventh game. What happened?

ESPN's John Hollinger believes it was a case of offense gone horribly, horribly wrong:

Offensively, however, the Cavs were disastrous, especially in the second half. Cleveland got to the break in decent shape thanks to a 20-point first half from Mo Williams, but scored only 36 points after halftime. While there's a laser focus on LeBron James' performance, he and Williams were the only two scorers who did anything.

The other Cavaliers were 12-of-44 from the field, including 2-of-10 from Antawn Jamison -- acquired at midseason to be the final piece of Cleveland's keep-LeBron-at-all-costs puzzle as he enters his free agent year.

And of course, there were the turnovers -- 24 of them, nearly a quarter of the Cavs' possessions. An average figure is barely half that. The Cavs struggled even when they kept the ball, as they misfired on 3s (5-of-17), missed 10 foul shots of their own and shot only 41.1% inside the arc. LeBron, of course, was a major contributor with nine turnovers, and he once again struggled from outside; over the final two games he was three-of-19 from the field.

Dr. Jack Ramsay thinks that, in addition to Mo Williams running out of gas, Antawn Jamison forgetting to show up, a collective no-show by the Cleveland bench and woeful coaching from Mike Brown, the Craboliers got jipped by the officials:

In the fourth quarter after LeBron hit those two 3-pointers to cut the deficit to four, I thought Cleveland caught a couple of bad breaks. Anderson Varejao was fouled twice and the officials didn't call either one, allowing the Celtics to get fast-break opportunities instead of sending Varejao to the foul line. The Cavs never got back into it.

Uh huh. I'm here to tell you there were some iffy calls going both ways. In other words, it was a typical NBA playoff game.

Let's face it, this was a complete team meltdown, one through 12 and the entire coaching staff. It was a choke job of near Biblical proportions. I actually thought that Mo Williams' offensive explosion -- 20 points in the first half -- would save them. After all, the theory was that LeBron only needed one of his teammates to step up, that Cleveland only had to keep things close, for King Crab to prevail.

But it didn't happen. Even when the Crabs took a brief third quarter lead, they looked flat. Even when LeBron hit back-to-back threes to cut Boston's lead to 78-74 early in the fourth quarter, you could kind of tell his teammates had stopped believing, if not in their leader then in themselves. On one possession, Williams bricked a wide open 15-footer -- and I mean bricked badly -- but Cleveland nabbed the offensive board. The ball rotated to an open Jamison, who's shot was both rushed and wide right (laces out!).

None of the Craboliers wanted the ball in crunch time.

The body language was as surprising as anything else: Dipped heads, slumped shoulders, guys just walking around, seemingly disinterested in whatever "play" Mike Brown was calling from the sideline. Even King Crab's triple-double -- 27 points, 19 rebounds, 10 assists -- was marred by 9 turnovers, 8-for-21 shooting, and a notable lack of aggression. The effort was there. Nobody grabs 19 rebounds in an elimination game without trying. But it seemed like his will was broken.

And how 'bout those final minutes, when the Crabs were still (technically) within striking distance but refused to foul to stop the clock. Here's how Basketbawful reader Clifton put it:

Gawd, watching the last 1:30 of that game was awkward. I mean, AWKWARD. You were literally watching the complete dissolution of a team's psyche. Just content to let the Celtics get it over with...Varejao standing 6 feet from Pierce with his hands on his hips for 10 seconds on the C's next-to-last possession might be the image I'll remember the longest.

That was horrible, though. It was like having two friends who used to be married, but have been divorced for a few years, and watching them argue over who "has to be saddled with" their 7-year-old this weekend...in front of their 7-year-old.

It would have been less painful to watch if they'd gone up to the scorer's table with 1:30 left and forfeited. Seriously, down 9 with 90 seconds to go? Steep climb, sure, but it's POSSIBLE. This wasn't like watching a team down 20 with 1:30 left playing full-court press. Cleveland still had a chance, albeit a small one, at the point when they gave up.

I'm still shaking my head. I can't fathom what I just saw. Hey, free-agency-world, it's LeBron! Guaranteed to actually quit on your team when the going gets tough. Whatever, someone's still going to give him sick cash, but I think the respective 4th quarters of the last two games have done more to cement LeBron's legacy in my mind than any of his "dominating" performances. You don't get the measure of a man by his actions when times are good. It's when the sh*t hits the fan when you find out what a man's made of.

Of course, Clifton's outlook contrasts starkly with a reader e-mail Henry Abbott published on TrueHoop:

You rarely see any athlete take the kind of criticism LeBron has over the past few days. I'm having trouble thinking of another instance where someone has had such a brilliant start to his career and had every part of his game and psychological makeup questioned.

There's nothing wrong with questioning someone's play after a bad game, but people have attacked his heart, desire, and even basketball IQ in the blogosphere. Supposedly he doesn't have a "killer instinct" despite the fact that he has single-handedly destroyed many teams in the playoffs previously.

All this, and we still don't have any real information on the seriousness of his injury.

