Peek-a-boo!
Hey, Utah -- on the bright side, now that your team has lost all of its identity, now would be a perfect time to change names to something that makes more sense for your geographic location!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Is "jamming your opponent's nose into his brain" a legal defensive tactic?

It's soooo cold in Denver now

Do we need to explain to Pau how to hang on the rim?

Lamar Odom is not comfortable with this

Nationally Televised Games:
Thunder at Spurs, ESPN, 7pm: Hey, all right! A good start to the ESPN double-header!

Clippers at Hornets, ESPN, 9:30pm: ...And we follow that up with a Clippers road game? Damn it all. Yeah, Blake Griffin will do Blake Griffin things, but we all know how this one will end up.

All The Other Games:
Rockets at Cadavers, 7pm: So it appears that Gerald Wallace is heading to Portland, even though the Cadavers had been talking to the Bobcraps for several weeks as well about trying to get Wallace. Because yes, Gerald Wallace is the missing piece that would have gotten this Cleveland franchise turned around...

Pistons at Pacers, 7pm: The Pistons actually beat the Pacers in OT a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what happened there, since these teams have been going in opposite directions otherwise for awhile now thanks to the Pacers' dead coach bounce.

Kings at Magic, 7pm: I couldn't help but wonder if a matchup like this right after the All-Star break might result in the Magic coming out lethargic and not really into it, resulting in a surprisingly close game. Then I remembered these are the Purple Paupers we're talking about. It doesn't matter how lethargic the Magic look.

Wizards Generals at 76ers, 7pm: The Sixers need to win this one to split the season series with the Generals, and to keep from being the butt of every joke for weeks if they should let the Generals win a road game to take the season series. That would suck. A lot.

Bulls at Craptors, 7pm: Joakim Noah. Finally healthy. Thank God.

Bucks at Knicks, 7:30pm: So, is this the Bucks' team bus?

Oh, and I almost forgot: Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo Carmelo (deep breath) Caaaaaaaaaaaaarmelo.

Grizzlies at Timberwolves, 8pm: Better way to spend your time instead of watching this game: Five Seconds of Every #1 Song Ever. (Well, as long as "ever" means up until 1992.) I especially appreciated the harsh transition from Rick Dees' Disco Duck to Chicago's If You Leave Me Now.

Jazz at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Apparently Deron Williams first heard about being traded by watching SportsCenter. Do you think anyone planned to tell him he was traded, or did they just plan on catching him at the door when he showed up at the stadium tonight. "Uh, Deron, buddy... we need to talk..."

Hawks at Suns, 9pm: And the Hawks continue to be stuck in that zone of being just good enough to be in the playoffs, but not good enough to actually be good, and not bad enough to get good draft picks... Their offense has looked pretty ugly lately. Not Western Conference in the Null-Star game ugly, but still ugly.

Lakers at Frail Blazers, 10:30pm: Brandon Roy might be back for this game! Enjoy him while you can, Portland fans. I'm afraid of stat-cursing this, but the Blazers could lock down their longest win streak in three years tonight.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets, Utah Jazz

Want a picture that tells you everything you need to know aboutthe Washington Wizards Generals? Well, here you go.
The Washington Wizards Generals: I'm not going to sugarcoat this: The Wizards Generals got their asses kicked so hard that Nike could use their butts as shoe molds. I've seen coffee shop floor mats with fewer footprints on them. Based on what I witnessed last night, this Generals squad could give "roll over and die" lessons to Vince Carter...who was in his standard "I'm great in nearly meaningless regular season games against crap teams" mode (18 points, 8-for-12, 5 boards).

Unlike the Celtics, the Magic apparently take lesser teams pretty seriously. To wit: Washington shot 37 percent (compared to Orlando's 55 percent), got outrebounded 53-25 (including 11-3 on the offensive glass) and was outscored 56-28 in the colored rectangle.

The Magic led by as many as 35 points before settling for a 112-83 win. Now imagine how lopsided the final score would have been if Orlando hadn't missed 14 free throws and given up 29 points of 21 turnovers.

Dwight Howard's foul shooting: The line: 9-for-19. Roughly the same number most guys in my pickup league could hit by accident.

John Wall: As Basketbawful reader LotharBot pointed out, Wall had a Calvin Murphy in his debut with 14 points and 9 assists. Sure, a lot of those points and assists were racked up during garbage time, but it's still a decent debut. Right? I mean, check out this killer crossover:


I'll say this much: The kid's a shooter. And by "shooter" I don't mean that Wall provides consistent, high-percentage, long-range jump shooting. I mean he apparently loves shooting the Eddy Curry loves Twinkies. Wall jacked up 11 of his team's first 24 shot attempts. He it three of 'em. Wall -- who, I should remind you, is Washington's starting point guard -- finished 6-for-19 on a night in which none of his teammates attempted more than nine shots.

The best part? Wall's first NBA points came off a goal tend by Brandon Bass.

But hey, I guess that's what happens when rookies are mentored by Gilbert Arenas. Speaking of which...

Gilbert Arenas: After missing most of the past three seasons due to injury and suspension, Mr. "I signed a contract for only $111 million to help my team" Arenas missed the game with strained blah blah blah in his blah blah blah. Does it really matter what's wrong with Gil this time? His contract was a bigger waste of time and money than Eddy Curry's copy of P90X.

Andray Blatche: Last year's late-season fantasy stud was a fantasy turd in his season debut: 6 points on 2-for-9 shooting to go with 2 boards, 2 dimes, a steal, 2 turnovers and 4 fouls. Man, I sure hope nobody around here has Blatche on their fantasy team...

Jason Williams: William's performance last night is forcing me to seriously consider giving out a "Worst Player of the Night" award in these posts. His line: 8 minutes, zero points, zero rebounds, 1 assist, zero steals, zero blocked shots, 3 turnovers, 1 personal foul, 2 technical fouls, 1 automatic ejection.

Of course, he still had a better plus-minus score (-2) than John Wall (-31).

John Wall, quote machine, Part 1: "It was tough. It's really telling me what I need to work on, but I already know."

John Wall, quote machine, Part 2: "But as a team aspect, we have a lot we need to work on."

Marcin Gortat, mildly broken English quote machine: "Honestly, I'm sick of listening every hour about Miami -- Miami that, how great they are, how big they are, what kind of record they gonna have. I get every day interviews back in Poland, people calling me about Miami, Miami, what you think about Miami? What you think about Big Three? I'm going to say the same thing: they are a great team, they have three superstars, they got a couple good role players on the team. They looking good on the paper, but they got to start winning."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "You guys can decide what's a big game and what's not. If they give me two wins for tomorrow night, then it's a big game. I'm not big on the human-interest stories."

The Utah Jazz: Oh dear God. After receiving the scorched earth treatment in their season-opening 110-88 loss to Nuggets in Denver, the Jazz came home and got donkey-punched 110-94 by the Work-in-Progress Suns.

It's enough to make John Stockton's gonads shrivel up in his short-shorts.

The sad part of this loss is that Utah is HUGE compared to Phoenix. Hence the stat-paddery by Paul Milsap (19 points, 13 rebounds) and Al Jefferson (20 points, 9 boards). But the Jazz pulled down only one more total rebound and their Offensive Rebound Percentage (30.4) was barely better than the Suns' (27.9). Shooting 42 percent from the field and 3-for-13 on threes didn't help either.

Oh, and then there was the transition D, which gave up 20 fast break points.


This team definitely hasn't gelled yet. In fact, they're more of a gritty paste.

Deron Williams: Look, I'm a big Deron Williams fan. I really am. But I can't stop myself from reminding everybody that he proclaimed himself the best point guard in the league last season. And we all remember what that did for Stephon Marbury's career, don't we?

Anyway, Williams was crap in Utah's season opener (3-for-10, 6 assists, 4 turnovers, 4 fouls) and he was crappity crap last night: 13 points on 3-for-12 shooting, 6 assists, 3 turnovers, 5 fouls and a plus-minus score of -16. The only Jazz player with a worse plus-minus was freaking Gordon Hayward (-17).

The obvious lesson: Never proclaim yourself the best [whatever] in the league.

Raja Bell: The Jazz signed Bell to (partially) replace Kyle Korver's shooting. Well, that wasn't happening last night, as Bell missed nine of his 12 shot attempts and went 1-for-5 from downtown.

Steve Nash, captain obvious: "Hakim [Warrick] was great on the glass and hustled. He finished and got to the line. He did a lot of little things that matter. But he also scored, and when he can do that, it makes us a better team."

