For those who are not yet following the amazing Hardwood Paroxysm on Twitter, here's a recap of the breaking insanity in Orlando:

12:45 PM EST - CBS Sports reports via the New York Times's Howard Beck that Stan Van Gundy tells press Pumaman Dwight Howard has asked for the outspoken coach to be fired.  Seconds later, Dwight walks up to him and puts his arm around the bench boss in a vote of "confidence."

Since then, HP has retweeted quite a few gems on the developing situation, while...THE OFFICIAL ORLANDO MAGIC WEBSITE HAS JUST ACTUALLY POSTED A VIDEO OF THIS.  And CBS has graciously provided full quotes for those who need more evidence that even Bill Russell never was this sullen.

To quote Timothy B. Schmit of the Eagles, "Nothing's wrong as far as I can see!!!!!!!"


And now on to the retweets:

- HP himself compares this central Florida workplace to Office Space, leading to quite a few comedic lines!!!!

- Marc Stein points out that this is basically a point-of-no-return for Stan.

- Someone comments they really DO want to hear The Big Voskuhl, er, Shaq Fu's input on this.

- With Mr. Howard's obvious choking history, and locker room toxicity, one wonders why he is not disliked as much as King Crab.  In similar vein is this wry analysis by Ken Berger of CBS.

- A comparison between this and Magic Johnson getting Paul Westhead fired in LA - oh, except Magic had a title AND Finals MVP already.  Again, watch the Youtube at top to see what Pumaman has so far for "signature Finals performances."

- The Orlando Pinstriped Post blog provides comprehensive coverage of the unfolding mess.

- Maybe Magic management regrets this whole, "let's tell Stan" thing.

- Stan knows where he stands: "It’s 12:02 right now. If they want to fire me at 12:05, I’ll go home and find something to do. I’ll have a good day."




- Not forgotten: Stan's past coaching travails in the Sunshine State.

- A silver lining to all of this - BETTER TV COMMENTARY.

- HP himself not exactly impressed with those Magic fans who think Mr. Howard has handled the situation with class, decorum, and tact.

- Some guy from the Wall Street Journal found today's press junket...awkward.

- From Holly MacKenzie - Tony Allen defends his coach!  And Holly appreciates Stan's Pepsi swag.

Yeah.  What an hour this has been.  The National Basketball Association: It's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:49 PM EST - Latest HP retweet - now both Van Gundy and his team are NOT making themselves available for the media in the usual pre-game slot.  Locker room closed.  Interesting that they all were rather willing to open their mouths just 5 hours ago...

7:46 PM EST - HP now retweets this rather obvious note, that Stan has felt the demands and pressure from Pumaman ALL season long.

8:43 PM EST - Just saw this quote from lacktion artist Ishmael Smith:

“My mom loves soap operas, so for me to be a part of one is pretty special,” Smith joked. 

Labels: coaches who are dead inside, double standards, Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic, pumaman, Stan Van Gundy

Wait...what?
The Orlando Magic: Seriously, Orlando Magic? Seriously? This game was so ugly for the Celtics I stopped watching in disgust part way into the third quarter when Paul Pierce and, like, three Celtics I barely recognized were running around like little, headless chickens. Later, I texted a friend something along the lines of "Fuckin' Celtics" and receilved the following reply:

Celtics won.

(Actually, the reply said "Clerics won." Thank you, Autocorrect.)

I was stunned beyond words. And so were the Basketbawful faithful:

You wanna talk bawful? Orlando has blown a 27-point lead and is now down 3 with 7:33 to go, to the Boston Geezers-I mean, Celtics. Can the Magic successfully turn this into a loss, and snatch wretched defeat from the jaws of a blowout? Stay tuned! Glen Davis is currently building his CV, he apparently is interested in switching careers from "professional cryer/eater" to "master bricklayer".
--The Other Chris

This is a truly auspicious and magnificent bawfulcomplishment by the Magicians. Their last possession featured Hedo "Ball" Turkopoopoo dribbling around aimlessly for a while, almost turning the ball over, and then getting his terrible 20-footer blocked as the shot clock expired. The Celtics defence is fantastic, but ye gods the Orlando offense is.. well, offensive.
--The Other Chris (again)

The Celtics were behind 58-37 at halftime. They proceed to dominate in the fourth quarter 27-8, with Orlando only scoring 5 points for the first 11:15 of the 4th. No, none of these are typos. And did anyone else witness that great moment in inbounding with about 30 seconds left? :D
chris

Oops I Did It Again should become the Magic's official team song.
--Bing

Magic are up 27 points Vs. the Celtics and end up losing by 8. I'm sure Dwight is just itching to sign a long term deal with them after this crap. And oh yea, guess Kryptonite isn't the only green thing that can stop Dwight Howard.
--Sturla

Magic's FG% was way too high this game. If they really want to out do their previous bawful effort, they need to suck for full 48 minutes instead of pretending to play for first 2 quarters. Seriously though, sad Orlando is sad.
--JJ

You wanna talk bawful fail of epictacular proporations? Boston ripped off a 15-1 run to start the fourth quarter. During that montage of crap, Orlando shot 0-for-7 from the field, went 1-for-6 at the free throw line, and bumbled the ball alway three times.

That 27-point choke was the Magician's biggest gag-job since losing a 22-point lead to the Mavericks...back in 2001.

Did I mention that the Celtics were still without Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen? (And Jermain "The Drain" O'Neal for that matter.) Or that Boston rookie E'Twaun Moore scored as many points (16) as Dwight Howard?

Said Stan Van Grumpy: "Their pressure, again, really pushed us sideways. We got frustrated with the officials and we got totally off our game."

Frustrated with the officials. Despite a 31-19 free throw advantage. And Boston's last eight FTAs were forced fouls. I'm just sayin'.

More facts from ESPN Stats and Information:

The Boston Celtics overcame a 27-point deficit to beat the Orlando Magic on Thursday, the largest deficit the Celtics have overcome and the largest lead the Magic have blown in any game in the past 16 seasons (as far back as we can go).

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, NBA teams had won their previous 282 games in which they led by at least 27 points, dating to December 21, 2009.

This comes three nights after the Magic scored a franchise-low 56 points on a franchise-low 24.6 percent shooting -- in another loss to the Celtics. Orlando scored 58 points in the first half alone on Thursday, but the second half more resembled Monday’s awful performance.

Elias tells us the Celtics allowed only 45 second-half points over their past two games combined: 20 on Monday and 25 on Thursday, both against the Magic. That’s the fewest second-half points allowed over a two-game span in the NBA’s shot-clock era. The previous low was 46 second-half points allowed over a two-game span by Detroit in 2003-04.

Orlando led 32-16 after the first quarter, but scored fewer points in each successive quarter, tallying just eight in the fourth. That’s the fewest fourth-quarter points they’ve scored in the past 15 seasons.

The Magic are averaging just 69.5 points per game in two games against the Celtics this season and 97.3 ppg in their other 16 games.

Lastly, Elias tells us that it’s just the third time in the shot-clock era that an NBA team scored more points in the first half than they did in the entire game in their previous matchup against that team that season.

Said Howard: "We thought it was going to be easy after the first two quarters."


And this is also why you fail:


Kevin Garnett, quote machine: Two words: Bar fight.


The Memphis Grizzlies: Let's see:

35.7 percent shooting? Check.

Giving up 24 points off 17 turnovers? Check.

Yeah, that'll earn you a loss on the road against the Clippers.

Said Care Bears coach Lionel Hollins: "We couldn't get any stops down the stretch. We were within three, and every time they came back down, they got it back to five. We never got a stop where we could get a chance to take the lead."

Huh. I guess I see what he's sayin'...but when your team shoots less than 36 percent from the field and gives the opposition a quarter of their points by throwing the ball away, your down-the-stretch defense is probably the least of your problems.

Rudy Gay, "I'm not givin' the other guys any credit" machine: "None of it was their defense. It was us. I mean, they do have some long athletic big men that alter a couple of shots. But for the most part, we were getting good shots and just weren't knocking them down."



Chris' One-Line Lacktion Ledger: Greg Stiemsma barely assisted with Boston's big comeback, putting up a paltry assist and two blocks in 7:18 that were easily countered by a turnover and four fouls for a 5:0 Voskuhl.

Labels: Memphis Grizzlies, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

That silly Dwyane Wade... Always on the cutting edge of fashion with his crazy accessories!
If you haven't already done so, go read Bawful's stuff over at TrueHoop from today.

