Ever since Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade and LeBron James made The Group Decision to take their talents to South Beach -- which totally wasn't collusion in any way -- almost everybody outside of South Beach has been taking pot shots at the three of them and the Miami Heat organization.

Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy suggested that Bosh was acting like Wade's bitch ("Well, he's been following him around for two weeks like his lapdog.") while Magic GM Otis Smith openly questioned the existence of LeBron's testicles ("I thought he was, I guess, more of a competitor.")

The Super Friends even got busted on by NBA legends like Charles Barkley ("I thought that his little one-hour special was a punk move. I thought them dancing around on the stage was a punk move, and I thought he should've stayed in Cleveland. Him joining Dwyane Wade's team was very disappointing to me."), Magic Johnson ("We didn't think about [joining forces] cause that's not what we were about. From college, I was trying to figure out how to beat Larry Bird."), Larry Bird ("I remember back in my days, I'd rather play against Earvin Johnson than play with him.") and Michael Jordan ("There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry [Bird], called up Magic [Johnson] and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team.'").

Of course, Barkley twice jumped ship (from Philly to Phoenix to Houston) for better championship opportunities, while Magic (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, James Worthy, Byron Scott, etc.), Bird (Kevin McHale, Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson, etc.) and Jordan (Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, coach Phil Jackson, etc.) had their fair share of legendary sidekicks.

Anyway, Pat Riley is feeling a little pissy about all the judgement:

"I take a little umbrage to some of the things that came from people in our game who, all of a sudden, have become the moral conscious or moral authority on the decision of every team or some individual might make," Riley said Friday during a conference call with South Florida writers. "I know one thing: Our team will be ready. And I think that's the way we can answer all the critics."

"Charles Barkley, to me, went way, way, way over the top taking these personal attacks. Calling these guys a bunch of punks is a personal attack," Riley said. "For him to say that is wrong."

"I thought that (what Smith said) was an absolutely stupid remark. He never made any kind of comment like that when he signed Rashard Lewis and brought him from Seattle (in 2007) with a $128 million contract," Riley said.

Mind you, during the 1984 NBA Finals, Riley referred to McHale and the Celtics as "thugs." He also gave Jackson the rasberries during the Knicks-Bulls rivalry. Ditto for Jeff Van Gundy during the Heat-Knicks rivalry. And we all know about how he stabbed Stan Van Gundy in the back in taking over Miami's coaching job a few years back. So I'm not sure why he's casting stones now. Neither does Van Gundy:

"I thought it was pretty typical. I was kind of amused by it, especially reading down through the interview," Van Gundy said. "He goes into Charles Barkley, me and Otis and then says he doesn't worry about what people say. Wait, you called the press conference, you went off and everybody and you don't care what people say? Clearly, he cares a great deal about what people say. I was laughing when I saw that."

"Pat's thing calling Otis' remarks stupid, I don't think they were any different than what several ex-players who played when Otis did had to say. They looked at the game differently back then and backed up what we said," Van Gundy said. "The position LeBron and Bosh took isn’t necessarily wrong, but it's different from what (Michael) Jordan, Magic (Johnson) and Larry Bird would have done. Otis was a part of that generation -- he wasn't at that level -- but that's the way those players looked at (James and Bosh going to Miami). Those (former players) wouldn't have tried to team up. So what Otis said wasn't a stupid remark. Unless of course you have a different opinion than Pat, then apparently it's stupid."

"Whether it's appropriate to do it or not (to pass judgments) is another issue, but if it's OK for Pat to do it he shouldn't be judging other people," Van Gundy said. "Pat was upset that he and his guys have gotten some criticism and he's sensitive and the funniest part of the whole thing is him saying he doesn’t worry about what people say. My question is then, 'Why did you go and call your own press conference?'"

"Pat getting onto people for making moral judgments made me laugh," Van Gundy continued. "I was with Pat when we had all of those Knicks series and he had no problem making moral judgments on my brother. What I read into that was that I guess Pat is the only one allowed to make those moral judgments and the rest of us can't do that. I guess we didn't realize that Pat's the only allowed to do that."

Wow. I haven't seen bickering like this since watching two teenage girls get into a slapfight over the last Twilight hoodie at Spencer's.

Labels: Pat Riley, Stan Van Gundy

Donyell Marshall's wardrobe malfunction: Marshall amused his teammates and horrified fans in attendance when he took off both his warm-up shirt and jersey while subbing into a game. Good times. Now watch Lebron go absolutely bonkers over it. I mean, sweet breakdancing Jesus, he was laughing so hard you'd think that Marshall had just gotten a pie in the face and then slipped comically on a banana peel.


Reggie Miller invents a word: On January 31, 2008, Miller coined a term during the third quarter of the Suns' 84-81 loss to the Spurs. After Manu Ginobili dropped Raja Bell with a cruel nutshot, Miller said: "It looks like it's an inadvertent...inadvertent shot...to the man...region." Marv Albert quickly jumped in and tried to amend Reggie's totally sweet new term to the much more boring "groin area." What a wet blanket.

Kobe Bryant has a career lowlight: Mamba scored 39 points (a team high) and grabbed 10 boards (another team high) in a 90-89 loss to the Detroit Pistons. Brilliant game, right? Sure, if you overlook his severe case of fumbleitis. For much of the game, Kobe handled the rock like somebody had replaced his hands with two honeybaked hams. He coughed up the ball a career-high 11 times -- 7 of which came in the first half -- on his way to his first career triple bumble. He also unleashed some of his trademark "subtle" criticism of his teammates: "What are you going to do when guys are open? If I catch the ball, what am I going to do, go one on three? We made the right play, we just didn't complete it." I ran this one through the Kobe-to-English translator in my Batcomputer, and apparently that comment means, "Hey, not my fault. Go talk to Lamar. He airballed the final shot." But this also begs the question: When has Kobe ever shied away from going one-on-three?

Christmas comes early for the Lakers: You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach the moment you you realize something disastrous just happened? Well, we had that feeling for a full weekend after the Grizzlies traded Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown. Did Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace accidentally click "accept" in his Yahoo Fantasy NBA Trade Manager? The world may never know. Needless to say, the Lakers made off like bandits, but what did Memphis gain from this? An expiring contract, a backup point guard, a slow-footed low-jumping center, and two bench players to be named later. Thank goodness that Kevin McHale saved him by handing over O.J. Mayo (and, er, Antoine Walker...).

The Phoenix Suns trade machine: With the best record in the Western Conference, the Suns become a statistic in the tsunami of 2007-08 panic trades, getting The Big No-Longer-Sherrif-in-Maricopa-County Shaq for Marcus Banks's bloated contract and an inexplicably disgruntled Shawn Marion. Result: limping into the playoffs as a 6th seed and a quick first round exit. [Submitted and written by anacondahl.]

The trade didn't quite work out how Kerr and the Kool-Aid drinking faithful (myself included) had hoped. Instead of finally slipping on that elusive championship ring, the Suns were bounced in the first round by you guessed it, the Spurs, and are now left with the lyrical stylings and massive contract of the one and only Big Cactus. [Submitted and written by Mark of Black Jesus Disciples.]

For knifing fans of the game by trying to become Spurs II. [Submitted and written by jaz.]

And finally, from Brandon of Ballerblogger: "If it works, I'm a genius," Kerr said. "If it doesn't, I'm a moron, I guess." - Steve Kerr

Bonus quote: "In my experience, it takes two or three years to get a group of guys together that could possibly get it done,” O’Neal said. “When I was in Orlando, we had a group of guys who couldn’t get it there, and we added the piece in Horace Grant and it took us over the top. I think I was the piece that they (the Suns) were missing. Next year, we’ll have a full season, and things look pretty good."

"Over the top?" Is he referring to his win over the Birmingham Baron Bulls in 1995? Or the toal humiliation he suffered at the hands of Hakeem Olajuwon in the next round?

Extra info that you might find interesting: Kerr and company brought O'Neal in to be a force defensively. Tim Duncan averaged 25 points, 14 rebounds, 3 assists, 2 blocks, and shot 50% from the floor in San Antonio's 4-1 first round victory.

Shaq's First Round Stats: 15 points, 9 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 blocks, 44% from the field, 50% from the free throw line. Marion's #'s against San Antonio in 2006-2007: 16 points, 11 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 blocks, 52% from the field, 47% from the 3-point line, 71% from the free throw line.

And let's not forget that O'Neal has two years ($40 million) left on his contract, while Marion's deal expires after the coming season. The Matrix's deal will either come off the books and Miami will have $17 million in cap space. Or they'll trade his expiring contract for young talent.

Update! Shawn Marion's wish is granted: Despite the fact that he was the highest paid player on a team that included both Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire and was a legitimate championship contender, Shawn Marion wanted out, out, out. Despite being the team's biggest money maker and second-leading shot getter, Shawn felt unloved and disrespected by Robert Sarver, Mike D'Antoni, his teammates, the ballboys, fans and the media. Did I miss anybody? Oh yeah, he didn't get the endorsements he deserved, either. The previous season, during an interview for ESPN the Magazine, he was asked if he'd rather be an MVP candidate and a 30-point scorer on a lesser team than hooping it up alongside Nash and Stoudemire. Here's what he said: "Wow, that's interesting. I've never been asked that. That would be an interesting situation to be in, to really show people what I can do. [Pause] But we'd be in the playoffs, right?"

Then, before the next season could even start, apparently angered by hearing his name mentioned in trade rumors, Marion demanded a one-way ticket out of The Valley of the Sun...even suggesting a deal with the hated Lakers. And this is what the drama king had to say: "Sometimes, it's just time, and it's time to go. It's been like a nightmare. It hurts me making this phone call. It's hurting me in my stomach. I'll do what I've got to do. I'm a professional. I'm not bitter. I love the fans but I've got to take care of me."

