I think we're gonna see a lot of sad Spurs benches this season...
The Excremento Kings: The Purple Paupers -- the youngest team in the league in case nobody told you -- managed to hang around because the Bulls couldn't hang onto the ball (18 turnovers for 23 points going the other way) or defend without fouling (the Kings got 34 free throw attempts).

Unfortunately, the Sactowners couldn't knock down their freebies (20-for-34) or protect the painted rectangle. The Bulls scored 33 fast break points and finished with 54 points in the paint. According to Hoopdata, Chicago was 19-for-24 at the rim (79.2 percent) and 8-for-14 from 3-9 feet (57.2 percent).

Can you say "layup drill"?

Said Kings coach Paul Westfail: "We defended them pretty well, but we can't defend breakaway layups. We have guys crashing the boards, where we have no business doing, and we had guys not rotating back and trying to get steals in the backcourt. The Bulls can run, everybody knew that. If you want to win games, don't give them layups. Make them run their offense."

Bonus bawful stat: The Paupers bricked 12 of their first 13 shot attempts.

Carlos Boozer: On a night when the Bulls had a red carpet escort directly to the hoop, Boozington attempted exactly two shots at the rim. Remember: He's an "inside" player. Meanwhile, he was 1-for-5 from 10-15 feet and 3-for-5 from 16-23 feet. I'm just sayin'.

Jimmer Fredette: Oh my God...this kid is a straight up gunner. He somehow finished with a team-high 3 assists, but I think those were times he lost the ball by mistake. At one point, he drove straight into four Bulls defenders...AND HE SHOT THE BALL. I feel sorry for any woman who dates him, 'cause this man only has eyes for the rim. Even Antoine Walker is kind of embarrassed for him.

The San Antonio Spurs: The old guys were gassed last night, which was their third game in a four-day span, and it showed: 37 percent from the field, 2-for-17 from downtown, and a deficit as large as 25 points. Timmy D went 1-for-8 before getting the second half off. Richard Jefferson was 2-for-10. None of the starters logged a single fourth quarter minute.

Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "We were not playing well and I decided not to play them, and I was able to work other guys and get some other looks."

Added Manu Ginobili: "We were below where we want to be. In a season like this, we will have to wait and see if this might happen more often. You have to let it go and think about the next game."

If the Spurs weren't already finished, this lockout-shortened season will do it.

I mean, you wanna talk about not having any legs? They were 24-for-35 at the rim, but they were 4-for-17 from 3-9 feet, 2-for-12 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-12 from 16-23 feet. And 2-for-17 from three, as I already pointed out.

Tim Duncan: From ESPN Stats and Information: "The Spurs were outscored by 28 points with Tim Duncan on the floor on Thursday night. His -28 is the third-worst plus-minus he's had in any regular-season game in his career, surpassed by a pair of -29 games against the Lakers (in the 2003-04 and 2010-11 seasons)."

The New Jersey Nyets: I loved this blurb from the AP recap: "In an effort to get off to better starts, the Nets adjusted their starting lineup by inserting Sundiata Gaines and Mehmet Okur in place of Anthony Morrow and Johan Petro. It didn't help." Nor did th fact that Brook Lopez was out with a broken foot.

Dwight Howard had his way (16 points, 7-for-9, 24 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) and the Nyets couldn't have found the rim with a GPS and an army of blood hounds specifically trained to locate the basket. New Jersey shot 37 percent from the field and 6-for-17 from downtown. They gave up 25 points off 15 turnovers and got outscored 42-26 in the paint. And the Magic ran away with the game despite bricking 12 free throws and shooting only 44 percent themselves.

Deron Williams: Remember a while back when Deron said he was the best point guard in the league? Next thing you know, he was running Jerry Sloan out of Utah, getting traded to the Nyets, and now he's tossing up garbage for field goal attempts. On Tuesday, Williams went 3-for-11 against the Hawks, and last night he shot 2-for-12 against the Magic. He's shooting 28 percent from the field and averaging only 5.7 assists. His PER is 10.50.