I don't know if people are just jealous of his success, like to act like know-it-alls, or just get some weird enjoyment at being able to tear someone down behind the anonymity of the internet. But it's kind of gross.

I'm sure there are people who are, as that TrueHoop reader pointed out, attacking LeBron. It's sports, it happens, get over it. But I also believe there are a lot of people who are trying to make sense of what they've "Witnessed." For the last several years, we've all been subjected to a non-stop LeBron-a-thon...all LeBron, all the time. And most recently, the dude has received back-to-back MVPs, received praise by leading stat geeks as perhaps the greatest by-the-numbers player ever, and been proclaimed as The Guy Who's Going To Supplant Michael Jordan As The Greatest Of All Time.

Then this happens.

You know, people used to believe that leaving a pile of wet rags in the corner of their house would make frogs. I'm not kidding. Same as people used to think -- and some still do -- that walking under a ladder or breaking a mirror will cause bad luck. Human beings need answers for things that don't make sense. When the near-consensus BEST PLAYER ON THE PLANET and his BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE fail in back-to-back years as the undisputed favorite, our collective gasts become a little flabbered. So please forgive us.

And here are some more random comments from Bawful readers and contributors:

Future Guy:

And the Curse of Ehlo lives on. Or maybe it's the Curse of Mike Brown Can't Coach His Way Out of A Paper Bag.

chris:

I love how ESPN has to have A Very Special Edition of SportsCenter in the wake of King Crab suffering from a New England seafood bake tonight!

I also love Paul "Wheelchair" Pierce telling the media straight up "We're not really proud of this...our goal this year was to win a championship, not just one series" when being asked "how do you feel about this accomplishment of actually winning a series as an underdog?"

I love how this dramatic ESPN segment is comparing King Crab losing in the second round...to things like The Fumble and other forms of Cleveland sports fail.

A few minutes ago, as the press conference camera panned on an empty chair with a Gatorade bottle...

"It's like Waiting for Godot. No wait, it's like a Gatorade commercial."

Um, I think Godot not showing up still didn't do as much philosophical damage as LeBron not showing up in Game 5...

And yes, an actual Gatorade commercial played right after that. Sigh.

Adam:

My only issue is that the game was on ESPN instead of TNT. I'd have LOVED to see the Crabs go fishin'. It would have been strangely appropriate.

Never fear, Adam. Basketbawful is here!


plonden:

WoTN nomination for the refs for the non-call on the Big Geritol's travel. He switched his pivot foot at least two separate times. Pure bawful at its finest.

Sorbo:

Read Simmons book where he talks about Kobe. He's right, there are two sides of Kobe, the Fox and the Wolf. He knows the best way to win a game, he just always wants to be the one to make the big shot. That's his career: stuck between the best way to win and him being the hero. You can't always be both. Watch Game 5 against Oklahoma, when Kobe accepting the win and not the hero status.

We have to bring it up now, because the biggest free agent story just shit his pants in the second round. Let me call it for you: LeBron in New York. He'll go there and Stoudemire won't be far behind. Wade will stay in Miami and Bosh will go to Chicago. Isn't it funny that the supposed "three best players" and Joe Johnson will be watching the playoffs from here on out? Meanwhile Pumaman is heading towards his second Eastern Finals and possibly second Finals. MVP recount?

I can't remember a year where both Magic and Bird both missed the conference finals.

BTW. LeBron in Chicago is crazy talk. He would only go there if they traded Rose (too many ball handlers, if Rose stays), and Chicago would get nothing in return (Rose still in his rookie contract). Plus, he hates Noah. Hates him. Not hate-respects him, but hates him.

That would be like someone saying that in 1990 Jordan would go to Detroit because they had Laimbeer and Thomas. Just stupid. The Clippers have a better shot at LeBron than Chicago.

Wild Yams:

Last year when LeBron didn't shake the hands of the Magic players and was criticized for it he defended his actions, saying something like he wouldn't want to shake the hand of someone who beat him. If he really believes that, why did he shake the Celtics players' hands? I just hate that he never actually admitted that he was wrong, but he clearly knows he did the wrong thing (or he still doesn't understand what he did wrong, but his advisers told him not to make the same mistake again).

I wonder how much the whole LeBron's free agency thing was a distraction to the Crabs. Do you think the whole thing cost Cleveland a championship? How funny would that be if LeBron's ego trip with this free agency nonsense cost him a title and brought all this scrutiny on himself.

Heretic:

Yeah the Cavs just decided "Fuck it man, we are who you thought we were" at the end of the fourth. Didn't they watch the Reggie Miller documentary? Miracles can happen!! Well maybe its because from the sport cursed land of Cleveland.

LotharBot:

New nickname:

LeGone.

Gone from the playoffs. Gone from Cleveland.

Now, let's focus in...

LeBron James: Like I said above: 9 turnovers for the near quadruple-bumble. And some of them weren't forced. They were just bad, bad decisions. And it wasn't just 'Bron's ball handling and shooting that was off. He was off. He was not the same player we saw during the regular season, or even the same player that single-handedly decimated the Pistons in the playoffs a few years back. Something was wrong. I don't know if it was the elbow, or the pressure of expectations, or the doubt about his own future. But this was not the King Crab we're used to seeing.

