So yeah, the Clippers AND Lakers are finished, with only one 2nd round game win (from the Lakeshow) between the two squads.  Who knew coming into this spring that...the ONLY sport being played past mid-May in downtown Los Angeles would be...Los Angeles Kings ice hockey?!

To quote Bawful himself from a text message at 11:41 PM in his time zone: "Bye, Kobe."

The speculation over Pau Gasol's future - hey, wasn't that a linchpin of the initial CP3 trade talks - begins anew.  The final day of Laker basketball in Year One of the Mike Brown Era involved the newly christened "Indiana Ron" encountering the Temple of the Reputation Call, one even getting Mamba T'd up...and one Russell Westbrook fluke that will be remembered by Zombie Sonics fans for decades to come.
The Clippers?  After blowing a 24-point lead in Game 3, they got edged out (again at home) in the series-closer...so, with the recently pinkslipped Stan Van Gundy available, who knows how long the Notorious VDN will be cruising down the hallways of Staples Center.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: 





Sure, turnovers being handed out by Philly faster than a Pepperidge Farm outlet, that was the big story of Boston's comeback...that and the surprising emergence of Brandon Bass, what with 27 points to lead the C's to the series lead.

But the Sixers still had the scoreboard advantage, 57-53, midway through the 3rd.  That's when The Truth laid out a clear path armbar foul on a breaking Andre Iguodala.


Wrong.



Two bricks later, the momentum turned in favor of the Celtics for good.  Was that really the pivotal moment in Game 5?

Why don't we ask Iguodala himself, after his eight point, 3-of-10 from the floor performance -

“It seemed to be the turning point for us,” Iguodala said of missing the two clear-path foul shots. “That’s the way the game goes sometimes. "

Woops.

LACKTION REPORT
Lakers-Thunder: Josh McRoberts jacked up a final brick this season in 98 seconds for a +1, while Andrew Goudelock, Darius Morris (despite an assist) and Troy Murphy had 58 seconds of Smash Brothers action as MARIO TRIPLETS!

For Oklahoma City, Daequan Cook heated up one piece of nougat-covered masonry in 315 seconds for a celebratory +1, while Lazar Hayward went all in against Jerry Buss with pocket aces and came away 1.6 trilion (97 seconds) richer.

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Boston Celtics, oh those poor Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Ron Artest, Sad Mamba, the Lakers are DONE

So the Orlando Magic, they of the missed playoff free throw variety, have been done for a few days.

Never fear, for our fill of free throw fail was provided by...


lacktion artist Omer Asik...

and...


nearly-hero Al Horford of the Hawks, whose momentary lapse of concentration (seen at 2:44 of the above clip) bailed Marquis Daniels and the Celtics out!  Woops.

The Association: where charity stripe hijinks deciding not one, but TWO playoff series happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, free throws, Omer Asik, oops baby, Philadelphia 76ers

Yikes. I think Doug's still pissed about those four-point plays...
Mavericks-Bulls: Allow me, if you will, to quote myself. From By The Horns:

It was a real defensive battle out there, folks. The kind where it looked like both teams were wading through invisible mud. Chicago hit only 36.9 percent of their shots. Dallas converted on 35.6 of theirs.

The Bulls scored 12 points in the third quarter. That represented the team’s season-low for a single quarter.

The Mavs finished with 77 points. That was their third-lowest output of the season. On December 28, minus leading scorer Dirk Nowitzki, they scored 76 points against the Raptors. On January 15, in Dirk’s first game back, they managed only 70 points against the Grizzlies in Memphis.

The teams combined for two fast break points. Chicago had none.

Nowitzki — who is a legitimate MVP candidate — went 6-for-16 from the field, missed both of his three-point attempts, and pulled down only two rebounds in 38 minutes. In case you forgot, the dude is seven feet tall and has averaged 8.4 RPG over his 13-year NBA career.

Derrick Rose had a stellar stat line: Game highs in points (26) and assists (9) to go with 7 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. Of course, he went 9-for-28 from the field, including 5-for-20 in the second half, and committed a game-high 4 turnovers.

Rose was the only Bulls player to score in double figures.

Now allow me to supplement myself. According to Hoopdata, Dallas was 5-for-12 at the rim (41.7 percent), 2-for-7 inside 10 feet (28.6 percent), 6-for-14 from 10-15 feet (42.9 percent) and 6-for-18 from 16-23 feet (33.4 percent).

Chicago was 7-for-21 at the rim (33.4 percent), including 1-for-6 by Derrick Rose and 1-for-5 by Omer Asik. The Bulls also went 4-for-10 inside 10 feet (40 percent) and 10-for-32 from 16-23 feet (31.3 percent).

My point? I'm surprised people in the United Center didn't have this reaction:


The Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs get their own entry for the way they delivered some bad news to poor Alexis Ajinca. Apparently, Dallas is working on a trade that would send Ajinca to the Raptors to create a roster spot for Peja Stojakovic without having to cut Sasha Pavlovic, whom they just signed. Ajinca was dressed and warming up at the United Center last night when Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle had to tell him to turn in his uniform and head back to the hotel.

Even to a guy like me, that's cold.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Man. Check out their last six games:

112-109 OT road loss to the Pistons
111-103 home loss to the Pacers
95-94 home win over the Bucks
96-92 OT home win over the Bobcraps
99-98 OT road loss to the Magic
100-97 road loss to the Bobcraps

Losses that were almost wins. Wins that were almost losses. But their 2-4 stretch typifies their 17-25 record and their average point differential of -0.6. On the one hand, they're losing a lot of close games. On the other hand, they're losing a lot of close games.

And it's the little, mental lapses that keep haunting the Sixers. In their previous loss, an overtime defeat in Orlando, they gave up two big four-point plays, one in regualtion and one in the OT session. Last night, they lost (in part) because they couldn't adjust to a single play.

From the AP recap:

The Bobcats' owner had to love what he saw from [Gerald] Henderson down the stretch.

Henderson, a bit player under former coach Larry Brown, has become part of the rotation though he is hardly known for his shooting. But he hit three consecutive jumpers on the same curl play from the right wing in the final 1:40. The last came with 26 seconds left to put Charlotte ahead 96-93.

"It was the same exact play all three times," said Henderson, who scored 11 points. "We call it 3-down and everybody in the NBA runs it. But it works because if you get two screens it's hard to defend. I came off ready to shoot, D.J. made a good pass every time and I just knocked the shots down."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times...

Andre Iguodala: I don't mean to pick nits or anything, especially when the guy led his team with 19 points on 7-for-11 shooting to go along with 5 boards, 5 assists and 4 steals. But Iggy bricked a free throw that would have tied the game with 40 seconds left. Then, with 11 ticks on the clock, he shanked a jumper that would have brougth Philly to within a point.

And when you consider the fact that Andre gave up the four-point play in the fourth quarter of that loss to the Magic, well, it seems like he's kind of the Anti-Clutch...

...with all due disrespect to Vince Carter.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "It's always disappointing when you lose. I texted Michael [Jordan] the other night after they had beaten Chicago and congratulated him. He said 'Yeah, we can't beat you though.' So I'm sure Michael reached out to the guys for them to beat his old coach today. He probably gave them a little pep talk."

Ah, that Doug. He's the kind of friend you'd write a song about. I love how he loves to name drop MJ. I also love that his text might have moved Jordan to fire up his team.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Jordan Heimer of the TrueHoop Network wrote the lead story for today's Daily Dime. No, I'm not bitter he relegated my Derrick Rose piece to the second spot by writing about the Clippers' playoff chances (currently zero-ish percent). Not at all. Hey, the Clippers are 10 games below .500 and coached by Vinny Del Negro. They're obviously a bigger story than Derrick Rose and his burgeoning MVP candidacy.

I keed.

Actually, the Clippers are a big story. I know 16-26 doesn't sound all that impressive. But subtract the 1-13 start and you have a team that's...15-13. Which, again, doesn't sound all that impressive until you realize we're talking about the Los Angeles Clippers. And let's not forget the two most exciting words in the English language: Blake Griffin.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because people have been getting so excited about The Other L.A. Team's recent hot streak -- 11 wins in 15 games -- that people have begun talking about...the playoffs. And you know what that means:


The stat curse was in. I mean putting the words "Clippers" and "playoffs" in the same sentence...it just can't end well. Sure enough, the Clips submitted one of their patented "They are who we thought they were" performances, choking away an early 14-point lead and ultimately losing by 15. The Other L.A. Team shot missed 17 three-pointers, shot 43 percent for the game, and gave up 20 poitns off 16 turnovers. Meanwhile, the Brandon Roy-less Frail Blazers hit 56 percent of their shots. Although, about that Bradon Roy-less part...

Brandon Roy: Did you know Portland is 14-7 without Roy this season? Which means they were 10-13 with him. Huh.

Vinny Del Negro, super-exciting quote machine: "I thought the Blazers executed much better than we did, in the second half especially. Our defense was not good enough or tough enough."

Chris's amazing one-line lacktion ledger: Jason Kapono punched out 26 seconds of time for a Mario, while Eduardo Najera gathered up a 2.05 trillion (2:03) for His Airness.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Los Angeles Clippers, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

Dwight needed a hug after the way his team quit on him last night.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Good teams find a way to win, right? Well, here at Basketbawful, we prefer to say that bad teams find a way to lose.

Enter the world of the Philadelphia 76ers.

Yeah, yeah, I know. They'd won four of their last five games. Excuse me for not being all that impressed by victories over the Nyets, Frail Blazers (during their six-game losing streak), Bobcraps and Cavaliers.

Facing a Celtics team that was playing on the road on the second night of back-to-back games without their first, second and third-string centers, the Sixers gave it everything they had. As long as you don't consider "putting a hand in a face" a part of "everything." Boston lit Philly up: 56 percent from the field and 58 percent from beyond the arc. I mean, it really did look like the C's got pretty much whatever shots they wanted.

Semih Erden -- the starting center by default -- was 2-for-2.

Still, the Sixers were persistent and the Celtics just couldn't shake them. There were 14 lead changes in the fourth quarter. It pissed me off. I'm guessing that was how Lakers fans felt on Wednesday night when it took a last second shot to pull out a win against the Clippers.