So when a teammate can score, it makes you a better team? It's like Nash just gave my brain an assist. Thanks, Steve!

Steve Nash, the voice of realism: "We haven't got the chemistry yet and there are no shortcuts. It just takes time. You got to find the understanding and be unselfish and conscious of the other players on the team. But there is no easy formula."

In keeping with the recent overreactions to Nash quotes: STEVE NASH SAYS SUNS HAVE NO CHEMISTRY!!!!

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 1: "Things are not going our way."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 2: "We've got to continue to stay with it. I mean we've got to continue to get better."

Paul Milsap, quote machine, Part 3: "We got punched in the mouth twice in our first two games."

Lacktion report: Chris had an easy but fulfilling night of lacktion reporting:

Bullets-Magic: Hilton Armstrong makes his first reservation in the lacktion ledger by countering one successful charity stripe shot (and two assists) in 11:14 with 5 fouls and two giveaways for a 7:3 Voskuhl. Hamady N'Diaye armed himself with a pair of fouls in 3:40 for his first ever suck differential, a +2 that also counted as a 2:0 Voskuhl!

Labels: Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

"Oof. Something stinks in here... probably all of my turnovers"
Do yourself a favor and take a few minutes to read this interview with Bill Walton done by Trey Kirby over at The Basketball Jones. First off, reading anything to yourself in Bill Walton's voice makes your day 800% better. But beyond that, this is a good interview full of the usual Walton style and some good thoughts into the importance of controlling the paint in the NBA.

Also worth reading? This Deadspin piece. To quote the lede: "This is a story about the new NBA Jam for the Nintendo Wii. It is also a story about the 1990s, the NBA's waning cultural cachet, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, Asian-Jewish relations, Roenick in NHL '94, nostalgia, and God." What more can you want than that? All it's missing is Greg Ostertag.

And a brief moment of analysis. (I'll keep it brief since I suck at analysis.) Marc Stein had an interesting tweet this afternoon: "Was TUE night in BOS bigger deal than we thought for Heat? Research says only three NBA teams in last 20 years won it all after 0-1 start." To be fair, this is a complicated situation. Considering the lack of preparation time the Heat had to get used to a completely new look, I don't think it was reasonable to expect them to come out looking amazing in their very first game. That being said, the kinds of teams that lose on opening night, regardless of talent level and preparation, might be fundamentally lacking something. It might be an obvious missing piece in offense or defense, but it might also be something like a lack of killer instinct. LeBron doesn't have the same desire to go out and just kill his opponent each and every night like some of the greats did. (Jordan would refuse to lose a game like that, for example.) How much of that will carry over into the postseason? I can't foresee it now. But that is something that will stick in the back of my mind.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Steven Tyler may not be experiencing love in elevator, but he is livin' it up while the Celtics are going down

Hey, that pose looks familiar...

Good God! Byron Scott is Spiderman! Well, that explains some things. Or nothing at all. Not sure which yet...

Based on Landry Fields' reaction, I think Demar DeRozan has a taser hidden in his hand

Anyone who want to scare Drew Gooden on Halloween now knows what his biggest fear apparently is: playing defense

Please forgive the Nets if their celebrations seem a little awkward -- they don't have much experience celebrating

Good. Use your aggressive feelings, Cleveland fans. Let the hate flow through you.

Nationally Televised Games:
Wizards at Magic, TNT, 8pm: The Magic have a new arena. On the other hand, the Wizards are missing Gilbert Arenas, one of their main weapons. (Damnit. I just can't help myself. The gun jokes write themselves.) In other news, holy crap John Wall is fun to watch. Trust me on this one.

Suns at Jazz, TNT, 10:30pm: Interesting game. These two teams have some similarities: both are higher-scoring offenses who no longer have their leading scorer from last year, and both teams struggled to put up points in their season openers. Oh, and they also share another similarity: I don't get to watch nearly enough of either of them because they're based out West and their games come on too damn late for me a lot of the time, and there's not enough time in the day to DVR their games and watch later on. Can someone please invent some sort of magic time machine soon plzkthx?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, gratuitous Gilbert Arenas gun joke, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

If you haven't done it already, you probably shouldn't botherbuying a Carmelo Anthony Denver Nuggets jersey.

The Denver Nuggets

The 2009-10 team wasn't the Enver Nuggets of the past, but they ranked a "meh" 16th in the league with a Defensive Rating of 107.5.

For the record, the league average was 107.6.

However, the Nuggets were a pretty strong offensive squad -- 3rd in Offensive Rating at 111.8 points per 100 possessions -- and they led the league in free throws per field goal attempt (.290). Still, this team had problems even before losing George Karl left the team to have cancer treatments. And I'm not just talking about Kenyon Martin's knee injury and cattle brand sexy lips tattoo.

Outside of Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups and Nene, Denver simply wasn't all that talented (relative to contending teams) and the front office had squandered away all their cap space. There weren't many ways for last year's squad to get better. Or this year's squad for that matter.

Still, the Nuggets used their full mid-level exception on Al Harrington over the summer. Which should help, I guess. Oh, and they picked up Anthony Carter and Shelden Williams for the veteran's minimum. Those were decent bargain moves. Unfortunately, Martin is still on the mend and the Birdman is out with a knee injury of his own. Believe it or not, both of those guys were reasonably important.

However, Denver's biggest problem is the money they failed to spend, specifically what they offered Anthony in the form of a three-year contract extension.

As Tourettes Guy would say: The Nuggets are going to be out of the butt and into the f*** if they don't lock 'Melo into an extension. Which probably isn't going to happen. Ever. By all accounts, Anthony wants out of Denver. For all we know, he may be dreaming of teaming up with Amar''''''e Stoudemire and Chris Paul in New York. Whatever the case, Denver will most likely lose him one way or another, which radically increases the probability that he'll be dealt before February's trade deadline (assuming the Nuggets haven't somehow morphed into contenders).

If 'Melo finishes the season in Denver, the Nuggets will probably end up in the mid-to-upper 40s in terms of wins. If he doesn't, they'll finish in the mid-to-upper 40s in terms of losses. A trend that will likely continue unless they flip Anthony for some serious talent...something that rarely ever happens when a superstar is traded.

All of which means Nuggets fans will soon be joining a support group with Cavaliers and Raptors fans. I know it sucks, folks. Just hold hands and cry it out. It'll get better some day. I promise. (But not really.)

The Minnesota Timberwolves

At 15-67, the 2009-10 T-Wolves were the second-worst team in the NBA, barey ahead of the 12-70 Nets. And remember: New Jersey was one of the worst teams in league history.

Minny ranked 29th in Offensive Rating (ahead of only the Nets) and 28th in Defensive Rating (in front of only the Warriors and Raptors). I could quote many other factoids that highlight their woeful inability to play the sport of basketball -- like the fact that they had a worse point differential than the Nets and went freaking 2-27 after the All-Star break -- but let me just sum this up by saying the Timberwolves sucked serious hind end. I doubt anybody on last year's team will get the taste of sour ass out of their mouth for many years to come.

So how did GM David Kahn try to "fix" this mess over the summer? By giving away All Jefferson for nada and waaaaay overpaying for Darko "Manna from Heaven" Milicic ($20 million) and Luke Ridnour ($16 million). Holy crap, man! Why did owner Glen Taylor bother to fire Kevin McHale is he was going to let Kahn flush hundred dollar bills down the toilet one-by-one?!

That said, Kahn wisely hung onto Kevin Love, signed Nikola Pekovic (a talented overseas prospect) and Anthony Tolliver, and acquired Michael Beasley for a couple meaningless second round draft picks (read that: "for nothing"). Unfortunately, a small handful of moves that could be rated as "mildly kinda-sorta okay" won't change much on this moldering cess pool of a team. The reality is, a monkey could log onto ESPN's Trade Machine and immediately poop out a better team than this.

This team might be able to win 20 games or so. That's their ceiling.

Sorry, Minnesota fans.

The Oklahoma City Thunder

This young team is going to be really good for years to come. Which must feel like a groin punch to Seattle basketball fans everywhere. When their Sonics were raped away from them, at least they could take some solace in the fact that the team was terrible. Now? They're a top four team in the Bestern Conference.

Sorry, Seattle fans.

Last season, the Thunder won 50 games behind a solid defense (9th in Defensive Rating) and Kevin Durant's offense. The biggest concern for this team is the fact that they didn't do much of anything during the offseason. Instead of overspending for a free agent, management held onto their cap space, stockpiled draftees and draft picks, and acquired Mo Pete.