Well, he wanted out of Sloan's rigid offensive system. And that's what he got. Congrats, D-Will.

Said Williams: "It is definitely frustrating. I am not playing well right now and the team is not playing too well right now. It is not time to panic. We are going to have a little bit of struggles just because everybody is learning."

Uh, shouldn't you have learned to shoot by now, Deron?

The Dallas Mavericks: All Cuban's Cowboys had to do to avoid falling to 0-3 on the season was play 1.4 seconds of defense. And...


...fail.

The Nuggest and Blazers: Pretty decent game. Both teams made some mistakes. Portland shot well (52 percent) and dominated the boards (50-30), but they gaveup 29 points off 25 turnovers to keep Denver in the game. Meanwhile, the Nuggets racked up 28 fast break points and scored 54 points in the paint while committing only 7 turnovers, but they shot like crap (40 percent) and didn't have many of their three-point prayers answered (4-for-20).

In a battle of good shooting and shitty shooting, the good shooting usually wins.

The New York Bricks: When an "all offense, no defense" team has no offense...bad things happen.

Except for 'Melo (27 points, 8-for-14, 9-for-10 from the line), the other New York players lost control of the section of their brains that control shooting basketballs. As a team, Brick City hit only 31 percent of their field goals, finishing with only 6 fast break points and got outscored 44-26 in the paint.

New York was 0-for-7 from 3-9 feet, 0-for-4 from 10-15 feet, and 3-for-16 from 16-23 feet, and 6-for-22 on threes.

Said Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni: "The Lakers are good, and we're awful. We didn't play well. We can't make shots. We started off really well. I thought the pace was good, the rhythm was good, and then it just went downhill from there."

Added 'Melo: "This game is about acting, and right now we're reacting. We just need to get out there and play ball."

Uh, no, you need to get out there and play defense.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: "I enjoy going against Melo, because I always win."

Carmelo Anthony, quote machine: "Kobe be lying. Kobe ain't hurt. I know him."

Chris's Lacktion Report:

Nyets-Magic: Justin Harper conjured a decent exact (90 seconds) 1.5 trillion payday - his second gathering of riches this season!

Bulls-Purple Paupers: Donte Greene (despite a 100% shooting percentage on one attempt) at 25 seconds and Isaiah Thomas (disregarding an assist) in 24 seconds were the Mario Brothers of the night, while Travis Outlaw bricked once from the Crocker Museum for a +1 suck differential in 8:36!

Nuggets-Blazers: Timofey Mozgov panned an board in 10:46, only to foul thricely and lose the rock once for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Corey Brewer had 32 seconds to hunt for gold coins in a Mario.

Knicks-Lakers: Jerome Jordan aired out a payday of 1.65 trillion (100 seconds) for the Dolan family, while Luke Walton nearly equalled his dad's endorsement money with his second capital gain so far, 2.1 trillion (128 seconds). Fellow Laker Andrew Goudelock fouled once in 100 seconds for a +1.

Labels: Deron Williams, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

The Hawks set a new NBA playoff record for getting blown out in a sweep...not to mention an unofficial record for most sad bench photos.
The Atlanta Hawks: Look, I hate to say I told you so -- oh, who am I kidding...I love saying I told you so! -- but the Atlanta-Orlando series proved beyond a shadow of a doubt what I've been saying since the preseason. Specifically, that the Hawks were, at best, a second tier team.

There's no particular shame in that. And, frankly, it should have been obvious looking at the roster. Their captain and best player is a volume shooter who relies on a steady diet of isolation plays...and that's what their offense is based on. Well, that and running, when they can. That never quite happened against the Magic. In the "Broom Game," Atlanta managed only 6 fast break points.

