[Editor's note: Dan B. filling in today while Bawful takes care of some more important stuff. Consider this just a Worst of the Worst of the Night highlights post, but hey, it's still more effort than you got from the Magic last night!
The Orlando Magic: Well, so much for getting off to a running start. The Magic trotted out a brand new roster featuring Gilbert Arenas, Jason Richardson, and Hedo Turkoglu -- all of whom never even got to practice with the team before their first game -- against Atlanta last night, but it didn't matter. Seventh loss in eight games.
Things were ugly right from the start, with the Dirty Birds holding the Magic to a season low 14 points in the first quarter on a woeful 25% shooting effort. Remember, these are the same Dirty Birds that let a Celtics team giving Luke Harangody meaningful minutes drop 53% shooting on them just a few nights ago. Uh oh.
Beyond that, this was a game-long exercise in futility. The Magic also managed to toss up a variety of bricks for the entire first eight minutes of the fourth quarter, not hitting a single field goal in that entire stretch. The final total for the game was a 35.2% shooting percentage, including a 23.5% effort from downtown. The Magic were less effective than the Putty Patrol in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
The worst offender was Gilbert Arenas, coming off the bench for a 2-for-11 effort from the field. It's like Vince Carter never left! In fact, it's not like very much changed. The gameplan still revolved around relying on Dwight Howard doing his thing in the paint, and everyone else throwing up long-range jumpshots.
Speaking of the Pumaman, Dwight Howard did have a fairly solid outing, with 19 points and 20 rebounds. Though to be fair, with that many bonked jumpers, there were enough available rebounds that the Ben Wallace Inflatable Defender would have gotten four or five boards. Also looking at just the offensive boards, Brandon Bass grabbed one offensive rebound to Pumaman's five, but that doesn't sound too bad compared to the rest of the team. Those were the only two Magic players to grab ANY offensive rebounds.
Al Horford, reality check machine: "They have the same kind of team. They're shooters. They're the same team but with different players."
Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "Look, they're out there trying hard, just none of them played well. Nobody could shoot the ball. ... I'm sure they had a lot of emotions and stuff going on. It was a long night."
The Miami Heat: And boom goes the winning streak.
This was a game of runs. Both teams struggled back-and-forth through shooting woes. For example, the Heat had one trip down the floor that lasted 52 seconds and consisted of eight shots before Mario Chalmers drained a three pointer. Mike Miller started the possession with a defensive rebound, and managed to get two more offensive rebounds before it ended.
But in the end, Dirk Nowitzki continued to do Dirk-like things and put down a 26 point line to help the Mavs win their 14th consecutive regular season game against the Heat. So much for a revenge game.
Dirk may have gone 0-for-5 in the final dozen minutes of the game, but the Heat let Jason Terry go into beast mode in the fourth quarter, with Terry scoring all 19 of his points in an 11 minute stretch of dominance. As noted in the AP recap:
Terry has spoken often about how losing to Miami in the 2006 NBA finals still upsets him.So maybe we did get a revenge game out of this after all. Not quite what I had planned, but I'll take it.
So while shooting at the East end of the court -- the one over which the Heat championship banner softly sways -- he put on a fourth-quarter show.
Jason Terry, quote machine: (After Rick Carlisle joked at halftime that a then-scoreless Terry was "still at the hotel) "I told him I thought the bus was at 8:45, 9:00. But thanks for coming back and getting me."
LeBron James: Lebron played only a dozen first half minutes thanks to foul trouble. And during that time, he put up as many points as Yi Jianlian's chair -- zero. Yes, he came back for a 19 point effort in the second half, but that's still downright bawful for the self-proclaimed Chosen One. He only outscored Mario friggin' Chalmers by 6.
As noted by an anonymous commenter last night:
"The problem is that Wade is a weak outside shooter, Lebron is a weak outside shooter, Bosh tends not to shoot from outside 18 feet (except when the game is almost over), if Z isn't in the game, their center position is an offensive non-entity. 1 shooter is always on the court.So this leaves 4 guys to cover the same area of paint. Lebron tries to bull rush his way in and suddenly there are 2 guys waiting for him. So he takes a jumper and (more often than not) clanks it."Also, as very succintly noted by stephanie g,
Miami's problem in a nutshell: bigs can't post, smalls can't shoot.And this pretty well sums it up. LeBron's lack of post moves limit him to shooting long twos or driving the lane, but when everybody's just standing around and nobody's commanding close coverage behind the arc, LeBron doesn't really have room to drive to the hoop, and the result is a mid-range jumper clanking off the side of the rim from any of the five guys on the court.
No Ring King perhaps said it best in the comments this morning:
Asking LeBron to post up is like asking Vince Carter to be aggressive or Andray Blatche to stop thinking he's a point guard. It makes complete sense and everyone else in the world can see it, but it's never going to happen.
NBA.com, stat curse machine: As noted by Preveen in BAD comments,
I call major statcurse. Quote: "16 -- Uh-oh. Maybe they are good. The Heat just have to finish up 52-1 to still break the Bulls' record of 72 wins. Who's gonna beat them?"Don't lose hope! Now they just need to finish 52-0! They can still do it!!
Dammit!
ESPN's headline writers: As noted by Karc in BAD comments,
Stupid headline from ESPN: "Dirk, Mavs conspire to snap Heat's streak at 12."Come on, now. Of course the Mavs "conspired" to beat the Heat. Those jobbers went against the NBA's script! Don't worry, I'm sure Stern will, ahem, take care of things shortly.
Conspire, really? A 22-4 team needed some sort of advanced trickery to beat a team they already beat on the road weeks before? A team with 8 losses against good teams winning oneon the roadagainst a good team was supposed to happen, I guess.
Seriously, Jason Terry lit up the Heat in the 4th. Can't that be the headline. You know, something clever like "JET blows by/burns the Heat." But no, ESPN's chosen wang-sucking team needed a good team to CONSPIRE to beat them.
(Eh, my bad, Miami was the home team. But I stand by the rest of my stuff.)
Chris's Lacktion Report:
Jazz-Cavs: Francisco Elson found that two boards and one field goal made in 11:32 do not stand in the way of a ledger spot - not when you get 5 fouls for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Fellow bebopper Ronnie Price bricked once from the Terminal Tower in 5:04 and also lost the rock for a +2 suck differential.
For Cleveland, Jamario Moon eclipsed his teammates by bricking twice and fouling once in 7:11 for a +3. Manny Harris and Samardo Samuels (despite a board by the latter) each spent 38 seconds head-to-head on their rectangular gray gamepads as MARIO BROTHERS!
Bobcats-Generals: Nazr Mohammed went 50% from the field...only to litter his 9:44 with four fouls, a rejection, and a turnover for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Also earning a ratio was DeSagana Diop, dropping three fouls and two giveaways in 17:23 against one field goal and two boards for the same 5:4 as Mohammed.
Washington's Hilton Armstrong checked into the Watergate Hotel with four fouls and a giveaway (despite 100% from the stripe in two tries, and two boards) in 12:50 to be the third player with a 5:4.
Suns-Spurs: Ime Udoka united with Toad and Yoshi in 16 seconds for a Mario.
Bucks-Frail Blazers: Armon Johnson hammered out a foul in 3:10 for a +1.
Wolves-Clippers: Darko Milicic was manna tonight for Minnesota - if one feeds off of appearances in the lacktion report, as despite a block in 4:43 as starting big man, he fouled twice for a 2:0 Voskuhl. Sebastian Telfair blasted out a brick and rejection in 2:57 for a +2.
Belated Weekend Lacktion Report:
Friday:
Cavs-Pacers: Ryan Hollins had an amazing 129 seconds of fail - one brick, one rejection, one turnover AND two fouls for a +5 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl!Saturday:
Heat-Knicks: Joel Anthony went 100% from the field (in one shot in 20:23) and also had two boards, only to foul four times and lose the rock once for a 5:4 Voskuhl. Celebrating as well were Eddie House with one turnover in 4:11 for a +1, and Jamaal Magloire, who in 2:56 gave up the rock twice and foul once for a +3 that also netted a 3:0 Voskuhl.
For New York, Ronny Turiaf treated himself to one rebound in 4:01, but also turned out to be in possession of one foul and one giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl.
Bobcats-Hawks: Matt Carroll walked into a lacktion wonderland after a foul in 3:26 for a +1, while Zaza Pachulia came within 2 fouls of earning himself some wealth, only to end up with a +2 in 2:12 that also notched a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Clippers-Pistons: Jarron Collins jaunted into the underground floor of a dark castle for 57 seconds to earn a Mario.
Jazz-Hornets: David Andersen tossed a brick in 3:09 and added one foul for a +2 that notched a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Purple Paupers-Thunder: Royal Ivey can now re-upholster his throne with the finest gold after collecting a celebratory 1.8 trillion (1:48)!
Grizzlies-Rockets: Brad Miller scrappily had an assist and block in 12:22, only to brick thricely (twice from the stripe) and foul three times too for a 3:0 Voskuhl. Patrick Patterson clutchly fouled once in 3:08 for a +1.
