Kings-Cavs: Surprising name not on the list tonight, as Tarence Kinsey made four of six shots and is firmly in a lacktion slump! So two of his teammates -- the usually solid Wally Szczerbiak and bench presence Darnell Jackson -- decided to bail their fellow crustacean out. Wally World clearly was not in his element in this role and his natural tendency for contribution unfortunately shone through, ruining three bricks and a giveaway with one made free throw. Jackson however came through in the non-clutch with +1 (missed shot) in 4:04!

Crab dunk
King Crab is in shock as Tarence Kinsey painfully
listens to the dark side and puts down a DUNK!

Oh, and Kinsey is starting to get notable enough to have an entire article dedicated to him -- which mentions his appearance in all four games of the recent West Coast swing. (What that story doesn't tell you, of course, is that three of the four games in his epic streak of lacktivity occurred on that trip!)

Another previous lacktion achiever who avoided a successfuly unspectacular run was Bobby Jackson, who gave the jesters a laughable assist during a sleepy sixteen and a half minutes to negate twin droppings of downtown masonry.

Update! Watch this amazing putback by LeBron:


Since Wally World's brick turned into King Crab's monster slam, I guess we can actually award him a KOBE BRYANT ASSIST!

Nuggets-Grizzlies: In easily handling the baby cubs, who have shown that no amount of Generalissimo Franco holding the clipboard can create a bounce for this lackluster squad, the Nuggets brought out two human victory cigars to alert the few Memphis fans in attendance to walk slowly to their cars and beat the traffic on Interstate 40. Renaldo Balkman put up a +3 (two fouls and a turnover) in 3:30, and Sonny Weems provided a +1 in 2:19 via one turnover.

Marc Gasol earned the average bears a Voskuhl by spending 19:50 unleashing 4 fouls against 5 bricks and 2 rebounds! His compatriot Greg Buckner is another big-time lacktioneer currently shying away from coldness, ruining a foul in two minutes through one rebound.

chauncey
Marc Gasol's "armpit hair" efense doesn't count
toward the Voskuhl, but poetically represents it well.

Spurs-Jazz: One brick gave San Antoni's Ime Udoka a +1 in 8:53. Brevin Knight's 4.15 trillion made up for some unworthy missed chances from his Jazz teammates, as Kyrylo Fesenko wasted a triple-brick performance (including two unmade charity stripe shots) in two and a half minutes with a board, the same obstacle that stopped a 43-second Mario attempt by Kosta Koufos. [Editor's note: Marios are not canceled out by meaningful stats; only trillions. ~Basketbawful]

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

Labels: ,

17 Comments:
Blogger chris said...
Bawful - thanks for the clarification there. I guess that means Mario West must also be the most efficient at actually using star-of-invincibility time to score once in a while...

...though some of the Marios we have seen this year last a lot shorter than that aforementioned star-of-invincibility. Sheesh!

Anonymous AK Dave said...
"Armpit-hair defense"

Can we get a WotD posting for that?

The raising of an arm, exposing a musty, hairy armpit to the opposing offensive player in an attempt to throw off his shot not by blocking or changing the shot itself, but by assailing the nostrils of the shooter with the putrid BO of the defenders underarm. Note that the player using this technique must not have any real chance of blocking/changing the shot in question. It is a desperation defense employable only by the ugliest, stinkiest, cave-man-iest of the NBA "elite".

Blogger chris said...
Okay, looking at the definition of the "Mario" again...

http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2008/05/word-of-day-mario.html

"Mario (mar'-e-o') noun. Denotes those occasions in which a player logs less than one minute of playing time and therefore fails to compile any meaningful statistics."

If we are allowing fouls, positive contributions, and other statline fillers in the modern Mario...those are meaningful statistics, right? Then again, to be on court for approximately 2.5% of the game is still unflattering. And we do have to include that .8 second stint the Clippers recently brought forth, too, so I can live with the leniency of the current term.

