The Suns' Jason Richardson wascharged with unspeakable evil.
Jason Richardson of the Phoenix Suns did some hard time on Sunday night for driving 90 in a 35-mph zone in Scottsdale, Arizona, as his three-year-old son was rolled around "unrestrained" in the back seat, presumably while bound in barbed wire and covered in crawling insects. The official charges include: Endangerment, reckless driving, failure to use a child seat, excessive speed, and "being way more evil than Hitler ever was, even after his living brain was transplanted into that nuclear-powered robot body."

Parent groups are calling for an immediate execution by lethal ass-kicking, or at the very least permanent exile to some ghastly hell dimension where he will be transformed into a shapeless blob of flesh that can neither cry out in pain nor die, after which he will be beaten forever with a club made out of rusty metal and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Also, Doogie Howser, M.D. will be playing endlessly in the background. Some are calling the proposed punishment "too humane," while others believe "it's a good start."

Speaking of punishments, the Suns -- who absolutely WILL NOT TOLERATE such intolerable behavior -- have suspended Richardson without pay for Tuesday night's home game against the Los Angeles Clippers. Said Suns President of Basketball Operations and General Manager Steve Kerr: "This is about sending a message that our organization will not abide by such reprehensible behavior, even if it means severely handicapping ourselves during a game in our home arena against a bitter division rival like the Clippers. Seriously! They once took us to seven games in the 2006 NBA playoffs! And I assure you, this is only the first measure. We're also looking into docking his $30 per diem money when we play the Clippers in L.A. on Wednesday, and maybe even limiting him to one massage per day...indefinitely." Kerr then placed a pinky finger to his lips before reaching down with the other hand to depress a "Destroy The Phoenix Suns Forever" button, after which he erupted in mirthless laughter.

A remoseful Richardson is taking his medicine without the usual spoonful of sugar, but he can't understand why people are questioning his daddy skillz: "I just want to apologize to everybody, teammates, my family, especially my fiancee. This is a tough time for me. I've been questioned as a basketball player, questioned as a person, but my fatherhood in question is tough, because I try to be the best father I can be and try to keep my kids out of harm's way." This statement was issued shortly after Richardson finished throwing his children through flaming hoops but just before he used a bow and arrow to shoot various pieces of fruit off of the top of their angelic heads.

Labels: Jason Richardson, Phoenix Suns, Steve Kerr, unspeakable evil

Note: The steaming portrait of man love displayed above was provided by J Men.

Darko Milicic: I was a little late getting to last night's games, and when I finally got to the computer I had two Darko-related emails. The first, from Brian S., said: "One minute, 24 seconds into the game, WHILE THE ANNOUNCERS ARE SAYING HOW WELL HE GUARDS YAO, Darko has committed 2 fouls and is now out of the game. He can't even do well during the 1 minute and 24 seconds people are talking nicely about him." This was almost immediately followed by a very excited email from Quinton A., which said: "DUDE!!!! MILICIC!!!! JERSEY!!!! Just coming out of halftime, Darko picked up his fourth foul gaurding Yao, which he responded to by promptly getting a tech then going to the bench and ripping his jersey straight down the middle, Serbian Superman style." Oh yes he most certainly did.


Darko finished with 5 points, 5 rebounds, 5 fouls, and two jersey halves in 10 minutes. Although Victor correctly pointed out that: "Poor Darko. That's 15 and 15 if you extrapolate to 30 minutes!" He only needed more time. Alas. Also, Trev provided the following graphic, which he found on SpursTalk.com: The Incredible Darko. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Or, frankly, any other time.


The Houston Rockets: They were down 32-19 after one quarter. To the Memphis Grizzlies. From that point forward, it was an uphill battle...which they lost, mostly on the defensive end, where they gave up 51 percent shooting and 109 points while forcing only 6 turnovers (only one more than Dwyane Wade had by himself against the Bobcats).

Said Rockets coach Rick Adelman: "They were the aggressors all the way. They got the rebounds and got to the basket. They just outworked us. They came out much more aggressive to start the game." True enough.