Okay, well, that's foward thinking. Or something. But the "tread water" approach rarely works for championship caliber teams, and it's hard to imagine it doing much for the Thunder.

That said, Oklahoma City did sign Durant to a five-year contract extension, and for all we know this kid could blow up again this season. If Durant plays like an MVP on steroids, the Thunder could certainly win another 45-50 games, qualify for the playoffs, and give some team a scare in the first and/or second round.

However, 2010-11 could also be a rude awakening for this team on the rise. I mean, will the Thunder stay as healthy as they did in 2009-10, when four of their five starters played all 82 games and all nine rotation players played at least 73? Will they be able to stand up to all the sky-high expectations now that opposing teams will be gunning for them? Can Kevin Durant really make a Second Leap right after last year's First Great Leap? Aren't we making a lot of assumptions about a team that overachieved and didn't improve at all over the summer?

The Thunder are getting a lot of buzz. But me, I'm wary. Very wary.

The Portland Trail Blazers

Ttttthhhheeee Trrrraaaaaaaiiiiillll Bllllaaaazzzeeeerrssss aaaarrrree aaaaa sllloooooowwww ttteeeeaaaaam.

Seriously.

Last season, Portland ranked dead last in Pace Factor, averaging a feeble 87.7 possessions per 48 minutes. You'd think they were using canes and walkers or something.

You want their offensive formula? The Blazers isolate Brandon Roy, crash the boards, and take care of the basketball. That's what they do. It's actually really similar to what the Atlanta Hawks did with their iso-Joe offense. And I guess it worked well enough: Portland ranked 7th in Offensive Rating at 110.8 points per 100 possessions.

But, honestly, that system isn't going to win many playoff series. Sure enough, the Blazers were eliminated in round one by a well-balanced Phoenix Suns team.

Don't get me wrong, people. I'm not naysaying the Blazers. Just point out some facts, which most people just discard anyway. On the up side, Portland is young, deep and very talented. And don't forget: The Blazers managed to win 50 games last year despite an ongoing series of freaky-freak injuries, which included Joel Przybilla blowing out his knee twice (the second time while taking a shower) and coach Nate McMillan

What's more, the Blazers have $15 million in expiring contracts (assuming they don't pick up team options on Jerryd Bayless, Rudy Fernandez and Nicolas Batum), two first round draft picks and trade bait in Fernandez (who wants off the team and could be considered a difference maker by potential contenders around the trade deadline).

You're telling me this team can't get better? You're telling me that, assuming nobody suffers a major injury, that they couldn't win 50-55 games? Or put up a serious fight in the playoffs? And if Greg Oden stays healthy...

...buh...buh...buhbwahahahahahaha!! I keed, I keed. That's not going to happen.

Sorry, Blazers fans.

The Utah Jazz

During the offseason, Utah took a big hit when they lost Carlos Boozer, who's now busy being injured for the Bulls instead of the Jazz.

Still, they pulled of a major coup by getting Al Jefferson for next to nothing. Big Al can almost certainly cover most of what Boozer gave them: Namely, 20 points, 10 rebounds, and a porous defense that consists of either reaching matador-style or simply hacking first and asking questions later.

This highlights Utah's biggest problem: Interior defense. Asking Boozer and Mehmet Okur to protect the painted area is like handing Lindsay Lohan a bottle of Jack and a bag of drugs and asking her to keep them safe. It ain't gonna happen. And it didn't. Therefore, the Jazz had to rely on a slap-happy defense that ranked second in personal fouls (1,859) and a league-worst in opponents free throws per field goal attempt (.269).

Of course, they ranked 5th in defensive rebound percentage and 6th in opponents turnover rate. And they did rank 10th in Defensive Rating. so it wasn't all doom and gloom on the defensive end. If the Jazz can stop hacking, they could be a top five defensive squad.

And there's not much wrong with them offensively. They were tops in percentage of assisted field goals (67.8) 4th in effective field goal percentage (.524), 4th in Free Throws Per Field Goal Attempt (.252) and the 5th-best team in terms of turnover percentage (.142). That's a Jerry Sloan offense for you. It helps that Deron Williams is freaking awesome, and maybe the best or second-best point guard in the league.

On the downside, Okur is still recovering from a torn Achilles and Kyle Korver is playing for the Bulls, so Utah will begin the season minus their two best long-range shooters. That could hurt the offense. Plus, Al Jefferson -- who is still learning the system -- hurt his hand against the Lakers the other night. The team has little depth and less interior defense.

Still, this is the Jazz we're talking about. Sloan will get them to execute like crazy and play hard almost every night. They'll win 45-50 games and make the playoffs, where they'll probably make a first or second round exit. Unless they make some sort of deal to shore up their bench and/or add some beef up front, they won't be able to handle big teams like L.A. and Portland.

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Minnesota Timberwolves, NBA season preview, Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz

The Hawks set a new NBA playoff record for getting blown out in a sweep...not to mention an unofficial record for most sad bench photos.
The Atlanta Hawks: Look, I hate to say I told you so -- oh, who am I kidding...I love saying I told you so! -- but the Atlanta-Orlando series proved beyond a shadow of a doubt what I've been saying since the preseason. Specifically, that the Hawks were, at best, a second tier team.

There's no particular shame in that. And, frankly, it should have been obvious looking at the roster. Their captain and best player is a volume shooter who relies on a steady diet of isolation plays...and that's what their offense is based on. Well, that and running, when they can. That never quite happened against the Magic. In the "Broom Game," Atlanta managed only 6 fast break points.

And as for their All-Star/All-NBA team leader, Joe Johnson, he saved his worst for last. Joe averaged 13.4 points a game on 32 percent shooting over his last seven playoff games. Facing almost certain elimination, Johnson went out and scored only 14 points on 5-for-15 shooting. He also bricked a couple free throws and went 1-for-6 from downtown. In fact, his last shot attempt -- maybe his last ever as a member of the Hawks -- was an air ball from 25 feet out as the shot clock was about to expire.

Not what you'd call a storybook ending. It was more like one of those M.Night Shyamalan movies with the twist ending that leaves you feeling confused, disappointed and full of self-hate.

If Johnson does flee Atlanta this summer, the fans might not be all that upset about it (well, until the team falls into complete ruin next season, anyway). As the AP recap put it: "[Johnson] was booed by the home crowd at the start of the game and got the same treatment when he went to the bench with 3:51 to play. The fans were still miffed that he said didn't care if they 'showed up or not' after they heckled the team in a 30-point loss on Saturday."

I know this will shock and astound you, but Joe doesn't give a shit: "It doesn't bother me, man. I've got thick skin. I've been booed louder than that."

As for the Hawks, the were -18% in 3P%, -15% in FGP, -10 in assists, -7 in rebounds and of course -14 in total points. Speaking of margins of defeat, the Hawks conspired to help the Magic set a new playoff record for playoff asskicking: Orlando had the largest margin of victory in any four-game sweep in NBA postseason history (+25.3 PPG).

Reality check: The Magic and Hawks finished second and third in the Eastern Conference...but the Dirty Birds suffered the most bawful four-game pimp slap in league history. Think about that. Let it soak in. Now read this mea culpa from Scoop Jackson (via chris):

Dear Atlanta Hawks,

Thanks.

That's the only word that feels appropriate. That's the only word ESPN will let me use without violating the language code set in place for moments just like this.

Thanks for making me look like an idiot for publicly picking you to win the East.

Yes, I said "publicly" and yes I did that. Back In January, I went out of my way to tell anyone that wanted to listen that I believed the team from the ATL was going to be the last one standing in the NBA East when it was all said and done.

Over Boston, over Cleveland, over the Orlando Magic.

Now I look like the last comic standing...without any jokes.

This is worse than when I was fooled into picking the New Jersey Nets in 2005 to win the whole thing. Now I know how Rod Blagojevich and Steve Bartman must feel everyday.

So Hawks, my squad, thanks for making me look more of a damn fool.

From here on out, I don't need your help. I can do that all by myself.

Thanks for nothing.

Scoop

Couldn't you almost hear the Journey music playing while you were reading that?

Joe Johnson: See above. And for the hell of it, here are 10 reasons Joe Cool isn't a superstar. For my money, there's just one reason, and it's called "This series."

Okay, okay. One more dis for "iso-Joe" from Basketbawful reader and Suns fan Clifton: "Joe Johnson hasn't changed a bit since the Suns refused to give him all that dough he wanted. Just like getting rid of Marion, it's taken a little while for it to bear fruit, but boyyyyyyyy does that ever look like a good move now. People seemed surprised at his bitter comments about the Atlanta fans after Game 3, but we heard pretty much the same song here in PHX that summer when he was lobbying for his new deal. And, sure enough, as the money nears its end, Joe shows his true colors once again."

