Editor's note: Dr. Basketbawfulstein has, apparently, created a lacktion monster. That is all.

Raptors-Nets: Roko Ukic gave the dinos +2 via foul and giveaway in 3:16, while Jake Voskuhl did not score his namesake stat, matching a foul with a rebound. He did rack up another eponymous form of lacktion, a 41-second Mario!

Harris D
Devin Harris experiences Jake Voskuhl's "Put your
hands in the air if you just don't care" efense,
which happily obliges him to the paint.

Pacers-Bucks: Roy Hibbert got himself a Madsen-level Voskuhl, with 1 foul and 1 giveaway against 1 board in just a minute of playing time (2:1 ratio).

Hawks-Knicks: Acie Law is a sure bet for lacktivity, providing the Hawks a +1 in 5:53 after missing from behind the arc. THE Mario West was productive in earning yet another of his namesake Marios, actually scoring on one shot and making a steal in a mere 53 seconds.

Kings-Celtics: You know that the announcers have given up on the court jesters when they spend two minutes late in the fourth quarter telling prattle tales about...former Boston Bruins defenseman Bobby Orr. Yes. NBA announcers talking hockey -- vintage hockey at that! -- with the Comcast Sports California cameramen focusing on Orr's retired number in the rafters of TDBanknorth Garden. Ouch. Wow, then the Kings graphics identified Jerry Reynolds with the caption "Happy Early Birthday." When you can press the "L" button in the on-screen stats before you even get to the next road game -- four in a row on this terrible roadtrip -- I can see the production folks having nothing better to do than to play around. Production prattle tales too, I guess.

Suckramento received a couple of great non-performances in Boston tonight, Donte Greene's four trillion and Shelden Williams's +2 via brick and a giveaway in 3:06. The home team sent out a human victory cigar in a dark horse All-Lacktion candidate, Patrick O'Bryant, who missed two shots and took a foul for +3 in 4:02.

big dot
Note to Mr. Williams...attempting to high-five Eddie
House's wrist is NOT the same as hand-in-the-face.

In the House Party Live postgame show, the studio folks (Jim Kozimor and Christiensen) reminded us that the Celtics were able to rack a full 30 assists on the Sacramento efense. Stunning. Coach Kenny Natt at the press conference: "We had a really down [second] quarter, gave up 40 points." Understatement much? "I'll keep pressing these guys for consistency and 48 minute effort." I think this turnip's been pressed so much that there's nothing left to drain, other than the potential of a second dead coach bounce.

Natt then blamed the loss on a "lack of execution" and missing defensive intensity. Well, they showed plenty of efensive intensity, the type of mediocre play that can seperate you from "hoping to be first round fodder as an 8 seed" to "lottery," so the Kings have that going for them at least. Apparently the Kings are considering keeping their "options open" for the incumbent coach; those options probably include "forced resignation" and "sudden termination" and not much else. Co-host Kozimornow laid some smack down on House Party Live: "I think the Bulls are the Kings...I think Larry Hughes is John Salmons." Wow, damning someone with anti-praise there. (And Hughes is much more prone to the DNP-CD, due to his trade demands, than the former trillionaire titlist.) Why do I think the Friday tilt between these two terrible teams is anything but Must-See TV?

Grizzlies-Thunder: Does Greg Buckner read Basketbawful? Someone must've alerted him to his latest lapses away from lacktion, as he responded with a 1.1 trillion return to form tonight at the Ford Center.

Here's a special note for the baby cubs as a whole, who were outscored 14-2 in OT by Klahma. Ouch! Quite the ffensive effort, especially in light of the Thunder playing solid late-game efense in giving up a 12-point lead in the fourth. The Grizzlies did take an early 102-100 lead in the extra session, only to forget what the point of basketball is -- which, of course, is to score the most points on the night. OJ Mayo even marked his selection to the Rookie-Soph Challenge game at All-Star weekend by taking an overtime rejection from Kevin Durant. (With Durant's double-double, can we say that his transition from "Bill Simmons Underrated" to "Paul Millsap Level" is inevitable?)

Nuggets-Hornets: Denver's Johan Petro bricked once for a Madsen-level Voskuhl, taking 1 foul and 1 turnover against no points or rebounds (2:0 ratio) in three minutes.

Pistons-Wolves: With Brian Cardinal successful at the charity stripe, Kevin McFail had to rely on someone else to provide his team's usual share of lacktivity, and he found a potential black hole of brilliance amongst the conscripts: Rodney Carney. Carney was on the floor for 12:25 and pulled out a +5 with two bricks (one from downtown), a turnover, and two fouls!

Sixers-Rockets: Theo Ratliff gave Philly a 1.3 trillion fortune, which will no doubt create as much cap space as his old Expiring Contract once did. And Knee-Mac failed in the clutch, watching his desperation three get redirected as time expired.