Nothing happened at the time; Marion shut his mouth and played, and Suns fans watched and waited for the inevitable move. And then it came: Shaq arrived in Phoenix and Marion was shipped to Miami to play for what would end up being a 15-win team. He ended up averaging 14 PPG and 11 RPG in 29 games with Miami before shutting it down for the season due to Pat Riley wanting his team to tank a cryptic back ailment. And now it looks like he'll be on the move again, with the greatest liklihood being that -- if he is moved -- he'll wind up playing for a non-contender and performing well below his ceiling with the Suns. Congratulations, Shawn. I hope the weather is nice in NBA Hell.

Isiah continues to lose his grip on reality, Part 17: With his team squatting on a 14-35 record -- the fourth-worst mark in the league -- and in the midst of a seven-game losing streak, the Baby-faced Assassin claims the Knicks are improving. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." And that, my friends, is what we like to call denial.

T-Mac's All-Star Game hooky: The man simply did not want to play.

Allen Iverson waxes poetic regarding his ink: In an interview about his tattoos, The Answer said, "I put shit on my body that means something to me." He puts shit on his body?

Brad Miller versus Brian Cardinal: The two former Boilermaker teammates face each other on the court. Hilarity ensues.

Devean George blocks Mark Cuban's cock: This was something nobody could have seen coming. The Mavericks pull off a blockbuster trade for prodigal son Jason Kidd, only to have the deal blocked by one Devean Jamar George. George had a "virtual no-trade clause" that allowed him to reject the trade because he's on a one-year contract and would lose his "Early Bird" rights. That's a stipulation that would allow Dallas -- and only Dallas -- to go over the salary cap to sign him. Basically, it would maximize his money should Mark Cuban decide, after the season, that he wants to go balls out to sign George to another, more lucrative contract. Yeah. Not gonna happen. But he may get signed by the Celtics?! Because, yeah, he's the next best thing to James Posey...

D-Wade has skillz (but not really): The NBA All-Star Skills Challenge turned into a somewhat exciting battle of one-upsmanship between two emerging superstar point guards, with Deron Williams setting a new even record (25.5 seconds) to upset Chris Paul in the finals. However, Jason Kidd and Dwyane Wade just embarrassed themselves. Kidd's woeful lack of shooting touch was on display when he clunked all five three-point attempts and got tossed after round one with a time of 39.7 seconds. Wade, though...Wade had a full-on ego-ectomy. After electing not to even practice the course, the two-time defending Skills Competition champion lost his dribble out of bounds, botched four straight jumpers before just giving up and flinging the fifth at the hoop, and then missed two layups before ending the round with a score of 53.9 seconds...a time even Stephen Hawking could have beaten. [Nominated by dumbgenius.]

Steve Nash doesn't give a @#$%&! about the three-point contest: Nash admitted before the Three-Point Shootout that the only reason he was taking part in the event was because the Collective Bargaining Agreement says he has to. (Said Nash: "They hold me to it every year.") So naturally he went out and performed like a man who didn't care and wanted it to all be over as quickly as possible, hitting only eight of 25 shots and scoring a lowly nine points. Maybe that'll teach David Stern not to force unwilling former MVPs to compete in meaningless contests they couldn't care less about.

Dirk gives a @#$%&! about it, but fails: He was a late addition to the Three-point Shootout because of Kobe's tender mangina sore pinkie finger...but Dirk was shooting 29 percent from three at the time. So why'd they add him? Star power, baby! But not quite enough. He failed early and often.

Reggie Miller says "titty" on national TV: Oh yes he did.


The Knicks redefine "team unity": During a timeout, Zach Randolph threw a cup of water at Nate Robinson. Nate then threw a towel at Zach. In other words, it was just another night at the office for Team Dysfunction. Rather than disciplining his players, coach Isiah Thomas praised their "feistiness" and "nastiness," which is kind of like praising your crazy ex-girlfriend's "passion" after she burns down your apartment building. Amazingly, the Knicks transformed their malaise into a 113-100 overtime win, proving that, at least once in a while, insanity works. Reactions below. [Nominated by karma.]


Danny Ferry's "blockbuster" trade: I'm pretty sure this trade was not what LeBron James had in mind when he asked for more help. Kobe threw a hissy fit and got Pau Gasol, while LeBron played the good soldier and got Ben Wallace, Joe Smith, Wally Szczerbiak, and Delonte West. Doesn't give King James much of an incentive to play nice next time, does it? I've heard that the deal was a "win now" move for Danny Ferry and the Cavs. Win now? In the D-League, maybe.

John Paxson's "blockbuster" trade: Well, he got rid of Ben Wallace...for Larry Hughes. Oh dear God.

Greg Oden's hair adventure: In a turn of events only slightly less devastating than his season-ending knee surgery, Greg Oden now has gets a frohawk. Or maybe the frohawk has him. I'm hoping Steve Blake follows suit and sports a Red Rooster.

Candace Parker's career move: Candace Parker announces that she will leave college early to play in the WNBA! So she should be making six figures for, oh, about five seasons. I hope she invests wisely.

Anthony Parker praises the Knicks: He had some...interesting things to say after his team lost to the Knicks: "I don't think you can look at their record and say, 'Oh, it’s a bad team.' I think they’'e shown they can go into D.C. and get a win. They are capable of going into Philly and getting beaten pretty badly. They've got a lot of talent and a lot of options. I think they played well tonight." I don't know about you, but I can look at a 17-win team and say TThat's a bad team." I can even say, "They're a very bad team." In fact, I can say "They're a crap-coated poopsicle" and not feel as though I've overstated things.

The worst basketball possession of all time: Thank you, Zach Randolph. [Nominated by pretty much everybody, link from sun devil.] Update! It has been suggested that I undersold this entry. So let me recap it for you:

1. Randolph, New York's titular big man, receives the ball outside of the three-point line. This is the point where you would expect ball rotation...from any team not called "The Knicks."

2. He attempts to break down his defender by dribbling the hell out of the ball, sort of like Isiah Thomas circa 1989, only without the mad handles. I promise you that a small piece of Hubie Brown's soul died that night.

3. He totally loses the rock like a retarded child trying to use the freestyle control on NBA Live during a seizure and has to run almost out to halfcourt to retrieve it. For the record, this is what happened to me back when I was using Austin Croshere (then with the Pacers) while playing NBA Live 2004. It's like the programmers thought Croshere was born with rusty coat hangers for hands.

4. Then, instead of passing the ball to a teammate, he shambles to the arc and launches an airball...with seven seconds left on the shot clock!

The best part is when the camera pans to Isiah, who looks about ready to choke a bitch. Can you imagine what would have happened to Scott Hastings if he'd ever pulled something like that when he was on those Bad Boy Pistons teams? I promise you he'd still be digging atomic wedgie out of his butt crack.


More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part I: A woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

The Spurs' first quarter explosion: On February 25, 2008, the defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session. Of course, they were playing the Atlanta Hawks, so they won anyway.

Ron Artest gets quote-tastic: Regarding a proposed trade to the Denver Nuggets that fell through, Ron-Ron said: "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft." Awesome.

Pat Riley gets quote-tastic: The Heat end an 11-game losing streak and Riles gives us a classic quote: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

More personnel problems for the Pacers, Part II: According to the AP game recap, "Pacers F Shawne Williams (personal reasons) left at halftime and didn’t return." Well, here are those reasons: "A man wanted for murder in Memphis, Tenn., was arrested Wednesday night after leaving the home of Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams on the Northeastside, according to Indianapolis metropolitan police." It doesn't get much more "personal" than harboring a murdering fugitive from justice, does it. For his part, Williams said, "I feel like I let my organization (and) my teammates down, along with the Simon brothers (team owners Mel and Herb) and my family." Williams also said that he "wasn't very close" with Rollins, and would be more careful in the future. Mind you, this incident came only a few days after a woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home (though not by Daniels) during a "small gathering." Man, the Pacers really need to start making better friends.

'Toine's "passport problems": Basketbawful reader Jochem de Graas was quick to pick up on the rather laughable pretext for Employee #8's absence from the Timberwolve's matchup against the Raptors: "The reason Antoine Walker didn't play last night: Minnesota forward Antoine Walker didn't travel to Toronto because of what Wittman called 'a passport problem.' On the bottom under game notes. That's more creative then flu-like symptons." True enough, Jochem. If the NBA ever expands to Europe, I predict that "passport problems" will become the new "flu-like symptoms." You heard it here first, folks.

Labels: blockbuster trades, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, NBA Worsties, Pat Riley, Phoenix Suns, Shaq

Chris Webber's retirement: Watching him shuffle up and down the court for only nine games and then disappear indefinitely when his troublesome left knee started acting up again sure made it seem like this was The End, but now it's officially official: Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III has retired from the NBA. I'm not going to say that Webber was one of the greatest power forwards of all time -- in my book, he's way down the list behind guys like Karl Malone, Tim Duncan, Kevin McHale, Charles Barkley, and Bob Pettit, just to name a few -- nor am I going to discuss his stats (20.7 PPG, 9.8 RPG, 4.2 APG in 15 seasons) or his accomplishments (Rookie of the Year, five All-Star appearances, four inclusions on the All-NBA First or Second Team). But he was, without question, a fantastic player who enjoyed a long and dramatic career.

More than that, though, he was special to me in a very real and personal sense. I got to watch him play twice during his final year at Michigan, and the beginning of his professional career just so happened to coincide with the halcyon days during which my NBA fanaticism and naiveté was probably at its peak. Basketball players were still like superheroes to me, and even plain old regular season games seemed to carry heavy meaning, not just in the standings but in the game of life (thanks in part to those theatrical intros Bob Costas did for The NBA on NBC). Some of my most treasured college memories involve sitting around my dorm room and watching games on a 13-inch TV with my roommate and best friend, and Chris Webber is part of those memories. We saw Webber throw down his behind-the-back dunk on Sir Charles as it happened, and we also watched it live when Barkley got his 56-point, 14-rebound revenge in the playoffs. The NBA was never more fun for me, either before or since.

So while I'm glad it's over -- because it was pretty obvious that Webber was finished -- I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss him: The hook shots, the passes, the drama. It kind of feels like another part of my youth just disappered forever.