Quick complaint: Tomorrow is the annual rivalry grudge match between the University of Louisville and University of Kentucky basketball teams. So of course it's at noon on a weekday when I'll be at work since New Year's Eve is only a kinda sorta holiday. Great planning there, guys.

Here's an interesting NY Times piece on the "Mark Price Shooting Lab." The money quote from the article:

“I can’t think of a single guy who hasn’t improved working with us,” Kreutzer said.

Betterment cannot always be measured statistically. The season after Rondo’s graduation, his 3-point shooting declined 10 percentage points and his free-throw percentage by 2 points. His 2-point number rose by almost 2 percentage points.

This year, Rajon’s field-goal figures are improved. But his free-throw shooting has plunged to 43 percent, suggesting he may need a checkup.

So you can't measure how much better someone's shooting is by their shooting percentage? I think we need to reconsider the defintion of "better" shooting.

The best part about Tyreke the Freak's half-court buzzer beater? Check out Donte Green's reaction. He KNEW that shot was going in. What does this mean? We finally have proof that Donte Green is the real-life version of Biff Tannen. I wonder how much he wants for his copy of Gray's Sports Almanac...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Don't let that beard touch me, man! It's like 180 grit sandpaper!"

"God, this is worse than watching an episode of That 80s Show"

The sadness, it is overwhelming!

Nationally Televised Games:
Knicks at Magic, TNT, 7pm: I don't know about you, but after yesterday's video, I plan on watching Stan Van Gundy's face whenever Hedo shoots a jumper. Guaranteed entertainment!

Spurs at Mavericks, 9:30pm: Dallas is one of the few teams who have cracked the code to beating the Spurs this year. Unfortunately for them, Dirk is still banged up and will not play tonight. As far as MVP talks go, doesn't Dirk need to be pretty high on that list? The Mavericks look just godawful without him most of the time.

All The Other Games:
Jazz at Frail Blazers, 10pm: File this one under "things that make no sense and threaten to destroy my brain (or at least the parts of it I still use)" -- the Utah Jazz are 6-2 on the second night of back-to-backs this season. And you could make that number 7-2 if they win tonight. DOES NOT COMPUTE. This goes against everything we've ever been taught as basketball fans.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Dallas Mavericks, Dwyane Wade, Orlando Magic

Yeah, watching your team shoot 35% will do that to you
[Editor's note: Dan B. filling in today while Bawful takes care of some more important stuff. Consider this just a Worst of the Worst of the Night highlights post, but hey, it's still more effort than you got from the Magic last night!

The Orlando Magic: Well, so much for getting off to a running start. The Magic trotted out a brand new roster featuring Gilbert Arenas, Jason Richardson, and Hedo Turkoglu -- all of whom never even got to practice with the team before their first game -- against Atlanta last night, but it didn't matter. Seventh loss in eight games.

Things were ugly right from the start, with the Dirty Birds holding the Magic to a season low 14 points in the first quarter on a woeful 25% shooting effort. Remember, these are the same Dirty Birds that let a Celtics team giving Luke Harangody meaningful minutes drop 53% shooting on them just a few nights ago. Uh oh.

Beyond that, this was a game-long exercise in futility. The Magic also managed to toss up a variety of bricks for the entire first eight minutes of the fourth quarter, not hitting a single field goal in that entire stretch. The final total for the game was a 35.2% shooting percentage, including a 23.5% effort from downtown. The Magic were less effective than the Putty Patrol in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

The worst offender was Gilbert Arenas, coming off the bench for a 2-for-11 effort from the field. It's like Vince Carter never left! In fact, it's not like very much changed. The gameplan still revolved around relying on Dwight Howard doing his thing in the paint, and everyone else throwing up long-range jumpshots.

Speaking of the Pumaman, Dwight Howard did have a fairly solid outing, with 19 points and 20 rebounds. Though to be fair, with that many bonked jumpers, there were enough available rebounds that the Ben Wallace Inflatable Defender would have gotten four or five boards. Also looking at just the offensive boards, Brandon Bass grabbed one offensive rebound to Pumaman's five, but that doesn't sound too bad compared to the rest of the team. Those were the only two Magic players to grab ANY offensive rebounds.

Al Horford, reality check machine: "They have the same kind of team. They're shooters. They're the same team but with different players."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "Look, they're out there trying hard, just none of them played well. Nobody could shoot the ball. ... I'm sure they had a lot of emotions and stuff going on. It was a long night."

The Miami Heat: And boom goes the winning streak.

SAD FACE
This was a game of runs. Both teams struggled back-and-forth through shooting woes. For example, the Heat had one trip down the floor that lasted 52 seconds and consisted of eight shots before Mario Chalmers drained a three pointer. Mike Miller started the possession with a defensive rebound, and managed to get two more offensive rebounds before it ended.

Dang.
But in the end, Dirk Nowitzki continued to do Dirk-like things and put down a 26 point line to help the Mavs win their 14th consecutive regular season game against the Heat. So much for a revenge game.

Dirk may have gone 0-for-5 in the final dozen minutes of the game, but the Heat let Jason Terry go into beast mode in the fourth quarter, with Terry scoring all 19 of his points in an 11 minute stretch of dominance. As noted in the AP recap:

Terry has spoken often about how losing to Miami in the 2006 NBA finals still upsets him.

So while shooting at the East end of the court -- the one over which the Heat championship banner softly sways -- he put on a fourth-quarter show.

So maybe we did get a revenge game out of this after all. Not quite what I had planned, but I'll take it.

Jason Terry, quote machine: (After Rick Carlisle joked at halftime that a then-scoreless Terry was "still at the hotel) "I told him I thought the bus was at 8:45, 9:00. But thanks for coming back and getting me."

LeBron James: Lebron played only a dozen first half minutes thanks to foul trouble. And during that time, he put up as many points as Yi Jianlian's chair -- zero. Yes, he came back for a 19 point effort in the second half, but that's still downright bawful for the self-proclaimed Chosen One. He only outscored Mario friggin' Chalmers by 6.

As noted by an anonymous commenter last night:

"The problem is that Wade is a weak outside shooter, Lebron is a weak outside shooter, Bosh tends not to shoot from outside 18 feet (except when the game is almost over), if Z isn't in the game, their center position is an offensive non-entity. 1 shooter is always on the court.So this leaves 4 guys to cover the same area of paint. Lebron tries to bull rush his way in and suddenly there are 2 guys waiting for him. So he takes a jumper and (more often than not) clanks it."

Also, as very succintly noted by stephanie g,

Miami's problem in a nutshell: bigs can't post, smalls can't shoot.

And this pretty well sums it up. LeBron's lack of post moves limit him to shooting long twos or driving the lane, but when everybody's just standing around and nobody's commanding close coverage behind the arc, LeBron doesn't really have room to drive to the hoop, and the result is a mid-range jumper clanking off the side of the rim from any of the five guys on the court.

No Ring King perhaps said it best in the comments this morning:

Asking LeBron to post up is like asking Vince Carter to be aggressive or Andray Blatche to stop thinking he's a point guard. It makes complete sense and everyone else in the world can see it, but it's never going to happen.

NBA.com, stat curse machine: As noted by Preveen in BAD comments,

I call major statcurse. Quote: "16 -- Uh-oh. Maybe they are good. The Heat just have to finish up 52-1 to still break the Bulls' record of 72 wins. Who's gonna beat them?"

Dammit!

Don't lose hope! Now they just need to finish 52-0! They can still do it!!

ESPN's headline writers: As noted by Karc in BAD comments,

Stupid headline from ESPN: "Dirk, Mavs conspire to snap Heat's streak at 12."

Conspire, really? A 22-4 team needed some sort of advanced trickery to beat a team they already beat on the road weeks before? A team with 8 losses against good teams winning one on the road against a good team was supposed to happen, I guess.

Seriously, Jason Terry lit up the Heat in the 4th. Can't that be the headline. You know, something clever like "JET blows by/burns the Heat." But no, ESPN's chosen wang-sucking team needed a good team to CONSPIRE to beat them.
(Eh, my bad, Miami was the home team. But I stand by the rest of my stuff.)

Come on, now. Of course the Mavs "conspired" to beat the Heat. Those jobbers went against the NBA's script! Don't worry, I'm sure Stern will, ahem, take care of things shortly.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Jazz-Cavs: Francisco Elson found that two boards and one field goal made in 11:32 do not stand in the way of a ledger spot - not when you get 5 fouls for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Fellow bebopper Ronnie Price bricked once from the Terminal Tower in 5:04 and also lost the rock for a +2 suck differential.

