Some days you just wake up and hit the jackpot. For me, today was one of those days. And in this case, the "jackpot" arrived in the form of the following e-mail from a reader named Martin.

"I recently completed a trip to China. The Chinese are famous for their use of unauthorized images of Western celebrities on billboards and other ads. I stumbled across this excellent example walking down the streets of Yonkan. It was a small billboard in front of a sex shop. An Angry looking Dwyane Wade will have a hard time to convince me to buy this sex pill. However, an angry Dwyane Wade who's on this pill, which is 'effective for man only,' might do the trick in a prison shower scene."


That look on Wade's face is pure pricelessness. It's the perfect (and somewhat bizarre) mixture of shock, rage and unsurpassed joy. It's like the pill just caused his penis to spontaneously grow ten feet and then explode. (My guess? That's the expression he made when the the Miami's 2007-08 season finally came to an end.)

Bad news for the erectionally-challenged: Based on my own experiments with Chinese penis supplements -- done solely for the sake of scientific curiosity of course - I can tell you that the "time delay" lasts roughly forever. So do yourself and your genitals a favor and buy your fake Viagra from Canada or Mexico like everybody else.

Update! Basketbawful reader DavidD had this to add: "That looks like the NBA Live 06 (?) cover shot of Wade. Or that could be his reaction to Star Jones naked...." Now, personally, I thought it was the latter. Turns out it was actually the former. That is, indeed, Wade's cover shot from the Xbox 360 version of NBA Live 06. And I'm guessing that the makers of the Sueper Sex time delay capsules did not get permission from D-Wade or EA Sports ("It's in the game!").

Labels: celebrity endorsements, Dwyane Wade, sex

It's no secret that pro ballers have trouble keeping their Buster McThundersticks on safety and holstered. Just ask Calvin Murphy (14 children by nine different women), Shawn Kemp (one child fathered for every Twinkie eaten since 1999), and Karl Malone (impregnated a 13-year-old girl while he was a sophomore at Louisiana Tech). Heck, Magic Johnson contracted HIV while his wife Cookie was pregnant with their child (funny how that part got lost in the "Oh my God, Magic has AIDS!" national freakout).

Well, Japanese scientists may have solved the eternal can't-keep-it-in-his-pants problem. Sega -- the throbbing brains who tried to destroy the video game industry with abominations like the Sega Game Gear, Sega CD, Sega Saturn and Sega 32X -- have created a robot "girlfriend" that will make out with its owner on request. And no: I am not making this up. Seriously.

Sega's robo-whore is called the E.M.A., which is a cutsie acronym for Eternal Maiden Actualization. And if "Eternal Maiden Actualization" doesn't make you uncontrollably horny, then you'd better check on your penis. It may be gone.

E.M.A. runs on battery power and uses infrared sensors to sense nearby human heads. But instead of blasting them off with photon torpedos like any other self-respecting robot, she goes into what her designers call "love mode." Basically, this means she puckers up and leans up for a kiss. She even makes a realistic slurping sound when she does it! Awesome.

This is how Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for Sega, described her company's new bionic prostitute: "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive. She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." In addition to tongue-wrestling, the E.M.A.'s other "real girlfriend" features include handing out business cards, singing, dancing and "walking like a lady." (So that's what the kids are calling it these days, eh?) No word yet on whether Sega plans to include a "Nag Mode" or provide blowjob attachments. We can only hope.

One potential problem: The E.M.A. is only 15 inches tall. Which is fine if you're into Microphilia, but it might make things a little uncomfortable when you bring your cyber-slut to Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, having to ask your parents to provide a high chair for your electronic girlfriend...that's just humiliating. (The up side: She doesn't eat and won't encourage your mom to tell embarrassing stories about your youth.)

Here's some video of the E.M.A. in "action."


The E.M.A. will go on sale in September for around $175, which I'm sure you'll agree is an absolute bargain for a concubine who always does what she's told, never talks back and fits in most shoe boxes.

Labels: Calvin Murphy, fake Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, NBA, playahs, robots, sex, Shawn Kemp

The Phil Jackson situation has taught us -- again -- that gay jokes aren't funny unless told by Ellen DeGeneres and emphasized by a personal anecdote from her life (which, of course, means that even when gay is funny, it's really not). So what does the following video clip teach us? Nothing more than the term "dribble penetration" can lead to an awkward but hilarious Freudian slip. On live television.


I'm not the least bit surprised this faux pas happened during a Clippers game. I would, however, like to have a peak at FSN reporter Christine Nubla's porn collection. Sounds like she's into some freaky shit.

Labels: Freudian slips, Los Angeles Clippers, Phil Jackson, sex