I once witnessed a halftime show in which two topless men in ass-hugging tights and gold body paint performed gymnastics -- slow, sweaty gymnastics -- off each other's bodies. Afterward, I dubbed that mind-scarring event "The Halftime of Horror." But heed me now, dear readers. I clearly didn't what horror really was. Not until I read about a recent Oklahoma City Thunder game in which the audience was forced to endure the heretofore unthinkable: Watching a woman drown right before their very eyes. The following footage is morbidly disturbing, so watch it at your own risk:


The woman's name is Kristen Johnson. She's a professional escape artist whose "big thing" is bravely escaping -- normally without dying -- from a giant tube of water. She attempted this feat at the halftime of the Thunders' January 16th game against the Pistons.

Everything was going great -- fans were cheering, children were laughing, puppies were frolicking amidst sweet-smelling dryer sheets -- until Kristen took a little too long to, you know, escape the tube. She then suffered cerebral hypoxia (the deprivation of oxygen supply to her brain tissue), went into a seizure and had to be rescued from what would have been a watery and somewhat ironic demise. (Not as ironic as Steve Irwin's death, but still.)

Don't worry, though. Kristin lived. Sure, she'll probably carry the resulting fear and pananoia around with her forever, but that's a small price to pay for freaking the hell out of however many people were actually at that game. But here's a quick piece of advice for all you parents out there: You probably shouldn't book Ridgeway and Johnson for your kid's next birthday party. I'm just a sayin'...

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21 Comments:
Anonymous AK Dave said...
This totally reminds me of "The Prestige"- very good, very creepy movie. I wonder how many duplicates of her are out there....

Anonymous Baguete said...
The guy laughing at the 3:21 mark kills me!

Dude, I just finished watching The Prestige on TV, so thanks to the timing, this gotta be one of the best videos I`ve ever seen!

Blogger KneeJerkNBA said...
Springsteen was worse.

Blogger J Tallent said...
Ha, I was thinking "The Prestige" also. great movie!

Blogger chris said...
What's even more amazing, according to Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kristen_Johnson_(escape_artist)

quote:
On Friday 16 January 2009 she had to be rescued by assistants during a halftime performance at the Detroit Pistons versus Oklahoma City Thunder basketball game when she passed out while attempting the water cell escape.[6] Just one week later she was back at it, doing her signature escape for 4,000 people at Ford Park Center arena in Beaumont, TX. This was Kristen's 600th attempt. "[7]

Yep, one week later and apparently there's no quit. Impressive, yet at the same time, mindblowing.

Blogger Tonewise said...
uhm as bad as that actually might have become... I still vote half time in TO vs. the Suns one or two Sundays ago as simply the worst half time show EVER... some sort of sprite armature dunk contest...

two contestants under 6'6... both white (like me, no hate... just sayin) both skinny/scrawny.unathletic looking types...

anyway long story short.. nobody won, since the only completed dunk was a SQUEEEEEEZE... and if it is possible to imagine an ugly Squeeze as if there were anything but... this was a simply brutal squeeze at that... anyway, 9 minutes later everyone was booing in unison... EPIC FAIL.

Blogger Ry said...
Shit still isn't as frightening as that Wally World pic that got thrown up here a while back. Nothing will ever be. Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop...

Blogger Ry said...
Forget Black Snake Moan's 61, Ryan Hollins's stat line is absolutely mind-blowing. This is why is why I started going by "Ry" -- by and large, most Ryans are complete douchebags. Why does the Lacktion Report make me laugh so hard? A trillion (not that kind) daps to you, Chris.

Blogger chris said...
Ry: Thanks, I feel SO rich now. What's next, I can buy a bad basketball team and make them the step-tenant to another, much more successful squad? :D

It seems like it actually takes more effort to rack up a true Voskuhl as a big man, than to somehow contribute several boards at the very least. (That doesn't apply to the Madsen-level ones which really seem to be much more related to your average trillion/SD statline).

Blogger chris said...
No joke: Seattle Post Intelligencer blogger actually shows some schadenfreude about this!

http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/seattlesports/archives/161089.asp

Wow. Not particularly classy, yet strangely understandable. Still.

Blogger Ry said...
Wow. Chris, can we name Donald Sterling the coach of the All-Lacktion squad? Could we ask him to write an edition of the Lacktion Report? This would basically be like going to Newton for help with Calculus.

Blogger chris said...
Is the "glub-blub-blub-blub" tag going to be used next for whatever news we get on Spree's boat?

BTW, interesting: apparently, Kristen did a CNN interview very recently about it, which is why the clip has ONLY become more noticed now (as opposed to when it happened two weeks ago) -

http://nba.fanhouse.com/2009/02/03/woman-nearly-drowns-during-nba-halftime-show-gone-wrong/#cont

Blogger chris said...
Ry: Or asking Keith Moon to give me drum lessons? ;)

I think the most appropriate choice for the All-Lacktion coach would either be the coaches of the teams with the worst conference records, or the two earliest-fired coaches in the season.

Blogger Ry said...
Chris: I say we have all 532 Grizzlies coaches from this season team coach the squad. Or just Mike Dunleavy.

Blogger chris said...
Ry: It's just the most audacious thought in my head, but there's little to disprove it right now:

I HAVE to ask, which Mike Dunleavy? We don't know yet if Jr. will coach any worse than Sr. someday, since Sr. has set the bar so damn low!

Blogger Kevin said...
A surprisingly fitting half-time show considering the two teams.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Absolutely NOT the worst halftime show ever.

The following link is NMS. (NOT MIND SAFE if you don't know).

Cory Scott's 1997 Orange Bowl Halftime motorcycle stunt

Blogger Ry said...
Chris: Sr., My Man -- I mean, if we let Jr. coach, we're robbing Bawful of some vocab ... and the league of some truly tenacious D. If GP is "The Glove," can we call Mike D "The Oversized, Insulated Mitten"?

Blogger MACHine23 said...
not related to the post but check out this clip...
http://neswsports.com/2009/02/04/the-quest-for-g-garnett-jeter-usain-jordan-kareem/

Blogger chris said...
This old WOTD I think is the best description of both the Thunder and this halftime show:

http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2006/07/word-of-day-horribysmal.html

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Pish Posh... This is clearly an attempted suicide. Listening to Linkin Park would make me want to kill myself too.

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