For Cleveland, Jamario Moon eclipsed his teammates by bricking twice and fouling once in 7:11 for a +3. Manny Harris and Samardo Samuels (despite a board by the latter) each spent 38 seconds head-to-head on their rectangular gray gamepads as MARIO BROTHERS!

Bobcats-Generals: Nazr Mohammed went 50% from the field...only to litter his 9:44 with four fouls, a rejection, and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Also earning a ratio was DeSagana Diop, dropping three fouls and two giveaways in 17:23 against one field goal and two boards for the same 5:4 as Mohammed.

Washington's Hilton Armstrong checked into the Watergate Hotel with four fouls and a giveaway (despite 100% from the stripe in two tries, and two boards) in 12:50 to be the third player with a 5:4.

Suns-Spurs: Ime Udoka united with Toad and Yoshi in 16 seconds for a Mario.

Bucks-Frail Blazers: Armon Johnson hammered out a foul in 3:10 for a +1.

Wolves-Clippers: Darko Milicic was manna tonight for Minnesota - if one feeds off of appearances in the lacktion report, as despite a block in 4:43 as starting big man, he fouled twice for a 2:0 Voskuhl. Sebastian Telfair blasted out a brick and rejection in 2:57 for a +2.

Belated Weekend Lacktion Report:
Friday:

Cavs-Pacers: Ryan Hollins had an amazing 129 seconds of fail - one brick, one rejection, one turnover AND two fouls for a +5 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Heat-Knicks: Joel Anthony went 100% from the field (in one shot in 20:23) and also had two boards, only to foul four times and lose the rock once for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Celebrating as well were Eddie House with one turnover in 4:11 for a +1, and Jamaal Magloire, who in 2:56 gave up the rock twice and foul once for a +3 that also netted a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For New York, Ronny Turiaf treated himself to one rebound in 4:01, but also turned out to be in possession of one foul and one giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Bobcats-Hawks: Matt Carroll walked into a lacktion wonderland after a foul in 3:26 for a +1, while Zaza Pachulia came within 2 fouls of earning himself some wealth, only to end up with a +2 in 2:12 that also notched a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Pistons: Jarron Collins jaunted into the underground floor of a dark castle for 57 seconds to earn a Mario.

Jazz-Hornets: David Andersen tossed a brick in 3:09 and added one foul for a +2 that notched a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Purple Paupers-Thunder: Royal Ivey can now re-upholster his throne with the finest gold after collecting a celebratory 1.8 trillion (1:48)!

Grizzlies-Rockets: Brad Miller scrappily had an assist and block in 12:22, only to brick thricely (twice from the stripe) and foul three times too for a 3:0 Voskuhl. Patrick Patterson clutchly fouled once in 3:08 for a +1.

Suns-Mavs: Brian Cardinal clearly had the same insider tips that Mark Cuban had, as evidenced by a 2 trillion (2:01) capital gain!

Wolves-Frail Blazers: Nikola Pekovic pounced on pesos with a 2 trillion (2:01), while for the infirmary by the Willamette, Joel Przybilla provided a +2 in 8:29 via foul and giveaway also worthy of a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Saturday:

Sixers-Magic: Spencer Hawes had himself one successful shot (out of 7) in 25:46 as starting center for Philadelphia...only to lose the rock twice and foul out for a 8:4 Voskuhl.

Heat-Generals: Lots of Wii access in Washington as Eddie House celebrated with a castle rescue mission for 7 seconds for a Super Mario, while Alonzo Gee gathered up toadstools in 33 seconds for a regular Mario.

Clippers-Bulls: Jarron Collins claimed one foul in 3:33 for a +1 and a Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Chicago's Kurt Thomas tenderly took down a trio of boards and a field goal and free throw in 16:14...only to foul out and lose the rock once for a 7:6 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Bucks: Ronnie Price is right after a 5 trillion (5:02) for the beboppers, accompanied by a 45-second riff in Mario Paint from Kyrylo Fesenko. Despite one made shot, Jon Brockman gave the Bucks 27 seconds under the scope of a laughing dog for a Mario.

Grizzlies-Spurs: Hasheem "The 2nd Overall Dream" Thabeet took one foul in 2:10 for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Tiago Splitter divided his statline between positive (two assists) and negative (1 foul) in 8:07 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl of his own.

Wolves-Nuggets: Melvin Ely made one board in 2:39, but negated it with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Sunday:

Pacers-Celtics: Avery Bradley played the game of lacktion life tonight by bricking thricely (twice from the stripe) in 5:32 for a +3.

Von Wafer continues to collect enough for a round trip on the Masachussetts Turnpike after a 1.55 trillion (1:33).

Hawks-Nyets: Zaza Pachulia couldn't hold on to the rock tiwce and fouled once in 2:26 for a +3 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, while for New Jersey, Johan Petro countered a perfect shooting percentage (on one shot) in 3:01 and a board with three fouls and a giveaway for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Pistons: Quincy Pondexter pointed at one foul in 4:07 for a +1, while David Andersen can account for his finances after an exact 2.2 trillion (2:12).

Suns-Thunder: Serge Ibaka slotted himself in Oklahoma City's starting big man spot, earning 11:26 of hardwood time...in which he bricked twice and also fouled and lost the rock once each for a +4 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Labels: lacktion report, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night

Dwight needed a hug after the way his team quit on him last night.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Good teams find a way to win, right? Well, here at Basketbawful, we prefer to say that bad teams find a way to lose.

Enter the world of the Philadelphia 76ers.

Yeah, yeah, I know. They'd won four of their last five games. Excuse me for not being all that impressed by victories over the Nyets, Frail Blazers (during their six-game losing streak), Bobcraps and Cavaliers.

Facing a Celtics team that was playing on the road on the second night of back-to-back games without their first, second and third-string centers, the Sixers gave it everything they had. As long as you don't consider "putting a hand in a face" a part of "everything." Boston lit Philly up: 56 percent from the field and 58 percent from beyond the arc. I mean, it really did look like the C's got pretty much whatever shots they wanted.

Semih Erden -- the starting center by default -- was 2-for-2.

Still, the Sixers were persistent and the Celtics just couldn't shake them. There were 14 lead changes in the fourth quarter. It pissed me off. I'm guessing that was how Lakers fans felt on Wednesday night when it took a last second shot to pull out a win against the Clippers.

The Celtics followed the same script. Or maybe they were emulating the Milwaukee Bucks from their win against the Pacers. Eh, whatever. What happened was this. Andre Iguodala hit a running hook shot with 6.6 seconds left to give Philly a 101-100 lead. Boston responded...like this:


I know it wasn't easy. I know that. But damn if Philly's defense didn't make it look easy. Nobody ever even touched Kevin Garnett on that play.

The Sixers had 1.4 seconds left to counter, but KG stole the inbounds pass. Well, okay, it was thrown right to him. Game over.

Said Garnett: "Rajon threw a perfect pass and I just banked it. The crazy part about all that is that I messed that play up so many times in practice. It's only right that the basketball gods gave it to me tonight."

The sound you just heard was the basketball gods going "whaaaaaa...?"

Added Doc Rivers: "We worked on that last week. We tried to run it early and had bad timing. It's just funny how things work out. It's a low-clock play. The ball's in the best passer's hands, and you have shooters on the floor. The whole sell was Paul Pierce and it worked."

Said Doug Collins: "What a heartbreaking loss. To play so hard and so well. That Celtics team is so good, so well-coached, and they have so many different ways that they can attack you on the offensive end. It was just a shame. It would have been an incredible win for us here. We had a great crowd tonight, and we had some good plays. I just feel so badly for our guys."

Doug Collins, pre-game quote machine: Maybe this was why the Sixers kept things so close: "I'm hoping our guys are going to take this as a great chance to see how exciting it is to be on TNT, and obviously I'm selling TNT here a little bit."

Reggie Miller, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Bryan: "Quality announcing by Reggie Miller after Ray Allens 3-pointer with a minute to go: 'You dont leave him wide open on a wide open 3-pointer.'"

The New Jersey Nyets: Nyets-Mavericks was more human interest story than basketball game. Avery Johnson made his emotional return to Dallas. There were hugs and handshakes and, for all I know, pre-game handjobs all around. But all the lovey-dovey feelings didn't make the Nyets not the Nyets, you know?