The Celtics followed the same script. Or maybe they were emulating the Milwaukee Bucks from their win against the Pacers. Eh, whatever. What happened was this. Andre Iguodala hit a running hook shot with 6.6 seconds left to give Philly a 101-100 lead. Boston responded...like this:


I know it wasn't easy. I know that. But damn if Philly's defense didn't make it look easy. Nobody ever even touched Kevin Garnett on that play.

The Sixers had 1.4 seconds left to counter, but KG stole the inbounds pass. Well, okay, it was thrown right to him. Game over.

Said Garnett: "Rajon threw a perfect pass and I just banked it. The crazy part about all that is that I messed that play up so many times in practice. It's only right that the basketball gods gave it to me tonight."

The sound you just heard was the basketball gods going "whaaaaaa...?"

Added Doc Rivers: "We worked on that last week. We tried to run it early and had bad timing. It's just funny how things work out. It's a low-clock play. The ball's in the best passer's hands, and you have shooters on the floor. The whole sell was Paul Pierce and it worked."

Said Doug Collins: "What a heartbreaking loss. To play so hard and so well. That Celtics team is so good, so well-coached, and they have so many different ways that they can attack you on the offensive end. It was just a shame. It would have been an incredible win for us here. We had a great crowd tonight, and we had some good plays. I just feel so badly for our guys."

Doug Collins, pre-game quote machine: Maybe this was why the Sixers kept things so close: "I'm hoping our guys are going to take this as a great chance to see how exciting it is to be on TNT, and obviously I'm selling TNT here a little bit."

Reggie Miller, quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Bryan: "Quality announcing by Reggie Miller after Ray Allens 3-pointer with a minute to go: 'You dont leave him wide open on a wide open 3-pointer.'"

The New Jersey Nyets: Nyets-Mavericks was more human interest story than basketball game. Avery Johnson made his emotional return to Dallas. There were hugs and handshakes and, for all I know, pre-game handjobs all around. But all the lovey-dovey feelings didn't make the Nyets not the Nyets, you know?

New Jersey -- minus rookie Derrick Favors (bruised thigh) and forced to play the final three quarters without Devin Harris (sprained shoulder) -- fell behind by as many as 18 points in the second quarter and by as many as 21 early in the second half. Then the Nyets got aggressive and went to the line 18 times in the third quarter. Yeah, you read that correctly. It was like a case of road cookin'.

I guess the officials felt sorry for Avery. He is coaching New Jersey after all.

Anyway, the Nyets got the deficit down to single digits (81-73) early in the fourth quarter, but I think we all knew how this was going to end, right? When your opponents shoots 55 percent to your 41 percent, and you're the New Jersey Nyets, the outcome is practically preordained.

Screamed Johnson: "IT WAS PRETTY EMOTIONAL. A LOT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE HERE TONIGHT...BUT IT WAS GOOD SEEING SOME OF THE GUYS."

The Nyets are now 6-17. They've lost six in a row and 11 straight on the road. And their next game is against the Lakers. Sorry, guys.

As for the Mavs, they're now 18-4 and have an interesting five-game stretch coming up: Utah, Milwuakee, Portland, Phoenix and then at Miami.

The Orlando Magic: The Magic and Pumaman versus the Frail Blazers and the Ghost of Greg Oden. Now guess which team outrebounded the other 47-40 (including 13-6 on the offensive glass) and had a 50-34 scoring edge in the paint?

The Frail Blazers of course.

Mount Saint Howard erupted all over the Frail Blazers last night: 13-for-20 from the field, 13-for-18 from the line, 39 points, 15 rebounds, 3 blocked shots and a steal. To bad his teammates didn't make the trip to Portland with him. Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter combined to go 10-for-36 from the field and 3-for-13 from downtown. Quentin Richardson played 18 scoreless minutes. Brandon Bass scored zero points in 13 minutes. Chris Duhon -- Orlando's key offseason acquisition -- finished with 2 points and 2 assists in 16 minutes.

Etc.

According to the AP recap: "Magic coach Stan Van Gundy sequestered his team behind closed doors well after the game."

Ooo, I bet that was fun.

Said Van Gundy: "We have to play the game better, and we have to play it with a lot more energy, alertness and cohesiveness."

Countered Howard: "You can't coach energy. You can't coach hard work. It comes from a player. If you don't want to play hard, you've got to sit down and let somebody else step up."

I'm not sure whether he said that while looking directly at Vince and Rashard, but he probably should have.

The Magic have now lost three in a row after winning six straight. They still have a decent record...but they just don't look very good. Carter and Lewis

Ron Artest, charitable quote machine: On his plan to donate "either all or some" of his 2010-11 salary to charities to benefit mental health awareness: "It's fun, it's exciting. It's almost like a basketball game because it's that exciting. It feels like dunking on somebody, and I don't dunk much. It's just exciting and it's weird. It's a weird excitement. It's not like fun and games because it's a real issue, but for me, it's exciting to be a part of. It's going to make an impact. It will snowball. It will have a domino effect later. It will have a domino effect real, real soon once people see exactly what's going on."

I hope those snowballs domino for you, Ron. I really do.

Bonus stats: Two Lakers are in the Top 10 in Win Shares: Pau Gasol and...Lamar Odom. Two Heat players are also in the Top 10: LeBron James and...Chris Bosh.

Newsflash: The Knicks are winning by scoring. Now here's the bad news I've been talking about: The Knicks have had the second-easiest schedule so far this season. They have the second-toughest schedule the rest of the way.

Chris's TNT Thursday Lacktion Report:

Magic-Frail Blazers: Marcin Gortat had exactly 5 minutes to drop a rebound and assist...only to raise Stan Van Gundy's blood pressure some with a brick, two turnovers, and a foul for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

For Portland, Patrick Mills churned out a pair of bricks from Pioneer Courthouse Square and lost the rock once there for a +3 suck differential in 5:10, while Sean Marks made 2.4 trillion (2:24) worth of celebratory moolah!

Labels: New Jersey Nets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

Dunked the hell on by Josh McRoberts.
"This has to be the low point of his (or anyone's) NBA career"
(via AK Dave)
[Note: Dan B. here reporting for early morning duty. Basketbawful himself started this post, but since his Internet connection is unavailable at the moment, I'm finishing it up for him. We are combining for a better team effort than the Cavaliers managed last night at least.]

The Cleveland Cavaliers: After beating down LeBron's new team on Monday night, the Pacers decided to do things right by pimp-slapping LeBron's old team on Tuesday. Just for good measure. Don't let the 100-89 final score fool you: Indy led by as many as 34 points in this one.

Cleveland's starters scored only 32 points. Joey Graham (11 points) was the only one who reached double figures. And even then, Graham had the best plus-minus of all Cleveland starters at -21.

Byron Scott, coach of the year candidate: "This isn't even close to rock bottom. It's a good test for us. This team and this franchise have not had to play through adversity in the last seven years. The Pacers are a pretty good team and we played that bad."

The Atlanta Hawks: They've joined the Miami Heat in the "We've gone from only beating bad teams to getting beaten by bad teams" club. That's right: The Dirty Birds lost to the Nyets. All I can say is...

...BROOK LOPEZ SMASH!!

Big Brooklies had a season-high 32 points, Devin Harris added 27, and the Hawks didn't have the firepower to match up. With the Nyets.

Said Avery Johnson: "TWO GUYS THAT WE RELY ON HEAVILY CAME THROUGH. NOW WHAT I'M SHOWING THEM IS IF THEY CAN CONSISTENTLY HAVE THAT AGGRESSION AND THAT ATTACKING ATTITUDE, IT MAKES US A BETTER BALL CLUB. THEY DON'T HAVE MANY NIGHTS WITH THIS TEAM WHERE THEY CAN TAKE OFF."

Joe Johnson: 6-for-18. The $119 million slump continues.

Game Recap, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Via Basketbawful reader Allison, "Word choice fail from Nets-Hawks recap on Yahoo: 'The erection of steel started at the Barclays Center at Atlantic Yards in Brooklyn on Tuesday.' There's *got* to be a better way to put that..."

The Philadelphia 76ers: From 15-point fourth quarter lead to an overtime loss to the Wizards Generals. Make it 3-11 on the year...1-7 on the road.

The Goat of the night? It was...

Jrue Holiday: He went running at John Wall with 3.5 seconds left in regulation, committing one of the dumbest fouls of the season. Wall was at least 40 feet from the rim...but he flipped up a shot and was awarded three freebies. Johnny Storm hit all three, forcing overtime, and, well, you know what happened.

Said Holiday: "I didn't think he was shooting the 3. I honestly thought he was going to the basket. I really wasn't trying to foul him. I just got my arm in there and he went up. It was a foul."

No. It was a FAIL.

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate: "All we had to do was just finish out the game, and we just made critical mistakes again. That's just crushing us. That's been the story of our whole first 14 games of the season. You've got to be careful because when a guy is running at you with the ball like that, you've got to know when he sees you coming that he's going to pick up and launch it."

The Chicago Bulls: Despite facing off against the league's premier frontcourt, the Bulls held their own. In fact, they shut down Pau Gasol (3-for-10), who was owned by Joakim Noah (19 points, 13 boards, 4 steals, 3 blocked shots). Chicago outrebounded L.A. and outscored them in the paint.

Unfortunately, the Lakers bench -- "the Killer Bees" as Kevin McHale is calling them -- outscored Chicago's reserves 39-10. Shannon Brown, whom I wanted the Bulls to pursue last summer, lit up his hometown team for 21 points on 7-for-14 shooting and drilled more treys (5-for-10) than the entire Bulls team (4-for-20). Brown, Steve Blake and Matt Barnes combined for four three-pointers in L.A.'s decisive 17-2 fourth quarter run.

Hands. Faces. Somebody. Please.

Bobcats-Knicks: No defense. Lots of turnovers (39 for 58 points off turnovers). Two awful teams. But hey, at least a lot of points were scored.

Pistons-Mavericks: Yes, technically the Mavs won this game 88-84. However, when the pace is that molasses-in-January-in-Siberia slow, nobody wins. Dirk Nowitzki put up some big numbers (42 points, 12 rebounds), but was apparently the only player to set his alarm clock and wake up for this game. Caron Butler was the only other Mavs starter to score double-digits, and the team as a whole only shot 38% from the field.

