This picture of Karl Malone kicking Tim Duncan in theface has nothing to do with Livin' Large. I just like it.
There has been a long delay in completing the Livin' Large Epilogue, and the feelings about that seem to be ranging from "disappointed" to "hostile." But here's the deal: I have to undergo semi-emergency eye surgery tomorrow. The doctor says it'll take me about a week to recover.

So here's my ironclad promise. The Livin' Large Epilogue will be published by the end of next week...no matter what. That's the best I can do under the circumstances.

Labels: Karl Malone, Livin' Large, Tim Duncan

Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are often referred to as the second coming of John Stockton and Karl Malone. This, however, is an intellectually irresponsible claim for a couple reasons. The first being that Boozer, unlike Malone, has not yet killed a man with his elbows. (So far as we know.) And while Stockton was brilliant in the field of point guardology, he was rather humorless and robotic. (And I just know somewhere a robot is saying, "Oh, come on. BZZZT! I'm not that boring. ZZZZZT! NOW DIE FLESHBAG!") Deron Williams, though? Pretty funny. For instance, do you think Johnny Short-shorts would have made a commercial like this?


Here's the follow up, with a surprise cameo by Jerry Sloan.


Okay, so he's a little sensitive about how he smells.


Plus he's particular about his personal space.


And it seems that he only clowns on his own terms.

Labels: Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Elbows of Doom, John Stockton, Karl Malone, sense of humor

Since I'm not sure what to think of the fact that Joe Dumars signed Kwame Brown to a (potentially) two-year contract, I'm just going to post these old parodies from The Man Show. Dis here Karl Malone...




Note: I could only find these three videos, but I know there were several more. I would be forever grateful to whoever could find the others. (And by "forever" I mean "until about lunchtime.")

Labels: Jimmy Kimmel, Karl Malone, parodies, The Man Show

It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).

Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.

Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.

E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.

This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.

One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)

Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."


The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp

championship piggyback (cham'-pe-uhn-ship pig'-e-bak) noun. The situation in which one or more players -- usually roleplayers and/or aging veterans -- sign on with or get traded to a "sure bet" championship contender, often for a reduced salary, in the hopes of winning that elusive NBA title before retirement.

Usage example: Almost half of the Celtics' current roster are playing championship piggyback.

Word Trivia: By my count, the Boston Celtics are the current league leaders in championship piggybackers: Eddie House (who was practically out of the league), James Posey (who left the Heat), P.J. Brown (who left his couch), Sam Cassell (who forced the Clippers into a buyout), and Scot Pollard (is he even still playing?) all jumped onto the Celtic Championship Express. (I'm both thankful and kind of disappointed that Reggie Miller didn't do it.) The Spurs, always a highly desireable location for the CPs (who can forget Glenn Robinson celebrating the hell out of the 2005 NBA title?), has two standing examples (Brent Barry and Michael Finley) and two new additions (Damon Stoudemire and Kurt Thomas).

Of course, the most classic contemporary example of championship piggybacking was when Gary Payton and Karl Malone took huge paycuts -- GP accepted the mid-level exception and The Mailman took the veteran's minimum -- to sign with the Lakers back in 2003-04. Of course, we all know how that turned out. The irony is that Malone obviously wanted a "sure thing" but turned down an offer from the Spurs, who were the reigning champs, because he wanted to be the X Factor that pushed L.A. back over the top. Unfortunately for Malone, L.A.'s medical staff misdiagnosed his knee injury, telling him that a torn medial collateral ligament was nothing more than a sprain, which caused further injury and transformed the former NBA ironman into a shuffling, slow-footed shell of his former self. If you ever wonder why the Pistons mandhandled the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals, that's a big reason why.

The second most famous recent example has to be the 2005-06 Miami Heat, a team chock-full of late 90s and early 2000s All-Stars like Alonzo Mourning, Antoine Walker, Gary Payton, and Jason Williams. Yes, that abomination won the NBA title and despoiled 2000 years of human history with the words "Antoine Walker, World Champion," but this year's 13-win squad is living, breathing, sucking proof that karma is indeed a real thing. It also shows what can happen when a team mortgages its future for The Now.