New Jersey -- minus rookie Derrick Favors (bruised thigh) and forced to play the final three quarters without Devin Harris (sprained shoulder) -- fell behind by as many as 18 points in the second quarter and by as many as 21 early in the second half. Then the Nyets got aggressive and went to the line 18 times in the third quarter. Yeah, you read that correctly. It was like a case of road cookin'.

I guess the officials felt sorry for Avery. He is coaching New Jersey after all.

Anyway, the Nyets got the deficit down to single digits (81-73) early in the fourth quarter, but I think we all knew how this was going to end, right? When your opponents shoots 55 percent to your 41 percent, and you're the New Jersey Nyets, the outcome is practically preordained.

Screamed Johnson: "IT WAS PRETTY EMOTIONAL. A LOT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE HERE TONIGHT...BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING SOME OF THE GUYS."

The Nyets are now 6-17. They've lost six in a row and 11 straight on the road. And their next game is against the Lakers. Sorry, guys.

As for the Mavs, they're now 18-4 and have an interesting five-game stretch coming up: Utah, Milwuakee, Portland, Phoenix and then at Miami.

The Orlando Magic: The Magic and Pumaman versus the Frail Blazers and the Ghost of Greg Oden. Now guess which team outrebounded the other 47-40 (including 13-6 on the offensive glass) and had a 50-34 scoring edge in the paint?

The Frail Blazers of course.

Mount Saint Howard erupted all over the Frail Blazers last night: 13-for-20 from the field, 13-for-18 from the line, 39 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocked shots and a steal. To bad his teammates didn't make the trip to Portland with him. Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter combined to go 10-for-36 from the field and 3-for-13 from downtown. Quentin Richardson played 18 scoreless minutes. Brandon Bass scored zero points in 13 minutes. Chris Duhon -- Orlando's key offseason acquisition -- finished with 2 points and 2 assists in 16 minutes.

Etc.

According to the AP recap: "Magic coach Stan Van Gundy sequestered his team behind closed doors well after the game."

Ooo, I bet that was fun.

Said Van Gundy: "We have to play the game better, and we have to play it with a lot more energy, alertness and cohesiveness."

Countered Howard: "You can't coach energy. You can't coach hard work. It comes from a player. If you don't want to play hard, you've got to sit down and let somebody else step up."

I'm not sure whether he said that while looking directly at Vince and Rashard, but he probably should have.

The Magic have now lost three in a row after winning six straight. They still have a decent record...but they just don't look very good. Carter and Lewis

Ron Artest, charitable quote machine: On his plan to donate "either all or some" of his 2010-11 salary to charities to benefit mental health awareness: "It's fun, it's exciting. It's almost like a basketball game because it's that exciting. It feels like dunking on somebody, and I don't dunk much. It's just exciting and it's weird. It's a weird excitement. It's not like fun and games because it's a real issue, but for me, it's exciting to be a part of. It's going to make an impact. It will snowball. It will have a domino effect later. It will have a domino effect real, real soon once people see exactly what's going on."

I hope those snowballs domino for you, Ron. I really do.

Bonus stats: Two Lakers are in the Top 10 in Win Shares: Pau Gasol and...Lamar Odom. Two Heat players are also in the Top 10: LeBron James and...Chris Bosh.

Newsflash: The Knicks are winning by scoring. Now here's the bad news I've been talking about: The Knicks have had the second-easiest schedule so far this season. They have the second-toughest schedule the rest of the way.

Chris's TNT Thursday Lacktion Report:

Magic-Frail Blazers: Marcin Gortat had exactly 5 minutes to drop a rebound and assist...only to raise Stan Van Gundy's blood pressure some with a brick, two turnovers, and a foul for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

For Portland, Patrick Mills churned out a pair of bricks from Pioneer Courthouse Square and lost the rock once there for a +3 suck differential in 5:10, while Sean Marks made 2.4 trillion (2:24) worth of celebratory moolah!

Labels: New Jersey Nets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

Look out, Pau! Zombie Omer Asik is coming for your brains!
I love basketball. Check out the story behind this seven overtime Division III thriller. Then check out the box score and notice that two players managed to get one trillions in this game. Glorious! Also, you have to appreciate Lance Spratling's 0-for-13 effort from downtown in the 75 minute effort he gave his team. (Yes, he played 75 minutes. That is not a typo.)

My favorite photoshop of the day? The one of AK-47 having an orgy with several mascots in this post at Food Court Lunch.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"I better carry this football around so nobody confuses me for a Nyets player!"

Huh. I barely recognized John Kuester without his palm pressed against his face

Nationally Televised Games:
Heat at Magic, ESPN, 7:30pm: Going down the checklist, the Heat are lacking size, injured, have questionable chemistry, and the Magic will be in full revenge-game mode after they got stomped earlier this season. This could be fun!

All The Other Games:
Bucks at Cavaliers, 7pm: We've got two struggling teams working three game losing streaks. And it's certainly understandable why Milwaukee isn't winning. NBA-worst shooting percentage and fewer points per game is not a good way to win games, no matter how good your defense is. You still have to score more points than the other team. Do they understand this? Does Scott Skiles need to call a team meeting to remind them about basic fundamentals of math?

76ers at Craptors, 7pm: I get that the Craptors are "rebuilding" since they no longer have Chris Bosh to be, well, like a Bosh. That being said, can you really count acquiring Jerryd Bayless and Peja Stojakovic as "rebuilding?" Oh well, it doesn't matter. They're still better than Philly. Barely.

Knicks at Bobcraps, 7pm: As pointed out by Mike Mai in WOTN comments, the Knicks are on a 4 game winning streak. Their next 4 opponents: Dirty Birds, Pissed-Ons, Nyets, and tonight they play the Bobcraps. It's very possible they can reel off an eight game win streak and destroy the universe in the process. I'm scared.

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: Rondo's out again, and I'd just like to remind everyone that the Celtics somehow managed to lose to last year's horrific version of the Nyets. Ugghhhhhhhh. Can they possibly get a third consecutive big game out of Nate Robinson?

Spurs at Timberwolves, 8pm: I don't care if Darko's caught on fire like a barrel full of oily rags in an oxygen chamber. The Timberwolves are allowing over 110 points per game, and the Spurs are the kind of smart, brutal team that will step on your throat when they get you down. I expect a blowout here, period. So, yes, when the Spurs manage to lose this game or something, I give you full permission to point and laugh at me.

Mavericks at Thunder, 8pm: I'm not going to lie -- I'm disappointed this game isn't on ESPN instead of the Heat-Magic game.

Pistons at Grizzlies, 8pm: Good news, Grizzlies fans! You have the cheapest average ticket price in the NBA! Not that you should pay that kind of price to see this game, but still.

Warriors at Rockets, 8:30pm: Remember the last time these two met up? They combined for 260 points. Pro tip: stopping the other team from scoring is sometimes a good idea, guys.

Bulls at Suns, 9pm: Okay, the Circus Trip is bound to be wearing the Bulls down by this point. I understand. That being said, have you seen Phoenix play defense this year? No, of course you haven't. Nobody has.

Hornets at Jazz, 9pm: This is not a good time to face Chris Paul. His team just lost a trap game to the friggin' Clippers. That's embarrassing. They will be out for blood. Be careful, Utah. New Orleans is gonna come out swinging and looking to knock them out like Sergio Martinez did to Paul Williams the other night.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Orlando Magic

Want a picture that tells you everything you need to know aboutthe Washington Wizards Generals? Well, here you go.
The Washington Wizards Generals: I'm not going to sugarcoat this: The Wizards Generals got their asses kicked so hard that Nike could use their butts as shoe molds. I've seen coffee shop floor mats with fewer footprints on them. Based on what I witnessed last night, this Generals squad could give "roll over and die" lessons to Vince Carter...who was in his standard "I'm great in nearly meaningless regular season games against crap teams" mode (18 points, 8-for-12, 5 boards).

Unlike the Celtics, the Magic apparently take lesser teams pretty seriously. To wit: Washington shot 37 percent (compared to Orlando's 55 percent), got outrebounded 53-25 (including 11-3 on the offensive glass) and was outscored 56-28 in the colored rectangle.

The Magic led by as many as 35 points before settling for a 112-83 win. Now imagine how lopsided the final score would have been if Orlando hadn't missed 14 free throws and given up 29 points of 21 turnovers.