Heck, he didn't even try to contest this dunk by KG:


I will always remember the way LeBron glared around after he hit a half-court shot in Game 4 of Cleveland's first round series against the Bulls. Experts and fans were all like, "Oooo! You can see how determined LeBron is this year!" Watch it:


Mind you, his team was already up 20 points at the time. No offense, but it's easy to act like a badass when you're blowing away an inferior team. I didn't see many of those glares, or any dancing, or any of the other antics associated with the Crabs going on against Boston. Funny thing that.

Mmm...Crab vomit.
Shaq: 11 points, 4 rebounds, zero blocked shots and 5 personal fouls in 24 minutes. At this point, The Big Geritol would make a slightly above-average backup center on a good team. Seriously, that's his ceiling right now. Remember back when Shaq said he'd retire when he was "only as good as David Robinson"? The Admiral closed out his career as an integral part of a championship team. Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever couldn't even championship piggyback alongside the best player in the multiverse. Yeah, I think Shaq is done.


Antawn Jamison: Cleveland traded for him so that he could be, in Reggie Miller's words, "the Robinson to LeBron's Batman." His elimination game contribution: 5 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 5 rebounds, zero assists, and countless terrified, please-don't-pass-me-the-ball looks on his face. Speaking of which...


As Basketbawful reader Heretic put it:

Rasheed made a couple of threes...un-fucking-believable. That Tony Allen dunk was vicious as hell, he cocked it way back and wham right in the face of Jamison.

I live in the DC area and even though Jamison was half decent on the Wizards, I had the feeling that on a better team he would wilt. Good to know my Shitty Player In Disguise Detector (patent pending) is still working.

Can you believe that, as recently as the first round of the playoffs, people were still comparing the Jamison-to-Cleveland trade to the Gasol-to-L.A. deal? Ha!

Mo Williams in the second half: Mo giveth...and Mo taketh away. Williams kept the Crabs in the game in the first half by scoring 20 points, but he managed only 2 points in the second half and finished with a second-worst-in-the-game 5 turnovers versus only 4 assists. I think Bill Simmons put it best when he said Williams was the pimple on the ass of the All-Star game.

Speaking of which, bravo to Simmons for inspiring the "New York Knicks!" chant during last night's game:


Cleveland's bench: Anderson Varejao's 6-point, 7-rebound performance was the best this group could muster. Did I mention Andy shot 2-for-7? Freaking J.J. Hickson -- who was so important during the regular season -- earned a freaking Mario. On that subject...

Mike Brown: Let's see: He still hasn't learned how to coach an offense and he randomly decided to scrap his rotation for the final few playoff games. Is Mike Brown the worst coach to ever win Coach of the Year? Quite possibly, yes. But you know what? I've been going after Brown for years now and I don't have the energy to do it anymore. Once you've beaten a dead horse into a rine, red paste, what's left? So if you want to pick up your torch and pitchfork to help drive Mike out of Cleveland, head over to the Bleacher Report to read all about why the Cavaliers should fire Brown.

LeBron James, quote machine: "The fact that it's over right now is definitely a surprise to me. A friend of mine told me, 'I guess you've got to go through a lot of nightmares before you realize your dream.' That's what's going on for me individually right now."

Dennis Manoloff, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Alex B. sent in this Manoloff quote:

If the 2008-2009 and 2009-2010 Cavaliers can't win a title, which team from the big three is going to break through and finally connect with the '64 Browns?

The answer is none.

It's not going to happen.

Cleveland will never win a championship in the NBA or another one in the NFL or MLB. Never. Not in my lifetime, not in anybody's lifetime from here on out.

As Alex put it: "Wow...I'd recommend a sad trombone, but this is cold enough."

Takin' pictures: Fun.




ESPN experts: Fail.


Kevin Garnett, scold machine: KG just loves spanking the Baby.


Lacktion report: And now for chris's Crustacean cookoff Thursday playoff lacktion report:

Crabs-Celtics: Zydrunas Ilgauskas finishes his second stint for Cuyahoga County's crab crew with a 3:2 Voskuhl (fouls against a field goal) in 14:53, while J.J. Hickson had to decide between Princess Peach and Pauline in 10 seconds for a Mario.

For Coach Kevin Garnett, er, Doc Rivers, Marquis Daniels collected a basket of creminis in just 6 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

Labels: Antawn Jamison, bench play, Cleveland Cavaliers, fan submissions, Lebron James, Mo Williams, Shaq

The Cleveland Cavaliers: The best team in basketball. At 66-16, that's what the Cavs were during the regular season. That's what Mo Williams says they are now (see below). They were so dominant in the opening two rounds of the playoffs (against the hapless Pistons and overrated Hawks) that some people were talking about them going fo' fo' fo' on their way to the NBA Finals. And yet, after last night's 116-114 overtime loss in Orlando, the Cavaliers are staring up at a 3-1 series deficit that, if not for some truly lousy last-second defense by the Magic, would have been a 4-0 sweep. When was the last time that the "best team in basketball" came within a single second of getting swept out of the postseason?

