Gonk

Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier: Okay, this "Looney Tunes" moment didn't happen over the weekend. It happened last Thursday against the Spurs. But this clip of Herr Dirkmeister and Ericka running into each other is so awesome that if you ever need me for anything at any time, I can probably be found making sweet, sweet love to it. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Jeffrey Hardy Quah for the heads up.


Freaky Friday

Toronto Raptors: They allowed Mike Dunleavy Jr. to match his career-high with 36 points, and the Basketbawful manifesto clearly states that all teams that surrender a career game to Dunleavy Jr. get an automatic mention in Worst of the Weekend.

Paul Pierce, quote machine: After Boston's 108-100 win over the Gerald Wallace-less Bobcats, Pierce had this to say: "If we move the ball, play unselfish and keep the turnovers down, we are a tough team to guard night in and night out." In other news, teams that outscore their opponent win at least 100 percent of the time. Also, Paul, I think you meant "unselfishly." It's called an adverb. Look it up.

Mario West: Super Mario played 31 seconds against the Knicks. Amazingly, he managed to squeeze of a shot (which he missed) and grab one rebound in his half minute of PT. At that rate, he could have missed 80 shots and grabbed almost 80 rebounds over 40 minutes! It was the 13th time this season West has played 35 seconds or less.

The New York Knicks: They didn't really do anything out of the ordinary -- just another loss to a sub-.500 team -- but putting them in Worst of the Weekend just feels kind of right, you know? Note: Zach Randolph complained after the game that somebody stepped on his foot. Hmmm, I wonder...

Kaniel Dickens: Cleveland's reserve power forward played only 42 seconds against Minnesota. I guess Craig Smith was too much man for him to handle.

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World wasn't in the lineup against the T-Wolves because his wife, Shannon, was about to pump out their third child. And, strangely enough, the Cavs didn't seem to miss him at all. Huh.

Larry Hughes: He submitted a "He is who we thought he was" performance against the Wizards, shooting 5-for-16 and getting smother chicken'ed by Darius Songaila.

Jim Boylan, quote machine: The interim Bulls coach put a full 110 percent effort into blasting his team for losing 97-91 to the Washington Wizards: [Bill Walton voice] "We embarrassed the organization and the city of Chicago tonight. I apologize for that." [/Bill Walton voice]. And in case you couldn't interpret his words correctly, let me provide a Boylan-to-English translation: By "we" he meant "No, not me; I'm talking about my lazy, listless, lousy players."

The Utah Jazz: They did a great job of coming back from a 23-point first quarter deficit against the Hornets, but they did a not-so-great job of getting a hand in Jannero Pargo's face. Pargo, who scored 15 points off the bench, drilled two jumpers and then hit a tough three-pointer to halt Utah’s fourth quarter rally. I understand if you can't stop Chris Paul or even David West. I'm not so understanding when you can't stop Jannero Pargo.

The Memphis Grizzlies: I have four words to describe why the Griz made it to WotW: "Brian Cardinal, starting center." 'Nuff said.

Jason Kidd, quote machine: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, he tried to explain why he's normally reluctant to shoot the ball: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." So if you see Kidd wearing any equestrian gear this week, you'll know why. Edit: Basketbawful reader flohtingpoint added this: "Riiiightt...as it stands right now, Jason "Jumpshot" Kidd has more career three-point attempts (3962) than Mad Max (3931), Glen Rice (3896), The Rifleman (3370) and Dan Majerle (3798). If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker."

The Lakers' shooters: Derek Fisher, Sasha Vujacic, and Jordan Farmar were a combined 9-for-28 from the field, and 2-for-17 from Three Land. Not surprisingly, Pau Gasol didn't get a lot of room to work (4-for-10) and the Lakers' 10-game win streak came to a sticky end in Portland.

Von Wafer: Forget the fact that his name makes him sound like a German sugar cookie, Wafer scored a -- drum roll please -- four trillion against the Lakers. And my readers wasted no time in letting me know about it. Said BranGor: "Besides enjoying getting dunked on by Kirk Snyder, Mr. Wafer also enjoys putting up stellar numbers." Added John Mitchell: "Von Wafer of the Blazers got a four trillion versus the Lakers, two days after setting career highs in points, minutes, shots, sweat, etc. against the Clippers. To be fair to him, his alpha male SG Brandon Roy was back after missing two games. Blazers 2-for-3 this week against L.A. (2 versus the Lakers and 1 versus the Clips -- all in a row)."