Dwight Howard's foul shooting: The line: 9-for-19. Roughly the same number most guys in my pickup league could hit by accident.

John Wall: As Basketbawful reader LotharBot pointed out, Wall had a Calvin Murphy in his debut with 14 points and 9 assists. Sure, a lot of those points and assists were racked up during garbage time, but it's still a decent debut. Right? I mean, check out this killer crossover:


I'll say this much: The kid's a shooter. And by "shooter" I don't mean that Wall provides consistent, high-percentage, long-range jump shooting. I mean he apparently loves shooting the Eddy Curry loves Twinkies. Wall jacked up 11 of his team's first 24 shot attempts. He it three of 'em. Wall -- who, I should remind you, is Washington's starting point guard -- finished 6-for-19 on a night in which none of his teammates attempted more than nine shots.

The best part? Wall's first NBA points came off a goal tend by Brandon Bass.

But hey, I guess that's what happens when rookies are mentored by Gilbert Arenas. Speaking of which...

Gilbert Arenas: After missing most of the past three seasons due to injury and suspension, Mr. "I signed a contract for only $111 million to help my team" Arenas missed the game with strained blah blah blah in his blah blah blah. Does it really matter what's wrong with Gil this time? His contract was a bigger waste of time and money than Eddy Curry's copy of P90X.

Andray Blatche: Last year's late-season fantasy stud was a fantasy turd in his season debut: 6 points on 2-for-9 shooting to go with 2 boards, 2 dimes, a steal, 2 turnovers and 4 fouls. Man, I sure hope nobody around here has Blatche on their fantasy team...

Jason Williams: William's performance last night is forcing me to seriously consider giving out a "Worst Player of the Night" award in these posts. His line: 8 minutes, zero points, zero rebounds, 1 assist, zero steals, zero blocked shots, 3 turnovers, 1 personal foul, 2 technical fouls, 1 automatic ejection.

Of course, he still had a better plus-minus score (-2) than John Wall (-31).

John Wall, quote machine, Part 1: "It was tough. It's really telling me what I need to work on, but I already know."

John Wall, quote machine, Part 2: "But as a team aspect, we have a lot we need to work on."

Marcin Gortat, mildly broken English quote machine: "Honestly, I'm sick of listening every hour about Miami -- Miami that, how great they are, how big they are, what kind of record they gonna have. I get every day interviews back in Poland, people calling me about Miami, Miami, what you think about Miami? What you think about Big Three? I'm going to say the same thing: they are a great team, they have three superstars, they got a couple good role players on the team. They looking good on the paper, but they got to start winning."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "You guys can decide what's a big game and what's not. If they give me two wins for tomorrow night, then it's a big game. I'm not big on the human-interest stories."

The Utah Jazz: Oh dear God. After receiving the scorched earth treatment in their season-opening 110-88 loss to Nuggets in Denver, the Jazz came home and got donkey-punched 110-94 by the Work-in-Progress Suns.

It's enough to make John Stockton's gonads shrivel up in his short-shorts.

The sad part of this loss is that Utah is HUGE compared to Phoenix. Hence the stat-paddery by Paul Milsap (19 points, 13 rebounds) and Al Jefferson (20 points, 9 boards). But the Jazz pulled down only one more total rebound and their Offensive Rebound Percentage (30.4) was barely better than the Suns' (27.9). Shooting 42 percent from the field and 3-for-13 on threes didn't help either.

Oh, and then there was the transition D, which gave up 20 fast break points.


This team definitely hasn't gelled yet. In fact, they're more of a gritty paste.

Deron Williams: Look, I'm a big Deron Williams fan. I really am. But I can't stop myself from reminding everybody that he proclaimed himself the best point guard in the league last season. And we all remember what that did for Stephon Marbury's career, don't we?

Anyway, Williams was crap in Utah's season opener (3-for-10, 6 assists, 4 turnovers, 4 fouls) and he was crappity crap last night: 13 points on 3-for-12 shooting, 6 assists, 3 turnovers, 5 fouls and a plus-minus score of -16. The only Jazz player with a worse plus-minus was freaking Gordon Hayward (-17).

The obvious lesson: Never proclaim yourself the best [whatever] in the league.

Raja Bell: The Jazz signed Bell to (partially) replace Kyle Korver's shooting. Well, that wasn't happening last night, as Bell missed nine of his 12 shot attempts and went 1-for-5 from downtown.

Steve Nash, captain obvious: "Hakim [Warrick] was great on the glass and hustled. He finished and got to the line. He did a lot of little things that matter. But he also scored, and when he can do that, it makes us a better team."

So when a teammate can score, it makes you a better team? It's like Nash just gave my brain an assist. Thanks, Steve!

Steve Nash, the voice of realism: "We haven't got the chemistry yet and there are no shortcuts. It just takes time. You got to find the understanding and be unselfish and conscious of the other players on the team. But there is no easy formula."

In keeping with the recent overreactions to Nash quotes: STEVE NASH SAYS SUNS HAVE NO CHEMISTRY!!!!

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 1: "Things are not going our way."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 2: "We've got to continue to stay with it. I mean we've got to continue to get better."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 3: "We got punched in the mouth twice in our first two games."

Lacktion report: Chris had an easy but fulfilling night of lacktion reporting:

Bullets-Magic: Hilton Armstrong makes his first reservation in the lacktion ledger by countering one successful charity stripe shot (and two assists) in 11:14 with 5 fouls and two giveaways for a 7:3 Voskuhl. Hamady N'Diaye armed himself with a pair of fouls in 3:40 for his first ever suck differential, a +2 that also counted as a 2:0 Voskuhl!

Labels: Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

"Oof. Something stinks in here... probably all of my turnovers"
Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to read this interview with Bill Walton done by Trey Kirby over at The Basketball Jones. First off, reading anything to yourself in Bill Walton's voice makes your day 800% better. But beyond that, this is a good interview full of the usual Walton style and some good thoughts into the importance of controlling the paint in the NBA.

Also worth reading? This Deadspin piece. To quote the lede: "This is a story about the new NBA Jam for the Nintendo Wii. It is also a story about the 1990s, the NBA's waning cultural cachet, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, Asian-Jewish relations, Roenick in NHL '94, nostalgia, and God." What more can you want than that? All it's missing is Greg Ostertag.

And a brief moment of analysis. (I'll keep it brief since I suck at analysis.) Marc Stein had an interesting tweet this afternoon: "Was TUE night in BOS bigger deal than we thought for Heat? Research says only three NBA teams in last 20 years won it all after 0-1 start." To be fair, this is a complicated situation. Considering the lack of preparation time the Heat had to get used to a completely new look, I don't think it was reasonable to expect them to come out looking amazing in their very first game. That being said, the kinds of teams that lose on opening night, regardless of talent level and preparation, might be fundamentally lacking something. It might be an obvious missing piece in offense or defense, but it might also be something like a lack of killer instinct. LeBron doesn't have the same desire to go out and just kill his opponent each and every night like some of the greats did. (Jordan would refuse to lose a game like that, for example.) How much of that will carry over into the postseason? I can't foresee it now. But that is something that will stick in the back of my mind.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Steven Tyler may not be experiencing love in elevator, but he is livin' it up while the Celtics are going down

Hey, that pose looks familiar...

Good God! Byron Scott is Spiderman! Well, that explains some things. Or nothing at all. Not sure which yet...

Based on Landry Fields' reaction, I think Demar DeRozan has a taser hidden in his hand

Anyone who want to scare Drew Gooden on Halloween now knows what his biggest fear apparently is: playing defense

Please forgive the Nets if their celebrations seem a little awkward -- they don't have much experience celebrating

Good. Use your aggressive feelings, Cleveland fans. Let the hate flow through you.

Nationally Televised Games:
Wizards at Magic, TNT, 8pm: The Magic have a new arena. On the other hand, the Wizards are missing Gilbert Arenas, one of their main weapons. (Damnit. I just can't help myself. The gun jokes write themselves.) In other news, holy crap John Wall is fun to watch. Trust me on this one.

Suns at Jazz, TNT, 10:30pm: Interesting game. These two teams have some similarities: both are higher-scoring offenses who no longer have their leading scorer from last year, and both teams struggled to put up points in their season openers. Oh, and they also share another similarity: I don't get to watch nearly enough of either of them because they're based out West and their games come on too damn late for me a lot of the time, and there's not enough time in the day to DVR their games and watch later on. Can someone please invent some sort of magic time machine soon plzkthx?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, gratuitous Gilbert Arenas gun joke, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

For some reason, this pic makes me think about Dr. Loomis' speech about evil...
The Atlanta Hawks

Holy crappity crap, the Hawks are screwed. Seriously, they are so screwed.