Mind you, there were some circumstances. Ron Artest missed the game with a sore right foot. Tracy McGrady, of course, is still out with that sore left knee. Oh, and Brent Barry was in civvies due to a right leg injury. In total, the Rockets had only 10 players in uniform...including Steve Francis, who hasn't played all year but still managed to have his picture taken last night. Here it is:

Steve Francis: More jerseys chewed on (1) than minutes played (0) this season.
Luther Head: With all the missing peeps, Head got what was, for him, some extended PT last night (24 minutes). His response: 2 points on 1-for-8 shooting, an assist and a foul. Oh, and one of his shots was stuffed. Glad to see you making the most of the opportunity, Luther.

Jason Richardson: He led his team with 24 points and hit four of his five three-point attempts. Here's the "but": He missed two free throws that would have tied the game with 32.3 seconds left. Said J-Rich: "Anything could have happened had I made those free throws." True. Sort of like how I could be playing in the NBA right now...if I was Dwyane Wade. Or, to be fair, even if I was Mark Blount (who was 0-for-1 and finished with a rebound in just under three minutes of lack-tion last night).

I should also point out that, late in the game, with his team in the midst of six straight misses, Yakhouba Diawara covered Richardson like a 10-ton blanket, forcing him into an uuuuugly shot as the shot clock buzzed. And, uh, it didn't go in.

Emeka Okafor: Toll the bells! Throw some confetti! Emeka registered his 7th assist of the season last night! The numbers now read: 21 games started, 712 minutes played, 172 field goals attempted, 90 free throws attempted, 43 turnovers committed and 7 assists dished out. And, according to Basketball-Reference.com, Okafor easily has the fewest assists of any player who has logged at least 600 minutes this season. The next guy is Luc Mbah a Moute Jean Luc Richard, who has 20 assists in 602 minutes. He also has the lowest Assist Percentage -- which measures the percentage of teammate field goals assisted while on the court -- by a lot: Okafor is at 1.9 percent and the next guy, Udonis Haslem, is at 5.2 percent. (Haslem has 24 assists in 740 minutes.)

And Yinka Dare's soul rests peacefully.

Update! In the spirit of dissing Emeka, Murcy nominated last night's posterization by Dwyane Wade. Initially, I left this out because D-Wade has been posterizing the entire league lately. However, I changed my mind both because of how helpless Okafor looked during the play and because Murcy knows how to rock the pirate hook.


Daequan Cook: Got this email from Tom of Clutch City Hoops: "Daequan Cook: nine trillion. Killed my fantasy team." I don't know what mystifies me more: How Cook managed to do nothing in nine minutes of PT or why Tom has Daequan on his fantasy team.

Michael Beasley: My preseason pick for ROY had his second straight single-figure scoring game with 9 points on 4-for-13 shooting to go along with 6 rebounds and an assist. My contention that the Bulls should have taken Beasley over Rose is looking more laughable by the game. Speaking of Rose...

Derrick Rose: He didn't play yesterday (the Bulls had no game) and, in fact, he didn't practice either. Why, you ask? Because, as many of you have pointed out in comments, emails, and smoke signals, Rose cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Anyway, I will soon be adding this to my comprehensive list of stupid basketball injuries. I'm thinking it could be a Top 5er. Easily. Without question.

The Klahma City Thunder: Holy rusted metal, Batman. The Golden State Warriors, losers of nine straight games, stumbled into the Thunder's home arena without their two leading scorers -- Stephen Jackson (20.1 PPG) and Corey Maggette (19.1) both sat out with injuries -- and it didn't matter. They won anyway. The Thunder are just that bad. The Warriors played eight guys, seven of which scored in double figures...and the eighth guy, Ronny Turiaf, finished with 9. The Thunder were down by as many as 21 in the second quarter and by 19 at halftime. They tried to rally, but of course that rally came up short. Kevin Durant, who played great (41 points, 10 rebounds) against the Warriors non-defense, said: "In this league, when you get down by 20 it's hard to come back." Wow! His basketball IQ is off the charts!

Meanwhile, Golden State's sad season was best summed up by Don Nelson, who had this to say after his team beat the 2-20 Thunder: "We didn't win the world championship but it sure felt like it." And that's what we call "lowered expectations," folks.