Mind you, this has been a freaky-close series. (It actually kind of reminds me of the 1981 Eastern Conference Finals between the Celtics and Sixers, where Games 1 and 7 were decided by a point and Games 4, 5 and 6 were decided by two points.) Games 1 and 2 both featured clutch shots and were each decided by one point. Game 3 featured even more clutch shots and went to overtime, where the final margin was only two. So clearly things could have gone either way, and Orlando could very well be the team that's down 3-1. But they aren't.

So what went wrong for Cleveland? Well, for starters, their best-in-the-league defense failed them once again. The Magicians shot 50 percent from the field (40-for-80) and nearly 45 percent from downtown (17-for-38). In fact, those 17 threes set an Orlando team playoff record. And it wasn't even the usual suspects (Hedo Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis) doing most of that triple-threat damage, either. Rafer Alston (26 points, 10-for-17) drilled six three-pointers and Mickael Pietrus (17 points) nailed five. (Alston even knocked down a banked three-bomb over King James.) Of course, that's what makes Orlando so dangerous...you really do have to guard everybody on the floor. Which is something the Cavs weren't able to do last night.

It also didn't help that their offense has, at times, regressed to the 2007 version, or the 2006 version, or the 2005 version. That is, lots of standing around while LeBron either holds or dribbles the hell out of the ball. Sure, that allows 'Bron to pad his stats and, yeah, it sometimes generates open shots for his teammates. But when that happens, Cleveland's shooters had all the rhythm of The Urkel Dance, hence the 6-for-22 shooting from beyond the arc (2-for-12 sans LeBron's 4-for-10). Mo Williams (5-for-15) and Delonte West combined to go 0-for-6 from distance. And those guys shot 43.6 and 39.9 percent in threes during the regular season. The other big problem was...

LeBron James: His near triple-double (44 points, 12 boards, 7 assists) was actually a near triple-bumble, thanks to his game-high 8 turnovers. Even more damning is WHEN those turnovers occurred: 3 came in the final 3:50 of regulation and he committed another 3 in overtime. That's 6 TOs in "clutch time." (For the sake of perspective, all of the Cavaliers not named "LeBron James" had 4 turnovers FOR THE GAME.) And a few of King Crab's TOs were just bad, careless passes. I suppose it's also worth mentioning that he was guilty of overdribbling and spending way too much time looking for or trying to create his own shot. The Cavs' offense was at its best last night when the ball and the players were moving. And last night, LeBron spent too much time killing the clock.

Mo Williams: In case you missed it, here's the full text of Mo's guarantee: "They deserve respect. They are a good team. But we are the best team in basketball. I don't feel that they've had to adjust to us one time in the series. ... Guarantee we're going to win the series? Yeah, yeah. We are down 2-1. But there is nobody on this team and definitely not myself that says we are not going to win this series. Yeah, it is going to be tough. We know that. We get this game tomorrow, go home, still got home-court advantage. We don't see ourselves losing two out of three at home." If Cleveland goes on to lose this series, Mo is going to surpass Devin "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" Harris for the season's greatest and most crippling stat curse. Oh, and here's a memo for Mo: Next time you make a "Guaransheed," you might wanna do better than 5-for-15 from the field and 0-for-3 in threes. I'm just sayin'.

The Orlando Magic: The Magicians played most of the game from behind but managed to forge an 8-point lead (83-91) when Courtney Lee hit a three with 7:48 left in the fourth. From that point on, their offense went stupid. I'm talking grown men dressing up like the Super Mario Bros. and waging a live action lightsaber duel (with special effects!) stupid. I'm talking Sony releasing a stupid piece of sh*t that doesn't f*cking work stupid. Rushed threes, too much dribbling, nothing going toward the basket. I will never understand why a team insists on chucking it up from 20+ feet when they're in the freaking penalty. Can anyone else explain this?

Oh, and here's a memo for Stan Van Gundy: The Cavaliers figured out that high screen and roll with Hedo and Dwight. I understand Van Gundy's desire to go back to that play, because they've scored a lot of points off of it during this series. But it wasn't working in the fourth quarter, mostly because Anderson Varejao -- unlike Zydrunas Ilgauskas -- can actually MOVE LATERALLY. Sideshow Bob even pilfered Hedo twice, so easily that it was embarrassing. Not exactly the leader of the free world getting outsmarted by a door, or getting your frank 'n beans caught in your zipper on prom night, but still.

Dwight Howard: He had a MAN-type game (27 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 blocked shots), a MAN-type overtime (10 points, which included three dunks) and a Rick Barry-type night at the line (7-for-9). BUT...he scored only 4 points in the third and fourth quarters, and he was blanked during the fourth when the Cavs were making the charge that almost allowed them to steal the game. Heck, Delonte West even drove right at Howard for a layup near the end of regulation. His second-half disappearance (until overtime) very nearly cost his team the game.