Think about it. The Hawks were a middle of the road defensive team (14th in Defensive Efficiency at 104.0) that somehow managed to be one of the Association's better offensive squads (3rd in Offensive Efficiency at 108.9) despite the fact that most of their sets revolved around isolating Joe Johnson or getting Jamal Crawford open for a jump shot. It helped that the rest of the Hawks selflessly crashed the boards and the team as a whole managed to avoid turning the ball over. Oh, and Atlanta didn't suffer any major injuries.

With all the aforementioned serendipity, the Dirty Birds managed 53 wins, which, in the Leastern Conference, was good enough for the third seed. But in the playoffs, they barely avoided first round elimination against the Bucks before getting absolutely obliterated by the Magic. Allow me to share the scores from that four-game sweep: 114-74, 112-98, 105-75, 98-84. Swept by an average of 24.5 PPG.

Ouchies.

Even at their absolute best with nobody getting hurt and everything going right, the 2009-10 Hawks were nowhere near good enough to compete for a title. Or even a respectable series against a contender.

So what's different about the 2010-11 Hawks? Uhm, they fired coach Mike Woodson and hired Larry Drew to be their new head coach; they signed Joe Johnson to a six-year, $123.7 million deal, otherwise known as "The absolute worst contract handed out during the summer in which Darko 'Manna from Heaven' Milicic got $20 million"; drafted a couple bums; signed Josh Powell to a one-year deal at the vet's minimum; traded Josh Childress to the Suns for a second-round pick; signed Etan Thomas to a one-year deal at the vet's minimum.

In essence, the Hawks didn't get any better while at the same time destroying all future cap flexibility by giving Johnson what will probably be remembered as the most horrific contract of this decade. There's no way the Hawks will win 50 games again -- let's face it, Crawford won't have another career year, Johnson is only going to get worse and the rest of the team just isn't that good -- but they'll probably win 40-45, make the playoffs, and get sent home early and cruelly. Just like last season.


Sorry, Hawks fans.

The Charlotte Bobcats

Over the past several days, there's been a lot of chatter on the Interwebs about whether Michael Jordan could score 100 points in today's game. But here's a better, more relavant question:

Can Jordan's team, the Charlotte Bobcats, score 100 points in today's game?

Last season, the 'Cats ranked 28th in PPG (95.3), 26th in Pace Factor (90.4 possessions per 48 minutes) and 24th in Offensive Efficiency (101.5). Of course, they ranked first in Opponent's PPG (93.8) and Defensive Efficiency (100.2), which just goes to show you that this is a typical Larry Brown team: Slow it down, grind it out, churn out regular season wins, make the playoffs, get eliminated early.

And that's pretty much what happened last season. Brown coaxed 44 wins out of squad with more gaping holes than Anal Bimbos 27: Buttier Than Ever. Against all reason, Larry goaded his team to the franchise's first ever playoff appearance...during which they were mashed to an oozing pulp by the Orlando Magic. Still, it was yet another example of how Brown squeezes every last drop of talent out of his team. Before he quits on them and moves onto the next team, that is.

Still, the Bobcats are a deeply flawed bunch. And in case you're wondering how those flaws were "addressed," I'm about to tell you. Jordan let Raymond Felton walk; pulled Shaun Livingston out of his NBA grave; signed Tirade Thomas to a five-year, $40 million mistake; flipped Tyson Chandler and Alexis Ajinca for Matt Carroll, Eduardo Najera and Erick Dampier's dumpable deal (this wasn't even a salary saver, btw, as the 'Cats merely broke even on the deal, essentially giving Chandler away for nada); signed Dominic McGuire (defense yes, offense no); and signed Kwame Brown, leading to to several days worth of "What the f*** is up with MJ and Kwame Brown?!"

So basically, Charlotte didn't improve at all. Hell, they might have gotten a little worse.

Look, I understand the whole "Defense Wins Championships" concept, and to a large extent, I agree. That said, NBA teams are still expected to score more points than their opponents. Can you see this squad doing that against the top tier teams? Or even the middle tier teams on a consistent basis. Brown can probably cattle prod another 35-40 wins out of this group of castoffs, assuming 1) he maintains his intensity and committment to the team and 2) the players keep drinking his Kool-Aid.

Still, I don't know how the 'Cats are going to get by without a real, honest-to-goodness point guard. Last season, Felton did a decent enough job masquerading as a PG in order to earn a contract. But Livingston of the Living Dead is not an answer to anything other than "What is one of the saddest stories in NBA history?"

The Miami Heat

I'm not going to go on and on about this team. I mean, we're all a little sick of hearing and reading about them already, right?

Here's as brief a summary as I can manage: They're going to be awesome. For the most part, Pat Riley surrounded the Nazgul with enough talent to contend despite cap limitations (something many people thought he couldn't do). Miami is strong on the perimeter but f***ed at center. They won't win 70 games this season, but they're a lock for 60+ wins and a deep playoff run. Not sure they're going to get by Boston or Orlando (or the Lakes if they make it to the Finals) this season, but the Heat are going to win a title some time in the next few years. Just accept that and move on.

The Orlando Magic

The Magic are one of those trick-or-treat "contenders." They're really, really good -- last season they ranked 2nd in both Offensive Efficiency (109.5) and Defensive Efficiency (102.2) -- and yet not quite good enough, you know? I mean, look at their three best players. Unless Hakeem Olajuwon worked some serious voodoo this summer, Dwight Howard's offensive game still isn't polished enough to prevent him from getting shut down by big, talented frontcourts (such as the ones he'll face in Boston and L.A.). Vince Carter is a superstar against lesser teams who's guaranteed to disappear or quit in the playoffs. Ditto for Rashard Lewis, only with 20% more disappearing.

Who's going to step up and lead this team when it really counts? J.J. Redick?

Look, Quentin Richardson gives them more three-point shooting and Chris Duhon will be decent as a backup point guard, but the team lost toughness when Matt Barnes walked and their best three players don't have the skills or mental fortitude necessary to beat out the Celtics, Heat (maybe) or Lakers. And frankly, I only see Carter and Lewis declining, while I'm not sure Howard hasn't maxed out as a basketball player (again, unless The Dream has actually physically possessed him).

Orlando is going to win 55-60 games and flame out in the playoffs. Again. Years from now, we're going to look back on their five-game loss to the Lakers in the NBA Finals and realize that was this team's apex.

The Washington Wizards

Washington messed up, okay? The Wizards settled on a core of Gilbert Arenas, Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler. They gave those guys big contracts and tried to build around them. And that was a real boner.

Still, the Wiz have been trying to fix the problem. Jamison and Butler are now in different zip codes, and Arenas will be gone about 0.1 seconds after some idiot team agrees to take on his cap-gobbling contract. Which, unfortunately for Washington fans, will probably be never.

Oh well. Two out of three ain't bad.

On the bright side, the Wizards got crazy lucky, winning the NBA draft lottery and selecting future superstar John Wall with the number one overall pick. Apparently, that good fortune was too much for Washington's batshit front office to accept, so they tried to negate that dumb luck by trading for Kirk Hinrich.

Don't get me wrong. Captain Kirk is a solid backup PG who provides solid defense, can play three positions and will be an excellent veteran mentor for Wall. But as ESPN's John Hollinger pointed out, based on the workings of this particular deal, the Wizards basically paid $3 million to take on Hinrich's contract, which will cost them $17 million over the next two seasons.

I guess they just love bad contracts in Washington.

Other offseason moves included: Trading for Chairman Yi, letting a trio of vets (Mike Miller, Randy Foye, James Singleton) depart for greener pastures, signing Hilton Armstrong (yawn), signing Josh Howard (whatever) and giving Andray "Shoot It If Ya Got It" Blatch a three-year, $28 million extension.

That's it. That's the state of Washington's rebuilding effort thus far. Sweet Jesus. I haven't seen something this poorly thought out since KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park:


I'm not sure how this ragtag bunch of shothappy bums and fools is going to win more than 25-30 games. Drafting Wall and adding a savvy vet like Hinrich will help, but this team is a flat-out mess. The Wizards are still several years -- at minimum -- from returning to anything remotely resembling respectability. And the artist formerly known as Agent Zero has become a depressing slob with a crummy beard.

