It may look like Baron Davis wants to yell at Bennett Salvatore, but actually he is just straining to prevent his beard from launching off his face and strangling Salvatore
It's a good day, and the playoffs are almost here. Let's get to it.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Damn! Fighting for the chance to get knocked out of the first round of the playoffs is hard work!"

Come on Crazy Pills, you've got to step up your game. How can you let Beno Udrih have a better incredulous "that wasn't a foul!" face than you?
Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Pistons at Heat: Thank you NBA-TV for giving us a chance to remember just how bad a job Joe Dumars has done lately.

Mavericks at Frail Blazers: Not the best opportunity for the Mavs to clinch the West's #2 seed...

All The Other Friday Games:
Bricks at Magic: I can't wait for all the Mike D'Antoni facepalm pictures from this game.

Bucks at 76ers: Does anyone else miss when the Sixers were relevant?

Craptors at Hawks: (In honor of the Masters, I've gotta throw in a Tiger Woods joke, bear with me here...) I wonder if the Craptors are calling up the Hawks and leaving the following voicemail: "You gotta throw this game for me. Huge. Quickly."

Wizards Generals Bullets at Celtics: This is a "gimme" game for the C's, right? Right? (crickets)

Pacers at Crabs: Ah, a true test of just how badly the Pacers want to ruin their draft pick possibilities!

Jazz at Hornets: I wonder if Chris Paul actually wanted to come back for the last few weeks of the regular season even though they are going to miss the playoffs. Isn't his recovery being put at risk for no obvious reason?

Lakers at Timberwolves: Our last chance of the year to see the battle of the Triangle offenses. Well, okay, maybe "battle" isn't the best word to describe this. "Public humiliation" might be better. (If the Lakers dominate, the Timberpoops are humiliated. If the game is close to the Lakers lose because they just don't give a shit, that is truly embarrassing)

Bulls at Nyets: Nice gift from the scheduling gods for the Bulls' playoff chances.

Suns at Thunder: Ooh. This might be worth firing up the League Pass Broadband...

Bobcats at Rockets: This, on the other hand, not so much.

Grizzlies at Spurs: Here's a nice test to see if Manu and Company can keep the intensity turned up to 11.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
Spurs at Nuggets: Okay, this could be a good game if the Spurs have any energy left. Granted, they probably won't, but I'm holding out hope!

All The Other Saturday Games:
Nyets at Pacers: The Pacers are playing out of their minds, and the Nyets have no reason to keep trying since they no longer are the worst team in NBA history. 130-98 type of score here maybe?

Hawks at Wizards Generals Bullets: Going back to our other nickname for the Bullets, if Washington actually replaced their players with the guys on the Generals, would anybody notice?

Pistons at Bobcats: Only a few more days until we don't have to see the Pistons again until next season!

76ers at Grizzlies: Remember when the Grizzlies were playoff contenders? Those were strange, scary times.

Celtics at Bucks: Is it playoffs time yet in Boston? Damn. Come on. Just end the suffering.

Mavericks at Kings: Okay, this is a better opportunity for the Mavs.

Warriors at Clippers: Damn it. We just had a Clippers/Kings game. Why does the NBA need to torture us fans with another horrendous California teams game so soon?

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Magic at Crabs: Uh oh! A big Eastern Conference showdown and playoff preview!? (Or both teams just sleepwalk through the game since they have nothing to gain by playing hard and risking injury. Either or.)

Frail Blazers at Lakers: We dearly need flex scheduling of some sort to keep all the end-of-regular-season Lakers games off TV.

Bulls at Craptors: An NBA-TV broadcast! That should tell you how important this game is. (Because getting knocked out in four or at best five games in the first round is for some reason one hundred times better than missing the playoffs by one or two games)

All The Other Sunday Games:
Heat at Bricks: I simply cannot get over this stretch of crap teams the Heat get to play to cap the season. Unreal.

Timberwolves at Hornets: Sigh.

Thunder at Warriors: Well, if Kevin Durant really wants that scoring title, this has to be his best stat-padding opportunity game, right?

Rockets at Suns: I doubt the Suns will be as slow and careless on defense as the Jazz were the other night when they let Chuck Hayes score at will in the paint even though he's like 4'3".

Labels: Baron Davis, Bawful After Dark

Sundiata Gaines sings about his love of man love
Is your life missing something? Do your friends and family not respect you? Do you not have a contract with the LA Clippers worth $12.1 million this year alone? Do you not have a friendship with Cash Warren? Have you ever wondered why? Well, now we know. It's because you aren't Baron Davis, and perhaps more importantly, you don't have Baron Davis's beard.

But I have good news! Now you CAN have Baron Davis's beard to help enrich and improve your life! Just watch this commercial and learn how you too can have B-Dizzle's magic facial hair.


This article is a must-read take on defense: "A new way to look at basket protection." This article includes a great breakdown of opponent shooting percentage at the rim plus the opponent free throw rate to determine which teams do the best job of preventing easy points in the paint and don't allow many free throw opportunities. It makes me look bad for complaining about Dwight Howard's defense, but remember that limited statistics don't always tell the whole story. His high emphasis on ego-ectomy blocks that fly into the stands still don't help his team as much as he thinks, for example. However, it does validate that Golden State is just atrocious at defense. Swish!

In news that certainly is of high importance to any Basketbawful reader, Greg Oden update!! As noted by JE Skeets: " 'Greg Oden slowly jogged on an anti-gravity treadmill ...' is already my favorite line of the day." Also from the article:

"You have to be able to stay loose about everything that's going on with my injury problems," Oden said. "With this happening twice and the amount of time and games I have missed, the No. 1 pick pressure, it's tough. You have to be able to look at yourself and have fun."

Good stuff. You've always gotta listen to the advice of your elders. And hey, he's got a new haircut!

And in a little footbawful crossover, the bastion of news reporting that is TMZ tells us that Ben Roethlisberger is being accused again of sexual assault. Ugh. Some people are saying "He's been accused before, and now it's happening again. Two women can't possibly both be wrong/lying!" I have no opinion yet since we haven't heard anything, so all I can say is...


Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Moments before this picture was taken of Chicago Blackhawks player Patrick Kane, he punched Benny the Bull for shorting him 20 cents

Look out kids! Jerry Sloan will tickle the shit out of you with The Claw

When it comes to getting a hand in the face on defense, We'll give Rudy Gay an "A" for effort for this one

Nationally Televised Friday Games:
Pistons at Crabs: We are all witnesses... to the further demise of Joe Dumars' credibility.

Hornets at Spurs: The last game the Spurs played was Monday... against these very same Hornets. Now the Spurs play 15 games in the next 25 days, including five back-to-backs. Good thing LifeAlert is always there for them just in case.

All The Other Friday Games:
Celtics at 76ers: Whenever I think of Zombie Michael Finley suiting up for the Celtics, I think of Weekend at Bernie's 2. Will they have to constantly play music over the PA system to keep him moving?