Chris Webber's reason for retirement: In Webber's own words: "Rehab is so hard. So monotonous, so boring. I really didn't want to try to rehab and come back this season because I don't think that's possible." And doesn't that statement just sort of epitomize the most frustrating aspect of Webber's career? The idea that there was more there and he simply didn't have the heart and/or strength of will to make it happen. Maybe rehabbing the absolute living hell out of his knee wouldn't have changed anything, but mabye it would have...? But we'll never know. Just like we'll never know whether the 2001-02 Sacramento Kings might have won the title if only Webber wouldn't have gotten a case of the yips during all the close games. Sometimes playing The What If Game can be fun. But as it pertains to Webber and his career, it's just painful. And kind of depressing.

Phoenix Suns: How do you shoot 56 percent as a team and lose by 20? Well, you must 1. let your opponent shoot 52 percent, 2. get outrebounded 41-27 (including 17-4 on the offensive glass), and 3. commit 21 turnovers. Unfortunately for the Phoenix Suns, they did all three of those things, and they did it against the best team in the league. And the Celtics really don't give up that kind of margin of error.

Shaq versus Pat Riley: Ever notice how often Shaq always gets in these little Quote Feuds with former coaches and teammates? The latest War of the Words came after Shaq made the following statement about his new home in the Valley of the Sun: "I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again." Of course, these comments only served to depress old Sad Sack Riley. "It's sad that he says those things. We shared so much here, together, for three years, good and bad, 3 1/2 years. I just think it's sad that he's got to do that." Sadder than making Shaq spend his golden years playing alongside Ricky Davis and Mark Blount? I don't think so, Riles. When told of Riley's response, The Big Expletive-slinger said, "I don't give a shit how he interpreted it." After being reminded that the reporters couldn't use that quote because he cussed, Shaq said, "Sure you can. You can quote me, brother. You can put an 's,' then the tic-tac-toe, the 'at' sign and then the other symbols." He may no longer be the MDE, but he is and will always be the MQE (Most Quotable Ever).

Sam Cassell: He worked like hell all season to make it to Boston, and now...he's not playing so well. Sam-I-Am scored only 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting in only six minutes of PT last night. His field goal percentage has dropped from 45 percent to 33 percent since joining the Celtics, and his PER has plummetted from 16.9 to 4.8. Boston signed him to be a backup, and he says he's fine with it, but Cassell has always and will always work best as a big-minute player. So right now, his impact on the team is negligible at best.

Chicago Bulls: Ouch. I bet their prostate is pretty sore today.

Larry Hughes: The line: 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. I guess he's jealous of how poorly Wally Szczerbiak has been playing for the Cavs. After all, wrecking Cleveland's season has been his job the last couple years, and that has to be like watching somebody else not satisfy your ex-wife in bed, only he had really cool hair. Or something.

Drew Gooden: Remember all that smack Gooden was talking after Tuesday night's 31-point, 16-rebound performance against the Hawks? Well, here's a sample: "I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes. I believe that I can do it all.'' He also hinted that LeBron James had been holding him back in Cleveland. Well, one night later, Mr. "I can do it all" didn't do much of anything, scoring 2 points (0-for-5), grabbing 8 rebounds, and committing 3 turnovers against the 76ers. And that thud you just heard was Gooden crashing back down to earth.

Chris Paul's nicknaming skills: Last night, after David West hit a long jumper to bury the Cavaliers, Paul dubbed West "The 17-foot assassin." That nickname is both awesome and terrifying, for reasons I choose not to put into words. But if West is forced to retire early due to some catastrophic injury, it sounds like he has a pretty promising future in the porn industry.

John Hollinger: I can't let this go for some reason. As I keep repeating like an annoying broken record, Hollinger used his PER numbers to "prove" that the trade that brought Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, and Joe Smith to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. Last night, the big timers combined for 12 points (6-for-18), 8 rebounds, 5 assists, 6 turnovers, and 1 DNP-CD (for Wallace). And those numbers are pretty consistent with what we've seen out of that bunch since the trade. Not exactly big-time, is it?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: After losing to the Toronto Raptors, Billups had these things to say: "We're coming down the home stretch now, 11 games left. You want to start playing with some consistency. Our thing is not the division or the East. Our thing is the whole thing. That's the way we think." First off, it's usually a bad idea to wait until the last 11 games to start working on your consistency. Second, I'm all for thinking big, but looking past opponents has been one of the Pistons' biggest problems over the last couple seasons. You'd think their leader would want to address that, you know?

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they beat the Pistons (who were without Rip Hamilton), but what's up with putting T.J. Ford back into the starting lineup? The guy's been pouting and sulking for weeks. When did we start rewarding players for bad behavior? Uh, last night, I guess. Supposedly, Jose Calderon volunteered to return to the bench for the good of the team and coach Sam Mitchell allowed it. Frankly, I don't care that they won. This is a bad idea. Calderon is the best PG for this team, and Mitchell should have insisted he remain in the starting lineup. I don't see this ending well. But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

Miami versus New York: This was maybe the second-best game of the night, behind the Hornets/Cavs game. But on the other hand, seeing the Knicks struggle to end their seven-game home losing streak against a team that had to sign a mind-boggling eight D-Leaguers just to fill out their roster is kind of sad.

Tim Thomas: He went scoreless (0-for-4) in over 35 minutes of lack-tion. He is almost seven feet tall, right? Just checking.

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: After leading his team to victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, T-Mac let us in on the clutchtastic inner workings of his superstar mind: "The fourth quarter, usually the best player has got to step up and lead the team. I just couldn't afford for us to lose this game, so I had to impose my will on it." Okay, okay. Good stuff. But I'd save a little of that brain juice for the playoffs if I were you.

San Antonio Spurs: After seeing how Luis Scola has been playing lately -- he had 18 points and 18 rebounds last night -- do you think they ever feel a slight pang of regret? Because they should. They really should.

Sacramento Kings: They barely escaped with a 107-106 overtime victory over the Memphis Grizzlies. At home. I know they suffered a lot of injuries earlier this season, but everybody looks healthy to me. So what's the excuse now? [Insert "Any NBA team can beat any other NBA team" quote here.]

Los Angeles Lakers: This game looked like such a gimme on paper that I didn't think twice about it before I saw the final score: Bobcats 108, Lakers 95. And the game was played in L.A.? Holy Schnikies. Bad loss. It dropps the Lakers into a tie (with the Rockets and Spurs) for the second-best record in the Western Conference, one full game behind the New Orleans Hornets. And if you thought the Hornets would be leading the West this late in the season, you're a damn, dirty liar. Tell me Chris Paul doesn't deserve some serious MVP consideration.

Kobe Bryant: He got burned by Jason Richardson (34 points, 10 rebounds) and then got ejected late in the fourth quarter for bitching about a foul call. His league-leading technical foul total is now at 15...just one away from an automatic one-game suspension. Mind you, Mamba's two technicals came in a 29-second span of the fourth quarter after the game has been pretty much decided (the 'Cats were leading 100-86 with 3:40 to play). Kind of a pointless and careless thing to do, all things considered. Especially if he ends up with another technical and a suspension. The Lakers can't afford that right now. There's too much at stake.

Phil Jackson, quote machine: You can almost always count on Phil to spout a little gibberish after a game, especially when his team loses. Last night was no exception. "Well, I may look like I'm here to explain something, but I have nothing to explain. I can't explain it, so don't ask me any questions. It just looked like we were out of character, tremendously out of character, in more ways than one --irrational play at times, inconsistent at best, but just some poor judgments, poor decisions." When a reporter asked him about Kobe's ejection, he just smiled and left the interview room.

Update! Funny yet inexplicable headline: In a comment on my NBA Closer column, Brazil Thrill noted the following amusing headline ESPN ran for the Pacers/Nets game:


I mean, "Harris, Nets pour it on Pacers from several angles"? That sounds more than just vaguely suggestive, don't you think?

Update! Indiana Pacers: Basketbawful reader Carlo called me out on this omission, and he was right. "You forgot to mention how the Pacers let Josh Boone score 26 points against them. or how they let Vince grab 14 boards! Hell, you should mention how they let the NETS score 124 on them! And these guys are fighting for a playoff spot? Pathetic." Don't forget Devin Harris and his career-high 15 assists. Yeah. You're right. Pathetic. [Basketbawful sheds a tear for his home-state Pacers]

Update! Charlott's technical foul shooting: Basketbawful reader Wild Yams pointed the following out: "Speaking of technicals, the Bobcats technical FT shooting should probably get some mention, since they missed all three of them last night. I can't remember ever before seeing a team get three tech FTs only to miss them all." Jeez. I can't either. I mean, your best freethrower gets to shoot them, right? They didn't sign Chris Dudley to a 10-day contract did they?

Update! Andrew Bogut's "hive-five" party: I've seen some sad things in my life, many of which involved toxic amounts of alcohol and wizard costumes. Don't ask. But this may indeed be the saddest of them all -- Andrew Bogut high-fiving himself after a freethrow. Thanks to loyal reader Farfa for the double-eyeball. Warning: Your funny bone might not be ready for this.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Paul, Chris Webber, John Hollinger, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Toronto Raptors, Tracy McGrady

The Golen State Warriors versus the Enver Nuggets: These two D-less teams are in a brutal dogfight for the title of "Worst Defensive Team in the League." The Warriors gave it their best shot by letting the Sacramento Kings score 122 points on 58 percent shooting, but the Nuggets hit first and hardest by giving up 136 points to the Pistons, who shot 60 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. The 1990-91 Denver Nuggets are officially getting nervous.

Marcus Camby: His Defensive Player of the Year award looks more and more ridiculous with every passing game. Rebounding and shot-blocking do not make you the best defensive player in the league. Let me put it this way: If you had to choose one defensive player to save your grandma's life, would you pick Camby or, say, Shane Battier? That's what I thought.