Another season of Washing Generals jokes anyone?

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Miami Heat, NBA season preview, Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards

I tend to think she's saying "I'm more of a woman than you!"but feel free to add your own caption in the comments.
The Orlando Magic: First, the Magic went down 0-3 in their best of seven series with the Celtics and everybody was talking sweep. Then Orlando won the next two games and suddenly Boston was old again and in real danger of becoming the first team to ever lose a playoff series after building a 3-0 lead.

Uh huh.

Look, here's the deal. In Game 4, the Celts were a little too full of themselves and the Magic were able to play free and loose because they had absolutely nothing to lose. In Game 5, the officials basically put away the whistles and instituted martial law...which is something that typically benefits the home team facing elimination. Over my 25+ years watching NBA playoff basketball, I've seen this scenario play out many times.

That's not to say I wasn't nervous, but I could kind of see what was coming in Game 6. After all, the Celts were easily the better team in Games 1-3 and came within a terrible possession of winning Game 4 despite playing like shit. In all honestly, I figured they'd come home for Game 6 and take care of business.

And they did.

This game did have a little of the unexpected, tho'. Near the end of the first quarter, the Magic were already down 28-19 when Rajon Rondo -- the dude who was killing them early -- was on the receiving end of a little boom boom pow from (you guessed it!) Dwight Howard.


With Rondo out, it should have been advantage Orlando, right? Wrong. That's when U-Dub alum Nate Robsinson -- the teeniest man on the floor -- took the fuck over.


During and after the game, a lot was made out of the fact that Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers kept insisting that Nate Robinson was going to win a playoff game this year. I can only assume they originally meant "for the other team." But Nate -- with help from the Magic -- made Danny and Doc look like junior Nostradamuses. And that spark pushed momentum irrevocably in Boston's favor.

Orlando would end up shooting 43 percent for the game, missing 16 of their 22 treys, shanking 11 freebies and falling behind by 24 before exiting the playoffs with a whimper. But what can you say? The Boston Stranglers put on a defensive exhibition during the last two rounds of the playoffs.

Said Stan Van Gundy: "They beat two very good teams, and made us look like we weren't very good teams. When you go through two series like that, I think you have to be fair and say a lot has to do with them."

Rashard Lewis: The 118 Million Dollar Man sucked all series long. He played so poorly through the first three games that someone finally leaked that he was suffering a viral infection, that he had been "feeling weak" and "tired" during games and hadn't been able to hold food down.

It's possible, I guess. Far be it from me to question how a professional athlete feels. I can only comment on what I saw, and what I saw was this: The Celtics shut Lewis down by...putting a hand in his face.

That's it.

And really, that's all you have to do to stop Rashard Lewis. My buddy Statbuster referred to Lewis as "a 6'10" Steve Kerr," and he was right. Rashard spots up and shoots. That's pretty much his skill set. When the Celtics opted to stay at home on Dwight Howard, that meant they could minimize Lewis' open looks. After his 3-for-11 stink bomb in Game 6, Rashard's series shooting stats were 19-for-56 from the field (33 percent) and 4-for-23 from downtown (17 percent). And he certainly didn't offset his shooting by taking it strong to the hole: Lewis earned only 10 foul shots all series long, which includes his single trip to the line in Game 6.

His series average for PPG was 8.2.

Vince Carter: His Game 6 was classic Vince Carter. The stats -- 17 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists -- were good enough that you can't accuse him of flat out quitting. But his shooting (6-for-15 from the field, 1-for-4 from beyond the arc) and his inability to swing a single game in Orlando's favor highlight the fact that Vag is only difference maker for the opposing team. Remember: Carter was supposed to push the Magic over the hump. Instead, he helped push them into an early playoff grave.

I mean, it says something that his two worst games of the series -- 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting in Game 4 and 8 points on 3-for-10 shooting in Game 5 -- were the only two games the Magic actually won.

Look, on paper, Carter is better than Hedo Turkoglu. Much better, even. But Turk worked for the Magic in ways Vinsanity could not and will not. For instance, during last season's run to the NBA Finals, Orlando's money play was Hedo's pick-and-roll with Howard. That was the play that Orlando went to when nothing else was working. Guess what? Carter can't run that play...it was effectively replaced by Vag isolating and pulling up for a long, contested jumper.

And we see how that worked out.

Jameer Nelson: The line: 32 minutes, 5-for-14 from the field, 1-for-5 from three-point range, 11 points, 4 assists, 5 turnovers, 5 fouls, and a game-worst plus-minus score of -23. More than anybody else, even Dwight, Nelson was the motor for the Magic's boat, and he didn't have it in Game 6. Hell, he couldn't even take advantage of Nate Robinson. In fact, Kryto-Nate basically shut Nelson down while Rondo was massaging his back on the sideline.

Kevin Garnett: You know, in an alternate universe, KG could have been one of my favorite players of all time. I love so many facets of his game: His desire, his intensity, his defense, the way he used to attack the boards like a hungry dog during his days with the Timberpoops. Garnett is also a willing passer, a reluctant scorer who can drop 25 points a game on 52 percent shooting but has always seemed more interested in setting up his teammates.

How many 20+/10+/4+ seasons did he have? Nine straight, baby.

And yet...during his Minnesota days stories kept surfacing. Stories about how he used to pick fights with teammates, how he once sucker-punched Wally Szczerbiak after practice. Nothing was ever totally concrete, but it sure seemed strange how these little tidbits kept coming up. Kind of like how Dwight Howard's elbows keep "accidentally" taking people out. Things that happen once or twice are accidents. Things that happen repeatedly are trends.

Then KG came to Boston and his habits were put on a more public display. Turns out all the ugliness that was hidden by the fact that the T-Wolves aren't on national TV was suddenly being broadcast two or three times a week. KG talking smack, KG popping his jersey, KG going after guards and whistling elbows past faces.

The thing is, despite what his critics will tell you, this stuff doesn't happen all the time. There are long stretches of games where Garnett will be silent as the grave, when he lets his game do the talking. But then...SNAP. See, Ron Artest, he's like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. He's always crazy and it's obvious. KG is more like Hannibal Lecter. He's intelligent and articulate most of the time, which makes it that much more shocking when he starts eating faces.

Which is what happened in Game 6:


I mean...who does that? Not one but two close-fisted punches to an opponent's arm. NBA players dole out plenty of karate chops when guys are grabbing and holding onto them. But what Garnett did was more like something you see in a street fight.

Sadly, that crazy, cruel streak is probably what makes Garnett the competitor he is. It's also why I can't count him among my all-time faves.

The sad bench plus double facepalm equals painful playoff elimination.
The Phoenix Suns: You know how I said I've seen what happened to the Magic happen many times before? Same can be said of the Suns. They played pretty free and loose in Game 5. After all, they had nothing to lose, right? They were guaranteed another home game and even if they didn't win Game 5, they'd still get another shot to steal one in L.A. in Game 7. Of course, the presumes they would win Game 6.

Which didn't seem like a huge leap, right? After all, conventional wisdom says that if the Suns played the way they did in Game 5, only they were at home, then assuming a Phoenix victory was entirely reasonable.

Here's the rub: The Suns were now facing an elimination game. There came a point in the second quarter when Phoenix players seemed to get a case of the yips. Several of their misses were of the in-and-out or roll-off-the-rim variety. Suddenly, guys were hesitating ever so slightly or trying to guide the ball into the rim instead of using their standard follow through. It was as if once the Lakers showed they could break the zone, the Suns felt like they had to score on every possession.

Next thing you know, L.A. was up by 10. Then 15. Then 20.

Let me make one thing clear. This situation isn't the same as a team's will being broken. That's what some Lakers fans thought was going on entering the game. The Suns believed they could win. But when the Lakers withstood their initial offensive onslaught and infact maintained a small lead, nerves kicked in and things snowballed. The game might have ended in a blowout if not for...

Sasha Vujacic: When you're on the road and have the home team on the ropes, the one thing you cannot do is give that team and their home crowd a rallying point. But...that's exactly what Sasha did.


Did Dragic sell that foul to the point of ridiculousness? Hell yeah, he did...just as he should have. If your opponent is going to be that stupid in that big of a situation, it's your right and civil duty to use his stupidity against him.

Unfortunately, that wasn't quite enough...