Bucks at Bullets: Hey, doesn't it seem like these two teams just played? Oh, that's right. They did.

Bricks at Raptors: You are now entering a defense-free zone. (Wait, the word "zone" implies a kind of defense. Nevermind.)

Lakers at Bobcats: The 'Cats show up for big games, and the Lakers might be tired from a grind-out OT loss. Good game.

Warriors at Hawks: The Warriors have lost 16 of 17 on the road. I wonder if that is somehow related to not only being coached by Don Nelson, but also being composed of benchwarmers filling in for other injured benchwarmers?

Magic at : As noted by AnacondaHL "BBref's Playoffs Probability Report has the Nets winning 10+ games. I don't want to believe." Neither do I.

Kings at Mavericks: The Mavs have to play the night after this as well. Good thing they can get plenty of rest in this game!

Pacers at Nuggets: Back in the day, Indy dominated Denver. But then Indy remembered "hey, we're in Indiana, we should suck so we fit in with the rest of the state," so now they've lost 9 of the last 11 to Denver. (Hey, I live 20 minutes from the Indiana border and go in that state frequently, I know of what I speak.)

Thunder at Clippers: Whenever you need a little pick-me-up after a couple bad games, there's always the Clippers to cheer you right up.

* * *

Nationally Televised Saturday Games:
at Bricks: Oh no. The only thing that could possibly be worse than this is if they made Police Academy 8. Wait, they ARE making Police Academy 8??? I need Michael Winslow to come make sounds for me so I can accurately mime shooting myself in the temple.

All The Other Saturday Games:
Warriors at Bobcats: Another Warriors road game, another Warriors loss.

Hawks at Heat: Okay, so the Heat looked pretty darn good against the Lakers Thursday. However, I'm still not buying into them being a good team.

Mavericks at Bulls: According to that defensive stats analysis article I mentioned earlier, the Bulls are a decent defensive team. Now watch the Mavs crap all over that idea.

Rockets at Timberwolves: I don't really have anything interesting to say about this game, so I'll just link to this awesomeness by the Onion instead. Who wants to spoof Mutombo? (h/t Jonah Keri for retweeting the link)

Spurs at Grizzlies: Did you know Hasheem Thabeet is the 2nd highest paid player on the Grizzlies?

Crabs at Bucks: Watch out, King Crab! The John Salmons Era is in full force! (Sorry, couldn't say it with a straight face.)

* * *

Nationally Televised Sunday Games:
Lakers at Magic: When I first read "Lakers" and "Magic" next to each other, I got all excited and thought about the Showtime Lakers with Magic Johnson dueling with the Celtics. Then I remembered we'll see Kobe versus the Pumaman in this game, and I died a little inside.

Bullets at Celtics: On second thought, perhaps Zombie Michael Finley will be more like the zombie in Zombie Nightmare. Now, we just need to find Adam West and that guy from Thor...

Frail Blazers at Nuggets: Another quality Western Conference game, and it's on national TV. Love it.

All The Other Sunday Games:
76ers at Raptors: Not so much a quality game here...

Rockets at Pistons: The Discount Store era isn't going so well in Houston. I wonder if the Sactown fans still are bitching about trading him? Chris?

Thunder at Kings: Speaking of the Purple Paupers... Well, at least they do have Tyreke the Freak putting up insane numbers. Case in point... the Reke-o-Meter!

Labels: Baron Davis, Bawful After Dark, defense, Greg Oden is old jokes are still funny

Don't expect the smiling to continue if Lionel Hollinskeeps bringing The Not Answer off the bench.
The New Jersey Nyets: Last night, the Nyets (still winless!) had a stretch between the third and fourth quarters during which they went 10 minutes without scoring a single point. During that Festival of Fail, the Nyets went 0-for-11 from the field, committed nine of their 26 turnovers and got outscored by the Bobcats 24-0 in what turned out to be the NBA's longest scoring drought in almost four years. (According to STATS LLC, the last worst drought was when the Bucks went 10:07 without scoring against the Rockets on January. 23, 2006.) Mind you, New Jersey had built a 14-point lead before all that went down. Instead, they ended up losing 79-68. Said Rafer Alston (1-for-8, 3 turnovers): "It was embarrassing." No doubt.

But way, there's more! Yao, er, I mean Yi Jianlian rolled his right knee during that Festival of Fail, and today he has to undergo an MRI to assess the damage to the medial collateral ligament. Sounds pretty bad already, doesn't it?

To add a little insult to all that injury, I should point out that the Nyets lost to a team that shot 32 percent from the field (24-for-74) and six percent from three-point range (1-for-15). Oh, and did I mention the 'Cats are the lowest scoring team in the NBA so far?

Bonus pathetic stat: The Nyets tied a team low with seven points in the third quarter on 13 percent shooting (2-for-15).

Update! Gerald Wallace, Black Hole: From Basketbawful reader Garron: "In four games this season, Gerald Wallace has 50+ shots, 50+ rebounds, 13 turnovers...and 0 assists. Black hole much?" It's true.

The New Orleans Hornets: Another great game for Chris Paul (32 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists), another loss for the Hornets. Anybody else thing it's going to be a long season in New Orleans? Well, at least the Saints are still undefeated. Anyway, the Hornets biggest problem was on defense, giving up 117 points to the previously winless Knicks, including 40 in the fourth quarter. But wait, it gets way worse than that: Larry Hughes saw his first action of the season...and scored 20 points on 8-for-13 shooting. Meanwhile Julian Wright, the man starting opposite of Big Shot Larry, finished with 2 points on 1-for-3 from the field.

Chris Paul: Great as he may be, the little guy is starting to lose his shit a little. First, he had an on-court run-in with Rajon Rondo on Sunday, after which he allegedly tried to force his way into the Celtics locker room. The NBA is currently investigating the situation. (Paul subsequently denied this on his Twitter page and now refuses to discuss it. Hornets coach Byron Scott said: "I think there comes a point in time in a game or even after a game when somebody says something to you, and the only thing I heard Chris say at the end of the game when we were walking off was that, 'he's going to respect me as a man.' So I don't know what Rondo said, but obviously Chris took exception to it." Obviously.)

Then, last night in New York, Paul and Al Haarrington were scrambling for a loose ball when Paul appeared to hit Harrington in the head. Said Harrington: "When I dove, my head hit his knee. He might have slipped a couple of jabs in there. It didn't affect me. You know I fight in the summer, so it's all good." It may be "all good" for Big Al, but Big David and the league office probably won't keep turning a blind eye if Paul doesn't get a handle on his emotions. After all, the NBA is supposed to care, not bludgeon.