On the other side of the court, Detroit managed to put together a combined effort of 11 assists and 15 turnovers. Perhaps John Kuester needs to focus more on fundamentals at their next practice, such as "pass the ball to the guys wearing the same color jersey as you." Also, the tone was set early in the game, as recapped by LotharBot in the BAD comments: "Over the first 4:27 of the Pistons-Mavs game, the Pistons starters have combined to shoot 0-5, with 1 rebound and 2 turnovers, and are trailing 11-0."

Rick Carlisle, quote machine: "It was a slower-paced game, a playoff-style game." Except, you know, for the Pissed-Ons being involved.

Sasha Vujacic, nickname machine: Via Wild Yams, "This is awesome. Of course, what isn't awesome when it's making fun of Sasha Vujacic?"



The Miami Heat: Again via Wild Yams, we finally have an explanation for why the Heat are not a good basketball team. No, it's not because they don't have anything resembling a point guard, or because their paint is protected by two men with a combined age of 847.



Chris's Lacktion Report: Chris may be in New York for a few days, but at least he's smart enough to avoid going to a Bricks game. The stink of Purple Pauper basketball is already all over him. He'd never make it out alive if he tried to watch a Bobcats-Bricks game in person. However, that does leave him time to compile the lacktion details:

Hawks-Nyets: Maurice Evans tossed one brick from Newark Penn Station and fouled twice in 7:39 for a +3 suck differential, while for New Jersey, Stephen Graham missed one shot in 4:07 and added a foul for a +2.

Sixers-Generals: Alonzo Gee celebrated his new start with Washington by a 4-second defeat of King Koopa for a Super Mario!

Bobcats-Knicks: Nazr Mohammed, Michael Jordan's starting big man of choice, had a statline so stunning (and described as "epic" here) it has to be repeated near verbatim: 4:27 on the floor, FOUR bricks, two rejections, two fouls, for a PLUS EIGHT SUCK DIFFERENTIAL. Amazingly, this only ended up being a 2:0 Voskuhl - but this made him officially Lacktator #100 on the young Association season!!!!

Pistons-Mavs: Ian Mahinmi had himself a piece of masonry in 3:06 for a +1

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Detroit Pistons, Philadelphia 76ers, The Best Worst of the Night Ever

Don't forget about...the...Hawks...oh, never mind.
The Orlando Magic: Memo to the rest of the NBA: If you pull ahead of the Utah Jazz by 18 or more points...they have you exactly where they want you.

Down 18 points to the Clippers on Saturday: They won.

Down 22 points to the Heat in Miami on Tuesday: They won.

Down 18 points to the Magic in Orlando on Wednesday: They won.

What's the deal? Ancient Chinese secret?

Said Paul Milsap: "I guess, getting behind. I guess that's what it takes to show all our talents."

The Jazz got behind while the Magic were getting it from behind. Utah put on a 24-2 run between the third and fourth quarters and then outscored Orlando 39-20 in the fourth to win 104-94, completing a staggering 28-point turnaround. On the road. Against a supposed contender. On the second night of back-to-backs. After beating the Super Friends of South Beach.

Said Stan Van Gundy: "Ridiculous professional basketball."

By ridiculous, SVG must be referring to the 25 points his team gave up off 21 turnovers (including 6 TOs for Dwight Howard). Or maybe it was the 11 missed free throws (including 8 by Pumaman). Or maybe it was the defense, which, well, yeah.

Balls.
Bonus bawful from reader William W.:

Watching Jazz vs Magic out of the corner of my eye, with ~3:50 left in the fourth quarter Rashard Lewis drove to the basket and then kicked out to the corner for a three... but the pass bounced off the legs of one of his teammates on the bench who was half standing up. Best part, the intended recipient (Redick I think) was wearing a towel. Cut to Stan Van Gundy mouthing "you've got to be f***ing kidding me". When the Magic were next on the offensive end Redick had a warm-up jacket on.

Great success!

Jerry Sloan, quote machine: "Improbable? We're supposed to be able to play. It wasn't probably, it was just a matter of trying to come and play and worry about what happened later."

Also, regarding whether Miami-Orlando was the toughest back-to-back road combination the Jazz could have faced:

"You mean because of the weather? It's a 20-minute flight. It's not so bad."

Have I mentioned I have a man crush on this crotchety old bastard?

Carlos Boozer: From Basketbawful reader Stockton:

Utah's Paul Millsap is one of three players in the league averaging at least 20 points and 10 rebounds per game. Millsap is posting a team-high 24 points and 10.9 boards per outing, joining Howard and the Lakers’ Pau Gasol in the esteemed category.

As for Boozer, he leads the league in injuries caused by bags.

The Atlanta Hawks: Okay. Where are all those "Don't forget about the Hawks!" articles and blog posts now?

There's no sugarcoating this one: The Bucks flat out pummeled the Dirty Birds. Milwaukee won the second quarter 33-14. The Bucks' reserves outscored Atlanta's bench 35-6...in the first half. Milwaukee led by as many as 30 points and the Hawks had to outscore them 32-20 in the fourth quarter to make the final score (108-91) simply "humiliating and pathetic" instead of "totally retarded."

By the way: The game was in Atlanta.

Said Al Horford: "It's hard to explain. I don't understand what happened."

Added Josh Smith: "When adversity hit us in the face, we went our separate ways."

And Hawks coach Larry Drew said: "When it gets a little tough, we have a tendency to hold our heads down. I don't want to see our guys hang their heads."

Uh oh. Is somebody going to warn him or should I?

Joe Johnson: The line: 13 points, 5-for-13, 0-for-3 from downtown, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. The contract: Six year, $119 million.

The Houston Rockets: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

The Rockets and Wizards Generals had their own Short Bus version of the Thunderdome last night. Houston was 1-5 and Washington was 1-4. Somebody was coming out of this with two wins...and somebody wasn't.

The Rockets were the wasn'ts.

John Wall went into Rookie God Mode (19 points, 13 assists, 10 rebounds, 6 steals) and poor Yao Ming -- SHOCK ALERT! -- got injured (strained tendon) six minutes and 14 seconds into the game. The Rockets shot 39 percent, gave up 25 fast break points and further tarnished the money ball genius of Daryl Morey.

Said Rick Adelman: "I was disappointed again. Every game we've had this year -- except for the one we won -- right down to the fourth quarter, we have a chance to win, and we don't get it done."

The Celebration of Chinese Heritage: From Basketbawful reader Myles N.:

Watching the Wizards game? Asian Heritage Night makes for pretty funny commentary.

During a commercial break they did a tiny piece on 'Dray learning more about Yi's "culture" by going to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I'm not sure how familiar you are with "Chinatown" in DC - but it's pretty much two blocks. So this is already a little funny for me. They then cut to show 'Dray and Yi sitting down and eating together, and the narrator drops a choice quote - "This kinda reminds me of Rush Hour!".

High five!

The Toronto Raptors: TWO MEN ENTER. ONE MAN LEAVES.

There was another Thunderdome brewing in Toronto last night as the 1-6 Bobcats took on the 1-6 Craptors for the rights to a 1-7 record.

Well, the Craptors "won" that right.


Toronto actually kept it close by scoring 36 points on the fast break. Of course, they gave up 21 points off 17 turnovers. The most costly turnover came at the end. With the 'Cats holding a three-point lead and only five seconds to go, Stephen Jackson stripped the ball from Andrea Bargnani. And that was Game Over.

Andrea Bargnani: "I lost the ball. There's no more to describe. He tipped it away."


The Cleveland Cavaliers: There were some feel-good vibes going down in Cleveland. And why not? The so-called Unamazing Cavaliers had defied the early-season odds by opening the year 4-3 and leading the Central Division. The Nyets came into the game riding one of the longest November losing streaks in league history.

So naturally, the Cavs -- playing at home -- lost.

What can I say? It was a close game. Mo Williams got hurt (again) and Devin Harris was really good (31 points, 9 assists). The Cavs gave up 15 offensive boards and 35 free throw attempts.

The New York Knicks: Throw in a classic revenge game for David Lee (28 points, 11-for-17, 10 rebounds, 4 steals, 2 assists) and a mind-boggling 74 points in the paint and you have a pretty standard 122-117 homecourt loss for Mike 'Antoni's Bricks.

That's three losses in a row for New York.

Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "We just can't get comfortable with losing. That's the mentality that we can't have. So we've got to make sure that we understand how important it is to look at film and look at ourselves in the mirror and try to improve individually, and then ultimately we'll get better as a team. Hopefully we all as players will understand that and move on."

Speaking of STAT...

Amar''''''e Stoudemire: In many ways, Sun Tzu or whatever he calls himself had his best game of the season: 33 points, 9-for-15 from the field, 10 rebounds. But he was also the heart of an interior defense that gave up 74 points.

I'm just sayin'.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers were without Andre Iguodala (Achilles tendinitis) and Jason Kapono (personal reasons), yet they still managed to play tough on the road against the Oklahoma City Thunder. In fact, Philly was down only 99-96 with 2:35 to play and seemed poised for a key defensive stop considering the Thunder had to inbound the ball with only one second left on the shot clock.

Well, one second and one Thabo Sefolosha lob pass to Russell Westbrook later, the Sixers' wills were pretty much broken. That's been Philly's season. Mental lapses, communication breakdowns, sloppy play. Hey, who's coaching these guys, anyway?

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 1: "We've just got to be better in those crucial situations, and let's not take anything away. Durant's the leading scorer in the league and Westbrook is unbelievable, so it's not like we got beat by two guys who aren't great, great players. These guys won gold medals this summer."

Doug Collins, coach of the year candidate, Part 2: "Basketball is a game of mistakes but you have to minimize them under pressure. We had a couple turnovers, loose with the ball, and then those two critical [plays] -- the three-point play and then Scotty Brooks drew up a great play, and we did not communicate."

Lou Williams: Let's see: 6 points on 2-for-11 shooting including 1-for-5 from beyond the arc. Oh, and Philly got outscored by 12 when he was on the floor.

The Memphis Grizzlies: What did Memphis coach Lionel Hollins think about his team's 106-91 home loss to the Mavericks: "Even if you are shooting 20 percent, you can still compete by playing defense, rebounding and make the other team have one less point than you. You can't just quit and not compete."

Aaaaaand...

"It's just one in 82 [games]. You try to win as many as you can. You try not to have a whole lot of these stinkers. That's what this was. A stinker."