Suns-Mavs: Brian Cardinal clearly had the same insider tips that Mark Cuban had, as evidenced by a 2 trillion (2:01) capital gain!
Wolves-Frail Blazers: Nikola Pekovic pounced on pesos with a 2 trillion (2:01), while for the infirmary by the Willamette, Joel Przybilla provided a +2 in 8:29 via foul and giveaway also worthy of a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Sixers-Magic: Spencer Hawes had himself one successful shot (out of 7) in 25:46 as starting center for Philadelphia...only to lose the rock twice and foul out for a 8:4 Voskuhl.Sunday:
Heat-Generals: Lots of Wii access in Washington as Eddie House celebrated with a castle rescue mission for 7 seconds for a Super Mario, while Alonzo Gee gathered up toadstools in 33 seconds for a regular Mario.
Clippers-Bulls: Jarron Collins claimed one foul in 3:33 for a +1 and a Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Chicago's Kurt Thomas tenderly took down a trio of boards and a field goal and free throw in 16:14...only to foul out and lose the rock once for a 7:6 Voskuhl.
Jazz-Bucks: Ronnie Price is right after a 5 trillion (5:02) for the beboppers, accompanied by a 45-second riff in Mario Paint from Kyrylo Fesenko. Despite one made shot, Jon Brockman gave the Bucks 27 seconds under the scope of a laughing dog for a Mario.
Grizzlies-Spurs: Hasheem "The 2nd Overall Dream" Thabeet took one foul in 2:10 for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.
Tiago Splitter divided his statline between positive (two assists) and negative (1 foul) in 8:07 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl of his own.
Wolves-Nuggets: Melvin Ely made one board in 2:39, but negated it with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.
Pacers-Celtics: Avery Bradley played the game of lacktion life tonight by bricking thricely (twice from the stripe) in 5:32 for a +3.
Von Wafer continues to collect enough for a round trip on the Masachussetts Turnpike after a 1.55 trillion (1:33).
Hawks-Nyets: Zaza Pachulia couldn't hold on to the rock tiwce and fouled once in 2:26 for a +3 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, while for New Jersey, Johan Petro countered a perfect shooting percentage (on one shot) in 3:01 and a board with three fouls and a giveaway for a 4:3 Voskuhl.
Hornets-Pistons: Quincy Pondexter pointed at one foul in 4:07 for a +1, while David Andersen can account for his finances after an exact 2.2 trillion (2:12).
Suns-Thunder: Serge Ibaka slotted himself in Oklahoma City's starting big man spot, earning 11:26 of hardwood time...in which he bricked twice and also fouled and lost the rock once each for a +4 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl.
Labels: lacktion report, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Worst of the Night
With the opening act of the 2009 NBA Playoffs complete, here's a brief rundown of the top non-performers in the Association after these initial-round series have completed. And yes, for lacktion enthusiasts (read: AnacondaHL), I have compiled these critical metrics in EXCEL FORMAT for you to digest!
42 total lacktators in the first round, here's the top five in total duration:
1. Nicholas Batum (Blazers) - 16:03 (in games 3 and 5)
2. Tony Allen (Celtics) - 11:34 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
3. Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) - 9:45 (in games 1, 2, and 4)
4. Eddie House (Celtics) - 9:39 (in game 5)
5. Stephon Marbury (Celtics) - 7:58 (in game 6)
Three-time lacktators:
- Tony Allen (Celtics)
- Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs)
- Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (7:47 in games 1, 4, and 6)
Atlanta leads all teams with most lacktators, Mike Woodson having sent out EIGHT different potential human victory cigars! (Speedy Claxton, Othello Hunter, Mario West, Solomon Jones, Acie Law, Randolph Morris, Thomas Gardner, Marvin Williams)
31 players have racked up a suck differential...
Largest single-game SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+5 in 6:20), Game 2
Largest combined SD score: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson (Cavs) (+7)
12 trillionares so far in the postseason
Richest man in the playoffs: George Hill (Spurs) (4.95 trillion)
Most prolific venture capitalist: Chucky Hayes (Rockets) (3.35 trillion in game 1, 1.5 trillion in Game 6)
16 ballers have floored it in a Mario Kart free-for-all derby, with three instances of Mario Brothers but no Super Mario Brothers yet...
Super Marios: Othello Hunter (Hawks) (6 seconds in Game 1), Tony Allen (Celtics) (4 seconds in Game 2), and James Singleton (Mavs) (9 seconds in Game 4)
Two-time Power Glove wearers: Ryan Hollins (Mavs) (games 1 and 5), James Singleton (Mavs) (games 1 and 4), Lindsey Hunter (Bulls) (game 4 and 5)
...oh and yes, THE Mario West stomped on a Koopa shell in Game 2, living up to his namesake.
14 big men bawfully honored the least terrifying mesolithic center of our age...
Worst Voskuhl ratios:
Kwame "#1 Overall" Brown (Pistons) - 7:3 in 18:38, game 2
Matt Bonner (Spurs) - 5:1 in 21:55, game 4
Hilton Armstrong (Hornets) - 7:3 in 12:00, game 4
Most Voskuhls: Jamaal Magloire (Heat) with three (games 2, 4, and 7); four other players each had two - Ryan Hollins (Mavs), Matt Bonner (Spurs), Andrew Bynum (Lakers) and Randolph Morris (Heat)
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: lacktion report, Mario West, NBA playoffs, Stephon Marbury
The Phoenix Suns: If there was a real-life roller coaster -- let's call it the Sarver Dream Killer -- that was as up-and-down as this Phoenix team, it would boast a 100 percent vomit-inducement rate. Which, somewhat ironically, is the same vomit-inducement rate the Suns currently have among their fans. To wit: Sunday's hope-lifting win in Detroit was followed up by one of their signature (these days) embarrassing defeats in Philadelphia. The Suns hit only 42 percent of their field goals as Steve Nash (2 points on 1-for-8) and Shaq (7 points on 3-for-7) showed why it's risky to use them in back-to-back games. They also committed 18 turnovers -- Philly's defensive bread and butter -- which allowed the Sixers to get out in transition (19 fast break points) and outscore the Suns 25-13 in points off of TOs. Phoenix was also mandangled on the boards: The Sixers outrebounded them 54-41 and pulled 22 ricochets on the offensive end. So basically...they were outplayed in every phase of the game. Unless "Most Failed Expectations" counts as a phase.
Amare Stoudemire: One of the storylines of this game was how STAT bravely shrugged off those pesky trade rumors to lead the Suns in scoring (19 points on 7-for-13 shooting plus 6 boards). He also added a game-high 3 blocked shots. Not bad. But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming, right? -- he was pretty thoroughly outplayed by Marreese Speights, who had a career-high 24 points (11-for-14) in only 24 minutes of action. Amare, meanwhile, was outrebounded by both Speights (7) and Andre Miller (9 in 27 minutes) despite the fact that he played a game-high 39 minutes. And for those of you who might be blaming Stoudemire's lack of board work on Shaq, The Big Creaky logged only 21 minutes of PT. Who was stealing Amare's boards while Shaq was decomposing on the bench?
The Los Angeles Clippers: In other "They Are Who We Thought They Were" news, the Clippers were beaten by 21 in Charlotte. But that's to be expected, what with all the inju...wait, what? Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and Zach Randolph are all back? And Z-Bo went for 20 points, 10 boards, 4 assists and 2 steals? Okay then, I guess Mike Dunleavy Sr. needs some new excuses. Maybe the team's circadian rhythms were off? That used to be a favorite of Phil Jackson. But here was Camby's spin: "The last game of a trip, I've been around a long time, I know how these games can be tough. Especially right before the All-Star break, you tend to lose a little focus. Your mind is elsewhere." Oh, gee, Marcus, I sure hope that stupid basketball game didn't get in the way of your daydreaming. (FWIW: Camby is on the payroll for $8 million this season. That's not an attention-grabber? I sure bet he'd notice if his paycheck was direct-deposited.)
The fourth quarter was an epic example of Clipper futility, as The Other L.A. Team got gunned down by Vladimir Radmanovic's trio of triples en route to getting outscored 29-12 over those final 12 minutes. The rest of the stats were classic Clippers as well: 39 percent shooting, 13 missed three-pointers, 7 bonked free throws, 18 turnovers and a measely 73 points scored. Oh, and did I mention that the Bobcats laid this smack down without Gerald Wallace (rib, lung) and Raja Bell (groin)? Well, they did.
Juwan Howard: Huh? The 'Cats were missing Nook, too? Why was he...a "sore toe" flared up after Sunday's loss to Miami?! Reminds me of a word that rhymes with "mangina." I think it's...mangina.