Josh Smith: If the NBA gave out MVP awards for teams that just got swept, Smith would probably receive one for this series. But...according to the game notes in the AP recap: "Smith, who ranked third in the NBA with 2.14 blocks a game during the regular season, had only two blocks in the entire series against the Magic."

I'm just sayin'.

Mike Bibby: 11 minutes, 4 points, 2 assists. Let me put it this way, if I was out to eat and my steak came out this done, I'd send it back to the kitchen and then leave the restaurant and never come back. Unless it was to burn the place down.

Mike Bibby watches the slow, shuddering death of his career...from the lonely comfort of the Atlanta bench.
Mike Brown: Basketbawful reader Will pretty much said it all: "There's no way on God's green Earth that Mike Woodson can come back next year. Rashard just hit a three to put Orlando up 21 and the camera cuts to him looking like a cigar store Indian. I wasn't sure if he had a pulse. The Hawks need someone who knows about that orange sphere called a basketball."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "If we're better than you, we're going to win most of the time."

Vince Carter, quote machine: "Guys are just focused. It's unbelievable to see. This is my opportunity for a championship."

Don't worry, everybody. I don't think Vag Carter will be joining the "Antoine Walker Memorial Team of Players Who Didn't Deserve to Win a Title But Did Anyway." The Magic are getting a lot of buzz for sweeping through the first two rounds, but let's be honest: They had two very favorable matchups. I think they're going to get a wakeup call in the next round. And even if they do reach the Finals, I can't see their outside game beating the Lakers' inside game.

Another sad bench photo. And you know what that means...
The Utah Jazz: After dismantling the Denver Nuggets in the first round, the Jazz were feeling pretty good about themselves. Deron Williams dubbed himself the best point guard alive and the Mormon Musicians felt they had a very real chance to upset the Lakers. And hey, they could have stolen a game in L.A., and the third was certainly up for grabs. But once the buzzer sounded after that Game 3 loss, you could just tell Utah was finished.

"We just can't beat these guys" might as well have been written on their foreheads in magic marker. Okay, that sentence would probably only fit on Carlos Boozer's giant forehead, but still. I read somewhere that Utah's practice the day before Game 4 felt like a funeral, meaning the Jazz had lost this one before it ever began.

They're called "motions," and the Jazz were going through them.

The Lakers built a 22-point lead in the first half. Utah went on one of those "Hey, let's not totally humiliate ourselves, guys" runs in the third quarter before slowly and rather quietly succumbing to the inevitable 111-96 loss.

The only Jazz starter who finished with a positive plus-minus score was Kyrylo Fesenko (+9). The rest of them were a combined -56. What does that tell you?

Said Williams: "We're a playoff team and they're a championship team. They're just better than we are. ... We all were discouraged. It was kinda deja vu. It's always hard to get down 10, 12 points against this team and try and come back."

Doesn't this kind of remind you of how the Suns used to regard the Spurs? A handful of solid efforts that came up short followed by a depressed and discouraging playoff elimination. Speaking of discouragement, the Jazz seemed became increasingly intimidated by L.A.'s size as the series progressed. By Game 4, all it took was a handful of early blocked shots by the Lakers' bigs to scare Utah out of the paint for what seemed like the rest of the game.

Oh well. Like Lance Armstrong said in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story: "Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life."

Carlos Boozer: This very well might have been Boozer's final game with the Jazz...and it was the kind he'd probably rather forget, no matter how many illegal chemicals and household cleaning agents are required to induce memory loss. Carlos finished with 10 points on 4-for-11 shooting and committed a co-game-high (with Williams) 4 turnovers (the Lakers had six as a team) before fouling out of the game with 3:31 left.

What's worse, his power forward counterpart, Pau Gasol, erupted like a volcano set off by some evil genuis's giant underground drill: 33 points (12-for-18 FGs, 9-for-11 FTs), 14 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocked shots. And that wasn't an aberration. Gasol made Boozer look tiny all series long. Not only that, he was regularly outplayed by his backup over these final four games. In Game 4, Paul Milsap scored a co-team-high 21 points (8-for-14) off the bench. Of course, Milsap also had a game-worst plus-minus score of -29. So maybe that's a bad comparison.

As for the future, Carlos doesn't want to talk about it right now: "I'll figure it out later. It's too soon for all that talk. Right now we're disappointed that we lost and our season is over. All the free agent talk, we'll talk about it in July."

Deron William: From Basketbawful reader phelan: "So Lakers advance with a sweet of the Mormom Musicians. Granted, it's the Lakers and everybody knew LA was going to go on, but still, D-Will needs to get into the WotN somehow just for dooming...no, STARBURYING his team when he said he's the best point guard in the league. It's like a stat curse...without needing any stats!"

Indeed, Deron followed in Stephon Marbury's footsteps from Starbury's last trip to the playoffs as a starting point guard: A four-game sweep...although Marbury was broomed by the New Jersey Nyets, which is a little worse. It was after this head-to-head postseason loss to Kidd that Marbury proclaimed his best-point-guard-in-the-NBA-ness.

Following in Starbury's footsteps is never, evera good thing, as this facepalm proves.
Getty Images: I can say with complete sincerity that my life would have been much more complete without ever seeing a picture of Adam Morrison in his underwear. Thanks for the nightmare fuel, Getty Images. Next time, please send a rusty utensil capable of ripping my eyes from their respective sockets.


Things we dismiss as "coincidence": From Basketbawful reader Mike T:

I have always maintained that the J.A. in J.A. Adande stands for "Jack Ass." I must have been really bored at work to even read his Lakers propaganda, but I'm glad I did because I came across this:

"Pau Gasol had 17 rebounds. Artest made 4 of 7 3-pointers. It kept the Lakers right in the game and allowed Bryant and Fisher to go all 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' on the Jazz with two killer 3s in the final minute."

He even included a link to the YouTube video of Mola Ram.

I'm amazed that Adande reads Basketbawful (I didn't think he had good taste), but I'm not surprised at all that he stole this from your May 3rd description of Kobe's treatment of Utah.

For the record, here was what I wrote:

As a long-time Jazz fan, I'm not sure how much I have to say about this one. It was like watching a rerun of a television show you hate. Utah fell behind early, the Lakers' bench let them back in, and then Mamba went all Mola Ram on the Jazz.

Like Adande, I provided a YouTube video of Mola Ram ripping out a heart. But I'm sure it's just a crazy random happenstance.

Lacktion report: About the only "good" thing that came out of the Lakers-Jazz game was some lacktion for chris to report on:

Lakers-Jazz: Josh Powell produced a pair of fouls and bricks each in 3:32 for a +4 suck differential that also garnered a 2:0 Voskuhl.

For the Mormon musicians, Kosta Koufos and Othyus Jeffers finished up their concertos with a coda lasting 99 seconds -- Koufos hitting a high note worth 1.65 trillion, and Jeffers bricking once for a +1.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers, Mike Bibby, Orlando Magic, Stephon Marbury, Utah Jazz

The Boston Celtics: If their blowout victory in Game 2 rewrote the script of their series against the Crabs, then their blowout loss in Game 3 re-rewrote it. The Celtics' 124-95 defeat in Boston was their worst home playoff loss ever.

Historic fail.

And this playoff death was swift and merciless. The barf-o-rama effectively ended after 12 minutes, during which LeBron James exploded for a Cleveland franchise postseason record 21 points and the Craboliers outscored the Celtics 36-17.

Seriously, it was a first quarter apocalypse for the Leprechauns. They missed 10 of their first 13 shots, finished the period shooting 27 percent and fell behind by as many as 21 points. By contract, the Crabs shot 67 percent for the quarter. Not a good percentage to give up when your team is built around defense.

At halftime -- with the home team down 22 points -- the crowd booed. You could hardly blame them, but damn. Maybe Mike Bibby was right about these guys.

For the game, Boston let Cleveland shoot nearly 60 percent. Even worse, the Celtics were outrebounded 45-30 and got outscored 50-32 in the paint. They couldn't have looked more helpless if they'd been playing in roller skates on a court full of banana peels.

Said Doc Rivers: "We were awful. We just didn't play with the same intensity they did. They played with a Game 7 mentality."

