siesta

This weekend was replete with the dormant, idle and motionless NBA masses. As such, Friday was fraught with lacktivity:

Heat-Pacers: Brandon Rush raced his way to a suck differential of +1 (turnover) in 4:10 for Indiana.

Wizards-Sixers: Oleksiy Pecherov racked up a 25-second Mario for the Generals.

Nets-Hawks: Chris Douglas-Roberts has become the Nets' favorite choice for non-contribution, giving New Jersey a +1 (foul) in 1:46. Mario "The Mario" West failed to complete his task as a venture capitalist, blowing a near-two trillion with a board, but he can count on his teammates again to provide some on-court earnings when he falters. Tonight it was Othello Hunter and his 1.2 trillion!

Clippers-Cavs: The Quicken Loans Arena was the site of two high-dollar transactions after the Clippers' first-half competitiveness with the sea creatures washed out in the final two periods. Cheikh Samb once again did his team owner Donald Sterling proud, leeching court time with a calculated 1.2 trillion. Meanwhile, Darnell Jackson assumed the role of the Crabs' lacktivity specialist with a 1.25 trillion of his own, after Tarence Kinsey appeared to hurt himself in the Thurdsay night game against Orlando and did not appear against the Team That Is Who We Thought They Were.

Bobcats-Nuggets: While one block ended a sucky run (brick and giveway) for Denver's Johan Petro in 1:58 of floor time, the French native's surrender of the ball did give him a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 after no rebounds and no points scored!

Bulls-Kings: If the Raptors are the east coast slumpbusters, the jesters in purple and white serve as one of several for the Western Conference, with Bobby Jackson providing a laughable +3 in 2:53 via two giveaways and a brick.

bobby
Little did Bobby Jackson know that 'enver would
only be the first taste of bawful in his career...

Saturday saw even more soporific lacktion, so let's hit the snooze button of suck:

Nets-Sixers: Just because New Jersey pulled out a close one against the Sixers doesn't mean they didn't have any minutes to give to lacktioneers, and when Chris Douglas-Roberts vandalized his one-foul statline with a field goal, two of his teammates stepped down to fill the void. Josh Boone bricked three times, took a foul, and gave the ball away for a combined +5 in 9:29 -- which ended up giving him a Voskuhl of 2:0 as well! And Eduardo Najera produced a nine-second Super Mario.

Mavs-Heat: Ryan Hollins became a video game hero with a 46 second Mario for Dallas -- looks like he handled the ball much more during a Thursday photo shoot than he did in tonight's game! On Miami's end of things, Marcus Banks burned a potential 4 trillion for with a foul, still good enough for +1 in 4:05. (Less fortunate was Joel Anthony, who took a board that neutralized his own foul.) But the most non-noteworthy appearance of the night has to be Yakhouba Diawara, who as a starter bricked from downtown for a +1 in 6:19!! With that non-performance, Diawara has all but punched his ticket into the All-Lacktion Game!

Diawara
Is Yakhouba saluting Josh Howard's YouTube skills?

Lakers-Grizzlies: Marko Jaric's 51-second Mario for Memphis featured a brick. Hawks-Bucks: Acie Law took one foul for +1 in 3:07.

Hornets-Spurs: Ryan "Definitely Not Bruce" Bowen takes a page out of his namesake's playbook and puts up a 1.51 trillion for Byron Scott's team! Bruce himself -- a former trillionaire champion -- had a two-brick stint interrupted by a board and assist, but the Spurs did have Ime Udoka to pull down a 1.15 trillion. And Kurt Thomas's lack of shot attempts led to a Voskuhl of 7:2 (5 fouls + 2 giveaways against 2 rebounds) in 16:54!

Warriors-Rockets: Jermareo Davidson clearly is a true believer in Nellieball as he avoided contributing in his own half-court during a 38 second Mario. Jazz-Blazers: While Kyrylo Fesenko made a shot and took a board that ended a run of lacktivity in 7:10, he still accrued some measurable mediocrity for Utah in the form of a Voskuhl of 5:3 (4 fouls and a giveaway against the above two points and board).

Zilla

And on the seventh day, He did not rest...from lacktion.

Celtics-Wolves: In 4:09, Patrick O'Bryant quietly racked up a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:1 (one foul and one turnover against one rebound).

