This is part 3 of our ongoing Worsties coverage. It runs through the end of last January. More parts to follow.

Isiah continues to lose grip on reality, Part I: A day after 2007 gave way to 2008, Isiah Thomas had this to say about his godawful team: "I believe that one day we will win a championship here. And as I sit here and I say it today, I know people will laugh even more at me, but I'm hell bent on getting this accomplished and making sure that we get it done. And I'm not leaving until we get it done." Emboldened by their coaches strong words, the Knicks promptly went out and got blown out at home by the Sacramento Kings (13-18), who were without Kevin Martin, Ron Artest, and Mike Bibby. After the game, Thomas altered his stance ever so slightly: "I don't necessarily just want to win a championship. I want to leave something that's going to stand for a long time. I want to leave a legacy, I want to leave tradition. I want to leave an imprint, a blueprint in terms of how people play, and how they coach and how they respond when they put on the Knick uniform. And I want to leave what I left in Detroit. Every person that walks through that door as a Piston, when they put on that uniform, there's a certain pride that they carry. And I want to put that here and I want to leave that here in New York. I want to leave a championship legacy." Seriously, I know people who got put in padded cells for less crazy than this.

Knicks try to stifle "Fire Isiah" movement: A 22-year-old college student was arrested outside Madison Square Garden for selling t-shirts that said, "Don't Hate The Player Or The Game. Hate The Coach." The man in question, one Ivan Cash, thinks the arrest was meant "to put a lid on all the demands by fans for a new coach.'' No kidding? erhaps we should just tattoo "Duh" on his head and get it over with.

Scottie Pippen requests head coaching position (world laughs): During the 2006-07 seasons, Pippen wanted to come back and play in the NBA, even going so far as to say, "The fans who understand the game, the GMs and coaches, I think they'd rather have a Scottie than a Michael [Jordan]. Because I'm an all-around player. Coaches would rather have a Scottie-type player than a Michael. I was an all-around player. I made people around me better." Surprisingly enough, nobody -- and I mean nobody -- was interested in his services. In 2008, Pip decided he wanted to coach the Bulls. "What's my disadvantage? No NBA coaching experience? [Scott] Skiles' record with the Bulls wasn't that great. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do what you've done your whole life. I've played basketball, run teams and won. They didn't put me at point guard because I could dribble good. They put me there because I could run a team. I wasn't the best dribbler, the best shooter. I wasn't a point guard. But I knew how to run a team." Actually, I seem to remember guys like John Paxson, B.J. Armstrong, Ron Harper, and even Steve Kerr playing point for the Bulls back then, but whatever. Pippen continued: "With a guy [Jordan] who loved to touch it and shoot all the time, I was able to keep him under control. That didn't come from the bench, it came from making the right decisions. You try to make the game fun for everyone and then we were able to find Mike. The games I felt he was getting off too much, I'd find a way to get other guys off. And then guys weren't running at him all the time and he could take off in the right place." Uh, yeah. I don't really want to hear about Pip getting other players off. Beyond that, his assertion that it was he, and not Phil Jackson or Jordan himself, that reigned Jordan in is patently ridiculous. As is most of everything else Pippen is saying these days. Particularly when you consider that, right after announcing he wanted to coach the Bulls, he started ripping into the players. On Tyrus Thomas: "He doesn't know how to play the game. He's great from the neck down." On Ben Wallace: "You don't pay a rebounder $15 million. OK, they did. He doesn't know the game like Dennis Rodman did." On Kirk Hinrich: "He's not that talented...you can't have midgets running your backcourt." On Luol Deng: "he's trying to show 28, 29 teams what he's about instead of going out and playing." On Andres Nocioni: "He's turning into Rasheed Wallace with the kinds of things he does on floor." I don't care about his six championships or his place in the 50 Greatest NBA Players. He's an idiot if he thinks talk like that is going to land him a head coaching job anywhere in the NBA, let alone for the Bulls. Does he really think the players would listen to him after he blasted them in the press like that? Ben Gordon sure wasn't listening. "I don't really care what Scottie has to say. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn't have anything to do with anything."

Chauncey Billups gives us a sign of things to come: "Mr. Big Shot" missed three freethrows in the fourth quarter of the Piston's 92-85 loss to the Celtics. He also missed a critical three-pointer in the closing minutes that could have given his team the lead (he was 3-for-9 from three-point range for the game). Then, rather than giving the Celtics credit afterward, he tried to diminish the impact of their victory. "They're a little more happy than we were when we won our game at their place. It was just a regular game for us with two good teams playing. They were kind of playing like it was the Super Bowl. There was probably a little more at stake for them and their psyche than it was for us." And see, that's why the Pistons have failed to make it back to the NBA Finals the last few years. That arrogant, lackadaisical makes for great soundbytes...and disappointing playoff exits.