For the record, Dallas shot 54 percent, scored 18 fast break points and led by as many as 21 points. Shawn Marion had a "back in my Phoenix days" performance with 20 points on 10-for-15 shooting and Jason Terry hit for 25 on 11-for-16 from the field. Hell, Brian Cardinal even had 5 points.

And, sweet baby Jesus, I know this will end up on the lacktion report but Hasheem Thabeet had a six trillion! I love this game!

Rick Carlisle, quote machine: "This guy is so tough, it is ridiculous."

Carlisle was talking about Dirk Nowitzki. No, really.

Dirk Nowitzki, pain management specialist: "It's usually the initial pain that hurts a little bit."

Initial pain hurts a little. Not always. But usually.

The Los Angeles Clippers: No Eric Gordon (shoulder). No Chris Kaveman (sprained ankle, painful ugliness). No Baron Davis (fat). No Randy Foyes.

Still, The Other L.A. Team kept the game reasonable close despite playing on the road against a good team. They were down only 95-90 with a few minutes to go when the camera panned to Vinny Del Negro calmly drawing up a play during a timeout with seemingly nobody looking on. If that's not Game Over, I don't know what is.

Check out this little snippet from the AP recap:

Injuries have decimated the Clippers, who are off to another horrendous start for the woebegone franchise. They fell to 1-8, so far showing no signs of the playoff potential that first-year coach Vinny Del Negro felt he had.

Vinny Del Negro + the Clippers = No playoffs ever.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 1: "It's not like we're going out there and giving up. It's tough. We've already lost more games than we lost my last year in college, and [Oklahoma] played almost three time the amount of games we've played."

Welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin, quote machine, Part 2: "We got five guys hurt. It's weird; we came out of the locker to warm up and it was like half our team out there. It's like going into a battle with half your guys."

Again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Blake Griffin: 11 points on 18 shot attempts.

And once again, welcome to the Clippers, Blake.

Richard Jefferson, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "You look at Manu [Ginobili] and Tony [Parker]; they have the balls in their hand the majority of the game."

The Sacramento Kings: The morbidly depressing Timberwolves -- losers of six straight games -- brought their fail wagon to Sacramento to take on the previously 3-1 Purple Paupers. Minny was 0-5 on the road and playing the second night of back-to-back roadies following a tough loss to the Lakers.

This shoulda been a gimmie, right?

Instead, the Sactowners fell victim to a career night by Michael Beasley: 42 points on 17-for-31 shooting (including 7-for-10 from the line) to go with 9 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. Sebastian Telfair -- yes, Bassy's still alive -- added 16 points on 8-for-14 shooting and Darko Milicic even submitted a near double-double (9 points, 8 boards).

Meanwhile, the Paupers shanked 12 free throws and surrendered 25 points off 19 turnovers. But hey, at least they held the T-Wolves to zero fast break points. So they have that going for them, which is nice.

Tyreke Evans: Wow. Rough night for the Freak: A season-low 5 points on 1-for-5 shooting to go with 9 assists and 5 turnovers. He even airballed a free throw attempt in the third quarter. Oh, and he fouled out with 9:02 left in the fourth.

Said Evans: "I just couldn't get into a rhythm; it was hard to play with foul trouble and coming out of the game. They were playing good defense and making me pass the ball."

Whaaaaa...? A point guard passing the ball?! Unheard of!

Darko Milicic: From Basketbawful reader 49er16:

Watching Darko is something everyone needs to do at least once this year. He's the Mona Lisa of bawful. Just truly terrible to watch.

Example: Darko grabbed an offensive rebound against the Paupers and immediately turned the ball over. The ball wasn't stolen or anything. Darko tried to pass the ball, but he threw it to no one. And I mean, there was none of his teammates near the general vicinity where Darko was passing the ball.

Paul Westphal, coach of the year candidate: "Obviously Michael Beasley was someone we didn't have any success at all guarding tonight. We tried pretty much everything we could try, and he had the answer [for them all]."

Bonus bawful: Joakim Noah vs. Kevin Garnett: From ESPNChicago via Wild Yams:

"Kevin Garnett will not -- will not -- get a Christmas gift from me. I don't like him."

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

"I had his poster in my room, I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down."

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don't know why, but that's who he doesn't like. He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

Yeah. It's always a good idea to give the Celtics bulletin board material.

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Bucks-Hawks: Jarron Collins avoided pure lacktivity in 10:21 with an assist, but fouled and lost the rock three times each for a 6:0 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Magic: For the bebop cowboys, Francisco Elson treated them to a ledger appearance by countering a board in 5:11 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, fellow improviser Gordon Hayward bricked and fouled once in 4:10 for a +2 suck differential.

Bobcats-Raptors: DeSagana Diop dropped into Voskuhl territory again by negating one block in 3:58 with a foul, earning a 1:0 Madsen-level ratio.

Rockets-Generals: Hilton Armstrong asked room service to unmake his two boards in 9:29, and two fouls with one giveaway certainly undid a mildly productive night with a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Nets-Cavs: Quinton Ross's +3 in 4:50 via two bricks and a foul actually worked out for a celebratory cause, along with Joe Smith's 4.35 trillion and Damion James's 36 second Mario.

Warriors-Knicks: Timofey Mozgov moseyed into the ledger by countering a 100% free throw percentage (on two shots) in 1:59 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Mavs-Grizzlies: For Mark Cuban's collective, Ian Mahinmi had himself a +1 via foul in 3:52, also earning a 1:0 Voskuhl. Speaking of riches, former #2 overall pick Hahseem Thabeet found a gold mine worth 5.85 trillion (5:52)!

Sixers-Thunder: Cole Aldrich came into tonight's game ready to play some defense, and he did do so with two boards in 9:04. He lalso however fouled four times and lost the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl!

Clippers-Spurs: Chris Quinn continues to be the lacktive good luck charm for Gregg Popivch - with San Antonio not only 3-0 in his appearances, but richer tonight with a 1.2 trillion (1:11)!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

Hey Bawfulites - this is one of my few ever actual entries on Bawful. Usually I'm too busy and lazy to contribute directly, but Bawful browbeat me with merciless texts until I capitulated in tears. As a sidenote, I like basketball, but I'm not the pro that many are here with stats, history, etc. So if you want an in-depth analysis, look elsewhere. I just went as a fan of basketball and Basketbawful.

At any rate, I knew I was in for a real treat when I realized that I had Friday evening free for a Friday-Saturday student conference for which I was serving as the advisor. I went to get tickets for the Sixers versus the Cavaliers, and as an experiment there were 6-seat blocks of tickets in every single section. Last time Bawful and I hit a Bullies game on short notice, it was like trying to find a clean hooker in Cuba. (We found tickets, but they weren't ones we wanted). But no matter, we got upper deck seats behind the benches at half court. And my anticipation began.

When we got there the crowd was electric. I mean, the little 6-year old dropping f-bombs to his mom was really excited. And the girls signing us up for credit cards just after the gate were so excited they actually grabbed one of my students after he said, "No thanks." Ahh, it was good to be back in Philly. We went ahead and proceeded to our seats, about 15 minutes before the tip. So we could beat the crowd and get settled.

We made it.
I thought I was in a new episode for The Walking Dead . The emptiness was nightmarish. The only folks around were the Hare Raisers and the "Fans of the Game". In case you're too lazy to click that first link, they're the acrobatic posse for Hip-Hop, the least memorable mascot in the world. The PA system was blaring all sorts of gangster rap, which I think was targeted to the young, African-American population that wasn't coming to the game. Because they've got more standards than I do.

The teams finally come out to warm up, and it looked promising for a bawful game. The Cavs literally just did ten solid minutes of slow-motion layups. No jumpers. No dunks. Just boring layups. Fast forward past half-assed Hare Raiser shenanigans and a decent national anthem (thanks for printing the words -- I had a moment of patriotic despair when I realized we need to karaoke our own national anthem), and we were then treated to the best part of the game. The pre-game video.

I had honestly forgotten the entire legacy of the 76ers. I generally think of Barkley, Dr. J and Wilt. Of course Iverson was in that movie too, but they included scenes of Moses Malone, Maurice Cheeks, Billy Cunningham, Hal Greer, Dolph Schayes, World B. Free (how could I forget him?), Darryl Dawkins, George McGinnis, and Doug Collins. Sorry folks. No Shawn Bradley. But seriously, the 76ers have quite a long history, especially if you go back to their Syracuse days and beyond. No matter how bawful they get, you can't take that away from them.

The game opens and of course neither Varejao nor Hawes can get it on first jump. It pretty much falls onto Varejao who quickly bats it away before it gets stuck in his Jerry Curls. And the next 12 minutes convinces me that if defense was not included in the ticket price. Mo Williams was just waltzing to the basket with abandon, and Varejao was getting easy boards and putbacks. Oh, and flops. After Holiday hit him at about 6 MPH, Varejao flew out of the paint like a wad of wet paper towels out of a PVC potato cannon. At this point I text bawful that the Cavs are up by 20 in the FIRST QUARTER and that Varejao is flopping. "Natch" is the reply.

The other best part of the evening then took place. CRAB FRIES! What better awesome treat for the Craboliers game? Seriously. I'm a right fat bastard compared to most of you. I like my food. And when I die in the sack at 65 it is a conscious choice! So the crab fries were totally on my radar as my only source for dinner that night. The only sad part was that since I was advising students, no beer for me. I guess it did keep the tab down. Oh, and in PA we have Yuengling: America's oldest beer. It is so much better that Barfweiser or Miller Diarrheal that it's my gold standard throughout the year. If you ever get the chance, do it. But, sadly, I passed and instead reached for an ice, cold, root beer.

During this time the announcer must have drunk the purple Kool-Aid, because he officially died worse than the defense in the game. At one point, Jamario Moon made a wide-open jumper, and the only thing over the PA was a strange mix of Ben Stein and Bob Thornton from Slingblade: "Jamario. Moon." The Sixers though, started battling back. I think it was less of a desire to win and more of a lack of understanding that they were even down 20. The Cavs started missing a few more shots due to the smell of the Crab Fries, and at half the Sixers were only down about 10.