The Chicago Bulls were a favored CP destination back in the 1990s, with guys like Dennis Rodman, Joe Klein, Luc Longley, Ron Harper, Steve Kerr, and even Robert Parish -- okay, that one hurt me physically -- signing on to play caddy for Michael Jordan. The Celtics and Lakers of the 80s got their fair share of piggybacking: Boston picked up guys like Bill Walton, Jerry Sichting, and Scott Wedman, and L.A. rented the services of Bob McAdoo, Mychal Thompson, and Orlando Woolridge, among others.

Oh, and let's not forget that Clyde Drexler did it with the Houston Rockets in 1994-95 -- and got a ring for his troubles -- which led both Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen to jump on the Houston rocketship in 1997-98 and 1998-99 respectively. Too bad The Dream, Sir Charles and Pip were old and used up by then. Sorry. I mean "past their prime."

Upate: Reader Jaiwanjin called me out on the following somewhat unforgivable omission: "You absolutely can't leave Mitch Richmond and the 2002 Lakers off this list. The lone bright spot for Sacramento fans seeing L.A. beat their beloved team was seeing their long time martyr dance with glee at getting his ring. They even let him play a few minutes in one of the games against New Jersey." Thanks, Jaiwanjin. You're absolutely right. My bad.

Synonyms: I created the term "championship piggyback," but I also once referred to players who do it as "championship remoras," so named after those little suckerfish that latch onto sharks, whales and other large fish in order to live off of their scraps. According to Wikipedia: "The relationship between remoras and their hosts is most often taken to be one of commensalism, specifically phoresy. The host they attach to for transport gains nothing from the relationship, but also loses little." Is there any better way to describe Glenn Robinson's stint with the Spurs back in '05, or Scot Pollard's run with the Celtics today? Personally, I don't think so.

Addendum: Here are a few notes in response to some remarks that have been posted in the comments section.

1. Championship piggybackers aren't all losers who can't play. The Rockets don't win a title without Clyde in 1995, and the Bulls don't pull of that second three-peat wtihout Rodman. But the point remains that Drexler worked to get traded to Houston and The Worm wanted to go to Chicago, and in both cases they did it for a shot at winning.

2. Reason number one is why I chose to term it "championship piggyback" instead of "championship remora." The latter term is reserved for the Glenn Robinsons and Mitch Richmonds of the world. However, good players piggyback too. Malone - who's one of my all-time favorite players - did it with the Lakers, and he had a hell of a lot left in the tank...before the Lakers' medical staff failed to properly diagnose the problem with his knee.

3. Piggybacking can happen by trade in addition to free agency. Players and their agents often work behind the scenes to work out a trade to a contender. Happens all the time.

4. Players like Cassell, Rodman, Posey, etc. may already have rings, but that doesn't mean they don't want more. If Cassell didn't care about winning another title, why not just finish out the year as a Clipper and then retire? He wants to go out on top. Posey got a taste of winning with the Heat, concluded those days were over in Miami, and jumped ship to the next best championship option.

Houston was struggling when Clyde got there, but mostly due to injuries. And he believed that, with The Dream in his prime, they could win the big one together...and he was never going to win it in Portland. He's said this.

Pippen's tank wasn't empty in 1998-99, but he had back and leg issues and wasn't the explosive force he had been in the early and mid-90s. He did sign for big $$, but I only said "often at a reduced salary." And there's no question he chose Houston at that time because he thought Pip + Dream + Barkley = Title. No question.

The KG situation was close, but the Celtics had won 24 games the previous season and Pierce and Allen have never been anywhere close to a championship. When Clyde, then later Barkley and Pippen, went to Houston, that team had won a title with Hakeem. Garnett's trade was more of a gamble. But it's a close one.

One last note: Barry and Finley are indeed valuable roleplayers with the Spurs. But, as noted, piggybackers aren't always useless slobs. They sometimes contribute greatly to the cause. However, there's no question that Finley went to the Spurs, and Barry recently returned, because they felt as though it was the best systerm for them and held the greatest chance for winning another title.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Gary Payton, Glenn Robinson, Karl Malone, Los Angeles Lakers, Word of the Day

Charles Barkley learned an important lesson over All-Star Weekend: Stop making fun of the suit Karl Malone wore to the 1985 NBA Draft. Or else.