Animal stylin': Basketbawful reader Josh wrote in about Dwight Howard using what will soon become a Word of the Day: "Dwight Howard sent the Los Angeles Clippers home with another L tonight courtesy of one of his patented "Double-Double Animal Styles": 23 points, 22 boards and for the F of it he tossed in 6 blocked shots. He's starting to make this routine..." You heard it here first, people. 20/20 aren't just MAN-type games, anymore. They're Animal Styles! Rowr! Speaking of the Clips...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Meh. They are who we thought they were.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba forced his daughters to sing a self-penned song until their little voices were hoarse and raspy. The lyrics? "Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE! Gotta BE gotta BE Ko-BE! Ko-BE, if I could BE Ko-BE!"

Labels: Darko, Emeka Okafor, fan submissions, Houston Rockets, Jason Richardson, Oklahoma City Thunder, Steve Francis, Worst of the Night

Here's a funny prank Charles Barkley pulled on teammate Manute Bol back when they played together on the Philadelphia 76ers. I don't want to ruin the shocking ending, so just watch it. And laugh. Update! I missed this the first time around, but Ben Q. Rock (of Third Quarter Collapse) pointed out something that should have been obvious: "Charles grabs his man region with disturbing frequency." Wow. He really does.


This isn't Barkley related, but I'm including it anyway: Last year, Jason Richardson filled former teammate Patrick O'Bryant's car with popcorn. You can tell Patrick was, you know, less than happy about it...but what's a rookie going to do? Other than go home and cry, that is.

Labels: Charles Barkley, Jason Richardson, Manute Bol, Patrick O'Bryant, practical jokes, rookie hazing

To be a Bobcat is to be unhappy.
Chicago Bulls: The good news: The Bulls ended an eight-game losing streak this weekend. The bad news: It was the Knicks' losing streak, not theirs. What a travesty. According to the NBA.com box score, the only Bulls player with a positive +/- score was Chris Duhon (+4). Ben Gordan and Joe Smith tied for a team-worst +/- score of –12. On the other side, Stephon Marbury led the Knicks with a +/- score of +10. I don't necessarily understand these stats, but I'm pretty sure they mean the Bulls suck. Anyway, the Bulls followed up that sucktastic performance with a 93-78 loss to the Raptors in which they scored a season-low 14 points in the fourth quarter. The Bulls quote of the weekend comes from Ben Wallace, the team's high-paid but under-performing center: "We've just got to find a way out [of losing]. We better or I'm going to lose my daggone mind."

Fun fact: The Knicks average a league-worst 2.8 BPG. "Big man" Zach Randolph has 1 block on the season. Shooting guard Jamal Crawford (6'5") has 6.

Dallas Mavericks: Like the Bulls, the Mavs went 0-for-the-weekend, thanks to stinktacular losses to the Pacers and Bucks. Against the Pacers, Devin Harris, Dirk Nowitzki, and Jason Terry combined to shoot 15-40. That trio shot better against the Bucks, but the team continued its disturbing trend of going down by double-digits and then trying to rally back at the end of the game. It didn't happen, though; they lost 97-95. But here’s what’s interesting: Take a look at results of the six offensive possessions the Mavs had in the final minute of the game.

Terry: Missed jump shot.
Terry: Made three-pointer.
Terry: Made jump shot.
Terry: Missed three-pointer.
Nowitzki: Missed three-pointer.
Terry: Made three-pointer.

So the reigning league MVP gets one shot in crunch time, but the team's sixth man gets five? Seriously? That either says something about Avery Johnson as a coach or Dirk Nowitzki as a player, and neither is a good thing.

Los Angeles Lakers: The 7-3 Lakers sure looked a lot better than the 7-6 Lakers. Just when it looked L.A. might have established a team identity, they lose three in a row and go 0-for-the-weekend against the Celtics and Nets. The near future doesn't get any brighter for the Lakers; they get a gimme game against the Sonics, but then they have to face the Nuggets, Jazz, and Magic. In other words, the Lakers' record will probably fall below .500 by next week.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Let's see: 0-for-the-weekend, 1-10 for the season, and Antoine "Fatty" Walker -- 24 points (9-17), 5 rebounds, 3 assists -- was their top performer against the Nuggets. It's a good thing that Kevin McHale looks like Frankenstein's monster. That way, it won't look that strange when the people of Minneapolis run him out of town with pitchforks and torches.

Fun fact: The Kings, Knicks, Timberwolves, and Trailblazers are a combined 0-24 on the road.