The Houston Rockets: They were facing the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. unit, a team that was missing Michael Redd (knee), Andrew Bogut (back) and Luke Ridnour (thumb). Didn't matter. They got burned by Ramon Sessions (26 points, 8-for-12, 7 assists) and Charlie Villanueva (25 points, 9-for-18, 8 rebounds). The Rockets, supposedly a top-notch defensive team, let the M.A.S.H. unit hit rack up 31 assists on 47 field goals. Speaking of field goals, Milwaukee hit 53 percent of theirs, and 50 percent of their threes. And Houston forced only 7 turnovers. Said Knee-Mac: "Right now, we're just a team that doesn't know how to play defense." Well said! Speaking of McGrady...
Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming: Knee-Mac shot 1-for-9 and had just as many fouls as points (3). McGrady is 4-of-19 for 10 points in two games against the Bucks this season. Meanwhile, Shaquie Chan was limited to only 18 minutes of daylight due to foul trouble and finished with 7 points on 2-for-8 shooting.
The New Orleans Hornets: No Chris Paul. No David West. No Tyson Chandler. And, dear merciful Odin, no hope. The key stat here is this: 29 percent shooting (26-for-88). But here's what's even crazier -- like "bag of snapping monkey heads" crazy -- the Grizzlies also held the Craptors to 29 percent shooting last Saturday. [Gratuitous Stat Alert!!] That was the first two-game stretch of holding opponents under 30 percent shooting since 1959. By the Grizzlies! Here's the scoop: "According to the Elias Sports Bureau, it marked the first time in more than 49 years that a team has held consecutive opponents under 30 percent shooting from the field. The last time was December 19-20, 1959, when the then-St. Louis Hawks held Philadelphia to 26.9 percent and Detroit to 29.9 the next night." So, congrats, Hornets. That's some pretty historic fail, right there.
I should also mention the Grizzlies' utter domination of the boards: 64-38. That included 20 offensive rebounds for Memphis, which led to a 23-8 edge in second-chance points. I'll have to check with a stats guru like John Hollinger to be sure, but I would think that was a pretty big factor in a 5-point loss.
David West: Here's a belated WotN for the missing David West, who got suspended for this:
I might be more forgiving if West didn't have a history of superdickery...
The Memphis Grizzlies: Better file this under "Wins That Aren't As Good As Others." They were playing at home against a team that was missing its top three players and apparently forgot what a basket looks like...and they barely won! Plus, check out the stats: 36 percent shooting, 3-for-15 from beyond the arc, 9 missed free throws, 18 turnovers, 85 points scored. I'm not going to label them the worst winning team of all time. Not after reading about how crappy teams were in the 50s, anyway. Update! An anonymous commenter reminded me of something I should have noted: "To be fair, the Grizzlies were without two starters in that game as well, with Rudy Gay out injured and Darrell Arthur on a leave of absence due to the passing of his grandmother." Fair enough. Sucking excused.
Lacktion report: There's no rest for the wicked around here, nor is there any respite for Chris from another night of intense lactivity.
Bobcats-Clippers: The Donald Sterling "Basketball" Playset is only equipped to resemble a sports team, not actually play the role of one. This unavoidable fact once again made itself clear with a blowout loss in Charlotte, where Chiekh Samb silently secured a 1.2 trillion fortune, a take large enough that he probably could buy his very own collection of basketball action figures to mismanage and neglect.The NBA and Geico: I know this is a few days late, but...it was so cool when the NBA announced a H-O-R-S-E competition for All-Star weekend. But all that coolness, and then some, got flushed down David Stern's crapper upon the following announcement: The contestants will be playing G-E-I-C-O instead. Wow. That's so stupid that, well, even a caveman wouldn't do it. Look, I understand the whole corporate sponsorship thing, so I would have expected it to be named "The Geico H-O-R-S-E Shootout" or whatever. But come on, NBA and Geico. What's next? Changing the name of the All-Star Game to the AutoTrader.com Game? Yeesh. I wish that a feminine hygiene product company had bought the rights and the ballers were forced to play T-A-M-P-A-X. Maybe that would have gotten the point across.
The home team didn't disappoint either in giving its lacktators enough garbage time to avoid positive additions to their stat lines, as Bobcats "power" forward Sean May kept the lights off with a suck differential of +2 in 6:21 via foul and brick, while Sean Singletary fouled once for +1 in 1:59.
Sixers-Suns: Robin Lopez makes an appearance in the ledger with one foul for +1 in a snooze-inducing 6:23 for the Suns; Philly's Kareem Rush bricked twice (once from downtown) for +2 in 3:37. Lopez's singular foul was enough to grant him a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl! Memo to Mareese Speights: Dunking over Mr. Lopez doesn't change your "underated" status one bit.
Rockets-Bucks: When the Rockets called Dikembe Mutombo to rejoin them after his early-season hibernation/mummification, I suspect he wasn't signed to help Clutch the Bear install a new Wii in the Toyota Center locker room -- but a 36-second Mario suggests otherwise! That is, a Mario according to Yahoo's box score at least -- as no other source is entirely sure of the magnitude of Mutombo's non-contribution this evening. As of 9:45 PM PST, CBS Sportsline's box score claims he didn't even show up on the court, while ESPN credits him with a 5 trillion.
Kobe Bryant: Mamba used a black Sharpie to write "anime porn collection -- schoolgirl Yumi and little baby Kiki's adventure" on a blank CD. The next time Kobe passed Luke Walton in the crowded Lakers locker room, he bumped into Luke and dropped the CD. He quickly picked it up and said, "Luke, you dropped your...WHAT IS THIS STUFF? OH MY GOD?!" Derek Fisher hasn't talked to Luke since.
Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Houston Rockets, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New Orleans Hornets, Phoenix Suns, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night, Yao Ming
Friday Night Lacktion Lights
Magic-Pacers: Two Wall Street raiders for the hometown Pacers tonight, as Stephen Graham earned a 1.5 trillion to go along with fellow lacktator Maceo Baston's 4.8 trillion take!
Also putting in some anti-contributions for Indiana was reserve center Jeff Foster, who fouled out after 12:15 with a turnover, giving him a slight Voskuhl of 7:6 (six fouls and the giveaway against two points and four rebounds).
Raptors-Hornets: Julian Wright may need to check which uniform he's wearing, for despite his official status on New Orleans's roster, he proved a fine passer for the Craptors, providing the dinos with the rock on three occasions for a suck differential of +3 in 3:53.
Jazz-Kings: Morris Almond and Kosta Koufos, as 15-second Mario Brothers, usher in an era of platform gaming for Jerry Sloan.
Clippers-Grizzlies: In 5:52 of lacktivity, DeAndre Jordan earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 4:3 (three fouls and one turnover against one rebound and one made shot).
Suns-Warriors: When Phoenix was in full revenge game mode, Don Nelson knew when to just let the score take care of itself, and focus instead on getting his anonymous pawns into the lacktion ledger. Anthony Morrow smoothly sauntered into the lifestyles of the rich and not-so-famous with a 2.85 trillion, while Rob Kurz gave the ball away once and took three fouls for a +4 in just about the same amount of time (2:51, only one second less than Morrow's stint).
Saturday Night Lacktator Revue
Clippers-Hawks: As the Hawks have continued to show more inconsistency since their record-padding homestand, lacktion has remained a priority for Atlanta's basketball team. Mario West failed to provide non-production with two made field goals, forcing Solomon Jones into the role of lacktator for the night. Jones flew onto the court nicely with a three-foul stint in 4:47, officially a +3 on the books!
Heat-Sixers: Yakhouba Diawara is as familiar to this ledger as D-Wade is to the charity stripe, as he demonstrated with a one-foul +1 in 1:35 why he will be one of the easiest picks ever for the All-Lacktion squad. In 5:52, Miami teammate Joal Anthony racked up a bit of a Voskhul at 6:4 (5 fouls and 1 giveaway against a made shot and 2 boards).
Nets-Nuggets: Sonny Weems was an efensive beast for 'enver as he spent his 7:50 of court time racking up numbers only a true lacktator could love: two bricks, one foul, and two giveaways for +5! Also proving to be adept at ineptitude is Johan Petro, whose 6:38 came with a Voskuhl of 3:0 through three fouls against no points or rebounds (after three bricks).
Sunday Lacktionable Wrapup
Spurs-Celtics: Just because a matchup makes it to national television doesn't mean that lacktators can all expect to remain obscure via positive contributions. San Antonio's Malik Hairston's stint mushroomed into a two second Super Mario on the parquet!
Suns-Pistons: Gord Dragic tragically bricked twice for +2 in 4:16, while Detroit's Walter Herrmann stomped onto the hardwood for a 23 second Mario.
Pacers-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov is a repeat lacktator, this time littering his 9:24 of floor time with a Voskuhl of 3:2 (two fouls and one giveaway against one made shot).
Note: Mike Dunleavy racked up non-contributions as a starter but got hurt after only three minutes, so that likely doesn't count.
Jazz-Warriors: Jarron Collins gave Jerry Sloan a +2 in 3:33 via two fouls - also a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! -- as his Jazz found themselves on the wrong end of a minor blowout in Oaktown. Nellieball made sure to represent in the ledger, as Anthony Morrow fouled once and bricked twice (one instance tossing masonry from downtown) for +3 in 2:38.