The Suns' end-of-game defense: Let me start off by saying this: Kobe Bryant hit three of the most amazing, crazy-ass crap shots I've ever seen in an NBA playoff game: A 21-footer with 4:33 left to put L.A. up 97-90; a 21-footer with 1:59 remaining to bump the Laker lead to 101-96; and a 23-footer with 35 seconds to go to make it 107-100 bad guys. Make no mistake: Incredible though they were, those are the shots the Suns wanted Mamba to take: long two-point jumpers that were hotly contested.

But let's face it: Nobody has made -- or, for that matter, even attempted -- more crap shots in league history than Kobe Bryant. In fact, one could make the argument that taking crap shots is his favorite thing in the world next to winning and anal rampage (although not necessarily in that order). You could even say that a lifetime of taking crap shots led to this moment, the single greatest crap shot sequence in living memory. Predictably, those three shots had Alvin Gentry and Steve Nash gushing over Kobe after the game, using all sorts of "best player" hyperbole.

Here's my take. They were tough shots and it was astounding that he hit them. However, as noted, Kobe takes those shots, and he's made an awful lot of them. And he had been zeroing in all series. How many clean looks had Kobe gotten against the Suns' zone? Lots. In the NBA, made shots beget more made shots. Some people don't believe in the "hot hand," but I'm here to tell you it exists. When a player, especially a great one like Bryant, keeps getting clean looks, he gets a "feel" for where the bucket is. Kobe got into a zone against the zone.

As ESPN's John Hollinger noted: "Bryant just kept facing up and shooting contested long J's off the dribble. Normally, forcing such a shot is a huge victory for the defense, but Bryant made a mind-blowing 58.0 percent of his long 2-pointers against Phoenix (hat tip to TrueHoop Network's painted area for that one); usually players shoot in the high 30s from this range. Additionally, the threat of his J was strong enough that he drew several fouls on shot fakes."

Speaking of The Painted Area, here's an extended look at what Mr. Haubs had to say:

In Game 6, Bryant hit on 6-11 "long 2-pointers" (shots from 16-23 feet, inside the 3pt line) along with 3-8 three-pointers, continuing a series-long trend of excellent outside shooting by Kobe.

The Suns actually executed their game plan of forcing Kobe to shoot contested long 2's, but Bryant vastly outshot his normal numbers on long 2's in the series.

In the regular season, Kobe shot .415 on long 2's, and in the first two playoff series, he was down to just .353 from 16-23 feet. However, against Phoenix, Bryant was a remarkable .580 on long 2's, connecting on 29-50.

On top of that, Bryant also made 19-44 (.432) threes for the series, dwarfing his regular-season numbers not only in percentage (.329), but also in makes (3.2 per game, vs. 1.2 in the season).

Whether Kobe can keep his hot shooting going could be a key to The Finals. A linchpin of Boston's defensive strategy is to force Bryant into long 2's, and Kobe hit on just 14-39 (.358) of long 2's in the 2008 Finals.

But again, the Suns' D against those three big shots was solid, and that's the shot you want Kobe taking. No, here's where defense failed Phoenix. First, at the 3:27 mark, Derek Fisher got loose for a tough jumper (99-92). On L.A.'s next possession, Pau Gasol missed a short jumper, but Lamar Odom grabbed the offensive board. Odom missed the layup, got the ball back and missed again before Grant Hill snared the board. An "empty" possession for the Lakers? Not really, because it highlighted the fact that they could own the boards down the stretch...

...sure enough, with 1:14 left and the Suns trailing 103-98, Gasol swooped in for an offensive board and put back off another missed layup by Odom.

Kobe's shots were daggers. But that Fisher shot and the put back by Gasol were the backbreakers. Which brings me to this point: The Lakers outrebounded the Suns 41-31, including 14-8 on the offensive glass. They also dominated in second-chance points. Clutch shots get all the attention, but dirty work wins games. The Lakers won the battle in the trenches and slowed the game down, holding the Suns to a measley two fast break points. Mamba's jumpers make great fodder for Sports Center, but rebounding and transition defense won the day for the Lakers.

Which brings me to...

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: STATUE was the Suns' offensive "leader" during the Western Confernece Finals. He scored 25.0 PPG on 52 percent shooting while earning almost 12 free throw attempts per game. Phoenix would not have been in this series without his ability to put the ball in the basket.

That said, his efforts were as one-dimensional as the characters in a Michael Bay movie.

Amar''''''e is the biggest, strongest, most athletic member of the Suns, but he averaged only 6.0 RPG versus L.A. In the Suns' four losses, he grabbed 3, 6, 4 and 4 rebounds. In Game 6, at home, facing postseason elimination and possibly the end of his career in Phoenix, Stoudemire finished with 2 defensive rebounds. Mind you, this was the biggest game in the biggest series of his life.

What's more, Stoudemire dished out only 3 assists (versus 16 turnovers) in the series, including zero assists over the final four games. The only thing he had eyes for was the rim. To a certain extent, that's understandable. After all, scoring is his primary duty. But Stoudemire faced or dribbled into an awful lot of double and triple coverage over those six games. When that happened, he was thinking "MUST SHOOT" and not "Hey, maybe one of my teammates is open now."

And so my love-hate with STATUE ended in just hate.

The tears of Steve Nash: And there you have it:


Watching this -- what probably should have been a private moment -- hurt me more than anything else, even more than seeing a team I hate beat a team I love. Nash finished with 21 points on 8-for-11 shooting to go along with 5 defensive rebounds -- 3 more than Stoudemire! -- and 9 assists (with only 2 turnovers). Once again, he gave his all. Once again, it wasn't enough. He is still the person who has appeared in the most playoff games in NBA history without making the NBA Finals.

Ignorant, petty people will continue to use this as a slight against him, even now, after a season in which he led the Suns much, much farther than anybody thought he could...perhaps farther than they ever should have gotten. I mean, really, who thought the Suns could replace Shaq with Channing Frye and lean so heavily on guys like Jared Dudley, Goran Dragic and Louis Amundson and still come within a crazy offensive rebound by Ron Artest from maybe taking this series.

Don't laugh. It could have happened.

But it didn't. Early in the season, there was a great post on ESPN's Daily Dime that dissected Nash's decision to re-sign with the Suns rather than chase a championship elsewhere. His response to questions was that, for him, the journey is more important than the destination. That the chance to lead and teach young players is more important than chasing around a championship.

Someone related this to Kobe and his response was "Fuck that. Better him than me." No, really. That's what he said. Because chasing a championship is the only thing that matters to Kobe.

This might lead you to think that a title means nothing to Nash. Well, those tears say differently. It matters. Nash has sacrificed an awful lot. I always bring up the fact that he plays -- and in fact has played well enough to take his place among history's great point guards -- despite a chronic, incurable back ailment. He's had teeth knocked out, his face mangled on multiple occasions, and yet he never complains, goes out, gives his all, plays great against whatever odds...with relatively little fanfare. (I say "relatively" because, if Kobe or LeBron broke and reset their nose mid-game, minstrels would be singing about it for the next hundred years.)

There are people who are going to dis and mock him because he's never won a championship, never made the Finals. Those people are ignorant. How far do you suppose Kobe would have made with this year's Suns team? Do you think he would have inspired guys like Frye, Dudley and Amundson, or do you think he would have threatened and intimidated him, maybe even demanded a trade? Would LeBron have led this squad to a title?

Heck, even Nash's talented teams had flaws. Bad coaching (D'Antoni not trusting his bench comes to mind). Teammates who looked a helluva lot better alongside Nash than they do on their own (look at what guys like Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson, Quentin Richardson have "accomplished" on their own, and that's what Amar''''''e is in store for if and when he leaves Phoenix). Remember back when the Lakers pushed the Suns to seven games in 2006 and everybody was freaking out about how Kobe led a squad of scrubs against this amazingly talented Suns team that featured a starting lineup of Nash, Marion, Raja Bell, Boris Diaw and James Jones? When STATUE wasn't even playing and Tim Thomas was one of their most important bench players?

How that those players have migrated elsewhere and we've gotten additional evidence, tell me again how "talented" that team was. Go on. Tell me. Nash turns shit into salsa...but will probably forever be the whipping boy of people who can't see beyond titles even though those are team and organizational accomplishments.

But whatever. Am I disappointed the Suns lost? Yep. Am I bitter? Nope. A year ago, I might have been. But, like Nash says, the journey is more important than the destination. Heck, the dude is even teaching me.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night