lacktion

Friday Night Lacktion Lights

Magic-Pacers: Two Wall Street raiders for the hometown Pacers tonight, as Stephen Graham earned a 1.5 trillion to go along with fellow lacktator Maceo Baston's 4.8 trillion take!

Also putting in some anti-contributions for Indiana was reserve center Jeff Foster, who fouled out after 12:15 with a turnover, giving him a slight Voskuhl of 7:6 (six fouls and the giveaway against two points and four rebounds).

Raptors-Hornets: Julian Wright may need to check which uniform he's wearing, for despite his official status on New Orleans's roster, he proved a fine passer for the Craptors, providing the dinos with the rock on three occasions for a suck differential of +3 in 3:53.

Jazz-Kings: Morris Almond and Kosta Koufos, as 15-second Mario Brothers, usher in an era of platform gaming for Jerry Sloan.

Clippers-Grizzlies: In 5:52 of lacktivity, DeAndre Jordan earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 4:3 (three fouls and one turnover against one rebound and one made shot).

Suns-Warriors: When Phoenix was in full revenge game mode, Don Nelson knew when to just let the score take care of itself, and focus instead on getting his anonymous pawns into the lacktion ledger. Anthony Morrow smoothly sauntered into the lifestyles of the rich and not-so-famous with a 2.85 trillion, while Rob Kurz gave the ball away once and took three fouls for a +4 in just about the same amount of time (2:51, only one second less than Morrow's stint).

Saturday Night Lacktator Revue

Clippers-Hawks: As the Hawks have continued to show more inconsistency since their record-padding homestand, lacktion has remained a priority for Atlanta's basketball team. Mario West failed to provide non-production with two made field goals, forcing Solomon Jones into the role of lacktator for the night. Jones flew onto the court nicely with a three-foul stint in 4:47, officially a +3 on the books!

Heat-Sixers: Yakhouba Diawara is as familiar to this ledger as D-Wade is to the charity stripe, as he demonstrated with a one-foul +1 in 1:35 why he will be one of the easiest picks ever for the All-Lacktion squad. In 5:52, Miami teammate Joal Anthony racked up a bit of a Voskhul at 6:4 (5 fouls and 1 giveaway against a made shot and 2 boards).

Nets-Nuggets: Sonny Weems was an efensive beast for 'enver as he spent his 7:50 of court time racking up numbers only a true lacktator could love: two bricks, one foul, and two giveaways for +5! Also proving to be adept at ineptitude is Johan Petro, whose 6:38 came with a Voskuhl of 3:0 through three fouls against no points or rebounds (after three bricks).

Sunday Lacktionable Wrapup

Spurs-Celtics: Just because a matchup makes it to national television doesn't mean that lacktators can all expect to remain obscure via positive contributions. San Antonio's Malik Hairston's stint mushroomed into a two second Super Mario on the parquet!

Suns-Pistons: Gord Dragic tragically bricked twice for +2 in 4:16, while Detroit's Walter Herrmann stomped onto the hardwood for a 23 second Mario.

Pacers-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov is a repeat lacktator, this time littering his 9:24 of floor time with a Voskuhl of 3:2 (two fouls and one giveaway against one made shot).

Note: Mike Dunleavy racked up non-contributions as a starter but got hurt after only three minutes, so that likely doesn't count.

Jazz-Warriors: Jarron Collins gave Jerry Sloan a +2 in 3:33 via two fouls - also a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! -- as his Jazz found themselves on the wrong end of a minor blowout in Oaktown. Nellieball made sure to represent in the ledger, as Anthony Morrow fouled once and bricked twice (one instance tossing masonry from downtown) for +3 in 2:38.

About the author: Chris is a Sacramento resident and Bay Area native who is surrounded by all forms of bawful, from The Oracle to Arco Arena (or whatever barn the Maloofs can milk the most profit from in the near future). After all, when you live in a town in which an ex-trillionare champion (John Salmons) is the home team's starter, is there much to be expected on the positive front? No. So Chris has made it his goal to become the Bill James or Hubie Brown of lacktivity, seeing how abundant it has become in Northern California. Outside of his life as a lacktion statistician, he follows a random collection of other sports (auto racing, ice hockey, snooker, boxing)...

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6 Comments:
Anonymous brizzle said...
No reaction to the outright destruction of the cavs by a Bynumless Lakers squad? What about the King's less than stellar performance or Lamar Odom's obliteration of the cavs defensive schemes

Blogger Dan said...
Love the picture you chose for this.

CAPTCHA: priest. Insert your own joke here, I'm still stunned that the "word verification" was actually a word for a change instead of just random letters.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"...usher in an era of platform gaming for Jerry Sloan"

chris, you score again. This was so amazing I had to take a ten minute break to smoke a cigarette and contemplate what just happened.

Also, I think a special lacktion exception needs to be made for those with exactly 1:04 PT - a Mario 64!

Blogger chris said...
brizzle: I was trying to find some appropriately bland Kenny Natt quotes in House Party Live's press conference recap, but he actually (emotionlessly, as usual) had some slight insights. Slight though. But more than his usual retelling of the obvious!

AnacondaHL: Wanna bet that Sloan has never owned a Nintendo product in his entire life? There are certain people in the Association who still seem a century removed from the "video game generation" and that would absolutely be one of them.

On the other hand, Dr. J and Larry embraced video games like Shaq has embraced Twitter!

Blogger Ry said...
Chris: As a proud Luddite in the Jerry Sloan tradition, I knew your comment was hilarious -- just didn't know why. I haven't touched a video game since being baked freshman year in my dorm when I played the arcade version of Galaga for four straight hours. I haven't owned a gaming system since the Atari 2600. And I thought Twitter was something I did with this chick from the bar last summer. Remember the scene in "Zoolander" when Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are trying to find the files? That's me.

Blogger Alex Athans said...
Lacktator. Haha! I feel like I've made a mark on this website.

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