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: guest author, lacktion report
Update! Whoops. Forgot to thank Sky Flakes for today's pic.
Rashad McCants: Khloe Kardashian -- otherwise known as the little sister of that chick who's famous for reasons my human brain can't begin to fathom -- has officially broken up with McCants. This is how she announced the split on her Web site: "I wanted you all to be the first to hear the news that as of last night Rashad and I are no longer together. Relationships are hard enough as it is when you live in the same city, and he's in a different city everyday for games. Our time together was just so limited because of both of our schedules that we decided it is best not to be in a committed relationship. The last seven months have been great and we will definitely remain close friends."
Rashad: YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDED. That's great on Facebook, bad from somebody you used to form the beast-with-two-backs with. The news must have been pretty hard for McCants to take, particularly considering that he can't get off...the Timberwolves' bench: He's logged 12 DNP-CDs in Minnesota's last 13 games. Rejected first by Kevin McHale, then by the kid sister of a B-List (or maybe even C-List) celebrity. Ouchies.
McCants is apparently expressing his heartbreak on (surprise!) his Facebook page. During this ordeal, his relationship status went from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated" to "In an Open Relationship." And the "interests" section of his profile read: "that's who my relationship is with...MONEY." It seems he also posted: "F**k you [haters]. My status is Star Status." Okay then. He did attempt to set the record straight on his own official site, just so we didn't think Khloe broke up with him because he was cheating on her during his time "in a different city every day."
Awesome doesn't begin to describe how I feel about the sheer amount of drama generated by an NBA player who doesn't even play and his not-really-famous ex-girlfriend. As Yakov Smirnoff would no doubt say: What a country! Maybe Rashad will find some sort of release in poetry. Go read his epic ballad Hustle and Cream.
The Washington
Said Generals interim coach Ed Tapscott: "That was the worst effort I've seen us give since I've been here. There wasn't any hustle. There wasn't any life. That was just a very, very poor effort." The AP recap doesn't say that Tapscott then broke into tears, but that's sort of how I'm imagining it.
O.J. Mayo, unintentional disrespect machine: Remember how I mentioned that Mayo matched his career high against the Generals? Well, his final two points were scored on an uncontested dunk on the Grizzlies' final possession...when Mayo could have just to run out the clock. Tapscott didn't care, dismissing the In-Your-Face Disgrace as an act of "youthful exuberance." But Caron Butler was pissed: "That's a sign of disrespect. It's one of those things. You've got to understand people are going to kick you when you're down." That's true, but Caron, think about it: That's the BEST TIME to kick somebody! [/Bobby "The Brain" Heenan]
Mayo, on the other hand, was going with Tapscott's "youthful exuberance" angle: "Just so happy to get a win. I'm sorry on the sportsmanship thing, I was just so happy to get a win and bring it home with a bang and finally have a positive feeling in the locker room at the end of the game." Well, look out, O.J. The Generals will be in Memphis for their revenge game on April Fool's Day. Appropriate, huh?
Lionel Hollins, blame-passing machine: After the Griz busted out of their slump last night, their latest coach said: "They haven't lost 12 in a row with me." Remember, Lionel: When you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.
The Orlando Magic: Talk about bad nights. The Magic lost Jameer Nelson for the game -- and maybe for a while -- after he dislocated his right shoulder in the third quarter. With Nelson out, Orlando's opponent, the Dallas Mavericks, got hot: The Mavs went on a 19-6 to build a 75-57 third-quarter lead. They then started the fourth with a 10-4 burst to push their lead to 87-67. The Magic actually rallied to pull to within 99-90 with 2:29 left...but never got any closer. For the game, Dallas shot 53 percent to Orlando's 42 percent. Said Stan Van Gundy: "That one was pretty simple. We couldn't stop them, and we couldn't score. That makes for a long evening."
The New York Knicks: Before his team's game against the Lakers, Mike 'Antoni stood up before the court of public opinion and said: "The defense rests, your honor." However, the imaginary judge I made up for this story was confused. Why, he wondered, does New York's defense need to rest? They haven't even done anything this season! And that didn't change last night, as every player on the Knicks' roster bent over in unison and said: "Yes, Kobe! Take us! Take us any way you want us!" And that's exactly what the Mamba did, scoring a Madison Square Garden record 61 points on 19-for-31 shooting (and a perfect 20-for-20 from the line).
'Anonti, you might remember, liked to employ a "Let Kobe score as many points as he wants" strategy when he was coaching in Phoenix, with the theory being that Kobe's ball-hoggery would keep his teammates off the stat sheet while wearing Mamba down by the fourth quarter. And, uh, yeah, that worked like a charm, didn't it? Said 'Antoni: "We tried to do the rope-a-dope a little bit where he might shoot himself out, but he didn't. He just kept on going."
Kobe's non-stop hotness wasn't the only flaw in Mikey's full-of-holes plan. Pau Gasol finished with 31 points, 14 rebounds and 5 assists. So much for holding down everybody BUT Kobe.
Much as it may surprise some people, I think it's awesome that Kobe came out all shoot 'em up after it was announced that Andrew Bynum will be out at least 8-10 weeks. That's what great players are supposed to do: Stamp out any notions of vulnerability. Of course, it helped that he was facing a thighs wide open defense. My only regret is that he had to break Bernard King's MSG record of 60 points set on Christmas Day in 1984. I would have liked to see King's record stand.
More bad news for the Knicks: New York hosts Cleveland on Wednesday and Boston on Friday. It's the first time a team has played three straight games against opponents with .750 winning percentages after February 1st since the Celtics did it in February 1995. Thanks to the Elias Sports Bureau for that useless stat of the day.
The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. I take back what I've been saying all season. The Clippers AREN'T who we thought they were. They're WORSE. Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and now Zach Randolph are all back, but even that couldn't alter The Other L.A. Team's trance-like play, as they lost 119-95 to the Heat in Miami. The Clips have now lost six straight and 20 of 22. I'd insert the obligatory Mike Dunleavy Sr. "why we lost" quote here, but the fact that he's still coaching this team fills me with a white-hot rage. So I'm going to just skip it today.
Miami shot almost 56 percent from the field and tied their second-highest point total of the season. The other time they scored 119 was against the defenseless Kings. They also scored 130 points, in overtime, versus the equally defenseless Warriors. Basically, the only way the Clippers defense could have looked worse was if the Knicks hadn't been playing last night.
The New Orleans Hornets: Like the Magic, the Hornets suffered a crippling third-quarter injury, only it was even more cripplingier: Chris Paul strained his right groin. (Yes, CP3 is so manly he has multiple groins. What about it?) When Paul left with 1:30 left in the third, New Orleans was up on Portland 72-55. They were then outscored 42-17 [!!] the rest of the way, including 38-15 in the fourth quarter, en route to losing 97-89. No doubt if you look up "complete and total collapse" in the dictionary, you'll find a short description of this game.
But the Hornets' defeat wasn't due only to a weakness in the backcourt, they were also pitifully feeble up front, getting outrebounded 52-32 by the Blazers. Apparently, the New Orleans players think that "box out" is just a particular kind of pornography. Speaking of which...
Comcast: The Philadelphia branch of the cable giant was forced to apologize Monday to Tucson-area customers because -- get this! -- the Super Bowl was interrupted by 30seconds worth of hard core porn. Seriously. Jennifer Khoury, Comcast's vice president for corporate communications, said: "Our initial investigation suggests this was an isolated malicious act." I'm not sure whether they're talking about the interruption itself or the scene that was actually shown. Maybe both? Anyway, Comcast says they're very sorry about the whole mess and is offering a generous $10 credit for those effected. Which, ironically, is about what they charge viewers for porn on their pay-per-view service.
Update! Groin injuries: Sun Devil sent in this image of CP3 immediately after his right-groin injury. Looks like it smarts something 'bawful. As Sun Devil said: "This is the most powerful piece of expression since Hans Moleman's indie flick."
The Charlotte Bobcats: Despite the continuing absence of Carlos Boozer (knee) and Andrei Kirilenko (ankle) as well as the new absence of Deron Williams (who sat out due to a contusion above his right knee), the 'Cats lost by 19 in Utah. Charlotte is now 0-3 since their miracle win over the Lakers and haven't finished any of those games within single digits of their opponent. The Bobcats actually shot pretty well (50 percent) and got 4 whole points out of former lottery pick Adam Morrison, but they also committed 24 turnovers (which helped the Jazz score an extra 32 points) and missed 8 free throws.
Raja Bell, back-handed compliment machine: Regarding his team's loss to a squad comprised mostly of Utah's backups: "That team that was on the court for them, I'm reluctant to say they're a better team than we are, but they beat us tonight and I'll tip my hat to them." Did anyone actually see Raja's hat? I hope it looked like a giant hot dog.