More lousy officiating: Ugh and double-ugh. Dwight Howard gets a technical foul with 4:11 left in the fourth for...flexing looking really happy after getting an And-1? (If this one stands, I will demand that the NBA retroactively assess about 371 technical fouls on Alonzo Mourning.) And even though only one tech was called, Mo Williams gets two free throws? Did I miss something? (Not according to the game log I didn't.) LeBron draws a foul by falling into Pietrus with 0.5 seconds left, "earning" two FTAs that allow him to tie the game. Then Varejao rides Howard out of bounds on Orlando's final play and there's no call. (Even the always-impartial AP said: "Both players tumbled out of bounds, and although there was enough contact for the officials to call two or three fouls, there was no whistle.") Now, mind you, I would have been fine if either a) both had been no-calls (my preference) or b) both had been called. Again, at this point I've given up my hopes for correct officiating and only want consistency. But I can't even get that. Unless by consistency I mean "King James always gets the benefit of the doubt"...because I get that in spades.

Tuesday night lacktion report: It's pretty hard to hunt down lacktion in a two-point overtime game, but Chris did it: "Joe Smith routinely pinched out a 4.15 trillion (the largest payday in the third round so far), while Tony Battie continues his epic run to the Damon Jones Award -- and a potential trip to the Finals - with a celebratory brick for a +1 suck differential in 5:09."

Weird Gold Jacket Guy: From Basketbawful reader Wade Wisdom: "You might have already addressed this at some point in time, but my friend and I have seen this guy (picture attached from the Magic game 5/26) at four sites during the playoffs, including L.A., Denver, Houston and now Orlando. He is really weird and seems to have no affiliation with any one team. The only constant is that he wears that stupid jacket and hat. Maybe one of your readers will know? Thanks for the help."


Well? Anybody know who this guy is?

John Denton, unintentionally dirty headline-writing machine: NBA rescinds 'flagrant-one' foul on Magic's Johnson‎. Let's hear it for jokes that write themselves.

Kobe Bryant: Basketbawful reader catfish writes: "From ESPN: 'Who would win a 1-on-1 game? Quick Olympics story: Both guys played P-I-G against commoners last summer. LeBron almost lost to Sean Gregory of Time Magazine. Kobe used a dunk on his first shot to give Adam Wright of the U.S. water polo team a P, and it was all but over. It's Kobe.' Who dunks in P-I-G or H-O-R-S-E other than a huge dick? That's like challenging a small kid to a game of 1-on-1 and making it 'make it take it.' I'm gonna put my foot on your throat and never let up, and I could care less if you're only seven years old..."

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James, Mo Williams, Orlando Magic

Ameer Ali: I'm not big on including NCAA stuff here, but sometimes I have to make an exception. Like in the case of Ali. His team (Morgan State) was in the process of getting blown out by Blake Griffin's team (Oklahoma) when the two men got tangled up. So Ali did what any self-respecting Cobra Kai would have done: He showed no mercy, flipping Griffin -- who was just named SI.com's Player of the Year -- WWE-style over his back.


Mind you, Griffin missed most of two games this season getting concussed on February 21. (Not surprisingly, the Sooners lost those two games.) If you want to earn a reputation for extreme superdickery, go ahead and flip-slam the Player of the Year, who recently suffered from a concussion, on national television during March freaking Madness. That's about as brilliant as an inflatable male mannequin groin. And yes, they exist.

Ali was ejected and Griffin suffered a bruised tailbone. And even though it's pretty clear that this wasn't an accident, Ameer idiotically insists that it was: "Nah, it just looked worse than it was. I didn't do it intentionally. Just got locked up." Right. And O.J. accidentally cut his ex-wife into fish bait. Whoopsie! (I'm just kidding. We all know O.J. was innocent.)

Jordan Hill (Arizona) unintentionally dirty man love quote machine: Okay, one more college submission. AnacondaHL provided this quote from Hill, regarding Utah's Luke Nevill" "He's real long, real big -- way bigger than me." Takes a real man to admit that. Update! More from AnacondaHL: "Bawful I think you took the wrong stance on what I was trying to imply with Jordan Hill's quote. It's more like, 'Uh, did he just imply that he's not only seen Nevill's stuff, but has compared them to his own? Hey, anything can happen in a 5-12.'"

Dallas Mavericks: If some uber-powerful superbeing could make it as though the second and fourth quarters of last night's Mavericks-Hawks game never happened, Dallas totally would have won. As it was, the Mavs were outscored 33-16 (which included an 18-0 run) in the second and then forgot how to shoot the ball in the fourth. During that final period, Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Terry went 2-for-10 and, and Terry and Jason Kidd combined to miss all eight of their three-point attempts. (Dallas missed 25 of their 31 threes on the night, by the way.)

Said Kidd: "I think we got off to a good start in the first quarter. We kind of forgot all of that in the second quarter, and that's when the game shifted in the Hawks' favor. From then on, it was an uphill battle. We were able to get some stops defensively, but we just couldn't make any 3s when we needed to." But that didn't keep you from chucking them up did it, Jas?