The Suns' Achilles' heel revealed by...us: Frustrated by the Suns' relative underperformance, I wrote a letter to them to please stop sucking. In that letter, I disclosed that they were, by far, the worst rebounding team in the league. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't written this letter. I'm not saying Steve Kerr read it or anything, but if he did, it's the kind of thing that could push a GM into making a panic trade...

Pat Riley starts eyeballing the "Quit" button: Even as the Heat lose their ninth game in a row and fall to 8-28, rumors start circulating that Riles might retire after this season. Somewhere, Stan Van Gundy laughs in equal parts delight and bitterness.

Isiah continues to lose grip on reality, Part II: The NBA's walking punchline continued to deliver. A few days after stating his intent to win a championship in New York, he was quoted in the New York Daily News as giving himself "two votes of confidence" in his dual role as the Knicks coach and general manager. ''There could be smarter people [than me], but in terms of determination and passion to make it right, I know I'm not going to find anybody [better] out there. I am determined to fix this and make it right.'' He then basically conceded that this season sucks big time, but that ''...you stick around long enough, it happens. You just have to fight your way through it. Through these tough times, you still have to set the example and be the leader. Because there's a locker room full of men looking for direction, and my job is to provide that.'' Isiah then went out and provided that example by coaching the Knicks to yet another home loss in which he got ejected for (possibly) making contact with an official. What terrible crime against humanity compelled Isiah to rush out onto the floor and get himself tossed? He felt Yao Ming should have been called for a three-second violation. Way to choose your battles there, Isiah.

Gordan Giricek earns does not earn respect: After getting traded away from the Jazz, Giricek announces that he was not respected "as a man." He then goes out and averages 3.3 PPG on 26 percent shooting in his first several games with his new team, the Sixers, who suddenly realize, "Wait, we traded Kyle Korver for this guy?!"

Saint Louis Billikens remind me why I hate college basketball: I'm not a big fan of college basketball (unless it's my alma mater or March Madness), but I couldn't not mention this travesty: The Billikens set a modern Division I record for fewest points in a game with 20. Saint Louis went zero for their first nine shot attempts. At one point, they missed 23 consecutive shots and finished 7-for-48 (14.6 percent) from the field, including 1-for-19 from 3-point range. They had scored only 7 points by halftime, a performance that made their 13-point second half look positively scintillating. What does a coach even say to his team after a performance so historically dreadful? Well, Rick Majerus, the Billikens' coach, noted after the game that this was his first year with Saint Louis and that he did not recruit the team. "It's like being a stepparent. I didn't pick them. They didn't pick me." Wow. Feel the love.

Update! Basketbawful reader deej pointed out that our boy Larry Hughes was a Billiken, and Johnny Drama provided this wonderful and related link. Turns out the Billikens were, in a way, paying tribute to their most famous son.

The Dark Lord is stunned as it snows in hell: Seriously.

The inmates start running the asylum in Chicago: First, Joakim Noah screamed at assistant coach Ron Adams at practice, after which interim head coach Jim Boylan suspended Noah for one game for his behavior. Then a cabal of Bulls players -- led by Ben "I am killing this team with my huge contract and lousy play" Wallace and Adrian "He's still on this team?" Griffin -- vote to suspend Noah for an additional game. Stunningly, Chicago's coaching staff and management supported this move. Bulls GM John Paxson appeared on the Mike North Morning Show on WSCR-AM (670), and said that everyone in the Bulls' organization, including team chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, thought that the players' group decision to bench Noah was ''outstanding.'' Mind you, these were the same players who tuned out and quit on Scott Skiles, leading to the "coach who turned things around" getting fired on freakin' Christmas eve.

JamesOn Curry decides the entire world is his bathroom: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who was serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry -- due to suspension -- was forced to miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's next game against the Austin Toros.

Lakers fans turn on Kwame Brown: During L.A.'s 106-98 loss to the Suns, Lakers fans played The Giant Falling Anvil to Kwame Brown's Wile E. Coyote, booing him with a pitiless rage that would make even Hannibal Lecter a little uneasy. Kwame played so badly -- 3-for-8 shooting, two blown layups, one missed dunk, and 7 turnovers -- that one wonders whether he has the manual dexterity necessary to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, like using a remote control or unwrapping a piece of gum. Update! Basketbawful reader dunpizzle provided some video.


And it happened again.


More Knicks drama unfolds: Former Knicks coach Larry Brown revealed that management had spies "throughout the arena" to keep in eye on him. As a result, he never felt fully comfortable viewing Internet porn in his office. I mean, he still did it and everything, but it wasn't nearly as satisfying as it could have been.