The Sacramento Kings: The Kings are trying their darnedest to prove that they, and not the Washington
But I'm not here to criticize the team that WON by almost 50 points. Sacramento shot 37 percent, missed 10 threes, committed 26 turnovers (to only 13 assists) and did enough hacking to give up 40 free throw attempts to the Suns. The Suns set a season-high for points (129) and a home record for margin of victory (it was also the largest winning margin by any team this season). But the worst part is that this wasn't even the only time the Kings have lost by 40+ points this season: They also lost by 45 to the Celtics. And that happened in Sacramento.
Bonus facts: The Suns outrebounded the Kings 64-44, including 21 off the offensive boards. They finished with a season-high 30 fast break points. They also had a season-high 16 steals, and they outscored Sacramento 64-34 in the paint.
Chris provided some perfectly bland quotes from Kings coach Kenny Natt's post game press conference: "That was a very embarrassing game." And: "They jumped on us right away and we were never really in the ballgame." Plus: "An all-around lack of effort tonight, offensively, defensively." Furthermore: "When you're hungry, you'll get 21 offensive rebounds, you'll get 59 total rebounds. Their effort was a lot better than ours." Moreover: "We've shown we're a lot better than that and we've played a lot better than that." Finally: "The game was lost in the first five minutes of the game." And yes, that sound you just heard was the Dull-Negrometer exploding.
The Golen State Warriors: The Knicks, Clippers and Kings were all horrible on the defensive end, and the Warriors tried to upstage them. They didn't quite get there, but they did well enough to lose at home in overtime to the Spurs, who exploded for 110 points. And yes, I consider 110 and explosion for the Spurs. Manu Ginobili scored a season-high 32 points and Tim Duncan matched his season-high with an identical 32.
Stephen Jackson actually could have won the game at the end of regulation, but he missed a leaning jumper on which, he thinks, he was hacked. "I got fouled. I took the shot and he hit my arm. I guess I'm not good enough to get that call." The Suns feel your pain, Captain Jack.
Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time out to provide our daily dose of lacktivity.
Mavs-Magic: Ryan Hollins put in a true Voskuhl for Dallas by fouling out after 10:41 of playing time and giving away the ball once, against one made shot and one rebound -- a staggering ratio of 7:3!Kobe Bryant: After spit-roasting the Knicks, Mamba was toweling off in the locker room when he looked over at Luke Walton and said: "You know, Luke, I'm never gonna forget the night we scored 67 together." After a short pause, Kobe said: "How many of those did you score again?" When Luke didn't immediately answer, Kobe said: "I ASKED HOW MANY OF THOSE YOU SCORED, WALTON!" To which Luke was forced to reply "Six." "Oh," said Mamba. "Well, uh, great game and all that."
Grizzlies-Wizards: Greg Buckner was forced into extended playing time, where the pull of contributory basketball simply became irresistible. So Memphis's Kyle Lowry produced his +1 via foul in 3:56, before getting hurt.
Clippers-Heat: With Mike Dunleavy Sr. benching Cheikh Samb, he needed to find two new robber barons, and off his bench came DeAndre Jordan and Jason Hart, who did not disappoint. Jordan's 2.9 trillion nicely complemented a 21-second Mario from Hart.
Lakers-Knicks: After an absence from these reports, Sun Yue heated up with a one-foul +1 in 1:48 at MSG, as the human victory cigar to cap off an offensive explosion by the Lakers (who, highlighted by Kobe's 61 points, never scored fewer than 30 in a quarter -- a clear after-effect of Mike 'antoni efense!!).
Bobcats-Jazz: Alexis Ajinca gave Charlotte a 49 second Mario, coupled with a brick. In those same 49 seconds, Utah's Morris Almond also racked up a Mario -- creating Mario Brothers from opposing teams for once! Almond did get an assist in his limited seconds of court time.
Labels: Comcast Turtles, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Rashad McCants, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night
This weekend was replete with the dormant, idle and motionless NBA masses. As such, Friday was fraught with lacktivity:
Heat-Pacers: Brandon Rush raced his way to a suck differential of +1 (turnover) in 4:10 for Indiana.
Wizards-Sixers: Oleksiy Pecherov racked up a 25-second Mario for the Generals.
Nets-Hawks: Chris Douglas-Roberts has become the Nets' favorite choice for non-contribution, giving New Jersey a +1 (foul) in 1:46. Mario "The Mario" West failed to complete his task as a venture capitalist, blowing a near-two trillion with a board, but he can count on his teammates again to provide some on-court earnings when he falters. Tonight it was Othello Hunter and his 1.2 trillion!
Clippers-Cavs: The Quicken Loans Arena was the site of two high-dollar transactions after the Clippers' first-half competitiveness with the sea creatures washed out in the final two periods. Cheikh Samb once again did his team owner Donald Sterling proud, leeching court time with a calculated 1.2 trillion. Meanwhile, Darnell Jackson assumed the role of the Crabs' lacktivity specialist with a 1.25 trillion of his own, after Tarence Kinsey appeared to hurt himself in the Thurdsay night game against Orlando and did not appear against the Team That Is Who We Thought They Were.
Bobcats-Nuggets: While one block ended a sucky run (brick and giveway) for Denver's Johan Petro in 1:58 of floor time, the French native's surrender of the ball did give him a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 after no rebounds and no points scored!
Bulls-Kings: If the Raptors are the east coast slumpbusters, the jesters in purple and white serve as one of several for the Western Conference, with Bobby Jackson providing a laughable +3 in 2:53 via two giveaways and a brick.
Saturday saw even more soporific lacktion, so let's hit the snooze button of suck:
Nets-Sixers: Just because New Jersey pulled out a close one against the Sixers doesn't mean they didn't have any minutes to give to lacktioneers, and when Chris Douglas-Roberts vandalized his one-foul statline with a field goal, two of his teammates stepped down to fill the void. Josh Boone bricked three times, took a foul, and gave the ball away for a combined +5 in 9:29 -- which ended up giving him a Voskuhl of 2:0 as well! And Eduardo Najera produced a nine-second Super Mario.
Mavs-Heat: Ryan Hollins became a video game hero with a 46 second Mario for Dallas -- looks like he handled the ball much more during a Thursday photo shoot than he did in tonight's game! On Miami's end of things, Marcus Banks burned a potential 4 trillion for with a foul, still good enough for +1 in 4:05. (Less fortunate was Joel Anthony, who took a board that neutralized his own foul.) But the most non-noteworthy appearance of the night has to be Yakhouba Diawara, who as a starter bricked from downtown for a +1 in 6:19!! With that non-performance, Diawara has all but punched his ticket into the All-Lacktion Game!
Lakers-Grizzlies: Marko Jaric's 51-second Mario for Memphis featured a brick. Hawks-Bucks: Acie Law took one foul for +1 in 3:07.
Hornets-Spurs: Ryan "Definitely Not Bruce" Bowen takes a page out of his namesake's playbook and puts up a 1.51 trillion for Byron Scott's team! Bruce himself -- a former trillionaire champion -- had a two-brick stint interrupted by a board and assist, but the Spurs did have Ime Udoka to pull down a 1.15 trillion. And Kurt Thomas's lack of shot attempts led to a Voskuhl of 7:2 (5 fouls + 2 giveaways against 2 rebounds) in 16:54!
Warriors-Rockets: Jermareo Davidson clearly is a true believer in Nellieball as he avoided contributing in his own half-court during a 38 second Mario. Jazz-Blazers: While Kyrylo Fesenko made a shot and took a board that ended a run of lacktivity in 7:10, he still accrued some measurable mediocrity for Utah in the form of a Voskuhl of 5:3 (4 fouls and a giveaway against the above two points and board).
And on the seventh day, He did not rest...from lacktion.
Celtics-Wolves: In 4:09, Patrick O'Bryant quietly racked up a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:1 (one foul and one turnover against one rebound).
Magic-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl and Nathan Jawai made concurrent late-fourth quarter appearances to try to rack up some lacktivity this afternoon, and both brought home different forms of fail. Jawai built a possible case for Lacktion Rookie of the Year with a +1 (turnover) in 2:57; in the same amount of time, Voskuhl did get a rebound to negate a brick -- but then racked up two quick fouls in the last 45 seconds of the game to attain his namesake stat, a 2:1 (2 fouls against 1 rebound and no points) Madsen-level Voskuhl!
An addendum -- apparently I also missed some lacktivity from LAST Sunday (January 26th) as Jawai racked up a +3 in 1:49 against Suckramento with an airball (on his first ever attempt at an NBA shot), rejection, and foul! THIS means...yeah, he is a clear favorite for top lacktion rookie with three straight (though not consecutive for the team) non-contributing appearances to start his tenure in the Association -- a streak now of 5:27 without a single positive statistic!
Cavs-Pistons: With the Crabs positively overwhelming Auburn Hills's aged athletes in the fourth, the Pistons were left to bring out two lacktion specialists to sop up court time. Will "The Other" Bynum lived up to recent potential with a 41 second Mario. Jason Maxiell used Super Bowl Sunday as his on-court "rest day" in the wake of taking that flagrant in his last game, and resisted the lures of the free throw line with two bricks! This refusal of charity added to a 4:34 that also included a missed field goal, a rejection, and two fouls for a robust suck differential of +6.