The Utah Jazz: Hey, didn't these guys used to be almost unstoppable in Salt Lake City? They sure got stopped last night, losing 17 points to the Yao Ming-less and Tracy McGrady-less Rockets. How does a team with two All-Star caliber players (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer) lose at home to a team with zero All-Star caliber players? It was like Night of the Living Roleplayers out there, as eight Rockets scored in double figures (including 17 off the bench from rookie Chase Buddinger). Houston hit 50 percent of their shots and 52 percent of their threes. They also outrebounded Jazz 46-38 and scored 26 points off of Utah's 19 turnovers. They...they just do all the little things it takes to win. It's Moneyball, baby!

Or maybe it's just bad defense by the Jazz...? Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "If you're not going to defend, it's pretty tough to have a chance to win. They got on top of the basket, they drove around us, they went up to the ball on the boards and they passed the ball." Added Williams: "We've just got to have more determination to come out and get stops and not let people score. We're just picking up right where we left off. We haven't played a good game of basketball yet." Don't worry, Deron. You have, like, 78 more chances!

Carlos Boozer: Memo to Carlos: If you want to out of Utah, you should know that performances like this (1-for-6 for 7 points plus 4 turnovers) will not help your trade value.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Allen Iverson has arrived...let the losing begin in earnest! The Not Answer made his season debut for the Griz last night, logging 18 minutes (off the bench!) and finishing with 11 points (5-for-9), an assist and 2 turnovers. Oh, and one overtime loss to the previously winless Kings. And guess what? He's already bitching about coming off the bench!

Allen Iverson: If there was any question left that this guy just doesn'ts get it, that question got answered last night. Brought in off the bench most likely because he, like, hasn't been playing or practicing much lately due to a partial right hamstring tear, Iverson is already voicing discontent over his role. And it's been one game! Said The Not Answer: "Go look at my resume and that will show you that I'm not a sixth man. I don't think it has anything to do with me being selfish. It's just who I am. I don't want to change what gave me all the success that I've had since I've been in this league." Allen, Allen, Allen...you do realize that you're playing for the Grizzlies -- the Memphis Grizzlies! -- because nobody else would have touched you with a 10-meter cattle prod, right?

And I'm not sure what he means by "success." Sure, he had one bogus MVP season and made a trip to the Finals during an era in which the East sucked and his teammates inexplicable killed themselves for him despite the fact that he hogged the hell out of the ball. But since then? Scoring lots of points on 40 percent shooting while your teams consistently fail to meet expectations and becoming the biggest NBA outcast not named "Stephon Marbury" doesn't sound like success to me. But what do I know?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let it be known that the previously winless Clippers earned their first victory of the season against the lowly Timberpups. But let's face facts here: both teams are who we thought they were. Both squads shot 42 percent and the Clippers won despite giving up 30 points off 20 turnovers. This was offset by a little home cookin', as The Other L.A. Team had a 32-16 edge in free throw attempts.

Believe it or not, Minny had a chance to tie the game at the buzzer, but Corey Brewer chucked up a junk shot with a hand in his face...which coach Kurt Rambis explained thusly: "We haven't yet gotten to the point where we know what play we're going to run with a low-clock situation and no timeouts when you've got to get the ball up the floor. That's my fault that we haven't had the time to work on plays in that situation, but I like the fact that they got back in the ballgame and gave themselves a chance to win." So the team doesn't have a crunch-time play in the playbook? Wow. Coaching fail.

Baron Davis: B-Dizzle is shooting so poorly this season that even Jason Kidd is wrinkling his nose in disgust. Last night's 2-for-10 shooting display is becoming waaaaay to familiar for Clippers fans (should that even be plural anymore?). On the season, Davis is 18-for-54 (33 percent), and 5-for-19 (26 percent) from downtown.

Lacktion report: Despite attending last night's Kings game, Chris still delivered on the lacktion:

Nets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson sold a few marked up Air Jordans for a 3.85 trillion.

Rockets-Jazz: With Clutch the Bear's squad back on track, Rick Adelman had the chance to light up several human victory cigars, including a familiar face or two. Brian Cook and Jermaine Taylor each punched a 1.5 trillion on the scorecard, while Pops Mensah-Bonsu fathered a foul for a +1 suck differential in that same timespan (1:29), also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Kings: My second trip to Arco Arena this year produced several figures of forgettability, starting with Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet, who randomly cued up his Arch Rivals cartridge with a foul for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in a 54-second Mario! Teammate Sam Young made a few youthful mistakes out there, bricking and giving up the rock once each while adding two fouls for a +4 in 3:29.

The home team pulled out an overtime victory and Paul Westphal made sure to provide momentum-changing unproductivity from the beginning, with Desmond Mason jarring the ranks of the rich and famous through a stunning somnambulent stint as a starter of 6.65 trillion!!!! Sean May avoided pure lacktion with a basket, only to earn himself a Voskuhl of 5:3 in 9:16 via four fouls and a giveaway against that field goal and an assist.

Update! Bonus Bawful: From NarSARSsist:

You can't blame CP3. After this happened he was never the same again. I don't think any of us would be.

Speaking of the Hornets. Who the f*** is Bobby Brown and why the hell is he playing? With his shooting you might as well count him as good for like 4-5 turnovers a game. It's really sad when your best shooting performance is 4-for-12 for 33.3%. On a related note, his PER is 5.99, good for 248th in the league. That's out of the 291 players that qualified. A...mazing...

Sidenote about the bawfulness of the Nets and Bobcats. They were +8 with Chairman Yi on the court, and -19 with him off the court. That speaks amazing volumes about the two teams. Even a Man Chair plays better than them.

Also bawful: "Guys can't get bored with the process and get frustrated because they're only averaging 13-14 points," said Alston, who shot 1-for-8 filling in at point guard for Harris. "Yeah, that might be your average right now. So what? In the third quarter, it was bad from a team standpoint." Rafer Alston is talking about the team standpoint? This is the same guy who, in a 4-on-2 or 4-on-1 situation last night, opted not to pass to the Man Chair who was under the basket just so he can challenge his man and take it to the hoop...and get his shot swatted by Tyson Chandler.

How sad are the Jazz right now? Last year, about two months into the season, it looked like they had two potential 20/10 guys in an injured Boozeman and the newly flourishing Paperboy. Now it looks like neither of them are that kind of player.

Houston's David Andersen shot 1-for-7 and, by NBA.com standards, had a -3 efficiency points day. He is averaging 5.5 points and 2.5 rebounds per game thus far. Remember back when everyone was all bubbly about this guy's skills and how Daryl Morey's nerd Elvis ways have landed him the center to replace Yao? Yeah, me neither. If you combine his four games, in 51 minutes he would have produced right around what Yao produces in a single game.

Where is the love for Demarre Carroll? The man put up 15 minutes of hard effort to give us a 5:3 Voskhul. Same thing with Brian Cardinal, who put blood and tears into his 13 minute, 4:2 Voskhul performance. They demand to be honored!