To be fair, the Mavs were missing starters Josh Howard (sore left ankle) and Erick Dampier (swollen left knee). And I'm sure Dampier's long-range marksmanship could have tipped the balance. How's that for subtle-as-a-brick sarcasm?

Rick Carlisle: Rick Rude got tossed by Derrick Stafford with 2:46 left in the second quarter. The cause: Bitching at the officials. Said Carlisle: "I thought Dirk was being held and pushed and got fouled repeatedly. I kept asking for a foul to be called, but it wasn't. I turned to the official and just got thrown out." I'm not sure that accomplished much. Dirk finished the night with four free throw attempts...only two more than the Hawks got to shoot for Rick's double technicals.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Despite King Crab's seventh triple-double of the season (26 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists), the putative "Team of the Future" very nearly almost just about put the second blemish on Cleveland's amazing home record. It might have helped their cause if they'd done a better job pressuring the ball: The Crabs committed only 2 turnovers, thereby setting a franchise record and matching the mark set by Milwaukee against Indiana on April 1, 2006. Bonus trivia: Andrew Bogut and Toni Kukoc committed those two turnovers for the Bucks. (I know, right? I couldn't believe Kukoc was still in the league in 2006 either.)

Mo Williams: It's not so much the 12 points he scored on 15 shots, it's more that he committed both of the Crabs turnovers last night. Don't be so careless with the ball next time, Mo!

Danny Ainge: Considering all their frontcourt injuries and how unimpressive Mikki Moore has been for them so far, Ainge's lack of patience in waiting for Joe Smith to be released by the Thunder is looking more and more damning, right up there with trying to save a few million dollars by letting James Posey walk. Last night, Smith gave Cleveland 12 points, perfect 5-for-5 shooting, 3 rebounds and 2 blocked shots off the bench. And every shot he hit made me think he totally could have been this year's P.J. Brown for the Celts.

The Los Angeles Lakers: On Sunday, the Lakers blew a 15-point lead and had to rally from 6 points down in the fourth quarter to beat the Mavericks. On Tuesday, they choked away a 14-point advantage and lost to the Sixers on a buzzer-beating three by Andre Iguodala. Last night, they frittered away an 18-point lead and (thanks to a three-point miss by Kelenna Azubuike) barely held off the Warriors. And these were all home games, by the way. I know a win's a win and all that, but they aren't playing well. All things being equal, they should have destroyed Golden State. Instead, they built a cushion and then got sloppy, committing 22 turnovers for 23 Warrior points. And while they won the rebounding battle 50-42, they still let Golden State -- a notoriously poor rebounding team -- grab 12 offensive boards, despite the absence of Andris Biedrins, their leading rebounder.

Said Phil Jackson: "We talked about that yesterday. We had a list of seven items up there on the boards that were haunting us, starting with turnovers in transition plays and offensive rebounds, which are dead-giveway types of things, and understanding our rotations that we have to do when we get into screen-roll situations." Seems like that talk didn't get through. It'll be interesting to see if the Lakers get their focus back on this seven-game road trip they start on Saturday.

Ronny Turiaf: Posterized by...The Son of Walton?! Getting YouTubed by Cool Hand Luke just might earn Ronny automatic entry into the Basketbawful Hall of Shame.


Kobe Bryant: Mamba shot 9-for-25 and committed a game-high (tied with Bad Porn Maggette, anyway) 5 turnovers (compared to only 2 assists). Not a strong showing against a team that doesn't practice, play or have any regard whatsoever for defense. And was it just me, or did he look a little, I don't know, tired last night?

Lacktion report: Chris -- a little less conversation, a little more lacktion, please.

Mavs-Hawks: The Mavs' Matt Carroll bricked twice from downtown in 2:49 for a +2 suck differential. And while THE Mario West ruined a potential four trillion with a board, Acie Law laid down a 1.1 trillion as Atlanta's human victory cigar.

Blazers-Cavs: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson's double-zero jersey represents how many field goal attempts he made tonight in 6:13, fouling twice to claw out a +2 suck differential for the Crabs!

Warriors-Lakers: With Los Angeles facing the efensive-minded Nellieballers, Phil Jackson once again had the occasion to bring out a human victory cigar. But as anyone knows, the master of zen likes to one-up the rest of the Association when he can, and he did so tonight by bringing out not one, but two addictive bench celebrators! DJ Mbenga technically didn't lack it up with a block and two boards - but in 7:24, that wasn't enough to overcome a foul and three giveaways against no shot attempts for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Shannon Brown went all out as a lacktator with a brick and foul in 5:12 for +2.

Spencer Pratt: I have no idea who Spencer Pratt is, but apparently he's an actor who appears on "The Hills," which seems to be a TV show that -- and I'm just guessing here -- is probably loved by people I can't stand. Anyway, he attended the Warriors-Lakers game. It's bad enough he looks like a douche, but check out that shirt. What, does his agent insist that Spencer get paid in food stamps or something?