And as for their All-Star/All-NBA team leader, Joe Johnson, he saved his worst for last. Joe averaged 13.4 points a game on 32 percent shooting over his last seven playoff games. Facing almost certain elimination, Johnson went out and scored only 14 points on 5-for-15 shooting. He also bricked a couple free throws and went 1-for-6 from downtown. In fact, his last shot attempt -- maybe his last ever as a member of the Hawks -- was an air ball from 25 feet out as the shot clock was about to expire.

Not what you'd call a storybook ending. It was more like one of those M.Night Shyamalan movies with the twist ending that leaves you feeling confused, disappointed and full of self-hate.

If Johnson does flee Atlanta this summer, the fans might not be all that upset about it (well, until the team falls into complete ruin next season, anyway). As the AP recap put it: "[Johnson] was booed by the home crowd at the start of the game and got the same treatment when he went to the bench with 3:51 to play. The fans were still miffed that he said didn't care if they 'showed up or not' after they heckled the team in a 30-point loss on Saturday."

I know this will shock and astound you, but Joe doesn't give a shit: "It doesn't bother me, man. I've got thick skin. I've been booed louder than that."

As for the Hawks, the were -18% in 3P%, -15% in FGP, -10 in assists, -7 in rebounds and of course -14 in total points. Speaking of margins of defeat, the Hawks conspired to help the Magic set a new playoff record for playoff asskicking: Orlando had the largest margin of victory in any four-game sweep in NBA postseason history (+25.3 PPG).

Reality check: The Magic and Hawks finished second and third in the Eastern Conference...but the Dirty Birds suffered the most bawful four-game pimp slap in league history. Think about that. Let it soak in. Now read this mea culpa from Scoop Jackson (via chris):

Dear Atlanta Hawks,

Thanks.

That's the only word that feels appropriate. That's the only word ESPN will let me use without violating the language code set in place for moments just like this.

Thanks for making me look like an idiot for publicly picking you to win the East.

Yes, I said "publicly" and yes I did that. Back In January, I went out of my way to tell anyone that wanted to listen that I believed the team from the ATL was going to be the last one standing in the NBA East when it was all said and done.

Over Boston, over Cleveland, over the Orlando Magic.

Now I look like the last comic standing...without any jokes.

This is worse than when I was fooled into picking the New Jersey Nets in 2005 to win the whole thing. Now I know how Rod Blagojevich and Steve Bartman must feel everyday.

So Hawks, my squad, thanks for making me look more of a damn fool.

From here on out, I don't need your help. I can do that all by myself.

Thanks for nothing.

Scoop

Couldn't you almost hear the Journey music playing while you were reading that?

Joe Johnson: See above. And for the hell of it, here are 10 reasons Joe Cool isn't a superstar. For my money, there's just one reason, and it's called "This series."

Okay, okay. One more dis for "iso-Joe" from Basketbawful reader and Suns fan Clifton: "Joe Johnson hasn't changed a bit since the Suns refused to give him all that dough he wanted. Just like getting rid of Marion, it's taken a little while for it to bear fruit, but boyyyyyyyy does that ever look like a good move now. People seemed surprised at his bitter comments about the Atlanta fans after Game 3, but we heard pretty much the same song here in PHX that summer when he was lobbying for his new deal. And, sure enough, as the money nears its end, Joe shows his true colors once again."

Josh Smith: If the NBA gave out MVP awards for teams that just got swept, Smith would probably receive one for this series. But...according to the game notes in the AP recap: "Smith, who ranked third in the NBA with 2.14 blocks a game during the regular season, had only two blocks in the entire series against the Magic."

I'm just sayin'.

Mike Bibby: 11 minutes, 4 points, 2 assists. Let me put it this way, if I was out to eat and my steak came out this done, I'd send it back to the kitchen and then leave the restaurant and never come back. Unless it was to burn the place down.

Mike Bibby watches the slow, shuddering death of his career...from the lonely comfort of the Atlanta bench.
Mike Brown: Basketbawful reader Will pretty much said it all: "There's no way on God's green Earth that Mike Woodson can come back next year. Rashard just hit a three to put Orlando up 21 and the camera cuts to him looking like a cigar store Indian. I wasn't sure if he had a pulse. The Hawks need someone who knows about that orange sphere called a basketball."