Shaq's wallet fuels our economy: Thanks to his ongoing divorce issues, the press gives us an insider's view of The Big Spender's monthly expenditures: $1,500 for cable TV, $110,000 for vacations, $17,000 for clothing, $26,500 for babysitting, and $23,000 at gas stations. Man, I need to quit my job and get hired on as Shaq's nanny. That has "hit sitcom" written all over it.

Tony Parker's dark secret revealed: Eva Longoria finally admitted to something that everyone who follows the NBA already knew. No, not that Tony Parker has a very small penis (although that's true too). The dude totally fakes fouls and injuries. Gee, I'm so very shocked. Remember in last year's playoffs when Parker obliterated Steve Nash's nose with his bulbous head? I mean, Nash's poor beak freaking exploded, yet he just stood there and took it like a man while Parker was writhing around on the court in totally bogus agony.

Magic Johnson makes bold (read that "stupid") prediction: The man who gave us harmonism and fundamativity has now offered up the following insane prognostication: The New York Knicks (who were at that time 14-31) were going to make the playoffs. In fact, Johnson said, "I think that they’re going to be a tough eight or seven seed, too." Why would Magic think something so, you know, stupid? "Because you can see that they’ve turned the corner. Now everybody knows their roles, their minutes. I watch every game." Well, there you have it. Magic watches every Knicks game. No wonder he's lost his damn mind.

Chris Webber returns (waaaah waaaah waaaaaaaah): [The following was submitted and written by Justin from Birdmonster.] Warrior fans have a long, hate-flavored memory. And while I will always have a special place in my charcoaled soul for Mike Dunleavy, Todd Fuller, and the unforgettable Uwe Blab, only Chris Webber had the ability to pull his shorts past his bionic knees and crap all over our faces twice.

A brief history: Webber famously forced a trade after his first season in the Bay, a trade which netted the Warriors the unstoppable manbeast known as Tom Gugliotta. C-Webb would become a perennial all star and the cornerstone of those enjoyable turn of the millennium Sacramento teams while Tom Guglitta would earn the nickname "The Grub."

Then, last season, right before the Shaq & Pau trades, our lovable Warriors signed Webber after more than a decade of wear and tear. Warriors fans enjoyed the hallucination that Webber, with his smooth passing and crafty old-man-game, could be a valuable piece in Don Nelson's ever fluid line-up. I know I talked myself into it.

Then I saw him play.

It was a tragedy.

Webber played a staggering nine games and averaged 3.9 points and 3.6 rebounds a game before his android joints rusted. While Warrior fans begged to see us some Brandan Wright, C-Webb got 14 minutes a night to bog down the Warriors offense and make a defense built on scrappiness into one built on crappy-ness. I was actually upset he was taking minutes from Austin Croshere.

So thanks CWebb. We'll let you know when that statue outside Oracle is up.

Labels: Chauncy Billups, Chris Webber, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson, NBA Worsties, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Scottie Pippen, Tony Parker

Wild Yams reminded me of this little brouhaha in the TNT studio last night. I added it to Worst of the Night, but it really deserved its own post. As Mr. Yams put it: "Chuck's second big gaffe of the night was saying that this Lakers team is the best one Kobe's ever been on, although him saying that was totally worth it for Webber's fantastic reaction of wanting to walk off the set in disbelief. I love how Barkley shoots from the hip like that and doesn't think through the things he's about to say, because every now and then he'll let fly with a Bill Walton-esque bit of hyperbole like that. God bless Barkley."

God bless Barkley, indeed. And Webber's awestruck reaction really was the best; it even succeeded in getting Chuck to back down and revise his statement to: "Let me rephrase that. I think this Laker team is potentially, they could win a lot of championships in the next couple years. That maybe is the way I should have phrased it." Yeah. Maybe so.

As Ernie Johnson put it: "Rick Fox, rolling over in his grave." Here's the video.


Update! I was just over at basketball-reference.com trying to decide which Shaq-Kobe Lakers team would have kicked this year's Kobe-Gasol team's ass the hardest...but Mr. Yams beat me to the punch. "Seriously though, what the hell was Barkley saying, thinking that this Lakers team is better than some of those Shaq-led ones. The 2001 Lakers swept the 50-win Blazers in the 1st round, swept the 55-win Kings in the 2nd round and swept the 58-win Spurs (including wins by 39 & 29 in Games 3 & 4) in the WCF, before losing one OT game en route to a five-game victory over the 56-win Sixers (with 3 of those wins coming in Philly) for the title. You're gonna tell me that this current Laker team is better than that one?"

Yup. That's the team I would have picked too. They may have "only" won 56 games, but Kobe missed 14 games and Shaq missed 8. You could probably point to the 67-win team from 2000 too -- you know, "The Glen Rice Team"* -- but Kobe wasn't nearly as good as he would become the very next season.