C.J. Watson and Patrick O'Bryant: These seldom-used Warriors showed the world once again exactly why they're so seldom-used. Watson scored a one trillion and O'Bryant played a whopping 3 seconds, which made even Mario West feel a little sorry for him.

The Seattle SuperSonics: They lost at home to the Miami Heat -- the then 10-45 Miami Heat.

Dwyane Wade, quote machine: Just about anybody who watches basketball knows that Pookie isn't close to 100 percent right now. And given Miami's worst-in-the-league record, he should probably shut it down for the year. Reggie Miller made just that point on Thursday night during the Heat's loss to the Lakers, saying that Wade seemed to be operating at about 60 percent of his ability. During Friday's post-game press conference, Wade responded. "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I’m not 100 (percent), but I'm not 60." Okay, sure. And going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers wrapped in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how?

Sucky Saturday

Zach Randolph: Z-Bo missed the Knicks' game against the Magic with a bad case of the Didn't Want To Play. Or maybe it was that "sore right foot" that got stepped on in the Hawks game. Meanwhile, New York coach Isiah Thomas seemed a little confused about just what the hell was going on. As usual. Said Zeke: "The way the inactive list needs to be reported now, when Zach came back in and said he couldn't play we had already filled out the form." Whatever. Randolph's presence wouldn't have prevented another loss, but at least it might have yielded some comic relief. So, yeah, I feel a little cheated.

Eddy Curry: The Knicks' one remaining tower got his lunch eaten by Dwight Howard (26 points, 22 rebounds, 3 steals, 2 blocks). Meanwhile, Fat Shaq had 9 points (4-for-9), 2 turnovers, and nearly fouled out (5) in a 26-minute ego-ectomy.

Jarron Collins versus Jason Collins: The Utah/Memphis game provided these twin terrors with the chance to go head-to-head, and they still couldn't score. Jarron notched a one trillion and Jason went scoreless (0-for-0 from the field, 0-for-2 from the line) in eight minutes and had a +/- score of –20.

Rudy Gay, quote machine: "I think they out-toughed us. I think we got tough too late. By the time we got tough, we were looking back, and we were down 10. When it gets tough, I think we just have to take care of the basketball and run our offense even more. I don't think we did that." Take care of the basketball and run the offense...genius! Why didn't his coach think of that?

Damon Stoudamire and Kurt Thomas: San Antonio got these boys on a Blue Light Special, and apparently there was a reason for that. Mighty Mouse had 2 points (1-for-4), 2 rebounds, and 2 assists in 16 minutes. Thomas had zero points (0-for-2), 3 rebounds, and 2 personal fouls in 9 minutes. Hey, sometimes you get what you pay for.

Jacque Vaughn: I know he's not all that necessary with Tony Parker back in the lineup, but he was playing pretty well in Parker's absence. Better than Stoudamire, that's for sure. Too bad he's now stuck on the bench and only played 4 seconds against the Bucks.

The Phoenix Suns defense: Okay. This has gone way past the point of utter redonkulessness. Giving up big scores and high shooting percentages to the Lakers and Hornets is one thing. But letting the 76ers score 119 points on 57 percent shooting? The Sixers?! Sidenote: This happened in Phoenix, by the way.

Linton Johnson: He scored a one trillion against the Sixers. How, exactly, did this guy steal Brian Skinners' minutes? Uh, I mean, minute.

Savage Sunday

Luol Deng: He shot 3-for-13 against the Cavs, and I feel the need to remind everybody -- once again -- that he's the player that John Paxson wouldn't part with to get Kevin Garnett or Kobe Bryant. In fact, you know what? I'm going to repeat this for the rest of the season.

Dwayne Jones: Mr. Jones had a one trillion for the Cavs.

Jason Kidd: Kidd wasted Dirk's first clutch performance since, well, maybe ever by missing a freethrhow that would have tied the game with 11 seconds to go in overtime. Game over, Lakers win. Why didn't Avery bench this guy?!

Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse: Actually, the Mavs could have won the game despite Kidd's boner if these guys hadn't been shooting blanks all day. Stackhouse was 2-for-12 and Mr. Cockblock scored zero points on 0-for-5 shooting.

The Lakers not named Kobe Bryant: Speaking of bad shooting, the non-Mamba Lakers shot a combined 18-for-50, which explains why Kobe had to go all Leeroy Jenkins on the Mavericks. Derek Fisher (3-for-11) was the Grand Marshall of the Brick Parade, and Sasha Vujacic (3-for-12), Pau Gasol (5-for-14), and Jordan Farmar (1-for-6) were right there with him.