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: "If we're better than you, we're going to win most of the time."

Vince Carter, quote machine: "Guys are just focused. It's unbelievable to see. This is my opportunity for a championship."

Don't worry, everybody. I don't think Vag Carter will be joining the "Antoine Walker Memorial Team of Players Who Didn't Deserve to Win a Title But Did Anyway." The Magic are getting a lot of buzz for sweeping through the first two rounds, but let's be honest: They had two very favorable matchups. I think they're going to get a wakeup call in the next round. And even if they do reach the Finals, I can't see their outside game beating the Lakers' inside game.

Another sad bench photo. And you know what that means...
The Utah Jazz: After dismantling the Denver Nuggets in the first round, the Jazz were feeling pretty good about themselves. Deron Williams dubbed himself the best point guard alive and the Mormon Musicians felt they had a very real chance to upset the Lakers. And hey, they could have stolen a game in L.A., and the third was certainly up for grabs. But once the buzzer sounded after that Game 3 loss, you could just tell Utah was finished.

"We just can't beat these guys" might as well have been written on their foreheads in magic marker. Okay, that sentence would probably only fit on Carlos Boozer's giant forehead, but still. I read somewhere that Utah's practice the day before Game 4 felt like a funeral, meaning the Jazz had lost this one before it ever began.

They're called "motions," and the Jazz were going through them.

The Lakers built a 22-point lead in the first half. Utah went on one of those "Hey, let's not totally humiliate ourselves, guys" runs in the third quarter before slowly and rather quietly succumbing to the inevitable 111-96 loss.

The only Jazz starter who finished with a positive plus-minus score was Kyrylo Fesenko (+9). The rest of them were a combined -56. What does that tell you?

Said Williams: "We're a playoff team and they're a championship team. They're just better than we are. ... We all were discouraged. It was kinda deja vu. It's always hard to get down 10, 12 points against this team and try and come back."

Doesn't this kind of remind you of how the Suns used to regard the Spurs? A handful of solid efforts that came up short followed by a depressed and discouraging playoff elimination. Speaking of discouragement, the Jazz seemed became increasingly intimidated by L.A.'s size as the series progressed. By Game 4, all it took was a handful of early blocked shots by the Lakers' bigs to scare Utah out of the paint for what seemed like the rest of the game.

Oh well. Like Lance Armstrong said in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story: "Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life."

Carlos Boozer: This very well might have been Boozer's final game with the Jazz...and it was the kind he'd probably rather forget, no matter how many illegal chemicals and household cleaning agents are required to induce memory loss. Carlos finished with 10 points on 4-for-11 shooting and committed a co-game-high (with Williams) 4 turnovers (the Lakers had six as a team) before fouling out of the game with 3:31 left.

What's worse, his power forward counterpart, Pau Gasol, erupted like a volcano set off by some evil genuis's giant underground drill: 33 points (12-for-18 FGs, 9-for-11 FTs), 14 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocked shots. And that wasn't an aberration. Gasol made Boozer look tiny all series long. Not only that, he was regularly outplayed by his backup over these final four games. In Game 4, Paul Milsap scored a co-team-high 21 points (8-for-14) off the bench. Of course, Milsap also had a game-worst plus-minus score of -29. So maybe that's a bad comparison.

As for the future, Carlos doesn't want to talk about it right now: "I'll figure it out later. It's too soon for all that talk. Right now we're disappointed that we lost and our season is over. All the free agent talk, we'll talk about it in July."

Deron William: From Basketbawful reader phelan: "So Lakers advance with a sweet of the Mormom Musicians. Granted, it's the Lakers and everybody knew LA was going to go on, but still, D-Will needs to get into the WotN somehow just for dooming...no, STARBURYING his team when he said he's the best point guard in the league. It's like a stat curse...without needing any stats!"