Washington Wizards: I knew Gilbert Arenas the Wizards' best and most important player, but I didn’t know he was their lynchpin on defense. The Wiz gave up 123 and 124 points in back-to-back losses to the Warriors and Grizzlies. The Warriors shot 51 percent and the Grizzlies shot 52 percent. The Wizards were never good on defense, but they weren't that bad were they? From this point forward, I shall refer to them as the Washington Wizars: No "d."

Fun fact: Against the Grizzlies, Antawn Jamison scored 41 points (18-22). But he had zero assists. On the weekend, he took 41 shots and dished one lonely assist.

Jason Richardson: The Bobcats came within 4.7 seconds of beating the Celtics on Saturday, but Richardson couldn't do something as simple as inbounding the ball. Eddie House knocked away Richardson's errant pass and Ray Allen -- who had missed 11 of his last 14 shots -- hit a three-pointer at the buzzer to add another chapter to the Bobcats' misery. After the game, Richardson had this to say: "We handed them the game. Stupid turnover on my behalf. I lost this game for my teammates." Pretty much, yeah.

Mike Dunleavy: In the Clippers' Friday night game against the Suns, Sam Cassell single-handedly kept his team in the game by scoring 26 points (9-16) through three quarters. Then Dunleavy took Cassell out and never put him back in. As a sidenote, the Suns won going away, 113-94. Said Dunleavy: "[Cassell] played great, but when they jumped out on us, we play tomorrow night in back-to-back games, I just felt like I didn't want to take any more of his legs." So you "saved" Cassell's legs for a 10-point (3-10), 5 turnover performance in a 98-89 loss to the Hornets? Good call, coach.

Fun fact: The Golden State Warriors are 4-3 on the road...and 1-4 at home. Hey, weren't they supposed to have that wicked-awesome homecourt advantage? In other news, the Hornets are 7-2 on the road but only 3-3 at home, the Nets are 4-2 on the road but only 3-5 at home, and the Raptors are 4-3 on the road but only 3-4 at home. What is this, roadcourt advantage?

Pat Riley: Riles got his coaching ass politely handed to him by Stan Van Gundy, the man he stabbed in the back, as the Magic blasted the Heat 120-99. The season standings? Orlando is 12-3, the Heat are 3-10.

Marcus Banks: Remember a couple years ago when the Suns signed Marcus Banks to a five-year, $21 million contract? Man, they were excited about that. David Griffin, the Suns' vice president of basketball operations, said, "Every facet of his game is improved, and at 24 years of age, we feel like he's just starting to scratch the surface of what he can do in terms of his talent level, and his fit with our system is just spectacular." Uh huh. Banks is playing 11 MPG and averaging just over 4 PPG. His stat line for the weekend: 4 minutes, 2 personal fouls.

Kevin Durant: Friday night, he scored 12 points on 4-12 shooting. Sunday night, he had what might have been his best game of the season -- 25 points (11-17), 6 rebounds, and 4 assists -- but the Sonics still got blown out by the Spurs. Sometimes you can't win for losing, or can't lose for winning. Or whatever.

Fun fact: Seattle is 2-6 on the road. And 0-6 at home.

Kobe Bryant: While some people will look at his final line (31 points, 3 rebounds, 7 assists) and insist that he had a good game against the Nets, he really didn't. He started out 3-16 from before finishing 7-21, didn't score a basket in the second and third quarters, and missed a clutch freethrow with six seconds left in the game. In the end, the Lakers coughed up a 102-100 home loss to the Nets. But it wasn't all Kobe's fault. You can also blame...

Vladimir Radmanovic: How bad was Vlad the Impaler against the Nets? Try 0-10 from the field, including 0-7 from beyond the arc. He also missed one of his two freethrows and committed three turnovers.

Fun fact: Jason Kidd is averaging 8.5 RPG. That’s more than Lebron James (8.1), Chris Bosh (8.0), LaMarcus Aldridge (7.9), Ben Wallace (7.6), Brad Miller (7.6), and Shaq (7.5).

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Jason Richardson, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pat Riley, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

The 2007 NBA Playoffs have forced almost daily updates to my "Dead To Me" list. Here's the current listing:

10. Reed Richards and Tony Stark
9. Seventeen-year cicadas
8. People who misuse ellipsis points
7. I-290 East (prior to the Austin Blvd. exit)
6. Hugh Jackman
5. Linear algebra
4. Kobe Bryant*
3. StubHub
2. Stu Jackson
1. San Antonio Spurs

*This is the first time Kobe's been out of the top 3 since the fall of 2001.