Warriors-Mavs: UGH. Entering the third, Anthony Morrow had a two brick performance going in 10 minutes. Then I mentioned it to a friend while talking online...and whaddya know, I stat-cursed him into making a shot. So Rob Kurz tried to bring Don Nelson's team of unrelated puzzle pieces some lacktion of his own...only to ruin three bricks and three fouls with a board, the same ailment that also interrupted a potential acquisition of wealth by Jermareo Davidson. Yeah, Nellie Ball failed on both legitimate contribution and lacktivity tonight, as Jason Kidd's 9 assists proved.

One of the ESPN commentators just called Brandon Bass a "Paul Millsap kind of guy." Guess Millsap has offically stopped being underrated, and somewhere in the distance, Carlos Boozer is preparing for a bank run knowing his next contract just got devalued even further. Immediately after that, another of the booth guys randomly told a prattle tale about odd sports names that are hard to spell, asking his partner if he could spell [John] Buccigross and [Ben] Roethlisberger off the top of his head.

Blazers-Bobcats: With Charlotte getting terribly outclassed early on, the human victory cigars got to taste court time sooner than expected, with Channing Frye making it two games of lacktion in a row with +1 (foul) in 2:06, and Shavlik Randolph just missing out on a trillion with a 58-second Mario.

Bulls-Clippers: You know you are who we thought you were when your team gets punished with a 20-point loss to the lackluster heifers, at YOUR own "home" arena (which is akin to saying that the Sacramento Monarchs are "home" at Arco). And Mike Dunleavy Sr. and the team he assembled in Los Angeles really are who we thought they were. To celebrate, Vinny Del Negro opened up the cigar case and got Cedric Simmons some court time, 2:28 to be exact, which netted him a +1 via foul. (Even if the few self-aware Clippers fans in the audience could see Simmons walking out there as a sign to dash to the parking lot, they'd still find themselves stalled out along the Harbor Freeway at some point.)

Amd while Steve Novak did not rack up lacktion like he is capable of doing, he DID miss seven attempts from downtown (out of a total of 20 team three-point attempts!), before pocketing two points within the arc. I wonder if at some point he and Dunleavy must've figured out, "This can't be working, let's try something else" -- nah. It's the Clippers we're talking about after all.

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

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Blogger chris said...
So, Dr. Basketbawfulstein, where's the epic novel about lacktion zombies that will soon be required reading in high schools everywhere? :P

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Joke's on you. High schools don't require reading anymore.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Where's my Kobe vs Luke update?

Blogger Drake said...
According to the Yahoo! Kings roster page, that's Francisco Garcia (32), not Shelden Williams (22). Shelden, although not much of an NBA player, is one muscular dude, and the player pictured isn't.

Blogger chris said...
Drake: Yeah, I noticed that afterwards - that image DID come up in a Shelden Williams image search. Huh?

Proof of Yahoo's typo:


Anonymous Too Much Lacktion said...
No offense but we don't need a Lacktion report as long as the worst of the night post. That's way too much detail about people that don't matter. I am becoming Lacktion Post Intolerant. Bawful's WOTN is 10000000000X funnier, more informative and overall more entertaining.

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
Oh, I am so far behind...

Just want to point out that Greg Oden had 14 and 14 last night against the Hissing-kitties. He also had 3 blocks, 2 steals and an assist.

I'm just sayin'...

Blogger chris said...
tony.bluntana - So who else is left on your fantasy squad that you could potentially un-curse with a release?!

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
chris, how about Ron Artest?

I'm kinda getting lucky right now with The Josh Smith and Deron Williams (now that they're back from injury).

And, I'm still laughing in the face of whoever dropped Millsap that fateful day about a month ago.

I guess, Hedo Turkoglu and Rip Hamilton haven't been giving me much lately.

Also, Spencer Hawes - wasn't he supposed to be, like, a fantasy sleeper? He's still kind of asleep.

Oh, and, 'bawful, what's the symbology there?

...I guess Freud was right...

Blogger chris said...
Tony.Bluntana - I wonder if tenure on your cursed fantasy roster correlates with how long they immediately hit a hot streak afterwards. Like, if you added Knee-Mac, but then immediately dropped him the next day, would he be good for the fourth quarter for one game and one game only?

Anonymous tony.bluntana said...
that's a good question, I'm actually kind of worried about a Dead Coach Bounce ("Dead Fantasy Owner Bounce") with Greg Oden. Like, that he'll be really bad again soon.

Actually, I meant to ask, how long does the Dead Coach Bounce usually last? I guess I could do the research...

But, I will say that your theory happened with Jameer Nelson. I picked him up, he got hurt, I dropped him, he started playing like I've never seen before. The trick is convincing anyone in my league to drop someone like that (as absent as he is, Knee-Mac's not a free agent right now).

I could pick up Gilbert Arenas, though...

Anonymous caseta said...
yeap, that's garcia alright.
so shame on shelden for playing such poor D on eddie house that he's not even in the picture.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
LOL "symbology"- that was perhaps the funniest part of BDS.... although the dude who got slapped for wanting to cuddle probably wins that award...

Blogger lordhenry said...
Wow, no wonder there's a fan club for Alissa. She's beautiful.

Blogger chris said...
lordhenry: Not just that, but she is the nicest person I've ever met in motorsports.

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