Labels: Allen Iverson, Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer, Chris Paul, Memphis Grizzlies, Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, New Orleans Hornets, Tracy McGrady, Utah Jazz

Important note!! Go over to to Pete Marasmitch and vote for Basketbawful in Round 1 of the Basketblog Header Playoffs.

Slightly less important note!! Many thanks to Statbuster for helping me crank out today's Worst of the Night.

Okay, last note! Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Pacers Fans: For starters, they learned that Mike Dunleavy's knee surgery nearly ended his career, and he is already expected to miss most of the 2010 season. Coach Jim O'Brien stated his intentions to give Brandon Rush the starting SG spot next season. A quick look shows Rush logged 1,731 minutes this season and came up with 64 assists, 34 steals, and a PER of 8.4. So I see absolutely no reason to be concerned with that announcement.

Then on Monday, the Pacers turned a 17-point first half clubbering into a semi-respectable 8-point curb-stomp at the hands of the Craboliers, losing 109-117. During that game, the Pacers' NBA regular season double-double record was broken by former Golden State castoff Troy Murphy, beating out guys like Jermaine O'Neal, Clark Kellogg, Dale Davis, Rik Smits, Antonio Davis, Herb Williams, Detlef Schrempf, and Wayman Tisdale. Wait...what?

Any Detroit Piston not named Rip Hamilton: In a "must not lose" game, the Pistons fumbled away a 8 point halftime lead at home against the Bulls, losing 91-88. The non-Rip Hamilton Pistons shot 36%, including an anemic 4 FGs, 4 turnovers and 6 fouls from the benches. Is Coach Michael Curry gonna hafta choke a bench? This loss guaranteed the Pistons a first-round matchup against a little-known Cleveland team that has picked up a few wins as of late.

Juan Dixon: The Wizards Generals gave away a scalper's-night-off special against the Raptors, losing 97-96. This was mostly thanks to this, which set up a game winning three from Chris Bosh. My guess is that Dixon recently watched "The Sixth Man" and saw a wide-open yet very ghost-like Kadeem Hardison in the frontcourt. And, yes, they did make a "basketball player dies of a heart attack" comedy only a few years after Reggie Lewis died. Which was only slightly worse than...

Brendan Haywood: Brendan Haywood made Patrick O'Bryant and Pops Mensa-Bonsu look like Hakeem Olajuwon and Ralph Sampson. O'Popsu combined for 17 points, 13 boards, 5 steals, and 2 blocks. Haywood finished with 5 points, 4 rebounds, 3 turnovers, 3 fouls, 4 blocks allowed, and the lowest plus-minus of the game (-19). Immediately after the game, a crowd of single, 40 year old overweight women lined up outside the Wizards' locker room, because they heard that Brendan Haywood can make any ass look good.

Wins That Make You Look Pathetic, Part I: Remember that time when you had to try really hard to not lose to your 12-year old niece in air hockey? The Bobcats-Nets game was exactly like that. With the Bobcats out of the playoffs, Larry Brown rewarded his bench by spreading out the playing time. Most of the Charlotte bench, including duds like DeSagana Diop and Dontell Jefferson, logged 20 minutes or more. Which makes the Nets 91-87 win, which their starters logged 30+ minutes each, kinda sad. The Nets did not want to lose to these guys, and were quick to downplay the Charlotte bench-clearization. Jarvis Hayes said, "I don't know what he was trying to do. We wanted to win." Vince Carter said, "Coach asked me three or four times if I wanted to come out. I wasn't coming out. If I had taken my shoe off I would not have been able to return...We just wanted to win the game."

Life in Milwaukee: It's no secret that Milwaukee -- a.k.a., the town that gave us bowties and patriotic fireman hats made of cheese -- kind of sucks. Unless, of course, you like snowstorms in the middle of April. But at least the people there get an occasional break from the drudgery of their daily lives when superstars like Dwight Howard come to town as part of the NBA's traveling road show. Only Superman didn't jump center for the Magic last night. Instead, Marcin "The Polish Hammer" Gortat did. And by the way: His game is NOT the Hammer...


The Orlando Magic: Did I mention that Marcin Gortat was their starting center last night? Courtney Lee, Mickael Pietrus, Tony Battie and Rafer Alston filled out Orlando's starting lineup, so it should come as no surprise that they shot 31 percent, missed 16 of their 18 three-point attempts and lost by 18 in what was their third straight loss to a non-playoff team.

The NBA Fashion Police: Howard may not have been in uniform, but he was on the Magic bench, joking with teammates and joshing with the fans. Until halftime, that is, when Dwight was informed that he was in violation of the league's dress code...despite being decked out in "a sweater and dress shirt, dress pants and shoes, and a sparkling diamond-studded watch." But, of course, the NBA requires non-playing players to wear a dress coat while on the bench. I'm sure the letter of their law was much more important than having one of their most popular players interacting with the crowd, though.

Wins That Make You Look Pathetic, Part II: The Mavs are desperately trying to move up, up and away from any possibility of a first-round matchup with the Lakers, so you would have expected them to put an early smack down on the Timberwolves. Instead, Minny almost put the smack down on them...in Dallas. Craig Smith came off the T-Wolves' bench to score a season-high 24 points and Sebastian Telfair tied his season high with 12 assists, and Dallas Trailing had to crawl out of a 7-point hole with 3:13 left and needed an 18-footer from Jason Terry with 0.2 seconds left to win the game.

Losses That Makes You Look Pathetic: With the playoff seed secure, Hornets coach Byron Scott gave his starters the night off...wait, what? He didn't? Nope. They just played like it. Chris Paul went 3-for-8, Rasual Butler was 1-for-9, Melvin Ely hit 2-for-7, Peja Stojakovic finished 1-for-7 and David West, the best of the bunch, ended up 6-for-15. As a team, the Hornets shot 34 percent, scored a season-low 66 points and got crushed like their namesakes, blowing a chance to clinch the West's sixth seed in the process. Said Byron Scott: "It is very disappointing. I think most of our guys in that locker room think that it's like a light switch, that you can just turn on when the playoffs start. It's not going to happen, it's just not." Scott then dramatically flipped the locker room light switch on and off several times and added: "THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, NOW DID IT?!" To which one reporter replied: "Well, it is kinda dark in here now..."

The Guys That Are Who We Thought They Were: As bad as the Jazz have been playing lately, they're still good enough to blow out the Clippers, who got abused on the boards (50-36) and went a Shaq-like 10-for-18 from the foul line. Oh, and Baron Davis was 1-for-13. Speaking of which...

The Man Everyone Hates: B-Diddy got into a shoving match with Matt Harpring in the third quarter and, well, things didn't go so well for him after that.