*That was the year when Glen Rice decided that 12.3 shots per game wasn't good enough, even though he got the chance to play with Shaq and Kobe and win a championship. The next season, he was in New York getting 10 shots per game, winning 48 games, and getting knocked out of the playoffs in the first round by the Toronto Raptors. Good call, Glen. A few seasons later, Rice finished up his career by playing 18 games for the Los Angeles Clippers. Sometimes Karma really is a bitch.

Labels: Charles Barkley, Chris Webber, Ernie Johnson, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, Kobe Bryant, TNT

Chris Webber's retirement: Watching him shuffle up and down the court for only nine games and then disappear indefinitely when his troublesome left knee started acting up again sure made it seem like this was The End, but now it's officially official: Mayce Edward Christopher Webber III has retired from the NBA. I'm not going to say that Webber was one of the greatest power forwards of all time -- in my book, he's way down the list behind guys like Karl Malone, Tim Duncan, Kevin McHale, Charles Barkley, and Bob Pettit, just to name a few -- nor am I going to discuss his stats (20.7 PPG, 9.8 RPG, 4.2 APG in 15 seasons) or his accomplishments (Rookie of the Year, five All-Star appearances, four inclusions on the All-NBA First or Second Team). But he was, without question, a fantastic player who enjoyed a long and dramatic career.

More than that, though, he was special to me in a very real and personal sense. I got to watch him play twice during his final year at Michigan, and the beginning of his professional career just so happened to coincide with the halcyon days during which my NBA fanaticism and naiveté was probably at its peak. Basketball players were still like superheroes to me, and even plain old regular season games seemed to carry heavy meaning, not just in the standings but in the game of life (thanks in part to those theatrical intros Bob Costas did for The NBA on NBC). Some of my most treasured college memories involve sitting around my dorm room and watching games on a 13-inch TV with my roommate and best friend, and Chris Webber is part of those memories. We saw Webber throw down his behind-the-back dunk on Sir Charles as it happened, and we also watched it live when Barkley got his 56-point, 14-rebound revenge in the playoffs. The NBA was never more fun for me, either before or since.

So while I'm glad it's over -- because it was pretty obvious that Webber was finished -- I'm sad, too. I'm going to miss him: The hook shots, the passes, the drama. It kind of feels like another part of my youth just disappered forever.

Chris Webber's reason for retirement: In Webber's own words: "Rehab is so hard. So monotonous, so boring. I really didn't want to try to rehab and come back this season because I don't think that's possible." And doesn't that statement just sort of epitomize the most frustrating aspect of Webber's career? The idea that there was more there and he simply didn't have the heart and/or strength of will to make it happen. Maybe rehabbing the absolute living hell out of his knee wouldn't have changed anything, but mabye it would have...? But we'll never know. Just like we'll never know whether the 2001-02 Sacramento Kings might have won the title if only Webber wouldn't have gotten a case of the yips during all the close games. Sometimes playing The What If Game can be fun. But as it pertains to Webber and his career, it's just painful. And kind of depressing.

Phoenix Suns: How do you shoot 56 percent as a team and lose by 20? Well, you must 1. let your opponent shoot 52 percent, 2. get outrebounded 41-27 (including 17-4 on the offensive glass), and 3. commit 21 turnovers. Unfortunately for the Phoenix Suns, they did all three of those things, and they did it against the best team in the league. And the Celtics really don't give up that kind of margin of error.

Shaq versus Pat Riley: Ever notice how often Shaq always gets in these little Quote Feuds with former coaches and teammates? The latest War of the Words came after Shaq made the following statement about his new home in the Valley of the Sun: "I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again." Of course, these comments only served to depress old Sad Sack Riley. "It's sad that he says those things. We shared so much here, together, for three years, good and bad, 3 1/2 years. I just think it's sad that he's got to do that." Sadder than making Shaq spend his golden years playing alongside Ricky Davis and Mark Blount? I don't think so, Riles. When told of Riley's response, The Big Expletive-slinger said, "I don't give a shit how he interpreted it." After being reminded that the reporters couldn't use that quote because he cussed, Shaq said, "Sure you can. You can quote me, brother. You can put an 's,' then the tic-tac-toe, the 'at' sign and then the other symbols." He may no longer be the MDE, but he is and will always be the MQE (Most Quotable Ever).

Sam Cassell: He worked like hell all season to make it to Boston, and now...he's not playing so well. Sam-I-Am scored only 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting in only six minutes of PT last night. His field goal percentage has dropped from 45 percent to 33 percent since joining the Celtics, and his PER has plummetted from 16.9 to 4.8. Boston signed him to be a backup, and he says he's fine with it, but Cassell has always and will always work best as a big-minute player. So right now, his impact on the team is negligible at best.