This little episode ranked somewhere between Dwight Howard's Superman Dunk and Reggie Miller's use of the word "titty" in my list of Favorite Moments from the 2008 All-Star Weekend. The lesson we can take from all this is: When Karl Malone demands an apology, you apologize, no questions asked. In fact, it's probably best to never say anything that would ever offend him.

Labels: All-Star Game, Apology, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, TNT

man region (man re'-juhn) noun. The male genital area, consisting of a penis, scrotum, and (in most cases) two testicles.

Usage example: Nothing hurts quite like getting hit in the man region.

Word History: Beefy McManstick. Fandangled Mandangler. Longrod Von Hugenstein. Rodzilla. The Schlongmaster 2000. Zamboni Baloney. So many ways to refer to a man's Love Truncheon, so few of which can be used on national television. Broadcasters usually just say something insufferably lame like "he had the wind knocked out of him" or "he's shaken up." But now, thanks to the legendary Reggie Miller, we have a real option.

On January 31, 2008 -- also known as "last Thursday" -- Miller coined the phrase during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." Go ahead and listen to the exchange. It will make your dad finally respect you. We promise.


Fan-tastic Extra: Since I love you all -- even the misguided Lakers fans -- here's a picture of Karl Malone postmarking a kick to Robert Horry's man region. The Mailman always delivered!

Another "clutch shot" for Robert Horry.

Labels: balls, Karl Malone, nutshots, Reggie Miller, Robert Horry, Word of the Day

Dozens of people in Stephenville, Texas -- including one Iraq war veteran and a local police officer -- claim that they saw a flying saucer hovering over their sleepy little town around 6 p.m. on January 8. However, a spokeperson for NASA claims that such an event could not possibly have taken place, since January 8 is the beginning of the Klingon New Year, and according to the Intergalactic Peace Treaty of Gleaorgh, no UFO is allowed to enter "Earth space" during that period.

Nonetheless, local pilot Steve Allen insists there really was a flying saucer, although it might have been using some kind of cloaking device: "The ship wasn't really visible and was totally silent, but the lights spanned about a mile long and a half mile wide. The lights went from corner to corner. It was directly above Highway 67 traveling towards Stephenville at a high rate of speed...about 3,000 MPH is what I would estimate."

Allen was unavailble for further comment, as he was abducted by government agents shortly after he gave his original comment. Not because he's crazy enough to believe in little green men from outer space, but because the government likes to dissect every U.S. citizen who can see things that move at speeds of 3,000 MPH in hopes of unlocking the mystery of their amazing eye powers.

Although I suppose it's possible the Martian Apocalypse is upon us, I wouldn't start stocking up on hunting rifles and bottled water just yet. At least, not before you hear what Karl Malone has to say about aliens.

Labels: aliens, Karl Malone, UFOs

Kobe Bryant has officially asked the Lakers to trade him.

Why? As Terrell Owens' former publicity agent might have said, Kobe has 136 million reasons to be a happy little Laker. But he's not. The gist of it is that Kobe believes that the Lakers (specifically Jerry Buss) lied to him about their long-term plans and are now trying to make him (via a Deep Throat-esque "insider") the scapegoat for the team's woes. Moreover, it has become increasingly clear that the organization is either unwilling or incapable of providing him with championship-caliber teammates. Enough, apparently, is enough.

From Kobe's perspective, the whole saga hinges on making people believe that:

1. He had nothing whatsoever to do with breaking up the team -- exiling Shaq, running off Karl Malone, letting Gary Payton walk -- that made it to the 2004 NBA Finals, and

2. The Lakers promised him during the summer of 2004 that they were in "win now" mode and not "rebuild around Kobe" mode.