The Worst Team In The League: When last we saw them, they were losing on a last-second three that shouldn't have counted. Last night they lost in much more pathetic fashion, when J.R. Smith abused them with a career-high 45 points and Nuggets franchise-best 11 three-pointers. The only drama left is finding out whether the Kings will surpass the worst season in franchise history by three games or only two. Stay tuned.

The Phoenix "Sad Face" Suns: From the AP recap: "In winning their 45th game of the season, the Suns became only the third team in NBA history to reach that total and not earn a playoff berth." It hurts.

Allen Iverson city-wide cancer: Basketbawful reader Stephanie G sent in this link:

Allen Iverson has gone from being a one-man economic stimulus plan for the city's downtown casinos to persona non grata. He has spent a ton of money down there, but recently he's been banned from both MGM and Greektown casinos.

The NBA is looking into a disturbance at Greektown that involved one of Iverson's body guards. Iverson may have been trying to act as a peacemaker but his body guard was involved in some kind of tussle.

Iverson, though, has been banned mostly for his boorish behavior. He is a bad loser, and he loses a lot, often throwing his chips or cards at the dealer. He has been warned about improper behavior at the tables repeatedly. He is often loud and disruptive, according to witnesses, rude to dealers, other players and the wait staff.

Earlier this season, Iverson caused a disturbance at a casino outside of Minneapolis. He's also earned a bad reputation at Atlantic City.

You know Iverson's behavior has to be really bad for a casino to ban him. As much money has he spends and losses, and with the casinos all fighting bankruptcy, wow, he had to be a nightmare.

Florida International University: Considering letting Isiah Thomas take over their basketball program...which is kind of like letting Aretha Franklin watch your ham sandwich.

Lacktion report: More lacktion from Chris "The Sacramento Sledgehammer."

Cavs-Pacers: All-Lacktion selection Tarence Kinsey maintained his beautifully unproductive form through pinching out an appropriate tribute to Shigeru Miyamoto tonight -- a well-executed 32-second Mario.

Raptors-Wizards: Jake Voskuhl's self-named stat once again effectively describes the leader of the Little Three of Lacktivity, as despite two made free throws in 3:53, he fouled once and gave up the rock twice for a Madsen-level 3:2 ratio. (And teammate Roko Ukic failed to rock out by canceling out a four-brick performance with a needless assist.)

Bulls-Pistons: Walter Hermmann was in the money tonight, getting ready to buy a mansion in Grosse Pointe Shores soon with a 7.05 trillion! (Even more amazing, he was able to rake in the dough on a night where the final deficit the Pistons buried themselves with was a mere three points!)

Wolves-Mavs: Yahoo and CBSSports.com do not confirm this, but both NBA.com and ESPN.com claim (with backing from Foxsports.com) that Ryan Hollins has just earned the rarely-seen-in-the-Association Super Mario Galaxy, with a zero-second stint!!!!!

Clippers-Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko returns after a bit of an absence to post up a foul for a +1 suck differential (and 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl) in 3:11. Meanwhile, one block from Brian Skinner was not enough in 4:00 to overcome two bricks, one giveaway, and a foul, giving himself a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Kings-Nuggets: Cedric Simmons makes it two nights of lacktion in a row with a +2 suck differential in 2:36 via brick and foul, also good for a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0.

Grizzlies-Suns: Darko Milicic freely fouled three times in 7:00 and bricked once for a 3:0 Voskuhl (despite three assists). Fellow baby cub Hamed Haddadi also scored a Voskuhl of his own in 7:38, fouling three times and bricking twice for a 3:2 ratio against two rebounds (and an assist and two blocks).

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Shaq, saying, "Dude, we're gonna need you in L.A. in November." Shaq texted back: "Srsly?" Kobe replied: "Totally. The 5th Annual Los Angeles Internatonal Tamale Eating Contest is on Nov. 15." Shaq did not respond.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Baron Davis, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

Basketbawful reader Kevin L. writes: "Give Mikki Moore credit; trying to block a shot and get a big grope at the same time." But even though it looks like Mikki's hand is down B-Diddy's shorts, I've been informed by Timmothy that "it's more like an intimate petting of his rock-flabby abs, pre-coitus. Or something like that."

Labels: Baron Davis, fan submissions, man love, Mikki Moore

Sadly, B-Diddy's life hasn't been all roller skatingand boom boxing since he arrived in L.A.
Well. That didn't take long. Tom Ziller reported on NBA Fanhouse that Baron Davis told Stephen Jackson that he wants to come back to the Golden State Warriors. Because, you know, his time in Oakland ended all sunshine and giggles.

According to Captan Jack: "That's all we talked about. I went to his house, spent some time with his mom and his grandmother. He wants to come back. And if he wants to come back, I want him back. I think that would be great for us. Coach loves him. Him and (guard) Monta (Ellis) have good chemistry. If they could work that out, that would be great for the organization."

Forget the fact that it's never, ever going to happen, and that Jackson is so nutty that he's as likely to have gotten that information from a sock puppet as the actual B-Diddy. However, this is -- if it is indeed true -- yet another example of a top-notch player wanting the frick out of Clipperland. Remember back in 1994 when Ron Harper was due to become an unrestriced free agent at the end of the season? He was fined and suspended for stating the obvious truth: "I'm just doing my jail time. In about 65 or 70 more days, my time is up and I'll be out on GB, good behavior."

And those comments were nothing compared to what Lamar Odom had to say at the end of his tenure with the other L.A. team. Here's a sampling:

"I feel like my relationship with the Clippers is over. I don't really feel like they committed to me. If they were, this wouldn't be going on like this. I just feel like this is my time and my place and my chance to get out of there.

"At the end of this year, I pretty much wanted out. I'm tired of not having a place to practice, a place to get better. I think it's just my time to get out of there. I've been trying to express myself as humble as possible, but I just want to get...out of there.

"I know they did the thing with Elton Brand, but that was the obvious. They had to do that. I don't want to go through this again with the perception of Lamar Odom and having to win [Dunleavy] over and try to show him that I'm a good dude.

"I don't see how far we could go. From my understanding, no one wants to hire a disgruntled employee or bring a disgruntled employee back. I would not be happy coming back. I think my career is going to take off with the Heat. I'm running in muddy waters with the Clippers.

"This is about me coming to play for a coach that I should have been playing with a long time ago, since my rookie season. He tried to make the moves to come get me then [in a trade], and now it's time for him to come get me out of the basketball hell."

Asked if he was worried the Clippers would match the Heat's offer simply out of spite, Odom said: "To sign somebody back out of spite is gutless and is sorry. I just want to get as far away from the Clippers as possible."