Chicago Bulls: Ouch. I bet their prostate is pretty sore today.

Larry Hughes: The line: 3 points on 1-for-9 shooting. I guess he's jealous of how poorly Wally Szczerbiak has been playing for the Cavs. After all, wrecking Cleveland's season has been his job the last couple years, and that has to be like watching somebody else not satisfy your ex-wife in bed, only he had really cool hair. Or something.

Drew Gooden: Remember all that smack Gooden was talking after Tuesday night's 31-point, 16-rebound performance against the Hawks? Well, here's a sample: "I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes. I believe that I can do it all.'' He also hinted that LeBron James had been holding him back in Cleveland. Well, one night later, Mr. "I can do it all" didn't do much of anything, scoring 2 points (0-for-5), grabbing 8 rebounds, and committing 3 turnovers against the 76ers. And that thud you just heard was Gooden crashing back down to earth.

Chris Paul's nicknaming skills: Last night, after David West hit a long jumper to bury the Cavaliers, Paul dubbed West "The 17-foot assassin." That nickname is both awesome and terrifying, for reasons I choose not to put into words. But if West is forced to retire early due to some catastrophic injury, it sounds like he has a pretty promising future in the porn industry.

John Hollinger: I can't let this go for some reason. As I keep repeating like an annoying broken record, Hollinger used his PER numbers to "prove" that the trade that brought Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, and Joe Smith to Cleveland was a "big-time win" for the Cavaliers. Last night, the big timers combined for 12 points (6-for-18), 8 rebounds, 5 assists, 6 turnovers, and 1 DNP-CD (for Wallace). And those numbers are pretty consistent with what we've seen out of that bunch since the trade. Not exactly big-time, is it?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: After losing to the Toronto Raptors, Billups had these things to say: "We're coming down the home stretch now, 11 games left. You want to start playing with some consistency. Our thing is not the division or the East. Our thing is the whole thing. That's the way we think." First off, it's usually a bad idea to wait until the last 11 games to start working on your consistency. Second, I'm all for thinking big, but looking past opponents has been one of the Pistons' biggest problems over the last couple seasons. You'd think their leader would want to address that, you know?

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they beat the Pistons (who were without Rip Hamilton), but what's up with putting T.J. Ford back into the starting lineup? The guy's been pouting and sulking for weeks. When did we start rewarding players for bad behavior? Uh, last night, I guess. Supposedly, Jose Calderon volunteered to return to the bench for the good of the team and coach Sam Mitchell allowed it. Frankly, I don't care that they won. This is a bad idea. Calderon is the best PG for this team, and Mitchell should have insisted he remain in the starting lineup. I don't see this ending well. But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

Miami versus New York: This was maybe the second-best game of the night, behind the Hornets/Cavs game. But on the other hand, seeing the Knicks struggle to end their seven-game home losing streak against a team that had to sign a mind-boggling eight D-Leaguers just to fill out their roster is kind of sad.

Tim Thomas: He went scoreless (0-for-4) in over 35 minutes of lack-tion. He is almost seven feet tall, right? Just checking.

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: After leading his team to victory over the Minnesota Timberwolves, T-Mac let us in on the clutchtastic inner workings of his superstar mind: "The fourth quarter, usually the best player has got to step up and lead the team. I just couldn't afford for us to lose this game, so I had to impose my will on it." Okay, okay. Good stuff. But I'd save a little of that brain juice for the playoffs if I were you.

San Antonio Spurs: After seeing how Luis Scola has been playing lately -- he had 18 points and 18 rebounds last night -- do you think they ever feel a slight pang of regret? Because they should. They really should.

Sacramento Kings: They barely escaped with a 107-106 overtime victory over the Memphis Grizzlies. At home. I know they suffered a lot of injuries earlier this season, but everybody looks healthy to me. So what's the excuse now? [Insert "Any NBA team can beat any other NBA team" quote here.]

Los Angeles Lakers: This game looked like such a gimme on paper that I didn't think twice about it before I saw the final score: Bobcats 108, Lakers 95. And the game was played in L.A.? Holy Schnikies. Bad loss. It dropps the Lakers into a tie (with the Rockets and Spurs) for the second-best record in the Western Conference, one full game behind the New Orleans Hornets. And if you thought the Hornets would be leading the West this late in the season, you're a damn, dirty liar. Tell me Chris Paul doesn't deserve some serious MVP consideration.

Kobe Bryant: He got burned by Jason Richardson (34 points, 10 rebounds) and then got ejected late in the fourth quarter for bitching about a foul call. His league-leading technical foul total is now at 15...just one away from an automatic one-game suspension. Mind you, Mamba's two technicals came in a 29-second span of the fourth quarter after the game has been pretty much decided (the 'Cats were leading 100-86 with 3:40 to play). Kind of a pointless and careless thing to do, all things considered. Especially if he ends up with another technical and a suspension. The Lakers can't afford that right now. There's too much at stake.