New Orleans Hornets: I have no idea what to make of this double-digit loss to the Wizards. It was N'awlins' second loss to the Wiz in less than a week.

Hilton Armstrong: I'll let Basketbawful reader Josh tell this sad tale: "I don't know what was more impressive tonight, the Wizards 17 point win over the Hornets or Hilton Armstrong's amazing 8 trillion. What on earth did he do for 8 MINUTES! I mean put a hand on somebody or something. I would say this was the worst effort I've seen all year but, Memphis has 23 games left and Jason Collins is just warming up. Now there is a guy who's a threat to put up 5 trillion a night. Anyways, I bet Armstrong's performance bought him a one way ticket to the D-League. RGV Vipers here we come."

Toronto Raptors: Here's how the Associated Press put it: "In a listless performance against one of the NBA’s worst teams, the Bosh-less Raptors gave up 30 points to Charlotte’s Jason Richardson, and allowed the Bobcats to dominate the glass in a 110-98 win on Sunday." When the always-bland AP describes your performance as "listless," chances are it was even worse than that.

Rasho Nesterovic: "No! I don't wanna be in the poster!"

Milwaukee Bucks: Mike Dunleavy Jr. matches his career-high of 36 points again, this time against the Bucks. And you know what that means. (Here's a hint: Automatic WotW mention.)

Jeremy Richardson and Solomon Jones: These Atlanta benchdudes got up off their splintered butts to score a one trillion and go zero-for-everything in 46 seconds, respectively.

Al Jefferson: Baby KG had a monster game (30 points, 15 rebounds, 5 assists) but contracted a case of Shaqnopsis, missing two freethrows that could have tied the game with 35 seconds to go in overtime.

The Miami Heat: They coughed up a 21-point second half lead and ended up losing by 11 to the Kings. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's a 32-point turnaround. Way to D it up, guys.

Chris Webber: Okay, can we all just agree that this experiment isn't working and send C-Webb back out to pasture? Webber scored a point (0-for-1, 1-for-2 at the line) and commited 2 turnovers in 8 geriatrical minutes. Memo to Chris Mullin: Don't wait for Webber to break a hip or something. Cut him today.

Fun-tastic Extra: More Basketbawful -- and Ultimate Warrior quotes!! -- can be found in today's NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

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17 Comments:
Blogger flohtingPoint said...
After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, he tried to explain why he's normally reluctant to shoot the ball: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way."

Riiiightt... As it stands right now, Jason "Jumpshot" Kidd has more 3pt attempts than MadMax, Glen Rice, The Rifleman and Dan Majerle. If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I started crying when raptors started to lose...ahahha just kidding

but it is damn hard to watch a team suck, play a sucky team and lose to them

Blogger Alex(andra) Cavnar said...
wire hangers covered in saran wrap?!?! that has to be the greatest quote out of basketbawful of all time!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Basketbawful, if anyone would know this, you would: after seeing "Brian Cardinal, starting center" (meaning he got the start over twin lottery disasters Kwame and Darko), I had to wonder, do the Grizzlies now feature the worst three-headed center rotation of any team ever? Has any team ever featured a three person rotation of players at any position who all stand as good a chance of starting as they do of registering a DNP-CD?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
flohtingpoint -- You know, I might need to amend this post to include what you just said...

shrugz -- No, it's okay. I started crying too.

alex(andra) -- Heh, thanks.

wild yams -- I'm going to give this one some thought, but right off the top of my head I'm thinking the 1991-92 Orlando Magic, who went to war with the three-headed hydra that was Greg Kite, Mark Acres, and Mark McNamara.

Blogger Joe said...
I know you hate on kobe a lot, so I'm hoping you saw this in last nights game

_http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB1jNJN81zE

Poor lady..

Blogger dickey simpkins said...
People seem to forget Kobe has a no-trade clause, and repeatedly said that if Deng is included in the deal, he wasn't coming to Chicago. Why would he go to a team that had the same level of talent as LA, with a coach that's 1000 more incompetent with lineup rotations? Paxson lacks balls yes, but his cowardice would have been minimized had Deng, BG, and Kirk not collectively decided to play like absolute shit and show everyone how wildly overrated all 3 are.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
I feel like captioning that photo

"Anthony Parker watches on laughing as Prezec attempts the Raptors first second chance points by headbutting the ball through the hoop."

Blogger Justin said...
That Zach Randolph possession plays in a loop on the Jumbotron in heaven. I feel confident about this.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I remember when you posted a list of reasons for the Bulls and John Paxson to not trade for Kobe Bryant. It was a valid argument, and probably the same reservations Paxson had.