Magic-Raptors: Jake Voskuhl and Nathan Jawai made concurrent late-fourth quarter appearances to try to rack up some lacktivity this afternoon, and both brought home different forms of fail. Jawai built a possible case for Lacktion Rookie of the Year with a +1 (turnover) in 2:57; in the same amount of time, Voskuhl did get a rebound to negate a brick -- but then racked up two quick fouls in the last 45 seconds of the game to attain his namesake stat, a 2:1 (2 fouls against 1 rebound and no points) Madsen-level Voskuhl!

wave
Nathan, I know you're new to the NBA and all, but
clapping when you're scored against in the paint
isn't good sportsmanship, it's just bawful.

An addendum -- apparently I also missed some lacktivity from LAST Sunday (January 26th) as Jawai racked up a +3 in 1:49 against Suckramento with an airball (on his first ever attempt at an NBA shot), rejection, and foul! THIS means...yeah, he is a clear favorite for top lacktion rookie with three straight (though not consecutive for the team) non-contributing appearances to start his tenure in the Association -- a streak now of 5:27 without a single positive statistic!

Cavs-Pistons: With the Crabs positively overwhelming Auburn Hills's aged athletes in the fourth, the Pistons were left to bring out two lacktion specialists to sop up court time. Will "The Other" Bynum lived up to recent potential with a 41 second Mario. Jason Maxiell used Super Bowl Sunday as his on-court "rest day" in the wake of taking that flagrant in his last game, and resisted the lures of the free throw line with two bricks! This refusal of charity added to a 4:34 that also included a missed field goal, a rejection, and two fouls for a robust suck differential of +6.

Thunder-Kings: In a highly unanticipated battle at Arco Arena, Oklahoma City (plenty of offense this afternoon!) and Suckramento each fought hard in overtime for a 38th loss, which the Thunder achieved. Thunder reservist Chris Wilcox, through 4:28 of lacktivity, gave himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 3:1 with three fouls against one rebound (and no shot attempts).

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

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10 Comments:
Anonymous AK Dave said...
...Gotta get me one of those sombreros!

Blogger Bobbo said...
I wouldn't consider myself to be PC by any stretch of the imagination but am I crazy in thinking that "dull negrometer" sounds insanely racist?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Bobbo -- Just remember that it's a play on Vinny Del Negro's name...

Blogger Bobbo said...
yeah, I realize that. It just still makes me feel vaguely dirty. sorry for posting this in the wrong thread btw.

keep up the good work you racist bastard.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm sorry, but focusing on lacktion all the time is pretty boring. Of course a bunch of career towel wavers are going to come off the bench for a minute and do nothing. Who the fuck cares? Your blog's job is to be amusing. Right now, it is not. You need to go back to focusing on quotes of the day and silly pictures, and only mario watch for the all-stars like Mario West if you're going to become a blog worth reading again. Hell, even man love is preferable to this.

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
STAT CURSE UPDATE

the last thing I remember saying involved, "...Oden's really good... I'm lucky to have Deron Williams on my fantasy squad..."

Hmm... now I see that D-Will's injured again; and, it might be time for me to re-sign G.O...

oh well, I bet I could still be the GM of the Clippers.

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
You know what, Chris, Anonymous is right. You suck.

Wait, no, that was supposed to say, "Anonymous, if you don't like it, you can go to Russia; or, skim past it... if I put a bottle of cyanide in between you and your Coors Light, would you just HAVE to drink it?"

In other news, I am now very excited about Nathan Jawai. How does he compare to some of the Hall of Failures? Like... dare I ask... Greg Ostertag? (the other G.O... ugh, damn you Greg Oden!)

For real, Chris, keep it up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I have to agree with Anonymous. The "Lacktion" reports bore me. I can't even work up a tizzy or even a decent rave about them. Basketbawful used to be "must read" for me nightly. Now, I stop by, and if I'm greeted by a "lacktion" report I click away.

I am lacktation intolerant.
In fact, you should give a WotN to your own lacktion coverage. The reason those players don't get any meaningful stats is because they aren't meaningful, to either the game or to your readers. So why all the typeface in their honor?

Blogger chris said...
Tony.bluntana - Hey, I only aim to please. :p

Nathan Jawai's background as a Southern Hemisphere baller and as a D-Leaguer probably didn't quite prepare him for non-contributions in the big show...but so far he's still up here. (Which begs the question, does he really benefit at all - in a non-bawful way - from limited action in the NBA, as opposed to being more of a factor in lower leagues?)

Anonymous AK Dave said...
tony.blutana:

I might actually drink the cyanide INSTEAD of a coors light... that's some nasty shit. They call it "The coldest tasting beer on earth". OK, how the F*CK does "cold" taste? That's like hearing color or touching sound. It makes no sense. Cold has no flavor, you f*cktards. Don't insult me with your empty and asinine ad campaign!

Pass the cyanide...

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