Of course, that situation was mitigated somewhat by the fact that Odom is as crazy as an athlete's foot sandwich. But he wasn't exactly wrong either. Being on the Clippers really IS basketball hell, one unusually successful season a few years ago notwithstanding. Many players have been a Clipper. But nobody -- and I mean nobody -- ever willingly chooses to remain a Clipper. Let me put it this way. There are exactly five teams in the NBA that don't have a single retired jersey number: The Charlotte Bobcats, the Los Angeles Clippers, the Memphis Grizzlies, the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Toronto Raptors. You'll notice that the other teams are relatively recent expansion teams. The oldest of them, Toronto, is 11 years younger than the Clips (since they've been in L.A. anyway). And considering how many extremely high draft picks they've had over the years, that's astounding. It may take a few years, but eventually everybody wants out of that nuthouse. Which is why it was so strange to read that Jason Williams retired as a Clipper. Of course, he never played a game for them.

Anyway, Davis made his bed. Now, for good or ill, he's gonna have to squirm in it.

Update! Basketbawful reader Drake also pointed out that, in 1985, Bill Walton agreed to buy out part of HIS OWN contract with the Clippers to facilitate a trade to the Celtics. (Can you imagine Antoine Walker doing something like that? Ha!) And Wild Yams said: "You forgot to add what the late, great Malik Sealy said after he finally got away from the Clippers in 1997: 'It's good to be back in the NBA.' The Clippers: They are who we thought they were." Yes they are.

Labels: Baron Davis, Golden State Warriors, Lamar Odom, Los Angeles Clippers, Ron Harper, Stephen Jackson

This was reported on the Bay to Beijing blog: Matt Kaplan, a 22-year-old from Lafayette (Indiana California, presumably) was seen leaving Team USA's game against Greece in a Baron Davis Golden State Warrior Number Five jersey.


That's right: Kaplan removed B-Diddy's name, creating a unique and totally anonymous jersey. For some reason, this reminds me of the mid-90s NBA Live game where they couldn't include Michael Jordan on the Bulls because of copyright issues (read that: "Mike is a greedy bastard"), so they put some nameless player (with all Jordan's stats and attributes) in his place.

Actually, Kaplan has a great idea. As soon as I get home from my Clark Kent job, I'm going to rip the name off my Jermaine O'Neal Pacers jersey. Which, now that I think of it, I sort of wish I would have done about two years ago...

Labels: Baron Davis, Golden State Warriors, NBA Live, Warrior Number Five

Human words cannot do this justice. So I'll use these words instead: Ba weep gra na weep ninny bong. Okay, now watch this video. But beware: After viewing it, nothing else in the universe will ever seem awesome to you again. Thanks for the link, Nick.

Labels: Baron Davis, fan submissions, man love, Steve Nash

Sorry this is late, folks. Even I need a holiday, apparently.

Spurs-Lakers Game 2

San Antonio Spurs: The seven-game series with the Hornets, that night spent sleeping on a grounded plane, the devastating choke job in Game 1 of this series, their age...it was like all of those things caught up with them at once in Game 2. The Spurs shot 34 percent as a team -- including 6-for-23 from three -- and they got slowly and methodically crushed in the second half en route to a 30-point rout. The champs were a step slow everywhere, especially on defense, where they allowed the Lakers to shoot 55 percent.

Manu Ginobili: Manu was San Antonio's worst player in the first game, and he was just as bad -- maybe worse -- in Game 2. Shoeless Joe Ginobili was 2-for-8 from the field, 0-for-4 from distance, and finished with 7 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, and 2 fouls in 23 pointless minutes.

Tim Duncan and Tony Parker: The other two members of the Spurs' three amigos were better than Ginobili...but not by much. Timmy had a double-double (12 points, 16 rebounds), but he shot 6-for-14, missed all four of his freethrows, and put on his invisibility cloak in the second half. TP finished with 13 points on 15 shots and had a game-high 4 turnovers. Like Duncan, Parker was a non-factor in the second half and he never figured out a way to crack L.A.'s interior defense.

Fabricio Oberto: I could easily include Oberto in every "Worst of" post based only on his various hair crimes against humanity. Seriously, is that hairstyle cool anywhere? Well, from what I saw on ArgentinaHair.com, I guess it is. Anyway, Fabulous Fabricio is here because of his team-worst +/- score of -26 in only 22 minutes of lack-tion (he grabbed only 2 rebounds in that time).

Robert Horry: The line: Zero points, 0-for-5, 4 rebounds in 14 minutes. Every time I see Cheap Shot play these days, I hear an egg timer going off. Translation: He's done.

Damon Stoudamire: Mighty Mouse finally got into a game, thanks to the glories of garbage time. But apparently, Damon can't even handle that; he scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting and dished 1 lonely assist in 9 minutes. On the bright side, he outrebounded Oberto 3-2.

Ronny Turiaf: Straight. Up. Crazy. (From Odenized.)


Pistons-Celtics Game 3

Detroit Pistons: After stealing Game 2 in Boston, the Pistons were in the driver's seat in this series. They then drove their playoff car directly into a tree, losing Game 3 at home 94-80. Detroit was 28-for-73 (38 percent) from the field and 1-for-13 from beyond the arc. They also got outrebounded 44-28.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot continues to struggle, whether because of his gimpy hamstring or, as Flip Saunders has suggested, because he's out of synch from the missed games against the Magic and the layoff that followed. Whatever the case, Billups finished Game 3 with 6 points on 1-for-6 shooting and had the worst +/- score on the team (-25). At this point, I wouldn't blame Saunders for benching him in favor of Rodney Stuckey (17 points, 4 assists, 4 steals).

Tayshaun Prince: Prince or pauper? Tayshaun scored 4 points on 2-for-11 shooting, and his +/- score of -23 was barely worse than Chauncey's.

Amir Johnson: Since Aaron Afflalo got a DNP-CD, Amir stepped in to submit Detroit's nightly mario.

Boston Celtics: The Leprechauns probably would have won Game 3 by 30 had they not gone into the NBA-equivalent of the prevent defense for most of the fourth quarter. This allowed the Pistons to cut a 20-plus-point lead to single digits before finally succumbing. Why would Doc Rivers go away from what had been working? Instead of pushing the ball and trying to extend the lead, the Celtics started walking the ball up, dribbling 23 seconds off the shot clock, and then rushing up several forced shots that didn't have a prayer. It was ugly, and stupid, even if it did "work."

Rajon Rondo: He had more turnovers (5) than assists (4). Not good for a starting point guard.

Sam Cassell: Dude wasn't even letting the ground touch the ball. (From Odenized.)


Spurs-Lakers Game 3

ESPN Daily Dime: From Basketbawful reader PickNPop: "Today's poll in ESPN's Daily Dime jumped the gun on Stern's fairytale script of a Lakers/Celtics Finals by insinuating that the Lakers already won a game in San Antonio this series." Oops. But I'm sure it was just a semantic mistake.