If I'm every making enough money to afford primo tickets to a Lakers game in L.A. and I show up to the Staples Center dressed like Bill Bixby in a 1970s episode of "The Incredible Hulk," you have permission to kill me by atomic wedgie.

Donte Stallworth: Since Footbawful is taking an offseason siesta, I have to mention this here. I never thought anybody would make Plaxico "I shot myself in the leg at a dance club and then tried to cover it up during a season in which my team was trying to defend its NFL title" Burress look not-as-stoopid this quickly. But that's what Stallworth -- who recently inked a seven-year, $35 million contract with the Cleveland Browns -- did when he struck and killed a pedestrian at seven in the morning while, you guessed it, driving under the influence. Seriously, when are professional athletes going to learn to stop jumping behind the wheel after a bender?

Labels: Ameer Ali, Dallas Mavericks, Danny Ainge, I had no idea Luke Walton could dunk, Jordan Hill, Los Angeles Lakers, Mo Williams, Portland Trail Blazers, Rick Carlisle, Ronny Turiaf

The Cleveland Craboliers: Welcome to a special AnacondaHL edition of WotN! And what better way to crack things open than with our favorite undersea crawlers. Their efficiency in a 32-point first quarter was split in half when they scored only 32 in the second half of a 99-88 loss. That is, a loss to a plucky Magic team using an 'Antoni style seven-man rotation and one Tony Battie with 11 minutes of lacktion. Without Big Z in the lineup, Anderson Varejao stood at center in Dwight Howard's crosshairs. After licking his chops, Superman went off for 22-18, leaving Floppyjao with a team-worst +/- score of -25...and only one notable flop in the 1st quarter.

The Orlando Magic: Having sucked the meat out of their opponent's exoskeleton, up 99-74 with 5:20 remaining, the Magic decided to shift into mid-season cruise control that would make the Spurs proud. This led to a 14-0 fourth quarter run that would make even the biggest Suns fans do a double-take at the jersey colors.

LeBron James: Fresh off a triple-double, our succulent Ohioan King Crab nearly feasted on a second helping, with 28 points, 8 boards and 8 assists. However, his buttery claws were 10-for-27 from the floor and a bitter 3-for-6 on the line. Two of those missed freebies came in the third, where a steamed James was cooked for attempting a crustacea-esque maneuver after a foul call. Thankfully, TNT's Marv Albert was quick to remind the audience that it was not, in fact, a crab dribble. James's potential bucket was waived, yet was given two foul shots despite the travel.

Here's a fun transcript of the conversation between Jameer Nelson and Bob Delaney after the shot:

Delaney: "Because he walks after he catches and after the foul so he gets two shots but he can't score a basket on a walk..."

Nelson: "But you can't...but you can't score a basket on a walk so why is he shooting?"

Delaney: "Because he's fouled in the act of shooting!"

Nelson (jokingly): "I don't agree with that...!"

Delaney: "Well that's okay...we all don't agree with everything in life."

Nelson: (Walking away chuckling, holding back face of disbelief.)

Maurice Williams: Cleveland's only All-Star made some obligatory supportive-of-teammate leadership comments in favor of Mo's inclusion to the weekend in Phoenix. "He deserves it. Look at our record. Look at the way he's playing. … I'll be really disappointed because he's part of the reason we've played the way we have, and he's put up the numbers."

Aww. I'm sure everyone with 17-4-3 (cough) and low popularity deserves a spot. Anyways, with news of this snub, and the inclusion of Jameer Nelson and the $118 million Lewis to the All-Star game, the scene was ripe for a revenge game. Mo responded accordingly with 12 points on 4-for-15 shooting and a technical foul.

Man-region grabbing dunks: A belayed WotN to Nate Robinson who joins Lamar Odom in the junk dunk contest. Worst NBA trend since those single warmer arm/leg sleeves.


The Phoenix Suns: We've seen this same story for five years now. The Phoenix Suns are 11-21 against the Spurs since 2004-05, including three playoff exits. And to make matters worse, the Suns lead the league this season in TOs (16.2) while the Spurs are near last (11.6). This is like seeing a video called monkey on goat on cup on tight rope, and still being amazed at what you're seeing despite the clarity of the title.

Intermission -- Fun Shaq Fhaqs: The Suns are 8-2 this season when The Big Cactus shoots 80% or better from the line? And are 16-5 when he shoots better than 60%? And that Shaq was 3-for-5 tonight? And Phoenix was 49.4% from the field versus SA's 46.1%? And Steve Nash had 9 assists and 0 turnovers in the first half? And Nash properly submitted his revenge game, having just been snubbed as an All-Star reserve, with 16 points and 18 assists?

So pretty obviously, the Suns lost 114-104. Did I forget to mention that the Spurs were 14-0 when scoring over 100 this season? Shaqfu went 5-for-14 with 6 rebounds and Ginobili went off for 30 points. Jason Richardson's inconsistency continued with only 7 points and 5 fouls, which contributed to Ginobili's 18-for-18 FT clinic.