Phil Jackson, quote machine: You can almost always count on Phil to spout a little gibberish after a game, especially when his team loses. Last night was no exception. "Well, I may look like I'm here to explain something, but I have nothing to explain. I can't explain it, so don't ask me any questions. It just looked like we were out of character, tremendously out of character, in more ways than one --irrational play at times, inconsistent at best, but just some poor judgments, poor decisions." When a reporter asked him about Kobe's ejection, he just smiled and left the interview room.

Update! Funny yet inexplicable headline: In a comment on my NBA Closer column, Brazil Thrill noted the following amusing headline ESPN ran for the Pacers/Nets game:


I mean, "Harris, Nets pour it on Pacers from several angles"? That sounds more than just vaguely suggestive, don't you think?

Update! Indiana Pacers: Basketbawful reader Carlo called me out on this omission, and he was right. "You forgot to mention how the Pacers let Josh Boone score 26 points against them. or how they let Vince grab 14 boards! Hell, you should mention how they let the NETS score 124 on them! And these guys are fighting for a playoff spot? Pathetic." Don't forget Devin Harris and his career-high 15 assists. Yeah. You're right. Pathetic. [Basketbawful sheds a tear for his home-state Pacers]

Update! Charlott's technical foul shooting: Basketbawful reader Wild Yams pointed the following out: "Speaking of technicals, the Bobcats technical FT shooting should probably get some mention, since they missed all three of them last night. I can't remember ever before seeing a team get three tech FTs only to miss them all." Jeez. I can't either. I mean, your best freethrower gets to shoot them, right? They didn't sign Chris Dudley to a 10-day contract did they?

Update! Andrew Bogut's "hive-five" party: I've seen some sad things in my life, many of which involved toxic amounts of alcohol and wizard costumes. Don't ask. But this may indeed be the saddest of them all -- Andrew Bogut high-fiving himself after a freethrow. Thanks to loyal reader Farfa for the double-eyeball. Warning: Your funny bone might not be ready for this.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Paul, Chris Webber, John Hollinger, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Pat Riley, Phil Jackson, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, Toronto Raptors, Tracy McGrady

Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier: Okay, this "Looney Tunes" moment didn't happen over the weekend. It happened last Thursday against the Spurs. But this clip of Herr Dirkmeister and Ericka running into each other is so awesome that if you ever need me for anything at any time, I can probably be found making sweet, sweet love to it. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Jeffrey Hardy Quah for the heads up.


Freaky Friday

Toronto Raptors: They allowed Mike Dunleavy Jr. to match his career-high with 36 points, and the Basketbawful manifesto clearly states that all teams that surrender a career game to Dunleavy Jr. get an automatic mention in Worst of the Weekend.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: After Boston's 108-100 win over the Gerald Wallace-less Bobcats, Pierce had this to say: "If we move the ball, play unselfish and keep the turnovers down, we are a tough team to guard night in and night out." In other news, teams that outscore their opponent win at least 100 percent of the time. Also, Paul, I think you meant "unselfishly." It's called an adverb. Look it up.

Mario West: Super Mario played 31 seconds against the Knicks. Amazingly, he managed to squeeze of a shot (which he missed) and grab one rebound in his half minute of PT. At that rate, he could have missed 80 shots and grabbed almost 80 rebounds over 40 minutes! It was the 13th time this season West has played 35 seconds or less.

The New York Knicks: They didn't really do anything out of the ordinary -- just another loss to a sub-.500 team -- but putting them in Worst of the Weekend just feels kind of right, you know? Note: Zach Randolph complained after the game that somebody stepped on his foot. Hmmm, I wonder...

Kaniel Dickens: Cleveland's reserve power forward played only 42 seconds against Minnesota. I guess Craig Smith was too much man for him to handle.

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World wasn't in the lineup against the T-Wolves because his wife, Shannon, was about to pump out their third child. And, strangely enough, the Cavs didn't seem to miss him at all. Huh.

Larry Hughes: He submitted a "He is who we thought he was" performance against the Wizards, shooting 5-for-16 and getting smother chicken'ed by Darius Songaila.

Jim Boylan, quote machine: The interim Bulls coach put a full 110 percent effort into blasting his team for losing 97-91 to the Washington Wizards: [Bill Walton voice] "We embarrassed the organization and the city of Chicago tonight. I apologize for that." [/Bill Walton voice]. And in case you couldn't interpret his words correctly, let me provide a Boylan-to-English translation: By "we" he meant "No, not me; I'm talking about my lazy, listless, lousy players."