Detroit Pistons equipment manager: Who's that Hamiltion guy who was playing for the Pistons last night? Did they sign him out of the D-League on a 10-day contract or something? Wait, that was NBA All-Star Rip Hamilton? Oh, okay. I thought he looked kinda familiar. (Via Ball Don't Lie.)


Taurean Green: Mr. Green won the Mario West Award for least PT of the night, clocking in at a mighty 18 seconds.

Fun fact: Did you know that Taurean is the son of former NBA player Sidney Green? Well, now you do. Go here to download a Taurean Green widget.

Milwaukee Bucks: Way to choke one up to the worst team in the league, guys. And you get extra points for doing it at home. Said said Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak: "I don’t feel like guys have turned me off. People are still paying attention, but that’s a rough question to ask a coach." I hate to be the one to break this to you, Larry, but they started tuning you out a while ago.

Pat Riley: Is it just me, or does anybody else think Riley went a little crazy over his team's 12th win of the season? Either that, or he did a line of coke after the game, because insanity and drug use are the only plausible reasons I can come up with for why Riley comparied Jason Williams and Chris Quinn to Hall of Famers Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. And I really don't think he was joking, since basketball scientists have proven that Riley hasn't had a sense of humor since the early 1980s.

The New Jersey trade gang: Sure, Jason Kidd played like crap last night (see below), but that doesn't mean the Nets "won" in the blockbuster trade game. Devin Harris wasn't playing particularly well (4 points, 2-for-6, 3 assists, 3 turnovers, 17 minutes) even before he left the game with an ankle injury. DeSagana Diop (4 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 block) did not inspire awe. And Trenton Hassell was 2 personal fouls and an unlikely assist away from a seven trillion.

Jason Kidd: Last night was the worst game of Kidd's second stint with the Mavericks: 1 point (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 7 assists. He played so badly that Avery Johnson left him on the bench from 6:27 of the third to 5:51 of the fourth. Doesn't The Little General know you can't leave old guys on the bench that long? They get all stiff and useless. Or in Kidd's case, useless-er.

Dirk Nowitizki's unclutchtasticness: Yes, he brought the Mavs back from a 25-point third quarter deficit, but -- in the final seconds with the game on the line -- he bobbled an inbounds pass and ducked out of the way of an airborne Lamar Odom to put up a wild, off-balance three-point attempt that wasn't even close. Charles Barkley freaked out over this after the game, and with good reason. Because while refs are reluctant to call ticky-tac fouls at the end of close games, once you get your defender into the air, you need to go into him and force the whistle. Most of the time, the refs are going to make that call, even in end-of-game situations, and especially when you're playing at home.

Josh Howard: Okay, it's not all Dirk's fault. Howard threw that inbounds pass way too low for Dirk to get a clean catch. If Howard really considers himself an All-Star-caliber player -- and he does -- then he needs to learn how to put the ball into play when it really matters.

Shane Battier's critics: After the Rockets beat the Lakers on Sunday, some people -- including "NBA historian" Charley Rosen of FOX Sports -- blasted Battier for "face guarding" Kobe Bryant. But what Battier did, which was put a hand in Kobe's face to contest his jump shots, was perfectly legal. And Rosen, who often displays an utter disdain for people who don't know their stuff, should realize that. Kudos to the guys at The Dream Shake for doing their homework. (Via The 10-Man Rotation at Ball Don't Lie.) Update: Don't you just love it when people freak out about something and bombard you with lots of meaningless facts but have no idea what they're talking about? Blogger "Tom7" over at FOX sports -- could there be a Charley Rosen connection?! -- drones on for quite a while about face guarding, noting that it is explicitly outlawed in high school rules, NCAA rules, and FIBA rules. Well...so what? This is the NBA. Tom7 should go check out page 41 of the Official Rules of the National Basketball Association, which clearly states that face guarding (or "eye guarding") is illegal only when guarding the offensive player from behind. They're called books people. Read 'em. On second thought, don't read 'em. Ask me and accept my answer as gospel. That'll work out better for both of us. (Thanks to Basketbawful reader reuben for the link.)

Rockets critics: After the Celtics ended The Streak, I got a flurry of e-mails and a couple texts telling me I was "wrong" about the Rockets. Which is funny because I never said how long The Streak would last nor that it was anything other than a cool, fun, historic run by a tough, scrappy team. And saying the Rockets didn't play well last night doesn't address the fact that Boston's defense was absolutely overwhelming, especially in the second half. With all the talk about the Western Conference playoff race, I think some people have forgotten, or never realized, how scary good the Celtics are this season.

Joel Przybilla: Look, I know it's important to stand up to Shaq and play him physically, but the constant pushing, shoving, and jersey-grabbing was a little much. Of course, the officials have let Shaq's defenders get away with that stuff for years. And, in all fairness, The Big Elbow has gotten away with his fair share of rough play. But now that the refs are starting to blow the whistle when Shaq gets a little too free with his flailing arms, shouldn't they stop letting his defenders wrassle him around so much? And also, isn't it interesting how officiating changes over the course of a player's career?

Update! Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor: Sometimes the best way to draw attention away from your crappy stewardship of the crappy team your crappy GM assembled is to take a cheap shot at your former stuperstar player. That way you're not a bad judge of basketball talent, you're just an idiot. And boy oh boy did Taylor let his stuperosity take center stage when he suggested that Kevin Garnett laid down on the job last season. In responding to a reporter's suggestion that the T-Wolves had tanked last season, Taylor said: "I don't think that. I don't like that so much. I don't like that. It was more like KG tanked it (for missing the final five games of the regular season). I think the other guys still wanted to play. But it sure changed the team and didn't make us (as good)." Now, some people think that experts and fans baby Garnett, and maybe we do...to a degree. But in this case, I'm going to let KG's intensity and work ethic speak for themselves. I mean, Garnett missed only 23 games in 12 seasons as a Timberwolf. Dude straight up brought it.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Mark submitted the best out-of-context Kobe quote of the week: "We got our hands on balls. We stretched them out offensively and we attacked them." I know this is from a while back, but still very much worth mentioning. Edit: I don't know why I didn't double-check that NBA.com link. Mark point out that Kobe's quote was, in fact, in reference to the Lakers/Mavericks game on Tuesday night.

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Dirk Nowitzki, Golden State Warriors, Jason Kidd, Joel Przybilla, Kobe Bryant, Marcus Camby, Milwaukee Bucks, Pat Riley, Shane Battier

Mario West: From Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse. "West posted 2 points and 1 rebound in two minutes of action (not lacktion, for once!), but pointlessly extended the game by poking the ball out-of-bounds on two occasions with under 20 seconds left, when all the Magic were trying to do was inbound the ball so they could run the clock out. Dude, everyone in the arena wants to go home! Give up! Of course, if I were an NBA player struggling to earn more than 40 seconds of playing time a night for the Atlanta freaking Hawks, I'd probably do everything I could to stay on the floor, too."

Dwight Howard: More from Mr. Rock. "Dwight lead the Magic with 26 points and 16 rebounds, but he padded his rebound total by snatching balls away from his teammates, including Hedo Turkoglu, who at the time of one Dwight-swipe was just one rebound away from his second career triple-double. Turk eventually got that elusive tenth rebound, but he shouldn't have had to wait that long." Ben even provided this image of Superman bogarting a board from his frontcourt mate. Even Hedo didn't think he was going to get the last rebound he needed for the triple-double. "Not when you've got to battle Dwight Howard to get it. I kept telling Dwight I only needed one, but he's the No. 1 rebounder in the league and it's hard to get one off him."

One last note: Howard almost killed Zaza Pachulia during one rebound battle. That dude is serious about rebounding.

John Hollinger: In his review of the Bulls/Cavs/Sonics trade, Hollinger made it seem as if Cleveland GM Danny Ferry was making off like some kind of cartoon bandit: "This one works, big time. Answer me this: Would you rather have Hughes (12.0 player efficiency rating) or Szczerbiak (16.0)? Brown (8.5) or West (10.1)? Marshall (8.5) or Wallace (12.1)? Gooden (12.8) or Smith (17.4)?"

I thought this assessment was a wee bit bogus, mostly because Hollinger fiddled somewhat with the comparisons. After all, juxtaposing the PER of Shannon Brown and Delonte West didn't seem particularly fair, considering that Brown had appeared - and briefly - in only 15 games while West had played in 35 and gotten more minutes. Furthermore, Marshall was a seldom-used reserve who had made a mere 11 cameo appearances for the Cavs, whereas Ben Wallace was a starter who had played 50 games at a rate of more than 32 minutes per. And wouldn't Wallace versus Drew Gooden had make a better one-for-one comparison anyway? I guess what I'm saying is that, at the time, if felt as though Hollinger arranged the player matchoffs so he could use his PER numbers to support his "Cleveland won this one" argument.

But here's a little post-script to Hollinger's "This one works, big time" declaration. Wally's PER has plummetted from 15.8 to 9.1 while Larry Hughes' has soared from 11.8 to 15.3. Wallace's has dropped from 12.0 to 10.9 while Drew Gooden's has gone from 12.7 to 15.0. So, based solely on the PER numbers, does this mean that Hollinger was wrong, big time? I'll be interested to see whether he has anything to say on the subject.

Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak: Big Ben - or "Big Bum" if you follow the Chicago newspapers - scored zero points (0-for-4) and grabbed 5 rebounds before leaving the game with back spasms, a common malady among the elderly. Meanwhile, Wally World played 27 sizzling minutes, scoring 8 points (2-for-5) to go along with 2 rebounds and an assist. Szczerbiak is now shooting 32 percent since the trade, which is roughly equal to Larry Hughes' post-trade shooting numbers.

Jarrett Jack and James Jones: The play of these two guys, Jones especially, is absolutely critical to the Blazers' success. So it's not surprising - considering their combination of 6 points on 1-for-12 shooting - that Portland scored only 80 points in a tough loss.

Sam Cassell's Boston debut: This is what the Celtics have been waiting all season for? Sam-I-Am went scoreless (0-for-2), committed a couple of turnovers, and got whistled for 4 fouls in 5 entirely unimpressive minutes. But Sam's not sweating it. "My timing is off. Not knowing the sets, not knowing where to go on the court is tough. I know I’ll play more than 5 minutes. I'm not even worried about it."