Added Paul Pierce: "That was embarrassing. That's embarrassing when you lose at home like that, We just let our guard down. ... You've got to know the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to come in here with all the urgency in the world. They took the fight to us early, and we didn't respond to it."

Yeah. And speaking of which...

Paul Pierce: Not only was Pierce the first faulty line of defense against King Crab -- who finished with 38 points on 14-for-22 shooting by the way -- but the Half Truth managed only 11 points on 4-for-15 from the field. Hell, Pierce didn't even hit a shot until midway through the second quarter.

And remember: This is the same guy who said he was the best player in the world after the Celtics won the NBA title in 2008. As always, I'm just sayin'.

The San Antonio Spurs: If you had told me that the key to the Suns winning Game 3 in San Antonio was "releasing the Dragon," I would have assumed you meant a literal Lord of the Rings-style dragon. Then if you'd told me, "No, I mean Goran Dragic," I would quickly chugged down a glass of milk so it could spray out of my nose while I was laughing at you.

Well, the joke would have been on me. And the Spurs.

Dragic one-upped Lebron's 21-point first quarter against the Celtics by going super nova on the Spurs in the fourth quarter of Game 3. Dragic scored 23 of the Suns' 39 fourth quarter points, going 9-for-11 from the field and 4-for-4 from downtown. On one of those threes, he was fouled by George Hill but went up awkwardly and hit it anyway.


Dragic was truly unstoppable...and I'm not even remotely kidding. But don’t take my word for it:


Said Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry: "He's my secret weapon. I don't know where he came from, either."

Mind you, going into that final quarter, Dragic had scored a total of 7 points on 3-for-14 shooting in the other 11 quarters of this series.

Said Manu Ginobili: Everything we tried, it was a bucket and it was demoralizing."

Added Tim Duncan: "Definitely an opportunity wasted."

No kidding. The Spurs went up by as many as 18 points in the second quarter -- the Suns' biggest deficit of the 2010 playoffs -- but couldn't close. Their free throw shooting didn't help. They missed 12 for the game, including five straight in the second quarter (four in a row by Tony Parker and one by Duncan). In fact, Timmy went 5-for-12. Duncan -- The Big Fundamental -- is shooting only 47 percent from the stripe in the playoffs.

I mean, San Antonio got blown out in the fourth quarter (39-24) while Steve Nash, Amar'''''e Stoudemire and Jason Richardson were sipping Gatorade on the sidelines.

Wow.

Even more Dragic from Basketbawful reader Steve:

Although I'm hesitant to join the crowd of OMG DRAGIC love (he deserves it but still), I want to point out that his performance wasn't just amazing for the positive stats. He also had zero turnovers, zero fouls, and zero bad shots. The only thing he did wrong was (inexplicably) miss two freethrows. Let's say 'Bawful has made me pay more attention to those.

In addition to the ridiculous positive stats (and dearth of negative ones), he played Tony Parker as well as you possibly can. Parker's makes were few, and difficult: He made three highly-contested layups versus Dragic (10:05, 8:50, 3:28).

On the other hand, Goran blocked a Tony Parker layup by jumping a foot above TP (29.9 left in the 3rd).

Or there's this sequence (11:44-11:29, 4th) for which the stat sheet read 2 rebounds:

- Stopped a fast break (on a TO from Manu's steal from Barbosa) led by Tony Parker with Frye (11:39 4th) by disrupting the play and getting a good hand in Parker's face to get a miss right at the basket - AND got the rebound

- Turned that into a fast break of his own and would've had an amazing assist on a pass from the half-court line to the wing if Barbosa hadn't laid it up too hard

- But even then, he anticipated Barbosa's miss and got position versus McDyess (I think), Parker and Bonner for the rebound. Parker was so frustrated he reached in and Dragic drew the foul.

He also had several plays that didn't show in the box score at all:

- Coordinated a sweet switch with Frye against Parker who, sandwiched between the two, threw up an awful shot (6:00)

- Pressured the ball out of Ginobili's hands (5:29) with Hill

- Responsible for an offensive rebound (tipping it to Barbosa) (5:12)

- At 3:58, Hill got caught behind a screen, and Dragic was the only Sun between Manu Ginobili and the basket. Manu also had Parker coming down the baseline: This was two on one. Two of the deadliest driving players in the NBA versus the 2nd-year 24-year-old Goran Dragic. Dragic closed on Manu to force him to pass, and anticipating it, tipped the pass away and out of bounds, preventing an almost certain layup.

The mind reels.

Jared Dudley came in and changed Game 2 with his energy and determination without scoring a ton. Dragic one-upped him by not just putting up a freaking INSANE stat sheet (1 point every 39 seconds, 3 Reb, 2 Ast 1 Stl, 1 Blk) but bringing that energy and more to the other end.

THAT is what made it incredible. That's why the Suns won by 14 and not 3 or 6.

And now, the perfect sad Spurs bench photo -- complete with Duncan headpalm! -- courtesey of Basketbawful reader Clifton:


Clifton also points out:

Btw... I think THE biggest reason the Suns are doing so well is because of their team chemistry. Obviously, the individual talents that have been assembled mesh well, but these guys just gelled this year.

Case in point... according to Jason Richardson's Twitter, after practice today, nearly the whole squad went out together to watch Iron Man 2: Richardson, Dudley, Nash, Amundson, Barbosa, Frye, Dragić, Robin Lopez, Earl Clark, and Taylor Griffin. You just get the feeling that these guys are actually good friends, and that extends on to the court.

Agreed. And honestly, it all started when Steve Nash signed that extension last summer. Best money the Suns ever spent.

Oh, okay! One final graphic from stephanie g.:


Tony Parker: 10 points, 5-for-17 from the field, and 0-for-4 from the line. And, as I pointed out, those four straight bricks from the line happened during the second quarter when the Spurs could have totally blown the game open.

Friday lacktion report: Much like me, chris saves some of his best lacktion for Friday.

Suns-Spurs: Jarron Collins continues to celebrate his status as a Starter In Name Only with a three-foul performance in 9:03 that earned both a +3 suck differential AND a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Louis Amundson scored some smackeroos successfully with a 2.95 trillion (2:58) for Alvin Gentry.

Meanwhile, for San Antonio, Keith Bogans bought New Super Mario for the Wii and made it through the first level in just seven seconds or less - appropriate for a game against Los Sols!

The Atlanta Hawks: Damn...maybe it would have been better if they'd just gone ahead and lost to the Bucks in the first round. I mean, this is just embarrassing.

After beating the Hawks 105-75 in Atlanta in Game 3, the Magic have the second-highest scoring differential through the first three games of an NBA playoff series (+29.0 PPG). And they're barely behind the pace set by the Lakers against the Spurs in 1986 (+31.7 PPG).

It's a good thing for Atlanta that Orlando missed 11 free throws.

And it gets worse: This beating was the worst home playoff loss in franchise history. WTF? Weren't the Hawks 34-7 at home during the season?!

All 10 Orlando players who checked into the game scored. Meanwhile, the Hawks shot 34 percent and managed only 8 fast break points (despite being "built to run"). They also finished -17 on the boards and -12 in assists. Hell, pick a stat and it probably pooped all over the Hawks in this one.

Said Al Horford: "It's just not there. The guys know what we have to do. It's just frustrating when the effort isn't there."

Added Joe Johnson: "A tough, ugly loss. Embarrassing."

Yeah. And speaking of which...

Joe Johnson: When your best player gives you only 8 points on 3-for-15 shooting, chances are your team just got its ass kicked. Johnson -- who will probably be seeking a max contact during this summer's free agent bonanza -- has been stinking up the 2010 playoffs. In his last six playoff games, Joe's shooting 31 percent and averaging only 13.3 PPG. Against the Magic, he's shooting 29 percent and scoring 12.3 PPG.

Said Johnson: "Guys look to me for guidance. When I'm playing like that, it's almost impossible for us to win."

Pretty much, yeah.

Joe made a bawful situation bawfuler when he responded to the fact that the crowd was (rightly) booing him during the game: "That doesn't bother me. I could care less if they showed up or not."

Way to be a team leader, Joe.

The Utah Jazz: Well, they fought the good fight, but the end result was the same as if they’d just rolled over and died: an 0-3 series deficit.

It’s hard to grumble too much about this one, considering it was the only truly exciting game of the weekend (although it was awesome to watch the Suns sweep the Spurs). However, the Jazz failed to get the correct amount of hand in the faces of L.A.’s three-point shooters (13-for-29). That pretty much spelled doom for the Mormon Musicians.