Here's where I realized that some teams are in sorry financial shape. The last few games I’ve been at have been in Chicago, where they can afford such awesome hits as Duo Design. The Sixers ran three "follow the peanut" games on the scoreboard and had two contestants try to hit jumpers from the layup position (worth $2), free throw ($3) and a three-pointer ($5). They had three minutes. The winner won $10 to $3. And despite all of that, it was still better than Duo Design.

I just can't reference Duo Design. Instead,I'll post the reaction to our contestants.
The third quarter made it seem like the Sixers cared about winning. Elton Brand started coming over the PA more and more. I did a rough calculation – I figured his contract was about $15 mil this year (good guess – it’s $15,979,099). With the math on my cell phone, I figured he was getting paid about $183 K for this game. Each time his name got called, it was worth anywhere from $9 to $16 thousand dollars. Freaking SlingBen Stein on the PA was making me depressed. I then noticed Holiday was having a holiday on the Cavs. Who is Holiday? I don’t even know this guy. As a little perspective, he’s making $1.6 mil this year. Every time his name got called he was making a little more than $1,000 dollars each time. And by the hustle in the game, *he’s* the one that should have been paid 10 times the amount of other players.

Thank god for the 4th quarter though, because surely the magnets that held down defender’s shoes would be turned off. Right? RIGHT? Well, the first two quarters of the game the Cavs put up 34 and 27 points, and then bricked their way to 18 points in the third quarter. If Philly could just keep them to about 24-25 points, they can score more than the 6 they need to win! Or, instead, they forget all about defense and treat the lane like it’s Vault 87.. Daniel Gibson and Mo Williams were waltzing in the lane constantly. And, in a way that only a team anchored by Elton Brand can do, the Sixers proceeded to stand around more aggressively to give up 44 points in the fourth and lose the game.

Overall, I felt like I spent $45 bucks for a good pick-up game. There were almost no set plays, awful defense, and bewildered guys just hoping to get back on the bench for their own Crab Fries. But one thing about NBA games that I can always appreciate, is the parts of the game you only get to see live.

Labels: BadDave, Cleveland Cavaliers, guest author, Philadelphia 76ers

The Boston Celtics

Last season, Boston's two biggest problems were age and injuries. Their offseason response was to get older and more injury prone with the acquisitions of Shaq and Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal. Remember: The 2009-10 Celtics were only a few baskets away from winning Game 7 of the NBA Finals on the road against a pretty good Lakers team. So how seriously should we take the 2010-11 Celtics? Let me put it this way: Even die-hard Boston fans have to answer that question by saying, "If Shaq and/or Jermaine O'Neal can just..."

That's right. All it's going to take is for Shaq and The Drain the make an actual, basketball-related impact on their new team. Mind you, this is something they've utterly failed to do in each of the last couple stops of the NBA careers. Shaq sunk the Seven Seconds or Less Era in Phoenix before helping Cleveland lose LeBron James forever.

As for The Drain, he got passed around like a hot potato after the Pacers finally suckered somebody into taking his giant contract off their bloodstained hands, and he was declared legally deceased during Miami's one-round playoff run last season. Mind you, it was the Celtics are the team who eliminated the Heat, so they got to watch his playoff implosion up close. How bad was he? Well, he went 9-for-44 from the field, his PER was 2.5 and he finished the series with an Offensive Rating of 57. Oh, and in Miami's elimination game, he grabbed only two defensive rebounds.

But you know what? I don't see those shambling mounds as Boston's biggest problems. As a Celtics fan, I'm much more worried about the fact that Rajon Rondo still can't hit jump shots with consistency or knock down clutch free throws. Those two factors may very well have cost the Celts the 2010 NBA title. Speaking of things that may have cost Boston the title, how about Ray Allen's playoff shooting slump? Look, shooters slump, I get that. But Allen's have been getting worse, lasting longer and are becoming more critical because they're happening during the playoffs. Are these things going to get better by tacking on another year and more miles to his odometer? On top of those factors, now that Tony Allen is marinating in the Grizzlies locker room, who's going to hound the Kobes and LeBrons of the world?

And let's not forget the C's lost their defensive guru, Tom Thibodeau, to the Chicago Bulls.

Look, the Celtics are going to win their division. Mostly because the other teams in the Atlantic are the crappiest of the crappy crap (see below). And they'll definitely be dangerous come playoff time, assuming everybody remains relatively healthy. But the 2010 Finals proved that championships are won and lost by the slimmest of margins. The Celtics just have too many question marks and what ifs.

The New Jersey Nyets

Last season, the Nyets managed only 12 wins and needed a late-season run -- if you can consider five wins in their last 12 games a "run" -- to avoid becoming the worst team (in terms of wins and losses) in NBA history. Still, as horrific as the season was -- poor Brook Lopez has permanent handprints on his face from all the facepalming he did last year -- all the losing was supposed to have a happy ending. After all, New Jersey had stockpiled cap space for the summer's free agent bonanza and their record practically made them a mortal lock for the number one overall draft pick. If they could just win the draft lottery and select John Wall...

...only they didn't win the draft lottery. They got the third pick, which they used to select Derrick Favors, a kid with decent long-term potential but little chance of making an impact this season. Other key acquisitions include Travis Outlaw, Anthony Morrow, Troy Murphy, Quinton Ross, Jordan Farmar, Stephen Graham, Joe Smith's corpse and Johan Petro (for $10 million over three years...WTF?!).

I'm have absolutely no idea what kind of Frankenstein's monster new GM Billy King (a.k.a. the guy who once destroyed the Philadelphia 76ers) expects new coach Avery Johnson to build out of this freaky warehouse of scrap parts. But I can't wait to find out.

But you know what the best part is? After last year's near-record setting failfest, there's virtually no way the Nyets can't improve this season. Even a conservative estimate of, say, 24 wins would be an enormous improvement. So expect better days in New Jersey. Relatively speaking.

The New York Knicks

During the offseason, the Bricks spent $100 million on Amar''''''e Stoudemire. Which would be fine if Amar''''''e wasn't a total fraud.

Okay, okay. That's not fair. Stoudemire isn't a total fraud. The guy is a stud on offense, ranking 5th in free throw attempts (632), 7th in field goal percentage (.557) and 10th in points per game (23.1). However, most of those sparkling stats came at the end of an assist from Steve Nash. In Phoenix, Amar''''''e lived off the variety of dunks, layups and pick-and-pops that Nash created. Conversely, Stoudemire was at his absolute worst when trying to create offense on his own. Unless he could simply blow by his man and not encounter any help defense at the rim, the dude looked like a baby deer trying to run on ice skates. STAT isn't a creator, he's a finisher. What's he going to finish in New York? Other than the hopes and dreams of Knicks fans everywhere. Assuming those suckers have any hopes and dreams left.

Stoudemire cowers from defensive rebounds the way Ron Artest shrinks away from giant snake eggs. And his answer to "defense" is to either leap out of the way matador style or reach in with the awkward clumsiness of a teenage boy groping his first real breast, which is why he ranked 5th in personal fouls last season (281).

The point is: If Amar''''''e is the foundation of your team -- the unquestioned heart and soul -- then your team is officially f***ed. I fully expect Stoudemire to become this season's premier 20-10-50 guy.

Knicks hopefuls might want to point out that Donnie Walsh flipped David "All O, No D" Lee for Anthony Randolph, Ronny Turiaf and Kelenna Azubuike. I would remind those people that the team's starting point guard is Raymond Felton (a poor pick-and-roll player) and the team doesn't have much in the way of consistent, high-percentage three-point shooting. These things do not play to Stoudemire's strengths.

In other words: Expect New York's playoff drought to continue.

The Philadelphia 76ers

Year Two of The Elton Brand Era saw the Sixers win only 27 games and finish tied for the third-worst record in the Eastern Conference. According to the Pythagorean Wins calculated by Basketball-Reference.com, Philly was better than only the following teams: New Jersey, Minnesota, The Other L.A. Team, Detroit and Washington. That's a real rogue's gallery of suck, right there.

During 2009-10, the Sixers should have worn masks with question marks on them, because the team had no identity whatsoever. I mean, they were supposed to be a running team yet finished the season ranked 22nd in Pace and 23rd in PPG. Furthermore, they ranked 22nd in three-point percentage (.343) and their inside game was anchored by Elton Brand, who was granted Living Statue status by the world's leading statueologists. Basically, there really wasn't much of anything this team did particularly well. Other than lose, that is.

Now ask yourself this: Has anything of major significance changed from last season to this season? Flipping Sammy Dalembert for Andres Nocioni and Spencer Hawes makes the team...whiter...I guess. Number two overall pick Evan Turner was a summer league disappointment. And as for new coach Doug Collins, well, did you see his last two seasons as a head coach in Washington? He lost the trust of every player on that team not named Michael Jordan, and that was only because he was Jordan's Yes Man.

Which is why the quarterback battle between Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick is the only real ray of hope Philadelphia fans have right now.

Sorry, Philadelphia fans.

The Toronto Raptors

Last season, Chris Bosh ranked 6th in the league in rebounds per game (10.8), 7th in free throw attempts (590) and 9th in points per game (24.0). He was also 4th in Player Efficiency Rating (25.0), trailing only LeBron James (31.1), Dwyane Wade (28.0) and Kevin Durant (26.2). Of course, Bosh put together what was probably his best statistical season during a contract year while playing for a Raptors team that failed to make the playoffs. But those are just facts, so feel free to discard them.

(Reality check: Bosh ranked 7th in the league with 7.9 Offensive Win Shares, yet ranked only 19th overall with 9.6 Win Shares. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Bosh had only 1.7 Defensive Win Shares during his best statistical season. How is that possible? I'm sure it had nothing whatsoever to do with him gunning it on offense to improve his free agent standing.)
Anyway, even though Bosh was lighting it up -- at the offensive end, anyway -- the Raptors still floundered down the stretch and missed the postseason (thanks largely to an injury to Bosh). When Bosh decided to take his talents to South Beach, it was done to a massive chorus of "Good riddance!!" from Canadians everywhere. And yet...

...Bosh's departure has made Toronto's roster one of the most depressing sights in the league. Their best returning players (Andrea Bargnani, DeMar DeRozan and Jose Calderon) strike fear in no one's heart (unless you count their fantasy owners). Their new additions (Leandro Barbosa, Amir Johnson, Linas Kleiza and draft pick Ed Davis) would be decent pickups for a team that was already pretty good. But the Raptors aren't pretty good. And this season, they might even be the worst team in the league.