Indeed, Deron followed in Stephon Marbury's footsteps from Starbury's last trip to the playoffs as a starting point guard: A four-game sweep...although Marbury was broomed by the New Jersey Nyets, which is a little worse. It was after this head-to-head postseason loss to Kidd that Marbury proclaimed his best-point-guard-in-the-NBA-ness.

Following in Starbury's footsteps is never, evera good thing, as this facepalm proves.
Getty Images: I can say with complete sincerity that my life would have been much more complete without ever seeing a picture of Adam Morrison in his underwear. Thanks for the nightmare fuel, Getty Images. Next time, please send a rusty utensil capable of ripping my eyes from their respective sockets.


Things we dismiss as "coincidence": From Basketbawful reader Mike T:

I have always maintained that the J.A. in J.A. Adande stands for "Jack Ass." I must have been really bored at work to even read his Lakers propaganda, but I'm glad I did because I came across this:

"Pau Gasol had 17 rebounds. Artest made 4 of 7 3-pointers. It kept the Lakers right in the game and allowed Bryant and Fisher to go all 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' on the Jazz with two killer 3s in the final minute."

He even included a link to the YouTube video of Mola Ram.

I'm amazed that Adande reads Basketbawful (I didn't think he had good taste), but I'm not surprised at all that he stole this from your May 3rd description of Kobe's treatment of Utah.

For the record, here was what I wrote:

As a long-time Jazz fan, I'm not sure how much I have to say about this one. It was like watching a rerun of a television show you hate. Utah fell behind early, the Lakers' bench let them back in, and then Mamba went all Mola Ram on the Jazz.

Like Adande, I provided a YouTube video of Mola Ram ripping out a heart. But I'm sure it's just a crazy random happenstance.

Lacktion report: About the only "good" thing that came out of the Lakers-Jazz game was some lacktion for chris to report on:

Lakers-Jazz: Josh Powell produced a pair of fouls and bricks each in 3:32 for a +4 suck differential that also garnered a 2:0 Voskuhl.

For the Mormon musicians, Kosta Koufos and Othyus Jeffers finished up their concertos with a coda lasting 99 seconds -- Koufos hitting a high note worth 1.65 trillion, and Jeffers bricking once for a +1.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers, Mike Bibby, Orlando Magic, Stephon Marbury, Utah Jazz

Hmm. One sad bench photo doesn't feel like enough for this epic beating...
Thaaaaat's better!
The Atlanta Hawks: Man...I really wish I would have saved that story where I peed my pants while sitting next to the girl I had a crush on for this game. But, in all honesty, how could I have seen this coming? How could anyone? This was a failure so epic that the term "epic fail" doesn't feel anywhere near strong enough. No human words quite do this one the injustice it deserves. If a normal blowout is a kick to the groin, this would be the equivalent of someone repeatedly kicking said groin until all that was left was a bloody, oozing puddle of genital soup. Chunky brand, of course.

In fact, here's a quick two-minute "highlight reel" from last night's game:


Said Mike Bibby: "It's embarrassing. They embarrassed us."

Added Zaza Pachulia: "They made a run and they never looked back."

Yeah, you could say that, Zaza.

The Magic outscored the Hawks 60-21 over the second and third quarters. They led by as many as 46 points before settling for a 114-71 victory that made me feel dirty, like I'd just watched 48 minutes of German torture porn.

Orlando was +18 on the boards and +22 in points in the paint. The Magic scored 26 points off 16 Atlanta turnovers. Seven of those turnovers were forced during the Hawks' 10-point second quarter. Atlanta's "top performer" was Zaza Pachulia (12 points, 7 rebounds, 5 fouls).

What does that tell you?

According to ESPN Stats & Information, Orlando's 43-point win was their second-largest margin of victory in a playoff game all-time and tied for the second-largest margin of victory in NBA history in Game 1 of a best-of-seven series. It was the Hawks' second-worst loss in their postseason history...the worst being a 58-point beat down by the Lakers in 1956. Of course, that was well before the Hawks moved to Atlanta.