Utah also hurt themselves with missed free throws. With 4:09 left in the fourth and the Jazz leading 98-96, Carlos Boozer bricked two straight. Then, with only 1:06 remaining and Utah ahead 105-103, Wesley Matthews hit only one of two. Critical misses in a 1-point loss.

Ron Artest: He actually played great and even connected on four out of his seven three-point attempts. But this is a retroactive WotN for busting on Phil Jackson via Twitter:

Ron Artest has made a point to make his inaugural season in Los Angeles as controversy-free as possible, stonewalling reporters time and time again when asked about his individual effort and turning the conversations to focus on the Lakers as a team.

Artest's Twitter feed, @RONARTESTCOM, is a different story.

Late Thursday night, Artest's account posted a string of tweets expressing frustration with Lakers coach Phil Jackson.

The first unedited tweet, posted at about 9 p.m. PT, read: "Finally Phil Jackson didn't mention me in media before talking me Now I can build on game 2. Hopefully he talks to me before the media."

The next unedited tweet, posted approximately an hour later, read: "Ever since phil mention things about me in media before coming to me first I was weird . So every pray he can somehow close his yapper."

At Friday's practice, Artest would neither confirm nor deny that the tweets were his, even though his brother, Daniel, wrote on his own Twitter account, "Whoever hacked [Artest's] twit page is foul," hours later.

"I'm never upset at my coach," Artest said Friday. Artest would also not verify his brother's claim that the account was hacked, either, saying, "You got to call him."

When a reporter began to paraphrase the tweets and asked him why he would have tweeted what he did if he wasn't upset, Artest said: "No, no, you have to read it exactly. That's exactly what I said? If you can't get it exact, then I can't answer it."

When Artest was further questioned about it, he avoided the question.

"I'm here to talk about basketball, basketball, all basketball," Artest said. "Twitter is for my fans, not for [media]."

Fortunately for Artest and the Lakers, P-Jax is used to dealing with this kind of thing and managed to smooth things over. This is the kind of crap that could have doomed a team like, say, the Nuggets.

Basketbawful reader Geert submitted a nice "response" quote from Jackson: "Ron is a person I think you have to have a more direct influence as far as the subtleties of irony that sometimes I get involved in might pass him by."

Wait...what?

Saturday lacktion report: You know the drill.

Magic-Hawks: Randolph Morris pawed at pure gold in a 2.2 trillion (2:12) payday, while Maurice Evans had an exactly-nine-minute stint of suck: three bricks (one from Peachtree Street), one giveaway, and one foul for a +6 suck differential!!!!

Lakers-Jazz: Josh Powell provided Jerry Buss some poker chips - 1.4 trillion (1:24) to be exact.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: After the way they won Game 3, the Crabs had the Celtics on the ropes...and then Rajon Rondo happened. He just happened. There's no other way to put it. That little dude BLEW UP for 29 points, 18 rebounds and 13 assists in Game 4. Those numbers are as stunning as what Goran Dragic did against the Spurs in Game 3 of the PHX-SA series. I mean...18 rebounds?! That's insane. He's the smallest guy on the floor!

Oh, and LeBron wasn't gonna block this shot...


I bet LeBron wanted to kick something again. Yes, again.


By the way, the same Boston fans who were booing their team during Game 3 were chanting "M-V-P!" for Rondo in Game 4. From Baby Face to Heel to Baby Face...you're starting to lose me, Boston fans.


Oh, one more important stat you won't find in any box score: Rondo finished with one shot to Anderson Varejao's nuts. Just like all his passes...right on target.


Some random numbers: The Crabs were -14 in rebounds, -17 in fast break points and -10 in points in the paint.

The San Antonio Spurs: Basketbawful reader Arouet said: "If the Suns win game 4, you must post this video. No exceptions or excuses. Post it."

Done.


I'm not even sure what to say. As a Suns fan, this sweep exorcises so many demons. The Spurs didn't really play poorly in this series. They did all the same things, pulled all the same tricks, made the same adjustments...they just ran into a Suns team that refused to fold. Even after Nash had his eye remodeled by Tim Duncan's elbow.

Said Nash: "I couldn't see anything." No kidding.
Honestly, this sweep was one of the happiest moments in my basketball watching life. It felt almost as good as seeing a team I'm rooting for win a championship. It was redemption. Sure, the Suns might not get past the Lakers, but so the hell what? This felt good.

Said Tony Parker: "Obviously I'm very sad and very mad that we lost, but at the same time I'm happy for Nash and [Amare] Stoudemire. Because every year they played hard against us and it never went their way. This year, it went their way."

Added Duncan: "We thought from our past experience that we could do some things to control the series, but they just outplayed us. All in all, they just outplayed us."

Indeed.

Grant Hill, quote machine: "He looked like Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini. It forced him to focus 'cuz he was shooting out of one eye."

Sunday lacktion report: And now, chris presents a special "sayonara, Spurs" lacktivity update:

Crabs-Celtics: Leon Powe jumped into his namesake overhead block for 49 seconds straight to earn a Mario.

Suns-Spurs: Roger Mason jarred up a brick and foul in 5:24 for a +2 suck differential, while Keith Bogans closed out his postseason by quickly rescuing Princess Peach in just two seconds for his second consecutive SUPER MARIO!

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Utah Jazz

Hmm. One sad bench photo doesn't feel like enough for this epic beating...
Thaaaaat's better!
The Atlanta Hawks: Man...I really wish I would have saved that story where I peed my pants while sitting next to the girl I had a crush on for this game. But, in all honesty, how could I have seen this coming? How could anyone? This was a failure so epic that the term "epic fail" doesn't feel anywhere near strong enough. No human words quite do this one the injustice it deserves. If a normal blowout is a kick to the groin, this would be the equivalent of someone repeatedly kicking said groin until all that was left was a bloody, oozing puddle of genital soup. Chunky brand, of course.

In fact, here's a quick two-minute "highlight reel" from last night's game:


Said Mike Bibby: "It's embarrassing. They embarrassed us."

Added Zaza Pachulia: "They made a run and they never looked back."

Yeah, you could say that, Zaza.

The Magic outscored the Hawks 60-21 over the second and third quarters. They led by as many as 46 points before settling for a 114-71 victory that made me feel dirty, like I'd just watched 48 minutes of German torture porn.

Orlando was +18 on the boards and +22 in points in the paint. The Magic scored 26 points off 16 Atlanta turnovers. Seven of those turnovers were forced during the Hawks' 10-point second quarter. Atlanta's "top performer" was Zaza Pachulia (12 points, 7 rebounds, 5 fouls).

What does that tell you?

According to ESPN Stats & Information, Orlando's 43-point win was their second-largest margin of victory in a playoff game all-time and tied for the second-largest margin of victory in NBA history in Game 1 of a best-of-seven series. It was the Hawks' second-worst loss in their postseason history...the worst being a 58-point beat down by the Lakers in 1956. Of course, that was well before the Hawks moved to Atlanta.

Here's the top five largest margins of victory in Game 1 in NBA postseason history: 47 (Magic over Celtics in 1995), 47 (Lakers over Spurs in 1986), 43 (Magic over Hawks 2010), 43 (Lakers over Mavericks in 1984), and 41 (Bulls over Knicks in 1991).

That's right: This was the third-biggest Game 1 drubbing ever.

If you're an Atlanta fan -- and I'm really freaking sorry if that's the case -- the biggest disappointment isn't the loss itself or even the historic margin of defeat. It's gotta be the fact that the Hawks just gave up. There was a mental downshift during the third quarter where you could tell the Atlanta players had started going through the motions. And although I guess that's human nature -- let's face it, they weren't coming back from 40 points down -- there's something to be said for going down swinging, you know, trying to establish some forward momentum for the next game.

But that's not what these Hawks do. They aren't one of those mentally tough, high basketball IQ squads. Their focus and effort levels vacillate from game to game, which is why they're such a lousy road team, and why a weakened Milwaukee team pushed them to the brink in the first round, and why I have never taken this team very seriously.

Jamal Crawford: Ah, yet another game that reminds us why this is Jamal's first trip to the NBA playoffs. Despite logging the second-most minutes of the game (34), Mr. Sixth Man finished with only 5 points on 1-for-11 shooting. What's more (or, more accurately, less), he finished with twice as many combined fouls and turnovers (6) as rebounds and assists (3). His plus-minus score was a game-worst -35.

Al Horford: Not only did he go 1-for-7 from the field, but Horford eaten alive by Pumaman (21 points, 8-for-10, 12 rebounds, 5 blocks and only 3 fouls).