Hack-A-Bowen: Tied 79-79, Phoenix pulled a mini Pops and started to intentionally foul Bruce "Lee" Bowen. Having shot only 8 all year, Bowen promptly sank 6 of 8 on the game. All that was missing was the greatest goofiest thumbs up ever.

Amare STAT: Ok, so his line wasn't that bad, as usual. 28-10 on 11-for-23 shooting would be great, if it wasn't Matt freaking Bonner guarding him. A double fail to Nash, who tripped over Stoudemire on a completely generic pick and roll with 48 seconds left as one of their five fourth quarter turnovers, cementing the show like the goat walking off the tight rope via ladder.

The NBA: Where cop a feel happens.
Officiating: In addition to the plethora of confused looks on players' faces, technical fouls were called on Duncan, Nash, Shaq, and Stoudemire in effort to keep things from getting too feisty. Of course it didn't help that the Phoenix crowd was still pissed about everything that's happened in the last three years and were booing louder than I've ever heard any crowd boo on TV. The home court was promptly rewarded with a 25-to-44 free throw disparity.

Jim Beam commercial: TNT has become infamous among the NBA viewers crowd for their repetitive awful commercials. Well the major showing of tonight was this borderline NSFW Jim Beam commercial. Despite probably being the greatest commercial of 2009, there's just something unnerving about the lack of cleverness, her voice, her appearance, and the number of Lakers fans making comments on the video. Well, at least it's better than Kira Sedgewzczbiak's mug in my face. Needless to say, I will now purchase a bottle and drink it for 1.5 years, complaining to my imaginary too-perfect girlfriend about how bad the Suns are and remembering the good old days. And she won't care if I go to a strip club afterwards.

Update! TNT: Basketbawful here making one small addition to AnacondaHL's fantastic post. Received this email from Nick A.: "Saw this on the TNT Web site, thought of your blog. Notice that Game 2 is listed as the 'Sours @ Suns.' It seems inappropriate: Given Phoenix's play this season, shouldn't they be the 'Sours'? Maybe Chuck has been relegated to the web team."


Kobe Bryant: Mamba hacked Luke Walton's iPhone to sporadically activate iFart. He charged Luke's account to pay for the app. And then ate a puppy.

About the author: AnacondaHL is a grizzled Internet veteran who watches in despair as his favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, struggles towards June 2010. When not wasting time at his Clark Kent job to read BasketBawful, he can be found playing the Internet computer game du jour, learning how to make small talk at said job by watching some other TV shows, wondering why the Diamonbacks have seven team colors, and browsing other obscure things on the Internet. He hopes someday to learn four languages, discover the Higgs boson, name the largest number in the world after himself, have an intelligent conversation about anime with someone, and to eat a crab grown in Akron.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, guest author, Lebron James, man-region grabbing dunks, Mo Williams, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

I received a few e-mails asking why I ignored the Milwaukee Bucks in yesterday's Worst of the Weekend post. The answer I gave was that the Bucks have fallen so far from grace this season that they'd have to do something really bad -- maybe even historically bad -- to get mentioned here. Well, I was wrong. Here's an e-mail from Basketbawful reader AirCanada:

"I was pretty disappointed to see that in yesterday's post there was no mention of Miwaukee's big (or more like forced) summer re-signing! None other than Sir Mo Williams, who missed the game against the Pacers with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) Here's a little Wiki-research: In males, the suspensory ligament of the penis attaches to the pubic symphysis. In females, the pubic symphysis is intimately close to the clitoris. Which could lead us to confirm what we've long suspected: Mo is like a lot of other NBA players (Jason Williams, Vince Carter, etc.): Just another big pussy!"

I don't know what to say. Uhm...wow? I would, however, really like to find out the exact details about how Mo injured his "pubic symphysis." Not because I'm some drooling pervert who wants to discover the dark secrets of an NBA player's groinal activity (I'm strictly a non-drooling pervert). I'd just like to avoid injuring my various upper-penile cartilaginous joints. It sounds wicked painful.

Update! More super-sleuthing from Basketbawful reader Mithat, who -- unlike me -- can read an entire Wikipedia entry in one sitting. "I think Mo is not a pussy but his dick is small. Check the second paragraph below (from Wiki by the way)."

From the Suspensory ligament of the penis entry: "In males, the suspensory ligament of the penis is attached to the pubic symphysis, which holds the penis close to the pubic bone and supports it when erect.

"Surgically cutting [the pubic symphysis] allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. The ligament is then encouraged to heal in an extended state, promoting a longer penis overall. Until this ligament is properly healed, the penis cannot achieve a high angle of erection when engorged."

Well, there you have it. Mystery solved. Mo just wants a little more length to please the ladies with. (Or the boys. We don't judge or discriminate here, unless you're named "Kobe.") There's no crime in that. Although I'm sure the Bucks would have preferred for him to wait until after the season was over. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a surgery to schedule.

Labels: fan submissions, Milwaukee Bucks, Mo Williams, penis, pubic symphysis