But now, you call Paxson out (along with Luol Deng) for not trading for Kobe Bryant everytime the bulls have underperformed, which has been a lot this season. To be fair, you should either (a) make another post conceding that you were wrong about your argument(along with Paxson) or (b) everytime you call out Paxson's ineptitude regarding not trading for Bryant, call out your own ineptitude, too. Otherwise, you undermine your own credibility as a blogger.

And a word of advice, put a little more effort into not being a hypocrite. I respect most of what you say, but I draw the line where you bitch about a lot of shortcomings of everyone involved in the NBA, but don't have the balls to own up to your own mistakes.

-Eric

Blogger Basketbawful said...
joe -- You spawned a new post. Thanks!

dickey simpkins -- You're right. Pax probably couldn't have traded Deng and gotten Kobe. But, by all indications, he wouldn't have even tried to.

shrugz -- I think Prezec was just headbutting it out of the sheer frustration of his monumental suckpacity.

justin -- I totally agree. And it's probably being played in Hell, too. It's just that awesome.

Eric -- Whaaaat? Dude, seriously, you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. I call out my own ineptitude all the time. In fact, didn't I include myself in the Worst of the Night post for February 28th? Why, yes, I believe I did. Oh, and check out February 26th's WotN post, in which I edited the Mutombo entry, saying, "Oops. I was wrong." So please, Eric, please take the time to READ the full contents of my site before making erroneous claims that don't even stand up to a week's worth of scrutiny. 'Cause that's where I draw the line.

But here's another thing: I'm not all that concerned about being "fair" on my site. I'm here to mock people and make fun of things. This blog is a compilation of my thoughts, opinions, and fart jokes. Nowhere will you hear or read me describe myself as an expert. This site is for entertainment purposes only. If you want an expert, go read John Hollinger or Charley Rosen.

OpenID Cooneyrj4 said...
Kaniel Dickens? This is who you're ripping on for playing just 42 seconds? The guy is a D-league call of for Pete's sake, getting a moment or two of glory because the Cavs needed to fill a few roster spots after the trade. Leave him alone

Blogger Basketbawful said...
cooneyrj4 -- Sorry, sir. While I admire the fact that Dickens arose from the mire of the D-League to actually make the NBA, I have a strict policy of including sub-minute men in WotN and WotW. It's nothing personal. (Although Kaniel might disagree with that.)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
not trying to pile on here, but leave mario west alone. nobody even knows who this guy is or where he came from. rip the darkos and kwames for sure, but not practice players making league minimums. ok, i'm just upset cuz the blazers are tankin' right now.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
basketbawful thanks for responding to my comment. And I have seen that you've called yourself out on occasions. And I understand that this site has a lighthearted tone, where the purpose is to make fun of people.

But sometimes you do make impassioned arguments, like defending Steve Nash for MVP, or the Bulls not trading for Kobe Bryant. The seriousness of the tone is obvious in those entries, and I would think you want people to take you seriously, at least when you write on those topics. Just don't be surprised if no one does, especially when you contradict yourself.

It's great that you called yourself out for the Diop one and the Mutumbo one, but you're making excuses and you know it. The difference here is that the next time you put in all that time and effort to write a serious, reasoned argument defending a position or a person, no one's going to take you seriously. So why try?

-Eric

Anonymous Anonymous said...
oh and p.s., sorry for the apparent flaming. there really are a lot of positives to your site. It's just that this one particular instance didn't sit well with me. I hope you keep up the good work, really.

-Eric

Blogger Basketbawful said...
anonymous #1 -- Look, it's nothing personal against Super Mario. If anything, it's an indictment of a system that doesn't allow a player to even log a full minute or two. Believe me, the Kobes and Lebrons of the world probably go 30 to 60 seconds - or more - without compiling any stats. But we don't know that, because they log so many minutes. Still, I see the one trillion or the sub-minute performances as a sign of futility that always gets a mention.

Eric -- Yeah, I write empassioned posts from time to time. And the thing is, I felt like Pax needed to do something, because the Bulls team, as constituted, wasn't nearly as good as everybody thought it was. I said that way before they started sucking this season. And, frankly, Pax should have realized that. Now, while I personally didn't think that Kobe was The Right Answer for this team, who knows? He might have been. Or Gasol might have been. Just because I'm personally against or for a trade doesn't make it either right or wrong. That's something that's not really known until afterward, anyway.

And, not to diminish your argument, but since you're the only person who's telling me this, I don't think I've been all that inconsistent or hypocritical with my viewpoints.

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