Labels: Atlantic Division, Boston Celtics, NBA season preview, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors

An era of horror in New Jersey finally, mercifully comes to an end.
The Indiana Pacers: So much for the "surging" Pacers. Indy had won 11 of its last 14 games including 10 of 11 at home. And, in their final home game of the season, the Pacers treated their fans to a 118-98 stink-bomb loss in which they had a 43-24 disadvantage in free throw attempts and got outrebounded 53-38. So...when do the Butler Bulldogs start playing again?

Said Troy Murphy: "No excuses. We just didn't have it tonight from start to finish."

In related news, the Pacers are 27th in attendance, ahead of only the Grizzlies, Kings and Nyets. The only surprise there is that Indy wasn't dead last. But then again, the only other thing to do in Indiana is watch corn slowly grow, so maybe it makes a little sense.

Pictured: Why I don't like telling peoplethat I'm originally from Indiana.
The Philadelphia 76ers: Speaking of last home games of the season, the Sixers -- who rank 26th in attendance -- tried to go out on a high note against the "surging" Heat. But not even the Curse of Surge could help Philly, who lost on a Udonis Haslem jumper with 1.3 seconds left despite shooting 55 percent for the game.

Andre "The Other 80 Million Dollar Man" Iguodala, who missed five free throws in the two-point loss (including two straight with 2:41 left and his team down two), said: "We had the game in our hands, but we let it slip away. We made some mistakes down the stretch and we don't give ourselves an attempt to try to win or tie the game up."

There's no better way to sum up Philly's season. Short of an interpretive seizure that ends with uncontrollable vomiting and defecation.

The Detroit Pistons: Speaking once again of final home games of the season, the Pistons -- who inexplicably rank 8th in attendance -- got to wrap up their home schedule against a Chris Bosh-less Craptors team that had lost five in a row and 18 of their last 25 games. Oh, and Toronto was also playing the second of back-to-back games, the first of which was a 104-88 home court fail to the equally hapless Chicago Bulls.

So of course the Craptors got 33 points from Andrea Bargnani and a career-high 26 from Amir Johnson to win 111-97 in the Palace of Auburn Hills.

Defense was a problem. As summed up in the AP recap: "The Raptors had assists on 21 of their first 22 field goals, finished with a season-high 37 assists, and made 60 percent of their shots overall and on 3-pointers." In other words, there weren't any hands in any faces in Detroit last night.

In the process, the Pistons (26-55) have guaranteed their worst record since going 20-62 in the 1993-94 season. What's more, this will be the first year Detroit hasn't made the playoff since 2001.

Said Tayshaun Prince: "It's really disappointing."

Don't worry, Detroit fans. Only a few short months before the Lions open training camp!

Charlie Villanueval: Charlie V. -- one half of Joe Dumars' $90 million offseason spending spree -- had this to say on his Twitter account hours before his team's tipoff against the Craptors:

Toronto tonight at the palace, sorry Toronto fans, have love for u fans but Detroit is going to win

Guarantee win tonight, yeah I said it

And this is what he tweeted a few hours after the game:

Thank God I don't gamble cause I will be terrible at, lol

LOL!!!!

And this is what Villanueva told the press: "I don't think that fired them up because they had something to play for. I thought we would come ready to play, and I'm shocked we didn't after the way we've played lately."

I wonder if Charlie V. realizes his team has won 26 games this season. This loss isn't all that shocking. What's shocking is that Detroit fans haven't started chucking bricks during games.

The New Jersey Nyets: Speaking yet again about final home games of the season, the Nyets -- a mortal lock for this season's last place attendence record -- finished their run at the Izod Center with a double-digit loss to the Charlotte Bobcats in which they shot 39 percent and missed 20 of 24 three-pointers. As the AP recap put it: "The New Jersey Nets opened their 29-year NBA stay at the Meadowlands with a loss and they ended the run the same way."

How very fitting.

Devin Harris -- whose team is 35-109 since he said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" in December of 2008 -- said: "It's disappointing losing the last game at Izod. But it's been like that for us all season."

Remember how the Nyets supposedly "fleeced" the Mavericks by getting Harris and DeSagana Diop in the Jason Kidd trade? Man, that seems forever and a week ago. Maybe Mark Cuban knew what he was doing after all...

Larry Brown, quote machine: As the AP recap pointed out: "The constant in both events was Larry Brown. He coached the Nets that night in 1981 against the Knicks and he was back for the final game to guide the Charlotte Bobcats over New Jersey 105-95 on Monday night."

To which Larry responded: "I was here for the first and the last. What does that tell you? How dumb are these people who keep hiring me? I'm sure over my career I've been in a lot of buildings and outlasted them. Me. Nelly [Don Nelson] and Lenny [Wilkens]. Coach [Jerry] Sloan. I don't know if that's a good thing."

The Milwaukee Bucks: Still speaking about final home games of the season -- do you sense a theme here? -- the previously surging but currently Andrew Bogut-less Bucks couldn't defend (giving up 53 percent shooting) or throw the ball into the ocean (shooting 38 percent as a team). As a result, they lost to the Hawks 104-96 and got dumped to sixth place in the Eastern Conference playoff race. Ah, but what does playoff seeding mean, anyway? Just ask rookie Brandon Jennings, veteran of exactly zero playoff games.

Said Jennings: "It's either Atlanta or Boston. I think they are both beatable for us. We've been hanging with them the whole year."

Aw! Rookies are so cute when they're being stupid.

Update! The Sacramento Kings: Hey, have I mentioned any last home games of the season yet? Well, the Paupers lost theirs. And it was a classic revenge game, as Kevin Martin -- who got voted off Excremento Island in favor of 'Reke the Freak -- had his second-highest scoring game of the season: 39 points on 11-for-20 from the field and 16-for-16 from the line.

Meanwhile, Evans -- thanks to some shot happiness and ball-hoggery -- joined Oscar Robertson, Michael Jordan and LeBron James in the 20-5-5 Rookie Club, which probably doesn't take that much of the sting out of Sacto's 25-56 record. Although, because of that record, 'Reke's record was pretty much the only reason the fans showed up. Just ask Paul Westphal: "This game was more about extraneous things more than the actual wins or losses. I think the players sensed that."

Yeah. I think the players have sensed that for a while, Paul. In related news, the Kings picked up the option on Westphal's contract for 2011-12 before the game.

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "I didn't even know what was going on. Then finally they put 20-5-5 up there. I was more than happy to let him have that and we will take the win and go home."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay. One more "losing their final home game of the season" entry...which is what the Clippers did in getting pounded by the Mavericks 117-94. Okay, okay. Technically, The Other L.A. Team will finish up their season with a "home game" against the Lakers on Wednesday night, but that's the same as a game on the moon for the poor Clips, who were officially eliminated from the "30-Win Club" race. The best they can do is finish 29-53.

In related news, The Other L.A. Team is 20th in attendence despite being in freaking Los Angeles.

In all fairness to the Clippers, they were minus both of their starting guards -- Baron Davis (quitter sprained wrist) and Eric Gordon (sick of the Clippers viral infection) -- but that doesn't change the fact that they've lost eight of nine games and 18 of 21 to ensure their 17th losing season in the last 18 years. Abandon hope all ye who play or root for the Clippers!

Yep. They are who we thought they were.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: And finally a team wins their final home game of the season! And their 133-111 victory over the Timberpoops -- during which Minny committed 19 turnovers, gave up almost 60 percent shooting and fell behind by as many as 30 points -- gave the Spurs their 11th straight 50-win season. Feel the surge!

Minny's season ends Wednesday at home against the Pistons, and we have some potentially historic fail in the works. If the Timberwolves lose, they'll tie the Tony Campbell-led 1991-92 squad for worst record in the 21-year history of the franchise.

Said Al Jefferson: "If it happens, it was just meant to happen. That's how I look at it. Of course we don't want it to happen, but it's life."

Added Timberpoops coach Kurt Rambis: "This team was not built to win this year. We knew that."

So...the T-Poops were supposed to suck this season? I just love it when a team fulfills their potential!

The Memphis Grizzlies: Their 123-101 loss in Denver bumped the Griz back to a game below .500, which just feels about right for this team, doesn't it? Memphis shot 39 percent, gave up 39 free throw attempts and surrendered 27 fast break points. I thought bears came out of hibernation in the spring.

Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins: "I didn't like nothing about the whole game. They pretty much had a party here. A going-away party. The last game for the fans. They had a party with it."

Party dance!


Zach Randolph: Now here's the Z-Bo we knew and loved! Near the end of the third quarter, Randolph got tagged with foul numero cinco for sending Nene to the floor during the battle for an offensive board. Admittedly, Nene might have done a little grabbing and acting, but losing your cool over iffy calls usually doesn't help. And of course it didn't. Zach's blabbing earned him a double-technical and an automatic ejection. Nene drilled all four free throws (two for the initial foul and two for the techs) to increase the Nuggets' lead to 90-72. Game over.

And did I mention Randolph is looking for mo' money? (Thanks to Basketbawful reader Hajt for the link.)

Now, just for shits and giggles, here's a classic Z-Bo booboo from the Isiah Thomas Era in New York. Gods, how I miss that era.


Rudy Gay: Even though he took a team-high 14 shot attempts, Gay finished with more fouls (4) than field goals (3) and more turnovers (2) than assists (1). Every time I've seen Rudy turn in one of these sub-par performances over the second half of the season, I always think the same thing: I wonder who's going to end up overpaying him this summer? I hope to God it's not the Bulls.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Spider-Man's balls! Will Portland's misery never end? As if they hadn't been through enough this season -- including the loss of both centers, the Vanilla Godzilla reinjuring himself in the shower and their coach rupturing an Achilles tendon at practice -- the Frail Blazers have lost Brandon Roy to a torn meniscus in his right knee. Roy says he wants to play in the postseason, but that seems like borderline lunacy to me. Sure, his doctors say he probably can't hurt it any worse, but it's a fucking torn meniscus, Brandon! Take a seat, get healthy, and bring it next season.

Did I mention that a total of 13 Blazers have missed a combined 307 games this season?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. The Thunder. They ended up getting locked into the eighth seed and a first-round playoff date with the Lakers by losing 103-95 to the Roy-less Blazers, who got a season-high 30 points and 13 rebounds from Marcus Camby. Not only did the Camby Man go 12-for-16 from the field, but he submitted his highest scoring output since going off for 33 points against (of course) the Phoenix Suns on December 2, 2005.