The Utah Jazz: They did a great job of coming back from a 23-point first quarter deficit against the Hornets, but they did a not-so-great job of getting a hand in Jannero Pargo's face. Pargo, who scored 15 points off the bench, drilled two jumpers and then hit a tough three-pointer to halt Utah’s fourth quarter rally. I understand if you can't stop Chris Paul or even David West. I'm not so understanding when you can't stop Jannero Pargo.

The Memphis Grizzlies: I have four words to describe why the Griz made it to WotW: "Brian Cardinal, starting center." 'Nuff said.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, he tried to explain why he's normally reluctant to shoot the ball: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." So if you see Kidd wearing any equestrian gear this week, you'll know why. Edit: Basketbawful reader flohtingpoint added this: "Riiiightt...as it stands right now, Jason "Jumpshot" Kidd has more career three-point attempts (3962) than Mad Max (3931), Glen Rice (3896), The Rifleman (3370) and Dan Majerle (3798). If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker."

The Lakers' shooters: Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic, and Jordan Farmar were a combined 9-for-28 from the field, and 2-for-17 from Three Land. Not surprisingly, Pau Gasol didn't get a lot of room to work (4-for-10) and the Lakers' 10-game win streak came to a sticky end in Portland.

Von Wafer: Forget the fact that his name makes him sound like a German sugar cookie, Wafer scored a -- drum roll please -- four trillion against the Lakers. And my readers wasted no time in letting me know about it. Said BranGor: "Besides enjoying getting dunked on by Kirk Snyder, Mr. Wafer also enjoys putting up stellar numbers." Added John Mitchell: "Von Wafer of the Blazers got a four trillion versus the Lakers, two days after setting career highs in points, minutes, shots, sweat, etc. against the Clippers. To be fair to him, his alpha male SG Brandon Roy was back after missing two games. Blazers 2-for-3 this week against L.A. (2 versus the Lakers and 1 versus the Clips -- all in a row)."

C.J. Watson and Patrick O'Bryant: These seldom-used Warriors showed the world once again exactly why they're so seldom-used. Watson scored a one trillion and O'Bryant played a whopping 3 seconds, which made even Mario West feel a little sorry for him.

The Seattle SuperSonics: They lost at home to the Miami Heat -- the then 10-45 Miami Heat.

Dwyane Wade, quote machine: Just about anybody who watches basketball knows that Pookie isn't close to 100 percent right now. And given Miami's worst-in-the-league record, he should probably shut it down for the year. Reggie Miller made just that point on Thursday night during the Heat's loss to the Lakers, saying that Wade seemed to be operating at about 60 percent of his ability. During Friday's post-game press conference, Wade responded. "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I’m not 100 (percent), but I'm not 60." Okay, sure. And going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers wrapped in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how?

Sucky Saturday

Zach Randolph: Z-Bo missed the Knicks' game against the Magic with a bad case of the Didn't Want To Play. Or maybe it was that "sore right foot" that got stepped on in the Hawks game. Meanwhile, New York coach Isiah Thomas seemed a little confused about just what the hell was going on. As usual. Said Zeke: "The way the inactive list needs to be reported now, when Zach came back in and said he couldn't play we had already filled out the form." Whatever. Randolph's presence wouldn't have prevented another loss, but at least it might have yielded some comic relief. So, yeah, I feel a little cheated.

Eddy Curry: The Knicks' one remaining tower got his lunch eaten by Dwight Howard (26 points, 22 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 blocks). Meanwhile, Fat Shaq had 9 points (4-for-9), 2 turnovers, and nearly fouled out (5) in a 26-minute ego-ectomy.

Jarron Collins versus Jason Collins: The Utah/Memphis game provided these twin terrors with the chance to go head-to-head, and they still couldn't score. Jarron notched a one trillion and Jason went scoreless (0-for-0 from the field, 0-for-2 from the line) in eight minutes and had a +/- score of –20.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "I think they out-toughed us. I think we got tough too late. By the time we got tough, we were looking back, and we were down 10. When it gets tough, I think we just have to take care of the basketball and run our offense even more. I don't think we did that." Take care of the basketball and run the offense...genius! Why didn't his coach think of that?

Damon Stoudamire and Kurt Thomas: San Antonio got these boys on a Blue Light Special, and apparently there was a reason for that. Mighty Mouse had 2 points (1-for-4), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists in 16 minutes. Thomas had zero points (0-for-2), 3 rebounds, and 2 personal fouls in 9 minutes. Hey, sometimes you get what you pay for.

Jacque Vaughn: I know he's not all that necessary with Tony Parker back in the lineup, but he was playing pretty well in Parker's absence. Better than Stoudamire, that's for sure. Too bad he's now stuck on the bench and only played 4 seconds against the Bucks.