Thunder-Kings: In a highly unanticipated battle at Arco Arena, Oklahoma City (plenty of offense this afternoon!) and Suckramento each fought hard in overtime for a 38th loss, which the Thunder achieved. Thunder reservist Chris Wilcox, through 4:28 of lacktivity, gave himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:1 with three fouls against one rebound (and no shot attempts).
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: guest author, lacktion report
Thursday nights are for the twin TNT games -- a chance for lacktioneers to shirk away from the bright spotlight...only they end up illuminated by the reality of a national television audience!
Magic-Cavs: With the Crabs getting baked by an Orlando offensive onslaught, Mike Brown let Jawad Williams mine the sea floor for gold, and Williams rewarded his coach by crawling his way to a 1.35 trillion. Guess that justifies his most recent 10-day contract...
And yes, Tarence Kinsey dunked. Again. (Over Dwight Howard no less!!) Any more of this and he might be playing his way off of the All-Lacktion roster!
Spurs-Suns: Jared Dudley's 5.1 trillion no doubt shone more brightly than his Phoenix teammates did, as the Spurs were able to pull away late.
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: guest author, Jared Dudley, Jawad Williams, lacktion report, Tarence Kinsey
Editor's note: Dr. Basketbawfulstein has, apparently, created a lacktion monster. That is all.
Raptors-Nets: Roko Ukic gave the dinos +2 via foul and giveaway in 3:16, while Jake Voskuhl did not score his namesake stat, matching a foul with a rebound. He did rack up another eponymous form of lacktion, a 41-second Mario!
Devin Harris experiences Jake Voskuhl's "Put your hands in the air if you just don't care" efense, which happily obliges him to the paint.
Pacers-Bucks: Roy Hibbert got himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl, with 1 foul and 1 giveaway against 1 board in just a minute of playing time (2:1 ratio).
Hawks-Knicks: Acie Law is a sure bet for lacktivity, providing the Hawks a +1 in 5:53 after missing from behind the arc. THE Mario West was productive in earning yet another of his namesake Marios, actually scoring on one shot and making a steal in a mere 53 seconds.
Kings-Celtics: You know that the announcers have given up on the court jesters when they spend two minutes late in the fourth quarter telling prattle tales about...former Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr. Yes. NBA announcers talking hockey -- vintage hockey at that! -- with the Comcast Sports California cameramen focusing on Orr's retired number in the rafters of TDBanknorth Garden. Ouch. Wow, then the Kings graphics identified Jerry Reynolds with the caption "Happy Early Birthday." When you can press the "L" button in the on-screen stats before you even get to the next road game -- four in a row on this terrible roadtrip -- I can see the production folks having nothing better to do than to play around. Production prattle tales too, I guess.
Suckramento received a couple of great non-performances in Boston tonight, Donte Greene's four trillion and Shelden Williams's +2 via brick and a giveaway in 3:06. The home team sent out a human victory cigar in a dark horse All-Lacktion candidate, Patrick O'Bryant, who missed two shots and took a foul for +3 in 4:02.
Note to Mr. Williams...attempting to high-five Eddie House's wrist is NOT the same as hand-in-the-face.
In the House Party Live postgame show, the studio folks (Jim Kozimor and Christiensen) reminded us that the Celtics were able to rack a full 30 assists on the Sacramento efense. Stunning. Coach Kenny Natt at the press conference: "We had a really down [second] quarter, gave up 40 points." Understatement much? "I'll keep pressing these guys for consistency and 48 minute effort." I think this turnip's been pressed so much that there's nothing left to drain, other than the potential of a second dead coach bounce.
Natt then blamed the loss on a "lack of execution" and missing defensive intensity. Well, they showed plenty of efensive intensity, the type of mediocre play that can seperate you from "hoping to be first round fodder as an 8 seed" to "lottery," so the Kings have that going for them at least. Apparently the Kings are considering keeping their "options open" for the incumbent coach; those options probably include "forced resignation" and "sudden termination" and not much else. Co-host Kozimornow laid some smack down on House Party Live: "I think the Bulls are the Kings...I think Larry Hughes is John Salmons." Wow, damning someone with anti-praise there. (And Hughes is much more prone to the DNP-CD, due to his trade demands, than the former trillionaire titlist.) Why do I think the Friday tilt between these two terrible teams is anything but Must-See TV?
Grizzlies-Thunder: Does Greg Buckner read Basketbawful? Someone must've alerted him to his latest lapses away from lacktion, as he responded with a 1.1 trillion return to form tonight at the Ford Center.
Here's a special note for the baby cubs as a whole, who were outscored 14-2 in OT by Klahma. Ouch! Quite the ffensive effort, especially in light of the Thunder playing solid late-game efense in giving up a 12-point lead in the fourth. The Grizzlies did take an early 102-100 lead in the extra session, only to forget what the point of basketball is -- which, of course, is to score the most points on the night. OJ Mayo even marked his selection to the Rookie-Soph Challenge game at All-Star weekend by taking an overtime rejection from Kevin Durant. (With Durant's double-double, can we say that his transition from "Bill Simmons Underrated" to "Paul Millsap Level" is inevitable?)
Nuggets-Hornets: Denver's Johan Petro bricked once for a Madsen-level Voskuhl, taking 1 foul and 1 turnover against no points or rebounds (2:0 ratio) in three minutes.
Pistons-Wolves: With Brian Cardinal successful at the charity stripe, Kevin McFail had to rely on someone else to provide his team's usual share of lacktivity, and he found a potential black hole of brilliance amongst the conscripts: Rodney Carney. Carney was on the floor for 12:25 and pulled out a +5 with two bricks (one from downtown), a turnover, and two fouls!
Sixers-Rockets: Theo Ratliff gave Philly a 1.3 trillion fortune, which will no doubt create as much cap space as his old Expiring Contract once did. And Knee-Mac failed in the clutch, watching his desperation three get redirected as time expired.
Warriors-Mavs: UGH. Entering the third, Anthony Morrow had a two brick performance going in 10 minutes. Then I mentioned it to a friend while talking online...and whaddya know, I stat-cursed him into making a shot. So Rob Kurz tried to bring Don Nelson's team of unrelated puzzle pieces some lacktion of his own...only to ruin three bricks and three fouls with a board, the same ailment that also interrupted a potential acquisition of wealth by Jermareo Davidson. Yeah, Nellie Ball failed on both legitimate contribution and lacktivity tonight, as Jason Kidd's 9 assists proved.
One of the ESPN commentators just called Brandon Bass a "Paul Millsap kind of guy." Guess Millsap has offically stopped being underrated, and somewhere in the distance, Carlos Boozer is preparing for a bank run knowing his next contract just got devalued even further. Immediately after that, another of the booth guys randomly told a prattle tale about odd sports names that are hard to spell, asking his partner if he could spell [John] Buccigross and [Ben] Roethlisberger off the top of his head.
Blazers-Bobcats: With Charlotte getting terribly outclassed early on, the human victory cigars got to taste court time sooner than expected, with Channing Frye making it two games of lacktion in a row with +1 (foul) in 2:06, and Shavlik Randolph just missing out on a trillion with a 58-second Mario.
Bulls-Clippers: You know you are who we thought you were when your team gets punished with a 20-point loss to the lackluster heifers, at YOUR own "home" arena (which is akin to saying that the Sacramento Monarchs are "home" at Arco). And Mike Dunleavy Sr. and the team he assembled in Los Angeles really are who we thought they were. To celebrate, Vinny Del Negro opened up the cigar case and got Cedric Simmons some court time, 2:28 to be exact, which netted him a +1 via foul. (Even if the few self-aware Clippers fans in the audience could see Simmons walking out there as a sign to dash to the parking lot, they'd still find themselves stalled out along the Harbor Freeway at some point.)
Amd while Steve Novak did not rack up lacktion like he is capable of doing, he DID miss seven attempts from downtown (out of a total of 20 team three-point attempts!), before pocketing two points within the arc. I wonder if at some point he and Dunleavy must've figured out, "This can't be working, let's try something else" -- nah. It's the Clippers we're talking about after all.
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Raptors-Nets: Roko Ukic gave the dinos +2 via foul and giveaway in 3:16, while Jake Voskuhl did not score his namesake stat, matching a foul with a rebound. He did rack up another eponymous form of lacktion, a 41-second Mario!
Pacers-Bucks: Roy Hibbert got himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl, with 1 foul and 1 giveaway against 1 board in just a minute of playing time (2:1 ratio).
Hawks-Knicks: Acie Law is a sure bet for lacktivity, providing the Hawks a +1 in 5:53 after missing from behind the arc. THE Mario West was productive in earning yet another of his namesake Marios, actually scoring on one shot and making a steal in a mere 53 seconds.