Sorry, but I'm not buying it. I mean, it's been three years -- three years!! -- since Jerry Buss hit the Reset button on the Lakers mini-dynasty. Kobe had to have some idea before right now that the team was rebuilding. It's not like he went to bed one night with teammates like Shaq, Malone, Payton, Derek Fisher, and Rick Fox...and then suddenly woke up the next day surrounded by stiffs like Smush Parker and Kwame Brown. How can he be acting so shocked? It's been three years, Kobe. Where've you been?

Kobe's a smart guy. You cannot convince me otherwise. He's not coming to this realization out of the clear blue. Phil Jackson wrote a freaking book about how Kobe couldn't coexist with Shaq, and how the Lakers were ready, willing, and able to mortgage the team's future to hold onto the young superstar, even if it meant dumping the old superstar and the legendary coach. And I don't care what Kobe says, he and his people knew what was written in that book practically the minute it was published. He didn't pick it up just yesterday.

I can't help but feel that Kobe's rewriting history because he's finally realized he can't do it alone. For most of the past three years, I think Kobe honestly believed that all he needed was one or two decent players to back him up. Well, he's finally starting to get it -- one superstar does not a champion make -- and he's freaking out. He's like a woman who's just turned 30 and says to herself, "I thought I'd be married by now. I should be having babies by now. I only have a few productive years left before I'm old and ugly and I can't have babies anymore! OH MY GOD!!"

This isn't just me hating on Kobe, either. It simply makes no logical sense that Kobe didn't see what was going on around him. He's acting like he just slipped on a banana peel. If he'd lost his nut during the Lakers' first Shaq-less year, maybe then I would have believe him. Maybe. But now? No way.

Mind you, Lakers management had there grubby little paws in this mess. As a group, they were like a high-stakes poker player who lost his mind and decided to go all in even though all he had was one ace and a bunch of crap cards. They figured any hand that they dealt would be a winner as long as they had Kobe in it, and Kobe seemed to believe the same thing. Because Kobe's like Mike, right?

People don't truly understand what an ideal situation Jordan had in Chicago. The Bulls didn't start winning titles until Jordan was surrounded by the perfect supporting: veteran players who were hungry to win and willing to work within the system (John Paxson, B.J. Armstrong, Bill Cartright, Steve Kerr, Ron Harber, Toni Kukoc, Luc Longley, et al.), legitimate all-stars who took the pressure off him and enhanced his game (Pippen, Grant, Rodman), and a coach who was able to keep everybody relatively happy and supremely motivated (Phil Jackson). But those systems are fragile. Look at what happened when Jordan came back to the Bulls in 1995. Until they added Rodman, they were just another really good team...even with Jordan.

And let's take a closer look at the players that Kobe claims the Lakers supposedly failed to land:

Baron Davis: According to Kobe, the Lakers believe that Davis is "injury prone." Uh, Davis is injury prone. Don't let this year's great playoff run fool you. He's missed 98 games over the last four seasons, including 19 this year. His numbers also had been steadily declining until the Warriors hired Don Nelson, who immediately instituted a run-and-gun offense.

Carlos Boozer: In the summer of 2004, Boozer signed a contract with the Jazz worth almost $70 million dollars. The Lakers didn't have that kind of money to throw at Boozer after signing Kobe. And even if they did...would they really have committed that kind of cash to a guy who, at the time, had career averages of 12 points and 8 rebounds per game? I mean, they could have spent a little more and held onto Shaq. Besides, Boozer seems like a no-brainer now, but don't forget that he missed 80 games in his first two seasons with the Jazz and looked like a bust until he broke out this year.

Ron Artest: You're kidding, right?

All in all, it's a bad situation for everybody involved. Can Kobe really force a trade? Would the Lakers actually do it, knowing they'd never get comparable value? And they can forget about cutting a quick and equitable deal, because the whole world knows Kobe has the Lakers over the barrel. Jerry Buss will have very little negotiating power, and Kobe's no-trade agreement ensures that he has the final say over where he goes.

Let the games begin.

Labels: Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer, Gary Payton, Jerry Buss, Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant, lies, Los Angeles Lakers, Ron Artest, Shaq

At least, he did back in the early 90s when Hardee's was serving fried chicken. Was "The Mailman" ready for some real food? "Yeah...big time!"

Labels: breasts, Hardee's, Karl Malone