Josh Powell and Quinton Ross: These guys started last night for the Clippers, and they both with scoreless (0-for-8) in a combined 42 minutes of lacktion. And Mario West is pissed about it.

Pat Riley: Why did it take Riles so long to shut Wade down for the year? Seriously, he should have done it 10 or 15 games ago, at least. Of course, Heat fans - assuming there are any left - can't be all that excited about the prospect of watching Ricky Davis get 15-to-20 shots a game for the rest of the season. But hey, maybe Shawn Marion will actually learn how to create his own shot over that time.

New Jersey Nets: Yeah, I know they caught the wrong team at the wrong time. The Rockets are clearly peaking right now. But still: 30 percent field goal shooting, zero percent three-point shooting, only 12 assists. Ugly. Very, very ugly.

Vince Carter and Devin Harris: These two men are the future of the franchise. And that might be a big problem. Vince scored 13 points on 5-for-15 shooting. Harris scored 10 on 3-for-10 shooting and dished out one lonely assist. I feel the need to point these things out again: Vince is not a franchise player, and Harris is not a point guard - he's a two-guard trapped in a point guard's body.

Nate Robinson: Last night's 2-for-14 shooting performance is a sure sign that he won't be scoring 45 again any time soon. Unless, you know, he shows up to my Wednesday night pickup league. And maybe not even then.

Isiah Thomas: Dude is so ready to be fired. Not only did he get booed on the road again, he answered only one question in his postgame press conference - and it was about Jason Kidd - before running out the door without a word. Here is the full text of Isiah's postgame commentary, in case you're interested: "[Kidd] gets them out in transition. He gets them a lot of easy baskets. In that first quarter, every time we missed a shot - we came out cold - and every time we missed a shot, it was a fast-break layup, and everything was initiated by Kidd. He's a great player." This transcript does not include the sound of footsteps or a slamming door, but it could.

Chris Duhon: Remember how Duhon got fined and suspended for one game for missing the Bulls' Sunday morning shootaround and then basically said he didn't care? And then we all found out that he'd overslept because he'd flown to North Carolina on Saturday night to attend the Duke/North Carolina game? You might wonder why a professional basketball player who's already on the verge of being out of the league in a couple of months would do something so stupid. Well, now we know: "I wanted to go to a place where I felt comfortable and be around people who can boost my self-esteem." Wow. Hey Chris, I hope that little ego-boost is worth standing in an unemployment line this summer. For the record, Duhon is making $3.2 million this season. I don't know about you, but making that kind of green in a single year would go a long way toward raising this man's self-esteem. So John Paxson, if you're reading this, not only am I available but I also know how to set an alarm clock. Call me.

Mark Cuban: He has banned "bloggers" from the Mavericks' locker room. Ironically enough, the announcement was made on his blog. This is, of course, a response to the "Fire Avery Johnson" campaign. A petulant and immature response, but a response nonetheless. And this isn't the first time Cuban has given the stink-eye to a blogger. Why does Cuban hate bloggers so much, when he, himself, is a blogger? Is this a sign of some festering self-hatred? Let's hope so.

Now you face Doom! Dr. Doom took over my NBA Closer column today. Read it. Or else Doom won't be happy. And you really want him to be happy.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chris Duhon, Dwight Howard, Isiah Thomas, John Hollinger, New Jersey Nets, Pat Riley, Sam Cassell, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak

Avery Johnson: Either Johnson is still a Spur at heart or he just enjoys throwing games, because last night's coaching poop-fiesta not only jerked defeat straight out of the snapping jaws of victory, it also proved -- once again -- that having a micro-managing control freak for a coach can absolutely kill a team down the stretch*. The Little General not only watched his team surrender a 10-point lead at the end of the third quarter, he actually contributed to the Spurs' game-changing 13-1 run by drawing a technical foul for beefing with the officials. Jason Terry also got T'ed up during that stretch. So Johnson can't control himself, and he can't control his players. That's shades of Rick Adelman and the early 90s Portland Trail Blazers. And that does not instill me with a great sense of hope for the Mavericks' playoff hopes.

*For further reading, please refer to the 2006 NBA Finals and/or the First Round of the 2007 Western Conference Playoffs.

But Johnson's greatest boner of the night was benching Jason Kidd for the final 30 seconds of the game. That's the same Jason Kidd that the Mavericks mortgaged their future for. The same Jason Kidd that supposedly gives the Mavs their best chance of winning a champtionship. The same Jason Kidd who is the starting point guard, the team's only true playmaker, and one of the greatest passers in the history of the NBA. Yes, folks, that Jason Kidd. So, instead of having Kidd try to create a play to get Dirk and company a nice, open shot, Johnson watched his team's final possessions go down like this: Dirk Nowitzki missed fadeaway jump shot, Dirk Nowitzki missed layup, Erick Dampier missed tip-in, and Jason Terry missed jump shot, stuffed by Bruce Bowen. Game over.

Right after the Kidd trade finally went through, Johnson had this to say: "He's going to help us, because at the end of games he just knows how to win. A big steal, a big block, a big rebound, big three, his penetration." So what happened between then and last night? Why didn't Johnson roll the dice with Mr. Big Block, Big Rebound, Big Three, Big Penetration? Here's why: "We wanted to spread the floor and give Dirk more room to operate." Okay. I get that...I guess. Kidd's an awful shooter. But you know who was on the floor for that final 30 seconds? Erick Dampier. Does Dampier open up a floor more than Kidd? I really don't think so. And I understand that Ericka was in there for her rebounding -- and she did take, and miss, a tip-in on the Mavs' final possession -- but, honestly, who would you rather have on the floor with game on the line and your team down by two points: Kidd or Dampier? I mean, is that even a question?

This may be an overreaction, and you all know by now that I'm occasionally prone to those, but I feel like I watched Dallas get knocked out of the playoffs already. Because of their coach.

Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Terry's clutchability: Forget their awful shooting -- a combined 7-for-25 on the night -- these guys couldn't hit a shot to win a game if their grandmas were in some sort of superhero-style death trap (I'm thinking a giant, bone-chilling snowcone or maybe huge pot full of grandma-eating flowers) and the old ladies' very lives depended on it. How many Dallas games over the last few years have ended the way last night's game did? Here's the answer: A lot. Kidd was supposed to fix this problem, but, great as he is, he can't fix anything from the pine.

Basketbawful: I really didn't think that sending DeSagana Diop to the Nets as part of the Kidd trade was that big of a deal. And I still don't. Mostly. But after watching Tim Duncan's 31-point, 15-rebound performance, I'm willing to concede that I might have been...not totally, 100 percent right about that.

The Trillion Twosome: As correctly pointed out by an anonymous reader, there were a couple trillion performances last night: Sean "I scored 1280 on the SAT" Williams had a two trillion while Kurt "I'm the final piece of San Antonio's championship puzzle" Thomas trudged his way to a four trillion. Note: The anonymous poster thought there was actually a hat trick of trillions. Unfortunately, Dorell "Mr." Wright actually scored 8 points and had a rebound against the Lakers.

The Milwaukee Bucks bench: Do you think that Larry Krystkowiak ever looks down his bench and wants to throw up in his mouth a little bit? Milwaukee's support staff contributed only 8 points in the Bucks' 120-106 loss to the Nets, and all of those points came from Charlie Bell (5) and Michael Ruffin (3). Yi Jianlian was the next "best" player off the bench with zero points (0-for-2), 1 rebound, 1 turnover, and 3 fouls in 10 minutes of lack-tion. Then there was Royal Ivey, who played almost 7 minutes and contributed 1 turnover. Dan Gadzuric played 2 minutes and had matched Ivey's turnover. Jake Voskuhl? 1 minute, 1 turnover. Bobby Simmons chipped in with a DNP-CD, which was probably the best thing he could have done.

Jason Williams: Pat Riley's going to throw a party when this guy's $9 million salary comes off the books after this season. I'd be willing to bet my collector's set of fake Larry Bird mustaches on it. Last night, Jason Williams might have lost his starting job to Marcus Banks -- yes, that Marcus Banks -- by scoring zero points (0-for-3), dishing only 3 assists, and racking up a +/- score of -19.

Dwyane Wade: Pookie's descent into sub-superstar status continued to continue last night. And you might not be able to tell from the raw numbers, but Kobe Bryant stuck Wade's head on a spit, cooked it over an open fire, and then ate it. With ketchup. It was a comedy of sadness, kind of like watching the UFC's heavyweight champion get into a fistfight with the guy who set the world record for extreme ironing. Flash missed 11 of his 17 shots, committed 4 turnovers -- including one in which Mamba stripped him clean and ran the ball downcourt for an uncontested dunk -- and almost fouled out of the game. And don't think for a minute that Kobe didn't enjoy rubbing Wade's nose in it.

Pat Riley: When Riles realized that he could actually sucker another team into taking on Shaq's cap-crippling contract, he couldn't push The Big Injury out the door fast enough. Now he's bellyaching about not having his former center. Here's a sample of Riley's post-game lament: "We won a championship with that kind of game -- being able to post up, being able to run some, pick-and-roll a ton and isolate the top of the lane a lot. And now, we don't have that one dimension. So we're going to have to play differently. When you have a dominant guy like Shaq, whose presence is like a magnet, I don't care what kind of game you play. Eventually that guy's got his hand under the basket and he just forces you to throw it into him. But we don't have a post-up player, so you can't slow it down." Wait, what? It's not like anybody was holding a gun to Riley's head and forcing him to send Shaq away. Does Riley even know what he's saying anymore? Or what he's doing? Seriously, I think it's long past time for Riles to call it a career. He's lost it, his team has lost it, and it's time for a fresh start for everybody.