Joe Johnson: Yeah, I know. I could keep listing Hawks players until I got through their entire roster. This is the last one, I swear. Johnson -- the supposed leader of the Hawks -- went 4-for-11 and finished with a game-worst 5 turnovers. Not only was his offense off, but he killed the team's offense by forcing too many isolations and holding the ball for way too long. Which, sure, is what he always does...but the effect was worse than usual, as his second-worst-of-the-game plus-minus score (-29) attests.

Mike Woodson: Forget the fact that he presided over the wrong side of one of the worst-ever ass kickings in NBA history...that was bad enough. But did you see Woodson's press conference? Mike looked like he was about to fall asleep. What he should have been was pissed. Pissed that his team almost got eliminated by the Andrew Bogut-less Bucks. Pissed that his team quit on themselves and him last night. I would have had more respect for Woodson if he'd gone all Dennis Green on the press corps:


Something like this would have worked too:


Instead, dude acted like he'd just lost a particularly puzzling game of chess: "It was an ugly game for us. I wish I knew what happened." I'm sure your players and fans wish they knew you had a pulse, Mike.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: To be frank, the Magic probably needed a cold slap of reality after this game, and Van Gundy was more than happy to provide it: "I told them that [Wednesday] I will have for them virtually every time in NBA playoff history that a team had a blowout win, came back and lost the next game. You've got to forget what happened."

The Utah Jazz: Here's a dirty little secret women try to keep from men: Size actually does matter. And the poor Jazz...they're just too tiny.

As big as Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum look against most teams, they look like friggin' giants next to pretty much everybody on the Utah roster except Kyrylo Fesenko, and that guy was trash (1-for-7, 3 rebounds and 4 fouls in 17 minutes). Seriously, the way Gasol and Bynum buzz past Fesenko makes it look like Kyrylo just got zapped with a Medusa head, Clash of the Titans-style (or God of War-style). That guy would lose a foot race to Stephen Hawking, even if Hawking was tied to a boat anchor and covered in cement.

Anyway, the Jazz grabbed 19 offensive boards but still got outrebounded 58-40. The Lakers scored 64 of their 111 points in the paint as Gasol and Bynum combined for 39 points (on 14-for-20 shooting), 29 rebounds and 7 blocked shots. Even Lamar Odom (11 points, 4-for-4, 15 rebounds, 3 blocks) had his way inside.

If the Lakers could have held onto the ball -- they committed 20 turnovers for 26 points going the other way -- this might have been a blowout.

Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "Their rebounding tonight was just something we could not handle. I don't like to use the word 'disheartening.' I thought our guys played extremely hard to try and stay in the ballgame."

Oh, they tried, all right.

Carlos Boozer: His 20/12/4 seems pretty good until you realize he went 9-for-21 and got six of his shots swatted, stuffed or otherwise dismissed. Four players (Bynum, Gasol, Mamba and Odom) rejected Carlos, and he had attempts sent back by Odom and Gasol on the same possession. For perspective, the blocks against Boozer represent almost half of L.A.'s 13 shot blocks. The Jazz, by contrast, had exactly 4 blocked shots as a team. And don't even get me started on Boozer's interior defenselessness.

Deron Williams: Apparently, Mr. "I'm The Best Point Guard in the League" Williams is too good to walk to the locker room these days...

Jesus, Deron...really?!
Nice sweater, by the way. Williams didn't look too hot against the Lakers last night: 15 points, 4-for-16, 2-for-6 from downtown, 9 assists, 3 turnovers, 5 fouls. Not horrible...but not exactly best-at-his-position-y either. I think Deron got spoiled by the _enver _efense in the first round.

Ron Artest: Rumor has it Crazy Pills had ball boys searching through all the garbage cans and trash dumpsters around the Staples Center...looking for his jump shot. Despite the fact that he apparently forgot to shoot -- he's 7-for-42 from downtown during the playoffs -- that didn't keep Artest from chucking up seven threes last night. He only made one of 'em, though.

So...what's the deal?

Said Ron-Ron: "I don't know. I feel great. I don't really know. I just have to keep playing basketball."

Vinny Del Negro: Not to dogpile on the poor guy, but an anonymous commenter sent this in and...it's worth a watch:


Lacktion report: It's a sad day for chris and the rest of us here at Basketbawful: Mario West played last night but does not appear in this report. Alas, the lacktion show must go on...

Hawks-Magic: Jason Collins negated one field goal and board in 4:30 with three fouls and a giveaway for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Lakers: Josh Powell must've felt like King Koopa's last moments in his castle tonight: two fouls and one giveaway in just 56 seconds for a Mario and a +3 suck differential that also notched a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Labels: Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks, Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Jamal Crawford, Joe Johnson, NBA playoffs, Ron Artest, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Cheer up, Scott! Things can't possibly get any wor...
...oh. Never mind then.
The Milwaukee Bucks: Not exactly a banner weekend for fearing the Deer, who got smeared twice and cruelly eliminated by the Hawks. With a chance to win the series at home in Game 6, the Bucks shot 32 percent and scored only 69 points in a double-digit loss. The performances of Brandon Jennings (missed his first six shots, finished 4-for-15, 1-for-9 from beyond the arc, only 1 lonely assist) and John Salmons (2-for-13) were particularly crippling. When your top two guys combine for more fouls (8) than field goals (6), it's trouble.

The game was essentially lost in the third quarter, when Milwaukee went 3-for-17 and got outscored 29-11. That included a 19-0 run by Atlanta as the Bucks went on an eight-minute scoring fail fest.

After the game, Kurt Thomas said: "We just realize that we had a bad third quarter. We're still confident as a team. We'll regroup and we'll play better on Sunday."

If by "playing better" Kurt actually meant "We're gonna lose by 21 points instead of only 14," then he's a freaking Nostradamus. In Game 7, the Bucks again shot 32 percent and finished with 74 points...five points "better" than Game 6. So maybe Thomas was right after all. But not really.

I guess Andy Bogut is pretty important after all.

An extra "blech!" goes once again the Jennings and Salmons, who combined for only 26 points on 11-for-36 shooting (2-for-9 on threes). The Bucks have now lost seven of their last eight road playoff games and their 74 points is tied for the sixth fewest points in a Game 7 during the shot-clock era.

Said Carlos Delfino: "We can't think about all the ifs. Yes, we missed his presence in the paint. But glory to the guys who kept fighting. We just tried to be as positive as we possibly could."

Added Brandon Jennings: "I think we were missing one piece, and that was Bogut. I wanted to walk out sad, but I had to keep my head up because we were down a couple players [Michael Redd also sustained a season-ending injury]. We did the best we could. We showed a lot of people that the Milwaukee Bucks can actually hang in this league."

Let next season's unrealistic expectations begin!

Jerry Stackhouse: He wasn't awful...but you knew I was going to include this, right? I'm not sure this is what Francis Scott Key imagined when he wrote the poem that became the song.


Josh Smith: This was a great play, but an ear pose? Really Josh?


The Oklahoma City Thunder: Here are some dirty little OKC facts for you: During the regular season, the Thunder gave up the sixth-most total offensive rebounds (937). They were tied with the Toronto Craptors and Washington Wizards Generals Bullets for sixth in opponents' offensive rebounds per game (11.4), ranking ahead of only the Nuggets, Knicks, Pacers, Suns and Warriors. They kind of covered for this by ranking third in the league in Offensive Rebounding Percentage (.286). So yes, they were giving up offensive boards, but they were also grabbing offensive boards.

That should even things out, right?

In theory, I suppose. But what if your entire season and everything you've been fighting for in the first round of the playofss came down to a simple box out? What then? Here's what:


What a wasted opportunity. The Thunder were +18 in points off free throws, +17 in points off turnovers, +8 in points in the paint and +7 in points in transition. Unfortunately, they shot 36 percent, thanks largely to the misdirected gunning of Kevin Durant (see below) and Russell Westbrook (7-for-20, 1-for-6 from downtown). Of course, those guys did help bring their team back -- thanks to a trey by Durant and then a jumper and three-point play by Westbrook -- but too little, too late.

I should also mention that the Lakers bench outscored their counterparts 30-16. That's right, L.A.'s bench was integral in eliminating the Thunder. Who'da thunk?

Kevin Durant: His series averages look pretty good: 25.0 PPG, 7.7 RPG, 2.3 APG. However, KD shot 35 percent from the field and 28 percent from downtown. To break his percentages down further, he hit only 38 percent of his jumpers and a miserable 20 percent near the basket. Facing elimination, he went 5-for-23 from the field. That's 21 percent shooting accuracy in the most important game of his life to date.