Here's the top five largest margins of victory in Game 1 in NBA postseason history: 47 (Magic over Celtics in 1995), 47 (Lakers over Spurs in 1986), 43 (Magic over Hawks 2010), 43 (Lakers over Mavericks in 1984), and 41 (Bulls over Knicks in 1991).

That's right: This was the third-biggest Game 1 drubbing ever.

If you're an Atlanta fan -- and I'm really freaking sorry if that's the case -- the biggest disappointment isn't the loss itself or even the historic margin of defeat. It's gotta be the fact that the Hawks just gave up. There was a mental downshift during the third quarter where you could tell the Atlanta players had started going through the motions. And although I guess that's human nature -- let's face it, they weren't coming back from 40 points down -- there's something to be said for going down swinging, you know, trying to establish some forward momentum for the next game.

But that's not what these Hawks do. They aren't one of those mentally tough, high basketball IQ squads. Their focus and effort levels vacillate from game to game, which is why they're such a lousy road team, and why a weakened Milwaukee team pushed them to the brink in the first round, and why I have never taken this team very seriously.

Jamal Crawford: Ah, yet another game that reminds us why this is Jamal's first trip to the NBA playoffs. Despite logging the second-most minutes of the game (34), Mr. Sixth Man finished with only 5 points on 1-for-11 shooting. What's more (or, more accurately, less), he finished with twice as many combined fouls and turnovers (6) as rebounds and assists (3). His plus-minus score was a game-worst -35.

Al Horford: Not only did he go 1-for-7 from the field, but Horford eaten alive by Pumaman (21 points, 8-for-10, 12 rebounds, 5 blocks and only 3 fouls).

Joe Johnson: Yeah, I know. I could keep listing Hawks players until I got through their entire roster. This is the last one, I swear. Johnson -- the supposed leader of the Hawks -- went 4-for-11 and finished with a game-worst 5 turnovers. Not only was his offense off, but he killed the team's offense by forcing too many isolations and holding the ball for way too long. Which, sure, is what he always does...but the effect was worse than usual, as his second-worst-of-the-game plus-minus score (-29) attests.

Mike Woodson: Forget the fact that he presided over the wrong side of one of the worst-ever ass kickings in NBA history...that was bad enough. But did you see Woodson's press conference? Mike looked like he was about to fall asleep. What he should have been was pissed. Pissed that his team almost got eliminated by the Andrew Bogut-less Bucks. Pissed that his team quit on themselves and him last night. I would have had more respect for Woodson if he'd gone all Dennis Green on the press corps:


Something like this would have worked too:


Instead, dude acted like he'd just lost a particularly puzzling game of chess: "It was an ugly game for us. I wish I knew what happened." I'm sure your players and fans wish they knew you had a pulse, Mike.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: To be frank, the Magic probably needed a cold slap of reality after this game, and Van Gundy was more than happy to provide it: "I told them that [Wednesday] I will have for them virtually every time in NBA playoff history that a team had a blowout win, came back and lost the next game. You've got to forget what happened."

The Utah Jazz: Here's a dirty little secret women try to keep from men: Size actually does matter. And the poor Jazz...they're just too tiny.

As big as Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum look against most teams, they look like friggin' giants next to pretty much everybody on the Utah roster except Kyrylo Fesenko, and that guy was trash (1-for-7, 3 rebounds and 4 fouls in 17 minutes). Seriously, the way Gasol and Bynum buzz past Fesenko makes it look like Kyrylo just got zapped with a Medusa head, Clash of the Titans-style (or God of War-style). That guy would lose a foot race to Stephen Hawking, even if Hawking was tied to a boat anchor and covered in cement.

Anyway, the Jazz grabbed 19 offensive boards but still got outrebounded 58-40. The Lakers scored 64 of their 111 points in the paint as Gasol and Bynum combined for 39 points (on 14-for-20 shooting), 29 rebounds and 7 blocked shots. Even Lamar Odom (11 points, 4-for-4, 15 rebounds, 3 blocks) had his way inside.