More fun facts: Oklahoma City got pounded 60-40 in the paint and gave up 27 points off 16 turnovers.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: The Bullets were up by 10 points with about 10 and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter...but the Bricks ended up winning that quarter 40-21 as Washington lost 114-103.

Said Shaun Livingston: "Both offensively and defensively, it was just a total meltdown."

Added "Mr. Responsible" Andray Blatch: "We weren't disciplined in the fourth quarter. Plain and simple. They hit a couple of shots and we just lost our mind. We were like a chicken without a head out there."

Update! Andray Blatch: From AnacondaHL: "Extra bit from the Whizz-Bricks game: With Washington up 92-83, about 9 minutes left in the game, the Blatche Watch (hurrdurf) began. Having picked up his 5th PF, but having already collected a 17/10/7, Blatche started upping the amount of forced passes to teammates (this had been going on since the 3rd period), shooting for that triple-double. This of course opens a 20-2 run for the Knicks, eventually leading to the 40 point 4th quarter and a NY win. If the camera were any closer, I would have loved to see each sneer made when teammates missed shots and layups on potential assists."

Wow. It's like Blatch is channeling Wilt Chamberlain from the season the Dipper lead the league in assists. (It was 1967-68 in case you're interested.)

Tracy McGrady: Mr. "Sixth man? I don't see myself being a sixth man. I mean, I haven't fallen off that...much. I've been hurt the last two years. But I ain't fallen off that much." missed last night's game with a "DNP Knee" because he still can't handle back-to-back games.

But he hasn't fallen off that much.

Mike D'Antoni, quote machine: Regarding the "hope" the Bricks have after completing their franchise record ninth consecutive losing season: "The fans need to hang in there a bit with us and hopefully we'll get the job done. It's going to be a tough summer, but they've hung this long so they might as well wait a few months and see what happens."

Paul Pierce and his delusions of grandeur: From Basketbawful reader winnetou: "Paul Pierce, Dunning-Kruger effect representative, when asked about the Celtics' playoff ambitions and chances: 'We want to be the champs. That’s the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don’t care what our record is. I don’t care how we’ve played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That’s been our goal since we brought the team together, and that’s not changed.' But is it realistic? 'Yeah,' Pierce said. 'Without question.' (Boston Herald via TrueHoop)."

Update! Lacktion report: Evil e-mail gremlins sent chris's brilliant lacktion report to my Spam folder. I guess the Yahoo! e-mail administrators don't like lacktion.

Heat-Sixers: Joel Anthony made one steal in 19:23 as Miami's starting big man, yet bricked twice, took a rejection, and gained two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Raptors-Pistons: Rasho Nesterovic lost the rock once in 4:35 for a +1 suck differential, also worthy of a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. Marcus Banks collected on a single-giveaway +1 as well, but in 1:24.

Bobcats-Nyets: Nazr Mohammed spent 18:07 collecting two boards, only to take a rejection and three fouls and giveaways each for a 6:2 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Bucks: I guess it's time for the raccoon tail, as THE Mario West and Randolph Morris have become Mario Brothers for the THIRD time in about a week, in 10 seconds of screen time shared with Fred Savage and Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis!

Dan Gadzuric fouled twice and bricked once in 4:27 to earn a +3 that also garnered a 2:0 Voskuhl. Primoz Brezec brought home the bacon with a 3.9 trillion (3:55) for Milwaukee.

Wolves-Spurs: Damien Wilkins bricked twice (once from the Riverwalk) and fouled twice in 8:02 for a +4!

Rockets-Kings: With Discount Store returning to Sactown for his first capital-area blue light special in months, Ime Udoka was able to save up 1.25 trillion (1:15)!

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Memphis Grizzlies, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, Philadelphia 76ers, Worst of the Night

"Thanks, guys! I couldn't have done it without the 24 games we've won this season!"
The Minnesota Timberwolves: Even though the Warriors were without Monta "Moped" Ellis (flu), Anthony Randolph (ankle), Kelenna Azubuike, Andris Biedrins (sports hernia) and Brandan Wright, they still managed to beat the Timberpoops 116-107 in Minnesota to make Don Nelson the winningest coach in NBA history. Of course, if David Stern adopted any of my suggestions, a victory over Minny would only count for, like, 0.4 of an actual win. Although that would have still put Nelson at 1,332.4 coaching victories, which would still be the most ever.

Said Stephon Curry: "For us to get the record is a big accomplishment for us. We call it our championship game." In related news, the Warriors are 24-54 this season.

Don Nelson, quote machine: After setting the all-time NBA coaching wins record, Nelson -- who also has 1,061 career coaching losses -- said: "There's plenty of guys close to that if they want to coach a couple of years. There's coaches out there that win 50 at a time, 60 at a time. Not like me, winning 20 at a time, it's a little harder."

The New York Knicks: News flash: As of last night's 113-105 victory over the Bricks -- now the proud losers of 50 games in four of their past five seasons! -- the Pacers won for the 10th time in their last 11 home games and have won eight of 10 overall. Another news flash: Two women tried to sneak a dead man onto an airplane, Weekend At Bernies-style. Which of these facts is stranger? I'm going with the Pacers suddenly looking like postseason contenders. I'm baffled. Of course, Larry Bird is probably furiously dry-humping his desk in Conseco Field House and screaming, "Suck it, bitches!" At least, I'd like to think so.

Said Indy's Danny Granger: "We're clicking well on the offensive end. We're making shots, we're moving, we're getting layups, we're cutting. We really have everything going."

Not surprisingly, Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni remembers things a little differently: "I thought we were dead from the start with the game last night. We didn't have the necessary energy to start the game off. ... "I thought we played pretty well, except for the start."

Much as I hate to admit it, Mikey has a point. The Bricks fell behind 38-25 after the first period and were down by as many as 20 in the first half before rallying for the close loss instead of the blowout loss. Yay team?

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: Regarding Indy's offense: "They get up and down, high volume of shots." Guess who's agent is probably already on the phone with Larry Bird...

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: Thanks to a 121-94 road thrashing by the Orlando Magic -- who have moved to within a half-game of the Los Angeles Lakers We Don't Give A Shit Until The Playoffs for the second-best record in the league -- the Bullets missed out on their first three-game winning streak in two years. Yep. It's been years between stringing together more than two wins in a row.

This beating, and maybe Washington's entire season, was epitomized by the crazy sequence that ended the third quarter. Jason Williams -- that's right, White Chocolate, baby! -- drilled a trey with two seconds left. Then Matt Barnes swatted a sloppy pass from The Fabulous Oberto back to Williams, who swished another three at the buzzer. Those few seconds bumped Orlando's lead from 13 to 19 and basically ended the game.

Said Williams: "I just got lucky."

There's no such thing as luck when you're playing the Bullets. I mean, the Magic shot almot 60 percent for the game. You don't knock down 44 out of 76 field goals by being lucky.

The Toronto Raptors: Can you say snakebitten? Oh, I guess that's pretty easy. Can you say hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Anyway, one night after losing Chris Bosh "for weeks" after Antawn Jamison broke his face with an atomic elbow, Hedo Turkododo left the game during the first quarter after an unintentional headbutt from Boston's Tony Allen. Turkoglu sustained a bruised vagina nasal contusion and was taken to a local dance club for beers the hospital for a CT scan.

"Quick! Get me some gauze, an ice pack, a shot ofMaker's Mark and $20 for cover at Republik!"
Said Antoine Wright: "When it rains it pours, I guess. We're dropping like flies right now."

Buzz buzz buzz!! In related news, last night's 115-104 home loss to the slumping Celtics was Toronto's third not-win in a row and the 12th in their last 18 games. And remember, folks, the Craptors are actually fighting for a playoff spot. I'd hate to see what they'd be doing if they didn't have anything to play for.

Michael Finley: Boston's resident mummy almost missed last night's game against the Craptors after -- and I'm being totally serious here -- he strained his back picking up his luggage at the team hotel. At least he didn't trip over his walker, too.

Said Doc River: "That's when you know you're old."

Added Zombie Finley: "If the game had started at 3 o'clock I probably wouldn't have played. [Celtics trainer Ed Lacerte] worked on me before the game, I went and shot around and it was better so I was able to play." And eat brains...delicious brains...

The Atlanta Hawks: Let me set the stage for you. The Pistons were missing Tayshaun Prince (personal reasons), Richard Hamilton (ankle), Jason Maxiell (back) and Chris Wilcox (hamstring), then lost Rodney Stuckey to a first-half rib injury. Oh, yeah, and Detroit sucks. Conversely, the Hawks fancy themselves contenders, so naturally the Pistons beat them 90-88. It was Detroit's 25th win of the season.

After watching his team get outscored 25-16 in the fourth quarter of a two-point loss to one of the league's worst teams, Atlanta coach Mike Woodson said: "We just self-destructed again down the stretch. That's something we've got to figure out before we start playing playoff basketball."

Yeah. Good luck with that, Mike.

Did I mention the Hawks missed nine free throws? Because that seems worth mentioning.

The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly shot almost 51 percent compared to 41 percent for the Heat, but still lost 99-95 after two dunks by Samuel Dalembert were waived off in the final 34 seconds, including one that would have tied the game with 5.6 seconds left.

Said Sammy: "At first it seemed as if it was inside, but when you look at the replay, it was outside. The referees are not perfect. I think in a crucial point like that they should have gone and watched the replay."

Sorry, Sam. I watched the replay. It was goaltending.

Anyway, the Heat have officially been described as "surging" now. You know what that means...

The Utah Jazz: Hmm. You think the Jazz were worn out from their overtime thriller against the Thunder on Tuesday night? According to the AP recap, the Mormon Musicians didn't arrive in Houston until about 4 a.m. Of course, based on the way they played, it was more like they hadn't shown up at all. Utah went 3-for-15 from downtown (no legs) and committed 26 turnovers, including 14 in the first half (no hands either, I guess).

Deron Williams -- who followed up his career-high 42-point effort against Oklahoma City by starting out 1-for-5 and committing 6 TOs in the first half -- said: "Coach [Jerry Sloan] told us to leave it all on the floor [against the Thunder]. I don't like to make excuses, but it was a tough game for us, a tough turnaround. I tried to get it going. I just never really had that energy."