Derek Fisher's shooting touch: You can't measure Fisher's contributions by numbers alone. He's a character guy who provides savvy, cunning, and a much-needed dose of veteran leadership. But up until the Pau Gasol trade, Fish was having a career season shooting the basketball (nearly 50 percent from the field). Since then, his percentage has plummeted to 44.6, and last night's 2-for-11 shooting performance is becoming more of a rule than the exception. Maybe it's just the Law of Large Numbers catching up with him, but I figured Fisher's shooting might get even better with Gasol around to open up the floor.

Labels: Avery Johnson, Derek Fisher, Dirk Nowitzki, Dwyane Wade, Jason Terry, Milwaukee Bucks, Pat Riley, Worst of the Night

DeSagana Diop: The Man The Mavericks Should Not Have Given Up had yet another sucksational game last night: Zero points (0-for-0), 3 rebounds, 1 blocked shot, and 5 fouls in 9 minutes of lack-tion. For the record, those are Greg Kite-like numbers.

Vince Carter: Half-Man, Half-I-Hate-Physical-Contact led the Nets with 26 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. And according to the shot chart, 18 of those attempts were jumpers...seven of which were catapulted from at least 27 feet out. I'll give him a mulligan on the 42-footer he launched at the end of the second quarter, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not even trying to take it to the rim anymore.

Sacramento Kings: Well, it had to happen at some point. Some unlucky team was going to hand the Miami Heat their 10th win of the season, and that unlucky team was the Kings. And they did it in truly craptacular fashion, scoring 11 points in the third quarter on 2-for-20 shooting en route to a 21-point blowout.

Ron Artest: If you haven't already read about Ron Artest's soon-to-be-famous "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft" quote, you have now. Now that Mike Bibby is out of the picture, Artest finally has the chance to be the Big Cheese in Sacramento. But last night, he was just the Big Cheez Whiz, shooting 3-for-14 and getting lit up on defense.

Pat Riley: I know it's been a long time between wins, but that doesn't really explain the following post-game quote from Riles: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

The Cleveland Cavaliers' end-of-game defense: LeBron James hit a layup with 5.9 seconds left, after which the Bucks inbounded to Michael Redd, who drove unmolested down the length of the court before hitting the game-winning shot at the buzzer over the outstretched hands of Wally Szczerbiak. Said LeBron: "There's nothing you can do about that. The guy made a 35-footer fading away." Well, first of all, it was a 27-footer, and second of all...nothing you can do about it?! There were less than 6 seconds left in the game. They knew Redd would have to take the ball at least 70 feet and take a quick shot, so why not double-team him or use a full-court press to get the ball out of his hands. Why give the opposing team's best player a chance to win the game?

Wally Szczerbiak: Not only did he get immortalized in Redd's poster, Wally World shot 5-for-18 from the field. You know, when the Cavs acquired him to fill Larry Hughes shooter/scorer role, they didn't intend for him to actually shoot like Larry Hughes. How's that PER comparison looking now, Mr. Hollinger?

Yi Jianlian: Haven't heard Yi's name in the highlights lately? There's a reason for that. He sucks. Last night Yao's heir scored 2 points (0-for-1) in 15 minutes of off-the-bench lack-tion. Kwame Brown and Andrea Bargnani had better look out...Yi is starting to eye the "Worst Draft Pick Ever" crown.

ESPN's NBA Playlist: Can you find Waldo in ESPN's playlist of videos from last night's NBA action? Here, let me help you...


Raja Bell: On a night in which his team shot almost 60 percent from the field, Raja missed all his two-point field goal attempts and hit only 3-for-12 overall. Didn't Shaq say he was going to make Raja the best shooter in the league? He's only 8-for-29 in the four games he's played with the Big Cactus.

Kwame Brown: From starting center to DNP-CD in just one game.

Marc Iavaroni: After his Grizzlies got caught in the Suns' bear trap, the former Phoenix assistant said: "I think they were just trying to outscore us." There's some crack analysis, huh? First off, it's the Phoenix Suns. Secondly, isn't the goal of every basketball game to outscore your opponents? Just checking, but I'm pretty sure that's the case.

Utah Jazz: There is no excuse whatsoever for a Western Conference playoff contender and division leader to lose to the Minnesota Timberwolves. For today, I am ashamed to be a Jazz fan.

Antoine Walker: You'll notice he hasn't been on the Minnesota roster for a few games. That's because Fatoine wants the T-Wolves to buy him out so he can go get more playing time for a contender. You might be tempted to think that last sentence was the result of all the glue I sniffed this morning, but I promise you that it's the God's honest truth.

Fickle Fate: Yao Ming, injured again, this time with a stress fracture in his left foot. It's not easy being a giant, it just isn't. And it looks like Yao may require surgery to implant a couple screws in his foot to hold the bones together. I'm guessing that wouldn't do a lot to improve his already limited mobility. I can't tell you how much Yao's injury saddens and disappoints me.

The Washington Wizards: The Wiz scored a franchise-low 23 points in the first half, shot 31 percent for the game, and received a 94-69 spanking from the now Yao-less Rockets. Remember all those "They're playing so well without Gilbert Arenas" stories? Man, that seems like a long time ago.

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith followed up his first-ever game-winning shot with an ugly 5-point, 2-for-12 performance. I guess he celebrated a little too hard the night before.

Dikembe Mutombo: The ancient center had this to say after starting in place of the injured Yao: "I believe I set the tempo early and everybody just followed." Now, don't get me wrong, because Mount Mutombo played pretty well for an old guy. But well past the point of setting tempo, unless it's for a funeral march. Edit: Oops. I was wrong. He really did set the tempo.

Seattle SuperSonics: It's not so much that they lost -- I stopped expecting anything out of the Sonics months ago -- it's that they let Austin Croshere beat them (14 points, 6-for-6 shooting, all in the second half). You can never trust a team that gets beaten by Austin Croshere.

Al Harrington: He scored 5 points on 2-for-9 shooting last night. That's not his worst game of the season, but it is a reminder that the Harrington-for-Dunleavy Jr. swap has -- so far -- been a bigger benefit for the Pacers than the Warriors. And that's bad.

Kelenna Azubuike: This second-year man out of London, England was last night's one trillion award winner. Congratulations, Kelenna!

Derek Fisher: Fish was a big part of the Lakers' resurgence earlier this season, but he's been The Forgotten Man in L.A.'s offense since the Pau Gasol trade. And last night's 2-point performance was the first game this season he failed to hit a single field goal (0-for-4).

Labels: Antoine Walker, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeSagana Diop, Dikembe Mutombo, Pat Riley, Ron Artest, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards

"Man, I love playing crappy teams!"
Miami Heat: What an appalling display of terrible basketball. Since even glancing at the box score makes me feel indescribably dirty, here's what Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm said to me in an email: "No KG. No Ray Allen. Leon Powe: 25 and 11. They let Leon Powe get a double double. They lost by 30! 30! Do you know how hard it is to lose to that team without two of the big 3? The D-League All-Stars would take those guys to overtime! This is absurd. This is a performance of epic terribleness. This is suck, the likes of which we have not seen since Speed Zone, the non-Cannonball-Run titled Cannonball Run movie. This redefines ineptitude. This team is like some sort of submarine that runs on shitty basketball. But it only patrols feces infested waters. This is like the 300 of being bad at Basketball. It's hyper-dramatic and epic."

Dwyane Wade: Okay, I couldn't not mention this: Pookie shot 1-for-9 and left after the third quarter with flu-like symptoms. I can't say I blame him. It's human instinct to run as far away as possible from such a frightening disaster.

Pat Riley: Isn't Riles supposed to be the Great Motivator? I mean, this is the guy who came up with 15 Strong and trade-marked the term three-peat. Yet he couldn't stir the hearts of his players enough to get a hand in the face of Leon Powe? Wow. Said Riley: "I'm embarrassed by the effort." Good. He should be.

Carlos Delfino: Uh, thanks for showing up to work last night, Carlos. But...are you feeling okay? Is everything okay at home? Because 1 point (0-for-6) and 2 rebounds in 23 minutes wasn't quite what we'd expect from somebody who used to play for Fortitudo Pallacanestro Bologna. Then again, maybe it is.

Stephen Graham: Little "Stevie" played 19 seconds against the Pistons last night, accomplishing nothing other than to create an anomoly in the box score. It's like Jim O'Brien subbed him in and then realized, "Wait, that was Stevie Graham, not Travis Diener! Man, all these crappy players are starting to look alike to me." (Okay, okay. Diener had 18 points on 6-for-10 shooting, so he's officially "not crappy" for at least one game.)

Fun fact: Did you know Steve has a fraternal twin named Joey? And -- get this -- Joey plays for the Toronto Raptors! In fact, Joe played 7 minutes against the Wizards last night, scoring zero points (0-for-4) and grabbing 2 rebounds. So I guess poop doesn't fall far from the butthole, huh? Also, both brothers graduated from Oklahoma State with degrees in Aviation Management and are licensed pilots. Well, at least they should be able to find a Clark Kent job when their basketball careers are over. Which should be any day now.

Jason Collins: The lid is back on the basket! Collins had his 25th scoreless game of the season (out of 41 games played) by going 0-for-0 in 11 minutes of aimless wandering up and down the court. He did have a two rebounds and a couple turnovers, though.

Vince Carter: He scored 16 points last night. And it "only" took him 22 shots to do it. I'm not a statisticologist, but I'm pretty sure that's less than one point per shot.

Minnesota Timberwolves: The Bulls were missing three of their top five scorers (Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, and Joe Smith) as well as their backup point guard (Chris "C-Du" Duhon), and they still handled the Wolves with relative ease. Hey, didn't Minnesota beat the Suns and Warriors a few games ago? I guess if Al Jefferson doesn't score a career high, they don't win.

Golden State Warriors: What a fun, entertaining game. But the way Yao Ming manhandled the Warriors' front line (36 points, 19 rebounds) showed, once again, that the Warriors could really use a defensive-minded big man. Yet they signed Chris Webber. Hey, I know Don Nelson is all about out-of-the-box thinking, but that move seems more like out-of-the-mind thinking.