What's more, according to ESPN Stats & Information, Durant Kevin Durant notched one of the worst shooting performances in NBA history in a loss that ended a best-of-seven series (minimum 20 FGAs). The only two players to surpass him were Paul Arizin (18.2 percent in the final game of the 1962 Divisional Finals) and Kenyon Martin (3-for-23 in Game 6 of the 2003 NBA Finals).

Yes, I know he helped rally the Thunder down the stretch. But OKC might not have needed a rally if he hadn't missed 17 of his first 20 shots.

Ron Artest, quote machine: "Everyone expected us to be this greatest team since sliced bread, but we aren't playing like that. It's great for us to get through it and understand that we're not the best thing since sliced bread. We actually have to work."

Phil Jackson, quote machine: "You have to remember these men are out there in their underwear, in their shorts. These aren't like the old days but they are pretty scantily clad, and they are, you know, in front of their fans. If you're at all self-conscious, there you are."

The Denver Nuggets: And so ends the season of the second Team That Could Beat the Lakers (the Mavericks being the other). Man, if you had told me in that the Nuggets would earn 40 free throw attempts and score 32 points off 19 Utah turnovers, I would have said there was no way they could lose.

And yet...they lost.

Denver couldn't do anything about Carlos Boozer (22 points, 10-for-14, 20 rebounds, 5 assists), Wesley Matthew (23 points, 13-for-15 at the line) or the Jazz bench (45 points, 15-for-26). Nor could the Nuggets keep from hacking, leading to an astounding 51 foul shots for the Mormon Musicians -- 39 on personal fouls and four more on technicals.

Said Chauncey Billups: "You have to give the Jazz credit. They stole home court and that proved to be the difference. Sometimes when we play against very, very disciplined teams, we tend to break down. We should have been able to run on them but being in foul trouble so much it stops the running."

Denver also had their share of problems guarding Utah's non-free throws. The Jazz shot better than 52 percent, thanks largely to Boozer and Paul Milsap (7-for-11).

Carmelo Anthony: Facing yet another first round elimination -- his sixth in seven years, including a 2006 opening round loss to the Clippers -- 'Melo finished with only 20 points on 6-for-22 shooting. Even though he snared a game-best 12 rebounds, Anthony was kind of outplayed by Matthews, who outscored him, defended him well, got him into foul trouble and helped goad Denver's coach into a tech.

From the AP recap:

Matthews came up with a huge defensive play when he blocked a shot by Anthony under the basket, then drew Anthony's fifth foul when Billups was short on a 3-pointer with 4:55 left. Billups was called for a technical after the play and Matthews made the free throw, then two more to put Utah up 104-95.

"I wanted that opportunity. You live for moments like that," Matthews said. "Growing up as a kid, you always want to go up against the best. You want to get the stops at the right time."

Matthews added two more from the line with 4:23 left, and Utah's lead was 106-95

Acting coach Adrian Dantley, Graham, Kenyon Martin and Billups all received technicals for Denver.

Dantley received Denver's first after Anthony collided with Matthews and was called for an offensive foul with 4:13 left in the second.

I'm pretty sure the Nuggets assumed the 'Melo-Matthews matchup was going to go in their favor. Like, By a lot. Didn't turn out that way, tho'. Kinda makes you go hmmmmm...

The Boston Celtics: They...you know what? Let's cover this first...

Paul Pierce, poster boy: Wait, wait, wait. Mo Williams can dunk? That's new one to me. And to Paul Pierce, apparently.


Said Williams: "Paul is 6-7, 6-8. I thought he'd block a layup. I was kind of high. I thought I could try. It turned out good. It was a great feeling, I'll tell you that."

Added LeBron: "I knew Mo could dunk. I told Mo a long time ago if he ever dunked in a game it was going to spark us like we haven't been sparked before. Not only did it fire the team, it fired himself up."

It..."fired himself up"? Uh, okay. Anyway, it sure did -- Williams scored 14 points in the quarter -- and it certainly did something for the Crabs as well, because they outscored the Celtics 21-9 over the final five minutes of the quarter and by 19 the rest of the way. Before Mo's jam, Cleveland had been shooting 21-for-28 (43 percent). After that, they went 17-for-30 (57 percent). Meanwhile, Boston had been shooting 27-for-52 (52 percent) but went only 9-for-29 (31 percent) after Williams posterized the Half-Truth.

The Boston Celtics: So where was I? Oh, yeah. The Celtics might have let their best chance at stealing home court advantage from the Craboliers slip away. This is due mostly to their patented second half offensive collapse...which this time meant barely outscoring King Crab 15-13 in the fourth quarter.

Why can't the Celtics close out games? Perhaps AnacondaHL knows the answer:

Query: Do the Celtics keep coming out of halftime leads to blow it in the 3rd/4th because Doc Rivers has to give an obligatory locker room motivational speech, and it just makes them all dumber, and/or hate life?

An anonymous commenter provided the following (possibly more accurate) counterpoint:

More like 3 of their 4 best players are only good for about 20 minutes a game before running out of gas. Though I like your answer better (side note: does anyone else get angry that Doc Rivers and Mike Brown have more Coach of the Year awards than Jerry Sloan?)

To answer that last question: Yes. Yes, it does.

Back to the C's: Giving up 23 points off 16 turnovers didn't help. Nor did their offensive ineptitude down the stretch. Here's what their final minute and a half looked like: Pierce missed a short jumper; offensive rebound by Kendrick Perkins; Pierce missed a wide open three; Perkins turnover; Michael Finley missed a triple. That sequence started with Boston down only 96-93. Ah well.

Boston's bench: 9 measly points? Gak. 'Sheed finished with only 2 points on 1-for-5 shooting, plus he had more fouls (3) than rebounds (2). Worst offseason pickup ever? Maybe not, but he's up there.

The Utah Jazz: As a long-time Jazz fan, I'm not sure how much I have to say about this one. It was like watching a rerun of a television show you hate. Utah fell behind early, the Lakers' bench let them back in, and then Mamba went all Mola Ram on the Jazz:

Because I haven’t for a while.
Said Deron Williams: "It is kind of repetitive. We had a chance to win this game, but we couldn't make the plays down the stretch. Kobe made some unbelievable shots, and that was pretty much it."

Pretty much.

Could this loss have been karma for clinching their first round victory over the Nuggets despite missing 17 free throws? No. The Lakers are just too big. Speaking of which...

Jerry Sloan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Shiv, via TrueHoop: "He's so big and long and that's where he hurt us."

Ron Artest, poster boy: I thought Paul Pierce's posterization looked pretty hapless...until I saw this.


Kobe Bryant, fashionista: stephanie g. sent this link. I kinda wish she hadn't.



Gilbert Arenas: As Basketbawful reader Brian noted in the BAD comments, Agent Zero is still having gun problems.

Belated WotNs: Basketbawful reader Amin couldn't believe I didn't include this in Friday's Suns-Blazers writeup. I can't either.


This was stephanie g.'s favorite picture from the final Spurs-Mavs game. And not it's mine.


Weekend lacktion report: Now chris brings you a weekend worth of lacktivity:

Hawks-Bucks: You knew as soon as "Hawks" came up on your screen, that the ultimate 8-bit plumber would be here lacking it up, right? THE Mario West helped celebrate the Game 7 that Atlanta forced by fouling once in 1 minute for a +1 suck differential.

For Milwaukee, Dan Gadzuric negated a board in 5:45 with two bricks, one foul, and one giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Nuggets-Jazz: As Utah celebrates yet another playoff series victory, Kyrylo Fesenko found himself in the ledger despite one board in 10:24, bricking thricely, losing the rock four times, and fouling three times for a 7:1 Voskuhl!

Sundiata Gaines (at 29 seconds) and Othyus Jeffers (at a mere 19 seconds) really relish their Famicom, as evidenced by a second straight appearance as MARIO BROTHERS!!!

Celtics-Crabs: Marquis Daniels potted a 1.95 trillion (1:57) while Zydrunas Ilgauskas scratched a piece of masonry once and clawed at the C's for a pair of fouls in 5:09 for a +3 suck differential and a 2:0 Voskuhl!

Bucks-Hawks: Maurice Evans celebrated Atlanta's second consecutive second-round appearance by bricking once from Underground Atlanta for a +1 in 6:20.

Jazz-Lakers: Josh Powell piled on the portobellos in just nine seconds for a SUPER MARIO!!!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Milwaukee Bucks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Utah Jazz