Los Angeles Lakers: I expected the Spurs to play better at home in Game 3 than they did on the road in Game 2, but I didn't expect the Lakers to totally self-destruct. But that's what happened. The L.A. defense got roasted from the field (where the Spurs shot 51 percent) and especially from distance (where the champs were 10-for-18). They also forgot how to pass the ball, which would explain why they had only 13 assists on their 35 field goals.

Lamar Odom: From Game 2 hero to Game 3 goat, Lamar shot 2-for-11 from the field, 3-for-8 from the line, and committed a game-high 5 turnovers. But I guess that's what happens when your last name is an anagram for "doom."

Sasha Vujacic: Remember all that great defense he was playing on Manu Ginobili? Didn't happen this time. Manu finished with 30 points on 9-for-15 shooting, including 5-for-7 from downtown (although, to be fair, Manu was burning pretty much everybody). Sasha wasn't much help on the offensive end, either, finishing with 4 points on 1-for-5 shooting.

Kobe Bryant: The MVP scored at will (30 points, 13-for-23) but he set a bad precedent with his passing, which was equal parts stingy (1 assist) and errant (4 turnovers).

Damon Stoudamire: After his stunningly awful Game 2 performance, Matt Bonner got Mighty Mouse's garbage minutes in Game 3. Matt Bonner.

Charles Barkley: He thinks San Antonio is fat. Doesn't he know people in glass houses sink ships? Or something like that.


Pistons-Celtics Game 4

Boston Celtics: They went back into "Road Mode" for Game 4, shooting 31 percent from the field and 1-for-9 from The Land of Three. They also had more turnovers (14) than assists (12). Their defense also surrendered 51 percent shooting and forced the Pistons into only 7 turnovers. Oh, and they let Antonio McDyess (21 points, 16 rebounds) have his best playoff game in over ten years.

Ray Allen: After a brief reunion, Ray-Ray's jump shot has left him once again. Allen was 2-for-8, and he even boned two straight freethrows late in the game that killed what little hope the Celtics had left.

Rajon Rondo and Sam Cassell: Boston's two-headed point guard attack apparently needs a third head. Rondo finished with 4 points (2-for-8) and 4 assists, while Sam-I-Am had zero points (0-for-3) and zero assists.

Paul Pierce: The Celtic captain finished with 16 points and 8 boards, but he shot 3-for-14, missed all three of his three-point attempts, and committed a game-high 4 turnovers. Oh, and three of his shots got stuffed.

Eddie House and Tony Allen: They got put into the game for garbage time, and they each submitted a garbage-worth one trillion.

Kendrick Perkins: From Odenized: "At 0:20, Kendrick Perkins says, 'f*** these fools,' referring to the Pistons. Does Perkins act with too much cockiness or is his confidence his greatest strength?" Uh, I'm gonna go with the former rather than the latter.


Chauncey Billups: He did hit a big-time three in the fourth quarter to help finish the Celtics off, but that hardly made up for the rest of the game, during which he scored 7 points on 2-for-11 shooting. He and Ray Allen need to find a missing jump shot support group.

Tayshaun Prince: He played more minutes than anybody else on either team (40), but you could barely tell based on his line: 7 points, 3-for-12, 2 rebounds, 3 assists, 4 fouls. Of course, he did play a big part in Detroit's stifling defense.

Flip Saunders: Yeah, it's hard to criticize a coach too much after his team wins a big playoff game by 19. However...Flip made a decision in the third quarter that still has me shaking my head. When Rasheed Wallace got into foul trouble, Saunders replaced him with the creaky Theo Ratliff (2 points, 2 rebounds) instead of the on-fire Jason Maxiell (14 points, 6-for-6). Why?

Stupid people: Look. For the love of all that's holy. Kobe didn't jump over a moving car, and he certainly didn't jump over a pool full of snakes. I mean, why do some people need to have this stuff explained to them. Enjoy the viral video for what it is, but come on...


Idle hands: From Basketbawful reader 80s NBA: "Looks like Steve Nash and Baron Davis need to find some better off-season hobbies." Well, you know, they aren't in the playoffs or anything...

Labels: Baron Davis, Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Worst of the Weekend

Kobe Bryant has officially asked the Lakers to trade him.

Why? As Terrell Owens' former publicity agent might have said, Kobe has 136 million reasons to be a happy little Laker. But he's not. The gist of it is that Kobe believes that the Lakers (specifically Jerry Buss) lied to him about their long-term plans and are now trying to make him (via a Deep Throat-esque "insider") the scapegoat for the team's woes. Moreover, it has become increasingly clear that the organization is either unwilling or incapable of providing him with championship-caliber teammates. Enough, apparently, is enough.

From Kobe's perspective, the whole saga hinges on making people believe that:

1. He had nothing whatsoever to do with breaking up the team -- exiling Shaq, running off Karl Malone, letting Gary Payton walk -- that made it to the 2004 NBA Finals, and

2. The Lakers promised him during the summer of 2004 that they were in "win now" mode and not "rebuild around Kobe" mode.

Sorry, but I'm not buying it. I mean, it's been three years -- three years!! -- since Jerry Buss hit the Reset button on the Lakers mini-dynasty. Kobe had to have some idea before right now that the team was rebuilding. It's not like he went to bed one night with teammates like Shaq, Malone, Payton, Derek Fisher, and Rick Fox...and then suddenly woke up the next day surrounded by stiffs like Smush Parker and Kwame Brown. How can he be acting so shocked? It's been three years, Kobe. Where've you been?

Kobe's a smart guy. You cannot convince me otherwise. He's not coming to this realization out of the clear blue. Phil Jackson wrote a freaking book about how Kobe couldn't coexist with Shaq, and how the Lakers were ready, willing, and able to mortgage the team's future to hold onto the young superstar, even if it meant dumping the old superstar and the legendary coach. And I don't care what Kobe says, he and his people knew what was written in that book practically the minute it was published. He didn't pick it up just yesterday.

I can't help but feel that Kobe's rewriting history because he's finally realized he can't do it alone. For most of the past three years, I think Kobe honestly believed that all he needed was one or two decent players to back him up. Well, he's finally starting to get it -- one superstar does not a champion make -- and he's freaking out. He's like a woman who's just turned 30 and says to herself, "I thought I'd be married by now. I should be having babies by now. I only have a few productive years left before I'm old and ugly and I can't have babies anymore! OH MY GOD!!"

This isn't just me hating on Kobe, either. It simply makes no logical sense that Kobe didn't see what was going on around him. He's acting like he just slipped on a banana peel. If he'd lost his nut during the Lakers' first Shaq-less year, maybe then I would have believe him. Maybe. But now? No way.

Mind you, Lakers management had there grubby little paws in this mess. As a group, they were like a high-stakes poker player who lost his mind and decided to go all in even though all he had was one ace and a bunch of crap cards. They figured any hand that they dealt would be a winner as long as they had Kobe in it, and Kobe seemed to believe the same thing. Because Kobe's like Mike, right?