Kings-Celtics: You know that the announcers have given up on the court jesters when they spend two minutes late in the fourth quarter telling prattle tales about...former Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr. Yes. NBA announcers talking hockey -- vintage hockey at that! -- with the Comcast Sports California cameramen focusing on Orr's retired number in the rafters of TDBanknorth Garden. Ouch. Wow, then the Kings graphics identified Jerry Reynolds with the caption "Happy Early Birthday." When you can press the "L" button in the on-screen stats before you even get to the next road game -- four in a row on this terrible roadtrip -- I can see the production folks having nothing better to do than to play around. Production prattle tales too, I guess.
Suckramento received a couple of great non-performances in Boston tonight, Donte Greene's four trillion and Shelden Williams's +2 via brick and a giveaway in 3:06. The home team sent out a human victory cigar in a dark horse All-Lacktion candidate, Patrick O'Bryant, who missed two shots and took a foul for +3 in 4:02.
In the House Party Live postgame show, the studio folks (Jim Kozimor and Christiensen) reminded us that the Celtics were able to rack a full 30 assists on the Sacramento efense. Stunning. Coach Kenny Natt at the press conference: "We had a really down [second] quarter, gave up 40 points." Understatement much? "I'll keep pressing these guys for consistency and 48 minute effort." I think this turnip's been pressed so much that there's nothing left to drain, other than the potential of a second dead coach bounce.
Natt then blamed the loss on a "lack of execution" and missing defensive intensity. Well, they showed plenty of efensive intensity, the type of mediocre play that can seperate you from "hoping to be first round fodder as an 8 seed" to "lottery," so the Kings have that going for them at least. Apparently the Kings are considering keeping their "options open" for the incumbent coach; those options probably include "forced resignation" and "sudden termination" and not much else. Co-host Kozimornow laid some smack down on House Party Live: "I think the Bulls are the Kings...I think Larry Hughes is John Salmons." Wow, damning someone with anti-praise there. (And Hughes is much more prone to the DNP-CD, due to his trade demands, than the former trillionaire titlist.) Why do I think the Friday tilt between these two terrible teams is anything but Must-See TV?
Grizzlies-Thunder: Does Greg Buckner read Basketbawful? Someone must've alerted him to his latest lapses away from lacktion, as he responded with a 1.1 trillion return to form tonight at the Ford Center.
Here's a special note for the baby cubs as a whole, who were outscored 14-2 in OT by Klahma. Ouch! Quite the ffensive effort, especially in light of the Thunder playing solid late-game efense in giving up a 12-point lead in the fourth. The Grizzlies did take an early 102-100 lead in the extra session, only to forget what the point of basketball is -- which, of course, is to score the most points on the night. OJ Mayo even marked his selection to the Rookie-Soph Challenge game at All-Star weekend by taking an overtime rejection from Kevin Durant. (With Durant's double-double, can we say that his transition from "Bill Simmons Underrated" to "Paul Millsap Level" is inevitable?)
Nuggets-Hornets: Denver's Johan Petro bricked once for a Madsen-level Voskuhl, taking 1 foul and 1 turnover against no points or rebounds (2:0 ratio) in three minutes.
Pistons-Wolves: With Brian Cardinal successful at the charity stripe, Kevin McFail had to rely on someone else to provide his team's usual share of lacktivity, and he found a potential black hole of brilliance amongst the conscripts: Rodney Carney. Carney was on the floor for 12:25 and pulled out a +5 with two bricks (one from downtown), a turnover, and two fouls!
Sixers-Rockets: Theo Ratliff gave Philly a 1.3 trillion fortune, which will no doubt create as much cap space as his old Expiring Contract once did. And Knee-Mac failed in the clutch, watching his desperation three get redirected as time expired.
Warriors-Mavs: UGH. Entering the third, Anthony Morrow had a two brick performance going in 10 minutes. Then I mentioned it to a friend while talking online...and whaddya know, I stat-cursed him into making a shot. So Rob Kurz tried to bring Don Nelson's team of unrelated puzzle pieces some lacktion of his own...only to ruin three bricks and three fouls with a board, the same ailment that also interrupted a potential acquisition of wealth by Jermareo Davidson. Yeah, Nellie Ball failed on both legitimate contribution and lacktivity tonight, as Jason Kidd's 9 assists proved.
One of the ESPN commentators just called Brandon Bass a "Paul Millsap kind of guy." Guess Millsap has offically stopped being underrated, and somewhere in the distance, Carlos Boozer is preparing for a bank run knowing his next contract just got devalued even further. Immediately after that, another of the booth guys randomly told a prattle tale about odd sports names that are hard to spell, asking his partner if he could spell [John] Buccigross and [Ben] Roethlisberger off the top of his head.
Blazers-Bobcats: With Charlotte getting terribly outclassed early on, the human victory cigars got to taste court time sooner than expected, with Channing Frye making it two games of lacktion in a row with +1 (foul) in 2:06, and Shavlik Randolph just missing out on a trillion with a 58-second Mario.
Bulls-Clippers: You know you are who we thought you were when your team gets punished with a 20-point loss to the lackluster heifers, at YOUR own "home" arena (which is akin to saying that the Sacramento Monarchs are "home" at Arco). And Mike Dunleavy Sr. and the team he assembled in Los Angeles really are who we thought they were. To celebrate, Vinny Del Negro opened up the cigar case and got Cedric Simmons some court time, 2:28 to be exact, which netted him a +1 via foul. (Even if the few self-aware Clippers fans in the audience could see Simmons walking out there as a sign to dash to the parking lot, they'd still find themselves stalled out along the Harbor Freeway at some point.)
Amd while Steve Novak did not rack up lacktion like he is capable of doing, he DID miss seven attempts from downtown (out of a total of 20 team three-point attempts!), before pocketing two points within the arc. I wonder if at some point he and Dunleavy must've figured out, "This can't be working, let's try something else" -- nah. It's the Clippers we're talking about after all.
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: guest author, lacktion report
Kings-Cavs: Surprising name not on the list tonight, as Tarence Kinsey made four of six shots and is firmly in a lacktion slump! So two of his teammates -- the usually solid Wally Szczerbiak and bench presence Darnell Jackson -- decided to bail their fellow crustacean out. Wally World clearly was not in his element in this role and his natural tendency for contribution unfortunately shone through, ruining three bricks and a giveaway with one made free throw. Jackson however came through in the non-clutch with +1 (missed shot) in 4:04!
King Crab is in shock as Tarence Kinsey painfully listens to the dark side and puts down a DUNK!
Oh, and Kinsey is starting to get notable enough to have an entire article dedicated to him -- which mentions his appearance in all four games of the recent West Coast swing. (What that story doesn't tell you, of course, is that three of the four games in his epic streak of lacktivity occurred on that trip!)
Another previous lacktion achiever who avoided a successfuly unspectacular run was Bobby Jackson, who gave the jesters a laughable assist during a sleepy sixteen and a half minutes to negate twin droppings of downtown masonry.
Update! Watch this amazing putback by LeBron:
Since Wally World's brick turned into King Crab's monster slam, I guess we can actually award him a KOBE BRYANT ASSIST!
Nuggets-Grizzlies: In easily handling the baby cubs, who have shown that no amount of Generalissimo Franco holding the clipboard can create a bounce for this lackluster squad, the Nuggets brought out two human victory cigars to alert the few Memphis fans in attendance to walk slowly to their cars and beat the traffic on Interstate 40. Renaldo Balkman put up a +3 (two fouls and a turnover) in 3:30, and Sonny Weems provided a +1 in 2:19 via one turnover.
Marc Gasol earned the average bears a Voskuhl by spending 19:50 unleashing 4 fouls against 5 bricks and 2 rebounds! His compatriot Greg Buckner is another big-time lacktioneer currently shying away from coldness, ruining a foul in two minutes through one rebound.
Marc Gasol's "armpit hair" efense doesn't count toward the Voskuhl, but poetically represents it well.
Spurs-Jazz: One brick gave San Antoni's Ime Udoka a +1 in 8:53. Brevin Knight's 4.15 trillion made up for some unworthy missed chances from his Jazz teammates, as Kyrylo Fesenko wasted a triple-brick performance (including two unmade charity stripe shots) in two and a half minutes with a board, the same obstacle that stopped a 43-second Mario attempt by Kosta Koufos. [Editor's note: Marios are not canceled out by meaningful stats; only trillions. ~Basketbawful]
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Oh, and Kinsey is starting to get notable enough to have an entire article dedicated to him -- which mentions his appearance in all four games of the recent West Coast swing. (What that story doesn't tell you, of course, is that three of the four games in his epic streak of lacktivity occurred on that trip!)
Another previous lacktion achiever who avoided a successfuly unspectacular run was Bobby Jackson, who gave the jesters a laughable assist during a sleepy sixteen and a half minutes to negate twin droppings of downtown masonry.
Update! Watch this amazing putback by LeBron:
Since Wally World's brick turned into King Crab's monster slam, I guess we can actually award him a KOBE BRYANT ASSIST!
Nuggets-Grizzlies: In easily handling the baby cubs, who have shown that no amount of Generalissimo Franco holding the clipboard can create a bounce for this lackluster squad, the Nuggets brought out two human victory cigars to alert the few Memphis fans in attendance to walk slowly to their cars and beat the traffic on Interstate 40. Renaldo Balkman put up a +3 (two fouls and a turnover) in 3:30, and Sonny Weems provided a +1 in 2:19 via one turnover.