If the Lakers could have held onto the ball -- they committed 20 turnovers for 26 points going the other way -- this might have been a blowout.

Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "Their rebounding tonight was just something we could not handle. I don't like to use the word 'disheartening.' I thought our guys played extremely hard to try and stay in the ballgame."

Oh, they tried, all right.

Carlos Boozer: His 20/12/4 seems pretty good until you realize he went 9-for-21 and got six of his shots swatted, stuffed or otherwise dismissed. Four players (Bynum, Gasol, Mamba and Odom) rejected Carlos, and he had attempts sent back by Odom and Gasol on the same possession. For perspective, the blocks against Boozer represent almost half of L.A.'s 13 shot blocks. The Jazz, by contrast, had exactly 4 blocked shots as a team. And don't even get me started on Boozer's interior defenselessness.

Deron Williams: Apparently, Mr. "I'm The Best Point Guard in the League" Williams is too good to walk to the locker room these days...

Jesus, Deron...really?!
Nice sweater, by the way. Williams didn't look too hot against the Lakers last night: 15 points, 4-for-16, 2-for-6 from downtown, 9 assists, 3 turnovers, 5 fouls. Not horrible...but not exactly best-at-his-position-y either. I think Deron got spoiled by the _enver _efense in the first round.

Ron Artest: Rumor has it Crazy Pills had ball boys searching through all the garbage cans and trash dumpsters around the Staples Center...looking for his jump shot. Despite the fact that he apparently forgot to shoot -- he's 7-for-42 from downtown during the playoffs -- that didn't keep Artest from chucking up seven threes last night. He only made one of 'em, though.

So...what's the deal?

Said Ron-Ron: "I don't know. I feel great. I don't really know. I just have to keep playing basketball."

Vinny Del Negro: Not to dogpile on the poor guy, but an anonymous commenter sent this in and...it's worth a watch:


Lacktion report: It's a sad day for chris and the rest of us here at Basketbawful: Mario West played last night but does not appear in this report. Alas, the lacktion show must go on...

Hawks-Magic: Jason Collins negated one field goal and board in 4:30 with three fouls and a giveaway for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Lakers: Josh Powell must've felt like King Koopa's last moments in his castle tonight: two fouls and one giveaway in just 56 seconds for a Mario and a +3 suck differential that also notched a 3:0 Voskuhl!

Labels: Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks, Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Jamal Crawford, Joe Johnson, NBA playoffs, Ron Artest, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are often referred to as the second coming of John Stockton and Karl Malone. This, however, is an intellectually irresponsible claim for a couple reasons. The first being that Boozer, unlike Malone, has not yet killed a man with his elbows. (So far as we know.) And while Stockton was brilliant in the field of point guardology, he was rather humorless and robotic. (And I just know somewhere a robot is saying, "Oh, come on. BZZZT! I'm not that boring. ZZZZZT! NOW DIE FLESHBAG!") Deron Williams, though? Pretty funny. For instance, do you think Johnny Short-shorts would have made a commercial like this?


Here's the follow up, with a surprise cameo by Jerry Sloan.


Okay, so he's a little sensitive about how he smells.


Plus he's particular about his personal space.


And it seems that he only clowns on his own terms.

Labels: Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Elbows of Doom, John Stockton, Karl Malone, sense of humor

Golden State Warriors: Wow. Wow. I know the Warriors haven't been mathematically eliminated from the Western Conference playoffs, but it sure feels that way, doesn't it? And that "sort of almost" fact leaves me feeling empty and a little sad.