The Phoenix Suns defense: Okay. This has gone way past the point of utter redonkulessness. Giving up big scores and high shooting percentages to the Lakers and Hornets is one thing. But letting the 76ers score 119 points on 57 percent shooting? The Sixers?! Sidenote: This happened in Phoenix, by the way.

Linton Johnson: He scored a one trillion against the Sixers. How, exactly, did this guy steal Brian Skinners' minutes? Uh, I mean, minute.

Savage Sunday

Luol Deng: He shot 3-for-13 against the Cavs, and I feel the need to remind everybody -- once again -- that he's the player that John Paxson wouldn't part with to get Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant. In fact, you know what? I'm going to repeat this for the rest of the season.

Dwayne Jones: Mr. Jones had a one trillion for the Cavs.

Jason Kidd: Kidd wasted Dirk's first clutch performance since, well, maybe ever by missing a freethrhow that would have tied the game with 11 seconds to go in overtime. Game over, Lakers win. Why didn't Avery bench this guy?!

Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse: Actually, the Mavs could have won the game despite Kidd's boner if these guys hadn't been shooting blanks all day. Stackhouse was 2-for-12 and Mr. Cockblock scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting.

The Lakers not named Kobe Bryant: Speaking of bad shooting, the non-Mamba Lakers shot a combined 18-for-50, which explains why Kobe had to go all Leeroy Jenkins on the Mavericks. Derek Fisher (3-for-11) was the Grand Marshall of the Brick Parade, and Sasha Vujacic (3-for-12), Pau Gasol (5-for-14), and Jordan Farmar (1-for-6) were right there with him.

New Orleans Hornets: I have no idea what to make of this double-digit loss to the Wizards. It was N'awlins' second loss to the Wiz in less than a week.

Hilton Armstrong: I'll let Basketbawful reader Josh tell this sad tale: "I don't know what was more impressive tonight, the Wizards 17 point win over the Hornets or Hilton Armstrong's amazing 8 trillion. What on earth did he do for 8 MINUTES! I mean put a hand on somebody or something. I would say this was the worst effort I've seen all year but, Memphis has 23 games left and Jason Collins is just warming up. Now there is a guy who's a threat to put up 5 trillion a night. Anyways, I bet Armstrong's performance bought him a one way ticket to the D-League. RGV Vipers here we come."

Toronto Raptors: Here's how the Associated Press put it: "In a listless performance against one of the NBA’s worst teams, the Bosh-less Raptors gave up 30 points to Charlotte’s Jason Richardson, and allowed the Bobcats to dominate the glass in a 110-98 win on Sunday." When the always-bland AP describes your performance as "listless," chances are it was even worse than that.

Rasho Nesterovic: "No! I don't wanna be in the poster!"

Milwaukee Bucks: Mike Dunleavy Jr. matches his career-high of 36 points again, this time against the Bucks. And you know what that means. (Here's a hint: Automatic WotW mention.)

Jeremy Richardson and Solomon Jones: These Atlanta benchdudes got up off their splintered butts to score a one trillion and go zero-for-everything in 46 seconds, respectively.

Al Jefferson: Baby KG had a monster game (30 points, 15 rebounds, 5 assists) but contracted a case of Shaqnopsis, missing two freethrows that could have tied the game with 35 seconds to go in overtime.

The Miami Heat: They coughed up a 21-point second half lead and ended up losing by 11 to the Kings. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 32-point turnaround. Way to D it up, guys.

Chris Webber: Okay, can we all just agree that this experiment isn't working and send C-Webb back out to pasture? Webber scored a point (0-for-1, 1-for-2 at the line) and commited 2 turnovers in 8 geriatrical minutes. Memo to Chris Mullin: Don't wait for Webber to break a hip or something. Cut him today.

Fun-tastic Extra: More Basketbawful -- and Ultimate Warrior quotes!! -- can be found in today's NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

Labels: Chris Webber, Dirk Nowitzki, Erick Dampier, Jason Kidd, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Weekend

Time out folks: Chris Webber's career has come full circle. C-Webb signed with Golden State today, and could be back in action as early as next Thursday. The Warriors are betting this comeback pans out better than Penny Hardaway, Scottie Pippen, Reggie Miller and Allan Houston. I'm just hoping this will lead to less TV time for Austin Croshere.

I'm not completely sold on what the Warriors will be gaining from this free agent signing. Both Chris Mullin and Don Nelson laud Webber's passing ability and basketball IQ. I'm seeing a deadly combination of age, knee problems and rust negating most of that. If they were looking for a big man that can move the ball and play questionable defense, why didn't Vlade Divac's name come up?

Anyway, Chris could be back in action next week, and Brandan Wright's hopes of logging 200 minutes this season are looking mighty grim.

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Labels: Austin Croshere, Chris Webber, Golden State Warriors