So...what have the NBA playoffs taught us so far? That it's okay to sweep a leg (Bruce Bowen), knee an opponent in the frigamajig (Bowen again), mash somebody's face with an elbow (Baron Davis), and clothesline a guy nearly to death (Jason Richardson) -- none of those plays resulted in a suspension (and lest anyone forget, Kobe Bryant got suspended this season, twice, for doing less). It is not okay, however, to step over a painted line after somebody shoulder-tackles your two-time MVP teammate into the scorer's table. Way to maintain order, David Stern!

This is a textbook example of traveshamockery. A roleplayer from one team thugs the best player on the opposing team, and the team that gets punished is the one that was victimized in the first place. NBA executive vice president of basketball operations Stu Jackson had the audacity to say, ""It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness."

Really, Stu? Is that right?

Here's what I want to know. How is the "can't leave the bench" edict the only true zero tolerance rule in the NBA? Everything other rule is open to some manner of interpretation. If a player charges into the stands after an abusive fan, he might get suspended 11 games (Vernon Maxwell), 73 games (Ron Artest), or only 1 game (Antonio Davis). If a player punches somebody, he might get suspended for five games, or he might get 25. Every situation is unique and must therefore be judged on its own merit. I mean, referees are forced to make judgement calls all the time on what consitutes a hand-check, a travelling violation, a charge, a flagrant foul, and so on. Why can't there be a judgement call in this type of situation? There's also supposed to be a zero tolerance policy for post-whistle complaining, but players bitch and moan about fouls (and non-fouls) all the time. The fact is, NBA officials have always been able to pick and choose how and when they enforce the rules.

But that's all beside the point. "Zero tolerance" rules are designed by people in positions of power who want to absolve themselves of the need to use logic or wisdom. They can always fall back on this excuse to disarm their critics. The granddaddy of all zero tolerance rules is that the referee is always right, but when Joey Crawford threw Tim Duncan out of a game for laughing at his calls from the bench, the league decided that Crawford needed to be punished for his behavior. Apologists for the NBA can say that Crawford was punished because he asked if Duncan wanted to fight, but asking "Do you want to fight?" is the lamest of aggressive things ever said on a basketball court, even by officials. Crawford was punished because, against all reason, he chose to eject one of a team's critical players during one of the league's critical matchups. And now the NBA is doing the exact same thing.

This is not a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for the NBA. The following would be a completely legitimate statement by Commissioner Stern regarding this incident:

"In light of the fact that there were no punches thrown and that this incident began as a result of aggressive action taken by the Spurs, I consider it more prudent to follow the spirit of the law. Following the letter of the law in this case would create a very high incentive for teams to send thugs onto the floor to fight in an effort to get opposing benches suspended. I cannot in good conscience allow such a precedent by rewarding bad behavior. In a related story, Robert Horry has been suspended for the next Spurs/Suns game."

That didn't happen though, and it won't. And in the meantime, the Spurs have become the new Bad Boys. They've very quietly played rough and dirty for years, to the point where their behavior is now an irrevocable part of the institution. Trying to combat their tactics is like trying to stop a tank by blowing on it with a straw. You can't talk about it without being labeled a whiner, you can't react without being punished, and you can't count on the league to protect you.

You know what I'd like to see? Retribution. If I was coach Mike D'Antoni, I'd send Pat Burke into the game and instruct him to guard Duncan. I'd tell Burke to do his best Bill Laimbeer impersonation and pull every dirty trick in the book. I'd have him grab, hold, and trip. I'd tell him to step on Duncan's feet and undercut him at every opportunity. Then I'd tell him to deliver five of the hardest possible fouls whenever it looked like Duncan might shoot the ball. Then, for foul number six, I'd order Burke to level Duncan. Just drop him to the floor. Let's see whether any of the Spurs lose their cool and jump off the bench. I'm sure the Phoenix players would be more than happy to donate the money needed to pay Burke's fines.

Would that be a petty, rotten, dirty thing to do? Maybe. But it's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness.

[Many thanks to Evil Ted for his contributions.]

Labels: Baron Davis, Bruce Bowen, Jason Richardson, NBA playoffs, Phoenix Suns, rules, San Antonio Spurs, Stu Jackson, Tim Duncan