It's so weird. The Warriors will probably end up seven or eight games better than last year and still not make the playoffs. What went wrong? I mean, besides a ridiculously stacked Western Conference (their record would make them a solid fourth seed in the East). A lot of things, I guess. Chris Mullin gave away Jason Richardson, for starters. The rich and trendy people came in and spoiled what had been an amazing, old-school homecourt advantage. Don Nelson relied to heavily on a seven-man rotation that forced his big guns -- Baron Davis, Monta Ellis, and Stephen Jackson -- to log about 40 minutes a night. And, of course, the team never committed itself to playing defense; they're dead last in PPG allowed (108.4) and they rank 20th in Defensive Efficiency (giving up 106.2 points per 100 possessions).

I was so sure they'd win last night. So sure. Especially when they ran out to that huge lead. But B-Dizzle and Captain Jack...they look tired, man. And they only got more tired as the game went on. Davis played 46 minutes and shot 9-for-25 overall, 1-for-9 from downtown. Jackson put in 42 minutes and was 5-for-17 from the field, 2-for-6 on threes. Overall, the Warriors hit only 6 of their 27 three-point attempts. And as we all know, the three-ball is their bread and butter.

It's Nellie Ball at its best and worst. You live by the three, you die by the three. You depend on your best two or three players to have big games every night, and when they don't, you usually lose. Especially when you only get 7 points, 5 rebounds, and 1 assist out of your bench.

R.I.P. 2007-08 Golden State Warriors. We'll really miss you in late April.

Utah Jazz: No offense to Dirk Nowitzki, because that game-winning three was one seriously clutchtastic basket. But why in the name of Odin was he so wide open? I know the play (if you can call it that) developed in transition and the Jazz were scattered all over the court, but there's no doubt in my mind that a Jerry Sloan-coached team has been specifically (and maybe profanely) instructed on what to do in such an end-of-game situation: Stick the opposing team's bests players. The Jazz didn't do that, and it cost them the game. Jason Terry said it best: "How do you leave the MVP wide open? It's unbelievable." Make that very unbelievable.

The biggest problem was that the Jazz players thought Dallas was going to call a timeout. Only...they didn't have any timeouts left. So, really, Utah should have expected what ended up happening. But they didn't. Ouch. (Thanks to everybody for the e-mails and comments about this one.)

Deron Williams: This may have been lost in all the excitement of that redonkulous banked three-pointer he hit to tie the game with six seconds left, but Williams fell down on the shot to try and draw a foul. And trust me, there was no contact. Said Williams: "I think I was just trying to flop a little bit." A little bit, yeah. That faux fall might not have had anything to do with Utah's inability to get back on transition and prevent Dirk's shot...but then again, it might have. And judging by his postgame comments, it did. "It happened so quick. I fell on the floor after the shot, looked up and the ball was advancing. Kyle (Korver) was back, pretty much by himself. I don't even know what happened, or how they got so open." That sound you just heard was Jerry Sloan grinding his teeth. In fact, his mouth might just have blown up.

Carlos Boozer: Has anybody else noticed that Boozer is in the midst of a mini-slump? Last night, he scored 10 points (4-for-9) and had 5 rebounds while almost fouling out. His previous three games against the Hornets (10 points, 5-for-14, 6 rebounds), Spurs (16 points, 7-for-16, 7 rebounds), and Timberwolves (12 points, 5-for-12, 7 rebounds) were pretty sub-par, too. For April he's averaging 12 points (on 34 percent shooting) and 6 rebounds...quite a dropoff from his season averages of 21.3 PPG (on 54 percent shooting) and 10.5 RPG. Is he secretly resting for the playoffs or something?

Dirk Nowitzki: I like Dirk and, in general, he seems like a pretty classy guy. But he's become a jersey-popper. He did it last night, and he did it last Sunday against the Suns. Dirk: You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys! You must chill! Seriously, dude, jersey-popping is such a douche move. Please stop it.

Los Angeles Clippers: Let me get this straight. Kobe scores only 16 points on 6-for-17 from the field, Derek Fisher shoots 3-for-10, and the Clippers still get blown out by 28 points? They are who we thought they were.

ESPN box scores: This picture was send in by Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes, who is with me in wondering: Who called time out?

Labels: Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Dirk Nowitzki, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Utah Jazz