Marc Gasol earned the average bears a Voskuhl by spending 19:50 unleashing 4 fouls against 5 bricks and 2 rebounds! His compatriot Greg Buckner is another big-time lacktioneer currently shying away from coldness, ruining a foul in two minutes through one rebound.
Spurs-Jazz: One brick gave San Antoni's Ime Udoka a +1 in 8:53. Brevin Knight's 4.15 trillion made up for some unworthy missed chances from his Jazz teammates, as Kyrylo Fesenko wasted a triple-brick performance (including two unmade charity stripe shots) in two and a half minutes with a board, the same obstacle that stopped a 43-second Mario attempt by Kosta Koufos. [Editor's note: Marios are not canceled out by meaningful stats; only trillions. ~Basketbawful]
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: guest author, lacktion report
Editor's note: Since the lacktion reports have been increasing in popularity and awesomeness, they will now be getting their own posts...until our lacktion reporter gets tired of doing them.
Sixers-Hornets: Marreese Speights, the Sixers' most recent first round draft pick, has been productive in recent stints. However, since Elton Brand's recovery, the Sixers have been bent on including the ex-Clipper deadweight on the court to slow down the game and make it easier for other teams to grab victory off of the Comcast Turtles' Conveyor Belt of Fail. (Anyone who has seen one of those annoying commercials will know this reference all too well.)
So with Brand firmly re-inserted into the lineup as the human jaws of defeat, Speights had to change his focus from contributing to the uptempo offense during Elton's absence to earning notability through the lacktion writeup. Two fouls and 3:02 later, he proudly achieved a +2, which involved much less masonry than Elton's statline (three missed shots, compounded by two turnovers!).
Sadly, in this case, lacktion was much more of a positive contribution than a Big Free Agent Signing's start.
Update! Wow. Immediately after Marreese Speights had his first taste of lacktion for 2009, Bill Simmons goes out and declares him underrated, putting him in the same company as Millsap, Durant and...Manny Ramirez? Huh?
Blazers-Clippers: Channing Frye served as Portland's human victory cigar against The Team That Is Who We Thought It Was, scoring a beautiful 1.9 trillion at Staples Center in the midst of a 25-point win. Conversely, Mike Dunleavy's squad of castoffs all demonstrated why they are not on professionally-operated basketball teams, as three bench jockeys managed to ruin exemplary runs of coldness with insignificant contributions.
Jason Hart trashed an eight-minute run of one foul by tossing the ball to a scoring teammate for an exasperating assist, while Ricky Davis let a missed shot land onto his palms for a brick-and-foul negating rebound, the same problem Cheikh Samb had. Samb (the focal point of the Iverson/Billups trade -- at least for lacktion enthusiasts) bungled a two-brick non-performance in nearly five minutes with the aforementioned board.
And now up on Deadspin: Cheikh Samb gets posterized!
About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...
Labels: Channing Frye, Cheikh Samb, Comcast Turtles, Elton Brand, guest author, lacktion report, Los Angeles Clippers, Marreese Speights, Mike Dunleavy Sr., Philadelphia 76ers, Portland Trail Blazers
Belated Cheryl Miller, quote machine: 747 commented: "I am really shocked nobody else noticed or mentioned the Cheryl Miller quote Machine. The greatest women's player ever can't say Barack Obama. If anybody caught it during the Celtics-Suns game: "Barama (gets flustered) Obama Barama (gives up on saying it right)." It's even funnier when you listen to it. So...do it.
The Indiana Pacers: After watching them lose (by my count) at least 18 close, winnable games this season, it was almost refreshing to see Indy get blown out 99-81 by the Spurs. It was pretty much what I expected from Jim O'Brien's "Mike D'Antoni-lite" offensive system versus Gregg Popovich's boa constrictor defense. The Pacers, who are currently fifth in the league in scoring at 104.2 PPG, netted 81 against the Spurs on 37 percent shooting. I'd say they are who we thought they were, but the truth is, I have no idea who they are anymore. Memo to Pacers: Who are you??
Still, the Pacers have to feel kind of bad, considering this is the same San Antonio squad that got routed by the Sixers and then barely finished of the Bulls and Bobcats. But the Spurs blasted the Pacers so badly that none of their big guns logged more than 26 minutes. Said Manu Ginobili: "We're not used to games like this. I don't know how many times it's happened this year. But we are very glad that we did have one." Translation: Thanks for sucking so badly against us, our fine Hoosier friends!
Danny Granger, quote machine: "Once the lead got close to 30, it was hard to make a comeback." Sad trombone!
The Chicago Bulls: [Shameless Plug Alert!!] You can read more about their failure at By The Horns, but the gist of it is that they blew a winnable game by turning the ball over 18 times, essentially gifting the Hawks with 22 free points...kinda like those bonus levels in Super Mario Brothers that are full of cold coins and no enemies. Of course, it doesn't help that they have no go-to guy, Derrick Rose can't get a call and Vinny Del Negro can't coach. Oh, and let's not forget...
Tyrus Thomas: His Jekyll and Hyde season continued last night, as T-Time followed up his strong game versus the Knicks (19 points, 10 rebounds) with a flatulent stinkbomb against the Hawks (2-for-7, 1 rebound, 5 fouls in 19 minutes). You know how some players get described as having a basketball IQ that's off the charts? Well, that certainly goes for Tyrus...only it's because no existing chart ranks low enough to measure his bball knowledge. He's like a T-Rex: Great big body, itty-bitty brain. Not nearly as scary, tho'.
Larry Hughes,
The Sacramento Kings: Okay, is anybody surprised they got slaughtered by 19 in Denver? Show of hands? Anybody? Yeah. Didn't think so. Not that I expect any better, but their defense was, well, it made me shudder like somebody had slipped me a ham sandwich filled with spiders. Like, those creepy daddy longleg types. They let the Nuggets shoot 56 percent for the game and make Linas Kleiza (27 points on 11-for-17 shooting) look like the second coming of Carmelo Anthony. Said Kings inmate Bobby Jackson: "Looked like lay-up drills for them. It was lay-up drill central, just like it has been all year." Now that there's a happy player!
Added Kings interim head coach Kenny Natt: "A bad, bad night for us, to say the least. We lost our focus and we gave up a lot of easy baskets, transition points. They got a lot of layups. We didn't defend hard and they took advantage of every opportunity that was there." It might be time to put Bobby and Kenny on NBA suicide watch. You know, along with every member of the Los Angeles Clippers.
Update! An anonymous commenter made the following observation: "Now I know you already mentioned the Kings in your WotN. And I also realize that +/- is not always the most reliable stat, but I still think this requires mentioning. When your +/- for 5 players on your team reads as follows: -22, -6, -23, -25, -22 and those are your starters, i.e. hypothetically your best players, you are an exceptionally bad team." SAD FACE for Sacramento.
Brad Miller: I keep seeing this guy's name surface in trade talk. And last night's line -- 2 points (0-for-4), 3 rebounds and 4 fouls -- just made me think: "WHY, GOD?! WHY?!" Gene Keady does NOT approve, Brad.
Carlos Boozer: Paul Milsap's line: 28 points (12-for-20, 4-for-4 from the line), 15 rebounds (9 of which were offensive), 3 assists, 2 steals and only 1 fouls in almost 42 minutes. I'm just sayin'
Lacktion report: Chris continues to whisper sweet, sweet lacktivity in our ears:
Hawks-Bulls: So apparently the Hawks have been paying attention the lacktion report, as the suggestion for more playing time for THE Mario West was answered. Thankfully, Mario's performance tonight suggests he pays attention too -- as when given the choice between actually earning more playing time through productivity, or ensuring a place in another insomnia-curing writeup, he decided on maintaining his familiar spot here. Against Chicago, Mr. West nearly took down a 7 trillion, only to turn it into +1 in 7:12 via a foul. That type of on-court snoozing will undoubtedly bolster his case to be the starting guard for the Eastern Conference All-Lacktion squad. [Also, as one anonymous commenter pointed out: "You forgot to mention that Mario had a plus-minus score of -17 in his 7 minutes. Now that's lacktion!" ~Basketbawful]Kobe Bryant: Mamba slipped a whole package of lunch meat under Luke Walton's covers. He also used his toilet without flushing. And I'm talking number two.
Kings-Nuggets: Suckramento's Mikki Moore fouled three times and tossed a brick for +4 in an unproductive 8:36. On the other hand, Sonny Weems sadly denied his Nuggets a scoreline of fail, demoralizing lacktion enthusiasts with a steal that marred a near-six minutes of non-scoring (five missed shots, twice from downtown), a rejection, plus a foul.
Labels: Brad Miller, Carlos Boozer, Cheryl Miller, Chicago Bulls, Danny Granger, fan submissions, Indiana Pacers, lacktion report, Larry Hughes, Sacramento Kings, Tyrus Thomas, Worst of the Night
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