People don't truly understand what an ideal situation Jordan had in Chicago. The Bulls didn't start winning titles until Jordan was surrounded by the perfect supporting: veteran players who were hungry to win and willing to work within the system (John Paxson, B.J. Armstrong, Bill Cartright, Steve Kerr, Ron Harber, Toni Kukoc, Luc Longley, et al.), legitimate all-stars who took the pressure off him and enhanced his game (Pippen, Grant, Rodman), and a coach who was able to keep everybody relatively happy and supremely motivated (Phil Jackson). But those systems are fragile. Look at what happened when Jordan came back to the Bulls in 1995. Until they added Rodman, they were just another really good team...even with Jordan.

And let's take a closer look at the players that Kobe claims the Lakers supposedly failed to land:

Baron Davis: According to Kobe, the Lakers believe that Davis is "injury prone." Uh, Davis is injury prone. Don't let this year's great playoff run fool you. He's missed 98 games over the last four seasons, including 19 this year. His numbers also had been steadily declining until the Warriors hired Don Nelson, who immediately instituted a run-and-gun offense.

Carlos Boozer: In the summer of 2004, Boozer signed a contract with the Jazz worth almost $70 million dollars. The Lakers didn't have that kind of money to throw at Boozer after signing Kobe. And even if they did...would they really have committed that kind of cash to a guy who, at the time, had career averages of 12 points and 8 rebounds per game? I mean, they could have spent a little more and held onto Shaq. Besides, Boozer seems like a no-brainer now, but don't forget that he missed 80 games in his first two seasons with the Jazz and looked like a bust until he broke out this year.

Ron Artest: You're kidding, right?

All in all, it's a bad situation for everybody involved. Can Kobe really force a trade? Would the Lakers actually do it, knowing they'd never get comparable value? And they can forget about cutting a quick and equitable deal, because the whole world knows Kobe has the Lakers over the barrel. Jerry Buss will have very little negotiating power, and Kobe's no-trade agreement ensures that he has the final say over where he goes.

Let the games begin.

Labels: Baron Davis, Carlos Boozer, Gary Payton, Jerry Buss, Karl Malone, Kobe Bryant, lies, Los Angeles Lakers, Ron Artest, Shaq

The 2007 NBA Playoffs have forced almost daily updates to my "Dead To Me" list. Here's the current listing:

10. Reed Richards and Tony Stark
9. Seventeen-year cicadas
8. People who misuse ellipsis points
7. I-290 East (prior to the Austin Blvd. exit)
6. Hugh Jackman
5. Linear algebra
4. Kobe Bryant*
3. StubHub
2. Stu Jackson
1. San Antonio Spurs

*This is the first time Kobe's been out of the top 3 since the fall of 2001.

So...what have the NBA playoffs taught us so far? That it's okay to sweep a leg (Bruce Bowen), knee an opponent in the frigamajig (Bowen again), mash somebody's face with an elbow (Baron Davis), and clothesline a guy nearly to death (Jason Richardson) -- none of those plays resulted in a suspension (and lest anyone forget, Kobe Bryant got suspended this season, twice, for doing less). It is not okay, however, to step over a painted line after somebody shoulder-tackles your two-time MVP teammate into the scorer's table. Way to maintain order, David Stern!

This is a textbook example of traveshamockery. A roleplayer from one team thugs the best player on the opposing team, and the team that gets punished is the one that was victimized in the first place. NBA executive vice president of basketball operations Stu Jackson had the audacity to say, ""It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness."

Really, Stu? Is that right?

Here's what I want to know. How is the "can't leave the bench" edict the only true zero tolerance rule in the NBA? Everything other rule is open to some manner of interpretation. If a player charges into the stands after an abusive fan, he might get suspended 11 games (Vernon Maxwell), 73 games (Ron Artest), or only 1 game (Antonio Davis). If a player punches somebody, he might get suspended for five games, or he might get 25. Every situation is unique and must therefore be judged on its own merit. I mean, referees are forced to make judgement calls all the time on what consitutes a hand-check, a travelling violation, a charge, a flagrant foul, and so on. Why can't there be a judgement call in this type of situation? There's also supposed to be a zero tolerance policy for post-whistle complaining, but players bitch and moan about fouls (and non-fouls) all the time. The fact is, NBA officials have always been able to pick and choose how and when they enforce the rules.

But that's all beside the point. "Zero tolerance" rules are designed by people in positions of power who want to absolve themselves of the need to use logic or wisdom. They can always fall back on this excuse to disarm their critics. The granddaddy of all zero tolerance rules is that the referee is always right, but when Joey Crawford threw Tim Duncan out of a game for laughing at his calls from the bench, the league decided that Crawford needed to be punished for his behavior. Apologists for the NBA can say that Crawford was punished because he asked if Duncan wanted to fight, but asking "Do you want to fight?" is the lamest of aggressive things ever said on a basketball court, even by officials. Crawford was punished because, against all reason, he chose to eject one of a team's critical players during one of the league's critical matchups. And now the NBA is doing the exact same thing.

This is not a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for the NBA. The following would be a completely legitimate statement by Commissioner Stern regarding this incident:

"In light of the fact that there were no punches thrown and that this incident began as a result of aggressive action taken by the Spurs, I consider it more prudent to follow the spirit of the law. Following the letter of the law in this case would create a very high incentive for teams to send thugs onto the floor to fight in an effort to get opposing benches suspended. I cannot in good conscience allow such a precedent by rewarding bad behavior. In a related story, Robert Horry has been suspended for the next Spurs/Suns game."

That didn't happen though, and it won't. And in the meantime, the Spurs have become the new Bad Boys. They've very quietly played rough and dirty for years, to the point where their behavior is now an irrevocable part of the institution. Trying to combat their tactics is like trying to stop a tank by blowing on it with a straw. You can't talk about it without being labeled a whiner, you can't react without being punished, and you can't count on the league to protect you.

You know what I'd like to see? Retribution. If I was coach Mike D'Antoni, I'd send Pat Burke into the game and instruct him to guard Duncan. I'd tell Burke to do his best Bill Laimbeer impersonation and pull every dirty trick in the book. I'd have him grab, hold, and trip. I'd tell him to step on Duncan's feet and undercut him at every opportunity. Then I'd tell him to deliver five of the hardest possible fouls whenever it looked like Duncan might shoot the ball. Then, for foul number six, I'd order Burke to level Duncan. Just drop him to the floor. Let's see whether any of the Spurs lose their cool and jump off the bench. I'm sure the Phoenix players would be more than happy to donate the money needed to pay Burke's fines.

Would that be a petty, rotten, dirty thing to do? Maybe. But it's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness.

[Many thanks to Evil Ted for his contributions.]

Labels: Baron Davis, Bruce Bowen, Jason Richardson, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, rules, San Antonio Spurs, Stu Jackson, Tim Duncan