I once witnessed a halftime show in which two topless men in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint performed gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's bodies. Afterward, I dubbed that mind-scarring event "The Halftime of Horror." But heed me now, dear readers. I clearly didn't what horror really was. Not until I read about a recent Oklahoma City Thunder game in which the audience was forced to endure the heretofore unthinkable: Watching a woman drown right before their very eyes. The following footage is morbidly disturbing, so watch it at your own risk:
The woman's name is Kristen Johnson. She's a professional escape artist whose "big thing" is bravely escaping -- normally without dying -- from a giant tube of water. She attempted this feat at the halftime of the Thunders' January 16th game against the Pistons.
Everything was going great -- fans were cheering, children were laughing, puppies were frolicking amidst sweet-smelling dryer sheets -- until Kristen took a little too long to, you know, escape the tube. She then suffered cerebral hypoxia (the deprivation of oxygen supply to her brain tissue), went into a seizure and had to be rescued from what would have been a watery and somewhat ironic demise. (Not as ironic as Steve Irwin's death, but still.)
Don't worry, though. Kristin lived. Sure, she'll probably carry the resulting fear and pananoia around with her forever, but that's a small price to pay for freaking the hell out of however many people were actually at that game. But here's a quick piece of advice for all you parents out there: You probably shouldn't book Ridgeway and Johnson for your kid's next birthday party. I'm just a sayin'...