Bonzi Wells: Hold on a second, Wells is supposed to be a scorer, right? And the Warriors haven't played any defense for at least a hundred games or so, right? Then what's up with the 3 points (0-for-1) in 17 minutes?

Trade McGrady: Out with flu-like symptoms, huh? Well, I've seen the Camp CHEN-A-WANDA video, so excuse me if I'm a little skeptical.

Atlanta Hawks defense: I know the Suns are good. Really good, even. But 64 percent shooting?! Even Boris Diaw was 8-for-10! Hawks coach Mike Woodson said: "We just didn't show up tonight. (We) should be embarrassed." He's not wrong.

Atlanta Hawks offense: They took 100 shots and missed 67 of them (34 percent). They lost the ball 19 times. They also had their junk stuffed by the Suns 19 times! Man, they're going to tasting Wilsonburger for a week.

Joe Johnson: This was Joe's big chance to show the Suns what they're missing. Yeah, it didn't happen: 9 points (3-for-14), 1 assist, and 3 turnovers.

Phoenix Suns rebounding: The Suns played a great all-around game. The offense was beyond amazing -- they scored 125 points on 64 percent shooting. The defense was equally fantastic -- they held the Hawks to 92 points on 34 percent shooting by blocking 19 shots and forcing 19 turnovers. But they still got pounded on the boards 50-36. They also gave up 26 offensive rebounds. This rebounding thing is going to come back to haunt them, mark my words.

San Antonio Spurs: I know they haven't been playing well, and I know they aren't very good on the road. And yeah, Tony Parker is out with one of his fake injuries. But they're still the defending champs. They still have Tim Duncan. Yet they fell to what was then a 9-win team that had lost 14 consecutive games. You know, I'm starting to think this whole "The Spurs are just laying low" thing is a work of fiction.

Robert Horry: Zero points (0-for-1) and 1 assist in 9 minutes. Watching him play these days just makes me sad.

Earl Watson: Whoa there, Earl; 0-for-8 shooting? I didn't see this game. Can we confirm that he was shooting at the right basket?

Luke Walton: I didn't want to believe this about the Son of Walton, but I'm really starting to think that last year's breakout season was yet another example of the Contract Year Phenomenon. Last night, Luke scored zero points (0-for-3) and grabbed a couple rebounds before leaving the game with a hip pointer. With all the surpise and success of the Lakers' rejuvenation this season, it's a damn shame Walton isn't a part of it.

Hey you! Yeah, you. Haven't read the NBA Closer yet? Then what are you waiting for, Kobe Bryant to pass the ball?

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pat Riley, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

Miami Heat: Not only did the Heat (8-29) lose their 11th consecutive game, they cost me a complete set of mint condition Larry Bird porcelain dinner wear. (Damn you, Katchoo.) If Pat Riley thought the return of Shaq -- and a surprisingly effective Shaq at that (24 points, 10 rebounds) -- would alter his team's trancelike play, then he really didn't know his team. But I think it's finally sinking in that the Heat, the team he himself built, is wholly and inescapably awful. Said Riley: "That was as complete a loss as you can have. The team didn't quit, it's just bad. When you give up 126 points defensively at home and you've already lost 10 in a row, it's bad. I have now, tonight, at this moment, no answers for it."

The Bulls rank 23rd in the league in points per game (94.6) and dead-last in field goal percentage (42.3). Yet against the Heat, Chicago scored a season-high 126 points on a season-high 57 percent shooting. So the obvious problem the Heat are facing isn't offensive ineptitude (although they certainly aren't great on that front). It's complete indifference on the defensive end. And defense, it should be noted, is more about effort and concentration than skill and athletic ability (just refer to the Collected Works of Bruce Bowen for details). The team's will has been completely and utterly broken, as evidenced by Dwyane Wade's dispirited post-game comments: "We lose every time. We lose and it's a fact of life. It's not easy."

The Heat's lowest moment (and there were many) came in the closing minutes when the Bulls' human victory cigar Viktor Khryapa dunked on them. But not just any dunk. Khryapa shambled gracelessly under the hoop and threw down a reverse dunk. Hubie Brown, bless his mummified soul, tried to ignore this, but Mike Tirico simply couldn't help himself (and who can blame him?). Said Tirico: "When Viktor Khryapa reverse dunks on you, you know it's good night."

Miami Heat home crowd: Did I mention that this loss -- in which the Heat got blown out by a lowly, fragmented Bulls team -- happened in Miami? Maybe the Heat would have been a little fired up if more than five or six people had shown up at the start of the game. Seriously, there were more people on the Bulls bench than there were in the crowd. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but at least the Bulls bench was full. The crowd eventually filled out a little bit, but by then the home team was sleepwalking their way through another blowout loss, ensuring that pretty much everybody not wearing a Bulls jersey went home unhappy.

Chris Duhon: On a night when almost every other Chicago Bulls player was on fire, Du-Du shot 1-for-7 from the field. Furthermore, he's 15-of-69 (21 percent) over his last 11 games.

Sacramento Kings: The Kings had been playing their collective hearts out lately, winning three of four, including victories against Orlando (24-17) and Dallas (26-12). And with Kevin Martin, Mike Bibby, and Ron Artest all finally back from injury, the team was finally, at long last, back to full strength. The response was a 15-point shellacking by the Raptors. Kings coach Reggie Theus thinks his team was a little too selfish (19 assists, 20 turnovers). Said Theus: "Right now, everyone who catches the ball takes a look at the rim instead of swinging it. That's a technical thing that can be fixed right away but it's something they have to work out themselves." Maybe it's just me, but I think that defense might have been the real problem. Chris Bosh hit 11-of-12 shots, and Jose Calderon scored 17 points (7-for-11) and dished out 14 assists. Even Carlos Delfino hit 8-of-11. But hey, at least the Kings held Jason Kapono to 3-of-9 shooting.

Orlando Magic: The Bobcats, who have suddenly become the league's Giant Killers, crawled out of a 19-point third quarter hole to stun the Magic. Dwight Howard was awesome (24 points, 21 rebounds), but the Magic's careless ball movement was not (12 assists, 18 turnovers). And that, quite frankly, boggled the mind of Magic coach Stan Van Gundy: "Our turnovers were mindless and mindboggling. You've got to be able to handle the ball. When you have a 19-point lead and a good veteran team that handles the ball solidly and makes solid plays and doesn't break down defensively, then you're probably going to win that game. But we didn't do any of those things. It's frustrating." It could be worse, Stan. You could still be coaching the Heat.

Golden State Warriors: There's a doctrine in pickup basketball that states: "Defense is just waiting to get back on offense." No professional team embraces that streetball concept quite like the Warrors, who allowed the Indiana Pacers to score 46 points in the fourth quarter for a dramatic come-from-behind win. Stephen Jackson, who was licking his chops in anticipation of a revenge game (of the "See what you gave up" variety), expressed his frustration in typically violent terms: "We didn't put our feet on their necks and finish the game in the first half. We let them stay around."

New Jersey Nets: Can anybody stop the Knicks?! The Nets certainly couldn't, despite leading by 15 after the first quarter and maintaining a double-digit lead for most of the first half. You know, Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson are all healthy. Well, physically, anyway. Of course, we all know that Kidd wants out of New Jersey and Vince Carter stopped caring about anything beyond which headband he's going to wear during the game. It's pretty clear that the time for change is right now in Netsland.

Jamaal Magloire: Wasn't this guy an All-Star a few years ago? Last night he scored zero points to go along with one rebound and one personal foul. It was the 9th time he's gone scoreless in the 22 games he's actually been allowed to play. You know, he might actually be worse than Jason Collins.

Jake Voskuhl: He notched a three trillion against the Hawks last night. Whew. It's been a while since I've been able to hand out a trillion award.

Nick Collison: On Monday, he had a career-game against the Lakers: 24 points (10-of-14), 18 rebounds, 2 blocked shots. Well, somebody must have put bad ju-ju in his magic sauce, because he followed up that miracle performance by scoring 2 points (1-for-6) and grabbing 5 rebounds.

Morris Peterson: His team scored 123 points on 51 percent shooting, but not because of him. Mo Pete scored 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Duhon, Golden State Warriors, Jaamal Magloire, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Nick Collison, Orlando Magic, Pat Riley, Sacramento Kings, Shaq, Worst of the Night

Tony Parker: French model Alexandra Paressant claims she did the nasty désobligeant with TP. This is going to totally shock you, but Parker's denying it: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Here's the funny thing, though: Parker "said" all that in a statement from Longoria's spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. So Parker, a three-time world champion and last season's NBA Finals MVP, has to defend himself through a statement issued by his wife’s spokeswoman? I guess we know who wears the Pretty Pink Princess panties in that family.

Philadelphia 76ers: It's not like we really expect anything out of Philly, but is it too much to ask for the Sixers to protect their homecourt against a team that was 0-9 on the road? Apparently so. Not only did they let the Kings to shoot almost 54 percent against them, they committed 21 turnovers and simply stood by and watched as Mikki Moore and Brad Miller just destroy them (combined 49 points on 19-for-23 shooting, 15 rebounds, and 7 assists).

Milwaukee Bucks: When I heard Ray Allen was going to miss the Bucks/Celtics matchup, I thought that maybe Milwaukee could keep the game competitive. After all, the Celtics' lack of depth is their Achilles' heel, right? Well, I wouldn't call a 22-point blowout competitive, even for a team as bad as the Bucks.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Another winless weekend for the hapless Timberwolves. How bad are they? On Friday, the Sonics scored 11 points in the first quarter, shot 43 percent for the game, and committed 19 turnovers, but they still beat the T-Wolves by 10. In Minnesota. Meanwhile, the city of Minneapolis sheds a collective tear of grief every time the Celtics win.

Jermareo Davidson: The Charlotte forward submitted a three trillion in a blowout loss to the Magic. Yet, amazingly, he had a +/- score of +1, best on his team.