Chuck Hayes, who not-so-coincidentally grabbed a career-high 18 rebounds, responded: "They probably had tired legs, they had a tough, hard-fought game. But that's the NBA. You're going to have back-to-backs like that."

That's the NBA alright. The Jazz fell behind by as many as 26 in the second half before losing 113-96. And just like that, they go from number two in the West to just number two.

Luis Scola, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We were touching a lot of balls."

The New Jersey Nyets: It didn't really matter the Bucks were without Andrew Bogut or that they were playing the second of back-to-backs after surviving a scrappy game in Chicago the night before. The Nyets just have a way of bringing out the best in their opponents. Milwaukee got a double-double out of the ancient Kurt Thomas (12 points, 10 boards), shot 52 percent as a team and outrebounded New Jersey 45-34. The result: A 108-89 win that was about as easy as the final score makes it look.

The Nyets scored 31 points after halftime on 27 percent shooting. Meanwhile the Bucks have gone 20-6 since trading for John Salmons.

Speaking of Salmons, he earned a tech for yelling at Brook Lopez after Lopez was jawing at Bucks coach Scott Skiles. Said Brook: "I told [Coach Skiles] 'I wasn't talking to you.' Then Salmons told me to shut up and stop talking and I was confused."

I'm confused too, John. Is it really necessary to bully an 11-win team? I mean, really?

Being a member of the Nyets hurts bad enoughwithout the tough talk from John Salmons.
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Even though Carmelo Anthony got "knocked out" near the end of the third quarter (see below) and Denver went more than 11 minutes without hitting a shot at one point, the Thunder couldn't hold off the Nuggets, who outscored Oklahoma City 25-14 in the fourth quarter to overcome a 13-point deficit and win 98-94. Think the Thunder, like the Jazz, were tuckered out from the night before? I mean, they were outrebounded 50-41 (including 15-10 on the offensive glass) and went 1-for-14 from beyond the arc. Oh, and they didn't connect on a field goal over the final nine minutes of the game.

"No excuses, no excuses," said a flat-footed Kevin Durant, who scored 33 but missed his last six shots.

Officiating: Well, at least they admitted getting the Durant call wrong.

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: Regarding getting knocked the hell out: "One of the doctors asked me to say the months backwards. I can't do that on a regular day." The same goes for tying his shoes, folding toilet paper into equal squares, and changing the channel on his TV without a remote control.

By the way, how weird was 'Melo's knockout? In case you haven't watched it, do so now:


Basketbawful reader LotharBot said: "I also recommend watching the video of Carmelo lying on the court motionless while play went on around him. He contends he lost consciousness after colliding with Durant, but apparently everyone in the building thought he was throwing a temper tantrum, so the refs allowed the Thunder to inbound the ball, Denver didn't elect to call a timeout to stop them, and even when the Nugs got the ball back they dribbled into the frontcourt and tried to play around him. It wasn't until the next whistle that anybody thought 'huh... he didn't get up to cherry-pick after the steal. Maybe he's actually hurt.' It was a very, very strange sequence."

The Memphis Grizzlies: After losing at home 113-103 to the Rockets on Tuesday, the Griz traveled to Dallas for a 110-84 bitch slapping. Sometimes it doesn't pay to leave the house in the morning. The Grizzlies -- who were seriously thinking playoffs a few weeks ago -- have dropped six of seven and look like they're ready to go fishin'.

Said Mike Conley: "You can't quit. We have goals like making the playoffs, and we understand that we aren't in it, but we still have to be able to play no matter who we are playing or no matter who is out on the court. We have to play at 100 percent effort and we didn't bring that tonight."

They also didn't bring their hands. Based on the 20 turnovers -- including 12 in the first half that turned into 18 points going the other way -- the Grizzlies were trying to handle the ball with wet pasta noodles dipped in bacon grease. That shouldn't have made me hungry, but it did.

Said Memphis coach Lionel Hollins: "It was unbelievable, the turnovers. We just kept giving them the ball, giving them the ball, and they'd run it down our throat or shoot 3s. Then they were moving the ball really well one stretch, and every time they moved it to an open guy he made a shot. That just broke our will."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Their loss -- a 93-85 home defeat -- was Portland's gain, as the Frail Blazers leap-frogged into the sixth spot in the Western Conference playoff race. Meanwhile, at the other end of the spectrum, the Clips reached loss number 51 of the season. That makes three straight 50-loss seasons...and 11 in the last 17 years. It would have been twelve, but they were only able to lose 41 games in the lockout-shortened 50-game season of 1998-99.

Said The Other L.A. Team's interim head coach / excuse maker Kim Hughes: "We missed a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter that really hurt us." You can't miss a myriad of open shots and layups in the fourth quarter and win. You just can't.

Anyway, the Clippers are who we thought they were. Movin' on...

The San Antonio Spurs: The "Surging" Curse continued last night, as the previously surging Spurs ran into a buzz saw called the Phoenix Suns. And it was a game of role reversal, with the Suns playing aggressive, physical defense and the Spurs either backing down or crying to the officials for a call. It was Bizarro Night in Phoenix.

Speaking of which, the Suns went up by as many as 17 in the fourth quarter before the Spurs rallied to get to within five points. Mysteriously, Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry left Steve Nash -- who had 18 points, 12 assists and a steal -- on the bench for the entire fourth quarter...even though San Antonio was making a comeback. I guess Alvin just really hearts Goran Dragic.

Said Gentry: "If we lose I probably would have gotten fired on the spot. I've got a two-time MVP sitting over there that had a great game. ... I don't think anybody was more happy than Steve the way Goran played. I just think that's what makes us a really good team, just the chemistry and the way everyone pulls for each other."

Nash, for his part, seemed pretty happy with it. Although you have to figure he might have felt otherwise if the Suns had lost. Anyway, Nash said: "Alvin's been ballsy that way lately and it's been great. One, it's important to give those guys confidence and, two, it gives us some rest."

The Spurs -- who fell to 7-9 in the second game of back-to-backs -- were left to rue their lousy first-half foul shooting. At one point in the first half, the Spurs were 4-for-13 from the foul line. They were 7-for-18 by halftime.

Said San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich: "In the first half, we really missed a great opportunity by missing our free throws."

Of course, fatigue might have played a part in the loss. Hence the 19 turnovers and 6-for-25 long-range shooting.

Said Tim Duncan: "There were too many things that we could have taken care of that were simple. Just turning the ball over, missed free throws. We had a bunch of missed assignments defensively. That's a lot of things that we can clean up. It's a disappointing game for us, but such is life. We've got another one in two days."

Manu Ginobili: It was reported yesterday that the Spurs and Manu -- who has really been kicking ass and taking names lately -- have agreed to a three-year extension worth $38.9 million. The he goes out and scores only 10 points on 5-for-14 shooting, including 0-for-5 from three-point range. But I'm sure it's only coincidence.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire's green arm sleeve: I know it's NBA Green Week and all that, but STAT really should have left it at green socks only. My eyes couldn't focus on that arm sleeve for some reason. Was it just me?

Also, John Hollinger says the 2009-10 Phoenix Suns have one of the best offenses in NBA history. Hollinger also notes that Amar''''''e has really been picking it up lately. He notes Nash's achy back and Stoudemire's increased comfort. Why can't John start tracking Contract Year Phenomenon-related stats?

WNBA Draft: Damn it all!!! The WNBA Draft is going to be broadcast live on ESPN2 at 2 p.m. CST...but I'll still be at work. I wonder if I can get streaming video? Because the Washington Mystics are seeking a post player and I won't want to wait to find out if they get one! Of course, Mechelle Voepel says this year's draft class is lacking in star power, so maybe it won't matter if I can't watch it live. In case this is your first day on the Internet, welcome to the Internet! And I was being sarcastic.

Rasheed Wallace: Wow. Bill Simmons dismantled 'Sheed so thoroughly in this article that the FBI has already issued a warrant to search Bill's crawl space in case Wallace ever disappears. Simmons is 100 percent on the money, though.

Lacktion report: Last night's extensive run of lacktion kept chris even busier than usual...

Celtics-Raptors: It's amazing how rarely "celebratory" has applied to any of the C's exploits of late, but tonight was a chance for a brotherhood of water-system experts to emerge yet again, with Marquis Daniels (26 seconds) and Shelden Williams (42 seconds) each earning themselves Marios! For Toronto, Marco Belinelli built up a bank account worth 3.6 trillion (3:36) - the Association's 100th wealthy man this year!

Bullets-Magic: Fabricio Oberto - the Bullets' starting big man!!! - actually helped out thricely from the range in 19:41 (and blasted three boards to boot) but gave up his arsenal three times as well, along with a trio of fouls, to earn himself a 6:4 Voskuhl.

Nyets-Bucks: Chris Quinn had a mighty melee of more than millions come his way tonight: 3.5 trillion (3:31) to be exact.

Warriors-Wolves: Starting center Ronnie Turiaf turned a five-assist night into a Voskuhl in 22:12 by negating a field goal with four giveaways and a foul for a 5:2 ratio. (Losing the rock that much really seems to be appropriate for the night of the Nellieball Record-Breaking Win.)

Nuggets-Thunder: Ty Lawson received a cash settlement of 4.2 trillion (4:13) for Denver.

Jazz-Rockets: Jordan Hill climbed into the ledger for Houston tonight by countering three boards in 10:31 with four bricks, two fouls, and two turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Hilton Armstrong also checked in by putting down a deposit for an overnight stay worth 2.2 trillion (2:11).

Grizzlies-Mavs: Hamed Haddadi had himself a foul in 3:21 for a +1 suck differential that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Frail Blazers-Clippers: Jeff Pendergraph wired himself another wave of cash, in this case 3.2 trillion (3:11) - the fifth successful entrepreneur of a rather currency-flush evening in the Association. Meanwhile, THE Steve Novak is clearly trying to be this season's least productive player overall, spending 13 seconds assembling a Robotic Operating Buddy for a Mario!

Spurs-Suns: Jarron Collins negated a trio of boards in 12:09 as starting center with four fouls and two turnovers for a 6:3 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Earl Clark crunched out a sweet box of Nintendo cereal in just 3 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Don Nelson, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night