Blogger Ry said...
I got to the name "Wally Szczczczczephilckiak" and grew indignant. I demand that someone give the dude a demeaning nickname after that (b)awful pic from last week. It's burnished onto my memory. There isn't enough Purple Kush in the world to make me forget that. My personal Crying Game.

Anonymous very funny mr. snoid said...
Is someone tracking missed dunks? My 11 year old son asks me how do you miss a dunk every time I scream after a Ben Wallace special (like last night), and I can't explain-It's not a block, it's just a miss. This needs to be accounted for in the lacktion-WOTN-reports somehow.

Anonymous very funny mr.snoid said...
While we're on the subject- Gotta say that even as a long time devoted cavs fan, I'm really enjoying this craboliers thing. I'm waiting for someone to get the Mermaid Man/Barnacle Boy thing going- Is it Ben Wallace and his protege Hickson, or maybe Wally World and Kinsey? Any way, it's easy to have a sense of humor when your team is 35-8

Blogger Wild Yams said...
If you ever do use "Armpit-hair defense" as a WOTD, I've got a great picture you can use :)

Blogger chris said...
very funny mr. snoid - I think "Ben Wallace Special" better be the term for a missed dunk from now on. Haven't found any videographic evidence yet on YT in a quick search, though...

The "Crabs" thing is nice when your team is actually one of the very best in the NBA, something not even the case in the Finals year! Or let me put it this way - Johnny Most could nickname LeBron and Mo everything in the book, but that's all because they're significant contributors.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Damn, bawful is being taken over by chris...... Not that he's doing a bad job. Way to go chris.

Blogger chris said...
lordhenry: 'Bawful himself of course has been focused on getting the tragic diary of the horrible heifers documented for history's sake. He's a man on a mission!

And a CAPTCHA that is so fitting for Chicago: colderst

Blogger W2 said...
Chemical D-the use of body odor to gain the advantage against your opponent

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Last post's officiating comment got me thinking: when will the first NBA ref blog show up? Wouldn't you read it in a heartbeat? I mean we already had revolutionary Internet written media from a bench warmer (Paul Shirley), a top player (Arenas), a top pitcher (Schilling), and a GM (Cuban). But if I could read the other dark side of the story, the official's POV, I'd have it RSS update to my phone every half hour.

Regarding Mario's, unless there's a large deviation from the norm (like if a bench guy drains three 3's in that minute), I think any stat accumulated in 1 minute is such a small timeframe that it's pretty much meaningless.

Blogger Ry said...
As a Detroiter, I have personal beef with Ben Wallace ... Total liability ... Hands of the finest concrete. He shouldn't even cross the halfcourt line to play offense: better the Crabs play with 4. Hear ye, hear ye: I hereby propose to Dar Kommissar Stern that if you shoot under 70% from the line, you get docked $1000 for every charity toss you brick. Ben Wallace looks homeless; if my rule were instated, he'd actually be homeless. It's called a free throw -- HIT IT! And I say we call missed dunks "Big Bens" -- more succinct, and more colorful.

Anonymous Karl said...
random/unrelated, but have you seen the advertisements for the "budbowl" on Espn and sites of the like? http://www.budbowl.com/

If that isn't unintentional comedy I don't know what is. Gotta love those double entendres.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: We also have sub-revolutionary Internet written media from a big man turned "film star," Mr. Shaqovich. The combination of self-gratifying statements and shorthand writing has Buzz Bissinger facepalming on a daily basis, thus proving its worth as a valuable examination of the contemplative nature of today's sophisticated, socially-conscious athlete.

Right?

;)

Anonymous Javier said...
Nice blog, man. But no jokes about generalisimo Franco, it´s something quite serious ( I mean, a serious, infamous bastard).

Blogger chris said...
Javier: Understandable, but it was more of a reference to a very old running joke from mid-1970s Saturday Night Live.

Links to this post:
Create a Link