Pau Gasol: Looks like he's going to miss a week of more due to a toe he jammed in practice. Does anybody know the Spanish word for "pussy"? Sans Gasol, the Grizzlies lost their sixth game in a row on Friday night, then miraculously stunned the Magic on Saturday without him.

Eddy Curry: If he wanted to show the Bulls what they were missing without him, he failed most spectacularly: Zero points (0-5), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in 13 lethargic minutes. Even better -- and by "better" I mean "more humiliating" -- he had not one, but two dunks blocked by the much smaller Andres Nocioni. Then Isiah benched him for the rest of the game. That's what we call the Ego-ectomy Deluxe.

Utah Jazz: They shot 39 percent as a team, missed all 13 of their three-point attempts, and coughed up an 11-point second half lead en route to losing their sixth game in a row to the Blazers, who were missing their leading scorer and rebounder, LaMarcus Aldridge.

Los Angeles Lakers: The media and, especially, Lakers fans spent the week bragging about L.A.'s nine-game winning streak over Golden State, and talking ad nauseam about how Phil Jackson owns the Warriors with his little mind games. Well, where was that vaunted psychological advantage when the Lakers coughed up a 6-point lead with less than three minutes to go in the fourth quarter? Where was Kobe Bryant, the Lakers' deadly "fourth quarter assassin"? (He was shooting 6-for-23 and committing 5 turnovers, that's where.) The refs even tried to give the Lakers a gift in the final minutes by calling a cheesy touch foul on Stephen Jackson (who might have barely brushed against Kobe after the shot was released), and then calling an absolutely ridiculous loose ball foul on Al Harrington (who got run into by Derek Fisher). Of course, we got a little cheater's proof when Bryant and Fisher both missed one of their ensuing freethrows. I'm sure Lakers fans will be quick to mention Kobe's pulled groin, but that happened with about six minutes remaining, and Bryant hadn't been playing (or shooting) any better before that. Face it: The stat curse is always gonna get ya.

Miami Heat: After a 106-103 loss to the Pacers, the Heat slunk to 6-17, and only 2-8 at home. Shaq fouled out with 12 points and 3 rebounds in only 25 minutes of awkward, bumbling action. Dwyane Wade matched his season-high with 8 turnovers (set in last Thursday's loss to the Wizards). How low have Wade's expectations for his team fallen? "Everybody needs to figure out a way they can help with this, doing something 1 percent better. If everybody does something 1 percent better, we'll be a better team." That's right: Wade isn't hoping for a big win streak or a miraculous turnaround; he's hoping for a 1 percent group improvement. Udonis Haslem was the team's best player against Indiana -- 24 points (10-14), 7 rebounds, 3 assists -- but that brought him no joy: "I keep repeating myself: We don't play defense. That's our problem." (Actually, Miami held the Pacers to 44 percent shooting and forced 18 turnovers; they just sucked too much to take advantage of it.) When asked it coach Pat Riley could say anything to help turn the team around, Haslem said: "Nope." Speaking of which...

Pat Riley: What did Riles have to say after his team’s latest defeat? "There's a lot of pain. It's very painful. Sometimes you wonder. I'm not trying to get on a philosophical bent here, but when you're given everything that you've ever wanted in your profession, you wonder why that you feel such pain. You say why, why give me all this and make me feel pain?" Uh...what the hell? Seriously, that insipid rant is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read. Maybe it's just me, but I think that after winning 6 championships (1 as a player, 5 as a coach) and becoming a mega-millionaire, you officially lose all rights to whine like a little bitch unless a loved one is diagnosed with terminal cancer or you get sodomized by hillbillies during a rafting trip through Alabama.

Bobcats versus Hawks: If you tuned into this game, I have only one question for you: Why? The only thing even remotely notable about this game is that Charlotte’s Ryan Hollins and Atlanta’s Shelden Williams both notched a one trillion.

Orlando Magic: Okay, who stole their mojo? The Magic have now lost four of five games, and three of those losses happened at home. And Saturday's loss to the Pau Gasol-less Grizzlies was absurd and embarrassing: The Grizzlies (7-16) marched into the Amway Arena -- yes, the Magic's homecourt is named after the world's most famous pyramid scheme -- and scored 123 points (on 53 percent shooting), including 38 in the decisive fourth quarter. Who lets the Grizzlies drop 38 on them in the fourth quarter at home? Sad. Speaking of sad...

Rashard Lewis: Orlando lost to Memphis because of their lousy defense, so Lewis wouldn't have made much of a difference since he doesn't play any. But he missed the game with a sore neck? I know this has been mentioned once or twice before, but he signed a $126 million contract this summer. You're telling me he can't afford to go out and buy some Ibuprofin? And while he's out, he should probably pick up some Vagisil for his tender vagina.

Darko Milicic: This was supposed to be Darko's breakout season. But after his performance against the Magic -- 4 points (2-5), 3 rebounds, 5 personal fouls, and several inhuman posterizations by Dwight Howard -- the only thing broken is Darko's ego: "My confidence level right now is really low. It's horrible. It's weird. I'm with a team now that needs me, and has given me every opportunity to play. I've got a nice contract, but for some reason I can't even do the things I used to do. I don't know what's wrong with my game." Uh, quick reality check: Darko’s career numbers are 5.1 PPG and 3.5 RPG. So based on that, his numbers this year (7.9 PPG and 6.8 RPG) suggest he’s having the best season of his career. Sadly, his best kind of sucks. Anyway, I don't know how his confidence could possibly be any lower than it was in Detroit, where the coach wouldn't play him and most of his teammates wouldn't even look him in the eye.

Kings versus Wizards: Both teams scored only 12 points in the fourth quarter. That must have been painful to watch, assuming anyone could actually sit through that brickfest. The Wiz won the game, but only because somebody had to; the NBA doesn’t allow ties. Sacramento is now 1-10 on the road, but at least they aren’t winless away from home (thanks to the Sixers).

Cleveland Cavaliers: So much for that "Lebron James for MVP" talk. For now, anyway. Despite the return of their superduperstar, the Cavs went winless for the weekend, against two teams with a combined record of 20-24 no less. Even worse, on Saturday night they lost at home to the 76ers, the same team that the previous night had gifted the Sacramento Kings with their first road win of the season. Said Lebron James: "We're not playing very good basketball. Right now, we're not a very good team." There’s your presumed 2008 MVP, folks!

Larry Hughes: Like James, Hughes returned to the Cavs lineup this week and got everybody excited with a 36-point outburst against the Pacers. He then proceeded to shoot 5-for-24 over the next two games, both Cleveland losses.

Ira Newble: Ira set a new personal record for futility by notching a three trillion against the Sixers.

New Jersey Nets: One night after an impressive win over the Cavaliers, the Nets fell on their face against the Knicks (7-16). Not a single New Jersey player had a psitive +/- score. That's positively craptacular.

Jason Collins: His line for the weekends read thusly: 2 starts, 2 points, 6 rebounds, 5 fouls. He has 28 total points on the season, and he's gone scoreless 16 times. How is this guy still starting? Wait, forget that. How is this guy even still in the league?!

Zach Randolph: He had his third blocked shot of this season against the Nets! Somebody schedule a tickertape parade! Now he's only three blocked shots behind little Freddy Jones.

Phoenix Suns: The Suns' mini-slump continued this weekend when they lost to the Hornets; it was the team's third loss in four games. And rumor has it Steve Nash isn't feeling very healthy these days. Danger Will Robinson: The Suns have road games against the Spurs, Mavericks, and Lakers in the next 10 days.

Matt Bonner: From 25 points and 17 rebounds, to zero points and 3 rebounds, to a DNP-CD. Maybe he should give Britney Spears a call for advice on how to deal with a quick and tragic downward spiral.

Enver (no "D") Nuggets: Are the Nuggets completely helpless on defense? Well, let me put it this way: In back-to-back losses, Fabricio Oberto lit them up for 21 points on 10-for-11 shooting and then they gave up 116 points (on 54 percent shooting) to the Blazers. Hey, wasn't Marcus Camby Defensive Player of the Year last season?

Robert Horry: Ben-Gay Bob just keeps shuffling along. This weekend he scored zero points (0-3) and had 1 personal foul in six minutes of "action." At this point, watching Horry play basketball is like watching my grandfather try to mow the lawn. Not pretty.

Erick Dampier: He had 2 points and 2 rebounds in almost 30 minutes of playing time against the Rockets. Has a man who’s around seven feet tall ever seemed so invisible? I mean, other than Jason Collins.

Tracy McGrady: It wasn't just the paltry statistical output against the Mavericks -- 12 points (5-18), 5 rebounds, 3 assists -- it was also his complete and utter lack of impact on the game. He also had, by far, the worst +/- score (-20) on the team.

Steve Francis: The Franchise made his third start of the season on Saturday and "rewarded" the Rockets with 3 points (1-8) and 5 turnovers in 23 minutes.

Seattle Supersonics: The Sonics proved to be the perfect cure for Utah's six-game losing streak. The Seattle players were shooting like somebody had greased the ball and set their hands on fire: Kevin Durant was 3-for-11, Earl Watson and Chris Wilcox were both 1-for-8, Damien Wilkins was 3-for-8, Jeff Green was 0-for-5, and Luke Ridnour was 3-for-7. The Sonics scored only 13 points in the second quarter, and that wasn't even their worst quarter of the game; they scored 9 points in the fourth.

Matt Harpring: He missed Utah's game against Seattle with what was listed as "gastric distress." I’m sure it's horrible, really, because Harpring’s a pretty tough dude. But still, that just sounds kind of wussy to me.

Baron Davis: He was the Warriors' hero in their win over the Lakers, but he transmogrified into their goat against the Pistons: 2 points (1-8), 2 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 turnovers, and a +/- score of -23. To put it bluntly, Golden State cannot compete when Davis plays like that.

Los Angeles Clippers: Is anyone on this team even trying anymore? Well, aside from Chris Kaman that is? Some teams mail in games, but the Clippers send them via Fed Ex.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Darko, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pat Riley, Philadelphia 76ers, Tonky Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Weekend